#anyway this has been cali rants | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alaskashigh · 5 months

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If I wasn't so distracted by New York (I redid his face 7 times 😭😭), I would so rant about NY/CALI/NJ with you

Let me finish drawing him and I would send you a message in discord if you're okay with that!

are you joking Tumblr- WHY DID I MISS THIS???

this isn't late totally uh. you had to redo his face? 7 times?? damn- 😭. he does have a face that is so specific that if it's done wrong it doesn't look like him at all lol (that could just be me)

anyways, i'm always fine with getting messages on discord! i'm not active much on any messaging app, really, since I don't talk to many people- but I would gladly talk to you! (just ignore how late or fast my responses are. i'm a busy not busy person, 🥲)

I was going through my long list of fic wips (I have like, 100+ atp) and came to the realization that my NY/CA/NJ brain rot is in fact not something recent, but a months old ship i've had simmering in my brain. so that's cool lol (I really need to talk to someone about my memory problems-). I have so many headcanons and thoughts of them, and recently finally came up with a base of what I want their relationship to look like (basically their personality shit and how they piece together like a puzzle) since i've been running with a small amount of ideas on them for a while now. anyways, i'm rambling LMFAO. NY/CA/NJ is something I breathe, eat, sleep, and drink and I think I would physically combust if I didn't have the like, two-three fics of their ship on ao3 and my own little ideas.

the day I have someone to ramble about them is the day I will die peacefully lol

(below is my random NY/CA/NJ thing so I can tag this with the appropriate character tags and not make this a random post clogging up tags)

New York wasn't too fond of California in the beginning, and had a hate "relationship" type thing with New Jersey. The two of them (NY & NJ) would frequently hook up to let out frustration and anger, usually leaving before the other woke up and not speaking about what had happened the night before.

Well during this time New York started getting pulled towards California because of little things that he had started to notice. (The way he was not afraid to stand up for what he believed in, how he was such a hypocrite at times yet could be endearing in a weird way. Even started realizing that California was interested in having some sort of relationship with him after the countless times California had came up to him and "talked" ((New York wasn't really responding. Also that relationship is called friends, New York.)) to him about random things.) It really made him think about his relationships with New Jersey and now, California, and made things complicated in his mind.

New Jersey could tell that something was off about New York and even started trying to confront him about it (after learning about the "friendship" New York had with California now. he ignored the jealousy he felt when New York rambled about it for the first time ((also when they had started to actually talk more than they used to.))) He tried his best to give him some advice and help, but it's the Northeast and the relationship he has with New York is already confusing and messy, so he didn't do much. (New York thought his advice was helpful, although he'd never admit that.)

New York later started to come to find out that his platonic thoughts for the two weren't so platonic (dude you're literally hooking up with New Jersey- how in any way is that platonic??), which made life even harder for him. How the hell is he supposed to ignore his feelings when he has a (friends? enemies? he doesn't know anymore) with benefits with NJ and frequently hooking up with him, while practically spending all of his time with California? (you could say they're teetering on this weird line of best friends and acquaintances.)

anyways there's my two cents of my NY/CA/NJ lore that I have been meaning to write for so long now.

#wttt new york #wttt new jersey #wttt california #wttsh new york #wttsh new jersey #wttsh california #wttt #welcome to the table #welcome to the statehouse #wttsh #ben brainard #alaskashigh wttt worldbuilding

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bettyfrommars · 8 months

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Betty, I love you. This is gunna be a rant about a man, not our man Eddie, but my selfish husband. Guuurl. Ive been with this dude 20 yrs, 2 kids, great fucking provider where i can stay home in so cali. Hes funny, loving, caring, all those good things people want in a husband but damn the sex suuuuuuuccckkkksss. Hes the only man ive been with ( biiig mistake on my part 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️) anyway 20 yrs, and hes never made me O. 😭😭😭maybe it was a lack in my part cuz i never really liked when hed go down on me. In our youth we'd have sex like 11 times a day and now that i want more as im older (late 30's 🫣) he can only go once and im still O less. Ive tried diff things with him but hes very vanilla. To him our sex life is amazing cuz he cums every fucking time while im just a hole. Slowly starting to resent him but how can I when he does all these other thinga for me ya know. All that to say i fucking loooove the way you write Eddie in all your fics but especially the smutty ones. The way you describe him brings me to my fucking knees. When its just me and my toy i imagine its the Eddie you've written. Girl give yourself a pat on the back.😘

I love you too 🥹

So, first of all, let me say it is the biggest compliment ever to a smut writer that anyone would think of their character and/or scenes in their head when they have alone time, so thank you for that. I will cherish that like you have no idea.

The Eddie's I write are absolutely obsessed with you, so you will always have that. Continued....

As someone who has had my fair share of relationships and dated too many people to count---great providers who are also funny, loving and caring are hard to come by, and I'm really glad you have someone who is good to you. But also, I deeply understand your frustration. Especially if you are a very sexually driven or physical person, not getting the satisfaction from your partner can start to make you feel crazy, like you just want to climb the walls and go fuck everything to get some new experiences.

Does he know you are always going without the big O? Because if he loves you and cares about you, he will want to make sure the kitty purrs. If he knows that you are never getting off, but he doesn't care---that is not very loving.

There is a lot of bad sex out there, sad to say. I dated a guy in his thirties once who had no idea where the clitoris was or that most women needed it to be stimulated to cum. But he was eager to learn, and he got really good at it. I remember thinking his next gf should send me a gift card or something for ratcheting up his skill levels.

I have a lot of friends around your age, in similar situations, so you are definitely not alone in this, if that helps at all. All of that chemistry and those sparks you feel with someone in the beginning have a shelf life, so I have found, and need constant work. But like, yeah, we all get so tired of "working" on things...why can't it just come easy for once 🙃

#betty's asks

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dgalerab · 1 year

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alright here's my thoughts on how you'd fix stranger things (starting at s3 bc my stance was always that i could deal with how s3 did s2 dirty if it was building up to something properly in s4 and haha. hahaha. hahahaha. ahahahahahaahaha.)

mostly in vague terms of character arcs bc i'm still niggling at the idea of writing some screenplays for alternate episodes as a writing exercise

max vs mike: honestly the max/mike as foils aspect was GALAXY BRAINED and UNDERUTILIZED but it should have been mike's hypervigilance vs max's rebellion. *me dry heaving with the urge to not go on a rant about how the duffer bros see anyone with a gf as Normal and this blinds them to the traumatic elements that--*

mike should have been, honestly, on the same side as hopper. like, he's an angsty pre-teen so he won't ADMIT that he's on hopper's side but i think his friction with the party should have been that he's constantly overthinking where el can go without being noticed. you could still have the hormonal teens aspect with some grumpiness vs hopper but i think the overall aspect should have been that mike and hopper are very similarly overly protective

meanwhile max is going through it at home with extremely overbearing patriarchal figures. setting up for her grief arc in season 3, we really should have seen how billy is being abused, how he hands it down to max (by being biting with her from a safe distance since she laid down the law) and how she then struggles not to hand that down to lucas (also she should have had another moment where she again threatens billy away from lucas, showcasing the fact that she's as protective as mike is, despite her quarreling with lucas). so coming off this oppressive environment, she pushes to get el into freedom, being a little bit reckless, bc honestly who's gonna know? wound up with teenage overconfidence for taking on billy + a little bit of a self harm undertone because of her frustration with herself for inadvertent curtness with lucas bc of her struggles at home

the nancy/jonathan subplot is pretty good, but honestly? i think both of their sides should have been legitimized. keep and possibly even amplify all the moments with karen and nancy and the very serious fact that nancy is the victim of misogyny, but also give the byers more money troubles!! give jonathan and joyce moments where they're struggling financially! give joyce struggling to find work bc everything is shutting down because of the mall!! *slams fists on tables* lean into the horror of the mall!! the mall devours!!! the mall is the flesh monster, devouring all!!!!

ANYWAY

shut the absolute fuck up with making hopper unlikable so he can be redeemed by *checks notes* being tortured in a russian prison. fucking christian-ass hellsinner nonsense. give me hopper floundering trying to give joyce a sense of safety. taking her seriously but not knowing how to help. knowing she's thinking of moving away for money and trauma reasons. being scared to ask her to stay. being scared to offer to protect her. and honestly, i think he should have moved to cali with them, purely bc joyce felt safer that way and that's part of his redemption arc is just to trust her

make will less uwu babey boy. boy's been possessed. let him be fucking sloppy and mean. have him fighting not (entirely) against his friends to keep his lost childhood, but also himself. give him a crushes he doesn't want to have. make him be a dick about lucas and mike trying to get el back after the breakup. make mike be a dick back bc will started getting personal. FUCKING INCLUDE LUCAS IN THE ARGUMENT BRO

speaking of lucas has such an underdeveloped character arc in season 3 you'd have to invent it from scratch and tbh i'm still fucking noodling on this one. i feel like it'd have to contrast max and mike's different takes on overprotection. honestly, i feel like lucas' entire thing is the competition for hero with mike in s1, which would be an interesting arc - like, honestly, it would be fun if lucas was getting REALLY into tactics and it's part of the reason he hard commits to fixing mike and el's relationship but he's also weird about d&d now. it would make an interesting shift from the whole "sorry will lol we have GIRLFRIENDS now so we don't have TIME for interests, that's how PUBERTY works bc what 13-14 yos are really known for is being really normal about their interests and only being into girls). like maybe they've been straying from d&d bc mike's overvigilance is leaking into his dming and lucas' tactical special interests are leaking into his rp and dustin's over it and will wants them to just play d&d NORMALLY bc he doesn't want to face that he's not normal anymore and never will be again and this is deeply intertwined with the horror of puberty and queerness and trauma

i like the scoops troop dynamic but i think they shouldn't have been so disconnected from the party. i think there should have been this chaos with mike and max's war of the different flavors of the same person and lucas' Operation Get My Bf and Gf to Agree campaign and meanwhile dustin is like "so anyway there's a russian base underground" and they're like "DUSTING THERE'S NOT A RUSSIAN BASE UNDER THE MALL"

i don't care about alexei get rid of him

honestly i don't care if this is my get babygirl steve a boyfriend agenda, i think eddie should have been introduced in s3 as a direct foil to billy and a queer puberty parallel for will. i'm too winded from my other thoughts to elaborate but i'm right

karen should have divorced ted. instead of being like "what am i doing nearly fucking a teenager i have a family" she should have been like "what am i doing nearly fucking a teenager i gotta GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING MARRIAGE"

anyway tbc i need a breather before i deal with season 4

#words of ain #st

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red-elric · 2 years

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can we see the iwaoi timeline :0

