#another off topic post for the benefit of my mental health lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hearmeouteliza · 3 years

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So here’s the scene that’s come so far from this post where I’ve been thinking out loud about Pepper’s origins and the Phantom Blot bonding with her and wanting to help her. For once, I actually do know where I’m going with this (LOL, instead of getting started with an idea and then just winging it), but I want to catch up with some other stories I have out there before taking the full tale on...

Though he’d worked his way into the upper echelon of the organization, Phantom Blot had no real love for F.O.W.L. They were a means to an end; they gave him the most accurate intelligence regarding significant sources of magic and the resources to track them down. Plus, they weren’t fond of Magica DeSpell either, so they wouldn’t stop him from eliminating the threat she posed once he had the chance. His working for the organization was an arrangement of mutual benefit and nothing more. Frankly, after he captured Magica and destroyed all magic to avenge his village – and, more importantly, his family – he didn’t care what F.O.W.L. did or didn’t do.

Over the years, however, Blot had learned a number of the agency’s secrets. The Eggheads, F.O.W.L.’s grunts and resident fashion disasters, had mostly been the products of one of F.O.W.L.’s earlier projects. They had taken in a number of orphaned and abandoned children, raising them to become loyal to the organization and join its workforce. Whether it was truly rescuing them was debatable; many of them might have been adopted by actual families had they not been claimed by F.O.W.L. And the ethics of raising a child for the express purpose of filling a job were questionable. But, on the other hand, though they had been raised in a very institutional environment, the children had never been abused and the Egghead’s wages were reasonably competitive when compared to similar positions in the outside world. Blot had decided he had no real opinion on the program one way or another. Was it ideal? No. But the children had been safe and secure, something their so-called families certainly hadn’t worried about when abandoning them. The orphans were a different situation, and he felt for them, but they hadn’t had any family step up to claim them either. As someone whose own children had been stolen from him, their lives snuffed out before he could stop it, he had absolutely no tolerance for anyone who would abandon a child to the whims of an often-cruel world.

Something else he’d learned and didn’t particularly care about was that ducks and other species with a predisposition to imprint upon their initial caregivers had something known as an “imprint memory.” It was a vague memory of their early moments after hatching, involving the caregiver they’d imprinted upon. There were rarely specifics, just general feelings and a sense of what had been going on around them at the time. If the initial bond with their caregiver was broken, another could be formed with a different caregiver, provided the child was given the time and support needed to do so. Those who suffered from what psychologists termed “fractured imprinting” that had never built a subsequent bond in their formative years tended to have significant adjustment and mental health issues in adulthood. That certainly explained why majority of the Eggheads were so…well, cracked, as the slang went. They would have probably had those issues anywhere else, especially if they hadn’t been lucky enough to be adopted, but while their physical needs had been met, they hadn’t been particularly coddled.

All of that had been in a mental file Blot had labeled “Not My Problem” previously; it was a broad category that encompassed most things that had little to do with his primary mission. However, one particular Egghead had wormed her way into his life with her boundless enthusiasm. She also happened to be a “graduate” of the program. Despite himself, Blot had become fond of Pepper, even beginning to consider her a friend. He certainly hadn’t had many of those since his village had been destroyed so long ago. He had insisted to F.O.W.L. she become his permanent mission partner, something Bradford Buzzard had immediately agreed to since there was literally no one else volunteering. (Why did that bother him? He’d never cared who liked him or not before.) And now, between tasks, they’d begun to talk about topics that had previously been off-limits, such as his family. Pepper’s eyes were wide and sympathetic as he told her of the joy they’d brought him, his beloved wife and their two little girls.

“They sound pretty great,” she said quietly.

“They were,” Blot agreed. He watched, mildly amused as she toyed with her blonde curls that refused to be contained once she took her helmet off. With a name (or was it a nickname?) like Pepper, he’d expected her hair to be red the first time he saw it, but that only went to show how far assumptions got anyone. It occurred to him he knew little about Pepper, other than that she’d been one of F.O.W.L.’s foundlings. Before she’d snuck her way into his heart, he wouldn’t have cared. “Do you know anything about your life before you came here?” He wasn’t sure how else to pose the question. The odds were that her story wasn’t a happy one and he didn’t want to push her to share it if she wasn’t ready. However, given the way she opened up to him like a flower at the least little bit of affection (or even attention), he suspected she’d tell him.

Pepper shrugged. “F.O.W.L.’s the only family I’ve ever known…you know, like most of us. I guess there are a few Eggheads who answered a want ad – bet they had no idea what they were signing up for – but the rest of us were rescued.”

“I don’t know that my opinion will count for much,” Blot told her, “but I find it despicable that anyone would abandon their own offspring.” He was still trying to figure out this whole “friendship” thing, but sympathizing with her situation was a start.

Pepper grinned. “Oh, it does count. And thank you. It’s…well, it does help, at least a little.” She sighed, her gaze trailing off to gaze at nothing in particular. “It’s just…”

Blot frowned, even if Pepper might not have been able to see it beneath his cloak. One thing Pepper had never been was at a loss for words, so whatever she had on her mind had to be significant. “It’s just what?”

“Well, we’ve talked about our imprint memories before, me and the others.” Pepper twisted her fingers together as she talked. “Most of the others, they’re what I’d guess you’d expect – lonely, sometimes cold…just sad, really sad. And I feel a little bad that mine…isn’t?”

“You shouldn’t feel bad for that,” Blot insisted, but he wasn’t surprised that she did. She was the most empathetic of all the Eggheads he’d spent any significant amount of time around; perhaps that had to do with the fact that she might not have had as rough a start as her peers. Had she been one of the orphans? “Did you want to…talk about it?”

Pepper nodded enthusiastically. “It’s really…nice, actually. I remember a woman – she must have been my mother – holding me and singing to me. Just…safe and warm.” Her smile quickly morphed into a frown, however, the rest of her face falling with it. Blot had never seen her look so dejected and he found he hated it. “I don’t know why she left me. They said they found me in a box, just a few days old. Was I a difficult baby? Did something happen where she couldn’t take care of me? Or was she even my mother?”

“I’m sure it had nothing to do with you.” That, Blot could promise her, even if he had no information to answer her other questions. “You were an infant. There was nothing you could have done to deserve being abandoned like that.”

Slowly, Pepper’s smile returned, tentative though it may have been. “Thanks. That’s…really nice of you to say.” She shrugged, her expression a little sheepish. “Sometimes when I got lonely, when I was little, I used to pretend she realized she made a huge mistake and was looking for me. Or…I was really a princess of some country somewhere and she had to hide me away to protect me from an evil sorceress.”

Given that Blot had dealt with more than one evil sorceress in his time and was currently in pursuit of the most menacing one of all, he couldn’t exactly call her fantasies ridiculous. “Perhaps she did. Or…perhaps you’re an orphan after all and she never meant to leave you behind.” It was still an unhappy ending, true, but maybe it would sting less for Pepper to consider.

“Yeah, maybe!” Pepper perked up. “You know, you try to be all tough and menacing, but I think you’re a real softie underneath it all.”

Blot glared at her, but it lacked the heat he usually summoned for those who had irritated him. “I am not.”

“I think you are,” Pepper teased, her voice becoming more singsong.

“Am not,” Blot insisted. Childish as it may have been, she had goaded him into playing along. He couldn’t help but be reminded of similar arguments his girls had…and the memory was a balm instead of a dagger to his heart. This ridiculous little duck just seemed to bring out that sort of thing in him. Privately, he resolved to do some additional research into Pepper’s origins. Surely there would be files that could help him put together the pieces and give her some answers.

