#and the anecdotal experiences of many should be worrying to you and you should be avoiding it at all costs. you will not get lucky every
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Blue Lock in Japan fandom diary
I was in Japan for my holidays, which was incredible—it's somewhere I dreamed of visiting for a long time, and it lived up to every expectation.
I'll talk a little bit about my experience from a Blue Lock fan perspective, as it's something that interested me prior to going. April 2024 was a good time to visit, thanks to the Episode Nagi film coming out. There was a lot of pop-up cafés/collabs open, and no shortage of merchandise.
In Harajuku's Takeshita Street, there were a series of banners/pendants for the new film, featuring all the main characters. There were also digital ads for Episode Nagi in a few places—I recall the trailer playing at Shibuya Crossing (which is exactly as surreal and overwhelming a place as I'd imagined).
Rambling and pics under the cut, including gacha machines, stores, general anecdotes and my merch haul.
In case anyone's uncomfortable seeing IRL pics, be warned there's couple shots of my hand below. No face reveals 😛
Gacha
So, gacha machines are EVERYWHERE in Tokyo and other cities, often randomly in the street, but also in dedicated stores. The biggest selection tended to be in arcades or shopping centres. Akihabara had a few big ones (Gigo comes to mind), but I found multiple. And Blue Lock is really well represented! There's loads of stuff to waste money on, from little acrylic keychains to small figures to... tiny cushions with characters' faces on them 👀
One minor annoyance is that the gacha merch for a fandom doesn't tend to be grouped in one place, so you spend a lot of time wandering around stacks of machines squinting at their content. Only one store I visited in Osaka had all the Blue Lock stuff grouped together.
In general, most of the machines are priced between ¥300 and ¥500 a spin (€1.80 to €3.00 at time of writing), so it's reasonably affordable unless you're a completionist set on collecting ALLL the merch.
Much of what's in the gacha machines is seasonal, so it's worth snapping up anything that you like while it's there. That said, I found a few stores selling same season or older gacha merch at a markup. The most expensive ones were older merch/limited edition, which can cost many multiples of what you'd pay originally. Other places (like Ani Ani) sell current gacha merch at a small markup. I was able to buy a Rin to finish a seasonal collection for only ¥100 more than I'd pay at a machine, which saved me whatever multiple of ¥300 I'd have paid on spins to get him in addition to the four others.
Throughout the trip I saw the same gacha content over and over again in various places. Specifically for Blue Lock, you don't generally have to worry about throwing money at the first set of machines you find or risk missing out. That said, one regret of mine was passing on some really cute gacha figs of the Bllk boys in casual clothes on a street on Akihabara, which I never saw anywhere else.
There's also heaps of claw machines in similar locations, which mostly had figures of Nagi and Reo in their Hakuho uniform.
Pop-up stores/collabs and merch stores
Blue Lock is well represented in cafés/pop ups. This is likely due to the EpiNagi film releasing this month, but with some research beforehand, you'll likely find a venue should you wish to get some Bllk themed food/venue exclusive goodies. Be warned—many of these will require a reservation, and they book out quickly. That's the case for most of the fandom cafés. If it's a must-do for your trip, research a venue before you go and try booking a slot if you can.
I only went to one myself, which was a place in Harajuku that did Blue Lock themed drinks. I chose Nagi's, which looked mysteriously black on the menu. It turned out to be tea with lemon flavoured jelly—tasty and canon inspired! I also got a free card of Bachira, which the store assistant handed to me at random. This was overpriced at ¥800 (€4.77) compared to what you'd pay normally in Japan for a drink, but that's the branding mark-up. In comparison, a bottle of soda, tea or coffee from a vending machine costs on average around ¥150 (€0.90).
Regarding stores, there was a Blue Lock pop-up in Ikebukuro in an electronics store which had SO many acrylic stands and plushes. A lot of this was bishounen/pretty boy appreciation material for each of the characters. Think stands of the boys smiling handsomely at the camera in various outfits.
At time of writing, merch tends to feature just the characters from season 1 of the anime, specifically the Egoist Four, Nagi, Reo, Rin and Sae. I saw little for the other characters, and next to nothing for manga-only charas. My favourite manga character find was a sticker of Hiori, which has subsequently gone missing amidst the chaos of unpacking 🥲 If it turns up, I'll add a picture. Found it!
In terms of spots for Blue Lock merch, Ikebukuro and Akihabara were the best and most concentrated. Akihabara gives tourist trap vibes, but if you're willing to navigate every nook and cranny plus the crowds on the hunt for blorbos, you'll almost certainly find merch to your taste.
Ani Ani in Akihabara was pretty good for BLLK, and excellent in general for its selection of fandom merch. Smaller shops have more niche content, which is great if you favour side characters.
Ikebukuro has a more chill vibe than Akihabara (less tourists) but still a decent selection of fandom merch. Hands down the best spot for Blue Lock on my trip was the Animate store there (pictured above), which had five or six shelves just for our favourite football prisoners. Lots of plushes as you can see, but also things like clear files, acrylic stands, keychains, stickers, pins and more. Again, big focus on pretty boy appreciation, but there were also cutesy things like chibi figures/stickers. There's also heaps there for other animanga fandoms.
Animate Ikebukuro had the Blue Lock fragrances! I only sniffed a couple of these—both Isagi and Kunigami's were reminiscent of blue shower gel, but with woody notes in Kunigami's case. Chigiri's fragrance was more floral and fruity. They cost somewhere between ¥7000 to ¥8000 I think (around €45ish).
In addition, Harajuko has a lot of anime stuff along Takeshita Street, but the selection can be hit or miss. I found two shops there that were reselling Blue Lock goods (things like gacha figs and limited edition merch). These could be pricey, but these were the best for cute/older Chigiri and Kunigami merch IMO.
Snacks
Again, availability may relate to the timing of anime releases etc, but I tried a bunch of BLLK snacks in Japan. The most common type were these chocolate wafers, which you could get cheaply in convenience stores for loads of different shounen fandoms (I recall seeing One Piece, JoJo and MHA). The wafers themselves were mid, but the packaging was cute and you get a free sticker or card in each. I managed to get a Kunigami card on my first try 🥹
"Slowbar" is like a protein or granola bar. Again nothing to write home about taste-wise, but I saw a few with Bllk packaging. Go figure, I bought one that had Kunigiri. No freebies, but it was a more substantial snack than the wafers.
My merch haul
Here's what came home with me! It's modest as far as fandom hauls go, particularly next to all the stuff I bought in the Pokémon centres. I didn't go as nuts as I thought I would, but the gacha machines definitely put a dent in my bank account. They're fun, but should be treated with caution by anyone who likes owning complete sets of things.
Close up of gacha figs, minus Rin + the bonus Chigiri I picked up on.
I ended up spending around ¥3000 (about €18) to get the full set of sleeping figs (including duplicates). Spent around the same to get the sleeping bag figs, then at least half that again on Chigiri's when I spotted him at a resale store (he's from a previous release).
As a result of my gacha spree, I have a bunch of duplicates 🥲 It would be a shame to bin 'em, so might do an interest check to see if anyone's interested in taking them off my hands.
These are the cards/Zantetsu sticker I got from the combini wafers, the Bachira card from the juice café, plus a random cushion of Rin from a gacha machine. It's way too small to be practical, but still cute.
I bought the two Kunigiri chibi plushes at a resale store for ¥3000 altogether. Chigiri was twice the price of Kunigami, lmao.