>:)

they met through their moms; like they just definitely have the vibe of 'our moms were friends' to me lol. lots of kids whose moms were friends are kinda whatever about each other, but i think in their case oikawa was clingy bc he strikes me as a kid who had trouble making friends, and iwaizumi has had a strong sense of duty for a LONG time so he felt the need to take care of him. they did genuinely get along as kids tho, and it grew into a really close friendship

i feel like oikawa started getting attention as a pretty boy in middle school, and it kinda inflated his ego a bit; meanwhile, iwaizumi was becoming Very Aware that most boys who are best friends dont hold hands and hug all the time..... i think they kinda drifted apart for a bit in that awkward middle school way. neither of them really wanted to, but they felt like they had to and noticed the distance the other one was creating. it culminates a bit when oikawa's mental health is going crazy over kageyama; i feel like the canon confrontation they have is the pivotal moment that brings them back together as besties again :,) especially since oikawa seems so much more grounded after that

they go into high school SOLIDLY best friends again, but not quite as touchy-feely as when they were kids still. no more calling each other first names, it's all iwachan and trashkawa lmao. they both start dating girls (oikawa much more often than iwaizumi, but the one or two relationships iwa has have a lot more depth to them than anyone oikawa dated) and they both get REALLY UPSET about the other one dating for reasons they Cannot explain. both of them had a girlfriend at the same time one (1) time in high school, leading to the most awkward double date in history and both girls dumping them within the next week aksjsjjsj. still tho, they stay tight despite the awkwardness and are fully unaware of their feelings this whole time theyre insane

i feel like iwa's realization moment is literally the night after their graduation party. theyre probably doing smth sappy like stargazing late at night bc oikawa's going to argentina soon and iwa's starting college soon after that and like. iwa has this full on crisis of 'oh shit i like him. oh shit im gay. oh shit i cant do anything about this bc he's literally moving to a different country tomorrow oh god oh fuck' meanwhile oikawas looking for aliens (and also sad bc he misses his bestie LOL)

im a freshman iwa and daichi roommate truther!!! not gonna get too deep into daichis story thats a different post but both of them are handling their 'oh wow im GAY gay' crises at the same time for a year or so. i dont see them going for each other at all but they do go to gay bars together and wake each other up in the middle of the night to rant about 'oh FUCK (random childhood story) i was gay the WHOLE TIME that was a CRUSH' aksjdjdjjdb. meanwhile oikawa thinks some of his new teammates are kinda cute!! he's starting to think hey maybe im not straight :) the full truth hasnt hit him yet

we saw oikawa get the ushijima/iwa selfie and get mad about it. we DIDNT see him scrolling through iwa's snap story showing him and ushijima attending a cali pride parade together. this is when oikawa learns that iwa might not be straight, and that iwa definitely didnt tell him, and he realizes that maybe they havent been talking much recently (of course not, theyre on opposite sides of the planet more often than not) and maybe theyre drifting apart and oh god does oikawa have ANY friends anymore did iwa and ushijima hook up oh god oh god (side note: i think itd be really funny if iwa and ushijima hooked up in cali. i dont think itd go anywhere but i think it leaves iwa with a lot of concerns aksjsjsjsbsh)

anyway this is the emotional state oikawa's in when he's visiting brazil and runs into hinata!! he latches onto him a bit bc hey, someone from home :) and flirts a bit just for fun and hinata flirts back and they DEFO hook up brazil fling ftw :) and then immediately after oikawa has a breakdown bc oh my GOD, he's in love w iwaizumi. hinata draws the line of 'were not hooking up again you cant handle this' and then makes a point to call oikawa every week bc he CLEARLY needs a friend ajsjsjjd. so now hinata is..... kinda oikawa's best friend? oikawa and iwa havent been talking less and less but theyre both sort of in love w each other? but its Weird

olympics are Very strange for both of them, bc theyre in the same space but iwaizumi spends a lot of time with the japan team and when oikawa's not w his teammates he gravitates towards hinata. i feel like the brazil fling story gets out around then too which gives iwa a Lot of feelings aksjjdjdhd

i kinda..... dont see them making much progress for a bit here, until oikawa has to retire bc his old hs knee injury starts acting up. i think he retires earlier than most of the pros in their age group, which kinda KILLS him but he's older now and a LITTLE more chill. anyway he decides to move back to japan, and the first person he decides to tell is iwa. even though they havent really talked much lately. and iwa asks him if he has a place to stay yet and he says no, not yet. and theyre both a little insane bc iwa offers to let him crash on his couch until he gets things figured out and oikawa says yes. even though they havent been best friends in years. HMMM

and they were roommates era!! oikawa spends some time wallowing but has too much energy to do so for long so he applies for some colleges! gets a degree, finally!! im partial to him getting an entomology degree bc 'the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle' KILLS me but no matter what late game academia oikawa feels good feels right. anyway they slip into being besties again RIDICULOUSLY easily, once they get past the awkward hump, and oikawa does that thing where he says he's looking for a place of his own but doesnt and iwa does that thing where he lets him

eventually they get into a fight, probably over smth stupid, but it blows up quick bc HEY THERES A BUNCH OF FEELINGS THEY HAVENT BEEN TALKING ABOUT!! i think what comes out here is the 'we werent friends for a long time and that hurt me' from both sides :/ and it ends w them promising to communicate better from here on out

things are better, and then they get drunk and kiss, and then freak out bc 'i dont think the other one wanted that' and then angst for a bit without talking about it bc theyre STUPID

THEYRE STILL ROOMMATES

anyway i think hinata talks to iwaizumi about it and is basically like 'hey dumbass oikawa actually likes you' which prompts iwa to Actually Talk About it

and then they kiss NOT DRUNK and live happily ever after :) :) :) and theyre like, 35 all their friends are married already theyre STUPID but i love them :,) they adopt twin daughters etc etc

#it me #iwaoi #iwaizumi hajime #oikawa tohru #THEYRE SO STUPID i love them tho #headcanons #haikyuu!!

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nirvanawrites111 · 1 year

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I'm not sure how everyone else writes fanfics, but for me I have too be sooo excited about it. That energy is so hard to come by lately. Struggles of having adhd. I have a bunch of vague ideas but no motivation to execute.

The fanfic that I was the most excited about was Play Things with Jimin & Taemin. Jimin was my first ever ult bias and it's been Taemin since I discovered him at the end of 2020.

Anyways I'm just ranting. I wish there were more sub!taemin and sub!jimin fics. The Taemin ones are so rare. He's like the perfect muse for sub!kpop content with his music, mvs, and performances. Everything screams peg/top me. Idk maybe that's just my bias opinion.

Also, kpop isn't too exciting right now for me. It's like a lot of comebacks have happened but no one has me looping their music because I'm obsessed with it. The Boyz had a solid mini album but no one is even talking about it.

Kai’s album is good. I didn't like it at first except for Slidin and Sinner. I think his 1st album is just so perfect.

I would like to see ONE group from SM ent. EXO, SHINee, SuperM, WayV. But, if feel if they do come to the states they'll only come to Cali or New York and I don't want to travel.

I also miss GOT7 as a group. Even though I discovered them in the summer of 2020. I like their individual music, too. Mostly Def.

Taemin will be out of the military April 4 and it feels like it's been forever. I wish I didn't give up learning Korean. Now, I'm not going to know what he's saying on his 1st live back. They will probably re-record it like they did Baek’s.

I can't believe I'm ranting. It's been a long day. 😭

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probably-a-plant-thing · 2 years

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Explaining that Tasty OC Info

So I got this ask a while ago, and while I'd like to post one massive comic series to explain them, I kinda can't lmao.

BUT I CAN RANT IN A BLOG POST.

SO LETS GET THE BALL ROLLIN.

So the story with Ivanushka (who this ask is referring to, I believe) doesn't really have a name yet just because I'm bad with that kinda shit.

What I'm gonna do is slap a height chart here:

Then explain each character left -> right

Ivanushka 29: [Peach] Ivan starts the story as an immigrant from Russia, living in San Francisco with his boyfriend Vladislav. He works as a bridge tollbooth operator on the Golden Gate Bridge. So one night on the bridge, it's near the end of Ivan's shift and he gets into an argument with a guy about being short ten cents and gets shot in the argument (because America)

Then when he wakes up in the hospital perfectly fine, naturally he's confused as hell but turns out he got an emergency blood donation from his lovely boyfriend who just "happens" to have his exact rare blood type. But WHOA HEY Vlad has been a shapeshifter this whole ass time? Holy shit-?

Anyway so long story short, Vlad's shapeshifter blood in Vlad caused him to turn into a human/shapeshifter hybrid I call a "Form Morph" and he can only change his head because that's where he was shot, blah blah. Now he's in debt with the hospital and Vlad knows just who to talk to.

Vladislav 30: [Blue] Vladislav immigrated to the states with Ivan and he's basically the biggest dumbass with the biggest confidence and the least impulse control. In order to immigrate cheaply, he made a deal with a gang in San Fran to smuggle them into the city and make them papers for the low low price of doing whatever the gang leader wants. Pretty easy, huh?

So when Ivan is shot and Vlad takes him to the hospital, he's basically now trying to help Ivan understand his new shifty powers and also confine his boss it's a great idea to let the emotionally unstable wreak into the crime circle.

Cowboy 35: [Green] Cowboy is more a nickname he forces everyone to call him, but basically, this is the southern son-of-a-bitch that shot Ivan over ten cents. He's a gun-loving, all-proud Texan that ran over to Cali because his family was busted for illegal moonshine.

He has more relevance to the story, but I don't wanna spoil everything for these guys.

Fox 25: [Orange] Fox is yet another nickname, he's a mutant like Vlad and 1/3 Ivan except instead of a shapeshifter, he can use mind control! He's been a thief for the majority of his life on the streets, so he started collecting gang members to make his little adventures more exciting.

Though through years of living in his own mind and the minds of others, he's gotten pretty arrogant and gets easily pissed when things don't go his way. He's a big man-child except with the ability to make you do whatever he wants. Normally he's "nice" but he does get his scary moments.

Styles 35: [Purple] Styles is the oldest/first member of Fox's gang and is basically the guy's right-hand man. He doesn't have any powers other than the power of alcoholism and common sense. He used to work at a rodeo derby until he met Fox

Frank 20: [Red] Franky is the youngest official member and he's basically the gang handyman. Again, he's just your average guy (I realize I forgot to color it, but Franky is supposed to be Latino-Japanese)

But yeah that's the main info I can give about these dorks right off the top of my head, but please! If you bothered to make it this far then thank you a lot! I love talking about my OCs. Never be afraid to ask for further info on these guys! I have even more lil guys I could talk about in different universes/stories.

I plan on making little comics to go into these guy's dynamics more, but like. Motivation n shit, ya know

#original character #long post #masterpost #oc masterpost #oc #oc artist

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thelonerfox · 2 years

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Still on my Stranger Things BS

I know a lot of people are concerned about being queer baited when vol. 2 comes out, but I’m thinking that won’t be the case (hopefully).

The season opens with Will obviously showing interest in someone, as said by Eleven, and that still has to be resolved. This, to me, opens up a natural progression into a conversation about Will and his sexuality.

The season also opens with Robin stressing over her crush on Vickie and clearly shows her struggle with the fact that if she tells the wrong people about her sexuality, she becomes a “pariah.” There have also been multiple instances in which her relationship to Steve has been called into question by different characters, Dustin and Nancy. In both instances, Robin and Steve give unsatisfactory answers which leave the other characters with more curiosity.

So, my theory is that we are going to get two coming out scenes (maybe interwoven together). Will is going to be confronted with the opportunity to finally share his sexuality with at least the Cali crew and I think at the same time Robin is going to come out to the Hawkins crew, or at least Steve (who of course alreadyknows), Eddie and Nancy.

These will be two separate build ups though. I think Will’s will be much more dramatic and emotional because he has been pushed to the side a lot as of late and may feel like no one cares about the true him. I think Robin’s, on the other hand, will be out of exasperation. Someone is going to keep harping on the her dating Steve issue and she is going to crack. She will just keep rambling until she’s like “I don’t like Steve. I like women, but I can’t just tell people that.” Then she’ll freak out but be met with a group of friends that loves her for who she is, finally.

I hope to whatever god there is that I am right because we at least need a proper coming out scene from Robin to the Hawkins crew. And they’ve already hinted at and come so close to her coming out to Nancy multiple times that at this point it has to be intentional.

