Lost S2 is very clearly splitting the characters into two groups, people who are better off on the island (John, Sun and Jin, Rose and Bernard, Charlie, Sawyer probably, etc) and people who still want to go home (Jack, Hugo, Sayid, Desmond, etc). And I’m confused as to why Kate is in the “wants to go home” group because she’s a wanted murderer and bank robber? Isn’t it better for her to stay on the island? Like I KNOW it’s just so she can get with Jack but does that really make sense?

          hillo sexthy legends !!   i’m nora and i’ll be writing margo colby n probs sm1 else bcos lets be real, i lack self-control. u can find her pinterest here n some info abt her sexy self below the cut. plot with me on discord ( hot girl midsommar#8664 ) or in my ims !!  x o x

     * CAMILA MORRONE, CIS WOMAN + SHE / HER  | you know MARGO COLBY, right? they’re TWENTY-THREE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ELEVEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to SCRAWNY BY WALLOWS  like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole BLEACH WHITE SNEAKERS POUNDING ON A GYMNASIUM FLOOR, USING THE SAME BLUNT SCISSORS TO HACK THE SLEEVES OFF AN EXES T-SHIRT THAT YOU USE TO CUT YOUR 3AM FRINGE, A WALNUT-SHAPED ACHE IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH FOR THE PERSON YOU COULD HAVE BEEN thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is AUGUST 8TH, so they’re a LEO, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nora, 25, gmt, she/her )

CLICK ANYWHERE ON THIS SENTENCE FOR SEXII GOOGLE DOC!!

bullet point summary of margo.

—   born margaret but NOBODY calls her that. its colby, coach or margo, and go to the privileged few. margo grew up in the creek commune n then dropped out of school cos of a teenage pregnancy so she was a bit of a cautionary tale back in’t’day (said tht in my yorkshire accent). she now works for summer camps coaching pee wee soccer and pee wee cheer, as well as helping out her beekeeper dad on his honey farm, which is jst north of abernathy creek, and working at scuba on the off seasons.

—  its just her and her dad, and has been for as long as she can recall !! everything she knows about her mum could fit on the back of the weathered passport photo she keeps in her wallet of a stranger who shares her face - her name’s melody, or at least tht was name she used when working as a dancer, she’s from argentina and dropped mag’s dad as soon as someone w more money came along.

—  margo’s father is a beekeeper with his own organic honey company. margo and her dad moved to irving in the early 00s, the summer between grade school and middle school, because her dad had heard about the communal living in abernathy creek and wanted to lend his skills there and live off the fatta the land in a very lenny from of mice and men kinda way.

—  for a few years of middle school margo was bullied for living with the ‘freaks from the creek’, but when they realised how chill her dad was with underage drinking, margo ‘keg-bringer’ colby soon gained popularity among the more renegade students. every so often, the high school parties would happen at her end of town, occasionally with members of the commune even offering the high schoolers a spiritual experience they’d never forget (often in the form of mushrooms) which meant people tried to stay on her good side. to get an invite to a margo colby party handed you a free pass to make up the most ridiculous shit about the commune you liked and nobody else could say anything, because they’d never been to the creek.

—  at school, margo had a lot of ‘behvioural issues’ bcos of undiagnosed adhd, she found it difficult to sit still for hours n write down huge chunks of information n her restlessness was seen as laziness. she was encouraged to do sports, as were most of the kids who weren’t that academically inclined, but she turned out to be pretty hot shit at sprinting, because she grew up surrounded by bee houses and he who runs slowest gets stung, baybeyy!! so yea, in school sports became her LIFE. she was gonna get a sports scholarship to college but ended up dropping out of school in senior year n becoming one of those kids who could have had it all but lost it.

—  she had sex with sutter at a house party when she wasnt really ready because it felt like the right thing to do at the time and everybody else was doing it. she’d attended health class, she’d seen the corny videos. she knew about all the statistics, but she also knew that it had never happened to anyone she knew and the pull out method was basically safer than the morning after pill and way less expensive.

—  a teenage pregnancy knocked her out of the runnings for prom queen and meant she had to leave school early. she didn’t go to college when her friends did, instead she spent the time interviewing potential foster candidates and eating her weight in lindt chocolate while marathoning love island in her room.  

—  she had a son, who she passed off to someone else a couple of towns away.  it was a closed adoption which seemed like the best idea at the time, but she now wishes she had access to his life.

—  after peaking in high school and jumping between jobs for a few years, she got a more permanent role at scuba which she loves with all of her heart and soul, but unfortunately a bar job doesn’t pay the rent.  

—  she works at summer camps coaching  junior soccer and netball on the side. she’s extremely competitive and takes it very personally if her team lose. the kids all call her, coach colby n write her longwinded letters about how they’ll never forget this summer camp before they go back to their suburban picket fence houses n she keeps all the letters in a drawer n takes them out to read when she’s feelin depressed.

—  enjoys surfing and worked for a number of years on resorts like mila kunis’ job in forgetting sarah marshall. she went on to work 18-hour days as a stewardess on luxury yachts which is a part of her backstory i added after watching season one of below deck because i guess i really am that fucking impressionable. met most of her surf friends doing tht but said she’d never in her life do it again bcos it was mostly just picking up after rich white ppl for shit pay. she came back to irving n thats when she started doing the summer camp jobs so she could move out of the creek n get her own apartment. 

—  she never actually finished senior year so she’s currently going to night school at the community college to get through her exams and is trying to save to go to college or open university. she wants to major in criminology. she’s super ambitious but also super adhd so she fluctuates between thinking she can achieve anything to just feeling like a failure n thinkin whats the point

—  used to shoplift to feel joy and as an act of resistance to her hippy commune routes, but now sees herself as a reformed, bin-diving freegan (sims 4 eco living can i get a hell yaaaa). also she thinks it’s totally wrong to steal when you have enough money and clearly don’t need to steal to survive, ppl risk imprisonment for basic necessities, so for her to do it for a brief thrill and some new shades felt a bit derogatory

—  was raised jewish. became a vegetarian as a child because it seemed, at the time, easier than having to explain which foods she was and wasn’t allowed to eat together, so she just cut out meat entirely. still a vegetarian now and dabbles in veganism, although its become less about not eating certain meats in the milk of their mother and more about her global impact / carbon footprint

—  nurses little animals to health in her garden. has a hedgehog name OJ short for orange juice not the other one filthy pig. her and her dad have always been huge animal rights activists and existed on a vegetarian diet. the only one in their house who isn’t vegetarian is their cat, auggie. (short 4 augustus gloop)

—  has a lot of stupid ass stick and poke tattoos. there was a phase during her years as a barmaid where she wanted to train as a tattoo artist n would mostly practice on herself or any friends who would let her

—  she doesn’t form many long lasting friendships cos she tends to be super excited when she makes a new friend and just see them all the time but then it wears off and she can ghost a bit. she’ll always coming pinging back but she’s not the most predictable or loyal friend, sometimes she’ll sleep in your house every night for a week and then you won’t even get a text from her for a month. her best friends are elderly neighbours and houseless people she meets when volunteering at the foodbank. she thinks they’re more authentic than most of the ‘fake posers’ she meets down the vela pier

—  calls herself a butch lesbian but still has sex with men when she wants validation. sexually attracted to some men, especially effeminate men, but only romantically attracted to women. very possessive of the gals in her life.

—  stopped giving a shit about getting older or adhering to anyone elses bullshit standards, realised it was all fake p much as soon as she dropped out of school and one by one her friends just stopped texting her

—  lives in one of the lofts in port apartments. it’s open plan with rugs and lava lamps everywhere. she has a palette bed. its all very ‘sustainable chic’. like, oh wow, a pallet bed that im supposed to think you made from scratch but i KNOW you got it  off ebay because you thought it looked trendy

—  constantly says shes poor but still buys clothes from urban outfitters. sus.

—  frequently found at fannies flirting with the cute bisexual bartender with a choppy black bob.

general vibe / personality

vibrant, vulgar, self-absorbed, tenacious, veers bewteen apathetic and dogmatic, temperamental, flighty, unreliable, magnetic, charismatic, passive aggressive, likes to play devil’s advocate, takes the moral high ground. estp and a leo

likes: 70s music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy, cowboy chic culture, dc comics, the smell of locker rooms,, deep red lipstick, lacrosse sticks, smoking weed from a bong, dogs, karaoke, pet rats, kate moss, late-night strolls, hawaaiian shirts worn open over a bralette, skinned knees, thai food, picking the apples at the very top of the trees, zip-lining, cigarettes, the idea of pegging but not the practical application of it, decorative lamps, LGBTQ+ pin badges, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

dislikes: girls who call other girls ‘pick me’ girls, woody allen movies, mental mathematics, wealthy children, quentin tarantino, ironing, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, ‘dump him’ feminism, wes anderson films, spoken word poetry nights, college-educated bar staff who act like they’re better than you,  indie softbois, the general mentality of cheerleading squads.

aesthetics

orange peel, the smell of bleach, skeleton drawings in the margins of a journal, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, bleach white sneakers pounding on a gymnasium floor, setting dumpsters on fire for the hell of it. a hit flask of vodka decorated with hello kitty stickers, split knuckles, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, a child in an oversize bee keepers suit, scabbed knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you,  a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

hoo boy this is getting LONG AS FUCK but here are my wanted plots

wanted plots

ok margo’s been in irving since she was like 10. she’s quite a vivacious person?? she dresses completely instinctively without any sense of cohesion so she stands out. a guy once told her she was wearing the ugliest outfit he’d ever seen and he thought that was so cool and brave of her. but anyway where was i going.. she grew up in the abernathy creek so stuck out like a sore thumb,,,, maybe ppl who were super interested in the creek or maybe poked fun at her bcos of it idk.....

b4 she dropped out, margo used 2 b in with the cool kids at school bcos her dad would buy them booze and rarely ask for the money. maybe a fun plot cld b with some of the ‘it girls’ she used to hang around with b4 she got pregnant n dropped out and they all went off to college n stopped texting her.

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! some1 she feels like she knew before irving ???

since margo literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships. fwbs. enemies with benefits. all the angst. all the slow burn mutual pining we hate each other narratives

locals who play sports. margo wld be all over community soccer n take it way too seriously. maybe ppl she plays hockey with. girls who she’s like, weirdly intimate with but its not a thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

she works part time at scuba. i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry.

she's also a surf instructor and occasionally works as a lifeguard!! gal has like 7 jobs ik but regular swimmers hmu

ppl she coaches at the gym !! she wants to be a personal trainer

i reckon she might have recently started meditating to try and calm down her mind cos its always bustling with thoughts, n i think she’s p interested in buddhism so if anyone’s a buddhist hmu

someone she’s trying to make a zine with on female empowerment and women in film and art, etc. just a very feminist zine. 

TLDR:  angry sports gay, former high school track prodigy turned drop out, who likes feminist literature, wearing leather jackets over slip dresses, and smudged red lipstick.

this was so long !!! im sorry !! if you’ve read this far have a biscuit, love x

Sorry I'm a bit late, but here's some Lost nonsense from my brain:

If Jacob's & MIB's adopted mum didn't adopt them, then a whole lot of mess could have been avoided.

Also.

Why didn't John's dad just say he was moving after he stole his kidney and see him like once a year? (That way if you need to borrow a lung later down the line the option is is there.)

Also.

If I knew my past self was gonna kill my son I won't let that happen. Screw the time space continuum, I'm doctor who-ing this nonsense.

And on top of that.

How come no one really tried to mess about with time in the 70s? I know there was a bit of "ahh don't effect the future" but like, if I was stuck in the past I'd have a go at screwing around with time. I'd be like suck it universe, there's no Internet and I've got people in the present I care about. I know alot of the Lost people had reasons not to, like Jin's trying to keep his family safe and Sawyer doesn't really have anyone outside of the island. But Julie's sister? Kate needing to find Claire? WHY WASNT THERE A DANIEL FOCUSED EPISODE ABOUT HIM TRYING TO CHANGE THE FUTURE AND SAVE CHARLOTTE THAT JUST MADE THE FUTURE HAPPEN MORE SO THAT THEN WHEN SAYID SHOT CHILD BEN I COULD HAVE BEEN ALL LIKE nah bro thats no gonna help, when instead I thought there was gonna be some funky timeline nonsense that I'm always here for AND THEN THERE WASNT. Also more Daniel.

Last thought (sorry I can't shut up)

Now I'm thinking about it, why was everyone's reaction to Sayid shooting child Ben as a bland "this is bad" ?? Im not trying to say it was good, but its like the whole 'go back in time and kill Hitler as a kid' argument? I thought characters would at least have thoughts? Like no one even talked about it beyond face value?? Or even had an emotion?? Everyone was just like: "this is bad, but let's leave him with his abusive dad" ???????????????

Epilogue Thought: i genuinely thought when Kate handed child Ben over to the Others she was doing to say something to him along the lines of what adult Ben said to her at the beginning of series 3 when they had breakfast together. (My memory is so bad, but it's something like "I wanted you to have a nice memory to cling onto because a lot of bad is going to happen.") And then it was gonna be like a weird time loop thing of who really said it first, like Ben doesn't remember them properly or anything (but it might help why he didn't just ask Jack for surgery help when they first crashed.)

lost spoilers ahead

Okay, first of all, how the fuck did you send a message this long. Whenever I send messages, I'm given a character limit???

If Jacob's & MIB's adopted mum didn't adopt them, then a whole lot of mess could have been avoided.

"Adopted", yes that the's word for it. And yeah... yeah. The entire plot of LOST, down the drain. Isn't it ironic, this show is known for so much daddy issues and all of this fuss was caused by mommy issues

Why didn't John's dad just say he was moving after he stole his kidney and see him like once a year? (That way if you need to borrow a lung later down the line the option is is there.)

Short answer: Because Anthony Cooper is a cunt

Longer answer: it's pooossible that anthony genuinely didn't wanna spend any time with locke at all. as you pointed out, this isn't pragmatic on his part. but he's a dick. he also has a history of not sticking around the people he's conned

If I knew my past self was gonna kill my son I won't let that happen. Screw the time space continuum, I'm doctor who-ing this nonsense.

I've had this same thought. Offense to Eloise, but I'm different.

like, yeah, even if it turns out to not be possible, there's merit in fucking trying to prevent this. like, morally, emotionally, i'd respect eloise if she'd fucking TRIED to not kill her baby boy :(((

legit, same, if i knew i was destined to kill my boy, i'd be like "no"

and at the very fucking least, i'd give the best life possible! which, paradox or no, is what a parent is SUPPOSED to do, eloise!!

not only does eloise not even try to not do this, what makes it so much worse is that she didn't allow him the life he wanted. you know he's gonna die young, bitch, let him have love and piano!

HES NOT EVEN ASKING FOR MUCH. free will??? please???

i Cannot talk about eloise without going on this rant, it seems

and the rest of ur message, i won't copy paste, but what ur saying about time travel. i'm kinda indifferent to a possiblity of them trying to change more but thinking about it, it's odd that they didn't Try more. however this can chalked up to like, not enough run time. but yes i'm all in favour of the characters ties to other characters mattering more. and charlotte mattering more. grrrr

oh boy the ben thing. well, i don't blame them for the This Is Bad thing. because it is. it's very bad to shoot a child. i wanna say, sayid is so fucking out of character when he does this. the writers mishandled sayid pretty bad in seasons 5 and 6, sigh. personally i don't believe its anywhere near okay to try to kill somebody because they're gonna be a bad person One Day. but yeah i am surprised there wasn't more of a debate about this in canon. we have people of different morals here... plus, it's a debate in real life. i'm in the "punish the people who have actually done something wrong" camp

it's fucked that he has to stay with roger though. i don't put that on our losties tho, overall i blame the others. because they could have accepted ben into the others way sooner and they really should have. richard could see this kid was suffering and they let him stay with his abusive dad. that's awful. then again, charles was in charge during this time period so that makes THAT make more sense but ugh

and finally. inch resting... i always saw kate's sympathy for little ben as 1. he's only a child, he's Not big ben. and 2. she grew up in an abusive home too so she sees a kindred spirit

regarding ben's memory, it annoys me how the writers felt the need to erase some of little ben's memories to supposedly Make It Make Sense but i felt that was unneeded. i think it's perfectly viable for ben to remember all the stuff that went down in season 5 but he never mentioned it because why the fuck would he. for one thing, he was henry gale at first, he's hardly gonna be like "oh hey are you the guy who shot me when i was a kid??" no, he'd keep his memories to himself. i think ben keeps a lot of things to himself for tactical reasons so i think the lost writers employed a get outta jail free card when they really didn't need to

Learn To Be Lonely, Ch. 2: The Longest Happy Hour

Tom Holland X Reader, Soulmate!AU

In a world where two souls are destined for each other, is it possible to find love when your other half has passed- or are you truly destined to have a lonely heart forever?

