#like it was just a tough time but this song was a good emotional outlet for that heartbreak and loneliness yknow? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

randomevie · 1 year

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Pick A Pile: Messages From Apollo

Pile One

six of wands, page of pentacles, king of pentacles, seven of pentacles, eight of wands, six of pentacles, ace of cups

alrighty pile one, let's get started. you are such a generous and king person even if you don't realize it, and you really help the people around you to feel good and be happy. while you do an amazing job at making others feel good, you are constantly putting yourself down and bringing negative energy upon yourself, even if it's just subconsciously. you are worth so much more than you're giving yourself credit for, and it's time to step into who you are truly meant to be and give yourself the good that you give to others. take some time to find yourself, find what you love and who you WANT to be, and then work towards becoming that person and finding yourself in that place in life. in this journey to finding happiness and self-love in your life, you may find some difficulties, but you are strong enough to push through the tough times and come out the other side better and happier. you may also find yourself discovering new emotions, or old emotions resurfacing, don't fear them. embrace them. in this journey to finding what you want for yourself, you're going to have to revisit the past and work through the things that have hurt you. at the end of the journey, you will find yourself in a safe and comforting place where you are happy and content.

"take your time and focus on your goal."

a song that may resonate with pile one: savior complex by phoebe bridgers

emotional affair/overly sincere/smoking in the car, windows up/crocodile tears, run the tap 'til it's clear/drift off on the floor/I drag you to the shore/sweating through the sheets/you're gonna drown in your sleep, for sure/wake up and start a big fire/in our one room apartment/but I'm too tired/to have a pissing contest/all the bad dreams that you hide/show me yours, I'll show you mine, I'm a bad liar with a savior complex/all the skeletons you hide/show me yours, and I'll show you mine

Pile Two

ten of wands, ace of wands, queen of wands reversed, six of cups, temperance, four of pentacles, the empress

pile two, you need to start TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. there is so much good in you and so much about you that is amazing, but your'e ignoring it in favor of listening to all the negative comments that people who envy you have said. you're going through a lot, or have gone through a lot, and it's been a huge burden that was put on your shoulders. it's likely that you grew up really fast because of whatever you've gone through and now you're struggling to keep your flame of passion and energy lit. you've been taking this out on yourself, as if your traumas and struggles are completely on you and entirely your fault, when in reality that isn't true. you need to revisit these memories to help yourself see that you are not at fault for every single thing wrong in your life, and that you are not always the person that is to blame for something. take some time and do some things like self-love affirmations or meditations to help you. you've got to find a way to balance those emotions so that you can continue your life on a healthy path instead of the way you're living it now. it may be a good time to try and find a creative outlet that you truly enjoy, something like writing, singing, reading, drawing, ect. ect. in the end these things will help your relight that light that's been dimming throughout your life.

"tap into your creative outlet and find your passion again."

a song that may resonate with pile two: new person, same old mistake by tame impala

i can just hear them now/"how could you let us down?"/two sides of me can't agree/will I be in too deep?/going with what i always longed for/feel like a brand new person/but you'll make the same old mistakes/i know you don't think it's right/i know you think it's fake/maybe fake's what i like/ the point is, i have the right/ not thinking in black and white/i'm thinking it's worth the fight/but you've got demons, and she's got her regrets

Pile Three

eight of swords, king of cups, three of cups, knight of cups, five of swords, the hanged one ten of pentacles, two of wands reversed

pile three, it seems you are all feeling a bit lost right now. you’re in a constant argument with yourself over what to do, where to go, how to feel, etc. you’re playing it safe in life and you’re avoiding taking any kind of risks, and it’s leaving you alone and trapped in a mindset that is not healthy for you. take a step outside your comfort zone and start looking at things a new way, a way that is healthier for you. you should also start confiding in your friends and your loved ones about your issues or your worries, no matter how big or small. these people can give you advice and an outside perspective about things going on in your life, a perspective that will help you to better yourself. this new and positive environment that you’ll be creating for yourself will leave you feeling like you’re in a stable place in life, a place where you are happy and safe. remember that you are powerful and you can do anything you’d like to if you put your mind to it. you’ll find your home and your family, and you won’t be lost, you’ve just got to put some effort into it.

“home isn’t always a place”

a song that may resonate with like three: tolerate it by taylor swift

i wait by the door like i’m just a kid/ use my best colors for your portrait/lay the table with the fancy shit/and watch you tolerate it/if it’s all in my head, tell me now/ tell me i’ve got it wrong somehow/i know my love should be celebrated/but you tolerate it, drawing hearts in the byline/always taking up too much space or time/you assume i’m fine, but what would you do if i break free and leave us in ruins?/took this dagger in me and removed it?/gain the weight of you then lose it/ believe me, i could do it

#pick a pile #tarot #divination #apollo #deities #messages #spiritmessages

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freddiemercurydaily · 2 years

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20 May 1977, ‘The Queen EP’ is released in the UK; ‘Death On Two Legs (Dedicated to...)’ is on the A side, accompanied with ‘Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy’“You suck my blood like a leech, You break the law and you preach” Freddie Mercury’s mean ‘hate’ letter:Queen’s legal troubles in the latter part of 1974 and most of 1975 were well publicized at the time. Despite their successes, the hit records, the tours, the band was virtually broke as they received hardly any of the money from their previous albums as Trident Studios placed them on a 60 pound per week wage, unbelievable.

The band signed a publishing contract with Trident Studios who then sold their records to a record company. Brian May recalled in a documentary that “it was the worst decision they ever made.” Queen were making hits and not reaping the rewards while their management team were riding in expensive cars and wearing fur coats. It was so bad that Roger was told to not drum so hard as they couldn’t afford to purchase new drum sticks. Trident also denied John Deacon an advance for a deposit on a new home he wanted to purchase. The band said as they were preparing to record ‘A Night At The Opera,’ they were on the verge of bankruptcy. With their next manager on board, John Reid, he spent a lot of his initial time working with the band clearing up their finances and resolving the bad deals they had gotten themselves into. He told them to go and make the best album they could and he’d deal with the financials.Freddie was so angry, he wrote this scathing song! “Now then...’Death on Two Legs’ was the most vindictive lyric I ever wrote. It was so vindictive that Brian felt bad singing backing vocals on it. No-one would ever believe how much hate and venom went into the singing of that song, let alone the lyrics themselves. Just listen to the words carefully, kiddies. It’s a nasty little number which brings out my evil streak. I don’t usually like to explain what I was thinking when I wrote that song, but it’s about a nasty old man that I used to know. The words came easy to me. I decided that if I wanted to stress something strongly, like that, I might as well go to the whole hog and not compromise. I had a tough time trying to get the lyrics across. I wanted to make them as course as possible. My throat was bleeding - the whole bit. I was changing lyrics every day trying to get it as vicious as possible. When the others first heard it, they were in a state of shock. When I was describing it, they went, “Oh yeah!” but then they saw the words, they were frightened by it. But for me the step has been taken and I was completely engrossed in it, swimming in it. I was a demon for a few days... the song has made its mark!”Freddie Mercury In His Own WordsAlthough, the song makes no direct reference to Norman Sheffield, he sued both the band and the record label for defamation. This resulted in an out-of-court settlement, with a £100,000 severance and one percent royalties on Queen’s subsequent six albums. Mercury said that his lawyer had cautioned him against discussing the lyrics, but that it was written from a “very emotional” place for which he felt music was the best outlet. Don’t cross Freddie “I did see Freddie once, in the years following our fallout, in 1986, when I took the family to their Knebworth concert. He was friendly, as if the rows of the past were forgotten. It turned out to be their last live concert, which meant I was at their first and last.Years later, after his death, I went to the Freddie Mercury Memorial Concert at Wembley, where I saw the three remaining members being photographed.John Deacon pointed at me and said: ‘And if it hadn’t been for that man we wouldn’t be here.’Brian and Roger looked at me and nodded. That gesture went a long way towards exorcising the ghosts of the past.”Norman Sheffield (1939 - 2014)‘Life On Two Legs’Here’s a clip https://youtu.be/kqVpk0qxmfA

#news #gallery #freddiemercury

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charcha-equity · 4 months

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Exploring The Influence Of Music On Our Feelings

As we navigate the digital age, our connection to music has been transformed by the convenience of podcast apps and streaming platforms. The melodies that accompany our daily lives have a profound impact on our emotions, from inspiring joy to providing solace in moments of need. In this exploration, we'll unravel the intricate interplay between music and our emotional world, and how it has evolved in the era of streaming services and podcast apps, making music accessible like never before.

The Melodic Mood Maker

Imagine a world without music – a world where your car radio plays nothing but static, your favorite streaming app is eerily silent, and the bustling streets lack the melodies of street performers. Doesn't sound very appealing, does it? That's because music is an intrinsic part of our lives, and it has the power to shape our emotional landscape.

The Science Behind The Sound

Music's influence on our emotions isn't merely a subjective experience; it's rooted in science. When you listen to music, your brain releases a cocktail of neurochemicals. For instance, upbeat and lively tunes trigger the release of dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter. On the other hand, sad or melancholic melodies can stimulate the production of oxytocin and endorphins, creating a sense of emotional connection and comfort.

Music As A Mood Regulator

One of the most fascinating aspects of music is its ability to regulate our emotions. Have you ever noticed how a sad song can provide catharsis during a tough time? Or how an energetic track can instantly lift your spirits? It's not coincidental. Music can serve as a powerful emotional anchor, helping us navigate our feelings and find solace or excitement in the process.

The Soundtrack Of Memories

Think about your favorite childhood song, the tune that played at your wedding, or the anthem of your college years. These songs aren't just melodies; they are the emotional bookmarks of your life's story. Music has an incredible knack for triggering memories and emotions associated with specific moments in our lives. It's like a time machine that can transport us to the past with just a few chords.

Also Read: Create Personalized Playlists With These Music Apps

A Tool For Self-Expression

For many, music is an outlet for self-expression. Through lyrics, artists convey their deepest emotions and experiences, providing a sense of connection to listeners who resonate with their words. Whether it's the heartbreak in a breakup song or the hope in an inspirational track, music gives a voice to our emotions when words alone are insufficient.

Music In Healing

The therapeutic power of music has been recognized for centuries. In healthcare, music therapy is used to alleviate pain, reduce anxiety, and improve overall well-being. Music can be a balm for our emotional wounds, aiding in the healing process and providing comfort during challenging times.

The Digital Age And Emotions

In the age of digital music streaming, our emotional connection with music has evolved. With the convenience of podcast apps and music streaming services like Spotify, our emotions are just a few clicks away. However, it's not always smooth sailing. Frustration can creep in when lyrics not showing on Spotify disrupts our karaoke session or when our podcast playlist suddenly malfunctions.

Finding Balance And Connection

As we navigate this digital soundscape, it's important to maintain a balance. While technology has made music accessible at our fingertips, we must also remember the beauty of live performances and the emotional connection they offer. Attending a concert or watching a favorite artist perform can deepen our emotional bond with music.

Also Read: The Impact Of Music On Productivity And Concentration

In A Nutshell

Music is a potent force that wields the power to shape and influence our emotions. From regulating our moods to serving as a soundtrack for our lives, it plays a central role in our emotional well-being. So, the next time you're feeling down or need a dose of inspiration, turn to your favorite tunes. Let the melodies and lyrics embrace your emotions, taking you on a journey through the symphony of life.

#MUSIC #emotions #apps

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ylmckdesign · 5 months

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Collection of images and lyrics

Book transcript:

“Music is a language that doesn’t speak in particular words. It speaks in emotions; if it’s in the bones, it’s in the bones.”

Music is happiness, and it transcends cultures, space, and time. Music is universally understood.

Music brings people together. In a room full of strangers, music can unite the most unlikely of friends.

festivals and concerts bringing people together who start out as strangers but all share a common interest.

making friends with the girl next to me at a concert of a band I barely knew.

song: these are the days

Researchers have revealed strong links between music and happiness, suggesting that music not only makes you emotive but also correlates positively with overall health, emotional well-being and productivity.