Anyway, rant over. That’s my current theory for the show and if I doesn’t happen, I’ll just pretend it did.

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #robin buckley #will byers #my theories on a potential coming out episode #stranger things 4 volume 2

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dinuhsoar · 3 years

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ᴛᴏɴᴇ

― Corpse x fem!reader

Warnings: language, poorly written synopsis and imagine tbh, gif has nothing to do with imagine, possible typos,

Synopsis: Y/n is playing Among Us when her toddler of a brother starts crying. Y/n asks for help- apparently, Corpse just needs to speak. A somewhat discontinued part two of Flowers and Crowns

Cali's message: Evening everyone! As you all know, I'm not a huge fan of Corpse. However, I like reading imagines about him because they're cute and take my mind off of my struggles! I am truly sorry that I haven't been posting. Requests are open for pretty much anything. Be kind and have a lovely day! And you guys actually liked Flowers and Crowns?? Tf are you on? Clearly this one is better- but, thank you for reading Flowers and Crowns and supporting me!

Gif credit: @adventurelandia

@haikyuu-appreciation-club wanted this, so here it is, love!

You and the gang have been playing Among Us for the past hour. When the games always started, you were right on top of it, immediately saying who the imposter was. And now? Now you were first to die everytime.

You've scanned. Corpse and Toast both watched you. And you were positive they were not the imposters. So when they, Corpse, killed you in decontamination, you were so livid.

You tried ranting to the people on your stream, you really did. But they kept saying, 'of course it was Corpse,' and, 'oh look how red she is.' Now that, that much was true. No matter how devilish that move Corpse and Toast pulled, you could forgive him.

You told your stream that you'd be back, the sudden cries of your brother flooding your ears. In the time it took for you to get to his room, make him stop crying, and return to the stream with him, the game ended. And apparently it has ended for a while now.

When you rejoined you heard familiar voices as you slipped on your headset.

"-and I find it quite offensive that you just insulted her while she wasn't present." Corpse had said. What was this going on about?

"Hello guys! Sorry for leaving, my brother was crying again." You laughed, and Corpse smiled like a sick puppy. Your laughter to him was sweet sounding and it held a sense of longing. He concluded that your laugh was normal awhile ago, so a normal laugh shouldn't be affecting him the way it was now, right? "Um, Corpse," you began, quite awkwardly as it was dead silent on the stream, "what was that about? The offensive thing? I joined halfway-"

"It's nothing to be hypervigilant about, Y/n. I took care of the situation." Corpse couldn't feel the flutter in your stomach, but everyone on the stream did as your face was red.

"Ahem, sorry to ruin your spotlight, but could we start?" Sykunno asked, softly lulling his head back.

"Just give me a second, Sy." You left them. Again. Groans and moans of protest is what they did. But you couldn't hear them.

"Which one, bubba? Hm? Carrots or peas?" You reached for the carrots, then heard him scream, "peas!" You were sure the stream heard it, and possibly your friends too. "Fine, fine," you rushed out, opening the can and getting a spoon. "Spill any and I will disown you, ya' hear?" Of course you were joking, but the look on his face was priceless. "Lets get you going." So you picked him up and set him in your lap as you sat back down, letting him eat.

"I'm back this time, for real."

"Good, because I'm not waiting any longer." Sykunno sassed back and pressed hard on the mouse to click start.

And just your luck, you're the imposter with Rae.

You took in a breath and left dropship, running to the node near office. It was probably the most frequently used node anyways. Standing there and awaiting your victim, you saw Rae run past. You immediately followed her into office and down to specimen. She just stood there and you went up to the decontamination in lab, waiting your victem. Toast talked in, and you got out and he went to download. You killed him then went back up to wait.

On Rae's end, she'd go on to kill Sykunno and James before they could even report Toasts body. And so when Corpse has arrived, on your end too, oh boy.

You stood over the growing pile of bodies, and when he saw you, he froze up. On one end, how was someone so sweet sounding, so, so very innocent, do this?

But you did not hesitate. He was vulnerable.

You killed him, laughing into your mic as you did so.

The game ended, and you assumed Rae killed along the strip of decontamination and not just lead them to the pile.

You looked down at your younger brother, smiling at him as he spilled some peas. Immediately his face went white, his lip curling and fists balling as you grabbed his can to place on the desk.

"Hey, hey, don't cry now."

But he would not stop.

"Do any of you know how to make a baby stop crying?" A chorus of 'no's' were heard and you groaned.

"Corpse? The least you can do is think of-"

"Tell him that-"

And with very little words from Corpse, he's stopped crying. However, his head turned away from your shoulder and looked around the room.

"Bubs, he's not in here. Would you like to say hi?" Carefully, you placed the headset on your brothers head, carefully watching his face for any discomfort.

You could faintly hear the others voices, Rae breaking into straight baby talk. When Corpse spoke again, your brother had a mixed face that looked like he was about to cry but laugh at the same time.

"Corpse, you began, taking the headset back, "thank you for making him stop crying." You tightened your grip on his waist, pulling him closer.

You all played a few rounds more, but you decided to them leave to put your brother to bed. Once he was in bed, you got a message. Opening the message app and seeing who it was made you smile some more.

'Hello Y/n! You remember when you said, '"he's not in here?"' Could we arrange that? I'd love to meet you both!'

What? Corpse wanted to meet you?

'I- you- what about your identity? Or-'

'It'll be fine, I trust you.'

'I can be there in a few days?'

'Perfect! See you then!'

Shutting of your phone you ran into your bedroom and screamed into a pillow. You were going to meet Corpse! But what if he didn't like you? Or what- no! You were getting ahead of yourself.

'Goodnight Corpse,' you sent.

'Goodnight Y/n.'

And little did you know, he fell asleep that night.

#fanfic #x reader #writing #shit writing #corpse x reader #corpse husband #corpse #corpse imagines #corpse among us #corpse fic #corpse husband x reader #corpse husband imagine #onlyhands #idk what to do #like tag wise #among us #honiebee

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bakujho · 4 years

Text

Time to talk about Predators.

And not the cool 80s movie ones.

So a lot of people have messaged me about this, so figured it was time to make a post to address it, since I think there’s a lot of really valid concerns here. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to, had to unfuck my thoughts and figure out how to say what I needed to say. So first off, here’s the bunch of messages I’ve gotten, and a bunch of posts that make them all very valid. (you’ll have to click on the images to zoom in, i combined everything to not hit the pic limit)

I’m going to put the rest of this rant under a cut with a trigger warning for predatory behavior etc, so anyone can bow out if they’re uncomfortable.

Right off the bat, lets chat about Fictophilia. Attraction to fictional characters. Now, inherently there’s nothing wrong with this, but as we know fiction does not exist in a vacuum. So underage fictional characters exist in an odd space here, since they are not real and no one is being hurt, but the question asked was “why minor characters?”. I think honestly in this case, it’s just that the character types that are preferred happened to be underage. Since the characters (with the exception of Ortho) don’t act like children, they’re all marketed as “boyfriend types” and that’s the nature of this specific media format, which exists to sell. (Which is why it drives me so insane when people write Floyd as acting like a child just to turn around and sexualize him. GUH)

Where this becomes an issue of course, is when it’s no longer simply relating to fictional characters, and where one draws the line as an older person in fandom. I personally think ageism has no place in any fandom, there’s no reason to take up the “godmother” or parental role. We’re all here to be fucking nerds about something, so encouraging minors to approach and interact is something I find SUPER weird. There were a LOT of messages I received from people that had run-ins with Caly/Misa as minors, and THAT is where it becomes problematic. Adding in the support of Vic stuff, despite the hundreds of allegations of sexual misconduct against him (from minors and adults alike), makes me incredibly weary about how she acts around minors.

edit: have been informed this is an old screenshot and no longer applies, though I’m leaving it here anyway cause Vic has been a creep since day 1.

Obviously minors exist in every fandom, but as adults, we need to be mindful of how we interact with them. Straight up, some conversations or thoughts shouldn’t be made public in a space shared by minors. I do not give a single fuck if you wanna sit on Azul’s lap, but PLEASE be aware of your place in the fandom and your IRL age when saying so.

It’s inappropriate to drop your lewd thoughts into a space accessible to all, save it for an adults only discord server or something.

On that sort of tangent, if you want to daydream about a fictional life with fictional characters as an adult, don’t do it with a self insert...or an OC that is very clearly a self insert as evidenced by these

Constantly complaining that people avoid you because you’re older is bullshit and everyone knows it.

People are uncomfortable with the way you conduct yourself in the public space, and how you present your not-self-insert-that-is-very-clearly-a-self-insert is what makes people weary. There are plenty of adults in the fandom, and from my experience, none of them have set off alarm bells in the same way. On that note, I will say once again to everyone, PLEASE curate your content. Unfollow people that make you uncomfortable, and if there’s questionable things posted that really make your skin crawl, block that person. If you have been following them in the past, you don’t need to feel bad about unfollowing. You don’t owe anyone anything, especially not a follow. And if you’re afraid of unfollowing/blocking for any reason, don’t be. If anyone comes after you for drawing personal boundaries, all the more reason to have cut that person from your life.

I did want to chat about a few extra things about that initial post, and just mention how shit it is to try and discredit other coping mechanisms in the same breadth as why YOURS is fine. Now, obviously liquor, drugs, etc are very serious addictions, BUT any coping mechanism when taking to the extreme can be unhealthy. Self harm comes in many forms, and they can all be destructive if they completely control your life (this includes collecting merch. If you can’t pay your bills but are buying merch there’s a problem). Also, there were some EXCELLENT points made off of the initial post that inspired this post in the first place, so instead of trying to paraphrase I’ll just post em.

I’m also working on a post about predatory behavior and how it’s not always sexual in nature, with signs to look out for to keep yourself safe. That’ll have to wait til tomorrow though, since it’s 4am, and I’m not awake enough to really dive into rn, but stay tuned.

#gravedigging #this took me fucking forever #had like 14 drafts of stuff #but yea #caly stay away from kids #i know they're easier targets #but fuck off #it's gross #and i still have so many fucking problems with that first post #but every time i tried to address them in drafts i ended up rambling forever

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weirdestbooks · 3 years

Text

Secret States Chapter 11

More Than You Know (It Was The Thirteen Colonies After All)

America POV

I continued to cry as I though back to that war. I hated it. The feeling of being ripped apart, the South leaving, and all of the fighting. I hated how my army had to be so aggressive towards the South, towards my kids. I hated how Confederacy tried to build a nation on slavery. I hated it all.

And the Civil War was my fault. I should've been better, I should've known better. Everything that happened was my fault. I didn't deserve to be forgiven for the Civil War. I didn't deserve to be forgiven for a lot of things.

I didn't understand why Maman was here comforting me. I shouldn't be showing this kind of emotion to her anyways. She doesn't have to worry about me. I have to take care of myself. I can't accept help from others. I can do it by myself. Maman began running her hand through my hair.

"You're okay Ame." She said. That just made me cry harder. I was...I was fine. I was fine. I didn't need help I could do things on my own. My eyes started slipping closed again. I tried to keep them open. I had slept. I didn't need to now. I had to go back to my work. I didn't need sleep. I had to make up for my mistakes, I had to keep my government from making another mistake.

I didn't want to mess up my family anymore. Everything bad that's happened to my kids since they became a part of my family was all my fault. I need to be better. I can't take breaks for my sake. I'm not important. They are.

"Ame, go back to sleep mon fils." Maman said, continuing to run her hand through my hair. Why did Maman care about me so much? I didn't deserve it, not after all the ways I've messed up.