Word Count: 2500

Learn To Be Lonely Masterlist

Masterlist   Tom Holland Masterlist

*gif is not mine*

A/N: Sorry for not posting this sooner, major edits were made...

~~~

Happy Hour- what a lie that was.

Your new coworkers had invited you to join them for Friday’s Happy Hour, and you went with them, thinking it’d be a decent way to make new friends in this new place. While you enjoyed the down-priced drinks and appetizers, your coworkers were much more concerned with themselves than with you, which led to you nursing a drink in the corner of the bar alone.

Your first month in England was finally over. Your apartment was starting to feel more like home. Now with a dresser, a desk, a bookcase, and even a trash can, it felt a lot homier than it had felt before when it was just a bed and nightstand. Your suitcases were tucked away in the closet, and your clothes were all folded into the dresser drawers. You had a few decorations and pictures up hanging from your walls, so that they weren’t so menacingly bare.

You really, really missed New York. You missed your life before your 23rd birthday. You missed Kate, and you missed Leo even though you two were never that close. You missed going to Happy Hour with your old coworkers that, while you weren’t close friends with any of them, would gladly drink away their troubles with you.

It wasn’t like you had no friends in Kingston. You had Daisy and sort of Harrison. You didn’t want to think about how sad it was that your only real friend was your roommate, the person you’re contractually obligated to tolerate on a daily basis, with your second closest friend being more of an acquaintance and he was your roommate’s boyfriend that spent most days of the week at her place. You and Daisy got along well though. You introduced her to your favorite binging series The Bachelor and she introduced you to her go-to series Love Island. You were lucky to have a roommate like her.

Ever since Ikea when you first moved in a month ago, you wondered what Daisy’s former roommate was like. Did they also have Love Island marathons together? How long had she lived there before leaving? There wasn’t a trace of her in your current room. You wanted to ask, to know why Tom was so distraught over you being Daisy’s new roommate, but you couldn’t ask. Harrison and Daisy always got quiet and almost secretive when it came to the subject of her past roommate and the subject of Tom. It was none of your business though, and you knew better than to try to figure it all out, even if you had a strange feeling that somehow Tom and the mysterious ex-roommate were connected.

“Another round?” The bartender asked you with a smile, stopping as he noticed your empty glass. It could have been the alcohol talking, but he was cute and friendly, and he had dimples. Plus, you still weren’t completely used to everyone having British accents, which made it hard not to find every male around your age attractive. So maybe it was the alcohol making him even more attractive than usual.

“Yes, please.” You smiled back as he took your glass and started on your next one. Someone slid into the barstool beside you, tapping their fingers on the bar.

“I’ll have what she’s having.” They said and you looked over, already recognizing the voice that you hadn’t heard in a month. If the lack of burning pain on your wrist was any indication, Tom was beside you. He turned to you with a large smile, “What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”

“Does that pickup line actually work over here?” You teased, as the bartender set down your drinks. Tom threw his head back laughing at your minutely funny joke. His brown eyes were a little glazed over, telling you that the drink before him wasn’t his first of the night.

“I don’t believe that line’s ever been successful.” Tom laughed.

“And yet you still tried it on me.” You shook your head, playfully rolling your eyes before taking a sip of your drink.

“Worth a shot.” He shrugged with a lop-sided smile, “Besides I’m not a creepy stranger using that pickup line so maybe it would’ve worked.”

“Creepy, no. Stranger, though,” You trailed off a little. This was only the fourth time you had ever talked to him and you knew nothing about him. Just because you had mutual friends didn’t make him not a stranger, even something about him made you feel comfortable, like you could trust him with anything.

“Alright, you got me there, darling. What do you want to know?” He sent you a charming smile, taking another drink of his alcohol.

“How long have you lived in Kingston?” You bit your lip as you waited for his answer, curious to see how this evening would turn out.

“My whole life. Where did you move from?” Tom asked.

“New York.” You replied, feeling a strange weight lift off your shoulders, “Middle name?”

“Stanley.” He said, making you let out a laugh.

“That’s such an old man name.” You teased.

“It’s my middle name, not my actual name.” He rolled his eyes playfully at you, “What’s yours?”

“Y/M/N.” You answered before immediately asking another question, “Got any pets?” Tom’s smile brightened as he got out his phone, showing you his lock screen of the cutest blue Staffordshire terrier you’d ever seen.

“Her name’s Tessa.” Tom explained proudly, putting his phone away after another moment of looking at the photograph.

“She’s adorable.” You smiled softly, taking a moment to appreciate how much love shone in his eyes for his dog.

“Why’d you move out here? To Kingston?” He asked, and you shook your head with a laugh.

“I need to be a little bit more drunk to answer that.” You joked. “Do you have a secret talent?”

“I can dance.” He admitted, laughing, “And I need to be a little bit more drunk to actually dance.”

“How’d you know I was going to ask?” You went to take another sip of the drink you’d been nursing, frowning when you realized it was all gone. Tom’s drink had long been finished. You asked the bartender for another round, who served the two of you happily, sending a small wink your way.

“Are you into him?” Tom asked, nodding his head to the bartender that was currently focusing on serving another group.

“What are you going to do about it?” You quirked an eyebrow flirtatiously at his words.

“Just a question. Two strangers getting to know each other, right?” He played off your flirty comment.

The effortless conversations and somewhat flirty banter went on between the two of you for hours. It was nice, it was what you needed after a rough adjustment to this new life. And it was with Tom, who, though he seemed so open with you, was still a mystery. You didn’t know why, but you felt like you were meant to be around him, and your wrist not burning felt like a reassuring sign.

“We should probably head out.” Tom said to you once he looked at his watch.

“What time is it?” You asked.

“2 AM.” He replied.

“Walk me home?” You asked, standing from your stool as Tom did the same. He took your left hand in his, intertwining your hands, and leading you out of the club. Your apartment wasn’t that far away, and drunk you really wanted to stay out and enjoy the night air- as well as to maximize your time with Tom. There were clouds lining the sky, but the cloud still managed to peek through a little to give you some overhead light, besides just the streetlights.

“‘Course, darling.” He smiled, walking down the street with you. His hand never dropped yours and you leaned in closer to his side. You felt a few drops of rain tickle your face before it started to sprinkle. You felt Tom tense beside you, clutching your hand a little bit tighter.

“Don’t like the rain?” You asked.

“I’ve just had bad experiences with it.” He stated. 

“Have you ever danced in the rain?”

“Now why would I do that?” Tom laughed lightly. You stopped walking and turned to him. The rain shifted from sprinkles to actual rain, making you smile as you teasingly began to dance, pulling Tom’s right hand with your movements.

“Because it’s fun. Come on, dance with me.” You encouraged him. Tom couldn’t hide his smile as he listened to you and started to sway his body with yours. Chest to chest, you were pressed up against each other, enjoying your time together. Your dance session was cut short by none other than Mother Nature herself who made the clouds start to pour rain. Though you and Tom were already soaked, you both dodged for cover at an empty bus stop, laughing from the weather.

“Must be hard to dislike rain when you live here.” You said, once the two of you had calmed your laughter down. Tom nervously played with your fingers.

“I didn’t always dislike the rain. It’s more of a recent thing.” He explained. Sensing his uneasiness, you dropped the topic.

“I wanted a new life.” You spoke up after a few silent moments. “That’s why I moved out here.”

“You didn’t have to tell me.” Tom said, feeling a little guilty that you had remembered to answer his question.

“I saw drunk Tom dance, it’s the least I could do.” You replied with a small shrug.

“Can I ask what was so bad about your old life?” At his words, you silently took off the bracelet on your left wrist, the only thing covering your faded mark.

“I’m a solum now, forever destined to be incomplete.” You quietly admitted, your voice just barely above a whisper. Tom gently ran a finger over your mark before wordlessly grabbing your wrist and placing a small kiss to the faded symbol.

“You’re not incomplete to me.” He spoke softly. Looking into his warm brown eyes as he continued to lightly trace over your mark, you felt yourself getting drawn into him again. You wanted to kiss him, wanted to share that new level of intimacy with him, but you couldn’t. You were the solum, not him; he had someone out there, you didn’t. He wasn’t your soulmate; he most likely hadn’t found his soulmate yet. You weren’t supposed to kiss someone who isn’t your soulmate, and you definitely weren’t supposed to feel this way about someone who isn’t your soulmate.

When the rain had cleared up after the rather short storm, you and Tom started to make your way back to your apartment. Your fingers mindlessly intertwined together, you posed the thoughtful question that had been on your mind ever since you met him, “Do you believe in fate? In being destined to meet someone? Other than your soulmate, I mean.”

“What do you mean then?” He asked, a curious smile on his face.

“Like us. We’re not soulmates, but I don’t know, I feel like I was meant to know you. We had four chance encounters, fate’s got to play a role in all this somehow.”

“I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink tonight.” He laughed lightly at your thought-provoking words, “But if you believe we were destined to meet each other, then I believe that, too.”

“I’m serious. I feel like the universe wants us to know each other, even if it didn’t write us out as soulmates.” You let out a small sigh, before laughing, “I probably have had too much to drink. The night air’s getting to my head.”

Tom just chuckled and the two of you continued on. You made it back to your apartment in the early hours of the morning. Knowing Daisy had stayed at Harrison’s, you weren’t too concerned about being the noisy roommate. Just as Tom was dropping you off at the door, it began to rain heavily again. 

“You can stay if you’d like.” You offered, feeling Tom’s uneasiness with the change of weather. You didn’t even know how close his place was to yours, and you weren’t about to make him walk home alone.

“I’d hate to be a bother.” He shook his head, and you remembered back to the day at Ikea. Something had to have happened between him and Daisy’s old roommate, and you were still left out of the loop. You let out a small sigh.

“I know you were upset about me moving in here, but really, I don’t want you to go home alone, especially in the rain since you don’t like it.” You said, reassuringly squeezing his hand in yours. He paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. Swallowing down a lump in his throat, he nodded.

“Alright, I’ll stay.” Tom caved into your convincing. You smiled softly at him, leading him into your apartment.

“Do you need a change of clothes?” You asked him as you entered your bedroom, shuffling over to your dresser to get out a pair of pajamas for yourself.

“Um, y-yeah, if you don’t mind.” His voice shook, stepping into the room. You watched as his eyes scanned around it. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking, what had happened with Daisy’s old roommate, but you could see the sorrow in his face as his chest deflated a little. 

“Here. They’re my best friend’s fiance’s. I know, it’s weird, but she left them here.” You held out a pair of Leo’s sweats and a t-shirt of his to Tom.

“Thank you.” He replied, taking them from you and going to change out of his wet clothes in the bathroom. You quickly changed into your pajamas, enjoying the freedom of having dry clothes again. You went to the kitchen and got out two glasses of water and some pain reliever, knowing you and Tom might need it in the morning because you could still feel the alcohol pulsing through your system.

When you got back to your room, Tom was already in there. He was staring at the dresser, running a finger along it, before looking around the room. He let out a small sigh, rubbing over his heart a little bit.

“Tom?” You spoke up, stepping into the room and he hummed, looking over at you. “I just- you can stay here, if you’d like. If it’s too hard on you-“

“Why would it be too hard?” He asked, putting on his best front of a bright smile. He thought that maybe you couldn’t tell he was aching on the inside. You sat down on your bed.

“I know something happened between you and the girl that used to live here, and this room is bringing back some type of sad memories.”

“Look,” He sat beside you, taking your hands in his, “Her name was Vanessa, and I met her through Daisy. She-“ He paused, searching for the proper words, “She moved out unexpectedly, and it just happened so quickly.”

“Was she close with Daisy, too?” You asked. “If I’m overstepping-“

“No, you’re fine. It’s just hard to talk about, and there isn’t much to talk about. Vanessa was closer to me than she was with Daisy and Harrison.” He explained, and you processed his words for a moment, furrowing your eyebrows in thought.

“So you and Vanessa were-?” You trailed off, unsure  if you wanted to ask if they were somehow soulmates, in a relationship, just friends, or somewhere between all that. Hell, you didn’t even know what you’d consider your current status to be with Tom- were you acquaintances or friends?

“No, just friends.” Tom fiddled with his watch nervously, the watch he wore to cover his mark. He cleared his throat, “I’ll stay here with you, if that’s alright. I kind of have trouble sleeping, especially with the rain.”

“You must be incredibly sleep deprived then.” You laughed, shifting yourself up the bed so that you could climb under your covers. You patted the spot beside you as a way to tell him he could join you.

“You have no idea.” He got into the bed beside you and wrapped his arms around your waist. You’d never shared a bed with a boy in this context before. He was sweet and respectful, and he was really starting to grow on you. Snuggling into his chest, you fell asleep easily, enjoying the comfort of his embrace.

~~~

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( Not Another Fictional Characters Ask Meme! 😬 ) Fandom : Teen Wolf Numbers : I want to say all of them because I think that would be interesting , but if not , then 1 , 3 , 8 , 9 , 12 , 18 , 19 , 20 , & 27 ?

*runs hands together gleefully* HAHAAA. Fasten yo seatbelt, friend... 'cuz we're goin' for a RIDE.

1. Who I'd want to be best friends with: Lydia. Good gravy, the sheer amount of GEEKERY that would go down. We're both bookworms, language nerds, and walking encyclopedias (Ravenclaws, ftw). She's a math and science person, and I'm an arts and humanities person, so between the two of us, we'd have both hemispheres of the brain covered. We have similar, sarcastic senses of humor. Personality-wise, we're polar opposites, but I think we'd complement each other in all the right ways and make a rather formidable team. She's a social butterfly, so she'd push me out of my comfort zone; on the other hand, she's not particularly good at emotions (picking up on others' feelings, being sensitive to others' needs, etc.), which is one of my greatest strengths. Her confidence would counteract my social anxiety, and my empathy would temper her bluntness. She may be a banshee, but she struggles at times with her intuition and figuring out how her powers work; introverted intuition is my leading cognitive function, which, paired with extroverted feeling, makes me unusually adept at gleaning and interpreting subtleties, signs, and symbolism. She's a total badass as a banshee, don't get me wrong... but she'd be even better at it with someone like me by her side. (This is one of the reasons why I wish we'd seen more interaction between her and Deaton: he's the same personality type as me - INFJ - and his knowledge and guidance could have been really interesting and helpful.)

Anyway. I love Lydia Martin, and I want to be her bestie. Move over Allison.

3. Who I'd most want to be marooned on a desert island with: Stiles, hands down. I would never, ever get bored. Also, he's a phenomenal problem-solver, so if anyone has a chance of surviving on - and/or escaping from - a desert island, it's Stiles. He'd figure out how to feed, shelter, protect, and deliver us... and I'd keep him sane, lol.

8. Who would be my sworn rival/archenemy: Ugh... Kate. I loathe her. Not only is she just... vile... in general, but she bears an uncanny resemblance to my abusive sociopath of a younger sibling who made my life a living hell when we were teenagers (one of the ways in which I relate to Chris' character is his inner conflict between resenting Kate and feeling responsible for what she became) aaand served time for statutory rape (I HATE Kate for what she did to Derek). If that b*tch ever made the mistake of crossing my path in person, I'd take her down or die trying.

Go to hell, Kate... and, for the love of all things, STAY THERE THIS TIME.

9. Who would most likely be my frenemy: Maybe Jackson? If Lydia were my bff, that would put me in close proximity with Jackson on a regular basis, and I think we'd really get on each other's nerves. I'd be very critical of their relationship - and him in general - and I can only imagine how he'd feel about that, lol. He's such a douchebag...

...but, fortunately, he matures quite a bit.

12. Who rides all the scariest attractions at an amusement park/carnival: Malia and Allison. I don't know why. It just makes sense to me. *shrugs*

18. Who is most in need of a good ass-kicking: GERARD, that evil bastard. Thankfully, he does eventually get it (although, unfortunately for a lot of people, not until the series finale). It's the only thing Kate has ever done, probably in her whole life, that I don't disagree with, lol.

P.S. Chris calmly walking away from the Argent family armory - wherein Kate is loudly and viciously tearing Gerard to pieces, and then (hopefully... it's implied) dying herself - will forever be one of the most deliciously satisfying moments of the entire series for me.

19. Who is most in need of a hug and some TLC: Oh my goodness. There are so many on this show - SOOO MANY - but I think the characters who probably need this the most are Chris and Isaac, because we never really see them getting looked after and taken care of after terrible things happen to them? Like? The closest we get - for either of them - is a brief shot of Chris hugging Isaac after Allison's death and a few seconds of them talking before they fly off to France together (and then we neither see nor hear mention of Isaac ever again, wtf show), but we never see anyone comforting Chris after he loses his entire family, almost dies, and is left to deal with a lifetime of trauma all alone - or Isaac, after he is orphaned and left to unpack years of childhood abuse and cope with severe PTSD all alone - and that's really, REALLY messed up. My poor, traumatized babies deserve ALL the therapy, cuddles, and supportive friends the world has to offer. No more struggles... give them SNUGGLES.

20. Whose storyline I would rewrite: Hmm. Okay, so this isn't one I'd totally rewrite, per se, but rather... flesh out and develop in more depth and detail: Deaton. I feel like there was so much wasted potential with his character, especially during the whole emissary-darach storyline. I would have loved to see Deaton's past as emissary to Talia and the Hale pack explored more, as well as more of a relationship developed with Derek when he becomes the Hale alpha (and later inherits Talia's ability to transform into a wolf), etc. Wouldn't it have been interesting to see Derek going to Deaton for help/advice when he thinks he's losing his powers? So many possibilities. I might need to write some fic.

*chinhands* TELL ME MORE.

27. Who has the most interesting name: Stiles is perhaps the most obvious one, but names carry a lot of weight and meaning in general on this show, which makes my name-nerd spidey sense tingle. (Seriously... names - origin, etymology, meaning, historical significance, etc. - have been a special interest of mine since I was a kid, so names are something I tend to instinctively read into, especially when it comes to fictional characters. I've done thousands of hours of research, and I keep a running list of names I have researched in a massive Word Document - it originally dates from 2004, at which point I transcribed all the names I'd already had been recording in a notebook for years - so I know... Quite A Bit about names.)

Anyway. Stiles.

Condensed version: Mieczysław is a Polish name derived from the Slavic mechi ("sword") and slava ("glory, fame"). Interestingly, the meaning of the name isn't particularly significant to the character (unless you want to extrapolate in a loosely metaphorical way and substitute baseball bat for sword, which is certainly possible, and absolutely delightful), but the way the name is used - or NOT used - is extremely interesting. Stiles' real given name is not revealed until Season 6, and it is finally revealed as everyone has lost their memories of Stiles and are trying to remember him again. (BOOM, SON. SYMBOLISM.) Sheriff Stilinski explains in the big reveal that: a) he had wanted to name Stiles after his wife's old man because Mieczysław the Elder had been such a wonderful man and father, whilst he himself had unfortunately been saddled with a not-so-commendable dad; and b) the closest Stiles could get to pronouncing "Mieczysław" as a kid was "mischief", which he was - and is - very much the embodiment of. Magnificent.

Not Another Fictional Characters Ask Meme

LOST - Another Story

Rating: M

Word Count: 4.8k

A/N: Hello readers! I’m so sorry this installment took so long to write. I had a lot of things happen between the last chapter and now. I hope this makes up for it!

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All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues

I watch Jack as he turns to Hurley with a worried expression written all over his face. Jack stands up quickly, and looks over to me in a panic. I remove my pack and stride over to Hurley and Jack.

“He wasn't on the plane,” Hurley repeats, in a panic.

“Who wasn't on the plane?” Kate asks quickly, standing up with Jack.

“Ethan, the Canadian guy, he is not on the passenger manifest,” I say as calmly as I can. I figure calm is what people need right now.

“Well, where the hell is he?” Jack snaps at me and I hold my hands up defensively.

“I don't know,” Hurley says, ”Amelia and I saw him yesterday, but now…”

“Has anyone seen Ethan?!” Jack yells around in the caves, nobody speaks up.

“Sayid's leg,” Kate interjects, looking at Jack and then at me for support. I just shake my head,

“Has anyone seen Ethan?” Jack asks again, and Micheal comes running over.

“Yeah, yeah. He went to go get some wood. He took off on the path to the beach. Is he okay? What happened?” Micheal says.

“Where's Charlie?” Jack asks, man this guy likes asking questions.

“What?” Kate asks in response. I feel like I should have a shot every time someone asks a question.

“Where's Charlie?” Jack asks again and I can’t help but laugh to myself. Locke looks at me funnily as he walks over.

“He went after Claire,” Locke says.

Then, for some reason, I’m running with Locke and Jack through the jungle. We’re pushing branches away as we run, and I can feel myself getting small cuts on my arms and hands from running so fast. Damn I’ve been running a lot lately.

Suddenly Locke stops short and I run into him. I’m knocked to the ground and Locke helps me up as he shouts, “Jack!”

Locke and I creep closer to Claire’s bag which is just left on the jungle floor. Jack shows up behind me and says, “She was moving back to the beach. Claire. That's hers. What happened? What…”

“I don't know. Footprints. At least three distinct sets all over the place. It looks like there might have been a struggle,” Locke says.

“Ethan kidnapped Claire and Charlie. He’s really after Claire, but Charlie was just in the way,” I say as I catch my breath for the second time today. Locke looks around and then notices something.

“What? What is it?” Jack asks when Locke looks down at the ground.

“Drag marks. Here. And here,” Locke replies as he points to the jungle floor.

“Claire and Charlie,” I say, “I told you, they were together.”

“Claire!! Charlie! Claire!” Jack shouts

“Jack. Jack,” Locke calls and once Jack turns he puts his finger to his mouth, “Shhhh.”

Jack and I stand around helplessly as Locke wanders away. I know he must be following the tracks of Ethan, Charlie, and Claire but it’s still weird to feel like I’m doing nothing. I hear a noise and my head snaps over to a clearing between the branches. I see one of them is broken, and then I see Locke approaching. He motions us over and shows it to us.

“Tracks are still fresh,” Locke announces and Jack shakes his head.

“This doesn't make any sense. How can one man drag off two people, one of them pregnant?” Jack asks.

“You're asking the wrong question. Not how, why?” Locke replies.

“You think it was Ethan?” Jack suddenly turns to ask me.

“You forget, I know it was Ethan. The longer we wait the more danger both Charlie and Claire are in,” I say urgently, and with a bit of annoyance.

“But he was by himself. How?” Jack replies

“We can't account for all of our people,” Locke cuts in, “And, more importantly, who's to say they're even our people?”

