my skin conditions are so bad right now hell on fucking earth

30.

Do you enjoy watching birth vlogs? - No, I have tokophobia. Just seeing pregnant people in public makes me very anxious. This is something I've been working on, though, because I'm wanting to get certified as a postpartum doula, and even though this a job for AFTER the baby is born, I'm sure I'm going to be exposed to some information about birth and all that.

Would you rather paint on canvas or wood? - Canvas.

What regret keeps coming back to haunt you daily? - None of them haunt me daily, but there are a few that pop in my head every now and then. Mostly the way I handled things with a friend of mine. I gave up a very long friendship to be with an abusive, manipulating, son-of-a-bitch. That's my number one regret.

Do you miss someone? - Sure, I miss a lot of people.

If you could cure yourself of one allergy, what would it be? - I guess my skin allergy. My skin is sensitive to a lot of things and I break out in hives or my eczema will flare up, even if I haven't had a bad eczema breakout in months. I'm not sure what EXACTLY I'm allergic to, because I've never had an allergy test done as an adult. I had one done as a kid, and I had a very severe reaction to several things and ended up in the emergency room...so I guess I'm scared that'll happen again. Anyways, yeah, I'd just want normal, non-reactive, skin.

Do you know anyone else with your name? - No.

Have you felt like the main character in a book was you? - I've definitely related to some main characters. I read a book a few years ago that brought me to tears. Girl In Pieces was the name of it, I believe. I could relate to a lot of the pain the main character went through.

Which country’s flag is your favorite? - I like Japan's.

What would you be most afraid of happening if you were to visit Africa? - I don't really know. I've never really though about this. I guess, culture shock, but honestly that's the case with anywhere foreign to me.

Where are you tempted to move to sometimes? - Canada. It's close to home for the most part, there are people who speak English, and we know people that live there - my husband's bio dad and his family lives there. And where my husband's dad lives, the weather seems to always be nice.

Have you ever hiked a mountain? - No.

Who seems like they have the perfect life? - I don't know. I guess musicians. They make a living on doing what they love! But nobody has a perfect life, we all know that (hopefully).

Do you ever take pictures of negative moments? - No.

Do you think it would be a good idea to post photos of negative moments as well as positive? - If that's what you wanna do, then do it, sure.

What time zone are you in? - I live in the US and my zone is Eastern Time Zone.

Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? - Haha, no, that's weird.

Why or why not? - Because it's weird. Who thinks of immediately grabbing their phone/camera to take a picture of themselves crying? If you're crying, you're clearly having a moment, and sometimes those moments need to be private.

Do you like dark blue jeggings or light blue jeggings better? - I don't wear them, but I wear leggings, and I guess dark blue. That's just because I like dark colors.

What color is the rim of your whiteboard? - Grey.

Do you have trouble staying organized? - No, I'm pretty organized.

What was the last thing you cried about? - My cousin died on Sunday and I've been crying on and off daily since then.

Have you ever held a newborn baby? - Yes. I love holding and snuggling new babies! I can't wait to work exclusively with them.

Do you know anyone who has twins? - No.

Would you rather look older or younger than your age? - I'm fine with the way I look, I guess. People think I'm younger than my age, anyway.

Where do you buy calendars from? - Wherever I find a cheap one I like.

Do you shop at the dollar store often? - Not really. I used to, but then I realized I buy a lot of shit I don't need, so for the past year, I've only been like three or four times.

What does your name rhyme with? - Nothing really, I guess the closest thing would be "moron." Thanks, mom.

Are you following in the career path of any family members? - I guess the closest person would be my grandma. She used to have her own in-home daycare and she cared for kids from the time they were babies until they were ready for kindergarten. I'm a nanny, so not exactly the same, but my work life does involve children. I would love to have my own in-home daycare one day. I just love kids. Not enough to have them, but I'm very much a nurturing soul and that's all I want to do.

Have you ever met anyone who talks like a robot? - Hahaha, what? No.

What is your favorite country in Europe? - Italy, I suppose. I've never been. But from pictures and things I've read, it's a place I want to visit.

Name something unique about your town. - Nothing. Every town has history, and so does ours, but it's not that unique or anything.

Who does all the chores in your home? - I do, but I don't work right now and I don't mind keeping up with the cleaning and whatnot. I already told my husband that when I start a new nanny job, if it's more than I can handle, then he has to either start doing more or we have to hire some help. He does some chores, but I do the bulk of them at the moment. Mostly our house stays neat (I cannot function in chaos), it's the deep cleaning that tends to get to be too much.

Do you feel you missed out on a lot as a kid? - I do. I'm making up for it as an adult. Soothing my childhood traumas and issues, one Squishmallow at a time, haha.

What is your best kept secret (or one big secret you have right now)? - I can't tell you, it's a secret.

Do you have anyone you can tell your secrets to? If so, who? - My husband knows a lot of things that I've never told anyone else. He doesn't know everything. Some things I have to take to my grave.

Who was that best friend you ever had? - James and his sister Lyn. Sweetest, coolest, most awesome friends I ever had.

Do people appreciate you and accept you for who you are? - I hope so, if not, whatever. I'm not for everyone.

What color is your laptop? - White on the outside, dark grey when you open it up to the screen and keyboard.

What class would you like to repeat over again just for fun? - Any of my art classes, I suppose.

What are five careers you think you’d be good at? - Newborn specialist, teacher, guidance counselor, baker, and a postpartum doula.  

Are you thriving in your life right now? - I suppose so. I sometimes feel like a bum, because I don't have a job at the moment. I purposely didn't line something up, though, once my nanny kid went off to preschool. I knew that if I did, I wouldn't get time to myself and that's what I've been needing for the past few years. I can always find another job, in fact I've turned down one that my old boss had set up for me. I just wanted time for myself to do things I've been putting on the back burner for a while. Creative things, organizing projects, writing, etc.

Who do you have moral support from? - My dad and my husband. My mom is more of a pusher, as in, pushing me into things I don't want to do...or trying to, despite telling her what my future plans are. She still thinks that being a nanny is beneath me or I don't know, that domestic work isn't a good line of work. I can't explain to her anymore that I love my job as a nanny, it pays pretty well, and yes I'm not going to have a fancy 401K or benefits (some people actually do include you on family health plans, it's rare, but it can happen) but I am happy with my work.

Who encourages you to go after your dreams? - My dad and my husband!

Do you have people in your family who want you dead? - I hope not, sheesh!

Are the police criminals in your town? - I'm sure we have a lot of crooked cops out there, yes.

List all the antiques you have in your room. - We have some pretty interesting side tables that have been here forever. They have marble tops and were made in Italy. They're beautiful.

What Bratz doll resembles you the most? - None? They're dolls. And although I'm told my eyes are very big, they're not THAT big in comparison to the rest of the features on my face, haha.

Do you have a walk-in closet? - No.

What was the last thing you ate? - A Greek salad. Now I'm going to be on a kick, so I'll probably buy a bunch of ingredients to make them for the next two weeks, haha.

What would you do to save money for your wedding? - We had a very, very small wedding. There was 13 of us, including my husband and myself. We didn't have to save much. Most of the money went into buying decorations and things like that. Family pitched in for food. The venue wasn't that expensive. It was very simple, but everyone had a great time. The reason it was so small, was because I got married in 2020 before any of the vaccines were available for Covid. We wanted to play it safe and only invite close family and my husband invited his best friend, and I invited a friend of mine (who was here awaiting her husband's orders - she doesn't live her anymore), and that was it. But even though it was super small, I would do it all over again JUST LIKE THAT. Planning a wedding should be a happy time, and planning ours was a cakewalk compared to what I've heard about planning a huge wedding.

Have you ever been manipulated, lied to, abused, or controlled? - Yes.

Are you against plagiarism? - Sure, even though I copy and paste these surveys, haha. But the answers are mine! As far as other works of writing, of course I'm against plagiarism.

To Scratch an Itch

Pairing: Dabi x GN!Reader

WARNINGS: Contains graphic descriptions of skin picking/itching, blood, self harm.

Summary:  Your urges get the better of you, and Dabi steps in to help.

A/N: Ok, so this is a really personal piece I wasn't sure I was gonna publish. I have eczema that flairs when I get stressed, and over the years I developed the unfortunate habit of itching as a form of self-harm. I've been getting better, but there are still times when it gets bad. If this can help anyone else out there with a similar issue, I hope it reaches them.

Read it on AO3 here!

You were itchy again.

It was always the same when your stress piled up, your anxiety spiraled, your depression reared its ugly head. Before you knew it, little patches of red appeared on your skin. On the crease of your elbows, the backs of your calves, your thighs and wrists. And they all itched like crazy.

Sometimes you could catch yourself before it got too bad. You could wash the spots with a cool cloth and apply some ointment or lotion. You could distract your hands with a video game or craft project to keep them from picking at your skin. You could calm down, identify the source of the stress and sort out the problem. You could stop yourself before you hurt yourself.

