#anyway sorry i feel like i only get on tumblr to vent.
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Hi
I cut my hair and I wanna show it off
Face reveal I guess? Jshsjs
#i really love it#i feel very pretty right now#its been a couple of harsh months and now i can finally feel like okay? ive never been this okay in my life and im really grateful#I'm also so grateful for all the kind words from mutuals i really appreciate it it means so much to me#and btw im kind of a ghost on tumblr now#this was literally my vent diary and now i only posts phrases and such#big ass change lol#im medicated now and in therapy one day at week im receiving help so my vents now go to a person and not the internet JAGAJA#sorry if anyone ever feel uncomfortable with that#it did help me / having a safe space here#but anyways#i feel pretty and happy? idk close to happy#im getting better#:) hehe#ari talks
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genuinely nobody. misses me nobody thinks abt me when i’m not around. i can be in a room and speak and people either pretend they don’t hear (or perhaps they didn’t actually hear) or just look like i’m a new person everytime. like people forget i exist. it’s like i’m not real it’s like i’m a temporary single use person it’s so exhausting
#vent#sorry for going off on this stupid tumblr dot com i have nowhere else to go rn#i’m so tired i just. i wish i existed#or maybe i don’t idk all the times i feel i have existed have backfired#i just want to be… loved unconditionally#i want to be thought of and loved and real and tactile#i want to Matter outside of myself#it gets so tiring constantly being the only person i have and can rely on#i know i’m probably asking for too much but. i really don’t think so#is it . that hard to love me#i don’t know.#i’ll go back to being funny in a second im just. so ugh rn im so fucking ugh#i’m so upset and angry and exhausted and i just Hate This i hate . being like this#i’m so stuck rn#in every aspect of my life#it’s like i’m a fish in a tank too small for me so now i have nowhere to go#which is a silly metaphor but it’s. i don’t know. i just can’t breathe anymore and i wish someone was there to tell me it’s ok#without me having to say. please tell me i’m okay. i want somebody to tell me i’m okay because they want to#anyway.#i’m gonna try and sleep again i hope it works this time
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pov talking shit abt my sister in vc when my door is ever so slightly open and she probably heard me so now im all embarrassed to go out into the living room out of fear that she'll be like "so what were u talking about in there"
#i want to move out so bad !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it here#peppr i kno ur gonna b online in 2 seconds i am having thoughts and i WILL make a gaypos in a second im just ohgh. OUghhg!#thers a lot of things i did not say in the vc but only because if i said too much my sister 100% woulda came i n n said something but'#anyways i just . oh i am so frustrated. its not kyle he isnt doing anything its just theres people in my House at all Times Now#and after living on our own for over a year my mom n i were used to it just being me n her and me being home alone all the time#but now theres people here and its genuinely fuicking with my mental state!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#its stressful. its just very very stressful#genuinely i kind of want to come n visit u just for a chance to get out of the hosue i Never Leave The House Anymore Ever#but like kitty seems to be doing . better. kitten's still a bitch n he hisses at kitty a lot but kitty seems to be doing alrite which#makes me feel moer comfy about coming to potentially see u sometime but idk it all depends on my mom and....#its. expensive! we may not be able to rly afford it honestly. but my moms making plans t go visit my brother like This Week so idk#maybe something could work out . but idk man#my mom has been moody late ly bc of rob and also because of russ (shes talking to him aain. i dont know why but i can tell that he#has a completely negative affect on her so idk why she's still trying to fucking make things work out. bc its not gonna fucking work out)#but its just . yeah. moms in a bad mood all the time and i dont think shes' gotten more than like3 hours of sleep a night so. great!#thank you robynne for making us go practically fucking broke i hope you move out soon but i fully expect you to be here til next summer.#fucking grow up lmao#anyways! sure hope she doesnt see this but if she does like the last vent i made about her on my other tumblr a few years back : sorry !#anyways im gonna gaypos now <3 i prommy im in a good mood rn i am just . oh she is just frustrating i want to move out SO bad
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AITA for faking my death to get out of an abusive relationship?
Tw for verbal + mental/psychological abuse and suicide
I used to be in a discord server with some friends, there were about 40 people in it, only around 20 who were actually active. It was a while ago I can't remember. I was in that server for about 4 months.
From the start, people would occasionally get mad at me over something I didn't do. About every month or so someone would start a rumor about me and make the whole server gang up on me, I'd tell them it was false, but everyone would still avoid me for the next couple days.
I never did anything wrong, but I was always the center of the drama, and when I asked one person, R, why, he said he didn't know and that I didn't deserve so much hate.
About a week later R was talking in the vent channel about how I had manipulated him. I DMed him to ask why, and he told me it was because I asked him if he was my friend. I thought it was fucking stupid because it's not manipulative to be paranoid, but I pretended to be sorry because I didn't want him to be mad at me.
The server also had a bot where you could submit anonymous messages, and lots of people would use that feature to make up things about me to ruin my reputation.
After a while I left the server and only stayed in contact with a few people. However, every couple days another person would tell me I'm a monster and gaslight me into thinking I'm a terrible person, and every time I asked why they hated me they didn't give me an answer.
My only real friend, T, showed me some messages from the others after I left the server, and a bunch of people were making up stories about bad things I had done to them, and people who I had never even spoken to were saying that I had abused them and was dangerous.
Once someone told me thay they understood all the things R had said about me weren't true, but said it was still my fault anyway, and even told me that R had done nothing wrong (he lied about me in front of the entire server and is the reason I lost all my friends, and he yelled at me and called me evil because I was suicidal), and then they accused me of faking having amnesia because I had flashbacks.
Eventually, only four of my "friends" hadn't blocked me, and they almost never talked to me. Everyone kept calling me a terrible person because R spread lies about me and everyone else believed him instead of me.
