#ans now this post is even more triggering
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A comment to a post on reddt asking how effective the 20 day has been for bambis
Hi so bambi has been through jte 20 day 3 tomes now. Eachbsort of takes her futher each time. Like she will liste for a while then take a break while sort of "making changes" or alterations and then allowing them to sort of plau out.
So like thr first time through she ended up exploring some aspected old selfmhad wanted to explore more amd it realky helped old self to lossen up some and do a few things she'd only sort of fantasized about.
It also helped her bult and solidify her relationshil witj her Owner ams sort od start aclimate her Owner to the idea of having a bambi ofntheir own 😋💖
Prodesionalky it helped old self sort of reflect more and get a sense of the tool sets and suck she was needing to develop. And also help her establish a good stsrting relatiknship witj her new boss (who has really helped to support and mentor old self/bambi)
And it had a sort of spirt connection with bambi too.
Second time throu bambi really didnet hadve thensense ofnchange and progress she can feel and see now but like itnreally sort of helped old self reconnect deeper with aspecrs of her femme. She dendintyy got into pink more.
Work wise she lkke became a girl boss? Like hope thay are sexy too? There's bimbo girl bosses rite? Ummm anywau... so yeah
And then more poinpink yeah and maybe more relaxed.
Supoorted Owner in their school and work in being the more brainy one We even joke aboutnthay 💖 bambi also jokes about the day she gets to call her Owner Master 💕💖💕
Oh yeah she was also called on to do officate a wedding for a bestie fridnd of bambi. Ans so yeah that too.
And this time is like third time just finisjed before the new year.
So bambi bambi listens to bambi almost constnt. Old self has been better about a process for when bambi is able to listen but gives lots of times for that.
Has ben wearinf makeup a lot more when going out. Owner has been playjg with bambis triggers a little more. Bambi got a promotion just before she finished her last 20 day
So how is it going?
So pretty fucking good 💖
Ty bambi 💕
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Actually, on the tangent of Zane's system (more then likely, notably named, the Snow System), it is fairly small, and very supportive of each other.
The first host was pre-memory switch, from when his father first built him. He technically got lost after the switch got flipped, which then came another host: Zane
Zane finds himself the most human, even post amnesia the first time. Even now, he finds himself very human, and often gets dysphoria from not being human.
Post-switch brings back the first host, that embraces the robotic nature ("I know who I am!"). While he also goes by Zane, as at this point, no one is aware of it, he eventually develops his own identity, post titanium, as Titan (short for Titanium). Titan and Zane tended to co-host together when it was just the two of them, finding ways to help each other out. Especially when the body looked more human, Zane would assure Titan. And when the body became more robotic, Titan to Zane.
However, when Pixal resides in his body post titanium and forward, it causes a bit of confusion in his coding, thusly developing another. She often refers to herself as Pixie, in honor of Pixal, and is an introject of her. She handles a lot of computing within the body, but generally doesn't front. She's often a co-fronter to help with whoever is in front.
Those three had a pretty good system going on, helping each other out and taking over when needed. They didn't actually suspect of being a system.
That was, until Snake came along.
Snake Jaguar was such a heavy contrast compared to Zane, Titan, and Pixie, that even post-SoG, that the team started suspecting quickly of something going on. Allowing Pixal to run a diagnostic was more of a hassle than they intended. Titan, Pixie, and Zane all co-ed together that they didn't need a gatekeeper, nor did any of them have the power to gatekeep.
It's not that Snake was a bad guy, he was just stubborn. Similar to Zane, Snake found himself more human. Ans given he had the ability to swap forms from human to metallic- Well, you see the trouble that happened. He avidly denied being a nindroid, until Titan was able to push front, and allow the diagnostic to run.
That's when everyone found out about all five of them.
Wait, five?
That's right: Five.
Shortly after Snake, was an introject of Echo found. They had been there, 'disabled' since post-season 6. Jay said a few things, eventually triggering they're awakening, and everything got addressed. Well, mainly from Zane's body to the rest of the headmates. They discussed basic rules, of how everything works pre-Snake and Echo, and duties expected.
Titan and Zane are hosts, with Titan being a protector, and Zane is a symptom holder.
Pixie is a caretaker, mainly of mental and emotional levels, but she also takes care of the body's code.
Snake started as a misguided protector, given that the first thing he had to do was harm the team to protect them, but now serves as a trauma holder.
Echo is an archivist, able to store any sort of memories, no matter how many times amnesia hit.
Note: I haven't watched anything past season 10, which is why ice emperor isn't shown yet. I'll expand on if I have more/when I watch more
Another note: Not every system functions this way, or uses these terms. This goes solely based off of our system (Cardinal) and research. Also as if thinking of it for a nindroid being a system.
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Call me Thaddeus or Thad. Please do not give me nicknames if we aren’t friends. He/zir pronouns only. It/it’s is preferred if we aren’t close but I have no true preference.
I am an alter in a system, if you don’t like that or are here to bitch and moan about it, I’d rather you leave now. I am a fictive introject from DC comics so I may occassionally mention it or mention source things. My role in our system & how it corelates to my source is no ones business. If I want to mention it, I will. It’s my blog. Our body is 23 and I am 20, if age is a make or break factor. I do follow back from @luvsickself.
I don’t do well with others. I don’t mesh well with most. But I do my best to at least seem approchable and civil.
You may be wondering why I made this blog at all at this point. I wanted a place to reblog posts I like, talk about my experiences within our system and maybe occassionally post my poetry. My poetry means a lot to me and I may only share some occassionally. I ask that no critisism is given on them. If they are labeled as not to reblog, respect that. My poems can be personal and it takes a lot for me to even post them. I may post abot books I am reading, Pokemon, Dead By Daylight, Stardew and Animal Crossing, DC comics, music that I enjoy, DIDOSDD posts, etc. I do post traumacore, and vent based media without tags. I will tag sui/cide, S/h, and SA posts along with any other heavy topic. If you would like to follow but need something tagged, please send me an ask or message and I will create a tag.
Here are some general tags that are not trigger tags (body horror, s/h, SA, Scopophobia, etc) or fandom tags:
- #v; - vent based media. This will include traumacore
- #a; - General art posts, usually not fandom based
- #tpoems; - Poems I wrote
- #p; - Other poetry based posts
- #same - Posts I relate to
- #f; - The F stands for Funny
- #starboard - my favorites tag
- #thad.txt - Just me talking.
- #sys; - System posts
- Divider Credits: X X X | Icon: X
Basic DNI criteria, if you use slurs you can’t reclaim, you believe in “reverse racism”, you shit on people who are sexual assault survivor with hyposexual & hypersexual behavior patterns, you joke & invalidate about someone’s trauma unprovoked when it’s NOT your trauma, you mock and/or sexualize age regression, treat fictives as characters from the source that they’re from, if you believe fiction =/= reality, if you are endogenic or support endogenic systems, you belive protectors/persecutors are “evil alters” ans abusers, you use any mental illness as an excuse to be a dick or abuse others, if you’re a self proclaimed “unfriendly” person (you guys are usually abusers, so.)
More can be added at any time. But you get the idea.
I know my dni seems like a lot, I would just like to avoid any conflicts. I do block at the first sign that youre a dick or if I just don’t like you much. I reserve the right to block anyone who makes me uncomfortable who rubs me wrong, sorry.
Please keep in mind I also tag / label my posts with do not reblog or do not reply to often, I ask that you please respect this. Even if you relate, even if it’s a post that says only systems can reblog, please listen to my labels.
I do sometimes post vents here and I do often delete posts, vent post and other posts. I do what makes me feel safer even if in the moment it is not logical. I have BPD and very intense paranoia and act on it at times. Please be patient with me and respect my boundaries. Thank you.
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I’m not even a barça fan and I meant that he needed to take the free kicks like you said but rn he has a lot of pressure. I don’t think he should have every penalty he is very generous in that regard god knows the guy with almost 800 goals could demand them and he doesn’t. I’m sick of this “it’s not his team” shit. First whenever he sets foot on a pitch that’s his team he’s just that guy. It’s all good with kylian but he hasn’t delivered Psg anything of importance Leo had done more at his age for Barcelona. and he’s not on leos level yet or ever. I sent an innocent ask about free kicks and now you are shitting on Leo. Sure it’s not his team. You just had the luxury to sign the most legendary player on the game to play second fiddle. Ok, Leo is a champions league winner multiple times something neither kylian or psg can say. Don’t get triggered bc people want to speak about Messi who plays in your team.
Aaaaand there we have it. I knew it. You are a diehard messi fan who doesn't give a shit about psg and want the team to be centered around messi. It's like a can always smell the bullshit. Guess I haven't lost my talent yet. Ans who said I was shitting on messi. I've praised him every post, even then ones wwre psg fans have been annoyed and complained they wanted him out. Because I like him, I just don't like fans like you.
Oh and by the way, fuck off.
Messi aside because he's a great player and a great person, you my dear can walk yourself out if my inbox and never come back. Because your arrogance I have dealt with before and frankly it disgust me. Messi might have delivered all that for Barca but again, (to quote a favorite anon of mine) you bitch, he hasn't done any of that for psg so why for the ever loving God should his achievements elsewhere matter to psg at all? And what generosity? If Kylian wants the free kicks and pens and anything in between, Kylian Mbappe is going to get it. This is HIS team. HIS. Everyone knows it. And it's about time you get with the program or fuck off.
You really do think I'm an idiot and can't sus out solo messi stans huh. Lol yeah no babe. I see you and I aint impressed.
Bye bye
Lol talking to me about generosity lmao as if one temper tantrum from Kylian wouldn't halt any talk of contract extension with Leo.
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all we can do is keep breathing || chapter one
summary: He’s out of prison now, but your boyfriend is very much not okay. When he isn’t reinstated, he spirals down quickly, and you don’t know how to help him out of it.
(or, spencer relapses post-prison and goes to rehab)
pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader
category: angst (eventual happy ending)
content warnings: swearing, drug abuse & addiction, an overdose, substance use disorder, ptsd, mentions of suicide, mentions of/implied sex, references to sexual assault, description of a panic attack/ptsd episode. please read with caution; this content can be triggering.
a/n: honestly, i just wrote this for myself. but it was partially inspired by @zhuzhubii ‘s brilliant and heart wrenching fic i know what’s best for me (but i want you instead). mine takes a different turn, but theirs is amazing as well.
a/n 2: disclaimer that while i have both been a patient at a residential treatment center and currently work at one, i don’t have substance use disorder and we don’t treat it specifically at my current workplace. my experience is also all in adolescent centers rather than adult ones, so this won’t be entirely accurate.
word count: 8k
song: paralyzed by nf
fic masterlist || masterlist
Nothing’s been the same since Mexico.
You weren’t naïve. You hadn’t been expecting things to go right back to normal when he got home from prison. You were prepared for Spencer to struggle. And you were ready to do whatever it took to help him recover from this trauma.
But you had never expected that that dedication would lead you to here—sitting on the couch at 11 o’clock at night, tired but wide awake, waiting for him to return from god knows where. A few cardboard boxes filed with the last of his things are stacked neatly beside you.
Spencer’s six-year sobriety coin sits in your hand. You’d found it in the trash a few days after he got home. You had tried to talk him into keeping it—"you were drugged; it’s not your fault”—but he had refused, leading you to believe there was something he wasn’t telling you. But you hadn’t pushed him on it, as that would just be a surefire way to make him double down on keeping it to himself.
He didn’t want the coin, but you kept it, hidden from his sight, hoping he’d want it back someday.
Now, three months later, you weren’t sure that day was going to come.
He had managed to get by for six weeks. He’d been plagued by nightmares and suffered multiple panic attacks, but he’d pushed through the cravings, gone to all his mandated therapy appointments, and attended refresher courses on procedures and firearms. He did everything the bureau required to consider reinstating him.
The day of the meeting, Spencer had seemed a little nervous, but stable. He’d gotten a good night’s sleep, free of bad dreams, and he had given you a kiss goodbye that felt just like the ones he’d always given you before. Then he walked out the door, and you didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day.
You got the news from Emily. The bureau had decided not to reinstate him “at this time”. They recommended that he reapply in six months, but for now, he wouldn’t be getting his badge and gun back.
Your initial reaction had been relief. Although you had shown Spencer nothing but encouragement, you weren’t sure he would ever be ready to go back, let alone so soon. You didn’t even know why he was reapplying. He’d worked for them for over a decade and become a well-respected agent, but when he needed help, the bureau had abandoned him and refused to help him prove his innocence. You had been so furious you could barely speak when JJ told you their decision.
Spencer didn’t share your sentiment—or if he did, he didn’t want to face it. On some level, you understood. The BAU was his home before you were, and you could imagine that after the chaos of the last three months, he desperately wanted his life to just go back to normal. So even though you weren’t sure that this was the best decision for him to make—especially since he seemed to have barely thought about it at all—you’d supported him. Whatever he needed, right?
You tried calling him after talking to Emily, but he didn’t answer. It didn’t worry you too much at first—Spencer often needed space to process things on his own before talking about it. You wouldn’t be able to have a proper conversation until you were off work anyways.
It was around six when the anxiety kicked in. You’d tried calling him a few more times throughout the day to no avail. You hadn’t even gotten a text back. Then you started getting messages from his team, asking how he was doing and if he was okay. They hadn’t heard from him either.
When you’d gotten home, you had immediately looked to the chair Spencer always left his bag on. It was empty. You’d looked through all the rooms anyways, trying to ignore what your gut was telling you he was off doing.
It was a few more hours before he stumbled through the front door, his eyes glassy and footing unstable. You stood in front of him, putting your hands on his upper arms to keep him steady. When he had caught your eyes, he had started to cry.
He’d been more or less inconsolable for the rest of the night, blubbering out apologies as you guided him through the motions of getting into bed. He’d clung to you and you’d murmured reassurances against his skin and into his hair that you still loved him, that you didn’t think any less of him, that he would be okay. You had truly thought he would be at the time.
But he wasn’t okay, not at all. He quickly became stuck in a cycle of using, promising it was the last time, staying clean for a little while, then relapsing. You had pleaded with him to get help, but he’d become... aggressive when you suggested inpatient treatment.
“Don’t ever say that,” he’d snarled. “I’m not my mother.”
Then later that same night, he had crawled into bed next to you at 2 AM, curled up against your side, and begged in a trembling voice, “please don’t send me away.”
You haven’t had the courage to bring it up again until now.
Four days ago, you hit your breaking point. You’d come home from work and found him limp on the couch, barely breathing, a syringe and little glass vial next to him. You’d dialed 911 as you ran into the bedroom, yanked open your bedside table, and pulled out the auto injectable dose of Narcan you’d acquired a few weeks ago just in case. Thanks to that, Spencer was conscious again by the time the EMTs arrived. He resisted being taken to the ER, alternating between scowling at them and looking at you with pleading eyes.
