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inkskinned · 1 year

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im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

#and there's something else in there about like ....#tbh once i got over something like 1k followers #i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON.#yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc #but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about #in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers #bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like #jesus christ lord almighty #every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me #each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!!#their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was #fucking cottagecore !!!!#like girlie this person needs THERAPY #again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc #bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this #and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!#aND THEY ARE!!!#something something something they know this content makes them money #they don't give a SHIT about u babe

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alchemania · 6 months

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Drowning.

(Emotions are overwhelming, sometimes too hard to traverse alone. Thankfully, she doesn't have to.)

“I'm accusing you of not being the Hydro Archon at all.”

Those words freeze her where she stands, and whispers fly throughout the courtroom, like vultures searching for a carcass. Wait, no. Nonononono. This could not be happening. No one was supposed to discover her, she had to fulfill the prophecy or everybody would die and all of this would be for nothing and– the glares from all around and the distrust freeze her in her tracks, and Furina can't breathe, breath catching in her throat so hard she chokes. “Wait! Wait!” she cried, shaking her head frantically. “Don't listen to what he's saying! I- I am the Hydro Archon I swear! I'm real! I'M REAL!!”

She had to be. She could be nothing else, or all was lost, all was for naught. She could not allow that to happen she WOULD NOT allow it to happen. There had to be a way, there must be some way…the water! Yes! She's moving her hands rapidly as she talks now, attempting to get away from the spider's web that entangled her further and further. Put your hand in the water, Furina, they said, and she did, she did, deadly determined to keep up the facade, to live out the role. But that was ultimately what undid her- the water, diluted as it was, would not kill her, but she exhibited the same symptoms as the diver boy- Freminet, was his name (he would be dead soon as well oh god. Oh god. And she knew he had only wanted to help, they all did, but they did not know that in doing so, they'd doomed themselves..)

“On the charges of impersonating the Hydro Archon, Furina-”

“No! No!” she screamed, tears flowing like a river. “Stop! STOP!!! You don't understand, none of you understand please Neuvillette LISTEN TO ME -” There was so much pain in his eyes, she noticed, so much turmoil. But he uttered the damning words, regardless.

“..is guilty.”

Guilty.

That verdict stopped her heart, and Furina stumbled back and crumpled into her chair, looking like one dead. At the eleventh hour, she'd stumbled. Five hundred years of lies and guilt all for them, all to save them, down the drain. It was for nothing. SHE was for nothing. What was the point of it all..?

“All this time, she lied to us?! But why?”

To save you, I had no other choice. But it doesn't matter now, anyway. The flood is going to come.

All of a sudden, a terrible shaking rocked the entire courthouse, and an otherworldly being, resembling some sort of whale, seemed to swim through the building, sucking in horrified onlookers. People screamed and pushed each other in a mad dash to the exit, and somehow, Furina felt her legs carrying her as well, running outside along with the crowd. Her worst fears were already coming into being - the unforgiving waves were rising higher and higher, and folks were scrambling - to rooftops, to the trees, wherever they could go to get away. Furina watched numbly, being unforgivingly bumped into and shoved aside as her people fled for any hope of safety.

It was gut wrenching, also seeing humanity shine through in these moments - someone helping an older lady through the streets so she didn't fall, a little boy picking up a frightened cat so it wouldn't be run over and tearing through the streets like the angels themselves guided his footsteps. But it would not be enough. Even so, she ran, splashing up puddles as her heels made contact with the ground again and again and again and again. “Get to higher ground!” Furina screamed, helping a young lady onto a rooftop. “Don't stop moving!”

The hands of disaster would not be held back, though, and as the people climbed higher and higher, some of them began to slip and fall- wives screamed and cried for their husbands, parents for their children, children for their parents, friends for their companions, and she could do nothing but watch it all happen, hopes and dreams dissolving just like her entire nation. “No, no no!!! Please! Stop!”

“Help us!!” People screamed, and she could not. There was nothing she could do. She was helpless, her hands were tied, and all she could do was watch. Lyney and Lynette held Freminet near to them as the waters rose, heads bowed in solemn acceptance of what was to come, and the boy sobbed, dreading the inevitable.

“It's alright,” Lyney comforted. “It's alright. You're gonna see your mother soon, you'll be together again, and we'll see our parents too- and - and we'll never be apart anymore. It'll all be okay.”