Dad played music throughout the house every morning, encouraging me and my brother to start the day. Motivating us with his moves.

song: banana pancakes

In 2013, the Journal of Positive Psychology reported the findings of a study that concluded that just two weeks of listening to upbeat music is enough to boost your mood and levels of happiness.

And it is not only happy music that makes a difference. Listening to sad music as you process your hardships has been shown to produce feelings of comfort and pleasure for most listeners.

Listening to a song relating to my hardship, feeling as though the artist is sitting there with me. Helping me to not feel alone in what I’m feeling.

processing the loss and pain of a relationship, being warmed by the familiar words from the artist.

song: Halley’s Comet

listening to some forms of music acts as an exercise that warms up selected brain cells, allowing them to process information more efficiently.

Starting the day on an upbeat note, using the tempo of the music to navigate the process of waking up in the morning. Having a boogie while I get ready to face the day.

song: she’s electric

Music makes you happy; ask anyone, and they’re likely to agree. The use of music as a painkiller in music therapy, a stress reliever, a mood booster and an aid for processing grief.

Dancing in the kitchen with my late father, reminiscing on every Sunday morning spent together.

song: easy - commodores

Music therapy has been so demonstrably beneficial in medical applications that therapists now use it to help patients regain memories, stimulate new neural connections, improve active attention and process trauma.

Using music as an outlet to remember memories of a fonder time, having a specific memory related to a song gives the song a completely different meaning.

remembering bonding with my mum even though we were going through an extremely tough transition after my parents split.

song: star man

Listening to music to music stimulates the brain to release dopamine. Dopamine or the “feel-good hormone”, is a key component of the human pleasure system and is released by your brain whenever you listen to music that moves you.

On a particularly hard day, playing cringe pop music to bring back feelings of silly happiness. Singing my heart out to release the tension.

“no one can be sad listening to Pitbull”.

song: This ain’t a love song

Your brain records this experience and saves it as something that you should seek out and repeat so that your brain will release more dopamine. - it begs us to replay it.

#viscom #sp #experimentation

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howimportant · 2 years

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hey! i’ve always wanted to write a blog, but it just seemed like it would never work out for me. in the movies, it’s always the main characters who secretly have a blog and an online following. sometimes, it’s a girl with a niche interest. however, i am an not a main character and my interests aren’t niche. i like mainstream books and songs. i don’t have tons of experience in my hobbies. i just dip my toes in: four years of tennis, six of theatre, and three of dance.

so what qualifies me to write a blog now? i’ve said all the reasons why i think i shouldn’t, but what changed my mind? i think it’s because i’ve always wanted to write. i love books, so naturally i fell down the wattpad rabbit hole. after consuming multitudes of stories, i tried my luck. let me tell you, i wasn’t very good. mind you, i was in the fifth grade, but still. i got discouraged i wasn’t perfect off the bat.

i wanted to be like the authors i loved. i lacked the finesse, word knowledge, higher levels of grammar. yes, these would grow as I went through the school system, but i wanted to be perfect immediately. i stopped writing and just kept reading. yet, there was a piece of me who still wanted to try. i would write new stories. great ideas with terrible executions. i knew it was going nowhere, but it gave me peace to practice.

the turning part came later. when my life would go down hill, i would write poems in wattpad. i never published them, but they lived there. over the years, they’ve been polished and loved. repurposed for schoolwork, but originally belonging to me. it became my outlet. a bad day? wattpad. school crush? wattpad. i began to flow out poems at every whim. basking in the adjectives and figurative language, until i didn’t.

i could write when i was happy, but most of the time i wrote to avoid decisions i fear i’d regret. and when my thoughts got really bad, i stopped writing completely. i was all bottled up, still feeling all the same emotions, but with no release. it began to consume all aspects of my life. i felt afraid to talk to people, afraid they’d hate me, criticize me, or belittle me.

my anxiety rose and my social skills plummeted. i was chasing love while avoiding life. it was only a matter of time before i found myself in a hole. and i fell in it, several of them. and in each one, i wondered how the hell i was gonna climb out of it. because each hole was deeper and each time i got ready to climb, it was getting harder to make myself move.

i forgot how to voice my opinions to others. i didn’t want them to find me disagreeable, so i became agreeable. and silent. i drowned my voice for the sake of companionship. i settled on being walked over in order to be loved. and when i got their love, i wasn’t even happy. i was sad and a sellout.

recently, i’ve been trying to earn my love. let me tell you, she is a tough cookie. i get it though. for eighteen years i’ve bottled her up. i told her she wasn’t a main character, that she wasn’t interesting, she wasn’t pretty, she didn’t have what it takes to be successful. i wouldn’t like me either. i didn’t like me.

so, i’m trying to give her what she wants. her voice. the ability to say whatever she wants while i listen and support her. because she deserves it. and for us to reflect on all the moments in life that seem earth shattering. to look back to see how important it all was, and to realize it wasn’t at all. to see our opinions and life and understand how important we are.

so if you want to tag along feel free. i’m gonna take the passenger seat. you can sit in the back. the me i’ve suppressed is gonna take the driver’s seat. i don’t know where we’re going, but it’s gonna be a fun journey.

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amethyst-dreams-and-candy-canes · 3 years

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Pain

AN: My humble submission for @cockslut-padalecki A Decade Under the Influence writing challenge. Here’s to another decade enjoying our hobbies 💜🖤. My song was Pain by Three Days Grace. I interpreted the song as a toxic relationship and honestly the first person who came to mind was Ranson Drysdale 🤷🏿‍♀️. The lyrics will be italicized.

Warnings: toxic relationship, domestic abuse (emotional and physical w/ injuries), infidelity, non-con/dub-con (tagging both just in case), destruction of property, somnophilia, I’m not joking yall, heed the warnings this is TOXIC

Word Count: 1,569

I do not own the rights to the song nor the lyrics of the song

Pain without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Sitting on the side of the bed, you survey the damage. A hole in the wall. Shattered lamp near the nightstand. A bloody hand print on the pillow to your right. It draws your attention as you try to figure out whose blood it is. Doesn't matter, you're both bleeding. A cough to your left in the corner of the room makes you wince; he'll never admit it but this fight took a lot out of him. His breathing is labored and you wonder if you may have broken a rib. Good.

You sigh as you rack your memory to figure out how you got here. They say no relationship is perfect but yours was pretty close. In the beginning, Ransom Drysdale was a perfect gentleman; always held the door open for you, brought you flowers and even watched that TV show with you that you knew he didn’t particularly care for. The first year was a dream. But then things started to go downhill. Fights with his family would result to him coming to your apartment and taking his frustrations out on you. You allowed it then; thinking you’d be a good outlet for him. But soon his ranting and raving turned into him degrading you. When his grandfather passed, the flood gates opened and your head was on a spindle, waiting for his next mood swing. Still you stayed even if you knew it was no longer a healthy relationship. Naively you continued to stand by his side telling yourself that at least he was physical with you and that had to mean he cared for you even if he could’t expression himself in a loving manner.

Then came the cheating. Openly flaunting his conquests in your mutual circles. At first you didn't want to believe it. You trusted him and he reciprocated your trust or so you assumed. But the pitied stares and crude whispers at your expense began to chip away at you. You'd confront him and at first, he denied it. You were the only one for him he had proclaimed and like a love sick puppy, you were his again. But when videos and photos were sent to your phone, hard evidence of his betrayal, he didn't even bother to come up with a good lie. He knew you loved him and used that to his advantage. But there was only so much you could take. So much you would take.

This life is filled with hurt

When happiness doesn't work

Trust me, and take my hand

When the lights go out, you'll understand

Another cough and a groan. He was attempting to stand up. Curses left his lips as he stands on wobbly legs, no doubt as dizzy as you are. You stare straight ahead, hoping that he wouldn’t want to continue the fight and leave you alone. He mutters to himself before he spits, blood and saliva landing on the tile next to your foot. You see his foot for a split second before he moves away from you and to the bathroom door.

“Fucking bitch.” he quite literally spits. You want to retort, a scathing insult on your tongue but the throbbing in your head is too distracting to care. The door slams and you close your eyes, the exhaustion settling in your bones. And soul.

"So, what? It's over? Give me a break." He laughed incredulously at you. The smirk that you had once found so handsome now was the bane of your existence. "Like you can find someone better, sweetheart."

"I can and I will!" You rant, pacing back and forth. He's perched on your counter-top, legs swing as he regards you with a humorous expression that only pisses you off more.

"Yeah sure. Good luck with that."

You're sick of feeling numb

You're not the only one

I'll take you by the hand

And I'll show you a world that you can understand

The running water brings you back to the present and your heart breaks at the memory. He was right. No matter how many dates you went on, how many you invited into your bed. No one could compare. As much as you hated him, you loved him. Love him.

You weren't expecting to see him sitting on your bed after your date. It was lackluster at best and you honestly just wanted to lay down and forget the whole ordeal. You sat your purse on the dresser and crossed your arms waiting for his tirade but when the silence stretched longer than you were comfortable with, you moved to go to the bathroom. He was on you in seconds, left hand secured firmly around your throat. "Really? You replaced me with that tool?"

Anger and agony are better than misery

Trust me, I've got a plan

When the lights go up, you'll understand

You couldn't ignore the thrill that went through you at his anger. Serves him right. Too many nights you sat up and cried over his infidelity, his cruelty. About time he felt even an iota of the pain he put you through. Your eyes meet his as you stared him down. You knew he wanted an answer and your defiance would be the response.

"You're such a cunt, you know that? Pathetic. I fucking hate you." You strike him before you know it. The slap resounded around the room. His hand leaves your throat as he grabs his face, eyes wide in shock. You didn't mean to hit him but your body moved faster than your brain, his audacity triggering your fight or flight. He lunged at you quicker than you thought he could and gave you a hard smack in return. His hand found your throat again and he shoved you against the wall, the back of your head smacking it loudly.

"So you wanna be tough now, huh? Finally fight back?" He snarled too close to your face. You tried to shove him off but he was stronger and leaned his body in towards you. Your vision began to wane, either from the lack of oxygen or the hit against the wall you weren't sure. He was speaking, that much you were certain of but his words were lost in your determination to breathe. Grabbing at his wrist, you dropped your body weight and pulled him down with you. You both hit the floor and as soon as he released you, you crawled away from him and hit the nightstand causing the lamp to rock on the floor. He was on his feet quicker than you had expected and you grabbed the lamp and swung, the metal connecting to his side.

"I hate you too, asshole."

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

That you're wounded

(You know, you know, you know, you know)

That I'm here to save you

(You know, you know, you know, you know)

I'm always here for you

(I know, I know, I know, I know)

That you'll thank me later

Hot air suffocated you and a heaviness settled over you so forcefully that you found it hard to draw a breath. The throbbing in your head had dulled but was present and you groaned. You tried to move away from the weight but you were pinned, unable to wiggle away. Consciousness ebbed and flowed but a sharp jolt on your lower body forced you towards awareness. A soft moan above you made you frown as another sharp thrust to your groin made you open your eyes. It was dark but you could see Ransom, lips parted and face contorted in pain or pleasure, you weren't sure. His face hovered close to yours and for a moment, a wave of panic washed over you at the thought he might kill you. Another thrust made you gasp and your fuzzy brain fought to catch up.

"Don't fight it." He whispered almost uncharacteristically gentle as his hips rolled into yours. Gritting your teeth, you attempt to move away from him but he has your arms pinned to your sides. His lips find yours and the stunning pain of the cut makes you whimper. Another thrust and your legs part on their own accord and you writhe under him, the feeling of him inside of you a cruel comfort. He takes it as your submission and speeds up as he trails kisses from your jaw to your neck where he buries his face. Your head swims as you once again try to figure out just how you got here. He moans your name and bites into your neck, the small spark triggering your orgasm unexpectedly. His pace falters at the feel of you clenching around him and it isn’t long before he comes with a broken hiss of your name.

