being friends with someone who constantly throws pity parties for themselves is fucking exhausting.

untitled

-> Toji Fushiguro x Reader (gender neutral)

characters: Toji Fushiguro

genre: fluff

summary: uni has been stressing you out and your boyfriend is as tired

warnings: established relationship, age gap, this was written while i was stressing over assessments and i just needed a big strong sexy man to make me take a break, might be ooc

network: @eveningatthemoviesnetwork

Toji thinks he might smash his head against the wall if he hears you sigh loudly one more time. He turns his body on the couch to peek at you, hunching over a bunch of papers at the kitchen table. He can see two word documents opened on your laptop, one full of words and the other still blank. Next to it, his laptop that you begged to use has google opened and he can vaguely see the numerous windows in the tab. You sigh again, like you have been in the past hour, and drop your head on your arms.

Toji has no idea what you’re doing. He guesses it must be some university project but the calendar displayed on the fridge doesn't have an exam coming up soon. He gets up from the couch and makes his way to you. He puts his hand on the back of the chair, leaning down a bit and squinting his eyes to look at the tiny words on the laptop. Toji feels a bit too dumb when he doesn't understand all of the fancy words you used but your boyfriend can tell you're writing your interpretation of a poem.

“You need to start wearing your glasses.” you murmur, looking at the older man, your head lazily resting on your hand, as he keeps squinting. He scoffs, Toji would never wear those ugly glasses he got. It makes him look stupid, even after the amount of times you denied it and no matter how many times you sloppily made out with him wherever he wore those horrible glasses, a fire suddenly lighting you up when you saw the frames on his face. “Don't come complaining when your head starts hurting again.”

“What you got there that got you stressing out so much?” He decides to ignore your comment, changing the subject to the reason for your stress.

You sigh once more, resting your head on his forearm. “Gotta start writing one of my assessments for one of my classes. The professor is making us write about everything we’ve learned in class with our opinions and academic research to support it. It absolutely sucks and I wanna drop out.” you ramble. Toji’s chuckle has you frowning, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. How about you take a break?” As good as that sounds, you shake your head denying his proposal. “Take a break. Not asking. Sit on the couch with me and relax for a bit.” His tone suggests that you would probably regret your decision if you choose to go against him.

Reluctantly, you get up from the uncomfortable chair and stretch your arms above your head. You feel your back crack from being in the same position for so long and you just want to lay in bed and sleep. Toji places his hands on your hips where the shirt isn't covering, squeezing the flesh as he pulls you a bit closer to him and you throw your arms around his shoulders as you sway a bit from side to side. Toji smiles a little when he hears you giggling, happy that you stopped sighing and stressing for a little bit. “ Should I be an old man’s sugar baby? I’ll share the money with you.” You tease, planting a kiss on his cheek. Toji rolls his eyes at your teasing tone. You lean back a little to look at the man, his big hands placed on your back to support your weight. “I'm starting to think you have a type. Like old men that much, doll?”

“Only one.” You reply, playing with the soft ends of his hair that are almost reaching his shoulders. “Unfortunately my old man isn't a billionaire that will give me a yatch for my birthday.” You press a small kiss to his lips. “I can't complain much though, my boyfriend is really sexy.”

Your boyfriend arches a brow, smirking at your remarks. “Yeah? What can I do to steal you away from that grandpa?” You pretend to think for a bit, a small pout appearing on your lips that Toji wants to kiss away more than anything. “Cuddle with me on the couch and watch a few episodes of a crappy reality show before I start feeling bad and go back to my assessment?”

Toji thinks for a bit. He wants you to relax for a while before you (and himself) go crazy with the constant sighing but you have a gift for choosing horrible shows that have Toji wanting nothing more than to punch the TV. Your boyfriend knows he can’t deny your request when he looks at you and you’re staring right back at him. Even if he had it in him to refuse your proposal, your tired eyes and the way you’re looking at him with so much adoration is enough for Toji to pull you to the couch.

You sit as close to him as you can and pull his arm to wrap around your shoulders. You snuggle comfortably on his side while pressing a few kisses on his jaw and neck that make Toji get goosebumps. This time, he doesn't act all dramatic like he usually does when you’re this close to him. He doesn't tease you or calls you clingy while playfully pushing you away just to watch you crawl back to him. This time, Toji lets you push and pull him until you’re comfortable. He doesn't even complain when he sees you open netflix and select a reality show with a weird name and an obnoxious couple on the cover.

Toji thinks all of this is worth it when you place a small kiss on his cheek and whisper “I love you” before falling asleep five minutes after in his arms.

somebody to you ; 01

parts: 01. 02.

Itadori Yuji.

Your longtime crush. Your childhood sweetheart.

When he introduced you to his newest friends, Megumi and Nobara, your heart warmed up at how his eyes sparkled whenever he talked about them and how he ran up to them while grabbing your hand, overjoyed like a small kid.

Weeks turned into months, and months into years. Now, today, you planned on confessing your feelings to him. Little did you know, his spikey-haired friend, Megumi, kind of guessed that you liked Yuji. For a long time now.

Yuji had the purest heart you had seen, and though he was as warm as the sun and radiated his sunshine energy to everyone around, you knew he felt lonely. He had always felt like he had everything but the love of a family, with his grandfather gone as well, until he found a family in the company of his friends. You, were indeed special to him, but the boy was too oblivious to think and differentiate his feelings.

A bit too oblivious that his response to your confession left you dumbstruck.

"Really?"

The strawberry-haired boy looked at you with a grin on his face.

"I like you too, Y/N! You're the bestest of all best friends I've ever had! But Megumi and Nobara are close to my heart too.." He drifted off, glancing at the two who glared at him in shock.

Leaving you blinking in disappointment and embarrassment. The two others had the same reaction as you.

Was he trying to say he saw you only as a friend or was he dumb to not realize you were confessing to him?

'I shouldn't have said anything..' you thought.

"But you've a special place in my heart too, Y/N. You're a really good friend!"

Yuji flashed his teethy grin to you, while Megumi raised his hand to smack him from behind, as Nobara held back her urges to throw her purse at the dumb boy.

You sighed, looking away while you felt a tad bit disappointed. Clearing your throat, you bit your lip awkwardly. Embarrassed, and even more flustered due to his friends witnessing your awkward moment, you wanted to go home and question your choices today.

"I'll go home. I just remembered my mom telling me to grab some groceries on the way back. See you later," was all you said before awkwardly walking out of the scene, leaving behind a confused Yuji.

"Huh- okay, Y/N! See you tomorrow!" He gave you a big wave before turning around to face his friends.

"Fushiguro-"

Megumi immediately smacked his head with an irritated expression. "Are you stupid?" "What was that for- oi, Nobara!" Yuji grimaced as the said girl pinched his sides. He looked at the two with a stupidly innocent face. "What did I do?" "She confessed to you, you dimwit! And you threw off the entire confession! Did you really miss the point?" Nobara rambled, using her hands while she ranted for a dramatic effect. "She likes you more than just a friend, Yuji! She literally told you she liked you! She didn't mean that as a friend!"

