#and that it just makes some ppl's lives better
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you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
#writeblr#warm up#my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky#i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles#yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help#for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT#and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen#than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say#''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help#i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.''#bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't#actually offer fair support to everyone#we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less.#and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help#bc i DID have it better than other people#and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help.#we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn#instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself
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the mighty nein - critical role
this is a place where i don't feel alone.
this is a place where i feel at home.
#also with softer vibes. i offer They#every silly little brainheart found family deserves a to build a home edit#the mighty nein maybe most of all. thats my family#also the lyrics deliciously well suited to m9.#when jester pulls that. stupid tarot card for fjord. home or traveler. and there's a carnival wagon. and veth says Thats Us! . them#i just think about . the tower is their home the xhorhouse is their home the lavish chateau is their home the balleater. the mistake.#the nein heroez. veth and yezas apartment. the dome. fjord and jesters living room floor.#a bar with a silly name on rumblecusp#also like. the song has stone and dust imagery. gardens and trees.#the inherent temporality of life and love and how that holds no bearing on how greatly people can love. im losin it okay.#ive been making this edit for days straight with my computer screaming at me for trying to shove 143 episodes of cr into a 2min20sec video.#crying becuase. theyre a family do you get it. they were nine lonely people and most of them had given up on seeing their own lives#as something that might be good. something that might make the world a better place. and in the end they're heroes.#and it doesn't matter if no one else knows because They know they're heroes. and they wouldn't've believed that was true when they met.#rattling the bars of my enclosure. to be loved is to be changed#posted on twitter and want to get in the habit of posting here too bc.#general reasons but also bc . i have noticed some of the ppl liking/sharing it are also ppl who shit on my ops by vaguing about my posts#which is in general whatever but does leave a funny taste in my mouth.#critical role#the mighty nein#cr2#caleb widogast#caduceus clay#jester lavorre#fjord#veth brenatto#yasha nydoorin#beauregard lionett#mollymauk tealeaf#my posts
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i think in the hamster wheel of my mind a big part of where people go wrong with eddie and his shitty garage band as an extension is that they for some bizarre reason think he's gene simmons metal when he's jack black metal. heavy metal. he's tenacious d metal. he's school of rock. he's stoner lord of the rings metal he nearly wore blue jeans and plaid. jack black literally in real life once said eddie was the best character bc he's heavy metal like him. LOOK AT THIS
#🍦#answer it's bc people think he's some mishmash of all alternative scenes without any actual knowledge of where the mashing occurs 😭#eddie is . a heavy metal guy. A cool one. a nice one even. he likes rock and roll#it's so funny when ppl try and describe it and they've never heard the stuff he actually listens to in their lives for some reason#literally so much of the appeal of eddie's character within his subculture is that its theatrical and dramatic but its still grounded#he's very alternative and Out There but he's still just some guy. he's not wearing spiked leather jackets#in fact he's not wearing any of the other kinds of leather jackets i've seen people say he would ... TO ME#sts#if u haven't seen the clip he then proceeds to air guitar the MoP melody then shouts heavy metal is everywhere#i don't even know how to explain this bc it's like ... okay#the general .. VIBE? aestheticsm? is kind of similar to what people sometimes portray but they're missing thst it's tongue in cheek#like it's like that buff poster of him being this anachronistic homage to heavy metal album covers#fire and satanic imagery and skulls and lightning and big drama and ROCK AND ROLL#it's rock and ROLL man...#and people r making him this weird sanitised dork LOL 😭 when he's a dork in a different more fun way.. imo#and it's not that those types of people don't exist and that they're not cool in their own way cuz they are sure but that's not THIS GUY#he is an 80S METALHEAD... and yeah i try and ground him in thinfs and poke and prod at it until it fits my own understanding of alternative#scenes better but that's bc i've had a hand in the punk scene for years and years#i dunno sometimes i feel like ppl r just not doing the full potential and then going way too hard in this super specific direction#and he ends up first of all usually just a massive douchebag not sure what that's about. But a guy who he would in canon HATE 😭#YOU ARE MAKING HIM A POSER. is what i'm saying#he is alwyas some guy before he's anything else and before he's that he's a 20 year old loser#you need to reflect this... You need to bottle it. ugh. ugh#so much of this reminds me of the time someone was like he would never wear PLAID#like are you kidding me. are you actually kidding me rn#ppl have this weird arstheticised mostly modern and mostly literallt just eboy Idea of what he'd wear it's crazy to me sorry#also it's ugly#i also think. this is so long lol . anyway . i also think going too ''authentic'' in the 80s metalhead direction also lands u w different#problems. my advice to people trying to write or draw alternative characters is they are People. before they are anything else#🍏