It was nice to have someone to care about again.

#pepper the egghead #ducktales 2017 #dt17 #phantom blot #pepperblot

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crownandwriter · 3 years

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Your pinned post says matchups are still open, so I’m taking my shot! But if you’re too busy or tired of all the requests by the time you get to mine, no worries. Tbh, I have almost as much fun reading other people’s results, especially when they’re as thoughtful and detailed as yours!

May I please have a Genshin matchup? I’m bi and use she/her pronouns; I’m fine with any gender partner. MBTI-wise, I’ve mostly typed as INTP with the occasional ENTP thrown in. I think INTP fits better (really, really well actually), except that I’m not (usually) that insensitive or socially awkward. I’m not one to chat up a stranger at a party, but I WILL go to the party and enjoy it (if only for free food/drinks, dancing, and maybe some new music), and if someone approaches me they’ll probably find me funny and a good conversationalist. If one of my loved ones is down, my instinct is to help brainstorm a solution to their problem or suggest nice distractions, but if they just want me to listen and comfort them I can do that pretty well. I do have a lot of trouble expressing my own emotions beyond the easy, shallow stuff, and I tend to get very frustrated and impatient when I see someone’s emotions holding them back from acknowledging facts or doing what needs to be done. That’s especially true when I feel like my own emotions of uncertainty or inadequacy are holding me back from the things I want.

More broadly, some words that describe me are imaginative, adventurous, independent, and I guess ambitious. Some might call me laid back, and I am most of the time, but when it comes to my major goals and dreams I’m actually really determined and honestly a little selfish. Like, if I were up against my closest friend for my dream job, I would still do anything (within the bounds of fairness) to get it, and if I lost I would have hard feelings about it (which I would bury deeply until I die, lol). I love, love learning and trying new things, and my ideal partner is someone who can surprise me and teach me stuff without making me feel like their student or sidekick. I want us to have fun together and help each other grow. My main love language (both ways) is quality time, but I can work with pretty much anything else except receiving a lot of gifts which makes me feel, idk, embarrassed? Or pressured to respond with the right level of of happiness?

Socially, I have a small circle of very close friends (many of whom are also family, including my younger brother and some of my cousins), a slightly larger circle of pretty good friends, and a lot of friendly acquaintances - people I like to hang out with, but would never feel comfortable being emotional or vulnerable around. If I have a conflict with someone I try to talk it out, but if we can’t come to an agreement I’m going to quietly do whatever I want. My most toxic trait is ghosting people, because saying goodbye/breaking up is awkward and inefficient, lol. On the other hand, I think my most attractive qualities as a friend/gf are positivity, spontaneity, and attentiveness to the other person’s likes, interests and dreams.

For miscellaneous, I’m 5’1” with really long dark hair (which I’m a little vain about, ngl), gray eyes, freckles, and (I’ve been told) a sweet face that turns super cold when I’m angry. My style is kind of flashy but practical, if that makes sense? Lots of eye-catching colors and patterns, but everything has pockets and I don’t do high heels. I’m a medical student, and my dream is to be a national delegate to the World Health Organization someday. I have a cat - if my partner doesn’t get along with her then we’re over, but she’s basically the laziest, friendliest chonk on the planet so it’s not hard. My hobbies/interests are games (video games obviously, but mostly board games), beer, cooking, dancing (like, club dancing, I’m not disciplined enough for the formal stuff), and movies, especially documentaries.

Thank you so much, and I hope this was enough info without too much rambling, haha.

I’m jealous tbh Sucrose is, like, the perect girl imo Just need to snip off that rat tail

I ship you with Sucrose!

-Sucrose is more logical than emotional, but not so much that she’s an emotionally unavailable partner! She’s rational, driven, and focused on her work...but, and it’s literally in her game title, she’s an absolute sweetheart. She manages her own emotions and troubles very maturely, communicates rather well, and is attentive enough in her few close relationships to be reliable. She will have her slip-ups occasionally, as everyone does, but she’s understanding about when this happens and when she’s hurt people, and does her best to make it up.

-She herself definitely more on the introverted side, and has a similar stance to you on socializing. She doesn’t always enjoy it because she tends to bring her scientific mindset into conversation and it’s often too fast-paced for her to think about the best ways to interact with people. She does like people, however. So she’s generally more comfortable in an observational role. If you take the lead on conversations, she’ll happily stand at your side and listen quietly--may even pipe in, if she likes the topic enough.

-Your goals, hobbies, and ambitions all line-up really really well! Sucrose would love for you to take an interest in her experiments, and would likely take an interest in your studies without any prompting, too. After all, part of her work in Bio-alchemy is testing how her discoveries much impact or benefit humans. Learning about the human body with you only stands to aid her research further. She’s a student herself, despite working mostly on her own, so she considers you an equal and asks for your help and advice as much as she rambles to you about all the cool stuff she already knows.

-She’d go just about anywhere with you, but by far her favorite dates are documentary nights at home, with pizza and other delicious junk food she doesn’t indulge in otherwise. Bio-alchemy has also led to Sucrose to be very conscious of what she fuels her body with for the most part. She’d also suggest various board games on these nights once she discovers your love of them! She’s fond of them herself, but not always so good. Don’t worry though, she’s not a sore loser. Especially if the wager is a kiss for the winner.

-She very much likes your cat! ...Not just because she’s a cat-girl herself. Sucrose likes all manner of creatures and studying them. She probably conducts various safe experiments on your cat with your blessing, but it’s anyone guess as to what she’s doing exactly. Once she gave your cat some very good brushies and then ran off with all of the loose fur clumps.... Another time she recorded her purring while giving some very good pets!

-Your spontaneity is good for Sucrose! It’s a given that she won’t love all the outings you have together, but she’s open minded and at the very least values new experiences! She has a tendency to stick to her comfortable routines, realizes she might get stuck in a mental rut if she never changes anything up. You’re a blessing for that!

Runner Up: Lisa ....but pls don’t, you and Sucrose are my otp now

#matchup #genshin matchup

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panthaprincess · 4 years

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Rambling About My Right To Openly Identify As A Bisexual Woman

So… I wanted to hit you with some real talk. And if no one reads this, that’s ok. I just wanted to express myself really.

I’m going to have a little chat about my personal life for a minute and I will touch upon gender, sexuality, emotional abuse (briefly), and mental health issues, so if that’s not your idea of fun… maybe don’t read on...

If you’re still here, hey! Thank you 😊

Let me preface this by saying that I am a bisexual cis gendered female. There’s no doubts in my mind about who I am.

I came to the realisation that I was bi kind of late in life. I finally said the words to myself maybe 3 years ago, but the signs had always been there. I’d always found women attractive, but I’d never considered dating one, because, well, I was straight of course! I had no desire to, no inclination.

But then there was the one who awaken that spark. We talked, we flirted, I felt so connected to her. I felt the same way about her that I’d felt about guys before. It was a watershed moment.

The relationship didn’t last long, it all ended just days before I went through a huge change in my life by moving to another country completely alone, but it lasted long enough to make me question everything I’d ever known.

I dwelled on it for a couple of months before I finally said the words, and in those weeks I analysed myself and my experiences. Wondering how I’d never considered this before.