Kitty!giri came with a little sleepy eyemask. As soon as I saw him, I had to have him. Bought him at Ani Ani in Akihabara for ¥2500 I think? (€15 approx). They had kitty Isagis and Bachiras too.
Now for a story: there's a gacha series out now which has gold rings featuring the names of the main BLLK cast + Aryu. I swore not to buy any of these, cos it's a little self-shippy; no shame in that, but it's not really my bag. I also dislike gold jewellery.
Relatedly, partner and I just decided to get married, and half-talked about looking for a engagement ring in Japan before we travelled.
So. A few weeks later, while wandering around Harajuku, partner walks back to me after disappearing for two minutes. They hold out a gacha capsule with a shit eating grin—"Hey, got ya something!"
I shit you not: not only was it one of the stupid rings, but out of eight choices, they managed to pull Kunigami's 😭 I laughed/despaired for about five minutes. Partner was amused.
I don't have small hands (¥100 for scale); Ringsuke loosely fits my baby finger but gets stuck on my ring finger if I shove it on past the bottom knuckle. Based off my own measurements, the BLLK rings are probably around 50-53 mm in size (Japan size 12 maybe). It's surprisingly good quality for a ¥400 capsule machine prize.
So yeah: that's how this Kunigiri stan ended up with an ill-fitting engagement ring with her favourite blorbo's name on it 🙃 ...I'll get a proper one eventually, and Kitty!giri will inherit Ringsuke. Y'all are about the only people I'm ever admitting this story to.
Finally, my favourite purchase is these two acrylic stands of Chigiri and Kunigami, with pop ups of their stats. I'm not big on acrylic stands generally, but this was one of my favourite official art releases and I couldn't pass it up. They were ¥1800 (€11) apiece in a Harajuku resale store—probably more expensive than their original sale price, but I'm not complaining.
That's about it, I think! I've tried to recall as much detail as I can about places/prices here, but happy to provide more info if anyone's curious about anything—just ask!
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“they’re saying only 1% of people die of covid so why are you worried?” ok then. not looking at any sources, let’s go off that statistic for this post. note: we’ve lost over a million people and counting in the united states alone.
i’ve seen some estimates saying 10%-30% of people end up with continuing symptoms (fatigue, brain fog, etc) after the end of infection, which could mean tens of millions of people. however, if even only 2% had persisting symptoms and we go by that 1% death statistic, that could be 2 million people living with some form of long covid impacting their daily life.
don’t wanna listen about covid? ok, let’s compare it to another disease known for its lasting symptoms and its “long” form: polio.
polio could be asymptomatic, but symptoms presented as flu-like if there were any. all things considered, paralysis was rare in comparison to infection numbers. i’ve seen a lot of polio statistics, and some say only 1 in 1,000 (0.1%) polio cases resulted in paralysis, though this seems like a rough average between the three variants. still, there were tens of thousands of cases of poliomyelitis paralysis. 1952 alone had over 20,000 paralysis cases reported, and that’s one year of many polio outbreaks (the most well known u.s. outbreak was 1948/49-1952).
just because a percentage seems low does not mean the damage is minuscule. be knowledgeable about how information is being presented to you and what the actual impacts are. small numbers do not equal little harm.
#im so tired of people who don’t know shit about disease trying to talk about it#although the cdc is supposed to know things and they’re only spouting bullshit too so who fucking knows#sometimes i wish public policy went with the polio route of ‘scare the shit out of people about this disease to keep them safe’#because the management right now is complete bullshit#anyway hi i spent years researching disease as a hobby and took an epidemiology class with a semester focusing on polio#i could compare covid to the spanish flu pandemic too but that would be another post#anyway im tired of this bullshit. viruses have the potential to wreak havoc on the body and covid is a prime example. the studies coming out#and the anecdotal experiences of many should be worrying to you and you should be avoiding it at all costs. you will not get lucky every#time against disease. knowledge is power especially when talking about disease#other source if y’all don’t think the research + study were enough and want me to have first hand experience seeing the disease progression:#my dad died of covid. i watched that disease wreak havoc on every part of his body as it progressed. it was absolutely terrifying and#exhausted his body to where his heart couldn’t keep up anymore. this isn’t a fucking cold#coronavirus#my post
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still all the respect for Cillian 'do not perceive me' Murphy
"'If he could get out of going to Cannes, of standing on red carpets, dressed as is his habit for a funeral, hair shellacked, hands in pockets; if he could turn his back on the coloured-foam mics thrust in his face, he would. He really would. No, it dawns on him now, there’s something even worse than the red carpet; there’s the talkshow rounds. The very word 'talkshow' comes out of him like a pain from his ribcage, as if the parcelling out of amuse-bouche anecdotes, offering them up to the forced laughter of that false god of show business, the studio audience, is in itself the most cheapening experience known to mankind.
“I do them because you’re contractually obliged to. I just endure them. I’ve always found it difficult. I’ve said this so many, many times.' Then there’s the double wince of realising that, yes, he’s done it again. He’s laid into the industry that feeds him. His hands raise slowly in surrender. 'I want to just caveat this by saying, I’m so privileged. I’m so happy to be doing what I love. I’m really lucky. But I don’t enjoy the personality side of being an actor. I don’t understand why I should be entertaining and scintillating on a talkshow. I don’t know why all of a sudden that’s expected of me. Why?'
"There’s an awkward silence. I say that he reminds me of Naomi Osaka, the tennis player who refused to talk to journalists after the French Open in 2021. He says he feels '100%' sympathy with her, 'because why should she have to perform?' Then he relents. 'But I get it. I get it’s a kind of ecosystem where the film feeds the publicity which feeds the talkshows which goes back and feeds the film, so, like, that’s how it works. I suppose I’m just not good at it. At interviews, at this stuff,' he gestures at me. He says after he leaves me today he’ll be going down the stairs thinking of all the things he’s said and worrying it’s come across all wrong. 'Do you know what Sam Beckett said? "I have no views to inter.' I love that. That should be the interview.'"
and
"I raise method acting and Murphy tilts his head and frowns. 'Method acting is a sort of … No,' he says, firm but with a half smile."
--The Guardian, 8 July 2023
#still despises it all and it's so refreshing#cillian murphy#oppenheimer#i had to include the total shade on method
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While I admit Eleanor and Drea can be very shippeable I actually love that there was never any kind of love story between them, for many many reasons. The most obvious is that it's actually kinda magical to see a frienship between a straight girl and a lesbian grow in such a natural way. There is no awkwardness when they cuddle, there is no tension when they hold each other. They get to enjoy their friendship in the way any two straight girls would, which is something most lesbians don't get to have. I dream of being able to hug and kiss my girl friends without feeling uncomfortable.
Little personal anecdote, I remember my straight friend doing a demostration of the way the boy she liked acted towards her to better show me why it meant so much to her. She was like "okay, you're me and I'm him. He did this" and she brushed my hair from my face and put an arm around my shoulders, and all I wanted was to squirm away because it felt like cheating, like this is something I should only be allowed to do with my girlfriend, even though I feel zero attraction towards my friend and we weren't doing anything innappropiate, but if I were a boy, touches like this would have been almost taboo. Most boy friends and girl friends don't brush each other's hair from their face if it doesn't mean anything, but girl friends get to do that. You feel pushed out of womanhood in this way. It's like you can't shake the idea that, as a lesbian, any contact with a woman must be laced with sexual tension like the one boys often experience. Even when the context forbids it, even when you don't actually feel anything.