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Shinjiham is cute when it’s romantic but tbh I think i vastly prefer the idea of them being best friends instead. Like, neither of them really saw it coming and weren’t really looking to get another best friend (Shinji has Akihiko, Kotone has Junpei and Yukari respectively) but it happens anyway. Kotone takes a liking to Shinji much faster than she does anyone else and I’d say a big reason is just the fact that he’s so reserved that it allows Kotone to do most of the talking while he just listens and they love this arrangement cuz Kotone doesn’t get to talk about her own interests very much. Though I think some of her needs to talk to Shinji stems from this insecurity that he isn’t happy in the group and she has this people pleasing problem and wants everyone to be happy so she makes a much bigger effort to talk to Shinji. And it’s very unfortunate because Shinji intentionally acts cold and distant because he doesn’t want to form any attachments because he wants to die soon, but aaaaaaaagh dammit this girl just keeps talking to him and being sweet and encouraging him to engage in his interests and share them with the others and he just can’t seem to say no when she’s got those damn puppy eyes. And Kotone is just able to get him out of his shell by being persistent but not in an overwhelming way, she’s very cheerful and supportive of him. And Shinji is able to offer her support by encouraging her to talk about herself and by making sure she’s taking care of herself. They just click really well and make such a positive dent in each other’s lives and it’s all about basic acts of kindness going a long way you know?
#persona#persona 3#kotone shiomi#shinjiro aragaki#i uh. probably didnt do much here to prove that their relationship is best when its platonic akjsks i mean idk how to convey it#that these two are just so good for each other but that im just not feeling it romantically#and why should i honestly like cant a guy and a girl just be platonic soulmates like me and jackie aljsks#plus i just have other ships with these characters i like better ahem akishinji and mitsuham yall already know#and i just feel really comforted by their relationship being best friends cuz it makes the pocket watch a lot more power of friendship#and it just. irks me the idea that its romantic love that saves shinji and its romantic love that gave him a will to live#cuz first off you can save him without romancing him and also like if you think kotone is the only person he wants to live for#youre just wrong like in fact its very clear in his social link that he feels this strong love for everyone#its literally like why other characters are so ingrained into his link he loves everyone and they love him back#its just kotone who organizes the time for them all to get together plus like idk when ppl say shinji only wants to live after romancing#kotone its like. well hes not gonna have a good time post coma then huh#and i suppose the point being made is he has to learn to live even if his gf isnt there but again like. shes not the only thing he has#idk i just hate this like pedestal romantic relationships are put on and i hate the implications that like#akihiko has been trying for years to protect shinji and his love doesnt matter cuz it isnt some heterosexual romance#grrrrr it just irks me is all and yeah i just think theyre besties who do everything together#kotone is like shinjis emotional support animal that guides him through the scary crowds and shinji is off putting enough to scare away the#meanies that come their way and they have a dress up montage and make cookies
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doing figure drawing studies because i know thats what i should be doing right now but also ive been in a very insane deranged state for the past 2 months that leaves me like this whenever i look at a man for too long
#talkys#im gonna say some more stuff here which is i dont think its ever going to happen for me which is like#it should be fine right...i dont think im even meant to be in a relationship it sounds exhausting and like another#constant neverending performance...#but its like that one post...''im happy by myself but also where's the love of my life''#ykwim...i wish i could at least make an informed decision#but that would also be tragic as it'd require me to go thru more heartbreak so i could know for certain#is it better to do it or not do it at all...#anyway ive also been having a hard time putting this into words#but. i like my alone time! i can live with myself. + nothing will ever beat the peace and romance in my brain#but. it also feels so weird to think this way. in the sense of like. yeah. you're only thinking this way because you Have To.#because that's your reality. other ppl don't have to think this way because they are capable of finding love.#other people dont have to reaffirm themself of this in the wake of not ever being desired and valued....#does that make sense...? it feels really weird.#like of course u have to like being alone and spending time with yourself. you have no other choice lol. you lost.#and also... idk. idealized romances in my brain better than anything maybe i would like to be held just once by another living human being.#🌺
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doomed valentines 🥀
aka what if kel and aubrey took over sweetheart’s castle ?
