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gm--requests · 4 years

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Summoned Me - Hard Dom! Vampire! Seungmin

g e n r e - s m u t. fluffy-ish ending

w a r n i n g s - vampire! Seungmin, breeding kink, degrading, extensive dirty talk, explicit language, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, fingering, squirting, use of magically vampire hoo-doo, face fucking, oral (m. receiving), i don’t write vampire shit a lot so idk the technical term for the sucking of your blood is similar to a light aphrodisiac, crying, mentions of spells, this shit is wild idk what got into me... some of this is even a bit much for me in some ways...

o r i g i n a l c o n t e n t - i did write this

w o r d s - 5,513

r e q u e s t s o p e n - here

a / n - consider this my early kinktober gift. yes i did get carried away. it is also 3am and i’ve been writing this fic for like over 5 hours so please cut me some slack. if there any issues or missed warnings please let me know. anyways this is written with a plus-size reader in mind. anyone, of course, can read it, and i highly encourage it because i worked hard on this piece, but there needs to be a common understanding that there will be no dramatic throwing of anyone through a wall or anything lmao. like the plus-size community is hella underrated and i hope that i do all my babies justice. this is a vampire fic and it is my first time writing one so please bear with me. also please leave feedback if you have any. also please do not engage in unprotected sex unless you are in a long term relationship with a trustworthy partner. that being said please enjoy sex as much as you want with the use of aforementioned protection! i use the term “half breed” in reference to the fact that they would have an inter-species child. i’m mixed so please don’t try and come for my fucking throat. i know half-breed is a derogatory phrase, so don’t fucking use it to be racist. this wasn’t racism it was fact. it would literally be 2 different breeds of creature. don’t be a fuck hat.

At first it started out as nothing more than a harmless night with friends. Of course, the only reason you agreed to any of this nonsense is because it was Halloween.

“So, how does this work again?” Sejeong asks.

Joy groans, “Well, for the 47th time, we light these three candles,” she gestures to the candles set in a triangle on the middle of the floor, “then we are going to turn off the lights, say these magic words, and then-”

“Boom. Hot vampire man.” Nayeon finished, smiling widely.

“This is dumb and very much not going to work,” you answer.

Joy rolls her eyes, “Well not with that attitude!”

You laugh, “Plus, what’re we gonna do with one vampire man?”

“And what if he tries to kill us?” Sejeong asks, wide eyed.

Nayeon walks to the dresser and grabs her lighter, “God would never be so willing.”

You and Joy laugh loudly, Sejeong frowns softly, “Well some of us value our lives.”

“Weren’t you just crying yesterday about how much you hated being a broke college student and wished it would end?” Joy asks knowingly, turning off the lights as Nayeon lit the candles.

Sejeong crossed her arms, still pouting, “I meant I wanted college to end not my entire fucking life,” she mumbled.

“Well regardless of what you meant it doesn’t matter,” you began matter-of-factly, “because no Vampire is going to appear and no one's actual life nor college life will be ending any type of early.”

Despite the multiple attempts at “spells” and “summonings”, you were right, nothing happened. You all spent the rest of the night watching horror comedies and binging chocolate, ignoring your scholarly duties and the lame frat parties, happily. In fact, it wasn’t until the days that followed, that you began feeling strange.

First it started out with the feeling of being watched. Of course, in your disbelief you quickly wrote it off as paranoia and left it at that. How could anyone be watching you when you lived on the fifth floor of the apartment complex and the only entry ways were the balcony, through a locked glass door, and your front door that was also locked. You’d checked.

Next came the noises. You had been studying for a midterm at your desk one night, when you heard somebody whisper “hello” into your ear or at least that was your first thought, but then again, you did have headphones in and maybe you’d just heard some noise coming from the neighbors. Understandable, right?

However, when things began moving on their own or disappearing altogether you found yourself giving in and calling your friends. None of them believed you, even scolding you for trying to play tricks on them so long after Halloween had passed, even Joy seemed unimpressed. You swore to them that you weren’t playing any games, but that did nothing to help your case and once again you were left alone in your fear.

After a week and a half of dealing with these creepy occurrences, you’d had enough. Sitting up against the headboard of your bed, wrapped up in your blankets for security you took a deep breath and spoke, “Listen you stupid demon, I have a busy life and don’t have time for your bullshit. If you’ve got a fucking problem, let’s fix it so you’ll leave me the hell alone.”

You looked around your room waiting for something to happen, but of course nothing did. You threw your hands up in exasperation, “Maybe I am going fucking crazy,” you mumble to yourself.

Just as you readjust in your bed, the swivel chair at your desk rolls towards your it and you bolt up right. You close your eyes and take a deep breath, when you open them there is a tall man in a tailored black suit, leaning back in your chair. One leg crossed over the other, a small smirk plastered to his face. You go to scream, but find that you can’t even move. Your eyes widen in horror as the man in front of you uncrosses his legs and leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he props his head up.

“For someone who spoke so strongly moments ago, you seem pretty startled sweetheart,” his smirk grows as you look around the room frantically.

“Plotting how to get away? Already? But darling, we haven’t even gotten to know one another yet,” he says cheekily, “I think I’ve been quite a nice house guest.”

His eyes rake across your face and he frowns a bit, “I guess this isn’t much fun when you can’t talk,” he tilts his head to the side, “well, c’mon, say something. Entertain me.”

“Who are you?” you try to scream this, but find that you don’t have the strength quite yet.

“If you can be a good girl and stay calm,” his eyes set into something of glare, “then I will tell you what you need to know, mkay?”

You try to get up from the bed but find yourself straining, “Ah ah ah,” the man tuts, “you can stay there for a while.” He tilts his head again and smiles, it doesn’t take you long to notice the fangs in his mouth. He begins speaking again as your brain begins processing the creature in front of you.

“Now, let’s start over, shall we?” He looks at you expectantly and his smile falters at your lack of an answer.

“I’m Seungmin and it seems that you and your little friends worked very hard to summon me on Halloween night,” he sits up straight, “normally I ignore those types of things, especially on Halloween, but you all kept trying and honestly it was getting annoying.”

Seungmin stands from the desk chair and begins pacing as he speaks, you can’t help but notice how comfortable he seems, “Imagine your phone just ringing and ringing incessantly, that it is what you and your ignorant friends were doing to me. Now normally when annoyed, I show up, I ruin someone's night and I leave again, however, when I happened upon you four, someone smelt just so. Damn. good.” He stopped walking and turned to you.

“Now, not to get all Twilight on you or anything, but I couldn’t ignore the scent, if anything I’ll be honest and say it made me absolutely feral.” Seungmin began pacing again, “I very quickly realised that the wonderful, sweet scent was coming from you, not wanting to waste my energy on the other three, I decided to stick around. It was quite nice to see how unaffected you were by all of these things that your friends found so scary and you bothered me, so of course I had to have my fun.” Seungmin’s voice lowered an octave.

“I had a bit of free time and thought I’d work up my appetite,” He walked over to the side of your bed, bending down to be at eye level with you, “after all, after having seen you for a week, I’d be a fool not to see how lovely a meal you are.”

You shivered at his words and he chuckled in delight, “S-so you’ve been watching me for a week?” Your voice came out in a frightened whisper, but it only made him smile wider.

“Indeed I have, I’ve seen almost everything about you,” your face paled and he rolled his eyes, “I may be a vampire, but the concept of privacy is not lost on me, doll face.” Seungmin stood up to his full height and you were taken aback once again at it, especially compared to yours as you were sitting on the bed.

“That being said,” the smirk once again returning to his face, “you sleep in clothing that doesn’t leave much that needs to be left up to the imagination.”

“Well that is because I never expected some perverted fucking demon to be spying on me every night,” you spat, causing his gaze to darken.

“You sure are getting a bit feisty little girl,” he spoke carefully, “maybe you should watch your tone.”

You glare at him, struggling once again against the invisible restraints he had placed upon you, “Maybe you shouldn’t be such a fucking freak.”

He leaned down and grabbed your chubby face roughly in his hand, your eyes widened at the speed and strength in his grip, “I said to watch your tone, I’m your elder and I will kill you.”

Seungmin lets go of your face and you glare up at him, “Now, as I was saying before your little outburst, I am a respectful man and therefore, I am not unfair,” Seungmin walks away towards your balcony and opens the curtains. The moonlight shines brightly through the window and he grimaces, but doesn’t move away, “So I am prepared to make a deal with you.”

Your eyebrows furrow, “What?”

“Yes human, a deal. I will grant you three wishes, anything you want, and you let me return here to drink your blood until I’m satisfied.”

“You broke into my home, stalked me for a week, and gave me a fucking heart attack and now you want me to make a fucking vampire demon pact with you? Are you out of your goddamn mind?”

“Five wishes,” he turns to look at you, “It can be anything in the entire world that you want.”

“Five?”

“Yes. Five. I’ll even release you from the little spell I’m using to keep you bound to the bed,” he smiled at you brightly once again.

“Fine.”

As soon as you said it, you felt your body relax. You quickly moved from the bed and stood up. A shiver rolled down your spine as his eyes raked over you, “I swear to god that if you are lying or tricking me I will kill you.”

“You know this feisty attitude of yours may begin to grow on me.”

“Fuck you.”

“But we’ve only just met,” he replied cheekily. The man walked over to you and you did your best to stand your ground. He placed his hand on your head and ruffled your hair, you looked at him incredulously.

“So what are your wishes, firecracker?”

“Don’t fucking call me that and do not touch me. We aren’t friends. You are here to grant my wishes and I am here to be your 5 am snack and that is it. My first wish is for me and my friends to pass the rest of college, in its entirety.”

Your gaze never drops from his, “Second, I want a total of a million dollars put into my bank account, but not all at once! That will cause suspicion and frankly I don’t trust a bank to hold that much of my money at once.”

When you make this request and he shows no signs of stopping you, you continue, “Next, I want to be able to never catch any type of cold or flu again. Fourth wish would have to be, uh,” quickly you realize that coming up with so many wishes on the spot was harder than it seemed, but then it hit you, “people being more accepting of one another and my fifth and final wish is that I’m able to find great happiness in the future.”

Seungmin looked at you stupidly, “No offence, but your wishes are dumb.”

You put your hand on your hip and glare, “Are you just saying that because they are a problem for you, blood vacuum? Are some normal college girls’ wishes too much for ya?”

“I have to admit I might have lied earlier. I think I like you better when you can’t talk.”

Before you can reply, he puts a long finger to your lips and snaps his fingers with his free hand. You swat his hand away.

“There your wishes have been granted. This will be your proof that not only are vampires and magic real, but that I’m also, not fucking you over. I’ll be back every night until I can collect my end of the bargain. Feel free to get dolled up for me, sweetheart, I like it when my food looks appetizing.”

You scoff as he steps back and once again unabashedly takes in your flimsily clothed body, “Actually, something like this is just fine, you look so soft, I just wanna eat you up.”

You go to curse at him but in an instant he is gone. Leaving you standing in your pajamas in the middle of your room like a weirdo. Sighing you push your chair back over to your desk and crawl back into bed. You shiver and pull the covers up to your neck. Reaching over you grab your phone and when you look at the time you almost cry. What had felt like an hour's time, had actually been closer to three and now it was approaching 4AM and you could already foresee yourself struggling during your 7AM midterm.

-------------------------------------------------

The next morning, just as you thought, you struggled through your homeroom midterm and your friends weren’t shy about letting you know how awful sleep deprivation looked on you. You skipped your second class and headed straight back to your apartment. As soon as you were inside, you kicked your shoes off, dropped your bag by the table and went directly to your room.

“Welcome home, dinner.”

The sleepiness you felt instantly evaporated as your blood ran cold. You had convinced yourself it was a nightmare, it had to be right? Then how was this man, well vampire, laying in your bed?

“What in the fuck are you doing here?” You exclaim loudly.

The vampire put his finger to his lips shushing you, “Are you always this loud? It’s not even noon yet, you should be more courteous to your neighbors.”