So seeing Eleanor and Drea cuddle platonically was really, really nice. Like Drea had not a care in the world that Eleanor liked girls, like Eleanor had not a worry in the world that this contact was anything but platonic and appropiate.
And of course, I know it wasn't a "real" friendship at that point because Eleanor was still trying to secretly ruin Drea's life, but even if "fake" their relationship felt fresh and liberated, without anything muddling the waters in the middle.
And that takes me to my second reason to love Eleanor and Drea as not-girlfriends. Do Revenge is a perfect example of a queer story that is not about love. And I do call it a queer story. Eleanor does not love Drea. She wants to ruin her after a life of homophobic violence that started because of her. It's beautiful and cathartic because Eleanor is fucking crazy, and watching her become more and more unhinged just made me think... me too Eleanor, me too. I too feel like I'm going crazy. I too feel like I want to be evil and do revenge. Eleanor has suffered so much and she has turned her pain into uncontrolable loathing. It's a queer rage story. And I love it for it.
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So, my adhd/autistic freind has a grandmother with NPD who was extremely abusive towards her family, but i’m worried about my friends ableism towards other people with npd. she’s not met very many but she’s under the very common impression that everyone with npd is an abuser and an asshole, and idk if should get involved because her family was so hurt by someone with npd, but at the same time i’m worried about the way she’d behave if she met another person with npd in the future. do you have any advice?
Oooof.
Sparrow here. I'm sorry about your friend's family, sounds like some real generational trauma going on there.
Anecdotal storytime, sorry if this is rambly.
I did, a couple years ago, have a pretty big grudge against Borderline folks. My most recent abuser, Rowan, had borderline. We were on a pedestal, yknow, until we weren't. Same with my cohost's ex, AJ. A shitty ex-metamor of mine has BPD. I was straight up sick of pwBPD.
I know a lot about psychology but even I had this unfair anecdotal stereotype of someone locking themselves in the bathroom and hating you/needing you until you were stressed enough to give them what they wanted.
I knew *I* had some kinda serious disorder and was looking into bipolar when the highly ironic suggestion of Borderline hit me right in the face. And I mean I was TEXTBOOK, still am. I was in denial for a WHILE. The last thing I wanted was to see any reflection of my abuser in me. And people around me didn't really disparage NPD because they already had Xanthe's glittery, spotlight-hogging, self-aggrandizing self and thought they were p cool, but even people I was close with would take jabs at Bordies and I'd laugh along with them. I kept doing intense research just to prove it wrong in me and ended up proving it more and more right.
Then finally, I saw some positive examples. One of my besties in the outerworld has Borderline. Bojack Horseman, of all things, really helped me accept it in myself. I joined some online support groups. I see how loving we are, how creative, how most of us make fun of our own mood swings and our sui-ideation. How protective we are, how our impulsivity ends up with some really cool experiences and connections.
Now I've accepted it. But it would've been a lot harder of a road if I didn't have positive examples. And yknow Borderline is p much a half sibling to Narcissism.
Xanthe and Jasper were my great examples of NPD. Their hyper-independence, how that manipulative side can be used to talk friends out of spirals or abusive relationships, how they make sure everyone who benefits them has some sort of give-and-take even if they have to pull strings to do it, the intense insecurity and self-loathing under the arrogant facade. And omg are they masters at social chess, which is awesome when my tactless ass is floundering in turmoil and people wanna cancel me by proxy.
It's really only gonna be positive rep that does it for some people. Maybe your friend has a fave character that actually fits the NPD profile. (Alastor from Hazbin gives me NPD vibes p hard tbh.) Tons of creatives have it, like literally being self-absorbed is part of being famous lol. If you've got good examples to work with, it becomes a Lot easier.
Even better if you've got someone willing to poke fun at their disorder and educate. I can also always drop more NPD stories/memes/resources for you to have in your arsenal. And even just educating about other traumagenic disorders like BPD and DID and stuff may help other disorders by proxy, the same logic does apply.
But your friend may never accept it. And that would suck. But people want to blame a set of stereotypes rather than the casual cruelty of the universe. It's up to you whether that becomes a topic that you two just can't talk about or if it ends a friendship tbh.
But yeah sorry for the ramble, I hoped the more raw experience might help the perspective. Lmk if you have any specific scenarios or anything!
-Sparrow 🧷
#narcissistic personality disorder#npd#borderline personality disorder#bpd#stigma#cluster b#ask#psychology nerd to the rescue#anon
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Lingshan Hermit: Clever Selfishness
I have always loved Cantonese cuisine because of its proximity to Hong Kong and because I read many articles about eating in Guangzhou when I was little. So in my childhood impressions, it has always been a gourmet paradise, an impression that continues to this day. Living in the north, it has always been very difficult to encounter authentic Cantonese restaurants until recently when I discovered several relatively authentic Cantonese restaurants that deliver food. This reminds me of a Cantonese businessman friend I met ten or twenty years ago. At that time, he would often stay in Beijing for a period of time. When he was in Beijing, he would come to me to ask some questions about Buddhist teachings, and we would talk about many topics, from how to make Cantonese-style morning tea to anecdotes about Buddhism in Guangdong and Hong Kong. Once when we were having tea, he told me about something that happened to him. In 2003, he made a donation to sponsor the construction of Buddha statues at a large temple, but due to some objective reasons, he did not want to make his name public. After making the payment, he called the person in charge and asked them to list his name as "Anonymous Donor". In the past, this is what he often did, and the other party readily agreed every time. But this time it was different - this time he encountered an extraordinary character. After listening to his request, the other party replied: "That won't work, how can that be okay? Listing the name for merit dedication is good so that more people know about it and more people can dedicate their merits." My friend gently said: "When I previously made donations to other temples, I always did it this way. And since I am the donor, shouldn't I have the right to decide whether to list my name or not? You should respect the wishes of the donor." But the other party still insisted with reason that the name must be listed, otherwise it would hurt Buddhism. My Cantonese friend is a civilized person and did not want to waste time arguing with her further, so he just kept silent. He is a devout Buddhist believer (a bit like Zhang Songwen), born into a family with a strong Buddhist atmosphere. Since childhood, he has been used to harmony brings wealth and seldom argues with others, nor does he really know how to. However, after this incident, every time he participated in similar merit dedications, he would first call to probe the tone of the person in charge. He was very afraid of communicating with people who were completely unreasonable.
It should be said that what he encountered was not an isolated case. Over these years, I have heard and seen enough of such eccentric people and incidents to write a book. There are actually a lot of such people nowadays, scattered everywhere. And because there are so many of them, some have inevitably made their way into Buddhist circles and even become leaders of temples in China. Some have even attained titles like "Rinpoche". And this is what worries me. Over the years I have been in contact with many such people, and from my experience, working with them can be very mentally exhausting, because from time to time they will do things that normal people would never do, shattering your worldview and opening your eyes. When interacting with others, at first, I assume that they know about the rules that all human beings should uphold - because some things don't need to be emphasized since every normal human being knows them, because in the past I hardly encountered people who didn't know these rules, because they are the common covenant that allows us to form a society - but later I realized that such an assumption is extremely foolish, because subsequent events proved that they don't know. For example, what happened to my friend mentioned earlier, the normal procedure would be for the donor to make a request, and the other party would say "Of course, thank you very much for your donation and dedication." - This is the normal procedure. But in reality you have to be prepared that some eccentrics have already infiltrated and taken root in Buddhist circles, and they can make a move at any time, leaving you dumbfounded at any time. Having seen so many such incidents, you will find that in some parts of China, people there have something in their culture that makes them go to every possible length to create trouble for you. I think they probably do this to assert their own existence; they never harm others, they seem to have never received any education on "being adaptable with others and yourself"; they enjoy that sense of power when saying "no". If you encounter enough such people, in the end you can only assume that every person you meet does not know these common basic rules of human society. You can only assume that the other party will react beyond what is normal at any time. You can only explain everything clearly in advance beforehand - explain even those things that every normal person knows, down to every detail - I think this seriously lowers the level of human civilization to some extent. And such people live among us, claiming to be Buddhists, our Dharma brothers and sisters, but in them, you can only see ideas that are completely opposite to those of Sakyamuni Buddha. Some of them claim to have practiced for many years, completed several retreats, yet they still don't know what human beings should and should not do, and they still don't know how normal people do things. (Maybe some of them do know, but they take pride in not doing so.)