It was to the point where I couldn't go one day without someone sending me death threats or trying to guilt trip me with false information, and I was getting very sever flashbacks of the stuff R had said to me, and I started failing classes because I couldn't focus on anything.
Eventually I had had enough, so I tagged them all in a tumblr post about how I was going to kill myself and then logged out of both that tumblr account and my old discord account forever.
(Also about a month after I had left, I got texts from irl friends, and it turns out someone on the server found the contact info of people I knew in real life just to ask if I was dead or not. And that scared the shit out of me.)
I've left out a lot of details of the abuse because of amnesia. I have a mental disorder which makes it hard to remember things, plus the brain often blocks out traumatic memories, so I'm sorry if some info feels missing.
The only reason I feel like I might be an asshole is because once I was gone, all of them switched targets and started to harass T. They said they hated him for being on my side, and sent him death threats on anon because he was mad at them for killing his friend. They started treating him the same way they treated me, and called him a horrible person but refused to give a reason as to why, and if I had stayed around they would've left him alone.
@should-be-dead (made a sideblog so I get notified when this is posted)
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hi there chris! since the new year is approaching rapidly, i wanted to ask my favorite creators (that includes you! i love your art!) how they look back on their 2023 tumblr year and which blogs made them happy to be here. i am very happy to follow you and hope you'll have a great 2024! 💘
Hiiii omg this is so sweet and means a lot to me, thank you! 🥺💕
I've been meaning to do a little end-of-the-year shoutout/love post for some of my favorite blogs, so I hope you don't mind if I use your ask as the perfect excuse!
I've had many fun years on tumblr, but this one has been extra special. Falling into the Good Omens fandom and meeting all of you amazing people has made this year so so SO much better than it otherwise would have been, so here are some special shoutouts (apologies, I'm sure this will get long, things like this tend to get away from me, so I'll put it under a read-more)
@majortomyourcurcuitsdead SASHA can you believe I was going to just send you an anon telling you that I think you're cool and leave it at that. Can you believe it. WELL thank Somebody you had your anon turned off and I had to expose myself in your dms because it feels like we just instantly connected about like 20 different things and haven't stopped talking since sskjdfhs anyway I'm so happy I met you you're so fun and so clever and so talented and so enthusiastic and I've only known you for like. What 2 months?? Ish? But I already love you so much <3
@lineffability !!! Line you are so *struggles to find words* you're just great is what you are okay. I feel like you are what happens when somebody takes a big cup and puts six shots of love, chaos, sunshine, talent, fun, and enthusiasm into it, generously sprinkles intelligence on top and gives it a good stir. I don't even remember how or when or why we started talking tbh? But your creativity is so inspiring, and some of my favorite tumblr-moments of this year have been 'yes-and'ing with you about one thing or another in a very >:3 manner hahah so! my point is! i love you lots <3
@dontbotheraziraphale Teeeedddd you're wonderful, I vented at you one time and then we talked for like 2 hours and at the end of that 1 conversation I already considered you a friend - and not just in that "tumblr mutuals who talk 1 time are my friends" kind of way but like. Genuinely. You're so kind and so fun and every time we talk it's such a good time ily a lot my bro my buddy my man <3
@crikey01 Tallulah HI I also completely forgot how we started talking but I remember connecting the dots that you were the one who painted those INSANE black and white and gold oil paintings and the way my jaw dropped like?? BRO you're so talented I admire you so much! And I love that we bonded over stopping each other from masochistically checking certain peoples' blogs... 😂 Anyway you're so sweet and fun and ily lots <3
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The list could probably go on but you four are the people I've talked to most on here and you're the tumblr chat boxes I never close but always just minimize and y'all better see this as the ultimate internet declaration of affection that it Clearly is >:D 💕
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And here are some more shout-outs because I just HAVE to.
Apologies, I know I've already tagged a bunch of you recently in a mutuals appreciation post but. This is my official thank-you-for-2023 post and I just have a lot of love for you all okay sorry feel free to ignore this <3
@rowan-ashtree (i'll text you back soon I promise I'm sorry I just haven't had the brain-space recently ssjkdfh) @crawley-fell (we've never talked but i love you from afar :')) @ineffabildaddy @llokilaufeyson @actual-changeling @saryasy @hyperfocusthusly @beccibarnes @rainbowcrowley @thesherrinfordfacility @goodoldfashionednightingale @wibbly-wobbly-blog @highlyillogicalandroid (i see your data obsession and i agree <3) @tortugay @foolishlovers @stargazing-crowley @gingiekittycat @weasleywrinkles @bildads-shoes @finleycannotdraw @bowtiepastabitch @heytherefluffy @samwwise @nocturnal-birb @athousandyearstime @angelsdiningattheritz @most-normal-eccles-cake-ignorer @jedthesecretdreamer @wraithee @hydrangeadangea @southfarthing @frodo-baggins @mobius-m-mobius
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hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x
#seriously another shout out to my mutuals#id particularly like to say thank you to boom who's always right there for me no matter what's happening or how insane im being#and also everyone in our little discord that wound up having to make a whole new channel for venting#bc i was there so often like 'today's weird ask isssss.... telling me about my cupsize!! rip them to shreds!!!'#hannah and theo especially being there and pushing me to finally turn off anon. war is truly over#and of course rori bc the shamelessness u show when hating on my anon asks has been genuinely really cathartic#sometimes u really do just need a rottweiler mutual to tell random people online to kill themselves 😭#okay weird oscar acceptance speechcore gratitude over. i do just rlly love my mutuals#like i went three years not telling anyone about the worse side of internet popularity for fear of looking spoiled and ungrateful#so for the first time to open up about it and be met with outrage on my behalf and people saying in fact it's MORE fucked up#than i initially realised bc ive grown desensitised to it is. yeah cathartic i guess#they are singlehandedly reassuring me of the good this cursed app still holds#so everyone thank them and send them flowers NOW#okay im done i think. see you guys soon. i truly do want to come back asap bc like i said i NEVER EVEN WANTED TO FUCKING LEAVE#SOME ASSHOLES JUST HAD TO PUT GRENADES ON WHAT I ASSUMED WERE VERY UNIVERSAL AND OBVIOUS BOUNDARIES#if you're reading this like 'ohhh fuck i defo sent something invasive lately. i thought it was a joke/we were friends'#then 1) we arent friends if you're on anon. it immediately creates a power imbalance where you know me and any necessary context#but i have no idea who you are or how much you know about me. that's already a fucked dynamic#and 2) I HOPE YOU FEEL BAD. LIKE GENUINELY I HOPE YOU FEEL AWFUL AND HAVE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF#okay i think that's all. ta-ra lads??? how tf do u end something like this#ive queued this to reblog a couple more times throughout the day
