[CN] Shaw’s S2 R&S - What is known as amazing the world

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for a Rumours & Secrets, 所谓一鸣惊人, which has not been released in EN! 🍒

This R&S features S2 Shaw, but no knowledge of S2 is required to enjoy this~

In terms of sequencing, this is Shaw’s third S2 R&S!

[ Chapter One ]

When mentioning the tutor of the Archaeology Department in Loveland University, Professor Shen deserves greatest respect. Precisely because of the high academic requirements, he had not recruited graduate students in recent years. However, he didn't find anything wrong with this. He occasionally taught undergraduates, then immersed himself in his own academic research. His days followed a pretty regular pattern.

During such an ordinary time, Professor Shen met Shaw for the first time.

The day he interviewed Shaw was also the warmest afternoon in the late spring of Loveland City. The sycamore trees on both sides of the road were working hard to produce new buds. Professor Shen carried a pile of materials, walking across the sunny open space to the building where the graduate students were sitting for the second round of examinations.

So far, he had re-examined five students. Their performances were very mediocre, and there was still quite a lot of distance from his expectations. However, the student to be re-examined later was slightly different. The materials showed that he was directly recommended to him by Loveland University. Based on his age, he should be a young student. Amidst the twenty-five, twenty-six, and even older re-examinees, he had subconsciously left an impression on Professor Shen.

After dusting off the sycamore puffs that had fallen on his shoulders, Professor Shen entered the classroom. Before long, what accompanied the hands of the clock reaching 2pm were two beeps at the door of the classroom.

"Hello teacher, my name's Shaw.”

Hearing this, Professor Shen lifted his head. The boy at the door was indeed very young, but his flamboyant bluish purple short hair, incomparably avant-garde clothes, and flat expression without much of a smile rendered Professor Shen stunned for a second or two. But he quickly smoothened his expression, warmly beckoning Shaw to enter.

The student named Shaw wasn’t reserved at all. He sat down naturally on the chair in the middle, placing a black schoolbag casually at his feet.

Whether he was making judgments based on appearances or was no longer holding much hope, at that moment, Professor Shen thought that this was another interview where he would simply go through the motions. He raised some standard questions. Unexpectedly, Shaw actually answered them decently. Professor Shen's spirits gradually rose.

"What you wrote about in your undergraduate thesis was..." Professor Shen flipped through the materials in his hands. Just as he found the information, a clear voice sounded fluently. "《A Statistical Analysis of the Age and Gender of Human Skeletons Unearthed in Xushan》. It includes the basic condition of the unearthed human bones, any damage, pathological changes, as well as an analysis of the population and health of that period.”

"Does this mean you’re interested in physical anthropology?" Professor Shen pushed the glasses on the bridge of his nose, staring at Shaw with interest. "In that case, why did you apply to be my graduate student?" He needed to know that Professor Shen’s research direction was mainly on the appreciation of ancient appliances and field archaeology.

Faced with Professor Shen's sharp and intense gaze, Shaw didn’t panic at all. He shifted his overlapped legs, arching his eyebrows slightly. “Physical anthropology is a field that I wasn’t really familiar with, so I wanted to challenge it to learn more. Teacher's research direction is what I’m truly interested in." After he finished speaking, he added, "By the way, if I have the chance, I’d like to participate in field work a few times."

"Oh? The graduation thesis is such an important aspect. Isn’t challenging a new field very risky?" Professor Shen continued to probe.

Hearing this question, the corners of Shaw’s lips slanted, revealing his first smile of the day. However, there was an incredibly serious look in his eyes. He didn’t give a direct answer, but spoke leisurely, word by word. "Archaeology has always been a risk where expectations may end up fruitless. Don’t you agree?”

The re-examination and what Shaw said greatly exceeded Professor Shen's initial expectations. Outstanding schoolwork, comprehensive knowledge and an open-minded attitude. Except for seeming rather brash and conceited, Professor Shen wasn’t able to find fault with him at that moment. He drew a circle on Shaw's materials, then lifted his head to ask the final question:

"Student Shaw seems to be a young man with a lot of personality. So why did you choose the archaeology major that most people find boring?”

-

[ Chapter Two ]

The new semester has commenced for almost two weeks. For Professor Shen, aside from the need to attend a few more professional courses, his teaching life doesn’t seem to have changed much. He hasn't taken a graduate student in two years, and he hasn't gotten used to it yet. Fortunately, Shaw has never been someone who would simply wait passively.

After class this morning, Professor Shen returns to the office. Right after opening the stack of archaeological reports he’s been reading recently, there’s a sudden knock at the door.

"Shaw, is there a problem?" Professor Shen removes his reading glasses and asks composedly.

Shaw has a black backpack slung over one shoulder. He strides over to Professor Shen's desk. Scratching his own hair casually, he speaks with laziness in his tone. “Professor, you gave too little homework. Can’t you assign more?”

Professor Shen suddenly chuckles. Even though it’s only been two weeks since school started, he has already seen Shaw's agile mind and excellent learning speed. Professor Shen isn’t surprised by Shaw's request. But in his opinion, being overly eager isn’t always a good sign to rely on.

Professor Shen ponders for a moment, puts on his glasses again, then says to Shaw, "There’s another assignment, but I don't know if you’d be willing to do it.”

“Tell me about it?”

“You could draw pictures of the flowerbeds in school and objects in the classroom, then practice your fundamental sketching skills.”

Treating flower beds as ruins and objects as appliances is a method that many archaeology students use when practising sketching. But when this assignment comes out of Professor Shen's mouth...

Shaw sweeps a glance at the genial Professor Shen as he sits behind the desk. He purses his lips. Without a word, he hauls up his backpack and turns around, walking towards the office door. Just as he’s about to leave, he turns slightly with a soft “hmph”.

He doesn’t know if Professor Shen heard this sound, nor does he care that much. After all, he has once again immersed himself in the pile of archaeology reports.

-

Just after 5pm, Professor Shen hurries to a research meeting while carrying documents.

The sky at the end of summer is still very bright, clear and azure, without a single shadow of dusk. Professor Shen turns around a corner, and suddenly finds that the back not too far ahead is very familiar - the bluish-purple hair is one of the few in the whole of Loveland University, and he knows at a glance that it’s Shaw. And in front of Shaw, facing Professor Shen’s direction, is a girl with short hair and dressed in a delicate manner.

Professor Shen walks closer and closer. He’s unable to hear what the girl says, and only sees the shy expression on her face.

“Hey, I’m rushing to the band. You’re in the way.” Shaw’s voice is very cold, and even somewhat impatient. The girl seems a little reluctant to withdraw, and reaches out to grab Shaw. However, Shaw turns sideways and steps backwards, dodging instantly. At this point, Shaw knits his brows tightly, his eyes dyed with a sharp and impatient light. “I’ll repeat myself for the last time. I’m. Not. Interested.”

After saying this with a decisive attitude, Shaw walks away.

Walking from behind Shaw to a different branch of the corridor, Professor Shen grips the documents tightly. Actually, whether a student likes to be in a band or is adored by girls, these things belonging to the private lives of students aren’t what he’s interested in nor what he has ever interfered in. To him, what students place value on most are the quality of learning and professionalism. As for other things...

Professor Shen glances at his watch and subconsciously speeds up his pace. While he hurries, he hopes that his original judgment was correct, and hopes that Shaw is indeed a good successor worth cultivating, just as he appeared during the re-examination.

-

[ Chapter 3 ]

A week passes by suddenly.

Sitting at the desk which receives plentiful sunlight, Professor Shen flips through the stack of sketching assignments that Shaw had just handed in, an imperceptible smile of satisfaction on his lips.

In addition to printed computer drawings, another half are hand-drawn sketches by Shaw using a pen, and they are of pretty good quality. Over the years, Professor Shen had seen too many young kids neglecting hand-drawn sketches because they relied too much on computer drawings. No matter what decade it is, the most primitive and foundational skills should be the most solid.

The sense of gratification causes Professor Shen to sigh. However, the page he just flipped to causes him to stop abruptly - this is obviously not part of the drawing assignment. It looks like an analysis report... Professor Shen props up his glasses, reading it carefully from the beginning. Then, he realises that this is an analysis of archaeological reports. Flipping to the back roughly, he finds that coincidentally, this analysis is targeted at the stack of archaeological reports Professor Shen had been reading recently.

With no time to be surprised, Professor Shen straightens his back in an instant, sits up straight, and reads the analysis written by Shaw from start to finish carefully. Whether it’s the standardised writing format, the hypothesis proposed in response to pictures and existing materials, or the objectivity of the comparisons drawn, they can already be regarded as the standard of a professional. 

Even though he doesn’t know where Shaw obtained the archaeological reports, what is undeniable is that he used his "little brain". But what is even more undeniable is that just by skimming through the analysis, Professor Shen can see Shaw’s solid foundational and expansive knowledge.

Through this unassigned piece of homework, Professor Shen feels that what he sees isn’t just a very young student who’s just beginning graduate school. What’s displayed before his eyes is Shaw’s undiscovered potential and possibilities.

Professor Shen gets a full glass of water from the water dispenser, and Biluochun leaves twirl and dance in the transparent glass. He walks over to the window, blowing at the mouth of the cup. Then, he takes a few sips of tea slowly, appearing to be in a good mood.

In his mind, he recalls the content of the analysis report, as well as Shaw's appearance when he came to submit his assignment early in the morning.

At that time, his steps were confident and full of vigour. He walked straight to the table to set down his assignment, then raised his eyebrows in glowing spirits. "Professor, remember to read till the end."

Now that he thinks about it, Professor Shen seems to taste the unhesitating confidence and the unwillingness to admit defeat in Shaw's eyes that he didn’t notice before.

It looks like this kid felt that he was being underestimated before. Full of pent up grievances, he wanted to prove his capabilities! This was simply his slightly awkward yet incomparably confident demeanour...

Professor Shen sighs softly, then can’t help but chuckle.

Before him, the sun is still climbing up at 10am, but the radiance of sunlight is already incomparably dazzling.

-

[ Chapter Four ]

After a few autumn rains, Loveland City gradually turns cooling. Professor Shen's body isn’t very good, so he puts on a thick coat early.

On this day, Professor Shen comes to the office with a briefcase as usual. He methodically prepares Biluochun, takes out his materials and pen, and puts on his glasses. Just as he’s about to start work, the new young lecturer Xiao Fu suddenly turns to his desk while holding his phone. “Professor Shen, look at this quickly. This boy in the middle looks like your graduate student!"

“Why do I feel as if he might be that student of yours?" Teacher Fu looks increasingly certain that he’s correct. "I met him several times before. It’s that cool and triumphant look. Even the colour of his hair matches!"

Professor Shen lowers his head, pulling down his glasses, and the image on the phone screen is displayed in an instant. It seems to be a video of a performance. The musicians on stage are very lively, and the atmosphere under the stage seems to be extraordinarily enthusiastic. The person playing the bass intently and fervently in the middle - who else could he be but Shaw?

Even before Professor Shen speaks, Teacher Fu has already affirmed to himself. “That’s right, it’s him! I remember someone mentioning that he was in band, but I didn't expect him to look like this...”

Professor Shen's eyes are still focused on the phone screen. In the video, Shaw has the youthful vigour that he can only have at his age. He’s full of spirit, rebellious and eccentric, and exudes fervent vitality. He can attract everyone’s attention almost instantly, as though he's a natural focal point.

But such a Shaw seems slightly foreign to Professor Shen. In the past two or three months, the Shaw he has seen is a graduate student who rushes to and from school, but is very earnest in his specialised course, and is also very meticulous in research.

Teacher Fu has already taken his phone away and returned to his own desk. Professor Shen’s gaze returns to his materials, but there are still some emotions stirring in his heart.

The more interactions he has with Shaw, the more Professor thinks that he’s akin to a treasure. Although he may make someone feel conflicted, he always brings unexpected surprises to others. Initially, Professor Shen thought there might only be jade here. But after more digging, he found calligraphy and paintings and utensils. Thinking that this would be the end, taking a turn resulted in the digging of gold, silver, copper and iron. As for whether there would be other treasures in the future...

Knock knock.

Hearing knocks at the door, Professor Shen lifts his head instinctively - truly, speak of the devil.

"Professor, I came to ask about something." Shaw strides over. Standing before the desk, Shaw looks at Professor Shen with an indifferent expression, as if he’s just speaking thoughtlessly. "I heard that the excavation and inspection of the Hou Yin Tan site will be carried out soon. Anyway, my usual assignments aren’t urgent. I’m thinking of strolling around the area with you.”

Through the spectacle lenses, Professor Shen looks at the seemingly expressionless Shaw, and can’t help but chuckle.

He thinks to himself - perhaps no one has told Shaw that even though he always uses nonchalance as a cover, the insuppressible earnestness in his eyes are unable to conceal his genuine anticipation.

-

[ Chapter 5 ]

The excavation work has commenced for over a month, and everything is proceeding on tenterhooks and in an orderly manner.

Field excavation has always been a bitter and boring part of archaeological work. In addition to digging for long hours in a desolate field, it’s also common to find nothing after digging till the end. At the very least, Shaw has already experienced it several times this month.

It’s another cold and windy morning. Professor Shen comes to the excavation site early, only to find that Shaw hasn’t arrived yet, which is rare. Something noteworthy is that Shaw has been coming here earlier than him every day. But within a few minutes, Shaw appears, walking over while talking on the phone. Something is said on the other end of the line. Shaw arches his eyebrows in his signature style. "Tch, so long-winded... Got it.”

Professor Shen notices a cute rabbit pendant dangling from the bottom of Shaw’s phone, though he doesn’t know when it first appeared. He shows a smile of understanding, no longer paying attention to Shaw's actions, lowering his head to start a new day of work. After a while, a number of villagers from the vicinity also come over and they all greet Shaw first.

This is also something Professor Shen noticed on hindsight. At some point in time, Shaw had established a rapport with the villagers. Having the villagers in the vicinity cooperate and even participate in an amiable manner is another very important part of field excavation. In this aspect, Shaw's performance can be regarded as attaining a satisfactory full marks.

"Professor, leave the rest of the shaving to me." Shaw squats down beside Professor Shen, holding a shovel in his hand. Professor Shen doesn’t immediately express his opinion. Instead, he smiles slightly. "Finished your call with your girlfriend?" Shaw averts his eyes in a hurry, which is rare. He purses his lips. “Who said that she’s... Professor, don’t get infected by Mr Fu’s gossip.” Professor Shen chuckles while standing up slowly. Then, he pats Shaw on the shoulder. "I'll take a look at the pit."

Shaving is time-consuming and hard work, let alone shaving in winter. In spite of thin sunlight, the bitter cold wind hovers over the site, causing Shaw's nose to redden unknowingly. His ripped jeans have long since been covered in dust, and even his originally shiny earrings are coated in ash. Even so, Shaw simply kneels on the ground with ease, cleaning the ground while holding the shovel firmly, shovelling the ground and four walls carefully.

The shaving takes five hours.

Dinner naturally consists of a group of people eating together. When Shaw arrives, he has already taken a shower and is restored to a clean and refreshed state. However, when using chopsticks to pick out vegetables, Professor Shen notices his unusual behaviour immediately: he rarely moves his chopsticks, and he has been picking the vegetables slower than usual. After a few more glances, Professor Shen realises that his hands had turned swollen during the five consecutive hours of shaving.

Despite this, even after the meal is over, Shaw doesn’t say a word or complain at all.

Professor Shen is even more satisfied with the only graduate student he has. He can’t help but compliment him coolly. "You’ve done a good job recently. If you want to learn archeology properly, you must have this earnestness and inextinguishable momentum."

Shaw pauses for a second, but still has that triumphant expression when he speaks. "That goes without saying." But Professor Shen clearly sees how Shaw's eyes had lit up in an instant, and how his brows raised involuntarily.

Professor Shen smiles while shaking his head, looking at Shaw whose words don’t match his genuine feelings. He doesn’t know what Shaw experienced, and perhaps his cynicism is to some extent a defence mechanism. As long as he pretends not to care, there will never come a time when his expectations come to naught. And this also gives him a chance to rewind the situation. Even though amazing the world with brilliant feats bring with it surprises, it occasionally makes Professor Shen feel that what he’s doing is akin to a child looking forward to rewards...

With this thought in mind, Professor Shen smiles while walking away.

-

When Professor Shen arrives the next morning, many people are already surrounding the area. There’s an interview with the TV station today, and Professor Shen had long since pushed Shaw out. A young man with such an advantageous appearance is suitable to be on TV.

As expected, the host is holding the microphone and conducting the interview. Looking at Shaw’s knitted brows, Professor Shen can't help but laugh, knowing that he’s trying his best to answer patiently. At this moment, the host suddenly asks a rather familiar question. "Why are you studying archaeology?"

This question seems to pull time backwards to more than half a year ago, when Professor Shen met Shaw for the first time -

"Student Shaw seems to be a young man with a lot of personality. So why did you choose the archaeology major that most people find boring?”

Shaw arches his eyebrows. "Because I like it." He lifts his chin slightly, showing a determined smile. "Isn't liking something the greatest display of personality?”

More from S2: here

You’re My Eternal Love

Edward Cullen x Reader

 GIF Not Mine.

 Warnings: Self-depreciation, pining, minor angst, major fluff. Bella isn’t nice in this one guys.

 Word count: 14,843—super long so be sure to grab yourself some snacks and a cuppa tea!

 Click Here For My Masterlist.

 Summary: Bella and Y/N go to Italy to stop Edward from committing suicide. It’s going to be a difficult excursion for more reasons than Y/N can possibly imagine. For starters, she doesn’t possess the same mind defences as her sister, meaning she’s much more vulnerable to the gifts of Aro and Jane. But that isn’t going to stop her from helping to save the man she’s secretly in love with. She’s done a very good job at keeping it quiet so far, especially with Edward’s ability to read her thoughts. Y/N is well aware that she’s risking her life, but as long as Edward’s is saved, her own existence is of little consequence to her. The danger, she’s prepared for, but to have more revealed than she’s ready to reveal is going to be the hardest part. Everything has the potential to fall to pieces, but will it? Also let’s pretend that Bella is a year younger, putting her in junior year and Y/N in senior year.

 I took a deep breath as I processed everything that I’d just been told. Edward had gone to the Volturi—Vampire royalty who created and enforced rules that everyone belonging to that species must follow—in order to end his own life. I internally cursed my sister’s recklessness.

 ‘Let’s just jump off the cliff, Y/N. What’s the worst that could happen?’

 She’d dragged me along to keep her company on LA Push beach as she waited for Jake—her new love interest—to finish his wolf patrol and meet her. The werewolf had forewarned her that he’d probably be late, so I was a means to avoid boredom. If she hadn’t played the sister card, I wouldn’t have gone. If I’d just ignored her insistence at trying another reckless activity, this wouldn’t be happening. Edward would be living his immortal life danger free in… wherever the hell he had been. But no, Bella had insisted that it would be a rush, something Jake had got her hooked onto after she’d bought him some bikes to fix up as an excuse to spend some time with him. She’d gone first, even though I’d still been trying to talk her out of it, and I’d waited anxiously on the cliff edge for her face to break the surface of the angry blue sea so that my nerves would fade. But that hadn’t happened. She didn’t come up, and stupidly, I’d gone after her. If I’d stopped to think logically I would have realized that I was human, too. If Bella hadn’t been able to fight the waves to escape the ocean, why would I have a chance? I should have screamed for help, perhaps loud enough for some of the resident werewolves to hear if they were nearby.

 Unfortunately, logic and reasoning goes out of the window when someone you love, when your sister, is in danger. So without thought, only glaring panic echoing throughout my veins, I’d jumped in, the ice-cold water encasing me like a predator caging its prey. Again, if I’d been calm enough to be rational, I wouldn’t have wasted the precious energy I’d had frantically searching, my arms slashing as fast as they could through the dark abyss of water. Any attempts to locate my sister had failed and in a moment of sheer stupidity, I’d opened my mouth, as if to call out her name. The water rushing into my mouth and down into my lungs had been the last thing I remembered as I closed my eyes and allowed death to claim me.

When I’d woken up on the beach, my lungs burning and throat raw, with Sam Uley standing over me I’d been disorientated. But the wave of realization washed over me with more ferocity than the waves had, and I was soon frantically looking around for Bella. She had been fine, sat over on a fallen log about twenty feet away on Jacob’s lap. He was holding her close and I’d remembered the shot of betrayal that shot through my heart like an arrow at her lack of concern. It burned like I’d been branded with a constant reminder of how little my sister appeared to care for me. When I looked back to the alpha werewolf, to thank him for saving my life, he’d told me I was welcome without taking his disapproving eyes off Bella. That had been the first time my defensive hackles hadn’t rose at the sight of someone criticizing my family—I was always in her corner, but in that moment, I couldn’t bring myself to even muster up an insincere effort. Sam had taken me home, not addressing the elephant in the car, and I waited until I was in the security of my bedroom to let the tears fall.

 I had been starting to wonder if anyone—other than Charlie and Renée even cared about me. I thought the Cullen’s had loved me like family, I knew I had loved, still loved, them in that manner. All but one. I banished that thought from my head and returned to my original thought. If my own sister didn’t care if I lived or died, then how could I be sure that any of the Cullen’s had loved me like I loved them? That particular thought had me wallowing in self-pity for most of the day and after I’d showered, I’d basically collapsed into my bed and allowed exhaustion to claim me. Apparently almost dying really took it out of you.

 I’d woken to my shoulder being shaken by something very cold and as if my depressing thoughts had conjured them—well one of them—Alice Cullen had been stood there with a relieved and confused expression on her face. I’d told her everything that happened and she filled me in on some of the things the Cullen’s had been up to, though her details on Edward were minimal. I assumed that was because she didn’t want me to potentially pass on information that would hurt my sister, so I didn’t comment, though I myself was secretly relieved. Information on the boy who’d never known—would never know—that I loved him was just too much for me to handle. Bella had joined us well past dark and had a much more resigned reunion with the pixie haired Cullen. I’d been confused at her lack of enthusiasm, but she was polite enough and agreed with my insistence that Alice should stay with us for at least a few days before she left again. But she didn’t seem to care either way, and I found myself irked by that before a thought entered my mind: what if the presence of Edward’s sister was bringing up memories that were simply too difficult for her to bear? I softened marginally after considering that, but not much.

 But apparently, that hadn’t been the reason for her indifference at all, as while Alice stood in front of where Bella and I were sat on the small couch in our home, my sister couldn’t appear less interested in what the psychic vampire was saying to us. I felt my first spark of anger then, but I pushed it down knowing that I needed to convince her to come with us, otherwise we’d have no hope of saving him, and the possibility of that hurt too much for me to consider it for more than half a second.

 ‘Bella, we have to go. This is Edward we’re talking about, you owe it to him to let him know you’re alive at the very least.’ I insisted, I knew my eyes were most likely burning with panic that she wouldn’t go and anger that she looked between the vampire and me as if we were discussing the weather forecast.

 Something in my expression must have convinced her, or maybe she realized that if Alice wanted to get her to Italy, she would be able to very easily whether she wanted to go or not. Either way, I ran to my room and frantically packed two backpacks, one for each of us, full of essentials before I returned to the living room where Alice was already waiting. Bella pulled on her jacket and took her designated backpack without complaint or haste while I retrieved our passports from the drawer in the kitchen. I scribbled out a note to Charlie explaining that Alice, Bella and I were taking an impromptu trip to Seattle to spend some quality girl time together before Alice left again. I apologized for the timing but promised that we’d be in touch. I scribbled down Alice’s cell number and signed our names. Hopefully he wouldn’t be too mad, or worried, but I knew those hopes were fruitless because of course he would be. But I didn’t let that concern me as I slid into Alice’s car, at least not while I had bigger concerns on my mind. I ignored the screeching of the tires as she gunned the accelerator and sat back in my seat, eyes closing as I tried to pacify myself with imagining Edward happy and most importantly… alive.

 This had better work.

 //

 When we finally arrived in Volterra, the heart of the Volturi city, Bella had been sent off to the clock tower while Alice and I made our way to them through the shadows. I had lost sight of her in all the pedestrians wearing read from head to toe, and I found anxiety swirling in my stomach as I hoped she moved with more urgency than she’d been showing all day. If Edward exposed himself and died because Bella didn’t move with enough haste… I wasn’t sure I’d be able to forgive her.

 We located them in the alley underneath the clock tower, but neither looked happy to be in one another’s presence. In fact, Bella looked down right pissed and Edward wasn’t far off, either. The only difference in his behaviour was that his eyes held relief alongside the anger. Despite what I was sure would turn into a lover’s reunion that would wound me irreparably, I couldn’t find it within myself to care because Edward was okay. I leaped into his arms as soon as I’d saw him, not giving it a second thought as my own relief overpowered me and controlled my actions without permission.

 Before any words could be spoken between the four of us, two vampires joined us in the shadows. Their names were revealed to be Demetri and Felix and I felt myself tense as they revealed that the Volturi wanted to see all of us. My eyes flitted to my sister and away again before I gave away any weakness. She might not have cared for my well being, but I certainly cared for hers. I didn’t try to fight the sheer panic and anxiety that formed in my gut as we were herded underground by the two male vampires and the other female, Jane, that had joined us moments after. What was going to happen? They couldn’t have wanted to see Bella and I out of mere curiosity. I felt myself shiver as I realized the implication of our presence—we were going to die. I wondered if there would be any way that I could barter my life to save Bella’s, but why would they even consider that as an option, when they could easily kill us both anyway? It wasn’t like I had something to offer them that they would be interested in. It hit me then; Bella had a better chance of getting out of this than I did, regardless. Her mind defenses made her interesting, and I could only hope that Aro and the others would see potential and allow her to leave if she became immortal. That was what she wanted, anyway. And seeing as she didn’t care if I lived or died, it shouldn’t be too difficult for her to leave me behind to feed the hungry vampires. I fought back a shudder at the thought but felt myself relax with the knowledge that Edward, Alice and Bella had a very good chance of leaving here alive.

 I jolted when a cold hand enveloped mine and looked into the black eyes of Edward, gazing at me with a mixture of concern and fury. I wondered what I had done to receive such a reception but I realized that he’d probably been hearing my inner monologue and I felt my lips tilt up into a sheepish smile. I also felt my heart squeeze in hope—if he was angry with me discussing my death with myself so calmly and clinically, maybe he did care for me? Maybe all of the Cullen’s did? Or perhaps his selflessness wouldn’t allow the thought of another sacrificing their own life for his immortal one. I sighed at that thought; it was more likely after all.

 It didn’t seem to take long for us to reach the room we were expected in, or maybe it did. I’d been so lost in my own thoughts I hadn’t really been paying attention. If Edward hadn’t taken it upon himself to guide me, I probably would have ended up walking into the back of Jane, not realizing we’d stopped. I definitely would have been dinner then. I blinked myself out of my self inflicted daze and glanced around, noting the medieval structure of the small, circular room. I felt like I’d travelled back in time to the sixteenth century as the interior felt so much like a castle. The grey cobble stones made up the walls from floor to ceiling and I felt myself shiver as the coolness of the room caught up with me. The three vampires we were here to see sat in front of us on three identical wooden thrones. Aro I recognized from the painting I’d been shown once; he sat in the middle. Another dark haired vampire sat in the throne to his right, while a blonde male sat in the seat to his right. Aro looked positively delighted at our appearance, as if we were old friends who’d simply popped in for a friendly visit. I shuddered at the over familiarity and wondered if the recognition in his eyes were because of a gift similar to Alice’s. Did he know we were coming?

 He stepped down from his throne, stopping a few feet away from the four of us, clapping his hands together in delight just once before they dropped to his sides. Bella stiffened as his eyes trailed over her with moderate interest, but when they fell on me he positively beamed, much to my confusion. Edward stiffened and gripped my hand tighter, pulling me half a step behind him. I wondered what Aro had thought for him to do that, but I didn’t comment on it, trusting his judgment.

 ‘No need to fret, Edward. I simply wished to introduce myself to your… friend.’ I frowned at his emphasis on that word, his tone implied that he knew something I didn’t, which didn’t make any sense.

 ‘I understand Bella is immune to your abilities, but Y/N is not. After seeing her from your mind, your point of view, I am more than curious to see inside this particular humans head.’ He practically purred and I wondered if I would lose my head if I told him to fuck off. Probably.

 ‘What are your abilities exactly?’ I asked, my voice no more than a murmur, but that wasn’t a problem for my present company.

 ‘Aro can read every thought your mind has ever had with just one touch.’ Edward told me, his eyes remaining on the ancient vampire stood before us but his head tilted in my direction to avoid miscommunication.

 I felt my eyes widen in horror and I spoke without thinking, ‘absolutely not.’

 That only seemed to pique his interest more, if that were possible. His dark iris’s positively gleamed and he took half a step forward, pausing at the growl that left Edward’s throat. I felt my heart skip a beat at the sound, not out of fear, but surprise.

 ‘It’s nothing to fear, child. Just one touch, it’s completely painless and I must say, your reluctance has me wondering what you’re so eager to hide.’ He grinned and I wanted to scream.

 ‘I’m not worried about pain; I’m more worried about invasion of privacy. Edward I’m used to, at least with him I only have to worry about what he hears when he’s around, but for you to hear everything, things that are supposed to be private… well I can’t say I like the idea.’ I ran my free hand through my hair, stressed because I knew that Aro seeing all of my thoughts would mean that Edward would be able to read them at the same time.

 Everything I’d worked so hard to hide would be laid out on a silver platter. A wave of nausea washed over me and Edward held me tighter to his side, I felt myself relax as the cold chased away the sudden bought of sickness but my fear remained. But as I met Aro’s eyes again, I could see his patience wavering. Him “asking” had never really been him offering a choice, it had been him attempting to allude to a sense of security that I knew he wouldn’t deliver. I had no options in this. Not really. I sighed and stepped forward so that I was now half a step in front of the vampire who still had a hold on me, in more ways than one. I held out my free hand, palm up and tried not to wince when the black haired vampire was suddenly stood right in front of me, taking my thoughts greedily. His eyes glazed over as if he were suddenly somewhere else and I tried to hold back the sheer terror attempting to break free by distracting myself at how different each vampire’s skin felt. Edward’s was as cool as marble but some how soft—Aro’s felt like sandpaper that had been pulled from the freezer. I longed to release his hand but I knew it would be pointless to even try; I’d probably cause myself more harm. So I stood there for what felt like hours as Aro sifted through every thought I’d ever had with the look of a reader flicking through their favourite book. When he did release me, his eyes not quite yet returning to reality, Edward scooped me up and put a three-foot gap between me and Aro before I’d fully registered that I was even freed from the sand paper touch. I avoided Edward’s expression, afraid of what I would see now that he knew what I’d been keeping to myself for so long. Despite the panic that my feelings were most definitely going to complicate everything, I couldn’t help the small echo of relief at him, at someone, finally knowing the secret I’d buried deep inside myself. Even if one of those people was a member of the deadliest coven in the world.

 ‘So… fascinating!’ He yelled with childlike glee, his eyes flickering between Edward and I, ‘to see how much you pine for one another, how much pain could have been avoided by simple communication!’

 I frowned, confused and despite my head telling me not to, I looked up to the vampire still holding me to see his expression completely blank and void of emotion. I sighed in annoyance, wishing I could read his mind like he could so easily read mine. Aro must have misunderstood. There is simply no way that the godlike perfection of Edward Cullen would pine after me when he was so enraptured with my sister.

 ‘You don’t believe me, do you child?’ Aro’s voice caused me to look back over to him and I felt unnerved at the smug, knowing expression he wore.

 ‘You believe his heart lies with her.’ His eyes left mine to look over to the only other human in the room, his eyes narrowing in what appeared to be distaste before his dark gaze was once again back on me, ‘you believe he came here to end his own life because Bella jumped into the water.’

 I felt a flash of irritation through the confusion that was swirling through my belly. I wanted an explanation over what the hell was going on, but I didn’t want it from him. I wanted it from the vampire standing next to me, the vampire who hadn’t yet relaxed his tense and protective stance beside me. I looked past Alice, who was stood next to Edward, to my sister and wondered why she didn’t seem as confused as I did. But there was no emotion on her face. She wasn’t angry at me potentially being in love with her ex-boyfriend. If anything she looked uninterested and I briefly wondered if she loved the werewolf more than I’d realized. I’d thought he was just a rebound, after all how could anyone truly replace the incredible person she had lost due to his desire to keep her safe? Evidently, I was wrong. Bella was over Edward, perhaps more than I’d realized, and I wondered for the first time if she’d ever even missed him. If the haze she’d briefly slipped into upon his departure hadn’t been depression as I’d originally thought, but rather indifference. The answer hit me like a slap in the face.