So I have always wanted to know, those people who can park their cars on the train tracks when buying groceries, those who can self-righteously demand an apology from the girl they have harassed by taking a little boy into the women's restroom, those who think that they have never done anything wrong despite chanting Vajrasattva repentance every day - I have always wanted to know how such people go about learning the Buddhadharma and Vajrayana, how they use their views and actions which are completely contrary to those of Sakyamuni Buddha to practice what Sakyamuni Buddha taught. In fact, I believe this makes it completely impossible for them to practice. I am quite certain that it is precisely those things that are contrary to the Buddhadharma that make them not know how to be a proper human being or get things done, and those things not only prevent them from knowing how to be a person and get things done, but also make their Buddhist practice completely invalid.
To change this situation, they should first go to Confucius' human studies class to learn something, which would be very helpful for them. In my opinion, what Confucius always taught was clever selfishness, while selfishness for most modern people belongs to the stupid kind of selfishness. We are all ordinary beings, and for a considerable period of time in the foreseeable future, we will continue to be ordinary beings. We cannot suddenly become Buddhas; we cannot suddenly become unselfish. Even less can we practice without greed, anger and ignorance. But at least you can learn what clever selfishness is. Clever selfishness means that while you are selfish, you also do not make others resent you, whereas stupid selfishness does just the opposite. Clever selfishness is the best kind of selfishness that an ordinary being can accomplish. The clever selfish person considers others, because the clever selfish person knows that if you completely disregard others, the one who eventually gets hurt will be yourself. Those clever selfish people, if they have a cake, will take out three quarters of it to give to others, so that they can at least keep one quarter; while those stupidly selfish people want to have the whole cake. They completely disregard those hungry eyes around them. The end result is that their cake gets snatched away by others. If you don't know how to be cleverly selfish, you'll end up like those people mentioned earlier, creating endless troubles for yourself and others and messing everything up in the end. I have always believed that Buddhadharma cannot be practiced by everyone. One must possess a certain level of civility in order to practice the Buddhadharma, while Confucian culture is a very good foundation for the Buddhadharma.
Due to modern education, many people feel that Confucius represents a backward culture that restricts human nature and is the enemy of freedom. I don't know if what Confucius taught restricts human nature, but over the years I have seen how many people without Confucian teachings step by step bring about their own downfall, how they step by step put themselves in hopeless situations, while those with some Confucian teachings do very well and excel in other aspects too. Sometimes I would think, if these people were not born in such a place, if they were born in a region with traditional Confucian culture, then their lives and their Buddhist practice might have been completely different.
Regarding Chinese traditional culture, an analogy I often use is: If you give an iPhone 14 to a primitive man, he probably won't be very grateful to you, because he will feel that this thing is completely useless. He neither knows how to use an iPhone, nor has anywhere to charge it. In his eyes, this gadget is not as useful as an arrowhead made from grinding stones. To him, stones represent a more advanced culture that can be used to crack walnuts and grind into arrowheads for hunting, while the iPhone is just a flat black stone that can neither crack walnuts nor be tied to a stick as a weapon. So he would feel that what you gave him is a completely useless thing. You can see that for primitive people, the iPhone is too advanced, far beyond what they can understand. They have no idea how to use it, so to them it is useless and backwards. Do you know? This is exactly what has happened to Chinese culture and to the teachings of Sakyamuni, Laozi and Confucius. Because their teachings are too profound, too complex, completely beyond the comprehension of ordinary people, and the effects manifest very slowly, only suitable for personal realization through self-cultivation and self-liberation. Therefore, after having experienced Western culture, many Chinese people feel that those Western cultures that have rapid tangible effects and can be quickly understood and put into practice by ordinary people are the truly useful things.
But are the traditional teachings really useless? After being looked down upon for over a hundred years, we can actually all see and feel it - if there were no sage teachings, what would your surroundings turn into? It would turn into what it is like now - now most people will not admit mistakes anymore no matter how absurd, ridiculous or lowly they are wrong; a person takes a young boy into the women's bathroom to harass others and still self-righteously demands an apology from the harassed person; a person parking their car on the train tracks when buying groceries; someone who chants Vajrasattva repentance every day believes that they have actually never done anything wrong. Over these years I have seen far too many such people. They completely do not know their own position - they neither know their own position nor other people's positions. This causes them to frequently do all kinds of ridiculous things. If a person does not know who he himself is, does not know what role he should play in everything, then he would not know what he should say or do. He would say what he should not say and do what he should not do, and then everything would go wrong. When things go wrong they blame others, believing that the problems are all caused by others. Such people are completely oblivious about self-reflection. They are born in places without a culture of self-reflection. Looking in a mirror they would even think that the mirror is slandering them. If you do not know your own position in one matter, then in fact you would not know your position in all matters - it is like a net, when one place is pulled, all other places would also be out of place. A person who has problems with their understanding of marital relations will inevitably also have problems with their understanding of guru-disciple relations, because it is of one fabric. If your worldview is wrong then all the thinking, ways of doing things, speech arising from it would also all be wrong, because your underlying basis is wrong. You cannot use a wrong underlying basis to uphold right view. If you want to cultivate right view, then you must possess the correct foundation.
Over these years I have seen many people, most of whom neither know nor understand that the pain and tragedies in their lives stem from their wrong perception of self. I have always believed that this is a disaster of values, a disaster far more serious than earthquakes, tsunamis or wars, because it lurks within most people, because it will continue into your next and next lives, harming you life after life.
Written by Lingshan Hermit on February 10, 2023, first published on February 21, 2023.
灵山居士：聪明的自私
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I think the most disappointing thing to me about The Callisto Protocol being met with such a mixed lukewarm reception is that it feels discouraging for new IPs.
Obviously within the last decade there's been much more "nostalgia" bait than in past decades, especially where films are concerned. Movie franchises that have been cold for 10, sometimes 20-25 years are suddenly given a new sequel.
It's obviously just anecdotal-- I haven't pored through data to determine any trending outcomes, but I feel like the same thing is happening within the games industry.
A lot of what's out there in the AAA market are established franchises. I loved GOW Ragnarok, but it was pretty much guaranteed to succeed just by history alone. I am looking forward to the Dead Space 1 remake and will definitely get it for the fun, but it's an experience I have had before.
Obviously if a game fails to reach a good criteria then it should be fairly criticized. I just worry about the state of new successes, whenever you have one that had so much good faith from the gaming community, and it just falls short once again. It's nowhere near the blunder of Cyberpunk, obviously, since Callisto Protocol is a complete and playable product-- even if frustrating for many. But I can't help but think of them together, in this instance. Both two big games representing new IPs with lots of anticipation... only for it to fall so flat, either by sheer incompetence or just bad design philosophy.
