#and this was the thing my brain REALLY WANTED TO DRAW so i had to let it do its thing
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Woe, Crack Baby Shitten au be upon thee.
(@bamsara 's little doodle of Nari being dubbed Cult Babysitter and holding a little lamb irrevocably changed my brain chemistry. So of course, I'm now making it everyone else's problem with the headcanon that Narinder is good with children of all ages.)
A couple of months before Lamb gets captured, they meet another lamb or a very small flock that have to split up very quickly after meeting since there's more chance of the lamb species surviving if they aren't all together. In the meeting, Lamb agrees to try continue the lamb species and gets pregnant via *magic* or afab.
Of course, all of the lambs are captured and killed with Lamb being the last, still a few months away from giving birth.
But then they are chosen and resurrected by The One Who Waits.
Fun fact: a fetus can survive for a few minutes after the death of the carrier. (Also this is a world with magic and gods in it. Logic means nothing to me.)
Lamb starts their cult, crusades across the lands and meets all sorts of allies and enemies. All while quietly mourning their entire species and the child that never would be.
Right up until they go into labour.
The baby is lamb through and through with soft wool, wide eyes, tiny cloven hooves and floppy ears.
But the influence of the crown is blazingly obvious since the baby's wool is jet black and they have three red eyes.
I can't tell which would be funnier. Lamb giving birth in The Lonely Shack or while they are physically in The Gateway just post-beating Leshy. Like they were in active labour right throughout fighting Leshy and had no idea. Either way, it's Shocked Pikachu .jpeg all around. (My fucking KINGDOM for a doodle of this.)
Various dot point shenanigans under the cut
There are two ways to go about this. But either way, Baby is not staying in the Cult. Too dangerous, especially if word gets to the Bishops about there being another lamb. So Lamb can and will speed-run this shit. So it takes them about 4-6 years to fully defeat the Bishops.
Baby stays with Ratau:
Lamb goes and yells at TOWW. They are panicking because they have no idea how to raise a probably-half-god baby.
Narinder has no idea what happened right up until Lamb comes in screaming about him being a Baby Daddy and child support.
Ratau is Grandpa now. This is his fate. He embraces the Grandpa life.
Baby learns how to play knucklebones before they can speak.
Shrumy tries to wager with Lamb/Ratau for the whole Baby. Once and only Once.
Baby's first word is dice. Or die.
Baby worships TOWW, but they are a Baby and don't really comprehend worship so the small shrine gets a lot of flowers, neat rocks and some drawings. Narinder always gives a lot of gold for them. And No, it's not favouritism. Shut up.
Baby knows curses. This is concerning for everyone except Baby.
Baby gets a little TOWW doll. It's their favourite, it goes everywhere with them and washing it is a nightmare for everyone involved.
Baby is jokingly referred to as TOWW's most Devoted Follower because of the doll.
↑ this action will have consequences.
When Baby is not so baby, they make stuff out of their wool for TOWW and for his disciples. Or asks their parent to help them make stuff.
Cue Lamb awkwardly giving the three some very wonky scarves or hats.
Baal loves it.
Aym refuses to take his off. Ever.
Narinder is actually upset cause his doesn't fit. He's too big. He had to wear it like a little ring.
Or Baby stays/is brought to the Gateway ala Aym and Baal situation:
If Lamb gives birth in the Gateway, everyone is getting a free midwifery education and free trauma. The cats want a refund.
Ya know when a baby instinctively clasps their little hand around a finger and it's like a crime to pull away? That but with Narinder's big ass claw that Baby can only barely cling to.
Aym cries the first time he holds Baby.
Baal straight-up refuses to give Baby back for a good hour.
Lamb visits at least once a day.
Lamb also brings baby things since a baby will do what a baby will do.
Depending on how old Aym and Baal were when they were gifted, Narinder is either learning all of this for the first time or is reminded of how challenging baby care can be.
Narinder purrs = a zonked Baby.
Baby's first word is Vessel.
Baby is taught to fight. Lamb doesn't like it but accepts it.
Baby has a little lamb doll. It is only due to the fact the afterlife doesn't have dirt that they avoid the nightmare of trying to wash it.
Baby is jokingly referred to as TOWW's most Devoted Follower since they refuse to be parted with him for long.
↑ this action will have consequences.
Lamb teaches Baby about being a lamb and if Aym and Baal join in, well who are they to deny their child's only friends/guardians this?
