zl fic idea

hii everyone i wrote something yesterday about an au idea i had for zolu and. i thought i'd share it here since its a bit too messy and disjointed in places to post on like. ao3 or something.

4.7k words, warning for temporary major character death but do not worry all will be fixed in due time. i'll put the rest under the cut

ok i have an idea for an au thats like kind of reincarnation but like reality displacement but like. okay just listen.

so we start at laughtale. its a couple years into the future from where we are in canon the strawhats are achieving their dreams luffy is about to find the one piece theres a big battle happening between them and the blackbeard pirates and whoever the fuck else is there idc. the rest of the strawhats are fighting the bb crew while luffy and zoro head off to find the one piece and also end up fighting black beard himself. luffy and zoro atp r like basically a thing but they never talk about it cuz theyre luffy and zoro and they kind of just exist with each other but like. theyre basically in love and everyone knows it. anyway they go off together luffy has the one piece almost in his grasp blackbeard attacks they fight its a big battle blood is shed bones are broken uumm in my mind luffy and zoro are like teaming up against bb bc his devil fruit is lowk broken and op and like ok theres gear5 too but i didnt rly consider that so lets just assume bb’s devil fruit can negate gear5 somehow or luffy exhausts it before bb is fully defeated. 

finally theyre able to knock bb down and hes out and theyre both tired and worn but they DID IT and the one piece is luffys and theyre facing each other grinning ear to ear and zoros saying “you ready, king of the pirates?” and luffy laughs and goes “not just yet zoro, i still gotta-“ and then theres a spear piercing right through his chest. and in the next moment its gone. 

theres a gaping hole through his captain and theres blood, theres so much blood and luffy’s still smiling like he hasnt realized it yet, like it hasnt even registered. zoros ears are ringing and he doesnt know what to make of whats hes seeing because its just not real, it CANT be. 

he looks over luffy’s shoulder and blackbeard is on the ground with his hand outstretched , black energy coiling back into his form and he’s laughing and laughing with bloodstained teeth. hes fucking laughing. one moment zoro is still standing parallel to luffy and the next hes in front of blackbeard and the mans head is rolling through the dirt and gravel, wado dripping crimson, a terrible gap toothed grin still stretching the man’s cheeks. 

zoro is breathing heavy, hes trembling and hes almost mesmerized by the blood pooling around a lacerated neck— then he’s remembering luffy and turning around and calling his name and he can see right through him theres a HOLE right through him and he chokes and stumbles and rushes to his side right as luffy starts to crumple to the floor . catches him and lowers him gently and doesnt know what to say. 

hes still shaking but cant move his mouth and everything is muffled, the sounds from the battle outside are distant and they dont matter but what does he do. what does he do. 

he snaps out of it when luffy gently calls his name. a strong “zoro,” like hes not fazed at all. like there isnt blood soaking into zoros clothes. 

his brain kickstarts and he’s speaking. saying things like “youre ok you’ll be ok” and “choppers right outside i’ll just call him and he’ll fix you right up” and “you always bounce back, right captain?” and hes thinking “dont die please dont fucking die. not now, not when we’re this close please dont fucking die” and hes silently praying to all the gods he doesnt believe in but luffy calls his name again and his mouth clicks shut. luffys saying it’ll be fine, that he had fun. that hes proud to have made it this far with all of them. and those sound a lot like parting words so zoro’s shaking his head no but luffy is still smiling. hes saying that hes glad he had zoro, that he made him happy. hes saying to tell everyone he’s glad they met, that hes glad they all had each other, that he knows theyll be just fine . 

zoro wants to say that luffy should tell that to them himself, when hes wrapped up and recovering and alive but his mouth is glued shut again and he feels that interrupting luffy now would be cursing him to death, like his words are the only thing keeping him tethered here, he just needs to get him to keep talking to stay awake. 

he tries to smile but it comes out ugly and wrong and he feels his lip wobble so he drops it. he settles on rubbing his thumb on luffys shoulder. something to keep him here. 

so he rubs and luffy talks little things until he cant anymore. until his eyes grow dull and his skin loses its warmth and still zoro rubs and he rubs.

—

thats how law finds them. zoro hunched over a body that should never be as still as it is. and its really no surprise hes there, hes been gunning for the one piece since the time he could captain a ship (or a submarine) but it all feels so wrong. 

zoro either doesnt notice him or doesnt care, but either way the man doesnt acknowledge law until he’s right behind him. its not like law can say anything to announce himself either, not after seeing the state of the body that zoros currently holding. the body that used to be luffy’s. hes still processing it all when the other man(the one whos alive) finally speaks. 

zoro asks if hes got a devil fruit. less of a question and more of a statement, but he should know anyway since theyve spent considerable time together and hes literally seen him use it. law cant unstick his jaw so he hums in affirmation. “and you can switch stuffs’ places?” another hum. “what about time.” 

that makes law pause. “what?” his voice comes out stronger than he feels. 

“what about time? can you switch things in time?” by this point law has awakened his devil fruit or some shit dont sweat the logistics but hes never tried anything of that sort so he kind of stumbles “im not- maybe? ive never attempted-“ zoro interrupts “send me back” 

“what?” 

“send me back so i can fix this. you can do that, right.” it clicks. law would pity zoro if he didnt know any better, instead he just feels mounting despair and resignation. 

he may not be crew, but he knew luffy too, he was allied with the man for fucks sake, and this just feels- wrong. he sighs, a tired, heavy thing. 

“what about your crew?” its useless. zoros as stubborn as his captain, with arguably a handful more screws loose. “it wont matter. they’ll never know because i’ll make sure this doesnt happen.” he still hasnt turned around. law doesnt know what expression hes making and hes sure he never wants to find out. 

hes ready to deny it, cut his losses and head for the one piece himself (hes not heartless, but if he stands here any longer and has to look at. well. he think he might never be able to move again) but then he really thinks about it. could he? would it even be possible? surely this isnt the way things were supposed to go, surely this isnt right. luffys never been one who was supposed to die just like that, like this, law knows that much. he thinks hes going to regret this, but he counts it as one last thank you for everything luffy did for him. 

youre gonna owe me big time strawhat-ya. if i even remember this, that is. 

he puffs a breath “i can try. i cant- promise anything but. i think we both know this,” he makes a vague, weak gesture, “isnt right.” 

zoro doesnt say anything, law didnt expect him to. he just bows his head slightly and law takes that as the acknowledgment it is. 

he brings his hand up, “dont do anything stupid, zoro-ya. or, at least, make it stupid enough to bring him back.” 

he positions his fingers in way so familiar, but the weight of it now is nearly unbearable.

room.

shambles

—

zoro’s world shatters, differently than before, and then theres nothing.

—

he wakes up in bed, bleary eyed and a pounding headache assaulting his senses. his alarm clock is going off which only adds to the drumbeat against his eyes. he grumbles and whacks around aimlessly to shut it off. the silence lasts a moment before his eyes fly open and he jolts up, sheets pooling around his waist. luffy. where was he? where was zoro? did the crew find him and take him back to the ship? did law fail? but this didnt look like chopper’s office.

he looks around to find hes in a room hes never seen before in his life, yet he instinctively knows is his. it all feels so wrong, like he doesnt belong in his own skin. he scratches lightly at his arm. he needs to go to work. 

work?

what the fuck is happening. 

its like his mind is at war with itself, one truth trying to dominate over the other. he trained at sensei’s dojo. he aged out of foster care. he was a swordsman, he was the first mate of the strawhat pirates. he didnt go to college, hes working construction. he made a promise, and kuina died. kuina…died. huh. his captain, his luffy, someone he knew so intimately and who knew him in turn. hes never met someone with that name his entire life. he needs to go to work, he needs to find his crew. 

he doesn’t understand what the fuck is happening. 

without his permission his legs stand him right up and he moves confusedly, surely, to the bathroom he didnt know he had. his reflection stares back at him in the mirror and its him, of course it is, he doesnt know why he expected someone else, but hes also…different. he has both function of his eyes, first of all. a scar in the same place as before but its light and healed over and doesnt seem to have blinded him like it once did. his hair is green, sure, but black roots peek out from underneath the familiar shade. hes grown stubble, he should shave. he needs to go to work. 

hes so confused, but his body moves like its been doing this its whole life. as far as zoro knows, it has. 

he continues getting ready, mind still at odds, and makes himself a cup of coffee (in his own kitchen. his own kitchen? the state of it leaves less to be desired. sanji would surely skin him alive) before tucking into his shoes, grabbing his wallet and keys and heading out the door. he seems to live in a single room apartment, and a crummy one at that. his legs move him faster, he has to go to work, he cant be late again (again?).

his car is parked outside the building, he has no fucking clue what it is but he unlocks it all the same and settles in. he feels like he shouldnt be operating this sort of machinery. franky would know better than him how it must work. he starts it up and backs out. trusting his gut to get him where he needs to be. he should be more concerned, he should be frantic and inconsolable, his captain was dead in his arms and now hes? what? going to lay some bricks or some shit? but he finds that part of him dulled in favor of following whatever mundanity this body is pushing him towards. 

uumm whatever whatever he arrives at work eventually i dont know how construction jobs work are there offices or something. idc thats not the point. johnny and yosaku are there and zoro is surprised to see them since, as far as he knows, the last time they were with each other was at arlong park which was years ago for him. but the two greet him like this is a daily occurence, like theyve been working together for years. and zoro thinks, knows, they must have. but this is good, this is great fucking news actually because until now theres been no confirmation if zoro was here alone (wherever “here” is) but now his proof is right in front of him because if johnny and yosaku are here, and they exist the same as from before, then that must mean everyone else is here too right? he clings onto this hope with both hands trembling. 

nami, usopp, the cook and chopper and robin and franky, brook, jinbe and fuck. fuck, luffy. theyve got to be here somewhere, zoro just has to find them. hes not sure if they remember things like he does but hes got to try because they are his as much as he has always been theirs and they should all exist together as it has always been. 

so then yeah he finishes his shift because its what hes ‘supposed’ to do but he doesnt go home. he drives around aimlessly before pulling into a random lot and pulling out his phone (theres no snail attached to it. weird.) he doesnt even know where to begin. hes not usually the one coming up with plans, he just goes where theres blood need to be shed. but no one seems to be in any danger here except for maybe himself, and its not like he has his swords anyway- shit. fuck did he still have wado? he must have right? he knows there was a kuina that existed here too, he knows because he remembers. and she, well she wasnt around anymore so he must have wado. he must. with shaking fingers he pushes that aside for now, though barely. he needs to find luffy, but he wouldnt even know where to start. luffy could probably find the rest of their crew by simply wandering around and happening upon them, thats how he did it before. but zoro has no idea where he’d be, he doesnt even know where he is. nami or robin would be a good bet to at least form a plan, but he wouldnt know how to find them either. 

is there even a coco village here? would robin still be part of baroque works? he needs someone who has a defined location that he could google or something (what the hell is google?). usopp would be at syrup village right? shit. is there even a drum island? these are all too broad, he needs something specific. specific…..a place with an identifiable name, somewhere smaller that would be easier to stake out…

a lightbulb goes off. 

fucking shit he thinks. of course. of fucking course it would come down to the cook. 

he types in “baratie” to his maps and a location pops up, just 27 minutes from where he is now. he hasnt eaten yet either, so he figures thats killing two birds with one stone. he taps the address, backs out of the lot and drives. 

(if it takes him nearly an hour to get there thats nobodys business but his own)

he pulls up to the building about a quarter after 7. it seems packed enough already, but if memory serves him right then that was just par for the course for baratie. he parks, gets out and locks his car, then shoves his hands in his pocket and resigns himself to another oncoming migraine hes sure to get upon interacting with the man hes certain is waiting somewhere inside. 

the tables are full, the host tells him, he slips a 20 from his wallet and suddenly (of course) theyre more than willing to serve him. 

he gets settled in a far and somewhat isolated booth and a waiter comes up to him, but he cuts the man off as hes introducing himself and says “you got a blonde working here? stupid ass side part with a weird eyebrow? goes by sanji” the waiter looks shocked and put off by his rudeness but quickly collects himself and says “we might. depends on whos asking” zoro snorts “just tell him hes got someone who wants to talk to him,” he cringes at this next part, tries to smile but knows it comes off as a sneer. hes not sure if he still has conquerors haki wherever he happens to be now, but he tries to channel that energy the same way he would if he were in battle and says “tell him im a fan.” the waiters eyes widen, in fear or surprise zoros not sure (most likely a mix of both) before he nods and scurries across the floor, weaving in between patrons and coworkers alike until he disappears behind the double doors to the kitchen. 

zoro sits with his arms crossed and skims through the menu out of boredom and impatience. its a couple minutes before he sees a familiar head of blonde hair emerge from across the way. a smile climbs onto his face despite himself. sure, the guy annoyed him to hell and back and their…friendship (if you could really call it that) was a tumultuous one, but it was good to see someone familiar nonetheless. he schools his expression before the blonde can spot him. a few moments pass before hes standing right in front of zoro, his stupid suit primped and pressed as always, and a cautious look on his face. 

“you asked for me?” his tone is the one he only reserves for men who he deems not worth his time. zoro grits his teeth but says “yeah, theres something ive gotta discuss with you.” 

hes never been one for tact, forever blunt unlike his swords. 

sanji quirks a brow “i dont plan on talking about anything with anyone unless theyre a paying customer” zoro feels his eyebrow twitch but grabs his menu nonetheless and points to a random item without looking “i’ll have this then, and whatever booze you got.” sanji leans in to see what hes pointing to before his one visible eye widens and a grin slowly overtakes his previously unaffected face. 

he speaks condescendingly. “wonderful choice sir, coming right up.” before zoro can get another word in he grabs the menu out of his hand, spins on his heel, and marches back to the kitchen. 

zoro clenches his fists and does his best not to grind his teeth into a fine dust. no matter where they are or what displacement in time the fucking curly brow never fails to be absolutely insufferable. at least this way though, zoro knows its him for real. 

its another 20 minutes before the shit cook reemerges from the back with a platter and a mug in his hand. he steps up to zoros table and places the plate and cup down in front of him with a smug look. zoro has no idea what the fuck hes looking at on his plate. he doesnt have time to question it before sanji plops down in the booth seat across from him, disregarding all previous faux-professionale and asking “so what do you want” zoro tears his eyes away from his plate and looks into sanji’s, trying to convey as much emotion, as much urgency as he possibly can. 