I remember sitting in my living room as a teenager with a dear friend and talking all night about how I felt like a homosexual man. How I felt all wrong in my skin, how I really liked men, but not in the way they other girls seemed to like them which made no sense to either of us. This was before I really understood anything about trans people. In hindsight, do I think I believed I was trans? No, I don’t think so, although I did do a lot of research on the subject trying to see if that fit with the way I was feeling. Now that I’m older I think I was just a confused, very depressed teenager trying to give a label to the strange things I thought and felt. All I could be really sure about was that I felt different.

It was around this time that I discovered the power that I held in my hands (read “my boobs”) and how I could fulfil my desire for attention and physical contact while keeping everyone at arm’s length. Losing my virginity had been such a deeply shitty experience, one that I did not want to repeat but… boys paid attention to girls that put out. My compromise was getting on my knees for pretty much anyone who asked and politely declining any attempts at reciprocation. Thinking back now I just want to give my younger self a hug, stop myself from travelling down this path towards the open arms of my future abuser. But alas, hindsight is always 20/20.

Anyway! We are getting off topic. My point is I always felt different but could never put my finger on why and filled that gap in knowledge with gender confusion, sex, and abusive assholes. But I got better, I got mentally healthy and ready to return to the real world (thanks in part to the amazing fandoms I was part of, and the brilliant people I connected with in them). That’s the landscape into which this girl walk, watering can in hand, and nourished that dry barren part of my soul and allowed it to blossom. And even though her presence in my life was short lived, I will forever be grateful to her.

So here I was in a new vibrant city, the world at my feet, about to take the first furtive steps into my new sexual awakening… And that’s when I fell in love… With a dude. *face palm*

Now, I don’t mean to imply that was a bad thing, I’m crazy for that man. We’ve been together for two and a half years and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. Which brings me around to the original point of this post.

I never got the chance to full explore my bisexuality, but the door is open now, and it ain’t gonna shut any time soon. So here I stand as I woman who has had very little experience, and no public relationships with women, in a hetero relationship that I don’t plan on ever ending. So people just assume I’m straight and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I’m not straight. I’m not. However, when I go to tell them that I just… Can’t. For some reason I feel like I need evidence to prove that I’m bi, something tangible I can shake in their face to say “Look! Look! I told you I wasn’t straight!”

My partner is also not entirely hetrosexual, though he doesn’t class himself as bisexual. He doesn’t care about labels, he’s just living his goddamn life, other people be damned. But I just don’t seem to be able to let it go.

When I meet LGBTQ+ people I want to scream out to them at the top of my lung “I’m one of you! Take me with you!” but I just can’t.

I don’t feel like I have the right to be openly Bisexual.

Let me explain…

My partner and I lived with a friend for a while who was gay. Out and out, proud as punch gay. He would often make jokey comments about us along the lines of “lol straight people” or “Ugh. Breeders!” All in good humour you see, but nevertheless it got to me. I wanted to say to him “Hey! Dude. I’m not straight, and neither he!” But I’d always just give an awkward smile. How could I say anything to him? How could I say “that upsets me” when I had lived my whole life benefiting from the heteronormative privileges that he didn’t have.

One day after a “breeders, am I right?!” quip I said to him, “You know that’s really offensive” and he came back at me with something along the lines of it being payback for all the awful things straight people had say to him and his. All I could say was “Two wrongs don’t make a right” and screwed the lid on my sexuality down even tighter.

(Side note, him and I are really good friends, both then and now)

Some people do know I’m bi. If I tell anyone it’s normally straight people because with them I feel like less of a fraud. For some reason I feel like they’re less likely to ‘doubt’ me in some way. Which is stupid.

I shouldn’t have to feel like an ‘under qualified’ queer person, intimidated into silence in the presence of other queer people.

And let me be crystal clear here. No one is making me feel with way. I am not being oppressed by anyone. This is all coming from my own internal struggle to align who I am inside with the person I display on the outside. But it is the way I feel nonetheless.

So in conclusion, I don’t have a conclusion. I don’t really know why I made this post. I think I just want to tell someone, anyone, who I really am without the fear of having to look you in the eye while I do it.

If you’ve read this far down, hats off to you! And thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. This was very cathartic.

Pantha <3

#panthatalks #bisexuality #bi girl #im confused #ramble ramble ramble

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missartus · 3 years

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Merry Christmas!

Figured that I should write a post at Christmas, given all the chaos that’s been 2020 lol. Well, for one, Covid’s still here and so it’s still been pretty hard for everyone. Personally, my Christmas obviously changed in a way that it’s more chill this time around. Not that I’m complaining ‘cause this is probably my most preferred way of celebrating the holidays, but I’d rather have a chill Christmas because I wanted it and not because the circumstances forced us to. I didn’t even bother to dress up nor put on some makeup because I was really lazy to do so, and to be honest, the Christmas spirit isn’t really as felt this time around. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this.

Anyway, I didn’t really intend to make a depressing post LOL. It’s the other way around, actually. I’ve been meaning to write something for a few days now but I’ve been lazy. I actually wanted to say that given all the chaos, thankfully I had a couple of things that kept me sane. They’re mostly new hobbies and interests, and some may come off as a shock, even. So here are my life updates so far. A list of things that helped me survive 2020 😌

Baking

It started with a box of pancake mix. A few months back, I was supposed to make some pancakes for an afternoon snack, but then I was kinda tired with eating pancakes that I wondered if there is any other way I can turn that mix into. I eventually ended up with these hard chocolate turnovers lmao. After that, I was suddenly baking almost every week. So far, I’ve baked coffee buns, lemon bars, pandesal!, pound cakes, cookies (ofc), and cinnamon rolls. I’m targeting to go for naked cakes but I am yet to buy an electric mixer. For someone who hates measurements and all, it’s a shock for me to be into baking. But it’s been so therapeutic for me. The kneading of the dough, the whisking, mixing, the rise, the waiting on the oven — so zen. I guess, it’s cause it keeps my mind off of things, and whenever I bake, I’m just so focused on what I’m doing. So it’s like, I’m in my own bubble of productivity for a long while. Also, I’d say it kinda helps with my self-esteem, as baking has allowed me to prove to myself that I can do something delish. Whenever I look at the finished products, I couldn’t believe that I, me, Mich, me, did that! I think that happened when I made pandesals and when I really liked the cinammon rolls. I was like, “Omg, I can’t believe I did this!” Aside from my fam, I’ve sent a few of my pastries to friends as well, and some say that I should start a business already lol. But that’s so far from my mind right now. I mean, I’d want to, in the future. But not sometime soon. I still want to enjoy this season where I’m plainly learning and enjoying the process of baking. I don’t, and am not, prepared for the pressure and hassle of it all yet. 🤪

Workout

I’ve been working out for a few years now but I wasn’t as consistent as how I’ve been the past couple of months. I used to workout every freaking day, but lately it would just be about thrice or four times a week. My past blog posts would give you a hint about my relationship with my body and food. It hasn’t been really nice in general, but working out really does help me improve my mindset towards my body image. Admittedly, I began working out because I wanted to lose weight, but eventually (and thankfully), it transformed into me working out because it makes me strong and it benefits my mental health a lot. I do a variety, although most times I’d do cardio, then I’ll just pair it up with either weights or another round of cardio but dance.

The process has been fun, and I don’t really pressure myself or limit myself when it comes to food. I still eat whatever’s there, but right now it’s all portion control, really. In all fairness, I think because I’ve been working out, my appetite isn’t as huge as it used to be. I get fuller fast these days, and I rarely binge-eat, unless I re-stock on Korean grocery food hahahaha. Anyway speaking of Korean, here’s my last interest update...