“I love you.” his soft admission barely heard over his labored breathing. Tears sting your eyes as he nuzzles against you and wraps his arms across your torso. You don’t know who you hate more, him or yourself. As the tears fall into your hairline and his breathing evens out, you realize that the answer is yourself because you know the truth and can do nothing about it.

“I love you too.”

Rather feel pain than nothing at all

Rather feel pain...

I’m not tagging a lot of people because I don’t want to offend: @avintagekiss24 @sapphirescrolls @cockslut-padalecki

#decadeundertheinfluencechallenge #non-con #dub-con #ransom x reader #somnophilia

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canariie · 2 years

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For the ask meme: 12, 15, 21, 30, 31, and 34 :D

From "Ask the Author":

12. what’s your favorite trope?

Hands down, childhood friends to lovers. No contest.

I think there's something really beautiful of two individuals who meet each other when they're young and are learning how to navigate the world, which can be trying and tough. However, when there is someone to accompany them and stay by their side, it can be a really special thing.

And when they grow up and there's that "oh" moment, when they see each other a in a new light?

Beautiful

15. do you make playlists for you fics?

I answered something similar in a previous ask; quick answer is no, I don't make playlists, partly because I'm not good at making them haha

What I actually do is when I find a song that fits a particular mood I'm trying to convey, I listen to the song on repeat. Like 1 hour long videos. Just the same song looping again and again.

It helps me focus on the writing and by hearing the song multiple times, it fades to the background for me haha.

A song that I've been thinking about for a fic has been, "Can't Sleep" by Loco featuring IU (originally the feature is by Heize but I enjoy IU's version a little more).

21. what’s the most memorable comment you’ve received?

Actually Rays, one of my most memorable comments has been from you! I really enjoyed your reaction to it was just a dream! The gifs and all caps reactions to Matured Form Toushiro and Momo really touched my heart and I was overjoyed that you enjoyed the fic so much for the @hitsuhina-week gift exchange! I also loved reading your comments in the tags! :)))

On the other end! It really warmed my heart when my favourite author's acknowledged me in their fics, if I've left a lot of comments over their story (like with this one on fanfiction.net)!

I think as a reader or a writer, it's always nice when you're noticed for your writing or feedback :)

30. what’s the one thing you like about writing?

For me, I really enjoy how much of a creative outlet it can be. It can be so personal, where you touch about your own experiences, sadness, heartbreak, joy, happiness, melancholy; and then trying to figure out how to convey all those emotions so that a reader can feel those? It's so powerful and yet so humbling.

I think it can be enjoyed by everyone and written by anyone.

31. what’s the one thing you hate about writing?

At least personally for me, how much my ability to write is tied to my mood. It's hard for me to sit and say, "I'm going to write X amount of words today". I have to be in the mood or something has to inspire me. Which is when I try to listen to certain songs or watch certain shows or even read other's people's work or novels!

34. angst with a happy ending or angst all the way till the end?

Angst with a happy ending because i'm weak for fluff. (at least for hitsuhina) they've suffered too much, they need to at least be happy in fanfiction

But! I don't mind reading angst all the way through, depending on the couple, like maybe GinRan.

---

Thank you for sending these in Rays! :)

#canariie: asks #rays-of-fire-and-ice #hitsuhina #momo hinamori #toshiro hitsugaya

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muwur · 4 years

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could i request an -oikawa-kuroo-suga- headcanons for a partner with autism/adhd? (autism and adhd in girls can be like, real hard to write if you dont have it or know someone who does so its 100% okay to say no wididnejfufhejrr) especially with like, being embarrassed about stimming in front of them or dealing with rejection sensitive dysphoria as a symptom 😗👉👈 thank yooooooooooou i owe u my liyef

haikyuu + s/o with autism/adhd headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for oikawa, kuroo, suga & tendou

❧ gn reader

✎ 1.3k words

a/n: i got u b! this is wut im here for, to help u feel a lil represented 😌 also ik u a special fren of mine so hehe here u go (happy birthday soon btw c; ily i hope you enjoy pls feel free to lmk if there’s smth youd like me to change ♡)! aLsO pLEASePLEAseplEASe anyone let me know if there is something I wrote in this that doesn’t sit well with you. as someone who does not have autism/adhd or has had much experience around people who do, i cannot portray it accurately. i do not intend to misrepresent anyone’s experiences. i love and care for you all; the last thing i want to do is hurt or offend anyone. thankfully anon + the internet were great sources for me to try to understand things better. tho that is not to say i can fully comprehend these conditions (cuz i never can unless i experience it myself)

n e ways, u r all loveli n i hope ur having an amazing day <3

just wanna preface that these bois would love anyone for who they are, and would do their best to support you in whatever ways possible <3

oikawa

✧ oikawa had been replying consistently to your messages before suddenly disappearing with no explanation,,,

✧ at first it seemed like nothing, but after several hours and follow up texts from yourself, you couldn’t help but think that maybe he just didn’t want to reply to you

✧ maybe he didn’t even like you anymore

✧ fear that every moment you shared together meant nothing settled in the pit of your stomach

✧ a while later you received a phone call from a very apologetic oikawa, who was explaining that he dropped his phone in the bowl of ramen he was eating and had to go to the store and wait for hours before finally getting a new one and--

✧ “a-are you crying? hey, what’s wrong? i’m sorry i was gone for so long. i’m here now.”

✧ will definitely come over immediately to give you reassuring cuddles

✧ “you mean the world to me. i never want to hurt you, and i never want to leave you, either.”

✧ makes sure to communicate very clearly with you to reassure you what he really means

✧ always reminding you how much he cares about you to reinforce in your head that he’s always going to be there for you

✧ does self-care days with you to destress because life is tough (*cue selfies with face masks and laying in bed for hours with each other’s comforting presence*)

✧ very quick to defend and protect you from people who hurt you. will ask, “excuse me, can i help you?” with a piercing glare that’ll get anyone to back down

✧ gives you constant reassurance about your stimming

✧ helps you interpret social cues and situations, gives you tips on how to handle your interactions with others and in under circumstances (as well as how to remain calm in your own mind)

✧ practices positive self-talk with you because he wants to help you see how great you are

✧ anyone who doesn’t see it is at a loss and is irrelevant, they don’t exist in oikawa’s book 💅

kuroo

✧ always educating himself so he knows how to be helpful

✧ unintentionally embarrassed you once by asking what you were doing when he caught you stimming once (which was when he found out about it)

✧ he was genuinely curious and meant no harm, and he apologized for bringing it up how he did

✧ however, he was glad he asked you so that he could be informed and reassure you that stimming is okay. he understands the importance of it and he’d prefer you have something to help you self-soothe. no judgment here, this is a safe space

✧ takes mental notes on all your favorite stims (verbal, visual, tactile, oral, proprioception, etc)

✧ even discovers new stims for you to try and buys you things to help with them (“here, this is a fidget spinner, y/n” or “you know they make CHEWABLE JEWLERY? they call it CHEWELRY. that’s genius. *typing on phone* what colors do you like, babe?” )

✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings and find additional coping strategies (“let’s try this neat breathing technique i learned about today!”)

✧ saves you from overwhelming situations (ie. pulling you out of a crowd, shutting down really noisy things, giving you space to clear your head and breathe)

✧ ruffles your hair as a sign of affection and calls you cute nicknames

✧ helps you study, make plans, and stay organized. tries to keep things interesting and interactive so you don’t lose interest/find it boring

✧ when you’re having an especially hard time focusing, he’ll pull you aside for a relaxing break like talking a small walk, watching an episode of y’alls favorite show, sharing a snack, playing a game, looking at memes or tik tok, chatting, etc

✧ makes sure to validate your feelings first and acknowledge your concerns before giving you his thoughts

✧ helps you view situations from a different perspective so you don’t assume rejection from others. when there is some form of rejection, he’s there to help you cope with the emotions

✧ gives you a lot of hugs when you’re feeling dejected and lonely, reminding you he’ll never leave your side

sugawara

✧ he’s quite perceptive, so when he noticed your unease, he asked you about it

✧ embarrassed but not wanting to lie, especially to suga, you admitted to being afraid of stimming around him and that you had been trying to hold back from it (even if it was hard)

✧ his eyes immediately soften as he tells you that there’s no reason to be embarrassed about it

✧ he just wants you to be yourself and feel comfortable

✧ learns about all of your stims. totally supports and normalizes them (however, if they’re ever self-injurous, he’ll do research and consult expert help to redirect the behavior)

✧ will absolutely take good care of you, he’s not sugamama for no reason

✧ a great listener! always hearing you out when you talk about your passions and interests

✧ wants you to express yourself however you can because he understands communication may not always be easy (reminder that communication and expression aren’t always verbal!)

✧ praises you and hypes you up all the time, going on about how there’s so much about you he loves

✧ has the most soothing voice ever. will whisper you sweet, reassuring words to calm and ease your mind

✧ will even just hum for you. lit rally anything. the suga juke box varies from lullabies to funky fresh songs

✧ very patient and will support you when you feel upset, frustrated, and/or have outbursts

✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings, but never pressures you. shares his own thoughts and feelings to help you open up, asks you thoughtful questions

✧ may be ultimate soft boi but gives anyone the look™ if they even just stare, and goes feral if someone’s ever rude to you in any way, calls them tf out and is #satisfied when he gets them to apologize

✧ also helps you study and be organized! good at creating schedules and encouraging you to stick with them

✧ constantly making sure you eat sufficient meals 😋 and get enough rest 😴 will nag you until you do

tendou

✧ MORE THAN HAPPY TO PROVIDE ALL THE STIMULATION YOU NEED, says it’s an opportunity to give each other mutual attention and bond

✧ but will also provide you an outlet for just relaxing and unwinding

✧ will talk to you for hours and hours about your favorite shows/movies/books

✧ BINGES THEM WITH YOU

✧ always treating you to your favorite snacks/flavors and discovering new things for you to try that will match your taste/texture preferences (only the best for u 😌)

✧ curious about how stims make you feel and asks you to describe those sensations to him

✧ thinks it’s super cool when you can finish his sentences for him,,, cuz it’s like y’all on the same wavelength (you gellll)

✧ if anyone made you feel bad,,, o boy

✧ tendou would intimidate them to the point he would probably appear in their nightmares ffegjegk this is why you don’t fuck with this man or those who cares about

✧ king of spontaneity and asks if you’re down to do the most random things

✧ “let’s buy a trampoline”

✧ *2 am* “you down for some fries and dip? and by dip i mean m i l k s h a k e s”

✧ of course he’ll never suggest things he knows you would be uncomfortable with. never puts you in a stressful situation and always makes sure you’re enjoying yourself

✧ invites you everywhere and makes sure you feel included. always by your side!

