#at least i gain back the weight and feel a million times better when im off tbe meds but still i hate it so bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

verminviscount · 8 months

Text

ive been made aware that i have strong opinions on my personal ranking of percy jackson characters so im making a post about it. bc thats what we do here on tungle.hell. experiencing brain worms? spread the word. @garecc i invite you to include your own brain worms here

for those who may not know, which i expect is most of my followers here, Travis (garecc) and i go way back to the days of a trials of apollo discord server that has since crumbled under the weight of various discourse and does not exist at this time. so if anyone understands pjo brain rot, its him.

ONTO THE RANKING. ill be focusing on main characters bc if i include side characters we'll be here all day and Sally Jackson would be every character in this top 5.

1. Hazel Levesque. Deserves better in the eyes of fandom. Gained pretty good control over the mist within one book. Has a cool magic horse. Similar tragic backstory to Nico, but not sulking about it. No shame in sulking, but its cool to see someone go through bad shit and come out still feeling mostly okay.

2. Will Solace. Unfortunately for me, I haven't finished the trials of apollo series yet, so i dont know THAT much about Will as he's primarily a background character. But Apollo kids and medics both get my utmost respect and appreciation, always. and he's a little bit of a sarcastic little shit, but the kind where people dont get annoyed with you bc its almost always funny and lighthearted. i know from hearing people talk about tsats that he's also a Sad Boy (which is to be expected as a demigod, tragedy physically cannot leave you alone.), and im excited to read about someone with my personality go through a mental breakdown :D!

3. Frank Zhang. Listen to me. How can he not be this high up. I don't even know where to begin with this guy, he's so gods damned cool. He's just such a good character and a good dude too! I'd love to be his friend. What a sweetheart, iirc he was the only person at camp jupiter who wasnt freaked out by Nico? he's so nice. children of Ares/Mars are usually mean, and he's so nice. i love him so much. also his life force is connected to a chunk of wood, which is kinda neat. he's a legacy of poseidon. he's canadian. im pretty sure his first name is Westernized bc his grandma calls him Fai, my last name was westernized when my great grandparents came over so i sort of get it though not nearly to the same degree. I ALMOST FORGOT HE CAN SHAPESHIFT!!! DUDE what a cool guy. we gotta move on, i gotta cut myself off. give him more attention in your fan works

4. Nico di Angelo. obviously a fan favorite, but im talking canon Nico here. im not talking about an uwu soft emo boi. im talkin about a sarcastic, pessimistic, deeply insecure little dude. listen, im not gonna talk about the things i love about nico because its been said a million times. its nothing new. im just gonna say that i love reading about characters that go through awful awful trauma and still overcome and find joy on the other side.

5. Rachel Elizabeth Dare. so my impulse is to put Leo here bc i adored him when i first read HoO. and if i didnt really think about it, i wouldve put him. but... Rachel!! how can you not love her! a mortal lady who can see through the mist, she fought with a hairbrush, she's the liveliest and loveliest oracle of delphi camp halfblood has ever and will ever know, she’s from money and hates it, she's an activist, an artist, way more helpful than the last oracle for sure. the mummy in the attic just left you to fend for yourself, Rachel will at least try to help you interpret what a prophecy means. she's blunt and talks a mile a minute, i love seeing my "flaws" represented positively in media.

honorable mentions: Leo Valdez of course, easily my number 6 spot. Apollo/Lester, we love seeing immense character development. Grover Underwood, probably the first time i ever had a definitive favorite character. Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase, romance would be dead and we wouldnt have a series without them.

#percy jackson #pjo hoo toa #character ranking

2 notes · View notes

moonjxsung · 14 days

Note

hai hai! (anticipated srry for the yapping)

how are you?

(btw pls lmk about that person bc if they come back i rlly don’t want to interact)

sorry about the fire vjj jumpscare😂😂

kitties can rip their toe beans and i am so traumatized by it. thankfully it really wasn’t too bad like he never acts like it’s hurting him. i literally let him out of his travel bag and bro just immediately jumped like an hour after surgery. but we’re keeping him confined until further notice and trying to figure out what happened bc we searched everywhere and no blood or anything. but he’s doing alright & they take out his stitches in two weeks, my angel baby☹️☹️☹️.

i’m sorry to hear about your kitty’s itching! cats do become sensible to environmental changes so it may be that. one of the strays we feed gets runny nose/eyes when there’s a lot of pollen. i heard that giving them bee pollen helps with their environmental allergies. but i haven’t really tried it. maybe something with her food? my senior dog (who passed about two years ago) became allergic to chicken, turkey, and like a million other things) at like 10yrs old. so if it persists that could maybe be a cause? idk but i hope she feels better soon, i hate seeing sick kitties :((

to end the cat discourse, your neighbor!! im so frustrated when people let cats just roam free in environments where they shouldn’t. i’m not really in favor of outdoor/indoor or just outdoor kitties (aside from stray babies ofc, i wish i could take them all💔). my experience with cats outdoors (like not mine but the strays i’ve seen) is always sooooo negative that i just wouldn’t do it, even if where i lived was more appropriate. i had a neighbor (i never interacted with her) who literally abandoned her male intact cat and he just went around getting everyone pregnant and crying at her house. i haven’t seen him for a while bc he wasn’t really a regular (if he was i would’ve found a way to neuter him at least) but that’s so freaking sad, man. i really can’t with people who leave their pets to fend for themselves. so yeah your neighbor really sucks, and the kitty fights with your baby? whaaat? that’s crazy.

and i still can’t get over ateez!!! my bf and i live together so we’re literally always together (that’s why i annoyingly mention him all the time, im sorry, i got anxious attachment 😂). and i was rewatching the coachella performance bc im crazy and he sat down with me (and eventually fell asleep) but not before saying “my bias isn’t mingi anymore, san is just the man here” and i was like ok but mood. i love san so much and yk one of my bias line criteria is ✨cats✨ so san is not only cat emoji but also has a cat ✅✅ i love them, i need to go see them at least once in my life too. they’re just so talented, im so proud of them for coming so far! 😭

and pls send all the pics ever if you do go to txt, i’ll live vicariously through you.

anddd i was lurking through your other asks and i feel you so badly about retinol & sunscreen. i literally have some expression lines and am dying to get rid of them. but im struggling with retinol bc it makes me break out.

(and also, ur response to the anon talking about her y/n moment was too sweet. i feel like kpop can set such high beauty standards that you have to constantly ground yourself bc these people live and breath visuals and voice/dance lessons. i struggle a lot with body image issues being a US midsize and having pcos -and i literally got an emergency ovary removal, not so fun fact! it was terrible and it really fucked up my weight gain/loss- but yeah, your message made me feel better about everything too.)

ily ily bb! we’re currently on a date at a café, drinking iced coffee with our ateez pcs! 😘😘😘

-🐈‍⬛

HELLOOOOO MY SWEET ANGEL HAPPY SUNDAYYYY 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

I still can’t believe cats can rip their toe beans 😭😭 it makes so much sense but I just hadn’t considered it and now I’m watching Momo like a HAWK over here I feel like that would so happen to her 😭😭 her itching seems a little better today but seems like it comes and goes ! One of my other cats at my parents’ house struggles from feline eczema or something similar and she has to get steroid injections to tame the flare ups so im hoping it’s not that ☹️ but good to know that bee pollen helps, ill definitely look into that!! Thank you bby 🫶👼

UGH I KNOWWWW her cat disappears for weeks at a time too and I’m like how!!! Are you not worried about where he is!!!!!!! One time he came back with a collar I’m assuming somebody got for him and since then they’ve taken it off so it seems like they’re pretty set on just making him appear stray and I don’t understand the reasoning behind it. All their other pets (they have like 2 dogs I think) are strictly indoors so idk why poor kitty has to be abandoned like that ☹️ I always bring him water and food in the summer because they don’t even leave him with food but I’m just so annoyed they don’t do it themselves ughhh. Also I have a neighbor who did the same thing as yours by abandoning their cat and it went around and got pregnant like 4 times since then ! She passed at a pretty young age probably due to the shortened life span and it was just so heartbreaking. At LEAST get your cat spayed and neutered ffs 🤕