 She’d never loved him.

 That was why it had been so easy for her to carry on as if nothing had happened. That was why she didn’t care about Edward potentially killing himself. I wondered then if I’d simply been deluding myself for the months they were together, if I’d merely been projecting the way I’d felt about the vampire onto my sister, because I couldn’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t love him with every fiber of their being.

 But if that was the case, why had they dated for so long? Why had Edward left to protect her, if there had been no love between them to begin with?

 I sighed, looking back up to Edward again, appraising his expression carefully, but it was no use. He was a master of control—he simply looked calm, emotionless and I felt like I wanted to scream in frustration. I wanted an explanation from him. I wanted to know what was going on, definitely, but I didn’t want to hear Edwards’s thoughts edited by Aro. I wanted to hear them directly, from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. But it didn’t look like I had a choice because Aro was only too delighted to relay what he’d seen like he was re-accounting his favorite TV show for those who’d missed it, and Edward was frozen still.

 ‘The most interesting part about it all is your unwillingness to admit your feelings for her, Edward, despite the fact you feel so… broken without her around.’ He tusked as he thought, most likely flicking through all he had seen, ‘you—.’

 I blinked in surprise when Edward finally unfroze, his eyes turning to me for the first time in what felt like years. I was taken aback by the emotion swirling in his dark, thirsty eyes and found myself unable to look away as he spoke, his soft voice wrapping around me like velvet.

 ‘You’re right, I do owe you an explanation and I will give it to you.’ He took an unnecessary breath, ‘your sister’s blood isn’t the blood that is irresistible to me, yours is. I dated Bella as a way of having an excuse to be near you, without being too close. I didn’t trust myself, you see, and when your sister got hurt all I saw was how easy it would be for you to be fatally injured because of me. I couldn’t bear it. That’s why I left; I figured it would be what was best for you. You didn’t know how I felt, how much I love you—your life would be untouched by me, and you’d be able to live the normal, happy life you deserved.’

 I could feel the surprise on my face, but my thoughts were spinning too fast for me to worry about my expression in that moment. Could he care about me enough to fake a relationship in order to assure I was protected from himself? I couldn’t believe it, and yet I could. I’d have be stupid to ignore the love shining in his eyes as he looked at me, to disregard the gentle and tender way that he held me. Edward loved me. My heart like it was going to expand out of my chest as I thought I love you, Edward. I always have and I always will. His eyes softened, and before him I never would have believed that black eyes could be gentle, but they were and I felt myself melting into his touch, not caring about our audience.

 There was still so much we needed to talk about, like why Bella had gone along with the relationship—she would have known that Edward’s love wasn’t genuine, that I was sure of, my sister was anything but unobservant—so why hadn’t she said anything first? I’d also needed to lecture Edward on keeping his feelings from me, on coming to Italy to end his—God, I couldn’t even finish the thought—but I was aware that there was a possibility that I wasn’t going to leave here alive. And strangely, I couldn’t bring myself to muster up too much panic over that. Knowing Edward loved me as I loved him? That was all I needed to die happy. Maybe that sounded crazy, but it was the truth. I noticed Edward’s eyes harden at the turn my thoughts had taken and he held me tighter against his side, his body once again becoming very still. His change in behaviour seemed to heighten the tension in the air, tension that I’d been blind to as we’d been lost in our own bubble for who knows how long, but I was very aware of it now.

 ‘Right, well obviously we have a matter to discuss and a verdict to come to.’ Aro smiled, his face suddenly malicious as he thought over what he could accuse us of to justify our deaths.

 I only hoped Bella, Alice and Edward would leave here alive. After all, the two vampires hadn’t broken any laws after all and Bella had the excuse of already knowing about vampires because of her werewolf boyfriend.

 ‘I don’t see how any punishments should be administered, Aro.’ Edward spoke up, his voice full of confidence and assertiveness, though his expression remained as expressionless as stone, ‘no rules were broken.’

 The blonde vampire in one of the three thrones spoke up for the first time, his long, bony finger pointing at me and then Bella as he spoke, ‘that is not true. You’ve exposed our secrets to humans. They know too much, they must either be turned or destroyed.’

 ���Yes, Caius I would agree with you, when it comes to Y/N, but Bella is a little more complicated, I’m afraid.’ Aro pursed his lips, placing his hands to his face in a prayer potion that I was too on edge to find irony in, ‘she cohorts with werewolves, our natural enemies, and therefore her knowledge of our existence can be justified.’

 I breathed a sigh of relief at that and tried to ignore the smug smile that formed on my sister’s lips. Aro’s dark eyes turned to me next and I felt a shiver slither down my spine.

 ‘Y/N, with you my brother is correct. Humans are merely forbidden to know of our existence, except for unique circumstances, of course,’ his eyes flickered to Bella and back to me so quickly that I wondered if I’d imagined it, ‘unless Edward is willing for you to become immortal and prove it, then unfortunately you’ll die here today.’

 A growl rumbled in Edward’s chest at the threat behind the ancient vampire’s words and he held me tighter. I knew what I wanted. It was something I’d dreamed of more than once, to be with him forever. Of course the happy feeling my dream inspired was often chased away with guilt when I regained consciousness, but the desire still remained, no matter how wrong I believed it to be at the time. But now, it was possible. I could be with Edward for eternity, if he would have me. I wouldn’t want to force myself on him forever if he didn’t really want me, after all what was to say he wouldn’t lose interest within a few months of us actually being in a relationship? He could easily grow bored with me, and soon realize that I wasn’t interesting, or funny or beautiful. He would realize he didn’t love me after all, and the thought of that was so painful that the thought of dying by the hands of the Volturi didn’t seem so bad. I’d rather die now than expect an eternity with the man I loved, only for him to discard of me when he realized I wasn’t good enough for him. Because I wasn’t, was I? My heart sank with the realization and a sigh fell past my lips. I opened my mouth to tell them to kill me, because I loved Edward too much to force him into an eternity with me that he’d probably never considered, or wanted. But Alice’s voice, soft as wind chimes, injected into the conversation for the first time. I noticed Aro’s delight as the younger Cullen spoke up.

 ‘She will be one of us. I’ve seen it. I can show you, if you’d like.’ She held out her hand, the same way I had, but somehow with much more grace. Aro stepped forward and took it eagerly, his eyes un-focusing and a look of sheer enjoyment freezing on his face.

 I took his distraction as an opportunity to look up to Edward, my eyes pausing on the dark circles underneath his orbs and wondering just how long he’d gone without feeding. He looked incredibly thirsty and I felt my heart twist in concern. His eyes met mine, soft as melted licorice and smiled a small, gentle smile that had my heart stuttering in my chest. I thought he might grin at the reaction, but Aro’s gasp of wonder drew our attention and I looked over to see him taking me in with an appreciative gleam in his eyes.

 ‘I can see that there are no issues at all.’ He grinned, but it didn’t offer any comfort, ‘you are free to go, we ask only that you do not linger in the city.’

 ‘That won’t be a problem.’ Edward’s voice was polite, but the hostility behind his speech was still present, even if it was only the slightest hint.

 I looked over to Aro, managing a glimpse before Edward steered me away, and I wondered if he’d been able to sense he anger behind his words. It didn’t seem like it—he was smiling like a cat that ate the cream, no trace of offence on his expression at all. I leaned further into Edward’s hold as we escaped back through the way we came, Alice and Bella trailing behind us. It didn’t take us long to reach the streets and after the younger Cullen had retrieved our bags from wherever she’d stashed them earlier, we climbed into the new car she’d managed to steal. Bella sat in the passenger seat while Edward and I took the back. I marveled at how natural it felt to be in the vampire’s arms, it was if I belonged there and I tentatively wondered if it felt the same for him.

 ‘Are you okay?’ my fingers carefully traced the dark circles underneath his eyes that hinted at the discomfort he was probably feeling.

 He took my fingers in his free hand and bought them to his lips, kissing them before entwining our hands together. My heart stuttered in my chest and he smiled, ‘I’m perfectly fine, better than fine actually.’ His face went to my hair and I could hear him inhale my scent, a contented noise falling from his lips.

 ‘I know what you mean.’ I murmured, turning my face into the crook of his neck and inhaling his sweet, addictive scent. I’d never been this close before—in the past I’d only ever caught a whiff as he walked past me, or reached over me to grab something, but now I was surrounded by his wonderful smell and I found myself pleasantly overwhelmed.

 ‘By the way, we will talk about those absurd thoughts you were having earlier. Don’t think I’ll forget.’ His voice was low as he murmured in my ear, the promise behind his words made me shiver and I wondered what thoughts he was talking about.

 ‘Okay,’ I agreed, knowing he’d have to be near me to have that conversation, and I still wasn’t completely convinced that he wasn’t going to change his mind on a whim.

 A small rumble sounded in his chest, but it wasn’t threatening, it was more a sound of frustration and I wondered if his thirst was bothering him more than he wanted me to know. I was just thinking about moving off his lap—honestly I couldn’t even remember how I’d got there—but he was holding me tighter before I could even complete the thought. I didn’t fight him, trusting that he knew his own thirst and restrictions better than I did, and it wasn’t like I was uncomfortable, so I decided to appreciate his closeness, not knowing when I’d get the chance again. My eyes fluttered shut as I worked to commit the moment to memory—the way he felt against me, hard, cold and comforting, the way he smelled, sweet, wonderful and soothing. I was so dedicated to my attempt at committing that moment to memory, that unconsciousness fell over me without warning, but in the arms of the man I loved I couldn’t help but feel anything other than content.

 //

 Waking up was a disorientating experience. I was still in a car, but it was different somehow, and I wasn’t conscious enough to figure out why that was or how I’d been moved without being woken. I was still in Edward’s cold, comforting hold and I found myself wanting to fall back into unconsciousness, more tired than I realized, but I heard voices that I wasn’t expecting. My eyes fluttered open and I glanced around, shying away from the brightness outside of the car window and hiding my face into Edward’s neck for a moment to give my eyes time to adjust. I couldn’t resist a discrete inhale while I was there and I felt myself relax further into his arms before I lifted my head again, looking to the driver. I frowned in confusion when I saw a bulky, brawny frame instead of Alice; I was even more confused to see blonde hair over the passenger headrest instead of my sister’s brunette head.

 ‘How long have I been out?’ My voice sounded scratchy and I found myself wishing I had a bottle of water to soothe it. I settled for clearing my throat and swallowing a few times instead.

 ‘Just over ten hours.’ Edward’s musical voice answered, soft and soothing as his lips found my hair. My heart sped up and he chuckled quietly, his eyes fluttering shut as if he were savoring the sound.

 ‘Where’s Bella?’

 ‘She’s in the other car with Alice, Jasper, Carlisle and Esme. Rosalie wanted to ride with us to try and apologise, of course your unconsciousness didn’t really help her there.’ He chuckled again, a mixture of amused and angry.

 I frowned, ‘I’m clearly missing something here.’

 ‘Alice didn’t tell you how I heard about her vision?’ he looked down to me, continuing when he found the answer in my head, his voice bleak, ‘Rosalie tracked me down to tell me what Alice saw. I called to see if it was true and a boy… Jacob? Answered the phone and told me Charlie was planning the funeral.’

 That was news to me, I hadn’t even known there had been a phone call, or that Jacob had even been over that day. I’d come down stairs to find Alice stood in the middle of the living room, frozen with horror and Bella sat on the couch, confused and a little annoyed. All I’d known was that Edward had gone to Italy to— I shuddered, unable to finish the thought—that was all I needed to know. The why or how didn’t matter to me, I just knew I’d needed to stop him. My hold on his shoulders tightened as relief overcame me—we’d succeeded, he was fine, safe.

 ‘Y/N?’ Rosalie’s voice bought me out of my thoughts and I looked over to her, my eyes softening at the remorse I saw in her honey colored eyes, ‘I’m so terribly sorry that my rashness resulted in you having to risk your life, but I will never be able to thank you adequately for being brave enough to save my brother. I certainly don’t deserve it, but I hope you can forgive me.’

 ‘Of course I forgive you, Rosalie. How or why doesn’t mean anything to me, all I cared about was making sure Edward left Italy alive. That’s all that matters.’ I gripped him tighter to prove my point and my eyes fluttered shut when his cool lips kissed me behind my ear.

 ‘Thank you, Y/N.’ Rosalie said, sounding much less troubled, but I suspected that she was going to beat herself up over this for a long time. I offered her what I hoped was a comforting smile.

 I wished she wouldn’t, I meant what I said about the how or why not mattering, but if we really considered it, wasn’t this really my fault? I was the one who jumped off that cliff after Bella. I flinched as I remembered waking up on the beach to the alpha being the only one who seemed to care for my wellbeing. Edward’s arms tightened around my waist and a growl rumbled in his chest, clearly not pleased with my sister’s lack of interest in my life. I melted further into him, grateful for how safe his arms made me feel and I found myself selfishly hoping that I wouldn’t lose that. That I wouldn’t lose this feeling… that I wouldn’t lose him. But as I started to recognize the familiar sights that told me were entering Forks, I realized that wouldn’t be possible.

 ‘I’m not leaving.’ His lips were at my ear, his cool breath making me shiver and feel warm all at once, ‘I promise, I’ll never leave you again, Y/N. Not unless you order me away.’

 I turned, looking into his dark eyes and I felt my heart pound at the sincerity that I saw in there, but still doubt crept in. Was he promising me this because he felt indebted to me for saving his life? Not that I thought that was entirely my doing, it had certainly been a group effort, but still… could that be a possibility? His eyes flashed and darkened, something that I wouldn’t have thought achievable as his orbs were already unbelievably black, but the anger dragged them further into the abyss.

 ‘Like I said, we’ll talk about your thoughts later, when you have time. But for now, you’ve got to go home and check in with Charlie. You’re excuse was a good one so he hasn’t sent out a search party for you… yet.’ His eyes had softened, but the hardness still lingered around the edges.

 I blinked, processing his words, ‘I said Alice, Bella and I had gone to Seattle for a few days before she left… won’t he find it odd that I’m being dropped off by you three?’

 Edward smiled, ‘you’re not. We’re going back to our house first and Alice will drive the both of you back in the same car she arrived in.’

 I nodded—that made sense after all and so there wasn’t anything more to say. I sighed as I thought about being able to have a shower, and brush my teeth. My clothes hadn’t even changed in the days we’d been gone, despite the backpack of essentials I’d packed. It just hadn’t seemed important. All I’d been able to think about, to worry about, was Edward. Showering and changing hadn’t been a priority, at least not for me. I sighed again, this time dejected as I wished the vampire holding me didn’t have to leave, even if it would only be for a few hours.

 ‘We’ll be back together before you know it. After I’ve changed, hunted and showered—not in that order—I’ll be climbing through your window, I promise.’ His words wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a cool winters night.

 ‘I believe you.’ I murmured, falling silent again, hoping Charlie didn’t give us too much of an inquisition.

 Edward and I had to talk.

 //

 Charlie hadn’t had much of a reaction when Bella and I walked through the door. In fact, he didn’t seem perturbed by our arrival at all; he spared us a glance and a mumbled greeting before returning to the game he was watching on TV. I sighed in relief and made my way upstairs while Bella called out that she was heading over to see Jake. Charlie replied with an affirmative and I heard the sound of my sister’s truck starting as I climbed the stairs and headed straight for the bathroom.

 The first thing I did was brush my teeth, scrubbing until I was sure all of the grime had been removed and the horrible taste in my mouth had been replaced with mint. Then I’d stripped off my clothes and spent longer than what was probably necessary in the shower. I couldn’t help it—it felt so good to be clean again, and I couldn’t help but revel in the feeling for longer than I usually did. But I eventually washed the last of the suds off my body and the conditioner out of my hair. Satisfied, I wrapped my hair and body in separate towels before heading to my bedroom. After making sure Edward wasn’t already waiting in my room, I dried myself off and quickly dressed in some cotton shorts and an oversized sweater I’d stolen from Charlie a few summers ago. I left my hair down to dry and tossed the damp towels into my laundry hamper along with the clothes I’d worn for who knows how long. I moisturized my face and applied deodorant but didn’t bother with perfume.

 Once I was decent I decided to head downstairs to get myself something to eat once I realized that I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d ate something. That might have been a contributing factor to my exhaustion I thought as I pulled out a few slices of left over pizza that Charlie must have ordered while we were gone. I placed them on a plate and then put them in the microwave, pouring myself a glass of milk and sipping on it as I waited. Half of the beverage was gone when the microwave beeped. I pulled the plate out and sat down, chewing quickly but carefully, not wanting to burn myself on the reheated food. It didn’t take long and soon enough my dishes were washed and put away and I was heading back upstairs after calling out a goodnight to my dad.

 The smile that formed on my face was wide and involuntary when I saw Edward sat in the centre of my bed, eyes closed and still as a statue. I felt my heart speed up at the sight of him; he looked serene, the dark circles under his eyes now gone, his clothes fresh, and she small smile on his lips hinting at knowledge of my reaction. I stepped into the room, barely registering the door closing behind me and the lock clicking in place. Before I could even blink he was in front of me, taking his hands in mine, the cold temperature of his skin quickly chased away by the warmth his touch bought me. I wondered if it would always be that way, and I found myself hoping it would as he led me to my bed, sitting down next to me and burying his face in my hair.

 ‘Hmm I will never get used to how wonderfully sweet you smell to me, Y/N.’ His voice was a purr against my neck as he placed a kiss to the hollow of my throat. My eyes closed, the pleasure his touch bought too potent to fight.

 ‘Before we get too carried away and lost in the moment, there are some things we need to discuss,’ he said, his voice light but I could detect the importance behind his words.

 I turned my head to look him in the eyes; the butterscotch color that greeted me was so smooth I felt my heart melting in my chest, as I got lost in his hypnotic gaze. He chuckled, his fingers gently caressing my cheek before his hands found mine as if he were restraining us both in his iron clad grip.

 ‘There are some thoughts I heard in Volterra and again on the way home that have me concerned.’ His eyes conveyed his worry, ‘the idea that I could ever be bored of you, Y/N, is so ludicrous that I cannot quite put it into words. I have tried to pin point the moment I fell in love with you hundreds, if not thousands of times, but I remain unsuccessful because I cannot remember a time that I didn’t love you with every fiber of my being. I’ve never loved someone like this before, so I have nothing to compare it to, but I’m certain that it isn’t the type of love that you ever grow bored of.’ His disbelief at the notion simply couldn’t be faked, not that well, even by Edward, ‘my reluctance to turn you into a vampire has more to do with me not wanting to risk your soul. I believe that we as creatures are cursed to eternal damnation, that our souls are condemned the moment we are bitten, and to doom you to that same fate… I couldn’t do that to you, Y/N, no matter how wonderful the idea of forever with you is.’

 ‘You really love me?’ I asked, my voice not holding as much disbelief a once had over the topic, ‘you would have me forever? You’re not saying this because you feel indebted to me?’

 He chuckled, his honey eyes dancing with mirth as he lifted a hand to ruffle my hair before dropping it to rest on top of mine again, ‘of course not, silly girl. I wouldn’t pretend to be in love with someone because they saved my life, perhaps I would offer the ability to call in a favour, but that’s it. And as for forever, the idea of it doesn’t sound so daunting if you were there to share it with me, but I wouldn’t, couldn’t do that to you.’

 I was silent for a long moment as I took in the sincerity of his words, and the epiphany hit me so quickly and unexpectedly that I felt like I’d been punched in the ribs. I remembered all the times almost eight months ago now, before he left, when I’d swear Edward was staring at me, only to look up and see him looking in the complete opposite direction, with a smile on his face and a soft look in his beautiful golden eyes. I remembered the times that I’d been having a horrible day at school and something small but significant to me had happened to improve my mood—the red velvet cupcake in my locker after I’d got my period in gym—the offer to write me a copy of his notes after I’d been close to tears of frustration at being unable to keep up with the teacher—those were only a few examples, of course. All things he’d done to make my day better, to help me in any way he could. How had I not seen it sooner? Why had I let my own insecurities convince me that I’d never been worthy of his love? Because it was clear to me now, the epiphany cleared my vision and allowed me to see the truth, uncorrupted by my self-destructive thoughts: Edward loved me as much as I loved him. The love in his warm eyes and his dazzling smile confirmed it.

 After that topic was discussed we somehow found ourselves lying in my bed. I was underneath the blue sheets while Edward lay on top, the thin cotton providing a little resistance to the cold emanating from the vampire, not that I minded. My head rested against his chest and my right hand was entwined with his left, as we both seemed to delight in playing with each other’s fingers.

 ‘There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.’ I murmured, keeping my eyes on his hand in mine.

 He sighed, already knowing what I was going to ask, I wanted to hear his explanation, to know why he had done what he had done, ‘when Rosalie told me that Alice had a vision of you drowning and I called Charlie and that boy seemed to confirm it, I was beside myself with grief. I’d already been in bad shape, trying to keep away from you, but learning that you were dead… I couldn’t bear it. It may seem an overreaction seeing as you didn’t even know of my feelings for you, but I’ve loved you for so long, and taking myself away from you for your own safety was like losing a part of my heart. It was a constant ache that I couldn’t soothe, but that was nothing to how it felt when I thought you were gone. My heart felt completely and utterly… void, as if you’d taken it with you to whatever afterlife you’d gone. A part of me liked the idea of that, that you had my core with you, wherever you were. But the majority of me was smothered with an emptiness that burned from the inside out, and I knew I couldn’t possibly face an eternity of that feeling. That was why I decided to go to Italy, to end my own life, because I selfishly couldn’t bear the thought of the pain, but also because a small secret part of me hoped we would be reunited in another life. I do believe that our souls are cursed to damnation from the first bite, but that didn’t stop me from wishing that I could see you again, to reveal my feelings…’ he paused, tilting my chin up with a cool, long and gentle finger. He wiped away the tears that had fallen, ‘I’m incredibly grateful that I have had the opportunity to be honest with you and to show you how loved, adored and cherished you are, so long as you want me.’

 ‘I’ll always want you, Edward.’ I said, my voice ringing with a finality that made his eyes soften with awe, ‘that will never change.’

 He didn’t say anything, because nothing needed to be said. After a while, I felt myself fighting sleep, not wanting to miss a moment of the perfect serenity I felt in his company, especially now I was sure it was real. But Edward knew, of course, and he picked up one of the books I had piled on my bedside table and started to quietly read to me, his voice wrapping around the words like velvet, the softness impossible to resist. I found myself idly wondering how he knew that his voice relaxed me to the point of contentedness, but I was too far-gone to voice it as sleep claimed me.

 //

 ‘This is ridiculous! Who cares about a play Shakespeare wrote two hundred years ago?’ I groaned, my head hitting the desk in front of me with more force than necessary, but I hardly noticed the pain—Othello had already given me a headache, what was a little more?

 Edward chuckled, his cool, soft touch moving up and down my spine in a comforting gesture. It had been a few weeks since Italy and we were both back in school, him falling into the curriculum with ease while I was struggling even though I hadn’t missed any classes.

 ‘He’s not so bad, love.’ His cheek rested against mine as I lifted my head, and I had to take a moment to get used to the sweet, comforting scent that was encircled around me.

 I sighed, feeling my body meld to his as he wrapped his arm around my waist, I turned my head and rested it against his shoulder, wondering how long I could get away with avoiding the literature in front of me. I much preferred being in Edward’s arms to trying to decipher the old English in front of me. The vampire chuckled at my actions, and my thoughts too knowing him, and held me tighter. I felt him kiss my hair and take a deep inhale. The contented sound, too low for others to hear, made my heart skip a beat—I could’ve sworn I felt him smile against my scalp when he heard it.

 All too soon Edward leaned me away from him and I straightened with a reluctant sigh, knowing he wouldn’t be releasing me unless it was necessary. And sure enough, the teacher was returning to the classroom, photocopies for his next lecture in hand. The kiss Edward placed on my forehead lessened my frustration a little, and when he pulled away we shared a genuine, happy smile before we returned to the essay question we’d been given.

 ‘Seriously is this even English?’ I rubbed at my temples, knowing I was going to have one hell of a headache before this class was even over.

 ‘Just focus on the key words in the question, and put together what they want you to say from that.’ At my confused look he elaborated, managing to explain it in a way I understood. I could have kissed him, but I didn’t, instead I looked back down to my paper, hoping he didn’t notice the blush on my cheeks.

 We hadn’t actually kissed yet, not properly anyway. I didn’t know why, because in every other way each movement was natural in a way that felt like we’d been together for years rather than weeks. It might have been my fault—I’d never been in a relationship before, and I’d certainly never kissed anyone. So I might have been subconsciously avoiding it out of fear of doing it wrong, of being awful at it. But that was crazy, right? I mean, everyone had to have their first kiss sometime and as long as it was with the right person, someone who cared about you as much as you did them, then a little potential awkwardness was nothing to be afraid of. Logically, I knew that, but I was a coward and inexperienced, so I didn’t want to be the one to make the first move—especially not at school. People were still staring, partly because the Cullen’s were back—well Alice and Edward were, the rest had “graduated” almost a year ago—and partly because I was the Swan Edward was holding hands with in the halls now. I hadn’t actually heard anyone talking about it, nor had I had anyone directly ask me anything, but I knew they were talking about it. I didn’t want to know what they were saying, because I couldn’t imagine any of them were nice things, but I felt more like an animal in a zoo than I did human these days. So first kiss at school was completely out of the question, even if being around Edward was like being in our own specially designed indestructible bubble. I didn’t want them to have any more ammunition than they already had.

 The bell rang as I was finishing up my last sentence and Edward waited patiently for me to pack up before taking my backpack and my hand. On our way to the cafeteria my sister passed us, heading in the direction of the exit, I frowned and was about to call out to her when my vampire whispered an explanation in my ear.

 ‘Jacob’s come to meet her for lunch, don’t worry she’s not ditching.’ He placed a kiss behind my ear before pulling back and any trace of concern I’d had was replaced by a pleasant tingle where his lips had touched my skin.

 ‘I still don’t understand what happened there, you know.’ I murmured too low for other eavesdropping students to hear, but Edward wasn’t any other student.

 ‘Bella knew that our relationship wasn’t genuine, she went along with it because she hated the other male attention she was getting from students she wasn’t interested in. She noticed the other human’s reluctance to be near us and figured I’d be good at keeping any unwanted admirers at bay.’ He whispered into my ear, placing random food items on the tray I was carrying for the “both” of us.

 ‘Okay… it just seems a little extreme, especially after what happened last spring.’ He knew what I was referring to, and his eyes tightened slightly as he remembered James, Laurent and Victoria. His response was low as we took our seats at our usual table, Alice was already there, her eyes lighting up at our approach.

 ‘That was an unforeseen circumstance, those vampires weren’t supposed to pass through our territory and changed their mind at the last second.’ He said, his words coated with guilt even though nothing had actually happened, ‘we dealt with them, anyway, there and then. I’m just relieved you weren’t there. If James, the tracker had smelt your blood and seen my protectiveness over you… it could have turned into a game for him.’

 I nodded, smiling as he slid my seat closer to him so the left side of my body was in line with his right. His arm settled over my shoulders and I reached forward to grab a banana from the tray of food that settled on the table in between us.

 ‘Can I ask you something? And will you be completely honest with me, even if you think it’ll hurt my feelings?’ I asked, my voice quiet as I looked in between both Alice and Edward.

 It was about Bella. My sister’s dismissal and lack of interest in my life had been playing on my mind a lot lately. Had she always had this attitude towards me, and I’d just been too lost in being the protective older sister that I hadn’t noticed? Edward of course heard the question before I voiced it out loud and the sadness that swirled in his honey colored eyes told me the answer before his musical voice could deliver it. He kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek, before Alice’s soft; wind chime bell voice broke the moment.

 ‘Bella has never shown any kind of interest in your well-being, Y/N, in the moments I’ve seen between the two of you now and in the future.’ I could hear the sadness in her voice as well and I bit my lip in an attempt to keep the tears at bay.

 How could it be? Had I done something wrong? Something she couldn’t forgive me for? I racked my brains, but I couldn’t think of anything, except Edward, but I knew they’d never loved each other that way, and she was definitely in love with the werewolf so what was it?

 ‘It was nothing you did, love.’ He kissed my hair again, his soft voice murmuring into the dark strands, ‘you’re not responsible for her decisions or her feelings, do you understand? It’s her loss and you have plenty of others who love you like a sister, some a daughter and one who loves you with every fiber of his existence.’

 A wave of pure happiness washed over me as I looked in between the two Cullen’s. They were right, what was one person’s lack of love in the face of a whole family who cared for me as their own? I decided then and there that Bella’s decision to treat me as a stranger rather than a sister would never bother me again, because I had all the family I could ever need, and the love of a man who was more perfect than I deserved. I was the luckiest human in the world.

 //

 The rest of the day flew by and I was so relieved—we only had a few more weeks left until graduation and I could have a break from the headaches the exams were bringing me. As Edward and I drove to his house—my request as I knew Charlie would be at work and Bella would probably be at the reservation—I wondered if I’d have another chance to graduate school. As a vampire. I wondered if I’d have the chance to graduate enough times to the point where I’d be able to face the curriculum, exams, with the same casual confidence that Edward and the rest of the Cullen’s could.

 It wasn’t as if I’d never considered it before, and despite Edward’s assurance that the Volturi wouldn’t come to check my mortality any time soon; I found myself picturing it more than I ever had. It used to be that I would dream of it, dream of being with Edward forever, to have him look at me like he loved me, and I would wake up and reality would shine down on me as the sun rose behind the clouds. At that point I’d force the secret desire down, ashamed to feel such a way about my sister’s boyfriend. But now I knew my feelings were returned, it was hard not to think about my future with the vampire, and no matter how many times I thought about it, my desire to join him as an immortal didn’t change.

 I knew he didn’t want that, because of my soul, but I also knew that this didn’t just involve him anymore, it involved all of the Cullen’s. All of the ones I’d considered as family when I’d first met them over a year ago. They all—except for Rosalie—had accepted me a lot faster than my sister. At the time I hadn’t understood why, but I’d come to learn it was because Alice’s visions assured that I was going to be a member of the family soon, while Bella was not. And now I worried about when the Volturi would come, would Edward’s inherent desire to keep me human result in the destruction of the family I’d barely had the time to get to know?

 We arrived at the white mansion in the woods and Edward was opening my door for me before I had even unclipped my seatbelt. I offered him a thankful smile as I climbed from the car and took his hand. He returned it, but I didn’t reach his eyes—I knew that meant he’d been listening to my thoughts and he wasn’t fond of what he had heard. I kissed his cheek, and tugged him lightly; he released a breath and led me into the house. It was quiet when we entered and he revealed that Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie were on a hunting trip in Mount Rainer, while Esme and Carlisle had gone away to visit friends in Alaska for the weekend.

 ‘Do you need to hunt?’ I asked, my fingers tracing the barely noticeable circles that were starting to form underneath his eyes—his orbs were still golden, but were darker like honeycomb rather than the butterscotch shade that meant his thirst was satiated. It wasn’t something you’d notice unless you knew what you were looking for.

 ‘I’m fine, they’ve only gone for a chance to hunt something other than deer and elk.’ He smirked, kissing the palm of the hand that still lingered on his perfect face, ‘if I get thirsty I’ll be out and back within an hour.’

 I smiled, my eyes falling to his lips and my earlier thoughts popped back into my head. My heart picked up and my breath got caught in my throat, before I could shake my head to clear it of my errant thoughts, Edward’s cool hands placed mine on his shoulders. I gripped him there and shivered in pleasure when his touch glided down the exposed skin of my arms, to my waist, where he pulled me closer. I didn’t know what was happening, but I didn’t have the concentration power to ponder it, as the warmth his touch left behind was distracting me. My eyes fluttered shut when his forehead fell against my own. I could feel the coolness of his body, the sweetness of his breath, and his scent surrounded me to the point of my mind being overwhelmed with him.