this is an au where if you interact with the keeper of sweethearts castle as anyone but omori, it unlocks a whole new optional level. you wake up in the picnic area with hero but no kel or aubrey. sweethearts castle is different and basil joins you for this level
the castle's main towers seem to have split into two, but the main building remains one, and smaller from the outside. but it turns out to be unnaturally spacious at times, as if the building was a psychological maze trying to separate... certain people apart
you find aubrey. she looks different, but happier. “it's like a princess' dream come true. it’s everything i could ever want and more.” she says, smiling at you. “now... all i need left is my lovely prince charming—”
“hey, guys !!”
enter kel.
“ugh.”
kel also looks different, if not for the fact hes wearing an obnoxious shade of pink, head to toe. he is happy to see you all. “everyone here LOVES me ! they respect me and trust me and all that kinda stuff. man, i feel so powerful ! im never leaving this place !”
that didnt seem to sit right, so hero intervened. “but.. if you stayed here, wouldn’t you miss everyone else ? omori, basil, me... mari ?”
“well, duh ! that’s why you guys will be staying with me too !”
that broke a new fight between kel and aubrey, but for the wrong reasons
it ends with aubrey dragging basil along with her, hero with kel, and you alone on the bridge connecting the two towers. you have a choice to follow one of them first. lets say, kel.
you head for kels tower and find hero talking with kel, trying to convince his brother.
“didja know ?? the sprout moles here love me so much they made me offerings, like, im a god or something ! pretty cool huh ?”
“..offerings ?”
“yeah ! oh man.. hero, youre not jealous, right ?”
“wh— no. its just.. a bit ridiculous.”
“...ridiculous ?” kels confused expression contorts into a smile, that of understanding. “i see whats going on. its okay, hero, i know its gotta be tough to be put to the side. and overlooked. bet its weird not being in the spotlight for once.”
you caught a quick flash of horror written on heros face. “kel.. are you saying this because—”
“but its ok ! as long as were here, neither of us will ever have to feel that way !”
remaining determined, hero put his foot down. “thats enough, kel. you cant stay here.”
“yea, thats a good one, bro.”
“im... serious. were leaving, kel.”
the younger boy stops laughing. ”...oh. youre— why ?”
“i dont think this place is anything like it seems. i think its a sham.”
kel barks with laughter.
“oh so when it benefits ME is it a sham. man, how selfish can you be ?”
“...what ?”
“you really cant stand it when its not all about you, huh ? but what about me ? what about kel ?”
“i-i think this place is affecting you. please, kel, listen to me.”
“no. if you wanna leave so bad, fine ! the sprout moles can send you out. but im not leaving. im happy here anyway, and you wont get it.”
with that, kel leaves you two in his tower. hero seems distracted, before suggesting you both go find basil
you head for aubreys tower, only to find a scared basil locked in a cell. upon freeing him, he stares over your shoulder.
“o-omori.” he whispers. “...behind you.”
“well, well.. well !”
enter aubrey.
“aubrey! why was basil locked in?” hero asks, perplexed.
“hm? well, he kept trying to leave! i couldnt let that happen, not when i was sharing my happiness with him.” aubrey frowns. “i thought he was my friend.”
basil looks terrified. “aubrey.. i am your friend.”