“You can’t be real,” you mumble to yourself as you walk to the edge of your bed and sit down.

“You’re so cute when you’re in distress,” Seungmin teases as he comes to sit beside you, “but alas pretty thing, I am real and once you see your proof of wish number one, I’m going to have meal number one.”

“I think I hate you.”

“Honestly, I think you are judging too quickly,” he pouted, “I’m actually quite nice, giving you 5 wishes and all… I think you should be grateful,” he lips ghost your ear as he continues to speak, “especially since I could have just taken your blood by force.”

You stood up quickly, “I-” was all you got out before your voice was once again cut off and you were left paralyzed. Seungmin now standing in front of you, his glare cold as he looked down at you.

“Be a good girl and say ‘Thank you sir.’”

You glare up at him and as you go to tell him to fuck off, you feel your brain going fuzzy. Before you know it the words “Thank you sir,” are slipping from your lips. Your face heats up as you become flustered and he smirks down at you.

His hand pats your cheek, “What an obedient little snack.”

With those last words he is gone and you are given back your freedom. Though you know he is no longer there, you can’t help but wonder if he is watching you from the shadows and how powerful he actually is…

----------------------------------------------------

Seungmin comes to annoy you every single day, but never once does he attempt to drain you of any of your blood. Swearing that he was only waiting until he could prove that he wasn’t a liar. He’d also admitted to you that he made the deal only because the spell you used was one of summoning and protectance, leaving you off the “dining room table” as he put it oh-so cheekily.

The two of you bickered less as you got to know him more and despite not wanting to admit it, the vampire was growing on you. He was funny and intelligent and it was nice to come home to someone everyday. Even if that person was there to eventually snack on your blood. It didn’t matter as much once you realised you were starting to have feelings. Of course, it occurred to you that maybe there was some of his magic at play, but you couldn’t really come out and ask him. If you did and there was no foul play, you would be exposing yourself and if there was foul play, you’d be letting him know that he won and both were not options that you were willing to invest in so you kept quiet.

Two weeks after your exam was taken, your teacher finally got around to posting the grade. Seungmin stood behind you eagerly, proof of you passing this meant you were free game. It was 8PM when you got the email that your grades had been posted. Seungmin immediately forced you to go log into your school grading book. Soon you were sitting in your desk chair, web page loading. You couldn’t help but hold your breath in nervousness. Of course, you wanted to pass your exam and who wouldn’t love the confirmation that this vampire was a creature of his word meaning that you and your friends were set for the rest of your scholarly careers, but also, you didn’t know if you could handle this man digging his fangs into your neck. Something about it seemed intimate and almost sensual.

You didn’t have much more time to consider any of it as Seungmin leaned forward, his head next to yours, “See, sweetheart, passing with flying colors.”

“Yea, but that is just me, I still need to know if my friends did well,” you replied nervously.

It was as if they heard you because soon your phone was blowing up with notifications about how they had made A’s. Nayeon even admitted to not studying at all for the exam and while all this news was great, you could all but feel Seungmin breathing down your neck.

“Well, snack, would you look at that?” Seungmin said spinning your chair around so that you were facing him. His arms on either side of you, his hands gripping the back of your seat, he had you caged in. You all of the sudden found it very hard to make eye contact with him.

“Looks like I finally get to taste you,” he smirked. Seungmin could hear your heart beating faster, the smell of your blood a little stronger.

“You’re awfully quiet doll,” he teased, “are you scared it’s gonna hurt?”

Your voice was soft when you spoke, “A little.”

His eyes darkened, he’d never seen you like this before. In the almost month that he had been with you, watching you, he had never seen you act so gentle with him. It made his mouth water, almost more than the thought of tasting your sweet blood.

“Don’t worry sweetheart,” he leaned in and your breath hitched, “I won’t bite ya too hard,” he chuckled at your rigid body, “unless you want me to.”

When Seungmin stood back up, he felt a wave of accomplishment wash over him. Had he really made such a head strong human fall for him? Using none of his powers? It was an ego booster if he’d ever had one. While he was thrilled, he couldn’t not taunt you.

“Are you ready? Gonna be a good girl for me? Make it nice and easy?”

“Do you have to say it like that?” you mumble.

“Y/n, am I getting you worked up?”

“Never in your wildest dreams,” you lied. It was an obvious lie. The more he talked about claiming you in this way, the harder it got to contain yourself.

“Alright human, enough games,” Seungmin’s irises darkened, “I’m hungry and if we take any longer, I’m not gonna be so nice.”

Taking a deep breath, you tilted your head to the side and moved your hair, showing your neck. Seungmin wasted no time, closing the space and licking up the side of your neck. You couldn’t help but let out a little whimper.

Seungmin smirked, “I’m about to suck your blood, and yet here you are pressing your thighs together as if this is all turning you on.”

You didn’t speak and Seungmin tsked, feigning disappointment.

“Is that what you like, being used for sustenance and then being discarded? Don’t think that just because your blood is so sweet that I’ll stick around too long after this. If I had half a mind I’d erase it from your memory,” his breath cold, as it fanned across the wet spot on your neck.

“But fuck you just look so cute with your head lulled to the side waiting on me to sink my fangs into you, I want to keep you thinking those unholy thoughts for a long time,” Seungmin grinned widely as he watched you tremble. Giving no warning, he sunk his fangs into your neck. He groaned at the taste while you mewled at the feeling.

By the time he had finished, you felt lightheaded and needier than before. As he retracted his fangs, licking the puncture wounds, you couldn’t help but whimper. Your glazed over eyes go wide as he stands up. You look up at him innocently and he laughs, “I knew it was something of a side effect for you simple little humans to get a bit aroused, but never have I seen it like this, how is it that you look so absolutely jaded. What a little slut.”

Your plush thighs press together at his words and he pulls you up from the seat, his eyes bore into yours as he speaks, “Are you a slut, baby? C’mon tell me? Do I make you a needy little slut?”

Despite knowing that your brain was clouded over, you choose to speak anyways, “You do make me needy,” you keen. Seungmin smirks as you put your hands on his chest, letting them trail down to his crotch.

“Seems someone may be a little bit eager to please,” he taunts, but all you do is nod, “well then go ahead baby.”

Seungmin watches as you sink to your knees in front of him. You make quick work of his belt, tight slacks, and designer boxers. He helps you by stepping out of it all as you tug it off of his body and toss it away. When you are finally able to look at him, you can’t help but swallow thickly. Without thinking about it much you take him into your mouth slowly. Seungmin lets out soft groans as you do your best to take as much of him as you can, but it isn’t enough.

Seungmin grabs your hair and thrusts shallowly into your mouth, which is enough to already begin triggering your gag reflex. As his thrusts get deeper and you work harder to focus on not gagging, your eyes begin to water. Seungmin pulls completely out of your mouth and pulls your head back.

You breathe deeply and he grins at you, “Alright sweetheart, open wide for me.” You comply instantly. As soon as your mouth is open his dick is back inside of it. He slowly eases your head down his length, not bothering to stop as he watches you struggle to control your gag reflex.

Tears begin falling as you sputter around him, “Shh, shh, shh, that’s it baby, take all of me. Gonna suck me off real good.”

With only a little bit of him left to fit inside your throat, your jaw begins to hurt and before you can think better of it, his grip on your hair tightens, “Watch the fucking teeth,” he hisses, his jaw clenched, “I do all the biting here sweetheart.”

You finally get control of your gagging once your nose is pressed against his crotch and the tip of his dick is pressed against the back of your throat.

“After I cum down your cute little throat, I’m going to bury my cock nice and deep inside you? Are you excited for that baby, ready to cum all over my cock?” His words had you whimpering around him and he snickered. Seungmin set an absolutely brutal pace in your mouth, it wasn’t long before you were choking on his length, drool dripping from your mouth and all around him.

Seungmin moaned unabashedly, not holding any sound back, “Shit, what a good girl,” he praised through clenched teeth, “letting me fuck your throat like this.”

Soon, his moans were turning into something more whiny and he was spilling down your throat. You did your best to swallow around him, but when he pulled out of your mouth, he didn’t seem to mind watching some of his cum spill from your lips as you coughed and gasped for air.

“Don’t make a mess, doll face,” Seungmin said as he swiped some of his cum from the side of your mouth with his thumb and pushed the finger into your mouth. You sucked on it thoughtfully as you did your best to take slow, deep breaths.

Seungmin removed his finger from your mouth and opted to help pull you up from the floor. Your legs were sore and felt a little stiff from being on your knees, but you didn’t have long to worry about that as Seungmin quickly pushed you on to the bed. As you got more comfortable, Seungmin removed his suit jacket and dress shirt. You couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the way the moonlight danced across his tan skin.

He gestured for you to do the same and so you did, pulling your shirt off of your body, leaving your soft flesh exposed to him, a low groan left his lips as he watched you. You continued, taking off your leggings, leaving you completely naked in front of him.

Without another though he was on you, hands rough as he gripped your breasts and then moved to the soft flesh of your stomach. Seungmin continued his trail downwards until his hands were gripping at the abundance of soft skin on your thighs. His tongue danced across his two sharp fangs as he gazed at them, “Remind me to mark these up at a later time, mkay sweetheart?”

“Y-yes sir,” you whisper as his eyes settle on your dripping core.

“I didn’t know someone could get so wet from just a few little words and a quick face fuck, but I guess you’re proving to be an easy little whore. I promise not to keep you waiting anymore.” Seungmin said as he easily pressed two fingers into you. The feeling was something of instant satisfaction. The feeling of his long fingers pressing in and out of you had you mewling shamelessly.

“So good,” you panted as he sped up the thrust of his fingers.

“Gonna have to stretch you out real good, huh sweetheart? Gotta make sure you can take all of me.”

You nodded fervently as he added a third finger. Your eyes screwed shut and your hands grasped at the sheets as your high washed over you.

“God you look so pretty when you come undone all over my fingers,” Seungmin praised as he continued thrusting his fingers into you.

Soon you began squirming, trying to pull away from his fingers, but he held you firmly in place, his grip bruising, “C’mon, don’t pull away from me,” he chastised, “gotta get you nice and wet for me, wanna see you cum around my fingers at least one more time.”

Bringing himself into a better position, he pressed his tongue against your clit. Your back arched off the bed as he began sucking on the sensitive bud. All the attention to your erogenous bundle of nerves paired with the incessant movement of his fingers had you cumming again.

“P-please,” you blubbered, his fingers only slowing down, but not fully stopping, “I can’t-”

“Awe, sweetheart,” he cooed, “you know you can. You’re gonna take as much as I feel like giving you and then you’re gonna take my cock and I’m gonna breed you real good.” His words had you pulsing around him. Pressing his thumb to your clit he continued speaking as he rubbed harsh circles, “I’m gonna fill you up so nice, you’ll look so pretty.”

You couldn’t help the way you clenched around his fingers at the thought, your mind lost in the pain and pleasure of it all.

“Even with you whimpering about how you can’t take anymore, you still manage to pulse around my fingers when I mention knockin’ you up. You like that thought, don’t you baby? Like thinking about having to carry my little half breed babies, hmm? C’mon tell me how much you like it.”

“Seungmin,” you cried out as your body jerked at the overstimulation, “j-just fuck me already.”

If your eyes weren’t screwed shut, you’d see the darkness in his stare. He said nothing as he lined himself up and pushed into you, in his entirety. Reveling in the way your eyes shot open and the gasp followed instantly by a silent scream that left your lips. Your plush body underneath him to touch as he pleased and so he did. His gentle caresses a stark contrast to the way his hips snapped against yours. He could tell you were spent, but he had you, he knew that he did. The thought made him feral and he wasted no time burying himself deeper inside you, placing your soft, couchiny thigh over his shoulder. The sounds leaving your mouth were absolutely lascivious and the look on your face was nothing short of completely and utterly indecent.