“What?” Jack asks and I roll my eyes.

“Sayid said there were others,” Locke tells Jack.

“Sayid said we're not alone,” I clarify, feeling annoyed by this interaction. I was annoyed watching the show too, and being here makes it worse.

“Semantics,” Locke says to me.

“Sayid's injured. We're not even sure where he went. He's delirious,” Jack says, and I know he doesn’t believe there’s other people on this Island. Man of Science.

“I'm just telling you what the ground is telling me,” Locke replies. Man of Faith.

“So which way is the ground telling you that they went?” I snap, already tired of the two men measuring.

“Amelia, we don't know what's going on here,” Locke says to me.

I huff, “How do neither of you believe me?? I know what is fucking happening and you two are squabbling like a married couple!”

“We need to prepare,” Locke says slowly to me, “We could be back at the caves in 10 minutes, organize a search party, get wea-“

“Which way did they go, Locke?” I ask with my arms crossed over my chest. Locke points the way with his knife. Suddenly Jack takes off running in the direction he points to. I call for Jack but I know it’s pointless. Locke and I decide to return to the caves.

Locke and I arrive at the caves, him looking just fine and me a sweaty mess. Kate intercepts us as Locke is putting his knife case away. Kate has a towel slung over her shoulder, and her hair is wet. Anyone can deduce what she is doing at the caves.

“You let him go alone?” Kate asks as she slings her gray backpack over the same shoulder the towel is on.

“Don't worry. I'll catch up. What's the word from the beach?” Locke asks and I’m guessing he means about Ethan.

“Nothing. Nobody has seen him,” Kate replies. I sigh. It seems the Man of Faith isn’t very faithful in me.

Locke gives Kate a knife, “I'm coming with you,” she says.

“I figured you might,” Locke replies, gesturing to the knife.

Suddenly I hear Shannon’s voice, and I look over to see Boone walking toward Locke, Kate, and I. “What are you doing? We need to get our water and get back to the beach…” Shannon says but trails off when Boone reaches us.

“I heard you're forming a search party,” Boone says to Locke, “Can I help?” He looks at me hopefully as he asks and I look away towards Shannon who is now with us.

“This is a deserted Island. There's no choppers, no Amber Alerts. How exactly are you going to find them?” She asks Locke in particular.

“By following Ethan's trail,” Locke explains in a matter-of-fact way, “No one can walk through the wilderness without leaving signs, bending blades of grass, breaking twigs, especially with captives in tow. And yes, I could use another hand if you're up for it.”

“I'm up for it,” Boone says, and he smiles at me.

Locke hands him a knife, “Then let's get moving.”

“I could take Vincent,” I hear Walt’s voice say, “and he could sniff something that belonged to Charlie. And I can help.”

“I said no, man,” Micheal replies and then turns to Locke. We all stop, “Hey, Locke. Hey, look, you know, a lot of us don't just want to sit here waiting for news.”

“Thanks, but we're set. Anyone else will just slow us down,” Locke says kindly not-so kindly.

“Okay. Maybe I'll just put together another party,” Micheal suggests slowly.

“Good idea,” Locke replies, “We're going north. I suggest you go south.”

Walt looks up at his dad while Michael looks embarrassed. He then looks down at Walt, “Come on,” he says.

After a long time of walking, our party finally finds Jack in the grassy clearing where he was running around in circles.

“Jack. Jack. It's a good thing you were going in a circle. Not much of a search grid, but we never would have found you otherwise,” Locke says a little dismissively. Man Locke is kind of an underhanded jerk.

“Did you find anything?” Kate asks Jack and Jack turns to her.

“No,” he answers simply.

“Doesn’t anyone remember I know what’s going on?” I ask into the void, and I get no response. I should’ve just stayed at the caves and listened to Micheals bitching.

“You should go back to the caves,” Locke says to Jack, “Sayid's leg,”

“I dressed Sayid's leg. You found me, we can find Charlie and Claire. Now, do we have a trail to follow or not?” Jack spits ar Locke.

“Jack, this was my fault.”

“What?”

“I hunted with Ethan. I spent time with him. I never sensed anything -- off. But for everything that I know about hunting, tracking -- whoever he is, he knows more. If we catch up with him, I don't want anything to happen to the only trained physician on the Island. So go back, be the doctor. Let me be the hunter.”

“Can we go now?” Jack asks and I can tell he’s tired of the bullshit. I am too.

“Follow me,” Locke replies.

After a while of walking, trail-following, and sweating we finally take a break in another overgrown area of the jungle. Locke takes out a red shirt, and begins ripping fabric with his teeth.

“We mark our progress by line of sight. We tie these off so we don't get lost,” Locke says to Boone and I.

“You can lead us back to camp, right?” Boone asks worriedly, looking to me for comfort. I don’t give any.

“If nothing happens to me,” Locke replies with a shadow of a smile.

“Maybe I better take marker detail,” Boone suggests. Locke smiles a bit more and Jack and Kate run up.

“Anything?” Jack asks.

“Not yet,” Locke replies.

“If you can't find the trail…” Jack says menacingly

“He’ll pick it up again, alright? We need to rest for a minute to get our clarity back,” I tell Jack, trying to save Locke from the heat.

“You're going to take a break?” Jack asks Locke angrily, well that didn’t work, “It's got to be almost 4 o'clock. When the sun sets there's no way…”

“It's 4:25. And, yes, I'm taking a break,” Locke replies, jumping in before I can and giving me a stern look.

“Can I talk to you for a sec?” Kate asks Jack and they walk away out of ear shot. I sigh and sit down on the ground next to the tree.

“What’s the matter with him?” Boone asks me as he sits down next to me, jerking his chin in the direction of Jack and Kate.

“Jack is feeling guilty he didn’t believe Claire,” I reply slowly. I watch as Locke gets up out of the corner of my eye.

“He’s got a bit of a savior complex doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, he really does.”

Then I hear Locke yelling, “Jack!” So then Jack, Kate, Boone and I rush over to where Locke is kneeling on the ground holding something.

“What is it?” Kate asks once we arrive at Locke.

“Look familiar?” Locke says and we all look down to see Charlie’s finger “L”.

“It's Charlie's,” Jack says obviously.

“You think it just came off?” Boone asks Locke, looking for me to back up his statement. I just shake my head,

“No. He's leaving us a trail,” Jack tells Boone and Locke nods.

So we decide to keep moving, looking around for another one of Charlie’s finger wrappings. I’m really starting to get bored of this, and I’m regretting coming on this search mission. Neither Jack nor Locke are paying attention to any of the information I have. I would’ve thought they’d believe me and listen to me on this, but I was sorely mistaken. We stay silent as we walk, but once we get into a really jungley area Jack looks around and finally speaks up.

“They went this way,” Jack says, pointing in one direction.

“I'm not so sure. There's another trail here,” Locke replies, gesturing to another direction.

“What do you mean, another?” Jack asks angrily.

“These are footprints. People moved off this way,” Locke replies calmly and I can’t help but roll my eyes.

“Charlie's leaving these for us to follow,” Jack says gesturing to the finger tapes, “They went that way.”

“Unless Charlie isn't the one leaving them,” I speak up, stealing Kate’s line and not even looking at her. “If Ethan knows that we're behind him, he could be setting up a dummy trail. Take off in one direction, double-back his own footprints.”

“Wait? Now you're a tracker?” Boone asks me incredulously, and with a bit of awe.

“You're just full of surprises,” Locke says to me with a hint of sarcasm.

“So, we've got two trails. Let's split up, I'll take that one,” Jack says as he points to the trail he was first talking about.

“No. We should stay together, Jack,” Locke says.

“Why? We've got two trails, and, apparently, two trackers,” Jack replies, looking at me.

“Actually, no thanks. I’m sick of being on this mission. You two haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, only when it’s benefited you,” I snap at Jack. I turn on my heel and march away from the group. I hear Boone calling for me half heartedly, but I know he doesn’t really mean it. I walk quickly to where the caves are and hope I don’t get lost.

I’m extremely sweaty before I hear any sound that I recognize. I push my damp hair away from my forehead, and smile when I hear a familiar voice. I turn a corner and I see Sawyer and Walt talking.

“Took them why? And who the hell is Ethan?” Sawyer says, knelt down on the ground looking up at Walt.

“I don't know-” Walt begins to say, but I cut him off.

“He wasn't on the manifest,” I say with a smile as Sawyee rises from the ground and gives me a roguish smile.

“Hey blue eyes, long time no see,” He says before turning back to Walt, “Ever think he might have lied about his name?”

“It's stupid to lie about your name,” Walt says and I can’t help but stifle a laughter at the look on Sawyer’s face.

“Alrighty, Tattoo, where do you think Ethan came from?” Sawyer asks Walt while he looks warningly at me.

“Maybe he was already on the Island, before we were,” Walt suggests and Sawyer looks past him once again to raise an eyebrow at me. I just shrug.

“You got yourself one hell of an imagination, kid,” Sawyer says dismissively, eyeing me with a look that says ‘we’ll talk.’

“There could be lots of other people on the Island,” Walt suggests again and Sawyer just laughs. He swings his pack over his shoulder and stands up again.

“So a tribe of evil natives planted a ringer in the camp to kidnap a pregnant girl and a reject from VH-1 has-beens? Yeah, fiendishly clever. And why am I getting the evening news from a 6 year old?” Sawyer asks sarcastically and I can’t help but smile again at how accurate his statement is. Sawyer doesn’t look at me this time.

“I'm 10,” Walt replies

“Okay, then it must be true,” Sawyer says, keeping the sarcastic tone in his voice clear.

“If you don't believe me, ask Sayid. He said we're not alone,” Walt says stoically and Sawyer’s face drops.

“Sayid's back?” Sawyer asks, and Walt looks triumphant and walks away leaving Sawyer bewildered and me looking smug. I cross my arms and hover a hand over my mouth to conceal a smile. Sawyer turns slowly to me.

“So how much of that is accurate, Zoltar?” Sawyer asks me and I lower my hand.

“Just about all of it,” I reply with no joking tone.

“Thought so,” Sawyer says darkly and I stand there awkwardly with my hands hanging at my sides.

Sawyer speaks up again, “I thought you were on that little rescue mission? What happened with that, Meteo get too handsy?”

“No, Jack and Locke weren’t listening to me when I had valuable information. Then I guess Jack only really noticed I was there when I backed him up, the jackass,” I say angrily as I cross my arms.

“Seems you an’ me are in the same boat now,” Sawyer says smugly.

I can’t help but smile and shake my head fondly, “James, we were always in the same boat.”

“Well, Amelia, maybe now you can stop rowing and appreciate the water,” Sawyer flirts as he raises his arms a little and I just laugh at him.

“Let’s go to the caves Sawyer,” I say as I walk up to him. I slip my arm around his lower back and he does the same to me around my shoulders. We walk like that in silence until we get to the caves.

Sawyer breaks away from me and approaches Sayid as he’s sleeping. I follow not far behind, making sure Sawyer isn’t going to do anything drastic. I rest a tentative hand on Sawyer’s shoulder as Sayid wakes up.

“Well, well, well. I don't know if you Islams got a concept of karma, but I get the sense this Island just served you up a heaping platter of cosmic payback,” Sawyer says smugly to Sayid and I roll my eyes at him.

“What do you want?” Sayid asks.

“Doesn’t mayer why I’m here,” Sawyer snaps and grabs a straight-edge from the "table.” I realize I need to take antibiotics for my arm and I rush over to Jack’s supplies to do it. “You know, a less magnanimous man than I might just be thinking he could beat the ever-living-snot out of you right now without fear of reprisal.”

“You want to take a shot? Take it. But know that I left this camp out of shame for what I did to you and Amelia. It was never my intention to return,” Sayid replies, and I can only just make out what he’s saying. Oh god I forgot about this part, and now I’m added to it. I swallow the meds quickly and rush back over.

“Sorry, fresh out of sweet forgiveness,” Sawyer replies and looks at me when I arrive at his side again, ”If it wasn't your intention to return, then why did you?”

“I was taken prisoner by the French woman,” Sayid says and darts his eyes from Saywer’s to mine.

“The one who's been sending out a distress signal for 16 years? She's alive?” Sawyer asks, glancing at me for confirmation.

“She was on a science expedition,” I say flatly, “Their ship was wrecked.” Sayid nods in confirmation and I realize he is on my side.

“She alone?” Sawyer asks Sayid again.

“She said that there are others on this Island,” Sayid answers this time.

“Her people?” The tone in Sawyer's voice as he asks the questions have become increasingly worried. Like he didn’t fully believe me when I told him who I was.

“She believed they had all gotten sick. She murdered her entire team,” I murmur and once again Sayid nods in confirmation.

“Righttt,” Sawyer drawls, “And these others, who the hell are they?”

“I don't know. She's never seen them,” Sayid replies.

“Oh, she's never seen them, but she knows they're there,” Sawyer says sarcastically and I rest my hand on him again.

“Sawyer, you don’t know what she’s been through,” I say calmly.

“And you do!?!” Sawyer asks me incredulously and a tad angrily.

“Yes I do actually! You people always seem to forget, I know everything! You have no fucking clue how hard it is to have that kind of knowledge and not be able to do anything about it!” I’m yelling by the end of my words, and the caves have gone scarily silent. I look around at everyone, and everyone looks back at me like they’re terrified. I feel tears prick at my eyes and I stride out of the caves and sit on a log near the entrance. I can still hear Sawyer and Sayid’s conversation.

“I believe her,” Sayid says, and I can’t tell if he’s talking about me or Rousseau, “If you believe her.”

“Why should I trust some kid?” Sawyer snaps at Sayid, ouch that one hurt.

“By the way you two were acting, I would have thought…” Sayid offers, but trails off before finishing his thought. Sawyer pauses for a long time, and I wonder if he’s walking out.

“Doesn’t matter what I think or the way I’ve been actin,” Sawyer replies angrily, “What about that french chick, do you believe what she says?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But on my way back I heard something in the jungle surrounding me,” Sayid replies.

“Something like what?” Sawyer asks with malice full in his voice.

“Have you got something to say to me, Sawyer, or are you going to continue asking me questions you know I don't have the answers to?” Sayid asks Sawyer in return, but then I hear the crunching of feet and I know Sawyer is leaving.

“Tide's coming up the beach. Plane hull's almost in the water. Kept your signal fire burning,” Sawyer says simply, and then turns the corner to see me sitting on a log with tear tracks on my cheeks.

“Um, hey Sawyer..” I mumble and look down to my feet.

“Y’know, I’ve never met a girl like you before blue eyes,” Sawyer says calmly and I look up to see him admiring me, “You’ve got me stumped.” Then he walks away, so I scramble to follow him.

“Sawyer?” I call, but he just keeps walking, so I continue following, “Sawyer please come back, what did you mean?”

Sawyer finally stops and turns to me, “I can’t seem to figure out what you’re born to do.”

That stuns me, and I open and close my mouth like an idiot trying to comprehend what he just said. He speaks regardless, “You’re not like Kate, she’s born to run. I’m born to con. Doc is born to fix. But what are you born to do?”

“James I don’t understand, I’m not born to do anything. I don’t even know why I’m here, I don’t even know if I’m important-” Sawyer interrupts me.

“Of course you’re important-” I interrupt him back.

“That’s not what I meant, there’s something bigger going on here, bigger than what’s going on in the Island. You know I know what’s going to happen, and I’ve been trying to figure out why the hell I’m even here,” I finish speaking and I realize I’ve been speaking all in the same breath. I look down at my hands and realize they’re shaking, “Nothing seems to be different, so I must not last here..”

Then Sawyer does something I never thought Season One Sawyer would do, he hugs me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me tight to his chest. I feel myself trembling in his arms, so he tucks my head under his chin. We stand there like that for a while, I don’t even know for how long. When he does finally release me, I realize I’ve been crying. He looks down at me and takes my hand.

“Let’s go back to the beach, alright?” Sawyer tells me.

“Alright..” I reply in the smallest voice I’ve ever made.

We make it back to the beach, and to my disappointment Sawyer drops my hand. I guess he doesn’t want us to be seen, it’s not like we’re together anyways. We walk back to our tents, and Sawyer pushes me on the small of my back to his tent. We sit down and Sawyer searches my face.

“Where’d you go anyways?” Sawyer asks me finally.

“The caves, obviously, Claire and Charlie were taken by Ethan and so I went on the search party to find them,” I reply and then sigh deeply, “To be honest I feel sort of guilty I left. I know it’s going to turn out fine but I know things that would’ve helped.”

“But the Doc and Mr. Clean weren’t listenin to you anyways, so what’s the point I say,” Sawyer replies as he leans back in his chair.

“I suppose. It’s just like I said, it feels like I have to be involved in anything and everything to shake off the guilty conscience I have for just knowing things,” I say back and look past Sawyer and out into the ocean. The sun is beginning to set and I know it’s going to rain soon.

“Well I say that if the Doc doesn’t want you around, the he doesn’t get to have you,” Sawyer replies almost possessively and I have to repress a smile at the tone of his voice.

“Yeah I guess you’re right,” I say and then the sky opens up and the rain starts to come down. At this time I know Locke and Boone have been following the wrong trail, and Kate and Jack have been following the right one. I know that Jack is going to run and slip off a hill when he thinks he hears Claire scream. I know that at the bottom of the hill, Jack will find Ethan. Ethan is going to warn Jack to stop following him, or he’ll kill one of them. Jack decides to fight back, so Ethan knocks him out.

“Blue eyes, blue eyes, hey?” Sawyer says and I look over to him quickly. He sounds like he was trying to get my attention for a while. “You okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine, just thinking about what’s happening in the jungle with the rain,” I say, still lost in thought. A few minutes later the rain stops. I know that Kate is going to find Jack awake and they’re going to start running. Then.. shit!

“Shit!” I yell, and I scramble to my feet, “Ah shit shit I gotta get into the jungle to help I-”

“Whoa whoa blue eyes slow down, help who?” Sawyer asks, grabbing my arm to make sure I don’t run off.

“Jack and Kate are going to find Charlie hanging from and tree and Jack is going to tru to revive him but it’s not working and Kate tries to tell him to stop but Jack doesn’t because he has fo fix everything and eventually Charlie regains consciousness but what if it doesn’t work because I’m here I have to help!” I say quickly and in all one breath. I’m panting by the end of my words and Sawyer is looking at me worriedly.

“Amelia you’ll never find them out there, they could be anywhere,” Sawyer replies trying to calm me down.

“James I have to try-!” I say and I try and yank out of Sawyer’s grasp. It doesnt work and I end up falling in the sand. Thankfully it wasn’t my hurt arm Sawyer grabbed, but I landed on my hurt one anyway. I groan in pain, and mentally smack myself for my foolishness.

Sawyer helps me up slowly and I check my arm to see if I’m bleeding. Thankfully I’m not, so I look back up at Sawyer. He starts to speak, “I think I’ve figured it out.”

“Figured what out?” I ask, wincing as I rub my arm.

“You’re born to make amends,” Sawyer replies simply and I can’t help but laugh at him. Yet I realize he’s being completely serious.

“What do you mean, you’re not serious James?” I reply with a bit of a joking tone.

“Ever since you got here you’ve been trying to help. You talk about guilt, and I can see it clear as day on your face most times. You’re trying to make up for something, what is it?”

“I- I don’t know,” I say as I turn away from Sawyer, “Can you take me back to the caves?”

“It’s going to be dark soon, it’s not safe,” Sawyer tells me.

“Since when did you ever care about safety?” I ask incredulously, whipping back around to face him.

“Since you started actin all crazy, just like this! You can go in the morning, for now just stay put,” Sawyer snaps back at me and then sits down in his chair and picks up a book.

