#and that's goddamn depressing to me
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hate when i realize my hyperfixation is waning because i get all introspective and have emotional whiplash by meeting older hyperfixations on the street
#oops i used to think i had a crush on you but really i was just hyperfixating but the mystery kept me on edge enough#so this hyperfixation might come back any moment if we get back into proper contact#i am talking about actual people because i do that and i hate it#i don't need those moments#apparently i'm having astounding and mature insights but i know in the end i'll do fuck-all with it and it's FRUSTRATING AHAHAH#i could've had a double-old-hyperfixation whammy today but one person didn't come after all (which i'm mad about but psh)#i don't even want to watch the new bts stuff EVEN THOUGH IT'S MERMAID DAY?????#and that's goddamn depressing to me#i want to scream at my silly middle-aged man being a goldfish mermaid but my brain said no you go be depressed now#gotta love the beginnings of hyperfixation limbo (not)#i'm not gonna tag this with my usual tag this is gonna get drowned out at some point
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Steve and Billy staying up way too late talking on the phone in hushed voices
Past midnight, Billy’s under his covers with the lights off, mumbling into the receiver about how annoying Max was that day and how he couldn’t wait for their away game this weekend.
Steve’s laying in bed with his fingers tangled in the cord, a soft smile on his face as he listens to Billy’s low voice as it rumbles gently into his ear, feeling his eyelids start to get heavy.
It’s like they’re laying right next to each other, heads on pillows and fingers intertwined.
After another twenty minutes, Steve finally mutters, “‘M tired…”
“Go to sleep, baby,” Billy whispers back, smiling softly to himself.
“But I wanna talk to you…” Steve half-whines, sleepy and wishing his boyfriend was there with him.
Billy chuckles softly into the receiver, already imaging Steve’s pouting face, “We’ll talk tomorrow at school.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah, sweetheart. Cross my heart.”
Satisfied, Steve hums easily, “Okay. Love you.”
Billy feels butterflies in his stomach, as he always does when Steve mutters those words. He clears his throat and whispers, “Yeah. Love you too.”
It’s getting easier to say those words out loud, but he’s also scared to say them too much. Steve doesn’t believe there’s such a thing and says it whenever he can, his dark eyes full of love, just as his voice is.
He says it so much that Billy starts to believe it. Starts to believe he’s worth loving, and it changes him for the better.
#harringrove#steve x billy#billy x steve#billy hargrove#steve harrington#soft and fluffy drabble bc y’all are depressing me today#like i love it but goddamn#take it easy on me#bambiwrites
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previously on @wordsbyarwen: Greek myth AU, the mages are gods and use avatars to appear to their followers, Tissaia is the lord of the Underworld and god of the dead, her Hades avatar vs the form she was born into
bonus Rita as Aphrodite
#nobody mentioned borzoi cerberus anywhere its just my own idea. tissaia and eldritch horror horse dogs are a Thing to me#sometimes i draw things#...what do i even tag this new au#greek myth au#tissaia de vries#margarita laux-antille#yes yes i just need an excuse to draw dudessaia again whats about it#honestly even when i give him muscles he's still that mix between depressed botany professor and slutty twink#troiings#gave us biscuit crumbs#like if you have a work persona. reblog if your work persona differs so much from your real person you change your goddamn gender for it#also#gent!tissaia#i guess
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another thing i hate about high school movies is them always portraying the bullied kid as the one that gets the highest grades and always focuses on studying, as if any kid who has to spend the day being constantly harrased would devote the limited hours they have away from such a toxic environment on schoolwork
#i was so close to flunking out of hs because i was way too fucking depressed and exhausted from being treated like subhuman all day#AND i had to come home to my toxic and pressuring family like give me a goddamn break#bunny says...