Meanwhile, for people who want "better" versions of both those games, your most comparable experiences to look forward to are... the Dead Space remake, hashing out an old IP, or the next-gen upgrade for the Witcher III, an upgrade for a well established and loved game in an existing franchise.
I guess what I'm saying is, it feels like for a while now, there just hasn't been any new blood to stand out in the gaming world at large. I'd really love to bite into something a little different, ya know?
#Grey's thoughts#The Callisto Protocol#Dead Space#Nostalgia#Witcher III#CD Projekt Red#Striking Distance Studios#GOW Ragnarok
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Raise the Bar at Your Event: Why You Should Hire Bartenders
When it comes to hosting a successful event, the importance of a well-stocked bar and skilled bartenders cannot be overstated. Whether you're planning a wedding reception, a corporate gathering, a birthday party, or any special occasion, hiring bartenders can take your event to the next level. In this blog post, we'll explore the myriad benefits of having professional bartenders at your service.
1. Crafted Cocktails and Mocktails:
Professional bartenders are artisans in the world of mixology. They have the expertise to craft a wide variety of cocktails and mocktails, turning your event into a memorable and flavorful experience. From classic favorites to custom creations, your guests will savor every sip.
2. Efficiency and Experience:
Hiring bartenders brings an element of professionalism to your event. They are well-versed in the art of bartending, ensuring that drinks are prepared efficiently and to perfection. Their experience allows them to handle high-pressure situations with ease, ensuring a smooth and enjoyable bar experience for all.
3. Signature Drinks:
Bartenders can work with you to create signature drinks tailored to your event theme or preferences. These unique concoctions can become a talking point and a memorable feature of your gathering.
4. Proper Bar Setup:
Bartenders don't just bring their mixology skills; they also come equipped with the necessary bar tools and equipment. This means you won't have to worry about sourcing and setting up a bar yourself, saving you time and effort.
5. Alcohol Knowledge:
Bartenders have a deep understanding of various types of alcohol, including their flavors, origins, and pairings. They can recommend the perfect drink to complement your menu or cater to your guests' preferences.
6. Responsible Service:
Professional bartenders are trained in responsible alcohol service. They can help monitor alcohol consumption, ensuring that your guests enjoy themselves while staying safe and within legal limits.
7. Stress Reduction:
By hiring bartenders, you can reduce the stress of managing the bar yourself or relying on inexperienced volunteers. You can relax and enjoy your event while the bartenders handle the drink service professionally.
8. Customization and Flexibility:
Bartenders can adapt to your event's needs, whether it's a black-tie gala, a casual backyard barbecue, or a themed costume party. They can tailor their services to match your vision and create the desired atmosphere.
9. Bartending Showmanship:
Professional bartenders often bring an element of entertainment to the bar. They can perform tricks, flips, and flair bartending techniques that captivate your guests and add a touch of excitement to the event.
10. Full-Service Options:
Many bartenders offer full-service packages that include not only drink preparation but also bar setup, cleanup, and sometimes even glassware rental. This comprehensive service ensures a hassle-free experience for you and your guests.
11. Guest Engagement:
Bartenders can engage with your guests, sharing anecdotes about the drinks they're serving or providing recommendations based on individual preferences. This interaction adds a personal touch to your event.
12. Focus on Hosting:
With professional bartenders handling the bar, you can focus on hosting and enjoying the company of your guests. You won't need to worry about restocking the bar, replenishing supplies, or cleaning up empty glasses.
Conclusion: Elevate Your Event with Professional Bartenders
The decision to hire bartenders for your event is a choice that can significantly enhance the overall experience. From expertly crafted drinks and efficiency to reducing stress and ensuring responsible service, professional bartenders bring a host of benefits to your gathering.
At Operational Chef Consultant, we understand the importance of exceptional bar service at events. We connect hosts with experienced and skilled bartenders who are dedicated to making your event a resounding success. Elevate your upcoming occasion by hiring bartenders through our platform, and let us raise the bar for you.
To take your event to the next level with professional bartenders, contact us today at Operational Chef Consultant. Let's create a memorable and flavorful experience together. Cheers to an unforgettable event!
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Female Friendships (from the Anything Goes Podcast)
*I just discovered Emma Chamberlain’s podcast and I think I’m going to make commentary posts on some of her episodes.*
This topic in particular is near and dear to my heart because friendship is absolutely fascinating to me, and such a sacred part of my own life. The intimacy and closeness and bond with another girl is so rare and special, and is truly one of the best experiences you can ever have in life. The problems within friendship, how to resolve them, and how to make/sustain friendships are topics that should be explored and talked about more.
Emma starts off talking about when she realized the dynamics with her friends were changing in middle school, becoming more tense and competitive, which increased/intensified into high school. Competitiveness is the main issue discussed, and a multi-layered one at that.
I would say for myself, I never really had very many friends when I was younger/most of my life. The ones I did have were just generally nice, solid girls. I think that’s been a pattern in my life. For the most part I’ve been drawn to (and vice versa) good people. I can only think of one big falling out with a friend who I thought would be in my life forever- but I’m not even sure how applicable that experience is because it was with a (gay) guy friend. Aside from him, my female friendships that ended always ended on neutral terms, a natural consequence of growing apart and going in different directions in life.
I think Emma’s struggles with friends probably stem from growing up in LA, in a culture of fame and wealth and heightened superficiality and social climbing. Maybe her experiences are shared by others but I really couldn’t relate to some of the anecdotes she used, such as her friends making out with her crush- which she said happened “a bazillion times”. That hasn’t happened to me… ever. Not even in my teen years. Jealousy is normal and inevitable, but it happens in such minor ways that I’m able to move through it without the friendship being negatively affected.
As far as crushes, luckily there’s never any overlap with any of my friends interested in the same guy. I’m very rarely attracted to someone, and my friends all have very different taste in guys than me anyway. So it’s worked out very well on that front. But even if there was some occasion where a guy I liked was into my friend and not me… I just don’t really care that much. It hurts at first, there have been times where a guy I like openly expresses his attraction towards one of my friends. But in those moments it’s more-so a feeling of rejection, not competition. It’s a negative feeling towards myself, not a negative feeling towards my friends.
Ultimately though, if a guy is interested in my friend, I know he’s not the guy for me. Conversely, when a guy likes me, I know he really likes me for who I am. I’m not worried about him seeing my attractive friends and jumping ship.
Another point she she brings up is lack of loyalty. In regards to boys/backstabbing, but also in situations where girls were opportunistic and ditched her in favor of cooler plans or more popular girls, etc. Although I sympathize with this, I really think people’s true intentions are pretty easy to pick up on. I mean… people are not that mysterious. You can tell the real ones pretty early into the process of getting to know them. The problems Emma runs into in her female friendships are really just a matter of choosing better people to hang out with, and perhaps that’s a skill you develop with time/age. But overall, people tend to show their true colors very quickly. I’ve rarely been months or years into a friendship and had the carpet pulled out from under my feet by someone’s disloyalty or general shittiness as a friend.
She also talks about copying. Style, specifically. It feels like a pretty juvenile point, but I understand the POV from a 20 year old is going to be very different from someone in their 30’s. She ties it in with the competitive nature of females that she’s witnessed/experienced, and how girls will claim certain trends or items of clothing as “theirs”. I haven’t personally run into this issue, and it doesn’t feel like a real issue within the scope of friendships. But I think this just goes back to the fact that I’m not competitive with my friends, nor are they with me.