BTS

Yup. As in that K-pop boyband. As in Bangtan Sonyeondan. As in that band who’s taking over the world. What a plot twist, right? I’ve never been into K-pop to begin with, so BTS (and eventually, K-pop in general) is probably my biggest musical plot twist so far. I initially was supposed to write a whole separate blog post about this (because that’s how OBSESSED I AM WITH BTS) but I figured that I’ll just include them in this “life update” entry. But for real, it began back in October, when I saw this screenshot of RM’s WeVerse comment/reply to a fan. I’m pasting it here for reference lol.

For some reason, I was really impressed after seeing this. I’ve known the band for a while already. I know how big they are and I even have friends who are huge fans. I’ve seen a couple of their online content in the past as well, but I think it was this image that made me really realize why they’ve been getting so much attention and why their fanbase just keeps on growing. This was the first time that I “got it”, if you know what I mean. Anyway, a bit after that my ARMY friends messaged me and I was immediately swooped into the world of BTS. I don’t regret any of it though haha! I have so much feelings about this topic (lololol) but I’ll try to hold back. Who knows, I might continue with that separate blog post anyway 💁‍♀️ My bias is Namjoon (my goodness, this man is such a dream), while my bias wrecker is Jimin. Although I think my bias wrecker changes everyday now lmao. 😂 I’ll say this though, it wasn’t their pretty faces that got me. If anything, I think that really comes as secondary, because what made me an Army was their talent, their story, and their character. These boys are really men of substance, and their songs and advocacy can attest to how principled they are. Their songs have also helped me so much as I am still in the process of improving myself, my mental health, and all these introspective things. I remember this one time where I bawled my eyes out when I was reading through the English translation of Answer: Love Myself. In a year when I almost lost myself again due to how depressing this year was, it feels good to root for something, or in this case, someone, and see them flourish in success. They really started at the bottom, and I guess in a way their story also inspires me to keep on doing what I’m doing, knowing that someday, everything will make sense and I’ll finally make it.

BTS also led me to listen to other K-pop acts as well such as Day6 (another fave!), Monsta X, Shinee, IU, Henry, and BlackPink (very recently hahaha) Ok, I’ll stop right there. 😬 Funny how I just cannot get the K-pop hype for so many years, and now I’m genuinely enjoying it. It’s become my go-to work soundtrip also as I don’t get carried away by singing along to the lyrics as, ofc, it’s in a different language lol.

Plants

I remember last year when my colleagues at work gave me this plant and they assured me that it won’t die but it did. It kinda made me think that I don’t have a green thumb and that I can never maintain a plant. But guess what, I have about 7 plants now and THEY’RE ALL THRIVING SO WELL. I’m so invested in these plant babies and I’m so proud of myself that they’re all so alive and doing well. There were some scares, I admit. Like this one time when I attempted to re-pot my Syngonium Arrowhead and it almost died lol but I re-did it and thankfully it resurrected hahahahaha. Again, just like what I said about BTS and my baking, my plants are also testament to how it feels nice to root for (no pun intended) something and see them thrive, and how it feels so satisfying and reassuring to see something that I’ve been taking care of live healthy and happy.

So yeah, there’s that.

Those are what my life has been circling around these days. As I’ve said, I’m very grateful that I got into these things, little as they may seem as compared to others. But hey, they make me happy, and I think at this point in time, as long as something makes you happy and sane, that’s all that matters. You do you, girl. Wow, I can’t believe that I wrote this long. It’s been a while since I did! Anyway, I’m gonna end this here now as it’s getting late and I still have stuff to do.

Merry Christmas!

#rantsandjoys

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madzilla84 · 4 years

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update

Did anyone ask for one? No. Does anyone want it? Probably not … I guess there’s still some small part of me that misses having a Livejournal.

In general, things have been - better. I started going outside a bit more from late-ish July, but honestly I don’t know if I started feeling better because I started going out, or if I started going out because I was feeling better…? A mystery. But mood tracking app - surely a reliable source of mental health info lmao - seems to agree:

(woohoo, only ‘significant burden’! i think that’s about the best you could hope for in 2020. and this was a few weeks ago, and I feel better now than I did then, so.)

I’ve been off work for the last 3 weeks - nothing wrong, just 2 weeks of scheduled annual leave, which I needed very much (I think part of why I was feeling bad was because I hadn’t had a break since February), and last week I had a week of jury duty. The break was much needed and I can feel the difference.

I started exercising again in July, and ugggggggh ok fine I admit I do feel better because of it. I’m never gonna be a gym bunny, I’ll probably never *love* it but I can’t deny the benefits. I go 3 times a week which is enough for me. (Though I only went twice last week and this week - last week I was pretty wrecked after court each day and this week I am focussing on being lazy.) Going outside again was strange at first, like the previous 4 months hadn’t happened, but it didn’t take long to feel (mostly) normal again.

I’ve also had a couple of social things, which has been nice - one lunch out at an outdoor restaurant, and one bbq at a friend’s house. (She moved in recently at the end of my street; while I was sitting in her living room I could look out of the window at my own flat. Weird!) I’ve been thinking a lot about Dan’s tweet about who he realised he wants in his life after lockdown, and it’s just. Interesting.

I’m DELIGHTED it’s September and the start of the best months, the -embers and -obers; it’s still pretty warm and mostly sunny here but it’s really nice, the bite’s gone out of the warmth. Not long now until it Gs the FO entirely. \o/ I’m still playing Animal Crossing every day, (unlike some people, smh poor abandoned Pickle).

Jury duty last week was fascinating. I didn’t even know if I’d get picked - they call more than twice as many people as they need in case anyone can’t do it for whatever reason (if one of the lawyers is a family friend or something), but I did end up being chosen. (No. 12!!) We were the first post-covid jury, and the first socially distanced one.

I *can* talk about the case now it’s over, but I don’t think I will, because the subject matter could be pretty triggering, but it was often a tough week given the nature of it. Having said that, something about it was very satisfying. It was fascinating to see how the courts and lawyers worked, and the whole process, and it was good to work with the other jurors. (Days on end of talking to actual humans was actually pretty good, for the most part.) We were all just thrown together, and we had differences of opinion of course, but it was still a good experience to work with them. It felt good to be part of something like that, something that mattered, and to feel like a part of the community in such a real way. I can be quite good at putting aside emotion to look at the letter of the law, which in a case like this can be very challenging; some of the other jurors struggled with it a great deal. (This isn’t to blow my own trumpet or anything; many would argue it was *me* who had the problem, in much the same way they often say lawyers are heartless, which isn’t true most of the time)

The case ended up being dismissed as the jury couldn’t reach a consensus - we got slated on social media (which of course I didn’t look at during the case, I caught up after), but we all stuck to our convictions and I know it was right; there’s a lot the public didn’t know or understand. As tough a case as it was, I’m glad I got to do it, it was a privilege in many ways. (But, I wouldn’t mind if it was a long time until I had to do it again, you know? lol.)

We had our phones taken from 9-5 while we were working - it’s the law - and I thought it was gonna be the worst after being glued to it constantly, but it was actually quite nice lmao. Not that I didn’t end up glued to it again once the case was over.

Fandom-wise, I have - finally - ended up taking a step back from the phandom a little bit in the last month or two. I want to talk about that a bit because it’s a complicated topic, and I see a lot of concerning posts - mainly on Twitter - that if you don’t maintain a certain level of dedication, if you join another fandom or get into something else or aren’t sufficiently devoted and supportive you - aren’t a true fan? Or something? Lots of posts along the lines of, ‘all these people getting into kpop/tv show/whatever, smh, don’t think we won’t remember when dan’s project drops and you all come running back’. It’s just a bit - weird? Like, it’s *perfectly normal* if people get into other stuff while dnp are cooking whatever they’re cooking (or not cooking, or whatever)? Or just move on, but still enjoy D&P?