But you didn’t give in. When he had checked himself out of the hospital an hour later (you had refused to do it for him), you had driven him home, but the entire time you were formulating a plan. You’d realized that you were padding his rock bottom, and you couldn’t do it anymore.
So now here you are, waiting on the couch. You hope it will work this time. About a month ago you had tried staging an intervention with his team, but as soon as he saw them, he’d walked right back out of the room and you hadn’t seen him again for nearly two days.
It’s another hour before he arrives home, and it takes his drug-fogged mind a full minute to process what he’s seeing. His voice is hoarse when he asks, “You’re leaving?”
“No,” you reply. “You are.”
Spencer sways slightly on his feet as he thinks. “You’re kicking me out,” he realizes.
You try to ignore the prick of tears in your eyes and focus on keeping your voice steady. “Yes. I am.”
His bottom lip starts to tremble. “You... you can’t do this,” he whispers.
“No, I can,” you say. You take a deep breath before you continue. “But more than that, I have to.”
For the first time in months, Spencer doesn’t try and hide his tears from you. He cries openly. His back hits the wall and he slides down it, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. It’s unbelievably hard to watch.
You stand and approach him cautiously, almost as if he’s an animal that you don’t want to spook, reaching into your back pocket and holding out a keycard. “I booked you a room for the night at that motel a few streets over, so you can... sleep it off. But after that, you’re on your own.”
He looks up at you with those big brown eyes that you love so much, but they don’t look like they used to. Now they’re bloodshot and his pupils are pinpricks. “(Y/N), please, please don’t do this,” he whimpers. “Please, this is the last time. I won’t do it again, I promise.”
You just shake your head. His words are nothing new. “Your car is already in the parking lot there with the rest of your things.”
It’s like a switch flips, his broken expression contorting into a glare. “Fine,” he practically growls. He pushes your hand away and staggers to his feet. “I don’t want that shitty motel room. I’ll just go stay with JJ. She actually cares about me.”
You expected him to lash out like this, but the words still sting. “You really think JJ’s going to let you be around her boys like this?” you ask quietly.
The anger on his face is offset some by the tears and snot still running down it.. And you know he knows that you’re right. “So this is it, huh?” he says coldly, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. “Six years together, all we’ve been through. It’s just over now.”
You retreat back to the couch, placing the keycard on top of the boxes. “That’s actually up to you.”
His laugh is derisive. “You could have fooled me!”
You swallow around the lump in your throat. “I don’t want this to be permanent. You can stay now, or come back, on one condition.”
Spencer folds his arms over his chest defensively. “Which is?”
“You have to agree to check into a treatment center.”
The look of betrayal on his face breaks your heart. Tears spill out of your eyes before you can stop them; you swipe them away and take a deep breath to try and hold the rest of them off.
It’s a while before he speaks again, and his voice is quiet when he does. “How can you say that.” It’s not a question.
“It’s what you need, Spencer,” you answer. “You’re not coping with what happened to you. Not just prison, everything that’s happening to your mom, too—”
“Don’t talk about my mother!”
You flinch. He’s never raised his voice at you before. It’s the drugs, you try to remind yourself. It’s just the drugs, he doesn’t really mean it.
He storms forward and you scurry out of the way on instinct. He scoffs. “What, you think I’m going to hurt you?”
“You’re scaring me right now,” you admit quietly.
Spencer tries to cover up the hurt with a scowl, but you can still see it in his eyes. “You really think that little of me?”
You open your mouth to speak, then close it again. You don’t know what to say. Spencer would never hurt you, you know that without a doubt. But the Spencer you know, the man you fell in love with... he’s not the same person when he’s using. And with how high and emotional he is right now, you don’t know what to expect. “I... I don’t know anymore, Spencer,” you answer honestly.
He shrugs. “Maybe you’re right to think that. I did some awful things in there, you know.” He says it matter-of-factly, but you recognize it as a glimpse of one of the things he’s using the drugs to escape from, one of the things he won’t talk about.
He gathers up the boxes in his arms; you pretend not to notice him pocketing the keycard. You’re worried about him carrying them safely in his current state and almost reach out to steady him before recognizing from the tension in his shoulders that touching him right now will only make things worse.
He stops at the door and you hurry to open it for him. “I really believed you loved me, you know,” he whispers, the anger falling off of his face.
The words are like a blow to the stomach; it knocks the breath out of your lungs. “I do,” you choke out. “I do love you.”
Spencer doesn’t answer. He just shakes his head and walks out the door.
He doesn’t look back.
---
It’s been the longest two weeks of your life.
You haven’t heard from Spencer since the night he left. You weren’t expecting him to come around to the idea of rehab quickly, but you thought he might try and call you within a few days and try to talk his way out of the hole he’d found himself in.
He didn’t.
All you could do was wait, and hope that that night wasn’t going to end up being the last time you saw him alive. In a way, it was worse than it had been when he was in prison, because this time, you were the reason he was gone.
His team has mixed feelings on what you’ve done.
JJ is mad. She asks, “how could you?”, and, “you really think this will work?” You try to be patient with her—you know she’s so upset because she loves him. She already lost her older sister and now she’s scared of losing the man who’s practically her brother. But when she (perhaps unintentionally) insinuates that you did this because you’d just had enough of him, you snap, telling her she has no right to say that when you know she wouldn’t let him stay at her house while he’s using. She keeps her thoughts to herself after that.
Emily is sympathetic. She was there the first time he started using and had subsequently gotten her head bitten off when she tried to reach out and help him. “I know how hard it is to get through to him when he’s... like this. You just let me know if I can help at all.”
Luke is much the same. He’s had his own struggles with PTSD and understands the toll it takes on everyone, not just the one with it. He’s always happy to offer you some time with Roxy, because he’s right—things really do feel better when you’re petting her.
Rossi isn’t... indifferent, exactly. He just doesn’t seem to have much of an opinion one way or the other. You think it’s because he doesn’t know what an alternative would be. For all his experience in psychology, he’s unsure of how to help Spencer.
You don’t know Matt very well yet, but he’s kind to you, even going so far as to bring you a dish of his wife’s lasagna.
Penelope is an absolute angel with her warm hugs and baked goods. She keeps an eye on Spencer’s cell phone location for you, in the event that he ends up at a police precinct or hospital.
Out of everyone, you like talking to Tara the most. She’s so supportive and understanding. You feel like she’s the only one who truly knows what the past few months have been like for you. She just gets it, having lived with a partner with substance use disorder before. “You’re doing the best you can and that’s all that matters,” she tells you. She even goes to a Narcotics Anonymous family meeting with you.
It’s day fourteen without Spencer, and it doesn’t feel much different. It feels bleak. You go to work and run errands, but you only manage it because it’s habit.
You’re rinsing off your plate from dinner when there’s a knock on the door. Your heart leaps into your throat. You aren’t expecting anyone. You try—in vain—not to hope too hard as you go to answer it. It could just be someone dropping by on a whim, or, god forbid, a police officer with bad news.
Please, Spencer. Please let it be you.
When you look through the peephole, you’re unable to hold back a sob of relief. His eyes are fixed on the doormat so you can’t quite see his face, but you’d recognize that head of hair anywhere, even in its current unwashed and disheveled state. You take a few deep breaths before opening the door, for his sake. You crying all over him is likely the last thing he wants or needs.
He doesn’t look up when you open the door, and you realize he’s waiting for you to make the first move.
“Spencer,” you say softly.
It’s a few more moments before he responds. “I’ll do it,” he finally mutters; you can just barely hear him.
Your breath catches in your chest. “You’ll do what?” you ask.
He glances up then, a look of annoyance flashing across his face.
“I’m not trying to be difficult,” you say, voice shaky from the effort of holding back tears. “I just... I need to hear you say it.”
He sighs and looks back down, tugging on the ends of his sleeves. “I’ll... I’ll go to... to re—rehab.”
Tension you didn’t even know you were holding in your body melts away. You step to the side. “Come in,” you whisper.
He shuffles inside. When you turn back from closing the door, he’s just standing still in the middle of the room. You get a better look at him now. His clothes are rumpled and his hair is an absolute mess, tangled and dirty. It doesn’t look like he’s had a shower or shave for at least a week—you figure he’s probably been sleeping in his car. His face is pale and his hands are trembling; as you move closer, you can see a light sheen of sweat on his face, leading you to believe that he’s currently sober and starting to experience withdrawal symptoms.
You touch his arm gently and he makes a distressed whining sound. You guide him to sit on the couch. When you sit next to him, he looks at you with teary eyes. You open your arms in an invitation and he collapses into you, bursting into tears. “’m sorry,” he stutters out between sobs. “I—I didn’ mean it. I... ‘m so s—sorry, (Y/N).”
You cry too, holding him tight against you. “I know, baby,” you whisper, voice breaking. “I know.”
---
Spencer’s mostly nonverbal for his intake process. Whether it’s by choice or not is something you’re unsure of. In a private room a few hallways away from the main ward, you’re introduced to the admissions supervisor, Susan, whose voice you recognize from the phone calls you’d made to get him into one of the beds here. You also meet Spencer’s new therapist, Lara. She has a kind face and seems to have a good sense of humor. You just hope Spencer will like her.
You’re both given paperwork to read through and sign, as he’s on your health insurance now. Naturally, he’s done with them before you’ve finished the first page. Susan is taken aback. “Oh. Um, sir, we do need you to actually read this paperwork,” she says.
Spencer folds his arms and stares down at the carpet. “I did.”
“He, uh, he can speed read,” you explain. She still looks skeptical, so you add, “I’m serious. He reread War and Peace on the drive here.”
He doesn’t talk again until everything’s in order and you’re given five minutes alone to say goodbye. “I don’t want to do this,” he whispers.
“Is it okay if I touch you?” you ask. When he nods, you pull at his arms gently until they relax and fall open, then take one of his hands and squeeze it. “I don’t want to, either. I’m so tired of being away from you. But...” You take a deep breath. “But I also don’t want to bury you. You know this is what you need, right?”
He shrugs, refusing to meet your eyes. You can’t quite tell what that means—whether he agrees but wishes that wasn’t the case, or if he’s only doing this to appease you. You hope it’s the former. While it’s a possibility that this might not work either way, you feel like that’s more likely to happen if he isn’t doing this for himself as well, if he doesn’t want to get better.
But it’s out of your hands now. All you can do is trust in the people here to take care of him and that they want what’s best for him.
You put your hand on his cheek and turn his head towards you, trying to get him to look at you. His words from that night run through your head—I really believed you loved me. When he glances up, you seize the moment.
“I love you, Spencer. So much. If there’s just one thing you can trust in right now, please let it be that,” you plead.
He sniffles and you think you see a nod from him, but you can’t be sure. And it hurts a bit—you’re not used to him not saying “I love you” back. You can’t dwell on that now, though. You’ve only got a few minutes left before you have to leave him.
You stand, pulling him up with you. “Can I hu—” you start, but you’re cut off by him lunging forward and clinging to you. You comfort him as best as you can, running one hand up and down his back and using the other to cradle the back of his head as he cries into your neck, muttering incomprehensible words against your skin.
When the door opens, his entire body tenses against you. “Spencer,” you say gently, trying to stop your voice from wavering too much. “You have to let go now.”
He doesn’t budge. If anything, he holds onto you tighter. “Baby—“ you start.
“No,” he says suddenly, his voice louder than you’ve heard it in days. “No, I can’t—I won’t—”
Before you know it, he’s twisted around to stand behind you. You open and close your mouth a few times, startled and unsure what to say. “Spencer, what—what’s wrong?”
“No,” he repeats, shaking his head. “I can’t do it again. I—I won’t.” Then he starts to rub at one of his eyes in the way you’ve seen so many times since he came home from prison and it hits you—he feels like he’s getting locked up again.
A glance at the door shows expressions of sympathy on Susan and Lara’s faces. What with the “war on drugs” sending addicts to prison, this probably isn’t the first time they’ve seen a reaction like this.
You doubt any of their previous patients were framed for murder and had their mother kidnapped by a vengeful psychopath, though.
Spencer’s entire body is trembling when you look back at him, and it’s not from the lingering withdrawal symptoms. It’s heartbreaking, but it only affirms your belief that he needs to be here. It’s clear that he can’t tolerate what he feels and what he knows without turning to self-destructive coping mechanisms.
“Take me home,” he whimpers. “Take me home, please. I want to go home.”
You swallow hard. “I can’t.”
“But they’re gonna hurt me,” he cries. “They’re gonna hurt me because I hurt them; don’t you care if I get hurt?”
You think you know what he’s talking about. You don’t know the details—Spencer wouldn’t let Emily or JJ tell you—but you do know he was hurt in prison by the other inmates. You had seen the bruises yourself. And then you’d heard that some of the inmates were poisoned. He’s a graduate chemist—you’d put it together. You don’t know why he did it, but you assume that he hadn’t had much of a choice.
“They’re not here, Spencer.” You try to stop him from scratching so hard at his eyes, but he flinches at your touch. “They’re not here; they can’t hurt you anymore,” you repeat instead.
Lara comes up to your side. “Let us take care of him, okay?”
Oh, but you don’t want to. Spencer’s so upset and you can’t bear the thought of leaving him like this, not when all you want to do is hold him and never let go. It’s what you’ve wanted since the moment he stepped out of Millburn. But isn’t this the whole point of bringing him here? You can’t help him on your own. You have to let him go.
When Lara coaxes you to take a step back, Spencer makes the most awful, wounded noise. “Don’t leave me, please,” he begs. “Don’t leave me again.”
You press the back of your hand to your mouth to hold back a sob. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” you manage to say. “And I’ll visit you as soon as I can.”
“No, it’s not o—okay,” he protests, his voice breaking. “It’s not—I—” He presses his hands into his eyes and backs up until he’s in the corner. He drops to the floor and curls up, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face in them.
Susan is able to get you to take a few more steps back; Lara takes a step forward, in Spencer’s direction.
“Um, don’t—don’t touch him,” you stutter out, desperate to help somehow. “It’ll—it’ll just make it worse.”
“I won’t,” she assures you. And she doesn’t—instead she sits on the floor several feet away from him; not close enough to be threatening but not far enough that he’d be completely unaware of her presence. It makes you feel a little better, because that’s what you do for him at home.
You let Susan guide you out of the room and to the entrance. “He’ll be okay,” she tells you as you walk. “This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and Lara’s fantastic. It’s actually a good opportunity to start building therapeutic rapport.”
You just nod as she talks, not quite listening to what she’s saying. You just keep thinking of his face when you took a step away from him, and how small his voice sounded. It’s a storm of emotions inside of you, but among them is... relief. You don’t have to worry about keeping him safe anymore.