I do think it’s worth mentioning that when you hang out with someone a lot your language, mannerisms, and appearance tend to merge. That seems to be a byproduct of bonding. In fact, I absolutely love matching my friends. Wanting (subconsciously or consciously) to be more alike with those who you admire or vibe with is pretty standard from a psychology/sociology/evolutionary perspective.
But maybe this copying problem is more applicable to those living in a fashion-forward city like LA or NYC. This really isn’t going to be an issue in northeast Florida, where everybody dresses more or less the same. Vans, converse, high waisted shorts/jeans, crop top… it’s all the same bullshit. People want to look the same and blend in in most places.
The episode concludes with talking shit. Girls talking behind their friends back.
Guilty. To be fair- it was a roommate situation, and my frustrations with the friend were coming from the place of a roommate and cohabitating. Our relationship as friends was tainted by the experience of being roommates first, friends second. I needed to vent, and often. Which was probably some equivalent of talking shit. Tomato-tomahto. I needed to leave that living situation, and when I did, the friendship resumed its normalcy. Otherwise, I don’t badmouth my friends. I take great pride in who’s in my life, and for the most part feel extremely fortunate for each friend who adds something totally unique and special into my life.
The main problem I face in my dealings with females-
is the perpetual, insurmountable “business” of everyone. It’s moreso an issue with girls I’m trying to build a friendship with rather than friends I’ve already established. Girls will flat out tell me they want to hang out- and when I try to make plans with them, they’re working, or already have plans, or will let me know- then never do. It’s maddening. This self-imposed paradox. Girls will say they want more friends, or have no friends, and I go out of my way to invite them to do things and most of the time it doesn’t work out.
Meanwhile my guy friends will come over at the drop of a hat 😂 Go figure.
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Another passage from the Cass review that has garnered attention reads as follows:
16.20 For birth-registered females, the impact of testosterone will give a higher sex drive than they might have experienced during their biological puberty, and after one year will result in robust increases in muscle mass and strength (while birth-registered males will maintain their muscle strength) (Wiik et al., 2020). In the absence of any experience as an adult cis-woman, they may have no frame of reference to cause them to regret or detransition, but at the same time they may have had a different outcome without medical intervention and would not have needed to take life-long hormones. [Cass report, p. 195]
This seems to suggest that trans male/masculine youth should not take testosterone because, if they do, they will never know what it would have been like to be a cis woman (presented here as the healthier outcome: “without medical intervention”). More crucially, if they do transition sans regret or detransition, well, we can never truly know for sure whether transitioning made their lives substantially better because they don’t have the proper “frame of reference” to assess that (read: because they didn’t turn out cis, we can’t trust anything that they say about themselves). Can you see how twisted this line of thinking is? As bioethicist Florence Ashley responded, “By that logic should we force cis people to take HRT just so they can have a frame of reference for what it’s like to be trans?”
Ashley’s comment was obviously intended to illustrate a point, but let’s take their proposal seriously for a moment. What if we administered cross-sex hormones to all adolescents, just to make sure they aren’t trans. If they don’t like the effects, no worries, they can always choose to stop taking these hormones once they’re 18 (when they’re old enough to “know for sure”). After all, many “objective and science-minded” pundits have assured us that there is nothing wrong with forcing trans adolescents into unwanted puberties, so the same probably holds true for cis adolescents, shouldn’t it? And if these kids complain about the effects of this unwanted puberty—discomfort, cognitive dissonance, dysphoria—well, those are subjective feelings and we shouldn’t let them get in the way of science!
I’d imagine that this thought experiment generated visceral reactions in many readers (it certainly did for me writing it). Can you imagine the horror of being forced into the wrong puberty? Well, I can. Firsthand. Same goes for most trans people. And if you can relate to how horrific it would be for a cis adolescent to be pushed into a puberty that was abhorrent to them, what’s preventing you from extending those feelings to the trans daughter from the earlier anecdote? Or to the trans boys who Cass seems to think need to experience a cis womanhood in order to acquire a proper “frame of reference”?
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How to Plan a Perfect Trek to Mahuli Fort
Do you love adventure? If yes, then you should add Mahuli Fort Trek (Everest of Thane) to your bucket list. It is a scenic and thrilling trek in the Thane district of Maharashtra, near Mahuli village. Don’t let your worries stop you from exploring this amazing place.itinerary plans will make your dream come true.
If you want to learn more about the Mahuli Fort, you can check out the web search results I found for you: Click Here
Nestled in the Sahyadris, Mahuli Fort offers stunning views and a rich history. The Mughals built the fort in the 15th century, and it witnessed many battles and intrigues. In 1658, the Maratha warrior Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj captured the fort and made it his stronghold. His Mahuli Fort’s story is more than a saga of war; it is also a tale of human bonds and spiritual quests.
That sounds like an exciting topic to write about. Mahuli Fort is a historical and scenic destination in the Thane district of Maharashtra, India. It is a popular spot for trekking, rock climbing, and nature exploration. Here are some points that you can include in your article:
How to reach: Explain the different modes of transportation available to reach the base village of Mahuli from Mumbai or Pune. Provide the approximate distance, time, and cost of each option. Click Here
Trek route: Describe the trail from the base village to the top of the fort. Highlight the landmarks, attractions, and challenges along the way. Include some tips and precautions for the trekkers. Click Here
What to see and do: List the main attractions and activities that one can enjoy at the fort. Mention the Shivling, the Maha Darwaza, the rock pinnacles, the waterfall, and the wildlife. Suggest some places to take photos, rest, and have lunch. Click Here
What to carry: Provide a checklist of the essential items that one should carry for the trek. Include water, food, snacks, medical kit, sunscreen, trekking pole, etc. Advise the trekkers to travel light and avoid littering. Click Here
Summarize the main points of the article and encourage the readers to plan their trip to Mahuli Fort. Share some personal experiences or anecdotes to make the article more engaging. Click Here
I hope this outline helps you write a perfect article on Mahuli Fort. If you need any more assistance, please Click Here. 😊
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Learn more about the many educational paths that might help you develop your leadership skills
A person's voice might be thought of as a continual beacon drawing attention to the speaker. Now that everyone is paying attention to you, what should you do? You have so much attention drawn to you because you don't care what other people think.
Body: Someone on the team has to be comfortable and articulate in public speaking. Speaking in front of an audience is a fantastic opportunity to highlight your unique qualities. This will attract a lot of attention, and some people could feel uncomfortable with it. It's normal that many people struggle to find words to describe how they're feeling. Those who really stand out, however, often fret about how the public perceives them because of their deviation from the norm. This is a crucial fact to keep in mind while considering how to best instruct leaders in the art of communication.
You have incredible motivation and dedication.
Over the years, you've amassed a wealth of experience, insight, and wisdom that has propelled you to the pinnacle of your field. The information provided here might serve as a springboard for your own investigation. To be taken seriously by your audience, you must provide supporting proof and statistics for your statements. To be taken seriously, you need to demonstrate more than simply the ability to express an opinion. For Leadership Communication Coaching it works fine.
A touch of melancholy was thrown in as an afterthought for your entertainment.
When used appropriately and in moderation, emotional power may be as effective as using your brain a million times faster. So, don't hold back if you want to make your emotions known on a topic about which you care deeply. When giving a presentation, it's normal to worry about creating an impression and making the most of your time in front of the crowd.