I realize he’s right, the more time goes on the more irrationally I’m acting. I’m going to get myself killed and then it won’t matter if I’m important or not. There’s a long road ahead, and if I want to survive I have to use my knowledge and not let it get to me. I take one last look at Sawyer, who hasn’t looked back up at me, and then make my way back to my tent. I lay on my back, listening to the waves, and slowly fall asleep to awful images of Claire and Charlie dead.

LOST

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2020 Gameological Awards

Over on the Gameological Discord, we have an annual tradition of writing up our games of the year not as a ranked list but rather as answers to a series of prompts. Here are my personal choices for the year that was 2020.

Favorite Game of the Year

I didn’t know what to expect when I walked into Paradise Killer. I knew that I liked the vaporwave resort aesthetic from the game’s trailer and figured I was in for a Danganronpa-style murder mystery visual novel with an open-ended murder mystery at its core. Those assumptions were… half-right? The game definitely plays out like the exploration bits of Danganronpa set on the island from Myst but with far simpler puzzles. What I didn’t expect was to fall so deeply in love with the environment—its nooks and crannies, its millennia of lore, its brutalist overlap of idol worship, consumerism, and mass slaughter. It makes sense that the world of Paradise Killer is its strongest feature, since the cast of NPCs don’t really move around, leaving you alone with the world for the overwhelming majority of your experience as you bounce back and forth between digging around for clues and interrogating potential witnesses. And despite what the promo materials indicated, there IS a definitive solution to the crimes you’re brought in to investigate, the game just lets you make judgment based on whatever evidence you have at the time you’re ready to call it a day, so if you’re missing crucial evidence you might just make a compelling enough case for the wrong person and condemn them to eternal nonexistence. Am I happy with the truth at the end of the day? No, and neither is anybody else I’ve spoken to who completed the game, but we all were also completely enthralled the entire time and our dissatisfaction has less to do with the game and more to do with the ugly reality of humanity. I’ve always been of the mindset that “spoilers” are absolute garbage and that a story should be just as good whether you know the twist or not and any story that relies on surprising the audience with an unexpected reveal is not actually that good a story, but Paradise Killer is a game about piecing together your own version of events so I feel that it’s vital to the gameplay experience that people go in knowing as little as possible and gush all about it afterwards. Just trust me, if the game looks even remotely intriguing to you, go for it. I’ve had just as much fun talking about the game after I finished it with friends just getting started as I did actually solving its mysteries myself.

Best Single Player Game

I honestly missed out on the buzz for In Other Waters at launch, so I’m happy I had friends online talking it up as Black Friday sales were coming along. The minimal aesthetic of his underwater exploration game allows the focus to shift more naturally to the game’s stellar writing as a lone scientist goes off in search of her mentor and the secrets they were hiding on an alien world. It only took a few hours for me to become completely absorbed in this narrative and keep pushing forward into increasingly dangerous waters. In Other Waters might just be the best sci-fi story I experienced all year and I’d highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys sci-fi novels, regardless of their experience with video games.

Best Multiplayer Game

Look, we all know this year sucked. 2020 will absolutely be chronicled in history books as a fascinating and deeply depressing time in modern history where we all stayed inside by ourselves and missed our friends and family. It was lonely and it was bleak. Which is why it made my heart glow so much more warmly every time I got a letter from an honest-to-goodness real-life friend in Animal Crossing New Horizons. Knowing that they were playing the same game I was and hearing about their experiences and sending each other wacky hats or furniture, it lightened the days and made us feel that little bit more connected. Sure, when the game first launched we would actually take the time to visit one another’s islands, hang out, chat in real-time, and exchange gifts, but we all eventually got busy with Zoom calls, sourdough starters, and watching Birds of Prey twenty-two times. Still, sending letters was enough. It was and still is a touching little way to show that we’re here for one another, if not at the exact same time.

Favorite Ongoing Game

Zach Gage is one of my favorite game designers right now, and when I heard he was releasing a game called Good Sudoku I was sold sight unseen. The game as released was… fine. It’s sudoku and it’s pleasant, but it was also buggy and overheated my phone in a way I hadn’t seen since Ridiculous Fishing (also by Zach Gage) seven years ago. Thankfully, the most glaring bugs have been fixed and I can now enjoy popping in every day for some quick logic puzzle goodness. Daily ranked leaderboards keep me coming back again and again, the steady ramp of difficulty in the arcade and eternal modes means I can always chase the next dopamine rush of solving increasingly complex puzzles. It’s not a traditional “ongoing” game the way, say, Fortnite and Destiny are, but I’m happy to come back every day for sudoku goodness.

Didn't Click For Me

With Fortnite progressively losing me over the course of 2020, finalizing with my wholesale “never again” stance after Epic boss Tim Sweeney compared Fortnite demanding more money from Apple to the American Civil Rights movement (no, absolutely not), I dipped my toe into a number of new “battle pass”-style online arena types of games, and while Genshin Impact eventually got its hooks into me, Spellbreak absolutely did not. With graphics straight out of The Dragon Prince and the promise of a wide variety of magic combat skills to make your character your own, the game seemed awfully tempting, but my first few experiences were aimless and joyless, with no moment of clarity to make me understand why I should keep coming back. Maybe they’ll finesse the game some more in 2021, or a bunch of my friends will get hooked and lure me back, but for now I am a-okay deleting this waste of space on my Switch and PC.

"Oh Yeah, I Did Play That Didn't I?"

I remember being really excited for Murder By Numbers. Ace Attorney-style crime scene investigation visual novel with Picross puzzles for the evidence, art by the creators of Hatoful Boyfriend, and music by the composer of Ace Attorney itself?! Sounds like a dream come true. But the pixel-hunt nature of the crime scene investigations was more frustrating than fun, the picross puzzles were not particularly great, and the game came out literally a week before the entire world went into lockdown which makes it feel more like seven years ago than just earlier this year. I remember being marginally charmed by the game once it was in my hands, but as soon as my mind shifted to long-term self care, Murder By Numbers went from hot topic to cold case.

Most Unexpected Joy

I was looking forward to Fuser all year. As a dyed-in-the-wool DropMix stan, the prospect of a spiritual sequel to DropMix on all major digital platforms without any of the analogue components was tremendously exciting, and I knew I’d have a lot of fun making mixes by myself and posting them online for the world to hear. What I didn’t expect, however, was the online co-op mode to be such a blast! Up to four players take turns making 32 bars of mashups, starting with whatever the player before handed them and adding their own fingerprints on top. It sounds like it should just be a mess of cacophony, but every session I’ve played so far has been just the best dance party I’ve had all year, and everyone not currently in control of the decks (including an audience of spectators) can make special requests for what the DJ should spin and tap along with the beat to great super-sized emoji to show how much they’re enjoying the mix. Literally the only times my Apple Watch has ever warned me of my heightened heart rate have been the times I was positively bouncing in place rocking out to co-op freestyle play in Fuser.

Best Music

Only one video game this year had tunes that were so bumpable they were upgraded to my general “2020 jams” playlist alongside Jeff Rosenstock, Run the Jewels, and Phoebe Bridgers, and that game was Paradise Killer. 70% lo-fi chill beats to study/interrogate demons to, 20% gothic atmospheric bangers, 10% high-energy pop jazz, this soundtrack was just an absolute joy to swim around in both in and out of gameplay.

Favorite Game Encounter

It’s wild that in a landscape where games let me live out my wildest fantasies, the single moment that lit me up in a way that stood out to me more than any other was serving Neil the right drink in Coffee Talk. Over the course of the game, you serve a variety of hot drinks to humans, werewolves, vampires, orcs, and more, all while chatting with your customers and learning more about their lives and relationships. The most mysterious customer, though, is an alien life form who adopts the name Neil. They do not know what they want to drink and claim it doesn’t make a difference because they cannot taste it. Everybody else wants *something*. Neil is just ordering for the sake of fitting in and exploring the Earth experience. It’s only in the second playthrough that attentive baristas will figure out what to serve Neil, unlocking the “true” ending in the process. Seeing the typically stoic Neil actually emote when they tasted their special order drink? What an absolute treat that was.

Best Free DLC of the Year

It’s still only a couple of days old at the time I’m writing this, but Marvel’s Avengers just added Kate Bishop, aka Hawkeye, and THANK GOODNESS. Almost every character in the game at launch just smashed the endless waves of robot baddies with their fists and that looks exhausting and uncomfortable. Hawkeye (the game calls her Kate Bishop, but come on, she’s been Hawkeye in the comics for over 14 years, let’s show her some respect) uses A SWORD. FINALLY! Aside from that, I’m just having a blast shooting arrows all over the place. She and Ms Marvel are the most likable characters in the game so far, so I hope they keep adding more of the Young Avengers and Champions to the game, and if the recently announced slate of Marvel movies and tv shows are any indication (with America Chavez, Cassie Lang, and Riri Williams all coming soon to the MCU), that seems to be what Marvel is pushing for across all media

Most Accessible Game

Nintendo is, first and foremost, a toy company. They got their start in toys and cards long before video games was a thing, and they still do more tests to ensure their video game hardware is childproof than anybody else in the industry (remember how they made Switch cartridges “taste bad” so kids wouldn’t eat them?). This year, Nintendo got to rekindle some of their throwback, simplistic, toys-and-cards energy with Clubhouse Games: 51 Worldwide Classics, a Switch collection of timeless family-friendly games like Chess, Mancala, and Backgammon, along with “toy” versions of sports like baseball, boxing, and tennis for a virtual parlor room of pleasant time-wasters. The games were all presented with charming li’l explainers from anthropomorphic board game figurines, and the ability to play quick sessions of Spider Solitaire on the touch screen while I binged The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix made Clubhouse Games one of my most-played titles of the year. Plus, local play during socially-distant friend hangs was an excellent way to make us feel like we were much closer than we were physically allowed to be as friends knocked each other’s block off in the “toy boxing” version of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

"Waiting for Game-dot"

I get that everyone loves Disco Elysium. I saw it on everyone’s year-end lists last year. I finally bought it with an Epic Games Store coupon this year. This year was a long enough slog of depressing post-apocalyptic drudgery, I didn’t want to explore a whole nother one in my leisure time. I’ll get to it… someday.

Game That Made Me Think

Holovista was an iPhone game I played over the course of two or three days based on the recommendation of some trusted colleagues on Twitter and oh my goodness was I glad that I played it. What starts as a chill vaporwave photography game steadily progresses into an exploration of psychological trauma, relationships with friends and family, and the baggage we carry with us from our pasts. In this exceptionally hard year, I badly needed this story about spending time alone with your personal demons and finding your way back to the people who love and support you. Just like with Journey and Gone Home, I walked away from Holovista feeling a rekindled appreciation for the people in my life.

Broke you

Word count: 2525

Pairing: John B x Reader  

Warnings: Talk of Cheating. 

Author’s note: There will probably be a part two coming. 

I think that if you really care about someone, you truly wants what is best for them, you smile when they laugh, celebrate their wins and suffer together though their losses. You adore the moments that you share and give them space to be free but wanting what is best for another person is accepting that your paths are no longer intertwined. It’s not to say the moments you had aren’t real, but rather coming to terms with the inevitable truth that sometimes showing someone how much you love them means letting them go.

-the better man project

 4 years prior

 “I love you” you whispered as you kissed him for one last time then wiping the tears from his eyes. “Y/n I’ll be here waiting until you get back.” You smile hoping that he’s being honest, but you could never ask him to do that “please don’t, you deserve to find someone” you spoke slowly breaking your own heart. You knew that you could never find anyone that could compare to John B. No one could ever have a space in your heart as big as he did but you both knew you had to do this. It was the last thing you promised your mom before she passed, and John understood that better than anyone. She knew that you’d have to leave the island that you called home for as long as you had known eventually. To kook it up pogue style one day

“I love you more” was the last words that he spoke to you.

 Present

The ferry whistled as the salt breeze welcomed you back home one last time. You exited the ferry and walked back to your childhood home a few blocks away. You smiled at everything that had changed since you left. The cut still the same old cut. As you approached the small shack you called home memories began flooding you.

“Hey that’s private property get out of there” a deep voice yelled from the road. You quickly turn around to identify who’s voice it is. “Y/n is that you?” You squinted to get a better look “Pope?” You chuckle and drop your bags and run to your once friend. How he’s aged since the last time you spoke.  “How long have you been back?” He asked after a long overdue hug. “I just got in actually” you replied. “The gang is going to flip that you’re back” he laughed “don’t tell them just yet I want to make it a surprise” he nodded in understanding. “We’re going to John B’s later for a little get together If you want to stop by” you bit your lip and nodded. “See you later Pope” you wave and pick up your bags and head into the small home. You look around taking in everything from your past. Things haven’t changed since you left. It was a lot cleaner than you expected since JJ was living here after you moved. You figured that beer bottles would litter every surface. You slowly make your way to the old bedroom that you spent so many hours inhabiting as a child. You drop your bags on the bed and pause taking in everything slowly.

 You made you way slowly to the chateau to greet your friends. People sprinkled the yard with solo cups enjoying the presence of each other. You made walked into the house slowly realizing that nothing has changed since you left. A small smile appears on your face remembering the memories that were made in the house. Your fingers traced the surfaces as you walked by. You made your way to the kitchen to get a drink “ope sorry” you muttered as you accident bump into someone. Blonde locks turn quickly before you realize it was Sarah Cameron “oh no you are totally fine” she smiled back. You grab a cup if whatever punch was made and head back outside to find your friends. What is a kook doing at the cut? The chateau of all places?

You spot kie first from the hammocks swinging. Another smile appeared on your face as you walked towards the girl. “Kie?” You say quietly. She looked back to try and identify the new voice. The second that she realized it was you she screamed your name and embraced you in a hug. You were glad to be back home. “How was California? Everything that you imagined?” She asked referencing meeting your dad for the first time and getting to know him. “Eh it was okay” You smiled knowing that you had the time of your life experiencing the west coast for the first time You asked her how school went and if she had landed a job. She shrugged saying that she was still working on her master’s in environmental conservation.

“Have you seen the others?” You asked looking around for the two that you have yet to see. “JJ and John B are around the fire I think” She pointed to the furthest part of the yard where the two boys stood. You said your goodbyes and walked towards the boys. You wrapped your hands around the blonde boys’ eyes “Who is it” You giggled. His hands moved to yours and moved them away and then turning to greet you. “Y/N? God damn” He laughed and then picked you up and spun you around and gently placing you back on the ground. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you” he stated, and you nodded. He was the brother that you never had. “I went home, and you weren’t there” You asked wanting to know what he was up to these days. “Yeah sorry I’ve had to work open to close today” He shot John B a look, but he didn’t notice. He was in his own world talking with another group of people.

“Does he know that you are back?” He asked concerned looking between the pair. “No not yet” You shook your head no. This was it, now or never. “Hello Everyone, can we get your attention” Sarah Camron yelled from the stairs of the Chateau. John B was now to her side. “You guys are all probably wondering why we called you here today” She giggled. You felt your stomach start to churn uncomfortably. “We would like to announce that at the end of the summer I will be Mrs. Routledge” She exclaimed and smiled everyone around you started cheering as the couple kissed. You started clapping to fit in to the crowd. JJ looked over at you to make sure that you were okay. He bumped his shoulder to yours letting you know that he was here for you.  After the announcement you decided that it was best for you to leave and pretend that you weren’t here. You slowly walked out of the chateau for the last time and walked back home.

 “So where do you work now?” You asked JJ as he was kitchen making something for dinner. “Bird’s fishing and tackle over off of Leer road” You nodded. “Is it new? I don’t think that I’ve heard of it. “Yeah Kinda sorta, it’s been there a few years ago. It replaced Old Man James when he retired” It finally clicked where it was located. “That’s pretty cool! Do you like it?”   “Yeah it’s pretty great” he smiled thing about their new adventure.

 “Hey pope what are you doing here?” You asked as you walked into bird’s fishing and tackle. “I run the store here” you accept the answer and look around at the small store. It hasn’t changed much since the new owners had taken over. “Is JJ here?” It’s been a month since you’ve been back and you’ve been able to avoid the two love birds luckily. Not that you were mad that he didn’t wait for you, how could you ask someone to wait for you? Especially when one year turned into four? “Yeah he should be coming in soon you can hang out at then dock out back if you want” you nodded and thanked him as you made you way out back.

You saw the HMS pogue docked and you smiled remembering the summer nights on the water.

“We’re closed some back tomorrow” a deep voice called. You stiffened as you realized who’s voice it was. “Okay thanks anyway” you attempted to abort mission and wait until JJ returned home. “Y/n? Is that you?” The brown-haired boy asked jumping off the boat and walking over to you. “John b? What are you doing here?” You asked trying to play it off like you didn’t see him when you walked out here. “This is my shop?” He laughed and walked closer. “You own bird’s?” He nods yes “That makes sense why Pope and JJ work here then” you laugh. “When did you get back in town?” He asked running a hand though his hair. I could tell he was just as uncomfortable as I was. “Uhm I think it was last month or so?” You stumbled across your words. “A  month? You’ve been in town for a month and you didn’t stop by to say anything? To see me? To catch up?” Frustration building in his voice. “I stopped by the night you announced your engagement actually.. congratulations by the way” You rock back and forth on your heels. “I would have saw you? Everyone would have saw you if you stopped by?” He questioned. “Yup I saw seen everyone and I’ve been staying at home” you were silently thanking everyone for not telling him you were back. “Uh were about to close up would you want to grab a smoothie heor something?” He griped the back of his neck nervously. He was a lot older than the last time I saw him. 21 doing him Justice. “Rain check maybe?”  you asked and he shrugged. “It’s good to see you y/n” you too you muttered back and walk back into the tackle shack and back home.

 You got home and switched on the TV for some kind of noise to down out the noise going on inside of your head. You could handle him being happy when you didn’t have to see him. “Tropical Kate is rolling in everyone needs to take precautions and expect winds 70-80 miles per hour. You sighed and turned the television off. You picked up your phone to ring JJ for the fourth time today but it goes straight to voicemail. You make your way to the basement to grab the boards and a hammer to board the windows to avoid more damage.

 You settled on the couch and checked your phone again, still no word from JJ. They were probably weatherizing the store. You could hear the heavy wind and rain whip the side of the house. You hear a small knock on the door. You furrow your eyebrows in confusion as to why anyone would be at the door. “Can I come in?” The boy stood in front of the door. “Of course” you opened the storm door and welcomed John B into the house. “Let me grab some towels” You walked to the bathroom and grabbed a towel and to your bedroom to grab a blanket for him. “Here” You hand him both and he thanked you. “What are you doing here?” You asked concerned. “Rain check? Literally” He laughed. “Smooth” you smiled. “Is JJ okay?” You asked about your newfound roommate. “Yeah I sent him to the chateau to check on everything” A moment of silent fell on us, this uncharted territory we were crossing. “Are you going to be in town a while?” He asked. “Yeah, I was thinking about opening that sandwich shop that we always talked about” You smiled realizing that he finally got his dream. “That would be cool” the conversation died down. “A kook huh?” You laughed remembering the rule that the group created. Rule #1 no pogue on pogue and Rule #2 no pogue on kook. “She’s great and she’s a new found pogue actually” He giggled feeling proud of himself. “Is that so John booker? Did you initiate her yourself?” You challenged him. The kettle whistled from the stove. You made you way over to the kitchen and poured it into two cups for you both. “I did actually, some shit went down after you left and she was there, she gave up the kook life” “I’m sorry” You apologized. It was wrong of you to think down upon the one person that repaired all of the damage that you caused. “What about you? Did you bring anyone back with you?” You shook your head no “Nope just me” You took a small sip of tea. “So how was California?” He asked, he’s never been out of the sate of North Carolina. “It was nice but it wasn’t home.” “Did you meet anyone?” He asked again. “Nope, You were the one for me” You immediately regret saying that as soon as it left your mouth. “I’m glad you listened and found someone. You are an amazing guy” You smiled. “I hope the same for you, you  deserve the world” The power flickered before finally just going out due to the storm. You yelped at the cracking of thunder outside. “You would think that after living on the coast for 18 years of your life you’d be use to the storms” He nudged you. “Yeah something like that” He felt you quiver from the chill of the storm. “Here get under the blanket He opened up half. You hesitated before finally giving in and feeling the warmth of his skin. His arm wrapped around your shoulder and pulled you closer to his chest. You knew that this wasn’t okay, but you didn’t want to think about it anymore. You guys both just set there enjoying the closeness one last time. “She’s no you, you know” He whispered softly. “Maybe but I’m not that person either anymore” So much time has passed since you two saw each other last, you had secretly wished that things would just pick up where you left off like nothing ever happened. “I know, neither am I but you were still home, you still are my home” He stated rambling. “JB, please do not go down this rabbit hole, it won’t do either of any good and you have Sarah Cameron waiting at home for you” You clenched your eyes shut. “Yeah you’re probably right” he whispered as he planted a kiss on your forehead. Tears brimmed your eyes. “So do I get an invitation to the wedding?” You asked, you didn’t want to go but you wanted his mind back on his fiancé. “If you want one” He stated not wanting to talk about. “I missed you, a lot” He turned to look at you. “ Yeah I missed you too”  

“If you asked, I’d leave her and wouldn’t think twice” You hear in the dark room.