I tried to stay awake, but my exhaustion from earlier was overwhelming me. Crying had only amplified that exhaustion, and Maman's hand running through my hair felt so relaxing. I felt my eyes flutter close as I began slipping off into sleep.

I was fine. I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I could do that myself.

—————————————————

Britain POV

"So, um, how does Ame manage to take care of all you?" New Zealnd asked as we watched Florida chasing a flaming California with a panther and an alligator. Something tells me that kid's like Australia.

"I help him, along with Vermont and the Thirteen. So it's not one person taking care of fifty-eight, it's fourteen people taking care of fourty-two. Plus, not all the states are like Florida. Some of them can actually keep out of trouble. Maine and NASA do, and NATO also steers clear of major chaos. And obviously all of my independent siblings can take care of themselves." DC explained.

"We hope so at least. If they don't then that's their problem. Just like Florida is yours." An unfamiliar voice said from behind me.

"Jersey can't you be polite for once?" Another voice said. I turned around to see two new states. The first voice, a boy, had a flag that was buff colored, with a coat of arms on it. He was wearing jeans with a green shirt, and had a garden trowel in his dirt covered hands. I assumed he was Jersey.

The second voice was a girl, and her flag was three stripes consisting of red-white-red, featuring a blue canton containing a ring of 13 white stars encompassing a golden shape. She was wearing a peach colored sundress with sandals.

"Now why the fuck would I do that?" The boy said. The girl rolled her eyes before smiling and holding out her hand.

"Hello. I'm the State of Georgia, the Peach State." She-Georgia-said.

"And I'm the State of New Jersey, the Garden State." The boy said.

"Hello. It's good to meet you." I said. I was a bit nervous. Not all of the states have liked me, or England, and I knew these states were part of the original thirteen, who so far didn't seem to like me.

"You fucking suck." New Jersey said. I sighed. I wasn't expecting anything different. I messed up a lot with America, so I makes sense that his kids wouldn't like me. Georgia smacked the back of his head.

"Jersey! Cut it out!" Georgia said. At least one of the original thirteen didn't seem to hate me. New Jersey scowled.

"Why should I? I'm still mad at him for a lot." New Jersey said. DC sighed.

"You two weren't even alive during the American Revolution." She said. New Jersey and Georgia exchanged looks.

"Sure...we weren't alive, but that doesn't mean I can't be mad at him!" New Jersey said. What did that mean? The way New Jersey said it made it sound like he knew something DC didn't.

"Jersey you're constantly mad at everyone." Georgia said, laughing slightly. New Jersey rolled his eyes.

"That's because everyone is an idiot. Most noticeably him." He said pointing at me. Scotland and Ireland began laughing, while North rolled his eyes and smiled. Brothers are great.

"I don't think I'm that much-" I tried to say before being cut off.

"Once Jersey tells you you're an idiot, you're an idiot. You don't get to argue or he'll put his trowel in your eye." DC said. New Jersey smiled.

"Florida! Beheef dich! Before I get Ohio!" I hear someone call. Was that German? Florida stopped and turned around, looking at the state that had just shown up.

"Come on Penny! Cali was being a dick. They deserved it!" Florida protested. The new state, Penny rolled her eyes.

"I don't care! Cali is cool. Chase West! I don't like him. And Ginny will back me up on that." Penny said. Cali flipped Florida the middle finger before they stormed off.

"Thanks Penny!" They said. Penny laughed.

"No problem. Er is weenich ad." She said.

"I don't know what that means but I think it's an insult, so hey." Florida said. Penny laughed before walking over to us.

"Gude Daag. Wie bischt du? Mei Naame is Pennsylvania." Penny said in what I believed was definitely German. Why did an American state know German? It makes sense for Louisiana to speak her French, after all, French Empire was her mother, but America had introduced us to all of his adopted kids. Why did he have a German state?

"English Penn. Nobody here speaks Pennsylvania German." New Jersey said, rolling his eyes. Penny rolled her eyes. Pennsylvania German? I'm guessing that's the German dialect she was speaking, but I recognized the name. Pennsylvania was one of the original colonies, an English colony. Why did she speak German, and have her own German dialect?

"Hello. My name is the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the Keystone State." Pennsylvania said, confirming that she was one of the original states.

"Pennsylvania German?" Wales asked. Pennsylvania nodded.

"My state took in large amount of Germans immigrants before the Revolution. Actually, I had more German than English settlers. They continued to speak their language in my state until it eventually became Pennsilfaanisch Deitsch." She said, shrugging. I guess that makes sense. America was created by immigrants and immigration.

"Don't underestimate the influence that Germans have had in US history and culture." Georgia said. I furrowed my eyebrows. I never really though about the influence countries other that France, Spain, and I, would have on America.

He was a country built off of immigration, so of course other countries would have an effect on him. I always knew that, but meeting the states has shown me how much of an influence they've actually had.

"Really?" North asked. The states nodded.

"Baron Von Stueban was a Prussian general who trained the Continental Army and Daed during the American Revolution. What he taught the American soldiers there formed the based for the US military training handbook." Pennsylvania explained.

"He was also gay, which is really cool." Georgia said. A gay German guy taught America how to professionally fight? That...definitely wasn't what I was expecting to hear, although America has always been full of surprises.

"A gay German guy taught America how to fight. That makes a lot of sense." Scotland said.

"Germans are cool. Aside from 1934 to 1945. They were not cool. Just assholes. But now that the fucker with the shitty mustache is dead, Germans are cool again. Most of the time. The only person I consider cool all the time is Scotland." New Jersey said.

"John Paul Jones?" DC asked. New Jersey nodded.

"Yep. Wish I had been born sooner. Like maybe when our states sighed the Articles of Confederation which allowed us to act more like countries but no, because the universe decided to wait until the fucking Constitution." New Jersey ranted, causing Pennsylvania and Georgia to laugh.

The Articles of Confederation. I felt like I had heard that term before, but I couldn't remember where. It sounded like a governmental document or something, which made me think it might of been important in America's government.

It must of also laid out how America was a union if the states, or at least New Jersey, expected to get a countryhuman after that document and not the US Constitution.

"You're still mad about that?" Georgia asked.

"Yes!"

"Oh speaking of the Articles, D, leave." Pennsylvania said. What? DC looked surprised.

"Excuse me?" She said.

"Leave. Take Northern Ireland, New Zealand, and Australia with you." Pennsylvania said, her voice stern. What? What were they planning? After all of them left it was just the states, Irel-oh. I see. The original states what to talk privately to the countries that were in charge during the Revolution.

"What?" Australia said.

"Why?" New Zealand asked. New Jersey rolled his eyes.

"We want to talk to the countries who were around when we were colonies. Privately. Go introduce Australia to Flor or something. We have business to wrap up." New Jersey said. DC looked suspicious, but ended up nodding.

"Wait why are we leaving?" North asked.

"Think about who will remain after you leave. The countries that made up the British Isles during the Revolution, and the original states." England said. Australia's eyes widened.

"Oh. So this is about the Revolution." Ireland said. The original states nodded. I felt a pit growing in my stomach. While America and I had mostly repaired our relationship, we avoid the Revolution. It was just to painful of a subject for us.

North, New Zealand, and Australia left, following DC towards a field were you could see other states working, and the panther Florida had running around.

"So what do you want to talk about?" Scotland asked. New Jersey smirked.

"Before New York's eyes became black, they used to be a yellow-goldish color." He said. I furrowed my brows in confusion. Why did New Jersey say that? Why did the original states make them leave only to tell us this?

"What?" Wales asked. Georgia smiled.

"Think hard. To before the Revolution. 1767." She said. I was still confused, until I remembered an old memory. When I told America about the New York Restraining Act. His eyes changed to a yellow-goldish color. He also felt different, like he was a different person. I had a bad feeling.

"When I told America about the New York Restraining Act..." I started, watching the realization appear in my brother's eyes. Pennsylvania nodded.

"That was New York. He didn't like you taking power away from his assembly. Georgia, Del, and Mary were able to pull him back before he took control." Pennsylvania said. I was shocked. The states, the original ones at least were around in 1767? They were a part of America?

I mean, I knew they had always been a part of America, but I didn't realize that they had...existed before they became countryhumans. I didn't even know that could happen. But how?

"You were there?" England asked. Georgia smiled and tilted her head.

"We've always been around. Dad was the Thirteen Colonies after all. Didn't you think it was odd that thirteen colonies had one countryhumans?" She said.

"I...I always did. But...I...I...just assumed it was because it was one connected land area." Ireland said, stuttering slightly. I had assumed the same.

"First. Dad doesn't know what we are about to explain to you. So you have to promise to keep it a secret. Please. I don't normally beg for things, but this has to remain a secret. Please." New Jersey said. A bad feeling was growing. I wasn't sure if I would like it.

"I promise." England said without hesitation. Of course he wouldn't hesitate. He was already used to keeping big things a secret from his family. As much as I could understand his reasoning for keeping whatever happen in 1860s a secret, it still hurt.

Whatever happened hurt America, badly. I have seen America during the Burning of Washington, at his low points during the Revolution, 9/11, and his triumphs he won through the suffering and death of his people.

I've never seen him look so horrified, so terrified, seen that kind of raw fear in his eyes. Whatever happened terrified him beyond anything I had ever seen. And England knew, he kept it a secret, even before America dangled reconciliation as an incentive to keep secret.

I wanted to help my son, but he didn't want my help. He didn't seem to want anyone's help. He was pushing himself to the brink of exhaustion, of his health, and continued to insist he was fine. What had happened to my son after he became free?

"I promise as well." I said, as the statement was echoed by Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. I didn't know what exactly I was going to learn, but I wanted to help my son, I was going to help him. I spent to much time fighting with him. We had begun the process of fixing our relationship. Now we needed to finish fixing it, so my son knew that he could trust me with his personal life.

So we could finally have the relationship we lost so long ago.

"There may have been one countryhuman for the thirteen colonies, but there were thirteen colonies within that one countryhumans. We...well we were kind of like voices in Dad's head ever since our colonies were set up. Dad never realized, always though we were his thoughts." Georgia began.

"It wasn't until after the French and Indian War, when the unrest began between the thirteen colonies began, that we began to have a more physical affect on Daed. When ever we became passionate about a topic, Daed would get headaches, and New York, after he learned of the New York Restraining Act, realized that we could force ourselves into control over his body." Pennsylvania continued.

"The only one of us ever actually got control was Mass, but it wasn't full. He shared control with Dad at Lexington and Concord, and at Breed's Hill. And even after well all became states, the territories all briefly had a stay in Dad's head. Most of 'em became states. Some got split into different territories. Unorganized territory, according to my siblings that knew him was a nice person, a peacemaker. He always knew he was going to die. So he tried to keep peace. I wish he had been given statehood. Okie, Oklahoma, went from being Indian Territory to being a state." New Jersey said.

That was...a lot. The states had been...sharing a body with America. I though it was some sort of rebel group that was creating a new countryhuman, that one incident with New York. Instead it was one of the colonies that kept America together, a colony that was done with my acts before America was.

No wonder the some of the original states hated me. The Revolution, and everything that lead up to it wasn't just something they learned about after they were born. They had lived through it, through the Revolution. And they lived it through America's body.

No wonder they hated me. I still haven't forgiven myself for that...incident in New York either.

"Did all of the states go through this?" Scotland asked. Georgia shook her head.