This was not one of those times.

This was one of the times when you couldn't resist, didn't want to resist. One of those times when the stress was so heavy, the anxiety so high, the depression so deep that you couldn't help but pick at every itchy spot until you’d scratched the itch away. Raking your nails across your skin as scabs were torn off and blood pooled in crimson dots on your arms and legs.

It hurt, but it hurt so good. It felt like you were finally able to take all that internal pain, all the anxiety and regret and fear and anger, and bring it into the real world. Because you had learned young that nobody took your pain seriously, not unless there was blood to show for it. But even then, they never asked the question you wanted them to. They just gave you a cloth to clean up with, gave you prescription ointments and Benadryl and told you “Try not to itch, honey; you're just hurting yourself.”

Nobody ever asked if you were ok.

This attack was a bad one, the first you’d had in a while. Your skin had almost completely healed from the last time you’d done this. That almost made it worse, because now there was a voice in your head screaming at you to stop it stop hurting yourself what are you doing you were doing so good, clashing with the one that was almost gleefully telling you keep going keep going make it hurt make them all see how much you hurt.

Tears welled in your eyes as fingernails moved to a new patch of skin on your wrist. There were a few scabs here from your last attack, and you tore at them, ripping them off and widening the wounds until they too were crying crimson. Only when it started to really hurt did you stop and shift positions on your bed so that you could more easily reach the backs of your calves.

It was then that your boyfriend, the notorious villain Dabi, walked into your bedroom without knocking. As soon as the door opened, your entire body froze. Your entire body except for your fingers, which kept unconsciously picking at the skin of your legs. Dabi’s eyes darted from your face to the blood on your arms to your still-moving fingers.

A brief look of horror crossed his face before he was rushing across the room to grab your wrists and pull them away from your skin. You fought him a bit, but you were no match for his strength. Dabi pinned your hands to the sheets on either side of you.

“Y/N, what are you doing?!”

His borderline frantic tone, when he was usually almost completely expressionless, only added to the feeling of shame beginning to wash over you. You hated that he’d caught you like this, at your lowest point. Tugging your hands away from him, you tugged your pants and sleeves down to cover the worst of the scratches.

“It’s nothing, Dabi,” you said as nonchalantly as possible. “Did you need something?”

“Well, yeah.” He gave his head a hard shake. “That’s not important! You’re bleeding, Y/N.”

“I-I know. I should probably go clean up, excuse me…”

You swung your legs around and stood, but before you made it more than a few steps Dabi was in front of you again. He caught you by the shoulders and gave you a gentle shake. You knew he wanted you to look at him, but you couldn't bring yourself to meet his gaze. Instead you kept your expression as blank as you could, eyes staring over his shoulder.

Absently, you noticed your other wrist starting to itch and your fingers started to instinctively twitch towards the sensation. But Dabi was perceptive; he caught the motion and intercepted your hand before it could make contact. That got you to look at him, and what you saw surprised you. Concern was evident in his eyes, genuine care and worry for you. The raw emotions so unlike anything you ever saw from the man had you relaxing in shock and allowing Dabi to tug you into the bathroom.

“You should take your clothes off,” he said, so blasély you thought you must have misheard him.    

“Excuse me?”

Dabi fixed you with a stare. “So I can help you clean up.”

You didn't have the mental strength to argue, so you did as he said and stripped out of your blood-speckled clothes while Dabi rifled through the cabinets for some washcloths. He emerged with a stack in hand, wetting two in the sink before wadding them up and holding them in his hands for a few seconds. When he held one out to you, wisps of steam curled off it.

“Hop up on the counter, little mouse,” Dabi instructed, and you did as he said.

Sitting there in your underwear with the tile counter cold against your butt, you watched as Dabi sunk to the floor. He propped your right foot up on his knee and began gently washing off the fresh blood that still trickled from your self-inflicted wounds. You took his hint and mirrored his actions on your arms, though the blood there was already starting to dry, so it took a little more scrubbing.

Soon, all the blood was washed away and Dabi handed you another washcloth to dry yourself. With the command of “Don't move, and don't itch,” he was leaving the bathroom. At least he closed the door behind him. You took the opportunity to wet a few more washcloths, with cold water this time. Draping them over the inflamed areas felt good, cooling the skin and reducing the urge to scratch at them again.

You sat by yourself for only a few moments before Dabi returned carrying an industrial-sized container you recognized. It was the tub of coconut oil you, Dabi, and Toga had bought Shigaraki as a prank. A giggle slipped past your lips when you realized that Dabi must have stolen it from Shigaraki’s room.

“He’s gonna kill you when he finds out you took that,” you teased.

Dabi smirked. “Nah. I’ll bet he doesn't even use it.” He twisted the lid off, only to see that half the product was already gone. “Huh. I stand corrected.”

Dabi resumed his previous position in front of you, setting the tub on the floor next to him. You reached down to scoop some of the oil onto your fingers, but he blocked the container before you could get any.

“Please, Y/N, let me do this for you.”

You nodded silently, sitting back as Dabi completed the motion you were making. He held the solidified oil in his hand for a moment to let it melt. Then he was massaging it into your calf, not just on the places you’d torn open but all up and down the skin. You hummed in pleasure as he worked, switching legs or positions when he indicated. It felt incredible to have Dabi’s rough fingers treating you with such care, like delicate porcelain in his grasp.

Neither of you spoke until he had worked his way all the way up your body, hands finally coming to gently hold your wrists. There, Dabi took a moment to inspect the damage, thumb ghosting over the biggest scratch.

“Why… why did you do this? Doesn't it hurt?”

“It does,” you admitted. “It hurts a lot. But…” you trailed off, not sure how to explain.

“But?” Dabi prompted.

“But sometimes I can't stop myself no matter how much it hurts. Whenever I get too stressed, it’s like it feels good to have physical pain, because at least I’m choosing that.” You dropped your head. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

Dabi tsked, catching your chin and bringing you to meet his gaze. “Don't apologize, little mouse. Is this the first time you’ve done this since we’ve started dating?”

“No, but it is the worst one.”

“Then I’m sorry, Y/N, for not noticing you were in pain sooner.”

His rough voice was so sad and soft that you couldn't help but lean forward and hug him. Dabi returned your embrace, guiding your head to settle in the crook of his neck. Something about that simple gesture broke something within you, and before you knew it you were sobbing into Dabi’s shoulder. He didn't say anything, just rubbed circles on your back as you blubbered out everything that had been weighing you down, every worry and fear and anxiety.

When there was finally nothing else four you to pour out, you looked up at your partner through tear-studded lashes. Dabi gave you a crooked smile before swooping down to press a kiss on your forehead.

That made you smile too. “Thank you, Dabi. And again, I’m-”

“Nope.” Dabi cut off your apology with a finger against your lips. “No more apologies. Just make me a promise.”

“What promise?” You tilted your head, curious.

“That the next time you get the urge to do this again, you come to me. We can talk it out, or go bug Shigaraki for some video games. Hell, you can even scratch at my skin if you need. Just please, little mouse, don't hurt yourself like this again. You deserve better than that.”

You blinked, tears rising in your eyes again. But this time they were tears of happiness. Choking out a laugh, you pulled Dabi down into a real kiss, pouring all the love and adoration you could into the gesture. Dabi returned your affection as he scooped you off the counter and carried you back into the bedroom. He laid you down and took several moments to arrange the pillows and covers before he climbed in beside you.

Immediately, you curled into his waiting arms. Dabi trailed his fingers up and down your back, the gentle tickle distracting you from the itches that were still begging to be scratched. But now you could ignore them, choosing instead to focus on the man wrapped around you. You listened to his breathing and his heartbeat, felt the rough texture of his burns and the smooth press of the staples holding him together.

Having Dabi there didn't make the urges go away, but having him care for you, care about you, helped to scratch a different itch.

When I Fell Overboard [Chapter Five: Bad Habits]

Read on ao3

Synopsis: Sebastian struggles with his relationship with Maru as she strives to get close to him. Meanwhile, he and Elliott get closer and closer.

Trigger warnings: Panic attacks, fighting, snapping, potentially unsympathetic Robin, crying, food mention, let me know if I missed anything please

Elliott’s eyes were the colour of honey. When he breathed, slow and relaxed, his chest rose and fell, gently, very gently. Everything about Elliott was gentle, from the hand running through Sebastian’s hair to the smile gracing his lips. It made Sebastian feel like he was floating. 

“Do you want to practice more?” Sebastian asked quietly, his voice a little raspy. 

“No.” Elliott pulled Sebastian closer. “No, I don’t want to move.” 

Sebastian smiled and buried his face in Elliott’s shoulder. His cabin was the one place things really quieted down, his anxiety really calmed. Sometimes, when he started to have an attack, or when a stray thought felt like it was physically attacking him, he would cringe or dig his nails into his palms, and Elliott would pull him out of his shell and count with him, or distract him, or remind him that everything was okay and he was okay. That he made mistakes but that didn’t mean he was a bad person. 