There are a few anecdotes and quotations interspersed throughout the book for flavour.
Text and images in a presentation work well together to maintain attention. This is not just a lucky happenstance but rather the result of thoughtful observation. Most people give far more weight to hard facts than they do to subjective perceptions. Therefore, a lot of people reading this will have a hard time following up. Boredom brought on by information overload may lead to absentmindedness or sneaky actions like gambling or shopping. Selection of the Business Communication Skills Training is essential here.
After then, the narrator says, "Put them to sleep."
People often misinterpret the phrase "tell them what you're going to say next, then tell them what you've already said," but this is not what it means.
This method may be used to enhance a location's visual appeal.
Presenters may successfully appeal to their audience's emotions by using narrative strategies like tales, anecdotes, and spells. Keep a notebook of inspirational sayings and rituals, even if it's just for yourself. Perhaps this will prove helpful in the future. Only focused concentration, not casual or distracted attention, is required. Stories and news may be shared in a variety of settings, including television, newspapers, the internet, workplace water coolers, and even birthday parties. The Communication Skills Training Sg is essential here.
To ensure that your presentation is as effective as possible, consider the following four points:
You really must give a presentation on this subject. Where are these rumours coming from, anyway? Think about who will be reading this and what topics they would be interested in. Many people have difficulty putting into words the questions they have about it. Your lack of interest might lead to problems in the long run. In reality, this is the main objective. Presentation skills training Sg is very important.
Author Bio: John is a writer having long experience in Leadership Communication Coaching and that is the reason that from his writings you can now have the best options now. The best information are all perfectly accurate here.
#Leadership Communication Coaching#Business Communication Skills Training#Communication Skills Training Sg#Presentation skills training Sg
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I’m not afraid of ChatGPT
I know there is some concern from professors about students using ChatGPT to complete writing assignments. I’ve been playing around with it, and while it is very impressive, I’m not worried about it.
As a test, I just had it compare two articles on the web that I’ve included as reading assignments and write a three-paragraph essay. It found the articles and did a fine job of explaining what the authors said and pointing out where they agreed and disagreed. I then had it write an additional paragraph relating those two articles to a third—no problem. And just for fun, I asked it to rewrite the essay with a few typos and grammatical errors thrown in—none of my students write perfectly—and it was happy to oblige.
However, if I got an essay like that back from my students, it wouldn’t get full points. I ask them to include their own thoughts, anecdotes, and examples, and ChatGPT can’t do that. It will try, if you ask it to, but the results sound canned, rather than personal.
If my students use ChatGPT to write a response and then add some personal touches to it, I’m okay with that. Hopefully, in reading the comparison that the AI produces, they’ll learn something.
If you’re interested, here is the response ChatGPT wrote (sans typos).
In Alan Cooper's article "When Companies Question the Value of Design," he argues that many companies do not understand the value of design and see it as an unnecessary expense. He believes that design is an essential part of creating successful products and services and that companies should invest in it as they would any other business function. Cooper contends that design can help companies differentiate themselves in the marketplace, increase customer satisfaction, and ultimately, drive profits.
Jared Spool's article, "Yes, Alan, There Is An ROI For UX Design," responds to Cooper's argument by asserting that there is indeed a return on investment (ROI) for user experience (UX) design. He contends that companies that invest in UX design can reap significant benefits, including increased customer retention, higher customer satisfaction, and increased revenue. Spool acknowledges that measuring the ROI of UX design can be challenging, but he argues that companies that do not invest in UX design risk falling behind their competitors.
In comparing these two articles, it is clear that both authors agree on the importance of design in creating successful products and services. However, they differ on the question of whether there is an ROI for UX design. Cooper argues that design should be valued for its own sake, while Spool contends that UX design can provide tangible business benefits. Ultimately, both authors recognize that companies that fail to invest in design do so at their own peril and risk being left behind in an increasingly competitive marketplace.
In addition to the perspectives of Cooper and Spool, McKinsey's article "The business value of design" provides further support for the argument that design can drive business success. The article highlights the experiences of several companies that have invested in design and seen significant returns, such as increased revenue and improved customer satisfaction. McKinsey contends that design is not just about aesthetics but also about solving complex problems and creating meaningful customer experiences. By investing in design, companies can differentiate themselves in the marketplace and gain a competitive advantage. Taken together, the perspectives of Cooper, Spool, and McKinsey make a compelling case for the value of design in driving business success.
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Tips for the Guys
I recently met a woman online. She was younger than I am and relatively new to the lifestyle, and I quickly found myself sharing thoughts on how to seduce a man. [Editor's note- the short version: deep, sustained, meaningful eye contact; physical touch - try placing your open-palmed hand on his chest when talking/flirting with him; and when all else fails in the middle of a crowded bar remove your panties and put them in his shirt pocket. Let's see how that works for her.]
As we chatted, she shared an all-too-familiar refrain. She is married and she and her husband each want to date and find sex partners, and while she's finding it easy to find guys who want to fuck her, for him it's been a slower, more frustrating experience.
Which I can relate to, having been in those same shoes for many long years.
Once she got a sense of my experience level and the network of friends I've built over the years, she asked me for tips for her husband, and she even suggested I do a blog entry for it (yes, I shared my blog with her. I almost always share it with the women I flirt with). She thought it might be a helpful for her husband and other men in his position.
So here you have it, my ever-so-humble top 10 pieces of advice for men attempting to break into this lifestyle.
Be humble and roll with the punches. This is probably the best advice I can give. Men have it pretty good in general and in the rest of our lives we often have the upper hand. Women make 70 cents for every one of our dollars, usually have to work twice as hard to get half the respect, and are too often considered sex objects in the professional environment. When I started as a single man in the lifestyle, one of the first things I noticed was that the women have the power. They have the upper hand, can choose who they have sex with, and it's we who must curry their favor in the hope of getting noticed. I personally think it's healthy to experience life on the bottom of the totem pole and I'm comfortable having to work extra hard to earn my way. I think men who can check their ego, gain some humility, and keep it all in perspective have won half the battle right there.
Listen. I'm going to grossly over stereotype, but many of the men I know love to go into broadcast mode, spew their stories, and do a very poor job of listening to their date. This is corroborated by many of my friends with benefits, who regale me with stories of guys who blather on and on about themselves and don't ask the women a single question or display any interest in her point of view. I may be an anomaly, but I am genuinely interested in my partner; I like to ask questions, and I think I do a pretty good job of listening. Shutting my trap and actually listening, which is different than sitting quietly while you wait your turn to speak. Actively listening to the women you date will set you apart and help forge meaningful connections. Which is the entire point, if you ask me.
Be respectful. This is related to but goes beyond the act of listening. The women you're dating are fully-formed, 360 degree human beings, not fuck dolls made of flesh. They have hopes, dreams, traumas, baggage, good days, bad days. They may have children, stressful jobs, or clingy exes. They may contribute time to causes, be obsessed with hobbies, or have funny quirks. But no matter what, they are human beings every bit as deserving of grace and dignity as you or I, and treating them as such is not only what they deserve, but will also ingratiate you and help form that meaningful connection I was talking about above.