"Florida, Louisiana, Alaska, Hawaii, Texas, Vermont, and California all were countryhumans before they joined the US, so that never happened to them. And the current territories, Guam, Mariana, V, Sam, and Rico all had countryhumans before, so they have their own bodies instead of being a spirit sharing Dad's body. The Dakotas also never went through it, because the Dakota territory was split up when they became states." Georgia explained.

"DC also doesn't know because she was carved out of a state, and never existed beforehand. Same with Maine and West Virginia." Pennsylvania added.

"I...this...is a lot to take in." Ireland said.

"Is there any other countryhumans that are sharing a body with America? At this moment." I asked. The states shook their heads.

"Not as far as we know." New Jersey answered.

"And America doesn't know about this? Any of this?" Wales asked. Georgia laughed.

"Surprisingly, no. And we rather not tell him. Dad second guesses himself enough. If we told him, he'd go back and second guess everything he's done, wondering if it was serially the best choice or just him being influenced by us." She explained.

"Yeah. Dad may not show it, but he's gets anxious over everything. He tries to do the best he can, but he constantly gets told that he's not doing enough, or that he's doing too much. Regardless of what he does, he receives heavy criticism. He's lost a lot of faith in his choices because of that. He's convinced that not matter what he does, he'll never make good decision." New Jersey added.

Well now I felt worse. America had always seemed so confident, and unshakable. Now I was finding out that he was barley taking care of himself, second guessed everything he did, was hiding some sort of extreme trauma, all while trying to raise children.

Even though we only became a family again in 1945, I thought I had learned everything about how my son changed. Now it was like meeting him again during World War 1. He had changed so much and was like a stranger to me. I thought I knew everything important about him again.

But now I see that stranger.

Did I really even know who my son was?

#secret states by weird #weird’s wattpad stories #countryhumans #statehumans #writing

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hopelikethemoon · 4 years

Text

Settling (Javier x Reader) {MTMF}

Title: Settling Rating: PG-13 Length: 2300 Warnings: Pinning Notes: You can find the Maybe Today, Maybe Forever Timeline here. Set a few weeks before Old Parr in May 1989. Summary: Reader joins Javier and Steve at the bar.

Taglist: @grapemama @seawhisperer @huliabitch @pedropascalito @rogrsnbarnes @thewallpapergoesorido @twomoonstwosuns @gooddaykate @livasaurasrex @ham4arrow @hiscyarika @plexflexico @readsalot73 @hdlynn @lokiaddicted @randomness501 @fioccodineveautunnale @roxypeanut @just-add-butter @snivellusim @amarvelousmandalorian @lukesrighthand @historynerd04 @mrsparknuts @synystersilenceinblacknwhite @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @exrebelshocktrooper @awesomefandomsunited @ah-callie @swhiskeys @lady-tano @beskar-droids @space-floozy @cable-kenobi @longitud-de-onda @cool-ultra-nerd @himbopoes @findhimfives @pedrosdoll @seeking-a-great--perhaps @frietiemeloen @arrowswithwifi @random066 @uncomicalhumour @heather-lynn @domino-oh-damn @cyarikaaa @ahopelessromanticwritersworld @im-still-a-pieceofgarbage (if I forget to tag you, I’m sorry)

Tonight was supposed to be a date night with Lance. You had actually been looking forward to it. He was a decent cook and you always had a good time at his place. But by the time you got dressed up, you weren’t in the mood. It was the tailend of a workweek from hell and frankly, you just wanted to wind down with Steve and Javier.

Lance didn’t even seem upset with you for canceling. He really was a great guy. So understanding. He’d make a great boyfriend for someone, someday. Shit.

“Look at you,” Steve remarked as you came to a halt beside their table. “Is this how you dress when you’re not stuck with us?”

You rolled your eyes, “You’ve seen me in a dress before, asshole.” You set your gaze on Javier then, waving your hand at him, “Scoot.”

He complied, scooting towards the wall to give you space to sit down on the booth beside him. “Didn’t think we’d see you tonight.”

“You weren’t supposed to,” You shrugged, drumming your fingers over the top of the table. “I was worried you’d be gone before I got here.” It was said to both of them, but your eyes lingered on Javier longer than necessary.

“The night is young.” Javier said with a smirk as he knocked back a shot of whiskey.

“Looks like I need to catch up.” You gestured to the whiskey, “I’ll be back.” You said as you slid out of the booth and headed to order drinks.

You heard Steve say something about getting refills, before he followed after you, “Did Lance cancel on you?” He questioned as he leaned against the bar beside you.

“I canceled on him.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” You shrugged your shoulders, tilting your head to look at him. “I just really wasn’t up for it.”

“You could’ve invited him out for drinks with us.” Steve suggested.

“Nah,” You shook your head. “We both know how Javi would’ve reacted to that. And I’m really not looking to sit through another pointed rant about the CIA. Even if I agree with him.”

“Are you and Lance okay?” He questioned, rubbing at the back of his neck as he turned towards you.

You chewed on the inside of your bottom lip. “We’re not not okay.” You hung your head. “I don’t know, Steve. Sometimes I feel like I could really love him. You know? I have this whole list of reasons why I should—“

“You have a list?” Steve shook his head as he chuckled. “Poor guy.”

“Poor guy is right,” You made a face. “It’s been almost a year and I think… He’s a lot more serious about this than I am.” You glanced back over your shoulder at Javier who was still nursing a bottle of beer. You’d rather be here than over at Lance’s. And you should’ve felt guilty about that. “Can we not talk about this at the table? I don’t wanna hear it from Javier.”

“Of course.” Steve gave your arm a pat. “For what it’s worth, if you have a list of reasons for why you should love someone, do you really love them?”

You slowly shook your head, “Probably not. But he’s a good guy. We always have fun together. We work… well enough.”

The bartender returned with the orders.

“It’s just… I always thought it would feel different. You know?” Your eyes flickered back towards the booth, only to find it empty.

“Forget I was here?” Javier remarked, causing your heart to skip a beat as he slung his arms over your shoulders and Steve’s.

“We can’t talk shit about you at the table.” Steve remarked, shaking his arm off. “The drinks just got here, jackass.”

His arm was still casually slung over your shoulders and you tried to ignore just how much you enjoyed it. “Were you really talking shit about me?” Javier questioned as he tapped on the bar and ordered two shots.

“In a round about way.” You answered, your eyes following Steve as he retreated back to the booth. “See you back at the table.”

Javier caught your arm before you could escape. “This shot has your name on it.” He said, gesturing towards the bartender as he returned with two shots. “You said you wanted to catch up.”

Your tongue traced over your bottom lip, before you relented, sitting your beer back down on the bar as you turned towards him. “Fine.” You crossed your arm with his, before bringing the shot to your lips and knocking it back with a satisfied hiss.

Something about the way the muscles of Javier’s neck showed as he leaned back to drink the whiskey caught your attention. And you tried to ignore the line of thinking that had you picturing your lips trailing over that same skin.

“So, where’s the suit?” Javier questioned, gesturing towards your dress. “Busy sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong?”

Something burned through you and it wasn’t just the whiskey. “Oh, fuck off Javier.” You snapped, turning on your heels and heading back for the booth.

You hadn’t considered the fact that entering the booth first meant Javier’s body would effectively cage you in. And he sat himself far too close to you as he rejoined you and Steve at the table.

Not that you hadn’t done the same before.

“Someone’s acting cagey about the CIA tonight.” Javier remarked lightly, giving you a pointed look.

“Drop it.” Steve said firmly, knocking his knuckles against the top of the table to get Javier’s attention. “Not tonight.”

You brought your beer bottle to your lips, glancing towards Javi. You watched the way his shoulders tensed as he stared straight ahead at Steve with body language you couldn’t quite read.

“Did you hear the director’s gonna be at the embassy this week?” Javier questioned, looking between you and Steve then.

“Yeah,” You nodded. “Heard he’s in the city to meet with Barco. Things are going to be heating up over the next couple of months.” You explained, rolling the base of the beer bottle against the table.

“Escobar?” Steve questioned as he took a sip of beer.

You pressed your tongue to the inside of your cheek, giving a short shake of your head. “My sources think Gacha. He’s gone rogue the last couple months. Ever since news broke on the training camps, things have been tense.”

Javier rocked his jaw thoughtfully, “Your guy’s on the inside, right?”

Your eyes darted around warily, always cautious of who was listening. But the bar was filled with the regulars, familiar faces you’d seen weekly for almost two years. “Yeah. Matias has connections to the Ochoa brothers.” You answered Javier, keeping your voice low. “If we don’t get Gacha first, the Cali Cartel will. There’s a feud there that we could exploit.”

He clicked his tongue against his teeth as he nodded in agreement, “Does Lance know about Matias?”

You rubbed your lips together and stared down at your bottle of beer.

“We didn’t come here to talk shop, Peña.” Murphy must’ve kicked him under the table because Javier jerked in his seat, his leg knocking against yours. “What are your plans for the weekend?”

“I finally got my hands on a copy of Queen of the Damned. Only eight months after its release.” You answered, offering Javier a faint smile. “Thanks, by the way.”

Javier nudged you in the ribs, “Anytime, baby.”

“How many shots ahead of me, are you?” You questioned, chewing on your bottom lip as you tilted your head to look at him.

His brows furrowed, “Three. Including the one at the bar.”

“Jesus Christ, Javi.” You shoved him playfully in the shoulder. “Go get me two.”

Reluctantly he slid out of the booth, glancing back at you, before he headed for the bar.

“Steve, I know I said I don’t want to discuss the Lance thing, but I can handle Javier being… Javier.” You knew he hated Lance, you were basically immune to his smartass comments at this point. “I appreciate the effort, though.”

“We both know Javier can take things too far.”

“I really don’t mind.” You looked towards the bar, watching as Javier laughed over something the bartender had said, before starting back towards the pair of you. “He means well.” You glanced back at Steve then, brows furrowed. “What’s that look for?”

He shook his head, chuckling. “Nothing.”

You frowned, “Doesn’t look like a nothing look to me.”

“Nah,” He waved his hand dismissively, before rubbing at the back of his neck. “So what’s the story with the book?”

“It’s been an absolute bitch trying to get non-essential shit through the embassy.” You explained, tapping the base of your bottle against the table, “I guess they don’t think Anne Rice is a need-to-have.” You rolled your eyes. “Anyways, I’d mentioned the issue to Javier and he managed to get his hands on a copy.” You sat up a little straighter as Javier returned with the shots. “Let Connie know she can borrow it when I’ve finished.”

“She loves that shit.” Steve agreed with a nod. “She’ll get a kick out of it.”

You pushed your beer bottle aside as Javi returned, setting your sights on the two shots of whiskey. “You didn’t have more shots at the bar, did you?”

Javier shook his head, “We’ll be even after this.”

You downed both in succession, the glasses clinking against the table as you sat them back down heavily. You blinked, shuttering a little as you felt the warmth of the liquor fan out through you as it slid down your throat.

“You good?” Javier snorted, trying not to laugh.

“Are you good?” You countered, narrowing your eyes at him, before you looked back at Steve. “Why aren’t you doing shots?”

“I don’t mix.” He gestured to his bottle of beer.

“Weak.”

Steve shrugged, “Probably.”

God, you were glad you’d decided to show up here, rather than going to Lance’s. You liked the guy, you really did… but you wouldn’t trade anything for this. With Steve and Javier you felt like you belonged. And that wasn’t a feeling you were intimately familiar with.

And maybe in the long run you could love Lance, but you weren’t ready for your relationship to reach that stage. How could you love someone who was loathed by the person who meant the — by the people who meant the world to you. Both of them, not just Javier.

You swallowed thickly as you rubbed your lips together.