YOUR BF IS SOOOO REAL FOR THAT LMAOOOO 😭 Ateez are crazy talented in person!!! They’re coming back to my city in the summer so I need to start saving and I’m lowkey panicking bc I really want to see itzy, Ateez, txt and NCT Dream but I’m gonna have to sacrifice some shows because money 😀 I might scrap Dream only bc I’m not 100% if Renjun will still be there (my pookie💔) but I cannotttt decide if I want to go to the other shows. If I find txt tickets at a decent price I will 10000% keep you updated how it goes!!!! I also need to see Itzy so bad ugh Ryujin my wife💔

I’m so glad we’re all panicking about expression lines collectively LMAO I just bought this Korean sunscreen that claims to prevent them so we’ll see but the lingering fear of aging is always present 😭 soooo agreed about the body image thing!! Kpop made me hate my body like ten times more then I already did but I have to remind myself these people HAVE to look good for a living like if they had my regular ass job they would not look like that 😭 I just value confidence the most even on days I hate myself!! I’m so sorry to hear about your emergency ovary removal ahhh that must’ve been so scary but I’m so grateful you’re okay and healthy now! Looks mean nothing if you’re not healthy guys take care of yourselves and love the body you have 🥹🫶💞💝💘💕💖

I LOVE YOU BBYYYYY we’re virtually eating cheese danishes together bc I caved and got one (it’s so good if you’re wondering) 💞🫶

#🐈‍⬛ anon #ask

1 note · View note

buckyjamess-archive · 3 years

Text

𝓻𝓸𝓼𝓲𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓲 ❁ 𝓫𝓾𝓬𝓴𝔂 𝓫𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓮𝓼

chapter seventeen • a/n: thank the sudden burst of inspiration for these chapters coming out so fast. Feedback is appreciated! • wordcount: 1.5k+ • warnings: kids, parenthood, nothing more?

summary

going through rough years after losing your husband, you try to raise your daughter the best you can. With the help from the wilson's you make the best of it but the road is bumpy when sam introduces you to his friend.

masterlist

F O U R M O N T H S L A T E R

"I'm running a little late today, so I won't be home in time but I asked Steve to be there to open up–" a heavy sigh "for the love of god, try to be nice buck, that's all I'm asking, okay? Also, can you let me know if you're staying for dinner so I can pick up something extra on my way back– thank you. Okay..bye, love you."

love you. Bucky never expected to keep hearing those words falling from your lips but he does– after every call, every voicemail, every goodbye and see you soon. It makes him smile yet he doesn't deserve those two words.

you had assured him that morning after that you would always love him no matter what; that he's still the father of yet another gift in your life. The best months of your life after a shit show of years prior– you'd always love Bucky even if he broke your heart in a million pieces, he seemed to be the only one to put it back together..or steve. Steve did a pretty good job of glueing shattered parts of your heart back together.

It angered bucky. Coincidentally; Steve rogers marriage came to an end not two weeks after you'd moved into your own little place with the kids and for a split second Bucky had wondered if nothing ever happened between you and Steve during the time he suspected something. But he believed you. Nothing had happened, never and though Bucky still had to get used to Steve being around more and more each day, he knew he could trust the blonde.

You seem happy with Steve and unlike you and him, things between Steve went slow, taking time. No moving in three weeks after or by each other's side everyday and you certainly didn't let the man straight into Rosie and JJ's life.

A break..of sorts and maybe he'd gotten his hopes up and believed it actually could get better with time; get back together and be that little family again but as time passed by, it became all too clear– you really didn't plan on getting with him again and Bucky couldn't even blame you.

But you still let him into your life, let him be a part of your life. A part of Rosie's life..of JJ. You let Rosie stay with him whenever she wanted to, let her stay the night or a couple of days until the girl wanted to get back home again. Got to see his son nearly everyday and have him all weekends. 'I'd never take away your kids, buck'

Invitations to stay for dinner or spend the evening or to tag along with one of your day outs– all too eager to spend all the time he could with what once was his family, even if it meant spending time with Steve.

You still took care of bucky, you still loved bucky because the man who broke your heart made you believe in love again, pulled you out of your shell after years of wanting to be alone. Took care of you during your darkest days, stayed by your side when you needed him the most. Gave Rosie a father figure she never had the opportunity to get, gave you another little soul to take care of. Bucky Barnes stole, bruised and broke your heart and till this day manages to glue it back together.

It took you a while to forgive him, you're still not sure if you actually have. With the loan you got from your new part time job at the store around the corner, you managed to get yourself a small two bedroom apartment not too far away from bucky– following most classes from your new study online and still being able to be there for your babies; if you were being honest, life was good.

The family wilson being back in your life being the icing on the cake. Sam being to eager to apologise for everything he'd said and done although 'I told you so'– first flight to Brooklyn and before you knew it the family stood in your apartment, unpacked boxes and painted rooms as if their lives depended on it; be there for you like they were after riley– family. Hailey even spent the better part of her summer in Brooklyn by your side to catch up while in all honesty, she got tired of her dad and needed some time alone.

Life was surprisingly good after everything.

"Dad?"

Snapping out of his daydream, Bucky looks up and meets the eyes of the little girl in the rear view mirror. The braid bucky had managed to braid that morning an untangled mess, hanging from her shoulder. Left overs of a chocolate cookie still visible on the corner of her mouth. Yellow shirt covered in dirt, paint and what else she'd been playing in and with at school.

Bucky hums and types a quick text to you, telling you he'd stay over for dinner "What's up?"

"Can alpine come with me sometime?" Rosie asks seriously, a hint of hope in her voice.

"I wish he could sweetheart but mom's not allowed to have any pets," Bucky chuckles "He misses mommy, right?"

"I don't know, he can't talk silly."

"Really then why does alpine talk to me every night?" Bucky quips back "he tells me how you steal the last cookies from the cookie jar."

"That was JJ– when are mommy, me and JJ coming back home, I want my own bedroom again."

Bucky clears his throat and quickly gazes to the little boy fast asleep in his carpet on the backseat and back to Rosie, Bucky swallows the lump in his throat.

You tried to explain it all but the 4 year old never seemed to be able to understand any of it; the two times Christmas, two birthdays not working.

"I don't know princess," Bucky admits "whenever mommy is ready."

which is never

Heavy footsteps echo against the grey stone walls of the short hallway, doors with small white numbers glued onto the wood– Steve isn't much taller or shorter, maybe a bit broader but nothing to be afraid of and yet bucky finds himself tiny next to the man, intimidated to say the least- black leather jacket over a simple grey shirt clung around his biceps, long legs...intimidating but with the softest facial features, christ bucky didn't have any reason to feel this way around someone You deemed important.

If anything, Steve was as awkward as him.

Twirling around the hallway, her pink and purple colored bag bouncing up and down her back and her messy braid flying through the air, Rosie stills at the sight of the men walking their way

"You're late."

"I know, kid," Steve chuckles lowly "tried to be faster."

"Well, you should be faster next time." Rosie simply states.

Steve nods his head towards bucky with a slight smile which bucky returns and without another word, Steve twirls the keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door with the faint 9 on it.

Rosie storms in, nearly tripping over her own feet as she pulls her backpack off and throws it in the corner with all other shoes, bags and umbrellas.

The man nods again as Bucky pushes the stroller with JJ through the door. The familiar smell of you lingering in the air and fills his nostrils. He ignores the footsteps behind him. Bucky pushes his son further into the kitchen where he picks JJ out and sets the little man on the floor. Bucky's not even able to say another word, his son zooming off on all fours, going straight to the box filled with toys near the couch in the living room.