I’m not, like, dramatically leaving the fandom or anything. Hell, I haven’t *left* the fandom at all, I’m still here every day, it’s - more of a mental shift. Because prior to July/August-ish this year I really wasn’t in a good place with it. I wrote a thing earlier this year about struggling with writing, and belonging while not being a content creator, and other things … the issue is that, as I tend to do with my fandoms, I get too overinvested. And sometimes, that’s okay - whatever gets you through the night and all that - but in this case, I wasn’t enjoying it any more. Some parts I was - I’ve made the best friends I’ve ever had in a fandom here, and I really like seeing everyone on here - but in general, I was spending a lot of my time feeling anxious, resentful, worried, angry and frustrated. I spent a lot of last year and almost all of this one waiting for Godot; hating the “new normal” and desperately waiting for - something that’s never going to come. I just couldn’t deal with it; probably for reasons bigger than just D&P but that’s how it manifested. I got more and more frustrated by the content we were getting because it wasn’t what I’d hoped, and I hated feeling like that. It took up way too much of my thoughts and every day was just waiting, and wondering, and worrying. And I got so, so sick of it.

So, where am I now? Well, it was inevitable really, but I just started to - let go, a bit. I didn’t throw my hands up and go, ’bah, screw these guys!’, my mental focus just shifted (for my own good), and I started focussing on other things. Other fandoms. Games and hobbies I can distract myself with. I’ll admit it wouldn’t necessarily have been my *choice*, you know? But reality is what it is and I’m - relieved, really, that I’m not unnecessarily tormenting myself about it any more. It took me a long time to reach this place - too long, really - and, for now at least, it’s kind of nice. I can just enjoy things if/when they pop up without the accompanying sadness and anger about how everything is changed, about what has ended and what I’ve “lost”. (And it’s not 100%, by the way; it’s still there, just - quiet, now.) I can look at, I dunno, someone’s gifs of Dan or whatever, and just smile about it rather than feeling that grief. (Or, feel it, but not to the exclusion of everything else.) It’s - nicer.

And it isn’t at *all* that I don’t care any more, I still love them, of course I do, and will continue to follow them and watch everything they do. I’m not going anywhere. I still have notifs on, though they don’t quite send my heart into my throat like they did. ;) In a way it’s helping me love them more, because now when I watch them I enjoy it more, appreciating the fun and the bants without laser-focussing on my own anger and sadness. I’m still attending our little daily phannie watch-alongs, where we watch a couple of eps of DAPG and an anime. I’m still on phandom tumblr/twitter on the daily. It just - has a slightly smaller portion of my brain and mental energy now.

It was a step I needed to take, but also one I’m not sure I could have *chosen* to take, not without deliberately leaving and cutting it all off completely? And I didn’t want to do that. I’d hoped I’d get to this place earlier than this - some 20 months after the fact - but better late than never, I suppose.

(Also, disclaimer - fandom and the human heart are funny things, and I fully accept I can and probably will be sucked completely back in at any time.)

Anyway! SEE YOU AT THE QUIZ :D

#mad.txt #tw covid #personal

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

Text

How have you been feeling lately? Have you been doing ok? Ehhh, ya know how it is.

Are you currently in quarantine? I mean, places have started to open up again and so many people are out living life like nothing and I’m just like....what. Towards the end of last month was the first time I left the house in 3 months and I haven’t left since, almost a month later. I’m definitely still quarantining. We’re still very much in the thick of this thing, it hasn’t gone anywhere and won’t for a long time. Don’t let the fact that places are opening up again fool you.

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? I absolutely would if I ever went anywhere. And actually, masks are mandatory in California.

Does your state require people to wear masks in stores? ^^^^

Do you know anyone who’s had the coronavirus? A family friend had it a few months ago. She thankfully is fine.

What was the last sweet treat you ate? A couple spoonfuls of frosting lmao. That’s been my go-to treat lately.

Was it a nice day out today? It’s supposed to be 100F today...

Is the weather nice where you live usually? Uh, most people would probably say that because most like warm, sunny weather. I’m not one of those people.

What was the last thing you ordered online? A book.

Are you expecting a package right now? Aforementioned book.

Have you ever ordered anything from Wish? If so, what did you buy, and did you feel it was worth it? Nope.

Are you a youtuber? If so, are you consistent with uploads? and how many subscribers do you have? Noooo.

What is one thing you hate about summer? The heat!

Did you go outside today? It’s only 6:30AM, but no I won’t be going outside today.

What is the name of your youtube channel, if you have one? I have a YouTube account so I can subscribe and leave comments if I wish, but I don’t make videos.

What was the name of the last store or restaurant that overcharged you? Hmm. I don’t recall.

Is your room more often messy or clean? It’s a little disorganized at the moment. :/

Who is someone you miss? Loved ones who have passed away.

What is something you miss? I want to go to the beach and to the movies again.

Do you feel like your emotions are often haywire? Yes.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? Yes.

Have you ever been “diagnosed” with a mental illness from an online friend? who is not a doctor? If yes, isn’t that frustrating? No, I haven’t.

Do you have any friends that you can trust and tell everything to? Like I always say, you guys honestly know the most.

What was the name of your favorite roommate you’ve had? I’ve never had a roommate.

Do you have a favorite book that you’ve read multiple times? I’ve never reread a book, actually. I’ve talked about this before, but I just can’t do that for some reason. I can rewatch movies and TV shows, but not reread a book. I guess with the first two it doesn’t require my attention. If it’s something I’ve seen, I don’t have to pay as close attention to it. I can kind of tune in and out or have it on in the background. With a book, that requires your attention. And if I’ve already read it, I know what happens, and I guess it doesn’t hold my attention the same way? Or it’s harder to hold my attention, I guess. But then TV shows and movies, I do like rewatching because I discover things I didn’t the first time and things make sense that didn’t before, ya know? I’m sure that would happen with books, too, so I don’t knowww. It’s hard to explain, man.

What’s one book or book series that you’ve read multiple times?

What was the name of the funniest kid you’ve ever babysat? I’ve only babysat my younger brother and a couple of my cousins when they were kids.

Do you enjoy babysitting? No.

Do you have any big regrets? Yep, plenty.

Are there things about your past that bother you? A lot of things.

What was the last thing you saw or read on social media that made you angry? There’s a lot to be angry about right now.

Do you often post about controversial topics on facebook? Nooo. I really never do.

Do you think it’s a good idea to post about serious topics on social media? or do you think that it’s better to discuss serious topics in person? There’s a lot of benefits to doing that. Like, you’re able to reach a larger audience and spread information quicker. For some it’s easier to discuss things like that in that way instead of verbally or in person. There’s drawbacks, too. Misinformation is often easily spread. Things get misconstrued and interpreted wrong. Tone doesn’t come across the same. And some things shouldn’t be aired out for all to see and should be discussed in private. It really just depends.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.

Have you ever failed a class and had to repeat it? I had to retake a math course once while at community college.

What class in school did you hate the most? M a t h.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? Yeah, when I was a kid. I loved playing school.

What’s one childhood dream that has stuck with you, and one that has not? Hmm. Well, I definitely no longer want to be a teacher.

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? Absolutely. Take me baaaack.

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? I really miss being a kid. This adult thing sucks.