“What are you doing this weekend, Javier?” Steve questioned.

Javier clicked his tongue against his teeth, dragging his fingers through his hair. “I’m working on a new informant.”

Steve pursed his lips and nodded slowly, “Alright. So work?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged.

Your eyes followed the path his fingers took as they moved through his hair, unsticking the hair that was sticking against his forehead and behind his ears. You’d never noticed the bluish green mark behind his ear.

“When’d you get a tattoo?” You blurted out.

“What?” Javier turned to look at you, brows furrowed.

“Your tattoo.” You reached out and brushed your fingers over the spot just behind his ear. “I’ve never noticed it before.”

“Shit,” He thought for a moment. “I think I was probably eighteen.”

You rubbed your thumb over the spot, before you gently played your fingers through his hair there, savoring the soft texture of it beneath your fingertips.

Steve cleared his throat, “You never noticed that before?”

You shook your head, “You know, Lance hates tattoos.”

“Figures.” Javier huffed, making no attempt to stop your fingers as you played them through his hair more freely. “I’ve got more if you’d ever like a private tour of them.”

“Maybe.” You said coyly, brushing your fingers down the back of his neck before you reached for your beer again.

Steve looked between the two of you, before shaking his head slowly. “Not that anyone asked, but Connie and I are gonna drive out to Buenaventura. Spend the weekend near the water.”

You and Javier both gave him a skeptical look.

“That’s ten hours away, Murphy.” You pointed out.

“So what?” Javi questioned. “You’re gonna drive ten hours just to stare at the water?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Connie’s missing Miami.”

“Buenaventura is not Miami.”

“The water.” Murphy insisted. “Look, we just need a getaway.” He leaned his elbows against the table, “Come to think of it, a getaway might do you and Lance some good.”

You caught the way Javier’s head turned, his eyes fixed on your face. “Trouble in paradise?”

“Nope.” You said shortly, bringing your beer bottle to your lips. You kept your gaze fixed straight ahead. “Everything is just fine.”

He didn’t push it any further than that.

Another round of beers made its way to the table along with another pair of shots for you and Javier to share.

Why couldn’t it be this easy with Lance? You had fun with him, sure. But it never felt like this. And of course, it just had to be Javier. The last person in the world who would ever reciprocate anything outside of friendship.

And you were lucky you had that.

You never imagined yourself as the type of woman to settle, but honestly? Lance wasn’t that bad. He was a good man, he was kind and smart and funny. Good at his job. He should’ve been everything and yet...You’d rather be alone and have this than be stuck with someone you had to convince yourself to love.

Fuck. You were going to have to break up with Lance. And you were fairly certain he’d been slowly working towards popping the question with you.

But it wasn’t fair to either of you to keep playing a game.

#javier pena #javier pena x reader #pedro pascal x reader

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skullrock · 4 years

Note

Hey, I admire you and I really think your opinions on the show are very accurate. What do you think of Billy? I’m not taking about shipping him with someone but I once saw something about his sexuality and that Max caught him with a boy? And that this is why Billy’s dad moved from Cali and this is also why Billy treated Max like shit? Do you think it’s true?

first of all thank you very kindly and I am very glad my stupid idiot brain translates into cohesive thots about this show

On to Billy:

I hate him! I think he is a horrible terrible awful person. I cannot even begin to comprehend or wrap my head around the fact that people like him. He is canonically racist, an abuser, most likely a misogynist, certainly a bully, and his mullet is stupid and looks like a drowned rat ! He is the most annoying character in the show behind the blonde newsroom guy who I hate with my entire being

And onto this theory -

I believe Runaway Max, which is a ST book but debatable on whether or not it is canon, said that they moved because Billy had broken one of her friend’s arms? I skimmed the good reads for the book but I can’t find much, except for people saying they feel sorry for Billy even though he did some extremely deplorable things in this book (like... holy fuck, really deplorable). If anyone has this info please feel free to lmk!

I really truly have never cared enough about this character to even consider his sexuality, but I guess this theory could be true. However, I don’t see anything that would actually make Billy gay.

For example, a lot of people point to Billy’s behavior around Steve as having homosexual context. I do not see it this way, at all - I think Billy acted this way with Steve to emasculate him. To confuse Steve, to make him question himself, to throw him off just long enough for Billy to go in for the kill. Like, truly, I do not see him being gay - even if he was, I think Billy would have so much internalized homophobia that he would never be that open about his sexuality. Especially with a boy he literally just met? And in public spaces? Like he does this shit at a party, in the gym during a game, and in the showers with Tommy H.... it just doesn’t add up. Billy is definitely just trying to make Steve question himself and feel insecure and confused so that Billy can usurp his role.

I think Billy treated Max like shit because he repeats the cycle of abuse. Of course, he has been abused since pretty much day one with his dad. But instead of trying to break that cycle or make literally any attempts to be a better person, he repeats the cycle and does not care about the effects of his behaviors. Like... have we ever ONCE seen this guy feel or look remorseful for how he treats Max? Fuck no. The only thing we get is a “I’m sorry” at the end, and it’s very ambiguous in regards to what/who that’s about. Also I don’t think saying a singular “I’m sorry” right before you die absolves you of your sins ! Apparently that’s just me <3

Anyway I guess it could be possible but I also really don’t think Max would snitch on him? Has Max ever seemed like anything other than a fiesty but accepting young gal who is stuck in a really tragic situation? I don’t understand why she would catch him and snitch, especially knowing that Neil hits him. I also think the abuse and the struggle with Billy’s internalized homophobia would have been more prominent of this was true. But anything is possible!

Anyway I love ranting about Billy so much so if yall want more of me being pissed off at this character feel free to send in some stuff <3

#answered #anti billy hargrove #abuse tw #I fuckin hate this guy and I will die on this hill #also anon I am not coming for you I know you sent this out of curiosity!!!!#not mad at you at all just mad at billy and billy apologists

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blackssuunn-mandoandyodito · 4 years

Text

Tabaco y Brea

A Javier Peña fanfic

Pairing: Javier Peña x reader

Warnings: slight angst, slight fluff, sweating?, swearing, running?, somebody needs to explain this to me please.

Word count: 2.5 k

A/N: alright friends, this is the first chapter of a series I’m working on. As you can see, it’s called Tabaco y Brea. If you have any questions, hit me up. I hope you like this, enjoy!

Chapter 1: Stuffy basement

Bogotá was a sight that you had yet to stop being amazed at. Walking through its streets for the first time all those months ago almost brought tears to your eyes. Growing up in the United States and thinking that you may never get out of there gave you little to no reference in this country's culture, although your father being Mexican helped you master Spanish and he showed your way to dance. Early 1981 was not a great year to be in Colombia, but you were here as a DEA agent after all, not as a tourist. You could feel things getting bigger, and you weren't sure how you'll be able to handle it.

As you kept walking, you asked yourself the same question of your everyday life. Why the fuck did you choose to live so far away from the Embassy?

(You knew the answer, but it didn’t make mornings easier)

The heat made your clothes cling to you with sweat, your hair even in a ponytail was soaked and the headache was just getting stronger the more you walked through the avenue.

And you were late, dammit!

Your heels could be heard as you started to run to catch the bus, gripping your purse as if life depended on it. With the amount of money they paid you, you could easily afford a car, but attracting that much attention wasn't a great idea. You still couldn't understand how the narcos hadn't managed to get your information.

The bus was already at the bus stop when you turned the corner, and you didn't know if you could make it.

"Ey! Ey! Esperen!" (Hey! Hey! Wait!) You started waving your hand towards it, seeing that the last person in line was hopping on. The driver, thankfully, saw you and waited. You started running faster and finally climbed the stairs. It was packed.

Well, it seemed that you'd go standing.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

You seriously didn't think you could get more soaked from the heat, sweat even more than you already were.

You were wrong.

When you got to the Embassy, the entire back of your shirt was plastered to your body. Your thighs were starting to get grazed because of your skirt and your hair was all frizzy and probably resembled a nest of birds.

You took a deep breath, tried to fix your hair a little bit, and pushed the door. Nobody even glanced at you, and you were glad. If anybody dared to even look at you funny, you were going to lose it.

"Ey compañera. Mala mañana?" (Hey partner. Bad morning?)

Oh, just what you needed.

"¿Qué quieres Peña?" (What do you want Peña?) you rolled your eyes at him. He didn't look much better than you anyway. His pink shirt was sticking to his chest, even though he had several buttons open, letting you see his wet neck. His face was sweaty too, with rosy cheeks and his hair sticking to his forehead.

You arched your eyebrow. "No tienes mucho mejor aspecto que yo Javier" (You don’t look much better than I do Javier)

He gave a soft laugh, the idiot. You weren't in the best of moods to handle him, so you turned around and walked to your desk, then sat down with a grump.

"Vamos nena, alégrate un poco" (Come on baby, lighten up a little) you glared at him and started reading through the papers you had to check today. It was usually yours and Javier's, that asshole didn't do any of his own paperwork and you were stuck doing both almost all the time. Carina had given you a weird stare the first time you were ranting about it to her, but you were sure you didn't want to know what she was thinking. It was nothing that you didn't know anyways.

Once he realized you were definitely not in the mood for your usual banter, he stopped and sat down in his desk,at the right from yours. Silence (or as much silence as an office can have) settled and the sounds of sheets of paper turning and Javi working with his typewriter slowly calmed you and helped you concentrate with what you were reading. The fan that barely provided you of fresh air at least served as background noise for the amount of stuff that your mind was processing, and it even cooled you down a little bit. The headache was gone and so was the bad mood. After some time had passed and you weren't sweating as much as before, you asked yourself what on Earth was Javi doing if you had his paperwork at your desk.

"Hey Javi, what are you doing? At least have the decency to offer help!" you said as he turned to look at you. He smiled, noticing your mood improvement. Pulling his chair with him, he crossed the little space between your desks and opened the folder that he had been looking at.

"There's the Bera I know" You tried to hide a smile at the nickname. "I got some intel that could help us with this bullshit"

His voice, all business know, gave you a sense of peace. Even if he was a little shit most of the time, he was the only one who had been with you since you arrived back in 1979. He didn't have much more experience than you back then, had only been in Colombia for a couple of months himself, but he knew his way around better than you. He taught you the things you didn't know, and if neither of you did then you figured them out together.

"And what is that intel, agent Peña?" you teased him. You weren't oblivious to his ways of fishing out info, of course. He smacked you lightly in the arm and showed you the papers.

"A cottage on the outside of Cali seems to be a type of safehouse for Escobar's merca," he says while pointing at the pictures that were inside the folder "if this is true, we need to do a raid soon, but we have to make sure the intel is right before we take that risk"

The cottage was small, nobody would pay attention to it if they were walking past. It looked like an abandoned house, and you knew that was exactly what Escobar's men were hoping for. Although you were surprised they were stupid enough to have something even remotely close to a city, that didn't sound right.

You nod, "so that means...?"

He looks at you with a glint of mischief in his eyes.

"That means we need to stay for a few days in Cali, nena"

You have to grip your chair to physically restrain yourself from jumping of happiness. You loved Cali, the very few occasions you had free time you took a bus there (9 hours and all) and spent the nights in the dancing clubs. Cali gave you a sense of love and alleviated the homesick feeling that had been nagging you for years. It reminded you of your father even if this wasn't his country.

"Are you serious? Don't play with me Javi" he nodded.

"You know I don't play with this shit", his voice sounded serious, almost offended.