"I was told to hand you the keys." Bucky's eyes shoot up to Steve, your keys dangling between his thumb and index finger– Steve clears his throat.

Casually folding the stroller back before standing up straight, bucky nods and holds his hand out.

Your keys, not Steve's. Great, he's not at that base yet.

"y/n asked if you wanted to bathe the kids," Steve clears his throat once again and shifts his weight from one foot to the other "so she can start with dinner when she's back."

"Yeah, sure." Bucky mumbles almost inaudibly, calm and collected, through his stomach drops as Steve nods and strides his way to your bedroom and comes back out with a black overnight bag hanging from his shoulder; rogers printed on the fabric.

so, he's at that base already

"So, yeah– I should head back out. Work and all." Steve breathes out a laugh.

Placing both hands on his sides, Steve looks back to the living room where Rosie and JJ crawled and played around the coffee table.

"Bye rosie," Steve waves awkwardly and with no answer back, he looks back at bucky with a slight smile and nervous chuckle "kids, right."

"Yeah," Bucky deadpans, not batting an eye at the men in front of him "kids."

Bucky doesn't have the right to feel jealous, he screwed things up and not you but he still loves you with all his heart and he'll be damned if he didn't at least try to gain back your trust and maybe even woo you back in his life– Steve stands in the way of just that.

Taglist: @farfromshawn @Nicollettemarie @wooya1224 @felicityofbakerstreet @agentmstark @sierrax023 @lilyevanswhore @qhbr2013 @buckybarnesobsessed @themaddies-obx @aloserwithoutacause @aanngie @sebby-staan @sweetth1ng @starrystarkey93 @libidinexx @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable @gasly-kvyat @brown-bi-beautiful @peter-laufeyson @im-squished @meshlababy @lindseyrae20 @cb97skies @qwccrr @ssprayberrythings @yougottalovefandoms @jbcalway @realgaytrash @natyvwe @poetryazenth @winterberryfox @ahahafudge @okiegirl24 @0moondoodler0 @why-wait-4-eventually

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #rosie and i*

55 notes · View notes

stcrr · 4 years

Photo

elle fanning. cis female. she/her. ／ lorelei “lorrie” gunther just pulled up blasting which witch by florence + the machine — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty-three year old musician, i’ve heard they’re really -reclusive, but that they make up for it by being so +observant. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say chipped glitter nail polish, a silver gilt mirror, losing yourself in the beat of the music. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( ally, 22, est, she/her )

me: i don’t have a type when it comes to muses! also me: unveils this new muse that is also introverted and anxious but this time with more glitter. anyways, meet lorelei, starr to her fans, and lorrie to her friends, an observant girl, gifted mimic, misfit, mirror, and musician. kind of a jem and the holograms/hannah montana/perfect blue hybrid. details under the cut, like for me to hyu to plot !!

(also her pinterest im really proud of it you guys)

statistics.

full name. lorelei amelia gunther. nicknames. lorrie. aliases. starr. occupation. singer-songwriter. age. twenty-three. date of birth. february 1st, 1997. nationality. american. ethnicity. white (austrian and irish). gender | orientation. cis female | queer. hometown. boston, ma. zodiac sign. aquarius sun, scorpio moon, pisces rising career/voice claim. lorde.

height. 5′9 weight. 120lbs build. willowy. distinguishing features. wide eyes, full lips, constant bags, probably has glitter in her hair. health. 7/10; has no major illnesses but eats like shit, has a whack sleep schedule, is a dysfunctional adult basically. she’s also big depressed but you know how it be.

positive traits. ambitious, intuitive, observant, imaginative, independent, neutral traits. talkative, intense, impressionable, negative traits. anxious, avoidant, moody, secretive, resentful, aloof,

likes. the nighttime, storms, baggy clothes, mountains, weed, lsd, books, blanket forts, lying on the floor, singing, cryptids, cemeteries, dislikes. being herself, deadlines, dolls/puppets, the paparazzi, social media, planning ahead, the outdoors, conflict, the beach,

history.

(tw suicide mention, anxiety attack) (tldr at the bottom)

her mother called her lorelei after the sirens of the rhine; she insisted her first cries were the sweetest song. and lorelei continued to have a beautiful voice; she sang more than she spoke. but only at home.

she never responded to lorelei, though, not really; it felt too grand for her. she was a chicken-legged girl who liked overalls and goosebumps books. she was just lorrie.

she grew up in a lower-middle class region of boston, ma. her father was a salesman, and her mother was a travel agent.

for a while, at school, she didn’t speak at all. she was diagnosed with selective mutism at age five, and it took until she was thirteen to overcome it completely.

this was not at all helped by the fact that her parents had a nasty divorce when she was seven years old. her father used her mother’s ten-year-old suicide attempt against her in court to prove she wasn’t stable, and gained full custody of lorelei and her two older brothers. her oldest brother, matthias, sided with their father, but the middle brother, jeremias, sided with their mom, and tried to run away to his mother’s house basically every month. he ran away for good when he was fifteen, living with his girlfriend’s family.

what helped her overcome this selective mutism, at least at first, was her middle school drama class. at home, lorelei had always been an excellent mimic. she did her favorite impressions for her drama teacher, and she encouraged her to try some monologues and scenes. as she got better at acting, she realized that she didn’t have to be herself; she could be somebody else. and that made talking all the easier.

by high school, she was no longer selectively mute, but was still anxious and shy. she was, however, a total drama kid, and still loved to act. she could be outrageous, incredible on stage; she wasn’t being herself, after all, so if people were judging her, it was the character they were judging, not her.

still she was def the kind of girl who had a mental breakdown every four months and dyed/cut her hair/gave herself bangs. she could never quite shake the feeling that she was an outsider looking in, separated, different.

she still loved music, and as she grew older, she started to write songs. it was her secret dream to be a musician. one of her theater friends talked her into singing one of them when she was sixteen, and then encouraged her to try out for the talent show. she was able to get through the audition, though she was a little nervous, but she knew it would be fine. she was on stage all the time, this would be fine.

but this time, she had to be herself in front of the entire school, and she froze up, not a sound leaving her lips. she doesn’t remember leaving the stage; only remembers that suddenly, she was in the girls bathroom, sobbing her eyes out.

her friends comforted her that night, partying in their basement like they always did, but thats when lorrie had an idea. what if she didn’t perform as herself?

that’s when a starr was born.

as lorelei dressed herself up in all the holo and glitter she had, she created starr in her head; she was born beloved, charismatic, fearless, this glitz and glamor girl who had it all, but what now? even at the top, she found emptiness. she was a beautiful supernova, so breathtaking you forgot she was really a collapsing star.

starr was lorrie’s ultimate muse; she wrote song after song for her in the next few months, until, finally, she asked some of her friends to help her record a music video. she didn’t expect this music video to get 60 million views in a matter of weeks.

royals, of course, blew the fuck up, and she had people calling her house to get her to sign with this record company or that record company, and her eventual producer flew her out to la with her dad. and, of course, the rest is history. (her dad also blew a lot of the money she earned as a minor but she got rid of him and that’s neither here nor there.)

however, as she got more and more into the la lifestyle, she began to rely more and more on starr as an alter ego. people liked starr, after all, and lorrie didn’t even like herself. she played the part of the dignified, wise, and eccentric former queen during interviews, when recording, at after parties and award shows.

even her first major relationship she got while acting like starr, someone fearless and fun, basically a manic pixie dream girl. if you’ve ever listened to the album melodrama, then you know how badly that ended.

that’s around when she realized that starr had taken over her entire life. coming home from a house party absolutely zonked, she looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize herself, didn’t see that nerdy, overall-clad chicken-legged girl from her family pictures.

