#anyways i feel very fragile (i am very fragile)
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thinking about yassen gregorovich instead of sleeping (because i love him) and how he is a catalyst. yassen stabbs ash -> ash kills john rider -> ian rider raises alex -> yassen kills ian rider -> mi6 blackmails alex into becoming a teenage spy.
i have so many thoughts that i can't properly articulate. obviously this is a simplified chain of events, but yassen and his choices set off a chain reaction of the world's most unfortunate dominos. especially when you read russian roulette. to be clear im not necessarily trying to blame him for everything because that feels very mean. he was also just a 14 year old kid when everything in his life went wrong, just like alex. only difference being yassen literally had no one.
i think i should write an essay about this because i haven't even gotten into my thoughts about what yassen and alex's dynamic would look like past eagle strike. i would imagine it'd be similar to ellie and joel from the last of us part 2.
where obviously yassen loves alex and alex on some level cares for yassen back but struggles to reconcile that with the fact that yassen is responsible for his uncle's death. a very unforgivable act. it would be so messy and complicated and angsty, because on one hand here is an adult who truly cares about him and has a connection with him through his father. yassen could tell alex about john, and trust that yassen truly wants whats best for him. but he killed ian, and he cannot take that back.
while alex reels from those feelings, yassen is also trying to reconcile his love of alex with the knowledge that he on some level is responsible for the suffering alex endured at the hands of mi6. and possibly even the fact that alex's godfather is the one who killed john and helen.
#btw i think anthony horowitz killed yassen off so he wouldnt have to deal with this lmao#and sidenote ash is responsible for his own shitty choices but i think itd be difficult for yassen to cope with the fact that stabbing ash#led to some very bad consequences for literally everyone#are there any fics that are similar to what im describing?? ?#i read a ton of alex rider fics but i mostly read fluff because im actually too emotionally fragile to handle angst#i cried while reading stormbreaker and that book wasnt even supposed to be sad#if this is doesnt make any sense its because i woke up at 2 am and wrote this#its just word vomit; pure not proofread thoughts directly from my fucked up little brain#idk maybe someone will enjoy reading this#alex rider#yassen gregorovich#alex rider books#ian rider#john rider#chaotic ramblings#and final note i do not ship yalex#i was thinking of this more in terms of yassen having a weird guardian/parental relationship with alex#if it wasnt clear from my ellie and joel reference from the last of us#anyways im gonna go back to making shitposts and memes so i never have to feel anything again thank you goodnight <3
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i need to write more for switch eris this is not a drill
as usual im yapping in the tags 💀
#i am a firm switch!eris truther#i just KNOW hes a versatile switch#he could totalllyyyyyy be a mean rough dom#super controlling and kinky like we already KNOW he can conjure fire cuffs and hes deffff good at degrading- etc#but i also could see him as a service top or pleasure dom who can be a lot gentler and focus on praising you#or just pleasuring u in general#but i ALSO see him as like a BRATTY sub like this man is practically BEGGING to be put in his place#he teases and talks back like he's the shit but the next thing u know he's whining and bitching ab how u wont fuck him#BUT I ALSOO see him as like a very gentle or fragile sub when he's exhausted or just not feeling great#beron has pretty much ruined his self esteem and his self preservation in general and i think that deep down he'd thrive#if he was being pampered and praised#like he'd turn into the male version of a pillow princess (as a wlw person i am aware that that id a wlw term but idk how else to describe)#but like he'd gen just want u to take care of him yk?#anyways yea versatile switch eris my beloved#i could take him#(not in a fight)#rose rambling#anyways plsss send sub/switch/dom eris requests i am MORE than willing to oblige#(especially sub eris there is such a painful lack of that and ik he can be one bc he told me himself)#hehe#eris vanserra#eris vanserra x reader#eris vandaddy#eris headcanons#eris vanserra headcanon
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typically whenever put into a fight or flight situation my brain chooses “fight”. want an example?? ok!!
when i got the notification saying “dan and phil finally tell the truth” i was filled with terror. so instead of not watching it (flight), my fear turned instantly into uncontrollable rage. i started SCREAMING at the video the following: “NO THEY FUCKING DONT!! YOU ARENT TELLING US SHIT!! I DONT WANNA KNOW!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHIT UP!! FUCK YOU!!” while clicking on the video and sitting through the advert. got through the video a shaking mess. need to do some breathing exercises.