“That’s the problem, She fixed you when I broke you, how could we do that to her?” The room fell silence again.

Lost Rewatch: 3x15 Left Behind

How can anyone possibly say that Kate is straight after watching this episode?

Opening goddamn scene and I’m preparing the Gay Specs

Yo, Juliet judo flipping Kate was hawwt 😏

America is once again 1 mile wide, it seems. Actually, no, Kate moves a lot, I’m giving the show this one

(Also cause we get some sweet wlw action, but anyway...)

So given Clemantine’s age when Kate escapes the island, the flashbacks couldn’t have been all that long ago. All that time on the run, and Kate stays in America. What made her decide to change country? And why Australia, of all places? Go big or go home, right, Kate?

Locke, you’ve known that Kate was a fugitive since season 1, why is this coming as a surprise to you?

The Sawyer/ Hurley subplot is not only hilarious, it also brings up some interesting questions about how the Losties society works

Like, why is whoever’s getting the food fine with everyone sharing it, despite the fact that most of them do nothing to contribute? Cause they can’t be living entirely off DHARMA drops, that was meant for two people

And we used to see Sawyer do stuff in earlier seasons, like chopping wood or gathering fruit, but now he just... sits around

I’m surprised no one has brought this up as an issue before

Kate says she chose her allieses after saints (and yes, I checked every one, and they all work), but some of the ones she picks are very obscure. I don’t think Sunday School would be teaching her about ‘Saint Monica of Hippo’ from Algeria

Come on Sawyer, of course Sun doesn’t like you right now, she found out yesterday what you and Charlie did to her!

“I’m just selling Bibles”??? That seems like a very specific thing for Cassidy to pretend to be doing. Surely selling a bunch of christian stuff would make more sense?

Hell, if you wanted a Bible, wouldn’t you just go to a bookshop? They don’t really seem like impulse purchases

I really don’t see why the Marshal hates Kate so much, especially at this point. All she’s done thus far is escape capture once

Kate and Juliet are arguing about whether or not to go back for Jack, and I’m like??? Sayid???

Also, why doesn’t Juliet want them to go back for Jack? He’s literally the only one who trusts her even a little bit. What is your infiltration plan without him???

Hurley says that if Claire likes Sawyer, he’s ‘home free’. And he does pretty well, so why does he agree to do anything else

Sawyer trying to be nice is so bloody adorable

What is the point of Juliet pretending to not know what The Monster is? Just say it doesn’t like the Barrack’s pylons, and boom you have a reason to go back for Jack

Listen, how about you bicker over literally anything other then Jack? Hey Kate, remember when you were kept in a cage for like a week? Aren’t you pissed about that? Don’t you wanna ask about that?

Since when did Desmond go hunting?

Desmond shoots the boar while Sawyer whines, and yet Sawyer gets all the credit

Kate and Juliet spent all night in a tree. I wOnDeR wHaT hApPeNnEd 😉😉😉

God, no one on this show is allowed decent parents, are they?

The con to make Sawyer a nicer person was cute and all but temporary leader??? Are you kidding me? I think practically any of the main characters still at the beach would be a better leader than Sawyer (at least, Sawyer where he is right now in his arc). Hell, Hurley, you be leader for a bit!

Ughh, Jack. The show was doing so much better without you

Still no idea why Jack cares so much about Juliet. They knew each other for a couple of weeks, max, and it really felt more like an alliance than anything romantic, which is what the show out of nowhere decides it is

Hey Kate, agreeing to travel litterally anywhere to beat up Cassidy’s ex? That’s loooove, hunny

Kate telling Cassidy her real name 😍😍😍 Hey remember when the next person she tells her real name to is Jack? You know, her main romantic partner? I really don’t think I’m reading too much into this

Sayid says there are fifty Others. I’m keeping that number in mind when we see them all later

Overall Review:

Oh look at that, the writers seem to be getting their shit together with Kate episodes. Two in a row that I have enjoyed (or at least, tolerated). I still don’t give a shit about Jate, so those bits were just annoying. But it’s honestly nice to see two female characters bond with no men in sight. Kate and Cassidy’s interactions bug the hell out of me later, but these are just... sweet

Overall Rating: 6.3/10

2 years 6 months

I moved to Queenstown, New Zealand in April 2018, as much as I would love to say all I had was a backpack and beautiful intentions, this is not true. I had a snowboard wrapped in bubble wrap, a big ass suitcase, a huge backpack filled with clothes folded by my beautiful mother and prepacked travel kit with everything I needed also packed by her. I was searching for purpose, change, lessons on the cultural differences between Aussie and NZ, and growth. What I found was a kiwi boyfriend, shitty housemates, freezing house conditions, a lot of MDMA, a kickass, inseparable girl crew, long nights out clubbing and the most amazing views I have ever seen and lived amongst my entire life. I shared a bed with this English girl who I didn’t know before moved in together. Turns out we didn’t get along well, but luckily I had other beautiful housemates I connected with in this house of 9 people. My best memories of this house were getting up every morning and walking onto my balcony and seeing Lake Queenstown and the mountains, getting covered with snow more and more each week. The cats that would just show up in the house and were so so fluffy and affectionate, my house mates Mackenzie, Kate, Dom, Gabby and Colligan, creating this beautiful little family. And everyone bagging out my accent and telling me how brave I was for moving away from home and my country at 19. 

My 2018 snow season turned into this blur of happiness and my memories blend into a crazy, free time. We would work 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week, then numb the pain by clubbing until morning, then doing it all over again. Me and my girl crew would ride as much as we could. Challenging ourselves every day and occasionally riding park. 

At the end of the season everyone had plans to move to the North island or continue their travels elsewhere; I felt lost, with a new beautiful relationship (my first proper boyfriend) who wasn’t willing to move out of home to live with me, I didn’t know where to go or what to do. All I knew is I wasn’t ready to say bye to him or come home to Aussie; So I stayed for summer, which wasn’t very good, I was yet to find my passion for summer, if you love hiking, lakes and being outside constantly then Queenstown is perfect, but I always felt like I was suffocated by the mountains. Like they were closing in on me, my soul was longing for the ocean. Growing up on the coast this makes sense, but all I would do at home by the beach is swim and I could swim in the lakes; I was yet to realize the real energetic pull from the ocean; unable to surrender to the pull at this stage in my 19 year old self.

Months went by, friends moved away and all I had was my boyfriend and his lovely family. I was contemplating coming home but then he told me he was willing to move out of home to move in with me, and this is how I ended up living in a cupboard under the stairs in Fernhill… Long story short Finn didn’t want to move out of home. I have learned that I don’t want a relationship that isn’t full of passion, love and dying to be together, a connection so strong that life without each other seems impossible. Why be together if you don’t want to wake up next to this person every day? Why be together if you don’t feel an inseparable energetic pull that leaves you longing for each other?

This is when I ended our relationship. Going through a  breakup of my first and longest relationship without any of my family or friends was hard, but the timing was good; I had just started my new job in Rentals at Coronet peak, I was living in a cupboard with amazing housemates for cheap, it was the best accommodation I ever had in Queenstown. And then I met David… What a beautiful man, dreadlocks down to his belly, a cheque republic accent, beautiful brown skin and full of passion, I have never met anyone like him. Our connection was first just through eyes, I felt such a strong gravital pull towards him and my heart would race every time he was near me; I worked in rentals and he was a shaper on the mountain. It wasn’t long until we kissed on a night out the first time we saw each other out. We sat down and told each other how much we wanted each other already but the first thing he said was that this was only for the season. He is going to Austria after and we would be exclusive until then. It hurt my heart but I would be stupid to lose this opportunity of love even if it was temporary.

We were inseparable after this night, I was completely head over heels in lust, I felt like I was literally walking on clouds, on such a high, just being in his arms was the most peaceful feeling I had ever experienced. Lots of snowboarding, love making, drum and bass nights out and dreading the future where we would part, it was the best winter I have ever lived; On our last night together it was the hardest night of my life. I remember between all of the pain and tears, I said to him ‘Do I have to tell you how I really feel about you?’ but he knew. Every single day he knew the way I looked at him and he could feel it too, how he’s the first person I have ever been in love with, how ready I was to jump on the next plane and go to Austria to be by his side, to spend my life’s savings in Europe just to have another second with him. What a blessing to feel and have the ability to feel this purity, desire, love for someone else, this drive to keep living until every last drop of energy, love, sensation is given to them. At just 20 I had already felt the strongest love imaginable and it was all his. But the worst part was, he didn’t feel the same way. Next thing I knew I was letting go of him at the airport with a 20 hour flight ahead of him and a heart that I could literally feel breaking in my chest.

 Breathe… relax and release the pain, there is so much ahead of you; My whole world felt like it was over, but the next day I had to pack my whole life into my Subaru outback, and get on the road, leave all of Queenstown behind, with my shattered heart, 18 months behind me and I didn’t even know where I was going. I Drove right up north of the South Island, I camped on the beach with seals in Kaikoura. There are literally snow capped mountains that meet the ocean there. It is incredible and watching the sunsets in Kaikoura was slowly piecing my heart back together. I blasted Tash Sultana and practiced yoga, with tears falling down my cheeks and on to the mat I knew I was healing myself slowly every time I practiced.

I caught the ferry with my car and headed for Napier which is a small town on the east coast of the North Island; It was pissing down rain, which felt like a reflection of my pain, so of course I was balling my eyes out with it, my tire looked like it was going to pop and I pulled up to this free food market my Queenstown friend had told me about. There is an organization in Napier which all of the supermarkets donate their expired goods to instead of dumping them straight away. It is amazing. My expectation was hippy, nice backpackers appreciating the market and generosity. Instead half the people looked like serious junkies. I felt so out of place and scared that I was hiding my car keys…My heart raced the entire time, but I ended up with SO much food, they had so many loafs of bread, veggies, even bakery sweets! It was so amazing.

 I then drove to a campsite that was full. It was almost dark at this point and there was only one other place I could stay. It was a 30 minute drive to a holiday park. So I had no choice but to drive there. When I arrived, there was the reception, which was covered in spider webs and had smashed glass windows. It looked abandoned... My heart was racing then a sweet man came over and I gave him $10 cash for the night. There were families permanently living in caravans, and they all looked at me as in what the fuck is this young girl doing here. I felt so unsafe, I couldn't even go to the toilet, I was so petrified something would happen to me. I could not believe the comparison, coming from posh Queenstown to this town of poverty, I had NO idea this was a problem amongst New Zealand.

I sat on the beach watching the sun go down, and I just let it all come out. My heart literally felt shattered and I had no idea how I could pick up the pieces. How do I pretend like I'm okay? How am I going to meet other travellers with my heart closed? I called my mum and told her I have to come home, that I couldn't go on, that I was completely broken. And she said to me with so much kindness and support, ‘Love, I truly believe if you come home now you will regret it. You have to see what Raglan is like, just give it a chance’. She changed my whole life just with one sentence. I don't think I slept all night, the man was supposed to look at my exploding tire in the morning but as soon as it was light I got up and drove all the way to Raglan.

When I arrived I drove straight to the beach. My mood was okay but as soon as I got there, I broke, once again. There were lots of vans with cool people. Not one other person alone. Everyone was in families or groups and again I felt so lost. But I somehow pulled it together enough to drive myself to this $10 campsite. It had such an amazing view of raglan and this nice Maori lady called Kaz checked me in. She saw through me completely. She just knew I was lost, and completely reassured me in everyway that I am in the right place. She said I would find work easy and even offered a caravan for me to stay in. Then I spent the night with Mary. A 61 year old kiwi woman who is travelling on her own. We shared a beautiful vegan dinner. I opened up about David leaving and she said what are they good for anyway? She just went through a divorce and said it's the most free and happy she has ever been. 

The next morning I went into town! It was the first time I wore my cord flares and I felt like I fit in so well. I went into bohemian gypsy which is the most amazing shop and met this gorgeous girl called Becca. Then I met Tony the boss and he said he would call me for work. Becca and I went out for a drink after her shift and we bonded so much over passionate European men, heartbreaks and yoga. I love her. I checked into the hostel and met some nice people. Every time something positive happens I feel a little more healed. I am picking up the pieces. I can't wait to grow and heal into the best version of myself possible. 

But seriously, Raglan is fucking amazing. Hands down the best place in New Zealand... And I've been all over the country. At my favourite coffee shop called Indis, you have your coffee and pay later, plus everyone plays guitar and smokes weed at the cafe and the police don't even look twice. Plus the owner is an absolute legend. He tells Aucklanders to shove their plastic takeaway cups up their arse. He doesn't do any take away cups, just have the coffee here, bring a keep cup or forget about it.

I know knew that Raglan was the town for me. Being in a town that is so environmentally sustainable/ aware, accepting of all, hippy and beautiful, I felt like I was glowing. Next thing I knew I was offered a job as a Receptionist at Raglan Backpackers and I was working at Bohemian Gypsy, making my jewellery and making new friends every day. Living at the hostel was one of the best experiences of my life. I have checked in and shown around people from over 30 different countries in the world and had sleepovers with all of them! I cannot put into words how amazing my day to day life was there and I am so deeply grateful for these experiences and every single person that was by my side.  

I wasn't ready for surfing when I first arrived in Raglan. I would try but the ocean always made me feel more vulnerable, I would cry every time I got smashed in the whitewash, looking back on it, it was just a reflection of how I was feeling inside and I didn't have the strength at the time to fight back. Instead I picked up skating. As soon as I saw people going around the pump track I was hooked. I knew I had to be able to do it. Within 7 days I could do one lap and just got better and better everyday. I got to know a lot of the locals from being at the skatepark as well. They are so friendly and have some amazing bands. Muroki is a fucking rockstar and I’m so glad I got to tell him that in person. He's going to be huge one day. We ended up with a sick summer crew at the hostel. Plus I got to live in a stationary van so I had my own space and privacy which was so amazing. Enzo, Bea, Sacha, Chris, Mash, Jamie, Lottie, Merryn, and Aaron. 

People from all over the world to come together and create this amazing versatile family. Something I had never experienced before. It was the best summer of my life and I'll never forget it. Everyday I would heal more. At the end of February I decided to give surfing a proper shot on a longboard. And I paddled straight out the back, and was hooked just by sitting in the line up. That day changed my life. Now above anything else in the world, surfing was and is my healer. The lessons from the ocean are like no other. I now have my very own 9ft single fin which I'm in love with, I live for surfing. And it's how I want to spend my life. I want to get up at 5am and go surf, I want to stay out surfing until 9pm. It turned me completely off alcohol (along with some massive mistakes) and I am forever grateful for this love that I have found.

I was planning to come back to Australia then fly to Indo to travel with my best friend Daisy. And then all this Covid stuff went down. 

That's when I met Julius. My beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes French man. After having the most amazing summer of my life I had lots of time for myself, and for the first time in my life I wasn’t looking for anyone. I was so content and happy with my life every moment. 

So when he came, I was ready for him. I knew we were meant to be together as soon as I saw him. On his second night at the hostel, we had a party and we kissed for the first time. A few days later all of NZ went into full on Level 4 lockdown. I was so happy, all 45 of us backpackers, it felt like a more down to earth, hippy version of Love Island. 

We had everything at that hostel from cooking lessons, yoga classes, stick n poke tattooing, parties, weed brownie days and so much more I cannot even put it into words what went on. Having a sleepover every night with 45 backpackers from different countries was indescribable. Falling in love alongside with my two best friends (Mash and Maria) was indescribable. It really did feel like a reality TV show where we were all stuck in a house together, with no supervision and the only worries in our worlds was our beautiful new relationships, friendships and new connections.

Within a week Julius had completely moved into my van and I was so happy. It was so nice to have a man in there, he would always be fixing things so I wouldn’t hurt myself and tell me I have to keep ‘our home’ clean. His energy is always so positive and beautiful, he can put a smile on anyone’s face and is so proud to be with me. We were falling for each other more and more everyday and I feel like he was literally made for me. 

We went skinny dipping in the bioluminescent water and they had never shined so bright. It was the most beautiful moment. He told me he loved me for the first time and my heart was full of so much energy and love. I am so in love with this man and I will be forever.

We were inseperable. A couple of months later we moved together to a small town on the coromandel coast called Whangamata. We lived in a tiny home and got jobs at the same cafe. We would ride our bikes together every morning and work the exact same hours. Months went by and we continue to grow together. This is the right love. The love that is returned, nurtured, it is a choice every single day of our lives and it still is. It is only now I realize, I have never ever ever been in love like I am with him. Lust, sure. Obsessed, sure. But this is different. I have never in my life been truely loved back unconditionally. In this moment he is the love of my life and I am eternally grateful.

I cannot express it enough how grateful I am to have had these life changing experiences. Thankyou New Zealand, Thankyou to my 19 year old self, Thankyou for pushing yourself, Thankyou for moving to a country where you knew absolutely no one. Thankyou for changing my life, forever.

Part 1- Hi! (Feel free to ignore I don’t want to bother you) your lost answer to anon got me thinking about an old headcanon I could never get str8 (Jate’s my lost otp & I love suliet to pieces). In “LaFleur”, sawyer says Kate’s face is gone from his memory, 3y’s enough to get over someone. But as soon as she’s back, he keeps glancing @ her as to figure out if he believes his own words. Except from the obvious writers’ ambiguous trick to keep the “square” alive for a bit longer,

Part 2- I thought it was some sort of leftover tenderness they shared toward each other (that Jack/Juliet didn’t get) cause despite their incompatibility, I believe they genuinely loved each other. So my question really is: do you think, post “the end” S & K find à way to accept that they care about each other, help each other get over their losses, learn to belong even if it’s just in each other’s lives (as friends or more) ? Sorry for this novel and thanks.

hey @clarissemcc!

so my headcanon for how things turn out with kate and sawyer post-island is definitely on the angsty side.

i’ll tuck it after the “keep reading,” just to be safe.