she stripped her clothes off, scraped the makeup off her face until her skin was red and dry, dragged a brush through her hair to get rid of all the product, and pulled on a hoodie and leggings she had brought with her to la a year ago. she wrote the first draft of all the songs in melodrama in the coming hours.

however, she still wrote from starr’s perspective, knew she’d perform it as starr. it may be far more personal, but lorrie wasn’t ready to come out just yet. in fact, she’s kind of been hiding the last year or so, a full-on depression mess.

tl;dr lower middle class nerdy girl from boston overcomes crippling social anxiety through acting, finesses this into an alter ego to be a musician, hits it big, loses herself in the alter ego, has a disastrous relationship, and tries to become herself again.

present.

first of all, her real name is Known to the public, but not her “brand” outside of starr. it’s proven to be a boon as of late; she’s known for basically being a walking sailor moon cosplayer, not a skinny woman in baggy jeans and a big black hoodie.

since she’s trying to work on herself, she’s kind of in a creative slump. like, she still has more than enough royalties off her music to keep her going, but her agent and producer are both pushing her to clean up some of her songs and record them for a new album. she can still write as starr, but it feels... different, now. melodrama was far more personal than pure heroine, and she wants to continue to grow; writing as starr feels like reverting back to her sixteen year old self. but she’s too scared to write as herself So....

at events though she’s still in the gauze and stars people expect from starr.

trying to reach out to her mom and brother jer again. not her dad, fuck her dad.

loves true crime, the supernatural, and conspiracy thought. is probably watching a true crime doc rn.

she’s just starting to leave her house for the first time in like... a year? like she’s only started to get out again in the last few months.

as for drugs, she def drinks, but she’s more likely to smoke weed. also, she’s a big fan of lsd, but holds herself off to only tripping every few months.

is considering moving to the woods and being the lonely crone everyone whispers about. or maybe switching to voice acting.

she fuckin hates dolls. literally her worst nightmare is being trapped in some collectors’ doll rooms.

wanted connections.

melodrama ex (0/1) - the ex she wrote her breakup album about. can be any gender. i literally want this connection so bad kfdskjkadsfds

best friend (0/1) - someone who was with her throughout her... Transformation

squad (0/3) - bc who doesn't love a squad. this is the vibe i’m going for (sound warning)

icon (1/1) - someone lorrie looks up to and like... majorly doesn't wanna disappoint. - filled by kami!!!

musician buddies (0/?) - they bounce lyrics off of each other, you know how it is.

rival pop star (0/1) - idk i just think it would be Neat. maybe even with a plot that they had a major falling out and now they have to pretend to get along.

hookups (0/?) - or other messy shit

texting crush (0/1) - really weird concept but like... i imagine lorrie would have the number or snap or insta or whatever of this muse and they get talking after melodrama and she just... lays it all out. they don't really talk in person, but she feels really close to them and definitely develops a crush

weed buddy (0/1) - they come to her house and smoke and complain its great

friend turned enemy (0/1) - maybe someone who adored starr but doesn't like who she is now?????? idk idk

enemy turned friend (0/1) - maybe someone who thought starr was fake af but then meets lorrie being Herself and is just like "oh you're a Human" idk idk

bonus.

as a thank you for making it to the end of this fucking enormous intro, please take a moment to enjoy these tik toks reflective of lorrie’s personality (they’re also???? great on their own)

lorrie talking/singing to herself alone in her house

honestly she has tinkerbell vibes

drunk mouths speak sober thoughts

and thats on mental illness

#excess:intro #admittedly another novel #also i've been vibing to pure heroine all day and like #im going THROUGH IT #suicide mention tw #anxiety attack tw #drugs tw #also a notice i am not going to be making an open starter since... the event is TOMORROW so #i'll just reply to a few

5 notes · View notes

winchesterandpie · 5 years

Text

Part of the Company Part 5 (Thorin x reader)

Pairing: Thorin Oakenshield x Reader

Word count: 3332

Warnings: None

A/N: A million billion thanks to the amazing @jezzula for helping me edit (seriously, you’re the best, ily)! We’re still on a bit of a slow burn here, but you’ll have to see how much longer that lasts... *evil cackling* Gif is not mine! Translations are from https://islenthatur.wordpress.com/welcome/

Enjoy!! I love you all!!

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

I did not like this bag. It was itchy, it was restrictive, it was currently impeding me from going on a murderous rage, and just an overall 1/10 experience, to say nothing of our impending fate of being eaten. I wouldn’t recommend it. To be fair, I wasn’t on the spit yet, but being under a pile of dwarves wasn’t much better.

“Don’t bother cooking them. Let’s just sit on them and squash them into jelly.” Now, that sounded like a thoroughly unpleasant prospect.

“They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.” At least with that idea my death wouldn’t be wholly unstylish. Points for artistic creativity to that troll.

“Ooh, that does sound quite nice.” The dwarves were grumbling and complaining about the situation, but I had tuned them out in the hopes of hearing something useful.

“Never mind the seasoning; we ain’t got all night!” Oh? This could be interesting. “Dawn ain’t far away, so let’s get a move on. I don’t fancy being turned to stone.” Definitely interesting. Now I just had to get out from under a pile of dwarves and stall the trolls. As it just so happened, Bilbo had the same idea as I did, and he was on top of the pile.

“Wait! You’re making a terrible mistake!” Bilbo called.

“You can’t reason with them, they’re half-wits!”

“Half-wits? What does that make us?” Somehow, after more than a century with dwarves, it never failed to surprise me how thick-skulled dwarves could be. Bilbo hopped up in his sack, turning to the trolls.

“Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning.” There we go - stalling tactics.

“What about the seasoning?” The trolls’ interest was piqued, especially the one only one who seemed to have any sort of taste buds.

“Well have you smelled them? You’re going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up.” He definitely wasn’t wrong, and I chuckled at the thought. The dwarves, on the other hand, didn’t find it quite as funny.

“What do you know about cooking dwarf?”

“Shut up and let the, uh, flurgaburburrahobbit talk.”

“Uh, the.. the secret to cooking dwarf is, um--” Uh oh. He was freezing up under the scrutiny. Admittedly, for one unaccustomed to such demands, he was doing a decent job. But a decent job could still get us all killed.

“Yes? Come on.”

“It’s, uh”

“Tell us the secret.” The trolls were impatient, and we were running out of time.

“Ye-yes, I’m telling you, the secret is…” Come on, Bilbo, you can do it! “... to skin them first!” Apparently not. That was definitely not the life-saving stalling tactic I’d been hoping for.

“Tom, get me the filleting knife,” the troll said, holding out a hand, as the dwarves breathed out threatenings in Bilbo’s direction. I was too shocked to say anything immediately, and by the time I could more action was unfolding. I probably would have laughed at how nervous he was… if I wasn’t so directly involved in the situation.

“What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scuff them, I say, boots and all.”

“He’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf!” One of the monsters grabbed Bombur’s sack, lifting it towards his mouth. “Nice and crunchy.”

“Not-- not that one, he--he’s infected!” This idea actually had some potential.

“You what?”

“Yeah, he’s got worms in his… tubes.” That seemed to do the trick - the troll tossed Bombur back onto the pile, and I could practically see the light bulb go off in Bilbo’s head. Unfortunately, this meant that the already limited oxygen in my lungs got forced out abruptly, leaving me gasping for breath for a moment. Breathing hurt, but I couldn’t tell if something was wrong or if it was just the result of the weight piled on top of me.

“In-in fact they all have. They’re infested with parasites. It’s a terrible business - I wouldn’t risk it. I really wouldn’t,” Bilbo said, gaining confidence as he went on.

“Parasites? Did he say parasites?”

“We don’t have parasites! You have parasites!”

“What are you talking about, laddie?”

The dwarves were quite vocal about how much they absolutely did not have parasites. In any other situation it would have been laughing, but here it could prove fatal.