“hmhm, of course you are. friends dont leave each other behind, right omori?”
hero once again steps in. “aubrey, i think youre taking this too far. of course we want you to be happy, but kidnapping your friends isnt the way. this place is messing with your heads, so we should leave before it gets worse.”
but your path is blocked by kel in the doorway.
“that wont do.” aubrey hums behind you, brandishing her shiny pink bat. “no.. not at all. what do you think, kel ?”
“i think its rude to leave in the middle of a party. right, hero? you taught me that one!”
“kel..”
he then takes a bow as aubrey joins him. “so, friends, may we have this dance?”
“let us sweep the floor !”
boss battle mechanics !
you can not change aubrey or kels emotions even at the start of the battle. the only ones who can change their emotions are each other, so the best strategy is to adapt with your own party’s emotion play
there are 4 phases to this battle. a neutral state, tier one emotion, tier two, and lastly tier three, much like most emotion based bosses. between each phases, aubrey will make kel happier, while kel makes aubrey angrier. they are not made to have the sad emotion, however,
if you end third phase with an attack from hero, kel will start fourth phase with a depressed emotion instead of manic, giving your team good advantage on winning since he relies on speed. aubrey will still be furious, but its still one enemy disadvantaged
once you defeat them they will go snork mimi in your arms and you must carry them out of the castle and back to mari.
“aww, i guess its past their royal nap time !”
#added choppy explanations under the cut i copy and pasted them from my twitter so pls excuse the writing. LMAO#i swear i write better than this im just laying down what the au is all about#also i didnt put it in there but when i said the castle was weirdly big inside like its trying to separate some ppl ? i was talking abt#kel and aubrey. i meant to show that the castle serves to give the prince and princess their biggest desires#like aubrey living in luxury and happiness in romantic pink while kel lives the fantasy of being the beloved golden child#but the thing is. those are kinda surface level wishes. or ones they Think wld make them happy#like aubrey and kel finding each other annoying. so its obvious for them to want to be away from each other right ?#and thats exactly what the castle acts upon. it gives them all those surface level wants#but despite being separated by space manipulation itself. kel and aubrey seem to Always find their way towards each other#which both will scoff and groan at. not realizing that their heart longs for the others presence !#something something your love for each other beats the labyrinth of psychological horror trying to keep u apart. and you Hate It#i think their dynamic is rly funny#omori kel#omori aubrey#omori hero#omori basil#omori (character)#kel omori#aubrey omori#hero omori#basil omori#omori#kelbrey#omori baseball bat#omori fanart#fanart#my art#omori sweetheart#kind of ?? the theme is based around her#ALSO I REDREW THE UI MYSELF BC I COULDNT FIND A HIGH QUALITY VERSION OF IT GRRR
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only now ive lost the main piece;
where might it be?
(redraw of the MV art for puzzle by kuwagata-p ft. hatsune miku, originally illustrated by ryono ♡ )
#churro art#my art#illustrations#hatsune miku#miku hatsune#vocaloid#vocaloid fanart#drew this mostly to blow off some steam bec.. i could not draw at all today LMAO#i get frustrated when i cant draw chatracetrs as fluidly as i want to#it leads to making it harder for me to draw anything at all#cus the more i try to be fluid; the more forced everything looks for lack of a better word#so yknow i took a break from the comm sketch i couldnt figure out; and drew this!!#and i really like it :") it really reminded me of older art where i would mix colors way more#thats not rlly my style anymore but i always love experimenting with hues <3#and this is one of my most fav voca songs EVER!! its SO underrated :(#i watched some live performances of it while drawing this ofc and it saddens me how little ppl give it fanfare ToT#maybe its nostalgia speaking but i rlly love it and it got me thur a tough part of the pandemic....#like it was just a tough time but this song was a good emotional outlet for that heartbreak and loneliness yknow?#ANYWAYS! i really like this; i hope you do too! it was good for taking a break while still putting those drawin muscles to good use HEHE
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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i really dont like using my blog to vent or complain cause idk thats not what social media is about to me its just a space to be silly about the things i like. that being said. im just gonna do a mini vent in the tags abt smth that isnt even half as serious as im making it sound