___________

as the final on-screen events of the original timeline in the series finale take place, jack has made the decision to remain behind on the island (where he soon dies), and juliet is already dead, meaning that both kate and sawyer return to civilization faced with the prospect of going through the rest of their lives bereft of their respective soulmates.

both of them undoubtedly mourn.

both of them undoubtedly suffer. 

but, ultimately, kate is better equipped to cope with her loss than sawyer is his.

that’s not to say that things are easy for kate, of course.

when she is finally reunited with jack in the flash-sideways universe, the sheer yearning in her “i’ve missed you so much” admission implies that she has likely spent years on years---a full lifetime---in the ot grieving him. 

losing jack after just having reconciled with him for the first time since their falling out in the wake of their broken engagement and after everything that they had been through together both on and off of the island most certainly leaves her heartbroken and reeling. 

she probably never really gets over mourning him and wondering “what if---?”

i honestly don’t see her ever getting in another long-term relationship or marrying after him; if she was going to “settle down” in that way, he was the one person she was going to do so with.

that said, i do think that, overall, she is able to face that grief (however long she has to) because she has a sense of purpose in leaving the island. 

she’s going to help claire raise aaron.

and i tend to believe that having someplace to go and something important to do helps her endure a life without jack.

that’s where she encounters whatever healing is available to her and “learns to belong,” like you talk about.

before crashing on the island, she is a fugitive runaway with nothing good or lasting in her life, but afterward she has two people who are looking to her to provide stability for them; she has a family, a home, and, most significantly, a reason to stick around.

not so with sawyer.

before the island, he is placeless---a traveling con man, in and out of prison, lacking a solid identity, much less a sense of purpose.

on the island, and particularly during the 70s in dharmaville, he finally gains grounding, becoming a super competent leader under the guise of jim lafleur and finding a partner---in every sense of the word---in juliet.

and had he been able to leave the island with juliet and marry her, as per his plan, i think he would have continued in the upward trajectory we see from him in s5 and s6. he would have listened to his better angels.

but in the wake of losing juliet, i’m not sure he can---and not just because she’s gone but because he blames himself for her death.

for as gut-wrenching as leaving jack behind on the island is for kate---and particularly knowing that he is badly wounded and possibly close to death---she can at least take solace in the fact that jack makes a choice for himself, and she can honor his willing sacrifice by taking care of his sister and nephew.

sawyer knows no such comfort.

he blames himself for juliet’s death on multiple levels: because he asked juliet to stay with him on the island for “two weeks” which turned into three years (see episode 05x08 “lafleur”); because his behavior around kate after she returned to the island eventually prompted juliet to sign on for jack’s plan to blow up the jughead (see episode 05x16 “the incident” pt. i); and because he literally couldn’t hold onto juliet and dropped her down the shaft (see episode 05x17 “the incident” pt. ii). 

though one could try to argue with him that juliet exercised personal agency both in remaining on the island with him AND detonating the bomb, his guilt and self-loathing would never accept such appeals.

in his mind, he killed the only person he ever truly loved.

and without her, not only does he have nowhere to go and nothing to do post-island, but he also carries with him the sense that he doesn’t deserve to get to go anywhere or do anything.

he doesn’t want to carry on in her absence.

he wants to suffer for his sins.

he wants to experience every moment of agony rightly owed him for his actions.

filled with guilt, pain, and the impulse to self-castigate, i just can’t imagine him faring well.

though kate might try to convince him to not give up, i don’t think he’d listen to her or accept any attempts by her to take care of him---and particularly not because he knows that part of what persuaded juliet to blow up the warhead was her assumption, however erroneous, that he would eventually choose kate over her (“i changed my mind when i saw you look at her”).

even just being around kate as a friend would trigger his guilt in the extreme.

and while he wouldn’t blame kate---as he says he doesn’t, per the scene on the pier---he would still blame himself.

he would always blame himself.

hate himself, even.

and a self-hating sawyer is a dangerous one.

i mean, self-hatred is what underlies his jerky, bullying, posturing behavior during the early seasons of the show, right? and, by comparison, that self-hatred is of a more “garden variety,” rooted in his sense that he has become someone despicable, rather than an extremely personal sense of loss (and fault).

so much more extreme will be his bent over juliet---and so much the worse his self-sabotaging behavior as a consequence.

the pre-show sawyer is an outlaw who lives dangerously, but he ultimately possesses a self-preservative instinct; he is a consummate survivor.

that’s part of what makes him and kate so similar.

and him and juliet, for that matter.  

but this sawyer---the one who feels responsible for getting the woman he loves killed---won’t care what happens to him anymore.

so he won’t do himself in all at once---not when he has a very strong sense that he deserves to suffer for what he has done for as long as possible---but he will drink and smoke himself sick and pick barfights with guys twice his size and run cons where he’s almost sure to get caught and then pull his gun on the cops who show up to arrest him; he’ll be a fucking mess, the likes of which would make even bearded, pill-popping, oceanic-six, los angeles jack go, “oh shit.”

and without any sense of grander purpose, i don’t know that sawyer would be able to pull himself out of the spiral.

kate might try to argue that he has an obligation to take care of himself if not for his own sake than for clementine’s, but he’d probably say that his daughter’s only interaction with him being by way of the trust fund he left for her is for the best.

honestly, i don’t think his story in the ot has any kind of happy ending.

and i don’t think he lasts as long as kate does.

just based on the way i understand his character, i doubt that sawyer allows himself to find any sort of refuge with kate post-island in the ot, either friendly or romantic, even if she tries to offer it to him. he also probably eschews company of any kind from anyone, including their other friends from the island. 

for my money, there is just too much hurt and guilt in him, for which he cannot permit himself any sort of peace, so he strikes out on his own (“some of us are meant to be alone”) to disastrous effect.

while kate undoubtedly worries about him, i think that at some point, probably sooner rather than later, she makes the conscious decision to focus her energies on claire and aaron, resigning herself to the fact that sawyer doesn’t want to be saved, and particularly not by her. 

ultimately, i think their paths diverge.

she learns to live again after the island, and he doesn’t.

all of this postulation given, i’m certainly not harshing on your headcanon! it’s way happier than mine and, frankly, a whole lot nicer to think about.

lest i end on a super negative note here, i’ll finish up by saying that i find it highly significant that in the flash-sideways, kate once again finds purpose in helping claire with aaron, while sawyer is searching---not only as a detective for his parents’ killer but literally walking around with a big, yellow sunflower (his bloom of choice for juliet), trying to find where (or rather to whom) he belongs, hopeful for the life he has always wanted to lead with her. 

though he doesn’t get any kind of happy ending in the ot, at least by my estimation, he does eventually find what he’s looking for in the flash-sideways, and that reunion with juliet is so healing for him. 

anyway, i’m rambling here.

thanks for the question! feel welcome to send another any time. 

Thoughts from my recent LOST re-watch

There is absolutely no coherence to this, so please forgive me. It’s just a very long list of all of the random thoughts I’ve had throughout my re-watch of LOST about my opinions on characters, ships, plot lines etc. and how they’ve changed or stayed the same. Feel free to send me an ask if you want me to expand on any of these points. 

Season 1 is perfection. Literal perfection. I can’t find a single criticism for it. The mystery, the suspense, the anticipation, the characterisation, the plot, the build-up. Just everything. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch it, it’s still so impactful and the pilot is one of the best pilots of any show I’ve ever seen

It’s still so funny that all of the characters so happen to have the perfect combination of skills to survive - Jack the Doctor, Locke the Hunter, Sayid the Soldier and Kate the Tracker

I always knew it anyway, but the Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle really is awful. And the fact that they (attempted) to bring Ana Lucia into it and then actually did bring Juliet in to make it a love square is even worse. 

Jack and Juliet actually kind of make sense as a romantic pairing and have good chemistry (but Suliet still rule all) 

Kate is the worst character on the show. I’m sorry, I’ve tried to like her but I never have. She doesn’t undergo any development until around the time she gets Aaron in season 5 - she kills her father in cold blood and justifies it by saying he was a violent drunk (hello, there’s nothing that can justify murder with maybe the exception of self defence), she then goes on the run where she constantly lies, schemes and manipulates to get what she wants, which ultimately leads to her best friend getting killed in the crossfire. From the second she lands on the island she consistently plays Sawyer and Jack off one another by taking advantage of their feelings for her without any consideration to how that impacts them 

John Locke is an asshole a majority of the time and I really don’t like him (this doesn’t include pre-island and flash-sideways John, who’s a sweetheart) 

Charlie Pace is also an asshole and I don’t know how I didn’t see this sooner

I’ll never be over Boone’s death or the fact that he died for nothing because of Locke

Walt getting taken from the raft is still one of the most shocking and haunting moments of the series

Hugo Reyes is the definition of cinnamon roll, I love him with every fibre of my being and LOST wouldn’t be what is is without him

Kate treats Sawyer like shit from the beginning and he deserves so much better. I’m not gonna lie, I still don’t understand how or why Sawyer falls in love with her

Also what is that bullshit with them having sex in the cage? I know it’s supposed to be this hot-we-could-die-at-any-moment raw sex but it just comes across as very weird?? Even if they don’t know there’s cameras on them, they’re outside in the open where anybody could see them at any time

Shannon is a very misunderstood character who deserved better. So. much. better.

I still hate Ben, but he’s one of the best written villains in television I’ve ever seen

Charlie/Claire is the worst romance in the world. They have no chemistry, Charlie develops an obsession with her and practically stalks her, forces her to do what he wants her to do, constantly tries to take over with Aaron despite having absolutely no right to. There is just nothing even remotely redeeming about this ship and I still don’t get it

Locke’s musical theme makes me cry every single time 

And following on from that, as much as I dislike Locke, his flashbacks always make me cry. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do, ever!”, when he gets in the wheelchair in the hospital after his father has pushed him out of the window and when he cries in the car after his father tells him he’s not wanted. It’s heartbreaking 

I still can’t get over all the amazing character connections - Charlie saving Nadia, Sayid meeting Kate’s father and Kelvin during the war, Jack meeting Desmond before the island, Christian being Claire’s father, Christian and Ana Lucia going to Australia together, Sawyer meeting Christian in the bar etc. - it’s all so beautifully done in a way that feels authentic and links the characters (even the ones with more superficial ties) together so well

Michael is not a bad person and is unfairly hated. He’s just a father that did what any parent would do to keep their child safe 

Hurley and Libby are sweet but severely underdeveloped

I actually really dig the episode about Paulo and Nikki

Eko has such a touching and emotional arc, which although short, is very well rounded

The Other 48 Days is still one of the most chilling episodes of the series

It’s sad that the Tailies were all killed off so prematurely, I feel like they all had potential to be more

Jin’s development is so unappreciated. He’s probably the character that goes through the most amount of growth from the pilot to the finale

I know I should feel sorry for Claire (and part of me does), but I still find her too annoying to feel anything but dislike for her

Desmond and Penny’s love story is freakin’ beautiful and nothing can compare

Also how cute are Rose and Bernard? I’ve come to appreciate their relationship so much. They’re literally just two people who love each other in the purest way and want to be together. It’s so beautiful

Sayid is one of the best characters on the show and my love for him has been reaffirmed 

I understand the appeal of Sayid and Shannon but Nadia was Sayid’s soul mate and no one can tell me otherwise

Jack is probably the most unstable character on the show but it’s never acknowledged

Am I the only one that notices that Charlie flat-out lies about not being able to swim? In season 1 when Joanna is drowning Charlie tells Jack he can’t go in to help her because he can’t swim, but he consistently dreams about swimming to save Aaron, Desmond has a vision of him saving Claire from drowning and in season 2 he flat out tells everyone he’s swimming junior champion and swims down to the Looking Glass. Is this Charlie being a liar or simply a fault of the writers, I wonder? 

The episode where Sawyer, Jin and Hurley fix up the Dharma car still makes me so happy

Sun and Jin’s relationship is one of the best developed fictional ships I’ve ever seen. It’s so rare that we actually get to see a married couple who are on the verge of breaking up actually love each other enough to work their asses off to make it work and end up being happier and more in love with each other more than ever before

The Others are still absolutely terrifying in seasons 1 and 2 before we find out who they are

Charlie and Hurley’s friendship is overrated 

Adding to that some underrated dynamics are - Sayid and Desmond (in The Constant Sayid blindly does everything in his power to help Desmond despite not understanding what the hell is going on with him), Kate and Sayid, Hurley and Sayid, Michael, Sawyer and Jin, Shannon and Walt, Boone and Shannon, Eko and Ana.

Jack is by far the most flawed protagonist I’ve seen in any show

I’m intrigued to know what direction Ana Lucia’s character would’ve gone in if she’d survived

The musical themes are still the best of any show I’ve ever seen. I love that each character has their own theme which perfectly encapsulates them

The way that everyone just forgets about Claire after she goes missing and don’t even attempt to find her is so bad. Particularly when you consider the fact that whenever anyone else has gone missing or were kidnapped - Jack, Kate, Michael, Hurley - they’ve gone on a rescue mission immediately 

I’ve always been indifferent to Sun but I realise now that I don’t like her. She’s very hard to connect with and in the last seasons she becomes completely irrelevant and has no personality what-so-ever

Jack reacts so coldly to finding out that Claire is his sister. Like he finds out, he’s shocked, has tears in his eyes but nothing changes in how he behaves and thinks about Claire and Aaron, which makes no sense (but I’m glad we got to see this explored in the Flash Sideways)

Danielle and Alex Rousseau deserved better. So much better

All these people that accuse the show of having an abundance of plot-holes just aren’t paying attention or want everything to be spoon fed to them. There’s actually only about 1 or 2 inconsistencies big enough to be considered a plot-hole (the main one being that Danielle actually sees Ben face-to-face when he kidnaps Alex, but later on doesn’t recognise him when she captures him in a net) and everything is tied together perfectly

I didn’t realise before but season 5 is actually a pretty bad season. The most redeeming aspect is Suliet

Did anyone else notice that Naveen’s (Sayid) accent regresses into his own English accent in season 5 and 6? 

I actually hate the entire concept of Jacob and the MIB and what was done with them

Jack really does become Locke in seasons 5 and 6 

Following on from that, I really can’t blame Sawyer for wanting to murder Jack in season 5/6. He saunters back onto the island like he’s King of the Island thinking he’s some hero who’s going to save everyone he left behind whilst also fixing himself without any consideration to the repercussions. He completely destroys the life Sawyer and Juliet have spent 3 damn years building which results in a lot of people dying, including Juliet and he doesn’t even really seem that aware of how badly he’s fucked up 

We were robbed of a Frank Lapidus centric episode and flashbacks. Robbed, I tell you

I love Jack and Kate as a ship, but when they get back to the island in season 5 they’re very OOC (which is a writing problem imo). Kate wanders off and leaves Jack behind all the time and they don’t really stick together which is just not like Jack and Kate at all. No matter what they always stick together 

Sawyer’s character development is amazing. I love him so much 

The Temple is dumb. The concept of it, the people we’re introduced to - everything. It should’ve just been scrapped 

I also don’t understand what the hell happens to Sayid when he’s drowned in The Temple???? It’s so random and inconsistent, it makes no sense

I still love the concept of the Flash Sideways and don’t understand how people can hate on it or claim it doesn’t matter. It’s so important in so many ways 

But I still don’t quite understand why Jack and Juliet have a son in the Flash Sideways? I understand why Jack has a son, because it makes sense for him to work out his ‘daddy issues’, but I don’t understand why Juliet is the mother and what the significance is of that

We really should’ve got more Desmond centric episodes

The Constant is still one of the best episodes of television ever made

The older I get the more I understand and appreciate the religious and theological meanings of the show

I still don’t understand how or why Hurley starts being able to see ghosts. Like that ability just comes out of no where with little to no explanation 

It also gets very confusing trying to distinguish between literal ghosts and when the MIB has taken on a dead person’s form

I understand now that one of the many reasons LOST speaks to me on a personal level, and always has, is that I too have felt lost (both metaphorically and literally) throughout my life and I’m able to connect to every character on that basis regardless of whether I like them or not

The characterisation on this show is still second to none. The way each character has distinct lives that are fully fleshed out by flashbacks and that we get to understand every intimate detail about them - the worst thing they’ve ever done, their happiest moment, their greatest fear, the person they love most - I’m yet to find another show that writes its characters in such a complex and fulfilling way

I will always love the show and stand by it being one of the best shows ever, but as the seasons progress it does decline in quality, especially seasons 5 and 6 

The finale is still perfect though. I cry like a baby every single time - the church, the way Jack cries in his dad’s arms, it’s just too much

Fic: Starting Over (1/?)

Summary: A Lost/Once Upon A Time crossover.Three years after leaving the island, Kate and Claire’s search for a quiet town in which to make their permanent home brings them to the peaceful idyll of Storybrooke, Maine, where new friendships are forged and new relationships tentatively kindled - although nothing is ever plain sailing. 

Eventual Claire/Gold, Kate/Ruby, with appearances from lots of Lost and OUAT characters.

Rated: T

[AO3]

====

Starting Over

One

“We need to get out of the city.” 

James glanced over at Kate on hearing her words. She was looking out of the kitchen window at the garden. Claire was sitting out on the deck, wrapped up in a thick afghan and nursing a cup of tea, watching over Aaron as he ran around, playing and investigating mud and bugs like any self-respecting six-year-old did.

“I thought you said that she was getting better. It’s been three years, Kate. If she’s not better now, do you think she’s ever going to be?”

Kate sighed and turned to him at last. “She is better, James. Look at her. You can’t look at her now and say she’s not a completely different person to the one that left the island three years ago. Be that as it may, though, she’s never going to be happy here in the city. There’s a tension in her all the time, even when she’s happy, like now.”

James looked back out of the window. Aaron was proudly showing his mother a worm that he had found in the rockery, and Claire was laughing and pretending to be grossed out by it.

He had to admit that the difference in her really was remarkable, and it had been good to see her growing out of the trauma that she had experienced on the island and returning to someone who could almost be compared with the person that she had been before the man-who-wasn’t-Locke had got to her. She was never going to be the same Claire; she had gone through too much for it not to have a permanent impact on her, and everyone knew it, even herself. Continuing to watch mother and son playing in the garden, James looked for the tension that Kate had described.

He saw her twitch as a plane taking off from La Guardia rumbled overhead, her shoulders hunching with the sound, and Aaron picked up on it too, his head on one side, one grubby little hand touching Claire’s knee. He couldn’t hear their conversation from the kitchen, but he could see Claire reassuring her son that she was all right and he should go back to playing.

“I’ve been thinking for a while that we need to go somewhere quieter,” Kate said, bringing James’s attention back into the kitchen with her. “New York probably wasn’t the best place to come in hindsight, but I couldn’t exactly go back to LA and I thought that it would be easier in a big city. We could hide away in plain sight. I’m so used to doing it that I didn’t really think about what it would be like for Claire. Going from an island with no-one in sight to a city with millions of people in it every day. She’s come so far, but I don’t think that she’s going to come any further.”

James gave a final glance out of the window then turned his back on it, focussing on Kate fully.

“Are you sure that she’s the only reason, Freckles?” he asked.

Kate gave him a look. “What are you implying, James? You only ever call me Freckles when you’re anticipating a fight. So, what is it that you have to say that you think I’m not going to like?”

“Are you sure that you’re not getting itchy feet yourself?”

The question had blind-sided her, he could tell, but at the same time, perhaps she wasn’t completely unprepared for it. James sighed, sensing that he wasn’t going to get an answer immediately, and he went on.

“If Claire needs peace and quiet to finish her recovery then that’s all very well, Kate, and I’ll be happy to help you find that peace and quiet wherever you want it. But considering everything she’s been though, and everything Aaron’s been through, in the past few years, with all the upheaval, I don’t want you to use her wellbeing as an excuse to satisfy your own desire to move on.”