“luffy needs us. and we have to find him” whatever the cook was expecting him to say, it definitely wasnt that. the other man regards him more warily now, looking him up and down with a tense frown before replying “i dont know what the hell youre talking about. and i dont appreciate being mocked or having my time wasted” he goes to stand up but zoro grabs his wrist, yanking him back down unceremoniously. 

he blinks before rounding back on zoro, flaring his nostrils in a way zoro knows means hes about to get himself in deep shit “oi, what the fuck do you think youre-“ he doesnt let him finish “im not mocking you. this isnt some stupid prank or whatever youre thinking. and despite how much i would enjoy punching your teeth in right now im not looking for a fight either.” 

the cook still looks affronted but seems to actually be listening. zoro continues “look, i dont know what the fuck is going on. i was at laughtale with you and the others, with luffy, and then i woke up and now im here and i dont know how but this is all wrong. its all wrong but i need to find luffy and fuck, i cant do it alone. i need your help to find him. find everyone.” the blondes eye is wide, but he blinks and its gone. he looks more tired than zoro has ever seen him 

“im not paid enough for this shit. i dont know why i even-“ he looks like hes getting ready to leave again but zoro is desperate at this point so he blurts out whatever he thinks will convince the other man hes not bullshitting.

“we met you here, at the baratie. me and nami and usopp and luffy. luffy busted through one of your walls so your old man punished him by making him wash dishes. i dont, i dont know what luffy said to you, or how he convinced you to join us, but he changed your life like he did mine. we sailed together, and we had each others backs no matter how much we got on each others nerves. you were our cook. i was our swordsman. luffy was our captain and youd do anything to help him, i know you would, same as me. youre a pervert and an asshole and a damn annoyance, but youre strong. i could still kick your ass though” if the cook’s eyebrow could go any higher hes sure itd be clear off his forehead by now. 

“and you- your dream. you wanted to find the all blue.” he stalls there, engine sputtering. zoro doesnt know what else to say, so he snaps his mouth shut. 

the blonde is still gaping at him like a fish, but he mouths the phrase “all blue” like hes been searching for it his whole life, like he always knew but just never had the words. 

he blinks. 

then he blinks again, rapidly. there are tears pooling in his eyes. his mouth flaps for a moment before he seems to finally be able to push out words. 

“you- zoro?” he sounds small. he sounds hopeful. zoro grins. 

“yeah, yeah its me.” sanji stares at him a moment, then looks around, as if hes seeing everything with clear eyes for the very first time. zoro figures he might as well be. 

“holy shit. holy shit.” 

zoro laughs, a rough thing. theres a ball in his throat that he cant seem to dislodge. “nice to have you back, curly brow” sanji’s gaze snaps back to him before he scowls and tries wiping away the tears that are now streaking down his cheeks. its useless though, it seems they cant stop. zoro laughs again at the sorry state of the asshole in front of him, this time more full and genuine. he feels so relieved he doesnt know what to do with himself. 

“yeah yeah, whatever dick head.” sanji grumbles. zoro quiets down, glances away, lets him have his moment. “fuck, mosshead, im still on the clock and you unload all this on me? how the hell am i supposed to finish the rest of my shift?” his words are sharp but he doesnt sound angry at all. in fact, when zoro turns back to look, hes smiling. 

“you remember now though, dont you?” he has to be sure. 

“what does it look like, dumbass? think im tearin’ up cuz of pollen or some shit?” the cook rolls his eye. theyre both silent for a moment, trapped in their own heads, before he speaks up again. “so, what now?” zoro doesnt even have to think before he answers “we find everyone else, obviously.” “well no shit, but how?” zoro glances to the side. “i was hoping youd figure that out” sanji stares before bursting out laughing. zoro scowls and hunches into his shoulders. 

“of course!” sanji cackles “of course your dumbass wouldnt know what to do! you probably just typed in the most recognizable place you could remember and hoped one of us would be there!” zoro doesn’t answer, because yes thats what he fucking did, but it worked didnt it? he doesnt see whats so funny. 

“fuck you.” 

he wants nothing more than to bash that smarmy mouth in, but the familiar egging settles something in his soul. sanji gasps a few breaths before calming down, now wiping tears from his eyes for a completely different reason. 

“alright alright, well lets figure this out then, yeah? we figure out how we got here then we can figure out how to get back right? simple enough” 

zoro nods, “law was-“ he stops. remembers dull eyes and clammy skin and wrong wrong wrong. he shakes his head, “no, no we cant” sanji looks at him confused. 

“we cant go back,” zoro presses, “not until i fix things. i promised i would” the other man seems to pick up on his panic and his mood dampens, becomes more serious. ��promised what?” 

zoros never been one to sugarcoat, but now he wishes he could find a way to soften the blow hes about to deal. he inhales, pushes the breath out. says, “luffy died, sanji.” the fact the hes actually using the other mans name seems to fly right over his head in favor of the first part. “what?” zoro huffs, is he really gonna make him say it again? “luffy di-“ sanji interrupts, angry now, fists clenched and whitened from the pressure “i heard what you said. but what do you mean.” 

he doesnt want to have to tell sanji what happened, doesnt want to talk about it at all, wants to slice it up into small enough pieces that it very well may have never existed.

he told law the others wouldn't have to know, that he would make sure of it, but he's realizing now just how unrealistic that is. as much faith as zoro places in his own abilities, he's aware he's only one man.

and, he figures, if there's anyone i can trust enough to share a burden heavy as this with, might as well be the one who's strength i'd count on just as much as my own.

sanji cant help if he doesnt know what went down once they got separated at laughtale, so zoro sets his shoulders, clenches his fists, prepares himself like hes riding into a battle he knows he has no chance of winning—hes the first mate for fucks sake—and resigns himself to filling the other man in on every horrible detail

by the end, the cook looks much the same as zoro feels, pale-faced and shaky. he runs a trembling hand through his hair and clenches his eye shut. “fuck mosshead, thats…” he doesnt bother finishing, and zoro stays silent—already knowing just how much of a shitty situation it is that theyve found themselves in.

—

(btw the reason sanji was so smug about what zoro randomly chose on the menu is bc its one of their most expensive dishes. even upon regaining his memories he still makes zoro pay it cuz hes an asshole like that. business is business 😁)

uuummm i dont feel like detailing the rest basically my idea is that they work together to try and track down all the members as well as law, since hes also a part of this. i dont know how or when or in what order but i do know finding luffy would come last. so yes its zolu but for a majority of it more in spirit than anything. maybe i can throw in some luffy pov of him living with ace and sabo . he knows something is off but cant place his finger on what. he knows something is missing but hes got his brothers with him so what else could he possibly need? etc etc. you get the idea

why does everything i get really into always end up being so god damn niche. by the year 2035 i am going to be blogging exclusively about the interpersonal relationships between the pillbugs and snails hiding underneath the bricks lining the flowerbeds in my parent's garden.

yooooo!!! you’re my favorite ethan winters artist i just wanna say that first and foremost, thank you for the wholesome content of my comfort character and father figure 🥹🫶

i’m really curious bc i feel like i see a lot of people against mithan (not me personally, i’m p neutral on them!) but i’m curious to know all your thoughts on them! thoughts on their canon relationship, their fanon portrayal, the backlash against them/mia accusations, and your headcanons? i’m just really interested!!! hopefully that’s not weird :”)

have a good day!! sparkle on!!! ✨💖

i heart mithan... i think that they can be so cute...

i personally hc them t4t and i like to think that the dated in highschool before they both had fully transitioned

mia likes to bake and ethan likes to scrap book and he always likes to take pictures of mias cakes/ baked goods and has a album for them 😭

i am a multishipper so i draw a lot of ethan ships so my girl is left out sometimes and im sorry mia 😔

i actually really like their relationship, its a really complex dynamic that i like to talk about with my friends

i think the issue is that when talking about mithan or mia in general, theres just SO MUCH misinformation that its honestly a pain the butt to talk about

people still think that she was responsible for the creation of eveline, people still think that she experimented on eveline, people still use examples of her attacking ethan as if she did it on her own will instead of being mind controlled

in reality she was just someone who oversaw the transportation of evie. im not excusing her or anything because obviously she knew what she was doing, but people really try to accuse her of doing something she didnt and it bothers me alot lol

the problem with the fandom is that people either try to water her down to girlboss who did nothing wrong and fail to acknowledge the complexity/ moral grayness of her character and the other side is misogynists 😭😭😭😭

its hard to talk about her without people either going "stop trying to villainize her and make her look bad!" or people ACTUALLY villainizing her and acting like heisenberg would have treated him better 😭😭

mithan is such a sad relationship because they loved each other so much and that ended up being the reason their relationship fell apart (sort of... its not like the broke up... ethan kinda just straight up died)

i get a lot a trouble for saying this, but mia is a selfish person.

its not a bad thing! well i mean it is but it doesnt make her some evil witch who is somehow worse than the guy how made a werewolf american ninja warrior. its just a major character flaw she has! which is good! mia being a flawed person who makes mistakes and morally gray decisions make her a more interesting person!

she is selfish in the way that she wants to keep her family with her no matter the cost. even if it means lying to ethan about her job so that he wont think different of her. here is a interrogation from the re7 DLC, which is easy to miss!

she isnt necessarily trying to apologize for the things she has done, she is more of a, "u wont need to forgive me in the first place if we just forget it all and move on"

she doesn't try to redeem herself for what she has done, she tries to move on and return to the normal life that she wants so bad. which is fine! everyone copes a different way and she has to right to move on from her trauma. the problem that lies in this is that she has a shared trauma with ethan who still has no idea what went on in dulvey and still effects him till the present (he is mold! this is a important thing to know! most people would want to know if they were a walking corpse)

she played a direct part in what happened in dulvey, and im not referring to the email, she did not send that. she never wanted ethan to come in the first place. she tried her best to send a video to him, begging him to forget about her because she wanted to protect him, BUT it didnt send.

he got involved because she was involved. its honestly a series of really really unfortunate events.

THOUGH! she did know what she was getting into. im tired of seeing the narrative that mia was innocent and didnt know what was going on or was simply a bystander. she knew what she was doing, she knew eveline was a bioweapon, she knew eveline was a child. she used a MACHINE GUN! she knows how to use weapons and was obviously trained for it.

she tried her best to keep everybody out of the mess, ex: warning the bakers not to take them in, warning ethan not to find her, sacrificing herself for ethan in the later half of re7

but again, those are the consequences of HER actions

her consequences just happen to get really big and end up hitting ethan on the head like a metal sheet 😭

their relationship is really so interesting, it makes me really sad to think about sometimes 😭they both went through something that nobody else would ever understand, in the end they really only have each other. they get moved to an entire different country and the dulvey incident gets covered up with a "gas leak"

its really tragic because their marriage definitely had some flaws and bumps. and i know im repeating myself but its because people always take this in the worst way possible but just because i say their relationship was rocky doesnt mean im saying they dont love each other!!! thats the entire basis of mias character!! saying she doesnt love ethan would destroy her entire character!

you can see in the re8 DLC how fondly ethan talks about mia! he loves her so much, though im not sure if his comments in the DLC are him narrating current (post re8) or his thoughts before everything went down and he died (pre re8)

everything mia did was because she LOVED ethan. she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, she is not a cruel person. she hides the truth of her job from ethan pre re7 because she loves him and doesnt want her job to drive them apart. she CONTINUES to refuse to tell ethan the truth post re7 because she wants to move on a live a happy normal life with him and knows something like her being directly associated with the connections would probably cause (more) problems. she refuses to tell ethan that he is mold because again, hard to live a happy marriage with your husband after you tell him hes a bioweapon.

obviously i dont think it was right that she did this, thats what makes her selfish! she did it for herself! she did it for her family! she thought it would work out, she thought that they could move on and be happy together.

the issue is that ethan didnt want to forget. he wanted to know what happened, he wanted to know the part mia played, he wanted answers! which is reasonable! he knows to some extent that mia was partially responsible for his involvement and he was always suspcious that mia was lying to him about her job which is implied when mia says "you were right, i did lie to you"

she doesnt learn, she doesnt stop lying, her lies get bigger and worse and it sucks yeah but it makes her so interesting!!! she keeps doing stupid things under the idea that this is whats best for her and her family, that if she hides this everything will work out and it will be for the better but its not!

just because telling your husband hes dead and a bioweapon is a hard subject to bring up doesnt mean you DONT bring it up. people shouldnt use that as a reason to excuse mia 😭, its a very bad excuse and honestly highlights how horrible their communication skills were. you cant just not tell your husband that he is actually infected with the mold and not tell him for the tree years between post re7 and pre re8.

im not saying these things to put mia down, or try and villanize her. these are all just actual things her character does! she isnt evil, but she isnt a knight in shining armor either. we need to be able to have talks about complex characters without crying everytime someone points out a flaw. characters have flaws! and mia just happens to have a lot of them!

im not mad at her, i dont dislike her because i think this way of her. shes a fictional character! you can like characters that are morally gray, or villains that drink blood and make corpse soldiers. they are fictional! pointing out the flaws of a character does not mean i dont like them.

i wouldnt call her "the real villain of re8" but i wouldnt treat her like a damsel in distress either. she is a competent person, she knows what shes doing, she has her reasons for doing them. she made bad descions with good intentions behind them! they can coexist and we should let them!

i like mithan! its a complex relationship because they both love each other so much but hurt each other in the process

talking about them is just a pain in the butt because talking about mia is a pain in the butt lol

i really hate how she keeps getting sidelined, its super frustrating to see mia get put in a cage in every game 😭

its even more frustrating that mia straight up just disappears???? in the shadows of rose DLC... like she just stops taking care of rose and theres nothing said about it. no reason or explanation. i dont think mia would ever ditch rosemary because she didnt care about her, but we probably will never know because capcom sucks at writing and they probably forgot the mia ever even existed.

all in all, i think the fandom is really just full of misinformation which make people either think mia is some horrible evil person, or its full of people who think that saying mia messed up is the equivalent of comparing her to wesker lol.

i really love mia, shes a incredibly fun and complex character, its just hard to enjoy her sometimes with the people in the fandom haha.

also ive got no idea what u meant by "the backlash against them/mia accusations" so sorry if i didnt answer that!

thank u for the ask! sorry for the long response!