Seungmin continued to thrust into you. His length filling you to the brim, each thrust brushing against every spot inside you, it all hurtsogood. You couldn’t hold back the sobs as your body shook, wholly wracked with overstimulation. Every time a “Please” left your lips you could no longer discern if it was for him to stop or keep going. Not that it mattered, as Seungmin only continued his assault on your overused cunny.

“Awe fuck, are you crying again sweetheart, do you like how I feel that fucking much,” he grunted as he continued to ruthlessly fuck into you, “C’mon doll, tell me how much you love it, I really wanna hear those sobs.”

“So good,” you slurred, “so good Seungmin.”

“Awe that a girl,” he praised as he re-positioned you again, pushing your knees towards your chest.

“Oh, holy fuck,” he moaned lewdly, “how did you get even tighter?”

His brows furrowed together as he chased his high, the closer to his release he got the dirtier he words became, “Oh, you such a good fucking whore, taking all of this. All just so that you can take my cum huh? God, letting me use you just because you want me to fuck you full of my babies. What a dirty girl.”

“Fill me, please Seungmin,” you cried out as the pressure once again built up in your abdomen.

As you convulsed around him, his thrusts got sloppy. Before you could warn him your orgasm knocked all but knocked the wind out of you as you squirted around his cock.

“Holy shit!” Seungmin exclaimed, his hips stuttering as you tightened around him, “O-oh f-fuck,” he moaned out as pressed into you,completely. He came hard, this groans deep and stuttered just like his speech. In all of his years of life he could easily say sex had never been this good before.

He watched your body shiver beneath him as he filled you to the brim, just as he’d promised.

“Don’t spill too much,” Seungmin says playfully as he slowly pulls out of you. He finds himself staring at your tear soaked face and beautiful body far longer than he should’ve been so he does his best to quickly get off the bed.

What seems like almost instantly the vampire has returned with a warm rag, he spends his time slowly and gently wiping down your body, if you weren’t so exhausted you’d be shocked by the change in his playful and teasing demeanor, but instead you are grateful for his kindness. The man places a pillow underneath your hips, keeping them elevated.

Seungmin quietly excuses himself, telling you that he is going to take a quick shower. He covers your body up gently, his eyes lingering on the two holed puncture wound on your neck. You mumble something soft and incoherent, and he cups your chubby face in his hand shushing you softly.

By the time he is back from the shower, you are already asleep. Despite himself he smiles and against his better judgement he climbs into the bed beside you. As he pulls your soft body against his, you snuggle into him and he smiles happily.

Seungmin, as a vampire, didn’t need much sleep, if any, but after using you like he did, he didn’t mind humoring you. Not to mention, you just looked so gentle when you were asleep.

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haec-est-fides · 3 years

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“What have you done?” : Why Riordan’s Handling of Triumvirate Holdings Sucks

I put my thoughts under a cut to make it easier to avoid spoilers and to save you all from a long post,,,like a really long post.

Basically, I think it was inevitable that Riordan fumble Triumvirate Holdings. He simply designed a villain network too powerful and too extensive to ever be handled properly by the heroes. He did try to address,,,some of it, but in the end I think he just made it worse.

I. Let’s talk about Triumvirate Holdings.

The way that Riordan established the origins of the Triumvirate and the extent of their power made it too big to handle from the beginning. The emperors have been around for centuries. It’s mentioned countless times how much property they own, how much money they have, and how many businesses are actually under their control. Rachel says it well in Hidden Oracle: “They make my dad’s company look like a kid’s lemonade stand.” Nero brings it up again in Tower of Nero: “What you don’t seem to realize, Apollo, is that you can’t destroy bank accounts with a bow and arrows. All my assets, all the power I’ve built up for centuries -- it’s all safe.” Think of what Caligula did to Piper and her dad, how deep that ran and how many people were involved. Think of how the Triumvirate funded both Luke and Octavian. All of this goes to show how deeply rooted Triumvirate Holdings is, especially -- unlike other villains -- in the mortal world.

This never really gets taken into account. For instance, Apollo does wonder if Meg will inherit Nero’s tower, but it seems as if she doesn’t, nor do any of the other imperials who go with her to Palm Springs. They live off of the Sibyl’s tarot card business, which strongly implies that they took nothing from the tower -- or the company -- at all.

Apollo also mentions Camp Half-Blood getting the weapons and Greek fire from Nero’s tower, but that is so poorly thought out that I want to scream. Nero had designed special holding tanks for the Greek fire, tanks that Rachel pointed out could be mistaken for a water-treatment facility. And we’re transferring it to a summer camp? Yikes.

Beyond the question of the material, there’s the question of personnel. Mortals, demigods / legacies, monsters, Germani, etc. were all involved with Triumvirate Holdings. I’ll address the Germani in a moment, but the sheer numbers involved make the fall of the company either impossible or devastating. It is conceivable that the mortals, business people and mercenaries alike, could move on and the Mist would do its work. Still, that’s thousands of people jobless. The unemployment rate just skyrocketed. Further, the monsters once under Triumvirate control are now presumably free to cause havoc as well.

Before moving on entirely, multiply all of that by three. Commodus and Caligula employed mortals and monsters as well, and who knows what happened to their material possessions. (Besides the fifty yachts in San Francisco Bay, ofc. Millions of dollars, minimum, at the bottom of the ocean.)

What I’m most concerned about, however, are the demigods / legacies, especially those raised by or who spent considerable time with the Triumvirate. An experience like that shapes people, and not for the better.

II. Let’s talk about the Imperial Households.

Starting with Nero’s household, I think it’s clear that Riordan brushed over the imperials to have his wholesome ending, which is entirely understandable. Even so, he creates such a conflicting view of them that his “they all moved to Aeithales and Healed” bit is so shallow. Apollo’s views in particular cause this problem.

Initially, the fact that the imperials are enemies puts them in this strange category where they’re minors and people (like Meg) but them being harmed or even killed,,,isn’t a bad thing? Chiron, directing new campers during the Greek attack on the tower, yells, “Try not to kill enemy demigods or mortals! Okay, well, from now on, then!” It’s given the weight of a throw-away line. Apollo later goes so far as to think, “I wondered where the other three missing adoptees had gone -- if they’d been captured or had fallen in battle to Camp Half-Blood. I tried not to feel any satisfaction at the thought, but it was difficult.” (Emphasis mine. Oh, and if anyone is interested, this is almost an exact parallel to what Apollo says in Tyrant’s Tomb about Octavian’s death.) I’m not saying that Apollo hasn’t really changed or that heroes have to value the lives of their enemies, but this isn’t the best foot to start on.

In Nero’s throne room, when Meg gets her imperial siblings under control, Apollo comments on how close they are to siding with Nero: “[Meg] reminded me of one of Hades’s dog trainers working with a pack of new hellhounds. ...any sign of weakness from her, any change in the temperature of the battle, and they might break ranks and slaughter everyone in sight.” Even after Nero’s death, the imperials break down. Raging, sobbing, catatonic -- whatever the case, not exactly the best candidates for a smooth adjustment to ordinary life.

Apollo and Meg briefly chat about how the household will need support to heal, but Apollo still notes, with some real hesitancy, “There were no guarantees. The imperial demigods had dealt with so much for so long, some of them might never be able to come back from the darkness.” A short while later, at Aeithales, Apollo observes that the imperials “seemed determined to garden, as if their sanity depended on it, which perhaps it did.” While Cassius, at the very least, seems to be adjusting well, who’s to say that the others are? They can’t garden forever. I just can’t picture this ending as well as Riordan leaves it.

All of that is bad enough, but we know that Nero’s “household” is larger than just the twelve demigods he adopted, and it’s likely that Commodus and Caligula had similar households. Remember Marcus, Meg’s escort in Dark Prophecy? Whether he was one of Nero’s twelve (and got replaced) or not, his existence is evidence that there are far more demigods / legacies involved than the series’ focus would make us think at first glance. We do see members of Commodus’ household in Dark Prophecy, in the stands of the stadium and in the battle against the Waystation -- “a few dozen” even. Interestingly, Caligula is the only triumvir who doesn’t seem to have a household at all, as they’re never mentioned aboard his yachts. That may be exactly as it seems, with him preferring not to have a household out of paranoia. However, I still think it’d be more reasonable to assume that he had some kind of household than to assume otherwise.

Nero’s household appears to have been the most imperial and the most like a family, but that doesn’t mean we can brush off the other households as a non-issue. Considering the lack on information on the subject, it’s entirely possible that the other two emperors did adopt kids. In any case, we can’t judge the loyalty of these unknown demigods / legacies, and they certainly seem to have fallen through the cracks. It’s doubtful that Nero’s children will be able to “heal” even with Meg’s help and a place totally removed from their old life. If the others don’t have any kind of support system? If they’re left to their own devices? That’s a recipe for disaster. They’re likely to cling to the system they know in whatever ways they can.

As a bit of a thought experiment to drive this home, consider: what would Octavian do if he were part of Triumvirate Holdings when the news arrived that the emperors were all dead? I think it’s clear than the answer is not “go live a normal life and pretend the Triumvirate never existed.” It would be naive to think that not a single person in the Triumvirate’s sphere is willing to step up and take over.

III. Let’s talk about the Germani.

Riordan actually explained this well, but then proceeded to fuck up.

I had questioned why the Germani -- ordinary legacies / humans -- could be turned to “monster” dust once resurrected and put in an emperor’s service. What kind of afterlife did that mean they had? Thankfully, Riordan touched on this! As @triumvirateds pointed out on my older post, the Germani -- like most ordinary monsters -- did come back in a day or two after being killed. This apparent immortality, we find, is tied to the Triumvirate’s power, symbolized by each emperor’s fasces. When the Germani were revived, however the Triumvirate accomplished that, they became removed from any usual afterlife until released from the Triumvirate’s service and made “regular people” again.

(This does raise some technical questions. Were each group of Germani tied to a specific emperor? Meaning that the troops on the West coast were “released” when Commodus’ and Caligula’s fasces were destroyed? I’m fairly certain that they still turned to dust during the final confrontation with New Rome. That would imply that their loyalty was tied to the Triumvirate as a whole, and their bond transferred to Nero’s fasces with the power of the other two emperors.)

However, I can’t believe Riordan decided that the Germani would simply be regular people after Nero’s death. Throughout the series, Apollo often remarks that the Germani are a threat because of their loyalty. Remember when the Germani were described as “sensitive about insults to the Imperial person” and nearly killed Apollo for looking at Nero wrong? Well, now Apollo says, “I supposed none of them loved the idea of staying loyal to the cause of a dead emperor.” I’m reminded of when, after Commodus and Caligula were defeated in New Rome, the army ran away and was never mentioned again. In both cases, the Germani are brushed off as disloyal / uncaring and no thought is given as to how they’re supposed to integrate into modern society.

“But wait,” you might argue, “They’re mercenaries. Many of them, like Luguselwa, probably don’t care about the emperors.” Sure. There’s definitely a long history of mercenary troops not being the most loyal, especially when there isn’t a clear leader. However, I have to bring up the fact that when Nero died (in actual history) the German guard was disbanded by one of the following emperors due to their perceived loyalty to Nero, even in death. (Also, because the guard was disbanded for their loyalty, which was a major insult, the entire tribe revolted.) That’s a bit of an oversimplification of ancient history, but with the constant reminders we have in the series about the Germani’s loyalty, this ending just seems like a cheap move by Riordan. He might as well have had them all turn to dust one last time with the dissolution of the Triumvirate’s power. Also, if you even entertain the possibility that someone could step forward to take control of Triumvirate Holdings, I feel that the Germani would serve whoever that was.

On the purely practical side of things, please try to imagine thousands of (possibly illiterate) barbarians adjusting to modern life with zero help. I’m not saying it’s impossible, considering the amount of time they’ve been around (and how they seem to legally exist, as evidenced by Luguselwa being Meg’s legal guardian), but it’s still a stretch of the imagination with how Riordan characterized them throughout the series.