glad to know that the video was what all joint content has been since they came out: oversharing about their shared s*x life without giving specifics of their relationship. like yes kings leave me in the dark. don’t tell me shit. i don’t wanna know <3
so that’s the story of how my psychological response to the video was to throw hands with dan and phil through my phone because i am sane and healthy and normal
#dnp#dan and phil#phan#amazingphil#daniel howell#dystopia daily#phil lester#guys my chest is so tight#one day i’ll be able to watch joint content for the first time without feeling physically i’ll#i just have this constant fear that they’re gonna gaslight me akdbdkhfkdhfjd#idk how to explain it i just have a very fragile grip on reality that is ready to shatter at any minute#my biggest fear is that i’ll encounter something that will make me completely reassess reality#like i often feel afraid that i will look outside and see cartoon bread driving a toaster bc of that episode of rick and morty#what would i do if i saw that?? how would i cope?? i would simply cease to exist#anyway i’m insane 😃 and i’m allowed to say that bc i am actually insane ask my psychiatrist#hope you got through that phannies even though i know for a fact that you didn’t#i didn’t either i’m dissociating now#danisnotonfire#dan howell#yeet my deet
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suicide and general negativity ig
i hate that english doesn't have a good word for מיואש (filled with despair. hopeless? ig) bc this is how i'm feeling fr
there is just. nothing good. and there is so much bad - both BAD bad bc of the war but also mundane bad bc yknow, Life - that i'm getting so overwhelmed i can't handle anything
my whole month is filled with medical shit and there's probably gonna be even more bc i need more tests and they're all just. such a pain to do (it sounds whiny but genuinely i can't handle them. just thinking abt them makes me so anxious bc they all require lots of painful preparation, sometimes for a few days, and they're so gross and require being poked with needles which my medical trauma certainly isn't helping with. and even tho i did so many already they can't find shit and i'm so tired i'm so done with this body
and like. it'd be one thing if i wanted to live. if i wanted to make my life better or thought it was possible. but by now i know it's not and i know i won't so it just becomes infinitely harder. like if i compare life to being in prison, it feels like the warden decided to torture me just for fun to make it even worse
but there is nothing good there is nothing to look forward to bc everything is shit and nothing's worth it and i hate when ppl tell me to enjoy the little things bc there is nothing to enjoy about them either. i can't have most of them anyway. i wish i could. but this shitty ass body and fucked up brain won't let me
there is no future for me i know i'm never gonna amount to anything when i can't even do the most basic shit about being human, literally how am i gonna be able to fulfill my """"potential"""" when i can't even do stuff like eat or sleep normally. when i can't go outside. when i can't handle being around people. when my body crashes and burns after standing for a few minutes or walking for more than a couple hundred meters. what even IS there for me to achieve in such a state. the only win i can have is getting out of bed and it doesn't feel like a win because i don't. want. to live. i have fucking professionals, people getting paid to help me do at least some of these things, and i can't bring myself to even take the first step bc just thinking about it makes me clam up so bad i can't move or talk and everything starts hurting so much more
there's not even. mundane fun. or joy. bc no one i know has time or energy for that. bc that's just what being an adult is ig. not that there's much to do in order to have fun anyway. like i said nothing to look forward to everything is so shit and nothing actually brings me joy anyway and it's not like i can handle being around people enough to help with that
i was not meant to be alive i am not designed to exist and like at this point I'd assume my who knows how many near death experiences may have been the universe trying to correct the mistake that is my existence and for some reason not managing to pull through the final stretch
i'm so tired i'm so done with this i wish i could be killed in some certain quick way bc i can't. i can't handle any of this. this is too much
#vent#a very long one. because. i am doing very bad rn 👍#i am in the trenches as they say.#suicide //#what if i take a bunch of pills. ik i'm just more likely to throw up then get hospitalized but man :/#my body is so fragile yet so resilient at the same time. it can't handle anything but it survives through everything#man i'd ask for help rn but idk what even could help me rn. other than being killed i mean#already took a clonex and i can feel it fighting for its life to calm me down but unfortunately. my shitty brain's shittiness is stronger#anyway sorry for all the negative bullshit it's been a bad week and it's gonna be a bad month#january usually is honestly.#i mean last year i met [redacted] and they did make me want to live but! that lasted a month. so. no more will to live for me 👍#sorry for the even more negativity#trying to keep it contained to one post at least to spare your dashboard more bullshit later tonight#...i want to know ppl don't want me gone tho. maybe. idk if that'll help. but. ugh idk how to ask for things sorry