Leaving him in that room, terrified, surrounded by people he doesn’t know, is one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. You just hope it will be worth it.
---
It’s Spencer’s thirty-sixth birthday. You have the day off, but the alarm still sounds early in the morning. You rub your eyes and stretch, trying to shake off the sleepiness. You were up late last night, looking through the entire apartment just one more time for anything you could have missed.
It’s something you’ve done half a dozen times since he was admitted. You haven’t found any needles or Dilaudid since the first time, but you keep doing it anyways. For some reason, when you were feeling anxious about... well, everything, it would calm you down.
You can’t stop yourself from checking once more before you leave to pick him up—though not as thoroughly since you don’t have the time. You just check his hiding places—the desk drawer with the false bottom, the pair of socks he hates that stay in the back of his sock drawer, the gun safe (he’d told you the code years ago just in case and hasn’t changed it since, more worried about you being in danger and needing it than you finding things he doesn’t want you to), and the two hollowed out books at the back of two different bookshelves.
You want to believe that even if there were anything there, he wouldn’t go looking for it anymore, but you aren’t there yet. He’s been in treatment just shy of six weeks, and it’s been up and down. Two steps forward has always seemed to be accompanied by one step back.
While he usually thrived on routine, the enforced structure of the treatment facility would remind him of Millburn multiple times a day. It took the better part of two weeks for him to adjust to it. The first time you visited him, he had curled up in your arms and cried about it, saying that he was barely sleeping because he didn’t feel safe and that he just wanted to go home.
It didn’t help that he didn’t get along with his roommate. Spencer found him to be too loud, complaining to you multiple times that he always wanted to talk during quiet time. Apparently he was also working on his GED, and would constantly ask him for answers to his homework. “I wouldn’t mind helping him, but he just wants me to give him the answers instead,” he’d told you. So Spencer had just tried to ignore him.
But his patience had finally snapped a few weeks ago when his roommate drank both his own and Spencer’s shampoo in a suicide attempt, because he’d “read somewhere that shampoo was toxic.” Spencer had yelled at him, calling him a “fucking idiot”, among other things (they were promptly separated). His roommate was fine in the end—he just threw up a lot. But he was permanently moved to a different room, to both you and Spencer’s relief.
Spencer had a meltdown the next night, though, when it was time to shower. He had been given replacement shampoo from the treatment center’s supplies, but he didn’t like the smell and couldn’t stand the texture, so he’d refused to take a shower. That then resulted in him losing points for not following the structure. (Points were given for good behavior and meeting goals, and were mainly how privileges were earned.)
Naturally, Spencer had protested that this wasn’t fair, that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t have shampoo that he could use. He’d been told that these were the rules, and he wouldn’t be given an exception. In response, Spencer had thrown the shampoo across the room, thrown himself onto his bed, buried his head under his pillow, and refused to talk to anyone.
But that night ended up marking a turn for the better in his treatment. He hadn’t responded when shift change happened and one of the night staff, Matt, checked in on him—in fact, he hadn’t moved at all. When he’d said, “tell me if there’s anything I can do to help you feel better”, Spencer had had no intention of taking him up on it.
A couple of hours later, though, when everything was quiet and he couldn’t sleep because he felt sticky and dirty from not showering, he wandered out into the commons area, holding his favorite blanket from home around himself. When asked what he needed, he’d shrugged, because he didn’t know what he needed, besides his old shampoo, and there wasn’t much to be done about that at midnight.
“I heard you had a rough time this evening,” Matt had said.
Spencer nodded absently, looking at everything but the two of them sitting on the couches.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He shook his head.
“Okay,” Matt had replied. “Well, you can sit out here with us for a little while if you want. How’s ten minutes sound?”
Spencer had shrugged again, but sat down on the corner of the couch, pulling his legs up against his chest. He pressed his nose into the fabric of the blanket and breathed in deeply. He’d held off on washing it since got here because it smelled like you. It was comforting, and he felt himself relax some. Then, without thinking about it consciously, he opened his mouth... and talked.
He started with the shampoo incident. His voice had raised an octave and hot tears stung his eyes as he talked about how much he hated the replacement shampoo and how he felt that he was being treated unfairly by people who didn’t understand why it bothered him so much. And then he had just... kept going. He didn’t talk about specifics—he said he was framed and wrongly incarcerated, then went straight to everything that had happened since he got home. He talked about losing his job and his first relapse because of that. He talked about how he couldn’t seem to stop going back. He talked about your ultimatum and his two weeks living out of his car.
When he finally stopped, he was breathing heavily and exhausted, but he felt... lighter. It was like the dam burst. The next morning, he started talking, really talking, to his therapist. When you came by that evening to bring him new shampoo, he’d told you all about what had happened, sparing no detail. To say it shocked you was an understatement—he hadn’t been so open with you since Mexico.
The two weeks since had gone well. There were a few bumps, but otherwise he was improving, and he’d been able to earn a day visit for his birthday.
Spencer looks... good when you see him. He’s fully dressed, wearing the cardigan he knows you like the best, and it no longer looks baggy on him. He’d come back from prison a little underweight, and it had only gotten worse since. But he’s been steadily gaining it back here thanks to sobriety and regular meals. He’s got his satchel across his shoulder but he isn’t clinging to it protectively and the way he rocks up on the balls of his feet appears to be excited rather than nervous. It looks like he may have even run a brush through his hair for once.
Then he sees you, and the smile that spreads across his face... he looks like himself again. Your smile back is so big that it probably looks goofy, but you don’t care.
He hugs you as soon as you’re close enough. It’s tight, but he’s not clinging to you like you’ve grown accustomed to over the past six weeks, which you think can only be a good thing—he’s not feeling insecure or unsafe anymore.
“Happy birthday,” you say. “You look really nice.”
“Really?” he asks. “Because I got up a little early to get ready, but I didn’t shave since I’d have to check out my razor and that’s a hassle, and if you don’t like it, that’s fine. I’m not really sure myself—”
“Spencer, I don’t mind the facial hair at all,” you interrupt. “You look great. I mean it.”
He glances away shyly, his cheeks turning a little pink. “Thanks,” he murmurs.
You both sign the checkout paperwork and head out. Spencer insists on holding your hand the entire time. When you get to the car and start to let go, he tightens his grip instead and pulls you closer to him. “(Y/N).”
“Yes?”
He hesitates just slightly before placing his other hand on your cheek. “Can I kiss you?” he asks softly.
You blink, realizing that it’s been a long while since you’ve kissed. And just like that, you’re aching for his lips on yours. “Please do.”
Spencer lets your hand go then. Cradling your head in both of his hands now, he leans in and kisses you so gently. You soak it in, feeling warm inside as something you didn’t realize you were missing returns to you. When he pulls back, he looks more at peace than you’ve seen him in months.
You just look at each other for a bit. Eventually, you place a kiss on his cheek and say, “We should go before we get in trouble for loitering.”
He wants to hold your hand whenever he can on the drive home, and you let him. He tells you how his week has been going—someone in his group therapy is graduating the program in a few days, and they’ve started a new project in art therapy. You knew about the art project already, since he’d spent half of his phone time on Monday telling you how much he didn’t want to make a pottery project because he can’t stand how the clay feels on his hands when it dries. But you’ve always loved to listen to him talk, so you don’t remind him of this.
As you’re getting off the freeway fifteen minutes later, you tap the back of his hand twice to signal that you have something to say. He pauses in his infodump about the history of pottery so you can speak. “I’ve got a few presents for you at home, but I was thinking we could go to the bookstore and you can pick out some more things?”
He makes a happy humming noise. “That sounds great! There’s something I want to read up on.”
He veers off to the nonfiction section when you enter his favorite bookstore; you idly browse your favorite section as you wait. When he returns to your side, he’s holding a stack of five books, all on the same subject.
“Horses,” you say.
He nods enthusiastically, his hair bouncing. “I’m starting an equine therapy program next week.”
“Oh, that’s cool. I hope it goes well.” You don’t know much about horse therapy—seems like that’s going to be what you read about on your phone in bed tonight while you wait for sleep to come.
Spencer’s quiet on the car ride home, content to flip through his new books. He doesn’t notice when you park the car; you have to touch his arm to get his attention.
“What?” he asks without taking his eyes off of the full color spread of a mustang in his lap.
“We’re home,” you point out. With how many times he’s told you he wants to go home in the past weeks, you expect him to be excited, but he’s not. He tenses when he looks up and sees the building in front of you. “What’s wrong, Spencer?”
“Um...” He fiddles with the book’s dust jacket. “There’s... there’s not a surprise party waiting for me inside, is there?”
“Oh. No, there’s not. Just a few balloons and little banner. You, uh...” you wince a little as something occurs to you. “You weren’t wanting one, were you?”
“Absolutely not,” he immediately replies.
You chuckle a little at his certainty. “Well, good. Because I had a hell of a time convincing Penelope not to throw you a birthday party, and I don’t know if she’d ever forgive me if it turned out I was wrong and you did, in fact, want a party.”
That gets a small laugh out of him; your heart leaps at the sound. It’s been far too long since you’ve heard that.
He seems a little apprehensive as you unlock the front door, and when he walks in, he stays standing on the living room rug for a while, his eyes traveling from one side of the room to another, looking over everything. “It looks the same,” he says eventually.
“Were you expecting it not to be?” you ask.
“I don’t know,” he answers, running his fingers across one of the seams of his satchel. “It’s not that I thought you would change anything, it’s more like... I feel so much different than I did the last time I was here that it’s kind of strange to see that everything’s just like I remember it.”
You’re reminded of the last time he was standing still in the living room like this, stick-thin, dirty, and trembling from withdrawals. “Different in a good way, I hope,” you say, nervously fussing with the pile of presents on the coffee table.
He gives you a small smile. “Yes, in a good way,” he affirms softly. He notices the presents and scrunches his eyebrows. “I thought you said you only had a few presents here.”
“Most of these are from the team,” you explain. “Emily brought them by last night. They had to fly out this morning, but she wanted you to have them on your birthday.”
“Oh.” He raises his hand and it looks like he might rub at his eye but he presses his knuckles to his mouth instead. You can’t really tell what’s going on in his mind. You figure his feelings towards his team are complicated. On the one hand, they got him out of the prison, and he’s known some of them for over a decade. On the other, he wasn’t allowed to rejoin the BAU and the whole experience had made him feel humiliated. You think he wants to see them, but he also doesn’t; he’s stuck in the middle and can’t decide.
Either way, it doesn’t matter today. It’s his birthday and you want him to have a good one, so you redirect his attention. You sit on the couch and pat the spot next to you. “Will you show me your new books?”
The corners of his mouth turn up and he pads across the floor towards you. “Yeah. So, here’s what I’ve learned so far....”
The day continues in much the same fashion—quiet and laidback as you simply enjoy each other’s company. Once he shows you all of the books, you move on to the TV, catching up on the episodes of Doctor Who you’ve both missed (you didn’t want to watch it without him). You order his favorite takeout for dinner, after which you bring out his dessert—half a dozen chocolate frosting and sprinkles donuts arranged in a circle around two candles displaying 36.
“You know, it’s not really sanitary to blow all over food before sharing it,” he says.
You roll your eyes fondly. “We go over this every year. We kiss; I’m not worried about your mouth germs.”
“But it’s not just my “mouth germs”,” he corrects, making air quotes with his fingers. “It involves the entire respiratory track, so—”
“Spencer, as always, it’s a risk I’m willing to take,” you interrupt. You’ve heard this explanation before. “Now make a wish.”
He takes a moment to ponder it, then blows the candles out. You put the plate down and hand him a napkin. “We’re not going to be able to eat all of these before I have to go back,” he says, but the way he bites eagerly into the first one nearly makes you question that.
He gets through two; you only eat one, mostly full from dinner. He wants to go lay down on the bed after, “so we have more room to cuddle”. And cuddle he does, pressing as much of his body to yours as he can. One of your hands settles in his hair automatically. “Did you have a good day?” you ask, running your fingers through it.
“Mm-hmm.”
“Obviously this situation is not ideal,” you start carefully. “But I’m just so happy that you’re still... well, around for your birthday.”
Spencer turns his head into the fabric of your shirt and breathes in deeply. “Me, too,” he says quietly on the exhale.
You lay together in silence for a while, and you savor the feeling of having him in bed next to you again. Sleeping alone wasn’t anything new in your relationship, as his job took him around the country. You’d gotten used to it for the most part, but every night he wasn’t with you because he was in prison was just plain awful. After, you had him back for six weeks, then it became sporadic again as he started using. It’s been so much easier to sleep since he went into treatment, but you still miss sharing the bed with him terribly.
You look at your phone briefly to check the time. “We’ve got about three hours until we have to start heading back. I’m happy to stay like this, but we still have time to do something else if you want to.”
All he says verbally is, “okay”, but the way he squirms against you tells you that he does have something on his mind.
“Just let me know if you do,” you say gently; you don’t want him to feel pressured into speaking. Plus you’re content to lay here playing with his hair and listening to his breathing.
“Well, there is something,” he admits after a few minutes.
He doesn’t continue, so you say, “Okay. What is it?”
He sighs and sits up. “It’s... it’s nothing bad, or—or even that big of a deal, really. At least, it shouldn’t be.”
You push yourself up into a sitting position next to him. “Well, why don’t you tell me so I can help?” you ask. “I can tell that it’s bothering you.”
“That’s exactly the point. It shouldn’t be bothering me,” Spencer complains. “Because I really want to do it. It’s just...”
You put your hand on his back and run it up and down to try and comfort him. You don’t say anything; you just give him time to get the words out.
He takes a deep breath. “I want to have sex,” he says. “I really do, I’m just... not entirely sure I’m... ready yet.”
“Oh.”
It’s not where you expected the conversation to go, because it’s something that hasn’t really been in your life at all since Mexico. He’d... taken care of you a few times during those first six weeks, but hadn’t let you return the favor. Each time he had scurried off to the bathroom and run a cold shower before you could even touch the waistband of his pants. Then on the night he came back to you, you had been helping him undress since his hands were trembling so much. When you unbuttoned his pants, he had breathed in sharply and frantically pushed your hands away.
Clearly something had happened to him, but he’d never even alluded to anything of the sort. And that was okay—you didn’t need to know. You just wished you knew how to help.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s stupid,” he says, running his hands down his face.
“Oh, baby, no,” you soothe. “It’s not stupid at all.”
He just shakes his head. “You deserve more than this.”
“I don’t know about that. But,” you continue, pushing his hair back so you can see his face better, “I do know what I want, and what I want is you.”
Spencer chews on his bottom lip, doubt clouding his eyes. “Look at me,” you implore. He meets your gaze hesitantly and you take his face in your hands.
“I love you, Spencer Reid. And nothing is going to change that.”