 When his lips met mine, soft, icy and tentative I swear I was incapable of coherent thought. All I could think about was how wonderful and right his mouth felt moving against mine. As the kiss progressed, his tentativeness melted away and turned into something more sure, more passionate and fiery. A sound echoed in the high ceilinged room, but I was too lost to wonder if that sound came from me. My hands moved of their own accord and slid into his soft bronze hair, attempting to pull him closer than he already was. I was aware of my lungs burning in my chest, but having Edward so close was beyond intoxicating, and so I was incapable of pondering what that meant. My vampire’s hands moved to mine in his hair and gently but firmly broke my hold. After another moment, his lips stopped in their movement and he pulled an inch away from me, allowing the opportunity to breathe. It was then that I realized how much I needed oxygen as my lungs pulled the air in as quickly as possible. My forehead fell to his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around my waist as he too caught his breath. He recovered before I did and lifted me up to sit on the couch in the living room with me on his lap. It felt like it took longer than it did, but eventually my breathing returned to normal and I leaned back, staring into his eyes as an unstoppable thought echoed through my mind.

 That was my first kiss ever and my first last kiss.

 ‘That was…wow.’ I blushed at my incapability to adequately put the kiss into words, but I wasn’t going to try when I knew it was fruitless.

 ‘I couldn’t agree with you more, love.’ His smile was dazzling and I felt myself beam in response to his happiness.

 I slid to his side so that we could watch the TV together, ignoring the desire to press my lips to his; I needed to be good. I knew how difficult it was for him to touch me in the simplest of ways, and I know if I’d been the vampire in that interaction, I would have had great difficulty concentrating on not hurting him while my thoughts were overwhelmed with desire. That was why I rarely initiated any touches between us; I didn’t want to take him by surprise, I wanted him to be in complete control when he touched me, because it was him who had the most difficulty. I smiled when his lips kissed my hair, and snuggled closer into his side, sighing contentedly when he held me a little tighter. At around dinnertime I called Charlie and asked permission to sleep over at Alice’s. I lied and told him the rest of the family was camping this weekend and I wanted to keep her company. He bought it and I hung up as Edward rejoined me in the living room. My brows rose in pleasant surprise when I saw that he was carrying a bowl of cheesy pasta and a glass of water.

 ‘You cooked?’ I grinned at the bashful, proud expression on his face, ‘how?’

 ‘Learned from the cooking channel.’ He winked and I ignored the fact my heart skipped a beat as I accepted the meal from him. He settled next to me again, his arm around my shoulders as I ate.

 ‘There’s something I want to run by you.’ I admitted, placing my now empty bowl onto the coffee table next to my half empty glass of water, ‘I want to put up a vote. For me becoming a vampire.’

 I felt him stiffen and after stealing myself, I looked up at his expression. It was frozen in surprise, but I could see the horror and rage burning in his honeycomb eyes.

 ‘I know how you feel on the subject, and I know what your answer will be, but this is more than just me and you now, Edward. It involves everyone, and I will not put everyone in danger because of me.’ My voice was firm and sure; it was something I’d been thinking about for weeks now; whenever Edward wasn’t around to distract my thoughts. I knew what I wanted, I’d never been more sure of anything, and I wanted to start living that life. Not because I felt the pressure of the Volturi potentially popping by for a visit, but because I wanted an eternity with him. Call it irrational, call it too fast, but I didn’t care.

 He was silent for a long moment, his eyes observing my expression and listening to the thoughts in my mind. Eventually the hardness around his eyes thawed and he nodded once, clearly not happy, but he respected my decision. I smiled, more than grateful for his attitude and kissed the palm of the hand that was resting over my shoulders. I knew he’d argue the opposing side, and I was fine with that, because I knew either way, vampire or not, he would be by my side loving me as I love him. And that’s all that mattered.

 //

 Epilogue: ten years later.

 After the Cullen’s had voted in favour of me becoming immortal 5-2, I’d been turned at the end of July. Between graduation and then, quite a few things had happened. Edward had presented me with a proposition. He’d asked me to marry him in exchange for him turning me into a vampire instead of Carlisle. What had surprised him was my willingness to do that—despite my Mom and Dad’s failed marriage, I’d always dreamed of finding my own husband one day. Of finding the perfect man for me to spend the rest of my life with, and after joking with Edward that I’d expected a proper proposal rather than a business deal from an old-fashioned gentleman, he’d grinned and promised to make it up to me.

 Not two days later he took me to a meadow he’d discovered in the forest. The moon was high enough in the sky to brighten the field for us, and it created a perfectly romantic ambiance. We’d had a picnic in the moonlight, a few battery operated candles also placed in the grass to allow my less sensitive eyes better sight. When I’d finished the delicious sandwiches that he’d once again prepared, he pulled me to my feet before he himself dropped to one knee. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me that night—his eyes had been softer than honey and shone with so much love and adoration that my knees felt weak. He promised to love me forever and asked me to marry him. I’d of course said yes, jumping into his arms and kissing him passionately. He’d chuckled and placed a finger to my lips as I’d been about to apologise for hurdling myself at him when I knew how careful he tried to be. All thoughts of apologies melted from my mind as I watched him slide the ring onto my finger—it was a white gold emerald cut ring, the centre stone was topaz in colour and there were white diamonds on either side. The yellow stone reminded me of his eyes and he’d sheepishly chuckled and admitted that was why he’d chosen it, because he wanted me to have a reminder of him with me always.

 We’d officially tied the knot in July at the Cullen property. It had been a very small, intimate wedding, despite Alice’s desire to expand the guest list. There weren’t more than fifty people in attendance, and it couldn’t have been more perfect. Alice of course organized everything—I hadn’t trusted anyone else to pull together a wedding in such a short space of time, and I certainly had no idea where to start. Other than asking Alice to be my maid of honour and Rosalie to be a bridesmaid, seeing as she was more of a sister than Bella was, even if she didn’t like me very much, I’d given up the reins completely to the psychic vampire. Charlie and Renée had been in attendance, but Bella hadn’t been invited. Edward and Alice had asked me numerous times if I was sure of that decision, but I knew I was. She wasn’t my family and she hadn’t been for a long time, she had made that decision and I was simply respecting her wishes. And as I’d realized all those weeks ago— your family didn’t have to be the ones you were biologically related to.

 My dress had been magnificent; it was form fitting and yet not so tight that I couldn’t walk properly. It was overlaid with lace and held a mixture of vintage and modern; a perfect representation of Edward and I. Alice and Rosalie both wore baby pink floor length dresses, the silk material being simple and yet elegant. Jasper and Emmett had led their respective partners down the isle, with the curly haired vampire being Edward’s best man. Charlie walked me down the isle and Carlisle officiated the wedding—I’d suggested to my vampire that having someone we both loved officiate the ceremony would make it that much more meaningful, and he’d agreed. There had been no question over whom we would ask, and the emotion that had overcome the eldest Cullen’s face when we’d asked would be something I’d never forget.

 After Edward and I had officially been joined in holy matrimony, we’d left the very same night to enjoy our honeymoon. Edward had insisted on surprising me with the location and I’d been happy to let him have the responsibility—all of the ideas I had were places that were known for rain. I figured that would be best with my husband being a vampire; I didn’t want him to spend the three weeks confined to the indoors, only to come out at night. However, I didn’t need to worry about that as he had taken me to Isle Esme, a gift from Carlisle just off the coast of Brazil. The privacy meant we could be out in the sunlight as often as we wanted and I was grateful for that as we spent most of our days hiking, swimming in the ocean or lying on the beach.

 Despite the traditions of a “honeymoon” we didn’t take that step during our three-week blissful vacation. I knew how difficult it would be for him and I told him I had none of those expectations because of that reason. I didn’t want him to wonder if my lack of interest had anything other underlying reasons behind it. Because it wasn’t that I was uninterested— in fact, I was very much looking forward to being able to be with him in that way, but I didn’t want to push it. Though I trusted him completely, I knew he’d never forgive himself if he slipped even for a second and accidentally hurt me. But I didn’t need sex to feel close to him. For the entire vacation we were attached at the hip, whether it was holding hands, or me sitting in his lap with his arms wrapped around me, we were never not touching. It was wonderful.

 Unfortunately, it couldn’t last forever and when we returned back to Forks Edward and I took some time to visit Charlie before we went to Alaska for “collage”. It was nice to see him again and remind him I would always love him as I said goodbye at the doorstep of the home I’d grown up in. Bella hadn’t been there and when I’d asked Charlie told me she was on a trip with Jacob, but that suited me just fine; her absence meant our farewell wasn’t tainted by disdainful glances.

 Upon arriving in Alaska, I realized the house we moved into was of the same interior style to the one in Washington and it was hard not to find the familiar decoration comforting. The whole family was reunited upon the move as a new state meant the opportunity to start over, though it was believed I wouldn’t be able to leave the house for a few years as I mastered my thirst and ability to resist human blood. Edward had changed me on the last day of July—the last thing I saw, before the pain became so unbearable that focusing on something else was impossible, was the honeycomb eyes of my husband, full of love, adoration and remorse. The pain burned consistently for what felt like longer than the three days I was promised, but I knew Edward never left my side as screams passed through my lips despite my attempts to hold them in.

 He held my hand through it all, and when I woke up to face my new life, his face was the first thing I saw. I remember being completely amazed by his magnificent beauty as I looked at him through my new eyes—it had been like seeing him for the first time. The hand that wasn’t being held in his reached up and traced over his cheek gently, mindful of the extra strength I’d been warned about, and a gasp had left my lips at the feel of his skin against mine. It felt smoother somehow, and warmer. He’d smiled and reminded me that we were the same temperature now and I returned the gesture, reaching up and pulling his mouth down to mine. We kissed passionately for a moment and when we parted I told him I loved him. He had beamed with happiness and hugged me to his chest, inhaling my scent and relaxing for what I was sure had been the first time in three days.

 Carlisle, Esme and Jasper had joined us then. The former couple welcoming me to the family while the latter eyed me warily. I’d frowned in confusion, and a little offense, until I’d realized what had caused his behaviour—I was the newborn, he was expecting me to be bloodthirsty and irrational. As that thought crossed my mind I became aware of the burning in my throat—I felt like I hadn’t had a drink in weeks and I knew what I needed. Edward smiled comfortingly and I relaxed at once as he announced that we were going hunting. That had been incredible. Running through the forests in my new home had been thrilling, my enhanced senses making it more beautiful than I’d thought possible. Hunting didn’t take as long as I’d thought, and after drinking a few bears and a moose, I felt full and the burning in my throat was none existent. As we’d returned to the house, racing with Edward, I was overjoyed at how happy and content I felt—this was the life I was destined to live. I was certain of it.

 I blinked out of my trip down memory lane as someone gently but firmly kicked my leg under the table. I looked up to see Jasper cocking his brow at me in question—he’d probably felt the thirst I’d been remembering as I woke up as a newborn. I shook my head in answer to his silent inquiry and went back to picking apart the cookie on my plate that I of course had no desire to eat. Edward and Emmett hadn’t joined us at the table yet—their class had been on the other side of campus and they had to move at a human pace to get here, so the four of us usually beat them. My lips pursed as my gaze flickered out of the window and when I saw the snow that was falling in thick flakes to the ground, my lips twitched as I fought a smile.

 ‘Your doing?’ Alice asked, her lips not even moving as she followed my gaze.

 ‘Maybe.’ I grinned.

 That was something I’d discovered in my first few years—I could influence the elements, including being able to change the weather whenever I wanted. I didn’t do it often, as Carlisle had pointed out that constant and unpredictable changes in weather were bound to draw attention and obviously, that wasn’t okay. So I only ever gave into the desire once every few months, otherwise I restricted my influence behind closed doors where no one else was aware. It was fun, but beyond anything else it relaxed me and provided a healthy outlet for any emotions I couldn’t express otherwise. Of course Jasper would have helped if I asked, but I wanted to feel my grief, not have it taken away.

 ‘The first snowfall of the year. It’s pretty, too bad it’s going to be washed away by rain tomorrow,’ Alice commented, her eyes lingering on the scenery outside before she looked over to me, worry shining in her black eyes. We were all thirsty today, which was why Jasper in particular was on edge. Thirst was actually something I handled quite will and within I few months of being newborn, I’d enrolled in high school as a freshman as soon as my eyes darkened to gold.

 ‘I’m okay, Alice.’ I murmured, knowing if any humans were looking in our direction they wouldn’t even be able to see my lips moving.

 ‘No you’re not. You don’t have to lie to us, Y/N.’ Jasper replied, his foot finding mine underneath the table again and giving me a playful nudge.

 ‘I know, I’m sorry,’ I bit my lip, grateful crying wasn’t possible, ‘I just didn’t think it would happen this soon.’

 ‘I’m sorry, Y/N.’ Rosalie said, placing a hand over one of mine. I smiled gratefully, happy that the blonde had warmed up to me over the years. It would have sucked spending an eternity with her hating me.

 ‘Thank you, Rose.’ My head rested on her shoulder for a moment as I hugged her from the side. I sat up afterwards, being sure to move at a human pace—it was simply too easy to move at vampire speed.

 ‘How do you feel about shopping tomorrow after school?’ Alice asked and I bit back a groan.

‘I have homework.’ I said, it was a poor excuse and she knew it—I had plenty of time to finish any homework I might be assigned, so realistically I was free as a bird.

‘Nice try. You need new clothes, the trends are changing and you’ll start sticking out soon.’ She grinned in victory when my shoulders slumped in defeat.

‘Fine.’ I threw a cookie crumb at her, laughing when she caught it without an issue.

I didn’t notice the small smiles that formed on the faces of my family at the sound—I’d been down ever since I’d found out that Charlie had passed away. It had been a total shock, healthy one day and the next he’d had a fatal heart attack. Edward had held me for four hours straight when I found out, not once did he complain, he gave me all the time I needed as my body shook with sobs. It had been a few months since I’d got the news now and I was starting to come out from underneath the dark cloud of grief, much to the relief of my family. They hated seeing me so forlorn.

My head snapped up almost too quickly as I caught Edward’s scent as he entered the Cafeteria, our brother trailing behind him and laughing his booming laugh at something the bronze haired vampire had said. Seeing them joking around together made me smile and when Edward winked in my direction my head ducked bashfully. I heard Emmett making a joke at my expense, amused I could still be modest after ten years, and I bit back a grin when I heard the curly haired brother masking a sound of pain, indicating my vampire had taken a jab at him. I felt myself relax down to my bones when Edward slid into the empty seat to my left, his right arm automatically wrapping around my shoulders.

‘How was class?’ I asked, entwining my fingers with his where they rested on my shoulder. His free hand was idly pushing food around on his tray as Emmett answered on his behalf.

‘Actually interesting. The new girl was snuggling up awful close to your husband there, sister.’ He winked, his grin growing at my frown of annoyance.

‘What new girl?’ I was surprised I’d missed the news, it was rare for new students to enroll here—not many people willingly wanted to go to school where it was freezing more often than it was warm.

‘Jody Hendricks.’ Edward murmured, the corners of his mouth falling in distaste, ‘I didn’t speak a word to her but she wouldn’t shut up for the whole class.’

‘I see,’ my eyes darted around the room as my irritation grew—I wasn’t usually the jealous type, but I blamed my short fuse on my grief.

It wasn’t hard to find her for two reasons: first, almost everyone was staring at her. Second she was staring at my husband. A growl formed at the back of my throat, too low for any humans to hear, but definitely loud enough for my family to pick up on. Emmett and Jasper snorted in amusement, but I didn’t pay them any mind as Edward’s hand came up to caress the side of my cheek, effortlessly earning my attention. His gentle touch erased the death stare that had been present on my expression meer moments before, and melt into something much softer. When I saw the amusement in his dark eyes I felt embarrassment wash through me like a tidal wave: what had I been doing? Of course I knew I had nothing to be worried about, but emotions were irrational and I’d been overcome with the jealous feeling before I’d been able to consider the ludicrousness behind it.

My thoughts were silenced as Edward’s lips moved against mine suddenly. The kids was deliberate, allowing anticipation to build between us like a slow building fire, and just when I was starting to forget where we were he pulled away, placing a kiss to my forehead. My smile was genuine and soft as I looked up into his eyes, that mirrored the same gentleness. The onyx orbs shimmered with adoration as he stared back, meeting my gaze head on. Immortality had been everything I’d hoped it would be and more, which I hadn’t thought would be possible, but it was. My love for Edward had only grown and flourished, as had the love I held for the rest of my family. Without a doubt I had been born to be a vampire, this is where I belonged, surrounded by my adopted family and in my husband’s arms. Here, I was home. And I couldn’t imagine that would ever change, even if I lived for an eternity.

SnK 130 Thoughts

My opening joke is going to be a brief description of Historia’s circumstances, because it requires no creative energy on my part to make it a joke.

To review!

107 introduces the concept of Historia being a breeding factory. This is suggested as part of Zeke’s 50-year plan to establish Paradis without it being genocided to death. At the end of 107, present-day Historia is shown to be pregnant.

At the very beginning of 108, the Military Police openly discuss how this is kind of weird. And while the mood is largely in favor of Historia having children so the Founding Titan stays in Paradis control, she’s having a child at a very inconvenient time for everyone, because she’s supposed to eat Zeke before he can cause trouble.

In 114, it is revealed that Zeke’s actual plan is to sterilize all Eldians so they die off and stop being a problem. By virtue of five seconds of pondering, this falls apart when you consider that Zeke’s plan is the beginning of Historia being prepped to breed children. Having any royal children would actively interfere with Zeke’s ability to guarantee that his choices for the Founding Titan would be the last.

In 130, Historia is shown to still be going along with the 50-year concept, and no one is stopping her except Eren, who is against Zeke’s sterilization plan (which a child would stop), and who says that Historia making this kind of choice is what’s driving him to genocide.

To which Historia suggests a baby.

-draws a line back to 107-

-underlines Eren’s angry feelings about all of this-

This would make sense if it were live action and the actress were pregnant.

Not within the story or anything.

But an explanation would at least exist.

I should take up drinking. Or cocaine. Or something.

There’s virtually zero content this chapter. Half of it is just Eren going on rampage. This is how you know it’s the end of a volume for a story that’s ending. The subtle ways the story beats come firing at a machine gun’s pace before slowing to a deliberately controlled crawl.

Surprise, Liberio’s no longer a factor!

-surprised Pikachu faces-

-everyone officially burnt out on violence-

-except Eren-

-this is a problem because Eren is indeed causing the most violence, and violence would probably be a great help in stopping him, so having someone on that boat thinking they should just fucking stab him would be just a little encouraging that’s all I’m saying-

Then we dash straight into a slightly more visible flashback to Eren’s memories of the future being unlocked, and get to the development of his genocide plan.

It isn’t much of a plan.

It mostly still involves genocide.

But worse.

He’s basically going to do what Karl did, only when he tells people on Paradis that all the humans beyond their borders are dead, he won’t be lying. He is keeping the genocide and the mind-wiping, though. In this spirit of how well that worked out previously.

This is a choice.

A bad one.

Even by Eren’s current standards.

This is especially impressive given that he has none.

Alrighty then. Uh.

Here we have Eren’s mission statement. That’s nice?

“The only way to put a final end to the cycle of revenge born from hate... is to remove that history of hate from this world and bury it in the ground, civilization and all.”

Legitimately, Eren’s entire plan amounts to, “The First King was right about everything except not actually making us the last humans alive on the planet.”

See, Zeke’s plan of killing all Eldians off is evil and bad, and Eren is disgusted at the very idea of going along with it.

Eren’s plan of killing everyone else off, regardless of who they are, is a good one.

As is manipulating all of his friends into following it, telling them he hates them, fairly directly letting one of them know this is basically all her fault, and.

.

Look, I’m sorry, but what the fuck?

I mean.

Fuck, do I have to go full Madoka on main?

Here is a brief summary of the third Madoka Magica movie, for those who do not understand the reference: Person who has spent her entire life torturing herself to save one girl feels like she didn’t save the one girl hard enough, and compensates for this mental breakdown by turning into the literal Devil.

These are decisions that can be explained by trauma. The character in question has been through a lot, and arguing that she’s too emotionally stable to undo the universe is harder to do than it feels like it should be.

She still takes the established order of the series and 90% of the movie and drops it in the shredder, leaving the characters who are around and aware of this move to stare, aghast, as the new world order is established.

To catch up the uninitiated, when the new world order is established in the series, it’s a happy ending that ties up all the struggles everyone has been through. Not necessarily neatly, but they’re honored, and the cast continues on.

The new world order of the movie is one character screaming “NO” in various cries for help as she pounds her heart into the pavement and the pavement is everyone else’s quality of life.

..

Anyway, the current reason everyone on the planet hates Paradis enough to attack it is because Eren publicly murdered civilians at a festival with international significance, including the one Eldian in the world with good publicity.

Things weren’t pretty for anyone, but Eren snatches the ball out of the court and throws it into the backyard with vicious guard dogs. He decides to bring everyone into a war, and he decides the initial terms. He makes a violent declaration, and ever since, the story has been devoted to people catching up to him to ask what the fuck his problem is.

As opposed to the usual routine of catching up to him to steal him back from whoever’s kidnapping him that week.

Eren’s the direct cause of this mess.

Fucking Marley doesn’t help, what with their hundred years of brainwashing and titanizing to actively keep the hate of Paradis alive -- but Eren’s the one who turns it into an issue of national immediacy when everyone around him is trying to find more time.

All the while going, “look what you made me do”

Right.

Where it breaks down for me isn’t that it makes no sense for Eren to have fallen this far. This entire series has been destroying him one piece at a time, and I do feel like you could have a very powerful conclusion with Humanity’s Hope turning to Humanity’s Despair, and the people he once inspired having to bear the torch themselves instead of forcing one person to carry their entire future.

Hell, that could still happen. I would still love an ending where Mikasa wraps the scarf around Eren, and he’s finally saved from himself.

What’s aggravating is that as many ominous hints as we’ve gotten about Eren’s monstrous nature throughout the series, there’s just as much material of him loving his friends, and wanting them to be free and happy, and understanding that walls aren’t the only prison.

Angry Eren the Rage Boy is there. He’s even easy to understand, sometimes. OG Ymir’s history inspires a desire for death and destruction. It would be and is wrong, but the impulse isn’t difficult to parse.

He’s more than that. He stays up all night listening to Hange’s theories. Armin’s dreams of the sea catches his mind like wildfire. Fighting Annie even after she’s revealed to be someone who’s ruthlessly murdered his comrades is painful. He wants to believe Reiner and Bertolt are innocent even when they’re making the worst show of hiding it. He smiles every time he sees his friends genuinely happy.

Eren’s rage has always been a direct response to his views of the world. The slavers are monsters. He has no problem killing them. Titans are monsters. He wants them dead. He runs off in Trost and gets his leg chomped off because he’s so upset that a bit character we barely spend time with is being eaten.

“When we’re born... all of us... are free. People who reject that, no matter how strong they are... don’t matter.”

Since leaving his friends in Marley, Eren has rejected the freedom of every single one of them. He doesn’t tell them what he’s up to, but expects them to have his back. He pushes events into motion that nearly lead to all their deaths. He actively lies to Mikasa about how her brain functions. He tells Historia to get on board or have her memory wiped.

The rage and agony and helplessness Eren feels isn’t particularly strange, in my mind. He hasn’t coped with any of the manga’s arcs well, and the few victories he’s been part of have landed him in worse and worse places, emotionally.

The conclusions he’s reaching don’t work.

It isn’t that strange for people to not realize that they’re contradicting themselves, especially when they’re in this frame of mind, but Eren loves his damn friends.

Meanwhile, he’d find it easier to take if Mikasa were attached to him because her bloodline made her do it, but that’s.

Actually, no, that’s relevant.

Eren suggests plot magic chemistry before he considers that Mikasa actually loves him.

He’s a dying man.

He’s condemned himself already. It doesn’t matter what he does, as long as his friends are alive. Anything else -- everything else is secondary. They’ll be alive, and he’ll be dead, and it’s as simple as that.

But it isn’t like he doesn’t know right from wrong. This might be a wrong he can accept on his deathbed, but it’s undeniably wrong.

How horrific is it that people might be so attached to him that he can do all this, and they’ll still fight for him instead of putting him down like the monster he is?

Eren struggles with greys. If he’s willing to be the bad guy, it makes sense for him to commit. He’s rejecting freedom, so by his own rules, he doesn’t matter.

It would be so much easier for him if everyone else agreed on that point.

He seems to be doing what he can to make that happen.

...But that’s just whimsical speculation born of profound pity more than anything. I still have trouble figuring out what his deal is. He’s eviscerating his friends in the name of them surviving, but he still terms his want as them having “long, happy lives.” While actively interfering with both those aims.

This chapter doesn’t seem to leave much room for a secret other plan that Eren is secretly putting into action. That’s been my hope from the beginning, and pretty much every bit of my confusion here is why. The majority of the conflict here comes from Eren deliberately fucking things up. It’s like he accidentally poisoned a bunch of people by using the wrong chemicals to clean up the dead body of the person he killed who totally deserved it, and figured the best following response was to repeat the process.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the Eren we’re starting to see looks broken beyond all repair, and we’re missing the breaking point. We can puzzle out possibilities and trauma, but at the end of the day he has chosen such a destructive route that it needs more justification within the story.

Personally, I think that this Eren is buying into his own bad press so completely that he’s stopped giving himself freedom. That is my most established take.

The fact that that read play in nicely with Mikasa wrapping the scarf around him and taking him home has very little to do with that except that’s where my brain spends most of its time now, I guess.

.

.

AND NOW WE’RE BACK TO HISTORIA BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I EVER GET TO HAVE A SINGLE MOMENT OF PEACE.

Hell.

I am tired of going over all the ways in which this does not make sense. I am, perhaps, equally tired of how every single time the pregnancy subplot comes up, it manages to get worse.

‘what oh noooo she’s being used to breed an army of royal babies who will eat their mother’ ‘wait nooo she manipulated a guilty childhood bully into fucking her so zeke could live for some strange reason’ ‘oh nooooooooes it turns out she actually goes and fucks npc farmer guy because zeke needs to live for eren to commit genocide and if she doesn’t let eren commit genocide that’s bad for some reason even if she was just saying it’s actually bad for him to commit genocide’

I.

????

Additionally, I realize this chapter has probably reinvigorated people’s theories that Eren is the father, which. um. continues the trend of being worse, because then you have Historia feeling like she’s backed into a corner where fucking the guy who’s about to commit genocide is her only option because if she can’t come up with some good excuse to not eat Zeke he’s going to wipe her memories.

(ETA: Hours later, I sit here remembering he can’t actually wipe her memories until after Zeke shows up. Oops. ...That somehow manages to make all of this make less sense.)

I deeply do not want to discuss that element.

I’m just bringing it up to establish that every way you spin Historia’s situation is fifty shades of rape, and it’s skeevy as fuck along with making no sense.

Glad to know that in two years, literally nothing has come along to make this better or more logical.

That’s vaguely true because it lends more credence to the idea that it’s all a lie, but at this point, the writing is breaking its own back bending over to try and make this work.

“If there is a most reliable way to make sure that this island lives on... I’ll go along with it. There was no other way... But... you defended me back then... everyone acted for my sake... That’s enough for me.”

I’m going to try to explain my problem with this without screaming.

I’m probably going to fail.

The thing is, Historia’s entire arc is about fighting fate.

Her entire arc is about undoing the cycle of abuse her family has perpetuated, breaking free of it to reclaim her identity as a person and forge a better future for the world.

She almost kills Eren for her father’s approval.

When she doesn’t, her commentary isn’t that it’s wrong, or ineffective (though she’s aware of both these elements).

She makes her case very succinctly.

“God?! What a load of bull!! You’re just saying whatever you can think of to manipulate me and save yourself!! That’s it, I’ve had enough! I won’t let you kill me!!”

Replace “save yourself” with something related to Eren, and we have the exact same plot beat we already had, for a character who’s already gone through it.

Historia’s lack of agency would be bad enough on its own.

The entire focus of the pregnancy subplot has been that it causes Eren angst.

We have not gotten Historia’s thought bubbles.

We have received her verbal compliance.

We have had her misery over her situation on display.

This is something for Eren to feel guilty and angry over, not something for Historia to interact with.

On its own, that’s bad.

When you have it attached to a character whose entire arc is about breaking damaging cycles and living a life designed by her own choices instead of following orders and roles, you have a problem.

Historia never tries to resist this fate. Not that we’re shown. She’s clearly terrified, even in the scene where she staidly offers acceptance, but Eren is the one to speak up. She’s miserable whenever we see her pregnant, but every scene with her involves her sadly going along with this thing she clearly does not want. Even when she asks Eren what he thinks about her having a child, she’s unhappy.

This is the first time she’s gotten dialogue of her own in two years.

The first little bit is her shrugging at her inevitable suffering.

The second bit is being appalled at Eren’s everything.

Then somehow we land at her proposing her inevitable suffering.

Which...

How does that help??? Anything???

My answer to that is that I’m Team Fake Pregnancy, and Historia is proposing a hypothetical thing where she ponders how her having a child would play out, but I’m sorry, what?

Eren’s upset about you losing your bodily autonomy.

Among other things, yes, but having a child you’re not enthusiastic about is the entire fucking ignition point of this fucking fuckening idiocy how is it that NEITHER OF YOU ARE IN POSSESSION OF YOUR SOLITARY BRAIN CELL WHAT IN THE  F U C K.

Even if you read it as Historia not having a child with the intent of future cannibalism, but simply having a child to get out of eating Zeke --

Holy fuck is that not better.

It’s still her feeling forced to have a kid because the alternative is lots of people dying.

She’s nineteen.

At the very fucking least this could have the decency to be her story, not a story built around making the main male lead angst enough to commit genocide. At the time of this writing, we are denied that, and while I don’t think this is totally beyond saving, the story the narrative is selling is inexcusable and insulting. The only room for improvement is if we’re actively being misled.

Which is a valid theory, but that doesn’t change my disgust at what we’re being told to believe.

Having Historia simply accept her fate is a sledgehammer to Historia’s entire character development, and Historia’s character development is a microcosm of the guiding themes of the main story. You can’t dethrone her without the manga’s entire thematic significance ringing false.

Also, while I’m here, Eren’s being a fucking prick.

In case that was somehow missed.

'hi historia friendly reminder that i’m only here to commit genocide because you saved my life because like you said you’re the worst’ ‘lol remember that time you said the titans should just kill everyone and i teased you and you said you were caught up in the heat of the moment well guess what i listened to you and everyone’s gonna die thx for the protips’

Anyway.

This is either really good or really bad.

Because Historia does some very stupid things. That is not a writing flaw, it’s a character flaw and feature. She’s impulsive and dumb and realizes things conflict with her principles nine steps into committing criminally negligent homicide, and if that’s how this is all justified...

Hell, I guess I’ll just be tired. Which I already am, so that’s. fine.

It’s funny. This is one of the times I could have gotten away with writing barely anything, since half the chapter is just trailer shots for Eren’s monster movie. Yet here we are, many words in.

I’ve thought a lot today on if I should keep reading or not. One of the things that got under my skin is that I’ve spent a long time coming up with ways for this all to turn out okay. I complain a lot, and certainly lose my temper, but I like to think I stick around because however bad this gets, I have faith that the story’s thesis is that beauty wins against cruelty.

If that’s the case, I want to be here to see it through. I want that high of things being okay when all signs point to nothing ever being okay again.

But it’s been a long day, and I’ve spent two years split between anger and hope that I’m not sure if I feel because I trust the story or if it’s become a habit I’m afraid to break.

Or if it’s because if I did give up, I’d feel insanely guilty for any of the times I’ve tried cheering people up over the bleak things going on in the manga.

I want this to be a happier story than anyone I know thinks it will turn out. I’m an optimist to a degree that people tolerate, but don’t find particularly realistic when gauged against the content.

The main character is on a genocidal march in the name of friends he has broken and betrayed. Friends who can still barely vocalize the option of putting him down.

I don’t know if I want to be here for this.

I don’t think I need to watch more cruelty unfold, no matter how much beauty survives it.

DLSU’s Strategic Plan is Lit

First Impressions

DLSU’s strategic plan is nothing short of brilliant. I don’t mean to compare our school to other schools (I actually do mean to), but I think that compared to The Areneo, DLSU has really thought through well their plans for the future, keeping in mind the well-being of key stakeholders. The strategic plan does not only cover the improvement of system processes for the welfare of the students; it also covers the localization of SDG projects to embody our school’s value of zeal for service, which I really, really admire.