✧ squeezes your hand whenever he can tell you’re feeling anxious

✧ if you feel anxious about trying new things, he’s there to encourage you! recounts all the positive aspects

✧ but if you’re really excited to try something, you bet he’ll match your excitement

✧ a very good listener. empathizes a lot with being misunderstood or seen as “different,” and is therefore a major source of comfort

✧ constantly showing you how to be yourself and that you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it, cuz that’s who he fell in love with

#haikyuu x reader #oikawa x reader #kuroo x reader #sugawara x reader #tendou x reader #oikawa tooru x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #sugawara koushi x reader #tendou satori x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu headcanons #requests

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jenwhitner · 3 years

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( ADELINE RUDOLPH. SHE/HER. CIS WOMAN ) Did I just see ( JENNIFER WHITNER )? This ( TWENTY SEVEN ) year old ( VETERINARIAN ) has been living in Chicago for ( EIGHTEEN YEARS ). Some say that they are ( TENACIOUS & COMPASSIONATE ) as well as ( VOLATILE & INSECURE ). If they had a theme song, some might say that it would be ( ALL THE TIME by MOOSE BLOOD ). All I know is that I can’t wait to see what they bring to the Windy City.

hellooooo, it’s lauren, back with my second character. this is jennifer! she’s one of rowan’s older adopted siblings, and she’s one of those people that acts super tough and a little distant at first, but she’s a sweetheart really, i promise. @hocstarters

‏‏‎ ‎

INFO:

full name: Jennifer Ahn Whitner

birth name: Ahn Ji-hyun

nickname(s): Jenny, Jen

birthplace: Daegu, South Korea

birthday: 25th June 1993

age: 27

zodiac sign: Cancer

gender & pronouns: cis woman, she/her

sexuality: Heterosexual

physical: 5′6, brown hair, brown eyes

occupation: Veterinarian

‏‏‎ ‎

PAST:

( tw: death; car accident; child neglect; bullying; mental illness )

1993, Daegu, South Korea. Ahn Ji-hyun was born to a newly-married couple, who cared for her well and loved her dearly. Her early childhood was great, and she had plenty of friends. She showed a love for animals and nature early on, and developed a habit of picking up and bringing home any injured animals she found, wanting to help them. She also loved literature and art, spending hours covered in paint or listening to her mother tell her stories.

But, tragedy struck when Ji-hyun was 5 years old, and the family were involved in a car accident when returning to their home after a meal out. All the members of the family were rushed into hospital. Unfortunately both of Ji-hyun's parents eventually succumbed to their injuries, but, Ji-hyun managed to pull through. She spent a few weeks in the hospital recovering from her minor injuries. Somehow she had managed to walk away with only cuts and bruises, a concussion and a few broken bones. The couple had no other family that were able to take care of the now orphaned young girl, and she was taken to a foster home. The memories of the accident haunted her, and she had night terrors regularly, waking up in a cold sweat and gasping for air. It caused her to withdraw, and she became quiet and reserved. She was placed into therapy to try and help her deal with the loss of her parents, and eventually she began to show signs of improvement. Art was one of the things that helped her to express her grief and loneliness, and she continued to improve her painting skills over the years as she used it as her main emotional outlet.

When Ji-hyun turned 7, she was adopted by an American couple. Knowing absolutely no English, Ji-hyun was terrified of leaving Daegu and her friends behind to go to a completely new country. She begged the adults in the foster home to not make her go, but they promised that she would be safe and have a happy life, and would have more opportunities in America then she would have in her home country. So, reluctantly, she moved to Rockford, Illinois with her new family. Her name was legally changed to Katie, but she continued to refer to herself by her Korean name.

But, things didn't turn out the way that Ji-hyun had been told they would. She was enrolled in school, but the language barrier proved to be too much. Despite having special tutoring in English, Ji-hyun couldn't seem to learn fast enough for her new parents liking, and they were disappointed in her. Thus began the neglect. Because they couldn't communicate properly, her parents began to ignore Ji-hyun out of frustration, adopting another child and spending all their time and affection on their new son. Her teachers soon began to notice that Ji hyun was turning up to school dirty and hungry, and called social services who then got involved. By the time she turned 8 years old, Ji-hyun was back in foster care, this time in Chicago.

The experience left his distrustful of other people, and she kept herself very guarded, not speaking to anybody about personal matters and never showing signs of any emotion unless she was safely locked away in a room by herself. Her faith in humanity was gone, and left her bitter and cold towards the world even at such a young age.

A year passed, and Ji-hyun settled back into the routine of a foster home, until one day a new couple came along. A few weeks after meeting them, the news came that the Whitner's were going to adopt Ji-hyun. Yet again, she was scared and dubious. In her head, before even going to the family, she was expecting it not to last long, so she was stand-offish with the couple and with their other adopted children, not wanting to form any connections out of fear that they would end up being severed in a short time.

It wasn’t until a few months into this new chapter that Ji-hyun finally realised that she was now in a safe and loving home, with people that cared about her and wanted her to have a good and happy life. The realisation came from such a small gesture on the Whitner’s part, but a huge one for her. They asked her what she wanted to be called. So, not wanting to completely lose touch with her birth name that had become her only sense of identity over the years, and the only connection she had to her biological parents, she chose the name Jennifer. Her parents agreed to her keeping her surname, using it instead as a middle name. Thus, Jennifer Ahn Whitner became her legal name.

Despite knowing that she was finally in a safe space, that didn't change the struggles that Jennifer dealt with during school. The Whitner's did their best to help her learn English, but the kids at school picked on her because she was different and because she couldn't communicate with them properly.

Nevertheless, Jennifer was very intelligent and excelled in all other areas of her education, and eventually she became good enough at English that she could hold a full conversation, thanks to her parent's consistent tutoring and support, and the help of her adopted siblings. Once she got to high school, language was no longer an issue, but her accent was still prevalent. Kids were cruel, and the bullying continued. This drove her to develop depression and anxiety, and she became withdrawn and quiet. Throughout her dark times, she carried on painting, finding solace in art. Yet again, she began therapy and threw herself into her studies, deciding that she wanted to become a veterinarian. She went off to college, and here she flourished. As she grew older, she became more confident in herself and her abilities, and finally started to develop a bit of a social life again. But, she still kept herself guarded, a defence mechanism that she just couldn't bring herself to let go of. It was hard for her to make friends because of it, but those who persevered and finally broke through her tough exterior are still close friends of hers to this day.

‏‏‎ ‎

PRESENT:

Recently graduated from veterinary college, Jennifer lives in her own apartment and works at a local animal clinic. She still keeps in contact with her foster parents, visiting them regularly and also maintaining strong relationships with her foster siblings.

She has continued on with her art, but only ever as a hobby. Her friends continue to push her to try and pursue it as a full-time career but she loves her job working with animals, and doesn't want to give that up. Despite that, she does commissioned work for people on the side, but because her job is so demanding already it's a rather rare occurrence.

‏‏‎ ‎

PERSONALITY:

At first, Jennifer can come across as rude and uninterested, but this is just her way of avoiding letting people get too close. It will take time to break down that tough, uncaring exterior she puts on, but once it's done, her true personality will come through. She can be volatile and insecure at times. She struggles to trust people and let them in, and rarely talks about her biological parents or her first foster family. The memories still haunt her from time to time, but she does her best to focus on the positives.

She returns to Daegu to visit her family as often as she can, and still speaks in her native tongue often, finally being proud of her Korean heritage and wanting to celebrate it rather than hide it to save herself from other people's judgement.

Her temper can change quickly when she feels vulnerable or threatened, and can be quite harsh when she's in a bad mood. She bears grudges for a long time, and if anybody upsets her she won't ever forget about it. She may forgive, but the relationship will never be the same again. At times she is also overly-sensitive, and small comments made can stick with her for a long time and cause quite a big impact on her, and leave her questioning her worth and abilities.

But, Jennifer is very compassionate. As seen from an early age, she has a very nurturing personality, and will look after anyone and anything that needs help. This quality is what makes her so good at her job - her caring nature and love for animals combined makes her a brilliant veterinarian.

With strangers, she can struggle to initiate conversations and it takes time to gain her trust, but once it’s done and she lets people see the real her, they will have a loyal friend and someone to lean on and be loved dearly by.

She is also incredibly tenacious, and once she puts her mind to something she will see it through no matter how difficult it may be at times.

Reassurance and small gestures of affection are her love language, both for herself and for others, so she will go out of her way to remind the people in her life how loved and important they really are.

‏‏‎ ‎

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

closest friend(s) - these will be the people she’s most comfortable around and can be completely herself with. they probably know a little bit about her past, but not the whole story

colleagues - fellow veterinarians, or other staff at the clinic

neighbours - she has her own apartment, so there’s a few options for neighbour type connections

ex-boyfriend - will have been during college years, can have ended on good or bad terms, could even still be feelings there if we wanna get real angsty with it

past hook-ups - again, probably during college years, can be awkward or not, i don’t mind

enemies - people that she doesn’t like or don’t like her, or someone from her past that did something to really upset her and she’s holding a grudge still

#hocintros

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theyearsiturnedintoaghost · 3 years

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Hello, Is This Thing On?

Hi! (as mentioned above). Do people still use this thing? I have no idea. Years ago, and I do mean YEARS ago, I had one of these. I didn’t use it for much, just reposting things, following humans I’d met in online communities, a ‘celebrity’ here or there, sometimes screaming about shit I couldn’t control into the void that is the endless scrolling interweb, and being pointless in wasting my time between classes, work, and twenty-something. Regardless, my previous tumblr had minimal followers, made minimal impact, and that was okay. It was honestly just a nice place to sort of hide in plain sight. Still be part of a social world without actually having to do much. This was also pre a billion other apps and social media outlets to express yourself or scroll mindlessly at a million other pointless things that people were posting to make you giggle or even just stop for a second and think.

Clearly, the point of this, back then, felt like something I would use to help propel my writing career. Turns out, it did not. I did not write much, if at all. And most of the time I think it was because I was scared nothing was as good as any of the other stuff I was reading from people I liked, and thought were so much cooler and smarter than me; I still feel this way all of the time, but I do realize this was me being nervous, small minded about myself, and completely unconfident.

Unfortunately, I am still most of these things a lot of the time, but recently, after getting fired from a job, having my heart broken by pretty much everyone on the planet, especially a few specific people, cancelled by all of my friends (?) - this is a thing btw. (It’s not as awful as being cancelled publicly, but it does still ruin your life, mindset, confidence, and overall physical and mental wellbeing) Getting a new job, hating it and feeling like I was going no where, and missing out on living a life I felt proud of and that I was actively participating in, I decided maybe I should just try to write it all out and see what happens.

To be frank, I expect nothing of this. I can’t fathom a world where anything I have to say truly matters to people because lets be real - everyone has this own shit and everyone is going through so much all of the time. And we all think we have something new, quirky, interesting, and important to say. And in a world that constantly shoves perfection down our throats and works so hard to make each of us feel completely inadequate to every Kardashian, Beyonce, Grande, etc., it’s hard to really think that anything I have to say will matter to anyone; at all.

(I also hate that all of my ‘perfectionist’ people were female, but maybe it’s harder to compare to Golden Boys when you are a female. Either way, there are many boys/men/theys/thems that are put on a pedestal and made out to be perfect out there, as well, and they deserve that notation as well. I just have no points of reference off the top of my head, so please forgive me; I am trying to do this in a stream of consciousness type thing.)

I mean, the truth is, I’m a fucking mess. I’m 33, single, living at home, afraid of my own shadow most of the time, and spend about 98% of my time alone. I pay for a phone plan that I literally only use to send memes to my two sisters, and that’s about it. I rarely receive texts, invites out, or even calls to make plans for something. And while a lot of this is my own doing - again, I did cut off most of the world after I realized I was sort of the joke to a lot of people - it’s still kind of pathetic, and entirely uncool. I am not a socialite, or someone cool and trendy, and to be honest, I kind of never want to be.

