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pers-eids · 9 months

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i miss my mommy.

i’m twenty-two years old, and i miss my mommy.

maybe it’s because i’m finally moving out, moving on, and this is the last chapter of my childhood that is left, and it’s ending. it’s ending, but not of my own volition; i would stay young forever, if i could, and watch over my brother and sister while they play, and make simplistic lunches for the three of us, because the responsibility always fell to me, and i could try to protect them better than i did. than i have.

i miss being four, before the first of my siblings was born, and knowing with absolute certainty that my mother was mine; that she loved me, that i was her little girl, that she was my mom and nobody else’s. i wasn’t especially jealous as a child—i never fought for her attention, not that i remember, because i was old enough to understand that a baby was the priority. i wasn’t jealous, or overly dramatic, but there came a time in my childhood when the responsibilities of a mother were pushed on to me, and suddenly i was to nurture, to comfort, to protect. she fed them, changed diapers, played out the legal requirements that come with parenthood; all the physical things i couldn’t do because i was too young. i’m convinced if i’d been older then that would’ve been part of my role as well: to provide. suddenly i was all of these things, and the mother that i’d previously had just…disappeared. it wasn’t like she’d never existed, because i saw her here and there in smaller increments, but the mother that i grew up knowing—that held my hand and dolled me up and dropped me off at preschool and raised me the way only a mother ever really could—she wasn’t mine anymore.

i learned about sex in elementary school, as was apparently common amongst my peers, and i knew the word ‘rape’ at nine or ten. what i should’ve known, if my mother hadn’t been so negligent, was that the game i’d been talked into playing several times with the neighbor girl my age was actually assault. my understanding of rape at so young an age was that it was always violent, and it was always done by men to women. i had absolutely no idea that what my little neighbor had done was considered rape. no idea whatsoever. my grandmother, the one on my dad’s side, had always made it clear that children should know the in’s and out’s of their bodies. my christian mother had always despised the idea, just as she despised my father’s mother, and sometimes i want to blame her for what happened to me. if she hadn’t been such a goddamned prude, if she had only explained what intimacy was, and that it was only ever done by consenting adults, i know i likely would have told someone before i completely lost my chance.

then, of course, there’s the events that have occurred between my mother and the other members of my family. there’s the abuse, the narcissism, the neglect, the gaslighting, the hate speech. there’s my two younger siblings who look to me as their mother, who’ve accidentally called me ‘mom’, who have no emotional connection to her. there’s the time she hurt them, the meals they’ve gone without, the danger she’s put them in. there’s my dad, who was a victim to her reign of terror, who loved her despite it, who looks at her now and sees nothing of the woman he loved but still feels guilt for talking badly about. there’s the years of trauma that i am still trying to unpack, to make sense of; screaming matches, weapons being pulled, hissed voices, threats, flinches, hate, hate, hate. there’s the way my mother looks at me like i’m delusional, like i will never know myself the way i claim to, like it’s absurd i ever could. there’s the life i stripped from her by being born, whether it was her choice or not, and the fact that i am two years older than she was when she had me.

i miss my mommy. i regret so much, for the both of us, because a part of me still loves her, will always love her, even through all the pain i have had to endure because of her choices. i no longer believe in god, but i pray for her to whoever will listen, because i know when she prays for me it is with a name i no longer use. i pray she finds herself again, and spends the rest of her life begging my forgiveness, because i want her. i want her to love me, to like me, to see me; it is a type of want that fills up the black, rotted mass of weakened muscle behind my broken ribs, and it is far too great a beast to ignore. i want my mommy. i miss her. it’s as simple a statement as anything, yet i cannot dare to confess it to her face, much less utter it from the tongue she made me.

e.p

#isnt it so beautiful?#i miss her more than anything #and still i am nothing #i am her flesh and blood #but still she sees nothing #mommy issues #original work #writers on tumblr #literature #original poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #poems

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dazais-crab-addiction · 9 months

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Tonight I learned that my 20 yr old partner has never played chess and doesn't know how to play chess. This is mind boggling to me. They claim its not weird for people to not know anything about chess so I. I need to see. Please.

Okay so, I made a mistake in not elaborating the meaning of the options. You do not have to be good or know what you are doing in the slightest to pick that you have played before. The middle three options are for your understanding of the game having never played it at all. The reason there's a percentage on the last option is because my partner made a tumblr so they could pick it because they think they are hilarious.