I love your art!! I really admire your work and I love your deltarune fanart, especially how you draw noelle :) whenever I look at your art I always feel like you have such a firm grasp on anatomy and all your drawings feel like they really exist in 3d space, and i love how the characters in your drawings are shaped :0 do you have any tips for a learning artist?

well gosh, after you buttering me up like that, how can i refuse? (jk but in all serious, thank you so much this is SO sweet) anyway, let's see, tips..... (this ended up turning into a whole tutorial lmao)

so one thing you'll hear a lot of artists say is to start with a warm up first, but not a lot about what "warming up" actually means. some people take that to mean they have to start with a whole other drawing, personally i find that takes away too much energy and i end up spending way more time on it than i want to. i like doodling little cubes and cylinders, but if i have something to color sometimes i just do that to warm up. whatever works for you best, just anything to get your hand used to the motion of drawing.

for starting the actual drawing it really is important to begin with a line of action. think of it as a basic guideline for how you want to pose a character. it will help the pose flow better, trust me. (im going to draw noelle bc obviously im pretty used to that)

some artists start with just the line, i like to do the guide for the head first and then the line, whatever

you dont absolutely have to follow the line for your pose btw its just good to have an idea of what youre doing before you do it

after that is when you start worrying about shapes, usually. an important thing to remember when drawing is that absolutely everything is made of shapes, first and foremost. humans, animals, objects, drawing anything starts with shapes. circles squares and triangles. this goes for drawing from life too! it's why you want to start with a light pencil or a sketch layer cuz this is the stuff youre gonna erase later, but it's essentially the skeleton of your drawing

btw, i give noelle a very basic "average thin teenage girl" figure but it's good to practice other body types too and learn what shapes work best for drawing those

you mightve heard the advice to "draw the person nude first and then draw the clothes on top of them" and that's only partially true- it's good to know what the shape of the body is before you dive in with the clothes but you dont have to do like, a whole nude model first. you just need enough to understand how the fabric is going to fall on the body

also, and this is sort of off-topic, but when it comes to clothes its good to understand how different fabric works and how it's going to react to a body underneath it. some fabric clings, some is very loose, some is thin and some is thick. basically what im saying is that you dont have to shrink-wrap the clothing to the body, especially when it comes to a character with breasts or anything else that sticks out. thats a mistake a lot of beginner artists make. in this case, noelle's robe is very loose but i still want it to conform to her body a little bit so the pose isn't totally lost

aaaaand there ya go! after all that is when im ready to actually draw the dang thing. you can tell if you look close that i didnt totally follow the guidelines i made for myself, and that's okay. for example i tend to almost always draw the head too small and then have to enlarge it afterwards. one of the perks of being a digital artist is i can make mistakes and not have to re-do the whole drawing to fix them.

one other thing as to how to get better at actually drawing the body right in the first place- FIGURE DRAWING! as cliche as it might sound it really helps. it's best to draw from life, but if you can't get into a class for it there are plenty of websites out there with good photography of nude models. i also reference a lot of my poses from those websites, or sometimes from videos of figure skating or ballet if i think the situation calls for it.

this is a good website for figure drawing practice- it lets you set a timer so you can practice getting a pose down quickly or spend a lot of time on one model, your choice

also, yknow, always make sure you're having fun and dont stress out too much about whether what youre drawing looks good. the more you draw, the better, and don't think you have to post everything to social media if you dont want to. draw for yourself first and foremost and observe from life and artists you admire what you WANT to draw and want to get better at, and what looks like fun. that's the most important part

i seriously CAN'T FUCKING DO GESTURE DRAWING!! been practicing for more than a year and it just never turns up right, i overthink way too much when im trying to capture the pose and it just becomes a horrible circle, this happens sometimes when im drawing other things but not all the time like gesture drawing and i seriously don't know what to do it's frustrating me so much i might cry, tips or something? love your art btw

I completely get it man! Gesture drawing is really difficult to get a handle on; most of my poses today are still really stiff when I try ashwvjcn

The most advice I can give is to not give too much thought to it initially. Finding and situating yourself with references at first, and then only focus on the lines of action that you can see in there; I tend to create lines for the shoulders, head, spine, and hips, that way I can get a loose idea on how they fit!

While it's a little difficult to see in the photo for this, you can note where my initial skeleton was in the construction circle of the face. I started this one off with really loose, light lines, getting the curve of the back and the alignment of his head and shoulders first and foremost before working on any details.

It can be hard to break things down at first, especially if you feel pressured with timed references. Many artists have their own tactic to getting the hang of gesture drawings, and I highly suggest playing around with those to see what does and doesn't work for you! The biggest thing on my end is to start as simple as you can, and keep it loose. The pose doesn't have to be an exact match; so long as you can see where those basic landmarks are (line of action, and notable features) you can get a good start! Finding ways to relieve the pressure can do numbers. Don't feel unmotivated if you're struggling at first!

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

The Local Shooter Vs. WizurdAbes

(LS) Hello thank you for being part of a great come up, first and foremost for the people that don’t know who are you what do you do and where are you from?

(WA) Wazzzzaaaap! thank you for having me man I’m glad to be apart of this. For anyone who doesn’t know me I go by WizurdAbes or Abel the name my beautiful creators gave me. I was born and raised in Anaheim, California moved to Az was also raised in Phoenix, Arizona.

(LS) How did start making music, what was your first actual moment when you decided that being a musician was for you?

(WA) I started making music when I was 16 years old in 2013 but I strictly made it for the love and joy of it. I first decided that being a musician was for me in 2017 when I was going to school to an automotive technician or mechanic whatever you’d like to call it but i realized i did not want to work on cars my whole life although I love working on cars, I really love working on music more than anything ever, so i thought if i could still make a living doing what i constantly think about and love doing i figured why not go for it all the way.

(LS) We see you’re apart of The Healthy Club and Dark Manor? What do those group consist of and who’s affiliated with them?

(WA) So The Healthy Club is a Clothing Brand that one of my brothers is finally getting to launch and its a collective of close homies who get together and come up with creative ideas and Dark Manor is a music group that consists of 2 Musicians being my brother Wilby and myself who make music but we also represent both Dark Manor and Healthy Club. You can expect some new merch from Healthy Club and new music as well as merch from Dark Manor.

(LS) You recently had your first show at trunk space? How did all that come about? How was your first actual show experience?

(WA) So that came about because ive been wanting to throw a show and been struggling to make ends meet so thankfully i was able to finally get the funds to make it happen, and of course i couldnt do it without the amazing artists and Dj that performed that night and the amazing people that pulled up. My First show experience was AWSM as fuck although it wasnt my first time performing generally speaking but it was my first time doing a real show so i was bit nervous but when i get in my zone none of that matters anymore because it just feels natural.

(LS) We see you made your first video “Numb” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tRLxz0i0ec) how did the whole concept for that come alive?

(WA) The concept for that song and video came about when i had just finished a beat i was producing at home and i finished writing to it right after. As much as i dont like to openly talk about my personal life much my music can be personal because i like for anyone thats listening to know they can possibly relate to me so the song is just about feeling numb and having no energy to do things or even react to anything due to the things that have happend over the past year but remaining grounded and one of my ways of staying grounded is going out for a walk in the woods sometimes.

(LS) We see you’re on many platforms (https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/wizurdabes/numb) and have couple things out. A full project, and two singles! What can we expect from you this year, are you working on anything right now?

(WA) This year you can expect more music videos and more new music from me! Right now i am currently working on some new music and some music videos to later on share with the world.

(LS) Have you seen any artists in Arizona that you’re looking to collab with? We see you have a few tracks with Wilby, anyone else that caught your attention?

(WA) Theres a couple of taleneted artists that caught my attenton like Definition of Tones and Eloy Gabriel that is def would and will work with in the future when the time comes. I do have more tracks coming with Wilby as we are currently working on our first collective project that we will be dropping around summer time. This project will consist of tracks produced by me and possibly a couple other talented producers and artist from Az and other states so stay tuned!

(LS) What do you think the Arizona music scene is missing? Do you think you have what it takes to fill that void in the city?

(WA) Honestly, I dont believe im in a position to speak on what the Arizona music scene is missing because i feel as if i've met other artists more involved with the Arizona music scene but i do feel i have what it takes to stand out from many artists in general.

(LS) Any tips for people that are starting up in the scene this year? How can they work on getting music out and getting shows done?

(WA) For any one starting up all i have to say is be yourself, be confident and humble even though you may come across many who aren't in it for the same intentions just continute to do you believe inyourself and don't limit yourself. Im no master at this but some tips to get your music out better is to promote it consistently and invest in promiting your music and making it available on all platforms to reach as much people as you can which will lead to possibly getting some shows as more people hear about you.

(LS) Well thank you for being apart of a great come up anything you want to tell your old fans and new fans now, anything we can expect from you in 2020? Also where can they reach you via social media?

(WA) Thank you guys for having me i feel honored as hell and I would just like to say to any old supporters, thank you so much for fucking with me since day one and for continuing to listen and bump the new stuff and for the new supporters joining me on this journey, I also want to say thank you as well for being open and fucking with me. I hope to inspire people to follow their dreams, take care of themselfves and and do what the fuck you want with your life. Stay tuned as i will be dropping more new music along with some new music videos and even some merch thats in the works thank you!

The Local Shooter Vs. WizurdAbes

character development: multiples of 5

character development || accepting! || im assuming this means every number that traces back to five – going under a cut for length

5. How do they dress? What styles, colors, accessories, and other possessions do they favor? Why?

Hana tends to dress very light and feminine – pastels, especially pinks, creams, and whites, and floral print, and/or skirts, dresses, leggings, etc. Despite her style, she also dresses practically; you’re more likely to see her in flats than heels, leggings under her skirts, shirts that are easy to change out of in an emergency – and this is partly due to those types of clothes just being what she has around, and the internalized knowledge that the Gwishin could come back at any moment, so what if one day she doesn’t have time to change clothes, you know?

10. What energizes and drains them most?

I’d say Hana’s biggest negative energizer is alarms. She naturally associates alarms with disasters ;; the gwishin, natural disasters, waking up. Hearing one sends her pulse racing and gets her blood pumping, but also usually leaves her fingers and knees shaking.

Her best positive energizer would be playing games with her friends. She prefers video games, but in truth it’s simply the act of spending any kind of time with those she loves that makes her smile – video games are just a bit of an extra adrenaline source. I mean, have you ever had a really really close Overwatch match and it got your blood pumping? Yeah.

15. What kind of inner life do they have — rich and imaginative? Calculating and practical? Full of doubts and fears? Does it find any sort of outlet in their lives?

Ooh, inner mind stuff! Hana at heart has always been imaginative. She’s very inventive, with an odd kind of creative drive behind her thinking. She’s the one who looks at it all from another angle – without being told to and/or held upside down by one’s brother as he danced around the room.

That being said, imagination isn’t always a bad thing. Hana’s always allowed her creativity to go unchecked – i.e. it’s grown without constraint, so sure, she’s creative, but now that she’s older, with all that trauma from war, it’s taken to manifesting in less than pleasant ways. What was once a creative spark is now source for a lot of anxiety, a constant what if, what if, what if? What if the Gwishin come back and she can’t stop them? What if she’s not ready? What if she’s responsible for the fall of Busan?

20. What kind of individual relationships do they have with others, and how do they behave in them? How are they different between intimate relationships like friends, family, and lovers versus more impersonal relationships?

Hana is a very multi-faceted individual. Each relationship is special to her, and she behaves a bit differently for each – though there are exceptions to every rule, of course. With friends she’s just met, she’s much more… Controlled compared to her regular self. Once those friends work their way up to ‘close friend,’ however, she easily comes out of her shell and showers them with support and physical affection.

Hana hasn’t had contact with her family since she was eighteen – however, before that, life was more or less pretty okay. I imagine they wanted her to do more than pro gaming, but in the end it was her happiness that truly mattered. Hana would treat them with any respect and kindness that was due, but if they talked down to her, she’d be as big of a little shit as she could until they treated her as an equal in the conversation.

With lovers… Hana’s never really had an opportunity to be in a relationship. Before gaming, she was very enveloped in school and learning – and after gaming, she joined the military. Now theoretically she COULD get a date if she really wanted to, but… Well, she’s scared. She knows the risks of her job, and letting someone get so intimately close, only to die on them? She’s not that cruel.

25. What do they need and want out of relationships, and how do they go about getting it?

First and foremost what Hana needs is support. She needs someone who’s there for her on bad days, even if they don’t know it’s a bad day;; someone who cares for her. She won’t go out of her way to force you into that, but if you can’t give her the support she needs (i.e. because you don’t CARE, not because you’re literally unable to) she will drop you like a hot coal. She knows what she deserves, sometimes.

30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much?

I hc all/most of my muses to have adhd like me – Hana herself has ADHD-c, also like me, also known as the combined type – she’s equal parts hyperactive and inattentive. This means she’s very in-tune with a lot of stimuli around her at any given moment. She has a rather high tolerance level (unlike me) which makes it easy to do stressful things like, say, pro gaming, without tunnel-visioning.

When she does get overwhelmed, though, she tends to shut down – she becomes withdrawn and snappish and moody, much like a caged animal, and she has to leave at some point and find a way to relieve that tension – typically by playing a few games or listening to music.

When there’s not enough stimulation, Hana often resorts to her mind wandering, exploring different ideas and concepts. Normally, hey, sure, that’s fine, everyone does it – but for people with anxiety, this isn’t always a good thing. Why do you think she’s constantly out and about? She needs that stimulation.