Narinder and Lamb figure out how to get Baby to teleport to the Living World and Baby gets to visit Grandpa Ratau.
Post-game shenanigans.
Narinder: Give me back my crown.
Lamb: Ok. Sure.
Narinder: I will now sacrifice my most devoted follower (the Lamb) for my freedom.
Lamb: *Kill Bill sirens*
Lamb somehow doesn't kill Aym and Baal and instead kidnaps them via Indoctrination Circle out of spite/ reluctance to hurt them.
Narinder feels betrayed that the Lamb would refuse like this and kidnap his acolytes. He was going to resurrect them! He can't fully commit to raising a child while being the God of Death.
Lamb feels betrayed that Narinder would want to kill their child. After all they've been through together! After the way they saw him treat Baby with such gentleness and now he wants to kill them?!
This comes out in the very final moments right before Lamb goes to give the final blow.
Narinder: You are a vengeful false idol and a traitor!
Lamb: At least I'm not a monster who wanted to kill my own child!
Narinder: Wait. What.
This devolves into a massive argument with divorced-couple vibes.
Narinder is insulted and a bit hurt they thought he would kill his own child.
Lamb is hurt that Narinder would just demand their sacrifice without even talking to them about the whole situation.
Either way the lesson learned is Narinder needs to be more blunt and Lamb needs to not jump to conclusions.
So they are left with a newly usurped Narinder and a newly crowned Lamb. Oops.
Baby is with Ratau when all of this is going down.
Baby is happy their family is all together properly. Baby is Not Happy about this whole cult thing demanding attention from Their Baba.
The Cult is baffled by the sight of their leader with both a baby and a Spouse? Bitterly Divorced Ex? Estranged Co-parent?! What ever it is, most of them have elected not to touch the whole situation with a 10ft barge pole.
Baby learns what the word Father is and how that word refers to Narinder.
Baby calls Narinder Father/Papa/Daddy. Instant KO.
Narinder somehow gains a small hoard of children that like to follow him. Baby Does Not Approve.
Baby also Does Not Approve of this newly formed rift between their parents.
Cue Parent Trap level of Shenanigans.
Aym and Baal are recruited.
The Hoard of Children are recruited. Baby now Slightly Approves.
Narinder and Lamb have an Actual Conversation after the 18th time they get locked in the confessional together.
This of course evolves into Narilamb.
Bishops are saved from purgatory.
Despite all attempts otherwise, Baby is introduced to them.
Shocked Pikachu .jpeg x4
Maybe after a few more years, not-so-baby Baby wants a sibling.
This got so much longer than I thought but yes. Shitten Shenanigans: Accidental Child Acquisition flavoured.
#cult of the lamb#cotl#Shitten Shenanigans Au#cotl lamb#cotl narinder#narilamb#true devotion#Cotl Aym#Cotl Baal#Cotl Ratau#accidental child acquisition#at least on Narinder's part#long post#I once again do not go here#this got longer than I thought it would#Bam's brain is SO wrinkled and I want to lick it
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i watched the toh pilot episode, here's my reaction
ooookay i so wasn't expecting what i just watched- I WANT MORE
(if you haven't watched it yet but want to do it without spoilers then don't open this)
alright alright i lost my shit actually
Amity stood up for Luz and the fact that she said this was the first time anyone had done that for her is just so sad...
and Luz gave her a drawing as a 'thank you' ( ꒦ິ ཀ ꒦ິ ) she's so sweet
oh and also!!!! first bigger change is that Amity was an exchange student in the human realm! i wonder why her parents sent her there and if there's any angsty reason for that (cuz yk yeah i'm a sucker for angst esp if it's Amity related)
my first thought when i saw this frame: "if i could picture how my mind looks like this would be it"
girly just casually grabbed a key and travelled between realms- do most witches and demons have a portal key or is it exclusive??