Reader, if you would be so kind as to allow me to digress and say that it’s no wonder that DLSU was not a proponent of the academic freeze that students were clamoring for a while back. This strategic plan tells me that the administration has things under control. Things might have started out rocky, but they’ve managed pretty well so far, and now, their plans make me believe that things are only going to get better.

Let’s Talk Strategy

The ANIMO strategies -- albeit a little cheesy and let’s be honest, the words were obviously forced to fit into the words ANIMO – address student concerns, the uncertain future, and the larger social environment comprehensively. Although these strategies have yet to materialize, their ambitious plans convey DLSU’s goal to be the top university in the Philippines; even when everything else is uncertain, DLSU’s service hasn’t wavered. Their Accompaniment (A) strategy is the one I like best, and it is one of the reasons why DLSU will maintain its status as one of the best universities in the PH. Their accompaniment strategy stresses the importance of making sure that student workload is manageable and “authentic,” to quote the speaker. Making workload authentic is honestly something I like because students need to do assessments and activities that actually matter. The pandemic has revealed the proverbial truth that students have their own lives apart from school. We have our own problems; so, when teachers give assessments, it has to be something that will benefit us. None of that “make a brochure” or “do a creative skit” stuff. Also, encouraging a manageable workload is a great way of showing students that the system cares for their mental health. Yassss, we aren’t robots, thanks for acknowledging that, DLSU!

The A strategy also entails strengthening student support and reimagining the student life cycle to fit the new world we’ve been thrown into. The A strategy basically encompasses almost all the community needs that were brought up by the survey respondents; these needs were E-reliability, Abatement, Innovation, and Support. By responding to the needs of stakeholders, DLSU effectively maintains its position as a top university!

To me, the strategy that establishes DLSU’s international prestige is, surprisingly, the Opening (O) strategy. The O strategy is focused on creating policies for when the uncertain future comes. This establishes DLSU’s international reputation as a university that can adapt to changing times; there’s honestly nothing worse than a school that is so conservative that they end up being an enemy to progress. By staying relevant through progressive policies, and by acknowledging that there is a need for permanent change for when face-to-face classes will be allowed, DLSU stays relevant with its prestige and everythang.

A Little SWOT, please?

A drum roll for the SWOT analysis, please! I actually have some fancy bullet points for you all, so you can visualize things a little better.

Strengths

·            Open to change

·            Already started online learning even before the pandemic started

·            Listens to stakeholders

·            Research efforts continue

·            Is one of the top universities

Weaknesses

·            Some professors are old-school and are not tech-savvy

·            Internal processes are not optimal

·            Student support is not useful enough to be relevant

Opportunities

·            No other university adjusted to the new normal as quickly as DLSU

Threats

·            Intermittent wi-fi  (E V E R Y W H E R E)

·            Government policies ineffective and arbitrary*

·            Typhoons

Based on this very primitive SWOT analysis, I would say that DLSU’s success rate in implementing its strategies would be 90%. I am quite hopeful for the future because they’ve exhibited several strengths that, to me, outweigh all the weaknesses. When you have the strength of being open to change, which is the most important strength in this VUCA world (Miss Sarmiento, are you proud of me? I just quoted you :D), you can essentially take on anything. The weaknesses are very annoying to us now, but I know that along the way, DLSU will address them. The weaknesses are just glitches in the plan that can be smoothed out along the way.

With the way things are going right now, there aren’t many opportunities that the institution can maximize (from my perspective, at least), and there’s a load of threats that are beyond the institution’s control. This is why I am only 90% confident that DLSU can effectively implement its strategies. The wi-fi issue is especially the worst. Wi-fi in the Philippines is the biggest party pooper of all time. The government is another issue because DLSU can’t fulfill its plan of fully resuming campus access in 2022 if the government keeps up its antics. Hence, it is likely that these uncontrollable factors will hinder the success of the more ambitious key strategies, such as the localization of SDG projects and the campus redesign.

*An example of government policy:

The Ideal Business Leader Cares

I do believe that the strategic plan promotes the objectives in the Vocation of the Business Leader. First of all, DLSU’s strategic plan fulfills the Good Goods because of the mere fact that they plan to continue operating the school even in a pandemic. Their service continues to create students who are the critical thinkers of society. So, it’s fulfilling this service even when times are hard, which is the exact embodiment of the Good Goods if you ask me. DLSU also fulfills the second goal of the Good Goods, which is to maintain solidarity with the poor. La Salle schools literally started as schools for the poor. Now, DLSU continues to give out great, comprehensive scholarship grants, and as a scholar of DLSU myself, I can say that DLSU invests a lot of money in its scholarship programs, which is honestly so nice it makes me want to cry; education is the greatest equalizer and will last a lifetime, and I am really happy that the poor are receiving it just as I am. DLSU has even made arrangements with telecommunication companies, so that struggling students, faculty, and staff have access to pocket Wi-Fi.*

Now, let’s move on to Good Work. DLSU promotes the objectives of this principle through its Impact strategy, which seeks to ensure a pipeline of research outputs. This priority towards the pursuit of knowledge is one that embodies the value of human work. People should work not just to make money and live, but to improve themselves and the world we live in. Work should not just be the thing we do to survive; it must also be the way that provides meaning to our lives. That is what DLSU provides for its faculty through its strategic plan. And that’s what I’ve seen with all the professors in DLSU. They’re always the best in their fields because they’ve been allowed to grow in the workplace. Lastly, DLSU promotes Good Wealth through its planned SDG localization projects. They plan to give back to society, which fulfills the objective of just distribution of wealth.

I think that these objectives are a reflection of how a good business leader must be. This strategic plan has made me realize that a good business leader thinks for the present and the future. She looks at the needs of the community and answers them with care and with the common good in mind. She makes decisions, knowing full well that those decisions impact other people other than herself. She promotes a humane workplace, one where compassion and empathy rule over individualistic, “bahala ka diyan” mindsets. She invests in the development of others and society. And most of all, she proves to the public that she is worth trusting – that she is capable of being held accountable for the health and well-being of stakeholders. All of these are embodied in DLSU’s strategic plan. To quote Socrates, virtue is knowledge; because DLSU sets an example of caring for the larger society, I too have the duty to continue this mission.

*Reference to DLSU arranging to give out pocket Wi-Fis: https://businessmirror.com.ph/2020/05/02/dlsu-provides-financial-psychological-and-connectivity-support-during-covid-19/

Where do I fit into this strategic plan?

Answering this question is second nature to me. My unique contribution to the success of the university’s objectives is to be a compassionate and empathetic person to myself, my classmates, and my teachers; to be stringent, unrelenting, and selfish during these trying times is to become an opposing force to the strategies. These strategies depend on our ability to adapt along with the university; hence, we must do our part and be kind. We must understand each other, become a support system for those struggling, and do our best to help each other stay sane. When the university reaches its objectives, I expect that we will be receiving education of the best quality when compared to other Philippine universities. We will be receiving an education that is flexible to our circumstances, and an education that will make us want to give back and innovate for society – the way that DLSU has given back to this country these past few months.

Before I get sentimental and become a puddle of tears while writing this blog, I’d like my readers to know that I have fallen in love with DLSU. I stand by its values and fervently respect all the decisions it’s made during this pandemic. I am the (self-proclaimed) critical-thinking, well-rounded student I am today because of this institution. As a scholar of DLSU, I’ve learned that quality education is not a privilege, but a right and I dream of the day when the Filipino is able to learn what I learn, see what I see, and feel the same passion that I feel when I think of this country.

That’s all, readers. See you next time!

https://kortina.nyc/essays/kinky-labor-supply-and-the-attention-tax/

Kinky (S1) vs classical (S0) labor supply curve.

Over the past few decades, labor force participation has sharply dropped for men ages 20-34. Theories about the root cause range from indolence, to a lack of skills and training, to offshoring, to (perhaps most interestingly) the increasing attractiveness and availability of leisure and media entertainment. In this essay, we propose that the drop in labor participation rate of young men is a result of a combination of factors: (i) a decrease in cost of access to media entertainment leisure, (ii) increases in both the availability and (iii) quality media entertainment leisure, and (iv) a decrease in the marginal signalling utility of (conspicuous) consumption goods for all but the highest earners.

At the macro level, this results in sub-optimal production, as firms are unable to satisfy their demand for labor via the usual mechanism of increasing wages. If you believe that economic productivity and growth are good, this presents a challenge when attempting to design stimulus policy, because subsidies or increases to the minimum wage would yield the same non-result as firms increasing wages. We discuss the potential efficacy of the somewhat radical idea of a tax on human attention or time spent consuming entertainment media as a way to stimulate productivity.

#Declining Labor Participation in Younger Demographics

The overall labor force participation rate in the United States has been declining for the past several decades. The most obvious potential explanation would be an aging population (retirees comprising an increasing percentage of the overall population), but you can see this is not the root cause when you break out the labor force participation rate by age and sex:

Labor Participation Rate via Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Labor participation has been dropping much faster for young men than any other groups. (Interestingly, labor participation has been increasing most rapidly for older demographics, presumably because they must continue working later in life in order to support basic needs and healthcare costs).

In Leisure Luxuries and the Labor Supply of Young Men, Mark Aguiar and Erik Hurst note that:

Despite stagnant wages, declining employment rates, and an increased propensity to live with their parents, younger men report increased happiness during the 2000s. This contrasts sharply with older men, whose satisfaction fell along with their relative earnings. We see the life satisfaction results as indirect evidence that younger men experienced relatively little decline in the consumption and greatly valued their improved leisure options.

Much of young men’s time which in past decades was spent working is now spent playing video games, according to Aguiar and Hurst. Given that reported happiness moved in the opposite direction from wages and employment rate, it would seem there is some preference for this specific type of leisure over the purchasing power sacrificed in the form of foregone wages. But given that leisure activities have always been an alternative to work, we should ask what about video games specifically makes them more compelling than historical leisure activities.

Update: this paper from Gray Kimbrough arguing against the interpretation from Aguiar and Hurst is also worth a read.

#

Decreasing Cost, Increasing Availability, and Increasing Quality of Media Entertainment

Video games are just one example of media entertainment content that has become more a more attractive leisure choice as a result of advances in internet and mobile device technology.

For most of history, media consumption was bounded, like other forms of consumption, by cost – if you wanted more books, movies, music, console video games, etc, you needed money to buy them. Notable exceptions to this pattern were radio and cable television, where you could access programming at all hours of the day for a low fixed cost (or in some cases for free) – but in these cases, limits on the syndication of premium content entailed that not every hour of watching was equally enjoyable, and there were generally still diminishing (enjoyment) returns on each additional hour spent watching.

The digitization of content enabled infinite storage of evergreen content in the cloud and effectively zero marginal distribution cost of content through copying. Enabling on-demand access to all of the content that has ever been produced entailed a huge increase in the supply of good content. This essentially made all of history a viable competitor to people producing new content. Similarly, social media–produced for free, by amateurs–provided another huge influx of new content and more competition for attention.

This increased supply and competition put pressure on professionals creating new content to make it better and cheaper. On top of that, taking a page from the cable TV playbook, internet media distributors gave away content for free, and used advertising subsidies to pay for the small amount of content that was still being professionally produced.

All of these changes benefited the consumer by making more and better content available for free. Today, you can pretty much always spend yet another hour consuming some new and interesting content freely available on the internet, so once you have paid the (quite cheap) cost of access to your ISP or mobile data provider, you no longer require additional wages to pay for additional consumption of media as a leisure activity.

#

Decreasing Signalling Utility of Conspicuous Consumption Goods

Before we accept that young men are simply foregoing working in favor of spending more time playing video games or consuming other forms of media entertainment content, we should ask what else they might spend foregone earnings on and why they are not working to fund that spend.

In general there are three types of goods: goods that meet your basic needs, leisure goods (including media goods), and conspicuous consumption goods (those that signal genetic fitness, social status, belonging, etc.). If young men playing video games are not foregoing their basic needs (an assumption we’ll make here), and the cost of media entertainment goods has dramatically fallen, then they must be trading off consumption goods. Next, we argue that this group has decreased consumption because the signaling utility of these goods has decreased.

#

What is conspicuous consumption and what does it take to get it?

Historically, the primary purpose of working was to generate enough income to satisfy basic needs. Once those needs were met, an individual had a tradeoff to make between spending their remaining time on work or leisure.

Observing the behavior of the nouveau riche in a post-industrialization society in the late 1800s, Thorstein Veblen introduced the theory of conspicuous consumption - the purchase of goods and services for the sake of signalling social status (vs. the intrinsic function provided by goods that meet basic needs or those that enable leisure).

As living standards improved in the 20th century and individuals had more discretionary income, this behavior expanded to men, women, and children across all economic classes who began to spend more money on goods and services as a sort of social fashion. Implicit in spending more time on work is a preference for conspicuous consumption over leisure.

If you have the money, how do you decide what to consume? Benjamin Schwarz suggested in his review of Elizabeth Currid-Halkett’s The Sum of Small Things: A Theory of the Aspirational Class that:

This process depends on the great extent to which the elite’s consumption is at once devoted to and relies on “cultural capital”—that is, the adoption of values, tastes, and norms through social inculcation and formal education. That cup of Intelligentsia coffee may “only” cost five dollars, but learning about it in the first place depends on prizing the judgment of certain cultural tastemakers (again, say, the New York Times and those right-thinking podcasts), and on possessing a worldview that attaches a particular value and virtue to a particular container of hot liquid. Acquiring that cultural capital is, itself, a rarefied and usually expensive endeavor, because it involves a lengthy and complex process of what the sociologists call cultural and social formation: The peculiar cachet that the educated class attaches to that cup of coffee is far more likely to elude the daughter of an insurance adjuster brought up in Lansing, Kansas (a middle-class suburb of Kansas City), who attended the local high school and Kansas State, than it is the daughter of a screenwriter raised in uber-achieving north-of-Montana-Avenue Santa Monica, who attended the Harvard-Westlake School and Yale. Thus, buying that cup of coffee—or that organic cotton t-shirt, or that subscription to Harper’s—signifies a class identity that the purchase, in turn, reinforces.”

The increased cost in time to acquire the knowledge of what to consume is yet another way that conspicuous consumption is becoming prohibitively more expensive.

The catch with all of this is that the psychological utility sought from conspicuous consumption is relative, not absolute. Sarah Perry sums this up nicely in her book, Every Cradle is a Grave:

More than anything, however, a human utility function is a function of social belonging. That’s the ultimate point not only of income, but of intelligence, beauty, and many other material and non-material goods: they may be traded for social belonging… We want income because we want to be able to get the attention of others. We want a safe social place, primarily—and, of course, we want a better social place than the one we currently occupy.

The implication of this relative sizing up is that there is an ever-rising bar to maintain or improve your social position relative to the people and communities from which you seek affiliation or belonging. This was never easy given the money and time required, but at least it was possible when you sought that social belonging from people and communities that were more geographically constrained.

#

How does scale of distribution impact conspicuous consumption?

Consumers are no longer signaling on a local scale, but rather on an internet scale. On the one hand, this amplifies signal, because you can reach likeminded people who aren’t part of your local community, but on the other hand:

The consequent noise of everyone else doing the same thing crowds that signal out.

The people you may be trying to reach may be more preoccupied than ever before given the media dynamics described above playing out.

Together, these changes increase competition for the attention of the people whose attention you’re vying for…

And stoke an arms race in money and time in pursuit of relative conspicuous consumption.

As an example, consider how this increased competition plays out in online dating platforms. On Tinder, the top 20% of men are competing for the top 78% of women. Why? It’s a matter of the breadth of selection. Offline, due to the constraints of physical space and time, any given woman would have a finite set of potential partners to choose from. Online, the selection is much more vast and most women only “like” the most attractive men. The Gini coefficient for the “Tinder economy” is 0.58, which means that it has higher inequality than 95% the world’s national economies – in other words, it’s pretty grim if you’re a man in the bottom 80%.

Update: we got lots of responses about the sample size / validity of this Tinder study, so it’s worth checking out, but also worth noting the argument we present does not hinge upon this study.

We believe that this effect can be extrapolated into most contexts where digital distribution is used for signalling purposes. Yes, you could work more in order to buy more consumption goods, services, and activities and spend more of your free time posting about it online in order to break through, but it’s a grind given the ever-escalating, relative nature of the competition.

Unless the lottery or a new work opportunity vaults you into the top 20% of income earners or you’re fine spending the majority of your time crafting your online image like the Maya Millenials out there, you have little chance of breaking through. And if there is no meaningful signalling utility from the consumption goods, services, and activities you could buy with increased income, why work more than you need to meet your basic needs and fund leisure? Paul Nystrom dubbed consumerism as a “philosophy of futility,” and with the Internet stoking conspicuous consumption into overdrive, more people may be starting to sense that.

#

What are the implications of worker preference for leisure over wages?

A common response to a high unemployment rate, low labor force participation, and low economic productivity is the proposal of increasing wages / the minimum wage. This proposal stems from the idea in classical economics that there is a smooth, upward sloping labor supply curve, where each increase in wages yields a corresponding increase in labor supply (because the higher wages entice more people to work or people to work more hours):

Classic labour supply and demand equilibrium

The shape of this curve is a function of the marginal utility of higher income to each worker, which looks like the following:

Marginal utility of higher income, classical.

The assumption here is that each additional dollar of income is increasingly useful to a worker, because it enables the purchase of more basic goods, leisure goods, and consumption goods.

Just as there is a ceiling to the amount of income which can be spent on basic goods (food, shelter, etc), we posit that, given our above discussion, there are now natural ceilings on the amount of income which most workers will spend on leisure goods and conspicuous consumption goods.

First, the ceiling on income useful for purchasing leisure goods is the monthly cost of an ISP or cellular data plan (along with the cost of the hardware used to access the internet).

Second, the ceiling on income useful for conspicuous consumption is effectively zero – until you reach the ‘power threshold’ where you can spend enough to distinguish yourself as part of the top 20% of spenders, which is incredibly high. Every extra dollar of income you earn below this power threshold is effectively useless for the sake of conspicuous consumption, because on a relative basis it’s not enough to out-signal the ‘best.’

We propose, therefore, that the utility of marginal income actually looks like this:

The solid line depicts zero marginal utility of increased income once you have met basic needs and subscription cost of infinite media entertainment, up to the point where you break back into the top 20%.

And, as a result, there is a ‘kinky labor supply curve:’

Firms unable to meet demand for labor due to ceiling on wage elasticity.

The classical labor supply curve would intersect the labor demand curve at (E0), and although the kinky labor supply curve intersects the labor demand curve at (E2), firms can decrease wages from here without decreasing productive output, all the way down to the actual equilibrium point at (E1). This suboptimal equilibrium entails that:

There is lower employment, which is a deadweight loss to the economy (lower overall economic output). There is actually greater demand for labor than can be met, but there’s no way to realize it because marginal increases in wages yield no increase in supply of labor past the equilibrium point (E1).

Wages are lower, which is an effective economic transfer from labor to firms. Firms would actually be willing to pay higher wages to the workers they employ, but because this would not yield more hours of labor, firms do not increase wages, so every hour of labor performed by a worker is paid at a lower wage rate than workers would earn at the classical equilibrium point.

A compounding factor worth noting here is the gig economy and the increase in availability of on-demand work, which helps workers realize a much more continuous distribution of preferences for allocating time across work and leisure (vs their ability to historically do so, which would have been more discrete / discontinuous). The gig economy makes labor supply more elastic at the lower, leftmost portion of the labor supply curve and removes what you might think of as a floor on labor supply that was imposed by the standard forty hour work week. (h/t Sam Lessin for calling our attention to the gig economy as another pressure on labor supply.)

#The Kinky Labor Supply Curve Results in Lower Overall Economic Output

Because the demand for labor exceeds what workers are willing to supply, production and overall economic output are lower when workers prefer media entertainment leisure over wages.

You might argue this is a good thing. People actually prefer to spend their time consuming media over working, and we have achieved the luxury of enabling them to act on this preference. And, when people primarily consume digital media goods, the result is the production and consumption of less physical trash.

On the other hand, you might argue that lower economic output is a bad thing. Historically, economic growth has raised standards of living, increased lifespan, and has generally enabled more stable societies that are more insulated from the volatility of nature (eg, locusts eating an entire season of crops).

If you’re in the camp that thinks lower economic output is bad, the natural follow-up question is what kind of policy changes might counteract this phenomenon.

#Policies for the Leisure State

If firms are unable to generate increases in labor supply by increasing wages, government transfers to workers would be be an equally ineffective solution when workers value leisure time over increased purchasing power. This entails that the possible solution space is probably limited to taxes (and probably does not include, for example, things like wage subsidies or an increased minimum wage).

One potential solution would be to tax the unproductive leisure activities which people prefer over work. This is perhaps not as crazy as it seems, because (i) the true cost of these activities is already distorted from a consumer perspective by the advertisers who subsidize media consumption,and (ii) we already tax income and productivity – if time and money are fungible, you might just pull the idea of income tax ‘above’ the decision of how to spend time, and say that each person is responsible for investing some amount of sweat (in the form of time or money) into the public good.

Of course it would be impossible to gain political support for such a radical idea, especially when people today enjoy leisure time for free. No one would support a policy that required them to buy this time back from the state in the form of a tax.

Since media companies are capitalizing and profiting on a huge amount of attention that might otherwise be spent productively, however, taxing them for the share of the citizenry’s time that they consume could be more sensible and more practical than taxing citizens themselves.

One view of the status quo is that media companies are aggregating human attention and selling it at a discount–far below minimum wage–to advertisers in a massive arbitrage on human capital. So, the state could set the price of an hour of human attention at the minimum wage rate, and charge media companies 12% (the federal income tax rate on minimum wage) of that wage rate for each hour of human attention they consume.

Media companies would respond in one of two ways, because they no doubt earn nowhere close to the amount of profit they would need to pay this tax. They could charge more to advertisers, ending the current price arbitrage on human attention. Or, they could pass the cost on to consumers directly, charging per unit of consumption instead of offering infinite consumption for a fixed price.

#Why limit the attention tax to media companies vs all providers of leisure goods?

It seems a bit odd to single out consumption of digital media as a uniquely taxable leisure activity – why not tax all leisure activities?

What’s attractive about restricting the tax to digital media companies is that (i) they are profiting on the captured attention already and (ii) consumption of digital media is highly measurable. One of the challenges of the attention tax is measurement, and probably one of the reasons we have never considered such a tax viable in the past is the challenge of enforceability – it would be impossible for the state to measure the difference at a per citizen level of a productive unpaid hour (eg, care for a child or elderly person) from a leisure hour (spent reading a physical book).

While today it would still be difficult for the state to account for every hour of each citizen’s time, it would be quite feasible to measure each person’s hours of attention that were definitely spent consuming digital media entertainment. Taxing only these hours would be both practical and meaningful in terms of total percentage of time measured and enforceable in practice.

#Takeaways

While it is fun to explore alternative mechanisms for motivating the labor force if labor supply no longer responds to increases in wages, it is far more likely that lost worker productivity will be made up for with technology (eg, automation via robotics, software, artificial intelligence) that makes remaining workers more productive. While this would lead to a host of other problems (eg, inequality) and almost certainly lead to a welfare state, it is probably more straightforward to implement the necessary technological advances than the attention tax. Furthermore, a welfare state where most people could devote most of their time to the pursuit of leisure seems to be more consistent with preferences revealed by recent trends in labor participation and alternative uses of time.

This essay was co-authored by Andrew Kortina and Namrata Patel.

SEA DRAGON’S GIFT : Part 60 of 83 : World of Sea

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SEA DRAGON’S GIFT

Part 60 of 83

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

140406 words

copyright 2020

written 2007

All rights reserved.

Reproduction in any form, physical, electronic or digital is prohibited without the express consent of the author.

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Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users

Users   of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may   reblog the story provided that all author and copyright information   remains intact.  They may use the characters or original characters in   my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical   compositions.

All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fiction is actively encouraged.

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New to the story?  Read from the beginning.  PART 1 is here

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“Oi’ve nae talked wit’ ‘im about t’ose times.  Master Selked told m’ some, an’ the log provided t’e rest.  Oi ‘ad little t’ do for over a Wotan as Oi wa’ recuperating.  Oi had t’ practice readin’ yer writin’, so Oi read t’e log an’ ot’er books t’at ‘e’d collected.”

Kurin plied her chopsticks in silence for a bit, digesting this history behind things that had always been an unquestioned part of her life. Skye cocked her head and looked at Kurin’s platter questioningly. Kurin held out some roast on her chopsticks and Skye took it neatly.

Kurin looked across the table at Tanlin.  “Barad collects books?” she asked incredulously.

“Aye, ‘e reads bot’ Common an’ Arrakan an’ can struggle t’rough Barant.  ‘E ‘as books in all t’ree languages.  Nine o’ t’em are about t’e Boren Current Wars.”  She paused thoughtfully, “Actually, ten, i’ ye count Sula’s little manual.”

Kurin interrupted in surprise, “Sula wrote a book?  She never said anything about it.  Come to think, Darkistry mentioned it, too.”

Seriously, Tanlin replied, “Oi know wye Sula stayed quiet about ‘t.  Oi’ve read ‘t.  Darkistry’s probably t’e only one o’ us ‘oo actually understands it.  Oi’d recommend t’at ye nae read ‘t, t’ough Oi willnae stop ye.”  She paused and looked sympathetically at Kurin.  “T’will show ye a side o’ Sula t’at ye willnae care for.  Sula’s killed more people an’ sunk more ships t’an any ot’er person on Sea.  ‘Er book’s a manual for t’e destruction o’ ships an’ fleets.

“Wit’out t’e knowledge in t’at book, we’d probably ‘ave sunk t’e Fauline.  Wen Barad an’ Oi were in danger, t’e crew attacked wit’out ‘esitation.  None o’ t’em wa’ ‘appy about ‘t but t’ey did ‘t anyway.”

Kurin realized that what she was hearing was not a boast.  She already knew about her friend Sula’s war record — and how Sula felt about it. She digested the knowledge in silence.

The quiet stretched out into tension.  At the last, Tanlin asked, “Wen’re ye goin’ t’ actually start reading?  So far, ye’ve just leafed t’rough about eight Wohan’s wort’ o’ Log.”

Relieved to have something neutral to talk about, Kurin replied, “I have been reading, a bit slower than usual, actually.  I didn’t want to miss anything.  Barad has a fairly neat hand that’s usually easy to read.  

“How come he gets so little from each indenture sale?  Less than half, on average.”

Tanlin smiled in relief.  “Oi’m glad t’at ye asked t’e quest’n in t’at way.  A person ‘oo brokers indenture sales is entitled t’ nae more t’an ‘is legally defined costs plus ten percent o’ t’e balance o’ t’e sale.

“Indenture’s ‘ow t’e Arrakan fleet’s education system works.  I’ Oi wonted t’ learn, say, boat buildin’, Oi’d sell ye m’ indenture. Basically, ye’d pay m’ in advance for t’e term o’ t’e indenture.  Oi’d work for ye an’ ye’d teach m’ t’ make boats.  Tis a twa way contract.  T’e more I know goin’ in, t’e more m’ indenture’s wort’ t’ ye.  Oi might sell m’ indenture at auction or Oi might approach a particular person or ship.”

“T’e Grandalor produced indentures ‘oo could all read, write an’ figure plus ‘avin’ a good foundation in a useful skill.  T’e Arrakan fleet ships bid ‘igh prices for Grandalor indentures because t’ey were o’ t’e ‘ighest quality,” Tanlin finished proudly.

“So. . .the indenture is just a prepaid labor and education contract?” Kurin asked dubiously.

“Aye. Oi sold m’ ane indenture six times t’ earn m’ navigation an’ command skills.  Oi earned enow from t’ose sales t’ buy a share in t’e Princamorn, t’e ship t’at Oi wa’ born on.  Oi wa’ in a position t’ bid for a ca’taincy wen ane came open.  I remember evert’in’ o’ t’e Arrakan fleet but t’e people.

“M’ diary wa’ among documents t’at were salvaged from t’e wreck. Barad saved ‘t for m’ an’ Oi’ve read ‘t over an’ over but ‘t only told m’ some names.  T’ey’re only words in a book. M’ people’re still missing.”  Tanlin looked a little downcast as she added, “Mecat says t’at t’ey’re gone forever.”

Kurin finished eating and went back to reading the log.  Skye left the cabin the same way that she had come, pausing to close the port behind her.  Before the sun had reached its nadir, Kurin had nearly finished the just over twenty-five Gatherings of Barad’s Captaincy. Using a candle lantern to add to the ghostly light of the low sun, she finished the log and began the Purser’s accounts.

What Kurin learned there amazed her.  The Grandalor was a wealthy ship.  A very wealthy ship indeed.  Most of her wealth was held in accounts in the Arrakan fleet with large amounts on deposit in the Pallant and Daroff fleets.  Less than a third of her wealth was aboard or on deposit with the Naral fleet.

Kurin fell asleep to the quiet, uncanny whistling song of a faraway Orca that had never stopped singing, all day.

Kurin awoke suddenly in the middle of the third Night Watch.  The low arctic sun was coming fairly brightly through the port.  She had fallen asleep while reading and was surrounded by an untidy nest of log books, accounts, a few diaries and other records.

It took a moment to pin down what had awakened her.  The Orca song had become loud and clear.  It was punctuated by the shushing splash of the whale breaching and rolling and the occasional splashing report of the multi-ton creature leaping and falling back to the sea. Kurin’s heart leaped in fear for those in the sickbay.

Kurin could see the quiet form of Captain Tanlin sleeping slumped in a stuffed chair.  She felt a slight twinge of guilt at having fallen asleep in the Captain’s bunk as she slid silently out of bed.  She stumbled over the sleeping form of Arnat, curled up on the floor beside the bunk.  The commotion brought Tanlin to instant alertness. Arnat stretched.

“What’s the matter, Kurin?” he yawned.

“I hope, nothing.  Perhaps much.  The Orca is singing close by.”

“Mother!” Arnat called, heading immediately for the cabin door.

Tanlin was through it before he could get there.  Kurin followed him through the passageways of the Grandalor to the sickbay as swiftly as she could.

Doctor Corin looked up from where he was working on Lenai.  “I was about to send for you, Captain, and Arnat, too.  We are losing her.  I have killed her pain with Hag venom, so that she can talk.  She is weak but lucid.

“I thought that she should have those that she cared about near to her at the end.”

“Well t’ought o’, Doctor Corin,” Tanlin responded and turned to the doctor’s aide.  “Mikka, go get Barad, quickly.  ‘E should be ‘ere, too.”

The soft, concerned voice of Lenai came clearly to them all, “Did we do it?  Did Kurin come with us?”

Kurin stepped to the bedside, where Lenai could see her.  “I came, Lenai. I am here because of you.”

A hand reached out from under the covers and grasped Kurin’s arm weakly.  “Then it wasn’t a waste.  When the big red haired man stabbed me I feared that my life was lost to no use.  Save Arnat. See that he’s got a ship to call home, please?”

“I think that this ship will stay his home.  I’ve been looking at your case and have agreed to be your advocate before the fleet.”

Lenai smiled.  “I just wish that Arnat was here.  I want to hold him one more time before I go to Iren’s halls.”

“He is here.  Arnat, come over where you mother can see you.”

Arnat came, dry eyed but shaking, to his mother’s bedside.  She reached out and took hold of his arm with one hand and wrapped the other about him.  “Arnat, never fear the Orca’s song.  I can hear it calling me to Iren’s halls.  I won’t hurt there, and I will always love you.”

She relaxed, letting out a long breath.  Her arms fell from him and hung limp.

Barad, who had come in only moments before, knelt at her bedside and crossed her arms over her chest.  Tanlin joined him.

Barad said softly, “While there is a Grandalor, Arnat will have a ship that is his home.  I have no children of my body but I will have Arnat as my own.  He was one of the first to swear to us and the oath that we gave binds us.  We have all chosen one name and to be of one blood.”

Tanlin said, “T’ere’re nae orphans in a Wide Wing rookery because all take care o’ t’e young toget’er.  So we’ll care for Arnat. T’ere’ll be nae orphans on t’e Grandalor.  Oi’ll  log t’e order.”

