#SOME ASSHOLES JUST HAD TO PUT GRENADES ON WHAT I ASSUMED WERE VERY UNIVERSAL AND OBVIOUS BOUNDARIES
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hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x
#seriously another shout out to my mutuals#id particularly like to say thank you to boom who's always right there for me no matter what's happening or how insane im being#and also everyone in our little discord that wound up having to make a whole new channel for venting#bc i was there so often like 'today's weird ask isssss.... telling me about my cupsize!! rip them to shreds!!!'#hannah and theo especially being there and pushing me to finally turn off anon. war is truly over#and of course rori bc the shamelessness u show when hating on my anon asks has been genuinely really cathartic#sometimes u really do just need a rottweiler mutual to tell random people online to kill themselves 😭#okay weird oscar acceptance speechcore gratitude over. i do just rlly love my mutuals#like i went three years not telling anyone about the worse side of internet popularity for fear of looking spoiled and ungrateful#so for the first time to open up about it and be met with outrage on my behalf and people saying in fact it's MORE fucked up#than i initially realised bc ive grown desensitised to it is. yeah cathartic i guess#they are singlehandedly reassuring me of the good this cursed app still holds#so everyone thank them and send them flowers NOW#okay im done i think. see you guys soon. i truly do want to come back asap bc like i said i NEVER EVEN WANTED TO FUCKING LEAVE#SOME ASSHOLES JUST HAD TO PUT GRENADES ON WHAT I ASSUMED WERE VERY UNIVERSAL AND OBVIOUS BOUNDARIES#if you're reading this like 'ohhh fuck i defo sent something invasive lately. i thought it was a joke/we were friends'#then 1) we arent friends if you're on anon. it immediately creates a power imbalance where you know me and any necessary context#but i have no idea who you are or how much you know about me. that's already a fucked dynamic#and 2) I HOPE YOU FEEL BAD. LIKE GENUINELY I HOPE YOU FEEL AWFUL AND HAVE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF#okay i think that's all. ta-ra lads??? how tf do u end something like this#ive queued this to reblog a couple more times throughout the day
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Chocolate kisses
Just a little valentines one shot based in the universe of the long fic i’m working on “willow”
Summery: Valentines day is coming up and Lily has the perfect plan to win Kaidan’s heart: homemade chocolate
AO3 Link
"Aughhh!" Lily yelled, resulting in a very alarmed Aiden dashing into their kitchen.
"What? What's wrong?" He asked, concerned.
Lily slammed the pan of what he assumed was chocolate down onto the counter, she had been holed up in their apartment all day and wouldn't tell him why "What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to bake." She said, glaring at the pan.
"Bake what?"
Lily tensed up "Nothing, none of your business!"
Aiden picked up her pink recipe book, looking at the page it was opened on "Heart shaped dark chocolate...I didn't know you had a boyfriend." It's not like he was privy to every aspect of her life but they told each other everything and after Nate she had practically ruled out relationships.
Lily blushed, yanking the book from him "I don't."
"Then who are you making it for?"
Lily crossed her arms looking away from him "Maybe it's for you and you ruined the surprise."
"Me?"
"Yeah, you always get me flowers so why can't I give you something?"
"You cook for me every year and besides I hate dark chocolate."
"Well then maybe it's for me!"
"You hate dark chocolate."
"Ugh! Listen, did you just come in to interrogate me?"
"No, I came in because I was worried, you're the one being difficult."
"Fine! I'm making it for someone happy?"
"Who?"
"Why does it matter?"
Aiden shrugged "I'm just curious."
"Well...don't be!" She turned him around, pushing him out of the kitchen. "Now why don’t you focus on your own love life and leave me alone." Lily huffed walking back into the kitchen, leaving Aiden standing in their living room confused.
As much as it aggravated her to admit Aiden was right, she was trying to make chocolate for someone and that someone was her fellow soldier and sentinel, Kaidan Alenko. It was stupid, they weren't dating and she wasn't even sure he liked her so why she was stressing herself like this she didn't know but she was bad with words and everyone liked getting chocolates on valentines day right?