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Soz vent//
God I’m all of a sudden feeling anxious bc so many of my moots are gone. So many I never got the courage to talk to and get to know or just never got a chance to reply back to bc of how goddamn shit I am at holding a conversation. I just feel like I missed out on a chance to be friends with ppl that seemed very sweet. And ik you can’t be friends with everybody but it just makes me anxious not knowing whether they’re ok or not, and if they’ve finally found peace outside of tumblr lol. Like sometimes I feel like I should move on from this site alr especially bc I’ve been on since 2012/2013? Obviously I had other blogs but anyways ik it’s not my job or make it my problem to know whether they’re ok or not but I can’t help and only want to wish them the best. And to anyone who does decide to leave tumblr I hope it’s the best decision for you. Idky im being all sappy n cringe n shi. Idk when I’ll outgrow this place, I’m kinda too scared to leave bc despite all the creeps, weirdos n harassment I’ve gotten, I’ve been lucky enough to get to know a lot of great n sweet ppl. Take care everyone and sorry bout this is just a weird ramble it’s bc of lack of sleep lol
I hope you all have a lovely day/night~
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Hello hello! If it’s all right with you, I would like to vent for a moment: Back in the day, I used to be really into BBC Sherlock. I know it was bad, but it was “Be Gay (solve) Crimes” and I couldn’t resit. One of my favorite parts of the fandom was reading fan metas. I enjoyed reading your ridiculously long meta! I am not very clever and I enjoy reading people noticing things that I can’t. It’s fun watching people passionately pick up clues and put them together.
I don’t think I’m the only one getting superwholock flashbacks lately. Sherlock also tried an unreliable narrator in S4 and it was an absolute shit show. People thought thought the finale was fake, it was so bad. TBH, the entire show was a dumpster fire that thought it was more clever than it was. Moffat was a good writer for single episodes for DW, but a garbage show runner. And they called us crazy for picking up what they were putting down.
But Good Omens gives me a spark of hope. It is unashamedly queer, fun, drinks its respecting women juice, and, unlike moffatiss, I think Neil and the crew may actually be clever enough to pull something big off. I adore the Discworld series and Sir Terry, and I have faith Neil will to do right by him.
Good Omens is restoring my faith in nerdy queer fiction and reminding me why I love fandom so much. Please keep up the crackhead theories. I love them 💕
Thank you, that's very kind!
(Ended up writing a very long reply about the response to my essay and also about queerness in media. Idk why i am writing such long posts these days SORRY LOL. Anyway I'm putting it all beneath the cut so I can tag it without clogging people's dash or the tag pages)
It does make me sigh a little when I see people scornfully comparing my long essay to The Johnlock Conspiracy or saying that they're having Sherlock flashbacks, because the both the contexts of the shows and the methodology of the theorizing are VERY different. To my mind, a more direct comparison of methodology would be the Gravity Falls fandom's "Stan Has A Secret Twin" theory. Writers and showrunners DO like being sneaky and clever from time to time, and many of them are much better at it than Moffat is.
But whether or not my theory is right or not is... kind of irrelevant to me? I wasn't out to force anyone to agree with me, AND writing it was a really fun way to spend a weekend, AND I'm proud of the work I did and the story I told, AND it felt good to have a satisfying workout at the Brain Gym. So even if I'm proven utterly and completely wrong, I won't feel like I wasted my time. :)
Good Omens is a great show, and I am SO HAPPY to see it (and other shows!) embracing queerness, sharing the fans' enthusiasm for the story, and honoring and respecting the fans' love rather than punishing them for it. As more and more time goes on, I think we're going to see more and more shows like that, because some of the people who grew up reading tumblr discourse are going to be showrunners themselves one day, and they'll have learned serious lessons about what it feels like when the audience is met with love rather than disgust and disdain. In fact, we're ALREADY seeing more shows like that than we had 10 years ago! There is so much canonical queerness on-screen these days that the me of 10-15 years ago is ASTONISHED and feels wealthy beyond counting. Of course, there is so much further to go, but man... when i was a kid, we had to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to see two dudes making sustained emotional eye contact, and we were grateful for it. (Jokes but also.... kind of real tho)
We've seen the exact same thing happen in scifi/fantasy publishing in the last seven or eight years, too! (Went off on a long tangent about Queerness In Media from an insider perspective, continuing below a cut so I don't clutter everyone's dash)
Even as recently as 2013--ten years ago--you might not have even been able to get your book published if it was openly gay. Hell, you might not have been able to get an agent to represent it, even. It would have been labeled "unmarketable" and passed over; if it DID get published, the queerness would have been camouflaged and downplayed and hidden in the marketing as much as possible--you wouldn't have known by looking at the cover that it was queer, you wouldn't have been able to tell by reading the back cover that it was queer. In literally 2016, seven years ago, a few months before I got my first book deal, I remember having a conversation with a friend and being very very worried that if I wrote books as queer as I wanted them to be, I would be "pigeonholed" as "ONLY writing Gay Books", that I would be passed over for any of the publisher's marketing budget and publicity efforts, that I would be sidelined and ignored... In 2016, I thought I was facing a choice of writing stories with more "mainstream appeal" OR writing the books I wanted to write and potentially undermining the rest of my career.