Luz met Eda!!! also they teleported later- so cool (ง ◉ _ ◉)ง
i heard that the Owl House was meant to be a shop first and now we can see how it would've looked like!
awww Luz is so excited!!! i love her (˶˃⤙˂˶)
that ceiling looks so prettyyy
Luz i have to say it again and i will never stop saying it: i love you you're amazing pls never change
another bigger change!! Lilith is headmistress in the high school!!! and everyone's afraid of her- shes's a boss bitch and ik she's evil but i love her
girllll--- (ง ͠ಥ_ಥ)ง why are you like this???? you had no business being this mean-
she threw away Luz's drawing from earlier whyyyy (·•᷄∩•᷅ )
side note: the demon on the left is Boscha's pilot?? yk 3 eyes and everything...
i loved this scene! Lilith is so cool and everything! and i absolutely love the sibling mocking between them it's priceless-
and said mockery pissed Lilith off sm that she turned into a beast ༼;´༎ຶ ༎ຶ༽ does she have the curse in this version? is it really a curse or can Lilith turn into that thing whenever she wants to??
soooooooo omg- i can't Lilith got trapped... somewhere!!!! and her hand is chopped off now
i am soo curious about this like what happens to her after this??? where does she go? how does she get back? will she seek revenge??
oh uhm all i wanted to say regarding this frame is that guys- yes. relatable
Luz is literally this emoji 🧍🏼♀️just in a lying position
noooooo this was sooo sweet!!! (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)♡
i love how it was Eda who screamed bc the drawing that Amity threw out the window hit her in the head-
Eda complimented Luz's drawing and omg it touched her sm (っ˃̣̣̥ -˂̣̣̥ς) she only felt accepted and understood by Eda i'm so sad rn
and the biggest plot twist happened
i am not okay
EDA'S WORKING FOR THE EC??????? since when? how? why???
i'm guessing Lilith is also working for the Emperor but like Edaaaaaaaaaaa
i can't get over this
i saw someone say smth about a betrayal and this scene but i wasn't expecting THIS
tho i'm pretty sure Eda wouldn't hand Luz over (but i do have some alternative ideas for how this could play out)
is Eda cursed here too? how would she get another key to send Luz back to the human realm? what happened to Lilith??? where's Camila? we saw Amity starting to change her mind about Luz but how different her arc would've been here from canon???
i am so fixated on this rn this will occupy my brain for a good few weeks i think
and i absolutely hate myself for wanting to write a fanfic for this- I HAVE TOO MANY PROJECTS AND IDEAS ALREADY!!
but guys pls if you see anyone writing a fic for this lmk!!!
so yea i'm crazy rn i loved this and will definitely watch it again
the lore, the questions...
#owl house#the owl house luz#eda the owl lady#toh pilot#the owl house pilot#king owl house#owl house lilith
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Hey, I had a thought about Cassandra.
I haven't read any of her comics, only read the Batgirls one with the three batgirls going on their own side with that artstyle I love so much for some reason.
I know the fact that Cass speaks, and how, tend to change a lot between comics and all, and I don't know the exact lore, but I thought a bit deeper about it all from what I know.
Cain never taught Cass how to speak, right? She grew up with fighting and understanding the body as her only way to convey anything from her brain to the world. (even if she obviously learnt to understand other languages)
But languages shape how your brain understand and interact with the world. It is most noticable when someone talk a language they didn't grew speaking, there's those little mishaps or confusion of meaning and use for words that are said to be equivalent, and that's because you have to relearn a way to see and understand things.
I'd say it's even more obvious when the structure of the language changes, I don't speak any sign language, but I know how some things work, and you don't describe things the same way with it as you would with a spoken language. You have to translate the meaning because of that.
Now, to go back to Cass, she didn't grew up with either of those, at least from what I know. Her language is Body. Her mind shaped itself and its understanding of things through her and others' body. How do you translate that?
Like, she doesn't say things, she can see how others' body feel by looking at them, so she express her feeling through her body. If Cass were to want to express an emotion,her mind would first and foremost express it through her body, and that's not words, that's feelings, and your body can reflect so much mors complicated feelings than words.
My point is, if Cass was to learn her first spoken language while in her teens, it would be really hard for her to express herself in a way that is understandable. Bodies reflect intent with specific muscles, while you need to build a sentence. I know fanon make her learn ASL, which is logical from a vocal cords point of view because she never trained it to speak, but that would still make communication hard, because sign languages are still not body language.
I don't know if I get the idea across, but Cass' whole understanding of the world was built around the way bodies work, and it probably holds for animals too, which are just different, sometimes similar, body languages.
It is so intersting! You can only guess how they would understand the world!
But also, would hinder them so much in their communication. Once, if she ever, get past the training to not express any feeling, you would have someone who express anything with movement, postures, specific muscle being tensed or not. Someone one who is constantly seeing how others feel because no one knows how to prevent their bodies from having feeling.