“I don't want to die!” Freminet wailed, and Lynette shook like a leaf, fear taking hold.

“.. I don't either. But, we'll embrace it hand in hand, okay??”

“Mhm.”

“I love you guys.”

“I love you too.”

The waters consumed them soon, and Furina couldn't breathe. They were gone. They were gone.

The next thing she knows, she's atop the highest building in Fontaine, and the waters lap at her feet, a silent but deadly testimony to all that had happened. She was all alone now…. everyone was dead and it- it was all her fault. Hollowly, Furina looked to the water, sobbing and crumpling to her knees. The water had changed - it was just normal seawater now, and she found herself frantically pawing in it, inconsolable. “Give them back! Give them back to me!!! I'll do anything I swear - I'll take their place, I - please!!! They didn't do anything wrong it's not their fault it's mine! IT'S MINE!!!!!"

Her reflection changed, and Focalors stared back. Furina yelped, scuttling back like a surprised crab, and sniffled. “Furina. Come here,” she called, and there was no anger in her voice, only sorrow. When the girl approached, the goddess looked ready to weep. “What have you done?” she breathed, horror marring her face.

“I- I didn't mean to, they- they found me out,” she stammered, “I-”

“You were so close,” Focalors mourned. “But it was all for nothing.”

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” Furina wailed, and the goddess sighed. “Please, I'll do anything - I don't care what happens to me -"

“There is nothing more you can do. You failed the task that you were given, and all is lost. I see now it was a mistake to trust in you.”

Furina's pupils shrank about three sizes, and she choked on air, shaking like a leaf. “I'm - a mistake?”

“Yes, Furina. You are a mistake. But it's alright, because I created you, and so the blame falls to me.”

“I- you - I had to suffer all this time, for nothing,” she wept, anger weaving its way into her veins, “You have no idea what I've been through! You don't - you could never know! It's your fault I had to go through all this! How- how dare you call me a mistake!!” Breaths ragged, Furina splashed the water furiously, again and again and again. “I'm NOT a mistake I'm NOT! TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK!! You said I was special!! You created me because you wanted me to live the way you couldn't!!! You created me because you BELIEVED in me!! WAS THAT A LIE, FOCALORS?! WAS ANYTHING REAL!?”

The reflection changed back to herself, and Furina was left alone with no answers. A beat passed, and the girl yanked off her hat and threw it into the water as hard as she could, screeching. Off came her coat, and her gloves, and she hurled them into the waves as well, screaming and crying at the top of her lungs. And Furina cried. She cried for all her people, and for all the pain she'd been shouldering, she cried for the pointlessness of it all, she cried because she was angry, she cried because she was tired, she cried because she was sad. And when she could cry no more, she hollowly stared at the waves, the waves that had doomed so many unfairly to a watery end. If she had just held on a little longer, if she had just kept up the act for a while more…..all would have been well. If she had been stronger, then..maybe..maybe-

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

Someone was calling her, and she curled into herself, wrapping her arms around her person.

“Furina,” the voice called again, and she looked up with red rimmed eyes to the heavens, chest heaving.

“No, not up there. Listen. Wake up. You have to wake up.”

“..what are you talking about..? The prophecy-- it's already come to pass it doesn't matter anymore -"

“Furina.”

She looked to the water again, and Tetsuya's face replaced her reflection, to her shock. “Wake up,” he commanded. “Wake up!” The image then sprang from the water, stopping her heart from fear as it grabbed her by the shoulders.

“Wake up!!”

Furina screamed raggedly, nearly tumbling out of bed, and Wanderer was right there, grabbing her face in both his hands. “Hey, hey!! It's alright! It's alright!”

“They're all gone,” the girl wailed, inconsolable, and he stared in bewilderment, face twisting almost comically in confusion.

“..huh?”

“Everyone- I failed, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please please you have to help me please - there has to be something we can do-” she can barely breathe around her sobs, and Wanderer shakes his head, slowly.

“No. No you didn't, Furina, listen. It was a dream. You were having a nightmare of what could have been.”

“Everyone is-”

“Alive, yes.”

“I'm not- a mistake?”

“....uh, excuse me?” Tetsuya asked after a beat of disbelief, expression darkening like a storm cloud had taken residence. “No…Who the hell told you that?”