Which is a semi-false statement, because years ago, when I had one of these previously, I sort of hoped it would work out and that I could write and be ‘cool.’ Whatever the fuck that means. But now, years later, I’m honestly beyond glad I am not cool; not in the slightest. Maybe that’s making it to your 30s? Maybe the trade for having to create a daily routine of lathering up my body with like 9 different versions of FDA-Approved-Vampire-Juice on my skin to prevent me from looking any older than I already do, you in turn get to have a brain that finally realizes... having a ‘normal’ life is honestly pretty cool? Normal is clearly subjective here as everyone is normal, famous, notoriety, or not; They’re all still humans and people with feelings, thoughts, and emotions. This is a hard thing to realize when you see stadiums full of people screaming at Harry Styles (Boom! found a male perfect in this scatterbrain) or hundreds of paparazzi lined up to take photos of every person on a red carpet wearing clothing that costs as much as my student loan debt (Which sidenote, is VERYYYYYY much). It’s hard to fully realize that maybe some of those people who became ‘icons’ never really knew what they were getting into when they signed that deal with the Devil to make them seemingly immortal; especially in a world with the internet where everything can exist forever (or until the world explodes, clearly). But maybe getting into my 30s and removing myself from most social media outlets, even listening to the news, or caring about whatever fucking popular haircut was in this season (it’s always bangs, and I’ve already made that mistake. No thanks), that I learned to realize - the truly most important people in your life are the ones that stick with you when it’s tough. When getting out of bed is so hard your limbs ache and you cry every morning on your way to work, at your desk behind your computer screen hidden in a corner, or in a bathroom stall during your lunch break. The normalcy that comes with realizing your prayers to ‘just make it to five o’clock,’ are heard and that you are just so thankful for that that you don’t even desire the innate feeling in most of our egos to stand out, be seen, ‘Make it’ in a way that lets people notice we ‘succeeded.’ Maybe this only comes with the realization of how nice it is to go to a grocery store braless and unnoticed.

Maybe this is also something I, and so many of us in this point and shoot viral world, are trying to still learn.

Sure, a lot of days I still crave being able to make a perfect Pintrest project, practice my Late Night interview with Letterman where I sound funny, charming, and likeable to all walks of life, or recreate a recipe from the New York Times website so great that The Barefoot Contessa finds out through word of mouth, and comes to my basement hide out, and offers to give me, a fellow barefoot loving bitch, her title and crown along with a glass of wine and a kiss from her husband, Jeffery. We’ll both laugh at how lovely it feels to be Barefoot ladies who understand that wanting ‘fame’ or ‘recognition’ in your twenties is only really a pathway to destruction by your 30s.

And this is not exactly something that I learned easy. In fact, I spent most of my twenties destroying my body with drugs - plenty of hard ones - and alcohol - various kinds of the same things - in order to numb my brain from the sadness that is just... being young, lonely, scared, unsure of yourself, and nervous that all of your hopes and expectations for yourself in your ‘dream life’ are too much for what you and your actual self will ever be capable of ever becoming. That I would never become the comedian I dreamed of being, or sing the perfect song in front of a crowd of admirers, or write that best selling book to tell everyone who thought I was nothing they could go fuck themselves. It’s something I still have to remind myself, and my brain and ego, that are most likely things I will never do because those are lottery dreams. And people you know don’t actually win the lottery. And at the end of the day, I am people you know. And sometimes it breaks my own heart to realize I may never feel that rush of making a crowd laugh, or creating a piece of art that makes someone feel seen, but as Pam, from The Office said, and I am paraphrasing, ‘there is beauty in ordinary things.’ And I think reminding myself of that as I sat on the beach this summer and watched a dad teach his son to surf, and how happy they both were when he got up, gave me that brief feeling of... being okay. I won’t lie, I did cry a little at this realization at that moment, and I am slightly teary now as I write it, but I think I’m not ashamed of that because being normal means I get to feel things as I do, in that moment, and that is something I think I lacked in my desiring-bigger-flashier- twenties; actually being present in the world and your place in it. Even if that is just as small as being kind to a random person on the street.

I think that is why everything I felt I wanted to write never came out correct. It never came out ‘Perfect.’ And that was my problem for most of my life, even up until today, I’m afraid that I am a perfectionist in the ways that are preventing me from becoming... me. I’m still fearful that I am too late in ever ‘accomplishing’ anything I ever dreamed. I doubt I will ever actually write a book. I’m unsure I’ll ever make a decent living. I am beyond doubtful I am ever going to be loveable to someone whom I also want to love back. And maybe I’m a little scared that I’ll never have a kid, or that if I do have a kid, I’ll never be a decent parent. And I’m still working on breaking the cycle of thinking something has to ‘sound’ or ‘be seen as important’ to be meaningful. There is beauty in the ordinary. I’ve started to make it my mantra. Spoken in my head every time I see a teenage couple holding hands walking in town, a father holding their baby close to his chest, a woman dressed in a power suit striding through an office building or city on their way to make their own careers or push equality further. I’ve started to dream of how actual normalcy makes the real changes. How every 4th grade teacher has a chance to change some kids life.

Clearly, a lot of these personal fears I have about myself not being ‘enough,’ or doing something good enough to become successful at it and build a life out of it, are monotonous fears and privileged middle-class complaints. I’m aware they may not resonate with anyone, anything, or mean much more than just being an online public diary entry to my own meandering thoughts, but, still - I finally felt like I had to try.

So here it is, the whole truth on how I let myself become a ghost for years.

I hope someone will stick around while I just... try to explain it all, figure it all out, and hopefully make sense out of even being whatever a human who is hoping to grow even means. Hopefully, something here will resonate with someone else and we can create our own little weirdo corner of the world where we’re not seeking more than just trying to be honest with ourselves and what it means to be human. Even if that means just posting a recipe for banana bread (thank you Gwen Steffani for keeping me able to spell Banana), reposting random memes about how we all want to scream for 30 seconds and feel better, or sad-girl diary entry posts about how I ruined my own life a million times over. Oh, and maybe I’ll give you tips on how to stain your wood deck, because I spent my day doing that yesterday and basically, Home Depot is calling me to be in their ADs.

But at the core of it all, lets be very real, it’s hard to be human in so many ways. And I’m just hoping this connects with anyone. Especially any of us who wished we were different - in any way.

xoxo

-K

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himbowelsh · 4 years

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You can totally ignore this if you want but I could I request some sad headcanons about the guys. Like how they deal with ptsd or insecurities or traumatic childhood incidents.

Richard Winters

dick isn’t emotionally open in general. he keeps things in. that’s how he was raised, how he’s grown up, and the only way he really knows how to cope with things. talking about his feelings... is uncomfortable.

that said, he processes them well. dick doesn’t let negative emotions fester. he finds releases for them, either through doing things he enjoys or spending time around his loved ones. he’s not the sort of person to linger on things.

will definitely overwork himself when his mind is in a troubled place. being productive helps him so much. focusing on things he can control, things that need to get done... sure, he’s going to bed at 3am, but it’s not because he’s upset, it’s because he was working.

doesn’t... like being alone when things are on his mind. it’s too easy to get sucked in, for those loud thoughts to drown everything else out. being around other people... not sharing, but just not being alone... it helps.

Lewis Nixon

*summon the folger’s theme song* the best part of waking up... is an obscene amount of high-shelf liquor in your cup!!

hey, it’s nine o’clock... in the morning.

literally. nix is of the opinion that if you can’t drink the bad thoughts away, then they’re not worth thinking at all. the thing is, his brain summons them anyways, because brains are awful like that.

he’s got a lot of trauma!! so much trauma!! his childhood was miserable, his family’s the worst, he feels like a disappointment and has no desire to try to prove himself to parents whose love was questionable from the day he was born...

lots of insecurities too. can you tell?

he won’t talk about any of it unless he’s really, really drunk, with someone he counts among his closest friends. then sometimes the negativity just rushes out. he can’t help it, and it gets ugly.

otherwise, he broods, he holds it all in, and he drinks. would he benefit from therapy? yes, absolutely, but alcoholism tastes so much better.

Carwood Lipton

this is a healthy man right here

he copes with things. lip has interests, outlets he can channel his frustrations into, and the ability to rationalize things internally and get them off his chest. most things don’t weigh on him for long, because he’s got those sweet coping skills.

this isn’t even angsty. he doesn’t have a lot of emotional angst. he works through things, mostly by processing them on his own --- but if something’s really weighing on him, lip will turn to his most trusted person (his mother gives great advice) for an outlet.

Ron Speirs

heh heh. ohhhh boy.

he’s... he’s speirs, okay. he’s not gonna open up and talk about what’s bothering him, because that’s his business, and no one else needs to know.

ron... gets impulsive. reckless. places less regard on his own life. he’ll do obscenely risky things because he’s kind of an adrenaline junkie; that burst of danger actually helps him cope with what’s bothering him. at least, it gives him a good reason to keep going.

he retreats into himself when it comes to anything emotional. broods a little, but if anyone asks what’s on his mind, he won’t say a word.

“well, we’re all on a steady march towards death anyways, does anything really matter? no. i’m already dead so nothing has any consequences. yeet.”

jesus christ, get this man some therapy.

Harry Welsh

talks it out. literally, he’s just... gonna share things. he’ll literally just do that.

harry sometimes can be an oversharer, but he never really learned to put a filter on his emotions. it helps that he’s sort of the “water off a duck’s back” type of person; he doesn’t take a lot of things personally, so when he does need to rant about something, it’s usually big. he turns to his loved ones, because he trusts them, and usually they can help.

but it is kind of weird for guys like nixon and winters, whose life mottos are “i’ll keep all of my emotions right here and then someday i’ll die”, to hear harry be like “I’M UPSET TODAY AND HERE’S WHY”. like... he really doesn’t care who knows what’s going on in his soul, huh? he’s really able to open up like that.

(harry is the most emotionally healthy man here, good for him)

Buck Compton

it’s called impostor syndrome, and buck has it.

he’s a confident guy, but under the surface, has insecurity in spades --- he feels like he has a lot to live up to, and doesn’t believe he’s doing everything well enough. he’s supposed to be exceptional, and that’s a heavy burden to bear. there’ll be a part of him that’s always going to feel like he’s not good enough.

like... he seriously doesn’t know quite where to begin when processing negative emotions, because he feels like he should be able to deal with them himself. his first instinct isn’t to talk it out, or seek out positive outlets; he keeps it all inside because he feels he can handle it.

don’t get me wrong, buck handles things well --- he’s resilient. but every so often, the emotions just get so overwhelming, and boil up like a toxic spill inside of him; it can get overwhelming.

Eugene Roe

conceal don’t feel buddy

look, gene... never acquired coping skills growing up. it wasn’t anyone’s first priority, and he had too many sisters monopolizing his mother’s time. as a kid, gene had genuine anger issues, and would get into trouble often, because he just... didn’t know how to deal with what he was feeling.

his grandmother was the one who stepped in and taught him how to pray. that’s the closest thing gene has to comfort; he is quietly devout, and turns to god in his darkest moments when desperate for some guidance. if he can’t talk to anyone else about what he’s feeling --- and he usually prefers not to --- he can speak freely to god.

but god can’t help him shoulder his burdens. genuinely, gene just needs to learn to open up and share. keeping everything bottled up... is not good for him.

George Luz

laugh the pain away, until you no longer can.

people assume george luz processes his emotions in a healthy way. these people are incorrect. his “fake it til you make it approach” isn’t the worst, but 9/10 therapists would not recommend. (the 10th is luz, doing his best impression of a therapist.)

he laughs things off. it’s easier than to do that than to let people in. george hates burdening others with his feelings. he’s got a natural talent for keeping peoples’ spirits up, so bringing them down with him is... a frightening idea. it feels like failure.

for the most part, george is good at keeping things in and processing them internally. if something’s really bothering him, people close can tell --- he hardly smiles, and his jokes aren’t as funny as they are dark --- but he’s usually able to recover without any help. he’s good at dealing with things on his own.

he tries not to drink too much, because if he gets really really drunk, he loses his grip. then it can all come spilling out, in a big messy wave of feelings, and he’d prefer to avoid that at all costs.

oh gosh, there’s this amazing fic that actually centers around babe and roe dealing with their problems, but there’s this one scene with luz, and it breaks me

Joe Toye

in a word? not well.

joe dealing with things... is not a pretty picture. he prefers to not deal with things, to be honest, because it’s easier to pretend all the emotional shit doesn’t exist and just push it down until he can’t feel it anymore. sometimes it even works.

truth is, joe has a lot of insecurities, and really struggles to deal with them. they plague him]... and while he can channel some of it into anger (there’s a reason my modern!toye takes up kickboxing) a lot of it just gets sent straight to depression central.

it’s not something he talks about easily, either. he wasn’t raised in an environment that encouraged men talking about their feelings; joe comes from a tough irish family where everyone, especially the men, are supposed to keep a stern face and power through. he’s only able to opens up to a few trusted people (malarkey, maybe guarnere, maybe luz). when the emotions reach a boiling point... they don’t have anywhere to go. they feel like they’re going to consume him.

he’s contemplated some dark things before, and it’s not something he’s proud of.