You're on the same level as an empath as long as you can see their bodies. hiding your body allows you to not be truthful about your feeling...
I fee like I'm not going anywhere with this, but the implication over how one would share anything is wide.
It's actually addressed directly at the end of her solo book that for her it's not as easy as just learning a second language, it's a hardware problem. Her brain is so specialized for body language that it lacks the structure to even process written or verbal languages the way a typical brain can. While she can learn, it will always be much more difficult for her than anyone else.
Also the thing that makes her way of communicating unique is that it's sort of "read only." As in, since it's about reading subconscious body language signals there's no real way to consciously express yourself with it. That's part of why she's all about the arts (dancing, drawing etc) because she's never had ways to express herself properly before and words obviously don't work for her.
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sillies
#BASED ON THAT. TWITTER THING! EEVERYONES DOING! but i had to mirror it bc i did rosas bangs on the wrong side HAB ABSAHDBSHHDSADSA#lukerosa#luke pearce#tears of themis#also SOBS... im really glad everyones enjoying this little silly AU of mine i just wanna say this can be shared w anyone like u can use thi#lukie if anyone wants#ill try to draw more bc im so full of them in my brain..........
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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Women, so pretty, so shaped, i am so lesbian,,,
#im also incredibly dysphoric tonight#but i was told by my coworker im incredibly feminine by her earlier#and i mean yeah#.....#i am a tall weird internet woman who likes to draw#so funny how i thought i was bi#I'm just really into women...#my ex is a trans guy and he told me he thinks im lesbian and i had a “holy fuck this explains so much moment”#we broke up but we still have a weird queer relationship outside of social heteronormative norms that is hard to explain and only we#can really understand#im not into men because you know#im a lesbian#had a weird period in my life when i was dating a guy and said im a lesbian and i felt sooooo scared#turns out when youre on meds and your brain is working right you just stop caring about such things#i went on a parade wearing big lesbian flag and girls loved it :)#i dont really know if i ever want to date anyone again#but i think if you look at my art you can really tell my sexuality quite easily lolol#funny how love can be so complicated sometimes#i mean it was kind of inevitable we break up cause we're kind of incompatible but tbh#it was better for us#hehe
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I Have Once Again Been Consumed By A Fic (Redstone and Skulk by @silverskye13
#redstone and skulk#the demon#tanguish#helsknight#evil beezuma#don't mind the repost tumblr just. wasn't showing the original post anywhere for me????#i'm worried it might've eaten it???; sO HERE WE GO TRYING AGAIN#the demon is only half done and honestly i drew all of him that i was really wanting to draw anyway so he's staying like that dklsghs#and that was his face and then just kinda like his build mOSTLY!!! BC!!!!#i found it interesting that as i was reading the bit he was in that i was imagining him like#Not Human At AllTM and went 'huh. i mean that's prolly not how he's supposed to be'#but thought it neat enough to put down to paper kinda what i was picturing :VVVV and what i was picturing was Big Dragon Demon#aLSo eb!!!! i've now seen like op's art of eb and have also realized how wack my brain's image of eb was#but i love things like that!!! where the reader's brain pictures differently!!!! so i drew eb too :VVVV#also i cannot resist A Creachure and my vision of eb definitely falls into that category for me#and so does tanguish!!!! the boy!!!! best boy!!! and then ofc i had to!! helsknight!!! he!!!!!#anyway i love them all sm they're just Really Hecking Neat To Me#(also ngl i think that tanguish running is like. one of my favorite poses i've drawn ever???)#(v happy with that i think it certainly is atl my favorite sketch on the page)
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> Flower dance
#stardew valley#stardew sebastian#sv sebastian#stardew valley fanart#hello 😈#Did you think I was dead?#HEHEHEHEHEHEHE#okay okay#I'm so sorry for disappearing for a whole month without saying nothing#I went into airplane mode. my brain had stopped thinking straight and I had no ideas to draw#Lately I've been pushing myself a lot to put social media aside and go get a job in real life.#(Which I will.)#ALSO I don't know if this will be a permanent return (probably not.)#anyway. I'll post some things here and on X sometimes. because I don't want to give up on this#but the frequency will be EXTREMELY slow ☠#really sorry for that.