That didn't happen, thankfully, because in the next couple years there was this incredible explosion of queer scifi/fantasy. You see, ten to fifteen years ago, a truly stunning percentage of my colleagues -- writers, editors, publicists -- were writing and reading fanfic, and they carried their tastes and story-hungers with them as they grew up and got Real Adult Jobs at publishing companies. And suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a lot of us came of age all at once and there was this absolutely enormous wave of queer SFF that in my opinion has brought us into a new golden age of the genre: The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir, The Chorus of Dragons series by Jenn Lyons, She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker Chan, Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie, The Tensorate series by Neon Yang, Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki, The City in the Middle of the Night by Charlie Jane Anders, the Birdverse books by RB Lemberg, The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickenson, The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri, Reforged by Seth Haddon, The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps by Kai Ashante Wilson, Ocean's Echo by Everina Maxwell, The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin -- and these only the ones I could remember off the top of my head in 30 seconds, and I have a flavor of ADHD that makes my brain go blank when people ask me to think of specific examples of things! It is harder for me to think of a SFF book published in the last 7 years that ISN'T queer.
And then almost exactly a year ago, my book A Taste of Gold and Iron came out with THIS COVER:
Which. Is not so much a step forward in openly queer SFF as it is a fucking gauntlet thrown down in challenge. I cannot impress upon you strongly enough how much I would not have gotten this cover 10 years ago, and that's if the book was even accepted for publication in the first place. This cover SCREAMS gay fantasy romance. There is no attempt to hide it or camouflage it. It is advertising exactly what it is, right up front.
I got the absolute privilege and honor of having this cover--and I do consider it an incredible honor--because of the work that all my colleagues put in with their own work. Each queer book that got published wedged the door a little wider for the next one, and then a little wider still for the next one, until finally someone could get their foot in the door and squeeze across the threshold, which opened it a little wider again. So when I look at this image, I don't just see a beautiful cover that I am delighted to have on my books--I see an entire history of slow, steady progress by so many incredible writers who risked damaging their careers just to drag us to a point where a book as gay as this one could get a cover as gay as that one and STILL get the full and enthusiastic support of both the publisher and the audience. And the most incredible honor and the most humbling privilege out of all of this is the fact that the success of this book meant that the door was wedged open another little bit, that I got to contribute in this small way to the efforts of everyone who came before me, so that ones who come after us will find the door flung wide -- or that there's no door left at all to block the way, because we've collectively torn it down.
So yes, @eyona, I think that having your faith restored little by little is a very good thing, and I am delighted that Good Omens is doing that for all of us. And what's even better is that even if Good Omens doesn't play out exactly how we want it to, that's... kind of okay? Because there is always the next one, and at the very very least, Good Omens is wedging the door open further so that the next one can have an easier time of it. We don't have to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to get a moment of emotionally charged eye contact anymore. We don't have to starve anymore, not like we used to back in the bad old days. And that alone is a wonderful thing. :D
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hey dolli i have never come on here before but I just want to let go of some pent up feelings I’ve been surprising for about a month now. I’m feeling very insecure about entering the void. I feel this method is something that’s better for me because it is just like sleeping but also I can wake up with my desires instantly. Before I was confident about entering because I entered before even twice but ever since I haven’t been able to enter. I’ve been reading success stories to keep me moto busted but I stopped because it made me feel useless and like a failure💀 because if they can do it why can’t I? No but seriously I’m confused why I can’t enter or wake up in it anymore. I’ve been persisting in affirming and listening to tapes but today I just feel like an idiot. The closest I’ve been to entering was the night before yesterday which was the 6 dec and I could feel myself being lifted up but then I went back down again. I tried again but then I went back down again even though I decided to focus on my affirmations. I can’t help but feel I’m not meant to have my desires and I’m just supposed to stay here and deal with it. I’m sorry I just wanted to vent because I feel so defeated today.
HELLO THERE LOVE 💗
it's completely alright to let your feelings out, I definitely understand how you feel
The fact you mentioned you feel like you could "enter" before but can't do it now?
Sometimes, overconsumption can affect us hard, when you take took much information about it, the more you do, the more you make it sound complicated for you
just imagine! It's simply nothing, nothing special at all, it's a state where you just feel floaty, which we always get in it every night!
AND IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU THAT YOU COULD FEEL INTENSE SYMPTOMS
Believe me, I'm not saying this only to cheer you up, I'm actually being serious, you're literally so so close, but the only obstacles holding you back is insecurities
Which is completely fine, honestly I might suggest you staying away from them Tumblr for a short while if you could? Don't read anything about it too much, but also don't force yourself NOT to think about it too much
Simply act like it's something that's always with you, it's nothing special as it is, putting it on a pedestal is something hard for you
And yes you're absolutely right, if others can then why not you? Because you can, you most definitely can, in fact, these success stories are those same individual who had the exact same feelings and phase as yours
They felt useless on the fact that they can't enter, when now you're reading their success stories? You can see most of them say: ("I swear it's so easy, I don't know how I made it so complicated! - I can't believe I could tap in any night and I made it so complicated for myself - I thought it was fake because of how I couldn't enter but I did!")