He knew how much you enjoyed being there, but you also knew he took his work very seriously. In both cases, you doubted he would joke about something like that, but it was almost too good to be true to believe it that easily.

You started to plan things in your head. Where would you stay? Close to the cottage? Close to downtown Cali? Would you have any free time to enjoy the pleasures of Cali nights? You hoped so because if not you were going to explode.

"So when do we leave then?" you look him in the eyes, a grin spread big on your face.

"It depends", your smile fell. "We have to welcome the new gringo, remember?"

Ugh, yes. You forgot about that.

"So when does he arrive?"

Javi shrugged. "I'm not sure, but it will be this or the next week."

You weren't sure if bringing someone else to this shitshow was a good idea. Enough lives have been lost to this war, and you didn't see the point of putting at risk another one.

"Will we take him with us?"

“He's not very good with Spanish"

Your smile returned, this time for entirely different reasons. "So we're gonna have some fun with him?"

Javi looked at you, amusement in his eyes. He shook his head.

"I don't think that's a good idea muñeca, he's coming with his wife" (doll)

You got the message, even if he didn't say it out loud. He has a family, something to lose. You don't, not really. Besides your own lives, that is. If you want to play Russian roulette with them, it's your problem. But the new guy had someone to come back to.

So, helping the gringo it was.

"What's his name again?" you ask. You had read about him a few weeks back when they told you he was coming. But you didn't even remember he was coming, much less were you going to remember his name.

"Steve Murphy" Oh yeah, it sounded familiar now. "He did his training directly at Quantico, so he must be good"

That you remembered. He was one of those guys who spent the 18 weeks (although you knew they were only 13 if you did it there) of DEA training in Quantico, inside the U.S. Marine Corps Base and next to the FBI academy. They weren't common here, you and Javi had done it elsewhere.

"So after we pick him up, we plan this shit out, right?"

Javi nodded. "I hope so"

He went back to his desk and you kept going through the paperwork. It was not an easy task, but that one time you made Javier do his own, he had taken so much time to do it that you passed the deadline and the boss ripped you both a new one. After that, you did a silent agreement where you did it all, Javier providing all info necessary and taking the blame if anything was wrong, even if it didn't happen frequently. He'd bring you Colombian coffee when the weather wasn't as hot as now, he knew you didn't like the one at the office and thought it "tasted like dirt", he would listen to you rant about certain reports and say whatever he thought you needed to hear in those moments.

You enjoyed spending your time with him, even if most of it you were arguing about something.

The day passed rather quickly, with so much to do you didn't even have time to glance at your watch or even the clock hanging in the opposite wall.

Soon, it was time to leave again, but you hadn't finished your work and it was due to a couple of days. You hated doing things just before delivery time, so you decided you were going to stay and work some more. It wasn't like someone was waiting for you anyways.

Half of the work was done, so you weren't going to stay much. Just enough so you could go back and finish tomorrow.

"Ey compañera, hora de irnos" (Hey partner, time to go) Javier sounded tired, and you figured trying to find leads and speaking all day with your superiors was exhausting too. You hated doing the calls, so he took that one for both of you.

"No me iré Javi, debo avanzar un poco con esto" (I won’t leave Javi, I need to get ahead with this) He frowned at you, with his beige jacket already in his hands. You figured you looked tired too, all day reading was doing an impact in your eyes.

"What do you mean you're not leaving? You just spent 12 hours doing paperwork, you need to rest"

You sighed. He was right, you knew that, but you wouldn't be able to finish if you didn't stay.

Seeing he wasn't going to get an answer because you were stubborn and ignored him if you had already made a decision, he hung up his jacket again and pulled his chair close to your desk. Then, glaring at you, he sat down and propped his elbows in the table, letting his face fall between his hands.

A few minutes passed, and you were starting to get uneasy under the power of his stare.

"Javi? What are you doing?"

He didn't answer.

"What?" you asked, defensively. "Do I have something on my face?"

He shook his head, still not saying anything.

"Javier!"

He started laughing at your bothered yell, finally releasing you from the pinned look he was giving you. You let out a frustrated sigh, understanding what were his intentions.

"You're gonna glare me into leaving, aren't you?"

His nod was your only answer, accompanied by a grin spread across his face.

The thing about your relationship was that even if you fought almost every day for the stupidest things, he took care of you. He made sure you got rest, ate decent food, got home safe. He protected you in the raids, even if you weren't his main focus. And you did your best to take care of him too, but he wouldn't let you.

At least not like you wanted.

He would go almost every weekend to search for the love you were so willing to provide for him in other women, in his so-called informants. And it hurt you, more than anything else.

You smiled at him.

"Let's go"

He smiled too, standing up. You saved your files in one of the drawers, took your coat, and rounded your desk.

Out of the office, everything was silent. The sun had already set, leaving you at the darkness of the night. You checked your watch. It was...11 PM already, damn. You didn't know it was that late.

"I'll drop you off at your home", his voice was soft.

You nodded, not trusting your voice. Everything with Javi was difficult at night. You were looser because of the tiredness, fed up with everything. You wished to be between his arms, it was the only thing you asked for. But you knew you couldn't.

Both of you climbed into his Jeep, and he drove off to your apartment.

"Why did you choose to live far from the Embassy anyways?"

He had asked the same question a thousand times before, and it was always the same answer. He never looked at you when he said it, his attention straight out the windshield. You couldn't figure out why he kept doing it, no matter how much you tried, no matter how much time you spent thinking about it.

"I wanted to get to know Colombia, not just the stuffy low-rise bunker in the basement of the U.S. embassy."

Once you got to the apartment complex, he parked his car and stretched to open your door.

"Good night compañera" (partner)

You smiled in response, took your purse and jumped out of the car. Feeling his stare boring into your back as you walked to the door, you got out your keys and turned around.

Once you waved him goodbye, he bowed his head and turned on the engine leaving with a creak of tires.

"Good night Javi"

Tag list: @dynphomaniac

#javier peña #javier peña x reader #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader #javier peña x you #pedro pascal x you #narcos #narcos fanfic #reader insert #pedro pascal fanfiction #tagging is hard #my writing #tabaco y brea

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ih8paris · 3 years

Text

i hate paris

Do people still use tumblr? I’m so old. And I never used it. I don’t keep up with the times. I don’t give a shit. You know what? It all passes. Except facebook. They made a deal with the devil and really, was it worth it? I use facebook. I live in Paris and there are these groups for women, expats, cheap people like me that want free yoga. That’s what I use it for. And news. BBC CNN ABC NBC MSNBC, you get it and the posts. They report what the people supposedly want, but then we can see what the people are actually saying. Donald Trump won’t win? Look at voices talking? Look at the little people. It looked like he was going to win. What do you know, he did. But what if he had lost. What if Hilary didn’t get a handle on COVID and then Donald won in 2020? We would all be so fucked right now. Maybe we already are. Anyway, I’m not here to talk politics. I’m here to process my life choices and see if there were signs that I was making HUGE mistake.

So here’s the thing. I’m a bit untraditional. Growing up was shit. Chuck left and made sure to shit all over everything before he did. And the whole get married in your 20′s have babies get divorced get remarried have more kids bc hey you’re not old at 30 and this is the guy you actually wanted to have kids with. I rant but you get it. Traditional not for me. Also not traditional, i have some money. This money has paid for college, pastry school and yes this wonderful covid filled experience in paris: the city that hates me. I’m fortunate. I don’t live lavishly. It’s not that much money. I grew up poor, I pinch pennies. Then i do exciting things. Or maybe challenging things? I am fortunate and grateful. And guilt filled. I am given this gift and shit it away, trying make something out of this paris experience. It’s like a bad relationship where i keep begging to give it one more change. It will get better. I’m a fucking idiot. So here I am, you know third times the charm, right? Back in paris. Vaccinated. I’ve made connections with people. I feel confident that this will not be a waste. It will be fun. It will be educational. I will network. Gain experiences. Omg learn so much. Be able to travel. OH the hopes and delusions i had. But maybe we should start from the beginning.

Omg, which beginning. Paris, i guess, we can go back further when the moment calls. So 30 is approaching. I’ve moved back home. That’s story for another time. Remember my life is not traditional. So I’m home to help out and idk try to figure out what the fuck i want to do with my life. See the big mistake i made in my 20s was listening to people i don’t admire. i graduate with an art degree. my college exit interview said i am qualified to work at a bank or Kraft foods. no connects, recommendations. No direct. And my family keeps talking about getting a job, benefits, 401k. At one point a little later on, my grandpa was pushing for me to go into service. Sorry gramps, they don’t want me. My education was good. I learned a lot. They had good resources and a lot. But then nothings. So i worked at a bakery. I worked hard at this bakery. For more than a few months i worked 7 days a week. I didn’t have a life. i had money. Money i made. And apparently that was the most important thing, from the talks i keep getting from my family. And of course i wasn’t earning enough, so needed to work harder and climb the ladder. There is no ladder in a bakery. Whatever, I rant again. We’ll come back to this.

So 30. It’s looming. I’ve thought about grad school. The money I mentioned earlier. It’s had time to grow. The GRE expires after 5 years, not that i took it but 7 years after I graduated, i wasn’t taking it. So Europe. Europe is artsy. I would like to make good money, enjoy the work okay, but mostly make good money with the least amount of actual work. So teaching. My mom teaches. Computer programing. She’s the head of the department. She fucking hates it. The dude that was suppose to get that job, he died. It was sad. But they also didn’t replace him so when the other guy retired, it became her job. It was an unpleasant 10ish years. But again, I digress. So teaching. Work hard and play hard. And it’s always changing - ish. I guess as much as you want, or don’t. New students every 15 weeks. breaks at all the holidays. Summers off. And when you’re just about to get bored, you’re back at work. Maybe because this is the only lifestyle i know, but it doesn’t sound bad. I worked in an office of women in high school. That i for sure knew i never wanted. But teaching. College. Okay. I need a masters. Learn about MA and MFA. Start looking for jobs in Cali because life’s too short to fucking deal with the snow and mosquitos. Idk everyone doesn’t live in Cali. So now the plan is MFA. They are much more rare and more in demand at universities. More money - but this time i think chasing the money necessary bc Calif = expensive. Now back to looking in Europe. I love Italy. I would love to live in in Italy for more that just a semester but actually live Italian or close to it. The language makes sense. The people make sense. The art makes sense. And it’s omg gorgeous. Alas, no American accredited MFA programs I could qualify for in Italy. I don’t know if there were none but if there were, they would have been in textiles, or digital/graphic design. Which I don’t know anything about. I’m old school, metal work, drawing, printmaking - although so far we haven’t gotten along, another thing i going to try to make work before i leave this city that hates me, for good - painting, ceramics, you get it. I hate computers. I appreciate technology but my mom teaches computers therefore there was never a working computer in my house so we (my brothers and me) don’t do computers. So i find this school - in english and in Paris. Paris, so glamorous. Home of famous artists and their art. The Louvre and Eiffel Tower and Fashion. So okay, i check out their programs. One i have no fucking clue what it is. Still don’t. Another is Photography - pass. Graphics - no. List continues. Then i see Drawing. That’s interesting. I can draw, i draw well. This is a program i could probably get into. SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: you can get into any program. No program is ever full. It’s bull shit. Masters program. Undergrad = everyone is applying at the same time. Masters = ages range and much fewer people go. So don’t fall for that shit - EVER.

