Tw: self harm

I think the moment that I finally realised that I don't love my dad is when he found out that I self harmed, and proceeded to give me an hour long lecture about how I'm going to hell.

Omfg I’m sos so sry I’m an idiot lit 10 days after u asked ugh sry sry.

Ur dad sounds like an absolute dickhead and he doesn’t deserve ur love anywya >:( like wtf ur child is lit suffering and harming themself and ur response is too tell them abt how doing that will cause more suffering??

js send him a giant ‘fuck u’ from me

Anywya I’m rly sry ur going thru that and he’s like that :( it must be horrible, and I’m sry u can’t go to him 4 support :((

Js know ur not alone and there r a lot of pple u can talk to , and there r like anonymous like support thingies. And if u ever need to vent abt ur dad being a dick or js things in general there r pple here and obvi u can come here lol I promise i won’t be so late to answer ur ask next time, rly rly sry for that

So um stressing a lot js like fuck.

Like I was js thinking abt like my future in beings ✨trans✨ and js like tbh the situation’s so bad. Like I’ve never rly thought abt not transitioning cos honestly that’s the only thing that’s actually been keeping me ok (well relatively) rn. And like what if I don’t? Or if I can’t. like what if the situation in the uk doesn’t get better and pple like fucking Rishi sunak stay in power and we get our rights stripped from us. Like what if when it’s confirmed by a psychologist so I can actually get on the waiting list for hrt, the psychologist doesn’t believe me? Or I can’t get that or the waiting list js gets longer and I have to wait yrs and yrs and I’m never going to feel comfortable with myself. What if everything js goes wrong and I’m never rly gonna look like a girl, what if I don’t pass? …

Sry sry im spiralling aren’t I lol I’m js so scared. I want this sm, and it doesn’t look like it’s getting any better to get it. I js wanna be happy lol

Sry dw im fine u dotn have to respond if ur too tired or cba I get it lol

Aaaaa I love them sm

Aquarium date!!! ft. chelldos :3

Who tf am i, honestly idek anymore that isn’t good is it? Fuck.

Like I js have so many personalities with so many pple and I’ve js lost like the original me like they don’t exist anymore it’s js the mess of everything else now. I have a specific personality for each of my friends in my ‘friendship group’ and a different one for my bf, I have separate ones for each member of my family excluding my parents but I see those two as one anyway. I mean I have a different one for pple I meet on tumblr and tumblr in general rly like is that the real me?? Who am I wtf I’m such a self obsessed asshole. And like it’s not js how I act it’s how I think or what I say in my head. Idek if that’s normal. And I mean also a different one for texting each of my friends. Who am I. Ffs I’m so stupid this doesn’t make any sense, I js idk who I can rly be me around and now I think I’ve lost her forever. I’m sry I’m fine idek if this is normal or not I js hate all these pple I pretend to be I wish I could js be me? Sry that’s so dramatic.

Nobody has to respond

everyday i see videos where people do stupid things with their friends and i cant help but wish i coiuld do the same. i have friends, i think, but i dont see a lot of them outside of school and im afraid of what my other friends i do see more would think of "hey guys i saw this funny improv thing we should totally do that lol"

also im always feeling this FOMO and then imposter syndrome and jealousy bc i go to an art school and all the kids in my drama class are doing movies and stuff and im just there and i just always feel inferior to them even though theyre not doing anything and its all on me so thats wonderful

theres probably more but like i can never get all the anxiety out in one go

:( Yh I rly get what u mean, I always stress my friends will think I’m weird when I suggest stuff like that, and it does rly sound fun! But Yh ik what u mean and it sucks, maybe try and build up the confidence to ask ur other friends but obvi no pressure and if they think it’s weird then ( ik it sounds daunting and I hate it too) but maybe try find some other pple who like the stuff u like and maybe Like idk u can make a connection :) or something.

And Yh I get the fomo and imposter syndrome they’re rly not nice and js ugh but Yh :(. But like there’ll be loads of pple out there who recognise u have talent even if u don’t think so, or u dont believe it rn.