#crab says words #chess #tumblr polls #i learned how to play in elementary school and so did all my siblings #i use to play chess with random people constantly in highschool #im really bad at chess but its still fun to play ya know #i just am so shocked they literally knew nothing other than “the horses can move in an L shape”#i taught them how to play and made then play with me so dont worry i fixed the situation 😌#pls reblog this 🥺#i take it back!! my notifications will never recover!!! pls stop reblogging this!!!!!!

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kirby-the-gorb · 10 months

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#kirby #request #kofi commission #cuccicakes #daily kirby #my art #digital #hal laboratory #nintendo #I am still extra sick!#but I am well enough to finally get to this other commission I agreed to literally the day I got extra sick!#and make a couple doilies for the craft fair in december!#which is progress.#after basically doing Nothing for the better part of 7 days.

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itty-bitty-sunshine · 3 months

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Fazbear Entertainment did not program him to deal with that

#me and my homies kicking amatonormativity and aphobes this week so what better way than with a silly immortal comic?#posting this instead of sleeping its currently 2 am and moon is coming for my ass #i regret nothing #Moon will not let Sun live that down ever. 100 years from now he will still be making fun of him for that #sun: i think this thing in this program is very neat #moon; bored: thank you so much for telling me! its an absolute honor being your friend :)#sun: thAT WAS ONE TIME #meanwhile perkeo is taking a nap in the back #immortal au #dca au #dca fandom #doodles #dca fnaf #dca sun #dca moon #oc #sunshine draws #immortal au art🎨#comic

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xiewho · 3 months

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no time to celebrate

#drew this thinking their bdays were during night yorb summer for some reason #i went looking for the clip midway and when i saw it was the other way around i kinda died a little inside #BUT I AM NOTHING IF NOT COMMITTED !!!!#fantasy high #dimension 20 #fantasy high junior year #gorgug thistlespring #riz gukgak #so anyways we can pretend this is a time quangle thing yes yes #they fall asleep making the solar lasso and no one has it in them to wake them up (esp riz)#so the rest of the bad kids leave them stuff for when they wake up #joint birthday party is real and depressing ! but not really ! the power of friendship is still very real #dont ask me the logistics of the hangvan interior ill die #i dont wanna thnk about this piece anymore it aged me 10 years #my art

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petrichara · 11 months

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Trying to remember the last time I played hide and seek. The last time I said hi to everyone on the street or saw the girls I spent every day of six years with. The last time my dad picked me up, or my mum brushed my hair. When was the last time I dressed without consideration? There is so much to think about now. I remember falling on the grass at school and making stories with the clouds. Hanging upside down from the swing and realising how big the world was. I wonder on the path of growing when we stop feeling big. I am taller now, smaller still.

#growing up #girlhood #grief #I saw a childhood friend yesterday #she was working #and after twelve years of knowing her it had been a year #her hair is longer #her smile brighter #and the intense sincerity of the happiness we shared for one another was heavy and freeing all at once #I don’t know when we stopped playing #and I know life has gotten in the way #but at some point all our dreams became options #with the life I choose daily I am happy #and still #I wish we could go back once to when nothing mattered but how fast you could run #childhood friends #they know you even when you don’t know yourself #mine

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gloriousmonsters · 7 months

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love when you can ask the Narrator why the Princess is a Princess and he's like 'well i uhhhh YOU did that. maybe it's because uh... something something about her being above you... but still approachable... look i don't want to analyze or anthropomorphize your--' my guy. i am a primal being of Order and Eternity and Shaping. You're the one who convinced me I was some dude and were quite willing to take credit for shaping my view on the world through narration five seconds ago. Are you gonna look me in the eye and tell me the desire to interpret something worthy of adoration and more powerful than me as a dommy princess is written in the very nature of the universe or are you going to show me your browser history like a man

#this is a joke but the 'so where did i get the Idea of a princess from??' still stands #since we remember nothing and don't seem to have many ideas about like. what the world looks like #but when given the conception of 'we're a hero' from the narrator's Quest #we immediately go to 'so the thing you're telling us to kill is a Princess' -> i.e something I'm not SUPPOSED to kill #and in fact am supposed to respect and cherish #and/or pledge eternal loyalty to #(and then on a deeper level we KNOW that we're the dragon #we're the biggest threat to her we're what has the power to trap her and keep her here #we're a monster just like her)#but my point remains. as a god-entity stripped of memory where did we get the idea of a (human/like) Princess. do we still have like...#the threads of common narratives sort of built into our structure b/c we're the god-half concerned with Shaping and Naming and Order?#that would kind of slap #anyway uh. dragging myself offstage now #slay the princess #slay the princess spoilers #stp spoilers