It was strange to be jumping to Claire’s defence. In the past, he had always sided with Kate, not that there had ever been much to take sides on. Claire was too busy trying to sort out her own head to really argue about any of the arrangements and was happy to go along with anything as long as it meant that she got to be with Aaron. As time had gone on and as the dust from the island had settled, so it was that James had gradually understood just how badly Claire had been affected by her time alone there. He wanted to make her life and her recovery as easy as possible to take the strain off Kate, yes, but at the same time, Claire was capable of making her own decisions regarding her health and state of mind now. She knew when she was heading into a downward spiral and needed a couple of days just keeping to herself in her room. She knew how she was doing at any given moment. Kate was her friend and co-parent, not her carer; as much as he would always support Kate’s decisions made for the good of all three of them, he didn’t want her to be putting words in Claire’s mouth. The idea that Claire needed protecting was a hard mindset for Kate to break out of, but she didn’t need protecting as much as she had done before.

“James, if I had itchy feet, do you really think that a small town in the back of beyond would be the place I would choose to run to? Come on, you know me. I tried small town life once, and it really didn’t suit me.”

“Well, that’s true.”

“If I was running just for the sake of running, just for the sake of moving on and not staying in the same place for too long, then I would go to another city. It’s the city that we need to get out of. There’s too much noise here and too many people.” Kate shrugged. “A lot of people don’t like living in cities for that reason. We wouldn’t have small towns if people didn’t like living in cities.”

In spite of himself, James smiled. Kate did have a point there. He supposed that his hesitance was because he knew that Claire had lived in a city before, in Sydney, another busy, bustling city just like New York was. Her newfound nervousness around so much life and vibrancy, living in a concrete jungle as opposed to a green one, was proof that she had changed irrevocably.

“Have you talked to Claire about it yet?” he asked. “You know that you can’t just pack up and move on without consulting her.”

“I know that, James, I’m not stupid. I’m not going to start making plans on her behalf without asking her first. I’m not her mother.”

“No, you’re not. You’re not her older sister either.”

He saw the little sag of defeat in Kate’s shoulders. The friendship that she’d had with Claire since leaving the island had been so hard to define, close and fierce and protective, and James thought that he had hit the nail on the head. Kate desperately wanted to do what was best for Claire and had to reign herself in from just making all the decisions and expecting Claire to go along with them. She’d had to do that at first; Claire was in no fit state to be making such decisions. Now though, things had changed, and Claire was getting better, and deserved more of a say in what their life together as parents to Aaron was going to be like.

“I’ll talk to her tonight,” she said. “But if we do make the decision to move somewhere else, will you help us?”

James smiled. “Of course. Whatever you need.”

Kate gave a snort of laughter. “Sorry, I just had the image of you driving a u-haul up the east coast.”

“Who’s driving a u-haul up the east coast?”

Claire had come in from the garden, her mug of tea empty. Aaron was still digging in the flowerbeds; Kate wondered if the spring plants Claire had put in earlier in the week would survive the experience.

“No-one, yet,” James said.

Claire just raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything, just washing her hands and getting started on dinner. Looking at her now, it was hard to tell just what she’d been through, but Kate was right. There was something about her that was still on edge. Maybe a change of scenery would help with that.

X

Claire was sitting out on the deck wrapped in her afghan again, and Kate came to sit beside her. Aaron was asleep at last; it had been Kate’s turn for story time and he’d been unusually awake, needing two stories before he started to nod off. Maybe he could sense the beginnings of change in the air and it was making him just as on edge as Kate was. James’s earlier words to her had struck a chord; she might think she knew what was best for Claire and what she needed, but ultimately she couldn’t make the decision for her. She was glad that he had come over and played devil’s advocate in a way. She was so used to making the big decisions on her own or with only Carole’s assistance that she did sometimes forget that Claire had a voice and a stake in all these things too now, and she needed to be able to use them.

“Hey. Is he down now?”

Kate nodded. “It took ages though. With all that running around in the garden earlier, you’d think that he’d be tired out. Why do I always get bed time when he’s hyper?”

Claire laughed. “For the same reason that I get bath time when he’s really muddy.” She closed her eyes, turning her face up to the cool evening breeze, and Kate watched it blow her hair around her face like a golden halo. They’d had to crop it so short to get rid of the tangles after the island and it was in such bad condition that Kate had wondered if it would ever grow back, but now it was just brushing her shoulders again, and she looked more like the Claire that Kate had always known before.

“Claire,” she began, “are you happy here?”

Claire turned to her. “How do you mean?”

“Here in New York. Are you happy here?”

“Of course. Where else would I want to be? I’ve got Aaron and I’ve got you, and we’ve got our friends around. That’s all I need. I mean, it would be nice if I could see Mum a bit more often, but other than that, I’m happy here. Why do you ask?”

“I just thought that maybe you’d prefer somewhere… quieter.”

Claire didn’t reply for a long time, just staring down at her toes.

“When you’re so used to solitude, such a large place can be overwhelming,” she admitted. “I don’t miss the island, I never will. I’m glad to be away from it, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I just can’t breathe here.” She shrugged. “I can deal with it. It’s not as bad as it was. I just miss being near the sea sometimes. Walking along the Hudson isn’t really the same. But I can cope with it. As long as I have Aaron and you, then I think I can cope with anything.”

“But what if you didn’t have to cope? We can go somewhere else. Somewhere quieter, somewhere near the sea.”

Claire nodded. “That would be nice. Did you have anywhere in mind?”

Kate shook her head. “No, not really. It was just an idea to get away from the city.”

“Well, if you’re sure that it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”

“After everything that we’ve already done in this life, I don’t think that anything’s going to be too much trouble. If we can get off the island and rebuild our lives after that, then moving to a smaller town than New York should be plain sailing.”

Claire laughed. “I guess you’re right. Thank you for getting everything sorted out for us coming to live here. I feel like I never really thanked you properly; I just left everything in your hands and tried to put myself back together again. I wasn’t really pulling my weight.”

“All things considered, I think that’s understandable.”

“All the same, I want to be more involved this time. It’s all of our lives that we’re moving if we’re moving them. If we’re going to do this, then I don’t want you to have to do all the work. I’m helping out.”

It was the stubborn streak that did it, Claire’s old determination bleeding through again. Kate thought of her mission to recover her lost memories of her abduction after Aaron got sick on the island. She wasn’t going to take no for an answer then, and she wasn’t going to take no for an answer now.

“I’ll be glad of your help,” she said, and she meant it. The more that Claire got involved with the move, then the less it felt like she was steamrollering over everything and making all the decisions on her behalf. Now the only thing left to do was to actually make the first steps towards moving. It wasn’t going to be an easy process. Moving around under fake identities was never easy, especially with a child in tow, but they’d done it before, and they could do it again. If necessary, Kate was sure that Richard could activate the Others’ off-island network again and get them some brand new documents drawn up just like he had done when they had first left the island. It had been a tense wait for new lives, but they hadn’t had any trouble once they had finally returned to civilisation.

“I guess that this is what you were talking about when James was mentioning driving a u-haul up the east coast,” Claire said presently.

“Yeah.” Kate wondered if Claire was mad that she had talked it over with James before her, but she didn’t show any signs of anger.

“What did he think of the plan?”

“He wanted to make sure that I wasn’t projecting my desire to move onto you. He thinks I’ve got itchy feet.”

“Have you?”

“Maybe a little. But I’ve stayed in one place before. I stayed in LA with Aaron. I would have been happy to keep staying there if Ben hadn’t intervened and pressed my paranoia button. No-one’s pressed my paranoia button now. Still, if there’s an opportunity for a change of scene, then I’m not going to say no to it.”

They fell into silence as the sun began to set, bathing the garden in a soft pink glow.

“Will you be happy in a small town, Kate?” Claire asked eventually. “You really don’t strike me as that sort.”

“I tried it once,” Kate admitted. “But I wasn’t really me then. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I was pretending to be the perfect small-town housewife. When we move, if we move, whatever… I won’t be pretending. I’ll still be me. As long as I’m still Kate then it really doesn’t matter where I am. I’m still Aaron’s mom and your friend. As long as I’m not trying to be someone I’m not then I think I can settle anywhere. It’s when I start trying to fit in that the problems start.”

They fell into silence again, but Claire was mollified with her answer, and Kate fell to thinking. She had never tried living in a small town for any length of time since her ill-fated marriage. She’d always stuck to cities, and as she’d said to James, if she was moving just for herself then that was where she would go. But this wasn’t just a move for herself. This was a move for the good of her entire family. If this was going to be the best thing for Claire, then ultimately it would be the best thing for all of them. Claire would be happier, and Kate and Aaron wouldn’t be worried about her. They could all be their best selves, and who knew? Maybe something miraculous and unexpected could come of it. It wasn’t the first time that their lives had been turned upside down, and Kate knew better than to think it would be the last.

“I guess that the next question is to work out where we’re going to go,” Claire said.

Kate didn’t have a ready answer for that one.

X

“Storybrooke.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Storybrooke.” Desmond tapped their map of the eastern seaboard about halfway along the Maine coast. Penny and Kate had taken Aaron and Charlie out for ice cream, leaving Desmond and Claire poring over maps. “I know it’s a bit far, but I think it would be the perfect place for what you’re describing. We spent a few months there around the time Charlie turned one.”

“What’s it like?”

“Small and quiet, which is what you’re looking for. Not too small though. It has all your necessary amenities; you don’t need to drive four hours for the nearest hospital or anything. It’s got everything you could really need apart from a throbbing nightlife. Well, it’s got one bar.”

Claire laughed. “I don’t think that a throbbing nightlife is high on our list of priorities right now, Desmond. What about a school for Aaron?”

“Elementary and middle school. The high school’s in the next town over but there’s a bus. Here, I’ve got some pictures somewhere.”

He grabbed the camera from where he’d been showing Claire and Kate the pictures from the latest Hume family sailing trip and quickly clicked backwards through them until he found what he was looking for.

“I swear that the weather wasn’t always gloomy,” he said. “We did have quite a bit of sun, I just never managed to take any pictures whilst it was out.”

It did look like just the kind of place that Claire was hoping to find. A sleepy town on the coast near to the ocean that she missed so much, without the madness and chaos of New York.

“What are they like with strangers?” she asked. “I know that small towns can have that kind of mentality sometimes. They don’t like incomers.”

“Well, they were perfectly welcoming to me and Pen and Charlie,” Desmond said. “I don’t think it’s that small a town. It just feels like it’s tiny in comparison to New York. I think you’d get on well there, all three of you.”

“That may be, Desmond, but remember that we’re not exactly the same kind of traditional nuclear family that you, Penny and Charlie are.”

“You’ll be fine,” Desmond said. “Honestly. Look, why don’t you just go for a visit? There’s a nice inn there; stay for a couple of days, say that you’re looking at moving to the area and you want to get a feel for the place. If you don’t like it, or if you don’t feel that the locals are going to be welcoming or accepting, then you don’t have to go there. It’s just a suggestion.”

Claire thought about it for a long time.

“No, I think that’s a good idea. We wouldn’t move to somewhere without doing any reconnaissance first.”

“I’m sure you’ll like it. I have a sixth sense about these things, you know.”

Claire laughed. “Don’t tell me, you’ve already seen a flash of the future with us living in Storybrooke happily ever after.”

“No. The flashes are a thing of the past now, pun unintended. Just call it a hunch.”

Claire continued to flick through the photos. A lot of them were of Penny and Charlie in various places around the town, but there were some of the scenery as well, and a few did even have sunny skies in the background. It was as good a place as any to start their search for a new home.

Roger Berlind, 90, Dies; Broadway Impresario Who Amassed 25 Tonys Roger Berlind, who produced or co-produced greater than 100 performs and musicals on Broadway, together with such vital and box-office hits as “The E-book of Mormon,” “Expensive Evan Hansen,” “Metropolis of Angels” and revivals of “Guys and Dolls” and “Kiss Me, Kate,” died on Dec. 18 at his residence in Manhattan. He was 90. His household stated the trigger was cardiopulmonary arrest. Throughout a four-decade profession within the theater, Mr. Berlind backed a few of the most unique work on Broadway and amassed an astonishing 25 Tony Awards, one of many largest hauls on document. (Hal Prince, one other prodigious Tony-winning producer, collected 21.) Mr. Berlind helped convey buoyant musicals to the stage, just like the smash 1992 revival of “Guys and Dolls” with Nathan Lane, in addition to refined literate dramas, like the unique 1984 manufacturing of “The Actual Factor,” Tom Stoppard’s dazzling exploration of the character of affection and honesty. “The Actual Factor” swept the Tonys, successful for finest play and finest director (Mike Nichols) and garnering high appearing awards for Jeremy Irons, Glenn Shut and Christine Baranski. His path to Broadway was oblique. In a position to play the piano by ear, he fancied himself a songwriter, however his dream of creating a dwelling that approach fell flat and he went to work on Wall Road. He was a companion at a brokerage agency when tragedy struck: His spouse and three of his 4 youngsters had been killed in an airliner crash at Kennedy Worldwide Airport. Inside days, he resigned from his agency. “The entire thought of constructing a enterprise and making a living didn’t make sense anymore,” he informed The New York Occasions in 1998. “There was no extra financial motivation.” After a interval within the wilderness, he discovered his strategy to Broadway, which helped him rebuild his life and set up a complete new profession. “The numerous factor about Roger is that he made an unbelievable turnaround,” Brook Berlind, his second spouse, stated in a cellphone interview. “His life was totally bifurcated by the accident,” she stated. “There was Act I and Act II. I don’t suppose many different individuals might have gone on to such success after such disaster.” Success on Broadway got here slowly. Mr. Berlind’s first manufacturing, in 1976, was the disastrous “Rex,” a Richard Rodgers musical (with lyrics by Sheldon Harnick) about Henry VIII, which the Occasions theater critic Clive Barnes stated “has nearly every little thing not going for it.” Because it occurred, the music of Mr. Rodgers bookended Mr. Berlind’s profession. His final present, of which he was one in all a number of producers, was the darkly reimagined Tony-winning 2019 revival of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” (That present made Broadway historical past when the actress Ali Stroker grew to become the primary one who makes use of a wheelchair to win a Tony.) After “Rex,” Mr. Berlind co-produced six different exhibits earlier than he had his first hit with the unique 1980 manufacturing of “Amadeus,” during which a mediocre composer burns with jealousy over the genius of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The play, written by Peter Shaffer, directed by Peter Corridor and starring Ian McKellen and Tim Curry, took residence a number of Tonys, together with finest play. Two extra successes rapidly adopted: “Refined Women,” a 1981 revue with music by Duke Ellington; and “9,” a 1982 musical primarily based on the Fellini movie “8½” a few tortured movie director going through skilled and romantic crises. Alongside the way in which had been loads of flops. Producing on Broadway is all the time dangerous, with no surefire system for successful. It grew to become much more difficult within the late twentieth century, as theater individuals migrated to Hollywood, labor and promoting prices soared and excessive ticket costs discouraged audiences. Getting exhibits off the bottom required an increasing number of producers to pool their assets, and even then they had been unlikely to recoup their investments. Certainly one of Mr. Berlind’s achievements was staying within the sport. Regardless of the challenges, he took probabilities on exhibits as a result of he believed in them, and since he might afford to lose as usually as he gained. “I do know it’s not price it economically,” he informed The Occasions in 1998. “However I really like theater.” His successes included “Proof,” “Doubt,” “The Historical past Boys,” the 2012 revival of “Demise of a Salesman” with Philip Seymour Hoffman and the 2017 revival of “Howdy, Dolly!” with Bette Midler. Scott Rudin, who produced about 30 exhibits with Mr. Berlind, stated that Mr. Berlind was propelled by “monumental fortitude and persistence.” “He was not dissuaded by the obstacles that dissuaded different individuals,” Mr. Rudin stated in an electronic mail. “He had monumental positivity, which is way, rather more uncommon than you would possibly suppose.” That grew to become evident after the terrorist assaults of Sept. 11, 2001, when Broadway went darkish for 48 hours, an indication of the financial uncertainty that hung over the town. On the time, Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani urged theaters to reopen rapidly, and so they did. However a half-dozen exhibits closed, and one on the verge of doing so was “Kiss Me, Kate,” during which Mr. Berlind had been deeply concerned and of which he was enormously fond. He was enthralled with Cole Porter’s music, and every little thing within the present had clicked. The winner of 5 Tonys, together with finest revival of a musical, “Kate” had been operating for practically two years and was not scheduled to shut till Dec. 30, 2001. However due to a pointy drop in ticket gross sales, the manufacturing was going to shut early. A cut-off date of Sept. 23 was introduced. Simply earlier than the curtain rose on what was purported to have been the ultimate efficiency, Mr. Berlind, a modest man who evinced little of the showmanship typical within the theater, took to the stage. He held the closing discover in his hand and ripped it up. “The present will go on,” he declared, to an already emotional viewers. The forged and crew had agreed to quit 25 p.c of their pay and to donate one other 25 p.c to purchase tickets to the present for rescue employees. The transfer allowed “Kate” to maintain operating till its scheduled Dec. 30 closing. “That was my Merrick second,” Mr. Berlind later informed The Guardian of London, referring to David Merrick, one in all Broadway’s famously outsize showmen. The Guardian went on to reward Mr. Berlind’s exuberant London manufacturing of “Kate,” which opened that October, as “an emblem of the indomitability and charm underneath strain of a neighborhood, certainly a metropolis, that has been reeling since 11 September.” Roger Stuart Berlind was born on June 27, 1930, in Brooklyn to Peter Berlind, a hospital administrator, and Mae (Miller) Berlind, an novice painter who gave portray classes whereas elevating her 4 sons. The household moved to Woodmere, on Lengthy Island, when Roger was 3. He attended Woodmere Academy and went on to Princeton, the place he majored in English. His campus life revolved across the theater. He joined the Triangle Membership, which performs student-written comedies, and Theatre Intime, a student-run theatrical group. Years later, in 1998, he donated $3.5 million to construct the 350-seat Roger S. Berlind Theater as a part of an enlargement of Princeton’s McCarter Theater. After graduating in 1952, he joined the Military and served within the Counterintelligence Corps in Germany. At one level he was on a troop ship with Buck Henry, the comedian actor and author who died this yr, and the 2 usually created exhibits for the troopers. When Mr. Berlind returned to New York in 1954, he was decided to change into a songwriter. “He liked the big-band music of the ’40s, he might play nearly any tune from the American songbook and he had a fantastic reminiscence for lyrics,” his son William stated in a cellphone interview. His personal tunes ran to the straightforward and nostalgic, as mirrored by their titles, “Lemon Drop Girlfriend” and “Isn’t It a Rainbow Day?” amongst them. However Tin Pan Alley was uninterested, and, needing a job, Mr. Berlind was pointed by pals to Wall Road. “I had by no means had an economics course in faculty,” he informed Playbill in 2005, “and I had 26 or 28 interviews earlier than anybody would rent me.” He labored for 4 years at an funding home, then in 1960 co-founded a brokerage agency, Carter, Berlind, Potoma & Weill, which went by varied iterations till it was acquired by American Specific in 1981. His companions alongside the way in which included Sanford I. Weill, who grew to become chairman and chief govt of Citigroup, and Arthur Levitt Jr., the longer term chairman of the Securities and Alternate Fee. It was a heady time for Mr. Berlind. However on June 24, 1975, his world stopped. He had gone to the airport that day to fulfill his spouse, Helen Polk (Clark) Berlind, and three of their youngsters — Helen, 12; Peter, 9; and Clark, 6 — who had been returning to New York from New Orleans after visiting Helen Berlind’s mom in Mississippi. Whereas on strategy to Kennedy in a extreme storm, the Boeing 727, Japanese Air Strains Flight 66, was swept down by a wind shear and crashed, killing 113 of the 124 individuals on board, together with Mr. Berlind’s household. Their son William, 2, was at residence in Manhattan along with his nurse on the time. As he grew up, he had unresolved points round what had occurred. “Roger was so broken by the accident that he didn’t spend as a lot time with William on this topic as he might have,” Ms. Berlind, who married Mr. Berlind in 1979, stated. Lastly, a psychiatrist informed Mr. Berlind that he wanted to reply William’s questions, even when he requested the identical factor time and again. Ultimately, this proved therapeutic for each father and son. “He was current and robust for me,” stated William Berlind, a former reporter at The New York Observer and author for The New York Occasions Journal, who adopted his father to Broadway and collaborated with him on a number of exhibits. “He was marked by the tragedy,” he added, “nevertheless it didn’t eat him, and he persevered.” Along with his spouse and son, Mr. Berlind is survived by two granddaughters and a brother, Alan. In time, pals related Mr. Berlind with individuals within the theater, and he was quickly immersing himself in the complete strategy of placing on a present. He had a fame for usually being extra aware than many producers about not interfering with the inventive course of. However Mr. Berlind all the time insisted that the work he backed have benefit. Whereas he stored a chilly eye on the underside line, he may very well be seduced by sheer artistry. “He had been a tricky and profitable businessman, however in his theater life he was besotted by expertise, and that’s what he invested in,” Rocco Landesman, who produced “Guys and Dolls,” “Kiss Me, Kate” and “Proof” with him, stated in an electronic mail. “He liked his flops nearly as a lot as his hits,” Mr. Landesman added. “And every time one in all his exhibits closed, Roger was ‘accessible’ once more.” Supply hyperlink #Amassed #Berlind #Broadway #Dies #Impresario #Roger #Tonys

This segment features artists who have submitted their tracks/videos to She Makes Music. If you would like to be featured here then please send an e-mail to [email protected]. We look forward to hearing from you!