Bill Guarnere

what the hell is this man even made of???

bill takes all his negative emotions and converts them into fuel. every tear his body forces him to shed adds an extra year to his life.

he’s incredibly resilient, and can power through pretty much anything. losing his leg didn’t take him out for long; sure, it was a blow, but he bounced back from it as strong as ever. losing his brother was agonizing (worse than the leg, honestly) and it made bill furious --- but that fury kept him going, and kept him alive. he reacts to grief by turning it into anger, and once that anger dulls it’s just raw energy keeping him moving.

bill copes by being around people. honestly --- just put him in a room with his best friends and his problems gradually fade out. it’s not like he bares his soul to them; he just needs to be around friends, enjoying life. their presence helps him work through things better than any therapist.

(peak extrovert energy omg)

Babe Heffron

just like bill, babe also recovers by being around his favorite people.

he draws energy from them; it’s like he’s low on cash, so he asks his buddies for a few dollars, but in this case it’s emotional stability. babe just copes better around other people.

left alone with his own thoughts... things can get messy.

this man doesn’t do well with being alone in general --- he feels isolated, almost forgotten, and will seek out the nearest person just to chase those dark feelings away. when babe’s struggling with something, he also struggles with how to deal with it. the emotions are like a pot bubbling over inside of him, and he’s fighting to make sense of them all. he can’t do that alone.

he has to express himself to someone. ideally someone he trusts, but it might just end up being whoever’s available, or whoever’s nearby. his dark emotions are very potent, and very painful; it takes a while for him to be free of them completely, but having someone else help make sense of them (or just offer reassurance) helps.

he’s a crier. he’s not proud of it, but when babe’s really at his brink, he cries. it’s an ugly sight.

Shifty Powers

just freaking... goes off into the wilderness.

no, literally. shifty needs some quiet time. when he’s struggling, he’ll take his gun, take his car, and vanish for a while. (that sounds... worse than it is. shifty’s not the kind of person to consider hurting himself.) he just disappears into the woods.

the longest he’s ever been gone was two whole days... but he always returns with a clear head, willing to talk things out.

Joe Liebgott

he just... straight up doesn’t, man. he doesn’t deal with shit. he pushes it aside, forces it back --- it’s not exactly repression, because the Bad Stuff is always there on the outskirts of his mind at all times, lieb just actively chooses not to deal with it.

(he’ll pick any fight except the ones in his own head.)

you’ve got to understand, he’s had his share of trauma. he didn’t have an easy go of it before the war, and definitely not during. liebgott collects emotional baggage like baseball cards, and at this point he’s got a full set.

if he can run from the emotions, he will. this leads him to self-isolate, cutting himself off from the people who might be able to help; he doesn’t want to share all the negative emotions, because he doesn’t know how. at his worst, he also tends to lash out, and... other people don’t have to deal with that, okay?

joe will put off dealing with things for as long as possible, and never truly deal with them at all.

David Kenyon Webster

writing is literally his therapy. putting his emotions down on paper helps. formulating them into words is like a release, and having them laid out in front of him, where he can analyze it all lets him look at the problem objectively. webster writes just to get things out... sometimes because he can’t bear to hold it all inside any longer.

he also loves sailing, partly because of how freeing it is to be out on the open water. he’s completely in control of his boat, and can go anywhere, anywhere in the world --- if he wanted, he could leave everything behind. the notion is tantalizing.

webster really isn’t open about his negative feelings with others. when it’s something personal... it takes a lot for him to open up, and he’d have to trust that person implicitly. a part of him feels that baring his emotions is just an invitation to be mocked, so he’s hesitant.

at least he processes them. he’s not tormented by things, because he’s got his releases --- writing, and sailing. if the mind is a prison, they set him free.

Donald Malarkey

catch malarkey right there in that kickboxing class with joe toye

look. don feels things deeply, and takes things personally. he can’t help it. he doesn’t let go of things; if he’s been hurt badly, it’s an open wound on his soul forever, and it never heals.

he’s never a wreck. like, he’s perfectly able to function, and has a unique ability to power through even in the darkest moments... but those shadows are always there, and they weigh on him. they smother him. he can never really escape.

tends to avoid the topics which hurt him; when they come up, he can get testy --- or worse, teary!! --- and that’s not something he wants to burden anyone else with. his greatest hurts are very private things to him, and he doesn’t want the people he cares about affected by them.

Skip Muck

skip channels his bad feelings into energy, and that energy needs to find its way out.

he’ll play guitar and sing along really aggressively. he’ll deep-clean the entire house. he’ll run just to feel the burn in his lungs, the ache in his limbs, until he’s too worn out to feel anything but exhaustion.

honestly, he gets a little manic when something’s bothering him. he needs to chill.

skip is... more willing than most to talk things out, so long as he has someone he trusts. it’s not too hard for him to open up, he just needs to be able to open up to the right people. his sister is a frequent confidant, as are malarkey and penkala. skip doesn’t like many people seeing the darker side of him, but being able to talk about his feelings helps immensely.

Ralph Spina

genuinely... doesn’t have any baggage.

no childhood trauma. no agonizing breakup story or betrayals. no emotional damage whatsoever. and when something is bothering him, his instinct is to just talk it out, and then it’s done. this man sleeps like a baby.

it’s freaky.

#eat up that sweet sweet emotional trauma #band of brothers #headcanons #tw depression #tw self-harm

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dolohcv · 4 years

Text

❝ A fire, a fire is burning! I hear the boot of Lucifer, I see his filthy face! ❞ huh, who’s ZAZIE BEETS? no, you’re mistaken, that’s actually EDEN DOLOHOV. she is a THIRTY-ONE year old PUREBLOOD witch who is a DESIGNER FOR TWILFITT AND TATTINGS. she is known for being APATHETIC, DISCOURTEOUS, ARROGANT, DISHONEST, and BIASED but also TOUGH, FOCUSED, PERCEPTIVE, SKILLFUL, and DECISIVE, so that must be why she always reminds me of the song BLOODY MARY by LADY GAGA and DANCING IN A CROWDED NIGHTCLUB, MUSCLE ACHES AFTER A LONG RUN, TOUCHING UP YESTERDAY’S EYELINER, THE TANG OF FRESH LIME JUICE, BURNING YOUR FINGER ON HOT CANDLE WAX. i hear she is aligned with THE DEATH EATERS, so be sure to keep an eye on her.

tw: murder, sibling death, general violence.

history.

eden dolohov is a woman for whom there have been little consequences for bad behavior. it comes with the territory of being in a family that values power over everything else — magical power, power that stretches across generations, power that comes from something deep and pure from time immemorial.��

antonin dolohov — her grandfather and guiding patriarch of the family — gains a compassionate release from azkaban by claiming insanity. and maybe he is, but he’s certainly not fragile. he returns to his son, maxim sr., daughter-in-law, aminata, grandson maxim jr, and granddaughters eden and dasha as a quieter man, but no less fanatical. no less dedicated to the dark lord, whom he believes to still be alive.

antonin sees eden’s fierceness and drive from a young age. she takes to magic like a grindylow to water, has a wand in her hand (lent from her mother) as young as seven. her tantrums are legendary. her power is frightening. but instead of being punished she’s rewarded for her violence, given toys and sweets and pretty things. “an excellent weapon,” antonin says, beaming. “you’ll serve our dark lord well.”

maxim jr., the intended heir, tries, tries, tries, but just can’t manage to do the same things his sister can. his jealousy burns as bright as her talent. his frustrations? he takes out on dasha.

dasha is a squib. there are never any bubbles appearing from nowhere, no literal bouncing baby girl, no levitating crayons. eden loves her little sister in spite of it — maybe because of it, as she’s never in competition with her non-magical sibling. antonin suggests the family toss her off of the third floor balcony to kickstart her magic during one of his drunken rants. only one family member takes this idea seriously.

[ SIBLING DEATH, MURDER TW ]

when twelve-year-old eden finds nine-year-old dasha crumpled at the foot of the stairs, fifteen-year-old maxim jr. looming over her with a mixture of shame and triumph written all over his face, she absolutely loses it. she casts the first spell that comes to mind, a spell she’s never tried before, a spell she’s only seen her grandfather cast on training dummies. with a flash of purple flame, maxim jr.’s chest caves in on itself and blood spurts from his mouth. he’s dead before he hits the floor.

her father takes the fall for these murders — aminata can’t lose a third child in as many hours, and antonin can’t lose his prized gift to the dark lord. maxim sr. figures he faces time in azkaban that will end with a returned dark lord’s interference, but his children’s deaths coincide with a major child welfare reform bill (authored by astoria malfoy) being passed by the wizengamot, and he receives the dementor’s kiss. [ END TW ]

within a year eden has a new stepfather and little sister. she finds it easier than she thought it would to let aminata become a borgin, to grow cold and unkind and attracted to violence as an outlet. she sees something of her own fierceness in victoria. likes her. she’s not dasha, that’s for sure — but that’s a good thing.

present day.

by day, eden serves the wealthy clientele of twilfitt and tattings with a mixture of hatred for the retail profession and a love for fine clothes and luxury. by night, she is an eager soldier for the death eaters, positively reveling in the destruction she is capable of causing. her particular brand of violence is calculated and specific. she regularly offers ideas to her fellow death eaters on ways to twist the knife (literal or figurative) deeper into their victims.

for eden, cruelty is the point. after all, it’s all she knows.

—

STATS

name. eden natalya dolohov

birthdate. 14th february 1998

place of birth. st. mungo’s

family. aminata borgin (formerly dolohov, née mbaye) — mother, maxim dolohov sr. (recipient of dementor’s kiss) — father, maxim jr. –– older brother, dasha (deceased) - little sister, victoria borgin — stepsister, nicholas borgin ii — stepfather, various younger half-siblings

occupation. designer and seamstress at twilfitt and tattings

gender identity. cis-woman

romantic orientation. biromantic

sexuality. bisexual

blood status. pureblood

relationship status. single

pets. a bat named vladislav - vlad for short.