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madootles · 9 months

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consumed with the urge to draw with ed holding cat. that's all

edit: metal arm wrong side bc canvas flip

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yooboobies · 1 month

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angel sunshine for an angel sunshine | for @huhfeatjhope

#bts #btsgif #dailybts #rékagif #hoseok #jung hoseok #bts hoseok #jhope #btsjhope #usersky #bebbi... it's your birthday but honestly i am the one who got a present with you.#a lot has happened lately but u stayed in my life even tho i would have understood if you'd have decided to leave #i don't know what i did to deserve this but i am so thankful #thank you for not giving up on me #you are a blessing for many people in their life #you are the best person i've ever known and what you mean to me cannot be expressed by words #i love you and i wish you nothing but all the happiness and sunshine and warmth and love in this world #happy that even tho we are both terrible at texting back we still keep in touch and i can call you a dear friend #happy happy happy birthday darling! may you always stay the sunshine that you are!

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lizzibennet · 2 years

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per anon’s request, i present to you THE best version of beatrice’s monologue in much ado about nothing. i thought about cropping this but decided this scene must be watched in its full glory

#the way i've watched this so many times and it makes my heart RACE still #DO NOT SWEAR AND EAT IT! so perfect #the anger. the CHEMISTRYYYY #the change from you to thee. WAAAAAAAAAA #danielle brooks do u want my first born? do u want my LIFE? i will lay it down for u #much ado about nothing #shakespeare #video #anon i am spiraling and its ur fault #if this doesn't convince u to watch this MASTERPIECE nothing will #many reasons why this is my favorite production #this is chief among them

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hoshiina · 11 days

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pairing: hoshina soushirou x gn!reader (no prns)

summary: in which he realizes you were the one for him

warnings: none i think !

wc: 1100

Hoshina wasn't a player. He wasn't one to say yes to everyone who came his way nor was he one to lightly pursue just about anyone who slightly interested him— not to mention he didn’t fall easily to begin with. He was a busy man in a dangerous line of work so having a relationship simply didn’t make sense most of the time.

However, this is not to say he hasn’t had a few relationships here and there. He loved those he dated, he really did. He did not believe in dating for the fun of it nor did he believe in starting a relationship he knew would end at some point, but subconsciously he tried not to get attached. He kept his distance and locked away his heart to keep from getting hurt. Was it unfair? Well yes, but he was scared. Everyone has something that terrifies them greatly, this just so happened to be Hoshina’s.

Yet, recently he could tell that something was different with you. It had only been a few months since you started dating, but he feared the shift in his feelings. He knew what it was— he knew very well, but as soon as he admitted it, it would be over. There’d be no going back for him. He knew he was being rather irrational, he knew that if he sat down and confronted these emotions he’d realize they weren’t that big of a deal, but he couldn’t. He’s never been able to.

However, while fighting this kaiju, it became plain obvious that he was simply in denial.

It upset him how important you were to him, but more than that it upset him that he knew he was important to you. You had made it so painfully clear that he meant the absolute world to you and that broke him to pieces every single time.

To him it was easy being alone— he just had to make sure his job was complete before he died. If he could ensure everyone’s safety or at least help Mina out, there was nothing more he wished for. Yet while fighting Kaiju no. 10 today, when he saw his life flash before his eyes, his immediate thought was of you. If he died you’d cry. And that alone was going to get him home alive.

He’d rather die than make you cry. Especially not alone.

As he stood up again, he could see his blood dripping from his wounds and immediately it made him chuckle. You’d cry anyways when you see the state he’s in.

I’ll have to be around to wipe your tears at least, he said to you in his head.

He was incredibly lucky that you didn’t work on the battlefield, his heart simply would not be able to take it. But he did, and for you he’d have to get home safe. Even if no one else cared that much, not even himself, he knew you would.

All of a sudden, it was easy to admit. He was hopelessly in love with you, in a way he didn't know he was capable of. He wished that he would spend the rest of his life with you and he hoped you would spend the rest of yours with him. Perhaps he was just afraid and a little flustered to admit that he was important to someone, especially someone special to him too. He had seen how painful it was for those left behind, a little too often.

But there was an easy solution to that, he’d just get back to you safe every time. He just won’t make you worry and he’ll be there for you. This was supposed to be a dilemma, something he thought he'd stress over, but in the moment he felt eerily relaxed, definitely not like he was fighting an identified grade kaiju. The rest of the fight was a blur, he couldn't remember much. His head was clear but the fatigue had taken over at that point, but before he knew it, the kaiju laid in front of him still.