“He’s right!” I shouted over the grumpy dwarves, forcing myself not to gasp at the pain in my chest. “They’ve got a massive infestation. I’ve been traveling with them for a year now - I should know!”

“And you don’t?” The troll raised an eyebrow

“I’m a girl! It’s a well known fact that girls don’t get parasites!”

Thorin seemed to get the message and shot me a look before kicking the others in the pile.

That seemed to jolt them into an understanding, which thankfully diverted the trolls’ attention from the fact that it would indeed make me edible, which I had realized too late.

“I’ve got parasites as big as my arm!”

Mine are the biggest parasites! I’ve got huge parasites!” Ever the competitive one, Kili’s parasites just had to be the biggest. There was no way I was going to let him forget it.

“We’re riddled!”

“Yes, I’m riddled!”

“Yes, we are! Badly!” I was never going to let any of them live this exact moment down.

“What would you have us do, then? Let ‘em all go?” This troll came to stand before Bilbo, and his tone indicated that he was catching on. That couldn’t be a good sign.

“Well…”

“You think I don’t know what you’re up to?” The troll emphasized his point by poking the poor hobbit. “This little ferret is taking us for fools!”

“Ferret?”

“Fools?” Both hobbit and troll sounded indignant at the other troll’s insult. All of a sudden, Gandalf stepped out onto a large rock and relief flooded through my system.

“The dawn will take you all!” The whole company seemed to take a breath in relief at the wizard’s appearance.

“Who’s that?” one of the trolls asked.

“No idea.”

“Can we eat ‘im too?”

In an instant that seemed to freeze in time, Gandalf lifted up the staff before slamming it down onto the ground, causing the rock to split in two. Light flooded the clearing and the trolls tried to shield their eyes as slowly their skin seemed to turn to drying clay. With a final growl, they hardened in place, frozen forever as stone statues.

Cheers went up from the grinning dwarves and I laughed giddily. Even Thorin cracked a smile. We were safe now.

“Oh, get your foot out of my back!” Dwalin grumbled loudly.

Bilbo and Gandalf got the first of the dwarves’ scratchy burlap prisons untied, and the dwarves moved to help the others. Once the pile was cleared from off the top of me, Kili bent to cut open the sack while Fili did the same for his uncle. Several set to getting the dwarves off the spit after putting out the fire from below them.

“Are you alright?” Thorin was at my side as soon as we were both free, scanning me for injuries as he poked and prodded my abdomen. I wasn’t about to tell him I had messed up my ribs - he was too concerned for me already

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me,” I insisted, but when he hit one of my ribs, I couldn’t keep from flinching. “Ahhhh. I think I might have bruised a rib or two when Bombur landed on us.”

“Oin!” he called out, worry coloring his tone.

“Thorin, I’ll be fine,” I tried to reassure him. “Really, there’s nothing he can do for a bruised rib.”

“What is it you need, laddie?” Oin approached.

“It’s Y/N’s ribs - she thinks she bruised them when the troll dropped Bombur back onto the pile.” Thorin’s hand was still on my arm, warm and steady.

“I’m sorry to say it, but there’s naught to be done for a rib injury, Thorin.” Oin gestured helplessly. “I can get ya something for the pain when we get a camp set up, lassie.” With another shrug, he turned back to where the other dwarves were.

“Told you so,” I said, breathing as shallowly as possible as I wrapped an arm protectively around myself. “Seriously though, I’ll be alright. It’s nothing a little time won’t fix. Though I think a few more days off firewood collecting duty wouldn’t go amiss.” Thorin chuckled, and I laughed a little before flinching at the pain it caused. This was definitely not going to be a comfortable few days on the road.

“I think we can find a way to ensure that.” His hand still rested on my arm, and the other came up to brush a piece of hair away from my face. He was so close, and I wished desperately that he would just lean a little closer… Whoa, kiddo… Hold your horses, there. I knew full well nothing would ever come of my feelings for Thorin, especially since I wasn’t even from Middle Earth. Gandalf thumping one of the trolls’ foreheads with a satisfied look on his face brought us abruptly out of… whatever that was. “I must speak to Gandalf. Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

“I’ll be fine, worrywart.” I sent him off with a wave and a reassuring smile. He nodded once and turned to Gandalf. Once his concerned gaze left me, I sank down onto a convenient log, holding my ribs in a vain attempt to keep them from moving.

“Y/N? What happened?” A concerned Fili quickly made an appearance at my side, with Kili not far behind him. I tried to wave them off, not keen to have more people worrying and fussing over me. A grumpy, overprotective, sweet king was more than enough. By the valar, I’m hopeless, I thought, rolling my eyes at my mental description of Thorin.

“It’s nothing time won’t heal. I’m fine. Go worry about Bilbo.”

“Are you sure?” Kili’s wide-eyed puppy dog look would’ve had anyone else melting.

“Yes!” I snapped. It wouldn’t work on me today. They held up their hands in meek surrender, backing off to go find the hobbit. I’d have to apologize later.

“You lot, on your feet. We’re going looking for the troll’s cave.” There was grumbling at the order, there always was when the company had to get up, but they rose nonetheless.

“Up you get.” Thorin extended a hand to me when he was within reach, his voice gentler than it had been a moment ago.

“Do I have to?” I tried Kili’s tactic of puppy-dog eyes, not wanting to move just yet.

“We have to keep moving, my azaghâl (warrior).” Apparently I wasn’t as adept at it as Kili was. “I wish I could give you more than that.”

“Fine,” I sighed dramatically. “Help me up, then.” With a mischievous grin, he lifted me carefully in his arms and started walking back toward our horses.

“Put me down, you ridiculous dwarf!” I smacked him playfully on the shoulder. “My legs are still perfectly functional.”

“You didn’t really think I’d be so cruel as to make you walk all the way to your horse after making you get up, did you?”

“I know better than to expect anything from the Heir of Durin. Anything but trouble, that is,” I teased affectionately, feeling the rumble of his laughter in his chest.

“If you hadn’t gone and injured yourself, I’d be seriously considering dropping you right now.”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“I suppose I’ll let you off with a warning this time. After all, what would Dis say?” He set me down next to Obsidian just long enough to pick me up by my waist and lift me onto the horse’s back. “Can you manage to stay on him on your own?”

“I’ll be fine, Thorin,” I reassured him. “Let’s just find that troll cave so I can sleep.” With a nod, he turned to lead company, the rest of which had remained on foot.

I just can’t leave you alone for ten minutes, can I? Obsidian’s gaze seemed to ask me as the dark-haired dwarf looked over his shoulder at my repeatedly. He’s worried about you.

“Hush, Dian. He worries about everyone in the company.”

Not like how he worries about you.

“Oh please, he’s a king. Thorin could never think of a commoner like that, let alone me.”

Obsidian flicked his ears in disagreement, but dropped the subject.

It wasn’t long before the cave was found. Reeking like nothing else I’d ever smelled certainly helped lead us to it.

“‘Stay out here.’ ‘Don’t get off the horse.’” I mimicked, complete with obnoxious expressions. “Ugh. Dwarves.”

You’re the one who likes him. Obsidian rattled his mane at me.

“Oh, be quiet. It doesn’t matter anyways.”

I would have much rather been exploring the troll hoard than stuck outside doing nothing as Thorin had insisted. On the other hand, I was grateful for the fresh air. Even from out here, I could smell a little of what the inside must’ve smelled like, and it wasn’t pleasant.

“We’re makin’ a long term deposit,” Gloin explained himself to Dwalin, who was making a face at their digging.

“Let’s get out of this foul place. Come on, let’s go!” Thorin’s commanding voice rang out, but the dwarves kept burying their treasure. “ Bofur! Gloin! Nori!” Reluctantly, they stood, kicking a last spray of dirt before they obeyed Thorin.