"Eh?"

Yuji blankly stared at the two, while having the hood of his shirt dragged and held up by a silent Megumi, who had much to say but chose to glare at him instead.

"You mean she likes me?"

"That's what I'm saying!"

"You mean she LIKES me? Like, in that sense? Like a lovey-dovey sense? Y/N likes me like that?!"

Nobara sighed in exasperation.

Megumi facepalmed. "Yuji, do you like her back or not?"

His question made Yuji stop and think. Of all the times you had been a little too kind to him. All the instances where you'd put him first before yourself, and cared for him like he was your treasure.

When you gave up all your academic opportunities because you felt like Yuji deserved it more.

When you let him cry on your shoulder all night long after his grandfather's passing.

When he fell sick and you took two weeks off school to tend to him.

When you got the news of him eating strange things and all the weird incidents that took place in your school one night, the way you scolded him for his carelessness before breaking down in sobs, thankful that he wasn't hurt as badly as his two other friends.

Yuji had mistook all this for simple, 'friendly' concern and selflessness. Especially when you would get jealous whenever he got confessions from other girls, he thought you were just being protective of him as a friend.

Then, it hit him.

You had been liking him for a long way back, and even his friends knew, except for himself.

"Fushiguro, I.." He began, his words trailing off. He clenched his fists and ran off, escaping his friend's grip.

"I gotta go and tell her something! Sorry!"

Nobara squinted her eyes at the running man. "We need to follow him," she muttered, receiving a nod from the other side.

SLIDES SHADES ON, KICKS DOOR DOWN AND FALL ONTO YOUR FLOOR, GUESS WHOS BACKKK!;!!;

🌕💗!!!!

BUT AHHHHHFHDH LATIN DOTTORE STILL MAKJNG ME LOSE MY SHIT

and so many of the other posts that i was binginf just now too oh em GEEEEEEE, specifically fragile/coma reader comjng back to sumeru and all that AHHFHEHHHH

ANF ALSO I CANT BELIEVE U REMEMBERED ABT MT EXAMS AND STUFF 😭💗 i got my results recently!! A* EEEKFK back on the grind tho unfortunately

also rlly rlly thinking bout dottore randomly giving fragile reader academic/research-y things to do cus he knows they crave and miss the days where they could get on wit their stuff YKKK??

also omg sometimes i’m scared to like send any kind of brainrot in cus what if someone else has said a similar thing AND AHHDHH

but yea also thinkjng bout tutor zandik + akademiya reader MNNNFFNF

ALSO ZANDIK X POET READER i feel like zandik from like the akademiya days wojld be all poetry’s stupid 🫤 but like one day findinf readers lil poetry notebook whilst tryna find his own research in their dorm and flipping through and finding it littered with references to cerulean blue locks and vermillion irises..and maybe just maybe, poetry isn’t so bad after all

smooches i’ve missed bombarding ur inbox

SMOOCHESSSS :( <33333

🌕 ANONNNN AHHH IVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! I'm so glad you've been doing well, congrats on your exams!! I'm glad your hard work paid off, such a scholar 😍 But you better not overwork yourself that hard again! ALSO. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SEND ANYTHING IN!! I LOVE!! hearing what you have to say okay?? Ily 🌕 anon!! PLEASE BOMBARD MY INBOX. I LOVE IT.

HAHAHA it seems like a ton of Dottore brainrot has been infiltrating your brain huh 😅 Dottie speaking Latin really revolutionized ours brains hngg bUT WAIT I LOVE YOUR IDEA. THAT'S SO CUTE. Oh my gosh newdndow how do I phrase this. He knows you still have a love of knowledge and other things you used to be so into :( But nowadays it's died down since you don't think you're cut out for that stuff anymore, even though you miss it. Dottore being the one who respects and acknowledges your intelligence the most would not let you think that way! He'll let you indulge in as much knowledge as you want to. It's far better here anyway, with no restrictions. He'll even let you sit on his lap while you flip through his notes and try to analyze them. Okay and bear with me, this sounds strange but he would make up fake scenarios/brain teasers for you, and these would be PAGES long and you'd have to figure out the answer and report back to him 😭

Also made me think of this angsty af scenario of the day you officially got kicked out from the Akademiya... The sages and profs were so unsympathetic with your condition despite multiple proofs and notes of it being real... no matter how much you begged and sobbed, they refused to accommodate you and revoked your position in the school. Yes, it could be absolutely freaking brutal in there with the workload of assignments and all, on top of your illness too, but you still had dreams. Dreams that you were working so, so hard to pursue... you were trying your best, why couldn't they work with you? You go back to your room to try and pack since they want you out but your stuff just ends up strewn on the floor while you cry. When Zandik comes back you don't even bother hiding your tears or the reason behind them. You can see he's absolutely furious and about to let pure foulness leave his mouth but you interrupt him with a few simple words - "Zandik, just hold me, please." You don't want to hear any words at this moment, because you know nothing will be alright, but at least his touch grounds whatever is left of you to this world.

Okay moving on... Nah I need tutor Zandik. If he saw my dumb ahh while doing math... gone 😭 HEHE I love this trope... i can imagine initially being very serious about trying to learn. But then their tutor is this cutie? Welp, all of that going down the drain. Though, I think it would be pretty sweet if reader ends up learning anyway. Because the professor's way of teaching is so outdated or simply doesn't work for you but somehow when Zandik explains it you're like ?? oh! That's so much simpler! Another possibility - reader purposely flunking so they can get assigned to Zandik for tutoring 🤭 Bro would be flabbergasted that you're wasting both his and your time... because you thought he was... c-cute? Disgusting.

YEAAAA I ADORE DOT AND POET READER I THINK IT'S SOOO ROMANTIC 😭❤️ lmao yea that man would think poetry/non-academic writing is sooo boring like why would you even waste your time on that 😒 You gave up LONG ago trying to convince him why you love it so much but all of a sudden he becomes a teensy more receptive to it... i wonder why? Totally not because he freaking read every single one of your poems, from the serious to silly ones, most definitely not because he found one named after him with a bunch of sweet references... he doesn't care but they were not that bad... he guesses.

ahh i should have clarified that i myself don't have a degree (yet). i'm not from an academically inclined background so when i didn't do well in my first two semesters of university (i failed some classes and only barely passed others), i got very discouraged and saw it as a sign that university is just not for someone like me. i then learned a trade and have been working in the field; but i'm interested in going to university as a mature student and i'm going to apply this year for a BA :)

still, precisely because i don't have a degree it really upsets me that someone who used the chatGPT shortcut is a teacher now. teaching high school students is an academic profession, and it doesn't sit right with me how common it is for teachers to say things like "i learned so much useless stuff in university; none of which i need as a teacher"; it's actually really frustrating. then why do you go to university/become a teacher? ??? ????? (i mean i know why, because it pays well here.)