You see? This feeling you are having is nothing more than a mere obstacle, because I swear you're literally so close, THE FACT IS, ITS LIKE A SWITCH, ON AND OFF
all you need to do is to simply toggle it
anyways! I suggest you stay away from Tumblr or any social media for a bit and recharge yourself and your confidence, even though it's not necessary but I highly suggest it, to help your confidence sky rocket
In these days of no Tumblr and overconsumption, work on you and yourself, rant about how everything comes in your favor, tell yourself on and on how you love yourself and all the work you did, tell yourself you're going to make it and you trust yourself to make it, in short, love yourself
Find happiness in even smallest things, whenever you get reminded that "you can't enter" laugh about this thought, genuinely think it's nothing more than a intrusive thought, gently push it away, because it's simply not true
In short, detox yourself and your subconscious, do anything you like to detox yourself, simply charge yourself, listen to a subliminal if you want to! Suggesting a self concept one
I swear once you work on your self concept, everything will follow easily, and honestly self concept is so much fun to take the stress away! It's simply loving yourself and telling yourself everything is to your favor because you love yourself
Believe me love, you're not useless, at least everyone had this feeling when trying to enter, you're not a failure in it, because it's simply in every human, accessing it is like nothing more special that it seems, why do you think I say the void isn't special? Because you are special, being blessed by the knowledge of the void, you can most definitely do it, love, take a small break and love yourself, don't be too harsh on yourself 💗
#dolli memories posts!#void state#void#manifesting#subconciousmind#void challenge#subliminals#manifesation#law of assumption
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questionnaire results that i didnt forget about at all
im okay so i forgot and then forgot again a few times. ANYWAY. enjoy the results!!
i cant post every written answer, so heres my favourite :)
whats your favourite animal, be as specific as possible
Peregrine Falcon
domestic cat! specifically MY cats but any cat will do
your mom
Black bear. One tried to walk into my house recently and he was really cute but I had to tell him no :( (ARE YOU OK?)
Dumbo octopus
fancy rats
honestly i’ve always been too scared to settle on one animal as a favorite, because it feels like a question with no satisfying answer. like if i had to be honest it’s probably dogs? because i’ve grown up around them, they’re an animal i like beyond just aesthetic purposes. but when you hear this sort of question, you wonder if the asker wants to hear about something exotic, some random interest that caught the interviewees eye at a young age and never left their conscious. anyways i think it’s probably house cats
rainbow trout, luzon-bleeding hearts, and horses.. dogs too
emperor penguin
any type of liddol snake. I love them so
sea sheep
Long eared Jerboa
(most people chose cat)
george (42,5%)
second place with also a lot of votes (37%)
sapnap (45,7%)
dream (44,1%)
this is my favourite question and i cant believe i misspelled it
you can put two of your mutuals against each other in a fight. who do you chose
i can’t answer this they all hate one another it’s too real. bellaya (bellaya was the most popular answer)
Lost and Kiuda. There can only be one (one of what)
Can I just give loyal a nice spa day? I'd like to give loyal a nice spa day
violence is never the answer
🤦🏻♂️🤣
i would fight them all myself obviously
I fear that no matter who I put here they'd just give up and make out instead
I only have two moots I joined tumblr a day ago help (i wonder how this person likes it here so far)
Nunki "demonstars" vs Nov "sueñitos" for La Velada 2024
no fighting…. sharika shakira
Gogciety v powergnf battle of the golos
im giving you a gun with only one bullet. what do you do (vent section) (while a lot of answers made me laugh a lot im gonna skip ones that can get us in trouble LMAO. but remember you made ME laugh)
Listen would killing q give us usmp back? No. Would it make me feel SO MUCH BETTER??????? YES!!!!!! (i mean obv q took like half of the shots. the other popular answer was just lining everyone)
I give it to Sapnap. He has made it clear he will kill for Dream god bless
am i given a time machine? can i shoot someone already dead? does it have to be someone reasonably killable? the answer to these questions is irrelevant because no matter what i want it to be steve jobs.
shoot at internet cable
going to british land and the first dumbass cc i see gets it
use it to open a jar because my hands are very weak and im too embarrassed to ask anyone else to open it for me
only one :(?
Lay it carefully on the ground.
hand it to George he could judge more fairly than I (and hope he doesn't shoot Sapnap)
i send the gun and bullet to the dteam house as a secret gift with a note explaining that it's for sapnap and george only, and a letter stating to pass extras to the rest of the munchy squd. if we all donate our weapons to them, they'll be able to shoot all of dream's haters. the only obstacle is dream himself, which is why he can't know what's in the box.
Give it to gnf&sapnap and watch them fight over it
(IM SORRY I FORGOR....)
top drolo 2023 - ones i forgot about
punz
hannah
puffy
bbh
squidkid
Radio statio guy
SYLVEEYYYY
illumina
me. sorryyr i dont mean that
you (im soo not BUT THANK YOU)
I think all munchies deserve this spot, theyre all the best drolos :(( i love them
powergpu guy (jesse)
george deserves it tbh for slut smp (that is true, but i excluded snf bc i was afraid they will sweep...)
shadoune
LARRAY
Lil nas X
THATS ALL. thank you everyone who took part in this AND ONCE AGAIN IM SORRY I FORGOT ABOUT IT.... ill be better next time o7
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hey I'm gonna talk about something that has to do with something serious from my childhood. its actually not about anything that happened to me but it still hangs over me. trigger warning for rape below
when I was a kid my dad lived in an apartment across from a family who had a daughter who was about the age of my brother from my dad's side. big clarification here everything I say is NOT about the brothers I usually mention on here those are the ones from my mom's side who are both good people who haven't hurt anyone. that's always a thing I worry about when I talk about this brother because I don't want people to confuse him with them.