Elliott always knew what to say. 

And on days when Elliott’s motivation had left him, when no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t write more than a few sentences, each word like pulling teeth, Sebastian was there to tug him away and lay down with him. Elliott would read, and Sebastian would listen, and they would fall asleep together. Part of Sebastian wished he could spend all his time in Elliott’s cabin. 

“I’m hungry,” he mumbled, but didn’t move. 

Elliott chuckled. “Are you wanting dinner, or a snack? We have more pomegranates.” 

“Too much work. What else?” 

Elliott rested a hand on Sebastian’s stomach. “What exactly have you eaten today?” 

“Uh.” Sebastian blinked. He tried to remember back to before he escaped to Elliott’s cabin. “Some crackers, I think? I don’t know, I was working.” 

Elliott sat up, and Sebastian pouted. “What about soup? How are you with spicy foods?” 

Sebastian sat up as well, running his fingers through his hair to get out the knots. “I mean, it’s not my favourite, but I like some spicy foods. Why?” 

“Have you ever had tom kha soup?” 

He shook his head as Elliott wandered into the kitchen. Sebastian followed, dressed in his long t-shirt and a pair of Elliott’s sweatpants—his jeans were too uncomfortable to cuddle in. 

“It’s my favourite,” Elliott said, pulling onions and garlic out of the cupboard. “You’ll try it? No food allergies, right?” 

“Yeah, I’ll try it. No food allergies.” 

“Intolerances?” 

“El, I’ll eat anything. Why, do you have food allergies?” 

He smiled. “Elliwyn has a lot. You’ve gotta be careful, you know.” 

Sebastian rolled up his sleeves, revealing pink and red patches of eczema on his arm. “What can I help with?” 

“Can you get the—” Elliott stopped. 

He frowned and stepped forward, carefully taking one of Sebastian’s hands. Sebastian paled as Elliott ran one finger along a patch of rough skin. 

“Are you hurt?” 

“N-no,” he managed. “No. Not really. It’s just my eczema.” 

“I had no idea it could be this bad,” he confessed. “This looks painful.” 

Sebastian forced a dry smile. “You have no idea. But it’s fine right now. I mean, it’s never great, but it’s, I don’t know, it’s fine. I can help with dinner—”

Elliott brought Sebastian’s hands up and kissed his cracked knuckles. Sebastian was going to die. Did he seriously just fucking do that? Holy shit. The floor had fallen from under him and his heart had stopped and wow, he was kissing his wrist now, too, despite the littering of scabs and open skin. 

“That’s better,” Sebastian choked out, and Elliott laughed. 

“Good. Can you get the coconut oil?” 

Sebastian got a hold of himself as they cooked one of Elliott’s favourite recipes. Sebastian took it seriously, brows drawn as he focused on chopping vegetables, measuring spices. Elliott chuckled as he watched. 

“You can relax, you know. You’re not being graded.” 

“I don’t want to ruin it.” 

“I doubt you would. I’m right here to guide you.” 

They sat in the bed to eat, leaning against each other. 

“This is good,” Sebastian mumbled. “I can see why it’s one of your favourites.” 

“Isn’t it? You did a phenomenal job, Sebastian.” 

He blushed. 

“Do you want to spend the night?”

Sebastian choked on his soup. “What?” He spluttered. 

He chuckled. “I mean, you’ve been staying so late as it is, I figured you might want to get some rest before taking the long hike back.” 

Sebastian’s heart raced. Did that mean something? Was Elliott… hinting at something? Sebastian gripped his bowl. He couldn’t tell if they were flirting or if that’s just how Elliott acted, and he was leaning towards that just being how he acted. Elliott was a very romantic person, and very complimentary—any time they walked through town together and he spoke with Leah or Evelyn or Pierre, he was like sunshine. But just because he waxed poetic about Evelyn’s eyes didn’t mean he was flirting with her. 

Besides, he found it very hard to believe some nights that anyone could be interested in him. He was overdramatic, and edgy, and boring, and his skin promised he’d never be handsome. Elliott had called him handsome once, but Sebastian had thought it through and determined he was just being nice, or he didn’t know about Sebastian’s skin yet. 

“I want to,” he admitted, “but…”

“Your mom?”

He nodded. “She likes it when I warn her ahead of time. And I know, I know. I’m an adult. It’s just… things have been strained right now. I don’t want to push it.” 

Elliott rested a hand at the back of Sebastian’s head. “I understand. Another time?”

He smiled. “Sure. Another time.” 

“Wish I could see that more often.” He took another bite of soup, then grinned. “You have a lovely smile.” 

“Shut up,” he mumbled. “I do not.” 

“You do. Like I said, I wish I could see it more. You’re so… tortured.” 

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “I have depression, I am not tortured.” 

“You torture yourself. I help sometimes, but I wish there were more I could do.” 

Sebastian hesitated, then reached out and took his hand. He ran his thumb over the soft skin. “You do enough. I’m… really glad we started talking.” 

“I am, too.” 

They finished eating, and before Sebastian left, Elliott drew him in until Sebastian rested against his chest, breathing deeply and slow. Elliott cupped his face with a smile. 

“I’ll see you soon.” 

On the walk home, Sebastian couldn’t help but smile. Elliott always made him forget about his problems. Which is why he didn’t expect the intervention when he got home. 

Mom, Maru, and Demetrius sat on the couch as he stopped at the top of the stairs. He looked into the sitting room. 

“Do you… need something?” 

“We should talk,” Mom said. 

Demetrius patted the ottoman, sat across from the three of them on the couch. “Come sit.” 

Sebastian was numb as he walked into the living room. He sat on the ottoman. “What is it?” 

Robin and Demetrius glanced at each other, then turned to Sebastian. 

“Why do you two think you’re fighting so much?” Demetrius asked. 

Sebastian blinked. “I don’t… uh… I don’t really know, uh… haven’t we…?” 

“We haven’t been fighting as much as usual.” Maru crossed her arms over her chest. “But we’ve still been fighting. And I think,” she met Sebastian’s eyes, “there’s too much pressure put on us.” 

Sebastian straightened up with a frown. Is she taking my side? 

“Sebastian,” Demetrius sighed, “what kind of pressure are you putting on her?” 

His heart sank. He snapped his gaze to his step dad, flinching back. 

“That’s not what I said!” Maru laughed. 

“What else could it be?” Robin asked nervously. She glanced between Sebastian and Maru. “Sebastian, you’re… you’re stressing out the entire household. We need to fix this.” 

He gripped the hem of his hoodie, pulling and twisting it around his fists. He might cry. He wasn’t going to, he would be able to push it back and hold it in, but the danger was there, the heat behind his eyes, the constricting of his chest. 

Why is everything my fault? 

“Maybe we should… untangle… the fights you’ve had recently,” she suggested. “We can start with the truck.” 

“Okay,” Sebastian managed. “What about the truck?” 

“You were pretty upset when I gave it to Maru—”

“Because you promised me!” 

He flinched. Fuck. He was going to pay for that—they certainly wouldn’t listen to him now. 

“Well, Sebastian—” Maru sighed. “Sometimes things get in the way. I might get a promotion because I got the truck, it’s simply not as important as a concert.” 

Sebastian grit his teeth. But you always get what you want. 

“Besides,” Demetrius said, “it’s Robin’s truck. At the end of the day, the decision she makes is final.” 

“Why’d you change your mind?” Sebastian asked desperately. “I asked you weeks in advance—”

“You were acting like a brat.” She frowned and clasped her hands. “She needed it for a job opportunity and I was sick of the fighting, so I made a decision.” 

Sebastian threw his hands in the air and Maru lurched forward, grabbing his arm. “It’s not a big deal.” She met his eyes, face serious. “It was just a truck. That’s not the problem here.” She stared at him intently. 

What is she trying to tell me? 

“That’s not the problem here,” she repeated. 

“What about your… job,” Demetrius said, and Maru sighed. 

Sebastian slumped. Here we go again. “What about it?” 

“Well, no one really gets… what it is,” Mom said. “We would all feel a bit more comfortable if you got a real job, maybe you can work at the clinic! Or I know Gus is always hiring, JojaMart—”

“JojaMart?” Sebastian blanched. “You’d rather me work for JojaCorp than freelance?”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Maru mumbled. 

“Okay,” Demetrius sighed, “maybe not JojaMart, but the saloon or the clinic would surely be a good fit.” 

“For who?” Sebastian stared between them in horror. “Do you even know me?” 

“Yes, Sebastian, we do,” Mom snapped. She shook her head. “It wouldn’t kill you to have an excuse to leave the house every once in a while.” 

“Maybe it would!” Sebastian leaned back. “You know how bad my anxiety is, I can barely eat at the Stardrop without- without-” 

“And how are you supposed to live your life like that?” Demetrius quirked an eyebrow. “You need to have real life skills, not just what you can do on the computer.” 

“Throwing me in the deep end won’t solve anything!” 