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uhhhhbbhhhhh shitty art dump cuz i kinda hate posting art individually 👍
#and by that i mean i just feel worse abt not tagging things when its just one drawing#and also i feel like the rambling is more proportional to the amount of art#<- what the fuck am i even saying#scribbles#ocposting#gif#outfits in the gif r from some outfit memes ive had saved in my photos since like 2020 btw#i think the creators username was like hometownrockstar or some shit i dont really remmeber#the images are super crusty idk why theyre like that but its funny to me so idrc#some of these r ocs some are existing characters But Furries#and also suitcase is there lol#outfit in the fourth image is based on fleetway amy…..#idk what to say abt these sorry#again ive been like weirdly embarrassed abt the shit i draw as of late it sucksssss#especially cuz i know no one actually gives a shit either way. but my brain still wants to give me shit over it -_-#is that smthn ppl say idfk anymore#bright colors#eyestrain#ALMOST FORGOT TO TAG#kinda just in the second to last one i think but yea
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inspired by elli's poll lol cause this seems fun actually but if you guys have bad answers I'll kill myself on your doorstep or smth
#“rori all of these are your faves how can there be a bad answer” well I still have an internal ranking on some of these#and if all of you pick an option that I think pales in comparison to the others. well. hm#I know what's gonna sweep though because two of these are niche as hell and 4 maybe 5 of these are things you people don't follow me for#fun fact I actually had to scrape my brain to make sure I couldn't come up with any more#I am unintentionally very picky on what is a favorite apparentlyyyy#I also just don't watch/read enough stuff these days so there's that#AND I NEED LONG TERM EXPOSURE TO KNOW THEY'RE STICKING AROUND#so like. I have some options but I don't KNOWWW if they're sticking yet#but this feels like such a small poll lmao#also no sapphics on here this is actually cause I hate women-#NO. JOKING. zelink is here. I almost put gideon and harrow but I'm in a perpetual state of not having finished tlt#and I couldn't put nebetta and darya I was drawing the line at 2 tbos ships. well. actually. changed my mind#not editing these tags actually you guys can see my thought process#WAIT AND SAYMARI. FUCK. I LITERALLY MADE A PLAYLIST FOR THEM I LOVE THEMMM#ok. is 4 tbos ships too many. hmm#I said 2 of these are niche now four of these are niche it's really the “which tbos pairing is your fave” poll#THIS POLL IS SO FUNNY IT'S SO SELF INDULGENT I HAVE TO TAKE OUT AT LEAST ONE TBOS SHIP#I should add one more general one...#cause I do actually want genuine and varied answers I gotta give y'all options so they don't all pool at the first two#I also almost put ellie and abby on here.. that would've been so funny four popular 1 rarepair 3 super niche ships#ellie and abby are soooo interesting to me though so of course the thought of them having something horrible going on together compels me#and they are one of my 3 favorited ao3 tags... they deserve a place...#ok well while I debate on that I'm putting akutagawa and atsushi on here I admittedly have only had like two months of exposure to them#but it is enough I can tell they are so crazy to me#the way my tags are just me overthinking everything on what is supposed to be a fun and silly poll... no one does it like me I'm afraid
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HAPPY BDAY @bluepallilworld 🎂
Do I really need to cite all the reasons why I think you're an absolute sunshine and how much I admire and appreciate your presence and support? Because I'd drill it into your skull if I could with how much your happiness matters to me you sweet ol bean<333 have the best birthday ever and don't you dare forget how amazing you are >:'D ♥️
#art#my art#mu#im so lucky i had this done early HFHGHGG#i wanted to draw mimosa like i said but i felt like drawing her would be more fun cause i haven't seen any fanart of this precious girly!!#seriously i have so many things to say about how cute your art is and how much youve improved over the years#and how i can't think of anything now that im typing the tags cause my brain is full of stuff that i can't put into words GJGHFH LIKE 😭#i really really want you to understand how much i love your works and how creative your ocs all are#they all have this nostalgic feeling about them and i said this before but they look like they're out of a children's fairytale!!#which might sound insulting when i think about it but it really isn't in my eyes!!! the soft fuzziness and how captivating the colors are#the giddyness that pvercomes you as a kid when you see these round illustrarions next to a wall of text#that's what your art feels like to me !! just a perrect mix of all my favorite things about art and what got me into it#rambling here a bit sorry but i hope you have an amazing birthday missyy take care of yourself<3333
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this is my blog i can be a furry for like 5 minutes okay
#furry#my art#eyestrain#bright colors#neons#<-burned my eyes while drawing this and i want y’all to stay safe#one of my classes cancelled this morning so i had sooo much time so i drew a thing#personally i like drawing nonhuman characters because they allow for more shapes than people do#and like. i love shapes idk if you’ve picked up on this yet but shapes and colors are The Thing my brain needs#no matter how much i try to draw more realistically i always fall back to bright colors and strong lines and shapes#because i love them#i chose neons here because for whatever reason everything felt so dark this morning#i kept trying to draw but even white wasn’t bright enough and i checked the settings and everything idk it’s probably my eyes#so i needed something bright to see#and see i did#so i drew this#i was feeling like bright highlighter yellow and green#bc i really want to dye my hair back to highlighter colors it’s rad but fades quick#if you’re wondering what animal this is: idk. i was looking for Shapes and i made them#i was feeling a little bit like borzois (russian wolfhounds)#but they’re a tad different#whatever#this was fun though i might draw more furry shit idk#feeling great drawing so cartoony i feel like i’ve been healed#i mean. it’s not like i haven’t been drawing cartoony but i mean like#stronger lines brighter colors more pop-out eye-grabbing y’know?#it calms me#anyway i have friday off so yayyyy i get to sleep soon#i’ve slept like. 15 hours this week#major L to me
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!! Freak Shock !!