The king himself came towards me, a new sword and bow in hand.

“Find anything interesting?”

“An elvish sword and an elvish bow caught my eye. I wondered if you might like to have the bow?” He extended the bow to me to examine. I took it, awed by the fine workmanship.

“Thorin, this is incredible! Thank you.” I reached out a hand to rest on his shoulder in gratitude. He smiled at my enthusiasm, lifting his hand to cover mine. I would’ve hugged him if he wouldn’t have had a fit the moment I tried to get off the horse.

“I’m glad you like it.” His fingers intertwined with mine. “I hope it serves you well.” A sudden commotion of wildlife in the trees had us tensing up.

“Thorin? What do you think that is?”

“I’m not sure,” he said, dropping my hand to draw his sword before alerting the company. “Something’s coming!”

“Gandalf!”

“Stay together! Hurry now! Arm yourselves,” Gandalf rallied the dwarves, jogging together into the trees. I laid an arrow on my new bowstring, ready for whatever would come.

A sled drawn by rabbits came crashing through the trees toward us. The scruffy, brown-clad figure pulled them to a stop by us.

“Thieves! Fire! Murder!” He shouted. That was never something reassuring to hear from someone you didn’t know.

“Radagast! Radagast the Brown!” Gandalf warmly greeted the new person. Since Gandalf relaxed, the rest of us relaxed too, content to trust Gandalf. “What on earth are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong.”

“Yes?” That didn’t sound like good news at all.

Radagast opened his mouth, making as if to speak, only he didn’t. His mouth closed again, before repeating several times, as though he’d forgotten what he was about to say.

“Oh, just give me a minute. Um… Oh, I had a thought, and now I’ve lost it. It was… it was right there - on the tip of my tongue!” He curled his tongue, making an odd face as Gandalf’s brows drew together. “Oh, it’s not a thought at all - it’s a silly old…” He paused briefly as the grey wizard pulled a bug out of his mouth. “Stick insect!” Radagast finished.

That was definitely not the “impressive wizard” image that Gandalf seemed to carefully cultivate, and I could tell that the dwarves were more than confused by it. I think Gandalf could tell, for he led Radagast a little ways away so that they could discuss their “wizard business” in private.

“Am I allowed down now?”

“I’ve a feeling something is coming. I would feel better if you stayed up there for now.”

“Thorin, you realize that I can defend myself, right?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Of course you can, I taught you myself.”

“Then why don’t you trust me to do it?” I’m sure my eyes betrayed something of what I felt, and his eyes softened immediately.

“I do, Y/N. I do trust you.” He set one of his hands on my knee, as if urging me to understand something. “I just… I can’t risk losing you.”

“You won’t lose me, Melhekhul! (my king) I simply wish to be more helpful than I can be here.”

“Normally, I would agree with you, but you’re injured right now, and I have a bad feeling that something is on its way. Something dangerous.” This memory of the movie was coming back to me, and he was right - wargs were coming.

“I suppose you have a point.” I dropped my eyes from his gaze. After all, he was right, and it was obvious that he was being careful because he cared and not to try to annoy me.

A howl split the air, a little ways in the distance, making my hair stand on end. Obsidian’s ears flicked back and forth as he pranced around uneasily.

“Was that a wolf? Are there -- are there wolves out there?” Bilbo looked up suddenly, clearly on edge.

“Wolves? No, that is not a wolf.” Bofur answered him

“Thorin, look out!” I shouted when I saw a warg appear above us. It leapt down, but Thorin quickly struck it with Orcrist, killing it instantly. While his sword was still stuck in the warg’s corpse, another one showed its ugly head on the other side. Kili got off a shot at it, and it fell close to Thorin, but it wasn’t dead yet. I took a shot at it, my arrow piercing directly through its eye and into its brain at the same moment that Dwalin hit it hard with an axe.

“Warg-Scouts! Which means an Orc pack is not far behind.” Thorin said urgently as he freed his sword.

“Orc pack?”

“Don’t worry, Bilbo, we’ll protect you,” I assured him, hoping to be able to make good on that.

“Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?”

“No one,” Thorin answered the wizard’s query.

“Who did you tell?” I could see where Gandalf’s urgency came from - somebody was after us, and somehow they had to have learned of our quest.

“No one, I swear,” Thorin insisted. “What in Durin’s name is going on?”

“You’re being hunted.” At those words, Thorin moved closer to me, as though attempting to stand between me and the danger we could not see.

“We have to get out of here.”

“We can’t! We have no ponies; they bolted.” If I were a horse, I definitely would’ve bolted as well. I was lucky that Obsidian hadn’t, though the pony was a brave one. His muscles were taut, his ears pinned flat, but he hadn’t run.

��I’ll draw them off,” Radagast offered.

“These are Gundabad Wargs, they will outrun you,” Gandalf pointed it out as though it were obvious.

“These are Rhosgobel Rabbits. I’d like to see them try.” The Brown Wizard smirked, taking it for a challenge.

“I’ll help draw them off.” I nudged Obsidian forward a couple of steps.

“No, I forbid it.”

“Thorin, I could be helpful. If you insist that I stay on Obsidian, then at least let me help.”

“Did you not hear Gandalf? These are Gundabad Wargs.”

“So what? Not even a Gundabad Warg can outrun a pony. And I’ve got a bow and plenty of arrows.” He was hesitating - my logic was wearing down his opposition, if only because the number of options was limited.

“Alright. But don’t take unnecessary risks, do you understand me?”

“Thorin, I’ll be fine. Now let’s go before they find us.”

Muahahaha... Gotta love cliffhangers, right? Hope you enjoyed!

Part Six

Forever tags

@riddikulus-obsessions @addictionmarvel @peppermint--teas @mercedesbarnes @javapeach

Part of the Company tags

@tschrist1 @captainrainbowpanda @yes-captainstark

Shoot me an ask if you want to be tagged! If y’all took a moment to like, reblog, or comment if you enjoyed, I would seriously appreciate it!

#thorin x reader #thorin x you #thorin oakenshield x reader #thorin oakenshield x you #thorin #thorin oakenshield #part of the company #middle earth #middle earth fanfiction #thorin oakenshield fanfiction

104 notes · View notes

justanothercrazyfangirl · 5 years

Text

The Tree

I regularly went to the tree, to look back on my past, to search through my memeories, to escape from the world for just a short while. It wasn’t until a miserable rainy winter day, where I had the whole day to myself, where I came across one particually significant memory that I hadn’t watched before, a memory I avoided at all cost. My emotions were very jumbled when recapping my own memories, they felt so real, but they were far in the past. I could feel the happieness and excitement inside of me, as well as the pain and sadness, I could see and feel all things around me as if it was the first time witnessing it, I could taste and smell the air like I was back there all over again, my senses were enhanced more then usual so I could feel the whole extent of my experiences, so at times it almost felt too real, those were the times I would need to use my emergency exit button, but I didn’t use it often.

The dreaded memory I had chosen to finally go and visit took place on may 10th, 2015. It was the day I became famous, this was only the beginning though, the whole memory went for many years. It was lots of luck really, It’s certainly not common for a 15 year old girl to get so famous, and all it took was one music video. Within 24 hours the video had gone viral. Within months I had already been signed, playing at concerts, modelling, releasing more music and becoming more and more famous by the minute, within 1 year I became one of the top artists in the world, I had released several albums, had millions of fans and followers and the attention of a large percentage of the world.