Maru sat back with a sigh, crossing her arms. “This clearly isn’t helping.” 

“Fine,” Demetrius said. “What about your sleep schedule?” 

Sebastian grit his teeth. “What about my sleep schedule?” 

“It’s completely unhealthy. You sleep all day, Yoba knows what you do at night—” 

“I work at night!” He stood and took a few steps back, looking between them all with wide eyes. 

Mom raised an eyebrow. “With all those distractions? Really?” 

“Yes, really. And I only sleep six hours a night!” 

“A ‘night?’ That’s not accurate.” Demetrius chuckled. 

“This isn’t solving anything,” he mumbled, and turned to go to his room. 

“Wait! Sebby, before you leave.” 

He glanced over his shoulder. She was looking at Demetrius nervously, worrying her lip between her teeth. 

“There’s one more thing we need to talk to you about,” Demetrius said. 

He flicked his hood up and shoved his hands in his pockets, stood by the staircase down to his room. “What?” 

“Elliott.” Mom smiled nervously. “You’ve been spending… quite a lot of time with him.” 

No. 

No no no no no. His parents were not homophobic. Right? There was no way. 

“We’re worried,” Demetrius said. “You haven’t gotten him smoking, have you?” 

Sebastian blinked. “What?” 

“I noticed his ear is pierced,” Mom said. “Was that you?” 

Sebastian shook his head in bewilderment. Elliott has an ear piercing? “No! I haven’t done that since high school!” 

“He’s a very nice man. We don’t need you rubbing off your bad habits on him, okay?” 

His heart cracked in half. Its shattered remnants fell to his stomach, stabbing through his abdomen. “What?” He asked softly. 

“Everything we just talked about,” Demetrius said. “It’s already causing problems between you and Maru. You wouldn’t want to ruin that young man’s future, would you?” 

“His future as a self employed writer?” Sebastian asked dryly, and the pain in his stomach lurched to a peak. I can’t believe I just threw Elliott under the bus. 

Elliott was such a good writer. He was nearing completion in that short story he was writing, and he gave Sebastian snippets sometimes. It was good. Needed some refinement maybe, but it was good. And he was so… ambitious. There was no doubt in Sebastian’s mind that Elliott could make it. And here he was, smashing his dreams to pieces. 

“He has consistent income,” Mom said. “He’s doing well for himself.” 

“Sebastian obviously has consistent income.” Maru rolled her eyes and stood, brushing down her overalls. “He buys his own groceries and offers to pay for a piece of the bills every month. It’s not his fault you won’t let him.” She stopped next to him. “You’re right. This isn’t solving anything. I’m going to my room.” 

Sebastian watched her leave, stunned. Her door shut. 

“Well, Elliott’s… He’s not…” Mom struggled. She looked to Demetrius for help. 

“He hasn’t ruined his body, for one.” Demetrius gestured to him, and Sebastian wanted to hide. 

He liked his hair. He liked his tattoos. He loved his piercings. So why was he so ashamed? 

“Something has to change, Sebastian, we can’t go on like this,” Demetrius said. 

“Something.” He laughed wetly, wiping his nose on his sleeve. He stared at the ground. “Right. I guess I’ll work on that.” 

He turned to the stairs, and waited. Waited for a That’s not what we meant or a We love you just how you are or a I’m sorry. 

“Thank you,” Mom said quietly. 

He stalked down the stairs. His door clicked closed softly, his phone cold in his hands. 

“What a lovely surprise!” Elliott grinned through the phone. “I was just packing up dinner and thinking of you. Do you want me to bring you some of the leftovers?” 

Despite himself, Sebastian smiled. He sat at the edge of his bed. “No,” he mumbled. “No, I’m okay.” 

“What’s wrong, stormcloud?” 

“I… have to ask you something.” 

“Okay, shoot.” 

“Am I… do I…” He pressed the heel of his hand to his eye. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry, you fucking idiot. “I don’t…”

“Sebastian,” he said softly. “What is it, darling?” 

“I’m not, like, rubbing off on you weird or anything, right?” 

Pause. 

Then he laughed. “I’m sorry?” 

Sebastian grinded his teeth. “I’m serious. You know, my… bad habits.” 

“Well, I don’t smoke, and I don’t put myself down every three seconds. Am I supposed to notice more?” 

“Don’t be obtuse.” 

“I genuinely don’t know what you mean, my love.” 

He laid back in bed, drawing in a shuddering breath. “You know, my… my piercings.” 

“Your piercings? What about them?” 

“Did you get an ear piercing?” 

“Oh, you noticed? How kind! Yes, it stung like a bitch, but I was younger so my pain tolerance wasn’t-” 

“It’s not new?” 

Pause. He laughed. “No, love. I’ve had it about five years. What is this about? Did Caroline catch you again?” 

“Not Caroline,” he mumbled, and quickly ran through everything that had happened. 

“Oh, darling…” He sighed. “I am so, so, so sorry they did that to you. You didn’t deserve that. I can promise, there is nothing wrong with how you are and what you do. I mean, I’m not thrilled about the smoking but… No. They’re wrong. Please don’t listen to them, my love.” 

Sebastian wiped his eyes. “You’re sure?” 

“I promise. Do you want to come back? Offer still stands.” 

“I don’t want to risk getting caught by them again. I can’t very well escape out a window.” 

He laughed. “No, you can’t. I can always come to you.” 

“I don’t want them to catch you, either.” 

“How can I help, darling?” 

Sebastian worried his lip ring between his teeth. “Uh… can you read to me?” 

“Of course! What would you like me to read?” 

“I don’t know,” he rolled onto his stomach, “we finished the short story collection. I’m too tired to start a novel.” 

“Well… I did finish what I was working on. It hasn’t been critiqued yet, but—” 

“Read it.” Sebastian settled with his earbuds and pillow, humming. “I want to hear.” 

“Okay,” Elliott said softly. “Okay, one sec. Ah! Got it. Okay. Ready? ‘Every day Penelope carried a metric ton of bricks around in her stomach…’”

I can feel my anxiety medication wearing off so before I re-up it, because if ever there was a day that I just need to keep it going - I feel the need to scream into the void first. 

I haven’t talked about my personal life that much save for a few depressive, anxiety-fueled rants before, and maybe this is just one more of those but longer. But today was the last day in a long saga of days that has just made me....really question *everything*. It’s probably the closest I’ve ever felt to being absolutely done. 

So the last year and a half has been quite the roller coaster and occasional hell for me, as I imagine it has been for everyone else on the planet. Everyone has their own 2020 story to tell, everyone’s is important, so I haven’t made a huge deal out of mine. I’m luckier than most. So this isn’t a post where I’m going to go on and on about how rough I’ve had it, etc, etc. This is just going to be about...me. The facts, as seen by me. 

In March 2020, my work began efforts to roll out a remote work plan that I qualified to start early due to being immunocompromised thanks to a fun little auto-immune disease called ulcerative colitis. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 18, so basically half my life, and the medication I had been on then, Remicade, was one I’d been using for the last decade with absolutely no issues except maybe I get really tired and like naps afterwards. All of that went smooth. I felt relieved that I, at least, was going to be at home. One of my roommates, also a co-worker, was able to work out the same situation so we didn’t even need to deal with transportation for her until the official lockdown. 

And then a week - possibly less, my memory is hazy - my roommates (my then-best friend and her brother) got into a screaming fight of such epic proportions that I had an actual mental breakdown in the middle of (first for me). I remember hiding in my room with my laptop - I was still trying to work for some reason, I do remember eventually telling my boss I had a family emergency so I could log off - I remember calling my mother in a panic, and then I remember waking up at my parents’ house about 6 hours later and finding out that my mother had told my former roommates to gtfo, which I did not attempt to rescind (not at the time, because apparently I was there when it happened but I don’t remember this, and not later) because I knew living with them was no longer feasible for a number of reasons which I will not go into. I’m still dealing with five years of mental abuse and trauma on that one. 

By the first week of April they were gone, and I was able to busy myself for the next few months with making my place habitable for one person again, which was a good distraction. And then September came around and I started to notice these, well, patches on my skin. At first I thought it was just eczema or dry skin irritation, it happens sometimes. But with each month they got worse and worse, until December finally rolls around and the only conclusion anyone can come up with is that my trusty Remicade, which had successfully kept my UC in check for a decade, had finally decided to stop playing nice with my body and I was having a “psoriasis-like” reaction. So for the first time in a long while I was starting the medication shuffle again, steroid creams and a new UC medication that took nearly 4 months to get approved. I’m still not recovered even though I’ve been off of Remicade for 7 months now. It takes 6 months for that stuff to fully work its way out of a system, so the reactions didn’t stop until a few weeks ago and I’m still struggling to heal. I’d say it’s about 75% better than it was, but showers still suck, pants also suck, and I can’t tolerate temperatures higher than 70 degrees (hi summer, you suck). Also during this time I got the COVID vaccine (woo!) but seriously, if not for remote work I probably would have lost my job. I used up most of my sick leave in the beginning of the year because I couldn’t move without pain, even to sit at the computer for 8 hours. I also have a ton of PTO, but my boss told me that I couldn’t necessarily use it for sick leave (news flash for me) and again, could lose my job if I tried to use it too much. So trigger my anxiety. A lot. 