Lily gasped, what if he had a girlfriend? He hadn't mentioned anything but he was also a private person so he probably wouldn't have anyway. Lily fixed her ponytail "Whatever, if he puts all my good work to waste I'll kill him, asshole." She grumbled as she went back to work.
Kaidan shuddered "You okay LT?" Ashley asked.
"Yeah, just a sudden chill." He told her, a troubled look on his face.
"You know they often say that happens when someone is talking about you, maybe Lily is the reason?" She teased. Ashley knew about Lily and Kaidan's respective crushes on each other, her only problem was she couldn't tell either of them. Lily was her best friend and if she wanted her to keep it a secret she would and Ashley was no gossip but damn if it wasn't hard.
Kaidan rolled his eyes "Please, she doesn't even like me."
Oh if only he knew "Then why did you drag me, her best friend on to the Citadel just to pick out a gift for her huh?" Kaidan was silent "if you truly believed she didn't like you, any old box of chocolate would do, wouldn't it?"
"Just tell me what kind of flowers she likes."
"Aiden already gets her flowers."
Kaidan sighed "Of course…"
"She likes stuffed animals though.” Ashley informed him.
"You're kidding." Her? Miss shoot up a colony just because they don't have the time to throw a couple gas grenades. She collects stuffed animals?
Ashley shook her head "Swear on my life, she has quite the collection."
"If you say so." If anyone were to know it’d either be Ashley or Aiden and he certainly wasn’t about to ask him how to win his sister’s heart.
"Come on, I'll even help you pick one out." Ashley grabbed his wrist and pulled him over to shelves filled to the brim with pink, red and white stuffed toys.
"They're cute but they all have 'I love you' written on them." He said as he put one back on the shelf.
"Well are they wrong?" She pried.
"I'm not answering that." Kaidan picked up a white dog with red hearts all over it "aren't hearts a little...forward?"
"Kaidan."
He looked over at her "Yeah?"
"It's Valentine's Day, that's the whole point." Kaidan was definitely the endearingly awkward type and Lily was just awkward. They'd be a match made in heaven if they'd just knock it off and be honest with each other.
"Success!" Lily cried out collapsing to her knees on the kitchen floor, exhaustion finally washing over her. She had been trapped in her kitchen all morning and afternoon trying to get this chocolate to mold correctly and she finally did. "I'm never fucking making chocolate again." She said as she stood up "so he better enjoy it while he can."
Lily hummed happily as she set the heart shaped candy into a small pink box, wrapping a bow around it, trying to push the thought that Kaidan may not feel the same way to the back of her mind "It's fine, I'll just order a heart shaped pizza and cry alone while Aiden has a nice evening with Liara It's okay." She laughed to herself, aware of how crazy she probably sounded. She hoped that didn’t happen but she stopped being an optimist a long time ago.
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Kaidan sat at the table in the mass hall, the stuffed dog he had gotten for Lily laid in front of him, he felt silly as he waited for her to finish getting ready, the rest of the crew was either on dates or at Flux but he had stayed behind to wait for her. Kaidan might have sorta kinda forgot to ask her out on a date so he had to do it last minute when she probably already had one. He was an adult he could handle rejection, it would suck but he’d get over it, he just needed to get it out of the way so he could get over it. Kaidan gently flicked the dog's ear “Hopefully she’ll think you’re cute enough to forget that she hates me.” at least that’s what she liked to tell him, she was aloof one day but flirted with him the next it made no sense, Ashley liked to tease him by saying he didn’t understand women but maybe he just didn’t understand Lily. It’s not that she was all that easy to read.
Lily peaked over at Kaidan from behind the elevator, her hands behind her back holding the pink box containing the chocolate she made for him, he had a present in front of him too, they were the only two left on the ship was it for her? She didn’t want to assume things but she really hoped it was, she had fantasizing all day in between bouts of chocolate related anger. Taking a deep breath and steeling herself she slowly walked over to him “Kaidan?”
