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#not out of health desire. but brain desire. i need to be awake but unthinking. exhausted and pained for a righteous cause
soldier-poet-king
·
2 years
Text
. Chompin at the bit today ...
#it's like. i hate (romantic) love. i love love. i cant survive without it. ill be fine alone
#i need security and happiness. ive survived this long without them and don't deserve them anyway
#i sm completely unhinged in every sense if the word. i am the most normal person on the planet and everyone else is wrong
#bc they cant or wont feel things like i do
#im the worst person alive. my hands are bloody. there's so much guilt. im so selfish and life is one long atonement for my very existence
#im actually just human and deserving of the same compassion as everyone else. maybe more bc im just so fuckin fragile
#i have to deny myself every comfort and desire bc it is morally correct
#i have to deny myself because it is easier to deny myself than have the world deny it to me
#pretend that it is my choice. easier never to ask then to be disappointed and let down and alone
#i have to deny myself bc of guilt. it is righteous justice. it is punishment. it is misguided. all three maybe
#so yeah. having A Time. had a full on breakdown at church and not in a good cathartic way
#reminder reminder of the shire is saved but not for me
#im multitudes and incomprehensible. im simple and stupid and plain.
#i have too many emotions. i dint have enough. i should feel more. i should repress more
#im just. off to stupid little crafts. read trc BC im already insane so whatever
#work again. rinse wash repeat
#gonna drive myself to exhaustion at the gym
#not out of health desire. but brain desire. i need to be awake but unthinking. exhausted and pained for a righteous cause
#anyway. ooops. so much for being reticient and repressed
#i mean. irl sure. and this is only a fraction of it. i promise to be less in the future. its better for everyone
#and I'm so tired of weakness
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