HOGWARTS / MAGIC

house. former ravenclaw

allegiance. the death eaters

n.e.w.t. grades. defense (o), charms (o), herbology (o), potions (o), history of magic (o), ancient runes (a), care of magical creatures (p)

wand. ash, 10 inches, dragon heartstring core, springy

boggart. her sister’s ghost, asking why eden didn’t protect her

amortentia. the deep woods, gillywater and gin, limes, clean fabric.

magical strengths. hexes, curses, herbology, legilimency (to an extent), occulmency, potions.

magical weaknesses. transfiguration, care of magical creatures, spells that require positive emotion (ie. patronus charm, boggart banishing spell)

PERSONALITY

zodiac.

sun - aquarius - “…aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It’s difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop–they’re generally on top of things…”

moon - aquarius - “…whether due to character or conditioning, moon in aquarius people often grow up feeling “different”. although rather sociable, they are often loners at heart…their inner feeling of loneliness–that they don’t quite fit in–puts them on the outside, looking in…”

rising - libra - “libra rising generally appear to be smoothing everything over. they have charming smiles, a gentle approach with others, and an easygoing image. even if they were not endowed with good looks, they are attractive. most pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance – the colors they wear, their hair, the way they walk…libra rising people can be enormously persuasive, although they will almost always use a “soft sell” approach when they want to win others over, which is all of the time!”

mbti. - ENTJ

+ efficient, self-confident, strong-willed

- intolerant, arrogant, ruthless

#potterintro #///FINALLYYYYY

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taiwanfan67 · 3 years

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mvnvgedmischief · 4 years

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144 gurl YOU KNOW IT

“Teach me how to play?” asked from this prompt

1.5k words

remus was not unaware how much time he and sirius spent together. the relationship they had was so different from the relationships he had cultivated in all those years alone. when sirius had returned, it felt like coming home, but the home he was coming back to was so different from the way he remembered it. the first wizarding war had stolen so much from him. it stole his best friends, his lover, his youth. remus was living on borrowed time long before he re-acquainted himself with fenrir greyback, but he hadn’t anticipated living on it afterward. for the majority of that first war, he had been cautious in a way his friends were not. he had claimed repeatedly that this wasn’t like a quidditch match. when it was all over, there would be no celebration that they all could attend, no armistice between the two sides when the going got too tough. it wasn’t like dueling at school, where the aim was disarming others. no, this was a war, and the five of them would not all survive it. but when he had made those soliloquies, those generalizations, remus never actually anticipated witnessing their truth. he believed so strongly that he would have died in greyback’s camps, or on injured himself to greatly during the moon to outlast any of his friends. but here he was, while the second wizarding war was brewing, his arms wrapped around the man he would always have a home in. sirius orion black. the star quidditch player turned auror turned prisoner. sirius orion black. the brightest star in the constellation of his life, the guiding point of his purpose. sirius, who needed remus to put him back together when his thoughts got too distant, who’s tattoos changed with the phases of the moon, who’s trembling fingers combed through his hair when he remembered all that he had lost. sirius orion black, who might have been named for a star, but was remus’s entire universe.

in all that time alone, remus had acquired many skills. he was lucky enough to be raised muggle, to have muggle friends from his youth to go back to. he was lucky enough to know what a world looked like, that didn’t toss him aside or label him a monster, or lock him in a cage once a month. he was lucky to have a dad who worked in the ministry, who could get his hands on wolfsbane to control remus’s furry little problem, who had a rural cottage fenced in around the perimeter so remus could not inflict damage upon the world as greyback once tried to convince him to. during that time, remus had rekindled his love for music, had stoked his writing passion with odd jobs as an editor, and settled down into the quiet life of a librarian. that was, until albus dumbledore turned up on his front step. albus, who made remus feel like he owed him something, who had abused his power over sirius and forced his hand, who used remus’s condition to his political advantage, who was now using harry the same way he used sirius. remus had a complex relationship to the man, and to his greater good platitudes. he didn’t like dumbledore, but he understood the cause. what he didn’t understand was how he could let sirius rot in that cell without trial for twelve years, how he could let his lover come back this broken. he didn’t understand how he couldn’t help remus until he needed something, despite how thankful he was that it put him in the right place at the right time to reunite with something that had been taken from him.

remus was lucky still, that he had outlets for all of his complex emotions. ways to make the wizarding world feel less like a prison cell. things like his guitar, something he learned to play when he was twenty two, in cardiff, and completely alone. so deeply lonely, were those nights when he stayed up trying to remember sirius’s favorite songs so some day when sirius woke him up and told him it was just a nightmare, he would be able to play life on mars? and watch sirius’s rosebud lips burst into the widest smile, because he knew it was one of his favorites and he had done something for him for once. the denial eventually ended, and then came the guilt. the guilt he felt for not telling james and lily to be more careful, the guilt for not suspecting sirius, the guilt for not protecting peter. all that guilt would culminate in remus playing crazy little thing called love because james put it on when the marauders all got drunk for the final time during seventh year and he and lily danced like no one was watching. he would play dream police and remember the excitement peter had when he returned from christmas holidays with a record for their player because “remus you didn’t tell me muggles were so cool.” and it would wash over him like high tide that everyone was gone and the only person who knew why was in prison without a trial and probably never really loved him in the first place if he would hurt him like this.

but then the map changed everything. the map that showed him peter pettigrew was alive. a best friend he once mourned turned traitor who stole his best friends and his lover out of his arms, out of his life, and didn’t even bother with an explanation. but he still didn’t regret mourning, because he was not mourning the man peter became, he was mourning the friend he once was. and now, here he was, at thirty two, in the bright light of the early morning sun, watching the beams of light illuminate his once lost lover’s face. he was watching him wake up peacefully for the first time in a long time, and when his amber gaze was met with the cool silver of sirius’s early morning haze, he felt like his broken pieces were so much more mended than they had been in years.

“alright, moonshine?” “just glad you’re home.”

sirius’s eyes glanced around the room, and there, poking out of the closet, was something he didn’t know remus even had. there was the silhouette of a guitar, something sirius had so desperately wanted in his youth. sirius, who grew up playing piano and string bass, who never met an instrument he didn’t like, who wasn’t allowed a guitar because it bred rebellion. sirius knew the shape anywhere, but he didn’t know why his moony had one.

“you play guitar?” “yeah. i uh– picked it up a long time ago.” i was trying to replace the melody of your voice between my ears. i was trying to relive the happy memories we had by recreating the soundtrack.

“moony, you’ve been holding out on me. a whole year, and you didn’t think to mention it once?” he whined, sitting up in bed and stretching his long arms above him. remus was so glad that in the last year they’d had the opportunity to relearn each other. that sirius had allowed him to relearn the way his vertabrae stuck out from his spine, like a long line of knots that tethered his body together. sirius had allowed remus to reacquaint himself with the dips and peaks of his body, both the ones he recognized and the new ones. to understand what remained of him, and to learn not to miss the parts that had rotted away in that cell, but to find beauty in the things that bloomed in the decomposition.

“teach me?” an arched, dark eyebrow rose, and remus thought the sight of it would drive him mad. this was a glimpse of sirius, in his whole and absolute form. not sirius, who just woke up from a nightmare, nor sirius who was struggling to differentiate between past and present. it was sirius, without the qualifiers of the trauma and the war marring his mind. this was sirius who was doing as well as he could be, and sirius who was healing and progressing in ways neither remus nor his mind healer thought possible.

“yeah, i’ll teach you, you bloody prat.” he feels his eyes glass over, and his head is suddenly heavy as his heart swells with pride. he leans into it anyways, tawny curls falling across sirius’s angular shoulder as remus rests his head.

“what’s wrong, re?” his voice is laced with concern, reminiscent of all the times that he’s had to put remus back together again. those twelve years apart had aged them, and even now, recovering from the trauma and the turmoil they suffered, the two were still slowly putting themselves back together again. sirius was just as responsible for the masonry of remus’s sanity as remus was for his, each taking every good day like bricks and stacking them one on top of another to someday have rebuilt the structure of their lives.

“nothing. just happy for us, padfoot.”

“yeah, me too.”

#wolfstar #oops my finger slipped #i was gonna do this in the au but then i had this thought #sirius black x remus lupin #wolfstar drabble #wolfstar one-shot #wolfstar fluff #dizzymisssally #my shit

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shadyb00ts · 3 years

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How 2020 Turned Me Into A Swiftie Again

If you’d told me a few years ago that I’d have not one but two Taylor Swift albums in my year-end favorites list, I would’ve thought you were out of your mind. Then again, stranger things have happened in this hellscape of a year.

I’m really not sure where the first time I heard the phrase “Life is too short to pretend to hate Taylor Swift” was. I have no idea who originated it, but it stuck with me when I started to unpack that about a year ago, during her Lover era. By then, my perception and feelings about Taylor had been very... inconsistent, to say the least. I started out as a full-on stan, then it dwindled from there overtime until I basically became a hater, which then turned into indifference but silent respect. Now, I’m pretty much on the road to becoming a stan again. Revisiting her catalog, analyzing her lyrics, watching interviews, the works.

I wanted to examine what it was that made my opinions about her go through so many steep rises and falls within this entire decade. Part of it was her shift in musical style that I didn’t quite mesh with, but another part was owning up to the internal biases I had when I was younger and how gullible I was in going along with whatever the media or the popular conscious was saying about her and the kind of person she is.

I’m somebody who’s incapable of separating art from the artist. I simply don’t listen to artists when I don’t like them as people or don’t agree with their actions. Examples include but are not limited to Kim Petras, Melanie Martinez, Azealia Banks, Grimes, just to name a few. I have my own personal reasons for just not wanting to engage with any of their music, and if you still want to, that’s none of my business.

At some point in my life, I think Taylor got on that list. Looking back on it now, I find that completely ridiculous, because she never really did anything or acted in a way that warranted that reaction out of me. So I wanted to delve into how that even came about in the first place.

With that said, I want to take a trip down memory lane and go back through her eras, and go through the timeline of my strange relationship with Taylor Swift’s body of work as well as her public persona. Fair warning, it’s gonna be really cheesy and emotional at parts, but it is fully my truth. Thank you in advance if you manage to read the whole thing.

Part 1: The Country Era

It’s 2010 and I’m in eighth grade. I’m in an extremely Muslim country, the only son of an extremely Muslim family that enrolled me in an extremely Muslim school. I’m getting bullied by the boys in my class for being too feminine and being ignored by the girls for being a boy. The last close friend I had from elementary school had just moved away the year prior, and I’d never felt more alone in my life.

I was a closeted gay kid still trying to figure himself out and hating who he was. I escaped to cringey online chat sites like IMVU and catfished as a girl, because at the time I thought the only way to get boys to like me and want to be with me was to pretend to be someone else, someone I actually liked.

When I think back on this era, I mostly remember the girls in my class obsessing over these three albums and singing her songs with each other all the time. I desperately wanted to join them and fangirl with them over her music, though of course they never gave me the time of day. I remember I would memorize so many of her songs and write them all down on a special notebook I kept. When I wasn’t paying attention in classes, that’s what I would do; scribble out a collection of all the songs of hers that I knew by heart.

To me, these three albums represented a certain kind of vivid fantasy. Taylor’s songwriting has obviously grown exponentially over the past decade, but even back then she was always so damn good at storytelling and detail, painting you a very clear picture of a scene and placing you right there. For a miserable, self-hating fourteen-year-old gay boy that was always seeking escapism from a homophobic environment, this was the perfect outlet for me to live out a different kind of life, to play pretend.

I honestly can’t explain what it is about her style of songwriting but she always made me feel like I was genuinely experiencing everything she was talking about. Things like kissing in the rain, riding around in the truck of the boy of my dreams in a tiny one horse town, shedding teardrops on a guitar that I definitely didn’t own, experiencing crushing heartbreak. This was stuff that my sheltered ass couldn’t comprehend.

Taylor perfectly captured that ideal, that small town girl with big dreams and storybook romances. I was in love with her discography at the time, having memorized pretty much the entirety of Fearless because that was my favorite of three. Middle school was hell for me, but her music was definitely something that helped me pull through, because she sent my imagination into overdrive.

This was a time in my life where I didn’t really care yet about an artist’s public image or the media’s portrayal of them, It was purely about the music for me. Of course, when looking at these albums now, there were a few questionable choices she made lyrically, I have to admit. Particularly with songs like “Better Than Revenge” and “Innocent”, both having aged terribly with the former being bafflingly misogynistic and the latter being about Kanye. As of my writing this, Taylor is currently in the process of re-recording her old catalog, and I assume that she would skip these two songs in particular, as well as several others that haven’t exactly aged well.

This era really got me through some tough times and she provided much-needed relief for me within each of these three albums. I’ll always have an attachment to them because of the bittersweet memories they represent.

Part 2: Red

Red I decided to put in its own category, because this was kind of a weird era for Taylor. Even back when I was an ignorant teenager that barely had any critical thinking skills, I felt the dissonance of this album and its Max Martin produced singles. This album represented Taylor dipping her toe into pop music, which she made abundantly clear when she decided to release We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together as the lead single.

I actually remember this moment quite clearly. She premiered the single at some kind of fan event that I believe was streamed live on YouTube, and either I watched it live or I watched the full recording of it later on. At the time I remember feeling it was kind of bizarre to hear Taylor adopt this style of music, because it was so drastically different from her previous work and it took me a while to adjust. Obviously I enjoyed pop music at the time as much as I do now, but I just hadn’t been expecting it to come from Taylor.