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a year ago today i was on a plane to paris for the first time with a whole month-long solo trip ahead of me
#personal#and here i am. getting ready to drive to my part time night job an hour away.#anyway we are feeling very sappy and sad and fragile and lots of things about this trip so pls be gentle with me asdlkjfh
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feeling lonely but i made myself a very delicious iced salted caramel blueberry coffee so it’s not all so bad
#i just.....wish i could be in the company of people who love me i'm feeling very 😕#i know i have people who love me and i feel so lucky but no one around me it seems#anyways i spent the day alone again today and the people who were lovely to me were random strangers#the cashier the security guard the food truck guy...my fav barista who knows my name and is always so happy to see me...i love her too#when she said that it's been awhile since she last saw me i almost teared up bc she remembered that! she remembers me#you know when you gain permanence in a stranger's mind it feels so profound it reaffirms your existence from the periphery#anyways i feel very fragile (i am very fragile)#and i'm feeling very stressed and lost bc of school too this next month is going to be probably my toughest month to date#let's see how we fare
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I go through these short periods of time feeling very okay and good even only bc i distract myself from what pains me until it catches up again and the cycle repeats itself
#i think it's verrrrrrrrry close to catching up again after i've had normal 2 weeks lol#so many ifs and buts and would things be better had i made a different decision lived in a different place or time etc#but i'll never now i'll always only have the here and now and the unchangeable past#and the very incertain scary future i'm trying so so so hard to be hopeful about but seeing things as they are right now. i really dont kno#i can only fake it to some point. i cant fake it till i make it. i'll fall apart countless times and then wont make it anyway#i feel like. i feel like all the circumstances i've been in have all always been against me#like i'm the only unlucky one among the people i know#i try so so so hard to remind myself that people who seem to have it so much better have their own problems too#but then also i remember something i wrote down once as a teen. the phrase you typically hear#''i have been battling (?) with this problem but am lucky enough to have a support system / loving friends etc''#and idk how right i am with thinking this way but no matter what problems you have.#it's the toughest thing to lack deep connections with at least 1 person ideally like 3 i guess bc it's such a fundamental thing#you know having someone you can ALWAYS turn to without feeling bad and you know that they can and do turn to you too#and i do have a few wonderful friends i love so so much but i feel and know that no one needs me like i need them#every friendships feels so fragile to me. no one depends on me turns to me for advice or to vent etc#and when i feel like i need to do any of those things i cant turn to any of them#there's still inevitably a sort of disconnect i feel#and it terrifies me that i'll never find someone i connect with on a deeper level and it's mutual and we both can depend on each other#and there are no boundaries no shame no unspoken words#i dont know how true any of my feelings are but. but yeah#nesi rants
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things effect me alot
#i’m feeling a lot :( hurts to lay on the leg i did my shot#i feel very fragile and upset#i’m nervous to go see my dad. i love him a lot and it’s his birthday#and i haven’t been up in so long#but i’m scared he’s gunna act like he does sometimes#it’s like heartbreaking to me. it hurts so bad sometimes#it’s hard to explain. he’s just invalidating of my feelings#but in little ways. ways that make me feel crazy and sensitive#but like i am sensitive. and ge knows that#it just sucks. i wish people took time to really understand me and listen to me#especially like my own dad lol#and he would say he does because he does care about me and love me#and care about how i’m doing#there’s just some things that i feel strongly about and certain things that just upset me a lot#and he just doesn’t know how to not be a dick about it#and i feel insecure because no one rlly sees it like i do#god anyways i’m like getting tired#ik it’ll be fine. omg there are gunna be ppl there too it’s like a party#i hate that. i hate being around everyone#fuck anyways. ok. i gotta sleep
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. Chompin at the bit today ...