anyways when I was a kid my brother and his friend raped our neighbors daughter after getting her drunk. it was something I didn't understand at the time especially because he was always getting in trouble but that I realized when I was older. their daughter was always kind to me when I was young. I remember her sitting in the grass with me outside the apartment and showing me her cockatiel. I worry that...her time spent with me hurts her now because of what my brother did. I also worry that maybe being with me made her trust my family too much but I don't think that was the case. even so it makes me really upset to think about what he did to her. I hate my brother and I just pray that's the only time he hurt someone in that way. I feel so sad thinking about what he did to this poor girl. augh...I have a doctors appointment coming up and I think I need to seriously start talking about therapy. I don't wanna keep using this blog/my private twitter as my only place where I can talk in detail about my childhood. I have some serious stuff I really need to work through. I just hate how much of my childhood is now a burning wound. my formerly precious memories are ruined. its a heartbreak thats hard to explain unless you've gone through the same thing. I've said this before but in a lot of ways I feel a bit mentally stuck in the period of my life before my brothers had to leave when I was 5 and when the abuse from my parents began to happen. I feel like an adult in my everyday life but I think the abuse really impaired my growth. I think its common for people to miss their childhood but sometimes I think there's something more serious going on with me. blaaaaaah sorry for using my steven universe themed tumblr to vent about this stuff its all I haaaaaaaave
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I don't know. I'm strugglin to keep goin n all-- I feel like stuff would just be easier if I didn't have this identity at all and I don't know if transitioning would ever be worth it.
I understand how much being comfortable should help but the risk is so high and the shit I'm already getting is only going to get worse--- I'm barely even out, I just get shit for being a feminine "guy" on it's own- The people I have come out to seem to have forgotten or don't care, and the ones who do are counties or continents away.
I feel really alone. being around other trans people helps and me bein on tumblr recently is part of that-- but even then I just cant shake this feeling that the majority of everyone will never believe or understand me just existing-- I don't even know if I want this enough, I can handle feeling a bit envious or uncomfortable I guess- especially when the alternative means getting shoved outta jobs, social circles, and always just being off and weird and embarrassing
I just don't know or understand what I'm doing and where I am rn in life there are just so many other things that are more important and it's all getting in the way of eachother--- I just don't know what to do.
Coming out is a whole new thing too--- Especially with my parents, I have a sister who came out as trans last year and shit has just been awful with everythin to do with her and I just don't wanna lose the relationships I have with my parents and siblings like she did. The awkwardness and weirdness and the way you can see nobody else sees it in her-- I just can't deal with that. I don't wanna be a disappointment or an embarrassment and I know I will be to them. I really really love my parents and this might be character assassination but I just know how they get with all this stuff.
I feel like I'm behind or an outcast or failure in like everything and people are assuring me that I'm doing well and I don't feel it at all. I'm just scared and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry I vented so much here, I really really didn't mean to.. please don't respond to this unless you really really want to- I just wanted to get this out somewhere-- thank you so much for offering this holyshit
Ok well I am responding cos I do rly rly want to and ur amazing <333
And don’t be sry at allll it’s what the blog is for girly 😊
I mean u dont have to know ur gender or anything at all now I mean there’s still lots of time, and feelings change and that’s fine but if like u’ve felt a way for like a while then it’s prob true, and u prob shouldn’t js bury it cos u could ‘deal with it’ cos then it could grow and js get worse and Yh. I rly get like pple not caring or rly believing u :( cos ‘u haven’t acted this way before’ that’s what I was told atleast. It’s horrible Ik but I mean if they act that easy they probably aren’t amazing pple anyway.
And ofc darling there is absolutely no pressure to know where u r in life like I defo don’t and maybe taking things one step at a time might help? Like starting with the things most important to u.
And I mean also in the wise words of aled last u don’t owe it to pple to come out to them, and if ur parents rly love you the worse that might happen is they don’t believe u at first but u can prove it to them if ur certain like that’s how u feel when u transition
And I mean Yh I defo know what being scared and not knowing what to do feels like hehe, js I think try and find the things that make u happy and focus on doing those things more than the things that ur a ‘failure’ in which im sure isn’t true cos ur amazing, and ik this’ll be js another reassurance u won’t believe but I do so, ur not an outcast here ur accepted and loved and like there r so many pple who would support u no matter how u feel abt urslef or gender (me included obvi :) )
Anywya sry if this didn’t rly help but um Yh I rly hope it did and rly sry if like u didn’t even want this reply at all and dww it didn’t like annoy me at all I’m glad u could get it out :)) <333
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Continuation from my last post.. Rant/Vent warning, I need to get my feelings across somehow, read at your own discretion..
🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸
Its honestly just sickening to me that this platform that I've been trying to grow in for the past like, 2 years supports fucking genocide.. and just for the record! I've been retweeting the genocide of Palestine on my secret twit account to hell and back, so yeah I'm not gonna be silent about this bullshit!! to some degree.. sorry I haven't been doing that here too as much btw, but anyway..
It genitally pisses me off how this is even allowed in the first place, Israel is commiting war crime after war crime bombing hospitals and ambulances! Palestine even had to resort to useing horses again, which so surprise! Israel ALSO ending up shutting down.. LITERAL ANIMALS!! THEY AREN'T EVEN SAFE FROM ALL OF THIS!!!
the amount of pain I've saw over the past few months of footage of the people of Palestine suffering is breaking me too! People losing their family's! The ruins of Gaza. the lack of resources. And on top of all of that Having to witness surgery performed on them WITHOUT ANESTHESIA!! MOSTLY HAPPENING TO KIDS MIND YOU, LITERAL FUCKING CHILDREN!!!!!