in our country, MA/MSc degrees are required for a lot of positions, so grad school isn't quite as "you're here because you choose to be" but still.. his sentiment is basically, since he teaches high school students it should just be sufficient to be able to teach them, what’s the point of a thesis? like ok with that sort of logic i could have been a teacher with just a high school certifcate. i think tbh there is a wider discussion here about how people just don’t value knowledge too.

he also later said that he sometimes regrets not just paying someone to write it for him and save himself a lot of time and trouble 💀to me that is just the epitome of being so full of yourself. he has just decided that he has what it takes to be a teacher and making him write a thesis is a waste of time because of that. lmao??

also I would like to point out that this guy is not my friend, just someone i met through a mutual friend (and they’re not exactly friends either, they work together💀) i talked about this with my friend and she said that he isn't even the first person she knows who has casually admitted to using chatGPT like this. i guess they feel emboldened to casually admit to cheating because they know that their peers won't report them because that would then make them look like snitches

i'm sorry about venting like this to you; i just remembered that you spoke about the chatGPT problem before

Well first of all: fingers crossed for your BA applications !! Everyone got at their own pace, sometimes you need a few years to figure out how to best approach University!!

That is indeed upsetting that someone who does not value critical thinking and does not understand the point of research/research writing is teaching now. "I don't need it anyway/I did so much useless stuff at school/Uni" is such a dumb. dumb. Argument.

Like, I had to study German and Spanish and Latin and theology. I took the equivalent of AP biology and physics in school and learned how to use a soldering iron and identify rocks. I learned Roman Law, and company insolvency rules, and the procedure to contest a refusal to grant you a construction permit. During my PhD, I had to become proficient in advanced data-driven research methods and 2 different code languages. NONE OF THAT has anything to do with me job, whatsoever. I teach students about the International Court of Justice and some of them are Literature and History majors. I KNOW that their dazzling knowledge in embeddedness theories of international adjudication is NOT what will get them a job.

But it's not about the raw knowledge, it's about

1. Transferable skills: targeted reading, critical thinking, information gathering, writing for different audiences, time management, group work, self-reflection, project management, conflict resolution...

2. Learning how to learn: adapting to new situations, new rules and new logics; switching from one type of reasoning to another; picking up on new practices, new skills, as fast as possible, knowing how YOU best do that: on your own, with friends, listening, writing, visuals, with cues, independently, by teaching...

3. Putting your future work (and honestly, yourself as a person) in a broader context: knowing what the ICJ is to spot dumb and wrong info when you see it. Knowing that it MATTERS that we know different types of rocks, and therefore we should fund research on geology. Knowing quantitative research methods to know when they are used well and when it's bullshit. Knowing that Latin shaped some languages and not others, to understand the limits of translation itself. Knowing how 'generative' AIs work to understand that there is very little about them that is actually 'generative'.

I would evening argue that just being confronted with the sheer vastness of Things and Knowledge and Fields that are not yours has value in and of itself. It keeps you humble, aware that no matter how much you are knowledgeable on your one (1) thing, in the back of your mind, there is the knowledge that there is much, much knowledge you actually do not have and cannot claim to have. OR, in the wise words of Dan Olson on CryptoBros, to avoid being the kind of person that:

"assume that because they understand one complicated thing [...] all other complicated things must be lesser in complexity and naturally lower in the hierarchy of reality"

@1spoopyjerk:

you pointed out something interesting about John (at least, something i believe) - for all his presentation as a chill academic, it feels a bit like he does not approach necromancy in the same scientific/theoretical way that all other necromancers do. i can very much imagine ianthe presenting a drawn-out theory regarding necromancy's applications and john just going "yeah that sounds probably about right". his understanding seems primarily vibes-based

Yeah, it does seem sort of like that, especially with his incredibly scientific cure for Harrow's incomplete Lyctor issues, which was just "try to kill her until she's fixed, lol". I guess to him, starting life in a world where necromancy didn't exist and being raised with the idea that such stuff was fantasy, maybe it didn't occur to him, or never really sunk in that it can be scientifically studied in the same way?

@wellhappybirthdaytomeiguess

I think Augustine and Mercy explictly mention that the war seems pointless, and Augustine begs John to give up his vendetta. At which point John tells him that if 'the man you used to be heard you say that he'd be furious' or something like that...so it really does seem all about a war of vengeance.

Yeah, Augustine asking him to quit the war didn't really seem relevant to me back then, but I guess this is maybe something that they'd be tired of for a long time now and he thought that maybe if John was really going to beg for forgiveness, he could at least give them that given that the cavaliers are long gone at this point?

My theory: a few thousand years after the Resurrection, John discovered the descendents of the trillionaires, or the trillionaires themselves (FTL travel seems iffy in outcome) and could at last get his rage out.

Ah, so BOE are the descendants of the trillionaires who wouldn't fund his cryostasis project and that's his whole damage about them for 10,000 years? Ok, this reminds me of how some dumb white people oppose antiracism stuff by saying like, "but I never owned any slaves, why are you punishing me for something my ancestors did?" and totally miss the point that slavery was not that long ago and the whole institution is still having an effect on society even though it's not actually around anymore, and maybe John is seeing this that way, too, but... in this case (based on the first chapter of Nona) BOE definitely isn't populated by trillionaires, or people who benefited from their long-gone ancestors being trillionaires, and I'm sure that all that money probably lost its meaning when everyone died and it's been 10,000 years since then

d, k, r

D: What’s the most personal fanfic you’ve written?

Ohhh...hmmmm. I'd say my two multichapter AUs, and then dumb kids in their forties (SORRY TO KEEP BRINGING THIS ONE UP lol)

The multichapters (Mare Liberum and Dangerous) depict how I feel/felt about myself, my trauma, and as someone who has trauma that has colored their entire life.

Mare Liberum--written mostly a long time ago and conceived of pre-covid, even, is a version of myself that I feel rarely exists anymore. I love this fic and the universe so much, and wish I was updating it, but not only did it lose all but 1 person of its audience, I also wonder if I can't access that part of me anymore. That fic is just about someone bitter and angry at himself, at how the world treats and perceives him, at the wrongs done to him by others and by himself for who he is, and the fic's message (including the "love story" part) is--If you're born wrong, you're not gonna get a happy ending.