#it's like. i hate (romantic) love. i love love. i cant survive without it. ill be fine alone#i need security and happiness. ive survived this long without them and don't deserve them anyway#i sm completely unhinged in every sense if the word. i am the most normal person on the planet and everyone else is wrong#bc they cant or wont feel things like i do#im the worst person alive. my hands are bloody. there's so much guilt. im so selfish and life is one long atonement for my very existence#im actually just human and deserving of the same compassion as everyone else. maybe more bc im just so fuckin fragile#i have to deny myself every comfort and desire bc it is morally correct#i have to deny myself because it is easier to deny myself than have the world deny it to me#pretend that it is my choice. easier never to ask then to be disappointed and let down and alone#i have to deny myself bc of guilt. it is righteous justice. it is punishment. it is misguided. all three maybe#so yeah. having A Time. had a full on breakdown at church and not in a good cathartic way#reminder reminder of the shire is saved but not for me#im multitudes and incomprehensible. im simple and stupid and plain.#i have too many emotions. i dint have enough. i should feel more. i should repress more#im just. off to stupid little crafts. read trc BC im already insane so whatever#work again. rinse wash repeat#gonna drive myself to exhaustion at the gym#not out of health desire. but brain desire. i need to be awake but unthinking. exhausted and pained for a righteous cause#anyway. ooops. so much for being reticient and repressed#i mean. irl sure. and this is only a fraction of it. i promise to be less in the future. its better for everyone#and I'm so tired of weakness
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thank you for all the sweet tags fei fei 🥺 (may i call you that?) it literally made my day haha you're too kind <33
ah, i typically go by "hua" online actually! :D
but yes ofc you're welcome to the compliments!!!! your art is so cute i wish to hold it gently, like hamburger <3 and then eat it LOL
#lotus-pear#asks#i think i have more of your posts in my drafts to be tagged up and queued bc i am a post hoarder but also wander off easily#your colors are always so lovely and vibrant and i am truly nothing if not a magpie immediately enchanted by pretty colors#i saw this ask when i came back from doing the dishes a while back and then was like 'oh! how cute! will answer Soon'#and then immediately went to taking care of my genshin chores n i had Thoughts(tm) abt what i wanted to say#and then they vanished like a wisp on the wind <3 smth smth if you wanted to play together or w/e then like#hehe *hides my face w/a fan but in like a mafia boss kind of way as i hand you a business card* here's my uid-- 628363596#a while ago this rando at-the-time ar40 person in china added me bc my genshin name is 小白雪花 so i get strangers in china sometimes#and i habitually let strangers in anyway n it's always very sudden and embarrassing opportunities to practice my chinese (:monaanguish:)#but this was the first time a lower lv rando added me and so i talked abt it w/my bff nat n she was like 'they're probs looking for help'#n i was like 'mm you're right. i'll let them in and give them 24 hours' and then five minutes later they were like 'hi'#n i was like 'hi~ do you want me to help?' (all in chinese) n they were like 'yes with fighting artifact domains'#i could tell they were popping fragiles bc finally a carry! but i didn't know how to tell them to wait for ar45 for that </3#i don't know if they think i'm quiet or just illiterate but they hit ar45 the other day and asked for help again#n so i went in again and was very impressed to find that i could carry them with just mona+yanfei#like yanfei i am not surprised my quest to min-max her never ends but at one point she died n i had to finish it w/just mona#and so widsith passive was out bc it triggers upon switching in n i Truly Did Not Believe i would make it but i did somehow!#i was pretty devastated when i first got her by accident my first week of gnshn but now i have the most highly-invested mona of my friends#gnshn meta is so fun to think abt it makes me feel like a highly enriched squirrel... hehe went chatterbox in the tags here
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boy am i mad !!
#i hate feeling anger because i have nowhere to put it . just forced to keep it inside me.#anyways im skipping classes yet agaain today and am gonna go to work instead. at least people seem to give a litte crap about me there#placeholder tag#i feel like im gonna explode. its worse than just being sad because when i get very angry i end up crying anyways. but it feels 10 times#worse because i feel like a weakling becauE even my anger is fragile 🙃#why is happiness just a thing certain people are meant to experience 🤨 whay about the rest of us miserable freaks
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all my fucking teachers are pitying me though???? like oh my fucking god i thought i wasn’t going to be that person anymore?? are you telling me that mental illness and physical illness and access concerns and low energy and motivation don’t go away when you move four hours away from home????