35. How and why do they internalize knowledge? What effect has that had on them?

Hana is a very hands-on kind of learner. She can’t learn very well from just sitting and being told what to do, despite her good grades in school – it comes much easier when she has something to interact with, especially if finding a working method reaps benefits immediately – like gaming. She’s very inquisitive and a natural learner, and she’s always been drawn to hands-on jobs – pro gaming, MEKA, etc.

40. What do they wonder about? What sparks their curiosity and imagination, and why? How is this expressed, if it is?

Hana often wonders about a version of the universe where the Gwishin never attacked Busan. How advanced would they be, how populated would they be, would Busan expand? Shrink? Without the Gwishin to wreak havoc and destruction, what would city life be like? What would her life be like? With no need for MEKA, she’d likely still be in the pro-gaming scene, which… Well, it doesn’t sound like a bad thing.

Things that spark her curiosity and imagination are things she views as – well, curious. The meaning of life, the way human and omnic bodies move and function, a particularly good song… It’s all about finding the pieces that click. While Hana isn’t naturally artistically inclined, and doesn’t necessarily express these imaginings, she likes to seal them in little mental bottles and file them away for bad days when she needs a distraction.

Insomniac Founder Pasquale Rotella Did A Reddit AMA Live

Insomniac founder Pasquale Rotella did a Reddit AMA Live to answer questions on EDC 2018 and here’s all the questions and answers he responded to.

The live AMA took place Sept. 27 at 3pm PST. Lots of questions came up, but only a few were answered. Since some of them offer us new insights into EDC 2018, I’ve compiled them all for us! Check it out below and read the Reddit thread here. Some of the questions got off the topic of EDC 2018, so I’ve reorganized them to be at the bottom.

Q: jtet93: Can we have details about how the shuttle experience will be improved? I can't really express how bad my experience was last year, and I was personally really frustrated that it was so challenging after the cancellation of third party shuttles. I swore I wouldn't come back to EDC unless the transportation improved. I know you're handing off the planning to an outside company but any details you can provide on how their plan will make a real difference to the shuttle experience would be awesome. I'm also wondering if there will be reentry for campers? And how the issue of sunlight will be dealt with in the "turnkey" tents - will there be any effort to create shade or darkness in the camping areas? Thanks Pasquale! I will say that once I'm inside EDC it's definitely one of my favorite places ever and I love attending. I would love to see the logistics improve and come back year after year A: PasqualeRotella: We have confirmed the third party company we will be using for shuttles and they provide transportation for the largest live events in the world. I am excited about collaborating with them to make it the best it’s ever been. Also, great camping question! The tents we are setting up will provide protection from sunlight. There are also multiple shade areas for not only activities around the campgrounds but also at the center camp, which is called The Mesa. We’ll have more details about this when we announce camping soon!

Q: Shannonraczka: Can we get a ball park range for camping passes? Also will they be available in a payment plan as well? Lastly can we get an estimated time that they will go on sale? Thank you!! A: PasqualeRotella: It will be between $250-$275 to bring in your RV, and we’ll have hook-ups available for an additional fee. As far as campers, there will be several different packages available. It depends how many people you’re with and what packages you choose, but you’ll be able to get something between $450 to $2,500 for 4 days of camping. This will all be laid out clearly before we go on sale with camping options.

Q: RaveMeSilly: With camping being added and festival hours being extended, are there plans to change the re-entry policy? I'd love to party from 3pm to 6am, but it would be clutch to be able to hit up the campgrounds for a bit in between to relax and recoup. A: PasqualeRotella: Yes, during festival hours you can come in and out of the show as long as you have a camping wristband [additional response on the same post] We will have in's and out's at the festival for campers, but non-campers will not be able to enter the campgrounds.

Q: TheHans215: How likely would it be to get a small stage, maybe even sponsored by like 7-Up again, inside of the huge shuttle tent outside the speedway? Waiting in the early hours of the morning would be way better with some chill music to groove to. Even better, have campers host the stage like a "sound camp" type thing. Doesn't have to be crazy lights or effects, just some sound to keep peoples moods high. A: PasqualeRotella: We're capable of building that, no problem. No plans for that right now but I like the idea. Thanks for the suggestion! That said, we do not plan on having a long wait at shuttles with our new provider.

Q: ekapote: Hi Pasquale! I have a question regarding security on shuttle waiting lines. Last year a huge cause of frustration, along with long waiting times, was due to large groups of people jumping the fence dividers and cutting lines leaving the festival. Does the new company plan on upping the amount of security monitoring these lines? There was no way cops on the outskirts could see what was happening inside the tents based on the layout. My group witnessed several fights break out, and we were concerned for the safety of everyone involved. Thanks so much for taking the time to answer our questions! Can’t wait for 2018. ✌🏼🌼🦉 A: PasqualeRotella: The answer to that question is yes. Shuttle operations are gonna be completely different next year.

Q: juanmiindset: Im a Cast Member at Disneyland and Ive seen you and Holly at the park often, how much inspiration from Disneyland goes into these festivals if any? A: PasqualeRotella: I get inspiration from so many different places. Even going all the way back to the original LA warehouse underground scene. But yes, theme parks as well!

Q: DeClann: Will the livestreaming experience be improved for 2018? Having a continuous stream for each stage would be much more appreciated than 10-20min sets from only a handful of DJ's. I can't wait to see what you have in store for EDC 2018! A: PasqualeRotella: I've gotten mixed opinions from people for what they'd like to see on this. I do appreciate your input. We're capable of doing longer sets. Maybe I should get a vote on this from fans.

Q: brandejae: You advised that EDC 2018 will be getting longer hours, new shuttle service, camping and new stage designs. Does this include the neonGARDEN as well!? We've had the "TechnoTeepee" for going on three years now and it's definitely getting a bit stale. Personally, I really enjoyed 2013/14's designs with the larger structure and feel that Insomniac could take note from Awakenings & Time Warp for their new Factory93 experience. Techno has definitely been growing in the states and I feel like we are definitely past due for some upgrades! Thank you! A: PasqualeRotella: Agree! We are working on new designs for next year's neonGARDEN.

Q: Rekari: Are there any plans to update QuantumValley stage? This year was great, but could have been better with the addition of CO2. Also it seemed like it was too small of a venue for some of the bigger acts like ATB and Gareth Emery where it was completely packed this year. A: PasqualeRotella: Yes, I'm excited to say that it’s going to be a new open-air stage.

Q: Ilovewingsnthings: Pasquale, I LOVE all the main stage designs, but can we please have more LED on the main stage? I really like Insomniac visuals, but the last 3 years they been obstructed. Kinetic Cathedral has been the perfect balance. A: PasqualeRotella: We pretty much use all the LED in the United States for EDC Las Vegas every year so that might be difficult unless you own an LED company.

Q: Redrunk: Where exactly is the camping going to be on the speedway grounds? A: PasqualeRotella: Surrounding properties outside the Speedway grounds.

Q: slombar: As a big trance and Dreamstate fan, I have to admit the QuantumValley experience just didn't compare to the old Megastructure of Circuit Grounds. Is there any plan to bring a megastructure stage back? A: PasqualeRotella: There are no plans right now, but there's the possibility of bringing the megastructure back, just not for the circuitGROUNDS. It's not big enough to accommodate the people at that stage.

Q: xxalexmxx: Pasquale will you improve premier parking for edc 2018? I spent $150 this year and left at 4am and no one in the lot could leave till 8am friday it was horrible Everyone in GA left before us. The pass was for faster in and out but we were the last ones to leave Ive had premier for 3 years in a row. 2015-2016 was better so why change it Youve also moved it into a diffrent bigger lot which makes me think its more about the money now. Edit: Can you let us know if premier parking lot will be in the new 2017 lot again or will go back to the good lot they had in 2015-2016? A: PasqualeRotella: The only way that we’ll have it as an option is if it is 110% improved.

Q: vanewho: Pasquale! The announcements you made regarding the changes to EDC have definitely lived up to the hype and shows that you are actively trying to improve things for us. I've been attending EDC for 3 years now and this past year just felt.... off. It bummed me out a little but this gives me hope that 2018 will be great again. Question #1: Are you going to continue this trend of booking artists that are not part of the EDM scene? (DJ khaled, metro boomin, etc.) Question #2: A lot of headliners complained about being ripped off by the water vendors and being denied ice in 100° weather. Are you aware of this at all? A: PasqualeRotella: Thanks for supporting us for the past three years and reaching out to me today! For your first question, we'll always experiment with things out of the box. We are a dance music festival first and foremost, but we're gonna have fun sometimes, especially in Las Vegas, California. ;) As far as the water question, I never heard this before but thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'll speak to the head of F&B at the Speedway. Good thing is the average temp in May is 64 at night. Thanks again. I'll get on this.

Q: Bertillcious21: Hey Pasquale! Just a quick question... Will shuttle prices go up with this change? When will you announce shuttle stops? Can we expect to have the same ones as last year? We want to book our hotel ASAP. A: PasqualeRotella: Not only are the prices not going up but shuttles will be immensely improved. All stops will be announced before the shuttles go on sale.

Q: kunfuz1on: Having a large quantity of DJ's at EDC is good for diversity but have you thought about lowering the amount of DJ's at the event in place of longer sets? It would be nice to see multiple DJ's play for 1.5 - 2 hours. A: PasqualeRotella: We will have artists periodically play extended set times depending on the genre or stage they are playing at.

Q: nnicot: Hi Mr. Rotella, as an 'older' festival-goer it's been amazing watching the evolution of Insomniac festivals through the years. present-day EDC especially is mind-boggling with its production quality and lineups. My mind was completely blown this year watching Valentino Khan throw down his ridiculous set while all the fireworks were going off in our faces right behind the Basspod stage! First question: after so many years of holding EDC in June, what was the final tipping point for you to move EDC to May? Second question: moving forward, how much involvement do you think you will have with the HARD brand of events, and what is your vision for the Hard brand? The recently revealed Holy Ship lineups are absolutely insane and have definitely served to calm the fears of many of the die-hard Ship fans. Thank you and my crew and I are eager to see what Insomniac brings in the future! A: PasqualeRotella: The biggest factor in our move to May was the cooler weather. It allows us to do camping, have extended hours, and the temperatures are way more comfortable for Headliners. It also takes if off of Father’s Day, which is great for me and all the other Dads. We’ve owned HARD for 4 years but haven’t operated it, with the exception of helping with HARD Summer at Glen Helen this past August. Moving forward we’ll continue with operations.

Q: IIcantstopwontstopII: Every year you manage to up the ante with production design, you see to have the perfect layout stage by stage at the speedway. Wil we ever see stages que relocated? Or since the system is already in place, will things forever stay the same? A: PasqualeRotella: We don’t have any plans to but if you think there’s a reason to, please let me know.

Q: mycleanaccount96: Why wont you release all dj sets recorded at edc? A: PasqualeRotella: We leave that up to the artists to make that decision.

Q: soondubu23: How safe is camping? Are personal items susceptible to stealing/looting while we're at the festival? A: PasqualeRotella: If you're in an RV I suggest you lock it. If you're staying in a tent, we ask that you bring your own lock as the zippers will have luggage lock holes. Security will be roaming the grounds as well. [later to the same post] You'll be able to access your vehicle if you want to lock items in there too.

Q: A_burdenless_pig: Hi Pasquale! Just wondering what the timeline for camping? What date could people check in and what is the latest they could check out? Thanks A: PasqualeRotella: Campers will definitely be able to check in on Thursday, but we're looking at the possibility of Wednesday. Checkout will be Monday around 7pm.

Q: sheriffChocolate: So my question, like so many others, is related to EDC camping. In the campground can we get above ground pools and have pool parties with DJs? Since we're so far away from the strip I feel like this would be a great way to supplement some EDC week pool parties and cool off! A: PasqualeRotella: That is being explored and likely to happen. Plus a lot more activities will happen. I'm excited about it.

Q: alpatt: Pasquale, Will EDC LV be going "cashless" and make the attendees utilize wristbands for payments in 2018 similar to other music festivals? A: PasqualeRotella: No plans for it right now but is that something you think we should do?

Q: Psirocking: Was edc ny ended over low turnout, high cost, or a bit of both? A: PasqualeRotella: The reason we no longer organize EDC New York is because we felt like we needed to find a better venue.

Q: shotnuke005: Where do you lean on the pineapple on the pizza argument? A: PasqualeRotella: All toppings are welcome here :)

Q: Ilovewingsnthings: Pasquale, I've always wondered this, what happens to the main stages after you're done using them. Where is Kinetic Cathedral for example. Scrapped for parts? I like to daydream that one day there will be an EDCLand full of all the mainstages A: PasqualeRotella: I have some artifacts in my backyard, there are some in the Insomniac warehouse, and we are looking to make an Insomniac Production Museum.

Q: cu4tro: Do you have any updates on a location for Middlelands? Lots of Texans hope it doesn't leave this state. Being from Texas and going to EDC since 2014, it was amazing to be able to RV camp at an insomniac festival so close to home. It was awesome running into you to personally thank you and welcome you back to TX since Nocturnal in Rockdale. Cant wait for RV camping at EDC! A: PasqualeRotella: We are still searching for the right venue and the plan is to definitely bring it back but not before finding the right place. Glad we crossed paths!

Q: throwaway3921218: What was the first festival you ever attended? A: PasqualeRotella: Grateful Dead show in Southern California with Mama Irene.

Q: king_of_nogainz: Mr. Rotella, my question to you is, have you ever Kandiflipped? A: PasqualeRotella: Yes but I’ve been sober for many years now

Q: wookin: Hey Pasquale, what's going on with the Mexico on sale? Do you have plans to donate to those affected by the earthquake? A: PasqualeRotella: The on sale will be October 16/17 for EDC Mexico and will raise funds for those affected by the earthquake. The same goes for EDC Orlando for those affected by the hurricane. And it doesn’t stop there. All of our major festivals support communities in need.