He looked up upon hearing his name, breath catching in his throat at the sight of her, he had never seen her in a skirt before and her gorgeous raven black hair was out of its usual tight ponytail and instead tied into a braid laid over her bare shoulders. At the age of thirty-two here he was blushing like a school boy on valentines day because of his CO’s younger sister. When was the last time he was on shore leave? “Lily you...uh...you look beautif-nice! You look very nice…” he said as he stood up to greet her, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
Any other time she would’ve teased him but not now, she didn’t feel like it now, it’s not that she wanted a relationship really, she hadn’t for a long time but she didn’t want to have a just sex relationship with him either, ignoring the fact Kaidan wasn’t the type, what she felt for him wasn’t just physical attraction it went deeper and that terrified her. “I uh...I made these for you.” she said, blushing as she handed him the box of candy.
“You made it?” He asked, surprised as he opened the box.
“Yeah, it’s always a hit or miss with store bought chocolate so I thought i’d give it a try.” she told him as she started tugging on her skirt, the ship suddenly feeling very hot and the more she thought about it the more she realized homemade, heart shaped chocolate may have been too forward.
Kaidan smiled down at her “Thank you Lily, I can’t wait to try them,” he turned around, picking up the dog and holding it out to her “I got you something too, I had heard you liked stuffed animals so…” now it was his turn to blush.
Lily’s face lit up “For me?” she gently took the stuffed down in her hands, looking at it briefly before hugging it to her chest with a smile on her face “I love it, thank you!” Kaidan had never seen her smile, not at him anyway all he got was a smirk at most but not this time, this time she gave him a genuine smile and it was gorgeous. Kaidan didn’t know her history, he didn’t know why she rarely smiled but he wanted to. It’s not like he was big on smiling either but someone like Lily...someone like her deserved to always be happy, to always smile from the bottom of her heart, even if he wasn’t the reason behind it.
“I know it’s very last minute but if you don’t have a date I would like to take you to dinner.” It had been a long time since he had asked someone on a date, probably before he even enlisted and he hadn’t anticipated doing it again for a long time yet here he was jittery with butterflies in stomach as he asked the woman he had a crush on out on a date. God crush...such a juvenile term for him to use but that was the best way to describe it and for as much as they bickered it was probably a long shot but something deep down told him he’d regret it if he didn’t.
“I’d love to, I actually didn’t have any plans either.” She was hoping he’d give her some but she wasn’t going to say that out loud.
Kaidan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding “Great, that’s uh...great.” he hadn’t planned past this mainly because he hadn’t anticipated her saying yes but before he could trip over his words again Lily took his hand, pulling him along.
“There’s a restaurant I've been wanting to try but I haven’t had anyone to go with.” She said, it was an obvious lie, she could’ve dragged Aiden along but she didn’t because she was holding out hope that she’d be able to go with Kaidan, they weren’t dating, not even a little so to have such hope was silly but she was nothing if not a hopeless romantic, a side of herself she hadn’t seen in a long time.
“What restaurant?” He asked as he was rather willingly led up the stairs.
“Apollo’s? I don’t remember but it’s named after one of those Greek gods, it’s on the presidium I know that much.”
Kaidan chuckled “I’m sure we’ll find it.”
“I hope so! I’m starving Kaidan, absolutely wasting away as we speak.” she said, her tone over dramatic and dragging her feet as if she was about to pass out on the stairs.
It was rare for her to joke with him like this but he liked it and as much as he was getting his hopes up it had him wanting more nites like this but for now he was going to savor this one. The sound of her giggling, something he didn’t expect to hear from her, the sight of her smile, the one she was only directing at him, the smell of her floral perfume, it was light but so very Lily and most of all, the feeling of his hand in hers. Lily’s hands, like the rest of her, were much smaller than his and they fit together like puzzle pieces. He wasn’t about to be sappy and say they were made for each other, he didn’t know that yet but it sure was a nice thought.
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I couldn’t sleep so now I have donuts and now y’all have Bram & Ray’s six-month anniversary, featuring @tybunnythehellmoose‘s Percy and a namedrop of a certain other university familiar to fans of “The Librarians.”
Quick note for those unfamiliar with IOU: the Lazarus Health Center on campus heals the injured and sick and also (as the name would suggest) can put you back together again/resurrect you. However, if something else gets into the mix with the rest of you, there can be some... funky results. In any case...