#my fucking linguistics teacher. is such a good person but i feel so fucking awful and hopeless#he emailed my academic advisor!!!! what is that supposed to mean he thinks i can’t do it#i missed class on wednesday because i was having combination flare-up and panic attack (where i feel sick and it makes me anxious and the#anxiety makes me sick and it keeps going in this evil cycle and i can’t make it stop)#everyone is out here four weeks into the semester saying ‘‘this isn’t like you’’ maybe it is though????#‘if my very existence is so fragile that i can only hold onto it three months out of the year am i allowed to make it define me??#am i allowed to say i’m not myself right now or is this the most myself i’ve ever been?#if i only look like myself from the right angle in the right lighting with the right frame of mind / maybe myself is not my self after all’’#^ shitty poetry i wrote in fucking 2020. here i am again. it just keeps coming back!!!!#i feel sick. every second i spend trying not to be so desperate and alone just leads to more lonely desperation just later??#you can’t just fill emptiness with limited human connection and expect it to stay filled when they leave???? unthinkable#why is my teacher saying my fucking name???? why is my teacher saying my fucking name i’m not fucking broken#like i feel like they’re putting me on suicide watch when i didn’t fucking do anything. oh my god there’s room inspection today#i’m in my bed sobbing there’s going to be fucking room inspection today#that’s fine. that will be fine. i’m going to class soon anyway. i dont know. it’s just. like everyone is trying to make me feel seen#but i don’t WANT to be seen i want it not to MATTER i don’t want to be identified as struggling!!!!#because first and foremost this is an issue of failing my classes. and i want to look away and pretend that’s not true#and everyone is watching me struggle and sending kind heartfelt messages. saying i just seem sad and distant#but im NOT and i WASNT and they don’t understand that i’m just fucking like this!!!! i’m not failing because i’m depressed i wasnt depressed#until i started failing. they think that if i can push away the feelings there’s a functional human being underneath#‘‘i found you on the floor like you wanted to / now i thought you wanted more is this all that you could be????’’#im so caught on how he was using my name. what the fuck is that about. it wasn’t in a normal way it was apposition. it was manufactured#‘‘sorry you’ve been under the weather [comma] arthur [comma] but glad you’ll be in class. just let me know if i can help’’#i dont know. am i the only person who feels like it’s talking-to-depressed-people-101?? Remember To Make Them Feel Human. Give Them Identity#Say Their Name so they know anybody fucking cares. i know i sound fucking insane right now i’m sorry#my only real friend here is out of town this weekend. i just feel lonely and isolated with no way to break out of it#crazy idea you guys maybe i shouldn’t be in the fucking honors program if i’m like this already. four fucking weeks in#i dont know. i just feel really upset and strange and broken and everywhere at once. i hope everyone is okay#vent cw#friends only
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✩ ‧₊˚ ✩ LUCKY — GOJO SATORU.
contents. baths + non sexual nudity, established relationships, tired toru :(, lots of kissies and praise for the babie :(, solid proof in the form of writing of how embarrassingly lovesick i am for this FOOL
it’s past midnight when satoru walks into your bathroom. he doesn’t even question why you’re in the bath so late—just gives you a lopsided grin tiredly as you smile.
“you’re home,” you brighten.
“look at you,” he coos, staring down at you with amused eyes, “waitin’ for me?”
satoru is tired—you can tell from the way the his shoulders are slouched and his blindfold is clutched in his hand. “i was,” you hum in agreement, “c’mere.”
it’s all it takes. he’s stripped down and waiting for you to move up so he can slide behind you in seconds, hand waving to motion you forward. but you’re stubborn—you shake your head as you hold an arm out for him.
“baby,” he whines, “c’mon i was out fighting big bad curses all day. jus’ lemme hold—”
“no. just come here, toru,” you insist.
there’s something about it—something about the way your voice is so gentle, so insistent, so knowing. it’s like you can read him more than he can, sometimes. satoru is tired, you can see it, you can feel it. you can’t carry his burdens, but you can hold him while he holds the weight of the world for a night.
maybe it’ll do for now—maybe it’ll even be enough and more.
“what? feelin’ like pampering me today?” he teases, “aren’t i a lucky guy,” he hums—but he climbs into the tub anyway, settling between your legs, leaning his back against your chest as his head falls back against your shoulder.
instantly, two gentle kisses plant themselves against his head, and his eyes flutter shut. he’s starting to feel the beginnings of a headache form—the gentle thump in his skull just barely there, but persistently present.
your thumbs rubs along the sides of his head, enough pressure to soothe the pain like you know it’s coming—he thinks you must.
“you are a lucky guy,” you giggle, “look at me. such a catch.”
he grins, chuckling that boyish chuckle of his freely in your arms as he relaxes. it’s been a while since he’s relaxed, you think—it’s half past midnight and he’ll be up with the sun in a bit to head back to the school, but it’s nice to know he’s relaxed. even just for this short, rare moment.
“oh yeah,” he nods, lips curled into a grin as he cracks an eye open and peers up at you, “s no catch like my pretty ‘lil baby. i’m living it up.”
“glad you know your privileges,” you murmur contently, shaking your head in amusement as you wrap your arms around his body. one hand rubs over his abs—he wants to tease you about feeling him up, wants to make a sly comment about missing his body more than him while he was gone. but there’s something about it, about the way it’s so slow and soothing and soft—it’s so painfully soft, satoru swallows.
finally, he lets his body go slack against yours, sliding down so his head rests against your chest and the water soaks more of his body. it’s warm. the water and your arms. it’s all so, so warm and forgiving.