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a baby
#vash the stampede#trigun#I saw one mention of trigun stampede and immediately it was time to rewatch trigun 1998#it's still so good#who ever said vash was the original babygirl was so correct#babygirl#I must've last watched it around ten years ago and I totally forgot it's the one fucking season#TRULY HEARTBREAKING#my GOD#fma03 already destroyed me why did I get back into trigun#anyway I binged all of trigun stampede and WOW he is pathetic I love him#just completely :c#I am so depressed that the next season is like two years away but goddamn I am excited for Millie#also I'm sorry but I'm losing my mind over the theme song and post credits song for tristampede WHY ARE THEY SO GOOD#injecting them into my veins#although 98 theme song is so good too#anime#fan art#his hair is WOW difficult#not a fan honestly but I struggled harder with the OG haircut so this is it#sketch#vash#trigun stampede
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'course: oblivion'. damn? they really started with a tom/b'elanna wedding and ended it with harry sobbing seven's name on the bridge, alone, jesus christ voyager
#st voyager#star trek: voyager#star trek#st voy#st#voyager#the tom and b'elanna stuff was so unbelievably cute too like goddamn!!!#that scene with the rice fading into the metal...#this is up there with 'living witness' for me. how frigging depressing#and the fact that they didn't get the capsule away on time......oh evil
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🎉 [ Art from 2022-2023 ] 🎉
Happy Birthday to my most favorite person in the world, the love of my life 🖤
I still can't believe this'll make our 10th year of being best friends and even more I can't believe we get to celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer 💖💕
Commission Info | Ko-Fi | My Links
#I was gonna type out more but I decided I didn't want to be too sappy and emotional on main#so much has happened in these past 10 years#I can't believe I made it this far I really did not think I was going to have a future#but I did and I do#I have the most wonderful partner who I connect with in a way I never thought was possible#I am capable of being loved I am capable of loving in return#I learned how to love myself and be unapologetically myself for myself#I lost a lot of people and some very much for the better#I've become so so much happier my god I never thought I'd ever know what this felt like#I'm still angry and numb and having to battle depression but I've grown I've finally become someone worth being proud of#I'm no longer letting that anger and grief and everything that comes with it take over#I can't believe I've actually become gentler and kinder#I can't believe I've actually made genuine friends with people who are nice and caring and supportive#and are actually happy to see me and not trying to take advantage of me at every opportunity I'm finally seen as a person#I can't believe I'm finally in a safe environment I don't have to be terrified anymore I'm not going to be hurt anymore#I can't believe how far I've come creatively bc of how much bf has supported my every passion wholeheartedly#he is the reason I have a drawing tablet he is the one who encourages me and cheers on everything I do#god I still don't know how I could ever in my life thank you enough for every goddamn wonderful thing you do for me#you have changed everything for the better none of this would have ever happened if it wasn't for you#it's always been you#I fucking love you#more than anything in this universe and the next#forever and always#my art#glad I listened to my first tag lmao
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The way Dean defaults to fight and Cas defaults to flight and they never fully understand this about each other so Cas is always thinking Dean wants him to go and Dean is always thinking Cas doesn't want to stay.
#supernatural#destiel#they make me so sad and feral#crying while chewing my way through reality like a goddamn depressed langolier
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hey guys, i hate having to do this all the time but im scary broke again 😞 i've been applying to jobs all week, i even applied to a temp agency, but i havent had any luck with work... i havent gotten a commission in over two weeks now, probably because it's con season, so i've been barely scraping by. i'm trans and i have no family to help me out so i'm trying to survive on my own pretty much
i just woke up this text and im freaking out. i have bills coming up, and i only have $4 in my bank account. i need to start paying next month's bills in a week!! hopefully i can score a project with the temp agency soon but it doesn't seem likely so far
i'm still applying to jobs but since i can only get jobs on my bus route i have to find things in my area which has been difficult. i've been working on commissions daily and trying to get through my queue as fast as i can.
if anyone wants to help me at all, i'd really appreciate it... anything at all helps. i'm open for commissions too! my turnaround time is 1-2 months depending on complexity. you can see my art here https://furaffinity.net/user/shadyhouse (warning: most of what i make is nsfw, please only commission me if youre 18+)
if you want to just donate and help me out, even a couple of dollars will help me, you can send it here
paypal.me/bewearrr
venmo: @tobias_leviathan
ko-fi.com/shadyhouse
otherwise, i'd really appreciate reblogs 🙏 please don't feel obligated to donate if you cant afford to, i'd like for you to be able to survive as well!
thank you for reading this far, i'm sorry i have to do this all the time, i really wish it wasn't the case. i'll update if things start to look up for me
#i never know what to tag these things um.... sorry 😞 im so embarrassed every time i have to make these posts#if it were up to me i would have a job already but we live in a hellscape#where they expect you to do a song and dance just to score an interview nevermind actually get the job#im really struggling. im very very unmedicated and im very very depressed and every day is a goddamn hurdle at this point im SICK of this
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Ok so I got Hotline Miami brainrot rn because I saw a video explaining the story in chronological order and I immediately grew attached to Jacket and gf so I wanted to get this out before OFF eventually kicks my ass again
Jacket trying to cook something for the first time in years for Don Juan on his dirty ass stove with the only sorta clean pot he could find:
#hotline miami#hotline maimi 2#jacket hotline miami#girlfriend hotline miami#don juan hotline miami#jacketgf#indie games#shitpost#these two have completely ruined me and I just got here#I really got attached to a new game after watching one lore video damn 💔#tbh I’ve been wanting to learn what hlm was about since I’ve kept hearing about it#now I did and goddamn this shif is depressing#AND I ATE IT UP
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You know, it would be a LOT easier to explain to doctors where my pain is on my body
A: If the pain wasn’t in my BACK and therefore impossible for me to SEE or properly POINT TO with my short fucking arms
B: If every diagram of the human body available to me wasn’t made for TALL PEOPLE and therefore way harder guess where I should be pointing in reference to my own short fucking body
C: If the doctors examining me would just PUSH HARDER ALREADY. I literally have so much radiating pain, your fucking butterfly taps of “does it hurt here?” are NOT HELPING. You need to DIG IN THERE or I can’t TELL YOU WHAT HURTS MOST.
