#as sick as they made us
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)
i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.
i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.
and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.
HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.
now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.
my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.
i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.
by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!
keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"
similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."
the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"
if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.
the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.
godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.
the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.
#this is objectively bad advice#don't listen to it protect yourself and do real work on yourself find one of the good posts i've made about this#but also. u know. if u want to have fun while u do the work of setting boundaries#.... it IS fun#i will say that my fear of him went SO down after i just started. fucking with him.#bc i used to get SO fucking upset#i'd spend WEEKS arguing with him. tearing my hair out. sick with anxiety and dread and anger about all of it#and now i just LITERALLY do not engage#instead i'm like '' haha :) mole people" and get the HELL out of any tense conversation#i kind of think some of these people are literally addicted to drama as a form of connection#they like the rush they get from arguing#but those arguments are incredibly damaging for me#so like..... i am in the process of literally rehabilitating this person to figure out how to find connection thru#NORMAL CONVERSATION#he doesn't get it yet#i also do talk to them like they're preschool kids lmafo . ''are you using a safe and kind voice right now?''#'' do you need a snackie? you sound a little upset. let's have some hummus and come back to playtime when we feel ready''
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"i don't like taylor swift-" "i hate her" "swifties are annoying but-" NOBODY cares about your personal opinions on a celebrity. you don't have to be a fan or give two shits about her specifically to realize that using AI to generate nsfw images of any person is extremely fucked up and warrants serious actions against and regulations for the usage of artifical intelligence moving forward. it shouldn't have come to this for people to start considering the dangers of unregulated AI usage seriously but please for the love of god stop feeding any random images/prompts or information to AI I don't care how harmless you think it is. Just stop
#meg talks#Got into a massive argument with a friend who keeps using chatgpt for the dumbest shit in so sick of people not thinking about consequences#Also thinking about the swifties who made using AI to generate taylor pics/album aesthetics a while back it's pissinbgme off
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Caught ya slipping!
#secret life smp#trafficshipping#mumbo jumbo#inthelittlewood#ahasbands#redwood#ahasbands crumbs this session! nothing else happened nope nothing at all nope nope nope everything is fine#lil headcannon that to get to bdub's upside down house you use a ladder to climb into the window- he has an upside down planter box as wel#This session made me so ill so fucking ill im sick on the floor in denial. Martyn what was that ending THE CURSES NOOOO AAAA
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IM NOT A DOCTOR BUT I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP
#my art#dol#harper the doctor#HIIIIIIIIIIII HI EVERYONE 👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋#its a little bit off so that makes me kinda upset :( but ill figure something out. it might be the colors :(#or maybe the spacing? i left a lot in the top left :( but its fine#and im going to use every lyric of that song for every harper piece i make so that i dont have to think about making captions okay?#but HERE. a HARPER PIECE YOU CAN REBLOG#i give them the stupid messy sidebun because its cute. to me.#im so sorry about the radio silence but i DID warn you all i get artblock often#but!!!!!! i was also accepted into a zine despite my lack of internet presence :) so ive also been busy with that and other stuff too#accidentally made this while practicing for the piece because i couldnt get the style right :( but hopefully ill get a better hold on it#anyways. harper is not a doctor and i love them so much it makes me sick#harper my EVERYTHING. hes my PRINCESS.#MY ANGEL.#i want you all to remember this isnt just an art blog. its a harper fanblog#ohhh but i do have a few few few announcements to make in my next post okay? so dont ignore it alright? kiss kiss love you#IM GONNA BE FUCKING SICK HES HOLDING THE SYRINGE WRONG. AND I CANT FIX IT NOW BECAUSE ITS BEEN RBED
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Hm... I'm feeling benevolent...
#every time i use the word 'benevolent' i remember that guy who called me 'sensei'???#because he asked me for a crit and i was basically like 'i really dont like your comic' but obviously constructively#and then he kept messaging me asking for more critique and i had to tell him to stop#and then he made a video review of my last comic and the whole review was like#'yeah so i havent really read this comic. looks pretty sick though. i basically harassed her and she had to say to stop lol'#anyways. that was weird. he used the word benevolent a lot so i always think of him. sending good vibes hope hes still making comics#oh yeah also this is kind of spoilers but not really#sorta like afterword stuff#gotta sketch gotta get into the mindset...#im not sure if that counts as spoilers at all lmfao its just minor design changes#anyways.#time and time again#spoilers#what the hell i typed 'spoilers' and '911 spoilers' was the first option??????#uh#adam and steve#ttawebcomic#sketches#sketch dump#these used to be patreon posts but its been like 5 months so. theyre free noe#the word 'benevolent' is literally an inside joke with myself now LOL
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the water hears and understands. the ice does not forgive // six of crows & water
#six of crows#soc#wesper#kanej#helnik#it was soooo hard getting it down to 10 quotes#i found so many that made me sick /pos#it drives me crazy how the water is a source of trauma for all of them#but in the end the sea is freedom for inej and for us all#awooooo
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I know it’s played as a bit at first, but Chip struggling to wield Destiny’s Blade in Gillion’s absence is so important, because that’s just it, isn’t it. The weight of his destiny is something so great, so heavy of a burden, but there hasn’t really been insight into that until recently, and now both Chip and Jay are getting a look into just how hard it is to carry such a destiny. To raise the sword that Gillion does seemingly with ease.