It was meant to be a nice dinner out at Pancho Sanza’s. The food wasn’t much to speak of, in Bram’s opinion, but it was better than anything on campus, and this was where they’d met. It was their six-month anniversary after all. Bram would never have pegged himself as the sentimental type, but that was before Ray. He was a complete sap when it came to Ray, and it was surprisingly nice to have someone to be a giant mushy mess all over. In private, of course. PRIVATE. Percy, for one, would never have let him hear the end of it if they knew. And Ray likely would have wanted to know the significance of six months in the human courtship ritual calendar, and would be perplexed that there really wasn’t one.
So Bram hadn’t mentioned it to Ray and definitely hadn’t brought it up with Percy. But he knew it had been six months to the day that Ray had come into his life, and he wanted to mark the occasion. Of course, everyone else was marking the occasion of yesterday’s grand moopsball triumph over Wexler University (never mind that they were relatively new to the college-level moopsball competition; any victory was celebrated as if it were the end of the world).
Thus Pancho Sanza’s was packed near to bursting. At this point, Percy worked pickup shifts, covering for people who were out and coming in when the extra help was needed (as well as doing some scouting work for the occasional raid on the competition – the Generalissimo took corporate warfare a bit literally). Since the place was overflowing with rowdy college students, Percy was running their ass off.
Bram sighed. “Well, this was never going to be a quiet evening, but I’m sorry it’s this loud,” he all but screamed to Ray, who was sitting right next to him in the booth.
“I have no idea what you said, but I’m sure I agree,” Ray replied.
Bram couldn’t help chuckling. He was thinking about flagging Perse down for a spare notepad of paper, like the kind the servers used, so they could pass notes like idiot schoolchildren, but then someone walked up to the table.
“Well, look who we have here.”
Bram’s first reaction was Oh great. His second reaction was He still looks good, and his third reaction was, How the great bloody hell can he make himself heard over this?
It was Chad Willingham, one of the most popular blokes on campus. Bram had no idea why: he didn’t play sports, he wasn’t involved in student government or in rebelling against student government. He was renowned mostly for the sheer number of sexual conquests he had, and Bram had, unfortunately, been one of them.
But popular he was and there was a certain privilege that seemed to go along with popularity: when Chad spoke, people listened. So when Chad stood there at the end of their table and announced himself like that, the crowd noise dimmed somewhat. Everyone wanted to hear what Chad had to say.
And what Chad had to say was, “The two worst lays on campus hanging out together? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”
The crowd noise died entirely at that. Completely silent. Which didn’t really surprise Bram, because he was certainly speechless. What could he say to that? That he’d been only one step removed from a virgin at that point? It didn’t bother him that Ray had apparently slept with Chad, because, dammit, virtually everyone had. (Except for Percy, who had declared him beneath their standards.)
But Ray just smiled over the remnants of their fajitas. “I find it strange to hear you say that.”
Chad snorted. “Why? Did you think you were some sort of sex god?”
“I do not think I’m any sort of deity, no. But I also do not believe you are.”
That seemed to sting Chad’s pride. “Ask around.”
“I have no need to. As you have intimated, I have experienced your talents first hand.” Ray rose to his feet with that otherworldly grace that always made Bram marvel. He was looking Chad straight in the eye. “I find it strange to hear you qualify Bram and I as ‘the worst lays on campus’ – meaning the worst sexual partners you’ve had – because you hardly put forth any testing, rigorous or otherwise.”
There was some quiet chuckling rippling through the background at that. But Ray wasn’t finished.
He continued, in that steady, even voice, “You have valued quantity over quality, and because of that, you have only spent the single night with me. I assume it was the same for you, Bram?” He looked to him for confirmation, and Bram could only nod. Ray’s voice carried through the restaurant as he returned his attention to Chad. “So you could not truly know the scope of our sexual capabilities.
“Yes, I am with Bram. We have been together for exactly six months now, and they have been wonderful. Bram has chosen to get to know me and to let me know him. He has taken the effort to know what pleases me – sexually and otherwise,” Bram could feel his face heating, “and is happy to perform these tasks. I, in turn, have tried to reciprocate.