His eyes grow wet. He sniffles once, then lunges forward, capturing your lips with his own. You kiss him back just as passionately, holding onto him as tight as he is to you. It may have been a long time since you kissed at all until this morning, but it’s been even longer since he’s kissed you like this.
“Love you, too, (Y/N),” he mumbles against your lips when he pulls back to take a breath.
You press your forehead to his with a happy sigh. But he’s only content to stay like that for a few moments. He bumps your nose with his and tugs slightly on your shirt, requesting permission to kiss you again. You’d love to do that, and you’d love to do more than that, too, but you don’t want him to rush into something he’s not truly ready for.
“You know what we could do?” you ask, running your hand through the curls on the back of his neck.
Spencer’s eyes keep flicking between yours and your lips. “What?”
“A good old-fashioned high school make out,” you say, smiling at him softly. “And I’ll keep my hands above your waist.”
When he visibly relaxes, you know it’s the right decision. “I’d like that,” he says quietly. “I mean, I never kissed anyone when I was in high school, but I get the idea.”
The shy look he gives you before climbing onto your lap reminds you so much of how he was when you first started dating. He’s still there, your Spencer, the Spencer you fell in love with. You never truly thought he was gone, but there were plenty of moments of doubt, moments when you wondered if he’d ever be able to pull himself out of the wreckage, out of the grip of trauma. As much as you wanted to, you couldn’t do it for him.
As it turns out, he could. He can.
It’s far from over. He still has a long way to go. You both do. But for the first time since the day he came home from prison, a return to normal seems possible.
It won’t be the same as it was before. He’s always going to be a little different. But... that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.
He kisses you, and it feels like it used to, full of respect, adoration, trust, and love. It feels like Spencer.
Despite everything, it’s still him.
---------------
tell me what you thought here!
if you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. this was very much a personal work but i decided to share it anyways because why the hell not, i'm proud of it. the next chapter will explore horse therapy, a treatment i did and loved, among other things.
i'd like to encourage you please seek this kind of help if you think need it. i see how it changes lives every day at work and it changed my own as well. there's no shame in getting the treatment you need, whatever that may be. recovery is worth it.
if you’re interested in learning more about trauma and the treatment of it, i cannot recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., enough. it was my favorite book i read last year and i referred back to it several times while writing this.
#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid fanfic#criminal minds fanfic#criminal minds self insert#spencer reid#angst#my fic#the shampoo incident is something that actually happened on one of my shifts last august#and yet that's not the craziest thing that's happened while i've been at work lol#don't drink shampoo kids#tw substances#tw suicide
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Demonifying regeneration
A while back (because I am slow and what better time to post a theory than right before the next chapter which might utterly destroy it?) @ari-no-exorcist noted that despite being shot in the head, Rin doesn't seem to have suffered any changes in personality like often occurs with head wounds in the prefrontal cortex... But @facets-and-rainbows remarked that's just what Demon!Rin is.
This was meant as a joke, but... It actually makes a frightening amount of sense.
You know that thing about people basically becoming a whole new person over the span of 7 years, due to the various speeds at which cells are replaced within your body?
It's revealed early on that Rin, even unawakened, had abnormally quick healing... But ever since he came into power, that ability to regenerate damage became even stronger.
And it occurred to me...
If it is demon power that helps the cells restore... Wouldn't that mean the new cells are inherintly more demon-like?
Wouldn't that mean that Rin automatically becomes more demonic with every injury??
Now, this whole regeneration thing ties in very, very nicely with AnE's central theme of willpower, or belief or imagination, if you will. The thing that determines whether you control a demon, or it controls you.
It amplifies the influence of choice.
Because the thing that steers your actions (brain) is compiled out of cells too. Which means when you choose between something like fight or run, you also choose more or less chance of injury, meaning more or less demon cells, meaning more or less influence on the brain...
No wonder Shiro tried to raise Rin to be as gentle as possible, and witheld all exposure to exorcism from him! You don't want a half-demon working a high-risk job like that: aside from it potentially fucking him up mentally through the daily horrors (ahem, Yukio), or exposure to magic stimulating his hidden powers somehow, the potential of it aiding in Demonification through getting your ass kicked is through the roof as well.
Yukio shooting Rin in the head was literally the best possible way to trigger Demon!Rin's full awakening.
Yukio: Gives the pass (Shoots Rin)
Satan: Kicks the ball into the goal (Breaks Kurikara)
Result:
And now for the VERY interesting part...
YUKIO KNOWS THIS.
...Did Yukio get so blinded by hatred that he forgot what effect his action would have? Or is he deliberately trying to bring out Demon!Rin? For what purpose? Just to test himself against his brother at maximum strength? Or because he is underneath it all actually hoping his brother will harness that power and defeat Satan & Lucifer?
And in that regard... Friendly reminder that Mephisto, the indesputable expert on demon-hostbody relations, constantly puts Rin in harm's way. Deliberately.
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At least elu or sobbe fans are not "curious" to know how eliott and the boys he had would have played out. Martino and Niccolò are beautiful together. In my opinion they have everything a couple should have :softness, passion, playfulness, cuteness... And yall still think about his past 🤦♀️
You know what's really funny about this? I mean, aside from someone being so bored on a Friday night that they're in random people's inboxes in some vain attempt to cause problems. No, what's really funny is that I reblogged that post from someone else, meaning it wouldn't show up in the tags. That means you deliberately went searching for it, ans then stupidly try to act "surprised", as if we all don't know how this website works at this point.
But I've made time, so let's get into this, shall we?
The only thing Elu and Sobbe fans truly seemed to care about is Elu and Sobbe themselves. Not the individual characters themselves and what they went through or the journeys they took, but the whole, in a relationship part, and only when they were cutesy and in lurve. If there was any kind of drama (which, come on, this is Skam) the fandom chose Eliott's and Sander's sides in almost every instance.
Which, of course, brings us to one of the cornerstones of fandom in general. Fandom loves their broken white boys. So much so that they'll often ignore anything that doesn't have to do with how broken they are, because it triggers some kind of uwu fantasy where YOU would know how to treat him, and YOU would make him feel loved. That's why the Skam fandom was always so hyperfixated on the Even character, because that was the half of the pair that was into girls. And for a fandom made up predominantly by women, that was perfect. The Isak character became a self-insert for them to live out their fantasy of mending their broken boy, without actually having to interact with anyone who had a MI.
That's another reason why most of you hated Marti and Nico so much, because Marti was taller than Nico, and it ruined the binary, big-small, top-bottom stereotype. But let's not get into that right now.
This fandom never cared about Robbe or Lucas, except in how for how they made Sander and Eliott feel. There was nothing but scorn and mocking whenever Robbe or Lucas did anything to try and be "more straight". A vast majority in the fandoms didn't care about them dealing with their internalized homophobia, they just wanted them to skip to the happy gay shit so they could watch two boys kiss. That was incredibly apparent with WTFOCK, because they didn't follow the normal timeline of events, and all I saw for three weeks was "where is Bel!Even?" Over and over and over again. Almost like, you didn't really care about Robbe or what he was going through. It got worse the further along it went, like when Robbe snapped at Sander and y'all immediately started talking about having Sander be with Lucas VDH instead.
People like you didn't care then, so I find it incredibly hard to believe that you suddenly care about Martino now. Why does it bug you that we're interested in Marti and Nico passed their relationship with eachother? Is it because both Marti and Nico got development on their own? That they had things going on aside from Marti's love fixing Nico's BPD? That we actually got to learn that Nico had a whole life before he transfered to Marti's school? What is it? And while you're at it, show me where any of us said we wanted Marti and Nico to break up? Show me.
#lool everyone#an asshole anon from a different fandom#nicotino#martino x niccolò#martino rametta#niccolò fares#luai marrash#skam italia#skamit
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New Tags.
//Why am I doing this: things are uncertain right now with Apple’s owning of tumblr and I’ve seen blogs already flagged for their posts. People I actually know and such.
//What is it going to entail? While it’s not going to be the full ‘Citrus System’ or even use the same phrasing? It’s mostly to get around the algorithm while also not conforming to other similar tags that’ll attract other people or potentially get flagged when the Boomers catch on.
Be aware that while tags are censored with *, certain red-esque content is still understandable to an actual person. Keep in mind that this is possible temporary but could be permanent as an easy fix.
New Rule Upcoming: it will involve talking in tags
So list of tags:
ic = remains the same
ooc = remains the same
save/to do list = remains the same
template = remains the same
caution = no longer in use
character tags = (for now remaining the same, if I get flagged I might just change a few ‘inappropriate ones’)
partners tags = remains the same
headcanon = remains the same
triggering and tags in general:
cartoon violence = ct1g
g*re, b*ood and more revolving around violence = v1g
po*itical statements/po*itics mention = p1g
ce*ebrity mention = c1g
s*x content = s1g
t*rf/t*ans*hobi* mention = t1g
h*omo*ph*bia mention = h1g
r*cia* disc*riminati*n mention = rd1g (I don’t really talk about this much anyway but just in case it comes up ig)
r*pe/s*xual as*ult mention = r1g (same for above)
This system is not to be copied but encouraged to be used in similar regards due to algorithms and Apple and tumblr can’t moderate it all lol.
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Response to being asked to give an opinion on Connie’s calout by residentevil-4
(Tw: CSAM, rape fic, incest fic, predatory behavior, racism, ableism, kink mention, nsfw mentions. Minors should probably dni.)
“Connie and I know each other irl and went to school together for 3 years, although they now live in a different state and have cut contact with me. We went to a private therapy school in Manhattan as we're both disabled and were deemed unable to attend public school. Even though we were pretty close, Connie didn't like having photos taken of them, so I don't have any selfies of the two of us; however, these are from our sophomore and senior yearbooks which at least confirms that we were in the same year at school. People who have seen Connie's selfies should be able to confirm that that is what they look like.
First and foremost, Connie is not TMA. They are intersex and the two of us have discussed intersex issues both in person and online, but they are still decidedly CAFAB.”
Ok so first off, I want to address this part of the callout. To be honest...was it really necessary to literally doxx Connie ehre? Because this textbook definition of doxxing. Yes Connie’s done some shitty things but I freally don’t think that what they’ve done warrants this level of doxxing. Or...even better, any doxxing. This feels like a really unnecessary breach of privacy, revealing sensitive information on Connie’s childhood that they choose to confide in you with.
I really don’t agree with this aspect of the callout as it feels very invasive and bordering on stalkerish. Btw when I say bordering on stalkerish I’m not directly calling you a stalker Bonnie. Just so we’re clear. I am not defending Connie supposedly faking being TMA. Because faking being TMA is a very serious issue. HOWEVER since I don’t know Connie irl and to be quite frank it’s none of my business what the nature of their agab is.
Were not close and I’m certainly not going to like lead Connie onto thinking we’re friends just to confirm this with them because that would be creepy. So to be honest I’m going to take this part of the callout with again of salt for now.
[ID: A cropped screenshot of a numbered list Connie posted to their blog hadrosaurs in response to an ask.
“3. I’m TMA And that’s completely irrelevant. I’m not accusing them because of their gender I didn’t even know their gender when they said that to me saying that they said that because they fucking said that and the reaction to it was incredibly alarming. Don’t fucking say that stuff to people.]
I mean I”m not a trans woman so take this with a grain of salt if you want but...I don’t see how this is really proof of Connie being deliberately transmisogynistic? Yes Connie gives iffy retellings of mistakes they’ve made in the past. I’ve seen that on their blog before and I won’t pretend it doesn’t happen. BUT here they sound genuine enough and to be honest a growing issue I’ve seen with callouts as of late is. A person confirms they in fact did not do the thing they were called out for.
And then the people who make the callout choose to see it as proof of incriminating behavior anyways. To be honest it’s a big problem and it’s also incredibly unfair to the person being called out. If you’re so determined at that point to see the person as bigoted no matter what they say then of course anything they say can be seen as proof. So I’m going to have to pass on this bit of evidence.
“Connie responded:
“Final note: I have spoken extensively with several trans women about using TMA to describe myself. I will not be getting into discourse about that on this blog again. All that leads to is people demanding my medical records and calling me slurs. If you wanna have a thoughtful conversation about it direct message me cause it’s not happening again here.”
Again this really doesn’t seem all that self incriminating. Connie mentions here that they’ve talked to rl trans woman about whether or not they can be considered TMA. Connie really doesn’t have to disclose that personal information to people for any reason. Yes even when people are e including this ask response in a callout. And considering lots of people DO get invasive about Connie’s medical history ans general personal life over matters like this? I feel their reaction is pretty understandable here.
“Connie has constantly compared “exclusionists” (or anyone, really) to TERFs, even when the people in question are not transmisogynistic, trans exclusionary radfems, or are even transmisogyny affected themselves.
“
Gonna have to disagree with this part of the callout too. Lots of ace inclus blogs, even some run by trans women , have proven that the ace exclus movement was started by swerfs/terfs. But the blog that has the most evidence for this is courteousmingler on tumblr. I suggest you check out that blog’s archiving of the history of ace exclus rhetoric before rushing to call me a transmisogynist for disagreeing with this part of the callout.
I looked through all of the evidence for Connie being racist and tbh as a black ndn it all feels incredibly flimsy. It’d be one thing if Connie was using their experiences to derail and invalidate the discussions about how black people are oppressed But they weren’t doing that there at all. This part of the post feels incredibly biased. And like OP is looking for things to be mad about. Going to have to pass on this list of evidence.
Also uh I seem to recall that residentevil04 got called out for some questionable behavior as well.
“Both me (insepsy, hi) and ezrat have had really weird spikes in activity on our Statcounters, both on the same day. (Saturday, 4/17/21) For both of us, majority of the pages looked at by these visitors have been related to or about Connie, or have been posts that Connie would find "problematic" such as the f slur untagged or something related to "panphobia"/aphobia.
I’m sorry but...none of the proof of cyberstalking holds any water. Visiting someone’s blogs and rbing posts to disagree with them is not cyberstalking. Keeping tabs on urls that an abusive person who has harassed are using so you can block them (in this case with kyoshi) and warn your mutuals is not stalking. As a victim of rl stalking it’s...really weird to call this legit stalking at all. Much less claim that you have damning proof of it being stalking when no such evidence exists in the callout.
Besides after Connie and nonbinarydave called out one of kyoshi’s buddies for sending a death threat hate anon to nonbinarydave’s toddler st4lker partly admitted to doing it a few times. Then other mutuals in kyoshi’s toxic social circle clearly began joining in. Making side accounts where they tried to spin a false narrative of nonbinarydave’s daughter being one of their alters (ableist as hell.) And also trying to do it in such a way that they thought would trigger nonibnarydave’s psychosis (also ableist as hell.)
If you’re going to drag Connie for their mistakes and never let them move on from those mistakes then it’s only fair to do that to people you agree with who also do toxic/bigoted things.