TL;DR

To wrap it up, you just can’t make villainy this pervasive, throw out some guesses as to how things will work out fine, and pretend the world can just move on. Triumvirate Holdings isn’t a snake that dies when you cut its head off; it’s a hydra. The life that almost everyone involved in Triumvirate Holdings lived makes them who they are. Not everyone will end up like Meg, especially considering the sheer number of people impacted. I know that all of this isn’t really Riordan’s concern, that he couldn’t have covered even half of this if he wanted to, but gods does it bother me.

#trials of apollo #toa #tower of nero #tower of nero spoilers #triumvirate holdings #long post #filodox!#I'm sorry for going off about this but I had to #I'm not trying to be cynical #I just really love Triumvirate Holdings #I'm the kid who won't let the company die #I'm suing CHB for property damage #I apologize for the quality of my writing btw #I gave up trying to edit bc I would never be happy with it

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defenderofurth · 5 years

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rules: repost, don’t reblog. just pick a muse of yours and fill it out.

muse: dib membrane!

BASICS

▸ is your muse tall/short/average? pretty teeny, since he’s only twelve years old. he IS a couple of inches taller than zim, though, and he tends to rub that in his face ( since his species judges one’s value in society by their height ).

▸ are they okay with their height? it doesn’t get to him most of the time, since he knows he’s going to wind up growing more with age. besides, his father is super tall, so he’s bound to inherit that, right? part of him can’t wait for that, so he can TOWER over zim and tease him mercilessly about it. ▸ what’s their hair like? WEIRD. his hairstyle is very similar to his dad’s, a very short head of hair topped with a very long spike. i don’t think it’s prehensile like his father’s is ( i don’t recall whether or not dib’s hair ever had bones in it, jfc ), but...it sure is a thing.

▸ do they spend a lot of time on their hair/with their grooming? dib’s hair Stays like that even when he sleeps; that’s cartoon logic, but hey, who’s to say that membrane hasn’t invented a long-lasting hair gel or something ( provided that dib’s hair ISN’T just a weird ass fucking limb )? that being the case, No, he doesn’t really spend a lot of time taking care of it. ▸ does your muse care about their appearance? not really. he’s only into fashion to the extent that his outfit ( specifically, his jacket ) is inspired by those of “noirish spies,” but that’s pretty much it.

▸ does your muse care about what others think about them? GOD, YES. he craves acceptance and validation, ESPECIALLY from his father. when it comes to people like his classmates and teachers / other adults, he sort of just wants to rub the truth ( about aliens and the supernatural ) in their faces so he’ll stop being called crazy.

PREFERENCES

▸ indoors or outdoors? a bit of both; he isolates in his room frequently, either to compile research or spy on zim with cameras, but some of his supernatural research also requires him to spend time in the outdoors. that being said, he does enjoy it; camping out in the woods and gazing up at the stars is always fun, and so is visiting the cemetery. ▸ rain or sunshine? he started enjoying rain a lot more once he figured out that it was one of zim’s weaknesses -- now he looks forward to every thunderstorm. before that, though, he didn’t really have a preference for either. ▸ forest or beach? the forest, big time! the forest has the potential for BIGFEETS & he can camp out & stargaze!!! the beach is okay and all, and has cryptids of its own that he could investigate someday, but it’s full of people and sand -- neither of which dib is very fond of.

▸ precious metals or gems? metals?? psh, who needs gems. ▸ flowers or perfumes? flowers, i GUESS, not that either would really be appreciated unless it was haunted, cursed, or supernatural in some way fsddfs. ▸ personality or appearance? personality. appearance is the least of his concerns; if he just found someone who believed in him, in the paranormal, who could see things for what they were and actually LISTEN to him ?? he’d click with them instantly. ▸ being alone or being in a crowd? being alone. crowds, and people in general, are extremely unappealing. ▸ order or anarchy? leans more toward anarchy, even if he doesn’t actively resolve to act on those beliefs; he sees a LOT of flaws in society and the way things operate, and has plenty of distaste for authority ( ESPECIALLY after being arrested once and being put in an insane asylum ). ▸ painful truths or white lies? painful truths, most of the time; white lies are more of a last resort for when he’s intimidated ( i.e. telling gaz about his reasons for cursing her with pigmouth while she was threatening his haunted gummy bears ).

▸ science or magic? both -- the two can co-exist! he uses science to fuel his research of the paranormal, and someday, when the world has awakened to the existence of the supernatural, he wants to bring the two fields together. ▸ peace or conflict? peace, ultimately; however, his actions in the present lean more toward the conflict end of the spectrum. he tends to mess with zim even before he’s done anything wrong, all while justifying it in his own head as “the ends justifying the means.” ▸ night or day? night. i think i’ve already established how much dib loves stargazing -- he always loved outer space and was fascinated with it, and aliens were always the cryptids he was most enthusiastic about meeting ( until zim, that is ). ▸ dusk or dawn? dusk. ▸ warmth or cold? cold; his favorite season is actually autumn, both holiday and weather-wise. sweating is annoying and the humidity makes it hard to enjoy spending time in the woods, cemeteries, or infiltrating zim’s base. also, since his trenchcoat is just Part Of Him now, he really doesn’t like removing it for the summer ( and that leads to even more sweating ).

▸ many acquaintances or a few close friends? I DON’T NEED FRIENDS, THEY DISAPPOINT ME

▸ reading or playing a game? reading; he spends most of his time doing that anyway, and he really sucks at video games.

QUESTIONNAIRE

▸ what are some of your muse’s bad habits? his paranoia in general is a big one -- he refuses to trust most people after what he’s been through, and that leaks into a lot of his behavior. sometimes he even doubts the reality around him, since some of zim’s tricks have involved trapping him in simulations that mimic “ideal” versions of the world around him, and that’s really messed with him.

▸ has your muse lost anyone close to them? how has it affected them? unless you count the dog he and gaz had when they were younger, or mr. dwicky ( who didn’t even die, he just sort of abandoned dib in the middle of an evidence-gathering mission ), he hasn’t really lost anybody. the dog didn’t affect him too much, but in dwicky’s case, it definitely intensified his trust issues.

▸ what are some fond memories your muse has? little things here and there -- moments where gaz actually supported him or picked him back up like in enter the florpus; a few times when he, gaz, and his father all played video games together; and that one time when he and gir spent a few days together while zim was stuck in foodcourtia, since he got to pester zim’s leaders, and also sort of just chill with zim’s sidekick for a while. ▸ is it easy for your muse to kill? definitely not. he makes petty threats here and there, and absolutely has twisted daydreams about zim on an autopsy table, but there’s no way he could follow through on any of those things himself. not unless zim went TOO far with one of his plans.

▸ what’s it like when your muse breaks down? it’s very brief, but there’s a taste of it in enter the florpus. he bottles it up for as long as he can, but it eventually erupts in the form of him falling to the floor and just sobbing -- he hates crying in front of other people, so if it ever gets to this point in front of anyone else, you KNOW it’s bad. ▸ is your muse capable of trusting someone with their life? not really. ▸ what’s your muse like when they’re in love? A RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM,, does that count as an answer?? it’d be really rare for him to fall for anyone like that in the first place, but if he did, he’d probably be really...insecure about it. i can see his future self being the type who would have all sorts of issues with commitment, if he ever started serious relationships in the first place, and refusing to acknowledge Real feelings for people.

tagged by: @invaderofdoom TYSM ILY,,, ( we gay keep scrollin - ) tagging: hhH @mechbrane ( any of ur muses ), @prxfessor-membrane, @vortship, @wastallest, @diibsister, @irken-tenn, if y’all want to!!! feel free to ignore this if not / if you’ve already done this and i didn’t see, i just want to celebrate you guys being nice to me despite me being. slow and non-responsive and everything. thank u

#🛸 || ᶜʰʳᵒᶰᶤᶜˡᶤᶰᵍ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵃʳᵃᶰᵒʳᵐᵃˡˑ (musings.) || 🛸#🛸 || ᶤ'ᵛᵉ ᵗᵒˡᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ʷᵒʳˡᵈ˒ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʷᵒᶰ'ᵗ ᵇᵉˡᶤᵉᵛᵉ ᶤᵗˑ (headcanons.) || 🛸

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mikazukikannagisjourney · 5 years

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Spiritual Log August 26 2019

DISCLAIMER: Please seek help from professionals when dealing with ANY kind of disorder, physical or mental. I just happened to choose not to and I am not blaming any entity or anyone for the results of that choice as well as my current situation. You can take my own personal experiences here as SPIRITUAL ADVICE and I am more than happy to assist, but if symptoms persist, please consult medical professionals. My info here is not liable in any way if any kind of physical or mental harm happens to the end user. Thank you for understanding.

*Before I start this entry, let us all collectively focus our high-vibrational intentions to the healing and recovery of the Amazon rainforest. Feel free to channel energy towards healing not just the Amazonas but also the mass consciousness expressing the disturbance in this world. Thank you.*

I was gonna log so much stuff but for some reason, I got into a depression *a very dangerous one* since the start of this month, and instead of spreading my low vibes I just chose not to blog about it and just transmute. It was a very disturbing time because no matter how much I cleared my energy fields, my subconscious, cords and attachments, anything I thought of clearing, the depression just persisted. I wasn't on meds and I don't have a shrink but so far, I have been managing it OK. Even more so once I have come to terms with the fact that my depression stems from the Spiritual Awakening process, and that I just have to face my demons and learn how to reintegrate my shadow aspects back into my self, along with a lot of other healing methods. But this time around, it felt so scary. The need to kill myself just grew stronger everyday. It was so dark that I was doubting if it was even mine. 100% gloom and doom there. But then last week Wednesday I just found out that the Amazon rainforest has been suffering from wildfires for 3 weeks already. AND I WASN'T EVEN INFORMED. Not here on tumblr nor twitter or even Youtube. Not on the telly. Nada. And that was very disappointing, I have never felt so much lack of care or disappointment since the day when the presidential candidate I voted (RIP MDS) lost and was almost at the last part of the race. And it was very disturbing that nobody gave a crap in the planet's lungs. No wonder so many people, apart from myself who got so depressed this month. They probably don't know why, and probably won't know why until they started opening their eyes to the truth. Especially geomantic empaths *cough, like me, cough* 😆 I mean, a large portion of the earth was in pain, in suffering, and go barely any attention, so she just directly contacted empaths everywhere. And that's where the stuff about empaths start to get tricky. Because despite numerous posts, the info are mostly too-general to be digested, and cannot give answers to those who have more needs than others.

I have been on this conscious awakening process for 3 years now, and I haven't gotten the hang of being an empath. Mainly because most of the stuff I read or watch have no specifics on how or why empaths are able to feel the energies and emotions of others, as well as being unable to distinguish if these emotions and thoughts are their own. For once and for all, I will give my 2 cents on this topic because I personally had some disturbing yet enlightening experiences on what empaths experience and why some of them are just so full of angst. Also because this might help at least someone out there and help them be at ease.

WHY EMPATHS INTERNALIZE AND EXPERIENCE THE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS OF OTHERS

To find out what needs to be healed in an unwell person - e.g. You suddenly felt heartbroken and sad, and flashes of your past breakups kept rushing into your head. You thought you were over them all already, and you were, because they were years ago. But then suddenly everything comes back to you. The pain, the trauma, the endless nights of rollercoastering between paranoia on why you were dumped and hope that your dumper will evetually come around. Turns out one of your friends/mates was unceremoniously dumped and has been suffering in silence for the past week.