And Yh ugh I used to have a rly similar situation in drama too, but everyone else was js rly shit and I was given all the pressure to make everything work which was js ugh, and Yh I get it, it sucks :(

Also lmao Yh dw it takes like 5 yrs for me to get all my anxiety and stuff out to someone 🥲

<33 anyway I’m glad u could get it out and obvi if there’s more js sayyy :)

hey um., I realise I vented quite a bit there-- I just wanted to say that you really really don't need to respond or anything ;w; please do whatever ur comfy with cos just sayin it was pretty good enough

Dw dw and lol normally I vent to pple like with something the same length lol so it’s fine :))

I don't know. I'm strugglin to keep goin n all-- I feel like stuff would just be easier if I didn't have this identity at all and I don't know if transitioning would ever be worth it. I understand how much being comfortable should help but the risk is so high and the shit I'm already getting is only going to get worse--- I'm barely even out, I just get shit for being a feminine "guy" on it's own- The people I have come out to seem to have forgotten or don't care, and the ones who do are counties or continents away.

I feel really alone. being around other trans people helps and me bein on tumblr recently is part of that-- but even then I just cant shake this feeling that the majority of everyone will never believe or understand me just existing-- I don't even know if I want this enough, I can handle feeling a bit envious or uncomfortable I guess- especially when the alternative means getting shoved outta jobs, social circles, and always just being off and weird and embarrassing I just don't know or understand what I'm doing and where I am rn in life there are just so many other things that are more important and it's all getting in the way of eachother--- I just don't know what to do. Coming out is a whole new thing too--- Especially with my parents, I have a sister who came out as trans last year and shit has just been awful with everythin to do with her and I just don't wanna lose the relationships I have with my parents and siblings like she did. The awkwardness and weirdness and the way you can see nobody else sees it in her-- I just can't deal with that. I don't wanna be a disappointment or an embarrassment and I know I will be to them. I really really love my parents and this might be character assassination but I just know how they get with all this stuff. I feel like I'm behind or an outcast or failure in like everything and people are assuring me that I'm doing well and I don't feel it at all. I'm just scared and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I vented so much here, I really really didn't mean to.. please don't respond to this unless you really really want to- I just wanted to get this out somewhere-- thank you so much for offering this holyshit

Ok well I am responding cos I do rly rly want to and ur amazing <333

And don’t be sry at allll it’s what the blog is for girly 😊

I mean u dont have to know ur gender or anything at all now I mean there’s still lots of time, and feelings change and that’s fine but if like u’ve felt a way for like a while then it’s prob true, and u prob shouldn’t js bury it cos u could ‘deal with it’ cos then it could grow and js get worse and Yh. I rly get like pple not caring or rly believing u :( cos ‘u haven’t acted this way before’ that’s what I was told atleast. It’s horrible Ik but I mean if they act that easy they probably aren’t amazing pple anyway.

And ofc darling there is absolutely no pressure to know where u r in life like I defo don’t and maybe taking things one step at a time might help? Like starting with the things most important to u.

And I mean also in the wise words of aled last u don’t owe it to pple to come out to them, and if ur parents rly love you the worse that might happen is they don’t believe u at first but u can prove it to them if ur certain like that’s how u feel when u transition

And I mean Yh I defo know what being scared and not knowing what to do feels like hehe, js I think try and find the things that make u happy and focus on doing those things more than the things that ur a ‘failure’ in which im sure isn’t true cos ur amazing, and ik this’ll be js another reassurance u won’t believe but I do so, ur not an outcast here ur accepted and loved and like there r so many pple who would support u no matter how u feel abt urslef or gender (me included obvi :) )

Anywya sry if this didn’t rly help but um Yh I rly hope it did and rly sry if like u didn’t even want this reply at all and dww it didn’t like annoy me at all I’m glad u could get it out :)) <333

Hi Lovelys so this is js a blog for venting and letting out feelings and shit :), ik there r prob loads of these but oh well lol here another one. U can send asks and I’ll try and respond and reassure u in anything (unless u don’t want that) but I’m not gonna interact with shit like homophobes, transphobes, racists etc.. obvi

I’ll prob js post here to vent myself sometimes but there’s no pressure to respond to those it’ll js be annoying prob 😅

My og/ main blog: @lunarcat982