Q: manny-rr: Hey what is your favorite non insomniac festival and why? If it is burning man, what's your second favorite. A: PasqualeRotella: If you’re not letting me pick Burning Man, then I would say Boom Festival.

Q: aquino661: Would you ever consider throwing an edc inspired cruise? #EdcCruise A: PasqualeRotella: Yea an EDSEA has been considered many times. We will make it happen one of these days.

Q: ZerophoniK: Pasquale, do you play Fantasy Football? If so, who are your top players on your roster? A: PasqualeRotella: I don't play Fantasy Football but I do play Galaga and Donkey Kong

Hey hey hey, so I've seen your lack of Bokutoo art (or haikyuu art in general) and at first I was going to comment on it, but then I saw your art theft post and I hope that won't have too much influence on your haikyuu art? Of corse I'm gonna let you post whatever you'd like to post, I just miss it a lot y'know :0

Well. Okay, I’ve talked about this a lot but I understand people don’t just read all my answers and it’s totally my fault for procrastinating on that faq page so let me just go through this again in an as clear way as possible?

I haven’t stopped drawing for hq! As a matter of fact in the last week alone I have posted one, two and three things for that fandom for a total of five portraits and a three panels comic

That said I understand with the rhythm I update this blog you might think “well, that isn’t much at all, is it?”, which, again, is my fault because - even though when compared to most art blogs’ update schedules eight drawing in one week is more than enough - I’m the one who set the rhythm here

The “problem” with hq is that all my favorite characters are currently absent from the manga and there’s no anime airing, while at the same time my other main fandom (bnha) has both an interesting arc going on in the manga AND an anime season airing right now - I hope you’ll understand if my interest at the moment is mostly focused there, that’s a continuous stream of inspiration I have coming my way

To add to that some parts of the Haikyuu!! fandom are being unrespectful of what I post (this includes reposting, treating my stuff as if it were templates for their own art instead of ship/character specific content, honestly unrespectful comments and tags under a lot of my main ships posts and so on) which, you’ll excuse me, but dampens the joy I get from posting art a lot

Moreover, the creative side of the hq fandom is being, at least for what concerns the zones I frequent, pretty damn quiet lately, so I can’t say I get much inspiration from there either

I haven’t stopped and I can’t see in my foreseeable future myself stopping posting stuff for haikyuu!!, and all things considered I don’t think I’m posting too little for it either? Art and inspiration aren’t things I want to force, if I started I would stop finding drawing enjoyable really damn fast and I can’t let that happen - please be understanding, I first and foremost draw for myself, I can’t help it if sometimes I get stuck on one fandom or another

Anon said: Have you seen the latest chapter of haikyuu? I like how they are showing more Daishou. It’s fun to see his reactions and thoughts about nationals! And I will love to see him in your art style.

Anon, my friend!!! I have drawn Daishou in the past! As a matter of fact the last one was just after he appeared again in chapter 251! I love that snake boy a lot, seeing him there made me really really happy haha

Anon said:SAEKO NEE-SAAAAANNNNNN

SHE WAS AMAZING WASN’T SHE OH MY G O D !!!

Anon said:Kirishima and/or Bakugou being good at singing. And then gay happens.

BOI ANON I have drawn these boys singing to each other a whole lot already (like here or here) at this point I would assume you guys were fed up with it hahaha (… can’t say I won’t ever have them sing to each other again, though)

Anon said:DADZAWA IS SO REAL! But I’m actually so amused because Izuku is basically Ron Swanson with his “I can do what I want” permit except Aizawa wrote and signed the permit

No no anon it’s even better because Aizawa wasn’t like “you can do what you want” he was like “you can do only what I tell you you can do and it just so happens that I’m deciding that you can do exactly what you want to do but it’s still my decison” it was amazing lmao I love Aizawa so much poor man

Anon said:friendo, whats your opinion on the traitor kaminari theory? it breaks my heart but it has a good backbone to it?? like in the new chapter, theres a character that looks like kaminari’s dad/uncle/older family member and im worried for my electric baby

I still don’t think Kaminari is the traitor - as a matter of fact, I still don’t think the traitor is any of the kids. If that’s how it’ll turn out to be I’ll be sad about it, for sure, but right now I really, really don’t believe it. It’s true that the Kaminari-is-the-traitor theory is very cleverly worded and super convincing, but a lot of the things in it are really stretched out as far as I’m concerned

ie, taking the weird faces Horikoshi makes him make in the sketches and using them as proof that he’s got a double face? Too far out for me; his original design being that of a villain? Deku’s original design was villain-ish too, no one is calling him a traitor; taking the expression he made when Aizawa told him he could go to the camp and making it sound like he didn’t want to go? Might be believable as long as you don’t take into account the fact that he had just had a conversation with Midoriya in which he told him it was impossible Aizawa would let them go and that Midoriya was just being too optimistic, the “what the actual fuck is this” expression makes a lot more sense in that context; the fact that he makes clever quotes and uses a complex vocabulary used to say that he’s pretending to be stupid is unfair towards the very real possibility of him just not liking studying or thinking things through analytically but otherwise enjoying reading and being fairly intelligent in his own way?? - in the theory it’s also mentioned that it’s weird how during USJ he was worried about an electricity villain overcharging him as if that’s not perfectly normal, having an electricity quirk obviously doesn’t stop him from suffering overcharges, and later during the end of term exam they say it’s “weird” he refused to go all out with his qurik from the start, again, as if that weren’t a perfectly sensible decision in that context (you have to keep in mind that Kaminari is also studying to become an hero, him going “wait a second, maybe keeping on going stupid and putting myself out of commission every time I fight isn’t the right choice” is perfectly in line with him growing up and learning)

Now I don’t have the post open in front of me and it’s been a while since I’ve read it, but most of the theory as far as I get it is based on the idea that Kaminari can’t be lazy and an airhead and might talk without thinking now and again (the Stain comment), but at the same time be clever in his own ways, which just isn’t convincing for me. It’s taking this character’s three dimensionality and making it a plot-hole, why would you want to do that

(on a similar note, the Kirishima-is-the-traitor theory doesn’t convince me for the same kind of reason, it’s all based on the idea that he can’t just genuinely like Bakugou for who he is without having second reasons for it, which is just unfair and cuts too much off the personality of a really good, well written character)

As far as the new villain guy goes, I understand why most of the fandom might be weary and linking him to Kaminari, but we don’t know his color scheme nor his quirk and the pattern on his hair isn’t even a lightning bolt - Horikoshi has had to make up unique designs for a whole damn lot of characters, the fact that one random guy might have something similar to Kaminari isn’t really enough to make him his dad (again, it might turn out to be true, but in my opinion it’s still too early to make theories about it). Also, this guy is from the Eight Precepts. Weren’t you all trying to link Kaminari to the League of Villains? Isn’t the traitor supposedly tied with the League? How many people is this boy working for even

By the way, during the USJ attack the villains had informations they couldn’t have gotten from any of the kids aside from Midoriya (the “they told me All Might was getting weaker” comment) and tbh that’s enough for me to not believe any of the student is behind the informations leak, but all of this is just my opinion

Anon said:Your thoughts on mob psycho 100??

LOVE IT  one of the best anime I’ve watched lately, without any doubts

Anon said: Being a bokuroo artist? More like drawing art but every time someone says brOTP, you get steadily more annoyed, lol - love your art, btw; you have a really cute and fluffy style

Yyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh… sadly you kind of grow used to it but it is incredibly annoying and one of the reasons why I’ve been drawing it less, t b h

Anon said:I love the concept of the bakubowl because unlike with other characters where everyone’s like “omf they’re so cute!!” the bakubowl is just “why is he like this. why do we ALL like him for this ffs”

WELP I don’t ship Bakugou with everyone so I can’t say I’m fond of the idea as a whole, and the ships I do ship Bakugou in are with the people that actually do like him for whatever reason (lmao), but I can understand why you’d find it a fresh take on the concept! 

Anon said:Ily your art gives me life

AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!!!!! *O*

Questions tag

I was tagged by @belladonna2017 and @amoulaseojoonmadridista and decided to answer all of the questions in this one post. It’s a little late. But that’s keeping with the theme of my life. (Answers under the cut)

My questions:

If you could change one thing about one drama, what would it be?

Who is a popular actor that you can’t seem to get into?

What’s a popular drama that you didn’t like/dropped?

Underrated favourite drama?

An actor/actress you wish would do dramas more often?

A guilty pleasure drama?

What drama would you say has the best ending?

If you could crossover two (or more) dramas, what would they be?

Who is a female character that the fandom hated, but you loved?

What’s your favourite fictional found family?

tagging (no pressure, we all know i’m terrible at doing these tag things): @belladonna2017, @amoulaseojoonmadridista, @saranghaekoreandramas, @islandgirlbabble, @overthinkingkdrama, @theflowergirl, @swordsandparasols, @the-feminine-grotesque, @secondratedramablog as well as anyone who wants to do this! 

Top 5 OSTS?

Should I Say I Love You Again by Kim Dong Ryul (Reply 1994)

Though I Loved You by Kim Kwang Seok (Reply 1994)

(Listen, I like pain okay.)

You Are My Garden by Jeong Eun Ji (Strong Woman Do Bong Soon)

Because of You by Kim Tae Woo (Jealousy Incarnate) 

Flower by Seo In Guk (Tomorrow With You)

Top 5 Actors (males and females)?

Chae Soo Bin

Lee Bo Young

Lee Min Jung

Jo Jung Seok

Jung Kyung Ho

Note: I’m 110% more loyal to my female faves over my males. I can watch just about anything for my lady loves (except rape #still bitter), but if my male faves don’t hook me with the plot/chemistry with their partner, I’ll drop the drama like a hot potato. 

First Girl Crush?

Wow, it’s been a while since I started accumulating these. If I’m remembering correctly, it would have to be Kim Tae Hee. Stairway To Heaven. ‘nuff said. She’s so hot.

First K DRAMA you watched?

Stairway to Heaven, probably? As far as I can remember, anyway.

IF YOU CAN MEET ONLY ONE OF YOUR IDOLS (BIASES) WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

This is probably a bad idea. I’d probably just faint dead away. But if I had to choose: Chae Soo Bin. She’s just so sweet and talented and gorgeous. It’s one of my life’s goals to see her perform onstage.

IF YOU WERE TO RE-WRITE JUST ONE DRAMA WHICH ONE WOULD IT BE?

Reply 1994. Which I’m still currently doing, btw hahaha. It’ll get done this year. Sometime. I’m hoping. Anyways, Sung Na Jeong deserved better, and I won’t have peace until I’ve given her stories that are worthy of her.

Ultimate K DRAMA otp?

Don’t even have to think about this one: Na Jeong/Chilbong (Go Ara/Yoo Yeon Seok) from Reply 1994. Broke my heart into 1000000000000000 pieces and changed the way I watch kdramas. I’ve written essays for these two, I started to write fic seriously for these two. Sung Na Jeong remains one of the greatest loves of my life. I can 100% guarantee you that no one has loved her or thought about her (no matter the ship) the way I have and still do, to this day.

#JusticeForSungNaJeong till the day I die, probably. haters can fight me.

RUNNING MAN OR 2 DAYS 1 NIGHT?

Running Man. I like Yoon Shi Yoon, but there’s no women cast members on that show. And I love Song Ji Hyo in a way I love few others. Also, I just love the main cast’s interactions on Running Man. 

AN ARTIST YOU THINK DESERVES MUCH MORE THAN WHAT THEY ARE GETTING, SOMEONE YOU BELIEVE IN AND YOU WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW AND APPRECIATE?

Jo Bo Ah. Oh my god, she broke me in Flower Boy Band, charmed me in Surplus Princess, and I don’t think I’ve been able to watch her in anything since. I should probably watch Missing Noir M, but I don’t know. I always 

Honourable mention: Im Joo Eun. Holy shit, she’s still playing second lead to idols? Listen, I know female idol actresses get a lot more shit than male idol actors and wrongfully so, since as a class they’re way better than male idol actors. Still, someone with half as much experience as her shouldn’t be booking leading roles ahead of her. Let the actresses do their work, this is their livelihood!!!!!!!

Wow, I didn’t mean to get mad. Sorry.

FINALLY? A DRAMA/A COMEBACK YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2017?

Listen. There’s a jinx. Anytime I think something’s gonna be good, it sucks. Anytime I think something’s gonna be bad, it’s spectacular. So Third Rate My Way is going to be the Worst!!! I’m going to HATE it!!!!!!!!!!! 

Favorite Period Film/s

This is hard, I can’t remember the last time I watched a period film. But I would have to say Atonement (2007) with Kiera Knightley and James McAvoy. If we want to get into dramas, then I’d of course say Rebel: Thief. 

Favorite Web Drama/s

I don’t know if 1% of Something counts as a web drama? I mean it wasn’t on any of the usual drama networks. Anyways, it was sweet and cute and I enjoyed it a lot.

Favorite Short Film/s

I...can’t remember the last time I watched one. Wow, I’m terrible at this lolol. 

Favorite Book-to-Movie Adaptations

From my childhood: Bridge to Terabithia. There’s also the Shadowhunters television series which is actually better than the books.

Drama/Movie where you cried BUCKETS!

Reply 1988 had me sobbing every episode. I’ve gotten really emotional over Rebel, too. And of course, finales make me cry all the damn time. Even Jealousy Incarnate’s lovely end. There’s also the final heartbreaking but super satisfying arc in Tomorrow With You.

Drama/Movie that you looked forward to but disappointed you in the end.

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon. I wanted to love this, I did. But there was just a few too many things wrong with it for me to not drop it. The cute looked cute, and I’m a shipper first and foremost, but if the rest is that bad, I can’t deal with it.

Imagine your bias—what role do you want him/her to have for his/her next Movie/Drama?

Chae Soo Bin in a campus drama, where she plays a recent entrant into the Judicial Research and Training Institute, and is on her way to becoming a high-powered attorney. Shenanigans ensue when she finds herself sharing a house with her fellow trainees.