ALso the fact that your wording here suggests that you think panphobia and aphobia aren’t real makes me doubt this claim even more. Exclus and their allies are notorious for mislabeling inclus disagreeing with them as stalking.
“connie said that they would release that info at a later time and the minor began to argue with them that they had a responsibility regardless of their complicated relationship with age. in this argument connie for a time kept their age ambiguous and at one point told the minor (who confirmed in a later ask that they were severely traumatized by adults) that they obviously weren’t traumatized. connie quickly deleted this ask and any mentions of it and the next post they reblogged was about how wrong it was to try and quantify or discount others’ trauma. on my old blog i @ed them in the replies and asked if they had just done that. connie admitted to it and said it was fucked up but quickly blocked + deleted my comment. i can’t remember whether or not connie apologized to the minor, they may have? but yeah. i thought that was pretty weird.”]
I do agree with some of the concern here that adults shouldn’t over expose minors in discourse. I’ve been contemplating this for awhile myself. And trying to figure out how to take better steps to avoid including minors who are triggered by discourse in discourse, especially. HOWEVER I have one little issue with this addition to the callout. If that is the case then exclus and their allies need to practice this as well. You cannot ignore the fact that the reason a lot of minors are getting involved in exclus discourse is due to adult exclus and their allies forcing minors to pick a side in the discourse.
Y’all are not at all exempt from this problem. I still remember an ex mutual of mine trying to convince a minor to agree that aces can’t face corrective rape. And based on how aggressive it got with me when I tried to avoid giving an opinion on the matter, I can’t imagine that it would’ve reacted better to the minor refusing to give an opinion or to the minor outright disagreed. Refusing to put these standards on exclus and their allies is both hypocritical and quite frankly very transparent.
The claims about them glorifying dark topics on AO3 through their fics also seems unfortunately legit. I mean those asks of shaming people who ask their viewers to not romanticize or glorify abusive relationships in their works is very damning. I’m very disappointed to see that Connie has taken being an inclus to the point of validating antis anti culture wholeheartedly. I can’t think of much more to add to my opinion on that part of the callout.
As for the issue of Connie interacting with pro shippers in the past, I do know that this claim is legit. I’ve seen it before and so has Breeze. This was why for a brief time we decided to stop following their blogs. Because it was triggering to have pro shippers put on our dash. And sometimes we just don’t feel it’s worth it to always let people we’re platforming know they’re rbing triggering stuff. So sometimes we just quietly unfollow and choose to not interact until we’re sure they’re filtering what they do and don’t rb in some way.
I definitely don’t agree with that behavior. And if they’re still doing that I”ll deplatform again.
“The anon asks: “A weird question but do you know any other stimboard blogs with your follow criteria? (No radfems, racists, fandom antis, etc.) I was hoping to find more through your “similar blogs” but a lot have no anti-antis for their DNI or allow truscum/transmeds and exclus. :(“
The user responds: “I know of @turtle-pond-stims, @outofangband, and @kinaesthetics! 🍂🍄"
“[ID: A cropped screenshot of an ask sent by Connie from their now-deactivated blog, butch-with-a-tortoise.
Connie says: “hey anon I have safe stim blogs. dm me if you want them. And radfems/bigots aren’t allowed to interact. For my own safety (because the community is honestly terrifying) I can’t publicly say on my blogs that I’m safe for proshippers/kinky people but I try to spread word how I can.”]
[ID: Screenshot of a post by evilwriter37, which reads, “I’ve been seeing posts about fandom police leaving ao3, and it’s like: Good. We don’t want you here anyway. Go find your own fanfiction site.”
The post is tagged “#Fandom #AO3 #Antis #Purity Culture” and has 87 notes. It was posted on December 21st, 2020.
There is a reply from main-to-outofangband-andothers saying: “there are Silm antis on that site who are against Russigon (Maedhros and Fingon) not because they’re cousins but because they’re both male (coded)”]
[ID: A screenshot of an anonymous (though signed off as being from outofangband) ask sent to evilwriter37, which says, “Melkor and Viggo solidarity is ‘Look there’s nothing wrong with keeping my enemy chained up in my personal chambers at all times so please just focus on the war efforts and I’ll focus on the boy* in my chambers’ -@outofbangand.
*boy used figuratively @ antis”
The user responds: “Pfft!!! Hahaha! You’re absolutely right! (And Viggo does refer to Hiccup in canon as ‘my boy’).”]
I can’t really say anything to refute this. Because these are all posts of Connie outright stating that they disagree with antis. And not only sympathize with anti antis but are fully against antis. Looks like very damning evidence.
Although ngl I’m not entirely against kinky blogs as a whole? Just so long as they truly stay in their lane with their kink content. And don’t force it on others in any way. Or shame people who are triggered by their kinks. It is true that being entirely against kinky blogs no matter what is dipping your toes into swerf rhetoric.
Tbh I’m not going to look at the rest. This is pretty much all I need to make a decision on whether or not I”ll continue platforming Connie. Though I will try to get some more perspective from people who I interact with as well. Because I feel better about making a more definitive decision after doing that.
Also in general please don’t not try to get an opinion from me on how I feel about syscourse. A lot of the claims about Connie’s age weirdness and them using their alters as a shield feel like syscourse to me. Especially if this callout was written by one or several singlets. Singlets should never be trying to judge how legit someone’s system is ever. Even if their system friends encourage them to.
You can call out a horrible person with a system without trying to insinuate that they’re lying about their alters in some way. Doing otherwise is ableist ESPECIALLY if you’re a singlet. Also in general the reason I stay out of discussions of judging how someone is handling their systems is because it’s syscourse and syscourse is triggering for my system and I. If this post was an attempt to get me to give an opinion on the validity of Connie’s system I don’t appreciate it.
And I would appreciate not being dragged into such matters again, thank you.
In general there’s like a few parts of this callout that feel legit. Which is unfortunately cluttered with obvious bias and obsessive hatred of Connie. I’m not here to stan or coddle Connie. I know they are not a perfect person. Especially since no human being in the world is perfect.
But I feel the way this callout was created was very sloppy since a lot of the evidence was messy at best. And some points were very hypocritical as well as there being some no true scotsman moments from OP. In acting like exclus never do any of the thing that they tried to call out Connie for. Which is behavior that I am not a fan of. This is why people need to be more careful about callouts and like make roughdrafts and have a more unbiased person helping them if they don’t feel they can do it on their own.
I’m even trying to make a resolve to do better at that myself. So it’s not like I’m unwilling to put my money where my mouth is. Anyways those are all my thoughts on this messy callout. And tbh I’m not going to get too much more heavily involved in this. Because I need to focus on more immediately serious rl stuff more often, like doing what I can to get out of the hellish landscape of a house I currently am stuck in.
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Finding myself still upset a week later. Tired with the idea that no matter if I'm in the wrong or not, I'm usually expected to either reach out and apologize first because I'm sad at the distance, or just act like nothing happened.
And it's not just this time. Which is the bigger issue. It's this reoccurring thing in my life, which has, in the long term, fucked up my perception of my own allowed emotions. With BPD I'm already invalidating myself, constantly thinking I'm over reacting. The issue has become that I'm rarely if ever over reacting now, because I'm too scared to even open up or feel around people at ALL now. Which I also get told is a problem, how I don't share and open up more - like I use to. It's a fucking loop.
I have people mad every few years that I can't be the friend they want me to be. And when I am transparent about my capabilities and my personal needs, I'm told I basically have to remind them about it when they get upset. It's not my job to keep apologizing... It's like, I'm sorry I am how I am. I also don't want to be like this, but it's how I am these days. I also think it sucks.
But I can't keep apologizing and hating myself for someone's expectations of me that I've been clear about what I can handle... And there's this weird reflection of that in that I'm told I don't owe anything to anyone or whatever, but it feels backhanded and passive in a way that never lays well with me when people say it? Like sometimes it feels like people put words in my mouth? If that makes sense...? It's like when people project their anger on my tone when 9/10 I'm depressed, tired and my tone is honestly flat. Like now.
Getting upset at me over and over again, doesn't help me to be closer to you either. It makes me constantly hear I'm a disappointment and I'm fucking up or hurting you, because I'm not pushing myself to do more than I'm capable of emotionally and mentally. I apologize constantly and it becomes a huge thing of what did I do wrong now.... And again, that's not an isolated incident. It's numerous observations. I feel guilty for taking up time, when I'm not feeling good enough for the person. Does that even make sense?
I'm just tired of hating myself for not being the person people want me to be. I am transparent about my energy levels, my abilities to be a friend. I give so much of myself, and I admit that I have no perception of time outside of if I'm working or not, or when I work next. I constantly tell people this. Most people understand, but it's the ones that don't that I feel bad over, and who have more weight somehow...
I think the other thing upsetting me lately is, it wasn't the first time someone pretty much told me that my responses were apparently too long or too much and it was literally in response to their messages. And it just... Idk. People want to vent and yell and rant at me, but not read my responses? Intention or not. It settled in my chest weird and caused a big mental shut down for me in terms of feeling worth someone's time. It just...Idk. It hurt. It's still hurting. It's that feeling of why should I bother with something if that's how the person feels about my feelings. That they're only worth glossing over, when I make sure I read and respond appropriately to things... It hurt a lot. And it kind of just felt like why are you bothering with ME?
It's like how I got reprimanded for saying I felt like a filler friend. Those are my feelings. I'm allowed to feel them. Being yelled at or being told i shouldn't feel that way when history of numerous friendships proves it to be a valid feeling is...what??
I...mm. It made me feel like a fucking freak or something honestly. Like I'm a weirdo for responding to people's messages thoroughly? And it's not the first time, and maybe previous times are why I have such aversion to talking at length about myself and my feelings now.
I've just sort of put everything at a distance since. A few friends have texted me, and I've been working on fixing some friendships via opportunities that have arisen. But that shit cut me deep, and made me feel weird about friendships in general again. Like maybe I'm not supposed to be anyone's friend because apparently I can't do it right. I...try to be there when people need me, and reapond when spoken to, I make time to see people when they want to and even ask people when I feel safe enough to or am not exhausted from work...even when I'm exhausted I do...I buy lunch or dinner every time people come over because I feel if you come here, I owe you that much... Or Becca or I cook dinner... I....??
I like to think I'm a good and valuable friend, otherwise I guess people wouldn't be upset with me...but also like...I deserve respect that I'm not who I use to be, probably never will be again, and I'm constantly pushing myself more than I should because I love the people in my life, or I wouldn't make the space and time for them that I try to... I have faults, I'm not perfect, but I try to be as kind and courteous and considerate as I can be... I'm genuinely interested in things and engage when I can... Idfk. It's not.enouvh. But I'm never going to BE enough for people.
I shouldn't have to report to people when I'm not feeling well. I will make a post to social media because I catch myself, and it's easier to make a vague post about myself or a generalized comment so if someone is inclined to talk to me further, they can on their own engagement terms because I've also had friends who get mad I vent too much!!
It's like no matter what I do, I understand people are all different, but I've had such negative reactions from basic shit that I don't know how to be a person at times. Trauma shapes us, and I hate the mangled form of an incorrectly thrown vase I've become, but I'm trying to fix it and it's DIFFICULT.
But yaknow, I'm sure I'm just being dramatic or something. Or I'm the asshole. I don't think I've actually ever had someone hurt me and apologize after I've told them it hurt me. At least not sincerely. It's always met with defensive energy, like I'm a jerk for it?? Tone is a weird thing...
Which is EXACTLY why I don't tell people when they hurt me, because it blows up.in my face as I'm in the wrong, and my anxiety and energy peak and I just feel remorse for TRYING. So I'm not expecting anything to ever change in my life, and especially with my avoidance of Discord and Twitter right now.im super not expecting shit. It might be months before I check my messenger or.notes there becauee that's how my anxiety triggers with this shit. Friendship issues and potential abandonment and shit just make me give up on existing in shared spaces. That's avoidance ans I'm sure there's a million things to be said about it about me, but it just sucks. The way my anxiety makes me feel.in regards to these topics where I'm expected to trust people, but if I speak up.i feel immediately on edge because the reaction is that I'm bad and wrong...man. No, that feels bad. I hate it. And maybe that's why I'm so unfeeling anymore. Detached, as jt were...
Life's a fucking mess, and I need to take care of myself because my mental.heslth has been in scary places lately. And I don't try and burden people with it at all, because those are my demons. But also, like, I fake a lot of happiness and save face online, and like...that takes a lot out of me.
But... I'm tired.of not.letting myself be upset when someone severely hurts me on a fundamental level.for myself. I'm allowed to be hurt this.time. It sucked. Ans I don't know what to do anymore, because I'm tired of the energy suck of being told I'm basically in the wrong.
I feel resigned to just not have friends honestly. Like I'm too fucked in the head to have them, I guess?? That's what it feels like. I don't know what to do, I just... Don't want to exist honestly. Everything is already too much every day.
I gotta get ready to sleep because good ol work tomorrow and another day of autopilot. I've done nothing but come home, sleep, and wake up at 8pm and space out for three or four hours and go back to bed all week.
I'm burnt out on existing ans that thought brings me actual terror some days.
#kat life#ignore me#probabaly delete tomorrow#tumblr.has always been nice tk yell at the void ans clesr my ahit brain#theres jusy a legit mental breakdown over the horizon and im just trying tk keep.it together fkr a few.more weeks...
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Personal favourite HP (&FB) fanfictions (but unfortunately it’s mostly GGAD)
posted: 08-10-2020
edited: 08-24-2020
(really sorry for the mistakes! fanfics are better i swear)
I read several HP and FB fanfics during the last few months, and in order to sum up my favourite ones, here is this post. It’s entirely and obviously personal, and to be honest, it’s more something which is more supposed to help me than recommanding something to you
But I truly think those fanfictions are great, so if you didn’t already read them, you may enjoy them!
I might update it every now and then, by the way!
(most of them are already quite well-known though, sorry)
Put Your Guns Away, it’s Tea Time (52k) and Put Your Curse in Reverse (276k) (from the It’s Tea Time serie), written by ellizablue :
A very lovely, funny and well-written story which follows Albus Severus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy, Harry and Ginny Potter, the rest of the Potter-Weasley family and all of the surrounding people after the events of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.
It’s technically canon-compliant - the author created an amazing story based on HPCC - and did it so well! I admit I was a bit disappointed about HPCC when it had been published, but It’s Tea Time “fixed” all of the things I was confused about.
Albus’ and Scorpius’ relationship is adorable, both of them are interesting characters. Harry and Ginny are amiable and attentive parents, they protect people they love. James Sirius and Lily Luna are also great - and to be honest, all of the characters are refreshing, complex, ect. I could talk about it throughout countless of pages. So many themes are brilliantly treated. I still didn’t read the third opus of the series!