He was faintly conscious as they rushed him into an ambulance and patched him up. Once he was properly treated and awake, they had warned him to stay put and take it easy, but all he wanted to do was see you.

As soon as he left his assigned room, he immediately bumped into you. You had been waiting to be let in to see him. You took one look at the way he was patched up and tears welled into your eyes. He could tell you didn't mean to, you didn't want to worry him.

“Please don't cry,” he said softly, wiping your tears away. He couldn't help but smile at the sight of you. “I'm perfectly fine.”

“I'm not crying,” you said with a scowl on your face, but the way your voice cracked was not very convincing. “I'm so glad you're back.”

“Can't live without me?” he teased. He knew you couldn't live without him, but he couldn't either. Yet, now he even hated the thought of you living without him, let alone with someone else, so here he was. And here he always will be.

“Shut up,” you said. “You know I can't.”

He knew, but hearing you say that still made his heart flutter. He reached out with his right hand to grab your left and held it carefully. He leaned in to kiss you, but it was so much sloppier than the careful ones he usually gave you. Forgive him, he was terribly exhausted.

“I can't either,” he said, snuggling his face into your shoulder.

“You can't?” you asked, a little surprised. It broke his heart that he had possibly made you feel such way.

“Not for a second,” he said, still avoiding eye contact. “I'd rather die than wake up without you next to me, actually.”

You wouldn’t reply, so he brought his head back up to look at you.

“Oh, don't cry,” he said and chuckled a little, wiping your tears away as he kissed you again. “I didn't mean to make you cry.”

He hadn't let go of your hand and although he was gentle, he held it firmly. He didn't say anything, but he vowed to himself that he'd put a ring on it someday. He wasn't letting go of you ever.

You were the one for him.

#hoshina x reader #hoshina soshiro x reader #soshiro x reader #hoshina soshiro #hoshina #kaiju no. 8 x reader #kaiju no 8 x reader #kn8 x reader #IM SORRY I GENUINELY FEEL LIKE I YAPPED FOR SO LONG FOR THIS TO HAVE NOTHING REALLY #LIKE WHAT WAS ALL THAT FOR TRULY #who knows idk #ANYWAYS TYSSM FOR READING OMG #i still do hope u enjoyed i spent a little too long for this to end up the way it ended up #I AM SO EXCITED TO WATCH HOSHINA EP #i feel like rereading kaiju too #SO MANY HAPPY THINGS HAPPENING !!!!#i need to review his characgter i feel like im truly not understanding enough i do not know him well enough #TAGS PLS WORK I BEG

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ruporas · 1 year

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asking and receiving (bonus below readmore)

[ID: A black and white, digital Trigun comic of Vash and Wolfwood. In the first panel is a close up of Wolfwood's mouth as he says, "Vash". Accompanying it is a close up shot of Vash's eye, widen and cheeks flushed. Wolfwood presses a knee against the open space between Vash's legs and says, "Tell me everything you want from me." Wolfwood's face is equally as flushed. He continues to say, "I'll give it to you. Everything." As he talks, a wide shot shows the both of them in white space. Vash is sitting, leaning a little back with both hands pressed against the surface he's sitting on. Wolfwood is in his white dress shirt, stripped of the blazer. He's still leaning in with one knee in between Vash's spread legs, his right hand touching Vash's lips and his left hand behind his back.

The shot closes in on Vash's mouth and Wolfwood's hand against it, pressing down on the lower lip as he says, "You have to ask though. Go on." His hand moves down to Vash's chin, gently holding it. With a shy and uncertain expression, Vash hesitantly asks, "Um... K... Kiss... Please?" Wolfwood, without wasting a second, leans in and kisses him and indulges by pressing deeper, eliciting a small noise of surprise from Vash.

Wolfwood moves away from Vash first and with a smile, asks, "What else?" Vash tugs on Wolfwood's left sleeve, wordlessly budging Wolfwood to give him his hand that was still behind his back. In the next panel, Vash utters, "Hold me..?" He's holding Wolfwood's left hand with his own while his right hand is reaching for his waist. Wolfwood complies, moving his left hand to Vash's shoulder and his right hand continues to touch Vash's cheek. Wolfwood asks again, "What else?"