But despite its weight, Chip keeps it close. He uses it when he’s out of ideas, when he needs options. He holds it tight to summon water, so Pretzel will have something in her bowl. He lifts it up to summon a shield when he needs protecting from a thousand different blades that would otherwise kill him. And there’s something too about how it’s Gillian’s blade, left behind without it’s wielder, protecting his friends despite his absence. How the manifestation of this magic is an imitation of Gillian’s - the shield protecting Chip as a swirling sphere of water, the shape water spell a Gillion classic of course. Even when he’s gone, his influence, what he’s left behind in both possessions and memory, are protecting Jay and Chip.
Maybe there’s something there about how whatever destiny Gillion has felt the weight of, it will always include protecting his friends - his family. Or about how their destinies are now forever intertwined, because Chip is using this Destiny’s Blade to find Gillion and it’s now his burden to bear. And it’s hard, and it hurts, and he feels the weight of his own actions now more than ever - but Jay promises he won’t bear it alone. And even while he’s lost, and unable to protect himself - Gillion still has a hand in protecting them.
#the way he held it before going into the last room in the pyramid. a reassuring grip to calm him. I’m not normal about it#nor will I ever be#he being chip#and chip????? using summon water????????? holding Gillian’s sword????????????????? they make me SICK dude#ACTUALLY unwell#they need to reunite fucking asap dude I’m gonna lose my mind#just. Gillian still able to protect his friends chips magic manifesting the same way Gillian’s does the blade room made me fuckin crazy#he ran through with gils sword gils shield manifestation and it protected him and I’m not supposed to go crazy about the implications?#the symbolism man. or metaphor. whatever I barely graduated it’s all character analysis at the end of the day#jrwi riptide 79#jrwi#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#jay ferin#jrwi chip#z speaks
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#kirby series#kirby triple deluxe#no characters to tag today!#i made myself a new desktop background. if you like you are free to use it also.#it was fun to draw something in this style again. maybe we'll see more of it in the future?#headcanon time i think the castle here was left overgrown and in a state of disrepair after tdx. not at all a priority for the people-#who ended up in charge. who i think are probably the people of the sky.#apologies for the infrequency in posting! i've been drawing but it's all doodle sheet type stuff which i bet you guys are sick of by now.#i'd really like to be able to make more complete pieces but i'm in a bit of a creative rut atm. maybe when tablet come it will get better?#who's to say. certainly not me.#...if you read this all the way through you win a cookie.
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I mean this in the nicest possible way but somebodys media tastes do not inherently mean anything. And yes that includes if someone has positive associations or mixed feelings or anything short of total hatred of harry potter. I mean this in the nicest possible way but that series was one of the biggest cultural phenomenons of the 2000s whether you like it or not and you look like a massive asshole if you unironically go around saying shit like "if you ever liked harry potter i hope your transphobic ass dies." And if youre about to claim that i must support jkr and i must be a terf because i said this im informing you right now that that is the exact behavior this post is about.
I am so goddamn sick of people acting like hate campaigns against random ass people is an acceptable response to having had any association with the most popular childrens series of the 2000s at all. I am so goddamn sick of you chucklefucks acting like this is the pinnacle of trans activism or helps us at all. Do you think i give any hint of a fuck about what books someone read as a kid when i exist in the real world as a trans person who is affected by actual legislation? Do you think it helps me at all to be constantly reminded of an incredibly influential person who wants me dead who wont shut up, who you keep feeding attention to like your goddamn life depends on it every time she trolls for outrage on twitter? Do you think that helps us? Do you honestly think it helps us when you start talking about how people should lose their jobs over liking a book?
But sure. That youtuber with a video titled "i played the old and terrible goblet of fire game from start to finish" where they go haha look at how glitchy this is for 45 minutes is the most pressing issue in the world to us.
It also yknow, totally sounds amazing and helpful to how your cause looks to an outsider when you unironically say shit like "if you like that extremely popular book than you must be a terrible bigot who deserves to die." Youre not scaring anybody away and you are presenting us in the most favourable light to somebody on the fence who could still be swayed. Get it together.