(This is prompted by Hye Kyung and Joong Won’s frequent trips down memory lane to the good old days of the Judicial Training Institute.)

Imagine your bias—to whom do you want him/her to be partnered with in his/her next Movie/Drama

Listen, I’ll ask for a Go Ara/Yoo Yeon Seok reunion until the day I actually get it. That kind of romantic chemistry should never be wasted. I feel like this is a theme for this entire post haha.

Imagine yourself in a K-Drama story—which one would it be and why?

If I inserted myself into a kdrama story, it’d probably be as an assassin so that I could kill my enemies. In Hwarang: Ah Ro’s shittastic dad. In The Good Wife: Tae Joon. There’s a pretty long list of characters I want to assassinate, so let’s leave it at that.

Favorite Drama/Movie quote/s

“The reason I miss that time and that street isn’t only because I miss my younger self. It is because my parents’ youth, my friends’ youth – the youth of everything I loved was in that place. I regret not bidding a final farewell to the surrounding of my youth that can never be brought back together again. To the things that’ve already gone, to the time I can’t return to… I bid my belated farewell. Goodbye, my youth. Goodbye, Ssangmun-dong”  -- Sung Deok Sun, Reply 1988

I can’t think about that closing scene without getting teary.

Favorite Drama/Movie Trope/s

Does cohabitation count? It’s my favourite thing ever. But otherwise: friends to lovers, enemies to friends to lovers, fake relationship turning real, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. Also mutual pining. 

Thanks so much for tagging me, you two! I had a lot of fun answering these questions, though it’s turned out a bit late. 

i dont know where this went

               was from ne yer a while ago (keep reading ok)                                                       

hard thinking going on tim for some. Today. Of all days last day of 2011. Its bee a year. Not a strange year, a year too. All the things this year that happenend to me, with max, wu=this year is really a with max year. I’m not sure if we got a lot done, but wi=e did do a lot. A lot happened around us, we saw a lot, we saw. Did I see as much as other yearS? That’s a weird question. It’s a weird question to ask comparing years, what are ou comparing? Do I have more now or les,s,? did my balances move around? Tis floor looks like staring into space with all the nebula and gases and stars and comets. Writing stretched out on the floors, writing done stretched out on the floors. On a futon, on a felt pad, straight on the cool linoleum or wood or tile or rug. Like allways I am waiting, I a, not good with the passing of time. outside kids are lighting rockets. Through amsterdam like a war going on, like ive heard or closest ive heard to war sounds, close and near and all over the city explosions sounds reeling and rolling over and back against the brick and windows. Sound carries. The water in the canals carry sound fast and far in circles in the heart of amsterdam it feels right good to be alone, learning to roll a cigarette with privacy, no mistakes just ok learning alls well. Lots of little fires all here in the centerof jordaan on the side streets. Here in my room and outside in the crossing streets. Kids tossing rockets, fireworks, fire crackers under hand down the streets, or throwing brave handfuls into a orange bucket and running away in all directions. Heels hard hitting stone street, fast legs sure. I’m not going to capture the idea of my generation. Hard truth. Not going to find it,  am not rooted anywhere. Maybe going to pick up a thread. I’m just writing about what I’m thinking and incidentaly hearing. I see a lot of inconsequence. I do a lot of inconsequence. I get lost in my stomach parts. I make myself outside fake outside, like a garden wall. Like a tumble of somewhat related ideas, like I imagine I feel something like hunger when noon comes around and correct it rightly like ive heard seen before. Art history means I have a big repository of “like this” and “resembling”. I can’t tell if someone is showering on my floor in my shower, or the floor above, the pipes make it seem so. I am hands clenched looking, grabbing grabbing, bike bell boy crying wailing, hard words in dutch, oncoming car sounds, rockets a few streets over, the water in the pipe. Good to recognize in me, the feeling of waiting, like boredom, like restlessness, like calm unease, with bare dry feet stacked and crossed on floor unsmooth and sandy. With… not “resolve;” but its not resolve, but its… when you realize something and are working towards ok ness. Like I am… I am, like when you look down unseeing and coil back a little, I am, like when you breathe out and look down unseeing at the street or a piece of trash, without noticing, like you are seeing clearly without comment, like you do not respond, like you yield. Like you are in deference, like I am… prostrate, but not that, but not quite like you lost but that you acknowledge, and lose ground, or are resolute, or. Surrender. There is some middle ground between surrender and resolve that im talking about and I mean its like when you come down after a manic, tendon tight bleary rage and you stop lashing with your nails and nose dripping and eyes are no longer tight tight tight closed but you… are  sensible. Not rational is not even, but ok, but resolved to the fact. When you resigned to the fact. Like i

relax to the idea. Un curl. Relax in alone now. Like you understand. Like you KNOW. like I can’t control the minute details, or get caught up in them, I have to undo, let go, let GO. Let allowed, let some things pass allowed and ok and approved. Let some things not be mine for me or from me, and not of me and of me. There is some cowardice in this lack. Some thing that I don’t know I have to trust I can learn. I can and should trust myself too, I can do these things, they are well within my ability. I should know that I can accomplish these things and understand their costs. But now I write and I have an above narrative going on saying: Look! A person grapples with their frustration at the lack of accomplishments in their lives on the last day of the year! Look, and imagine myself ten years on, laughing at myself, laughing at what I thought at the time was important and big and good, and I realize that I am very cruel. Very, deep rooted in the bone cruel. That I imagine in the future I will be cruel. And that my eye is so cruel that I will never be able to close it in self-satisfaction and approval, but instead always look beyond and look for more, and better, and more right, and perfect, and improved. And How is it done Otherwise, Elsewhere, and those ways I can see merit in their difference, and I have been taught to always surrender the fort I built under my values and to desert for the other, in order to steal and steal and steal or wriggle belly up like a dog under someones hand. These things are so meager. That I have out on the cloth… here with these I can offer meticulous piecing together, I am good at finding connections between things, but I am good at it like a virus, which seeds things and breaks them apart from the inside, with nothing and no body of my own to tend. When I have such a distate, I can’t tell, my taste otherwise is nothing but submissive. I’m here writing about myself and outside boys are yelling, laughing and silenced in rhythm, hissing fuses and bratty snaps of small fire crackers and the vague dumb, unpreventable wash of terror I get when the big rockets fire and my heart stops and the car alarms whine in response. Like I can’t and don’t have a grasp on the order of things, yes I should go out and I do like it, when I walk and walk and see the water moving under lights, and the city quiet in the evening, and all the familiar feeling of the brick houses stacked and bright yellow windows from within. Walking past the rank exhale of the cheese shop, and the bookstore of artists books all brave and curious and otherworldly, and the clothes which preoccupy me with the wrongness of their shapes, the wrongness of the cut and stitch, and the evocation all wrong, not direct enough, and too self concious, like the world theyre evoking is too empty alone, and I looked there for the fullest world and of course didn’t find it. I was surprised I didn’t find it, in all the visibility it seemed as if it would even appear the fullest world. Preoccupy with how the world should LOOK. These are not even the biggest thoughts, but I don’t give them the attention in order to draw them out with resolve, acknowledging that my thinking process is slow and labourious with extraneous detail and related tangents, and the constant flip of arguments needling each other for bruises. I realize now that when I don’t have a problem to work out I’m no good. that’s a good realization maybe it’s a good realization to tell other people? It feels good to tell other people things, like  you are gaining ground. And traction. I imagine a huge wheel, like a tire with deep treads. I wouldn’t say a cog, because a cog is maybe with teeth attached and can fit into with ease, it has a DESIGN, purpose, it WORKS. But a tire gets stuck and sometimes the roads are easy and sometimes puddly and slippery and the tire gets old and is unfit or unused and sits around with the television on and no where to go. I could sit here for weeks, opening and closing the window for air and against cold, getting up for the chair or stretching out across the felt pad on the floor. Until a problem comes up, like cold or lack of air, or a simple stomach problem, the kinds that have preoccupied me for years, for a decade. The simple stomach problem—has so many components I haven’t been able to put it down yet. First- it hurts, and the hurt is fundamentally intolerable, the cells are starving and wanting, and I have to give them time and what they need, and so. That’s the very first problem, but getting that problem solved requires time, and knowledge, and craft—you can also use this problem efficiently, and accomplish many diverse things when you solve this problem. You can solve it so that you also experience pleasure—this pleasure itself has many dimensions. You have the pleasure first and foremost of the cessation of the pain, and then the pleasure of change for your tongue, and this pleasure of change is also the pleasure first of instinct for sweet, at its most basic, but this instinct for sweet itself you can’t find because its wrapped and tangled and embedded deeply in the evocation of memories, and food is intertwined and tainted and fragranced and redolent of every conversation over food, and the people you sat with, and these are only your own memories, because also you can evoke imagination and cultural memory, and you feel like a participant in culture, yours or otherwise, and history rises up dark and formless when you tear and fill your mouth, and chew and swallow. These can be exercises in self affirmation, when you recount the taste of being young, and waking up early before school, and y fitting so well in your head with other suburban feelings, like biking alone or fishing for dozens of starving bass in the fake lake with your dog. You can easily and assuredly conjure up other family feelings, anyone you’ve shared a meal with—taste complicated by unstable evaluative structures—canned things become best when you need to remember something about your grandmas house in salt lake city, when you need to remember running down the “creek” with its fake blue water (“poison”) and resulting pastel, baby, candy blue fountains. The shape of the rocks they cart in to the line the bottom, homeless rocks, and the ducks died blue underneath from the water, and the dry prick of pine needles everywhere. Brushing your hair with pine needles. Tiny black and white televisions. Basements with never working fire places. Mancala, nintendo on tweed couches. Every book you ever read. Pop corn and chewed plastic toys from 70s 80s and 90s. And all the tastes you associate with girls you’ve loved: coffee, and roasted things, and cigarettes. Wading through all these is organizational torture, anxiety of putting things away, like I’ll never remember them if I don’t relive them three times a day, like its something I owe the people and the times. But also of course, these things involve more than reference—there are moral qualities. The shallow, deep rutted moral arguments over caring about the world, and preventing pain in animals, these also have memory aspects, like being 14 and being courageously vegetarian. Like remembering the people that carefully and gently made food choices in front of me, or carelessly, violently chose them in front of me. There is the food that made everyday life in the books I read, and if there was the life I wanted, I could make a similar choice, and imagine myself there, like scones tasting like the things in the hobbit books, or taffy my grandma made to remind me of the pioneers. A hundred thousand layers. And then finally, the over reaching—the health, which is a knowledge that for me is wrapped horribly in memories and morals, health which costs uncertain futures and has ulterior motives—the anxieties of others pressing hard onto me for assurance and approval, my anxieties bubbling out and over or pressing, bursting out to wash over other peoples tables. The health which for me is code word for starving, which for me meant exhaustion that eliminated day and night, and meant wrapping in tired, flannel and hair falling and freezing, and lips pursed, watching horribly out of the window in summer or reading coverless books in winter. Lots of sneaking and secrecy, and violence and strangeness when appetite became focus, and frustration and hard violence. Giving in and giving became very much exactly the same here probably. It required a lot of time but gave results that I enjoyed—visual intrigue, accomplishment, unashamed self obsession, unchecked self obsession, a problem that required total and constant attention and also total and constant ignorance. It entirely eluded anyones description of it, including mine, and this was a knowledge I enjoyed secretly, that no matter what anyone applied to the problem I knew they were wrong excepting me. That I could neatly situated the parameters of this problem within the bounds that others would not acknowledge, and the size and consequence of this problem were entirely mine to decide, and entirely mine to decide were the consequences of this problem, and the cost, and entirely mine to decide were the results. This is very appealing. I could make of what I want the results, as long as I didn’t tell anyone how much I valued them, I could get away without any exhausting confrontations. Of course a problem which requires entire dedication and whose results are so contrary and contradictory is not a sustainable problem, also, I did have a self outside that problem, which could not be reconciled, thank god. That self even if it was only a vanity let me the chance to develop new problems and focus on new problems, as the problem at hand was not the right problem for me, I could understand. And I remember understanding this as I sat in the middle seat of the car, driving back from the mountains with my parents and family, with my ankles stretched out in front of me, my ankles I think, in black stockings, as only thin thin rods of tired bone that I truly felt sorry for. I felt some compassion for them, and I apologized to them. I promised them I would let them become healthier, which is something they take care of themselves if you let them. But I never gave up the problem, really, because it was the only problem I’d ever put my heart and soul into, the only problem strong enough that I believed in enough to let other things go and to “sacrifice” I guess things for. I see now this problem has itself obvious problems. But now my stomach calls and I must listen to it, in order to put it away and get back to this, right now this is an important problem. The problem with this problem is that it has no consequences. I won’t say “in reality,” but I will say, pragmatically. It cannot be an ultimate problem, anymore. I am too big for it to be a driving, ultimate problem. There are more valuable things than it. It must become a lesser problem, a step in a bigger problem, and just a small step in a much bigger problem. In order for it to become an ultimate problem, I would have to deepen it and sophisticate it until it itself became justifiable. This is not worth it to me, what it would cost. There are other things that exist that are more interesting to me, other people, other creations. The result, creation, consequence of this problem is not enough for me. What is enough for me? Things that are approved by others automatically feel like they are worth more—the mystery of -the brooding stoners of amsterdam, max says- bacxk after distrtractions

you know, nicole, its not in any of those things. You know its not in just sitting and the window, though sometimes it feels like it. Its not in lighting the cigarettes or putting them out, or in lighting the rockets, putting them out. Its not in going to the grocery store and buying things, or buying books, even if it feel slike it it is sometimes. Its not in lighting the stove and putting it out. Or in lighting your stomach and putting it out. Somes it feels like its in diane cluck, though its not in lighting diane cluck and putting it out, or bob dylan, lighting blonde on blonde and putting it out. Or lighting your body and putting it out, lighting the screen and putting it out, open your mouth and lighting the words and then closing it and putting them out lighting your fingers and then resting them and lighting a fist and then unrolling it out flat again. All these things out into the air and back into inside the room again. On and upwards and then back, down and out. fire fire fire fire fire now in the room and then out again for sleeping and the room getting colder until morning, like a fire comes roaring in at half-light here I am, again here I am oh my delight came out like a hawk, balled up in the morning so in the light what colors, I don’t how I should call them say someone said to die daily, die daily implies being born daily