Outside, the whale still sang but even to the untrained human ear, they could hear that it was a different song.  A second voice and a third joined in.  In moments whales were leaping and singing all about the ship.

In a corner of the sickbay, sitting on a bunk, Kurin was weeping. Another one dead.  Another part of her life shattered.  

The simple pride that she’d always had, that held her together when loneliness or fear of loss rose up, was in ruins in her heart. Longin born.  So simple.  So strong.  So ruined by the events of the last few days.  

Kurin wept for the young mother she’d tried to save.  Dead for the crime of wanting to talk to her.  Killed by the Longin.  Kurin’s ship. Her home.  A part of herself.  Through tears Kurin saw Arnat being rocked in Tanlin’s arms and wished desperately that she was him. Safe.  Held.  Loved.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Deep Blue Sea: Chapter III

First Taste

Full Version can be found on Ao3 as well

You awoke more refreshed than you thought you would, considering the previous day's events. You'd fallen into slumber much more quickly than expected, especially since you had been stared at the entire time.

Speaking of which, as you rubbed your eyes and yawned as you stood in front of the glass, he had moved. No longer was he glaring while hiding behind the furthest rock, he was now... glaring while hiding behind one of the closer ones. Ah well, progress was progress...

“Good Morning” you greeted him, “I'll get you something to eat in a few minutes...” He didn't bother responding, although that was not unexpected at all. You had hoped that he would have at least slept... wait, did merfolk even sleep in the conventional sense? Or did they just shut off parts of their brain, like some fish did? You'd have to check Dr. Griffon's notes.

You headed to the fridge to get out a bucket that looked remarkably like a commercial sized ice cream tub. But when you pulled off the lid, instead of the delicious scent of chocolate mint, it was a different, yet totally familiar. You'd smelled it since you first set sale on your father's yacht as a child.

Kelp.

You quickly glanced at the page of the notes, written in a crisp, clinical penmanship, was the Doctor's notes on the basic care. A half to three quarters of a kilogram a day of Macrocystis pyrifera

per day, as fresh as possible, spaced out over the course of the day.

Surely that wasn't it? You flipped the pages rapidly, attempting to find something... anything. But aside from that one simple instruction.... nothing.

The man had been subsisting on the same food day in and day out for God knows how long? Like some sort of animal at the zoo...no, an zoo animal would get more than one type of food... he was being fed like a lab rat. You gripped the kitchen counter so tightly, you thought you had left indentations of your fingernails on the marble surface.  You were going to have a talk with the Doctor. Someday. Eventually.

You carefully weighed up a portion of the Giant Kelp, into a bowl...before pausing... Did merfolk even have flatware? Or did they eat straight from the kelp, like picking grapes? Or was it used in conjunction with other foods, like a salad? While it wasn't your area of expertise, you knew that Giant Kelp were quite healthy for humans to eat, full of nutrients... but still, you couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't enough for the man...

Either way, the bowl would have to do for the moment.

Climbing the stairs leading to a platform that was a few inches above the water's edge, you placed the bowl down, within reach, if he swam up.

“I got you some food...I don't know if this the way you eat it, or if you eat with other things...” you said hesitatingly, attempting to find him, although the surface refraction made seeing where he was impossible. No response yet again.

Your pocket buzzed, and you quickly got off the platform to answer the phone. Force of habit, you'd seen far too many of your fellow students suffer the catastrophe dropping their cell phones into the briny depths...

The number was unfamiliar, but you took a deep breath and accepted the call.

“Good morning dear” the oily voice on the other end was unmistakable. Out of the corner of your eye, you sensed movement. The merman had jerked, as if shocked by an electrical probe. Could he hear the voice? How acute was his hearing? So many unanswered questions.

“Good morning Doctor” you answered politely.

“I was just calling to make sure you and it were settling in fine.”

“Yes, yes... everything's going well, but I do have a question. I was looking at the the notes you left me, and other than kelp, there's no other options on what he needs to eat.”

“Kelp is all it needs” the term 'it' was starting to really grate on your nerves. “It's been fed a steady diet of kelp for the past three months, and it has been sufficient for its needs”

“But that can't be healthy...he needs a variety. If I ate nothing but chicken caesar salads for the rest of my life, I might get the nutrients I need, but I would driven crazy by it”

The doctor's voice, even with the phone's distortion, noticeably darkened “I must remind you, my dear, that you are thinking of it as a person...not as what it really is, an animal, a mere beast. Just throw the kelp in, and it will feed.”

You started to argue...before thinking better of it. If the Doctor felt that you weren't capable to see the merman as he did, there was a good chance he could convince your father it was too much for you to handle, and and take him back. And while this aquarium wasn't even close to being the real thing, you were certain it was a hell a lot better than what he had been in, prior. You couldn't risk him going back, so you bit your lip.

“I..I understand, Doctor. I just want to make sure he is...” you struggled to think of something that would convince him you thought the same way, (but you refused to refer to him as an 'it') “kept in the best condition.”

It seemed to work, for Griffon's voice lightened up “Of course you do...I would be happy to come over and show you anything you need to know, answer any further questions..”

“I'll be fine Doctor, I'll be able to figure this out...”

“Are you sure? I can alwa-”

“Oh look,” you said quickly, “My wedding planner is calling right now, I have to go. Goodbye!” You hit the end call button, before throwing the phone across the room in anger, where it bounced off an arm chair and onto the floor. If the screen cracked, you didn't really care at the moment.

“Pompous.... ignorant... DOUCHEBAG!” you yelled out, before bobbing in your head in mockery “He's not a person, he's an animal....” you imitated his annoying voice. “You got your head so stuck in your 'precious' research, it's stuck in your ass hole, Doctor....”

You were about to rant some more, maybe pick up a pillow to throw...when you finally remembered you weren't alone. He watched you, from the same position, but his glare had been replaced by...surprise?

You flushed, embarrassed by being caught in such an emotional state. It wasn't proper, that a woman of your stature should be having what was, admittedly, a temper tantrum.

“I'm, sorry... I shouldn't have acted out,” you balled your fists, “but... man, he really gets on my nerves...I'm not sure how anyone could tolerate him for any length of time. And you had to put up with his dehumanizing ass for months! Can't say I blame you for hating us all...” You distracted yourself from the urge to find something else to punch, by walking over and retrieving your (thankfully intact) phone.

“Look, I'll try to convince my father to let you go... to free you or something. It might take time, my father's stubborn like that, but if I can just get him to se-”

“You mock me”

You started, looking around to find the source of the voice. It was weird, like you heard it, but not with your ears... it had a slight echo, but not from the room, more like it was bouncing around in your skull. It's quality sounded so familiar...like being underwater..

“Wait...that was you?”

“I was under the impression you knew I spoke, human.”

You had been looking so forward to him actually speaking, that you hadn't really processed what he had said.

“I wasn't mocking you, I'm-”

“Your 'father'” the word was wrapped up with extra contempt “would never consent to it, as he said before, I've caused far too much damage to his precious possessions to allow to swim free. He'd rather have me killed. And yet.....you continue to remind me of my captivity....”

“But he lets you stay here with me, his only child.” you countered, “if you're sooo dangerous, you could have grabbed my arm a few minutes ago, and just dragged me in and held me down until I drowned,”

The man hesitated, and then slowly came out from his hiding place, fully revealing his full form to you. Pale, nearly white flesh melded seamlessly at his hips with nearly translucent scales with just enough iridescence to remind you of mother-of-pearl. His colour reminded you of the albino creatures on the sea floor. Perhaps he was from that area. But, his eyes.....his eyes were far too 'human'? If he lived in the depths, you'd expect bigger proportioned eyes, or none at all.. Oh God, you were analyzing him as if he was some sort new fish...

His 'voice' helped knock you out of your clinical observations... “There are some things worse than death...or even imprisonment” He left whatever he meant unspoken.

“You haven't spoken to anyone while in captivity so far, so why speak to me?”

He seemed a bit taken aback by the question. His eyes, so intently focused on you, darted away for a moment. “They were not worth my time talking to”

“You're dodging the question...why me?”

Another awkward pause. “It seemed to be the only way to silence you, otherwise you would chatter until the oceans dried up”

You chuckled at the turn of phrase as you scratched the back of your neck. “I guess I wanted you feel at home here... to feel at ease.”

"One could hardly feel at ease in this pale mockery of my 'home'. Although..” he paused, surveying the rocks and flowing “it is a vast improvement over my previous residence”

“Just a guess, but I'm going to assume a tub of water would be better than what you've been dealing with”

“Indeed”

An awkward silence passed as he fiddled with a coral necklace, around his neck, a brilliant scarlet shell worn as an amulet. You were determined not to let this conversation be the last. “So, my name is-”

“I already know your name, human”

“Well, I don't know how it is for you, but it's common courtesy for names to be exchanged” you ignored the term he used. He could have used worse terms. He bit his lips, clearly hesitant “Look, I won't tell anyone. Hell, not like anyone would believe me...” You placed your hand, fingers splayed out, against the aquarium glass.

It seemed an eternity, but, eventually, cautiously, like he thought you could harm him through the glass, he placed his hand on the opposite side of the glass, on top of yours. His palms were bigger than yours, but not much more. Long, elegant fingers stretched out much farther than yours, with slight webbing between them, almost to the first knuckle. A lot less webbing than you thought, considering that he would be a swimmer. Perhaps he used his lower body to propel more- Wait, you're thinking like a scientist again, stop that.

“Vergil”

You felt giddy. The scientist portion of your brain was ecstatic that you had done the equivalent of First Contact. But more importantly, as a human, you'd somehow garnered the trust of a extremely guarded (and rightfully so) person. You weren't going to waste this chance.

“It's nice to make your acquaintance, Vergil.” you smiled. He did not reciprocate, but it didn't bother you at all. You'd made some progress, and that was good enough. “So, now that we have introductions out of the way, I'd like to ask some basic questions, if you don't mind”

“Within reason, I still do not trust you, human” Annnnd the moment was over.

“Well, I was going to ask what you eat. Kelp might be great and all that, but there's gotta be some variety in your diet. I can probably get it for you, as long as it's not something from the deep ocean, or something”

He drew back for a moment, and you thought he was going back to hide behind one of the rocks. But then you heard his distinctive voice reverberate in your head.

“There is.... a particular fish I am fond of”\

A special thank you to @drpepper280 for coming up with a better term than Mer!Vergil:  Mergil, or Vergill..... I’m not sure which one I love more.

Day 7 | Lost in the Snow

Fem!Reader x Goddess!Chung Ha

When you stormed out of the winter lodge after a fight with your boyfriend, you were expecting him to run after you. Instead, he stayed inside to flirt with one of the waiters. Of course, when you called him out on it, he “wasn’t flirting” and just “being friendly”. However, you knew him well. You had been dating for nearly two years now, not to mention you half expected the man to propose to you on this trip.

Anger boiled up inside you and came out as hot tears that threatened to freeze on your cheeks, so you wiped them away with bare hands. Wait, why was skin brushing against skin? Where were your gloves? Panicked looking around your body to make sure you were wearing your padded coat which he had bought matching versions of for this very winter vacation. However, nothing was there. No gloves, no scarf, no vest. Nothing to protect you from the cold.

“I’d better go back to our room.” You said, sniffling and folding your arms against your chest.

As you looked towards your building, you couldn’t help but sigh and try to decide whether or not you should break up with him. He had been an affectionate guy from the start, but...shouldn’t he prioritize you instead of complete strangers especially on vacation? Your footsteps were disappearing in the snow as the wind got more and more intense, making you have to lean against it in order to make any leeway. With every step forward, you began to forget about your boyfriend and your feelings since all you could feel was the cold threatening to leave your body bitten by frost and forcing you to become part of the landscape.

You were 100% lost by the time the snow storm finally subsided.

How stupid could you be? Couldn’t you have just put on your jacket and gloves or even just your scarf before marching out into the cold? Why didn’t you just go straight to your hotel room, anyways? Your breath was white and heavy as it left your body. At some point, you had fallen to your knees. Your jeans were basically frozen now along with your nose. No amount of blowing hot breath into your cupped hands could bring any sensation to your fingertips.

A scream of frustration tore through your vocal chords emitting a sound that would put any winged harpy to shame. Your thoughts were a conflicting mess of needing to survive not only your previous heartbrokenness but also this snowy landscape that could quite easily become your grave. You needed to breathe before moving again, though.

It’d be getting dark soon, probably. You had no sense of time out here. No landmarks. Hopelessness began to blanket you as if it were snow on a naked tree.

“Why?” a voice that was not your own, asked.

You looked around, shocked to hear someone else. A woman that was barely a wisp of existence began to walk towards you. It seems as if she were gliding, but you saw no footprints.

Part of you thought you were hallucinating a Yuki-onna, the Japanese spirit who would make you hug a child or shove you into a dark snowy valley. However, the woman was not a black haired ghost with blue lips, but a blonde haired woman with red lips. Her cheeks glittered as if there were her own frozen tears permanently on there.

“Why are you here, stranger?” The pale woman asked. “You are not supposed to be in this location.”

“I got lost.” You said, sniffling your blocked nose.

She giggled, “Let me fix that for you.” a crystalline fingernail reached out and tapped the top of your nose.

A rush of air went through it and you could breathe out of it once more. Bewildered, you looked up at the woman and thanked her. She put her cloak about your shoulders and helped you into a standing position.

“I saw you get farther and farther from the place where humans usually reside after I felt your sorrow from miles away.” She kept your hand in yours. “Do not speak. Just relax for now.”

You looked at her with terror as she helped you into her sleigh. She only giggled and assured you that she was not here to take your life, but to save it. You rested your head against her side as the fur of the coat warmed your body. She said that the ride was long, and you needed your rest.

When you awoke, you began to realize you weren’t at the lodge nor at your regular bed. Where…

“Glad you’re awake.” The blonde transparent woman from before said as she entered your room with tea and treats, setting it at your bedside table.

The room was too dark to be made out of ice and yet it had an odd sense of coldness hovering in the air, as if you just opened your freezer and there was a condensed haze of fog around. However, it was easy to see through.

“Hello.” You said, sitting up. “T-thank you for saving me. I should get going.”

“No, please stay. Just for a few days.” She said, sitting by your legs underneath a transparent but heavy comforter. “You’ve surely caught a cold being out in my weather in such light clothing.”

You shook your head, trying to deny it, but that shake must’ve loosened up all the sneezes your body contained as a barrage of sternutations lept from your chest. The lady did nothing except hand you a box of tissues. You nodded your head in thanks before blowing your nose.

“Oh, I do not believe I ever introduced myself to you. I am ChungHa, the goddess of the snow mountain.” She said, bowing in a sheer and glittering robe which touched the ground, fur lining every edge.

She gave a simply breathtaking smile while promising you that it’d be ok if you stayed for a while.

However, you stuttered out, “M-my, my boyfriend. He’ll be wondering where I am.”

She furrowed her brows and touched your cheek, “The boyfriend who didn’t chase after you?” ChungHa pulled her hand back and into her lap. “I heard you talking to yourself during the storm.”

“Oh…” So she knew.

“Humans really like communicating even to the wind. I find it endearing.” She giggled. “Though you insist on destroying my mountain for mere entertainment, you have a few redeeming qualities. Especially faces like yours.”

ChungHa suddenly stood, “Oh, um. My apologies. I brought you tea and some cookies. Both have herbs which help to heal the body. Take as much time as you need. When you feel like you can, feel free to roam inside.”

With a sharp and serious face, she looked at you from the doorway, “Do not go outside without me. Understand?”

You nodded and she gave you a smile before leaving. The door was at the foot of your bed, and there didn’t seem to be any windows. Natural light seemed like it came through the walls. A lamp next to your bed was shaped like an icy chandelier and added extra illumination to the room.

Maybe he wouldn’t worry about you. If so, it served him right. He shouldn’t have ignored you in the first place.

ChungHa was a sweet goddess. A kind heart that had been frozen by years of solitude and yet it still beat strongly in her chest. Her lips were the only part of her which emitted true heat in their fiery redness. The glittering stones on her cheek were her ever flowing tears which froze on her face, so they did not appear to grow or move to mortal eyes.

She healed you up in what seemed like two days at most. The food which was served for every meal was delicious and natural, fresh and rich with every bite being as satisfying as the first. However...there was something lonely about her.

You didn’t want to go.

Part of you had thought to have fallen in love with her, but you were sure it was just because the blonde goddess had saved you from your certain death.

“It’s almost dawn, my dear Y/N. I believe it is best if I take you back to your lover.” She said, her hair now in a ponytail. “There’s no reason for you to stay since you are completely healthy thanks to my care.”

ChungHa dressed you in an iridescent cloak of your own. You had worn it outside when she let you see her garden. It was a magical place where flowers seemed even more beautiful and bright dusted in snow and encased in frost. You had particular fondness for the plum blossoms. They were so small and yet had a charming purple-magenta color that caught your eye.

The goddess and her fuzzy footmen made sure you were secured safely in the silver sleigh before taking off back towards the main area where you’d be put to walk back to your hotel room alone. She couldn’t go all the way with you and if you stayed with her for too long, you’d become trapped on the mountain with her. Magic rules and all that stuff.

The ride was mostly quiet until she spoke up, “Um, did you...were you comfortable there at my home?”

You nodded swiftly, holding the bouquet of plum blossoms she had gotten for you as a goodbye gift and turned into a flower crown to place upon your head. Part of you wanted to tell her that you wanted to stay, but you wanted to see your boyfriend. What had he been up to while you were recovering?

“Not many people know about you, huh?” You asked.

“No. I’m too minor to have my specific name known by humanity as a whole. They group me with dokkebi. I am more than a simple goblin.” She scoffed.

You smiled, “Well, I’ll write about you. Everything that you’ve told me, I’ll create a page for you. I don’t care if anyone believes me. I’ll let them know about ChungHa. The kind goddess of the snowy mountain that saves lost travellers and guests that wandered too far out. Platinum blonde hair and lips like roses. Eternal tears that sparkle like the first frost upon her cheeks. Like rhinestones. Like stars. Whose touch is like fresh mint, burning but comforting since her heart has been frozen.”

She kissed your forehead before hugging you tightly.

“Thank you, my dear. You are too kind for a spirit like me to know.” She giggled softly.

The sleigh stopped to halt.

“It is time for you to go.”

When you entered the lobby, you saw your boyfriend yelling at police officers. He looked over at you mid sentence and then did a double take, stopping in the middle of his words. He was saying how badly the mountain men were doing, that they should’ve found you already. The two of you just stared at each other.

“Y/N?” He squeaked, tears already falling from his face and choking him.

“It’s me.”

Your lover ran towards you and he gave you kisses and hugs that were deeper and tighter than any he had given you before. He promised he’d be a better boyfriend. That he’d take care of you and would give you the attention you deserved. And you believed him.

And he kept his promise, proposing to you during dinner that night. You soon went home to spread word of your engagement but also writing your article on ChungHa. There were a few details you had to fudge here and there, saying it was word of mouth instead of first hand experience.

Your friends were so happy to hear of the marriage to be, how he’d become your husband. Yet you couldn’t stop thinking about her. Your goddess. ChungHa.

Months passed, and you thought of her every day. Your article had barely picked up any traffic, but you still checked to see who looked. People asked who you talked to. Told you it could be a new thing. A new goddess to praise. In your heart of hearts, you knew what you had to do.

There was no doubt in your mind.

The wedding was tomorrow. You had decided to hold one at the lodge resort where you had been proposed to in the first place. He was in the bed next to you, your fiancé. Still, you didn’t want the ring on your finger to have come from him. On top of the letter you prepared weeks ago, you set the ring on top.

It was an apology and a warning to not look for you. Also assurance that you were ok, but you’d be happier without him as your husband, the one you’d be promised to for the rest of your life. There was someone you loved more. Someone who wouldn’t leave your head nor your heart.

ChungHa.

You threw on your cloak and walked up the mountain, ignoring the coldness of your feet as they were in boots. You were warm. Scared. But you didn’t look back. There was nothing for you at that resort. Your heart was in the mountain. Your head came across a branch of plum blossoms.

“You came back?” The unmistakably crisp and sweet voice questioned.

You looked to see her standing behind you and couldn’t help but smile.

“Of course I did, ChungHa. I love you.” The words came out before you could say the speech you had rehearsed a thousand times. “I love you and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I don’t care if I get stuck on this mountain as long as I’m with my goddess.”

Her tears seemed to fall past her cheeks as she hugged you tightly, “I love you too, Y/N. I’m never going to let you go again.”

“And I won’t let you.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1q5Hk7u9aw

Ah FMF, even when you’re not Genwunning RT writing, you’re still not good. So Why am I covering his video on a ‘bad review’ of Netflix’s Death Note? Well this was used in the video of a Youtuber I once respected and I’m pretty sure he started adopting FMF’s bullshit so I’ve decided dissect the video to showcase that he’s bad at this no matter what the subject and why he shouldn’t be listen to.

Before we even begin, FMF begins his video with saying ‘this is just my opinion’ even though his video is titled ‘A response to a bad Death Note review’ and he has a visual counter system for what the original video gets wrong called ‘Wrong/Illogical’ which aren’t opinions. Honestly, it comes off as FMF using this as a shield to prevent criticism.

So his first point against Cosmonaut Variety Hour is that he complains about the pacing, talking about how Netflix Light gets the Death Note 2 minutes in, meets Ryuk 8 minutes in and kills his first victim a little later. FMF says that the anime had Light following a similar path. Which is true...only because FMF cuts off Cosmonaut’s final part: where he states a short while later Light gets a girl friend (Misa/Mia). This completely changes things, as how many minutes into the anime does Light get a girlfriend?

Well, each episode is about 22 minutes long with episode 1 being 23. Light and Misa part ways about 3 minutes 15 seconds into Episode 14. However, about 2 minutes 40 seconds of each episode is opening and ending. So let’s do the math.

22 * 13 + 4.25 = 290.25

2.66 * 13 + 1.5 (the opening is about 1 minute 30 seconds) = 36.08

290.25 - 36.08 = 254.17

Each .01 is .6 seconds. so 17 X .6 is 10.2

the time to getting Misa is 290 minutes and 10.2 seconds. In the movie? Let’s just say 30 minutes for simplicity’s sake (it’s more like 27 minutes and 11 seconds). That’s a net difference of 260 minutes and 10.2 seconds. WELL over double the length of the movie. So Cosmonaut’s point makes sense, if a bit ill explained.

Also in this point, he says it doesn’t make sense because Cosmonaut said ‘I like it wasn’t two hours’ ... when anyone with awareness could tell that wasn’t an actual like, it was a potshot at the movie’s poor quality that it was short. 

The next point is that Cosmonaut complains about the movie not fleshing out  Light, Mia and Ryuk. FMF says the exposition before finding the Death Note is about explaining Light’s life situation. ... This is a really dishonest response because he cuts off Cosmonaut explaining himself, up to and including how he would have found the few scenes with Light, Ryuk and Mia interesting if they were all more fleshed out. Not only is this stuff not helping because only one third of his point is addressed- Light’s life situation is mostly technical and meant to build up his motivation whereas Cosmonaut is talking about Light and the others as people. It’s reliant on FMF either missing or misinterpreting the point, neither of which is acceptable.

Also, in the bit he doesn’t show, Cosmonaut says ‘I’m not saying make this two hours. For the love of God, don’t make this two hours long’ with an image of a man having a heart attack, which should have informed FMF than part of his previous point was based on taking a blatant joke seriously. ... Yeah.

Next point is...Nothing. No seriously, Cosmonaut says ‘spend some time making your main character likeable or relatable in any way’ and FMF just says ‘You can’t just say there’s nothing to like.’ He doesn’t even give an example whereas Cosmonaut does, showcasing that infamous scream of Light’s (given, FMF cut that part off.) He also considers this wrong by the way. Not in my words, his ‘Wrong’ counter goes up.

His next point is about when Cosmonaut says the logic of the movie is being dumb because Light chose the name Kira. FMF claims that the logic is sound because Light makes a dumb decision and he gets immediately figured out. Issue is that A. He cut Cosmonaut mentioning that Light in the anime never actually choosing the name (setting up how the name choosing is dumb) B. That it doesn’t get immediately figured out until L figures it out (a character meant to be smart) and C. The movie itself never treats the name as being a dumb decision, in fact the police are stated to have fallen for it. Nothing here functions.

The following point is ... another dishonest one. Cosmonaut says that L finding out that Kira’s name is a misdirection doesn’t make him look smart, it makes him look dumber than Light. And FMF responds by saying ‘that doesn’t make sense because L used the death of the first victim to find out where Light was, like the anime version did!’. Thing is, Cosmonaut is saying it makes him look dumb, not that he is. You normally don’t notice this because both involve discussing L’s intelligence, never realizing that FMF is talking about something different. This is a fallacy called ‘pivoting’: you see politicians doing this a lot. He’s being dishonest again.

Before we move onto the next point, I wanna point out that he skips Cosmonaut bitching about the movie giving L a reason to eat candy and how it doesn’t make sense. Thing is, Cosmonaut says that the movie is stating candies can keep you awake for 48 hours but the clip he shows doesn’t say that. It was 41 hours and the topic was keeping his mind focused. You’d think FMF would jump on this since he IS wrong here...but no, he doesn’t. Trust me when I say this becomes important later.

fMF;s next point is another case of cut context. He shows a clip of Cosmonaut saying some scenes were likely cut with an example of Ryuk saying he’s disappointed and that he said Light should give up the Death Note  while FMF responds by saying Ryuk already informed him. Thing is, Cosmonaut is talking about Ryuk SAYING Light should give it up instead of INFORMING Light he can give it up like FMF says, playing a clip where Ryuk says as much (’I asked politely but you didn’t hear me: let the note go!’) and Cosmonaut even rebutes FMF’s point, saying what Ryuk did before was inform him of an option but not insisted on it (in fact egging Light on). Again, relying on cutting off his argument.

His point afterward is short but correct: Cosmonaut says L should be surprised Light knows his name and FMF shows that they revealed it earlier. I think it’s also the only point so far that he hasn’t cut off.

The next is one that FMF doesn’t cut off but is still rather sneaky. Cosmonaut says the movie is making the case for Light Turner being smart and FMF says the movie is making the case that Light is poor, has iffy morals ect. This is the scene that most people point to saying the movie says Light is smart here. FMF is trying to disprove that by giving an alternate interpretation. Thing is, why would anyone pay to have their homework partially done by a dumb person? That...doesn’t make sense. And Light has 15 customers at least, since he was found with at least 15 people’s homework on him when he was found after being punched (something FMF tries to use to say ‘see? He was punched for trying to be clever! The movie’s not saying he’s smart!’) so he should know this.

Afterward, he tackles Cosmonaut’s point about Light cracking under pressure by saying the pressure is mounting on him. I could understand this (ignoring how I’ve made this same point to him about RWBY...) except that in the anime even more pressure was on Light and he never cracked like this. Is Light Turner a different character? Yes...but no one mentions this. 

“‘Lust for power’ is one of the most basic human motivations in the world.” is his next counter argument against Cosmonaut, who says ‘we never learn why Mia wants to kill everybody.” I’m afraid I can’t let the RWBY thing directly slid anymore because this standard could really affect his work: Cinder has the EXACT SAME motivation and no one buys that shit. We don’t buy it because there has to be a reason BEHIND the lust for power. Even Dio had this (he wanted power because of his fucked up childhood.) So he really should be calling this out himself. ESPECIALLY if he’s called out Cinder before.

Next up is FMF going on and on about how the movie shows Light isn’t smart (Err, no. Getting punched was suppose to show how crooked the system was) and how L is making this a game for his ego (he...never prove this beyond showing L refer to this as a game. Nothing for ego) in response to Light being called dumb... And why wouldn’t he be considered smart? He outright says L refers to him as smart and while he says it’s for his ego, not only is the homework thing logically about him being smart but the character Turner is adapted from is notoriously smart so that’s just...logical.

Next one is fucking weird. Cosmonaut says the rule about the Death Note’s burning page makes no sense and FMF says that while he agrees with it, he tries to insert a counter by saying that ‘taking Ryuk at face value, it might not work at all.’ ... The rule wasn’t said by Ryuk, it’s said in the Death Note. Ryuk was saying that he can only do it once. He fucked up a point he says he mostly agree with.

Next part is Cosmonaut saying it’s stupid that Watari only has one name and is using his real name and FMF says that it makes sense as Watari needs to be contacted to get to L...ignoring that you could just have a private number. And before someone complains at me since he says its an opinion: that ‘Wrong’ counter goes up and that ain’t an opinion so I’m not buying it.

The next part brings up that Light got Watari’s name from his dad, something Cosmonaut says L should have known better because L wasn’t a suspect yet while FMF points out that Light wasn’t a suspect yet. ... This is still calls L’s intelligence into question as he was giving out his partner’s name out so it can be researched...and he has the man undisguised with him in the open (which is how Light gets his face). 

Next part I’ll give: This version of L is emotional so FMF is right...if he had taken the time to establish this is suppose to be a video looking at the movie on it’s own. FMF, you need to give context.

Next two are basically the same: Cosmonaut bitches about Light not giving a reason for not wanting to killing Watari and FMF cities ‘we don’t kill people’ and ‘survival instinct’ for why he would want to kill L as reasons...which brings up: wouldn’t killing Watari also fall under ‘survival instinct’?  Kill L’s ally/possible avenger?

The next point is really stupid. It’s bitching about the moment where Watari dies, Cosmonaut saying that it doesn’t make sense that Watari doesn’t reveal L’s name while FMF says that Ryuk could have interpreted his ‘dealer’s choice’ to kill him without revealing the name to fuck with Light...Ryuk’s never acted to fuck with Light like that before (could have interpreted the names being written to mean [Reveal Light’s name to the world] too) and ‘dealer’s choice’ refers to the type of death, not what everything in it means.

He then mocks Cosmonaut for saying a scene of Ryuk saying ‘dealer’s choice!’ disproved what Cosmonaut said before. Ignoring that I have personally seen him pull this on RWBY- He does this same thing here NUMEROUS TIMES with Cosmonaut. It still doesn’t make sense because Ryuk, when Watari’s circumstances are written down, mentioned the cause of death SPECIFICALLY. That’s why there’s an issue.

Afterward Cosmonaut bitches that Mia can’t get the Death Note because he needs to live it alone for seven days while FMF corrects him as he shows Light can just give it up. Nothing really bad here (in a vacuum). Same with the ‘finding Light’ thing that comes after (in a vacuum).

Next is FMF being suspicious again. He cuts up Cosmonaut’s argument about why there is so many police at the pier and why the are there that he cuts out a part of Cosmonaut’s point (that they found L so there’s no reason for so much force there). And his ‘within reason’ thing pops up again even as he doesn’t afford Cosmonaut that. Same with the ‘L said Light is Kira and he took my gun’ counter to Cosmonaut even though in any other circumstance he would have ignored that.

Next is...confusing AND bullshit. Cosmonaut says that, with Light writing that if Mia takes the Death Note she dies, the Death Note is never shown to have these kinds of deaths. And FMF says that...it wasn’t the Death Note. ... Even though the end, Light did write that down. FMF tries to justify this by saying Mia was forced to do it by the Death Note by referencing her saying ‘I love you so much’ and looking shocked when getting the Death note...what he DOESN’T show you is Light saying ‘If you love me, you gotta trust me. Don’t take the book’ before her line, Light getting distracted by his dad afterward, panicking when she takes it THEN her looking shocked as she said ‘What?’. FMF is pretty much LYING at that point.

Cosmonaut has this really big point about Light’s plan from the movie’s climax where FMF attacks some of the aspects. One is him saying Light needed to discredit L to get off the hook (even though he never shows the part about the criminal being brainwashed into doing Light’s dirty work to clear his name.) He brings up Watari not knowing where L’s orphanage is...even though he could have learned about it off screen.

And we end with him making a technical error: he says that the page L has also has the rules/instructions on it...and I can’t tell what it says. So it’s as good as worthless.

Cosmonaut did make a few mistakes and FMF could have made an actual good video by addressing how he doesn’t explain the points he makes against the movie...but that isn’t what he did. Instead of going for smaller but truthful criticisms, he goes for big, flashy and ultimately fault at the VERY best and disgustingly manipulative at worst. All of this without mentioning his hypocrisy with RWBY (example: he ignores anything that doesn’t happen on screen and gives no logical concessions to the show while demanding Cosmonaut do that.) Even when giving him some credit, the man makes it so his targets always look better out of it because he’s so dishonest and manipulative.