“aren’t you gonna tell me how lucky you are too? i’ll listen, don’t worry. no interruptions.”
“yeah?” you chuckle, threading fingers through his hair and pulling a soft sigh from him, “wanna know how lucky i am?”
“course,” he murmurs, “well, i already know you’re lucky. it’s me after all—but i’m not opposed to hearing it.”
“how humble of you, satoru,” you snort.
he grins wider—he hasn’t had a chance to smile all day. not properly, at least.
“feel free to start any second,” he says with a wink. then his eyes flutter shut again as your thumb traces his cheek, ever so gently running along the soft angles of his face.
it’s pretty—everything about him is pretty. there are no ugly parts to satoru. just the parts painted from cruel hands. they’re beautiful too, you like to think, in their own, fragile little ways.
“okay,” you whisper, pressing a soft kiss to his head, “i’m very lucky,” you murmur into his hair.
he hums, mumbling a quiet, “knew it.”
“lucky i have such a handsome face to greet,” you pepper kisses along his forehead and find his cheek, giving it an affectionate little bite that makes him huff out an amused chuckle. “and he’s so tall too,” you add, resting your chin on his shoulder.
“that all he is?” he pouts, “just a pretty face? you’re breaking my heart, baby.”
“no,” you say quietly, grabbing his hand and brushing a thumb over his knuckles, “he’s also kind. too kind, sometimes,” you say quietly, “he comes home a bit later than usual every once in a while because he took his students out to eat. he loves them a bit too much, i think.”
“no such thing as too much love,” he hums, squeezing your hand.
you smile, admiring him as he lays against you, small in your hold even with the larger than life weight he carries.
“and he’s strong,” you add, “really strong. it’s not fair sometimes,” you whisper, “he’s got so much on his plate.”
“he handles it fine,” he assures, “he always does.”
“and then he still makes time for little old me,” you say fondly, kissing his shoulder, “never lets me feel lonely. he’s too good to me.”
“there’s no such thing as too good for you,” he gasps offendedly, pouting like you’ve insulted him, “he’s definitely not—”
“and sometimes, he comes home tired. and he tries to act like he’s not because he’s a bit of a prick who doesn’t let me help, but i’m smart and i know him well so i’ve figured it out. and if i’m extra lucky, i might get to hold him for a bit like this and help him relax.”
you squeeze him gently for emphasis, holding him closer as you press your nose into his neck and breathe in his smell. it’s like cologne that’s rudely expensive and that sweet smell only satoru has—it’s all you want to breathe in for the rest of your days.
you hope he’ll allow you that much. something tells you he will.
satoru swallows thickly at that, rubs a thumb over your bare thigh as he rests his free hand over it, the other still in your grasp.
and then, quietly, “maybe he’s fine just coming home to you,” he shrugs, “who can stay tired with such a sweet face waiting at home?”
“i don’t know,” you say thoughtfully, “he’s got a lot to take care of. wonder how he does it.”
“he’s probably the strongest,” he shoots with an easy grin, “sounds like the strongest to me.”
“he is,” you nod, “he’s a lot more than that too. i’m lucky he’s mine.”
“oh yeah?” he drawls—there’s something a little shaky about his voice though.
you choose not to mention it, pressing soft, delicate kisses along his jaw as you murmur, “yeah. he makes me feel really, really lucky. love him so much.”
“love you too,” satoru breathes, “guess we’re both really, really lucky.”
don’t talk to me i don’t want to be perceived. that’s enough softness for a lifetime so the next time i write him he’s getting hit by a bus
#teepods.writings#drabbles.#gojo x reader#gojo fluff#gojo x you#gojo satoru x you#gojo satoru x reader#gojo satoru fluff#jjk x reader#jjk x you#jjk fluff#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen x you#jujutsu kaisen fluff
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Uh.... Kinda brought up an topic which was tough but it was okay....?