Dangerous is about the different ways people can become fucked up adults. Mikel's story, as I've said a few times, is a really twisted and exaggerated version of my own, and when we eventually get to the Christmas Chapter where Granit visits Mikel's parents for the holiday, this will be the first time I've ever ever given people a glimpse at how my lifelong mental health problems have informed my relationship with my own family. I...really don't like to talk about this topic, including in therapy, I think for Cultural Reasons, but because I understand Mikel's life so vividly, part of that is the family part. However--without giving away the ending, Dangerous I started coming up with in like, idk early 2022? And we were well into 2022 when I came up with the ending. The message of this fic, which could be perverse to some I guess, is "fucked up people deserve love too!" Obviously I'm not fucked up like Xhakarteta are in this but...what a lovely change of message ❤️

And then dumb kids in their forties...I didn't intend for the fic to be like this, but really, Jamie's thought process in this kind of depicts me in my absolute worst moments. Again, a bit exaggerated and what not, but like I was talking about the other day, the toxic inferiority. Idk if that's even a real concept, but I don't see it depicted to this intensity, and my own inferiority issues have done a shit-ton of damage in my adult life. It's something I work on a lot, and it felt self indulgent in a fun way to put Jamie through that.

There's a little bit of me in "Visited Upon the Sons" too--mostly, my frustration with compulsory heterosexuality and how it dominates conversations no matter where you go. But weirdly, writing that and discovering this through the fic, made me feel less frustrated about it in real life. Writing as Therapy!

Wow that was absolutely too long, I truly cannot shut the fuck up lol.

K:  Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

Lately I've been enjoying reading and writing a little Wag Fic 🫢 it feels so taboo! I also like things that are kind of gratuitously exploitative, but with a caveat: it needs to be a little tongue in cheek, like I can tell the author is making a conscious choice. (I think Dangerous is kind of like that, or at least I hope so lol)

R: Which writers (fanfic or otherwise) do you consider the biggest influence on you and your writing?

Julio Cortázar, and to a lesser extent Carlos Fuentes and Gabriel García Márquez. Yesss my academic specialty was latin american boom and postboom lol. 11/10 recommend! For fic writers, legit you all are so good I'd rather attempt copying these big name authors than to even try to be like you!

@nobody33333333 LISTEN UP

I just read through all of "S.O.S" today (I've been meaning to for a bit now but I didn't want to commit to it until I knew I could sit down and read straight through). And May I Just Say.

OhmywordyouareageniusandIloveitandIreallywanttoseewhathappensnextinthemostlowpressurewaypossiblebecauseIwilljustmakethingsupinmyheadforthenextforevernowohgoodnessgraciousIhadtostopmyselffromaudiblyfreakingoutsomanytimesandI'mrealgladIwasbymyselfbecauseIdidsomanylittlewigglesandfacialexpressionsofjoythatIthinkanoutsideobserverwouldbeworriedaboutmemyheavensthatwasanexperience

I loved so many parts about it!!! How it starts with Rhonda and Number Two's skepticism, the way that Constance just stares at him and how much it unnerves him, "I see", said Curtain, understanding nothing, Number Two locks him in the most uncomfortable room she can find, and then doesn't let him out until she's good and ready (and he was up for hours! did he just get dressed and then pace like he was in a little fish bowl? did he stand facing the door the whole time so he'd be prepared when they let him out?), his opinions about Kate taking the alpaca (like he could do anything about it), poor Jeffers, the sad truth that everyone went "The Emergency? The Blue Beret Incident? The Happiness Revolution? Mass hysteria, I'm sure of it. Barely even happened", poor Jeffers, the way they decide to ask the children (and how you had them call Boatwright Academy, that was such a subtle and clever continuity detail that included Sticky but showed that he was doing alright and enjoying his education), "it was becoming harder and harder to compartmentalize now, ... the lines he had drawn between Nathaniel Benedict and Ledroptha Curtain began feeling fainter and fainter. As if he was becoming whole. Visible. Vulnerable." one of the best descriptions ever, his surprise when hearing about Garrison, the way the kids make up their minds and how Kate talks about her dad (she loves him so much!!!), Constance's demands, the photographs in his wallet!!!!

And that's just the first chapter of framing narrative

I'm going to try to contain myself so I don't just point out every minute thing about your own writing back to you, but I wanted to mention some of my favorites:

> You call him Pedalian!! I don't know why, but that feels as though it is just the most quintessentially perfect name. It captures everything I needed to know and love about this man.

> DEWEY SR. Didn't know I needed to hate this guy, but I almost burst out laughing at the narrative aside to assure us that, no, Dewey never amounted to anything worth mentioning besides raising a terrible child to experience well-deserved ironic failure.

> The way you described the library was so inviting, and the fact that Garrison was lying down when we first "see" her says a lot about her attitude and how much lighter (albeit not totally) she was.

> Milligan being captain of the rowing team and Curtain being like "Why is the popular jock here?"

> "The Society of Orphan Scientists" is just exquisitely beautiful on so many levels I'm crying

> (It also reminds me of Sticky's literal naming theme!)

> Curtain being so protective of Pedalian!!! And Milligan watching like "You aren't as sneaky and cool as you think you are, buddy"

> The way he just drops "By the way, guys, I bought an island. No it isn't so we can have secret society meetings and all live together like best friends. It is a way for me to do very Lucrative Science (and I guess you can come work on your dream projects too). It's not like I have a plan to include you or take care of you or anything.

> I really love how they all get so excited about science together!! Even if he doesn't want to acknowledge it, it is such an incredible relief to be able say something outright and not have to dumb it down or explain yourself. The academic comradery is killing me!

> How they all love him but know that, just like with everyone else, he needs someone to hold him accountable! The way that was written from Milligan's perspective lends it the most tenderly caring and observant kind of credibility

> "We’ll see about that Nicky,” I'm dead. My heart collapsed and in my last moment I was sobbing tears of emotional devastation and joy. And then Milligan's response of "Garrison's not drinking?? AND Curtain's sharing a personal story??? Who ARE these people and WHAT is going ON?? Is it the end of the world???"

> THE SYMBOLISM OF "NO ONE AT THE WHEEL"

> And throughout the chapter! The metaphor about a bus full of children, I—

> He expects to feel jealous but he doesn't!!

> I know it's about to get sad but Garrison ratting Pedalian out in the most loving and caringly sibling-esque way

> Curtain is trying so hard to protect him!! Aw, he loves his brother so much and is so desperately trying to look out for him while also letting go and not obsessively controlling him there's no way the author would have this backlash in an incredibly traumatizing yet narratively satisfying way OH WAIT

> The soul crushing way that Pedalian's "hallucinations" are revealed to be him spending his last moments with his wife— afsdj ajlksg dsds

> Curtain trying his best to take care of Garrison as if he isn't also grieving intensely and falling back into extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms my word—

> The paradox of him wanting so badly to shut down so that he doesn't have to feel this way ever again but being unable to completely because of S. Q., that is just the most heart-wrenching thing

> He immediately shuts down that lady about how children, especially "sensitive"/"inattentive, hyperactive, socially awkward, strange, and unpleasant children" (goodness I don't think I've ever wanted to strangle someone so bad), should be treated!

> Hilldegard Billingsley foreshadowing?

> Curatin's inability to do baby-talk (but he calls him "Shep"!!!)