#Listen. i found live action Zoro jarringly serious and edgy at times. Very juvenile. But its very telling to me that the ppl complaining-#-the loudest abt his characterization and scenes with luffy are the same zosan shippers constantly putting him down in their works#genuinely every other fic is filled to the brim with characters constantly talking down to him like a toddler and mocking him#and even telling Sanji shit like omg youre so brave for being in love with him it must be so difficult#and suddenly as a reader Im not rooting for the relationship im rooting for Zoro to get better friends#so like are you guys SURE opla zoro is this edgy oc or does it seem that way bc you flanderize him just as much in the opposite direction#taking his goofy scenes and exaggerating them to make him seem barely functional#when in the anime he IS competent and people trust him and find him very cool when he drops badass lines all of the sudden#sometimes he even actively tries to be cool and edgy. its not rare or unheard of. we were all there when he started posing in the wax#its the execution of these traits in the LA that seem juvenile and jarring and OOC but lets not pretend like the guy youd find-#-on ao3 is better written or accurate to animanga zoro at all. the criticism itself is valid but from some zosan guys it sounds silly#youll notice casual or non shipper fans tend to rlly like LA Zoro and thats because fanon can truly TRULY be a disease#i’ve had this opinion of fanon zoro for a while but just seeing him pitted against opla zoro really brought back my unhappiness with him#if i had to pick between the two of them…
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still thinking abt the tumblrinx i encountered a while back whose pinned post said they were transmasc… and also demanded that men dni
like—i’m not confused by the convoluted not-like-the-other-boys doublethink that gets you there, i can follow the chain of illogic just fine, but i sure am deeply wearily depressed by it!
#i know plenty of good men—good cis men even! gasp!#and i just think like. if we can’t move away from‚ like‚ cold gender war how the fuck do we move forward#fundamentally like. 100% block people who have behaved towards you in ways you didn't like.#but like. this whole thing where ~afabs~ preemptively self-victimize by conjuring up the creepiest cishet man they can imagine#and self-harm by worrying abt that imaginary guy jacking off to them#is just like. i understand how it happens but it’s like. you’re actively doing negative visualization#and‚ like‚ preemptively self-victimizing#ime it feels a lot better to move through the world unworried‚ in the knowledge that if someone says sth gross to you: you can block them!#anyway ultimately i’m pretty clearly making this post bc i'm overdue to unfollow the tirfiest blogger i’m currently following#like. yeah loads of cishet men are shitheads but ~misandry~ is so last decade#and frankly i don’t have a lot more time for the cishet women who have bought into the same system—like i have some sympathy but.#these people all get warped by the system into complementary fucked-up cogs whose teeth bite into one another#and i’m just not interested in biting back—i want to leave all the biting behind in the dust of the junkyard that birthed it#and like. i don’t want to dismiss the oppression that births this sort of rhetoric. it's super real and it's toxic and it fucks people up.#but it’s like. when people have bad dads and then are like Dads R Always Bad!!!#and i’m just over here like. i don’t know how to say this without sounding like i’m invalidating you but my dad was a fucking saint tbh#not perfect dgmw but like. a sweet gentle encouraging man who got ground down by my mother’s toxic heel along with the rest of us#so like. actually not only are you closing yr eyes to a better future‚ yr closing yr eyes to other ppl’s lived realities#like i personally managed to have a totally life-ruining mother without deciding Mothers Are Ontologically Evil Actually!#idk. obviously women remain *enormously* systemically oppressed! but surely we can acknowledge and decry that without#implicitly rhetorically closing off any possibility of a gentler queerer gender dynamic?#anyway none of this is revolutionary i’m just like. i KNOW the fascists want to cut off my toes and force me into the glass slipper#of viciously constrained femininity#that in turn makes itself feel better by sneering at men‚ critiquing other women who Do It Wrong‚ and exerting control over children#so i have strong personal cause to care about misogyny even if i didn’t care about it in the abstract#but i just think like. acting like traditional gender roles and dynamics are a fixed truth we can only bruise ourselves on#instead of a human construction that we can undermine and work to topple#is not actually the path to a healed world in the long run!#anyway. beta edition post (thumbtyped & not reread): may contain bugs.