(This is really #3a) Do I even need to say it? No cock shots. Come on guys, just keep it in your pants. This should be an obvious part of "Be respectful" and go without saying but based on an anecdotal poll of my FWBs, it seems at least 9 out of 10 guys send unsolicited cock shots. But 8 out of 10 women don't want them. If she's one of the two who REALLY do, don't worry, she'll let you know. Set yourself apart, show some class, and when in doubt keep it from the neck up, at least during your initial interactions. It's fine to be flirty and fun (go for it!) but if a cock shot is your fourth message, what you're actually sending is a signal that you may not be the guy she's looking for.
Be interesting. You have interesting things to say. You've had wonderful life experiences. I know you have. Feel free to show it, and share it. Be flirty! Be fun! Tell an interesting anecdote. Flash that humor. You got game and it's great to flex it. But it's even better if you can do so while keeping the above rules in mind: be humble, be respectful, and listen to her. Don't make it a one-way monolog or a broadcast piece of performance art. Make it a sexy, fun dance with both parties playing their part.
Play the numbers game. It may seem a little uncouth for me to say it but it's just a fact. As a man you're going to have to do a lot more work to get a fraction of the attention that your average woman does. So, so many of my FWBs have likes from dozens or even hundreds of guys and they can't even scan through the list, let alone message them all. I, on the other hand, get relatively few matches and even when I do get a match, it's only the occasional woman who engages in dialog. If I had to estimate, I'd say 5%-10% of my swipes turn into a match, fewer than 20% of matches become a conversation, maybe half of conversations turn into a real-live date, and not every date turns out to be a good match. I literally went years swiping on Tinder with nothing much to show for it and then Bam! there's Rosemarie. Hundreds of swipes on Bumble with nothing of interest then Bam! Christine. Months more swiping then Bam! Samantha. I have found you have to be patient, roll with the punches, and play the long game.
Treasure the connections you have and don't play leapfrog. When you do start to get dates and have some success, it can be intoxicating. But the irony is we as humans are programmed to always chase the shiny new object, and the temptation may be to move on from your latest conquest and look around for the next. I'm not saying you shouldn't keep working to expand your network and add to your rotation; I see nothing wrong with that (I still do it to this day). But what I would strongly advise is to cherish the women who do want to have sex with you. Treat them well and continue to show them the respect they deserve. They are giving you a lovely gift of their time and attention (and pussy!) and you are lucky to be the recipient. Don't be a heel and toss them aside while you look for your next thing. Bring them along on the journey and cherish the time you spend together.
Build on your network and your real-world connections. As you start to meet more people you'll have more options. As a couple you will have an easier time finding singles or other couples to join you. You will now be able to visit sex clubs or parties. In these situations it's going to be much easier to meet other like-minded people (they ARE at a sex party after all!). This is an excellent opportunity to find people you click with, and if the feeling is mutual, you can add them to your network. Two important caveats: a) see above about respect and treasuring current connections; if you do make connections at real-live events, don't sneak around on your date or do it behind her back. Be transparent and open, discuss your wants and desires freely, and don't marginalize her. And b) see above about respect and being humble. Don't indiscriminately hit on every woman at the sex party. Consent applies even at - especially at - these places and you should only ask for her contact info if there's a clear, mutual connection. No one likes creepers. Don't make her uncomfortable. Don't be that guy.
Put "I throw sex parties" in your profile. Just kidding. Well, sort of. If you actually throw sex parties, then go for it! Once I started throwing them I did put it in my profile, and my matches increased significantly. And I found I was matching more often with like-minded women and couples. But still. Maybe actually start throwing parties before putting this one into practice.
Don't give up. I saved this one for last because it may be the hardest, but also the most important piece of advice. If you jump into this game expecting immediate success, you may be disappointed. I have no idea how you will do (I probably don't know you after all!), but for me at least it took years of patience, perseverance, and good humor to get to where I am today. The first year or so I had maybe a handful of sex partners and spent most of my time on the websites and the apps, reaching out to people, and having relatively little to show for it. But I was patient and optimistic and played the long game and slowly, over time, I achieved greater levels of success. And then success bred success. You just have to stick it out and eventually you will probably get to that critical point where you have a nice little stable of FWBs. Keep at it. I am confident that with patience and perseverance you'll get there.
And one for the partners:
Give him an assist. For the ladies of the men who are lucky enough to have a partner in all of this, you can do your man a huge favor if you're so inclined. It's going to be much easier for you to find another couple, or a single woman, to have sex with if you are operating as a couple than he will as a single man. You can go to parties and clubs together. You can help unlock the magic door for him to access new pussy. And even if you would rather date separately, are looking to make your own way, and all that, it might be to your benefit to do part of your journey as a couple, at least until he gets his sea legs under him. Because the sooner he starts getting some success, and the more connections he starts to get, the better he's going to feel about this decision and the more likely he's going to feel comfortable giving you the green light to proceed with your solo journey. I have come across my share of couples in which she's gung ho and can get any guy she wants, while he's struggling to find his way, and eventually he becomes bitter and disenchanted, wants to pull back, and it becomes a source of friction. Not to tell you how to live your life of course, but if you love him and want him to have a good experience in all of this, you can do wonders by being his wingman.
Whew! I'm sure there's a mountain of other stuff I could have included. In fact, I'm sure I could write a book. No, seriously, I bet I could. But I'm feeling pretty good about that as a top 10 list of things to keep in mind and try. I'd be willing to wager that if you're patient and perseverant and apply these rules, you'll start to see some success.
And given that I did most of my learning through intuition and the school of hard knocks, maybe it won't take you as long as it took me. At least I hope so.
Good luck, guys, and feel free to drop me a line and let me know how it goes!
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The thought crossed my mind that i couls include my hazing experiences from my former fraternity into my fanfic, paint them as the bad guys that cause trouble all the time, and then when one of my former fraternity siblings ask, I can just be like "lol no" and they'll be like "but this has so many similarities to our pledging stuff" and i'll be like "okay and you think that's exclusive to you guys?"
Maybe one day I'll go into depth about my hazing trauma but honestly their bullshit is behind me. I do wish I could have seen the looks on their faces when they heard that letter read aloud that they were racist and ableist and I'm quitting.
They adored me when I was in that society and I have multiple messages to prove it if they say otherwise.
Some people in that house were good but literally most of the good ones were either a poc, disabled, or both and that was very few people there. My best friend and I didn't really realize it until we talked about it and a lot of realizations came through. But don't worry, they were the "good, inclusive, diverse" house /s.
But yeah, fuck them. I should be moving on but also I kinda needed some conflict in this fanfiction and I think adding a shitty, racist fraternity would be good and I think it'd be nice to kinda process that shit through art since they never tried to apologize to my friend who got shit on essentially. They never explained how they were going to address it which makes their disability activism performative, but the one thing I am still pissed about is how two people were dogpiling on me because they became ABA therapists and I told them my experience with ABA and how it traumatized me and they had the fucking nerve to be like "well, there's two sides to each coin" LIKE Y'ALL ONE OF THOSE SIDES IS ABUSE. And I linked to them a bunch of stories from not only low support needs autistics but high support needs autistics and also documents from doctors and former ABA therapists with evidence to it being abuse and they called it "anecdotal" so fuck those people in particular. They had the absolute nerve to downplay my trauma. Fuck them. And no one said shit to them except for my best friend.
And then one of our friends that left that fraternity and did the right thing by reporting them for hazing. I wish I realized sooner so that I could have backed her up. I did talk to her afterwards and apologized and she and I are still friends. It's fucking stressful though and it's kinda cheesy but I like that this fabfic is giving me the opportunity to have escapism about my college days and, instead of shitty people, I can just write about a couple people that are gay af and do gay shit.
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