> He really is trying to be a good dad, but even in the midst of that and his grief he can't shut the logical and science part of his brain off (even if it's being severely impaired at the moment) and he's still trying fix things and keep the people he loves (although at the moment that is mostly S. Q.) safe

I know I said I wouldn't go overboard and then I just bullet pointed the fic, but I want you to know how much I love it and how well it is written!! I can think an idea is genius, but I will struggle to get through two paragraphs if it's written poorly and has bad grammar; you mentioned that you are trying to practice your writing and I am here to say that you are doing incredible! Not to mention that I walked into it only having seen a tiny bit of your theory and am now fully sold on whatever emotionally devastating and yet so, so enjoyable ride you're going to take us on.

Also!!! Pedalian's love of birds and how Curtain both considers it and supports it and the fact that Nicholas started hiding his excitement and joy because he didn't want to fall asleep oh goodness.

At any rate, I hope you know you've wrecked me and I am going to be losing sleep over this idea for the next who knows how long. Thank you.

i think a lot about the difference between getting paid time off and taking days off--in my position, i feel like i take fewer days off than i would if my schedule and pto weren't so regimented. also, i just restrict my time off kind of pathologically because of the austerity of it all. puts you in a head space! my hours are really capped, so i can't make more subbing or something like i could at the public library. but at four days (esp. while in school) i don't really feel like i can get a second (regular) job (although i'm entering gig archives career period lol so that'll be happening next year). i mean i personally can't really work over 35 hours health and transportwise but i just mean even hypothetically. i couldn't really get second regular part time library job, office job, or retail job because of the hour demands of this one (although i do really look for local weekend-only library jobs, they never go up, and many of the sub jobs are overt scabbing [please watch out for this in libraries]). eta: i guess i should say, when i worked in public libraries, and i don't know if it's still like this, the part time clerk condition was thought of in 20-25 hour blocks and was a bit more.. modular. a lot of us may work 20 hours here, 20 hours at another library, 10 or 15 hours as a page. but because of the fake-professional nature of ts/circ at the academic library it doesn't feel designed to do that (but doesn't compensate enough to make itself livable on its own.) (also i should say, back in the day at least, as i started in clerkship really at peak post-recession library industry austerity, librarians lived like that too.) anyway we talk a lot in society about how many days we 'get' off but i want to know more about how many days we 'take' off regardless of if they're paid, and also this is fundamentally a different thing than how many hours someone works.

another thing that i'm kind of pilled on, and i don't mean this to sound haterish but. i was really shocked to discover that the chain food service workers i organize with, their companies are calling them "full time" when they are not full time. i guess i knew that this was happening but the legality escapes me. when i was a barista at not-really a chain, the practice of scheduling someone less than 40 hours to deny them benefits was hugely agitating to my coworkers. (an interesting dynamic was that we viewed it as what they did to the service workers--shop and cafe--in the museum, when the professionals got a better deal.) so it would make sense that starbucks in particular would have a rhetorical strategy to anticipate that, and (as i understand) extend their so-called benefits to less-than forties. in all the cases i'm referring to, workers say (and this makes perfect sense) is that they are called "full time" because they are allowed to work up to 40 hours, but never more, and their managers basically schedule them so that they can last-minute schedule them more hours. so they'll be on the schedule at 28-30 hours but may last minute work 38. and everywhere that's unionizing right now, especially starbucks, is using underscheduling as a tactic.

QUICK pitch for a union. if you go to a job every day in order to collect a wage from somebody, the "somebody" you collect wages from has every particular of their dumb ass little business or service provision enterprise planned out for decades. this is the economy. there is NO reason, unless you're saving lives, or choosing to be a freelance little art dork working on your own time, or whatever, and even then tbh but setting that aside, there is no reason why you should not have a guarantee about how many hours you will work on this pay period, and how many dollars will be on your next paycheck. perhaps even your next few! any deviation from that expectation should only really be determined by your personal decision (or perhaps negotiation with a coworker) to work more or less than than that. there is no reason you should be working at a god damn drive through coffee business in a shopping center and not know whether you're going to work 56 or 80 hours this month. absolutely none and this one thing is what a union is for, in my opinion. almost everybody in a union can say with some certainty exactly what they will be working (or exchanging pto for) and receiving for the next, say, 30-90 days. that itself is what it's worth.

anyway here's what's driving me crazy, and i can't decide how i feel about it. all of these people who work 28-35 hour weeks call themselves "full time" because that's what their boss says they are. i am curious if there is a potential strategy in doing this, but i'm haterish because i ROUTINELY get told i work less than the service workers when they work fewer or the same amount of hours. not naming names but a certain someone has often been working 25 hour weeks but saying they're full time and i'm part time :|.

i personally choose to organize around "part time work" because of a political strategy and identification i see within it, right, especially in my fields (libraries and higher ed.) my impulse is that these heaux have false consciousness... girl you are a part timer. part time work is queer you should lean into it

Much-belated Xmas/New Year's Chronicle

Very late and very happy New Year to all :). I never actually use this blog for, well, actually blogging, so I thought why not. I can't be bothered to make a separate one, or just keep a diary for that matter, so this is what you get.

Christmas was pretty good. I spent the actual day of it working, but eh what you can do. I listen to other people's woes for a living, and I was completely expecting all of my conversations to be from people who were sad about the holidays. Suicide rates are highest that time of year, after all. Surprisingly, I saw none of that. It was just the usual problems you hear about - relationship/academic/financial struggles mostly. I guess maybe I was projecting my own dissatisfaction with the holidays onto my job haha.

Saw my mom and sisters afterward, I was happy to finally make enough money to get them nice gifts. Though seeing family always makes me a bit uncomfortable. I think my favorite gift this year was the Beerus S.H. Figuarts from my friend :)

For new year's I visited my college town to see my friends for the first time in a while. Being a homebody with a remote job, I usually am just dressed like crap, so it was a nice opportunity to dress up. My hair is severely unmanageable, so allow me some pride and vanity in showing it off.

You should see it in its natural state...Actually, you shouldn't lol. Ignore my flushed complexion - these were taken after a few drinks. I was very happy to see one friend in particular - we'll call her Birdie - she lets me crash on her couch every time I come to visit since graduating. Though I'd much rather sleep in her bed... Unfortunately, I'm too much of a coward to do anything about that. And I feel like I'm deluding myself whenever I get the sense that she feels the same way.

Anyway, it was fun to resume our little traditions. We saw a movie. We went to a bar we both like, I bought her drinks like the Supreme Gentleman I am. We got shots of a particular brand of whiskey like always - it tastes awful but it's just what we do, idk. Oh, my other favorite gift was this necklace she made for me:

ARGHH just look at that attention to detail! It's based off of Sonic - the blue, the little charms she said were supposed to be like Chaos Emeralds. So cute. And the way it can be worn multiple ways!! It's things like this that make me think maybe she reciprocates my feelings (even though she makes jewelry for our other friends as well). She's also kept a few really stupid things I did over time, things I didn't expect she would keep. One time in 2022 I drew a big tittied Sonic on my class notes - it was especially humorous given the subject matter of the notes. And the dumb shit I drew on her whiteboard she has yet to erase - the terrifying Wario and the Big Green Dub version of Turles (quoting the Big Green Dub was an inside joke in our friend group for a while).