Honestly, no one should look to him for inspiration or good points. Because even with a video as bare bones and basic as Cosmonaut, he makes it look like a work of Robert Ebert.

Trends in Regenerative Medicine

This is just a taste of what is out there.  A quick snippet of a few of the myriad trends that are coalescing toward a regenerative medicine movement that will transform the world.  Hopefully they provide some useful insight into where we are headed and how we are getting there.  I concocted this article recently as a writing sample for a job.  We will see whether or not I get it but no reason not to let everyone else enjoy the efforts as well.

BioMedical Advances – The future of keeping you healthy.

  By – Matthew Lehmitz

  Imagine regrowing an entire limb or organ using nothing but a handful of your own existing cells.  Consider the possibility of increasing muscle mass simply by injection.  

  We live in an age where machines and living things are ever more closely connected and where bioengineering is looking ever more like classical engineering.

  In march 2020 more than 112,000 people in the United States alone were waiting for organ transplants.  This far outstrips organ donations rates which for all of 2019 stood at 19,267. 

  What if we could cut that number to zero and reduce the wait time from years to months to days or even hours?

  This and more is the promise of modern and future bioengineering technology.  Let us explore more of what life might bring us and what we can bring to life.

  The famous quote from the six million dollar man goes “We can rebuild him, we have the technology”.  This has never been more true.  

  Not only can we now treat damage and slow the progression of time and illness but we have the capability to begin to rebuild and even improve the human body.  

  We can produce new organs or regrow limbs.  We can make new skin or alter the very DNA sequences that underlie our basic functioning.  

  In the future we can end aging and make our bodies even more resistant to disease and damage preventing harm in the first place.    

  3d bioprinting:

  One of the most interesting areas at this time is a field called 3D bioprinting.  

  We’ve all heard or read about 3d printing and the amazing things it can produce in plastic.  Whether you want a model of the USS Enterprise or a new steering wheel for your car it can save a lot of potential time and money.

  This technology is expanding rapidly.  By the year 2022 spending on 3D printers alone is expected to exceed 5.3 Billion USD annually.  

  So what if we converted the printer to create things not of plastic but of cells?  

  This is the question that is answered by the 3D bioprinting revolution.  

  Rather than rely on human donors for transplant organs we can simply turn on a machine primed with cells from the person needing a transplant and let it print away.  

  Of course not all organs are flat and so a biocompatible gel or soft material is used to form a scaffold on which to print.  

These prints can be finished in a matter of days or even less with some bone printing systems able to complete their tasks in as little as two hours.  

  Rejection has long been a problem with transplants.  Acute rejection, where the body rejects the new organ and attacks it as a foreign body,  occurs in up to 30 percent of cases for liver and as high as 20 percent for kidney transplants.

  A huge advantage of using organ printing is that it avoids the issue of rejection by using the patients’ own cells.  Since they are already accepted by the patients’ immune system they are very unlikely to be targeted as foreign bodies.

  Costs for medical procedures are quite high in the United States with Medicare spending exceeding 3.4 Billion annually for Kidney Transplants.  

  3D printing will bring these costs down significantly.  Not only will it be cheaper and easier to find and safely transplant the organs but the technology is cheap as well.

  Many quality 3D printers have fallen below the 300 USD price point.  We can expect to see the 170,000 USD price point of professional bioprinters fall quickly as we have seen with its sibling technology.

  Limb Regeneration:

  How hard would it be to live without a finger?  Without a hand?  Even an entire arm?  Life would certainly be very difficult.  Living with the loss of a limb is a challenge that faces more than 2.1 million Americans every day.  Approximately 400 amputations are performed nationwide on an average day.

  Most people currently use some kind of mechanical prosthesis to provide a limited replacement for the lost limb.  This may soon be changing however, as regrowing limbs becomes more feasible.  

  There are many creatures in nature that regrow lost parts.  It turns out that humans are not substantially different.  

  Studies have shown that babies can regenerate fingertips when they are young and prenatal humans can regrow entire limbs in the womb.  

  This fits with our own evolutionary history as we see a variety of reptiles do this as do some amphibians.  

  We can trace specific gene activation in mammals called lin28a.  This specific gene was found by George Daley and his team at Harvard Medical to result in significant tissue regeneration in mice.

  This only occurred however, when the gene was prevented from switching off and only when the mice were young.   

  So humans have this ability to regenerate and it can be found in other mammals.  It is simply one of the many genes that gets switched off as we age.  What can we do to reactivate it or keep it from leaving us in the first place?

  One amazing solution may be the development of a powder which can be rubbed onto damaged limbs which help them regrow.  While the studies on this have been limited some individuals have seen healthier and more complete limb repair than was otherwise expected.

  Stem cells seem like a strong approach.  They already are pluripotent which means that these cells can be induced to grow into any cell that is needed.  With the right inducement stem cells could be made to grow any organ or tissue in the body.  

  Future stem cell applications could enable the regrowth of an entire arm or leg.  

  Ending Aging:

  No health concern is as serious or omnipresent as aging.  It is the disease that every human is born with and which will eventually claim every person if nothing else does first.

  The plague of aging has followed humanity throughout its entire existence but that is beginning to change.  

Imagine a situation where humans live not just much longer lives but also much healthier ones where aging is a controlled condition or overcome entirely.  

  Many current research trends in gerontology, the study of aging, present a tantalizing perspective suggesting this isn’t just possible but that we can make great strides in this area.

  Genetic modification has become ever more achievable.  Since the development of CRISPr Cas-9 protocols the ability to accurately and reliably alter genomes has been greatly improved.  

  Genes are spectacular things that play such a key role in every facet of our lives that any ability to alter them can have amazing effects.

  A few genes have already been identified as having strong connections with aging.  

  One of them called AAV9-TERT is a gene tied to the production of telomerase.  

  Telomerase is a chemical that is responsible for managing the length of telomeres.  ‘Caps’ of a sort on the end of genetic sequences.  

  As we age our telomeres become shorter and can lead to genetic damage and decrease cellular functioning.  Increasing the length and safety of these coverings can help reduce effective biological age.

  This approach has been reported to improve the lifespan of mice by as much as thirty percent.  

  Work in the area of senolytics is very exciting.  Senolytics is the study of ways we can remove senescent cells from the body.  

  Senescent cells are those that are working poorly or not at all.  They take up resources and can be detrimental to nearby cells. 

  Senolytic therapies endeavor to remove these cells while leaving healthy tissue undamaged and free of their negative influence.

  Adding senolytic approaches to gene therapies has seen lifespans of mice increased by as much as 36 percent.

  Conclusion:

  Through constant effort and improvement of our experience and techniques we will continue to live longer and healthier lives.

  We will grow and harvest new and healthy organs, edit our genes to better serve our needs, live long and healthy lives.

  These will all have powerful impacts on society and one of the most significant adjustments that will have to be made across all sectors is how to deal with this.

  The health care sector will see huge shifts and disruption in its market as demand for these new treatments increases while more traditional treatments and approaches fall away.

  There is a massive business opportunity in this as a result and many new startups are moving into the anti-aging sector.  They will be at the forefront of next phase developments and will not only profit from the changing markets but provide great profit to humankind.

  Society will also see innovation racing ahead as we learn to deal with a whole new paradigm for generations, education, experience, sports and all other facets of human striving.  It may be difficult but will ultimately see us become stronger as friends and as people for the effort.  

Trends in Regenerative Medicine was originally published on transhumanity.net

As Above, So Below Ch. 11

Summary: Your average, mundane life as a college student is flipped upside down when the man you thought you knew as your next-door neighbor turns out to be the God of the dead. When Michael lures you down to Hell, everything that you thought you knew about the world is proven wrong.

Word Count: 3288

A/N: Warnings for mentions of death and dying in this chapter. I would have posted it earlier, but I ended up having a minor breakdown about the shitstorm that is my life and couldn’t type through my tears lol. As always, requests are open and my inbox is too! Send me some feedback, tell me what you thought, what your favorite part was, or anything!

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7| Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11: Too Far Gone

Members of the Underworld’s staff dart out of the way when they hear the large doors slamming, knowing that an angry god is making his way down the hallways. Michael’s frantic in trying to find any of his advisors; the severity of the illness that you’re not supposed to have makes this a race against time.

“Thanatos! Have you seen Madison anywhere?” Michael asks, nearly running into the eyeless man outside of the training gym. He shakes his head, frowning.

“She got called up Above, something about some witches in Greendale trying to perform an exorcism. Why?”

“It’s (Y/N).”

“What’s wrong with (Y/N)?”

“She’s sick, which-”

“Isn’t possible.” Michael nods, lips set in a thin line.

“I need to find Madison. Now.” Michael starts walking quickly, setting a pace where even Thanatos has to hustle to keep up with him.

“Michael, it’s too risky for you to leave the Underworld right now. We don’t know Satan’s plans, where he is or if he can even tell if you’ve left.”

“He’s in Tartarus, problem solved!”

“You don’t know that for certain.” Thanatos is the voice of reason, but it’s a voice that Michael doesn’t want to hear right now.

Michael Langdon has lived a very long life. He’s seen the best of humanity, those who band together after tragedy to make something great. He’s seen the worst of humanity, men who could care less about the lives of others and who would gladly kill just to make things easier. Civilizations have risen and fallen, the great thinkers of the world have had their turns at walking the Earth and developing their ideas, all before Michael’s very eyes. Death is something he’s all-too accustomed to, and it’s the one thing that absolutely everybody in the history of humanity, no matter the manmade categories they separate themselves into, has in common. For the first time in as long as he can recall, Michael Langdon is scared, and he’s scared of a lot.

He’s scared of the possibility of losing his throne. He’s scared that he could soon have to fight a battle against the being who created him. He’s scared that the Apocalypse could happen, causing the scales to be thrown into chaos and the lands of both living and dead to blur together. But mostly, he’s scared that he could lose you. No, not scared. Terrified.

While few live mortals have ever stepped foot in the Underworld, none have ever gotten sick, and for good reason: there’s nothing Below that could make a human sick. While sickness can often lead to death, viruses themselves are intrinsically living. They wouldn’t be able to even make it down to the Underworld, and any viruses that could are already long-dead and, therefore, harmless. The fact that you have managed to become so violently ill in such a short amount of time would be frightening enough, but the fact that there’s no discernable reason why you’re sick in the first place makes Michael’s blood run cold.

“It’s a risk I’m going to have to take. It shouldn’t take me too long to find Madison, and once I do find her we’ll be right back here.”

“Why do you need to find me?” Both men turn around, relieved to see Madison standing ten feet ahead of them. She’s scowling, her black cloak dripping with what looks like a classic case of demon vomit.

“Tough demon?” Thanatos asks, barely hiding his smirk.

“Of course, because things can’t ever be simple when it comes to witches from Greendale.” Madison huffs, rolling her eyes. She snaps her fingers and replaces her ruined clothes with something more ‘comfortable’ (which is really just another one of her tight black dresses), before looking at her friends with a raised eyebrow. “Well?”

“It’s (Y/N), she’s sick and I don’t know how. You’re the only person I could think of who would be able to help.” Michael explains.

“How’s she sick? People don’t get sick here, there’s nothing to get sick from.”

“Yes, we’ve established that.” Michael snaps, immediately regretting the tone of voice he used. “I’m sorry, it’s been…”

Madison nods, letting him know that she understands as she places a hand on his shoulder.

“Let me go grab some spell books that I think might help, and then I’ll meet you at (Y/N)’s room?” Her voice is uncharacteristically gentle, but Michael doesn’t have time to overanalyze this on top of everything else.

Madison disappears once Michael gives her the nod of approval. He goes to head back to (Y/N)’s room, thankful that he had ran into Desa before coming into contact with Thanatos. Speaking of which, the God of Death still looms behind Michael like a shadow. He hasn’t spoken since he greeted Madison, and Michael’s not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He notices Michael looking at him and smiles reassuringly.

“I’m going to conduct some research of my own, if that’s okay with you?”

“Of course. If I may ask, research on what subject?”

“I’m going to pay a visit to our dear friend Pythia.”

Pythia, the divine Oracle that was most frequently consulted at Delphi back during the height of Greek civilization. She, along with the rest of civilization, moved west as humanity advanced. As the roles of the gods changed throughout time, so did Pythia’s job. Now, she was mainly consulted to help decode texts or mediate between two warring parties. Her wisdom is still beyond compare to any Oracle, so she tends to demand quite the price for her knowledge of prophecies that were told to her.

“Make sure that she remembers that she owes me for helping to save her reputation after what happened with Castor and Pollux.” Just saying the names of those conniving twins makes Michael’s skin crawl, but he knows that Thanatos will have to namedrop in order to get her to actually recall that debacle.

“I will return with answers and, hopefully, a solution.” Thanatos hesitates for a moment, and Michael can tell that he’s considering whether what he’s about to say is overstepping his role as advisor. “(Y/N)’s a fighter, Michael. She’ll be okay.”

Michael smiles slightly, nodding. Thanatos, for all his fear-inducing qualities, can also be surprisingly reassuring when he wants to be.

“Thank you, Thanatos.” Both men disappear, albeit off to different locations.

Desa and Madison don’t even flinch when Michael shows up in (Y/N)’s room, both long-since accustomed to the act of transmutation. The handmaiden’s sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, having been instructed to keep watch over (Y/N). Truth be told, Desa probably would have assumed this position even if Michael hadn’t told her to; she’s become extremely attached to (Y/N). Madison’s standing over a sleeping (Y/N), eyes closed and muttering spells in Latin.

“How long has she been asleep for?” Michael asks, not able to take his eyes off of her form.

“Since before I came in here.” Desa answers, which means she must have fallen asleep right after Michael left.

Nobody wants to face the wrath of an interrupted Madison, so there’s nothing to do now but wait for her to finish. Michael sits on the bed next to (Y/N), stroking her hair. Her forehead’s still incredibly warm, the heat extending down and coloring her cheeks. It’s only another minute before Madison stops her chanting and opens her eyes.

“Was the fever the only noticeable symptom?” Madison asks.

“She got really dizzy, and almost passed out. She said she had been tired too, and I suspect she was dizzy for a while before I saw her.” Michael responds, looking up at the goddess. “Did you find anything out?”

“It’s...serious.” Michael’s breath hitches, and he grips (Y/N)’s hand as a result. It’s cold, and Michael focuses a bit of his power to help warm it up.

“How serious?”

“(Y/N)’s heart rate is really fast, so is her breathing. What makes this concerning is that her blood pressure is extremely low. I’m obviously not a doctor, but her body’s basically trying to fight itself.”

“But you can fix things, correct? You have potions and elixirs for for everything.”

“I’m going to get started on some potions, but it’s going to be a challenge.”

“Why?” His patience is running thin. Although Michael knows that it’s not Madison’s fault, he’s expecting (hoping) for it to be an easy fix.

“Because I still don’t know what she’s sick with, Michael. All of my potions are designed to attack at the source. I’m going to have to work backwards, and mix different potions together. It’s going to take some time.” Madison snaps. Michael sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose while he breathes deeply.

“I’m sorry, Madison. I shouldn’t have reacted like that, I know that you’re trying and I’m thankful for that.”

“It’s fine.” It’s not fine, but they’re all stressed right now. “I’m going to go get started. You should attend to your own duties, too. Desa will be here the whole time, and (Y/N)’s probably just going to be asleep.”

Madison leaves the room, throwing one last look back over her shoulder to make sure Michael’s okay.

“Lady Hecate is right, sir. (Y/N) will be okay.” Desa says, eyes cast down to her lap while she addresses her king.

“You’ll let me know if anything happens, right?” Desa looks shocked that Michael’s actually asking her a question, not demanding something of her or telling her what to do.

“Yes sir, I’ll even alert you when she wakes up if you’d like.” Michael nods, standing from the bed.

“Thank you, Desa. You’ve been a good friend to (Y/N), and a great asset to me. I appreciate it.” Desa looks like she’s about to pass out from the compliment, and Michael has to hold back a chuckle.

“Thank you, sir.” She squeaks, her face bright red.

Michael leans down and places a quick kiss to (Y/N)’s forehead, smiling when her eyes flutter at the sensation. With a quick glance, he’s out the door, a god on a mission.

Time passes in a blur when a person’s asleep. Sometimes, you’ll wake up for a moment after what you thought was an entire night’s worth of sleeping, only to find out that it was barely thirty minutes. Other times, you’ll nod off and wake up to discover that you were asleep for ten hours. You feel this way a lot lately; time is no match when it comes to sleep.

It reminds you a lot of your first days in the Underworld. You’ve even had the same dreams that you did so long ago, nightmares of fire and screaming and falling, but also dreams of family and friends and laughter. From what you’ve been able to discern when you’re awake and people are willing to give you answers, Madison’s spent three days trying to find a potion to cure you and Thanatos is still gone on a mission to visit an Oracle.

Consciousness is a plane that you constantly drift in and out of. Sometimes you’ll be awake for only a few moments, the heads of whoever’s visiting you swimming into your vision before you’re pulled back under. Other times, the pain of the fever wracking through your body has you crying out in agony for hours on end. You can see how concerned everybody is about you. Desa keeps watch over you day and night, always sitting in the chair closest to the window. Sometimes she works on sewing, or reads a book, but mostly she just watches you. She’s also extremely attentive, bringing glasses of water up to your trembling lips whenever you’re lucid enough to swallow.

Mostly, though, whenever you’re awake you see Michael. Apparently, Desa’s supposed to tell him the second you wake up, and tell him she does. It’s almost like magic (probably is magic, you remind yourself), how quickly he arrives when you’re awake. He refuses to leave until after you’re asleep, no matter how much you tell him that you’re fine. You’re not fine, and everybody knows it, but it’s nice to be hopeful.

He tries to get you to eat, although you can’t handle anything more than a few bites of toast a day. He holds you when the fever is at its worst, and reminds you where you are when you’re so sick that you’re delirious. If you think Desa’s attentive, Michael takes the meaning of that word to a whole different level. But in the times where you’re feeling well enough to hold a conversation, which seems to be getting fewer and fewer as the days without a diagnosis drag on, Michael’s so incredibly sweet. He’ll read to you, tell you his favorite stories, and just talk. It’s funny that it’s taken you getting critically ill for you to truly get to know Michael.

Although he doesn’t have much of a childhood to talk about when he asks about yours, he can still talk to you about the adventures he’s been on throughout his life. You talk about politics and religion, art and music, even things as inconsequential as your favorite colors. Now, you could say confidently that you know Michael more than you know your best friends. It’s funny, you find yourself thinking cynically, that you only get to know him as you near your death.

They should have known that this was coming. They’re gods, gods of various aspects of death and dying and all things dead, and they should have been able to recognize that a person suddenly gets better before they crash. You’ve been constantly lucid the past two days, and though your fever hadn’t broke, it had managed to stay at 100. You weren’t better, but you weren’t worse. It’s an extremely common part of the process of dying, and one they should have recognized. But they didn’t, and even if they had, it wouldn’t matter now.

Because you’re dying.

Everything around you is blurry, and you have to rely on voices to discern who’s who. The fever’s worse than ever, and even though someone is periodically dabbing your sweaty forehead with a wet cloth, you don’t feel hot. You’re actually pretty cold, and you’ve requested more blankets at least three times now. The blood that you’ve been heaving up leaves specks on your chapped lips, and your heart is beating so fast that you can hear it in your ears. Shakes wrack through your body, and the worst headache you’ve ever had has forced the lights to be dimmed.

“At least...you won’t have to worry about the apocalypse...now that I’m gonna die. You’ll have my soul. You win.” You try to joke, having to stop often to take deep breaths. Even though you can’t see clearly, you can still tell that Michael doesn’t smile.

“I wish it would work like that. Your soul is too pure, I’ll barely get to see you before you’ll go off to Elysium.”

“I can’t stay with you?”

“Souls that are untethered, that is, souls who aren’t assigned to their afterlives, they...fade away into nothing. The palace isn’t an afterlife, and even if it were, souls couldn’t be tethered to it.” You close your eyes, smiling bitterly and leaning back against the pillows.

“So this is it.” It’s not a question. You know that this is it.

“(Y/N)...” Your eyes open when you feel something wet on your face, and after focusing for a few moments you realize that Michael’s crying.

Reaching a shaking hand up to wipe them away startles Michael, who grabs your wrist with his own hand and leaning into the contact. Michael wants to speak, but he’s stopped by the door bursting open. You flinch at the sound of wood hitting the wall, causing a lightning bolt of pain to flare in your head.

“Michael.” A deep voice says. This must be Thanatos, who you never got the chance to properly meet.

“Finally back from visiting Pythia?” Michael’s voice is thick with emotion, and you rub circles on his cheek with your thumb.

“I am so sorry, it took me a week just to track her down.” Thanatos hangs his head in shame.

“Well, what did she say?”

“Not that it’ll help much, anyways. You’re too late.” Madison says from the corner of the room, where Zoe’s holding her after she broke down apologizing to you for not finding a cure.

“‘Nothing living can survive in the Underworld.’” Thanatos quotes.

“But...that doesn’t make sense? (Y/N)’s supposed to be the Queen of the Underworld, and even then her connection with the dead should exempt-” Michael doesn’t even care when Thanatos cuts him off, too preoccupied with studying you.

“I’m quoting Pythia directly. She said nothing about exemptions, just that nothing living can survive here. Period, end of sentence.”

“What about the flowers? (Y/N) made those grow.” Madison points out.

“But the second I passed by, they died.” Michael mutters before looking up at Madison. “By virtue of her powers, (Y/N) was giving them her life. Once she stopped focusing on them, they died.”

“Being here is what’s killing her.” They stare at each other for a long moment, and you almost wonder if they can communicate telepathically.

“I can’t leave, Satan’s not in Tartarus anymore and if I leave, he will attempt to seize the throne. You need to take her Above, Madison.”

You cry out, attempting to sit up. You can’t go back, not when you haven’t found a solution. Leaving not only means the end of the world, it also means that Michael could potentially die as his father tries to take the Underworld. It sucks, honestly, that it’s taken you being on the verge of dying to realize just how deeply you care for Michael.

“You could die if I leave!” You argue. Michael picks you up like you weigh nothing, and although you try to fight him off, you’re far too weak to inflict any real sort of pain on him.

“And you will die if you stay!” Your vision clears now that you’re nose-to-nose with Michael, and you can see just how fiercely he’s staring at you. “I won’t let you die, (Y/N). Even if it means having to give up the one thing that has brought me true happiness, I will not allow you to die.”

He deposits you into Madison’s arms, still refusing to let go of you.

“Take her to the hospital closest to her house. If anyone asks, you’re her roommate and you found her passed out on the floor when you got home from class. She’s been sick, but told you she was getting better.” Michael instructs, moving your hair out of your face.

“I’ll make sure she gets the best care possible.” Madison nods, her eyes speaking volumes more than her one sentence.

“I have one more thing to say, and then you need to leave immediately.” Michael takes your hand, looking you in the eyes once more. “I love you, (Y/N) (Y/L/N). I never thought I’d know what love is, but I do now. You are what love is, and I love you endlessly.”

He kisses your burning lips quickly before pulling away.

“Now, Madison!”

You’re not sure if Madison knocks you out so you’ll survive the strenuous journey Above, or if you pass out on your own, but you can feel unconsciousness enveloping you like a blanket. Tears are falling down your cheeks, and before you fully succumb to the blackness, you call out his name.

“Michael!”

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like flying [1] {Brian May}

A/N: Stardust AU!!! Mainly a set-up chapter. they/them, fallen star!reader, please please please let me know what you think!!

When one spends their life with their eyes trained on the sky, they tend to miss what’s right in front of them. 

Freddie says that a lot, usually when he’s up by the helm of the ship, and has just witnessed Brian, who is running across the deck trying to get the best vantage point of the sky through the clouds, run straight into John, who in fairness, is equally distracted by the impending storm.

“Could you at least warn us next time?” Brian calls over a crack of thunder.

“Being your guide dog isn’t my job.” Freddie’s glaring into the storm, a white-knuckled grip on the wheel as he prepared to whether it. John doesn’t seem too bothered by it, just picks up his scattered tools, straightens his googles, and heads towards the bow of the ship.

“What about you, ya jackal?” Brian levels a glare at where their resident Warlock had taken up residence on the banister of the quarterdeck, laughing as he watches the events unfold from his vantage point by the Captain. Roger sits with his ankles crossed, balancing with an unnatural ease, and for good reason; his favourite thing was using his magic to make it look like himself appear just that little bit better than the humans around him, irritating git. 

“You should watch where you’re going.” Is all he offers, eyes shining as he watches a crack of lightning streak across the sky.

“I’m trying to watch where we’re all going.” Brian huffs, rolling up his map and putting it in it’s holder for safekeeping. “Anyways, the storms dead ahead, you don’t need me to guide you. I’ll be down by the barrels until this is all over.” And with that he descends further into the ship to keep an eye on, and switch out the lightning barrels as they’re being filled.

From his vantage point on the gun deck, which had initially been for show, and had now been converted into the main collection point that all the lightning funnelled into, Brian could catch glimpses of the storm raging outside, and feel as it knocked the ship about. He had absolute faith in Deaky’s designs, they’d been through far worse and come out singing before, and for now he just contented himself with making sure that none of the lightning barrels overflowed, and occasionally catching a glimpse of stars through the clouds. 

There was no denying he was rather enamoured with them, at least as a concept; spending thousands of years bringing light to the world in it’s darkest hours, holding their constellations for hundred, even thousands of years, watching silently as the universe passes them by, all without complaint. There was something beautiful, artistic about the way they arranged themselves, something that made Brian feel so unbelievably small, and occasionally futile, in comparison. But their constant nature was often the only things that kept him sane aboard this ship, and so he wouldn’t begrudge the stars their shining constance, he’d just be thankful they shone at all, and kept him in a job, and ironically, kept him grounded. 

Roger joins him almost immediately after the storm passes. Brian’s carefully distilling a little of the freshest lightning into a little sample size if the buyer’s unconvinced of it’s quality, which is a tricky process involving heat-proof mittens and a weird metal hose, and Roger pulls off the lid of the barrel without a second thought. By now, Brian doesn’t even flinch; Roger’s adept at keeping the lightning contained with his magic and a flick of his wrist, and looks into the crackling metal barrel without any hesitation.

“Seems like we’ve got a good batch on our hands.” Roger tries to sound like he knows what he’s talking about, like he doesn’t say that every time because he’s a little in awe at the sight of what’s essentially bottled lightning. Brian doesn’t comment. “Well I appreciate your candor, I did do an excellent job.” Roger fills in the blanks with exactly what he wants to hear, and he steps back, stretching out his hand, and there’s a panic that rises in Brian’s chest as what appears to be an electrified serpent rises from the barrel.

“Do you have to show off like that?” Brian asks, deadpan, trying his hardest to hide the fear that the loud, electric snaps bring out in him. After a moment, he caps the sample and shuts off the little vent that he distills the lightning from before taking away the piping, while Roger rolls his eyes but obligingly shoves the lightning back into the barrel. 

As he’s capping it, his hold on the lightning slips for just a moment, and there’s a sudden burst as the not yet secured cap is torn through from his grip, rocketing faster than the eye can see up through the roof of the deck, and into the sky. Electricity bursts forth, fire blooming where the lighting hits the walls and floor in an instant, the very power of it sending both Roger and Brian to opposite ends of the room; it’s deafening, overwhelming, and it takes all of Roger’s focus to wrangle the electricity back under control.

“Spare lid!” He shouts, which Brian parrots back mockingly, looking around.

“We’ve never needed a spare lid why would we have one?!” He cries, and can hear, in the now still night air outside, Freddie cursing up a blue streak as he and Deaky come over to the newly formed hole in the floor of the deck to investigate. 

“Because it’s better to be safe than sorry!” Roger retorts, and suddenly there’s a pair of goggles looking down at them, Deaky, alongside their incredibly annoyed Captain.

“What the blood hell has happened?”

“Roger-” Brian tried to explain as he was putting out fires across the room, but he was cut off.

“We need a spare lid for this batch, okay? I’ll explain after.” Roger insisted, much to both Freddie and Brian’s chagrin.

“We don’t have a spare lid.” Deaky responded, and his face disappeared from the hole where they had been looking in. Freddie’s gaze turns skyward, as if trying to see if the lid was falling back to Earth, though he seemed transfixed.

“Ha! I told you!” Brian cried, and Roger rolled his eyes, as Deaky showed up at the door a few moments later, pulling various items from his tool belt as he set about making a make-shift lid.

“It won’t hold forever.” Deaky explained, “and we can’t sell this batch, I’ve basically just welded a metal plate to the top, and added some insulator. We need to get a new lid.” Roger relaxed, the sudden exertion and overuse of his powers hitting him all at once, though they all jumped when he let go of his hold of the electricity and it crashed threateningly at the new lid.

“How long do we have?” Roger asks, arms crossed as he puts out an on-fire chair with a wave of his hand before collapsing into it. Brian wants to make a snarky remark, but he’s too busy putting out fires of his own, and even at a glance Roger looks like he’s death standing, or sitting as the case may be; either way he’s at his limit. 

“A few days, maybe? I did the best I could given,” and he waves his hand around the ashy room and scattered supplies, “but those lids are specially designed.” And after stamping out a fire by the door, he takes off his goggles. “Worst comes to worst, I can crack the lid and we can chuck it overboard; it’ll come loose in the air and won’t be our problem.” 

“And waste a perfectly good barrel? I don’t think so, dear; we’re going to get our lid.” Freddie sounds so confident that it’s a little unnerving, and he’s still looking at the sky. Brian peers up through the hole and tries to follow his gaze.

“How do you even know where it is?” He asked, and Freddie turned with a bright smile, pointing at light in the sky growing steadily brighter at an alarming rate.

“Because it hit a star, and we can watch where it falls.”

The thing about you is that you adored humanity, you just never understood them. You’d always been so caught up in their day-to-day intricacies that you’d never been bored watching empires come and go, or see history repeat itself over and over again. Each little era brought something new, something to shake up the routine, and everyone’s personal lives, and sometimes you were even able to catch a glimpse of love. That was your favourite thing to watch, the way people would fall in love time and time again, and there’s little patterns, people drawn to one another, sometimes you feel as if you’re watching the same souls come back to each other over and over again. If you liked to fantasize about being one of those souls, you would never say anything to the others who shine beside you, bored with the ebb and flow with time that seemed to change little with each passing eon. 

You knew, objectively, that there were people who looked up at you, who even perhaps loved you, but it wasn’t the same, you couldn’t tell them you loved them in the same way, and after all, you liked it where you were, free from the fear of having your heart eaten like you’d seen happen to your brothers and sisters before, free from the fear of rejection; humans tend to like humans, and you knew if given half a chance you’d want to act out your little fantasy. But it wouldn’t come true; even people who looked up at the stars learned to love something on the ground, you’d seen it happen too many times. 

You were secure where you were, one of the brightest shining stars in the sky, glowing as you delighted in the antics of the people below you, and you never thought that would have to change. 

Until what seems to be a metal plate smacks you in the chest, winding you and knocking you from your perch in the sky. You weren’t even able to cry for help as you crash through the atmosphere. Fear has a stranglehold on your whole body, all you can do is clutch the metal to your chest as the ground approaches, and part of you, in hindsight, will be glad that you passed out before you hit the ground.

deadly viper assassination squad: @strangeandwonderfulconcepts @thatgeekspeak @some-back-ground-noise @ma-ntequilla @d-r-e-a-m-catchme @legendsaresooftenwarnings​ @phantom-fangirl-stuff @obsessedwithrogertaylor​ @cosmicsskies​ @sam-writes​ @queen-mischief-fanfiction​

(i just tagged everyone who expressed interest; tag list is always open, feel free to message me or comment on the fic and i’ll add you xx)

On Moral Ambiguity in Fiction

And where it works and where it doesn’t (at least for me), using Star Wars and Harry Potter as sort of examples/case studies/what have you.