“She- she said -”

“She's wrong, whoever she is,” he interrupted, and Furina sobbed, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Furina. I need you to breathe.” He took her hand then and squeezed, frowning. “Come on. In through your nose, out through your mouth.” The girl coughed harshly, sucking in irregular breaths, and after a moment of hesitation, Wanderer took Furina's hand and placed it on top of his stomach, breathing calmly. “Can you follow that?”

“M- mhm,” she managed, taking in a shaky but steadier breath, and the rise and fall of Tetsuya's abdomen guided her through the motions, slowly steadying.

“Good, good,” he nodded, as her breathing evened out. “..do you need anything?”

“Can- can you h- hold me?? Please?”

“Ah- alright,” he relented, and Furina leaned on his shoulder, sniffling roughly. “..do you want to talk about it.”

“..no…”

“Okay. Then we'll just sit here.”

And they did just that, silence only broken by the girl's quiet sobs.

“..what if everything went wrong??”

“The important thing is that it didn't. What you need to focus on right now is what you're going to do now that everything is over. It wasn't all for nothing.” He glared at her, then, but she could tell his anger was not with her. “And even if everything had gone to hell, you would not have been for nothing. Don't you let anyone tell you otherwise, not even yourself.”

“..okay..okay. .. Tetsuya?”

“Mm.”

“... I don't think I'm okay.”

He gave a bitter, hearty laugh at that. “I don't think anyone expects you to be, Furina.”

“M’sorry if-”

“If what? You were a bother? You woke me up? If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here,” Tetsuya asserted, holding her closer. “Don't you remember what you said? Emotions are a burden, never the person who carries them. And when you care about people, you carry them too.”

“You remember what I said…?”

“I remember many things. More than I would like to. Important thing is, you're not okay right now, and quite frankly I'm terrible at comfort and all that. But I can promise I can kill whatever gives you hell. I'll be here when you need me, and if you wanna cry, well. To hell with it. After everything you've been through, I think you kinda earned it.”

“Okay. Thank you…”

"Mm.”

“... I wish I could hear her.”

“What?”

“Focalors. She's not here anymore, but I wish- she could've told me she was proud of me. That I did good. That - I was strong, and. . I did my best.”

“Well, I'm not her. But I think you did a hell of a job,” Wanderer muttered. “Sometimes you have to be your own closure and accept that the people you need most will not be by your side. I would know. And- if nobody else, you tell yourself.”

“I.. I did good,” Furina whispered, tears falling fast, and Tetsuya nodded, rubbing her shoulder to soothe. “It hurt a lot.”

“It did, but the worst of it is over. And you are going to get better.”

“I'm gonna get better. I'm gonna heal.”

“And you're not gonna put yourself down when you have setbacks.”

“. .I'll try.”

“Sometimes that's all you can do.”

“Mhm.” She looked up then, eyes misty. “Hey.”

“What.”

“I love you,” Furina smiled wetly, and Tetsuya blinked twice, eyes also a little glossy.

"..uh huh," he mumbled. "Love you too.”

“..What?????”

“I'm not going to say it again,” he huffed, looking fit to blush, and she squeezed him hard, laughing delightedly.

“You love me, you love me!!!”

"Yeah, yeah, you wormed your way into my heart and I can't find it in me to kick you out. Is that you want me to say??"

"Yes," she grinned, and Tetsuya sucked his teeth.

"I'm in your corner. That's the best you're gonna get right now."

She leaned her head back on his shoulder, and Wanderer sighed, looking affectionately weary. "Geez...... I'm getting soft."

"Is that bad?"

"..well. Not as much as I thought it would be."

Sometimes, life was still hell. But at least she had someone to walk through the fire with her now.

#furina #wanderer #genshin impact #oh baby oh BABY #i think so much about what furina has been through and no way she does NOT have nightmares #just. constantly overthinks about what could have been better and everything that went wrong and tears herself up #it is A LOT #thankfully wanderer is here to help wahoo #as you already know i really like these two i hope they meet i hope they hug i hope they get to heal #it's so funny furina has already been through so much and im here like MORE ANGST MORE ANGST #originally i was gonna have her nightmare be even darker but i was like nawwww.....lemme not do that...#but anyway!! i hope you enjoy this i am actually proud of this ome #4.2 spoilers #I ALMOST FORGOT TO TAG AGAIN LORD HELP ME. SORRY ABOUT THAT

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