And Israel is claiming it's "self defense" EVEN THOUGH THATS FAR FROM IT!! THEY ARE TARGETING THE KIDS, WHO DOSE THAT!!!!! THE AMOUNT OF MALAISE I HAVE FOR ISRAEL NOW OVER MOUNTS MY HATRED FOR PIKACHU, which reminder I HATE A LOT!!!!!!!!!
And everywhere I go I can't escape inadvertently supporting the genocide.. literally everything I know supports it to some degree.. like i cant even have fun with some legos without being reminded that they support this too! I'm not gonna bother to namedrop anything else, mainly cuz I'm getting tired from typing all of this shit but you get the point..
To end things off just know that I'm doing everything in my power to not support Israel, and know that I fully side with Palestine and all of the other countries that Israel has spat on.. and just to make things clear I'm not deleting my Tumblr account.. I can only support it if I buy something from here (I think, idk how site stuff works) so yeah..
Sorry you had to read all of that but I just needed to get all of that out.. Fuck Israel!!
From the river to the sea, Palestine WILL be free!!!!!!!!!!!
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This is a story of something that just happened to me right now but it has 0 base in reality (you’ll know more if you read it) but I needed to vent about it to someone and my friends are all at work RN (lame) so I’m turning to my friends on tumblr.
WARNING: discussed are paranoia, ghosts, flesh pedestrians/skin walkers - do not interact if this is not your jam. IT’S NOT MY JAM EITHER BUT ITS HAPPENING TO ME (cue paranoia)
Ok so we all already know that I’m a Dumb Bitch(TM) who spends too much time on TikTok, instagram, the likes, and I have somehow fallen into the paranormal side of the internet.
Don’t ask, I don’t know.
Anyways, I had just been watching a series on TikTok about a house in Wales called Hell Fire (but in Welsh, I cannot remember the name, I’m sorry) which has been described as the Welsh version of the Amityville house. The Hell Fire house talked a lot about ghosts/poltergeists etc consuming or idk feeding off of the electricity from the house. OK?
Now, stay with me.
Last week I watched some videos on instagram about flesh pedestrians/skin walkers which are…idk….entities that take on the form of a human and use the cries and screams of their last victim to LURE THEIR NEXT VICTIM fuck sakes it’s even freaky just talking about it. Ok…so…
This is very similar to a folklore of some of the Indigenous populations of Turtle Island - where I reside - who are called the W*nd*go (if you say the name too many times, you’re inviting them into your space, hence the censorship).
NOW - KEEPING IN MIND THAT THIS IS THE CONTENT I HAD BEEN CONSUMING LITERALLY MOMENTS BEFORE THIS ALL HAPPENED.
So, I’m getting ready to leave my apartment to head to class. My cat went and hid under the blankets on my bed which is not unusual - the hallway scares her - so she hides I’m assuming until I’ve left or, perhaps more heartbreaking, until I’ve returned. I get into the hallway and my neighbours - a young couple - are already waiting for the elevator so I stand and wait.
Now, please note that this apartment is brand new - the building is completely new, everything about it is well built - so well insulated i honestly would never know i even HAD neighbours if i didn’t see them sometimes. BRAND NEW. Nothing has ever broken or anything.
So, we all clamour into the elevator which is already AWKWARD cuz I feel like an uninvited 3rd wheel, and I step on and wait (the doors take forever to close behind us) and the elevator door SLAMMED shut…..like…..I’ve never had ANY elevator door slam before….should be impossible? And I wasn’t the only one who noticed like the couple we spooked too and were like “what the fuck??? That’s never happened before what the hell was that???”
Anyway, I move closer to them cuz I’m like “fuck that, I’m your adopted child now, protect me” and we make it down to the bottom floor to the parking lot which is outside like open air parking lot.
It’s the middle of the day, okay, and there are a few abandoned buildings behind us but there is a really active and popular walking trail behind those and I live right on the harbour so beyond the trail is just ocean. Okay?
We’re all walking to our cars and we hear this BLOOD CURDLING male scream….and I KNOW the couple heard it too because they paused and looked at each other like “what the fuck???”
But me, knowing fucking better, followed the Indigenous peoples rules: MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
Heard a flesh pedestrian screaming? No you didn’t.
Think you saw something? No you didn’t.
I run to my car and jump in, lock the doors behind me and I fucking left.
Guys….
I HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY APARTMENT LATER.
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Ramblings!
Gotta vent, sorry.
You know, it is not just mildly frustrating to spend hours taking screenshots, editing them, carefully arranging them and then scheduling them to share with this fandom to then have the post completely disappear from the face of the earth as soon as it's supposed to be published - it is infuriating!
It only shows up on my page, not even on my dash and isn't seen anywhere under any tags! I can't even see my own posts on my dashboard - and it seems to be laggy anyway, since yesterday I feel.
I'm just mad, sorry. So much time and effort for basically nothing bugs me more than I care to admit. I could say that I take these screenshots for my own pleasure, like I write solely for myself, but let's be real: I want to share these things with others! I want to contribute, bring joy, do anything to share my passion with others who think alike. (I just want to be seen, okay tumblr??? Lemme be seen!)
And having that taken away just sucks. Maybe it's just a normal weekend on tumblr where it's usually slower, but I don't know. Not seeing my own posts on my dash doesn't feel right at all. (Could it have anything to do with the type of content I post? Who knows, but it's a weird timing to affect me now...)
I hope this will sort itself out soon. I have so many posts planned, but now I'm afraid to post anything! I don't want it to fall into the abyss to never be seen again!