(if I should recommand one only series of HP fanfictions, I would recommand this one)
Several fanfictions written by meanwhiletimely :
Illumine (10k) :
In Prague in 1914, Albus Dumbledore goes to a Gellert Grindelwald’s brillant speech. The political discussion between Albus and Henry Potter, how Gellert is able to enthrall a breathless crowed, Gellert’s and Albus’ very special and intense relationship, the wonderful Christian imagery and parallels, the description of the surrounding world and the ambiance, Gellert’s speech... It is quite marvellous, well-written and perfectly bitter-sweet - more bitter than sweet though. Eventual smut, very good, but imo, it cannot be considered as the very heart of the text, even though the sexual tension is omnipresent. I can't help but read it oftenly, and everytime I'm amazed - it might be my favourite GGAD fanfiction in fact. Brilliant.
Extreme Incantations (10k) :
In order to find clues about the Elder Wand story, Albus and Gellert try a “decadent, degenerate, deranged” ritual. A lot of smut, but again, their relationship and their psychology are absolutely central. I loved how they are portrayed, loved to discover Gellert’s thoughts and point of view. Again, it’s brilliantly bitter-sweet - even quite heartbreaking. Like Illumine, I have so much more to say, but I’ll stop here and just say: if you are interested by Summer of 1899 fanfictions, you could be delighted to discover it.
The Seer in the Tower (2k5) and Collateral (3k) are as great as Illumine and Extreme Incantations. In the first one, Tom Riddle meets Gellert Grindelwald after 1945 ; in the second one, Gellert and Ariana talk thanks the Resurection Stone. Light Bringer (10k), which sums up the Summer of 1899, is also amazing - incredibly painful, hopeless and horrendous, and Gellert Grindelwald is definitely not a good person - but still amazing.
Thirty-Five Owls (11k) by Letterblade :
After 1945, Albus and Gellert sent letters to each other - and I will add nothing more about the plot. A quite famous fanfiction - published in 2008 - and rightfully recognised as a brillant one. Beautifully written, the tag "Everything Hurts" is accurate, constantly breathtaking. I loved more than everything else the end - overwhelming, and yet so simple. Even canon-compliant, what more could we ask? In a nutshell, an unmissable work.
White (2k) (M) by Vandrerska :
“The story Gellert Grindelwald would tell if somebody took the trouble to ask.”, or a magnificiently well-written 1st person POV fic with Gellert talking about Albus and 1899. Here is the same vibe we already have in Thirty-Five Owls, but with the benefit of a heart-to-heart conversation between Gellert and the reader directly. Needless to say that both of the hearts involved in the conversation are broken. I love how it is written (but it is no surprise, well-crafted angsty texts like this one own my heart).
nobody else but me (5k) by Roflskate :
After meeting Percival Graves and starting a correspondence with the very head of MACUSA's Department of Law Enforcement in 1926, Albus Dumbledore thinks he's finally ready to move on from Gellert Grindelwald. Well, if you saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, you know he's not.
I'm fond of the plot: the way we, as readers, already know how that story is doomed to end, is the very heart of the text - and speaking of the end, I loved it - just like Thirty-Five Owls, simple and heartrending. Again, bitterness is back. Beware of the manipulation and the very questionable consent, it's literally the plot.
(btw, this work inspired this post: GG as Hogwarts teacher/librarian before FBaWtFT: where are the fanfics? (if someone wants to write it please i will be pretty happy))
(In every bloody fanfiction I recommend Albus is suffering, sorry about that) (and it's not going to end with the next fanfic) (suffering is inherent to the character though so)
The Trial of Albus Dumbledore (51k) by Aurora_xx :
In this post-FBCoG AU, Albus Dumbledore is questioned about his relations with Gellert Grindelwald. But before his trial, he unknowingly took Veritaserum. To be honest, I felt it first as a “satisfying” AU: people we don’t like became a bit ridiculous, people we like get through (well, mostly).
Nonetheless, it’s more than that: the trial scene is incredibly tense, the consequences are terrible, and we want to see what's going to happen next. Moreover, the character development is suprisingly remarkably well-done - Vinda Rosier has an amazing backstory, for example; Newt and Newt’s friends are also very likeable, complex, etc. We love to hate Travers, Grindelwald is a character we eventually support (for specific reasons, mostly because he’s powerful, self-confident, rather hilarious and badass, but also a bit more human than we could think). And all we want to do is taking care of Albus.
It’s definitely a really pleasant fanfiction - but not an “easy” one, there are a lot of hard themes and very tense scenes, etc. This story is still considered as a WIP, though the five first chapters are already enough.
Three fics of mautadite :
A Metaphor for Change (1k) (M) : I will just rewrite the summary here, so: "Five things Albus could not bring himself to say to Gellert. (One of them is a lie.)”. I really liked it, it is angsty - but the sweetest way, the very sad way.
To Be Great (0.3k) (G) : What Albus and the Sorting Hat said when Albus put the Hat on his head for the first time. Really a relevant and sharp character study. Again, I felt a hint of a sweet kind of angst. I wonder if I am the only one, you tell me.
Love Letters (6k) (E) : Scenes of Gellert’s and Albus’ life from 1995 to 1899 - often conversations, so say hello to well-crafted relationships between mc and other characters. Here comes the angst again (I think the author writes Albus and Gellert that way - or maybe, the characters are meant to be suffused by angsty undertones). The fact that we go back in time hurts a lot, because every smile they have are perverted by our knowledge of what happens next - the happiness won’t last, and really, it hurts. Canon compliant.
GGAD works of verivala (bloodtroth on tumblr)
Many short one-shots, from fluff to angst - sometimes droll, sometimes soft, often painful, quite always (a bit or a lot) bitter-sweet. You might at least find few of them interesting.
Grindeldore one-shots (22 works)
Grindeldore requests (5 works)
Grindeldore prompt fills (38 works)
L’Indiscible (190k) by Neaniver279
This one is a French one! Deux ans après la fin de la guerre, Percy Weasley - profondément meurtri par la mort de Fred, de laquelle il s’estime responsable - est renvoyé par une mystérieuse potion au 25 décembre 1975. Plusieurs élèves de Poudlard attirent son attention et son affection, voire un en particulier, Sirius Black.
Un pairing très inhabituel qui fonctionne bien ; un Percy Weasley passionnant - faillible, perdu dans ses doutes et sa culpabilité, mais avec une répartie, une malice et une sensibilité hors du commun ; des Maraudeurs et des jumeaux Weasley attachants, avec une personnalité définie et nuancée ; une idée originale géniale, car si le voyage dans le temps ouvre des portes à une nouvelle palette de réflexions et d’expériences pour Percy, il permet aussi d’intégrer un mystère et de la tension autour de la potion, l’Indiscible.
Pas d’underage, mais une relation prof-élève tout de même - tout du moins, pendant un segment de l’histoire. Intéressante, touchante, très drôle, amère, complexe et pathétique. WIP.
Thanks for reading, I hope it had helped!
Thanks to all of the authors also! You are brave, tenacious and doing an amazing work. Thanks a lot! :)
(And of course, beware of the tags, if you are triggered by specific content - homophobia, blood, hospital, violence, explicit sex scenes, manipulation, death, etc)
08-24-2020 edit: Thirty-Five Owls, nobody else but me and verivala’s works added.
02-18-2021 edit: White and mautadite’s works added.
(08-24-2020: i’m also currently interested by Kierkegarden’s works, an already quite inevitable GGAD author, I might add some of them later)
#rec list#harry potter#fantastic beasts#hp#fb#fbawtft#fbwtft#fbcog#harry potter fanfiction#harry potter fanfic rec#scorbus#albus severus x scorpius#hinny#harry x ginny#grindeldore#albus dumbledore x gellert grindelwald#gellert x albus#albus x gellert#ggad#harry potter next generation#percy weasley#vinda rosier#i share those great texts i’m happy now hehe#have a nice day!
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I realize many of you have already read this on either FF or AO3 but in case you read on Tumblr only, here it is!
Heads up, these ANs are a repeat of STYH so if already read that one, feel free to skip these! Working on a few modern day ones but they're not quite ready yet.
So, I have a few fics to chose from for next and I was assured these were wanted to be heard. Or rather read. Please keep in mind, the sequel to Bad Karma, Terrible Fate, and Cell Mates isn't on this list because they will be posted next along with the ones I'm listing here for consideration. I like to do a cannon based fic and an AU in tandem when posting. Or try to anyway, I'm also still posting for SM and working on originals so this might get a back seat from time to time.
So here's what I got (none of these are finished yet but close):
The Shogan's Daughter: Kagome agrees to marry a man, sight unseen so that her village falls under his protection. With a steady rice supply and a few soldiers to protect them, she leaves home and enters the house of one Inuyasha Tenoe. Married life is made so much more difficult with enemy threats hoping to take Tenoe's title from him, ex-lovers weakening Kagome's resolve, and falling in love with your husband no matter how hard you try not to. Set in a Feudal Japan.
Beautiful Hell (working title): She was free. It almost killed her but she had escaped and now she just had to stay out of the dark clutches of her former king. And not be discovered for what she was by the new one. Too bad the Prince is a glutton for punishment, meeting the fiery Kagome, and doing what? Putting her in his harem of course! The setting is a made-up world but hints at Arabic tones.
Hidden Demons: Kagome was doing as commanded, going deep into the Vragoli territory and entering the fabled Crnac Mountains. But she is there to ensure peace, wanting nothing more than to keep her home, Fatamorgora from any more attacks. Her first time in Nema Dusa and yet, the King feels so familiar. Confused, she'll have plenty of time to figure it out, or will she? Her mind slipping all around with dreams that feel more like memories of a past she never had! The setting is made-up here as well but similar to The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings kind of vibes.
All of these are romances and have lemons btw. Let me know what you guys think?
Possible trigger warning with some violence towards a child! I didn't go into detail or anything graphic but just know poor Shippo gets beat up.
FF HERE
AO3 HERE
Chapter Nine
Ever since she started eating with them, Kagome had sat next to Shippo. But as Miroku's 'bitch' she now had to sit next to him. And let him wrap an arm around her from time to time. But when he tried to touch her ass, she drew the line there.
"Cut that out!"
He smirked with a devilish glint in his eyes. "Lovers touch, Kagome."
"Except, we aren't actually lovers?!"
"And we don't want everyone knowing that now do we?"
He had a point and it would all be pointless if it didn't look like they were a couple of sorts. Resigning herself to getting touched, she closed her eyes tight. "Fine. Just don't take liberties."
It wasn't that she found Miroku unattractive. He was a very good looking man. But he was a friend. If he ever confessed to her, she would give him the same answer she gave Koga. She was pretty sure Miroku felt the same about her but that didn't mean he wasn't a horny bastard, taking advantage of the situation.
Her eyes squeezed shut, she waited to feel her butt getting accosted and only felt a chill across her skin. Miroku was laughing when she opened her eyes again, even though Inuyasha had his hand twisted back to Miroku's chest in a painful-looking position.
"Hey Buddy. I've been looking for you."
She had never heard Inuyasha call anyone so much as 'friend' let alone 'Buddy'. His tone was clear he wasn't there to be friendly. "Hey, Inuyasha. You were looking for me?"
"Yeah, we need to chat," Inuyasha said, twisting Miroku's hand a little more.
"I'm in the middle of something here, in case you didn't notice?"
She glanced towards Shippo who just shrugged. The rest of the table was ignoring the duo, must be business as usual for the two. They had never done it around her before though so she struggled to see the humor in it. Miroku was still chuckling as if it was the greatest joke of all time.
"Alright, just give me one second," Miroku leaned around Inuyasha to look back at her, "pardon me, dear, I'll be back in just a moment. Then we can get to you bearing my child as we discussed."
She was feeling very uncomfortable with the conversation but Inuyasha steered Miroku away swiftly after that. They didn't go out of eyesight, just earshot. If anyone was listening, she couldn't tell, every time she glanced over, they were in some kind of heated discussion and those around them focused on their food. Kagome didn't pretend to know what they were talking about but Shippo chuckled from time to time as he listened.
Looking his way, she wanted to see if Koga was listening to anything going on. When she found his eyes staring back at her, she quickly turned her head to look anywhere else. Given the fire his eyes held, he had heard about her new 'relationship' and wasn't pleased. But, since it was Miroku, then she should be fine from now on since everyone was terrified of Miroku's cursed hand. Even with the runes in place, his hand was still sealed up, giving many the impression he could rip the runes on his hand off and use it on them.
Shippo chuckled again and it made her smile, as well as get curious. "What is it?"
"Miroku enjoys messing with Inuyasha too much." He said through his laughter.
Looking back again, Inuyasha's face was red. If she were to guess, he had pulled at his hair in irritation at some point while Miroku was still calm and smirking. Whatever was going on, Shippo and Miroku enjoyed it a little too much.
Lunch over, they all progressed to the yard for free time, only she was swept up by an anxious Kagura. "Kagome. I need a Doctor."
Rushed but silent, Kagura was oddly quiet as they speed-walked to the infirmary. Her eyes danced to the door when she left it open. With haste and care, so to not look too eager to shut them out, Kagome shut and locked the door. The guards had a key but it still gave a sense of privacy.
Kagura had yet to still, pacing the length of the infirmary while she pulled her wheeled stool out and waited. She already had a feeling what this was about. After all, she did consider sticking to the maternity ward after her rotation there.
After several more minutes of agitated pacing, Kagome caved. "Kagura, there's no point in worrying until you know for sure. Right?"
A small amount of calm washed over the demoness, enough to get her to sit at least. Kagome rolled up to her side and placed a comforting hand on her knee. "I'm late."
"How late?"
"...a month?"
She kept her face stoic, her bedside manner training coming into play with this one. "That's pretty late, Kagura. Any symptoms?"
"Demons don't really have 'symptoms' with pregnancy. Not like humans that is."
Irritation was clear in Kagura's tone. But she had a point as Kagome was clearly not adept to Demons and their differences. "Alright. Teach me. Tell me what it's like to be a pregnant demon?"
"Nausea, having to piss all the time, pimples, and whatever else you humans get, we don't get any of that shit. Instead, we feel it."
"Feel it?"
"Feel it growing. I can feel it growing and moving inside me. I'm sure I'm pregnant even without any tests. Demons have never needed them in the past and frankly, I'm not sure it would even work." Kagura had a point there. "So all I really need to know is… can you get rid of it?"
This time, Kagome didn't hide her shock. "Wha… you want to terminate the pregnancy? Why? It's Sesshomaru's right? You two seem like you'd go through hell and back for one another, surely he wouldn't mind having a child with you or you him?"
Jumping up, Kagura went back to pacing. "Like that even matters?! Look where we are Kagome! Open those big, pretty teal eyes of yours and pay attention! We're in prison! One designed to suck the life out of everything and one inside it. This isn't a vacation, you're never going back to your old life, Doctor! And I don't even remember my life before this place, it's been so fucking long."