Fast forward. In one week my office is reopening for 50% capacity, which apparently means to upper management that we have to all work 3 days a week in office, 2 days remote, which doesn’t match the math but whatever. They’ve also stopped screening temperatures, have nixed the social distance requirement, and are only requiring masks for the unvaccinated - but aren’t requiring anyone to say whether they are or not. Needless to say, not exactly the best reassurance for my still-immunocompromised ass, not to mention the dress code will murder my skin. So I ask about continuing remote work and get told I need an ADA accommodation. Okay. I get the paperwork and pass it on to my GI; I was already on FMLA for my UC, figured this wouldn’t be that different. 

Except my GI has refused to sign the paperwork, saying there’s no medical reason for me to continue remote work. Despite still not being recovered from the skin reaction I got back in December from the Remicade, despite finding information that Remicade potentially interferes with the vaccine, I’ve been told to just adhere to social distancing and mask-wearing despite my employer not requiring that of anyone else. And with all the information about the delta variant coming out.... yeah, I’m scared. Probably paranoid, probably anxious. I have no idea how I’m going to get through a work day without having to medicate and I won’t be able to function if I have to do that. i see my psych before RTW-Day, but only a few days before. 

My last chance is that the dermatologist I’m seeing on Wednesday might be able to fill it out based on my condition, but at the moment I’m in a cycle of panic that I’m going to be told it’s Not That Bad and not get taken seriously. Which is a feeling I’ve been having a lot lately. I know it’s partly the depression and anxiety ramping itself up, but I just don’t know what to do now. All I want to do right now is press the restart button. Sell my place, relocate to a new place so radically different from where I am now that I can’t even compare it, start over. Get a puppy, write a novel, not be in $33k worth of debt. This wasn’t where I’d hoped to be at 36, and now it feels like it’s going to be another 5-6 years before I can get there. If I can get there. It seems like another lifetime. 

Anyway. That ends my void screaming. TLDR, I have to start working in the office again in a week, I’ve been told by my GI that my auto-immune disease doesn’t qualify me for an ADA accommodation to keep working from home, my anxiety is now living with me instead of me living with it, and my last shot is a dermatologist I’ve never met before. 

Sports Festival Arc

Okay so I’ve just decided to talk about each episode individually since so much happens in them and I have a lot of things to say that nobody cares about ANYWAY MOVING ON here you go!

Episode 14: That’s The Idea, Ochaco

•Can we talk about how Todoroki had the prettiest animation in the intro please???

•Aizawa shows up like I LIVED BITCH we love one grumpy crippled old man (reminds me of this English teacher I had who showed up to class after breaking 3 ribs and couldn’t laugh or move and was in visible pain while teaching, Professor Saunders if you ever see this please just take a day off my dude)

•Mido: “Mineta don’t you know how important the Sports Festival is?”

Mineta: “yes but I just don’t want to get MURDERED”

...you know what he has a point

•Jirou to Kami: “most people miss their chance and end up just staying sidekicks. You know what that’s probably what’ll happen to you. You’re kinda dumb” BRUH SHE DIDNT HAVE TO MURDER DENKI LIKE THAT

•Kirishima being so excited for the Sports Festival is so cute I’m gonna cry

•Ojirou and Hagakure are so fucking ADORABLE

•Uraraka getting all pumped up/ ragey and Mineta being ✖️Mineta✖️ and Tsuyu just straight up SMACKING HIM IMMEDIATELY I LOVE HER COLD BLOODED ASS

•“YOUNG MIDORIYA!!!...do you want to eat with me?” I LOVE DADMIGHT

•Todoroki eavesdropping on Uraraka and Iida talking about Mido/All Might: Secret Child Theories activated

Episode 15: Roaring Sports Festival

•SHINSOU SNARKY PURPLE BABY BOY

•TESTUTESTU!!! loving the other classes showing up like fuck y’all 1A bitchass nerds right now honestly

•Kiri stop thirsting for Bakugou when he’s being an ass we get it, you’re gay and love an angry Pomeranian also WHY ARE YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP JUMPING OFF A BUILDING BOI WHAT IS YOU DOIIINNNNGGGGG ROCKS CAN STILL B R E A K

•Todoroki you dramatic hoe I love you but just. Take a nap. “We’Re nOt hEre To MakE FriEnDs” bitch you soft, shut up

•I’m genuinely curious what exactly is Midnight’s quirk? She’s the “R rated Pro Hero” but like...what is it? Is she just Super Sexy? Is it the pheromone thing that makes people think she’s sexy/ feeling aroused? Like what is her power exactly?

•”I just wanna say...I’m gonna win” KACCHAN HONEY WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

•Todoroki freezing EVERYTHING and being unimpressed by the giant robots sweetie you’re so extra

•Birth of Icy Hot Bastard nickname

•Mineta got fuckin MURKED MAN lmao at least he tried

•Mama Midoriya is Best Mom she worries so much

Episode 16: In Their Own Quirky Ways

•KIRI BREAKING THROUGH THE FUCKING ROBOT SCREAMING IM ALIVE HOLY FUCK (Also Testu bursting through too. Intro to the Hard Boi Twins)

•Lets go Sero and Tokoyami!!

•All Might’s little YES watching Mido using the robot part as a launcher for the explosion warms my heart he’s so proud of his boy

•MIDO vs. TODO vs. BAKU YES BITCH ITS THE BOYS

•”THIS JUST IN ERASURE HEAD IS A TERRIBLE TEACHER” “wait wHAT” I love 2 chaotic teachers

•Shiggy you’re gross please invest in some cortisone skin cream it majorly helps my eczema it can help you too sweetie

•”the 1st place winner is worth...10 MILLION” Everybody around Mido: Activate Instant Kill

Midoriya my boy rUN

Episode 17: Strategy, Strategy, Strategy

•”Wait, remind me of your quirks again. And your names” Bakugou I’m gonna kick your entitled ass square up babe

•Kiri we get it you want Bakugou to top you. Also I love how Bakugou’s just like let’s fucKIN GOOO SHITTY HAIR

•Iida I love your dramatic over-energetic ass so much

•”TEAM UP WITH ME PERSON IN FIRST PLACE”

“YOURE SO CLOSE TO ME WHO ARE YOU???” Hatsume please. Take a dozen chill pills

•Ah. There he is. Monoma. Rat Boi 3000. Let’s go babey

•MY FAVORITE BIRD BOYS YAMI AND DARK SHADOW COMIN IN CLUTCH

•Ah. Cue the Daddy Drama

•This game is just Kill Midoriya, huh

•Monoma is a pro monologuer and honestly? I respect that. But then again it doesn’t take much to get Bakugou riled up

Episode 18: Cavalry Battle Finale

•Shouji is a SCARY BADASS and deserves more acknowledgement

•no matter your opinion on him, Monoma is an interesting character and has a REALLY COOL QUIRK

•Endeavor? Just. Shut up

•Bakugou- I am powered by rage and nothing else

•”Has anyone seen Deku?”

Todoroki: tragic backstory time

Episode 19: The Boy Born With Everything

•Yo FUCK Endeavor lives, man

•Mido ”so why did you bring me here”

Todo ”...soooo THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT WHY I’m depressed/ also are you All Might’s secret love child or something?”

•Okay but All Might asking Endeavor on how to raise a powerful child I’m cackling. But the more Enji talks, the more All Might’s just like “what the fuck are you doing to your kid??”

•Todoroki’s whole monologue is literally just him over sharing and rambling about his trauma I love it

•Bakugou why you being such a creep boo

•”He’s like a comic book character” BITCH YOU ARE TOO YOU’RE ALL LITERALLY SUPERHERO TEENAGERS JFC

•Midoriya telling his friends/rivals “I’m gonna beat you” is basically just his equivalent of “I have a crush on you” change my mind

•Kaminari. I’m disappointed in you. I expected the uniforms from Mineta but come on dude

•Ojirou is so PURE long live Tail Boi he is also too under appreciated and he is just. So good

•KIRISHIMA CRYING OVER MANLY MEN I LOVE HIM

•Kendo is best girl Class 1B

•”Uraraka? Who the hells that?” Bakugou don’t be fuKING RUDE

•SHINSOUSHINSOUSHINSOUSHINSOUUUUU

•Midoriya what did Ojirou fucking TELL YOU

EPISODE 20: Victory or Defeat

•Dadzawa activated, time to adopt a Sleepy Boy into the Hero Course

•Complete BAMF Midoriya has been UNLOCKED PEOPLE

•Poor Shinsou when he goes “im used to people thinking I’m a bad guy” I just couldn’t NOT think of Billie Eilish IM SORRY now I have Bad Guy stuck in my head YOU DID SO GOOD BABY IM PROUD OF YOU

•”Spooky IM A GHOST???” God I love All Might

•”Stop rebelling Shouto”

“It’s NoT a PhaSe DaD”

•Todoroki did you have to go so HARD BRUH WHAT THE FUCK YOU DEPRESSED SHOW OFF

Episode 21: Battle On, Challengers!