Like, one has to wonder, why keep these things? Do you like me or something?? Are you gay, huh? I wish. I don't even have a clue if Birdie is anything at all - I wouldn't be surprised if she were ace or something given she never talks about it, and has never had a significant other, as far as I know.

The day of New Year's Eve, we went out with some other friends/acquaintances. Unfortunately there isn't much for students to do in Athens besides go out to drink. It's just weird reuniting with people from an earlier phase of your life, people who are the same as ever. Catching up, I listened to them talk about their bands, the shows they went to recently, their finals, etc. Things I would've been concerned with a year ago. Now all I do is work. I was touched at how they congratulated me when I told them what I was up to. "Abby and her big girl job", as they said. It's just kind of bittersweet, you know? I'm just a visitor amongst them now.

I fantasized about using the strike of midnight to my advantage with Birdie. About telling her how I felt, or maybe kissing her, idk. But in reality, it took me a certain amount of alcohol to work up the courage to even hug her. I'm such a coward. Anyway, I am definitely not built for college bars anymore, lol. They're always so packed and loud - not to mention my tolerance isn't what it was.

So yeah, that was my holiday time ramble. I know no one read it, but hey it's kind of fun to use your blog as an actual blog! Maybe this is something I'll do every couple months, idk. Though I don't usually have a lot going on tbh.

SGU Week Day 2 (I promise I can count; I'm just behind!!): Favorite Character

Leave it to me to get fixated on a character who only shows up in 4 episodes of a show that got cancelled 12 years ago. 😫 I thoroughly enjoyed SGU from its inception, but Amanda Perry is what took the show from something I really enjoyed to my current hyperfixation (yes, it's her fault I'm here, this fictional lady). She lives rent-free in my head. 💖

(Also fair warning this is gonna be long as hell)

I'm aware that her primary function is that of "love interest," but her character resonated with me on a much deeper level. Maybe I didn't travel a billion light-years to be with the person I love, but I did move 1,000 miles away from everything I knew to make a life with the man who became my husband. I know what it's like to feel rejected because the person you love shows their love differently (though I've been married for almost 6 years now after 3.5 years of long-distance, and then a lengthy engagement, so I know from experience that loving differently doesn't mean loving less). I know what it's like to feel like I'm not valued as a person, though in my case, I was mistreated because I'm autistic as opposed to being paralyzed, and I was regularly used and taken advantage of for my musical abilities, with little respect for my health or needs. I wasn't a person, I was a thing. I've been targeted by people I couldn't fight back against, even for things I didn't do. I know what it's like to be left behind for a lot of social milestones (driving, dating, etc.) I know what it's like to finally find that one safe person who sees you for you.

Amanda is relatable as hell to me. I do want to focus on her specifically in this post, though obviously her romantic endeavors are a factor. Tbh one of the main reasons I like her so much is, in addition to all the other stuff I just mentioned, is that she was the one to initiate things with Rush. I have little dating experience, myself, but I was the instigator in most of my relationships, especially with my husband. Gotta love those ladies who are active instead of waiting around for a guy to make up his mind!

Anyway, I make a lot of SGU memes and dumb lil comics that I share on Facebook, and a decent chunk of them are about Amanda (she even has her own multi-episode arc!!), so I'll share some of them here. I guess if people like them, I can put them on tumblr. I'll add that the vast majority of my content takes place post-stasis, so this Amanda inhabits her own meat body, cloned from DNA the SGC had on file, and is not a computer ghost or a body-swapper with questionable ethics. 😂

I have generated A LOT of memes lmao

Well that didn't turn out to be a metaphor for anything... 😏 I didn't catch this the first time, but I ugly-laughed on my second watch-through.

When the lockdowns were first imposed in my town, I had no idea what that meant, and I was literally about to get in my car and commit a crime because I thought my husband was going to be trapped at work for 2 weeks. Obviously, that wasn't the case, but I felt this scene.

Since my brain has chosen to attach itself to a character with minimal backstory, I'm obligated to fill in the blanks. One thing I find disappointing in media is that even the nerdy women tend not to have nerdy interests, which absolutely is not what I've experienced in real life. My thought is that Amanda was already something of a prodigy ("Little Miss Brilliant" probably isn't a nickname you get for being a regular genius lmao) before her accident, probably skipped a grade or two in school, private tutors in math and science, that kind of thing, and was later homeschooled before starting college as a teen. She was probably pretty lonely because of that. I'm not quite a "genius" (I have a Master's in music and an Etsy shop, and I uhhhhh make memes about an old TV show for fun), but I am a former gifted kid. Even though I took gifted classes from 4th-12th grade (academics, not that pull-out enrichment crap), I felt very lonely even among my gifted classmates, and I struggled with making friends throughout school because I was just too different. I was weird. I liked weird stuff. The girls were mean. The boys that were my friends didn't like the girly stuff I enjoyed, so I had to lock that part of myself away to fit in. The kids a grade ahead of me obviously left, and the kids a grade below me didn't want to keep in touch when I moved on to high school or college. It was lonely. I see similar things in Amanda's brief appearances. She's on the Destiny for 3 weeks, and she pretty much just sticks to Rush because he's "safe." She tries to be friendly with Eli, but he ends up making fun of her, and he's not very nice to her later on, either (sometimes for good reason; she's my fave but she's no saint). TJ isn't exactly in a position to be socializing during a complicated surgery, so she gets a pass. 😉

This was rambly, but my point is that a lot of lonely nerds are drawn to sci-fi, even the girls. I know for a fact that I'm projecting, but come on, she designs hyperdrives. You really gonna sit there and tell me she never watched Star Trek? 😂

As a side note (oh boy even more rambling), in my fan content, she and Eli have a very sweet friendship based on their shared nerd interests. I really don't think they'd get along in canon as things were left.

Speaking of sci-fi, I like to think that, after getting recruited for the Stargate program, Amanda watched all of Wormhole X-treme to prepare herself. I also like to think that no one else on Destiny's crew has seen it except Eli, who saw a handful of episodes randomly. I just really need him to see a stargate for the first time and be all like WOW JUST LIKE WORMHOLE X-TREME 😂 These are two separate excerpts, one mentioning the show and tying it back to actual events in SG-1, and the other showing a snippet of an episode. Replicators are kinda like Legos, so of course the humanoid Wormhole X-treme versions would be Lego people (I'm not creative, I'm just silly).