To fine-tune the healing process for each person to be healed - e.g. using different strategies of healing two friends who were both fatigued, but one is emotionally-drained due to being friends with a toxic colleague and the other one has been overly anxious over the resuls of their DNA test because it will determine their fate (relax it's just a scenario, that can happen.lol)

HOW EMPATHS INTERNALIZE AND EXPERIENCE THE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS OF OTHERS

Basically, all of your inner demons will come back to haunt you, with gusto and fervor. All vibrations, low or high, will be at their extreme levels. Things you thought were already cleared will rush back with even greater intensity and pain. And you can't help wondering why or if these are even your own. (Hint: 90% probably not yours)

E.g. In the 1st 2 weeks of August, all of my memories of being sexually-harrassed while I was drunk and broken-hearted kept rushing back to me. Randomly. No warning whatsoever. My hate was filled to the brim. I easily got mad, and upset, and I could've cried at a drop of a hat. Everything made no sense to me, I just finished my full-moon clearing and everything felt even more horrible. I felt trapped, hopeless, in extreme despair, and very much suicidal. Fast forward to 2 nights ago when I hit up an old friend and had some catch-up, turns out this person had been dealing with workplace issues as well as harrassment by an older person for the same time period that I had been experiencing shit. So yeah, turns out it wasn't really mine, but to be able to relate to this friend, I had to relive my own experiences so I can enter the friend's energy field. Because I had a similar experience with my friend's. Similar experiences create resonance with empaths so they can detect emotions, feelings, or thoughts by others, especially their loved ones. I just decided to heal us both before I ended the call, to clear our energy fields. It turned out to be a very enlightening experience for us both. *Fun fact: Empaths can bunch together, get individually attached to narcs, or both. It sucks*

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO CLEAR ENERGY FIELDS AFTER EVERY INTERACTION

See above. Because if not cleared, the inner demons will just keep popping up. Like having light on a mirror. No matter what happens, as long as there is light, things will always get reflected on mirrors. Also, a clearer energy field means less resonance with others having a bad day. Besides, it's easier to detect happy energies that way.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS ANNOYING SITUATION - STEP BY STEP

If a negative emotion is felt:

Step 1 - Ask this emotion if it is yours. If yes, go to step 5. If no, proceed to next step.

Step 2 - Send this emotion back to where it came from, or send it directly to Source. Tell it to leave you because it has no business with you, as it is not yours. Bring in your full intent of sending this emotion away. With love.

Step 3 - Ground and check to see if your emotions calmed down or disappeared. If yes, go to next step. If no, repeat 1st step.

Step 4 - Relax, drink some water, and pat yourself in the back. Then make a high-vibrational shield around you to keep other people's emotions out. *Some make mirrors, some make golden egg-shaped ones, some use invisibility cloaks, some use white light. For me, I encase myself in a lovely nata de coco sphere. Low vibes stay out, light goes in, plus it's delicious. Yes my energy shield is food, lol it works for me so why not.* The End.

Step 5 - Meditate on why this emotion is appearing to you now. Ask what needs to be healed so it can be released. You can also do emotion code in this step. Crying or emotional release is definitely recommended.

Step 6 - Once the reason/s was/were identified, go to Step 2.

Repeat entire process as needed.

If a positive emotion is felt:

JUST ENJOY THE WHOLE RIDE, DUH. 😆 At least take advantage of being an empath by enjoying and dwelling in other people's happiness too. It also amplifies the energies and helps raise the earth's vibrations.

Well, I hope this journal entry helps you, especially during these chaotic times. Thank you very much, and may you find the healing you seek. Love and hugs from Source above. ♡

Mikazuki

三日月

#thought log on spirituality #about being an empath #empath #empath experiences #it's not what you think #how empaths experience the emotions of others #my own experiences #also it sorta sucks #empaths #being an empath #the empath life #why empaths need to clear their energies #why we all have to do energy clearings everyday #empaths and energy clearings #how to manage being an empath

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chopperpirate · 5 years

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MCU Retrospective

I've decided to, in honor of Avengers Endgame, write about my thoughts on the MCU as a whole. Well, obviously I love it, but am cautiously optimistic about its future. It's easily one of my favorite film franchises, and though I don't think it ever really reaches the highs of The Dark Knight, it's better than any other Superhero related thing in the realm of Live-Action film, with the only things like Logan and The Dark Knight surpassing it in my heart. I still think DC animated films can sometimes be better, but it shouldn't be a competition.

I've been seeing people participating in this "One Marvelous Scene" thing lately, so I'll do that as well after ranking every MCU film I've seen from best to worst. I won't bore you with too much writing, though because I know I'll get flack, I'll try to justify my top and bottom 5 with some comments. With that said, here's Chopperpirate Mun's MCU film ranking!

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 - Anyone who knows me knows how much I love things that value the connections between ragtag "nakama" who aren't related by blood, but were brought together by circumstance and are now the closest thing each member has to family. Not to mention that this film has emotional payoffs for Nebula and Gamora's heartfelt rivalry, Rocket's tsundere hangups, and Peter's heritage that I'd say are all easily the most emotional resonant things out of the MCU. The comedy in the film is probably only rivaled by Thor: Ragnarok. My two personal favorite jokes being the Mary Poppins bit, and Drax shouting "MANTIS! LOOK OUT!" mere seconds after Mantis was already hit and knocked unconscious.

The highlight for comedy is easily Drax, but his speech to Mantis about why her perceived ugliness is a good thing because if someone loves you despite your ugliness, they love you for who you are, really might be one of my favorite moments in the film. Same with Yondu's speech to Rocket about how they're the same. Believe it or not, I cried more during Yondu's death than I did for Tony Stark's in Endgame. I can't really tell you why. Something about his last line just reminded me of Whitebeard from One Piece.

Yondu's death scene aside, my favorite scene in the film is easily when he, Groot, and Rocket are slaughtering the traitor Ravengers to the tune of "Come a Little Bit Closer."

On that note, the villains of this film are some of the best. They aren't bland, generic evil points of contention for the film to have a climax! Taser Face is hilarious, The Sovereign are hilariously arrogant and I find the fact that they only engage in combat through arcade simulations to be perfect for their personalities, and Ego might be the best Marvel Villain besides Loki up until that point in the MCU. The reveal that he killed Meredith was shocking, and might very well be the best "Wham Line" in the MCU to this date. His death scene showed a lot of depth to Peter, and like a good villain, he had a lot of parallels and contrasts to the protagonist instead of just having a clone of their abilities for the sake of a final boss fight.

The Winter Soldier - Captain America at his finest. Bucky was awesome, Black Widow was finally given a lot of vulnerabilities and depth as she bonded with Steve, Falcon was alright, HYDRA as a collective is an amazing source of paranoia fuel, and this movie might have the best action out of any MCU film, or at least my personal favorite brand of action. Instead of CG magic and shit, we get to see visceral knife fights, punches, kicks, and close-quarters martial arts. It's surprisingly brutal for a PG-13 film. I recall one point where Bucky kicks a SHIELD agent into a helicopter propeller.

As for my favorite scene in this film, I'd have to say it's the Elevator sequence. The build up was perfectly suspenseful, and the payoff of the line "Before we get started, does anyone want to get off?" felt badass and perfect for the character of Captain America, who, instead of being snide or arrogant, shows that he's ready to fight, while willing to let his enemies back out if they so choose.

This film might also be Nick Fury's finest. I was very disappointed that Captain Marvel didn't enhance the character more than this film did, but oh well. The way Fury communicated words with Steve while showing him what he really meant through writing was clever while also perfectly exemplifying his character. Fury is very secretive, never showing vulnerability or letting himself get attached to others, yet we can tell from his actions and concerns that he is a good person, even if he isn't a nice person. The way he says one meaningless thing while displaying another more pressing thought really shows that the Russos understood the character.

Infinity War - The Empire Strikes Back of the MCU. Thanos is an amazing villain protagonist, and arguably the only character with a full arc in this film, Gamora is probably at her most interesting here, and a lot of the interactions between characters who never got to interact before this film are some of my favorites. I'm especially fond of the chemistry between Doctor Strange and Tony Stark.

Despite how dark and serious this film is, it understands how to keep up dramatic tension while never losing its sense of humor. The same film with Vision dying willingly and pointlessly at the hands of his lover is the film with lines like "Why is Gamora" and "I am Steve Rogers." It's probably the most perfect film in the MCU in terms of story structure and emotional stakes. It's just lower than the ot hers because it lacks the personal love from me that the above films had.

Avengers: Endgame - Now that I've had time to stew on it, this film isn't as good as Infinity War, but it's still great. To clarify, Infinity War was a better structured film and a more entertaining one for the most part. I'd say the first two acts of Endgame were somewhat weak by comparison, but the final 1/3 was so perfect that it almost tempted me to rank it above Infinity War, even if Captain Marvel's presence ruins a lot of things.

I want to remain positive for the most part here, so I won't talk about too many of my gripes, but because I know I'll get asked why I think Captain Marvel ruins the stakes, let me explain. In the MCU, Captain Marvel can canonically move at Lightspeed, and probably faster too. So... when she got the Infinity Gauntlet in the final act's little "Hot Potato" portion, why didn't she just fly to another galaxy and hide the gauntlet away with some trusted civilization, come back to help defeat Thanos' army, then bring the gauntlet back to return the stones to their timelines? Remember, because of this plot hole of MCU Carol Danvers being so overpowered and fast, yet not doing anything to help, Tony Stark is dead. � We know the meta reason is because RDJ and most of the Phase 1 actors are done, but you guys can now totally blame Captain Marvel for it In-Universe.

Positives though! This film made me genuinely love Nebula. She fits so well with The Avengers (arguably better than with the GotG), and the small details of her pity and attachment to Thanos during his early death adds a lot of pathos to her character. Thor's "Big Lebowski" phase was hilarious, Tony and Thor getting closure with their dad/mom respectively was sweet, and the final battle was one of the greatest spectacles to behold. I don't know if it's controversial or not, but I personally loved that Captain America got his happy ending (even if it creates a huge plot hole with this movie's time travel rules). It just lacked the oomph of Infinity War.

Thor Ragnarok - This film saved Thor, made him entertaining and interesting, and gave us yet another great villain in the form of The Grandmaster! It has a similar issue, villain-wise, in my opinion, to Black Panther, in that the secondary villain is far more entertaining than the main villain. Great comedy, Loki's redemption is emotionally fulfilling, and Korg is my MCU waifu. My only issue is that Hela is kind of boring, and the stuff on Sakaar is far more engaging than the "important" plot.

Guardians of the Galaxy The Avengers Spider-Man: Homecoming Iron Man Doctor Strange Captain America: Civil War Iron Man 3 Ant-Man Ant-Man and the Wasp Captain America: The First Avenger Iron Man 2 Black Panther - Very overrated. T'Challa is far less interesting here than he was in Civil War, Wakanda is far better in Infinity War... Really, it's not a "bad" movie. It's just not that special. It's more comparable to the Phase 1 films between Iron Man and Avengers than it is to, say, Wolverine Origins. Glad I saw it. Wouldn't see it again. Didn't care of Killmonger either. Sue me.

Avengers: Age of Ultron - This gets... better on rewatch, but it still sucks. It's a garbage standalone movie, but if you look at it as an in-between film that's setting up things for the Thanos arc, it's actually not so bad. Could've used more scenes like the "Trying to lift Mjolnir," or "chilling at Hawkeye's house" scenes. Just The Avengers hanging out and interacting in low-stakes environments. Instead we get empty, loud, almost Michael Bay-esque action scenes.

Thor: The Dark World - On rewatch, it was surprisingly more entertaining than Thor 1 in a lot of ways. Mostly involving Loki. The human characters, especially Jane and her friend, are horribly boring, and I think we should be thankful that Natalie Portman left the MCU out of frustration for her character being an empty love-interest! She made the right call. Thor isn't really interesting yet, but at least the death of his mother gives him and Loki some legitimate character arcs.

Thor - Eh... it's just kinda bland. Not much to comment on. Loki isn't really fun yet, the human characters are boring, and Thor is probably the least interesting Phase One Avenger aside from Edward Norton's Bruce Banner. It has its moments, but on my most recent MCU rewatch, we were most bored with this one.