•Lmao get wrecked Denki

•Mama Kendo to the rescue come get yo kids

•Everyone at Mido, Please. Shut the fuck up and stop being CREEPY

•Midnight. Please stop lusting over your students it’s gross

•Hatsume played Iida like a fiddle and I’m crying baby boy tried so hard

•WE RESPECT OUR ALIEN QUEEN MINA ASHIDO

•Poor Momo

•KIRI vs. TESTU I LOVE HARD BOI TWINS

•Bakubabe you’re so UGLY I can’t why is your face like that

Episode 22: Bakugou VS. Uraraka

•”Pink Cheeks” Bakugou just learn your classmates names it’s not that hard

•Ochaco is so fucking STRONG

•”like I always suspected. Bakugou’s a total sadist” sometimes Mineta is just. Accurate.

•Can we please talk about how Aizawa was just like “The FUCK are y’all talking about Bakugou is doing what he’s supposed to do in these games it doesn’t matter if his opponents a girl or not y’all are DUMB” like THANK YOU AIZAWA

•Mic has no chill I miss him real talk we don’t get enough Present Mic

•”You’re wrong Kacchan” YOU TELL HIM MIDO

•Bakubitch may be a little much sometimes and I get why a lot of people don’t like him but he does understand his classmates ARE also strong and powerful and you know he respects them in his own weird way even though he’ll never admit it

•KIRI WINS THE ARM WRESTLING MATCH THATS MY FAVORITE BOY

•We love supportive parents (Ochaco’s parents. Fuck Endeavor. Just leave these kids aloonnneeeee you asshat)

•MIDO vs. TODO LETS GO BOYYSSS

•”I’m not worried about a couple of kids” you’re clearly not worried about your crusty skin either Shiggy learn some priorities

Episode 23: Shoto Todoroki: Origin

•IT’S SHOUTO TIME YALL

•All that power in one little fucking finger what the FUCK Mido also PLEASE STOP BREAKING YOUR BONES “I’ve only got 6 more chances” well there go your fucking hands my dude

•Aaaaand there goes your arm

•”You haven’t been able to put a single scratch on me yet, Todoroki” you’re doing a pretty good job of that by yourself Midoriya

•Baby Shouto kills me every time IM GONNA FIGHT ENDEAVOR

•IT’S YOURS. YOUR QUIRK NOT HIS. ITS YOUR POWER T O D O R O K I

•SHOUTOOOOOO

•Shouji grabbing Mineta by the leg so that he doesn’t fly away oh my god

•Endeavor and All Might come get y’all kids

•Midoriya’s fuckin dead rest in fucking pieces you masochist

Episode 24: Fight On, Iida

•Okay but why is Endeavor such a fucking Brick House holy fuck absolute unit of pure shit

•”In his first match he looked so sad. I was trying to figure out why...” it’s because you have a crush Mido

•And the first of many scars appears

•Recovery Girl is right and she should say it

•All Might said Quirkless Rights send tweet

•AHH TENSEI NOOOOO

•Highkey completely forgot about Stain OH WAIT THAT MEANS THE INTERNSHIPS ARE NEXT I really forgot the whole timeline wow

•Explosion Boy vs. Shitty Hair I love competitive boyfriends but Jesus Bakugou

•Testu cheering for his new friend tho? That’s the content I love to see

•Legacy Children Battle (Iida vs. Todoroki)

•”I didn’t know he couldn’t kick like that” he is ALL LEGS that’s literally his quirk Denki what do you mean

•Anybody fighting Todoroki: time to drag a Sad Bitch

•TENSEEIIIIIIII

•Bruh why did Iida tense up like that was your phone up your ass dude???

•Yo Stain is ugly as fuck

Episode 25: Todoroki VS. Bakugou

•Lmao Midoriya literally triggered Todoroki into using his Left Side

•And Todoroki triggered Bakugou by asking about his past friendship with Midoriya these boys are a MESS

•oh look it’s a Fucking Fire Gremlin

•BOOM BOOM BITCH THOUGHT YOU’D SEEN THE LAST OF ME HALF AND HALF BASTARD

•oh my GOD Endeavor shut UUPPPP

•Everyone listening to Bakugou go off at Todoroki: ...please seek some therapy

•SUPPORTIVE BOYFRIEND MIDO TO THE RESCUE

•The first time I saw this I highkey thought Bakugou actually killed Todoroki.

•Bakugou going feral for winning I can’t he literally looks like a trapped wolf

•We respect Tokoyami in this house

•About Bakugou ”Look at that face” I’d really rather not

•I’m sorry but Mineta sitting on Shouji’s shoulders is actually adorable

•Iida running through the hospital to his brother: It’s Loss

•I love the Iida Brothers so. Fucking. MUCH

•Shouto I’m so proud of you sweetheart

•Honestly I need more family stuff they’re all so interesting in their own ways and it’s a nice reminder that yes these are just kids and they have lives outside of hero school

SO that wraps up the Sports Festival Arc! I’m going to do the second half of Season 2/ The Internship Arc/ Final Exams all in one post so get ready for another long one ✌🏽

Survey #76

“yeah, you’re a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good.”