#really cranky tonight#and pissed about having chronic pain for THREE YEARS#and not a SINGLE DOCTOR can actually tell me what's WRONG#oh they want to give me drugs and physical therapy#and the PT only made me hurt MORE#but they didn't LISTEN#stop fucking trying to give me bandaid measures#when you can't even tell me WHY I hurt#and now I have to listen to my little sister#fucking moan and whine and have fucking drawing room anguish#every goddamn night#because she's been fighting a bladder infection#for a few months#bitch I was never ALLOWED to bitch this much#all I got was my mom getting mad at me#for being vocal#when there was nothing she or anyone else could do about it#so I had to keep my depression to my damn fucking self#god get a fucking grip
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seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing
#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident#I straight up forgot#and just didn't show up to the session#my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked#I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up#my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january#I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted#like mentally and spiritually#all the time#my memory and sense of time are both shit#my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason??#I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me#I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir#and yet#idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason#fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly#due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me#aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory#it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever#like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype#but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here#doing whatever this is#maybe I should drive out to the coast#maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long#I mean it can't make me worse#I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark#everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone
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If anyone is wondering why I haven't updated, there are a number of reasons. However, a major one is that Crunchyroll will no longer allow you to use old versions of the app. What this means is I am no longer able to take screenshots of record small scenes so I can transcribe them or basically do most of what I do here.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this blog, I am a broke ass bitch with a chronic, genetic kidney diseases I had the pleasure of being born with, which severely limits me in a number of ways. One such way is money: medical bills at expensive and even with insurance I owe something like $1,462.78 and that's just the past year. Nevermind the bills I collected from other hospitals/doctors. The result is I live a pretty simply life, including the fact that I don't own any sort of fancy recording equipment like "a pc". Every screenshot, every gif, every artistic and not so artistic edit, every video recording, every single post and fanfic and reply, that is all done from my phone. It's my one and only portal to the Internet and sole tool to do whatever is is I do.
With that in mind, while I am proud I managed to take my degree in English Literary Theory and learn how to do all of that on an older model Android I've had for a few years now, I also know that then bulk of internet denizens are just WAY more skilled/knowledge at this then I will ever be.
Keep in mind, I have no money (so advice along the lines of "just buy this $99 program, it's so easy!" or "why not just get a cheap laptop, you can get one for under $600 EASY these days" or even "you just need a monthly subscription to this OTHER streaming site, that doesn't have a film blocker" just doesn't help, especially since I don't even have my own subscription to CR so there is no just dropping that to pay for another.) I was hoping someone out there knew a method I could use to record the "latest" episodes.
I say latest but I left off at 1078. I know, I'm ages behind, but there is a good reason for it.
Please, anyone who knows how I can take screencaps (recordings would be useful but not required) PLEASE contact me and let me in on your secret.
I won't tattle, I swear. I just want to be able to watch the show and react about it on this blog since, sadly, I've recently lost all my OP watching buddies to various life circumstances.
Failing that, I need someone to agree to watch every single episode along with me as my "recorder", recording long swatches of each episode and then sending to me when we're done so I can get my screencaps and gifs and the likes. The good news? You'd have someone eternally thankful for your contributions, who would credit you in every post, and I wouldn't even use any jokes/observations/thoughts you might share while we watch without permission. And.... errrr. Did I mention the gratitude? Shit, that's really all I have.
But I have so much of it!
Guys, I hate getting all emotional, but I am having a hell of a year between the dogs, the bad diagnosis and, hey, this is currently my face:
For comparison, when I'm not dying:
Just any help or even attempts at advice would be welcomed. I know it's stupid, but a lot of what I personally get from reading/watching/playing things is in sharing it with others. I shouldn't have to explain that, it's part of why places like Tumblr and AO3 EXIST.
Feel free to reach out in a reblog, comment, tag me, DM, message me on discord (gildedmuse). Whatever is easiest. And thank you, so, SO much for any potential advice or help you can offer.