Captain Marvel - The most insulting installment of the MCU. Captain Marvel insults people for having those evil Y chromosomes. It's the story of a strong, brave, powerful, beautiful, flawless, overpowered woman who just wants to... umm... be an Air Force Pilot, I guess. She's apparently never met a supportive male in her whole 30+ years of living, because all of her memories are of cartoonish archetypes of men with 1940s values telling her that she can't become a pilot. After all "You know why it's called the cockpit, right?" Ugh...

Not only is the feminist message forced, but it's one of those negative feminist messages that I hate so much. Instead of preaching equality between the two genders, women being just as good as men, it preaches that women are amazing, brave, beautiful, powerful creatures and men are pathetic morons who underestimate women at all times. There's even a scene where her father is yelling at her for crashing a Go-Kart in pure anger and disdain instead of, I dunno... calling a doctor and worrying about his injured child? This movie is... ugh...

Carol herself is either boring and unremarkable or irritatingly condescending depending on the scene's writer. If I recall there were like... 4 or 5 different writers and it really shows. But anyway, she's annoying. She constantly "Womansplains" things to Nick Fury, and her tone is just so smug that it makes me want to slap her. Listen to the way she says "I'm here to stop the shapeshifters that are infiltrating your planet. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?" It's so demeaning to have Nick Fury, the coolest character whose presence is so demanding and badass that even god-tiers like Thor and a war veteran like Cap shut up and listen when he speaks, be talked to by an unproven character just so Kevin Feige can get some feminist brownie points.

This carries into Endgame where she basically calls Rocket "furrball" and retorts his complaint by harshly explaining why she's not around. In response to this, Rocket, who is characterized in the first film by getting so angry at being called names for his oddities that he almost attempted to murder Drax for it in the bar, simply nods, lowers his head, and says "that's a good point" in a defeated tone. WOW! YOU GO GIRL! CAPTAIN MARVE IS SO TOUGH THAT SHE CAN TALK DOWN TO NICK FURY AND ROCKET AND THEY KNOW BETTER THAN TO COMPLAIN! WOOOOW!

Speaking of feminism, the movie skims over the whole "Air Force discrimination" subplot within under a minute, so we can't really connect to that. As such, one would expect the fact that she's "the most powerful hero in the MCU" to be the big feminist selling point, but she didn't work for that power at all. She got it through sheer coincidence by standing too close to the Tesseract powered engine before it exploded. As such, I suppose the moral is, "Girls! If you wanna be a strong, brave hero, go stand next to an exploding engine!" If so, I caution all viewers to not do that.

Nick Fury is mostly okay in this movie, but he feels underutilized. The retcon of his eye being scratched out by Goose is embarrassing and infuriating. It makes the line from Winter Soldier "Last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye," meaningless and if you were to count this movie as non-canon because of it, I'd be right there with you. He just keeps getting demeaned and treated as a joke, and strangely, the eye retcon isn't even the worst part. I groaned even harder when Carol's friend's daughter says she might build a space ship some day, Fury doesn't know. And Carol replies by saying "You're right, he doesn't know." Pushing the feminist message by knocking Fury down a peg instead of by preaching equality. :\ It wasn't like he said anything misogynistic throughout this film, so I have no idea why he's often the film's punching bag.

Oh, and just a side-note. You wanna know something hilarious? That friend's daughter shows Carol some photos of them together from six years ago. Literally the same actress. Literally the same age in the photo. This child hasn't aged a day in 6 years, so I welcome you to reply with some crack theories so that we can call the writers geniuses instead of incompetence? Is the kid a watcher? A time lord?

Incredible Hulk - Boring, boring, boring. Edward Norton was always a terrible Bruce Banner, the plot is as generic a hulk story as you can imagine, and the character of "Bruce Banner" is almost nonexistent aside from turning into The Hulk when stressed. This Bruce Banner is a handsome, tall, athletic martial artist. If I had to praise it anywhere, the fight between Hulk and Abomination toward the end is actually pretty decent, but aside from that, this film is an embarrassment. It's very telling that the MCU and all its executives swept this one under the rug. It's difficult to find in your Best Buy's "Marvel Studios" section.

There. Proceed to insult my opinions. :D

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imaginetale · 6 years

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Pls tell me about your genderswap skellies like what you have for names, what theyre like, ect bc while i love my bone boys, man if my gay ass dont LIKE SOME LADIES-

Buckle in everyone, its gonna be a long post

Also, quick disclaimer - while I won’t be writing anything but gender neutral and het reader characters, you all are free to do so with my ladies!

I’m still working on everyone’s personalities, but I can give you guys the basics, as well as my designs for them! Keep in mind, theses designs are very sketchy and some are on lined paper, not to mention that this is what they would wear underground, I haven’t yet drawn their topside fashions, but as I feel it’s important to the characters personalities, I will say what kind of things they would wear topside. Let’s get started with the one who started this.

Tinta! Aka lady Ink!

She’s bubbly and hyper and pretty much socially inept. Her back story is similar to that of canon! Ink, save for two things. One, she ends up regaining her SOUL (like the Ink I write) and, two, instead of getting “tattoos” from falling through the code, her bones splintered, leaving scars once she finally got them healed. She still suffers from phantom pain but usually hides when she gets a pain episode so others don’t worry. Whereas Ink has memory problems, she is rather intelligent but comes off as ditzy due to her poor social skills. She almost always wears fully covering clothing because she’s self conscious of her scars, but she loves Decora Kei fashion and will wear it if she can find a way to cover herself completely.

Side note, Tinta was designed for my own genderswaped self ship, and while I don’t mind her being shipped apart from that ship, please don’t ship her with Error, genderswaped or otherwise, as i am really squicked by that particular ship.

During the time that I made Tinta, @nighttimepixels started making her Lilytale ladies and I was inspired to make more than just Tinta, so I ended up starting with Underswap. Aside from Tinta, these ladies have the most development

This is Muffin. She is training to become a royal guard and wants to look adorable doing it. She actually wears full armor under her magical girl inspired outfit. She looks like she’s just goofing around, but when push comes to shove, she’s dead serious. She’s who you face during genocide and she’s just as tough as canon Sans, maybe moreso since she’s been actively training. She also uses her cute looks to manipulate others into doing what she wants and into underestimating her so she can use it into getting the upper hand if need be. She’s still a kind caring monster, she’s just not naive. She believes in others to a point, but if you pass that point, she knows there’s nothing more kindness can do. When she gets topside, she still loves dressing like a magical girl, but she leans more into general Lolita fashion and anything super cutesty, although she does like to secretly try out biker esque fashion.

Then there’s Honey Bun, or Bunny, as Muffin calls her. She is a nervous bundle of anxiety and self esteem issues. She pushes herself to the point of breaking to try to both not worry her sister and impress her. She attaches herself to the fallen human because she relates to them, seeing as she’s mute most of the time if her sister isn’t around. Even in the genocide route, she believes that the human can be a better person if they just try a little harder. She’s a worrywart obsessed with those huge twisty lollipops, which she sucks on when she’s nervous. Her fashion sense consists of comfy, easy to wear clothes like sweaters and sweats, but when she goes out, she just wears a lot of maxi dresses

Also, shes the only one with a canon sexuality. She’s bi!

Solena is like Sans but less nihilism and and depression. Instead she has intense paranoia and trust issues. I’ll admit from this characters till horrortale, I need to work on my ladies personalities. Topside, Solena, or Sunny, wears punny t-shirts and skorts, with toches of casual hipster fashion, dispite not really knowing what a hippster is. She just likes the look.

This gal is Papagina, or Poppy. Yeah, that’s all I got for her, she needs some work, sorry. I see her wearing super summery clothing 95% percent of the year, and mixing it with rock chic for the other 5%.

Scratch is a bad girl with a heart of gold but will vehemently deny it if its pointed out. She’s protective of her sister but will take every chance she can to tease and mock her. But only she’s aloud to do that, anyone else talks shit gets hit. She’s also extremely good with kids and teaches the kids in Snowdin how to fend off bigger meaner monsters. She actually has a secret desire to be a mother of a lot of kids, but will again deny it wholeheartedly. She and her sister become their Frisks legal guardian, as well as their universe’s Chara and Asriel (All of my versions of all universes have Chara and Asriel come back, because kindly screw canon they get happy endings now) because the King and Queen need some serious therapy before they can take care of their kids again. She’s super active as a PTA parent because of this. Topside, she wears biker chic and Hot Topic, as well as some punk mixed in

This is Slash and she holds the award for the MOST FRICKEN REDESIGNS WTF. I could not get her look down for the life of me. ANYWAY, she is Captain of the royal guard and only those with a death wish try her. She’s fiercely protective of the monsters she deems worthy of her presence, and this includes her sister, even if she busts Scratch’s chops every time she sees her. But, again, only she is allowed to do so, lest you become the next human shiskabob. On the surface she wears preppy clothes and tailored suits and, occasionally, rocker chic.

*Horrortale starts here, mentions of death and cannibalism*

This is Pumpkin,and She’s not exactly a fan of killing humans for food and unlike every one around her, never really got used to it. The guilt still eats at her. She’s got a box in her room full of tiny bits of the bones of her victims, that she promises herself that if they ever do make it to the surface, she’ll give her victims a proper burial. Her necklace contains the hand bones of her first victim, which she wears so she can remind herself of what she’s done and what everything important to her has cost. The ghost of her first victim still haunts her, but he’s actually become more of a friend than a poltergeist. Topside, she wears casual, nondescript clothing, still wearing her necklace underneath until she can forgive herself for what she had to do.

This is Candy. Candy never actually killed any humans while underground, although she did eat them. She tries to be kind to all the humans she.meets, because she knows what fate entails for them. They should have a friend who stays with them before they die, right? She usually ended up as the one who distracted the humans as Pumpkin killed them as quickly and as painlessly as she could. She tends to make her own clothes even on the surface.

And even though I won’t be writing her, have a genderswaped swapfell sans, or as I like to call her, Cupcake

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yvvaine · 6 years

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A Meta on Madness

Here’s the thing with Targaryen madness. Most weren’t just born raving mad. They developed it. Some as early as childhood, others well into adulthood; sometimes even instigated by some event (like the Defiance of Duskendale which affected Aerys II Targaryen’s madness). Grand Maester Phycelle even commented how Aerys had been “a good man. such a charmer....” until he became obsessed with his dreams of “fire & blood”.

It seems that that is the commonality. Fire & Blood. And also obsession. Most of the “madness” starts out as personality traits, like unchecked outbursts and impusliveness. Some form of violence (during said outbursts) develops shortly thereafter. Mixed in is usually a god-like self-image and some personal obsession / quest. Also paranoia. Delusions and hallucinations, for the most part, dont develop all that fast. Theyre “charming good men” with hot heads, and that slowly escelates, little by little until it begins to snowball. Again, some earlier than others.

But obsession seems to be reaccuring throught all the circumstances.

They fixate on something (Fire & Blood, religion, beliefs, etc) and take it too far, and the more they do, the more obsessed they become, the more the ‘madness’ seems to set in.

King Baelor the Blessed was overzealously obsessed with religion and purity, to the point that he starved himself into an early grave because he believed that food is of this world, and the material world is sinful.

Prince Aerion Brightflame, son of King Maekar and nephew of the Prince Rhaegel. Aerion killed himself drinking wildfire, believing it would turn him into a dragon.

Visery’s ‘madness’ (mostly outbursts, paranoia, and cruelty), according to Daenerys at least, was linked/instigated to a somewhat traumatic event; the selling of their mother’s crown. My guess is that he was old enough to be traumatized by the events that sent them into exhile, put all his hopes and dreams into that crown, idolized it, and losing it was kind of the final push.