do you ever think about what went wrong in your last relationship? we each made mistakes, and i feel more certain of this now that jason and i have talked. i, for one, gave up on life while still being alive. on jason's end, he, too, gave up on me instead of trying to rebuild me. do you know your best friend’s middle name? yes, colleen. she goes by her middle name, but her "real" name is elizabeth. you have to get a piercing, what do you get? vertical labret on my lip. would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? a standard poodle. ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs? no. mom denies it and got pissed once when i mentioned it, but we once lived in sharpsburg, and that was totally the ghetto. do you own a gun? as i'm mentally ill/have had suicidal tendencies, i legally can't. my mother even can't because i live with her. would you rather sleep with someone or alone? with someone. while it's less comfortable, it's comforting. are there any songs that remind you of falling snow? or any songs that remind you of winter time but are not necessarily about that? dude, i have noooo idea why, but for whatever reason, "dreamer" by ozzy osbourne definitely brings to mind winter for me personally. is there anything coming out soon (books, albums, movies, video games) that you're looking forward to? hmmm, i don't think so... but then again, i live under a rock and am not informed on what's coming out so- wAIT IS OUTLAST 2 OUT YET what is something you wish you had learned earlier that you know now? how would this have helped you if you'd known it then? i don't know if there's anything, honestly... i used to say i wish i'd known jason would leave me, but i guess i don't now. because i loved, beyond explanation. i loved with such a naive innocence, and i don't regret that. when you’re interested in someone, do you let them know? according to my history, i do. what was the last compliment you received? someone liked my hair. i got compliments on it non-stop at the hospital. do you have any siblings? are they older / younger? 
 including half-siblings, tiffany, misty, bobby, katie, and ashley are older. nicole is younger. have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? it has been pierced before, and i plan on doing it again very soon. favorite shoes you have EVER owned? the finding nemo once i had as a kid were fly as FUCK allergic to? pollen and silver favorite fruit? strawberries who was your first prom date? jason where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent’s house? i lived with jason, amanda, and jacob. if you were to have sex right now, would you use a condom? in almost all cases, yes. the only situation where i wouldn't is if i was with jason at this very moment and he wanted to have sex, and he didn't have any. just apply the pull out method, and besides that, i shouldn't be ovulating right now, so i wouldn't get pregnant. do you think it’s bad to have sex at your age? no, i'm an adult. have you ever wanted to get drunk and take your mind off of everything? i sure have. how long do you think you will live? eh, probably early 80s, maybe even 70s... i'm not the healthiest person, mentally and physically. have you ever been stung by a bee? i have not. do you like the snow? very much so. how old are you? do you feel as old as you are? i am 21, but i certainly don't feel it. does the quality of a video, on youtube or a television, matter to you? at least very mildly, sure. it needs to be watchable at least. do you tend to listen to music that embraces your mood or does music dictate your mood? is it a little bit of both? i tend to embrace my mood with the music i pick. are there any books or films that have influenced your philosophy? if so, is there one you could name in particular? "johnny got his gun," i r8 8/8 what is the cutest animal? meerkat pups, oh my GOSH what seasons seems most fitting to your personality? in what ways and why? autumn, because everything is dying. :'D do you think you would be a good parent? i don't know, honestly... blue, black, or red pens; or another color? black do you like watching people play video games? yes, i do!! idk why, it's just entertaining to me. when was the last time you swam in a pool?  years ago what are your parents views on sex? err, in regards to what about it exactly? have you ever babysat before? yeah, for the neighbor. if your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away what would you do?  i'd be pretty devastated, honestly. if your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do?  well that'd be a problem, as she's married to a man. i'd be pretty concerned about what she'd do. have you ever dreamed about your wedding? i have. do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of facebook? nope. j and my pictures are still up there. ever plaigarised? no. i have too much respect as a writer. do you edit your profile pictures before posting them?  i do minor adjustments, of course. i was a digital photography student, we know aaall about the mandatory deception of editing. :P what's your middle name?  marie what's your wallpaper on your phone? lock screen is the bogeyman from "silent hill: downpour," but the artwork is from "anne's story." home screen is pyramid head from the white hunter comic. favorite tv commercial? the dirty mr. clean commercial mAKES ME SOB YA'LL SHOULDA SEEN ME THE OTHER DAY I WAS DONE what is your favorite type of cat?  hmmm. persians, sphinxes, ragdoll, etc... what religion were you raised in? are you still that religion, if you had one? catholicism, and no. i'm christian now. would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? nooooo. how many times is your cartilage pierced in your ears?  once. do you prefer to spend more time with your SO, family, or friends? why? in my history, my s.o. jason really just touched this part of my brain that just REALLY made me happy. if you see a homeless person asking for money, do you give them any? i'm not going to lie, no. i don't know that person, and WAY too many assholes are deceptive little shits. what will immediately disqualify a potential SO?  smoking, doing drugs, excessive drinking, abusive past, and i'm certain there are others i'm forgetting... i am honestly VERY picky. when was the last time you really panicked? when i overdosed a few days back. do you ever get eczema? nope. have you ever witnessed a serious physical fight? i have not. is there anyone you would do literally anything for?  honestly, yes. i'd kill for jason. it's very unhealthy and i wish the mentality would stop, but i honestly can't do much about it... do you enjoy corn on the cob?  i do. in your opinion, what's the ideal age to start having children? about mid-20s. what's the longest you've ever slept in one go? it HAD to be almost 12 hours. jason and i were up almost the entire night being horny whores and when i fell asleep, i was GONE. have you ever dated someone with an accent different than yours? no. does caffeine affect you, or not so much?  not very much at all. would you ever want to follow down the career path of your parents? no. but then again, they both dropped out of/didn't go to college, so... guess i'm not too far off. do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? *sexual moaning* if you have any tattoos, do you reckon you might regret them when you get older and have children? i sure won't. is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? what? just gonna say there's a reason they're divorced. do you act differently around the person you like? i mean, i'm happier. kissed someone you didn’t like?  on the cheek, never on the lips. ran a red light? no. experienced love at first sight?  nope. pointed a gun at someone?  no. had a gun pointed at you? no. dumped someone?  yep. lied to avoid a ticket? no. ridden in a helicopter? no. made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? i woulda preferred you to rip my fucking heart out. eaten snake?  omg no. puked on amusement ride?  no. been in a band? nope. been in handcuffs? i've been in full-body shackles on one occasion. i was going from the mental hospital to the court. what is your favorite breakfast food? pancakes. who do you (romantically) love? my ex, jason. do you enjoy kissing?  sure, yeah. what about making out? i r8 8/8 m8 where are you most ticklish? MY FEET HOLY SHIT where do you want to get married? gothic-styled mansion or similar building pls do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? yes. have you ever slow danced to a song you didn't know? no. if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? south africa. i want to photograph the meerkats at the kalahari meerkat project. describe your perfect partner. his name's jason. would you prefer to be a vampire or a werewolf? vampire, i think. the werewolf transformation seems painful. most embarrassing moment?  borderline having a panic attack because i was like really close to having an orgasm for the first time and i didn't understand what was happening to my body lmao. jason was super cute and sweet about it though and helped me calm down. would you ever consider getting married?  i want to get married. if it were possible, what exotic animal would you keep as a pet? if it weren't so bad for them, i'd totally have a meerkat. what is your least favorite thing about your appearance?  my stomach. ew. have you ever had a bonfire on the beach?  no, but that sounds cool. do you listen to music while driving?  it has to be VERY quiet. or else i can't concentrate. have you ever received an autograph from a celebrity?  no. can you honestly say you’ve been drunk before? i have. is there a certain color of eyeshadow you prefer, if you wear eyeshadow? black as my soul. would you ever do something you didn't enjoy sexually just to please your partner? depends on what, really. like there are some situations where i'd absolutely draw the line, but here's an example: i don't like oral, but i guess i'd give it sometimes if it made him happy. when was the last time you watched south park?  probably not since j and i were together... i remember one occasion where we chilled in my room for hours watching it. are you italian? no. where’s the nearest game stop near you?  in rocky mount, by wal-mart. do you have any best friends that you only know online? i guess i still consider mini at least a very close friend, despite not talking much. i have other very close friends too, but not best, i guess. if you could, would you want to stay young forever? yes. being elderly is just, in general, inconvenient. not saying old people are, just the state of being old is. are you interested in anime? no more, no less than the usual person. hogwarts house: just took a quiz, and apparently i'm a mix of all? i very well coulda been off, 'cuz there was a lot of harry potter terminology that i don't know... what’s “out of bounds” for you during sex?  do. not. hit me aggressively. main thing. hickies - get ‘em or give ‘em?  i enjoy getting 'em, enjoy giving 'em. are you okay with rough sex?  hell yeah. i think i'd prefer soft and sensual more frequently, but i'm not totally opposed to just fucking. how big was the biggest dick you’ve ever seen? was it in a porn or in real life?  this survey sure took a sexual turn. but i've only ever seen one penis, so... how do you feel about daddy dom/little girl roleplaying?  nO JUST NO do you have any sexual regrets? i regret not going all the way with j. he was my first love, and he deserved to know me in every single way possible. have you had anal?  no, and i don't want it. do you like to spank/be spanked? i like being spanked, but not too hard. do you like teasing or would you rather get straight to the point? tEASE TEASE TEEEEEAAAAAASE are you able to have emotionless sex? fuck that. sex should be the epitome of physical displays of affection, imo. does penis size really matter?  honest to god, i don't care. it's not like a man can choose how "well-off" he is. describe an orgasm. oh wow. i don't actually think i've ever properly orgasmed, but i was extremely close once and totally panicked. it felt totally otherworldly, and i honestly felt like screaming, puking, and just exploding all at once??? i was so scared at first, but as i calmed down, shit was awesome. what’s the longest time you’ve had sex for? never had sex, but done sexual things for hours... like, all night. if you could change the person you lost your virginity to, would you? i would change the fact i didn't lose my virginity to jason. what’s something sexual that you thought you wouldn’t like, but ended up liking? anr/abf surprised the FUCK out of me. i honestly thought it'd be really awkward and uncomfortable, but it's honestly an extremely stimulating and motherly sensation okay i'll stop before this turns into a pornish thing. but basically it taught me ya can't totally judge some things 'til you try it. give your best sex advice, GO. uhhh. ever tried sucking on your partner's tongue while making out? turned my ex the fuck on, at least. would you say you’re good in bed?  have evidence i was good enough. do you like gagging on cock/having someone gag on your cock? why? i just choked on my fucking drink. but no, because i like air. when it comes to oral, are you gentle? do you use your hands too?  i. was so. timid giving oral. i was so scared i was going to hurt him. i don't think i've ever used my hands at the same time. okay, how do you feel about handjobs? since we were stuck with foreplay due to my abstinence, we relied on handjobs a lot. they're great. have you had any unwanted pain during sex? i've had pain while being fingered, sure. but i guess it wasn't entirely unwanted. has anyone drew blood from you during sex, whether it was by cutting, biting, or scratching? how did you feel about that? no, never. have you ever fucked someone who was sad? did it help them emotionally or make it worse?  