“Bram has made me happier and brought me more satisfaction than you or anyone else in my acquaintance.” Ray stared the interloping Chad down and declared, “I neither sought nor want your opinion on my or my boyfriend’s sexual talents. It is unnecessary. Bram and I each achieved orgasm three times last night.”
There was hooting and hollering at that, but all Bram could do was mutter, “You counted. Of course you bloody counted,” as he dropped his head into his hands.
There was a smile in Ray’s voice as he replied soothingly, “The data was important to me.” And Bram smiled like an idiot behind his hands because Ray always said that and what he always meant by it was that Bram was important to him, and it made his breath short and his heart race.
Ray’s voice was back to being strident as he said, “I seem to recall you, Chad, were more the… what’s the term for ‘reaching climax once and then falling asleep’?”
“‘One and done’?” Bram suggested, finally lifting his head.
“Yes, that. One and done.” The crowd seemed to enjoy that, but Ray was focused on Chad. “You value quantity over quality. As such, I would not expect you to be able to properly evaluate anyone’s sexual quality – not mine, not Bram’s, and, most likely, definitely not your own.”
Bram was glad that he’d raised his head because he saw it. He saw the anger flashover in Chad’s body language. He didn’t appear to be armed, wearing a pink polo shirt and tight jeans, but if there was one thing Bram had learned about life at IOU it was Never Assume You’re Safe.
Where Ray had risen slowly and elegantly, Bram shot to his feet, the gatling handcannon already in his hand and pointed straight at Chad. The end of the barrel was almost right up against the asshole’s nose. “Try it,” he said tightly. “They’ll be wringing your face out of a mop at the Health Center to put it back together again. We’ll see if nacho cheese and tequila where portions of your brains used to be help your GPA any.”
Chad paled but stood his ground for one second, two… then sneered and headed for the door. Loud cheers broke out through the crowd as Bram reholstered his gun and resumed his seat.
Ray sat down next to him and leaned over to kiss his temple. “Thank you for protecting me, Bram.”
“Thanks for standing up for me, Ray.” Then he recalled something Ray had said. “You remembered that it’s our six month anniversary?”
“Is that not why we’re here?” Ray asked, sounding adorably confused.
“Well, yes, but I didn’t realize you were so sentimental.”
“I always knew you were,” was Ray’s answer, and Bram was blushing again. Ray just leaned in and kissed him, and Bram was practically giddy with happiness.
And then, of course, as bloody always, there was Percy. “Nice job, you two! The Generalissimo is so impressed, he’s giving you a pineapple sundae on the house for the free entertainment!” They set the dish – and two spoons – down on the table in front of them.
“Why is there a grenade in it?” Ray asked.
“That’s the pineapple,” Bram groaned at the same time that Percy said it (though their tone was far more chipper).
“And, correct me if I’m wrong,” Percy leaned in a little and dropped their voice (would wonders never cease?!), “but don’t you need to wind that clockwork monstrosity before you use it?”
Bram grinned. “Yes, but he didn’t know that.”
Percy laughed and stood up again. “Go on, eat up. Don’t forget to pull the pin first!”
Ray reached for it, but Bram clasped both his hands over Ray’s. “Thank the Generalissimo for us, but we should get our check and get going.”
“Awww.” Perse pouted. “But if you manage to finish it before it goes off, you get your name and photo on the Wall of Fame!”
“You mean that completely empty section of wall there?” Ray asked.
“It’s not empty!” Percy replied.
“Blood splatters don’t count,” Bram muttered. “And that’s a type of fame I can do without, thanks.”
Percy snickered. “I guess it is better to be known as Mr. Three-Times-A-Night.”
Ray replied, “Sometimes more. I just cited the most recent dataset and…”
Bram stood. “Right, time to go. Percy, put it on my tab, will you? I’ll settle up next time I’m in.”
But Ray pulled him back down. “We have a free treat. We can eat around the pineapple if you don’t like it. But I would like to stay and celebrate properly.”
Bram smiled. “Dammit, you know I have trouble saying no to that smile.”
Percy beamed. “Happy Anniversary!” they sing-songed as they waltzed off to another table.
“Very happy,” Ray agreed, looking into Bram’s eyes.
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