Rant over, I guess. Didn't help much tbh. Lemme go back into the shadows now.
(Edit: Well, the post is there now, 1,5 hours after it was published. I don't get it. Still mad though, not gonna delete this now.)
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This is going to sound weird, but do you have any tips on how to gain traction as a fanfic writer? I've been trying for years and I get next to no interaction on my writing. I know I shouldn't care because I should be writing for myself, but it's still frustrating to see other writers get thousands of notes, and reblogs and asks praising their fics and I get maybe 20 likes. I've been looking into discord fandom groups but a lot of them don't allow people over 30, and I don't do well with busy groups anyway. I try to be active on my blog, and interact with other people and make myself approachable, but I'm getting so incredibly tired of talking to an empty space. Sorry, I think I ended up venting instead >_<
WARNING: DISCOURSE AHEAD
Omg hello my love!! First of all, I'm so sorry you feel this way! I have so many conflicting thoughts on this, let me try to get them in order for you!!
I guess, let me first start with some tips that I think actually answer your question, and then I'll just monologue about the ways I've been thinking about fandom recently, and you can skip that part if you wanna!
Part 1: Actual Thoughts on Your Question (lol)
I am possibly not in the best position to ask about this because I mostly happened to be in the right place at the right time, publishing my fics in the early part of the pandemic when people were more actively engaging in the fandom. But in my experience, outside of discord groups, other good ways to meet people and get your work out there are joining zines & collabs.
I'm not completely up-to-date with what the accounts are now that track these things, but there are several tumblrs and twitter accounts like BNHA Zines that exist to retweet & publicize zine posts. Look for zines that are in the interest check & application stages!! You can apply during the application phase and the good thing is that most zines will ask for an application piece and will judge you on your work rather than your follower count!!
Collabs are usually even easier because many of them are just open to whoever wants to join! I've only participated in server collabs but I've seen several posts cross my dash that are open to anyone. I'd probably monitor the collaboration and x reader tags on tumblr and join in on anything that looks fun!!
Another thing that I've noticed people do a lot is self-reblog their fics a couple times just to maximize their circulation. I've seen a lot of moots trying to make sure they hit good hours for different time zones and different days of the week to ensure their followers are at least aware that they've posted something if they don't have notifs on (I don't have notifs on so I'm grateful for these because otherwise I miss a lot!!). Even I have srb'd a time or two if I'm particularly proud of something lol.
And I think, if I also wanted to be a shark about things, I would try to get in on the ground floor of a fandom in its early stages!! For example, the second season of JJK is coming out soon and it's sure to bring a wave of new readers to the JJK fandom, especially for the characters like Gojo and Getou who look like they're gonna be the main focus of the season.
I think if you wanted to be extra sharp about things, you might time a fic release with some of the first couple episodes of a new season where you can be sure more people than usual will be poking around in the tags!! And if your fic is published during the early stages of a fandom, it's going to have more eyes on it overall than a fic published towards the conclusion of the series.
Anyway this is what I could think of. I hope this advice is practical and useful!! Now onto me blathering.
Part 2: Resisting Influencer Culture in Fandom Spaces
This part might be kind of controversial. I want to first acknowledge how easy it is for me to think and say these sorts of things when I'm already more than pleased with the amount of engagement I get. And I want to recognize that it is so, so deeply human to want recognition, community, and support for the things that we write.
I think it is so completely natural that you want interaction on your writing. All of us totally do, otherwise we wouldn't be publishing it publicly. If our work was truly, singularly for us and us alone, we'd keep it in the drafts lol. We put it out there hoping for praise and appreciation and connection, and in my opinion there is no shame in that.
So, admission time: I also definitely compare myself to other writers, and I have several times thought about transitioning more towards the type of content that drives higher note counts on tumblr: smuttier one-shots usually under 10k! I can see a huge difference in terms of just my own work on how my one-shots typically do in comparison to chaptered fics. And I definitely see how fast smutty imagines shoot up there in terms of note count.
But I was listening to a podcast episode recently on trying to sort of transition away from a metrics-focused approach to fandom. In the podcast, they talk about how in trying to legitimize fanfic as a literary mechanism, we've also sort of accidentally subjected it to our capitalist-influencer-mindset, where we see fic as more legitimate the more kudos it gets or the more followers it nets you, because in traditional influencer spaces, those followers are potential capital.
I'm definitely not saying you or I see people as potential revenue streams, but I think probably neither of us are immune to the culture at large, and we both probably carry some of internalized sense of our own value based on metrics, reach, and influence. And that sucks!!!!
Fandom, of all things, is supposed to be a specifically anti-capitalist space. We can't make money off of fanfic or fanart (legally, anyway lol), and we're all not the owners of the franchises either so none of our takes are necessarily more "valid" or weightier than others!! We're all supposed to just be trading stories around a campfire with no thought to their literary merit or monetary value. We're just supposed to enjoy the stories.
So, I don't know what the right answer is about how to try to resist the influences of our capitalist culture at large; I'm hoping someone smarter than me will tell me. But I do know that in fanfic, the value of your story can absolutely never be determined by how much engagement you get. Because fandom is not about metrics, and there is no inherent value in metrics. There is only the fun you had creating the story, and the depth of the connection you made with someone over it--even if that's just one other person.
And so I personally am at least trying to resist the lure of transitioning to smutty one-shots even though I think a lot of people would like that. Because what I like doing is writing my little 30k multi-chaps; those are my fave kinds of stories to tell, I'm not letting my metrics tell me what I should be writing.
I hope, at the very least, you know that your worth and the value of your story is not defined by how many other people have read it. And if you ever wanna chat more about this let me know, I'm still figuring this all out myself and could use friends to explore it with!!
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