At what age were you when you started to feel like you were mature enough to offer others advice? I wasn’t at all qualified to be giving advice when I was like 12, but there I was. I actually spent a lot of time on the AOL kid and teen message boards and there was a section to discuss things like mental health and struggles people were going through. I used to comment on those posts and chat with people giving out advice that I somehow had at that age. Or I guess thought I had. People came to me advice. My friends always did, too. I was the go-to friend for advice or to just lend an ear.

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? My dad enjoys his beer, and every once in awhile something stronger, but that’s it. My mom will have a drink or two every once in a great while.

Do you enjoy bonfires? Yesss.

Have you ever stepped on a sparkler? No.

What, do you know of, are you allergic to? Tangerines. Super random, I know.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? Yes.

What is your favorite version of the Bible to read, if applicable? NIV.

Do you follow trends? or are you a trendsetter? I’m no trendsetter. I’m not much of a trend follower, either. I just like what I like and do what I want.

Has anyone ever described you as a trendsetter? No.

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold? List three people you’ve known whom this has happened to. I feel like I kind of have these past few years. :X I’m not a heartless, non-loving person, but I just feel like I’ve been hardened. I’m guarded. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m so irritable and moody all the time. I’ve pushed everyone away. I’ve been distant and withdrawn and closed off. I feel I’ve been very selfish, too. I haven’t been there for others like I used to be and should be. I’m not social. So yeah, in those ways I do feel like I’ve turned cold.

What SAT subjects, if any, did you get a perfect score in? I never took the SATs.

What were your best subjects in school? and what was your favorite subject in school? English.

Have you ever been abused by a parent or legal guardian? No.

Do you have a lot of wounds from your past? Yes.

Has anyone ever called you a jerk? I’m sure my former friends had a lot of choice words for me.

Are you a jerk? I don’t think I’m a jerk. But for the reasons I listed a few questions up I don’t feel I’ve been very nice.

What color were your bedroom walls in high school? My walls have always been white.

Is there a girl or guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? Yes, Ty. :/

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? I miss them, but reconnecting now wouldn’t be right. I’m still not in the place to do so. I can’t give the attention and focus and energy to that right now.

Who has hurt you the most? Myself.

Have you been bullied? No. The only person who has been mean to me and put me down is myself.

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for? and have you auditioned for one? I have no talent.

Do you know anyone who’s auditioned for American Idol? Nope.

Is there someone you think should audition that hasn’t yet? No.

What time of day do you usually feel your best? I haven’t felt my best in a very long time, but I like the time of day when I have my first cup of coffee and in the middle of the night when I’m doing surveys and listening to ASMR.

What’s one way in which you’ve changed within the last ten years? Oh, man. I’ve changed a lot and not in a good way.

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? It’s weird. In the moment, day by day, it feels super slow. Some days it literally feels like the time froze or is moving extra slowly. But then before I know it, another week has gone by. Another month. Another year. Like, we’re already almost done with June and it feels like it just started. The past few months have felt that way to me. But then at the same time 2020 has felt like 84 years???

Who do you know who has died of cancer? No one, thankfully.

Has there been cancer in your family? Yes.

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? Yeah. I’ve had to stay months in the hospital after surgical procedures.

Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No.

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? Uh, no. I’m angry with you, so I’m gonna sue! lol.

Have you ever been a victim of racism? I’ve never felt that, no.

Have you ever deleted a friend on facebook for making racist comments? No, I haven’t had anyone on my Facebook make such comments.

What was the last thing you ate? Ramen. Surprise, surprise.

What was the theme of your senior prom? I actually don’t remember.

Did you go to prom? I did.

Have ever been engaged or married? Nope.

Are you an aunt or uncle? No.

Do you live to glorify God and to do His will? Yes.

Are you happy with the way you are living your life day-to-day right now? Absolutely not.

Do you feel like your life was better or worse six years ago? Wow, 2014. It was so different. I was in college and I wasn’t dealing with some of the health stuff I’m dealing with now. I’ve always struggled with depression, but I wasn’t in the low place then that I’ve been in the last few years. I actually had friends back then, too. I didn’t let myself go and neglect myself at that time.

Have you ever made a huge, catastrophic mistake? It sure feels that way to me.

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? My basic needs, such as food, water, shelter, and clothing, are met. I’m very fortunate in that way.

Do you hate social injustice? >> Nah, I love it. It’s just great. It’s the best thing ever– <<< Right?? What a dumb question.

Are you happy with the current social class you are in? Like I said, I have food and clothing and a roof over my head. I have the necessities. I also am able to have a lot of things that I don’t necessarily need, but just want and enjoy. That’s not to say that my family and I don’t have financial stressors, but we’re doing fine.

Life isn’t fair. True or false? It’s not always what we think of as fair. It’s also subjective. What’s fair or unfair to one, isn’t to another.

Do you hate that life is so unfair? There are definitely a lot of things that I don’t feel are fair and yeah, it sucks.

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. I don’t really know anyone like that, personally.

Who do you go to when you’re upset? No one, usually.

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? Five years ago I didn’t pray at all.

Do you pray a lot? No. :/ That’s something I really want to work on.

Do you frequently have back pain? Yes, I have chronic pain.

What’s the worst side effect you’ve experienced for a medication? and what’s the worst withdrawal effect you’ve experienced from a medicine? I haven’t liked the way the anti-depressants I’ve tried made me feel. I also didn’t feel they were working, so it wasn’t worth it to me to continue taking them. Perhaps I just didn’t find the right one for me, but I’ve been afraid about trying more. I also worry about getting on and then eventually getting off them. I’ve heard about withdraw side effects like brain zaps and that doesn’t sound pleasant. I was fortunate that I hadn’t experienced that from the ones I was on. On another note, I have been on vicodin for several years for pain management and that would definitely cause ugly withdrawal symptoms.

Have you ever used an epi pen? No.

What’s a name that you like but probably wouldn’t use for one of your kids? I don’t even plan on having kids, so.

What’s you name, and do you like it? Stephanie. Yeah, it suits me fine.

Would you prefer to give your kids common names or unique names?

Do you feel like anybody values you in the way that you deserve? I don’t value myself, so I don’t feel I deserve to be valued.

Who have you felt the most valued by? I know my family does.

Have you ever been treated like you were inferior? Yes.

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? If there was one, I didn’t know. High school for me wasn’t at all like how it’s portrayed in movies. There wasn’t the snobby popular girl or clique that walked around campus and owned the school. There were popular kids, sure, but it wasn’t like that. And there also wasn’t the big bully who went around stuffing kids in trash cans or lockers or knocking their books down or something. I can’t say no one was bullied, but again it wasn’t like how it’s shown in movies and TV shows.

Do you ever sleep outside? No.

How many siblings do you have? Two.

Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? I’m the middle kid.

How many kids do you want to have? Zero.

Do you want to get married? No.

Best date you’ve been on? Coffee shop and bookstore dates with Ty.

Dream date? Beach/boardwalk and Disneyland.

Ever kissed someone on New Year’s? Nope.

Have you ever had an experience so good you felt like you were flying? When I had too much of an edible.

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? Yes.

What brings you the most joy? My doggo.

What is your passion; what is it that would bring you the most joy and fulfillment in life? I don’t know.

Have you ever laid your dreams aside because someone else wanted you to? No.

Who supports you in everything you do? My family.

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? No one. The only thing that has stopped me and got in my way is me. And my health.

Do you believe in following your heart, in going after your dreams? Yes. If you have dreams and a passion, you absolutely should go after them.