As I was recapping through this memory I could feel all the emotion I had back then, I could hear the crowds screams, the tears when people got to meet me, all the stories I had been told, all the big and little things I had experienced, all the emotion from these past events all came at once like a catastrophic tsunami. It has died down a little bit now it has been a few years, that doesn’t mean im not famous of course, I'm still unable to leave my house without being swarmed with fans and paparazzi. I can handle it a lot better these days compared to when I was only 15, but it sure would be nice to be able to live a normal life again but then again what is “normal” anymore. From a young age singing had been my passion, singing in the shower, in the kitchen, for my family, and the attention I got from it was mesmerising. Having grown up influenced by the gorgeous singers of my time, your only options were perfect or nothing, that was until I came along of course. I remarked the whole world of music and modelling, having been someone who wears baggy, ill fitting clothes, who “dresses like a boy” as some reporters said, who doesn’t have your typical stick figure, model body, it was something the world couldn’t grasp at first, it caused lots of controversy between everyone really, but I certainly caught peoples attention. I was new and fresh and after a while I was the new ‘normal’. There many battles that I had to fight throughout my journey to fame, to modelling and of course the dreaded battle with myself. Mental health has always been apart of my life. Since a very young age I have always suffered from anxiety and as I got older it got worse and worse until I was on medication for it, but it never really helped. The older I became the more self conscious I grew, therefore becoming more and more closed of, to my family, friends and then myself, this closure pushed me into having what the doctors told me was “depression”, such a serious word for what I thought wasn’t even serious, but in reality it was very serious. For years I took part in the battle with my own head, some days were worse then others, where I was unable to feel anything, not even sadness, just nothing. Other days were good, where I would be in a good mood and an actual be a fun person to be around, over time those days started to become a rare occurance. The darkness begain to consume me like how a snake consumes it's prey, taking me further and further away until there wasn't much left.

At this stage I knew what was coming in the memory, I had lived this before and this was a memory that would be branded into my mind for many years to come, I knew the outcome, even if it wasn't the possible outcome it could have been, it still scared me in more ways then one, the thought of how easily it could have been so different, how quickly it could have ended.

The night was approaching rapidly as I was still surfing through the same memory, because it was the duration of a few years it took some time to watch the entire thing even if it is majorly sped up.

It was August 3rd, 2019, it happened to be my birthday, everyone around me was so happy but for some reason it was the least happiest day of my life, I tried to stop the thoughts that were taking over my body, they were just too strong for me to handle, the constant screaming of the words in my side my head... "your worthless" "no one cares for you" "the world would be better off without you" "end it all". Those words were so much more then just words, the emotional and physical pain they brought me was unbarebale, like nails on a chalk board but 10 times louder and right in the back of your mind. I can't believe it was my birthday, the one day I should have been happy was the day I finally surrended to the screaming words inside my brain, it used to be only my mind hurting me, my heart was the thing that kept me going but my heart couldn't carry the weight of my mind any longer, it gave up like I had done long ago.

The emotions were taking over my memory at this stage, I could feel the shivers running down my spine as they did those years ago, being able to see my own thoughts, the horrible thoughts in my own brain that I somehow managed to think for myself was the most emotional thing I've ever experienced. The emergency button was looking really nice at this point but I knew, to move on with my life I needed to face this memory just one time and that would be it.

After being out all day for my birthday I was absolutely exhausted, I got Brandon (my body gaurd) to take me home around 10pm after being out for dinner, when we got home I told him he should take the night off and I'll see him in the morimg, little did he know I had no intention of seeing him in the morning. I walked through the door of my home, but even though I lived there it didn't feel like my home any more, no where did, I didn't belong here anymore. I put my bags on the coffee table and proceeded to the kitchen, it was a beautiful night outside, the full moon illuminated the entire house, especially the kitchen because of the floor to roof windows, the light reflected all the utensils in the kitchen, creating an array of stunning light spots around the room, unfortunately I was unable to appreciate the beauty around me, all I could see and feel was the darkness, I went upstairs and changed my clothes, I found one of my old shirts, it was my favourite when I was younger for so many years, it had a lot of meaning to me, I put it on along with some old trackies and went back downstairs to the kitchen. I walked through and stopped in the middle, I could feel a coldness creep over my shoulders, down my back, up my neck then into my head, at this point tears were streaming down my face like an endless river, but that was wrong it was soon to come to a dreadful end. I fell to the floor, my legs went numb and I couldn't stand any longer, I looked up to the bench, there was a particular utensil that caught my eye, I gained the feeling to stand up, I walked over to the bench and picked it up, it was cold with the night air and as sharp as a sword used in an ancient war, as I picked it up the blood through my body was pulsing as fast and hard as ever, this was the only option I could see, the only way I could see myself gain happiness, the esacpe I needed and wanted. As I brought the blade closer to my body the darker and darker my thoughts became until there was nothing, my thought process had stopped, it would now it would all be over. The warmth of my blood ran down my arm, onto my hand then to my finger tips, slowing dripping on the floor, it would soon be over, I then felt a burst inside me, I had no idea what it was but it made me jump and I dropped the knife, I took a few steps back out of shock, I didn't know what was happening to me.

As I watched this memory there were tears once again running down my face, not nessacarily sad tears but tears of relief, myself in the memory didn't know what was happening, but future me did, it was my heart, it's always my heart, it had been my saviour before and it once again came to my rescue, the darkness inside of me was telling me to give up but the spark inside my heart was telling me to fight this battle and try one more time.

As I sat inside the tree, emotions were over whelming me, I didn't know whether to feel sad, happy, disappointed or all of it, I don't know how I managed to get myself to such a disgraceful state of mind, where I thought my only option was to leave my life behind, but how I was wrong. Out of all the different forms of conflict, physical and emotional and all the rest, the conflict with yourself and your own mind is one of the biggest battles you will ever face, but anything is possible and if you have faith you can overcome anything.

0 notes

hellll0oo · 7 years

Text

rant don't read please i just needed to get it off my chest

im sry to vent to u guys but i just miss everything so much right now and im kind of having an emotional breakdown on this beautiful sunday afternoon and i just kinda wanna reflect on my life. i miss so much. and by so much i mean 1) being skinny and 2) having a boyfriend but it goes beyond that. i miss being skinny because i felt so confident, i had no problem landing guys, everything i wore looked good on me, i ate so well, and i was super active. the more weight i lost the better my life kept getting and i just want that to happen again but it’s so hard to keep eating so little and doing so much while so much is going on. i also regret all those times i looked in the mirror or at the scale and thought i was “so fat” because i was 116 lbs instead of 112 lbs. now id do anything to get back under 120 lb and be comfortable with how i look again. everything was so light and easy and i know i need to crack down on myself but the weekends are so hard and prom stresses me out and i miss my old life and vibes from when i was getting skinny and when i was. it seems like everytime im in a groove and losing weight my life is just going so well and then something comes up and ruins everything and i struggle so much past then and feel like shit and cry and eat and gain weight and it’s just so hard and i don’t wanna deal with it anymore. i miss the warm weather and the shorts my thighs didn’t look like australia in and so much more and i just need to kick my own ass into shape bc if ive done it once i can do it again. secondly i miss having a boyfriend. i miss having the security of someone who liked how i looked, liked how i acted, who would let me vent about my friends, who would laugh at my stupid jokes, who would send me snaps and texts saying how pretty i was, who gave me a shoulder to cry on, who would drive around with me when i was drunk and couldn’t go home, who would help me when i freaked out about my weight, who would cuddle with me like a big teddy bear, who would give me hugs and pick me up, who would make me laugh when i was crying, who would be there when i needed a date, who would take ugly pics of me when i said stop and then send them to me later telling me how pretty i was, who would constantly tickle me even though i hated it bc he loved to see me laugh and smile, who would kiss my face a million times to make me laugh, who got all nervous when he asked me out even though he knew id say yes, who didn’t even wanna see me hurt or upset and worked to make me happy again, and sooo much more. i guess i say having a boyfriend bc i know any other guy can do that for me in the future and that i don’t need that person to be my ex bc there were also times he was horrible. it was so nice having someone who reassuringly liked me and it still hurts so bad knowing he just stopped and there was nothing i could do or change to make myself desireable again and save what we had. idk why it hurts so bad but maybe it’s bc there were so many firsts that i had and will never get back and i just wish i could go back and be more grateful and appreciative and taken more cute couple pictures and not been such a bitch over the small things and been so concerned with what others thought about us and just had the balls to ask for a picture with him rather than waiting like 3 months bc i was afraid his friends would make fun of me and think im possessive. i should have spoken up about how i wanted to go downtown or to dinner or breakfast or any other place than just assuming he would know and getting mad when he didn’t bc that was petty asf on my part. i should have let him put those “ugly” pics of me on his stories bc it was just him trying to let everyone know that i was his in a cute and funny way. idk im just really upset right now and rambling and reflecting and maybe i do miss my ex but idk i think i just miss how my life was when i was with him and i NEED a prom date so badly and idk everything is just messy and my friends are mad at me and my mascara is all over my face and if i could just have my life be exactly how it was at the beginning of summer and then end of july that’d be great thanks bc i would go back 1) bc i was over dramatic 2) bc i had so many missed opportunities 3) those are the best parts of my life and i miss them so much!!! also if i could just go back for the past few months and not take everything i had social and just in general for granted and my life would be a lot fucking better right now and i wouldn’t be crying in bed w a stomach ache. also to add to all this ive been able to hook up with ONE guy since we broke up in november and he literally just used me twice and then stopped talking to me completely and like idc if u just wanna hook up it's the end of high school i don't wanna form a relationship to have to break up in a few months before college anyways but just be nice to me and be my friend at least and invite me to a party damn!!! but it just hurts bc what have i done to make all boys like avoid and hate me and not want anything to do w me?????? im gonna stop now and get shit done so rant over thnx bye.