She took a deep breath to steady her nerves because that was a lot to unpack. "I know this is my home forever… but we have to keep living, Kagura. We can't let them break us. That would be letting them win."
Kagura pulled at her perfect hair, mussing it up beyond repair. "I know that! But what choice do I have?" She fell to her knees before Kagome, grabbing up her hands in a tight grip. "Please, Kagome. They will only take my baby away and do whatever they want to it! To them, we're just vermin and a baby of Sesshomaru's would be experimented on for as long as it lived. Which wouldn't be long with all they would do to it. It doesn't deserve that, that life."
Conceding, she had no choice but to agree with Kagura. But there was only one problem. "I have nothing to terminate a pregnancy with here. And if I ask…"
"They'll make you tell them who. FUCK!"
Kagura was pacing again and Kagome jumped to her feet to stop her. "Do you want this baby? If you weren't in here and its life wasn't threatened, would you have it?" Kagura nodded hard, "We still have some time. I'll do all that I can to help you. Something will have to change and I refuse to let your child suffer. Trust me, Kagura."
oOo
It had been three days since Kagura had come to her and Kagome could focus on nothing else. How the hell was she going to save Kagura's baby? Kagome didn't have a clue but she wasn't about to just stand around while an innocent life was taken. And Kagura wanted the baby, she just didn't want her child to suffer. It was a terrible place to be, unable to protect your own child.
Everyone was coming back from 'work' and Kanna was milling her way through the crowd. Ever since the day in the yard with Naraku, Kanna and Shippo had gotten...closer. They worked in different places but met up on their way back every day now.
Which was why it was strange to see Kanna alone.
"Kanna? Where's Shippo?"
She shrugged, her face as neutral as always. "He told me to go without him."
"He did?" That was weird, Shippo likes having a friend and spending time with them.
"No, someone else told me for him."
The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. Something wasn't right. Kanna didn't react but Kagome didn't expect her to. "Go on to your room."
"You mean cell…"
"Whatever, just go!"
Spinning on her heel, Kagome ran as hard as her human legs allowed and then pushed harder. The laundry room was in her sights when she heard it. Once again, her experience served her and she really wished she was wrong.
Rounding the corner, she saw a group of wolves circled around something, beating it. Staggering forward, she quickly saw that the something was Shippo.
"No! STOP!"
She flung her body at them, trying to get inside and to Shippo who was a quivering mass of blood and swollen flesh. They laughed and shoved her back, only to continue. She tried again and got tossed, hitting one of the washing machines hard before hitting the floor just as hard. Now she crawled, using her palms on the cold floor to drag herself towards one of the wolves. He didn't seem to notice as she took hold of his leg. But he did notice when she bit down on the back of his ankle as hard as she could.
"AHHH!" He kicked her off hard and the others turned on her with him. "You stupid bitch!"
Another grabbed the one she bit by the shoulder. "Koga said she's off-limits. Just her friends."
She wished she could say she was surprised. Koga was attacking her friends to get to her. "You can tell Koga to fuck off!"
They glanced at one another and then returned to their advance on her. At least they now left Shippo alone. That comforted her as fear shivered up her spine. They could smell it, smell her fear. It was why they kicked her lips she was sure. Their auras flickered, staying the same orangey-pink but flashing the closer they got to her. Was this what an aura did when malicious intent was planned? Naraku's didn't flash but his was so dark, she was sure it only sucked in light, not let any out.
They bent down to her and one had their hand around her throat when they were all ripped off and back. There were growls all around, some from the wolves but most from Inuyasha as he stood protectively over her. Miroku pushed them back more with his fist and then his hand, holding it up while keeping the palm hidden in his clenched fingers.
"Don't make me use this!" He screamed.
They coward but recovered. "You wouldn't!"
"Yeah, you'd suck up your friends too!"
Miroku shrugged, "the runes knock off some of my power. Enough to keep them safe while sucking you assholes up!"
They stepped back with that and she didn't know if it was the truth or not. But they believed it so it was enough for her.
With Inuyasha and Miroku here, her attention went back to Shippo. His ragged breaths fogged up the floor he laid on, his fur matted with blood. "Oh, Shippo."
Crawling again, she made it to his side while Miroku and Inuyasha wrangled the wolves out of the room. Before they were completely gone, Inuyasha grabbed one of them up. His blood-red eyes matched his aura, shining bright and fierce.
"If you or any more of your mangy mutts ever come near her again, I'll shove your nose so far up your ass you won't know whether to fart or burp for the rest of your life. Got it?"
The one in his hold nodded heavily as he was dropped to the floor to run. Then Inuyasha's eyes went to Shippo, his head now resting in Kagome's lap.
"Miroku, make sure they don't come back."
Miroku looked confused but more like he wanted to argue. But Inuyasha flashed him a warning glance, his aura nearly blinding. Which made her earlier theory of malice fall to the floor because Inuyasha had no intention of ever hurting her, that she was sure.
The three of them, he shut the door and slowly came to kneel at her side. Shippo was barely breathing.
"I should….we should get him to the infirmary...I can…" She said through her heavy sobs.
Inuyasha laid his hand heavily on her shoulder. "Kagome...there's nothing you can do."
"But he'll heal! I just have to…"
"You can't give him the time he needs."
She stared at him with watery eyes. His own hurt reflected back. No tears, but it was clear he would mourn the kitsune too.
Most people, even most doctors, would understand. They would pick themselves back up and move on, telling themselves they did all they could. Because most doctors would have already done all they could.
But she wasn't most doctors.
Placing her hands over Shippo's tiny body, she sobbed again as her cords of, for lack of a better term, magic dipped into him. She felt every break, tear, cut, and bruise the poor child had endured. He winced and whimpered when she pulled bones back together. Especially the rib that pierced his lung and when she inflated his spleen, sewing the shattered organ back together with her mind.
Her concentration was set and she had no clue what Inuyasha was doing or thinking. This was her biggest secret since she was a child but she had no regrets, not even ones of revealing herself to him.
An exhausted and satisfied sigh left her as she left Shippo alone. The outer cuts and bruises she left for appearances. The only thing that matter was Shippo would live now.
Falling back, Inuyasha caught her. "Are you okay?!" He was checking over Shippo and then glaring at her. "You did it, you healed him, didn't you?" She nodded. "Why? Why the fuck would you…" shaking her head he growled, "this is how you got caught, isn't it?!"
"He's a child…"
"He's a demon!"
Summoning strength from deep inside, she pushed up into his face and yelled. "He's a life! And my friend!" A sob bubbled up too, "and they did this to him because of me."
Inuyasha wrapped his arms around her, crushing her to him. "You don't belong here. You shouldn't be here at all"
She wasn't sure if he meant that in a good or bad way but his comfort was too nice to turn down, twisting until she was cradled in his hold. It caused her to brush her arm against his, pain searing through her and making her hiss.
He pulled her back, inspecting the deep cut closely. "Can't you heal yourself?"
Kagome nodded but then shook her head. "I can't. Any of them could have seen...and I'm human…"
At that, he ripped the hem of his shirt and wrapped it around her arm tight. "I'm going to kill every last one of them. And then Koga…"
"Inuyasha?" Shippo whispered, coming around.
Kagome gently pushed the Hanyou back, grabbing Shippo's little shoulders to keep him still. "Shippo! Hey buddy," she cooed, a few tears slipping free, "you're alright now."
"They...cornered me...made me tell Kanna to go without me and then started wailing on me."
"They didn't say anything? Like a message you were supposed to deliver?" Inuyasha asked his eyes on Kagome's.
"No...nothing…"
The smile on Inuyasha's face was forced so she forced one on her face as well. "You got lucky, kid. The doctor here saved your life. But you're gonna hurt for a while so take it easy."
It was then that guards showed up, looking genuinely confused either at the scene in general or that there wasn't a body or two to deal with. She was surprised they showed up at all.
oOo
Her arm was still stiff but it would be fine. Kagome had replaced Inuyasha's makeshift bandage with a real one but held onto his piece of shirt, hiding it amongst her things. The attachment she felt to a tiny shred that was his was truly telling and Kagome worried about what it said.
Just about to collapse to a gurney for the night, a knock rapted on the infirmary door. She moved slowly in part to the hour but mostly due to her aching muscles screaming at her. She should probably take something but she didn't want to waste her supplies or her gifts on herself.
Her breath caught in her throat when she opened the door and the man smirked all the more at the sound of it. "Inuyasha?"
#inuyasha#inuyasha fanfiction#inuyasha fandom#Kagome Higurashi#inuyasha x kagome#inukag#prison AU#sharing one bed#they were anyway#poor shippo#award nominated story continues
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Pls infodump about lancelot from what i observe almost everyone hates him? (Ok its understandable bec of his affair with queen) im curious why do you like lancelot? And i remember a few days ago you post that there so many things you want to talk about him? And i want to see you rant/gush about his character, relationships, mental illness, his flaws etc ans also what is the difference between fate lancelot and lancelot in the legends? I want to know more about him he is complicated
OK its not that everyone hates him its that people hate what he stands for. the french side of arthurian lit is VERY focused on making lancelot seem like the greatest knight in the entire world because…. wow… hes french. and french people suck. stop normalizing the french. i like lancelot because of what he COULD stand for. theres a lot of things that could be delved into more (his mental illnesses, his communication issues, his inability to comprehend love, the struggle with being unholy or wrong, ect) but no one ever does. so i stole him hes mine now fuck the french they did him dirty.
uhm ok this is under a cut for talks of kinda heavy topics (lots of mental health talk, lots of abuse talk) and also cus its long. sorry i have a lot to say about him)
i like lancelot a lot cus i see myself a lot in him. mostly in his mental health and how he ends up dealing with situations. his struggle with violent mood swings and his huge burden of being labeled as a sinner or whatever for a relationship he admits to feeling trapped in is…. relateable… comforting to see in a fictional character i guess. as flawed as he is hes still heralded as a good person. hes still loved by his friends and his family. and thats nice.. i like it.
uhm for his mental health the main thing that comes out is his struggles with trauma, awful depression, and also just the fact he dissociates a lot. in knight of the cart he is so out of it he doesnt realize a knight is attacking him until hes thrown into the water in which he reacts violently and freaks the fuck out, trying to rip the guy off his horse. he like. physically can not handle extreme emotions and will either fall asleep so he doesnt have to face it (le morte says this is a known quality of him, he does this enough dinadan expects it as soon as he gets mad) or he swings so hard he has an extreme bout of depression (in the vulgate when trying to comprehend his relationship with guenevere and galehaut he just shuts down and spends all his time sleeping or staring at the river) or awful mania (see: the many times guenevere freaks out at him and he gets so upset he jumps out a window and lives in the woods). Lancelot has a lot of unworked out trauma from being r*** twice by the same woman who continues to use him and freak him out so much he cant find camelot safe (triggering another huge spike where he runs off into the woods) or the literal entire end of the legends where he has to deal with the trauma of while having one of his dissociative episodes in combat he accidentally kills gareth, someone he loves and adores like a brother or son and gets so upset he just accepts everything happening and hides in joyous gard, where his cousins have to BEG him to go and defend his honor from gawain whos basically knocking on his door pleading with lancelot to kill him.
lancelots inability to understand a lot of social nuances is also really interesting but like, ultimately leads to a lot of strife for him most namely galehauts death and gueneveres constant abuse. The thing is Lancelot basically idolizes guenevere and this is where a lot of the abuse and weird shit comes from in their relationship. lancelot was a very young knight who honestly didnt understand anything about BEING a knight when he came to court. the queen knighted him and him, being young and not understanding, took this as “i am her knight! i will do anything for her!” and guenevere just kinda ran with this? i dont rlly wanna go too into it ill do that later when i get farther in the vulgate and can talk more on it but it leads to lancelot being trapped in a relationship he admit hurts him, but the small sliver of love guenevere gives him when she needs him is enough to keep him in because his mindset is still “im her knight! this is what a knight should do for his lady!” Galehaut is a different situation where his blindness to social cues and other shit leads to a lot of drama and hellish shit and when he finally snaps and realizes “oh. oh no this is what love should be” its too late and galehaut is dead and lancelot isnt much better. his own mother has to come and convince him not to literally kill himself over this and sends him into a spiral of depression where he doesnt leave the joyous gard for months. when he does and when he comes back to court, no one really … cares? that galehaut is dead. and this is lancelots first experience with actual love and his first experience with the death of someone close to him. which is an awful double whammy to have to experience. he does have good friends like gawain and dinadan and tristan and his relationship with galahad is good but they all end up dead or turned against him by something thats he did and its just. god its so sad to watch. the only people lancelot is left with in the end are his cousins, and even at the end of all of that hes left alone with the corpses of people he thought he loved.
like hes a very flawed man. lancelot is a problem causer and not a problem solver. he doesnt try to he really doesnt, he strives to be the perfect knight mostly for some sliver of appreciation from someone he idolizes he never really ends up getting. he doesnt know how to cope, and ends up making things worse when he inevitably ends up screwing shit up because of this. hes called a sinner and unholy by god, and while he is very proud of his son for what he ends up achieving, has to deal with the trauma of the grail quest alone. he ends up killing someone he loves, and who genuinely respected and cared for him like a brother in a fit of him not being able to deal with heavy emotions. like he truly is in the wrong in most situations but like. in such a pitiable way. hes a good person, but lets his flaws overtake him a lot and pushes away the people who want the best for him. its like…. sad.
(about to talk about fate u can drop off now if u just wanted to read my arthurian lit opinions :-) )
i could go off about fate lancelot and all the problems i have with him for hours but i think the main thing i wanna talk about rn is how they handle his internalization of his life and then just did nothing with it. his wish for the grail is just to be told he was wrong. thats so fucking GOOD!! in life he was heralded as the best knight like of course his one regret was that no one ever stopped him and went “you are wrong. this is wrong. you are doing the wrong thing.” and that being all he wants out of the thing that can grant any wishes is soooooo soo cool and neat. and then they just reduced his personality to “oh boo hoo im so sad im going to fuck a married woman now” like. the fucking dissonance. like lancelot isnt the type for random flings. tristan sure i understand that a bit hes unhinged and hard to characterize and .. honestly does just go around fucking married woman. weirdo. but lancelots entire struggle is over his relationship with guenevere being both wrong morally and literally abusive! i jsut dont get it i dont understand how they built up something so interesting with zero and threw it all out the window it makes me so mad. i dont even wanna talk about fate lancelot anymore rn its giving me a headache cus im so mad.