all in my head a pheonix and doves fly out in the morning out in the day now what bird dogs suss me out in the fields, yo up from the grounds how I hear them snapping up at my heels, yo hot on my head, what light makes the heat makes the fire makes the ashes oh, I thought I was dead a pheonix and doves fly out in the morning say someone said to die daily die daily implies being born daily up in my head a pheonix and doves fly a pheonix and doves fly out a pheonix and doves fly out a pheonix and doves fly out when I learn from you, I am copying and learning by copying when I learn from you I am learning through mimicry and the rockets and love outside makes my heart jump and burrow blind, terrified in the nonlight this afternoons room with the quick flashes really a war on me and this room think about your wild deer tumbling out from the woods to drink the water you count twenty seven or so, I know how it goes. Drinking the bay from beneath your boat. Now that you’ve calmed down, your heart beats so steady I could set my watch by it. If only I could always stay like this with the bath water over my head bubbles going upwards marking where upwards is. That the water never poured in where it shouldn’t or over the rim, and never getting colder and unfriendly but always this felt pad beneath me on the floor and the rockets would stay always on the other side of the window. but I know it took you a while to learn the guitar, and it hurt your fingers probably, and I know you thought about the problems of food, because you have big bowls of blue plums in your pictures and your skin is tight and nervous. I know you so well in these parts there now me too and I recall them, I light them and put them out like they were mine alone. I am not afraid of being by myself, only what I do when I am by myself is scary to me. Whether I am alone by myself I don’t know if I am, because it is hard to curl back up, brush the sand out and curl right up. What else is there to do but set your sight on something and pull your tangles through. I would have gone crooked but for you , I hope I can say I would have gone crooked but. Hey you feel steady and you feel good, light and empty of last nights food. When you are ready to go up from  the edge of the turn around road. Mandalas or pendulas or pentacles at the end of the road where you sit in the morning. The weeks have been hazy but some thing is changing. Well, it makes sense to me. Because things are easier to recall when you give them support with sound, when you round them out, and rhymes too-I love them. They foreshadow with all earnestness and promise and fullness, and the future becomes contained so profoundly in tricky syllables thank god for all of you, and all of your words I can remember because they run long and loud in my head while I walk or cook or piss or shower or cry or sleep. And thank god they are so generous and flexible and fit here in amsterdam, with the rockets going off all outside in the street and the keys of the neighbors just as loud passing my door without pause in the stairway. Do you like me, or not? Do you like me… or not? Hey, do you like me or not? we leave with the first ones who befriend us and holy holy holy shit, when you lift them high and clear with your good voice I just

sob out all breaths This really isn’t about telling a story right now just letting myself know. This is hey, holy hey last day of a year of my life, turning tonight. Turning on its heels and running in another direction, hopefully hitting stride and covering distance at an easy lope. My legs aren’t long enough for an easy lope this is a falseness I just hate like, I can imagine, those, first muddy steps ugly fuck with my stern and stupid cruelty why, not an

easy hand with lifting and eyes forwardand lips closed or running over and over your thank god lines over, over over in rhythm focus on the problem you grew yourself or was grown for you and give myself whole heartedly with yes yes I am yes yes yes I do yes you get no more chances you get every chance, , drop all and hit running, and fly away at a sprint and push and push, just gowill love it, you will love it, you love it, its trueand hey you are good at hiding if for a while you are nervous about reactions, you can untie your necklace chains pretty well with care and dexterity and let it go, just let it fucking go, let it roll out in the daylight and into the evening his her she, a them, whole family watching it disbelief, and with half an eye on theirselves and only a bit on you,just go on it, if you must don’t worry about color just edit it’s thethat makes it good and full can do the necessary preperations, in order to go on it, care less what others are doing, except those you care truly for, and if so give to them fully and totally, and yourself too, and those things you love more, them in totality, you can live inward so, its your way always since childhood, just, mostly and bestly when you let it be and work well in your own perimeters, unusual if you make a hundred things before you look up that’s ok to, you look up to see the place of your things around you and for fucks sake, write, and do it fully and honestly,words and yours and anyone elses, that you can do truly all these just this once you need them, for a go, trust, your own fucking words you distrusting do you see how free the body moves, the bones inside the skin are loose. Its for you to live submerged often, and  are so, lucky, give yourself wholeheartedly, to everything that wants you and everything you are. for late night, early morning  when only your things are before you lucky lucky, you he gets that first sense, which runs along your skin, you get alone and together and strong, you lucky, which leads you lips first, eyes first, fingers first into long hours late at night, when no one can know better, you can only know, there is no know better, there is just knowing, and letting it wash so gently over you and you get that sharp yield, full yield, you so lucky to have been baptized, get the whole life metaphor, which trapped in your wet eight year old skin you carry always water with you and when you walk over it it leaves you ringing and the rain can send you ringing with the bells through it german nights or the canals smoky to the bottom send you ringing lucky lucky be alone and only with one other, very lucky, and it hurts to turn things off and put them out but everything can’t be burning low, but better one thing a pyre burning high high high throw things on it, throw other thngs on it, throw everything on it and throw your self on it eyes smoke bleary and screaming love wholeheartedly, and love your own  wholeheartedly, and knew this when you found out this word yourself, and with yourself salvage savage what you can and build and head out and run headlong out at a fucking sprint, those things you love love truly, love with curoisity, affirm all she gets is a row of fires, burn a path through the brush and not just a wide erratic sweep you me

this now so what then now you love words and lines, and when people put them together well, talk with intention, treat yourself and your very fewwith care ultimately and so do it be gentle with awkwardness like now New years resolutions be generous be forgiving be kind be judicious be empty more often be full more often and really respect your  gently,  such limited  fling all out without rule but rule come too for to come so now, draw  you that speculation above all, and things which resonate to others you love, so really you love two things the lines and the words that resonate with others, so, these backdrops that come in and are here with us that we use to make new things. The leisure things that are accomplished with ideas you were jealous when others made, but you were jealous of them letting themselves make. And you very much see and love the need for holding up, above others the things that work and feel good, and don’t hurt, but push forward or push out in all directions. You can be revolutionary with careful care too and attentionyou will know when some things were right and some things weren’t and the things you care about need to be fought and fought and fought for, namely, those things that maybe are not now but have existed and fought for before, and find where people are fighting for those similar things and love them whole heartedly amen amen amen throw the windows wide and call amen amen amen

Headbangers Con Survival Guide

What’s shakin folks? Anthony here again with another killer review coming to you from the FIRST EVER HEADBANGERS CON. Did you say Con? Yes, that is not a misprint. On the evening of November 9th Chris 51 and his crew of metal heads hit the Bossanova Ballroom with one thing on their minds…..METAL. Not only was it successful, but this guy is still feeling the high of being in a room with so many great musicians and people. Never in my existence did I ever think idbe chatting with some of the industry’s leading musicians and some of the greats as well. People like David Ellefson, Dirk Verbeuren from MEGADEATH! Aaron Patrick from All That Remains, Carla & Heidi of the Butcher Babies, Morgan Rose of Sevendust, Corey Glover from Living Color and of course we can not forget our gracious host Chris 51.

 You know though for my first time having the pleasure to doing an event like this it went amazingly well. So as the night started to wind down we got a performance from the one and ONLY STRYPER! Man, these guys can still kick a beat and hold their own. Tonight, will always be one of the greatest nights of my life. One of my favorite moments about tonight. I look over in the corner because I was looking around for shots and photo ops, and I noticed Dirk Verbeuren with his head down and drawing on something, so I wanted to be nosy and walked over and started talking to this lovely young woman named Elizabeth Engel from a non-profit organization called RYFO. They help struggling musicians. She had asked Dirk to draw her a T-Shirt design for her organization and he didn’t even hesitate and did it on the spot. That totally blew me away, here he is supposed to be partaking on the festivities but decides to help this organization out. I got fucking goose bumps. Don’t believe me see the pics. Dirk again you are a hell of a drummer and human being, thank you. But I also believe that tonight I was apart of METAL HISTORY! When im wheeling my old ass in a wheelchair going to the 25th annual Headbangers con and its my 25th then I will reference this article and I will rest my case! so tonight I say good day and ill have more tomorrow

Sometimes you can’t help but be a bit giddy. Start to ask yourself who are you going to meet today? What am I going to do? First I’m going to sit in and hear some stories from Eddie Ojeda of Twisted Sister. Did you know that when Twisted Sister first got signed not only were they signed to a UK label, but people thought they were from Europe? Wow, I had no idea. Also, Eddie has a line of Twisted Hot Sauces, that are amazing, so I bought three. I walked around and went over to the exhibit hall to check out the merch booths.  Then I went back for the Butcher Babies Heidi and Carla. I bet you didn’t know that one of Heidi’s influences is Slipknot well specifically Corey Taylor and her favorite song is the New National Fucking Anthem SURFACING!!! One of my personal favorites as well. Then Carla is a grief counselor and she is a big fan of the immortal PANTERA! As the day wrapped up from elbowing with Rock Gods, Chris 51 had some special entertainment planned. Hyro The Hero and Soil. To be honest I think Portland is still ringing from that show. As you go to a Con or an event that spans over a couple days you can’t help but wonder what you missed or what you lucked out of. Between panels and signing’s, it can be overwhelming. So, I suggest you find a map or the list of events and plan your weekend. Sunday was here and well I didn’t want it to end, its like that favorite moment that you want to live over and over again. Today I was going to sit in on the Burton C Bell panel well because I like Fear Factory. Jose Mangin our host took the stage. I learned a lot about Burton and Fear Factory. Did you know that their name was taken from a Demo tape they got in Europe? One of their first gigs was in a back yard and Dino kept getting shocked because they weren’t grounded properly. Then we sang Happy Birthday to the one and only David Ellefson. As the day closes and the con is packing up you can’t help but feel saddened and a bit down. So, I got to get a book signed by David Ellefson, and I got a post card signed by Derek Riggs the creator of Iron Maiden’s Eddie. Plus, I don’t know if you all know this, but I am a huge star wars nut and bought a really cool book. I wanted to also see what some of these great artists had to say about headbangers con.

Carla Harvey (Butcher Babies)

EE: Just out of curiosity would you do another Headbangers Con

Carla: Oh of course its been a blast it’s very impressive for the first year for the first Head Bangers Con. I think these kind of things should be a staple everywhere around the country don’t you?

EE: I totally agree

EE: Now, would you change anything?

Carla: Would I change anything, I think this is a great example of what a Head Bangers con should be. There’s nothing that I would change, really nothing. There are so many great people here, the fans have all been awesome and the vendors as well. Maybe have them all in one room so we don’t have to walk around as much.

EE: Was it overwhelming to be in the room with so many of the greats like Burton C Bell, David Ellefson?

Carla: WE have been lucky enough to be in the business for over a decade now and a lot of these people we idolized in our youth have become friends over the years, this is more like a family reunion than anything.

EE: Now I have one important question for you sir, would you attend another Head Bangers Con?  (Ron Keel)

RK: I would do it in a heartbeat this has been a fantastic event I’m really glad to be apart of it, and um we have made some new friends seen some old friends and just keep this thing going if Chris Fitty One wants me back for Con number 2 ill be there!

EE: Are you having a good time?

RK: I am absolutely having a blast loving the Rock Star treatment. And a great event for the fans and artists as well!

Nathan Hunt (Shamans Harvest)

EE: how are you doing this morning?

NH: Well I need a lot of coffee especially after last night….

EE: I bet its been a wild weekend.

EE: So the major question is would you do another Head Bangers Con?

NH: Fuck yeah!

EE: Tell me a little bit about your experience this weekend?

NH: Anytime your around like-minded people you know that passion for music it’s always going to be a good weekend.

EE: does it feel like a family reunion?

NH: yes its definitely got that family reunion vibe we all got fucked up Friday, and I chilled yesterday and ordered pizza.

EE: Are you having a good time?

NH: Most definitely I am, learning a lot of shit, with Jose on the stage grinding away.

Davey Grahs (POP EVIL)

EE: The million dollar question is, would you be apart of another Head Bangers Con?

DG: OH Hell yeah, hell yeah this has been great!

EE: What is your thoughts on the concept of having a con for metal heads like us?

DG: I love it I don’t know why we haven’t had anything like this before or sooner

EE: What’s next for Pop Evil

DG: well we have a Canadian tour kicking off next week, then a US run and end it in Europe.

Dirk Verbeuren (MEGADEATH)

EE: Curious, would you be apart of another Head Bangers Con?

DV: absolutely I would this has been a total blast, and ah I think it will only get better since this is the first edition after all.

EE: Where do you think the next location will be?

DV: I am rooting for Los Angeles because it is closer to my house and I like sleeping in my own bed. Lol no I think L.A would be a be a better place because there are a lot of conventions there and its very busy there is a lot of people in the metal scene that would definitely dig things like this so.

Jose Mangin (Sirius Xm Radio)

EE: So Would you be involved with another Head Bangers Con?

JM: Oh My God of course that is a no brainer, I would never miss something that’s as cool as a gathering of us metal fans and  to able to help be a leader for it, a voice for it, it’s an honor to be here. If I saw one dude wearing a metal shirt that’s all I need, but I see a ton of people with big hearts for metal ill never miss this again.

EE: You have done panels for the last two days, right at this moment what is your favorite so far?

JM: I mean dude, Megadeath is one of my all time favorite bands and just always talking to someone of his stature (David Ellefson) it freaks me out because I have been such a long time fan.

EE: Do you still get the giggles when you do interviews?

JM: Always , Always I never take this job, this position this life I have for granted it’s a huge responsibility. But First and foremost I am a FAN.

EE: One last question What would you tell Chris 51 right now?

JM: Dude, I would say thank you for getting all of us head bangers together. Thank you and lets do it again!