Going back to feeling lonely, I do think Amanda would be pretty imaginative, even if she's kinda one-note. In a fic I'm working on, she confesses that all of her fantasies involve Rush and having working legs (disclaimer that there's obviously nothing wrong with using a wheelchair and that disabled people can and do have fulfilling romantic relationships and sex lives, but it seems clear in the show that she would like to be able to walk again, so I have stuck to that for this particular story), and the narrative quality of her fantasies is very much on par with dollar store romance novels. She reminds me a little of Tina from Bob's Burgers and her "erotic friendfiction," so I made a few crossover memes. That's Tina's copy of "Buttloose" in the 4th panel. Panel 3 is also a borrowed quote from Tina. I do think Amanda might struggle with tidiness since she spent a good 25 years not being able to pick up after herself at all. I also struggle with this due to executive dysfunction and growing up in a borderline hoarder environment, so I guess I'm projecting again RIP 😅

No, really, Camile, what do you mean????

I guess in Amanda's defense, she doesn't find Rush off-putting in any way since he's not unnecessarily mean to her. 😂

I'm not sure if I'll ever complete my fic, but one thing I'm exploring, both there and, to a less complicated degree, in my memes, is Amanda's use of the neural link while she's a computer ghost. In Seizure, she seemed to use it with ease (apart from that one colossal fuckup lmaooooo), and I'd really like to see what she could do with it after her file is no longer quarantined. I've done a lot of cringe rambling and infodumping (congrats to anyone who's actually made it this far), so I won't go into detail, but she does work on expanding use of the link so she and Ginn can use it at the same time and connect to multiple people so they can socialize and function more as crew members instead of something like a guardian angel or familiar spirit. I'd also like, as mentioned in a previous post for this event, if she could help Lisa "see" again via the neural link. Another possibility, as alluded to in the above photo, is making "holograms," which aren't really holograms, but are more like skins for the ship's AI. What's cooler, accessing a medical database in the infirmary, or asking the EMH from Voyager to give you the info you need? If you're a loser like me, it's absolutely the second one.

More backstory!! My hc is that Amanda's parents were killed in the accident that paralyzed her (on the way to some math tournament with the high school mathletes or something idk I'm a musician I don't know what STEM people do for fun), and she was raised by her grandparents. We all love to make our faves suffer, and I'm no exception. This is just a silly little comic, but there is a certain sadness of being intellectually advanced but emotionally immature, something common among gifted kids and neurodivergent people (and I'm both, wheeeee). Things are thankfully getting better now. I love seeing more acceptance. But it was difficult in the early 00s when I was a teen, and I'm sure it would have been harder for Amanda in the '80s and '90s. It's also difficult when you have to rely on someone else for transportation, but they are unwilling to take you places (I went nowhere in college except school and church and my parents were still always mad at me, which is weird of them because they actively discouraged me from driving and would not teach me or help me get over my fears, so uhhhh yeah).

Last one~

So yes, I'm definitely salty that my top 2 SGU ladies got fridged twice (Ginn's my second fave because of course she is). I do think it opened up a lot of interesting possibilities for both characters, but as the show was tragically cut short, we have to rely on fan content. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that Amanda and Ginn would have been fine had Amanda simply studied Bobby Hill's Guide to Self-Defense. Yes, it's bad, but I am a bad person and I generate irreverent things.

If you made it this far, then congratulations, you're an obsessed weirdo like me!! I know Amanda isn't exactly popular, nor is SGU, especially not so long after the fact, so I don't really expect anyone to read all this. If you do, I hope I was able to convey why she is so special to me. If nothing else, I hope you enjoyed the memes.

Also this took me like 5 hours to write, Jesus Christ I need to sleep

rant

I scroll through lots of self-help media in a bid to intellectualise my own insecurities and issues and I think I've come across something I have come to accept and question depending on the kind of days I'm having. So there's a saying that goes something like this. If you feel as though you're inadequate in some aspect, and you don't go around boasting "being" someone to take time and action to actually "become" someone, you're on the right track. While I do accept the latter, I can't help but feel like inadequacy has helped me "un-stroke" my ego if you will, made me more determined in pursuing academic excellence, but it really has been extremely damaging to my confidence as well. Full-on self sabotaging, spending more time sulking and thinking about wanting to do well instead of putting the time into studying. Panicking for months after exams because I feel like I'll never do good enough. Now that I got into a "high tier" uni with a relatively stellar employment rate, I don't know what to do. I haven't taken the time to find out what I like, I haven't had the confidence nor ambition to do popular majors like psychology or political science, and I think I'm downright too sensitive and dumb to take philosophy. Like, maybe its just because its 1am, and my moms snoring so loudly I can hear her from a room away, and I can't get any sleep that has me wanting to share something, but where exactly is the line between confidence and ego? I guess confidence generally has a more positive connotation and allows you to be assured and at the same time reassure others with certainty in your actions, whereas with ego it more of seeks to make you more and more close-minded and limits how much you can accept, absorb and learn over time. The differences in the impact of these are so drastic, but the line between the both is so hazy. I dont even know why I'm fearing both. It's scary to have absolute certainty in your every movement, to be so heavily relied on can also breed sorts of complacency, but at the same time to be so egositic makes life hard for people around you, and frankly I just have a distaste for them, but I sympathise them at times. Ok goodnight

hello!! first of all I really wanted to say I loooove a place further then the universe, like fr it's one of my favorite fics out there, I've been screaming with my friend about it for some time now like we fangirl so much I ABSOLUTELY DIED when you replied to me once on ao3 BAHSHSJJSSJJSJ like please will you autograph my forehead??? 🙏🙏

I just love the pepa and mirabel as a mother-daughter duo so much and it's one of the few stories that makes them have this relationship and don't make julieta as a bad mom, I really love that

I really love how you do the characters and the oc's are also amazing! my favorite scenes are the flashbacks because they're so deliciously painful while also being super cute 🥹🥹 I just feel so sorry for my poor weather milf, I really want them to be reunited again I'm such a sucker for family reunions 🤧 and the moment mirabel calls her mamí is the moment my soul will ascend, literally leave my body and go straight up to heaven there will be no me left, only a puddle of tears

OH, and also, I wanted to ask, who is your favorite oc and why? 👀

but fr, your fic makes my heart really happy, just wanted to say that, I hope you'll have a wonderful day!! 💛

Hi! Wow, I was not expecting this but you have very much made my day, anon! <3

I’m so glad you like APFTTU, it’s my first foray into a fully-planned multichapter fic, and I’ve really been blown away by how well it’s been received, but wow, people fangirl over my work? Consider me struck dumb! I do try my best to get back to commenters, but I’m taking a wee bit of a break due to academic-related burnout and also I’ve sort of fallen out of the Encanto fandom, but not to worry, I have every intention of finishing APFTTU, it’s just not my first priority in terms of WIPs anymore.

I’m so glad you like my characterisation and the OCs, I was initially very nervous about them since I myself am not a fan of OCs, but it’s great to see people enjoy them! I’ve even gotten a little attached to them myself 😅 And speaking of, I think my favourite OC would have to be either Javier, Elsi and Ariel, mostly because I based them off myself and my best irl friends. (I’ll let you guess which one is meant to be me ;P)

Oh, and as for the family reunion… I can tell you it’s due somewhere between chapter 14-16, but I sincerely doubt it’ll be the reunion any of you expect ;)

Thank you for loving my fic, it’s been a pleasure to write and I hope you’ll have enough patience to stick around for the second arc!