Couple sort of definition things to get out of the way--first, when I say ‘moral ambiguity,’ I’m talking specifically about characters and character arcs/dynamics, rather than overall situations/plotlines. Because the two universes, as a whole, are pretty firmly “there is Real Evil and we are going to Defeat It” type of stories. And both verses also have clear and obvious Evil Bad Guys Who Ruin Everything (Palpatine and Voldemort).

I should also say, as a sort of disclaimer before we get started, that I really like nuance, especially when it comes to characters and character alignments. I have a thing for double agents; for people who were once good but now evil, or were once evil but now good, or who are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, and exactly where they end up depends on the weather/time of day/what have you. Which is not to say that I don’t enjoy the Obviously Evil villains, or the True Good heroes. Honestly, I think that a universe that has variety going for it tends to work the best.

Last definition - there’s a few different ways to do a Morally Ambiguous/Grey Area character. There are the fallen heroes, of course, and the redeemed villains. There are also “technically on our side in the bigger fight against Evil but also really shitty people” or “Your Allies Can Be Assholes”; and “clearly our enemy but also in some ways a decent person with whom we can Empathize” or “Your Enemies Can Be Decent People.”

(Also, while I’m not really going to focus on them here, I should mention that there are also sympathetic villains, who are never redeemed or switch sides or anything, and remain entirely Villains throughout, but have enough character development/humanizing characteristics that you can at least somewhat empathize with them even as they’re Horrible People who do Horrible Things. I’m leaving them out primarily because characters in that category tend to need way more in-depth discussion/their own essays about where they fall on the good vs. bad line; and besides I’d rather focus on different kinds of Morally Ambiguous/Grey Area characters for the purposes of this essay. Also, while I think there are examples in both verses, characters in this category tend to be very much YMMV. Basically, there’s a sliding scale from “Pure Evil” up to “Your Enemies Can Be Decent People,” and I’m trying to pick my examples that sit further on the lighter end of the greyscale here.)

Right. On to the actual discussion. Star Wars, on the surface, bills itself as straightforward good-vs-evil/Fairy Tale Logic/“once you start down the dark path” etc., etc. Harry Potter, on the other hand, has that great line: “the world isn’t divided into Good People and Death Eaters.”

Of course, once you actually start digging into it, Star Wars is absolutely not what it claims to be, and Harry Potter, while not technically wrong, fails to deliver on everything that statement implies.

When I look at Harry Potter, there are certainly a lot of Morally Ambiguous characters involved. We have Dumbledore, who fits into “Your Allies Can Be Assholes;” Barty Crouch, Sr. fits into this category as well. You have Fallen Heroes, with Pettigrew being the primary example. You have people who are maybe not technically actively working for/with the Big Bad, but are still Truly Awful People; i.e., Vernon Dursley. And you have people who are maybe on your side and maybe not assholes, per se, but have their heads so far up their asses with their preconceptions/have so many blinders on that they move past useless into actively obstructionist; i.e., Fudge.

But what you don’t find is the flipside of that. I can’t think of a single person who falls under “Your Enemies Can Be Decent People.” And while I can think of a few “redeemed” villains, they’re either so badly handled they become Your Allies Can Be Assholes (Snape), exist entirely in Backstoryland and thus don’t really have personalities or anything to latch on to (Regulus Black), or are barely present in the narrative by the time they have their Heel Realization (Dudley).

And that’s...like...leaving aside all the other issues with Harry Potter that have been cropping up in hindsight over the past few years...I think that’s a large part of why I fell out of love with the franchise. Like I said, I have a thing for double agents and grey-area/ambiguous characters, and I think a lot of it comes from the way I read this series when I was younger. I mean, it comes from some other places, too, but HP was a big one (probably because HP was such a big Thing for a long time overall, in my life and in pop culture in general). But looking back, it’s...really not what I thought it was. And it’s such a bleak, crapsack worldview, you know? “The bad guys are Bad Guys, but gueeeeess what! So are a good chunk of the nominal Good Guys!”

So, no, the world isn’t divided into Good People and Death Eaters. Technically. But it’s divided into Death Eaters, Other Bad People, and A Few Trustworthy Friends.

When I look at Star Wars, on the other hand--yeah, there are definitely Your Allies Can Be Assholes characters running around. Saw Gerrera, at least in Rebels and Rogue One, is of course the primary example. But there’s also--like, Borsk Fey’lya in Legends. And, depending on the reader/writer/narrator, various characters could fall into the “so many blinders on that they move past useless into actively obstructionist” categories. Plus, characters like Hondo, and others from the seedier side of the galaxy who are Not Good and Only Occasionally Nice, but they’re reasonable allies against the True Evils out there. And of course we have our Fallen Heroes--even if we exclude Anakin from this conversation, we have at the very least Barriss, to say nothing of Dooku and Pong Krell (we don’t really see either of them in their not-fallen hero state, but we know it existed at some point).

But you know what Star Wars also has?

The other side of this coin.

Again, even if we exclude Anakin and Vader from this conversation. Redeemed villains and “Your Enemies Can Be Decent People” are all over the place. I mean, there’s obviously my best beloved Alexsandr Kallus, but there’s also Bodhi Rook and Galen Erso; there’s General Madine (another super-prominent defector); going to Legends there’s Mara Jade and Gilad Pellaeon; there’s Ventress, who was a good person and then fell and then slowly starts finding her way back; there’s my girl Bo-Katan, who joined Death Watch and probably murdered A Lot of people, and then realized Just How Awful things were and tried to fix it. (...side note, I kinda ship Ventress and Bo-Katan, anyone with me? XD). I’m still catching up on some of the canon novels/haven’t really played the video games, but I know through Tumblr/fandom osmosis there are examples there, too.

Plus, something that came up quite a few times in the Clone Wars was that, apart from Palpatine and Dooku and their inner circles, the majority of people on both sides of the conflict genuinely believed they were fighting on the side of Right; and the Separatists actually did have some legit points about the way the Republic government was messed up. (Which is one of the bits I had a slight issue with in Queen’s Shadow, that they seemed to be taking that away from Mina Bonteri a little bit by having her in contact with someone who seemed to be either Sidious or Tyranus, but I digress.) But the PT era in general is where ambiguity and complicated politics lives, and this also starts getting into some YMMV territory, similar to Sympathetic Villains, so I’ll leave it at that.

I think that what it comes down to, really, is that HP, for all it makes its moral ambiguity explicit/centers it/talks about it, leans hard into the Your Allies Can Be Assholes aspect, while Star Wars leans more towards the Your Enemies Can Be Decent People side of things. And, again, this is not saying that there isn’t a range of quality in how these things can be handled. Like, Your Allies Can Be Assholes, when handled well, can be really engaging/amazing. And Your Enemies Can Be Decent People can quickly go in all kinds of bad directions if it’s not handled well.

But overall, a story that leans more towards the second is more hopeful. One of the main arc words in SW is hope, and I think that’s why the grey-area characters work so much better there, because they support that thesis, so to speak.

I also think that Star Wars has a much more balanced greyscale than HP does. Like, the Your Enemies Can Be Decent People is more prominent because, again, the series’ watchword is Hope, but there's still quite a few Not Nice people on the side of Good, which adds its own layer of nuance/interest, at least for me. ...and, you know, the fact that Star Wars has both Pure Evil and more nuanced villains/antagonists probably contributes to that. It might be that this kind of Moral Ambiguity works best when there is a clearly defined Evil to compare it against. Both in terms of the greyscale good guys and the greyscale bad guys.

In the end, I think there’s probably a lot of things that go into it, but overall the ambiguity in SW works so much better for me than HP. And I think the distribution along that sliding scale is a huge part of it. Because HP’s version kind of boils down to ‘Life Sucks; sure there are a few Good People who try to make it suck less, but most of the people, even on your side, are kind of awful’ and SW’s version boils down to ‘there is hope, even if it doesn’t always pan out; yes there is evil in this world and there are some, even on your side, who might choose it and refuse to change--but there are at least as many people who turn their back on it, even if it takes them a while.’ Both acknowledge that there is Evil in the world, and that dealing with it isn’t always simple or clear-cut, but SW takes a broader, more nuanced look at that question. Even if it doesn’t outright say that’s what it’s doing.

(And, sure, the fact that HP promised things it didn’t/couldn’t deliver and handled a few of the examples it tried to provide really badly doesn’t help, but...yeah.)

So, there it is. A lot of Personal Opinion, obviously, but...I feel like I might be on to something here? What are your thoughts?

((Also, I’m aware that I didn’t talk about the ST like at all, but that’s because, at least IMO, the ST has fewer morally ambiguous characters in general, at least in the sense I’m talking about. That being said, there’s at least the one guy from the Phasma frame story who falls into Your Enemies Can Be Decent People; and I guess I technically could have mentioned Kylo Ren when talking about fallen heroes, on the same justification I included Dooku/Pong Krell, even though I personally find him much less interesting than Dooku, in particular...Anyway, what I’ve noticed in the ST is that, when people are working at cross-purposes, they tend to still be firmly on one side or the other, just with differently-aligned priorities. And/or are Hondo, who marches to the beat of his own drum and always will. I love that he’s still around XD.))

Every Record I Own - Day 287: Daughters Hell Songs

Very few “heavy” bands truly live up to the misanthropy they project through their music. But Daughters were different. Over the course of a U.S. tour together, I got to know the guys in the band pretty well, and they were a rare instance where their personalities were as fucked up as their music. Don’t get me wrong---they were all great people. But there was something inherently damaged in their chemistry. They were barely functional as a unit, but that made their music seem all the more dangerous.

A year or two after that tour, Continuum Books announced open submissions for their 33 1/3 book series, wherein authors analyze classic albums and assess their cultural impact. I knew I didn’t stand a chance, but I pitched a book on Hell Songs. My thesis was pretty basic: heavy music is typically just theater, but Daughters was real life drama, and that made their music that much more intense. As per their submission guidelines, I wrote an opening chapter. The pitch was rejected, but I wound up posting the chapter online, where it caught the attention of Robotic Empire, the label that put out Daughters’ debut LP. They offered to print the book. And so for the next year-and-a-half I dedicated all my spare time to questioning the individual band members, chasing down old tour mates, stitching together the chronology of their history, reading old interviews, and writing the damn thing. I submitted a first draft to the band and waited two weeks to hear back from them.

They eventually asked to cancel the project. There were disagreements within their camp as to how shit actually went down. And, understandably, there were a lot of grimy details that they weren’t too excited to share publicly. It was disappointing, but understandable. I figured a certain amount of rejection is inevitable as a writer, and this one at least had a valid excuse, so there wasn’t much of a sting.

Anyhow, I’ve posted the first chapter after the jump. The writing seems a little corny now, so maybe I ultimately dodged a bullet.

“Yeah, I’ve been called a sinner...”

And so begins Daughter’s 2006 sophomore album Hell Songs--with a declaration of degradation. Vocalist Alexis S.F. Marshall, or Lex for short, wears the insult proudly, announcing it with the kind of defiant pride of Hester Prynne and her scarlet letter. And then a cascade of noise descends upon the final syllable. The song, “Daughters Spelled Wrong”, is one minute and 42 seconds of Lex’s self-flagellations delivered in a slurred Southern Baptist preacher’s drawl. In that short parcel of time, Lex lists off every slanderous label he’s endured.

“…wrong-doer, evil-doer…”

As the front man for Daughters, Lex was the human element to the band. And while his performance on Hell Songsis unnerving enough in its own right, his tirades became exponentially more menacing live. With his stringy waist-long hair, his tall and gangly frame, his wiry handle-bar mustache, his hopelessly tattered black pants (apparently his only pair), and his ill-fitting stained white dress shirt, he gave off an aura of someone who didn’t give a fuck about the pageantry of rock music. He wasn’t even fashionably unfashionable. Grooming, hygiene, and composure were neglected. He looked disheveled, poverty-stricken, strung out. Most Daughters sets found Lex in less attire, usually just a pair of briefs. Far from the display of muscle and machismo seen in chiseled frontmen like Henry Rollins, Anthony Kiedis, and Chris Cornell, there was nothing erotic about near-nude Lex. Sexual? Certainly, but only in the most degrading, animalistic sense of the word. Lex’s stage presence only served to make the audience as uncomfortable as possible. He would claw red lines into his belly, cram his entire fist into his mouth, fellate the microphone, and drool on himself while fondling his genitals. In moments where audience members chose to interact with him on stage, the results were equally filthy. People vied for his spit. Women pulled at his briefs. Fans fondled and licked his exposed cock. A confessed “sex addict”, Lex would swap spit with both men and women mid-set and fuck fans in venue bathrooms. His tally of sexual conquests was startling, given his disturbing stage behavior and lack of sociability. Claiming a bad acid trip as the root of his social anxiety, Lex was nearly bipolar in his daily interactions. He was relatively friendly and talkative one moment, withdrawn and angry the next. A ninth-grade drop out and former homeless teenager, his bleak world-view was legitimate.

“…worker of iniquities…”

There’s no verse. No chorus. No rhyming scheme. No melody. It’s just one musical phrase repeating for the entire duration of the song. The instrumental accompaniment sounds like a broken machine filtered through the ears of someone simultaneously shuddering through a panic attack and immersed in vertigo. The sound underneath Lex’s litany is a study in all things wrong and counter-intuitive. The band—comprised of entirely capable and talented players—sounds like they’re deliberately unlearning their instruments. Cymbals crash without a kick drum to punctuate them. The bass guitar dives and climbs with little regard for actual notes. One guitar avoids the lower octaves completely and opts instead for atonal high-end screeching and skronky discord. The other guitar remains stuck on one warbled, seasick riff through the whole song, sounding off-balance and broken even when the whole band locks in around it. It’s confounding, ugly music.

“…transgressor, bad example, scoundrel, villain, knave…”

The annals of rock music have no shortage of bands showcasing the darker side of human nature. Ever since Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil, ever since Jerry Lee Lewis set his piano on fire, ever since Iggy Pop rolled in broken glass, there has existed a certain sector of the rock community dedicated to exorcising its demons on stage. It’s the reason that concerned parents and church groups still argue that rock music is evil. This flagrant display of bad behavior, self-destruction, and reckless abandon is at the very root of rock music. And perpetuating rock’s legacy of danger requires raising the bar of rebellion. As rock music nears the age of retirement, its old tricks no longer impress young audiences. Chuck Berry and Little Richard carry none of the threat they did in their heyday. KISS terrified puritanical parents with the widespread rumors of their name serving as an acronym for Kids In Satan’s Service, but now they seem downright Christian in comparison to the blasphemous content of black metal bands like Gorgoroth. So prevalent is the anti-social contingent of music in today’s market that it’s hardly noteworthy for a band to parade its malice for an audience. The harder edged realms of rock music—metal and punk, for example—depend on that kind of antagonism. Daughters looked for one of those last few buttons to push, one of those last few taboos to break, one the last few ways to make people cringe. Perry Farrell noted well over two decades ago “nothing’s shocking.” Daughters challenged that statement.

“…miscreant, viper, wretch, the devil incarnate…”

It takes a certain brand of individuals to make nihilism translate into music, and it requires their contempt to be believable. Words like “genuine”, “sincerity”, and “honesty” get thrown around by critics and fans as signifiers of good music. How do those qualities apply to antagonistic musicians? Do the artists have to be genuinely miserable people to make convincingly ugly music? The artists who are typically the most successful at channeling this kind of dark art manage to convey that wrath and misery in both content and form. It’s not just a matter of singing about the pasty underbelly of the human psyche or throwing a few skulls on an album cover; it’s about the thoroughness of pessimism. It’s about creating a genuine sense of danger. And it requires a misanthropic honesty that carries itself both on and off-stage. It used to be that the entirety of the public’s perception of an artist stemmed from image they set forth on stage and on record. In the age of the internet, this is no longer the case. Even more so for a band of Daughter’s stature—a band that rarely had a backstage to slink off to, a band that still had to unload their own gear off stage, a band that still had to run back to the merch booth after their set to sling t-shirts for gas money, a band with no place to hide and sustain a fabricated mystique.

“…monster, demon, fallen angel, murderer, and thief…”

The Catch-22 is that being in a successful band—a band that can write music together, play shows, tour, record, maybe even make a little money—requires unity, solidarity, positivity, compromise, and sociability. In other words, a band that’s genuinely driven by angst and hostility is doomed for failure. Proof of the unsustainable nature of these kinds of acts is most evident in the dearth of popular nihilistic bands. Even the somewhat well-known misery peddlers tend to be tragically stunted. Notorious shock rock icon GG Allin made a career out of anti-social behavior and bilious lyrical themes. He was known to take the stage naked, ready to fight the audience and fling his feces at the crowd. He wrote songs with titles like “Last In Line For The Gang Bang” and “Fuckin’ The Dog”. He famously promised to kill himself on stage, which would have been the ultimate display of the self-destructive nature of negative music, but a heroin overdose beat him to it. Glen Benton, the vocalist and bassist for seminal death metal band Deicide similarly promised to off himself at the age of 33 as a mockery of Jesus Christ’s year of death. Benton failed to live up to his word. And while he will always be remembered for the controversy he created in his early career by branding an inverted cross into his forehead and advocating animal sacrifice, he tempered out in his later years when he became a family man with a wife and kids. Not surprisingly, the quality of Deicide’s albums declined, as did their album sales. Allin went too close to the edge and fell into the abyss. Benton mellowed out. Neither managed to sustain the malice of their classic records over a protracted career. Daughter’s brand of ugliness had none of Allin’s overt misogyny and violence, none of Deicide’s Christian-baiting Satanism. Instead, they specialized in a kind of implied depravity. Lex wouldn’t attack the venue patrons, but he’d do everything else in his power to make the audience take a squeamish step back. Even though their album title references Hell, there was no trumpeting of a contrarian religion in their lyrics, no acknowledgement of moral consequence. Instead, Lex sang about emotional voids. It somehow made Lex scarier than GG or Glen. He seemed smarter. Colder. Less confrontational, but also less vested in cheap stunts and outlandish behavior for the sake of winning over anyone’s approval. He wasn’t interested in violence. He was interested in degrading himself on stage, forcing the audience into an unnerving kind of voyeurism.

“…lost sheep, black sheep, black guard, loafer, and sneak…”

Even the millionaire “bad boys of rock”—artists like Alice Cooper, Guns N’ Roses, and Motley Crue—aren’t exempt from the imbalance of nihilism and authenticity. For one thing, these cultural giants never tread so far into the blackness that you feared them as people. Their worst crimes were their hedonistic appetites. They still came across as people that would be fun to party with. Marilyn Manson managed to up the ante of anti-social behavior in the ‘90s, but the controversy was calculated. Manson always knew how to articulate his more vitriolic statements in a calm, well-spoken, intellectual manner. It was obviously theater. Daughters didn’t come across as the life of the party. They didn’t come across as having any sort of deeper, thoughtful meaning to their art. They came across as genuinely bitter, crass, resentful individuals.

“…good-for-nothing ass-fucking son of a bitch.”

Daughters were a band that tried to find that balance between thorough, real ugliness and some kind of self-sustaining functionality. They wanted to be successful; they wanted to tour the world and make money. But they also wanted to make something truly hideous and uncomfortable. Their debut album, Canada Songs, was an 11-minute surge of hyper-paced noise-driven hardcore. Occupying the kind of punk/metal hybrid territory instigated by bands like The Locust and Dillinger Escape Plan, Daughters found an immediate audience among fans of frenzied, technical music. It was well-received, but not entirely unconventional for that particular style. But Hell Songs was different. The band ditched their lightning-speed tempos, metal-steeped instrumentation, and shrieking, indecipherable vocals for disjointed mid-tempo lurches and Lex’s drunken oratory. They weeded their old material out of their performances. The fans felt betrayed. They had gone from sounding like the arty descendents of the powerviolence and grindcore scenes into a tightly wound meth-fed version of The Birthday Party. There was a much stronger adversarial vibe to their new approach. Their sound was less tethered to any particular scene. It alienated a fan base that was already built on embracing disenfranchisement and being at odds with everything.

But deservedly, the record found an audience, albeit a small one. For as caustic and abrasive of an album as it is, there’s a surprising catchiness to the material. The low end groans; the high end piercingly buzzes like a swarm of insects; the drums flit from spasms of hyperkinetic pulverizations to deconstructed thuds and clatter; and Lex moans and howls over all of it. Yet somehow, Hell Songs is rife with hooks. There was a discipline to what they did. It could’ve easily devolved into white noise, but there was always a clarity and separation to the instruments. They were a tight band. And for the three years that followed the release of Hell Songs before the group imploded, Daughters came about as close as any band can get to being a total train wreck without rattling apart at the seams. There was fighting, a rotating cast of guitar players, drugs, infidelities, van accidents, hospital trips, lost money, rivalries with tourmates, promoters pulling guns on the band, and an never-ending list of lewd stage behavior. They were a fascinating, glorious mess, and they perfectly captured it over the course of ten songs.

“I’ve been called a sinner.”

Jaylen Short

Core Composition II

Analytical Blog Post

2/22/2019

Professor Mohrman

The Super Bowl 2019 Michelob Ultra beer advertisement encourages all of us to cherish the little things in life that actually matter. The robots in this commercial perform human activities more effectively than the humans ever could competitively.As a result, the robotic figures miss out on the genuine quality things in life that make life worth living due to their competitive nature. Michelob Ultra is a beer company that believes that consuming their products will make your life more valuable than what it was before. In the beginning of the advertisement, the technological robot machine was outrunning two human beings which signifies that the robot was more effective in its physical fitness workout. As the robot passes by the two runners, the humans look at each other blankly due to the fact that the robot was performing in an uncommon way. The next scene of the advertisement switches over to a golf course in which human beings are swinging their clubs and hitting golf balls onto the field for practice. They hit the balls at a fairly normal rate, however an orange colored robot is also on the golf course hitting golf balls at an insanely fast rate compared to the human beings. A human golfer forms an odd look on his face as he witnesses the robotic figure striking the golf balls at unbelievable speeds. From the golf course, the commercial brings us into the gym where a female human being is striking a punching bag and working on her punching techniques. She witnesses a robotic figure also in the gym practicing . However, the power of the punch produced from the robot causes the punching bag to break off. . The scene goes back to the female boxer as she has a look of disbelief on her face. Lastly, in the competitive nature of the robots, the commercial then switches the scene to a yellow robot that is playing the role of a bicycling class teacher leading a group of human beings. It shows us a female student struggling to keep up to the cycling speed demonstrated by the robotic teacher. The yellow robot is cycling at an insane speed and its impossible for the human students to keep up.  

In the commercial, the robots have been known for performing basic human activities on an extreme level off efficiency, beyond the abilities of basic human beings. The competitive nature of the robots cause them to miss the things in life that are worth living for. At the end of the advertisement, the scene shows a few friends gathered together enjoying beer inside a building from the Michelob Ultra brand. This last scene of this beer advertisement is the most significant because it shows us the importance of enjoying the little things in life rather than over achieving your fellow human beings. The part that makes the last scene significant is where a competitive robot looks inside the building with a shocked facial expression and sees the friends having a great time together and not competing against each other. It then presents a text that says “It’s only worth it, if you can enjoy it.”. This text is very important because it describes how things in life are worth it because it is enjoyable and other things in life are not as important and are not of much value. ‘This advertisement teaches us to enjoy the little things in life, and to cherish the fact that if life were made easy to accomplish then there is no value assigned to whatever it is that you are doing, simply because you already know it can be easily done.  

A second commercial in the 2019 Super Bowl brings out a political viewpoint and encourages us to value the hard work and dedication of The Washington Post employees. . In the beginning of the advertisement, it shows us a scene about the allies attacking the beach in Normandy in the middle of World War II, this day was also known as “D-Day”. While the war picture was shown, the narrator spoke “When we go off to war...”1 The commercial transitions the scene to a very significant event from the Civil Rights Movement during the years 1954-1968. The event that was shown in the commercial was the “March on Selma” led by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. During this picture, the narrator says “When we exercise our rights...”. So far the commercial is leading us towards a bigger picture based off of the content that we have seen so far. Next, the narrator quotes “When we soar, to our greatest heights...” while displaying an American flag on the moon. Neil Armstrong was famous for making the mark and being the face of America on the moon. Implanting the American flag into the moon has set America to a higher standard and was recognized by all of the world. Transitioning from this scene, the clip shows us a funeral that is held by government officials. The casket is wrapped in the American flag and there are civilian people surrounding it. The funeral may have been for a dead president, a fallen soldier, or the loved one of a political leader. During this scene, the narrator quotes “When we mourn, and pray...”. The narrator is trying to get us to understand that it is important to come together during difficult times and struggle. For example, the event of 9/11 was a devastating tragedy for the U.S. but the tragic event was what brought all of us together to defend our country and to look out for one another.  The commercial then shows us a picture of construction workers doing dangerous work. In the background of this picture it looks volcanic and extremely hazardous. During the scene, the narrator says “When our neighbors are at risk.” This is a way of enlightening us to the fact that there are people in this country who make sacrifices, just for the safety and wellbeing of other people.  

These people could be military soldiers, construction workers, firefighters, policemen, education teachers, political leaders, or any other type of person that makes sacrifices to make this country safe  . The last scene shows us a picture of buildings that have been attacked by other forces. While this picture is being displayed to us, the narrator says “When our nation is threatened...”. The point of this commercial is to get the viewers to understand that people who tell us stories about what’s happening in the world make sacrifices to get the citizens all the details on things that they should know. Employees from the Washington Post have sacrificed their lives just so that America could be exposed to important information in the world.Austin Tice was a journalist for the Washington post who was captured in Syria on August 14, 2012. Marie Colvin worked for “The Sunday Times” and was killed on the date February 22, 2012. Jamal Khashoggi was a worker for the Washington Post, and passed away on October 2, 2018. These people are significant to society because they helped deliver important news information to the U.S.. We need these people because without them we would not know certain information and without certain knowledge it is  very difficult to take action. One of the last scenes of this advertisement shows us the Statue of Liberty while displaying the words “Knowing keeps us free”. Having knowledge on the news of the world frees us to take action what needs to be done, especially as a country.  

In conclusion, these advertisements are a strong encouraging message to become better U.S. citizens. From the first Super Bowl 2019 advertisement, the Michelob Ultra company sends out a positive message to the viewers around the world that something is only worth it , if you can enjoy it. The robotic figures were an icon for people who take life for granted. Taking life for granted can also be substituted for being ungrateful and focusing on the wrong things of your life. In relation, the commercial about The Washington Post brought the viewers a saddening viewpoint of employees from the company. It teaches people to value the hard work and dedication of workers who benefit society around the United States of America. Some commercials are for advertising and humor to the public, and other commercials are for presenting a valuable lesson to help improve the citizens of the country.

Works Cited

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDjfg8YlKHc&t=1s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNfv9wsttKE

You know what's always good to come back to? Crying about STAR WARS fic because, honestly, there's a lot to cry about. From ongoing fics that keep me glued to them to fic dealing with Rebels' finale (and the feelings I need to process via fic) to post-The Last Jedi pieces that are exactly what I needed to character pieces for Leia to time travel fics that I'm clawing for more of to alternate universes where things are entirely different or echo canon in heartbreaking and/or hilarious ways to Force Ghosts, STAR WARS FIC IS THE BEST.

✦ Luminous being by stonefreeak, obi-wan, 1k     Ever since he first drew breath, the Force has been with Obi-Wan Kenobi. ✦ Drive It Like You Stole It by victoria_p (musesfool), han/leia, 1.2k     Sometimes she feels like she's nothing but wanting, and these stolen hours with Han are the only thing that satisfy her. ✦ Squad Goals by igrockspock, leia & poe & rey & rose & finn & connix, 11k     The surviving members of the Resistance decide the best way to help Leia is to take her on a recruiting mission to Rose's home world. ✦ One Last Goodbye by glompcat, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, ~1k     A missing moment between Ahsoka and everyone's favorite Force Ghosts during the finale. ✦ Equinox by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, some d/s, 76.8k wip     During the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on a remote planet and take shelter in the ruins of a grand estate only to find they are not alone. ✦ The Devil's Own by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, regency au, human au, 5.3k wip     Some whisper the Skywalker family is the devil’s own, and no tutors in the area will take on the orphaned Lord. ✦ Never, Not Once by victoria_p (musesfool), obi-wan/anakin, ~1k     The one person Obi-Wan's never been able to lie to successfully is himself. ✦ Open Circle by Calyss, obi-wan/anakin & cast, sith!obi-wan, 52.3k wip     Finding one single person in an entire galaxy? Harder than finding a pin in a haystack, but not impossible. Bringing back a fallen Jedi to the Light? Anakin doesn't have much hope to succeed but he will do it, or die trying. Because Obi-Wan fell for him. ✦ In Time by Ripki, obi-wan & anakin & cast, time travel, 14.3k wip     (Or the Force, frustrated and tired with all their bullshit, sends the Team to an unconventional couple’s therapy.) ✦ untitled by lurkingcrow, obi-wan/anakin, sith!obi-wan, ~1k     The first thing to remember is that Obi-Wan Kenobi Fell for the sake of another. ✦ untitled by swhurtcomfort, obi-wan & anakin & bant, ~1.1k     “Well, Obi-Wan” Bant said. Obi-Wan jolted awake from a catnap he didn’t realize he was taking when his old friend strode into the room, scrolling through a chart on her datapad. “Your blood sugar’s fine, lab results look fine, and I’m not seeing any problem with your heart readout.” ✦ And If Your Glass Heart Should Crack by victoria_p (musesfool), leia, ~1k     Sometimes, Leia feels as if she's spent her whole life grieving. ✦ Useful by igrockspock, leia & luke & han, 1.4k     To earn her place on the Falcon, Leia has to be useful, so she tries to learn everything she can. ✦ Certainty by zarabithia, obi-wan/anakin/padme, ~1k     Padmé responds differently to Obi-Wan and Anakin after their ten year separation than she did in Attack of the Clones. As a result, everyone gets a happy ending. ✦ Atoms and Space by mewgirl1995, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka, 6k     During a standard supply run, Ahsoka, Obi-Wan, and Anakin crash land on an unknown planet. Something ominous lurks behind the seemingly innocent exterior and the three of them struggle to escape before the planet consumes them. ✦ Do Not Go Gentle by Glare, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & cast, a/b/o, 12.2k wip     Anakin Skywalker is only six months into his Jedi training when he goes missing on a mission, bringing his Master’s life crashing down. Unable to recover from the loss, Alpha Obi-Wan Kenobi grieves his Padawan’s uncertain fate, unaware that his life would once again be turned on end with the arrival of an Omega Sith Lord to the Temple ten years later. ✦ Tooka Trouble by DonkerRood, obi-wan/anakin & mace, 1.4k     Obi-Wan and Anakin have been turned into adorable tooka kittens by the Force. What now? ✦ Run by Selcier, obi-wan/anakin, modern au, human au, 1.1k     Sometimes, his morning run isn't enough to clear his mind. ✦ 'Destiny' Is Another Word for 'Coincidence' by ambiguously, ezra/leia (sort of) & sabine(/leia background) & cast, 8.4k     Ezra asks Leia out on a date. This is a terrible idea. ✦ An (Un)fortunate Haunting by Kooriicolada (WHM_Koorii), scarletjedi, obi-wan & anakin/padme, time travel, force ghost, 3.5k     “I refuse to listen to hallucinations.” “I AM NOT A HALLUCINATION!” ✦ A Fool's Game by Eirian Erisdar, obi-wan & anakin (background anakin/padme and obi-wan/satine), 1.6k     During the Clone Wars, Anakin and Obi-Wan find themselves trapped in a downed LAAT/i with only conversation to keep them from succumbing to their injuries. As they await rescue, what starts as a fool's game turns to startling revelations. ✦ untitled by legobiwan, yoda & dooku & qui-gon, 1.5k     Yan Dooku was getting too old for this type of thing. He had rushed into the healer’s ward, Qui-gon’s limp body in his arms. That in itself had been a feat, as the boy’s gangly limbs were everywhere, but somehow the older Jedi Master had been able to deposit his wayward Padawan on a bed before an errant arm took his nose off. ✦ Twin Hearts of Kyber by JadeLotus (Lotusflower85), obi-wan & luke & leia, 5.4k wip     Following the Battle of Scarif, Leia is able to evade the Empire and visits Obi-Wan on Tatooine to make her father's request in person. ✦ Lessons Learned by swhurtcomfort, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, 1.6k     The first time Ahsoka wakes, someone is there. There is a gentle hand resting on top of hers and a soft voice conversing quietly with the medical droid. Master Obi-Wan, she realizes. He doesn’t seem to notice that she’s awake. She doesn’t know where she is, but she is too sleepy to find out. ✦ untitled part 1 + part 2 by swhurtcomfort, obi-wan & anakin & rex & helix & fives & cast, 3.1k     “M’okay,” Anakin tried to shout, but it came out weaker than he’d intended. He drew in a ragged breath and tried again. ✦ Specter by Okadiah, kanan & jacen, ~1k     Kanan may have died, and yeah -- he didn't have a body anymore. But that didn't mean he wasn't around in the one way that still mattered. ✦ Strategy! by imaginary_golux, obi-wan & anakin & luke & leia & ben & snoke & cast, ~1k     The Force ghost of Anakin Skywalker has some very strong feelings about Snoke trying to groom himself a new Darth Vader, using Anakin's only grandson no less. ✦ untitled Supreme Chancellor Kenobi fic by stonefreeak, palpatine, 2.5k     The alley is dark and secluded, far down in the bowels of Coruscant’s lower districts. It’s the perfect meeting place for something like this—two people, neither of whom wishes to be recognised, conducting a less-than-legal business transaction. ✦ The Joy of Nescience by ambiguously, kanan & depa & rex(/ahsoka), 2.1k     Three times Kanan Jarrus did not want to know. ✦ untitled by legobiwan, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & rex & cast, ~1k     Ahsoka and Rex only hear the commotion on the other side of the room, but they exchange a look. ✦ Jinning Your Padawan by RestlessWanderings, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & rex & ahsoka, 1.4k     or: the one where everyone finds out that qui-gon abandoned obi-wan on a war torn planet and that the action has a name ✦ untitled by bcdroom-hymns, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, spanking, ~1k     It would not be the first time Anakin drapes himself over Obi-Wan’s lap, but this is the first time he looks up to him with his cheeks reddened and asks: ✦ A Human Resource Problem by igrockspock, leia & ben, 1.2k     Kylo Ren captures General Organa. It does not turn out as planned.

full recs under the cut!