Do you wish other people would want you to be happy? Other people do want me to be happy. It’s my brain that doesn’t.

Do you wish you had someone who loved and supported you? I do.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 4 years

Note

Hey there! :) This is for the OC Ask Game, for Harrison: could you answer questions 1-6, 14 &15? Hope you're doing well!

Oh let’s just expose Harrison *cracks knuckles*

1: List five basic facts about your OC.

He’s turning 22 (just shy of his birthday in Moth Work)

He’s gay as fuuuuuh

He’s from Brooklyn, NY

He’s an only child

If you come for his jacket, he’ll come for your life (a very basic fact)

2: Post a line of dialogue from your OC.

This is dialogue from book 3 that I still can’t get over (for context, Reeve is criticizing Harrison’s choice of Walmart as a gourmet pie shop back when Walmart used to be a big thing in my books lmaooo):

Reeve: “So your gourmet pie shop is Walmart?”

Harrison: “Why yes, actually… Do you have a problem with saving money and living better?”

lmfaoooo

Also an iconic interaction from Moth Work:

Lonan: “You’re patronizing me.”

Harrison: “You’re patronizing yourself.”

3: Post a snippet from your writing that describes your OC.

So this is the first ever description of Harrison from book 1 (I had just turned thirteen when I wrote this):

There’s a faint click somewhere to my right and a soft glow soon illuminatesthe room, shattering the darkness into pieces. I shake off the fact that Ican’t see where the light is coming from, instead pointing the still loaded gunat the first thing I see, a boy who looks a bit older than me with what I makeout to be honey blond hair and the most pissed off expression on his face.

(fun fact I really wrestled with describing the colour of Harrison’s hair at the time and probably changed “honey blonde” from “honey brown” like 5000 times, 13-year-old me had BEEF with his hair colour)

4: Post a snippet from your writing in which another OC describes your OC.

This is a very old description I scavenged to find from book 6 where Reeve vaguely describes Harrison in the first paragraph which is one way to go about it:

Beside me is wood smoke and copper, leather and strong coffee, all strung around human flesh. He moves with precision, like a player focused on a riveting chess match…

And here’s the most recent paragraph (and the last paragraph in Lonan’s POV) of Lonan describing Harrison when they meet up for the first time after brief hiatus (I haven’t shared this yet, so for context, Suzanna is Harrison’s mother):

In the kitchen, Suzanna laughs at Eliza’s joke, something vaguely about Geminis, or maybe she says alibis. He doesn’t quite hear it. He doesn’t mean to drop the rose, but it falls with a muffled thump between them, a floral border. Lonan blinks many times. He breathes many times. He counts many times. But after all the tests—the blinking, the breathing, the counting, the person at the door doesn’t change. Sunshine hair. Concerned mouth. Semi-crooked nose. Butterfly lashes. Eyes the colour of a kingfisher.

5: Describe your OC’s physical appearance.

Harrison’s the cutest guy in town, so cute he managed to convince @sarahkelsiwrites to get me to write book one! Without Harrison’s cuteness, this 8 book series/monstrosity would not exist! As I’ve said, Harrison’s a cutie and should definitely be treated as such (the downfall of Moth Work loool). He’s shorter than Lonan by just a bit tho I really can’t think of how tall my characters are because I am apparently short and can’t imagine anyone a foot taller than me, so all you need to know is he’s tall but still shorter than Lonan lol. He looks a lot like his Portuguese mother and takes on both her “semi-crooked nose, the same mouth, straight and concerned, the same markabove the eyebrow he always thought came from some sort of accident. Eventhough her eyes are brown and his are clearish and teal, it’s like he has hereyes too—soft and rimmed with lashes like butterfly wings” according to Lonan lool. He wears Lonan’s fake mom’s earring which is a pretty dangly blue gem. Though Harrison could look like anything and all he’d need to be Harrison is his leather jacket. In the book cover I designed, Lonan’s wearing it (ROOD) as he unknowingly takes it in chapter 6, but besides that one time, his jacket never comes off! He also wears his mother’s guardian angel necklace which is a newer edition, though a well-liked one as I always pictured him wearing a chain of some sorts! It’s important to note that when I was thirteen, the only way I’d describe Harrison’s eyes were as “burning turquoise” loool.

Here’s how I drew him for the book cover (though I couldn’t really get his eyes right are they burning turquoise-y enough??):

6: Describe your OC’s love life.

Messy! Harrison’s gone through a lot as a hopeless romantic, and has been lead to much heartbreak because of it. If he loves someone, he really loves someone, and this is very much seen in his feelings toward Lonan. Since we’re spilling the tea on Harrison, here’s his relationship with Lonan throughout the books + as Nothing But Thieves songs (because we’re going THERE):

Book 2

When the boys actually meet! Lonan didn’t exist in book 1 and I think Harrison’s sanity benefitted from this but anyway

They’re coworkers (back when this book was a dystopia lmao, Harrison took an open job as a tech analyst in Lonan’s government squad which was his pride and joy and I have since of course axed it)

They don’t like each other but can’t get enough of being enemies if u know what I mean

NBT song: Last Orders

Book 3

This “love being your enemy” thing continues even when Lonan makes his redemption arc and he’s no longer an enemy lmaoo

We get to see their actual friendship develop toward the ¾ mark of the book

“Clearly these people care about each other” kind of vibe!

NBT song: Wake Up Call

Book 4

We see a new level of closeness develop between the boys, and though we’re in Reeve’s head, she def senses some tension mwahaha

NBT song: Afterlife

Book 5

Harrison really steps in as not only a friend for Lonan in this book, but a body of support while his mental health goes through it

NBT song: Reset Me

Book 6

They’re both mad at each other for almost this entire book but this gives us more of that tension we WANT

Reeve really notices this tea develop and she be sippin it the whole book

Toward the midpoint there’s definitely explicit suggestion of their relationship (Reeve can’t fully see this as she’s mostly concerned about herself but there’s definitely an ongoing relationship in this book that’s pretty turbulent):

NBT song: You Know Me Too Well

Moth Work

This relationship sees a lot of bad times

It ain’t a healthy relationship by any means and things start falling apart! Both boys have things they have to work out, that are currently causing lots of conflict!

The TEA I have not shared yet is that I *plan* for them to split up by the end of this book (though they never were really together in this book so it’s not really a breakup lol). Harrison moves to Brooklyn with his mom and Lonan stays in Vegas with Eliza (do with that what you will!!)

NBT song: Hostage (for Harrison) and Take This Lonely Heart (for Lonan)

14: What is one of your OC’s secrets?

That he likes waffles better than he like Lonan? Scandle! Harrison had an affinity for waffles in book one. Here are receipts:

A scene from book 3 (2015) that features a lot of iconic content (Harrison’s waffle kink, Foster being prime-time soft boi, grumpy Lonan, narrated by Reeve who manages to not inject her opinion once, my classic 2015 “witty” YA dialogue):

“Ah, well… your sister [the youngest, not Reeve lol] was talking about people, and how being mean is the only way that they listen… She may or may not have had a run-in with Harrison earlier, which is why the topic was brought up…” From next to him, Ris grunts over his steaming waffles, a full mouth when he turns his face toward Lonan who’s got the same laptop in front of his face, furiously tapping at the keyboard as he concentrates.

Harrison actually reaches over and slams the lid shut.

“Hey asshole,” he says around his mouthful of waffle. “Put the fucking technology away, and be a little social.” Lonan’s dead silent on the receiving end, and when I look closer at him, I realize it’s because his fists are tightly clenched and a vein in his forehead’s bulging.