#please help#one piece#screenshots#crunchyroll#desperate fan#need help#looking for help#looking for advice#looking for a goddamn miracle#why don't they want me promoting their show and getting people excited about it#I'm sorry for the post length#it honestly left me so depressed learning I could only watch the episodes and no longer had a way to communicate about them so easily#roronoa zoro#trafalgar d. water law#trafalgar law#dracule mihawk#tagged BECAUSE IF SOMEONE HELPS ME FIGURE THIS OUT YOU KNOW I WILL GET YOU THEIR SCREENSHOTS#I literally don't know what to do if I can't take screenshots#I was so excited for the egghead arc & now I have no one to watch it with and no way to share it#I promise if you knew about my health/personal situation this reaction over being unable to doc & share this kid's show would make sense#Hey I've EMBRACED being a pathetic fan who is unshamed in her love of media analysis and fandom excitement
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#been on t gel for three weeks and my skin is clear and my depression is healed#but like. genuinely#hrt isnt a miracle cure but goddamn is it working like one for me
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So, @silv-paru sent Sherlock Holmes for the character opinion bingo. thanks a bunch for this (and for your patience. my god, i’m answering this a week late. typical me behaviour). you’re a darling :D
Did you know, i used to tell these stories to my friends? they delighted in them AND i got a chance to sort of ramble on and on abt him and watson. it was a win-win, really. ah, those were the days! now i haven’t reblogged much of him this month at all. i miss him. I MISS HIM.
Onto the bingo: well. he’s The quintessence of gender™ to me. and i relate to him so so much. fav character of all time fr. i want to carry him in my pocket at all times & study him. like. do i want to BE him OR am i IN LOVE with him, ykwim? pssh who knows? certainly not me. uh-huh ‘a beast unleashed’ -does this refer to me or him? you choose. oh re: canon, i’m ignoring the part where holmes dies (or y’know, is dead for 3 years). that’s too angsty.
#sherlock holmes#my dearest blorbo#he’s my belovedest chewtoy basically#if i think abt how modern adaptations *looking at you bbc sherlock* have ruined his character i get so angry i have to take deep breaths#*mutters darkly* he is NOT an arrogant cold-hearted bitch like he’s portrayed; well he IS a bitch but not a cold-hearted one!!#see. the thing abt holmes is that he’s SUCH a sweet boy okay. and he’s compassionate#he cares sooo much. that’s the reason people come to him when they’re distressed. they trust him#he hates the police. he is a jester at heart. loves his watson#he’s here to help the truly desparate helpless people even if they have no money to pay him for the case. no questions asked. But-#he fucking despises obnoxious rich men. the first time he meets watson a total stranger he *very excitedly* tells him abt his experiment#it’s very adorable. he never stops trying to impress ever. infact blushes furiously when complimented by him#my guy has 0 knowledge of our solar system but he’s written several monographs abt different types of ASHES. go figure!#OH i almost forgot the most important fact he’s special to me bc holmes is an audhd gay disaster bastard. sometimes he’s even bisexual#but mostly he’s acespec and in a qpr w watson. he’s VERY adhd. behaves like an excited cat and oh so cute when he stims. everytime he does#i go SQUEEE. when he’s depressed it’s a goddamn hashtag big mood. as in many other ways he is me i am him#he’s PASSIONATE and KIND that’s all you need to know#acd stories are about just some guy who loves his job (which he invented himself btw after quitting college) that’s it#i am overcome with an almighty need to squeeze his cheeks#he’s everything to me <3#alright if i don’t stop now i doubt i ever will LMAO bye#acd holmes#if u read till the end u get a cookie and a kiss on the nose i love u#silv tag 💞
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I kind of resent when other adhd people talk about hyperfocus only because I'm jealous that I don't do that. I WISH I could zero in and stay focused on one task at a time. Can you imagine. I can't even do that with things I like.
That said I am also annoyed when people misuse the term hyperfocus to just mean 'the thing I'm into right now' but that is Beside the point
#i think my Heavy depression makes it hard for me to get the brain chemical response needed for the adhd brain employees to go 'mm yummy'#'more of this please' and make me lock into focus#i think there is a factory between my ears and there are two departments that are at odds#and one is my depression and the other is the adhd#and the depression has halted production of dopamine. it cut funding on serotonin and dopamine because of my life's conga line of misfortune#and the adhd side is like. goddamn we need some dopamine bad. we are going to try to do everything at once to get some. 87 tabs.#14 rps going on at once. three songs stuck in head. click teeth together too.#we are NOT touching a single thing that doesnt help the dopamine machine make more dopamine for us so cut all other activities. work??? well#work is hard. actually most things are hard. and they take too many steps. now i know things like our hobbies Might produce dopamine but#well its not fast enough. and also tooooo many steps. everything too many steps.#sit on couch and 87 tabs just enough steps.#this has to be the case until we can get enough dopamine from anything at all to want to linger on an activity#and then back to depression#where its like. see?? look. we dont do anything and we hate ourselves. we cant make ourselves do things that we like or dislike.#this is why we cant have dopamine or serotonin.#and then i am left on the outside unable to focus on my work or my writing or even on fun things like rp#sorry for wall of tags
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