#miranda talking shit#As usual i never said all i thought bc i always have so much on my mind#But ... Basically mentioned that people but is the recent case oliver can feel like hes too careful with me#So ofc he clarified that he doesnt and just generally liked to be nice and not rude and i buy that but kept on saying#That people in my past also have thought i am more fragile and maybe proper than i actually am#And that im a very uncomplicated person when it comes to some things. For example how i feel about other people#They can tell me and do anything and that wont make me suddenly dislike them or drop them. If i like a person already#... Theres a point where i do not care what else they have done or do? At least ive not encountered anything that have changed it for me#Ive never met someone who killed someone or something but... Who have opinions or have done things or do things which i dont care about#For example drugs. I havent tried anything and probably wont but i know multiple who have or are using and that doesnt make me... Think#Less of them? So. I explained that and said that he had never said something to me that has hurt me or something. Or then i brought up#The incident a few weeks ago and said that time i got hurt. But then i cried for an hour and realized he probably said what he said#Bc he was scared and worried. And it wasnt about me at all. So then i was just ... Fine. I wasnt planning to say anything about that even#But told him anyway. And then touched on the topic that i... Do things... Without thinking about it in the moment#And then realize afterwards its somewhat intentional? And its not something i like to say bc i feel like a bad person?#We didn't discuss that much bc he had to go so idk if ill even bring that up again unless the topic is close but yeah.#He said it was a good talk and i agree. Im always worried to share anything i think or how i work with people bc i fear they'll think im#Weird. But i did it and he seemed fine and i was stable enough. I think he wont care and thats what i like about him but also#I know bc we are so different... It's more likely we misunderstand each other. And honestly i cant shake the feeling i scare him a bit#Bc i feel so much and i want to talk about everything. Thats why i somewhat hesitate to say some things#He also said he have a history of. Dropping people or having his opinion of someone shift bc of something. Thus then it make sense#He got freaked out by me that time. Bc he thinks in his terms and for him others can be changed by small incidents so he thought i had#Changed mine. Thus the 'ive ruined it. I ruined our relationship and it was so good' It should scare me more that he said that his opinion#Of others can change so quickly and big. Bc... Im anxious but for some reason i.. Dont feel worried about that? Maybe bc i have always had#The mindset that people will leave me in the end no matter what and that i always care more about someone than they me. So i dont expect#Anything of anyone i like... But today was interesting talk tbh. I love discussing things with him. He's so different from me it's fresh#Possibly my autistic ass being hyperfocused on him and intrested bc of that. This is kinda how i was with Fabian at some point#He felt like an interesting individual bc he was so different from me so i was obsessed with talking with him about things#I enjoy it and i wont share how i think so i dont scare anyone so.... Should be okay
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Since your requests are open I'll help myself 😋 Gojo's wife starts to have morning sicknesses, so she suspects that she's pregnant. She takes a test and finds out that she actually is pregnant. Would u please write gojo's reaction when his wife tells his that he's gonna be a daddy? 🥺💕 thanks you, please feed us with your delicious writing!!!
Also if you're not feeling well then please ignore this. Take care! Mwah^•^♡
weight — gojo satoru x f!reader
a/n: I hope you like this, luv 🥺💕 thank you so much for your kind words and take care of yourself as well! many kisses and hugs 🫶
“shoko, I need a place to hide!” you say, bursting into the infirmary. you take the small moment of shock that shoko is in to take a much needed breath.
“what did you do this time?”
you wordlessly raise the pregnancy test with slightly shaky hands and upon seeing it, shoko drops the poor sandwich she was eating. you close the door behind you before sitting down next her.
she smiles, “nice, I am going to be an aunt,” then she looks at you confused, “why are you hiding though?”
“I need time to figure out how I will tell him or more like—“ you look at the ceiling, “face him. he will probably figure everything out with his six eyes, but I don’t know how he will react,” you wrap your arms around yourself and shoko sighs.
“you guys didn’t talk about it yet?” she stands up and goes to get you a warm drink.
you gently rock yourself, “satoru already…has so much on his shoulders,” you bury your face in your arms, “I don’t want to add to that.”
she places the mug in front of you, “you do know that he got into this relationship willingly, right? you didn’t hold him at gunpoint or anything…or did you?”
you lightly punch her shoulders, but you take the mug, muttering a small thanks, “if anyone was held at gunpoint then it would be me.”
shoko chuckles and pats your head, “you need to be able to face him, y/n. he will find out anyway, and personally, I think you should have faith in his reaction more than that,” you lock eyes, “you know him more than anyone else, after all.”
your gaze falls to your drink. its surface is so still until you softly blow and it ripples, calm the chaos.
what if you don’t know satoru as much as you thought? what if having a kid will scare him away? as the strongest, your husband has so much on his mind 24/7. will he be able to handle a baby as well?
while a part of you tells you that your husband is no coward nor is he so fragile, the other can’t help but think that perhaps this love story of 12 years will reach its end, a very tragic end even.
with the creation of a new life, ends a lifetime of feelings and events.
you snap out of your thoughts when you notice shoko shooing you into the closet room.
you hear the door open and you have a guess who it is. he makes himself known anyway, “shoko, have you seen y/n?”