✦ Luminous being by stonefreeak, obi-wan, 1k     Ever since he first drew breath, the Force has been with Obi-Wan Kenobi.    This is a lovely, sort of ethereal piece, that's about Obi-Wan and the Force, so there's this sort of hazy quality to it that really works for space wizard woo-woo stuff. It's beautifully written, there's just something kind of spiritual or bright about it, with some really lovely imagery and makes me fall in love with Obi-Wan Kenobi all over again. ✦ Drive It Like You Stole It by victoria_p (musesfool), han/leia, 1.2k     Sometimes she feels like she's nothing but wanting, and these stolen hours with Han are the only thing that satisfy her.    This was a lovely look at Leia's character, that's sort of about the sex scene (which had a really lovely style to it as well! it was just pretty to read) and sort of about her relationship with Han and all around a piece about who Leia Organa is. She's complicated and messy and I love her, which this fic really hit on nicely. ✦ Squad Goals by igrockspock, leia & poe & rey & rose & finn & connix, 11k     The surviving members of the Resistance decide the best way to help Leia is to take her on a recruiting mission to Rose's home world.    This is the post-TLJ fic I didn't know I needed until I read it and it was just exactly what I wanted! It's half character-driven piece and half sort of plot-based fic, where the Resistance is picking itself back up, there's all these great little character moments, and it does some nice background worldbuliding bits and pieces. I love that it's not just about Poe (though, he's definitely a central character and he's great here, this is the Poe-needs-something-to-do fic I've been craving, too), that there's these really great moments with Leia and Rey, where Rey wants to know more about the Force and Leia's complicated relationship with it (especially after Luke's death) is difficult, and it just hit all the right notes. And then there's Poe and Leia's relationship, which is perfect for how they don't bullshit each other, but there's such care and affection there. And then Connix gets some very nice life breathed into her! And Rose and Finn and Rey get these really lovely moments! Basically, it's just a really solid, super engaing, super fun post-TLJ read that I enjoyed a ton. ✦ One Last Goodbye by glompcat, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, ~1k     A missing moment between Ahsoka and everyone's favorite Force Ghosts during the finale.    This was a lovely piece set during the Rebels epilogue, with Ahsoka having a moment with Obi-Wan and Anakin as Force Spirits, getting a bit of closure with them and it works so well. It's not long, but it's exactly what was needed and fits perfectly in with the story and gave me all the feelings it set out to do. Lovely and just the right amounts of bittersweet and good. ✦ Equinox by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, some d/s, 76.8k wip     During the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on a remote planet and take shelter in the ruins of a grand estate only to find they are not alone.     Chapter 16: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. This was an important chapter, because it was an emotional culmination in things that had been building, both since the beginning of the fic and in the latest chapters again--Obi-Wan and Anakin are about to be separated and there's a whole lot that's been stirred up in Anakin because of this. Some of it is just regular separation anxiety, now that they're in a relationship (but one that's so new and untested in Anakin's mind), being apart lends to his fears about what's going to happen, how he'll cope, if they'll come back to this when they see each other again, worry about what the Sith versions of them will get up to, all wrapped up in seeing his "twin" be so much more settled about it and that just digs under Anakin's skin, the way it has since the very first scene they showed up in. This is why Anakin staring at the ring of bruises Isten wears with pride is so telling--because, as much as he struggles against the idea, something in Anakin is still pulled towards that, pulled towards why the separation doesn't bother Isten in the same way, when it should . This is why the tone of voice Obi-Wan uses when Anakin spins out of control is important, because it's tied into the things underneath what they've said, the things that the Sith versions are echoes of, that it's not coming from nowhere, that while they're not the same people, the Sith versions are something born from what the originals want.     And I love all of it! I love that Anakin's anxiety is not so easily solved, that Obi-Wan doesn't enjoy this, but neither does he despair of it, because he's sort of used to Anakin's outbursts by now, because he cares so deeply about Anakin that he feels it with him every time. I loved that I could feel it building and building in Anakin, even with all the reassurances, because he really is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom--you can fill him up with love and reassurance, but it still drains out of him anyway. And I love that it's set off by the teeth-grindingly annoying (to him) same argument that Veris and Obi-Wan keep having, like, yes, I can just see Anakin being set off by something like that, because it's aggravating to him, because it shows that Obi-Wan's so invested in something that doesn't matter when Anakin himself is spinning out of control (never mind that different people handle things in different ways) and watching Isten seemingly not be so bothered by all of this, that Anakin's jealousy and anxiety and frustration and fear all just boil over the top in the way you can see coming a mile off, but totally get why no one else does, it really was beautifully done. And I love so much that it's been over 75k of story, that they've had plenty of time to be in this relationship, and yet it's still something to work on, Anakin's still working through these things, because they do take time, and it feels very natural and organic to the way he would keep exploding.     And, of course, I continue to love the structure, that there's a very deliberate reflection/inversion between these chraacters. It's highlighted with the bondage elements, that Isten enjoys it because it quiets his mind, that Anakin gravitates towards it because he desperately wants the same even when he has no idea how to admit to it until he has to drag it out of himself, but it's also in the little details, the way Anakin and Isten both curl into Obi-Wan or Veris, that they are so bright and brilliant and strong in the Force, that they're headstrong and stubborn and you don't want anyone else in a fight next to you, because they are powerful warriors, but there's something so vulnerable underneath that in both of them. They both storm off when upset. They both have trouble handling separation. They both have too much anxiety and noise in their head. Even the things they are the opposite in only further evidence it--the way Isten is comfortable with Veris in the depths of him versus the way Anakin slams his mind shut so Obi-Wan won't see the depths of him. The way Isten lets Veris see his naked mechanical hand, but Anakin still hides it, even when they're naked and wound together. This all further shows us what Anakin (and Obi-Wan) wants but can't admit yet, and that's why the bruises that Anakin sees are the culmination of it, why he wants Obi-Wan to do that. There's always been a pull that's inherent in him, but it's been catalyzed by seeing what Veris and Isten have.      Of course, I also love the other details put into the story--the intensity of the final scene of this chapter with Obi-Wan and Anakin was incredible , it was off the charts and they didn't even so much as kiss, they just barely touched each other and promised more later that night! Not even any dirty talk! Or lines like, he briefly marveled at the depth of his own love for Anakin, a love so strong it could live on in the heart of a man formed wholly from the dark illustrating just how much Obi-Wan loves him and how it shows that, while Veris may be abrasive to them, there's still Obi-Wan in there. And there's still the mystery of Ugly and whatever happened to the original owner THAT I HAVE NO IDEA ON, but will probably wind up being, "Yes, I should have thought of that, it makes total sense, even as I'm surprised by it." just like everything else in this fic. Ugh, so good and I don't want to end but also I want to know the ending! I just have feelings about all of it, okay! ✦ The Devil's Own by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, regency au, human au, 5.3k wip     Some whisper the Skywalker family is the devil’s own, and no tutors in the area will take on the orphaned Lord.     Chapters 1-2: I could have sworn I'd done a rec for the first chapter of this fic already, but I can't find it, so I'm going to double them up for once! And, oh, I love this one already, the first chapter was a banger of an opener, there's such a sharpness to the way they interacted, that Lily is so good at writing something I can see coming from a mile off, but not the how of it, that I'm still surprised by the details and impact of it--and especially Ben's reaction to how he dealt with Anakin's introduction here. It's a sharp, clever twist of words, as well as the whole entire chapter hits this really great iddy place for me, where Anakin Skywalker is such an absolute, utter brat that it's delicious to contrast him against the more reserved, in control Ben. It hits that place in me that wants some dirty things, but also is content with just exactly how it's unfolding here, that it's not necessarily about sexy times, but just about the push-and-pull of these two characters. Which continues on into the second chapter as well, with Anakin continuing to be such a little shit, much to Ben's patience that we will see just how long it lasts (which is part of the fun).     I love that it's an AU setting, but the characters fit it so well (the use of C-3PO and R2-D2 were really great, I loved those little details) and the backgrounds and really rich, almost decadent setting I can so easily imagine for the story, all of that's great. But the writing still gets that I'm here for these characters and their relationship, the echoes of who they are in canon as put to this universe, so it's like, well, of course Ben would still be his teacher and Anakin would be way too cocky and probably vulnerable underneath that, of course sparks would fly, in that way that they aggravate each other, but that there's a chemistry there, a pull that can't be denied. I love this fic a lot already and I'm delighted to see where it goes! ✦ Never, Not Once by victoria_p (musesfool), obi-wan/anakin, ~1k     The one person Obi-Wan's never been able to lie to successfully is himself.     This is a beautiful, aching piece about the something there between these two and so often it's easy to focus on Anakin's feelings on these things because his feelings are so very, very loud, but this one really hit me in the feelings place for Obi-Wan, that he's doing what he truly believes is best, for both himself and for Anakin, for their greater purpose he's making this choice, but it's not like it's easy on him or that he does it without care. It's a quiet moment when he deniees his feelings to Anakin (but not to himself, because Obi-Wan does know himself and his obfuscation is a considered one), so that even when I personally want to yell about it, I get why he does, and so it's a beautifully bittersweet piece. ✦ Open Circle by Calyss, obi-wan/anakin & cast, sith!obi-wan, 52.3k wip     Finding one single person in an entire galaxy? Harder than finding a pin in a haystack, but not impossible. Bringing back a fallen Jedi to the Light? Anakin doesn't have much hope to succeed but he will do it, or die trying. Because Obi-Wan fell for him.     Chapters 1-16: I know this fic has updated since I caught up on it/am writing this rec, so I'm basing it on these chapters, rather than the entire fic! But it was over 50k at the time and I really got sucked into it, it's just a lot of fun! What helped is that the Jedi hate is milder than I expected so I didn't have to bail on it and it just whole-heartedly embraces the Soft Sith dynamic that I love so much and is popular with Obi-Wan for a reason, as well as there's a plot running around through the fic! For those that are like me, there is some Jedi hate going on with the fic, but it's (at least as far as I've read in these chapters?) mostly contained to one scene and it's set from Anakin's point of view, so I can roll with it, especially when I get some really lovely slow burn fic and mutual pining and long-distance Force bonds between Obi-Wan and Anakin, that creeping ever more towards the two of them just being totally wrapped up in each other, because that is absolutely the stuff that sends a thrill through me when reading it in the right author's hands.     And one of the best things about the fic is how much it focuses on these characters, their feelings and what Obi-Wan is doing in the rest of the galaxy, that there's plotful stuff like him meeting with Senator Amidala and there's almost an assassination attempt, that Dooku is involved while Obi-Wan uses him to gain knowledge, and it's just really engaging and fun to read all that stuff! I tore through 50k+ in a couple of days, just happy to keep reading about these two idiots in love and the long-distance Force skyping sessions, the occasional meet-ups (Anakin insisting that he can bring his Master back, getting his ass kicked and sprawled out on the floor while Sith!Obi-Wan looks him over, the brief thoughts of how much Obi-Wan wants to touch him, just not yet, the super fun bit about Obi-Wan taking over the clones with Sith magic stuff, like, yesssss, gimme all the stuff that builds these things up, that things are building towards something bigger, I love that!) and just a whole lot of pining that's all the more delicious for how I know they'll eventually meet and hopefully Obi-Wan will bang all that noise right out of Anakin's head. ✦ In Time by Ripki, obi-wan & anakin & cast, time travel, 14.3k wip     (Or the Force, frustrated and tired with all their bullshit, sends the Team to an unconventional couple’s therapy.)     Chapters 2-6: I could have sworn I'd done recs for these chapters before, but I must not have and only thought I did because I kept mentally chanting, "Wait until there's more than one chapter to write a rec, self!" mostly 'cause I just sort of want to keyboard smash about how much I'm enjoying this fic. It's just right up my alley, where Obi-Wan and Anakin are shot through time to various moments in their pasts, ones that they don't talk about but are being used to help illustrate to each other just how much they've both been through, to help them with a greater understanding. Because of this, I'm willing to roll with the non-canon stuff (despite my usual frustration with trying to marry JA stuff to TCW stuff that it's not compatible with) because it's so good and every single chapter has that OH YESSSS GIMME THE GOOD STUFF reveals that just keep happening . The author is good enough to put off the aftermath of the reveals, that there are only pieces getting shown right now before they're pulled off to yet another point in time, that I still feel excited to get to the next one and the next one and the next one, because I trust that the conversations will happen eventually. And, in the meantime, I get to enjoy things like Obi-Wan interacting with bb!Anakin or Old Ben interacting with Anakin or Anakin absolutely losing his shit because of what he's coming to understand about their future, all of it wrapped up in the time travel stuff that hits right straight on my id. I look forward to every update and yet already there's plenty of good stuff, if you don't mind reading a wip! ✦ untitled by lurkingcrow, obi-wan/anakin, sith!obi-wan, ~1k     The first thing to remember is that Obi-Wan Kenobi Fell for the sake of another.    This is a follow-up/sister fic to Sith Anakimono , which would help to read first/at the same time, and it's a lovely piece about all that good, iddy fun stuff with the Soft Sith dynamic that I love so much! Obi-Wan and the dark and falling in love with Anakin, that the only way he might ever fall would be because of his love for someone else, someone that defined his life, fall for them, not because of them. There's a sort of lushness to the writing, something that just revels in the dark, in an understated but there way that just really worked for me, that the fic's aesthetic was just totally my jam and I loved it. ✦ untitled by swhurtcomfort, obi-wan & anakin & bant, ~1.1k     “Well, Obi-Wan” Bant said. Obi-Wan jolted awake from a catnap he didn’t realize he was taking when his old friend strode into the room, scrolling through a chart on her datapad. “Your blood sugar’s fine, lab results look fine, and I’m not seeing any problem with your heart readout.”    This was an absolutely wonderful fic, with Obi-Wan forced to go to the healing ward, because Anakin is fretting over him and it's just such an absolute scream to read here, the casualness with which Obi-Wan treats the whole thing, the panic lacing Anakin's character, the gentle concern from Bant, none of them too over the top, but instead in line with a scene I could see in the series itself, and then Obi-Wan indulging Anakin's fussing by agreeing to lay down for awhile! Like, it clearly hits all these iddy buttons that I love , with the h/c and the characterization, how much Obi-Wan means to Anakin and vice versa, but it's also genuinely well-written and sharp and lovely to read. ✦ And If Your Glass Heart Should Crack by victoria_p (musesfool), leia, ~1k     Sometimes, Leia feels as if she's spent her whole life grieving.    Another heartbreaking Leia piece that's just the right amount of grief, heartache, reslience, and hope. This is so Leia, in how she holds herself together through sheer force of will sometimes, but also how deeply she feels these things. Every little thing that brought both comfort and pain (like, oh, seeing Chewbacca again and how they're two of the only ones left standing, it's perfect and so very sad) was beautifully done, in such a short piece that packs such a punch for me! ✦ Useful by igrockspock, leia & luke & han, 1.4k     To earn her place on the Falcon, Leia has to be useful, so she tries to learn everything she can.    One of the things that I love a lot about current SW fandom is that I've been able to find a reasonable amount of character pieces centered on Leia Organa and the complicated, difficult, often messy person she is, that there's such determination and fire there, amongst the tragedy, and this is another look at those things, as she's so tough and yet so vulnerable at the same time. I just really had a lot of Leia feelings all over again. ✦ Certainty by zarabithia, obi-wan/anakin/padme, ~1k     Padmé responds differently to Obi-Wan and Anakin after their ten year separation than she did in Attack of the Clones. As a result, everyone gets a happy ending.    Man, I really need more fic that just gleefully throws canon out the window to make everything fluffy and soft and cute as heck. And that's exactly what this fic does, it embraces being soft and skipping over all that angst and complications, to drop the three of them into bed together and sometimes my soul needs to be soothed like this! ✦ Atoms and Space by mewgirl1995, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka, 6k     During a standard supply run, Ahsoka, Obi-Wan, and Anakin crash land on an unknown planet. Something ominous lurks behind the seemingly innocent exterior and the three of them struggle to escape before the planet consumes them.    This is the kind of solid fic that I just really enjoy , like it's a balance of things I genuinely enjoy and things that are pleasing to my id--when the three of them crash on a planet and get sucked into Force visions and Anakin is the most trapped and is going to hurt them (more than they've already been hurt in the crash) if they don't pull him out of it, balancing his relationships with both of them. It's solid and good and gets what I wanted to read here, that it's Anakin waking up from his trance and realizing what he's done and curling up against Obi-Wan because he's sorry and in need of comfort, that Obi-Wan is so gentle and careful with him, despite his own strength, because this is the one he loves, and Ahsoka being adorable and a happy ending! Like, it's one of those that just makes me feel better when I read it, that's exactly what I wanted from it! ✦ Do Not Go Gentle by Glare, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & cast, a/b/o, 12.2k wip     Anakin Skywalker is only six months into his Jedi training when he goes missing on a mission, bringing his Master’s life crashing down. Unable to recover from the loss, Alpha Obi-Wan Kenobi grieves his Padawan’s uncertain fate, unaware that his life would once again be turned on end with the arrival of an Omega Sith Lord to the Temple ten years later.      Chapter 6: I've recommended this fic before, but it's been awhile, so this may be a more general rec than I usually do for an update rec! It's not a long chapter, just about 1.6k total, but it reminds me of why I really enjoy this fic, that it just goes straight for embracing the alpha/omega tropes and how protective Obi-Wan is of Anakin, who has been through hell and back, that this is a quiet moment in the story, half about Obi-Wan talking to Ahsoka, half about the first quiet real moment he manages to have with Anakin, how it indicates that there's so much work to be done on the horizon, especially because Anakin's tendencies towards jealousy and mistrust and anxiety are going to be dialed up to eleven, in a universe where he's so much more adrift. And I'm rubbing my hands in glee to get to allllll of that delicious angst and trying to work through shit, all while their biology is screaming at them. That it'll (hopefully?) go full-tilt on the possessiveness they have for each other, that there's already been marking bruises where Obi-Wan bit him and claimed him, like, yes, feed me this always, thank you. ✦ Tooka Trouble by DonkerRood, obi-wan/anakin & mace, 1.4k     Obi-Wan and Anakin have been turned into adorable tooka kittens by the Force. What now?    This was a very cute piece, just happily cracky and fluffy, as Obi-Wan and Anakin are turned into tooka cats and their instincts to cuddle take over. Cute! ✦ Run by Selcier, obi-wan/anakin, modern au, human au, 1.1k     Sometimes, his morning run isn't enough to clear his mind.    This was a really gentle, quiet sort of slice of life piece that was just kind of soft and soothing, just a moment in time that didn't need to be more or less than it was, just a piece of a bigger world that doesn't need to be more than this nice glimpse into it! And it was really nice to read for that. ✦ 'Destiny' Is Another Word for 'Coincidence' by ambiguously , ezra/leia (sort of) & sabine(/leia background) & cast, 8.4k     Ezra asks Leia out on a date. This is a terrible idea.    It's pretty much exactly what it says on the tin and yet it's much more than that at the same time, it's a really fun look at the time in their lives when these kids are teenagers and Rebels, that they're sort of dancing around each other and trying to figure themselves out and I enjoyed it for the awkwardness of Ezra and Leia trying out a date just as much as I enjoyed it for them not really having the right spark and being interesting not-quite-friends-but-something-like-it. The details are filled in nicely, there's such a smoothness to the story, there's something so good about both of these kids, they're both really trying and are both people I really love and even when they clash it's not because one of them is being super awful to the other, they're just different and trying to connect. They come from such different worlds and the fic shows that in a really cool way and what seems like it could have been a "lol throw two characters together just because!" is actually a very nicely done character piece for both Ezra and Leia. ✦ An (Un)fortunate Haunting by Kooriicolada (WHM_Koorii), scarletjedi, obi-wan & anakin/padme, time travel, force ghost, 3.5k     “I refuse to listen to hallucinations.” “I AM NOT A HALLUCINATION!”     This was a fic that was very well balanced between being utter crack and really sharp, somewhere in the vicinity of crack-treated-seriously, and that made it an absolute scream to read! The pacing and the timing of it are really sharply done, there's a ton of moments that made me smile or outright laugh, there's so much WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS from Anakin to pretty much everyone he's traveled back in time to meet with and try to talk to, most especially his past self. And I love the dynamic between Obi-Wan and Anakin especially, there's something that's just so incredibly fond underneath the banter and the frustration and the "why are you like this??" and the messing with each other, there was something so warm-hearted and just really, really fun about this piece, I cannot express my delight at that enough. Sharp and fun! My favorite things. ✦ A Fool's Game by Eirian Erisdar, obi-wan & anakin (background anakin/padme and obi-wan/satine), 1.6k     During the Clone Wars, Anakin and Obi-Wan find themselves trapped in a downed LAAT/i with only conversation to keep them from succumbing to their injuries. As they await rescue, what starts as a fool's game turns to startling revelations.    I'm a sucker for this set-up, with two characters who have a complicated and deeply caring relationship stuck in a place, with a nice dash of whump for both of them to help nudge them into needing a distraction and also because Anakin Skywalker's brain kind of starts gibbering with fear, and this was a fun one. Playing "the dumbest thing I've ever done", that they both have a sense of humor about themselves and it eventually leads to difficult conversations that they're too loopy for and it was the right amounts of light and heartbreaking. ✦ untitled by legobiwan, yoda & dooku & qui-gon, 1.5k     Yan Dooku was getting too old for this type of thing. He had rushed into the healer’s ward, Qui-gon’s limp body in his arms. That in itself had been a feat, as the boy’s gangly limbs were everywhere, but somehow the older Jedi Master had been able to deposit his wayward Padawan on a bed before an errant arm took his nose off.    Do you know what is my favorite thing? When something just fills my heart with warmth and glee to read it! I loved the use of this prompt to make something really adorable and absolutely joyful, I loved that Qui-Gon's just high as fuck because of a medication, that Dooku is suffering beyond belief at this nonsense, and Yoda's just amused by the whole thing. It gives me my lineage feelings in spades, but also I just chuckled at everything Qui-Gon said and imagining Dooku's face throughout it and even had Yoda feelings about how fond he is of his lineage. I could totally see this having actually happened and it's just pure fun ✦ Twin Hearts of Kyber by JadeLotus (Lotusflower85), obi-wan & luke & leia, 5.4k wip     Following the Battle of Scarif, Leia is able to evade the Empire and visits Obi-Wan on Tatooine to make her father's request in person.    When I read this, I thought it was a single chaptered fic and it worked really well as an interesting oneshot where things go differently, because Leia makes it to Tatooine to meet with Obi-Wan. It's set from her point of view, so there's a lot she doesn't understand or gets wrong (about Obi-Wan's purpose here, about what the Jedi were actually like rather than fanon/propaganda about them, etc.) and I really enjoyed just how impatient she was. Not without good reason, I can't blame her, but the stark contrast between her and Obi-Wan, who seems unhurried and without care unless you actually know him, and the importance of just what else he has to bring with them, all of that has a really fun tension and it's a good look through Leia's eyes and is a fun divergent timeline fic. ✦ Lessons Learned by swhurtcomfort, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, 1.6k     The first time Ahsoka wakes, someone is there. There is a gentle hand resting on top of hers and a soft voice conversing quietly with the medical droid. Master Obi-Wan, she realizes. He doesn’t seem to notice that she’s awake. She doesn’t know where she is, but she is too sleepy to find out.    Oh, I love that the mods of this account know exactly what h/c hits my iddy buttons, that there's all this delicious hurt, but there's also the comfort, so it's really in balance and this one was great . Ahsoka is hurt, but not as hurt as Anakin is, and she blames herself and Obi-Wan is struggling to stay calm because Anakin being really hurt is the one thing that knocks him for a real loop, so everyone is human and hurting (it's terrible that I enjoyed so much that Obi-Wan was unbalanced by this, how he's not cruel, but he's not calm about things, either, because he's human and he cares so deeply about Anakin, that the fic doesn't have to tell us this, it shows us this, and does it in a way that's not mean-spirited, but instead true to the characters, that he's still Obi-Wan and still gentle and kind at heart, that he still works to put Anakin and Ahsoka's relationship back together, because he cares about her so much as well, and, oh, Ahsoka is so upset at what happened and Luminara and Barriss are looking out for her, then the wonderful Anakin and Ahsoka scenes--!) and I'd have read at least 50k of this fic and come back for more. ✦ untitled part 1 + part 2 by swhurtcomfort, obi-wan & anakin & rex & helix & fives & cast, 3.1k     “M’okay,” Anakin tried to shout, but it came out weaker than he’d intended. He drew in a ragged breath and tried again.    I think I may have recommended this fic before, but I can't remember if I did both parts and I read it all over again recently and wanted to recommend it (again?) because I love how much the mods of this account get what I love about h/c, that the hurt's a lot of fun, but it's at its most satisfying when it's also about the comfort. That there's a good chunk of time spent on Anakin whump, how much pain he's in when he's at the bottom of a ravine, but I wouldn't have enjoyed it half as much without all the time Obi-Wan spends worrying over him, staying with him and obviously caring about him deeply. That it packs the emotional punch to go with the lovely writing all the way around, is what makes me wish I could read a 100k fic from these authors, because they're so sharp , but also so balanced. Like, read this with me: He brushed Anakin’s hair away from his face and Anakin looked so relaxed that he continued the motion, stroking the former padawan’s hair. It reminded him of how readily Anakin had melted into his arms as a young boy, and how easy it had been to soothe him with gentle cuddles. A small part of Obi-Wan missed those days. I am MELTING over here, you guys! I'm just rolling around in feelings because of this. ✦ Specter by Okadiah, kanan & jacen, ~1k     Kanan may have died, and yeah -- he didn't have a body anymore. But that didn't mean he wasn't around in the one way that still mattered.    Listen. Listen. Who cares if Kanan couldn't have become an actual Force Ghost, WHO CARES, I WANT FORCE GHOST DAD KANAN. And this fic whole-heartedly embraces that and, oh, it got me in the feelings place with Kanan watching over baby Jacen, being there for him however he could and just. Feelings! Everywhere! It's a short and lovely piece, just the right amounts of bittersweet and hopeful for what I wanted. ✦ Strategy! by imaginary_golux, obi-wan & anakin & luke & leia & ben & snoke & cast, ~1k     The Force ghost of Anakin Skywalker has some very strong feelings about Snoke trying to groom himself a new Darth Vader, using Anakin's only grandson no less.     This was a cute, totally cracky little short fic that was just fun to read, because who doesn't want to cackle at the image of Anakin just losing his shit over an evil villain preying on his grandson and just going Full Skywalker about it? Hilarious and id-pleasing fun! ✦ untitled Supreme Chancellor Kenobi fic by stonefreeak, palpatine, 2.5k     The alley is dark and secluded, far down in the bowels of Coruscant’s lower districts. It’s the perfect meeting place for something like this—two people, neither of whom wishes to be recognised, conducting a less-than-legal business transaction.    Do you know what I used to really hate? Anything to do with Palpatine. It's over time that I've come to appreciate him as a genuinely brilliant villain and someone who is gleefully over the top and having the time of his life and/or being hilariously thwarted, all of which this fic gives me in exactly the way I want.  He's such a deliciously, screamingly evil character that he's so much fun to read about, that he plots and plans and manipulates and betrays and backstabs people! And I love how he has so many plans here and it's just really good at capturing that cackling villain (even while I do take him seriously, which is not an easy balance to maintain) as he interacts with an OC he hired to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi. So much fun! ✦ The Joy of Nescience by ambiguously, kanan & depa & rex(/ahsoka), 2.1k     Three times Kanan Jarrus did not want to know.    This one got my attention for the Kanan and Depa opening scene and that was probably still my favorite (I love bb!Caleb so much ) but the whole fic is one big "Kanan doesn't want to know any more than he already does" and it's this great little connection to how inquisitive Caleb used to be, all those questions he had bubbling up inside him, contrasted against how HE DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW SOME THINGS, and the two tie nicely together. It's sharp and cute and funny and has some great little details and gave me back Kanan feelings all over again. ✦ untitled by legobiwan, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & rex & cast, ~1k     Ahsoka and Rex only hear the commotion on the other side of the room, but they exchange a look.    This was a cute and funny story about how you know Anakin was totally extra and ridiculous and how much gray hair Anakin absolutely caused Anakin over the years. ✦ Jinning Your Padawan by RestlessWanderings, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & rex & ahsoka, 1.4k     or: the one where everyone finds out that qui-gon abandoned obi-wan on a war torn planet and that the action has a name    You sort of have to roll with the premise of this fic, because Qui-Gon was actually beloved by these characters (and that the JA novels were never canon/are incompatible with TCW, so they don't really fit together), rather than bashing him, but when I read it, it was totally on Obi-Wan's side and it was more about ribbing Qui-Gon himself than anything else (whom I go back and forth on) and so I could totally roll with it and it's a light-hearted, silly, sharply written piece! The dialogue is a lot of fun and, setting aside Qui-Gon, what the fic does is that its aim is to make characters feel better , that it's not about being cruel, it's about making characters happy and, look, canon gives me enough of the sads and the mads, I want everyone to be happy in fic! When it's about treating my beloved Obi-Wan well and understanding how much shit he's been through, look, that is what I am here for, it's my jam, because I don't get enough of it. I want everyone to be happy, so I'm glad that Anakin and Ahsoka are so warm-hearted and adorable here, too! But, oh, man, give me everyone being happy and I'm yours , so this fic really got me in the good way. ✦ untitled by bcdroom-hymns, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, spanking, ~1k       It would not be the first time Anakin drapes himself over Obi-Wan’s lap, but this is the first time he looks up to him with his cheeks reddened and asks:    This is a fun, id-pleasing fic that's about the enthusiastic sexy times and the kink it's embracing, it's about how much Anakin likes getting spanked because it empties the noise out of his head, that it makes him melt into a boneless heap, that it doesn't need anything beyond this to be satisfying. So I enjoyed it a lot! ✦ A Human Resource Problem by igrockspock, leia & ben, 1.2k       Kylo Ren captures General Organa. It does not turn out as planned.    I want so many Leia-and-Ben fics! So many! And this was a very nice start to scratching that itch. It's a short piece, but I love it, that it's both bittersweet and determined, that there's such hurt and pain there even as there's resilience, that they both would act this way towards each other. A lovely read that I've been wanting to see more of.