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jls-9 · 3 years

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Go Easy On Me - Breaking up with my BFF 😭😞😢

Dear Leah,

I feel as though our relationship is one-sided. It's been this way for a while, but I know that both of us have gone through phases in our lives where our character's were a little off but this is lasting way too long. It's one-sided in terms of forgiveness and acceptance specifically. You have hung up abruptly on me so many times because you couldn't talk because you were busy. I do it one time and you're offended. I don't always appreciate your tone of voice but you're my bff so you get automatic forgiveness. When you were hanging out with Chantel, you were treating me with HUGE disrespect that didn't go unnoticed. I just auto-forgive because you're my bff and I knew you were being influenced again. Whenever you encounter someone with even a remotely strong personality you start to adopt ALL of their beliefs however harmful they may be to yourself or your relationships (i.e., Ritchie and his opinions = risk on corrupting your worldview, Melissa/anit-vaxer/anti-Jenny = risk on Chase's life and risk on our friendship, Chantel and her toxic opinions and negativity = risk on your mental health and huge risk on our friendship and your opinions of me.

Examples of your harsh judgments:

1) I called you to chat one day. You told me not to call you anymore when I was drunk because I remind you of your Dad with my slurred speech and it triggers you. I totally understand this even though I was surprised at the way you spoke to me and hurt by it. I just felt like I was being spoken down to like an insect. Then you called ME to chat one day and I said, "I'm sorry I'm drunk I can't chat," trying to respect your boundaries. You said, "Oh no worries, you're a happy drunk anyway, plus I need to tell you something." So I realized then that this friendship is totally ALL on your terms! Also, a couple days later you called me drunk and high. It's SO not fair.

2) One day I called you to tell you how I experienced weird synchronicities on the purchase of a lottery ticket. The ticket was purchased through my payroll at work where they take a small incremental amount off of 5 paychecks which is why I was able to afford it. You interrupted me before I got to the end of my story/sentence and said, "So you spent $350 on lottery tickets? I have to go. Bye!" It's so rude to be cut off mid-sentence and then have a judgement being cast upon you when the person doesn't even know the full story. It was through my work and coming incrementally off my paycheck. But you wouldn't know that because you hung up. I barely ever buy lottery tickets because I think they're a waste of money, and the one time I buy them I get this extremely harsh judgement. And from my bff. It's fuckin' hurtful!

I really didn't like when you were doing the escort thing because it worried the shit out of me for the following reasons: 1) I was scared someone would hurt you; I was scared someone would get involved and find out where you live and hurt you and Chase; 3) I was scared you'd get in trouble with the police; 4) I was scared you'd get HIV or something life-threatening. I stayed by your side and made sure to keep in your ear, saying things like, "I'm worried for your health T, please make sure to wear condoms. I'm worried for your safety T, do you think you can clean houses for extra money instead?" Melissa cut you off. I didn't because firstly, I love you and I just couldn't do that. Secondly, if anything you might need my help and support so why would I abandon you? A real true friend doesn't do that. I get ZERO recognition for this!

Another thing I don't get recognition for is how I told you how to go about applying for a grant to get psychoanalytical testing done to get diagnosed with ADHD and an anxiety disorder so that you could get extra time on exams and extra help while at Humber College. Now that you're diagnosed you're able to get help in general too. I get zero recognition. One day we were even talking about it and you said,"Really? I don't remember that."

3) You pass poison onto me. Your Sister said, "I can't believe Jenny is STILL in school." You told me that and it made me cry, and then you even said, "I just didn't say anything to her." Basically, you didn't stick up for me. It hurts. I'm just trying to improve my life and my financial position and it's taking me a little while that's all. I don't have a lot of supports and you're one of my only supports, so that judgement hurt.

4) I was talking with you one day about how you and your family are my family because I choose it. A few days later, you call me and say that you were talking to Chantel and you guys were having a discussion saying, "Can you reaalllly choose your family? Can you? I don't think so." Completely devalidating my acceptance in your family. Being in and out of foster homes and having a Father who didn't want a relationship with me, this is a feeling that I'm way too familiar with. A feeling that I am always trying to get away from.

5) You told me one day that you and Chantel were talking and taking stalk of how much value your friends have. You were saying that physical help like taking care of Chase, helping you run errands, or providing financial assistance is of high value to you. The way you were wording it sounded like you were trying to tell me that you and Chantel decided that I'm a low value friend. I know I've struggled with money while out here in Alberta (and forever really), and I can't be there physically to help but these aren't things that I can't control. Also, I could use help too but I never devalued my friendship with you. The mentality is like, "What can Jenny do for ME?" It's just so one-sided.

For the LONGEST time that I can remember (which is back when I was working at the Regina Leader Post in 2010), I've had you listed as my main beneficiary if I die. And the only one on the list too. I don't know what higher position of importance I can give someone. I just feel like you have such a low value on me in return. Sometimes I even felt like you hated me, but I convinced myself that it's impossible and that I'm imagining things. It gets hard making excuses and lying to myself about the way you talk to me and the hurtful things you say in between the lines. It gets really really hard when it goes on for way to long.

Also, the silent treatment you give me sometimes is emotionally manipulative and anxiety provoking.

There is also MULTIPLE other times where you would just get off the phone with either Melissa or Chantel and then talk to me and take all these little jabs at me in between the lines. I'm done being judged by you! It ends NOW!!!

I love you Leah. That will never change and you'll always be in my heart and in my prayers. And I hope to see you on the other side one day when we are both healed and can see things clearly.

P.S. I had to hang up because I was on a phone call and accidentally hit "end and accept" instead of "decline." I was on a telephone interview for a job in Aurora, Ontario. Trying to get closer to you. That's what I called you about this morning. I was excited to tell you about it because she seemed so interested in me over email.

Love,

Jenny ❤

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