shoko quirks an eyebrow and gojo huffs, “okay, fine, I know she is here, but is she mad at me? did I do something?”
you have a feeling that he is looking directly at your eyes even through the closet’s door as he speaks, “y/n, I will take you out anywhere. I don’t know what I did, but let me make it up to you. I hate when you’re upset with me, sweets.”
he is frowning lightly as he stares at the closet with hope. shoko sighs before walking out of the room, but not without patting his shoulder.
the door closes and satoru speaks up again, “can you please come out so we can at least talk about it?”
he hears your sigh and beams when you finally get out of the room, “there is my pretty girl.”
he has a flower bouquet in hand and he is looking at you so intently, but you don’t think he noticed the life growing inside of you now. he is far too focused on making you forgive him for whatever he did. you take a deep breath and look him in the eyes.
your hand moves and finally rests on your stomach.
his brows furrow lightly before his eyes widen. satoru’s breath hitches just like it did during your wedding. he places the bouquet aside before looking quickly between your eyes and stomach, “you are…”
you grip your own hands, nodding. tears start forming in your eyes till they finally fall and cries are what he sees now. your knees give out on you and you fall to the ground, now sobbing.
you are looking at the ground as you cry and hug yourself tighter, bracing yourself for whatever is coming.
satoru, almost instantly, finds himself on his knees in front of you.
his arms, like it’s second nature, pull you close into a warm and secure hug, “hey, hey,” he pats your back, a little clumsily, “if you don’t want it then it’s fine. you know I care about you the most,” his voice shakes a bit, “don’t cry please, you’re breaking my heart—“
“I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry,” you repeat a mantra of the same phrase as you pull him even closer. satoru cups your face and the moment you’re met with the pair of blue eyes you love so much, you break down more, “I know you—probably don’t want it but—“
he tilts his head, utterly confused and maybe even offended, “what are you talking about? of course, I want it!”
the room is silent for a moment as you process what he says. it’s like a massive weight has been lifted off your shoulders. you let out a shaky breath as you look down at your hands.
satoru rests his forehead on your own. his voice is soft and barely above a whisper as he speaks, “it’s our baby.”
the content smile on his face is almost unreal, “why in the world would you think that I wouldn’t want it anyway?” and somehow the pout on his face assures you even more.
your arms wrap themselves around his torso and you rest your head on his shoulder, “it’s just—I thought it would be burdening you with yet another responsibility. you have the world on top of your shoulders. how am I better than anyone if I weigh down even if it’s a different type of weight.”
“is it a weight for you?” he asks, voice hushed.
“of course not! I want—“ you answer immediately.
“there is your answer,” he chuckles and you look at his face once again.
you notice that he is tearing up. your satoru is tearing up, and the blindfold isn’t there to hide it nor are the glasses.
his eyes never leave yours as he says, with no waver on his voice, “I would pick you over everything else, every single time and in every single universe, silly girl.”
“you should know that already,” he flicks your forehead but the smile never leaves his face.
a soft laugh tumbles out of his lips as he pulls you in for a big bear hug, his form completely engulfing your own.
he fills tears stain his shirt, but he can only focus on your smile he feels on his skin and the fact that he voice out loud, “I will be a dad,” he sighs with contentment.
“and it’s all because of you,” he raises your face and nuzzles your noses together making you giggle, “we're going to be parents, you sweet pretty thing.”
satoru’s lips find themselves on your own in one very sweet and loving kiss. it’s soft, light, and gentle. yet it conveys all the words that he can’t get out at the moment.
when you pull away slightly, he quickly pulls you back for another, “I love you so much.”
he places a hand on your stomach, “and you too.”
“but don’t think I will share mama with you,” he sticks his tongue out at it, “she is mine!”
the baby is not even out of the womb, and yet he is already bickering with it.
you laugh and your chest feel so light. you kiss his cheek and his pout turns into a grin almost immediately. you hum, “infinity and beyond?”
his hand holds your own and he caresses your ring, “infinity and beyond.”
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Wait Midnight Mass was good
#I don't know why I was led to believe it wouldn't be but I was wrong#also don't know why I decided to watch almost the whole thing today when I am feeling very depressed#that was. a lot.#very triggering which was one of the reasons I initially avoided it#but I'm glad I watched it#I do not feel good now.#I've been having a really tough day and I really shouldn't have watched it my nervous system isn't happy#maybe watching a religious based horror wasn't the best thing to distract me from wanting to kill myself?#anyway. feeling fragile.#but it was good
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