They have a one year and two year program. The second year is less than half the first year so makes sense to go the second year and get the MFA vs MA. So that works out. I’m reading and checking it out. Not sure what I’m looking for but in hindsight, i knew something was missing. Talk it over with my mom and her peers who are also teachers. Consensus - don’t be part of the first group. So i have an interview to get it - what a joke. It is also a time for me to learn more about the program. So i ask, is this new? How long has it been around. Answer: Oh no, it’s been working several years. Very confident. I didn’t have a follow-up, just said I don’t want to be in the first group. I said those words. Her response: Oh no no don’t worry. I was so naive. And yes this continued through the whole program. People’s personalities are what they are. So she lied to get me into the program and just kept lying. No respect for the insane about of money i was paying for this ‘experience’. No respect for the education i could have gotten somewhere else. Because this program had NO educational value. I’m not being bitter or dramatic. It was a complete waste of time and money. Then covid happened. Might have been a blessing in disguise. I can go into detail of the program later. This is just an overview of the beginning.

So, I get accepted. What a surprise. I’m now officially 30 and this - i feel- is my last hoorah. After this i will be an adult who can get an adult job and become an adult. But first i need housing. And a visa. Which is very confusing. So the French and Italians - Italians I am familiar with, tell you about it later. So they’re similar in that lazy, lack of thoroughness, that’s their thing. Difference being Italians own it, French hardcore deny. So I’m reading this paperwork and it says thing like you need to have all your documents before your visa appointment including plane ticket. Well I can’t go without the visa so why would i get a plane ticket? Cart before the horse shit - it’s very french, wait until you hear about banks.

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naturaldisasterfanfiction · 4 years

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31.

Placing Fenty in her crib in our bedroom, it’s easier for us that she is in the bedroom rather then travelling around to her room. I am honestly at a stage where I think this is all so unreal for us, I can’t believe that I am a mother to a beautiful girl, I am a mother. Something I gave up on a while ago, I thought it wouldn’t have ever happened for me and it did, I am married on top of that to the love of my life and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I am finally thinking of me and I love it, I am entering a new year being a mother and wife, it’s so surreal when just last year I was crying to Mel that I am lonely and I have nobody, it was the perfect mistake to us. Fenty is very on time with her feeding, like her night feed is on time, she will wake up and then play up a little and then just want to feed to then go to sleep, the girl can sleep. If anything she is not like Chris, she sleeps well, and I am thankful she does sleep and doesn’t cry all of the time. Dennis and my mother have parted ways for the New Year, they have gone home, so that leaves just Chris and I with our daughter, it’s been a weird feeling to feel. It’s quiet and I don’t think Chris is dealing well with it, things are settled. But I give him his space, since Dennis went two days ago, he spent the first day on my hip, I mean like he was following me and I tried to do things with him, but I fall asleep, I am tired. My body is still healing, the day after I couldn’t find him and he was alone for the most of it but he’s not sleeping either now, which that has started again. When Fenty was crying and I didn’t feel the bed move I knew he wasn’t in the bed. Chris doesn’t like silence; he doesn’t like to be in silence and then also he has so much going on in his mind. I have never asked him if he takes his medication, I totally don’t do that with him. I have so much on my mind, I know things are quiet, but it will get better for him, like the home will start to get busy when the team is back.

It’s so hard, it’s so fucking hard to know where Chris is in this house and it’s bugging me. I have to wait it out until he comes to me, I am going to have to put some sort of tag on him to locate him because I can’t find him. I stifled out a yawn, I am trying to watch Real housewives, but I am failing at this, I have my daughter swaddled up next to me as I laid out on the couch, I am falling asleep again. I jerked at the sound of my phone blaring out ringing “Jesus” grabbing my phone from the side, Tina is calling me on New Year’s Eve too, surprised she isn’t drunk somewhere “hello bitch” answering the call “I can’t wait to see you! I miss you so much. I wish we knew you would be pregnant, then we could have had one last drink blowout” I chuckled at Tina “miss me huh, well I am going to be a reserved woman now thank you. I am married and a mother, my daughter don’t need to see her mother’ ass hanging now” I missed Tina “I will give it a year but anyways, erm what is Chris doing?” she didn’t even call for me “honestly, I wish I knew, he is somewhere in this house. I should have got an apartment; I can’t locate him or have the energy to find him” I need to start actually figuring out his spots in this home “I didn’t really ask what is he doing but like what is he doing on Instagram?” I breathed out “I don’t know, I don’t look at that shit Tina. Please don’t tell me it’s stupid shit” I hope he isn’t being dumb “there is whole battle going on with him and Drake, Chris did start it by commenting on a post and it was a old picture of you and Drake, he said that you all think I am the bad guy when Drake wrote a diss song on Rihanna. Drake wish he had a black child; his child is albino. And now like it’s kicking off, Jen text me and I called you” what is he playing at “god, why. Oh my god, Jen knows so someone as personally contacted her because she doesn’t check for it, what is being said? I don’t need this shit” I am just so fucking annoyed now.

I am going to not snap on him, but I want to know why, leave fucking Drake alone “sorry I am back, so Chris started with the albino thing, he commented on that post of you and Drake, then the IG gossip blogs saw it. Then Drake responded back but he posted a picture of your matching tattoos and said it was a great night. Then Chris went on his page and commented saying you, wait a minute just getting it now. So yes he put, you are old news nigga, how you saved pictures of a woman that don’t want you. Then Drake commented back saying you seem unsecure, is there some issues at home which Chris went on a full blown rant on how he is going to beat Drake for posting that, the thing is Chris is looking like the bad guy in this even though he made some valid points. He quoted a line from the diss track, but Drake denied it now, he is making out that never happened, Chris is losing his mind. He is currently doing it now; Chris is going back and forth with him. Jen didn’t mention who contacted her. She just said that Robyn should have had him under control” shaking my head sighing out “I am not controlling him Tina; he is free to do what he likes. I would never control him, I don’t know what idea you all have got thinking I control Chris, that I need to put a gag on him because it is not that and never will be” I kind of snapped on Tina “Robyn, I didn’t say that. Jen said it, but I think someone else has mentioned it” that annoyed me “he is my husband, he is not a dog. I am not his carer either, yes Chris shouldn’t have started but he is defending himself now he is making him sound crazy. Tina, just tell Jen that I want to know who said control him, but anyways. I have an appointment to go too, talk soon” disconnecting the call.

Zeus laid his head on my foot, I was supposed to go and see to Chris, but he will find me. My stomach hurts a little “you are so hairy, Chris needs to sort that out” Zeus looks fed up, I would move him away, but he doesn’t seem happy and he is also on my couch “where is Chris Zeus, you know where he is?” I asked him, this dog knows what I am saying. I have an appointment in an hour so he better hurry up “I literally came into this room but didn’t see you, I went all the way upstairs” Chris walked around the couch “where have you been all day Chris!? Seriously, and all night” Chris sat down but at a distance “in the office area thing, next to the garage. I been spray painting it” my eyes widened “what!? You’re joking right?” he shook his head without a care, he is being serious “not this house Chris, I didn’t want you to do that. What if we don’t stay here forever then what!? Is that what you been doing all that time” he nodded his head and clasped his hands together “smoke a blunt, paint. Just do what I want, then repaint it” staring at Chris in annoyance “so you decided to make a mess in this home, I am not having this home like the shit in your house!” I spat “it’s not, it’s one place, nobody will see. What do you want me to do all day, stare at you?” getting up from the couch as Zeus jumped off “well you could tell me, just tell me you are doing that instead of just doing what you like” I hissed out sitting up “well I went out in the morning, got them and came back” I didn’t even know he did that “why wasn’t I told?” Chris laughed, he finds it funny, but I don’t “you were asleep, man. I didn’t come to argue, I know you got an appointment” Chris got back up from the couch “walk off, we still have so much to speak on. Go on” waving him off, I swear to god.

Chris decided to come into the bedroom, I mean he has to eventually see me “have you stopped doing all that shit on Instagram?” zipping up the baby bag “I can’t take a shit without you knowing” I laughed shaking my head “what is wrong with you? You know what, just take the baby bag and go outside. We need to go; I don’t have the time to be just stood here hearing shit from you. Has the driver put the car seat in?” Chris shrugged, his lack of care disappeared, I mean where the fuck did it go “thank you Chris, really I mean it” picking up Fenty from the bed “the bag Chris” walking around the bed, I know Chris is struggling he probably feels like he has no freedom but it’s not that, he is fighting me on this now, I can tell he is. The fact he is going out without me knowing, I like to know what he does. I mean first of all I am his wife, and second of all he can easily go off the rails and end up taking drugs. I can’t let Chris slip, I can’t have this because then it will be I told you so, I know it’s not going to be plain sailing, I know for a fact it takes work and I am here for that but he needs to just try and help a long the way. Just tell me so I can make it right, try and make it better for him to be here. I understand he is struggling; I really do.

It’s been a while since I have been out of the house, but all I can think of is Chris and his behaviour “Robyn” looking way from the car window “mhmm, yeah?” I am not impressed of course “I just don’t feel like doing shit, my mood is low, and I am irritated. I just want to be zoned out and be alone, I am trying to break this mood by thinking of the good, but I can’t. Even now I just feel like I am not here, I feel like I am battling two parts of my mind, one part is wanting me to jump on a flight and go back to Cali and go back to normality and the other part is wanting to just cry and bang my head against a wall because my mind is racing. It’s really racing, and I can’t stop it, I need too” he spoke to me without being an ass “what made you feel that way Chris? I need you to tell me where I go wrong to help you” I asked “I just feel like I am not in control and in my mind I feel like it is a bad thing, it’s like mind games. I want you to take control but then there is another half where I want to be in control” shaking my head “you are in control Chris; I am only guiding you. Who said about this control shit!?” I have heard it a few times now “Ant messaged me, Jay Brown emailed him saying that he is not my manager no more, that Rihanna is. If I am to be married to you then I have to be under Roc Nation. Ant said it’s all games and control, she is controlling you and I said it isn’t and that plays on my mind” Jay Brown is a fucking liar “I didn’t even say that he mentioned about wanting you! That bastard” they want to play games “I am no good for you, like you love me, but you deserved a man to guide you” frowning at him “no, this is your mind talking. It’s not that Chris, too much is happening, and you can’t process it. I wanted a man which I have got, they are lying to you, I am not controlling you” they want Chris to seem like a little bitch and it’s not even that, they are playing on his mind “do you think that I am?” I have to ask Chris “no I don’t but shit just plays on my mind Robyn, it’s hard fighting your own demons on your own” reaching over touching his arm “you’re not on your own Chris, you got me. I am here for you, even if I am tired I am here for you. I see the change Chris, I do” this is what has been irritating Chris.

I filled out all of the paperwork while Chris sat with Fenty in the waiting room, I though there is no reason to just make them wait around while I did it. I had to fill out Chris’ part too which was funny to me because I knew everything, I had to even mention the Bipolar, but I did it while they waited in the room “is she awake?” Chris is getting her out of the car seat “yeah, she just woke up now” nodding my head “it’s ok, get out there” Chris has become a little shy with doing it now I am here “I am not judging you Chris. I want you to be comfortable” too late now, Chris is not doing it “why did you do that? It’s ok you know, I am not judging you” Chris is so deflated about things, I hate that for him. Reaching into the car seat “my little angel is awake, awww” kissing her little cheek before resting her over my shoulder, Chris placed the blanket over her “when we get back home we will talk, because you caused some shit on Instagram too” lightly rubbing Fenty’ back “they tagged me in some shit Robyn, the caption stated that you loved him and that I don’t deserve you. I am sick of seeing that fucking shit so I said it, they playing in my face I hate it” rolling my eyes.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Chrianna Fanfiction #Fanfic #fanficiton

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