Corey Glover (Living Color)

EE: Would you do another Con like this?

CG: Absolutely in a heartbeat I would do it tomorrow, yeah this is fun this is great.

EE: Do you think this is going to open bigger doors and open people’s eyes?

CG: I do I think that as a band, to connect to your audience and the people who appreciate what you do is hard to do at a show, if your really working you only have about a half an hour to meet and greet your fans but its only hi and that’s it. This I get you talk to people all day and that we don’t get to do on a daily basis. Plus the fans can ask specific questions that you don’t get the opportunity to ask at a meet and greet. It like what kind of pick are you using why did you do this instead of that. That is when I feel more connected to my fans.

Burton C Bell (Fear Factory)

EE: Would you do another metal Con and Why

BB: Yes and because its FUCKING FUN AS HELL!

EE: is there anything that really stood out for you this weekend?

BB: Umm just the Family vibe

EE: I have been hearing that a lot from people

BB: and that’s what this is it’s a celebration of the genre intrinsically even if you are a musician or not.

Then I got to see the new Fear Factory album cover…. He hehe…..

This last weekend was not only the time of my life but I have to say very eye-opening. From all the Vendors like The Star Wars Store, Rogue Toys, Period Panties, Terasyne Amps, ROCKSTAR clothing, Morbid Empire, Metal Yoga, Paradise Harley Davidson, Rose City Vapors, and all the tattoo artists. I can’t forget to mention Toxic Zombie, Cryptamnesia, M.I.R.P,  YesterdazeNews Bob Williams Photography you my friend my hats off. You all made me feel very welcome into the fold and I can not wait to shoot side by side and work with you all again. Plus Jose Mangin from Sirius Xm Radio. Brother never lose that passion, I love listening to you on the radio and enjoyed watching you on stage during the panels.

This weekend couldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for the great works by Chris 51 and Morgan Rose. You two started a domino effect that will hopefully last for generations. You gave the metal fans a place where we can be as one and feel like we are family.

Chris and Morgan, I personally can not thank you enough for showing this world what metal is and is always going to be. I am anxiously waiting for the news of the next one.

So guys that’s all I am going to say, if you missed out on all the wonderful panels, and your favorite artists. I am truly sorry you missed a HEAD BANGING WEEKEND!!

Thanks again for reading and enjoying what I had to say

  Remember Keep it real and keep it METAL!

I’ll catch you on the flipside!

HeadBangers Con Portland 2018 Review Headbangers Con Survival Guide What’s shakin folks? Anthony here again with another killer review coming to you from the FIRST EVER HEADBANGERS CON.

Manifesto(es)

I’ve got a multiplicity of ideas about what I want this blog to reflect and record. The ideas which I’m hoping to put down aren’t solid. Even as I’m starting to channel this manic burst of inspiration (thank you late afternoon coffee paired with IMing Jennifer Taylor for madcap blog title ideas) into an introductory post, I’m getting distracted by my Dad arriving home from working at his friend Geoff’s and wanting me to talk to him and help him pick raspberries from the garden, on this very grey afternoon. So all I can do is to tell you now about how I feel today, and what I want this to become. And why I’m nervous and finding this so hard to compose.

I’ve got brain cancer, and it can’t be operated on. And that’s the first and biggest fact I am going to reveal about myself. The shadow on the scans creeps over my whole life, and it chokes all of the ideas that I have and checks my ambition. It stunts the growth of the flowers of poetry. It comes knocking at my doors and my windows insistently, carrying an insidious bouquet of chronic fatigue. Today it’s a mild headache, a compulsion to sleep. I don’t know where my illness is going to take me, or stop me from going. It is from a sense of confusion and flux that this blog will begin to take shape.

The beginning of this blog came from a few different places. Firstly, I guess, there’s the fact of my new feeling of impermanence. For a while, I really did feel like I could just die at any time. And although I’m still more aware of being weaker than I was, I have begun to rationalise this idea of frailty against comforting ideas (although bear with me, because they are very morbid…)

Every day, we do things that have a risk factor just to survive. And that’s why although I can accept that I have cancer and that as a result I get more tired more easily and I struggle with big gaps in my memory and concentration, I refuse to accept that I am closer to death than anyone else. I’m simply not. I’m sick, yes, I’m maybe a little weak, yes, but I’m also just as likely as you to get hit by a car or choke on my next (illicit, sorry Slimming World!) chocolate biscuit or even trip and fall in the canal. So I’m going to do it. I’m lighting a fire under my own arse and committing a gross act of creation, I’m going to indecently expose my innermost thoughts to the world. And I’m going to do it in a way which reflects the hormonal rollercoaster of emotions which has definitely sped up recently, but has really always been a part of ‘Jennifer Louise Smith,’ as my long suffering friends and family can attest.

Lovely Siân of the City Hospital Teenage Cancer ward is responsible for this particularly madcap and infuriating mode of self expression. She began the whole thing by giving me a scrap book early on in the phase when I was first beginning to gain an awareness of what was happening to me. I made a lot of progress early on, but as I began to get busier, this format began to suit me less because firstly I was filling up my days by leaving the house, and secondly I was becoming more self aware and self critical. Quite often I find my artistic skills lacking. However, I’m hoping that the early style I was developing which was really mixed media and responsive can continue, because my artistic inspiration really does come from all sorts of sources less obvious than just the books that I read and my day to day life.

That’s the other reason behind the mixed up format I’m hoping to embrace. Around the time when I first received this scrapbook (which I hopefully titled ‘I AM MORE THAN MY ASTROCYTOMA’, which became darkly funny because I was later re-diagnosed with Multifocal Glioma….multi….as in there is ‘more’ than an astrocytoma…) I was still really struggling from the most surreal aspects of the tumour and associated raised pressure inside my skull. I was having big memory blanks, some of which I still haven’t been able to re-obtain (something which frustrates me, and is part of the reason I’m constantly writing down every scrappy idea that paddles through my brain) and I was also having some slightly trippy and surreal experiences. Those issues have mostly resolved themselves and I’m much more acquainted with the here and the now and the rational and the solid. But I feel in some way the strangeness of those experiences is something that I really won’t ever be able to forget, and that the experience of losing parts of me has changed something essential about me.

For a long time, I couldn’t have concentrated for the extended periods of time that any type of blogging would recquire. Let’s call this my goldfish phase…due to the problems I was having just with every day life, I was referred to a wonderful occupational therapist called Zandra, who has really helped me to look at methods to improve my life not only in terms of getting back to work but really at helping me be at one with my personal circumstances once again. It’s hard to hold onto anything in a concrete way when you can’t even remember what you’re doing as you walk from one room to another. Perhaps I’ll include some of the things which Zandra encouraged me with – one of the first being these big sort of day planners that my Dad was writing for me around Christmas 2016. These planners/journals were a way to check and record myself and try and replace my memory. It’s from these early ‘diaries’ that new ideas developed.

Zandra also really pushed me to think about the future. The way that this episode has positioned itself in my life is beautifully ironic (though not to all parties involved, just to me, Miss Morbid.) My most dramatic symptoms coincided with the end of my time at Sussex University, and my collapse and first admittance into hospital happened as I was undertaking a liberation graduation Eurotrip with my American friend Amanda. So all of this happened just as I was about to leave education, as I was about to become a fully fledged adult and begin to experience life for myself. I wanted to make concrete roots and career successes. I hoped for boyfriends and travel and excitement.

It’s difficult not to sound dramatic when I touch upon how these things aren’t accessible to me now, like they felt that summer in Amsterdam and Berlin with Amanda.

Still, maybe this could be the start of a new future. And if it isn’t, it still feels wonderful to begin to re-organise my thoughts in a way that other people can understand.

I’d hoped to be a teacher some day, but I just don’t have the ability at the present moment to be reliable. Due to my medical issues I wouldn’t be allowed to learn to drive. I feel for the same reason that perhaps I would no longer be able to take responsibility for a class and teach. So when I was finally coming back to myself and Zandra was helping me come up with goals, I had to refigure. Because I am not the same girl who was travelling with Amanda. I’ve shared a lot of experiences with that previous Jenny, but she doesn’t know me anymore. What I know now is that some parts of me are fragile but simultaneously resilient. And I have interesting and insightful things to tell people because of what has happened to me, but I also still have a lot to learn.

If I’m not going to be able to teach, maybe then I can pursue less practical career paths without feeling like I am being selfish and not giving back to society. Perhaps the most generous thing I can do now is to recover as best as possible in order to bring peace of mind to the people who care about me most. In a lot of ways this entire work will be dedicated to my family and all of the things they have always done for me. My mother in particular – I just CANNOT express how grateful I am. Even if I was to fill a library with the word ‘Thank-you’ it couldn’t begin to tell you how thankful I am for my family and my friends and everyone else (medics and counsellors and members of the public) who have all contrived to create a new niche to cradle me in and help cushion my return to lucidity.

So although I feel my oxymoronic noble-selfish wish to teach (selfish because it allows me to remain in academia) I also know that I’m probably not currently reliable enough to take on students – a student-teacher relationship is one where the tutor must be available to the student first and foremost, and I feel that a lot of the time I’m just not mentally THERE. This has left me a fish out of water – where do I go from here? I’ve also lost the ability to travel the world independently, which was another huge motivation and a dream for the future. Yet while my world is shrinking, I’m also feeling the strangest kind of zoom effect. Everything seems to carry more significance and beauty than it did before. Sometimes I feel like a receptor for nature. Other times I feel like a lump, and an undeserving one at that, because I don’t really contribute anything to society at this moment in time.

One of my strongest convictions is that creating optimism and drive in your immediate life moves outwards from you like the rings created by dropping a stone in water. This butterfly effect is all I can have for now, so I may as well take all of my frustration and devastation and turn it into something. Anything at all! Its better that I’m sat here expressing this big lump which sits between my heart and my throat than just letting it catch every time I sit about listening to other people rather than speaking my mind.

A lot of the time, that mental voice is just screaming YOU HAVE CANCER YOU ARE DYING over and over again. It’s not a thing that’s easy to ignore, but it’s something I have to put into its box and just let it stew. I can’t look that thought in the eye.

So much has become unreal recently that I find it difficult to explain simply to anyone what it is exactly that I’m feeling. I’m going to put a positive spin on it for the purposes of this blog post, however, and just say that although I can feel my limits, and they never go away, I also feel liberated in other respects because something as simple as getting out of bed and getting dressed has become a victory. I can be proud of myself for not giving in. And in that way I’m hoping to use this adventure in journaling as a way to celebrate all of the interesting outcomes of a really cruddy situation.

Yes, my writing makes me cringe. And I’m already critiquing myself and second guessing every single word choice that I’m making. And I do intend to edit and refine the work that I create and publish on this blog. However, I also want to show resilience and ambition. Being so physically weak has helped reinforce how much I really do love reading books and how much I’d love to continue to study. I keep getting this idea that I could succeed in a creative writing course. Perhaps this will be the very first chapter of that narrative.

I don’t want to give up anything more. I’ve given up enough already.

The use of this format, the blog, is a substitute for an ideal format that I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past few months. I’ve been struggling to describe exactly what I want this to look like and show, but I haven’t generated all of the content I’d want to be contained within it. So this is all a work in progress. That’s part of the reason I’m calling this post ‘Manifesto(es)’ – like an avant garde artist I want to set out to explain to you what exactly it is I want to show you, because I’m not yet certain how I’m going to execute it, and I may even need your help to make it possible.

I can’t get the idea of the spider’s web out of my mind. Having such pervasive cognitive issues, these big gaps and misty confusions, I spend a lot of my day trying to re-create arcs of thought which have occurred, bursting into life then fading back into the general miasma of my brain. The only way I can think of to describe the way my brain feels is to picture that old secondary school technique, the mind map (or sometimes known as a brainstorm). By linking ideas, memories, pictures, photographs, messages and factual information, I can mimic the paths which my thoughts have taken, and use them to build new ideas and create a new memory artificially. For a very long time now I’ve been keeping notes of all sorts of abstract ideas on paper, on my phone, but now I’m becoming engaged with society again I need to be able to explain them to people, to make this ‘second brain’ a physical thing that I can access. It’s a sketch of my brain. I wish I could sketch it, perhaps using a computer programme to make it interactive? However, I don’t yet have the skills. My solution in the meanwhile is to use the popular medium of the hash tag at the same time as the standard chronological blog format. In this way, I can keep a diary which is multimedia, which chronicles my recovery, which allows me to edit and curate what other people can see and will also help me develop. Because perhaps, if I can become more confident in my ability to express what my brain is trying so desperately to make known, I can recover myself.

Because that is what’s breaking my heart about my illness. It feels like the border between me and the rest of the world has been damaged. Nobody else quite gets me anymore. I’m me, I’m vivacious and silly and embarrassing...but I’m also this fragile brain damaged train wreck. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost so much, sometimes it feels more like I’ve learned from this experience. But always, it feels insular and lonely inside my skull. And even this, thinking about my thinking, is cathartic. And I’m hoping that eventually this blog can help me feel like Jenny Smith again.

Manifesto{es} is an unashamedly pretentious title for an early blog post, but I’m hoping to keep writing new variations on these explanations, and keep adding to these ideas. And I’m also going to add hash tags to the blogs I write in order to show the secondary methods of sorting and linking the ideas in my brain. Over time, I’m hoping this will create a structure to model the way my mind works and perhaps to solidify the changeable. However, only hard work and time will allow me to live out this experiment. So I’ll sign off here, and start to input old thoughts onto the blog. I’m going to try and back date as much stuff as I can, even if it doesn’t yet seem relevant. It’ll help assuage some of the fear I have of losing the little memories I’ve recovered. And perhaps it’ll even help me build up my creative impulses, and become a half decent writer. So the way the new structure is going to work is that I’ll sign off each post with dates and times, and if I go back I’ll acknowledge the changes. It reminds me of Joyce’s ‘Trieste, Zurich, Paris 1914-1921.’ This is my palimpsest, my monument of sand shored against the tide:

Written on my laptop from my bedroom, 3rd July 2017, altered from a piece started 27th June 2017