I'm bored and stuck at home due to the weather so here's atleast a few weird and dumb stuff I thought or experienced as a kid that in randomly thinking about now I guess:

1. I remember it was sometime in grade school and I remember it was either near or was Black History Month so out teacher wanted us to write something based on Martin Luther King Jr. and I sorta remember the concept was something along the lines of how modern day life would be different negatively if MLK didn't make the change that he did in society when it came to combating segregation and anti-blackness. Nothing bad happened but I remember something silly which is when at the end of my essay or paragraph(I don't remember how long it was supposed to be I was too young and barely remember anything more recent in a clear state anymore anyways so *shrug*)but I remember thinking that my mom was a black woman because little me didn't know yet that there were more than white and black people or that biracial people could exist(my mom is a latina person and I don't think a white latina either unless she's just naturally more tan and has more non-eurocentric features I guess? Btw I am very clearly a white latine person if you were to meet me irl atleast sooo). I don't think anyone caught up on that in hindsight but I just thought it was interesting.

2. For a lot of my academic career aka school days, I would go to a very catholic and patriotic family-oriented school for all grades except high-school since my mom mostly ran the household at the time I suppose and wanted me to follower her faith since she grew up with it. Not saying that's bad or whatever obviously, but I remember chatting as a girl to another girl at the lunch table one day and I don't exactly remember how the convo got there, but she brought up the idea that if your parents live eachother very much and are good people who believe in God or something that they'd get a baby and not yk...having sex or something since we were little kids. I then brought up the new information to my dad later that day when he came home after helping me with homework, feeling like such a smarty-pants I guess you could say before he sat me down and told me that it was technically more than that(My dad's a Christian btw, so he wasn't saying that it was wrong to love God). He then sorta attempted to gently explain the "Birds and the Bees" to me since maybe he felt like it was important for me to learn before I ended up freaking out and feeling nasty. Idk it was sorta blurry but it's still funny to remember sometimes heh.

3. Since my mom is not from the USA originally and instead was from a Spanish speaking Latin-American country(not gonna be explaining the specifics due to safety and privacy atleast just incase), she obviously had different customs and cultural traditions along with other practices she wanted to share with me since she got here from knowing those from North America. Nowadays the idea is good and my mom was atleast right in attempting to get to know new stuff from a non-white point of view, but I remember the music being played in the background and people chatting amongst eachother being really loud atleast in the ears of little girl me and it made me sorta annoyed at her side of the family(Not in a racist way obvi, but more like in a "Omg my family is so embarrassing can you guys stop being so crazy??"type of phase that I believe some kids go through).Eventually, now that I've grown older I've grown more appreciative of those types of experiences as it's very important for children to try new things and for those who may have varying heritage to try out non-american stuff related to them.

Rating how people reacted to me coming out as autistic - Part 2

5 - "Really? Man, I should also go to a therapist to see if I have anything because I'm so hyperactive, but I'm scared I'll find out something I don't like"

-15/10 - He says he has ADHD but won't go on a therapist to learn how to deal with it and instead uses this ADHD as an excuse when he upsets his girlfriend. He turned out to be a big piece of shit, so yeah.

6 - Oh, but it's like, a really mildly type, right?

-5/10 - Just because you think I'm academically smart and have lots of friends in college doesn't mean I can't be autistic. You do not know my struggles and therefore do not have the authority to say I have it easier. But I understand I can't expect people to know about autism as much as me, who have been researching about it for years. Guess the invalidation is a mandatory part of a ""low support needs autistic""

7 - "Thank you for telling me"

10/10 - Also hugged me, told everyone to shup up when I said I was about to "come out" to them, and asked me polite questions about it later.

8 - "I tink I also have something like that because sometimes I'm smart but I'm so dumb other times"

-50/10 - Okay, I understand the whole deal of feeling really smart sometimes and understanding some concepts easily but also having a hard time understanding others and feeling dumb, BUT that's exactly what my mom would say to me when I was a kid, so listening to this is kind of triggering, and also you are literally saying neurodivergent people are dumb which is not true and actually really ableist. Yes, we have a learning disability, but just because we have a hard time grasping some concepts doesn't make us dumb, we just think different, and there's nothing wrong about it. Our value as people is not determined by our capacity to fit into this capitalist idea of inteligence and productivity, bitch.

9 -Really? *Looks at me in disbelief* Well, everyone is a little bit autistic

-50/10 - OH I'M SORRY I guess I waisted my time trying to get a diagnosis since everyone is autistic then, but if everyone is a little bit autsitc then why didn't I get sympathy from adults growing up when I would talk a lot and want to be alone and have a hard time making friends or understanding social cues and instructions, huh? Also, that means you're autistic too? But what percentage of autistic are you? Would you say you're 10% autistic? Huh? Tell me about you're strugles, I'm dying to hear it, bitch. Wow, being invalidated as an autistic person just because I had good grades growing up, how original.

September 13, 2022

Honestly, I haven't been feeling too great today. I don't really know what it is, or why I feel this way. I just feel sad and stressed. Last time I wrote in here, I was finishing up a masters program to get into medical school, but to be honest, I realized medical school and becoming a physician is just not for me. I want a life, I don't want to sit in class for 4 hours then sit and study for another 5 just to be average. I definitely still want to save lives and change lives. So I decided to pursue a PhD in neuroscience. I'm proud of myself. For somehow stumbling ass backwards into this degree, but doing it nonetheless.

I also just got engaged to the guy I've been dating for the past 3 years. It feels unreal to even type that out and I just think about the girl that was sitting in her bedroom 10 years ago, making this blog and writing her feelings and like I'm here now. I'm proud of the academic accomplishments I've made, but I know I have a long way to go. In terms of my personal life, I've grown insanely. But I don't know if the girl 10 years ago would be proud of the person I've gotten engaged to. I'm just not sure. I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was when I first fell for him. But really I don't even know how it all even happened, because I just don't. I'm not trying to understand how it happened or how I got engaged. I just don't know if it was the right thing to do. Our relationship was tainted. I know he's such a great guy, and he cares deeply for me. Just as I care deeply for him too. But it just feels like lately, I've been trying to pull away. I don't know if I just don't feel emotionally safe and that's why, or if I'm trying to hold onto something that's broken.

I feel dumb thinking it's been over a year since I found out he cheated on me, and now a year later I'm engaged to him. Like, something just isn't adding up in my head. And I still wonder if he's talking to someone else. I don't feel like I'm important to him. Like I know he places importance on me, but it just feels like it's not out of love but out of responsibility. And I don't know how to fix that really.

I know I have a lot more on my mind, but I guess that's all I can really type out and say. I just don't feel like the love is there.