Fortunately it was just the three singles that were full pop, and the rest of the album still had her signature DNA and also includes some of her best work. All Too Well, for example, is I think one of the best songs she’s ever made, if not the best. I think if I were introducing Taylor to someone that’s totally unfamiliar with her, that would be my first choice, because it’s a masterwork in songwriting and emotionality.

I do think the thing that irked me the most about this album and era, even to this day, was the lack of cohesion. Of course I figured that she would eventually venture into pop music, but the way in which she did it just felt a bit too jarring to me. Perhaps if the album had a more even distribution of pop songs and country songs, it would’ve been slightly more palatable for me. It’s not even that the three pop songs were bad; they were quite good for their time. Though to be completely honest they’re the songs I barely ever return to any time I listen to Red now. They’re the kind of catchy pop songs where it’s difficult not to get sick of them at a certain point in your life. I’ve grown to really dislike the lead single, and even 22.

Her image was also starting to get much more scrutinized by the media around this time. I think this era probably marked the sharp rise of the “Taylor Swift has too many boyfriends!” argument people loved to throw around. I wish I could say I was smart enough to not buy into that shit at the time, but I wasn’t. While it didn’t bother me, it was something that I wondered about, why she dated and broke up with so many guys at such a young age. It was something that I judged her for. Obviously I didn’t yet understand that it was normal for people her age to date around. Plus it gave her some great material.

By this time, Taylor was making the gradual transition of country sweetheart to pop star, and while Red was kind of a rocky start to that, naturally she managed to pull it off. But not quite flawlessly.

Part 3: The Pop Era

Okay, I have a lot to say about these girls.

I think this era started off strong with 1989. It was a more fully realized version of Taylor’s little pop experiment, and it actually had the cohesion that I needed to be able to fully adapt to this new style she’d cultivated. She wrote yet another one of her best songs with Blank Space, which I like to think was a precursor to Reputation (and dare I say that one song did Reputation’s concept better than that album as a whole?).

However... Shake It Off. I’m sorry, I just hate that song.

WANEGBT, the first single off of Red, isn’t exactly the best song either but it made sense as to why she chose that as the first single. It was to signify her dabbling into pop. Reputation’s first single I also am not the biggest fan of, but again, made perfect sense as an introduction, but I’ll get to that later. Shake It Off, though? For the life of me, I have no idea why this song was the first single. Or to be frank, why it was even on the album at all.

I’m sorry y’all, I just hate it. Everything about it. The verses, the chorus, the appalling rap bridge. She should’ve kept that song in the drafts and released Blank Space as a first single, and that’s a hill I’m willing to die on. Sorry Shake It Off stans, but I’m sure all three of you will get over it. ❤

That said, 1989 had some excellent songs, and I was finally starting to get used to Taylor doing pop. However, my excitement and enthusiasm for her music started to falter due to my weak mind at the time once again getting swayed by the media.

This time, I began to see Taylor as someone that seemed to be very calculated and conniving in the way she curated her image. Something that didn’t sit well with me was the “girl squad” stuff, and how all of the women she surrounded herself with were essentially these supermodels with unattainable beauty standards, and also believing the rumors about how certain famous women were given private requests to join Taylor’s “squad”. And then of course, the Kim and Kanye thing happened. #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty trended worldwide, and that was probably my earliest exposure to an instance of a celebrity getting canceled, so I was just happy to join the bandwagon. My opinion of her shifted like that, and it’s crazy to think about it now, how I barely had the capacity to form my own opinions and was easily influenced by everything I heard.

Despite me kind of joining the Taylor hate train, I did like Reputation as a concept. I liked how she disappeared from the public eye and came back being like, “You want me to be the villain? The snake? Fine.” Look What You Made Me Do, as I mentioned before, was the perfect choice for the first single despite the song itself being sonically....not the best. The music video and the line about how the old Taylor couldn’t come to the phone was an iconic moment in pop culture, I have to admit that.

I didn’t listen to the album as a whole until later, though. I was having my own hang-ups about Taylor that I think are silly now, but at the time when I didn’t like an artist I would mostly avoid their work. When I did listen to the album, though, I thought it was... okay. There’s one standout track to me and that is Getaway Car, and it’s the only song from Reputation I can say I fully adore to pieces. The other songs on there I either just like, or I find to be meh at best. (Also I know Ready For It is objectively a bad song but I really enjoy the chorus, don’t @ me, @ god)

A few years later, Lover happened and.... Once again, horrible first single. ME! is a genuinely atrocious song, and I have no idea how esteemed, prolific songwriter Taylor Swift managed to reach a point where she had a song with the phrase “spelling is fun!” in it. I feel the exact same way about this song as I do about Shake It Off. It had no business being in the album whatsoever.

As far as Lover the album goes, this came out around the time where I was kind of feeling indifferent toward Taylor (which is hilarious if you know what the first track on it is). I was much more politically aware and had learned not to put too much faith in white women, and I was focusing on other artists so much that Lover barely even came onto my radar. I listened to it once, thought it was meh, and moved on. I revisited it earlier this year and realized I was a bit too harsh on it the first time around. Sure it was her weakest album overall, but it wasn’t bad by any means. It was perfectly alright, and there were songwriting moments within it that were still quite strong. The title track and also Miss Americana comes to mind as standouts.

She started to become more vocal politically around this time. A lot of people thought it was too little too late, which was a fair point. However to me it made sense that she stayed tight-lipped about politics when she was younger, considering she was operating within the realm of country music. Plus, upon watching her documentary, it was pretty clear she had old white men behind the scenes telling her what she should or shouldn’t say, to make sure she maintained that all-American country girl sweetheart image. Still, I do agree with the people who thought that she should’ve used her platform sooner.

Oh and for the record, I think You Need to Calm Down is a terrible song. The video was cute, and the message behind it is fine, but I just hate it sonically.

At this point my interest in Taylor was probably at an all time low. The era started off strong with 1989, but it progressively got weaker. She just wasn’t really giving me much in terms of lyricism, and her pop productions were starting to blend together to the point where a lot of them were sounding very same-y. Lover to me marked the point of stagnation in her music; it was solid enough, but it just wasn’t going anywhere. We’ve seen Pop Taylor, she was cute for a while, but what else? Where does she go from here?

Well... She went into the woods.

Part 4: The Cottagecore Sisters

When I heard about Taylor dropping a surprise album, I suppose I was intrigued. She is one of the few artists that are successful enough to be able to make a move like that and cause a lot of buzz and excitement. I didn’t think much about it though, because my 2020 at that time was still inundated with SAWAYAMA and Ungodly Hour on repeat. On a whim, though, I decided to listen to it one day, not expecting much out of it.

Earlier when I was talking about her country era, I mentioned that Taylor’s storytelling and her penchant for detailed descriptions were my favorite parts of her writing. Her innate ability to transport me into other worlds, to provide escapism when my life became too much to deal with. I feel like these aspects were missing in the several years that Taylor focused on pop music. There were flashes of it in some of her later work, sure, but very few. She was becoming a huge mega superstar and her songs started to lose that sense of relatability that had been easy for me to latch on too. These things definitely contributed to my loss of interest for her work in general.

And then Folklore managed to bring me back to that place of fantasy I described before, but heightened. Elevated. Evolved. This is why I think that Folklore is Taylor Swift’s magnum opus.

Storytelling is without a doubt her strongest skill as an artist. To be able to construct not just a narrative but an entire world through songs is not something anyone can pull off. Throughout her pop era, there was always that something missing because I knew that she was capable of more. I couldn’t explain it well back then, but despite her penmanship still being commendable during those years, it still felt oddly lackluster. I knew she could do better, but I didn’t have the proof yet.

This is it. Both Folklore and Evermore showcase exactly what I knew she was capable of. This is Taylor Swift at her most creative, at her full power.

I think in a recent interview I watched (though I can’t remember which one), even she herself acknowledged how it would’ve been a disservice to continue strictly writing autobiographical songs, and so she decided to write from the perspectives of multiple different characters while also occasionally inserting herself and her life experiences into these narratives. She essentially created her own folklore and managed to make me invested in characters that don’t even exist.

I have to talk about the love triangle trilogy: cardigan, august and betty. It’s a testament to her songwriting ability that these fictional characters feel like real people. The story of Betty, James and Augusta/Augustine is just so well done to the point where I forget that it’s Taylor Swift singing. When I listen to these songs, I am fully imagining the characters she conjured up.

The song that I find the most profound out of the three, and also happens to be my favorite song on the album, is august. To me, it is the most heartbreaking song out of all of them. I relate so much to that girl who’s hopelessly in love with someone that just doesn’t give a shit about them and is merely using her for a summer fling. And it’s not even like I’ve experienced something similar to this in real life, Taylor just somehow made it relatable with the sheer power of her pen game. It’s even more heartbreaking considering we don’t know what happened to this girl, if she ever managed to find happiness, because in the Long Pond Sessions Taylor mentioned that Betty and James eventually got back together. They got their happy ending, but what happened to Augustine?

I can’t believe she’s got me this deep in my feelings over non-existent teenagers, I swear to god.

Just when I thought Folklore was going to be the end of this new side of her for a while, she releases Evermore in December, its sister album. While I don’t think it’s quite as strong as Folklore, it still delivered immensely in terms of lyricism, productions and vocals. Evermore’s release pretty much solidified the realization that I was basically becoming a Swiftie again, a whole decade later.

I was embarrassed by that thought at first, but honestly now I’m at a point where I don’t think there’s anything to be embarrassed about. Taylor is too skilled of a songwriter for me to consider her a guilty pleasure. I just needed something to help me come to that conclusion, and these two albums did just that. She finally gave to me what I was waiting for.

Final Thoughts

I don’t really stan artists the same way I used to now, which I mentioned previously in my review of Chromatica. I don’t deify them or hold them to an impossible moral standard they could never live up to anymore. I see them as flawed human beings that have the capacity to make great art. So when I say I’m becoming a Swiftie, I’m still fully aware that Taylor Swift is a thirty-one year old rich white woman who is bound to have shortcomings and missteps as a person. In my mind, she hasn’t done anything drastic enough or stupid enough for me to become uncomfortable in listening to her work. I had my own ideas about how she could’ve been fake, conniving, manipulative or whatever else the media was trying to convey about her, but there really is no way of knowing who she truly is as a person.

Celebrities and influencers have the power to curate their image however they want. The relationships they have with us, the audience, are entirely parasocial, so of course we base our judgments of them based on very limited knowledge, or just the surface-level view of what they’re like. I don’t know if Taylor is as down to earth and genuine as she appears to be now, and I honestly don’t need to know. If she does things I disagree with or acts a certain way that deserves criticism, of course I’d still call her out, and depending on the severity of what it was she said or did, it might end up with me not wanting to engage with her work anymore.

But the reality is, as a person, I’ve realized that she is just fine. I was holding on to a certain idea of her in my head where I think at one point I dubbed her “the Anne Hathaway of music”, meaning someone that comes across too perfect to the point where it seems calculated and disingenuous. But honestly, I just don’t feel that way about her anymore. I don’t feel particularly attached to her as a person, either.

But I do feel an attachment to her music. At the end of the day, that’s where I’m standing now when it comes to her. I don’t have any expectations or delusions about her as a human being, and I’m not going to remain devoted to her if she does something dumb, but I believe that she is an insanely gifted artist who has written so many songs that genuinely speak to me and make me feel intensely. She lost me for a while, but now I’m right back in it.

So yeah, like I said in the beginning of the post, life’s too short to pretend to hate Taylor Swift. I’d rather just pretend to live in a mystical small town as a sad gay witch. And I’m at peace with that.

#taylor swift #taylor swift eras #folklore #evermore #swifties

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