#vent post#i am so sick of this im so sick of it#based on a real thing i just saw too#the youtuber example i used is something i just saw that made me snap and write this
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i think a lot of people should google datenschutz/gdpr and how it protects people who bring in a complaint to their workplace/place of study before you start calling for the investigation to be published
#you stupid fucks#that law is in place to protect the fucking victims or alleged victims or accusers from retribution#its in place to ensure that whoever the accuser is doesnt face unfair consequence and retribution#having gone through something like this recently i cannot explain how fucking furious the stupid takes i see around are making me#like i cant even speak properly thats how furious i am#none of you stupid fucks care the least bit about the alleged victim and i am so fucking sick of all of this#as if her being doxxed and effectively blacklisted isnt enough. precisely BECAUSE the us isnt subject to gdpr#and because they have very little or no laws preventing sharing information from ongoing investigations into workplace misconduct of any ki#kind*. that and the public 'interest' or more like scavenging for fucking gossip so they could justify their moral wank which made it clear#to the absolute moral mudpit that is 'journalism' that they need to keep this shit up for clicks and views#i am sick and i am appalled and i am done. this is all i will say about it#f1
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Post Sprint | 2023 United States Grand Prix
#daniel ricciardo#us gp 2023#f1#*#**#i love him so much im gonna be sick#what the fuck is he made of 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
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Ok. I have listened to the people. I have watched the thing. It is very wholesome.
Kazu comes home. He is hopeless and tipsy. And he swings between excited and wasted.
#I am SICK of Miri’s voice ngl#I know kids are loud. And make a mess of EVERYthing. That’s why i stay away.#But for Kazurei ; I made it to the end#They are precious#Rei is so cute I love this guy#He has 0 human skill and still is effortlessly hilarious and a little cutie 👏💖#i wish we had more of their relationship bc they have sth really special#They never question their trust in each other like it never crosses their mind. They disagree almost all the time but they never part#It’s more natural than breathing. They’re always saying stuff like « it’s not fit to involve other people in our way of life »#it’s not even an option to live apart. They clearly will spend all their lives together#Except that scene it’s so weird when Kazu says « hum with Miri gone we don’t have a reason to live together anymore » lol man#Not as if you guys were already joined at the hip before meeting her. But I get the «the family life changed us now sth’s missing#and it feels incomplete ». But still guys. You are soul mates.#Also the « of course he comes with me. He’s my partner. » line 💕💍#even if at some point they meant to part ways ; really they can’t be separated.#kazurei#No homo daddies#Buddy daddies#kazuki x rei#Domestic gays
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Soda stroking Pony's hair and calling him "honey" is something that can be so personal actually.
#''is somebody sick? is darry sorry that i'm sick?'' 😭#i have a lot of favorite sibling duos but for some reason i forget about pony and soda#i always related to soda though. him being the middle man and all.#i remember one time my mom and brother were fighting in the car and they both were like ''emily--which one of us is right??''#and it immediately made me think of soda and how he ran away when pony and darry were fighting#The Outsiders
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one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it
#theres no peace#every little thing reminds me we are poor#seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time#im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly#the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job#and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support#and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money#because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live#its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin#time#cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for#sorry for the ranting i cant sleep#truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin#more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful#i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it#i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things#spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income#not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it
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Joel meeting Ellie: *slams her into a wall & threatens to shoot her*
Joel five minutes later: *kills a man w/ his bare hands for threatening to shoot her*
#the military guy: *points a gun at ellie*#joel: HEY >:/ ONLY I CAN DO THAT#this show's gonna be fun i can tell#cant wait for them to be such a borderline unhealthy co-dependent father-daughter duo <3#theyre already getting there#im sooooo not normal about them already and they only interacted for like. ten minutes so far#the show is so good and everyone's acting is on point#the last of us#my only issue is that THEY TOOK AWAY THE FUCKING SPORES.#THE THING THAT MADE THE LAST OF US UNIQUE FROM OTHER ZOMBIE APOCALYPSES#ohhh noooo they have tendrils in their mouths oh so scaryyyy#WHERE THE FUCK#ARE MY SPORES????#what's gonna be the big threat about the bloaters now huh? i guess there's no inherent threat of existing in heavily infected areas huh???#i guess we dont get a scene of ellie breathing in spores and joel being Not Happy about it hmmm???#'auogh oh nooo we dont want to occasionally obscure our actors facessss noooo'#COWARDS. THE LOT OF THEM.#it would have added to the show actually. it would have been sick as fuck. so unsettling. so immersive.#gonna die mad about it tbh#like sure the visuals are gonna be cool and the cordyceps concept still rips#but the infection spreading just by biting... thats so painfully normal. thats just another zombie show#its still an amazing adaptation and im obsessed but :/ cmon man#if there was One Thing to get right. the spores wouldve been it#PLUS IT WOULDVE LOOKED SO AWESOME. THEY COULDVE DONE SO MUCH W IT
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