Madness ≠ Certified Crazy Person

In fact I dont even really like the term madness, because it denotes that the Targaryen in question is 24/7 insane. And dont get me wrong, some def are. But in GRRM’s world their ‘madness’ is MUCH more subtle than that. Its pathology is almost like a disease. And people can live with the most terrible diseases for quite along while and work around it/not have it effect them. As a Certified Sick Person myself, I know that particular lesson more than quite a bit of people (thanks autoimmune system!) Id say. Look at diabetes! People can live with diabetes and not have to cut their foot off or die (like the olden days) with the right amount of lifestyle and personal choices. But untreated, without proper checks and balances, symptoms get worse, other manisfate on top of one another. To say they have the “Targaryen madness” is not a black and white issue, because their “insanity” is not as simple as : “that persons obv crazy and that persons not!!” You cant equivicate mid-story/life Daenerys with late-in-life Aerys. Its a cultivation of symptoms over years. Theyre not at equal points in their life to one another; obv shes not blinded by “KILL THEM ALL” attitudes yet.

Early-in Life Aerys (perhaps a better parallel to Daenerys’s timeline) was:

“...while not being the most intelligent, nor the most diligent of princes [I wonder who that sounds like? Cough Mereen] he was described as having an undeniable charm. He was generous, handsome and resolute, although somewhat quick to anger. [SOUND LIKE ANYONE. A good heart? Beautiful? Determined and passionate? SOMEWHAT quick to anger?] He was also vain, proud, and changeable, traits that made him easy prey for lickspittles and flatterers.”

The last part is more up for debate but Dany does think quite highly of herself and is VERY proud. Shes also reminded frequently of her amazing-ness, as well as her beauty, which would bloat anyones ego. And while she realizes the difference between blatant kiss asses (“People used to tell that kind of thing to my brother”) she also prefers those that agree with her or her line of thinking and suck up to her. Shes kinder to those that fall into step and bestows greater favor on them in that moment (even when the person in the room disagreeing is a “friend”).

“As he grew older, Aerys became increasingly jealous, suspicious and cruel, prone to furious outbursts.”

I think a lot of readers and show viewers see this increasingly “bratty” quality to her character. Even when her anger (toward the slave masters for instance) is morally and technically VERY justified (Personally I hate this POV, as I’m someone whos decided to dedicate my lifeswork to human rights law, so decidely I am not for cruel racist individuals. Moreover, I dont think many people, if there is any at all, who believe in dark!(or just a generally darker)dany are racist and pro-slavery - which is something i see stans misguidedly clapback with often in the face of criticism) her “justice” becomes all she see’s to disastrous consequences, including crucifying those that shouldnt have been.

“My father spoke out against crucifying those children. He decried it as a criminal act but was overruled. Is it justice to answer one crime with another?” - Hizdahr zo Loraq, S04E06 “The Laws of Gods and Men” on Daenerys crucifying his father because of the status he was born into.

She also seems to be developing more and more paranoia. “Betray me and I’ll burn you alive.” (obv betrayal should be punished WHEN IT HAPPENS, but like, shes already imagining scenrarios and felt the need to say something, ie paranoid). The entire beach tantrum and her turning against her ally and HAND Tyrion because she was upset at their(shared) battle failures. And while its great that she doesnt want to be the Queen of Ashes, in her right mind, in moments of anger and fustration she constantly has to be talked down from burning cities. So increasingly more worrisome.

Shes also increasingly fixated on ‘the iron throne’. As her obsession grows....

Sorta like: Aerys in his youth.

So while duh, shes not batshit insane like her father was right before the end of his life, people forget, her father wasnt “bad” or “mad” till his later years either. Comparing the two (her father right before he was killed and Dany now) is like comparing a seed to a flower. Same material and DNA. Same circumstances / needs the same to grow (unchecked symptoms like their anger and obsessions). But ultimately different stages in their lives, and as such different consequences and attributes.

GA (and Stans)‘s Short-sidedness

The “Mad Dany” theory mostly comes from people woh dont neccisarily see dany as stark raving mad like Aerys Burn Them All Targaryen (i know, shocking) but rather see this similarity (past face value cough cough), and see the parrallels between young Aerys the Charming Good But Slghty Tantrum-y Tararyen with Dany now, and made educated forecasts in what that means for future-Dany based on her current arch. The same Dany who is increasingly obsessed with conquering an entire ass continent that shes held up as a symbol and put all her hopes and dreams of ‘home’ into (kinda like the way Viserys did with their mothers crown) (also a continent that she knows nothing and hasnt bothered to learn anything about). She has no plans on creating a democracy or dispersing power to try to mitigate her faults because shes completely fucking blind to them. She plans on sitting on that uncomfortable ass stupid metal throne and being uncompromising because shes not a Politician shes a QWEEN #fuckcompromise #fuckdiplomacy #fuckpeace #bendtheknee #ammiright :))))) Meanwhile dancing on really thin ice that could any minute crack under her, and the more it cracks the faster it makes new ones until it snowballs quickly out of hand and suddenly it snaps and kills you. Only shes queen in this scenario with two resusable nukes at her disposal so in this case its not just her but the entire country that drowns.

Politics is a long game. We - in the real world - choose a leader who is not just best for us in the now, but who will create a better future for our children, and their children, and so on.

Dany is not a good, stable bet. I originally meant to do a short sassy one liner about this but then I got on a soapbox and started getting all philisophical and now this could literally be my senior thesis its that long. (My apologies!) Im also know where near finished with this so this could maybe be Part One?

#anti-daenerys #anti daenerys #anti targaryen #anti targaryen restoration #aerys 2.0 #mad queen no. 2 #got meta #mine

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moldypieceoflasagna · 6 years

Text

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe.

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity @drawinintherain )

#love exposing myself to people on the internet #hot

1 note · View note

zeoia · 6 years

Text

I don’t know if she was handling it poorly or we were handling it poorly, but needless to say, it didn’t go well.

She was paranoid, I was sleep deprived and then later very distraught because of my own personal health issues.

Long chatlog under readmore. Again, I don’t know how to interact with someone with borderline personality disorder. I’m not going to pretend to know how it works. I could have been saying all the wrong things. It doesn’t work the same as my depression/anxiety. So I very well could have been the awful person in this scenario. I don’t know. I just know she needed help.

After everything, I ended up with this in my FB

HER-Yesterday at 11:02 PM

I don't know hwat I've done

I don't know

I need to know

I'm sorry

I'm a terrible person

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:03 PM

Did you always talk about negative things

That's

HER-Yesterday at 11:03 PM

She said she didn't mind

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:03 PM

Not true

HER-Yesterday at 11:03 PM

that she could handle me

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:03 PM

Even if people don't mind they can still be tired out by it

HER-Yesterday at 11:03 PM

I don't know what I did

She was going to visit

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:04 PM

I don't see you as a bad person

HER-Yesterday at 11:04 PM

I've been saving coins

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:04 PM

Calm down

HER-Yesterday at 11:04 PM

I WANT TO KNOW

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:04 PM

You are jumping to conclusions

HER-Yesterday at 11:04 PM

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I DID

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:04 PM

I will talk to her just calm down

HER-Yesterday at 11:04 PM

What if she removed you too

I didn't meant to upset her

I didn't know I had

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:07 PM

She's not online right now so I can't do much until she shows up. If she does for me. Like you said she might have unfriended me too

HER-Yesterday at 11:07 PM

But why#

Why

She was going to visit

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:08 PM

I don't know

Last I talked to her was in May

HER-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

I don't understand

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

I don't talk to her often enough to know, alright?

HER-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

I don't understand

People keep telling me they won't hate me

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

Worrying is not going to help

HER-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

but they do!

THEY IE

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

Stop it

HER-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

Stop

You are jumping to conclusions again

HER-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

No I'm not!

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

Yes you are

HER-Yesterday at 11:09 PM

She just stoped my call

I know she did

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:10 PM

HER-Yesterday at 11:10 PM

I tried to phone

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:10 PM

Did you try to call her on here

HER-Yesterday at 11:10 PM

I called her phone

2 rings

hang up

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:10 PM

Did you think about the fact that maybe it's kinda late to be taking phonecalls

HER-Yesterday at 11:11 PM

9pm

Is that too late?

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:11 PM

For me yeah

After 8 I don't want my phone ringing

Look, she could be busy

HER-Yesterday at 11:12 PM

She hates me

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:12 PM

Gimme her phone number and I'll call her in the morning

Stop worrying

HER-Yesterday at 11:12 PM

I don't know if she'd want her number given out

I don't know

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:12 PM

Stop saying negative stuff like that

HER-Yesterday at 11:12 PM

It's true

I know it is

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:12 PM

Look

HER-Yesterday at 11:12 PM

I've seen it so many times

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:13 PM

If you keep having that mindset

HER-Yesterday at 11:13 PM

I form a connection with someone

They hate me

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:13 PM

If you keep saying those things

You will make them come true

You will push people away

Because of your paranoia it will come off as you not trusting your friends

And nobody wants to be friends with someone if they aren't trusted

Trust in me and [blank] alright?

If she hated you I don't think she would have given you her phone number

HER-Yesterday at 11:15 PM

She gave it before the hate

The hate is recent

I truested [blank]

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:15 PM

Look it's almost midnight here and I'm tired

HER-Yesterday at 11:15 PM

Please don't hate me too

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:16 PM

Give me a log of your last conversation and I'll analyze it and see if there's any reason to doubt [blank]

I want you to stop acting like it's already over

Like I said, if you keep doing stuff like that

Keep saying stuff like that

You will make it come true yourself because you end up deeming yourself unworthy of friends

But you are loved

HER-Yesterday at 11:17 PM

no.. no no.. I don't like doing that

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:17 PM

So stop saying bad things

Stop making it worse

HER-Yesterday at 11:18 PM

It is over tho... I've seen this before

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:18 PM

Try to keep convincing yourself otherwise

I can't keep talking to a brick wall like this. You're unmoving

You really do not want to feel better apparently

HER-Yesterday at 11:19 PM

With Naomi.. with others.. I've tusted they might come back..

I've seen it too often

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:19 PM

Sometimes people grow apart

It's not uncommon

It sucks but it's not the end of the world

HER-Yesterday at 11:20 PM

But we was fine a week ago... I just got worried about the idea of her bringing Bella...

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:20 PM

I had a friend for nine years

And had to break off the friendship

HER-Yesterday at 11:20 PM

Because she's an illigal breed and I also don't trust her destructivness

Zeoia-Yesterday at 11:21 PM

My brother and his best friend stopped being friends last year. Childhood friends.

They grew apart

It happens

It hurts but it happens

Again I don't know what happened w you and [blank] so I can't say either way

Just give me time

Please be patient

It is almost midnight and I am very tired

June 12, 2018

HER-Today at 12:16 AM

... Another friend was back to add friend too... but I was on the phone to her when I noticed so it was confirmed she didn't hate me... and it must've done it its self..

Zeoia-Today at 12:16 AM

So it's a discord error

HER-Today at 12:16 AM

Maybe...

I don't know

Zeoia-Today at 12:17 AM

I told you that you were jumping to conclusions

HER-Today at 12:17 AM

I don't know

Zeoia-Today at 12:17 AM

Technology does weird shit all the time

Eating messages, removing friends, altering settings

It's not uncommon

HER-Today at 12:20 AM

"Your message could not be delivered because you don't share a server with the recipient or you disabled direct messages on your shared server, recipient is only accepting direct messages from friends, or you were blocked by the recipient."

Goes back to panic

Zeoia-Today at 12:23 AM

If it accidentally removed friends for you then it would also have removed you from her list

Anyway I'm sleepy

Gnight

HER-Today at 12:56 AM

I don't know if me and the other person were ever friends or just server buddies now

HER-Today at 5:05 AM

You still show as a mutual friend on her thing... it is clear now she hates me and this is targeted at me.. The worst thing is dreaming about it.. waking up and it's still real.

Zeoia-Today at 5:05 AM

Stop it stop it stop it.

Your negative thinking, your constant pessimist views on everything, they're exhausting, even for the people who still love and care about you.