i'm sure i have, and he's done it to me when i was sad plenty of times, and yes, it's honestly a great mood booster. are you more submissive or dominant? i'm definitely more submissive. who’s your ideal sexual partner?  jason was nothing short of perfect. are you accepting “applications” for a partner? lmao fuck that i don't do no "applications" for this kinda shit. who was your first kiss with? first person to kiss me was juan, but the first person i kissed who reciprocated my kiss was jason. how far have you gone sexually? depends on how you rank sexual things, idk...? did you shave your legs today? done with the sexual questions, eh? anyway, no. have you ever made out with someone in public at all? no. do you think masturbation is dirty? not necessarily dirty, just lustful. have you ever made out in a hot tub? *adds to bucket list* do you play with the other persons hair when you kiss? jason had long hair for a male, to his shoulders, and yeah, i liked playing with it. have you ever smoked pot? nope. do you sing in front of people? NOOOOO. ever lived in a trailer park? no. have you ever had dandruff? no, but i have a dry scalp. though both cause flaking, they're still different. what would people say about you at your funeral?  i was very quiet and thought too much. what lessons in life did you learn to hard way? your actions have consequences. would you ever give up your life to save another?  i'm not going to pretend to be a superhero. it depends on who it is. what is stopping you from living the life you want to live?  money, health, willpower... ever held a newborn animal? kittens, yes. how do you dress when you’re not at work? i don't have a job, so. but when i'm home anyway, i'm dressed for comfort, usually in my pajamas. if i'm going out, i will dress usually in something like yoga pants and a graphic tee. do you care overly about other people? the only person i'd say i care "overly" about is jason. what was your favorite pokemon as a child? charmander (: do you know what the heck the difference is between the statements “we’re just dating” and “we’re together”?   technically the same in my honest opinion, but at the same time, "we're dating" also sounds more casual. if a person is brought up speaking both spanish and english in equal amounts and equally fluently, which language do they think in?   *KA-BOOM* have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?   it was pierced for many years, and i'm planning on getting it re-pierced very soon. last film you watched?   i just finished "finding dory" actually, now i'm watching "zootopia." when consuming a beverage that comes in a can, do you prefer to drink it directly from the can or do you pour it into a cup?   i like to drink it from the can.  tastes sliiightly different and is colder. what do you do to cure a headache?   sleep or take medicine. do you still possess any belongings from your childhood? do they hold some special significance?   absolutely.  i actually have two things i call "treasure boxes" where i hold certain, very special belongings.  nostalgia overdose. are any of your fingers or toes deformed? what about the nails?   no.  i would, however, call one of my nails unusual.  my right ring finger, its nail curves inward towards the base definitely more than it should.  it's so weird considering both my immediate sisters have it, too. when yawning, do you cover your mouth?   always in public, yes.  it just seems polite. as a kid, did you love playing on neopets?   neopets and webkinz were my SHIT.  i was more into webkinz, but neopets was amazing, too.  i loved the dragon one and the newer one that looked like a doggish thing with a stripe going down its body?  i think it started with an "x"? what is the background on your desktop? why’d you choose that?   on my own laptop, it's trico and the boy from "the last guardian" bc i love that game and its artwork.  on the laptop i've been using for like three months, it's a picture of my sister ashley and her baby aubree at the beach. are you comfortable with people going through your phone?   no, and i don't know why, actually...?  like i have NOTHING bad on there, it's just... weird? do you tend to daydream a lot? if so, about what?   i do, aaaaa lot.  aaand it's always about jason. e_e have any interesting conversations lately?   ohhh god.  not necessarily a convo, but lemme just make this known. chelsea: *creates fire w/ hairspray and lighter* *screams ensue* YOU ALMOST MADE ME COME HARDER THAN JASON EVER HAS then came the laughter and the stomachache from all the heaving what do you have pierced on you?   now?  only my ear lobes, and i'm livid about it.  i had to take my fucking piercings out at the hospital, and they closed up.  my ear lobes didn't tho, i guess 'cuz i've had them since childhood... but i am actually pissed. where do your grandparents live?   maternal: well, she technically lives in florida, but stays in new york with her son's family a load.  paternal: michigan. pencils; mechanical or traditional?   mechanical, by far.  eliminates the need to sharpen. what was the last zoo/aquarium you went to?   asheboro zoo or whatever it's called. what is the last big risk you took? did it pay off?   talking to jason face-to-face, absofuckinglutely.  that could've so easily ended in another suicide attempt.  but anyway, yes, it paid off. what's the closest you've come to death?   overdosing, i guess. what chocolate is your favorite?   milk who is your favorite blogger?  i don't really have one. what was the best thing you were given?  jason's love and attention, even if just for three and a half years of my life. have you ever cheated on your partner?  nope. are you over your past?  not in the slightest. did you try to change for a person?  ha.  he left too soon to give me a chance. e_e are you in a good or bad mood?   eh, i'm good for now. name someone you can’t live without.   no one.  after losing jason, well, i'm sure i can survive without anyone, ultimately. are you a crybaby?   10/10 do people praise you for your looks?   no. SEXIEST disney character that's not human?   okay sorrynotsorry but scar and steele are SEXY do you believe in the phrase “if it’s meant to be, it will be”?  ha!  no, sorry.  i refuse to believe jason and i weren't "meant to be." what do you put on hotdogs?  ketchup and mustard do you know how to play chess?   no. did you/are you going to go to prom?  i went to jason's senior and my senior.  man... i remember how shy he was when he asked me... it was so cute. :/ what’s the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? having a pilonidal cyst opened and drained while still conscious and insufficiently drugged.  FUCK THAT. what’s the most emotionally/mentally painful thing you’ve ever experienced?   jason leaving me. have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life?   not to my knowledge. are you a very open or private person?   open online, private af irl what do you get complimented on the most?  my hair who was the last person you talked about sex with?  chelsea or colleen what was the last deep conversation you had about?   jason.  i was talking with chelsea. why do some girls become so dependent on their boyfriend/husband?   well, i, for one, was rather dependent on jason, and it was because i needed a pillar, and he was strong, but i guess i put too much weight on him... i had no fucking idea it was too much.  as well, it was because i am not an independent person.  i'm a follower and act like a dog on a leash towards the people i trust.  it's simply my desire to be a loyal companion.  i don't know how to change that. do you enjoy going to church?   i do, but not for TOO long. what do you have tattoos of/what do you want tattoos of?   oh god.  you asked for it.  as for tats i have, i have a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist, "perfectly flawed" written on my left, upper arm, and "ohana" written on my right collarbone.  as for what i want, i have about 100 ideas, but i'm going to only list the ones i am quite serious about.  my next tat is of "denialism" by da's tatchit, and it's going on my right upper arm as a half-sleeve.  here's the list: - "... and you ain't got his smile" written maybe under my left breast.  it's a harley quinn quote, and i want it as dedication to jason.  which no, i will not regret. - the magic sigil thing from "shadow of the colossus" somewhere - either a pyramid head, robbie the rabbit, or halo of the sun tat to pay tribute to "silent hill" - "he who knows pain is dangerous" written somewhere, which is a rammstein lyric, in either english or maybe german - spider sternum tattoo - a hydra coming towards the viewer with "from slave to master, i've become the hydra" (otep lyric) written in a semi-circle above it.  i honestly want this on my lower stomach, like, starting above my private, but i most likely will not do this.  still thinking of where to relocate it. - "i believe what doesn't kill you simply makes you stranger" written somewhere, a quote from the joker. - "how long is forever?" "sometimes, just one second" from "alice in the wonderland."  i want the quotes in speech bubbles vertical of each other. - a harley quinn-esque design with "rotten" written on it.  on my right asscheek.  yeah.  talk about slutty lmao. - a large viper on one of my hips. - three sketch-style arrows going down my left lower arm - "once upon a time, i ripped the wings from my spine, but when i hide inside your eyes, i still pretend that i can fly" (otep lyric) written along my spine I HAVE SO MUCH MORE.  but my phone's dead (i have more ideas on there) and i have even more saved to my dead computer... are most of the adults you know married or divorced?   divorced... it's so sad. :/ when was the last time you were mistaken for a mom?   at therapy some time ago.  mom was with me, and she was babysitting. what is your mom’s and dad’s favorite tv show?   mom's: "the big bang theory," probably.  dad, idk. have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair?   nope do you think buying second hand clothes is gross?   certainly not. does it gross you out when your parents kiss?   well, they're divorced, sooo... does your dad swear?   yeah. do you sweat easily?   i sweat like an obese pig.  it's due to one of my medications. if your last kiss asked you on a date, what would you say?   "absolutely!" when you like someone, do you picture what your children will look like?   no. when was the last time you drank strawberry milk?   elementary school when i tried it for the first time.  absolutely fucking disgusting. do you own a pair of fingerless gloves?   yup.  i was big into that in high school. did you have a good driver’s ed teacher?   he was fine, but i am 100% certain that on one occasion, if i had listened to him, we would have died. if you have siblings, which one of you is going to be married first?   ashley's already married, i'll probably never find anyone, so i guess nicole's next. did you kiss the last person you really wanted to kiss?   like, do you mean did i kiss him the last time i wanted to kiss him?  if so, no.  he barely even let me hug him. when your last relationship ended, how long was it before you felt ready to think about being with someone else?   it's been over a year and i still don't feel entirely ready. do you think it’s wrong for someone to commit themselves to a long-term relationship at a young age? explain.   no, and there's no real need to explain...?  obviously, even young people are capable of sincere love? are you legal to drink?   yep. do you have any dirty pictures on your cellphone?   i do not. what do you want more than anything in this world?   jason. last time you felt physical pain?   earlier today.  my stomach was hurting. last time you felt emotional pain?   i'm clinically depressed.  i live with emotional pain. what are you listening to?   "american horror story" is on.  it's actually a ptsd trigger, so i'm trying to watch it again to like... edit the memory.  i'm doing it with chelsea so i won't be alone. do you like your handwriting?   i do. do you own any dresses? if so, what colors are they?   i do not.  i wish. when was the last time you went tanning?   never. have you ever been in a car accident?   quite a mild one.