More comfortable now, Vash leans in to kiss Wolfwood. Wolfwood catches him immediately, pressing his thumb against Vash's lips to stop him before demanding, "Hey. Ask." Vash looks back in surprise and Wolfwood meets his eye with a quiet, insistent look. They're quiet for a moment before Vash leans in again and curtly requests, "Kiss. Me." Wolfwood says "Good", smiling as he lifts his hand away, and meets Vash's lips. In the next shot, Wolfwood had adjusted his position, sitting on Vash's thigh. The hand that was once on Vash's cheek has moved its way to Vash's nape, pushing away the collar of his jacket with his pinky. His other hand continues to grip on Vash's shoulder. Still kissing, Wolfwood asks again, "What else?"

In the next shot, Vash is starting to turn, moving Wolfwood with him. Vash asks, "Let me on top of you?" Wolfwood says, "Mhm" before asking again, "What else?" The next panel shows a close look of Vash's face. He's looking down, flushed and shy just as he had been at the beginning, but now, more decisive. Vash asks, "Wolfwood... Let me have you..?" A panel of Wolfwood taking Vash's hand into his, pulling it towards his chest. The next panel shows Wolfwood lying down where Vash had laid him. Vash's hand is on Wolfwood's chest, covering the cross of his rosary while Wolfwood's hand lingers against his, loosely pressing Vash's hand in place. He looks up at Vash with a shy smile of his own, flushed cheeks. He says, "All yours."

A panel shows a close up of Vash's tender gaze before he leans down to be closer to Wolfwood. The final shot is a front view of their positions, Vash's face turned away from the viewer; Vash is leaning over Wolfwood who's lying down with his right leg draped over Vash's legs. Wolfwood's left hand holds onto Vash's left arm. With finality, Vash says, "...Mine." End ID]

[ID: A follow up bonus comic in a looser, sketchier style. They're laying comfortably in bed when Vash asks, "What was that earlier?" referecing to the start of the previous comic. Wolfwood glances away and says, "To get you used to it. Asking. And getting what you ask for. Since you're alwasy hesitant about it." Vash's eyes widen, tight lipped. Wolfwood continues, "Knowing you, it'll be a tough habit to break..." When he says this, Vash can't help but laugh, unable to deny it. Wolfwood slowly brings a hand to Vash's cheek and continues to say, "So I'll keep trying -- whatever ways I can... to get it through your thick skull." Vash takes Wolfwood's hand with his, kissing the the palm gently. Wolfwood's eyes soften and holding onto Vash's cheek, he leans in to try for a kiss. Vash says, "Hey..." before stopping Wolfwood's lips with the back of his hand, a smug look on his face, "Ask." Wolfwood's embarrassed and with little irritation, asks, "Really?" Vash smiles, saying, "You're in need of practice too." They pause for a moment, Wolfwood looking contemplatively, before he's leaning in again, asking, "May I please kiss you?" Vash looks him in the eyes and says, "Yes." The comic ends with a "chu", indicating an off-panel kiss. End ID]

#vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #trigun #trigun maximum #it took me so long to post this even after getting clarification about the maturity warning and stuff #bc i am so shy about it. SDGMKDSGMKSD I LIKE THIS COMIC BUT IM ALSO SO LIKE... AUGHHHH....#when i posted this on twitter though it was like... a few days after ep 11? ive always had the thought circling about vash deserving of #asking for things... and getting what he wants bc he never gets both. doesn't get the opportunity to ask and hardly does he get what he want #maybe the results can go in his favor but at some point along the way he'll still lose something bc nothing can ever go perfectly for him...#and he's usually the one begging and pleading with people to not. do something. it's not even asking at that point it's just straight up #please believe me. please trust me. please don't shoot that person. please don't kill anyone. please don't do it.#and wolfwood.... it was not always this lovey dovey ok. he wouldv noticed this habit miles away and they got into a fight about it the first #time they talked about it bc wolfwood is being hypocritical too. as he always is!!!! but i think as they get more intimate #wolfwood finds ways to make vash understand. smth smth insatiable want and love and desire for wolfwood that makes it much easier to ask.#wolfwood can also just be so compliant. sometimes. which is also an issue in of itself that id love to explore at some point #but he also just enjoys giving into vash fully and completely.#bc he loves him a lot. but anyway #i hope the id is comprehendible.... please lmk if there's something wrong with how im doing it asfdgkdsmgs #ruporas art

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theoldkyokodied · 1 year

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Uploading all my Tomgreg art at once from the past few week before season 4 hits, who knows in what kind of mental state i'm gonna be once it does :')