#hes a really interesting and complex character with a lot of nuance but hes just so dumb#lancleot is the epitome of today i will cause problems on accident#hes just a mess of a man and trying to deal with taht fact but the problem is he has more power#than a man like that should have and it puts himself and others in dangerous situations#Anonymous
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Trigger warning- mentions of self harm, depression, anxiety attacks
You know...lying is easy. Once you start lying it just becomes easier to tell a white lie then to say the blunt truth. It is stupid to say that nobody ever lies. We all told a small lie, whether it was about who ate the last slice of pizza or that we forgot the homework at home or even bigger lies. Lies that end up engulfing us. Lies that we think we control when actually they control us. When I was younger I used to hate lying. I thought people who lied are not good people. But it is not like that. I can say that for me unfortunately lying has become a habit. It is like smoking a cigarette just as easy and just as relaxing. It wasn't a big deal at first. It was small stuff like "yeah mom I fell asleep early last night" when actually I was up until 3 am to read some comic or watch anime. "This joke is soo funny" when I didn't want to make the person telling the joke feel bad abt it. You know...small things that we think will never affect us. But as I said just like with anything else you just need a small push before you start doing it more often. It really started to get out of control when I first said "I am okay" God how I hate those words. I use to say them so often and I never ever mean them. And when someone else tells me those words I never know whether they mean it or not. I keep telling people how much better I am. How I am less depressed now. Less anxious. How I don't have panic attacks now. How I don't want to harm myself anymore. Lies. Lies. Lies. I just think about it all and how stupid it is of me to be lying about something as serious as my mental health. But too many people worry about it. And I don't want to see them like this. Worried about something that doesn't really matter. I am getting worse. Every second I live I feel worse. I have panic attacks in the middle of the class. I just got good at hiding it. I scratch and claw at my skin...I just know to not do it in places my friends or family might see. I used to be an open book with my emotions. Now I only cry when it is too much and only when I am alone. I got good at hiding my emotions. I learned how to smile with my eyes even when I don't mean it. It is very convincing apparently. So you see...I lie. I lie about everything. I keep saying how singing and playing guitar help me feel better. Lie. I keep telling people my favourite shows help me feel so much better. Lie. I keep saying how okay I am with everything going on in my life. Lie. And you know what really opened my eyes? Because for a while there I even fooled myself. It got so big it took control over me. I talked with a friend today. And I told them a small lie because I didn't want them to get upset. It backfired. They found out and got even more upset. I screwed up. Like I always do. And I got to ask myself....what if...what if i get suicidal again. But this time nobody knows. What if i try to kill myself and this 4th time nobody notices it. And I actually go through with it. I don't really want to kill myself and I am not doing it for attention. Believe me that is exactly why I tell ppl I am alright. So my only problem is...if i do it. I will hurt the people i know. And this time...this time they won't even know why i did it. Because they all think i am getting better. That i am better. That i feel so good about my life. It is stupid i know. If not stupid then at least irrational. Ans I am posting all this here because none of my friends know about this blog. And I truly want to be better. And I thought that if I told everyone that I am better I will be. But it didn't work like that. I was lying to everyone including myself. So I guess I am a pretty good liar...cause I ended up fooling myself as well
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DELTARUNE
So, there are plenty of allusions/paralles to Undertale in Deltarune and some easter eggs. I’ve made a list of the ones that I managed to find/catch. I’m pretty sure there are more of them.
1. There is an easter egg with naming your vessel and yourself. Like in Undertale using names of characters from the game will trigger a special dialogue (and like in Undertale naming your vessel or yourself “Gaster” will close the game).
2. When you look through the window in your room there is reference to Sans’ genocide fight.
3. A reference to Tsundere Cactus from Undertale, but in Deltarune it’s just an average cactus.
4. Recognizing yourself in the mirror.
5. Toriel hugs Kris almost the same way she hugs Frisk.
6. Alphys is still a weeaboo obsessed with Mew Mew ^^
7. Temmie still has the EG, but this time she is a partner not a proud parent.
8. If you try using your phone in the Dark World it will start making “Gaster noises”.
9. Ralsei’s cloak resembels the one that River Person wears (could River Person be a Darkner?)
10. Lancer’s bike might be a reference to Sans’ bike from the True Pacifist credit scene.
11. How Ralsei introduces us to the game mechanics is like a combination of both Flowey’s and Toriel’s tutorials. Telling what a soul is and how the fighting works is “Flowey’s part” and usage of Dummy and sparing being a preferable option is “Toriel’s part”.
12. Possibly a parallel to comforting a goatbro (Ralsei is a Goat/Boss Monster and a prince just like Asriel).
13. The shopkeepr hints a secret battle with Jevil in the early stage of the game.
15. The plush that Seam has on a shelf has is a reference to one of the Temmie Chang’s (she helped Toby create Undertale) characters, but I couldn’t find a picture of it.
16. Seam also gives us hints that Jevil knows Gaster. Here’s a video with a full dialogue: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PukI_JTyVg
17. The crown that K. Round wears might be reference to Super Crown, but the way it works is a ref to the big shroom power up. The sound that K. Round makes while growing up and shrinking is very similar to the sound from Mario games.
18. It is surely a reference to Sans’ room door (the weird glow), but it may also have something to do with Gaster’s grey door.
19. The sequence that Lancer and Susie perform is possibly a reference to Team R’s sequence from Pokemon series.
20. Possibly an Undertale Yellow easter egg? (the main charater is named Clover in UT:Y)
21. Even if you got rid of that tree you can still interact with it and get the dialogie box.
22. Lancer misses his attacks on Susie the same way Toriel does that when Frisk has low HP.
23. The theme that plays on floor ?????? inside the Card Castle uses the leitmotif of Gaster’s Theme. (can’t find a link with the theme)
24. A reference to Patrick from cartoon “Spongebob Squarepants”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNZSXnrbs_k
25. Another Pokemon’s reference.
26. You can interact with these pictures, when you interact with all 3 of them they’ll make a splat noise. I’m not sure if it does anything else.
27. Lancer has the same weird pics in his room, you can interact with them too, but they won’t make splat noise. But on the other hand there are CDs with recorded splat noises (the same that 3 previous pics make).
28. She talks about the cake that Susie ate ealier.
29. A missing pixel lmao
30. The cards and chess are references to the enemies from Dark World. There’s also a plushie of Shopkeer Seam under the board.
31. Kris looks similar to unused Frisk sprite.
32. The word “library” is still misspelled.
33. Temmie still wants to go to colleg. That’s the spirit!
34. Apparently Alphys prefers Mew Mew 2 now.
35. Heats Flamesman reference.
36. Just Toby at work.
37. He’s slacking off however.
38. We finally know after which monster Gaster Follower 3 was modeled.
39. Deltarune is definitely a different universe/timeline, cause Undyne doesn’t know Alphys and she still has both eyes. Also Bratty and Catty not only barely know each other, but they hate each other as well (in Undertale they are best friends).
40. On the left - dude who bought Muffet’s donut and regreted that later on, on the right - that weirdo from Napstablook’s snail farm.
41. Police station and Undyne’s house share the same doormat.
42. The big mouth monster that was spending time at Grillby’s, also a possible reference to nurse Joy from Pokemon series.
43. A reference to the absurdly tall sink from skelebros’ house. (also that blue bear might be inspired by 5.0.5 from Villainous)
44. Gerson is dead in Deltarune, also his last name is Boom. The hammer on his tombstone refers to his “nickname from war times” from Undertale - Hammer of Justice.
45. The tombstones of monster who were amalgamates in original Undertale, but since in Deltarune Alphys was never a Royal Scientist, all of this monsters just died. From left to right - Snowdrake’s Mother, the dog (Endogeny), Shyren sister (Lemon Bread).
46. Hand Receptionist from MTT Resort and politics bear from Snowdin.
47. That weird cube-dog-like monster from Sans’ crossword.
48. A reference to Purple Guy from game series FNAF (in Deltarune Burgerpants works at Pizzeria after all, hello?! it must be it xD).
49. A bunny shopkeepr from Snowdin, the guy who works in Core, the Ice Wolf (and he finally has pants as he wanted), Fuku Fire and Skateboard girl (but they already graduated), the lion monster who is a fan of Mettaton and gets a dress from him after his musical, and the dragon dude who couldn’t return to his family cause the elevator at MTT Resort was turned off.
50. Sans’ store is literally Grillby’s bar, but the name “Grillby” was removed and Sans added “ans” to the letter “S”. But he didn’t remove apostrophe. Well done Sans, well done.
51. A reference to Spider-Man, “I’m your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man”. Sans even calls Kris “tiger” which is how MJ calls Peter (I forgot to make a screenshot of it tho).
52. F#ck you Sans xD
53. “trousle of bones” - it obviously refers to Papyrus’ theme Bonetrousle.
54. Little bunny in the window is a child of that bunny monster who runs Snowdin Inn.
55. A monster from Snowdin who loves knocks lives there. And apparently Kris is not as good at knocking as Frisk is.
56. In the alley where you meet Alphys again there is a painting of Everyman (attack of Reaper Bird - one of the amalgamates). You can’t escape from your sins Alphys, even in another universe/timeline.
57. Asgore’s introduction dialogue in Deltarune is literally the same as in Undertale.
58. These flowers are an obvious allusion/parallel to the souls containers. The golden flower in the middle might be representing the empty container for Frisk’s determination soul. If you remember, in Undertale Alphys used a golden flower as a empty vessel to inject determination and that flower became Flowey later on.
59. RG01 and RG02 are still together, and for some reason they are still wearing helmets even tho the Royal Guard is most likely not a thing in Deltarune xD
60. If you wait long enough by the lake Onionsan will appear. He will ask what’s our name and will want to become friends. He also doesn’t remember his own name due to being alone for too long, so we have an option to gave him one.
61. He also might have a dark secret hehe
62. So there is most likely Mettaton, but we have no idea what’s up with Blooky. I’m hoping that in chapter 2 we will find out Mettaton’s canon ghost form and maybe his real name. Also I doubt that in Deltarune Mettaton has machine body, since Alphys never was a Royal Scientist in this universe/timeline.
63. Chara possession much? also a hint to the ending of Deltarune chapter 1
64. After Kris locks his soul in the cage you can still move it, but you can’t escape.
65. The glowing red eyes, Post Genocide Pacifist vibes are strong in this one.
These are all the allusions/parallel and easter eggs I was able to find. I’m sure there are more.
Also there are some that I forgot to screenshot such as “characters titles” in party menu change:
- Kris has a title of Leader, but if you check all 4 beds in Card Castle he has a title of Bed Inspector
- Ralsei title changes after giving him different scarf
There’s also at least one Annoying Dog easter egg in the party menu.
Not to mention the anagrams:
Deltarune - Undertale
Ralsei - Asriel
So yeah, that’s all folks.
Hope you enjoyed, bye!
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me? making a callout post? it’s more likely than you think
anyway
tr ans ge nde r-p osi (no spaces) is a terf-run troll blog who’s trying to radicalize people into terf ideology by posting inflammatory, stereotypical, and strawman-validating things in response to terf posts. the blog also posts a lot of “venmo me money to argue with me” stuff that i can only assume is supposed to be humorous to radfems.
it seems to me like they started out just reblogging pictures of women and actual trans positivity posts to stay innocuous, and then dipped more and more into discourse until now, the point at which in the last three days they’ve made a fuckload of problematic posts in the name of discourse and haven’t reblogged from anyone except terfs in that timespan.
please signal boost this as i don’t want people stumbling onto this blog thinking it’s a legit trans positivity blog. uninformed people may be fooled into thinking this is what trans positivity is. also, and this is very important, until they’re discredited then terfs will use them as a source when espousing their beliefs about trans women and it probably will work.
pictures under the cut. a large majority of these dozens of pictures are from the last three days
1: a very obvious “trans-identified male calling women bitches” caricature + venmo joke
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2: venmo joke
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3: venmo joke
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4: calls a picture of a uterus gross and terfy just for existing, caricature
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5: saying “woman is an adult human female” is wrong (rather than what it actually is, which is a terf dogwhistle), venmo joke
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6: someone asks them for proof of trans women getting periods, responds with not any form of proof at all, which is undoubtedly the point of the post
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7: is it not obvious yet?
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8: you guys can read this and tell it’s mockery, right? or am i just too entrenched in terf vernacular that i can tell it’s all parody? anyway, people don’t actually believe the “if you don’t wanna suck dick ur transphobe” caricature that terfs make up, the use of “triggering” is obv meant to be mocked, “genital fetish like stinky terfs” is a caricature, the “same for trans men” thing is super sus and 100% intentional
8.5: a response to the above post which outlines even more clearly the stuff i said above
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9: “trans women hijack random posts” caricature
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10: more caricature, the bitch thing again
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11: more venmo joke, there’s something in here about trans women not liking biology but terf humor is too shitty for me to understand it
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12: “can’t defend arguments” caricature, venmo joke
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13: actually maybe the can’t defend arguments caricature and the venmo joke are the same thing, i think i get it now
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14: venmo joke, acting like the accusation of trans women being perv men is an alien new thing, trans women must pass rhetoric, do i have to keep explaining these or can you all look at them and see that this is a troll blog
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15: “the stinky terfs who made me dysphoric”
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16: “they’re trying to trans all of the butch lesbians” caricature
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17: self-explanatory at this point
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18: “piss ur pants ugly”, also acting like they’ve never heard of terfs before
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19: “v*gina”, putting sex in quotations, “ur assuming my gender” joke taken to the next level, venmo joke
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20: “delusional trans women think it’s completely impossible to tell someone’s agab” caricature
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21: more venmo joke, the bitch thing again, this person is incredibly uncreative
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22: come the fuck on
22.5:
22.75:
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23: it’s caricatures all the way down boys
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24: parodying censored words
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25: we switch gears to “cringey aceys” for a bit
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26: for those of you who don’t understand “real women and cis women” jokes and “trans women > cis women” jokes are jokes, and often used as such, there’s no problem with that. this person’s using them as actual talking points in an argument, so, caricature
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27: :/
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28: i’m gonna start posting the lyrics to earfquake instead of explanations
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29: for real, for real this time, for real, for real, for real this time
30: cause you make my earth quake, oh oh, you make my earth quake, riding around, your love is shaking me up, and it’s making my heart break
31: I SAID DOOOONT LEEEEEAVE IT’S MY FAULT, CAUSE WHEN IT ALL COMES CRASHING DOWN I’LL NEED YOOOOU
32: aint got body roll, ha, dont give fuck bout none, ha, beam like fuck my lungs, ha, just might call my lawyer, ha
33: plug gon set me up, ha, bish dont set me up, ha, i’m with tyler yung, ha, he ride like the car, ha
34: and she wicked, ha, like woah vicky (like woah vicky) oh my god (oh my god), diamonds not tiffany (diamonds not tiffany)
35: cause i’m in love, cause i’m in love
anyway please signal boost this post because it’s uhhhh important
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