#sorry for the rant #don't read

0 notes

yungxyari · 7 years

Text

3am thoughts....

I wanna write how I feel because its eating me up inside and when I try to express myself I get stuck First is first I messed up I wasn’t in the wrong from the beginning my birthday was great and for once I was absolutely happy not a care in the world first time in a long time. With happiness came a funny feeling for me those are never ever good when I say never I mean never bowling didn’t sound so right not after he expressed how tired he was something was off. Tuesday night is a night I’m done reliving I kinda just wished it never happened but since it did my next step is literally acting like it didn’t. Just to let it go After that night I shouldve blocked him but I didn’t I fucking didn’t block him I wanted to talk I wanted to work shit out when you love someone unconditionally shit like this tends to happen.. you just kinda sorta feel sick to your stomach giving up And this is the part where everyone gives in their opinion Why care about him if he doesn’t care about you his actions should show how he feels They probably are right but when you get to know someone you get to know them. And him I knew better then I know myself. Moving on I flipped my anxiety sucks I can’t control it it basically controls me and thats me upmost scariest feeling I have ever felt. I loose all sense of everything and im really going to try to get medication for that it fucking sucks and it basically dragged me to where I’m at the moment. Friday was hard after asking for nothing but the truth he wanted to still protect me and he lied I left work looking for nothing I shouldve went home I shouldve showered I shouldve laid down and once again BLOCKED HIM but I didn’t once again I let the anxiety the anger get the better of me. I really don’t have a valid explanation for any of my actions I swear I don’t and I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish by showing up at publix making a scene for what to drive him away even more. That isn’t the point he tried to check on me but it was already to late I was less then 500 feet from him with my heart beating almost out my chest not knowing my next move.. publix happened shit I’m not proud of another reason to apologize to C since his thing is he wants me to take responsibility.. he did me wrong asf me out of everyone he knows how I am and how I was with him and he took advantage of me of my heart and of my love and he abused it. Here everyone goes saying how can you feel that way at such a young age but me and the kid shared everything it was more of a friendship with the amount of unconditional love I believed we was throwing around… where do I continue Friday was Friday I ended up at my cousins party Lord help me that was a movie hen ciroc and beer pong how did I wake up the next day ask the devil because I don’t know I called him that night very mad at each other he answered on the first ring and I noticed I call he answers first ring second no more after that night. We talked for 21 minutes if I remember right the conversation I can’t tell you what was said but my drunken thoughts and sober words said anything and everything you can imagine. He was a dear the him I knew but better but caring but loving but supprortive things I havent seen in a while it felt good I felt good the call ended when G called me back in and 2 more shots later a bathroom converstaion occurred s/o to my girl A the first person to tell me something that makes sense not the default message I was getting from everyone because fuck him you deserve better really gets played tf out !!!!! that was over the party continued blasé blase “I’m finally in bed” text became a “good morning its work time “ text nothing too deep happened Saturday just the usual mix of emotions and feeling “I wish you were here right now” that broke my heart to pieces was the least of my worries. Saturday wasn’t bad and Sunday either I got an “I miss you” which made me feel great because fuckkkk finally I can confirm he feels the same Side note saturday I asked to b his first kiss of the year might not count for anything but it was important to me Sunday is where it began to fall not going into detail the day was good afternoon was good 7-9 was good I was out at first ignoring him but the kid just has a damn way of hoping back into my system. Spoke about fucking donuts which I was going to get delivered to him we left it at he’s taking a nap and that was it Till I got the feeling The feeling that fucks me over and shuts the reasonable part of my brain off. After this the outcome I lost my best friend I lost my keys I lost my self respect I lost my faith and hope and gained a charge Sunday Night was an eye opener well I thought it was Monday I woke up different it was good then sucked then sucked again it was great and at the end sucked even more at the end of this I stressed my mom out more then she is and lost his trust and everything Tuesday nothing really to say and Wednesday which is today but it isn’t considering its 3 am was a lot.

It went a little of both good and bad. More bad then good ofc “your picture is on my mirror but I’m going to have to take it off soon” As young as I may b I know, I know the feeling you get when you just know and I just know its kid having someone say they saw a future with u even at 17 maybe not now Mayb in 5 years maybe in 55 but that means a lot I lost him but I didn’t. And thats all ill say about it it ended sad and I could hear in his voice I’m not the only one hurting he just sucks at even showing this emotion do u love me….the reply was given basically then I love you it hasn’t sounded that way in never and click. The little details are out but this is basically what I can think of now it was about 30 minutes it was a lot.. The Instagram pictures are gone. And d is posted. I’m not even sure if giving an opinion on this is ok but b basically It feels empty I deleted the February picture and kept it moving… I started this at 2:58 am and its 3:40 and I’m still sitting here with a million and one things on my mind. School is in 4 days and I still need a week tomorrow I’m asking my mom I really need it. I need anxiety help and I need weight help just the month of December I lost 4 pounds shit is real its no longer a joke

Idk if I want help or I wanna give up, cutting ur self is super middle school, and pills are a game… tonight I’m feeling like I’m tired I’m tired of it all I don’t wanna deal with anything going on anymore and I say this with my eyes getting teary eyed I’m fucking tired honest to the god I don’t even know if belive In I’m fucking tired I wanna die I’m making my moms life harder and she already has her own shit I’m not happy I’m not motivated ion wanna do this shit anymore I’m fucking tired still havent blocked him yo sitting here thinking of what to do. Will writing it then reading it make it better?? Pills an option but the what ifs still sit. If I try it and nothing happens I’m forcing myself to keep it pushing but if anything at all happens then it was the right thing I’m sad I’m not alone but it feels like it I gotta work on things so many damn things I mean here goes nothing I think I got 2 benadryls Advil and other shit ill see what I pull out the bag for the record it was nobody fault but mine I’m just fucking tired drained and ready to give up I love u all so much always checking making sure I’m staright. I gone make this future happen if I don’t make this happen. And I dont know how u end this.. goodnight xo 54 minutes of pure feellings and my head is still going on at it.

update I woke up the next morning with a huge headache and disappointed

#jan5 #depressing thoughts #feelings #heartbreak #anxitey

0 notes