Dahlia

Dahlia is an Edinburgh-based singer-songwriter and the music she creates is a hybrid of trip-hop, R&B and witch house with lyrics which focus on mental health and bizarre life experiences. Alongside Jordan Russell-Hall on production and Jamie Clapton on drums and live arrangements they are influenced by the forward thinking sounds and attitudes of FKA Twigs, SOPHIE and Young Fathers. Dahlia has just released the double single 'Clarity' / 'Slip Slowly' and here is what she had to say on the offering: "I chose to release these two songs together because they are bookends to a time in my life when I was learning how to identify toxic behaviours in others and unlearn them in myself—shout out to the queens of boundaries themselves Florence Given and Michelle Elman for that one. Opening up dialogues about mental health is something that’s very important to me and my music and these songs demonstrate that. I grew up singing Gaelic folk songs. I’ve found this style of singing and the storytelling style of songwriting has woven it’s way into my current way of working. I’m also heavily influenced by late ‘90s and early 2000s sounds and aesthetics like Portishead but also more contemporary sounds like FKA Twigs and Sevdaliza. These two songs are a marriage of all these things with a little Dido drama at the end for good measure." Listen below.

Gillian Stone

Gillian Stone is a Toronto-based multi-instrumentalist who aims to reconcile tenderness and dark emotion in her work. Her music is an exploration of inner and outer landscapes, turbulent feelings, recovery, and the juxtaposition of femininity and imperfection. She uses vulnerability to create a safe space to explore the dichotomy of beauty and discomfort. Her background in jazz and ethnomusicology has heavily influenced her work. Her upbringing on Vancouver Island also led her to Coast Salish hip hop and the soundscape and scene of the Cascadian bioregion. Stone uses an interdisciplinary approach to explore disparate genres in order to produce a singular sonic environment. New song 'Bridges' is the soundscape of recovery. "I wrote this song in 2009 after a summer of self-imposed turbulence," says Gillian. "I don't remember exactly when or how I wrote it, but it stayed with me and became predictive. For over a decade, I've returned to it as a space to safely express shame. Now it's morphing into a reminder, a call for self-temperance. I'm still discovering what it means. 'Bridges' follows a journey of dysregulated emotions exacerbated by alcohol abuse. The e-cello movement is meant to evoke the feeling of losing one's mind. This is a post-rock night song that ends with a promise of the sun." Listen below.

Gillian Stone · Bridges

Jenna Kearns

Jenna Kearns is a disabled songwriter from South Wales. She has rheumatoid arthritis and spent a lot of time as a young child in and out of hospital, having treatments, tests and operations. She grew up and has lived in a small town most of her life. "I’ve always had music in my life in one way or another but when I was younger it was musical theatre," says Jenna. "It was while studying at university that my passion for writing songs became my main focus." She worked with a songwriter/producer in Leamington Spa and it was there she wrote her first EP Time Has Passed which was released in July 2016. Last year in 2019 the title track of the EP was used on the TV show Dance Moms. During lockdown since March she has been writing nonstop with different songwriters/producers. "I now have such an incredible team behind me that I’m very excited for the near future as a disabled artist," she says. "Personally for me being a disabled artist in the industry who cannot get out of her wheelchair the biggest challenge has really been access into studios/songwriting spaces. The studio I worked with on my first EP wasn’t accessible however it was a simple fix they had someone build ramps for me to be able to access the parts of the studio needed." 'Thank you' is the latest single from Jenna. Co-written with and produced by hotly tipped singer/songwriter Joe Dolman, 'Thank You' is a new spin on the damaging effects of toxic relationships.  Offering a positive outlook on this negative experience, the song thanks someone for showing their true intentions. "This year during my 8 months of shielding, I've been writing loads, creating an identity and really honing in on my sound and skills. Part of what makes me unique is being a female disabled artist, having a physical disability people don't see that much disability representation within the music industry, physical disabilities even less so. Talking about disabled creatives or in my case disabled artist will push forward barriers, because I  simply do not want to be seen as just the disabled girl, but want to find those who are about inclusivity and talent." Listen to 'Thank You' below.

Jenna Kearns · Thank You - Next Single 13th november

Total Brutal

Total Brutal is the new indie pop solo project from Los Angeles based singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Emily Moore. Moore is known as a professional touring musician, having shared the stage with the likes of Grammy award-winning band FUN, Børns, Ella Vos, X Ambassadors and many more. With the goal of spreading positivity and self-empowerment, Total Brutal has an ethos of standing up for yourself in order to be heard and seen, facing fears head on and being comfortable in your own skin. Her latest single 'Egypt' is an 80’s tinged song, reminiscent of Phoenix meets Fleetwood Mac. Oozing with soaring harmonies and warm, muted vocals, the funk-fueled track shimmers brightly, creating the ultimate dance-worthy anthem. 'Egypt' narrates trying to get the feeling back of being a kid and the excitement of what the future holds. Nowadays we live in fear of the uncertainty, wanting to bury our heads and hide ourselves away. Moore confides, “I constantly need to remind myself to play more and lighten up. It’s easy to get lost in the seriousness of life but I want to go through life having fun and viewing everything with curiosity.” The sun-soaked track succeeds in lifting spirits, certain to put a smile on your face from the very get go. Inspired by strong female artists, Total Brutal is determined to help other young women make their worth known and their voices heard. She shares, “It took me a really long time to understand that I am allowed to speak up, have opinions and speak directly. I’m starting to realize that I can be myself and be liked and professional all the same. I want to help foster that adventurous spirit and confidence in young women!” Listen to 'Egypt' below.

Total Brutal · Egypt

Kate Boothman

Hailing from The Ganaraska Forest in Southern Ontario, horse trainer turned singer-songwriter, Kate Boothman, emerges with her forthcoming sophomore record, My Next Mistake this fall. Recorded at producer, Thomas Knox D’Arcy’s, Taurus Recording, over 2 snowy weeks in January, 2019, Kate and Thom made what they referred to in the studio as a “massage rock” record. Writing as they went, Kate and Thom’s life-long friendship enabled them to tuck into their shadows. This provided them with instant fodder for the moody narrative that Kate delivers as part prayer, part animal, and entirely her own. This sits nicely against the sweeping strings, heavy bass, twangy guitars, organ swells and sometimes thunderous drums that make the trippy washed out folk scape reminiscent of something Lee Hazelwood would have dreamed up with the help of Mazzy Star. Latest single '17' "is one of those songs that emerged fully formed," says Kate. "It's about that confidence and arrogance that comes with being a spicy youth, and then all of a sudden you're an adult and you realize you knew nothing. You look back and can't help but examine everything you've learned and lost. I wrote '17' after a particularly heavy day during a particularly heavy time in my life. I was overworked, overwhelmed, underslept, heartbroken, and generally confused. I got home late, laid down on the floor, and when I got up, wrote the song in 20 minutes. My songs come fast, but they build up slowly. Festering away inside until they simply can't be contained." Listen below.

Kate Boothman · 17

Clara Byrne

Clara Byrne is a socialist singer-songwriter from Bray. She seeks her lyrical inspiration in the world around her and seeks solitude from that world in the music she creates. 'Conflict Bound' is her first single from her upcoming debut album Handstitched. Clara on 'Conflict Bound': "In a world filled with juxtaposed opinions and clashing ideals, it is getting progressively harder to know where to stand. It can be nearly impossible not to get bogged down in fighting the opposition or slaving towards winning small mercies. It all seems so vast, so utterly impossible to grasp. But there are rare occasions when a clearing appears through the density. These moments when everything is laid out in its most digestible form, is worth waiting for. The woods briefly comes into view and with it a sense that it is all so obvious.We cannot go on like this, in this pressure cooker waiting to be boiled alive. We are heading towards a grand finale; the likes of which mankind has never seen before. As we navigate through the late stages of capitalism, its true face appears clearer now than ever before; we the people are expendable. And like the true dying beast that it is, it will not go down easy. It will not go down alone. Don’t let it’s dying cries drown out what has become clear to you; we’re conflict bound." Listen below.

Conflict Bound by Clara Byrne

Just Costa

For Just Costa, music is just the ticket — to their own sonic theme park. "We call it Just Costa Land," quips Jesse Just Costa, who leads the Montreal outfit with sister Juliana. "We want to bring the sense of an amusement park to our music. The excitement, the enthusiasm, the joie de vivre; that's what we're bringing to life." They have all the building blocks they need. First and foremost are their vocals: Hers clear, supple and sweetly flowing, his lightly sanded and breezy. They blend with the grace and beauty of siblings who finish each other's sentences. Then there are the songs: Richly melodic, lyrically life-affirming and — most crucially — irresistibly groovy. Laced with Jesse's tasteful guitar work, crafted from an amalgam of contemporary R&B, soul, funk, pop and more, their tracks can hold their own next to hits from Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson and Khalid. Enjoy the ride. "'514' is our ode to the beautiful city of Montreal," say the dup of their latest single. "Our hometown's energy is creative and electric. The people are kind and open – you can feel the joie de vivre in the air, especially in the summertime. If your city inspires you, pushes you to open your heart and do better, then this song is for you. This is our first fully self-produced single, recorded in our own studio, with some help from the retro synth wizard himself, Paul Shrofel. The beauty of a song about a city is that everyone has their own unique stories and experiences within that city. Montreal has no lack of open-mindedness, artsiness, or beautiful people, and this city is an ongoing narrative that threads through the story of our own lives."

Just Costa · 514

Loopy.

Andy Siara, writer of time-loop romcom Palm Springs, talks to Ella Kemp about having one foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave, and the expansive magic of being a ‘desert person’.

If you could re-live a perfect day again and again, would you do it? Would you be alone, or would it be better if your favorite person in the world was with you? Would the endless company, repetitive and increasingly claustrophobic, make you snap?

There’s a reason that time-loop movies tend to favor loners: watch as the hapless hero has to figure out the meaning of life! Harold Ramis’ 1993 comedy Groundhog Day is the gold standard for the device—Bill Murray trapped in a bizarre national holiday that’s become a universal adjective (which feels especially apt now). But Palm Springs, the new film from The Lonely Island comedy team, finds a way to dismantle the genre, play around with the ingredients, and cook up something entirely new.

There is still a time loop, we’re all still stuck, but here’s the thing: we’re stuck with two people now. Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti are wedding guests Nyles and Sarah—he, someone’s random boyfriend people pretend to know; she, the reluctant maid of honor and sister of the bride. Through one freak twist of fate involving a cave, they end up reliving the same wedding day, taking advantage of the daily ‘reset’ to throw as much life at the wall as they can, while probing every possible escape route.

It’s a first for the genre, and a first film for the writer-director team (Samberg produces the film alongside his Lonely Island brothers Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer, who have years of glorious Saturday Night Live sketches and comedy specials under their belts). Director Max Barbakow cut his teeth making short films for the past decade—just like his closest collaborator, debut feature screenwriter Andy Siara.

Barbakow and Siara developed the story together over five years, and then Siara turned it into the fast-paced, razor-sharp, at once feather-light and often deeply moving script that became Palm Springs.

Cristin Milioti and Andy Samberg in ‘Palm Springs’.

A quick scan of Letterboxd activity finds plenty of fans already. Jacob recognizes the paradoxical brilliance of the film, calling it a “high-concept romcom that wears its influences on its sleeve”, while still praising how it’s “so smart moment to moment that it absolutely feels like its own original story”. What makes this so special, so fresh—a movie about one day on repeat, released during, you know, a global pandemic, that neat event that makes so many homebound days blur into one—is just how much heart it has. “The little moments, the little cues, the timing,” Neema Sadeghi points out. “Everything felt so right and my heart was so so warmed.”

The following interview contains discussion of plot points and soundtrack choices, and has been edited for clarity.

Could you tell me about your relationship with Groundhog Day, before and after writing Palm Springs? Andy Siara: Before and after, I still consider it one of the greatest, if not the greatest comedy of all time. Doing a time-loop thing in this movie was never initially the idea, five years ago when Max and I first started talking about it. It organically evolved to that point. What was helpful to me was thinking about how at the end of Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character figures out the meaning of life, to a point, and it ends with the time loop breaking. In our film, Nyles figures out whatever he thinks the meaning of life is, and at the end, nope, the time loop doesn’t break, you’re still stuck here for eternity. So then what do you do? That became the jumping off point. Palm Springs is potentially a sequel to a movie that doesn’t exist, and that helped free myself of repeating too much of what the time-loop genre, and especially Groundhog Day, has done so well.

If the time loop wasn’t the starting point, what was? Nyles. Max and I knew we wanted to do a tiny-budget movie in Palm Springs. We didn’t know what that was, but the first idea was of this character of Nyles. We never outlined anything, so we let the character lead the way. In doing that, I got a full grasp of who he is on a deep level and everything else built from there. We never once were like, “This is a wedding time-loop romcom about two lost souls!” Max and I joked that the earlier version of this was our version of Leaving Las Vegas. The story grew from Nyles, thinking: ‘What is the best way to deeply challenge this flawed character?’ And that’s where we came up with Sarah, who became even more fully realized. And the best way to challenge her was Nyles. Putting those two characters together and seeing the friction it causes, the story grew around that.

Their dynamic, and the film more broadly, feels very philosophical. I’m thinking of a line like “Your best bet is to learn to suffer existence”. When you were writing, were there any conscious thinkers you wanted to incorporate? Max and I talked a lot about Albert Camus, and Jorge Luis Borges… but when I got to actually writing, Max gave me his copy of Be Here Now by Ram Dass. His copy, when he gave it to me, had over 100 Post-it notes. We’d talked in abstract ways in a philosophical sense, about individuation and what not. But every day before writing I’d take Be Here Now and open up at any page, read a page to kickstart the day. I think even that idea of suffering existence, that might actually be in Be Here Now…

Quyen Tran (operating camera) and director Max Barbakow (right) on the set of ‘Palm Springs’.

It felt so refreshing to see these characters delivering such epic lines seriously, but the film never becomes somber or dramatic. It stays light. Comedy is balanced with sincere emotion so well—especially when it comes to romance. In a scene outside the cave, when Nyles is giving his big speech, he says, “I’d rather die with you than live in this world without you.” Reading this out of context, it could be from an epic romance. How did you manage to marry the wit with such big feelings? That is one of the lines that, read out of context, could feel heavy-handed, so I appreciate that! From the get-go, it was important to set the tone of this movie, that we will never take ourselves too seriously. Max and I would joke about having one foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave, being able to go from slapstick to serious was always an important tonal shift for us. There’s a silliness to the movie, and so therefore with those lines, my hope is that even in reading the script, by the time you get to a line like that, you as a reader would know what Nyles is like in your mind. Also, I credit Andy Samberg for knowing how to deliver lines like that without them feeling cheesy. When we first met Andy and the Lonely Island guys, he understood this character, by the end better than I did. The character was just words on a page, a figure that existed in my mind. He created this character.

What did you learn from working with the Lonely Island guys, in terms of taking inspiration from their comedy experience while creating something brand new? By the time it got to them, the script was finished to a point that I was happy with. But Max and I didn’t know that much! So those three guys, and Becky Sloviter who was the producer for them, they know so much more than we did. We were able to not only on the practical side make people want to make this movie, but also on the other side, I’d say primarily in third-act stuff, they helped me dig deeper, and find a satisfying conclusion to the movie where the earlier version of the script just wasn’t as satisfying—you still got to the point, but we were able to mess with the mechanics a little bit more. And they got me to dig deeper on the science part too, where I let this journey into the subconscious via a Jungian, individuation approach maybe take hold a little too much!

I’m not very familiar with Palm Springs as a place. What was the appeal to build everything around this specific location? Both Max and I grew up in Southern California, and since the late 1980s I’ve been going to Palm Springs every year—my aunt had a condo out there. The place is a primarily LA retreat, with golf courses and retirement communities. Over the years, it’s just become a place for a lot of weddings to happen. So there’s that side, my own personal history of having seen the change and having gone there so many times over the past 34 years. I remember camping trips to Joshua Tree [National Park]—and I also got married in Palm Springs and went out to countless friends’ weddings there. But then also, I think there are mountain people, desert people, city people. I think I’m a desert person. There’s this mass openness that I find has a magical quality to it. Even if I don’t believe in magic, there’s somehow a magical solitude that comes in the desert. And there’s all sorts of literature, even going into pseudo-science, that is centered around the desert. Specifically the one surrounding Palm Springs.

Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti in ‘Palm Springs’.

It feels like a blank canvas on which anything can happen—and if anything, having more space can make you more anxious about being trapped there. I agree. And I had written two Gram Parsons songs into the script, and he was also drawn to the desert in the 1970s, [the] Joshua Tree area. He wrote a lot there with Keith Richards. There’s some kind of draw to the desert that I don’t totally understand to be honest, it’s on a deeper subconscious level that it strikes that chord for me.

Speaking of the music, the film has so many satisfying needle drops. I’m thinking of Leonard Cohen’s ‘The Partisan’ and then Kate Bush’s ‘Cloudbusting’ in that amazing final scene. Were these written in from the start? A lot of songs were written in from the start that didn’t make it in for various reasons. ‘Cloudbusting’ came up in our first or second meeting with Andy—it was his idea and we were like, that’s perfect! Andy and Max [and I] all wanted to make sure Palm Springs didn’t use songs we had seen a million times in other movies. It was so important to us. And then we also wanted songs that spoke to a more magical quality too. I think the Leonard Cohen one was Cristin’s idea, so it was a very collaborative field, but we all knew what kind of stuff we wanted. It was about thinking, let’s try and find a sonic happy place.

What film first made you want to be a filmmaker? Jurassic Park is my number one. It made me want to do everything.

Related content

A list of films set in and around Palm Springs.

More films produced by The Lonely Island

A list of time loop, paradox and causality movies

‘Palm Springs’ is streaming on Hulu from July 10 and screening at select drive-ins. With thanks to NEON.