“That was three full days of work that you might’ve completely ruined!” Lonan hisses, eyes wide and angry as he stares at Harrison who’s scowling around his breakfast.

“Anyway…” Foster continues awkwardly. “Basically, helping people is sometimes–” He’s cut off as a giant waffle is smothered up to his face, Harrison holding it out tauntingly. “What the hell are you doing?”

“You know you want the waffle… Waffles…”

Also to the waitress while he and Reeve bond at a diner:

“Thank you.” Harrison says with a wide smile, staring at the waffles like they’re the love of his life. “Oh my fucking god.” He mumbles, and I assume that I’m not meant to here that.

15: Your OC is given the chance to go back in time. Where do they go and what do they do?

I think there are a lot of things he’d like to change in his past, namely his relationship with his mother who he’s estranged from until the end of Moth Work. I think he would’ve liked to see her more in his teens (despite being a hard ass when she does show up in Moth Work). He’d go back to Brooklyn and like chill in a pizzeria with his mom lol. On a lighter note, I think he’d also like, join ABBA or something.

Thanks for asking!

#writing #amwriting #fostered #asks

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herotheshiro · 2 years

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sigh... i’m sorry but another personal, not-a-review, not-about-any-specific-fandom-in-particular post. i have a couple other blogs but i feel like this blog is the one that would fit this rant/offload the best. topic: being an artist online

so actually what kicked off my thoughts today was remembering the drama w n/ozmo and reading up on it again... i mean it’s a shitty situation for everyone involved but this post isn’t abt that situation. what i’m thinking abt is that even though n/ozmo got all this dirt smeared on them, they’re still relatively thriving bc they have a p decent artstyle... i’m saying “decent” bc even though their style isn’t among my favorites, it’s not bad objectively. also bc i just saw some old t/apv panels and i was like wow. they have definitely improved a ton compared to their current work lol.

i’m not surprised they’re decently popular on the jpn side of the internet bc i think their style is really unique esp among jpn artists (i.e. i don’t really see much art like theirs when looking at jpn accounts/pixiv’s for fandom/original content) and n/ozmo is also decent at storytelling if my memories of how i felt abt t/apv are indeed correct (i stopped following it years ago and i think it’s basically discontinued rn) so combine that and ppl will like your work. and it made me think abt how much of a benefit having good art ability can have in online creative/fandom spaces. (note: i’m not including ppl who actually draw professionally/have actual art jobs and had fandom drama happen to them. i’m thinking more of hobbyists. although i guess technically n/ozmo falls within the 1st category, i think they’re a freelancer iirc?)

recently i’ve been thinking abt how my art isn’t really in a place i want it. i’ve gotten decent engagement on twitter -- by no means am i scoffing at 60-200+ likes which is PRETTY GOOD for a small potatoes account like me lol -- but i just can’t help but think if only my coloring was better, if my style was more unique/fleshed out, i could get even higher numbers. obviously that’s the trap of social media and i know that numbers shouldn’t mean anything in terms of how i view my own art but idk. i think recently i’ve gotten that engagement and am just thinking to myself “...so what’s the point? of doing this fandom stuff?”

tbh i’m at a point w fandom that i don’t really want to interact w anyone on headcanons or discussing story or whatever (v lucky to have a sibling who’s also a weeb bc i can just discuss w them instead) so it’s not really like i’m getting social cred out of it. i think it’s moreso bc i’m starting to really burn out on my current fandom that i’ve been in for almost 2 full years, when historically i tend to only stick around in fandoms for abt 1 year. i’m not in school anymore and applying to jobs is just solidifying that feeling of uselessness for me... just wondering what i want to do w my art, w fandom. my recent thought was that i just want to post ship content that i haven’t seen before, but also i’m still somewhat triggered by ship stuff for this specific fandom so that’s also why i’ve been pondering my future on it (for the sake of my mental health). my bandaid solution for now is to try to wean off of being on twitter so much but then i feel like i move to scrolling aimlessly on tumblr instead so like. technically it’s better since i see way less of that specific fandom on here unless i specifically search for it, but i mean. not really deriving any joy from being on here tbh

but anyway yeah reading the n/ozmo stuff made me feel a bit sad thinking abt how my style isn’t really good enough i feel. i mean obviously i’m still working it out, i just recently got back into digital art basically last year after literal years of not using my tablet so of course stuff is still gonna be a little wonky but. just makes me consider that maybe i’ll never be “good enough” in art or storytelling for it to make an impact on someone. like ppl just look at my art and is like “oh cute/[some other simple positive compliment]” and then forget abt it. i’ve also been comparing myself to other fanartists more recently and i can feel it taking a toll on how i draw/feel when i’m drawing. although tbh i really do need to try to practice coloring/shading more... most of my wips/unfinished works i just stop at the lineart stage so it’s no wonder my coloring has stayed mediocre all this time lmao.

but anyway yeah i want to just finish this one general, non-ship fanart and then take an indefinite break from twitter, try to finish some pieces on my own (i.e. w/o seeing other ppl’s work). i have some wip’s for this fandom i’d like to finish fr bc i like the concept/idea but yeah i think being online just de-motivates me sometimes/most of the time. the other thing is that i’ve also been working on improving my self-esteem in therapy so i’d also like to try to finish pieces and be satisfied w them on my own terms without comparison or continuous concern abt reception

#sigh #not gonna be sharing my art accounts bc i'm not trying to fish for comments or anything #you can just imagine that my art is either good or bad based on your own tastes #the likes statistic i gave literally means nothing if you know what i mean #i could either be doing shitposts or insanely rendered art w those numbers #personal

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thedivinefish · 3 years

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TGIWednesday and a download for peaceful sibling energy

TGIWednesday News

In keeping with the family theme for the month we’re going to address siblings, brother, sister, step family what have you. Now whether your sibling is your best friend or sworn mortal enemy LOL, it is essential if you’re reading this for you to do the prayer work to maintain goodness or resolve disputes between one another. My brother was gorgeous; think of Tom Cruise only taller, but as a flashy Capricorn to my laid back Leo we were oil and water and that’s putting it mildly! Weeks before his passing it felt like we were at war with each other and it took me a good year after he crossed over to forgive myself for such stupidity. So if you’re on good terms with your sibling, excellent, enjoy them all you can. If not, utilize My Liquid Fish Change made simple to dissolve any grievances or misunderstandings because it’s just as important for you as it is for them to find common ground and to be at peace. Join us for our monthly Zoom event tonight where we’ll be clearing any and all Family issues from your past or current situation! If you can’t join us LIVE tonight, get it anyway and watch/listen/experience the replay which will be just as powerful as the original!

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~ PEACEFUL SIBLING ENERGY ~ I believe, think, know and feel what it’s like to be at peace with my siblings. I am ready, willing and able to release any hurt or heartache I may have cause them or they me. I know, when, where how and why to reach common ground even if it’s only through the ethers, mentally or spiritually. I am asking for continued peace and on going understanding in all languages and throughout all time lines and so it is!

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Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

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For those who aren't familiar, below is a list of the 30+ audios in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.

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TGIFunny

Forward

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations! Access the My Liquid Fish™ Starter Kit (*Updated December 2020) Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life! Get Certified in My Liquid Fish™Change Made Simple™ Watch Free Videos on YouTube Radio Show Archives Shop for Supplements http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved

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divinefishingtips · 3 years

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TGIWednesday and a download for peaceful sibling energy

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

Final Days for MBW Destiny Discount