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Since I imagine Luffy and Zoro as childhood best friends in my AU, Ace has probably known zoro for just as long.
So when Luffy is helping Ace out one day on his boat and drops the bomb of “oh btw Zoro’s pregnant” Ace has a horrified reaction of “oh god please tell me it’s not yours”
#one piece#one piece sound au#monkey d. luffy#portagas d. ace#mpreg#a/b/o#omegaverse#luffy has no tact when telling ppl things so I can just imagine him blind siding ace with the news#ace’s biggest nightmare as an older brother is luffy coming to him he’s knocked up some poor soul#so when he hears about zoro he panics like ‘luffy please tell me it’s not yours we both know how you live’#tho learning that it wasn’t luffy probably wouldn’t make ace feel much better#because he’s like an older brother to all the straw hats and doesn’t want to see zoro and sanji in a bind like this
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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die
#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives#but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me#and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me#24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight#why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless#it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode#over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day#i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school#i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress#i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient#ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference#seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do#i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine#if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it#idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed#i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal#idk what to do
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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the communities thing looks cool I won't lie.. but I am in agreement with a lot of folks who worry about it becoming super exclusive. And tumblr already has that huge ass problem as it is.
#⌜off the air⌟ . // ooc#i personally have so much beef with a lot of tumblrs fucking cliques i could go on all day#like imagine thinking you're better than someone cuz you rp fictional characters online with strangers all day gtf out my face#we're all a bunch of losers here just trying to have fun and do a little escape from our day to day lives#bring that shit on here with petty ass drama about things that in hindsight dont even matter#if you're constantly needing online validation to make it seem like you are worth something you need to work on loving yourself more#the way some ppl on here act like roleplay gonna fix your problems#no boo#you actually have to deal with yourself at the end of the day#your blooming aesthetic your purple prose writing you're teeheee im depressed and i have mental illnesses aint cute when you are actually#just a shit person#and I need ppl to start acting right fndsklfnldksf#SORRY I WENT OFF IM JUST#pPL BRP
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sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive
#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy#been feeling weird as hell these past few months#like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days#or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day#idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this#just thinking#meposting#I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying#I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult#I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad.#whatever#I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that#dissociation#me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though#she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety#and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’#I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time#I’m so solid now#so stuck in the ruts of capitalism#fuck capitalism#I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled#sorry I love talking#and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn?#it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing#I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence.#like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5.#overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.#can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school#bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude#I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time
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I sincerely wish we had the option to say some version of this to Damien, rather than the options we got in the cushy little Ch 15 eighteen-diamond scene where we could either excuse his past behaviour towards Hayden and Sloane, or a milquetoast "yeah go talk to them" (which, btw, he never canonically does).
To date I'm still mad this guy never fucking apologized genuinely for whatever bullshit he spewed in Berlin.
#perfect match#anti damien nazario#dames claims (believing he is damien) that he would never put other people's lives on the line even for those he loves#yet bro that was LITERALLY WHAT YOU SUGGESTED in berlin after hayden proved his loyalty#by jumping in front of a fucking taser for your friend!!#after sloane - the girl who gets nervous at the supermarket checkout - saved not just hayden#but the entire group who she BARELY KNEW at this point!!#sure ppl can claim he was 'justified' in suspecting them or w/e#or that he was caring and protective later#coz the only reason he is even friends with hayden and sloane is because they're better people than he could ever hope to be#i remember some would claim he made some sort of apology in SF and that makes me laugh tbh#'hayden is a good person. water is wet.' yeah that's not an apology#there is also those words he says to keegan that calmed them down...which people in the fandom hailed as 'growth'...#there was a match and a handler in his circle who never got to hear those words said to them despite what they suffered...some 'growth' 😑
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