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc#bottled wishes#look at my dog-cat (rat ??) thing !! :D#it's an allegory for being trans lol#i had trans people explained to me as dogs that wanted to be cats#which that really didn't make any sense to my brain. i was thinking 'so what? also those are two different species altogether ??'#//i'm on some sort of animal kick so i'm drawing a bear-seagull loll#not as cursed as it sounds but i am so scared of starting on the colours Hbfvhsf#cuz i spent. so long. so so long. trying to figure out this palette kfsp#//'i can't draw animals' what is this !!#'my visual library expanded' ah okay that's fair actually lmao#//i started this almost immediately after finishing that living room scene Kfhab#Where was this like two weeks ago!! oh wells. back into the abyss i go :>#//edit: this thang uses all pronouns btw :3
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.
#hit me that wow i survived childhood#i dont think ive ever really given myself credit for that#ive always deflected it#i always had to like present like a plan of the future to my mom so i never really carried the thought of like#not surviving#but like i was always very self destructive and cataclysmic and splitting#and i never really recognized that about myself until i really started dealing with debilitating depression in college#college and dropping out and going back#i never really synthesized that time in life as a singular version of myself#cuz i was going thru a lot of changes in those years#i am having a lil bit of a 'who am i' thing right this moment#idk#anti depressants are good#well im funny and im chill i know that much#i have music and shows that i like#i like taking pictures of my cat and making patches#painting and drawing#my brain has always been faster with ideas than words and that why i used to stutter#that and my mom wanted me to be right handed which idk but i was told that had something to do with it#ill take any opportunity to be smug because i think its funny#i angst about how i miss my family but i objectively do better the less i talk to them#im really glad i dont want to hurt myself these days
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@soccerpunching you're genuinely one of the best people I've met here bc you like almost every media I like
Apropos fighting. Remember when Adora jumps on Catra at Prom. Just them rolling on the floor. I wanted to draw that but didn't get round to it. The scene had such an energy
#im so so glad you like those hah#but anyways catradora and feisaru are two v personal and important ships 2 me#would you believe me if I told you I've sorta felt like drawing them in suits again#a few weeks ago#both manspreading#the problem is my head is so full of ideas and i actually suck at drawing and am slow and so my brains fastness overwhelms me sometimes#oh also im sick AGAIN so efficiency goes put the window#i also have a song that i associate w the prom redraws in particular#if i do the manspreads ill bring it up#im a bit conflicted abt the prom redraws. i used to really like them#but theyre over a year old now and its showing#how my drawings looked back then doesn't really resonate w me but the dip stays iconic#BECAUSE#i didn't think about saru's n fei's bodies any different back then. but my brain has this thing#where it distorts my drawings and makes them look broader than they really are in my head? and#then i look at the drawings again after a month and it goes holy shit last time i looked you werent looking like stickmen#but im better than this now#my drawings cause me less eye cancer now#i wanna get that violet suit finally. have wanted it for years#also that one thing where saru gets manhandled. it originally had more blush#man im not rereading im going to sleep
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#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought#i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy#its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere#bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like#normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes#possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my#reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it#i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything#in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place#i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass#i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired#god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or#read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill#so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating#its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage#bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn#unrelated
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