I got a response from her and she told me herself that she doesn't hate you

But your behavior is extremely upsetting

It's exhausting

HER-Today at 5:08 AM

I don't know what I said

Zeoia-Today at 5:08 AM

I don't know either

HER-Today at 5:08 AM

I didn't know she was getting upset

Zeoia-Today at 5:08 AM

Give me a moment I am on mobile

HER-Today at 5:09 AM

She told me if there was problems she'd tell me first

Zeoia-Today at 5:10 AM

I don't hate her. I am managing okay. I unfriended her for my sanity. I've told her in the past what my problem was and she hasn't done anything to stop. I cut her from my life so I wouldn't keep getting upset. I can't demand her to change. I can't expect her to change. I've told her my problem and hoped she would improve. That never happened. What I can do is remove myself from the situation.

If you want you can reassure her that I'm managing okay, I don't hate her, and I already told her my issue. I am removing myself from the situation so I don't keep getting upset. She should accept that and stop dragging others into her messes.

Directly from [blank] herself.

HER-Today at 5:10 AM

I don't understand

Zeoia-Today at 5:11 AM

ARE YOU READING WHAT I JUST POSTED

look I just woke up to go to the bathroom but I decided to check on you before going back to sleep

Excuse me for being blunt but I'm not sure beating around the bush is going to help.

You need a lot of mental help from a counselor. Your behavior makes people very upset. You are always talking about bad things and are always upset about something.

HER-Today at 5:14 AM

I can't think what promote

Problem

Zeoia-Today at 5:14 AM

I don't hate you. I don't think anyone hates you

LISTEN TO ME.

I am telling you right now

Stop thinking. Stop typing. LISTEN.

HER-Today at 5:15 AM

She told me she was able to handle it better

Zeoia-Today at 5:15 AM

She thought she was

Look

Stop

Stop typing

Do not make any more thoughts with your brain on the subject

[blank] is a strong person. She has been through a lot of shit. But even when people are strong, there are some things that weigh them down and they will wear a smile anyway, even if they are hurting

I'm in a similar situation with someone where I have to limit contact for my fucking sanity

I don't hate them. There wasn't just one instance of a problem

Just overall we don't mix well

Until you get help, you are probably going to end up pushing people away again

I don't want to upset you. I don't want you to think that I hate you

But I have to be honest

You keep saying stuff like "it's going to happen, I know it" and inviting yourself to just fucking fulfill that prophecy

HER-Today at 5:21 AM

She proved it

Zeoia-Today at 5:21 AM

Get. Some. Help.

See a counselor

HER-Today at 5:21 AM

THEY DON'T WANT TO

Zeoia-Today at 5:21 AM

Your friends are not counselors

HER-Today at 5:22 AM

They see me all fine.

Zeoia-Today at 5:22 AM

What kinda fucking bullshit counselors are you seeing that don't see that there's a problem

HER-Today at 5:23 AM

They don't see me on the floor screaming because I've got emotional intensity disorder

Zeoia-Today at 5:23 AM

I DEMAND you to go looking into more counselors

I DEMAND you to show them our chat log from today

Like, save this chat log. Fucking save all of it

I want you to get better because at this rate you are going to believe yourself into a permanent state of"the whole world is against me"

HER-Today at 5:26 AM

I want to talk to [blank]... We was going to do adventures... she told me we'd do adventures... does she think I was being emotionally manipulative.. that was her big issue before..

I'm already there

Zeoia-Today at 5:29 AM

Yeah, you are emotionally manipulative. I'm sorry for being honest but you are literally right here right now, in my direct messages, demanding to know what you did to make [blank] upset. You are extremely clingy from what I can tell, and it is probably because you have abandonment issues.

This behavior probably upsets [blank] a lot more than you think because she just got out of a very toxic relationship with someone. Y'know. The one where she had to move because she was abused

HER-Today at 5:30 AM

I know

But I can't even think when I was doing it

Zeoia-Today at 5:31 AM

I'm aware

That is your problem.

You don't realize when you are upsetting people

You don't know how manipulative you can get. You are tugging at me currently, because [blank] is no longer there for you

I didn't just go through a terrible divorce with a manipulative lying prick so I can handle your manipulative behavior a bit better

But you have to fucking get some help

Do not just give up

Look at it like a video game. Do you get further in a video game just by being all like "oh, the characters told me I can't go this way even though it's the only way to the next area"

You need to get better and the only way you can get better is to demand that someone fucking help you

Who is currently in your life right now? IRL I mean.

HER-Today at 5:35 AM

No. I do give up. I can't do this. I can't do this screaming.. I didn't try to manipulate her into anything. I always told her things were ultimately her choice. Yes I got upset with the dog idea but it was still ultimately up to her. I just might've liked her to stay elsewhere...

Zeoia-Today at 5:36 AM

You are too upset all the time

HER-Today at 5:36 AM

It comes with the fucking disorder.

Zeoia-Today at 5:36 AM

I know that

And you need to get more help for it

Don't tell me they won't help

Because I know there's someone out there who can and will help

HER-Today at 5:37 AM

The government has cut their resources so much

Zeoia-Today at 5:38 AM

Okay? I live in shit hole America where we have to pay out the ass just to get a fucking checkup

Use your fucking resources.

HER-Today at 5:38 AM

I'm fucking trying

Zeoia-Today at 5:39 AM

You are on the internet right now

Google shit. Look for local support groups.

Look for meetups..group counseling. Something

I can't do this for you

I'm also mentally ill

My mother is mentally ill

My mom went through abuse and is also manipulative and doesn't always see what she does wrong

HER-Today at 5:41 AM

calls 999

Zeoia-Today at 5:41 AM

But she still has her shit together to the point where she can try to get some fucking help

What city do you live in

I'll Google shit for you but don't depend on me to do everything for you

HER-Today at 5:42 AM

Crawley west sussex

Zeoia-Today at 5:42 AM

Because if I end up having to babysit you, you will in fact end up pushing me away

HER-Today at 5:43 AM

I'm getting a bloody ambulance

Zeoia-Today at 5:45 AM

What is your disorder

I'm going to make our conversation publicly available and ask around for help because I really don't want you suffering like this

HER-Today at 5:46 AM

Boarderline

Zeoia-Today at 5:46 AM

Okay

Borderline personality disorder?

HER-Today at 5:47 AM

Yes

Zeoia-Today at 6:00 AM

I will try to find someone who is also living with borderline personality disorder

But is taking steps to get better

Because it's clear to me that you are not

And I don't know how to handle someone who has the disorder

I made a post but I will try again later. We aren't going to see instant results

This shit takes time

But you yourself need to try to get hel

Help

You have to want to get better

Again, I don't know how to deal with the disorder so I'm probably not the best person to be telling you what to do

But there are plenty of other people out there with the disorder you can talk to and get help from

But I'm not one of those people

I must sleep. I have been getting headaches due to lack of sleep. Good night.

HER-Today at 6:10 AM

I'm in an ambulance being taken to see an emergency psych

It was the only way I could think to get help now

The thing is they take so long to see you I'll be slightly calmer when they talk to me. Then decide I'm ok..

I'm scared of things being public.. they'll think I'm stupid

HER-Today at 9:25 AM

Been given the mental health line number (again) and a thing to calm me down and sent home. No follow up.. but they think my GP should review my medication.(edited)

https://sussexrecoverycollege.org.uk/ Also this..

Zeoia-Today at 12:02 PM

I can't today. Please don't keep messaging me about your problems today. I need help. I'm suffering and hurting and I won't be able to see an affordable doctor for three fucking months. I'm sorry but I just don't have the mental stability to deal with both of our problems. Not right now.

Zeoia-Today at 2:03 PM

I’m not going to be responsible for anyone else’s emotions, actions and behaviors. It’s impossible. I have pointed out the problem previously to her. I will not keep myself in a situation that constantly hurts both of us. I can’t change her but I can change the situation.

I don’t like the statement about being her favorite person. It’s a type of manipulative wording used in the guilt game. I don’t play that game. HER is the only one who can fix this and it is her choice to make and act on. I suggest you don’t try to talk me into ‘fixing things’ because if it’s worded like the above statement I am going to get annoyed.

[blank] told me this. And I told you the same thing. You need to help you.

Anyway do not respond to this. I really don't want to talk about your problems right now because I'm in a super shitty health situation and the last thing I need is something stressing me out to the point of hospitalization.

https://www.westsussexconnecttosupport.org/s4s/WhereILive/Council?pageId=988 Hi - this is a link to information re Mental Health Services in West Sussex, hope it helps. Your friend can call the Samaritans on 116 123. Hope it all works out.

Zeoia-Today at 6:27 PM

"One of doggos turned out to be a professionally trained service dog. Eddie wasn’t a perfect match but he helped me so much. I had to put him down on the 31st of May. I’m trying to train my other doggo (a pittie) to do some of the similar tasks. I mentioned bringing Bella with me when I go to the UK (pitties are banned there). She freaked out and tried to manipulate me into not keeping my doggo with me. I had put down my service doggo the other day and I was hurting so badly. I told her to drop it, that’s my problem. She complained to others who called her out for being selfish. I do my DnD with friends on Friday nights. She tried to call me and tried to get me to drop DnD to calm her down from a meltdown about being called out for being selfish. After that she still didn’t drop it and called Bella an illegal dog. I was so hurt and disappointed. I got livid. I avoided her for over a week because I knew I would lash out and be mean to hurt her. She kept trying to contact me with increasingly manipulative statements until I finally blocked her before I hurt someone. I had talked to her before about my issues with manipulation. I tried to wait and calm down. I am done with that kinda treatment. Now you know what made me so mad."

From [blank] herself.

She tried to explain. And I tried to tell you. But it's like it goes through one ear and out the other. You need serious help from mental health specialists. You can't keep on attaching to people the way you do because it hurts them.

HER-Today at 6:28 PM

I had paranoia about the dog.

Zeoia-Today at 6:29 PM

Drop the thing about the dog.

Stop focusing on the dog.

HER-Today at 6:29 PM

I was struggling myself

Zeoia-Today at 6:29 PM

That is not the only issue.

[blank] has been through too much shit to be able to handle someone with borderline personality disorder.

She literally just got out of a manipulative and abusive relationship and you are here, saying manipulative things. She tried to be patient with you. But she didn't have to. She tried to because she cared. And she still cares.

But your dependence on her was not healthy for either of you. And if you try to depend on me, I guarantee you I will drop you like a hot pan.

I am not here to be manipulated. I am not here to be used. I am not here to be a counselor. I'm trying to offer advice, but I can't help you seek assistance. Especially when I'm trying to figure out how to deal with becoming physically disabled. So stop it. Just. Stop complaining. Stop trying manipulate other people to deal with your problems. Stop depending on others to do shit for you. Keep going to therapy. Going to groups. Looking up resources. It's your life. You have control over what you do. not me.

HER-Today at 6:33 PM

I WASN'T TRYING TO MANIPULATE TTHINGS(edited)

I was nervous about having a dog!

Zeoia-Today at 6:33 PM

Lisa.

It's not about the dog.

HER-Today at 6:33 PM

It clearly fuckiing started it

Zeoia-Today at 6:33 PM

Let me tell you something.

You say sad and upsetting things a lot.

It is very very tiring.

HER-Today at 6:35 PM

I AM NOT MANIPULATING HER

I AM NI

Zeoia-Today at 6:35 PM

no you aren't.

because you aren't in touch with her anymore.

HER-Today at 6:35 PM

She is making shit up!!

Zeoia-Today at 6:35 PM

nor are you in touch with me. get some help.

HER-Today at 6:35 PM

I DID TODAY

Zeoia-Today at 6:35 PM

NOT JUST TODAY. ALL THE TIME. GET. SOME. HELP.

Goodbye.

#shadowlady speaks #long post #like honestly if i fucked up go ahead and call me out on my shit #because i dont know how to deal with borderline #i can barely deal with my own depression #i really wanted to help her i truly did #but for my own sanity i cant get too involved

2 notes · View notes

ontheavalanche · 6 years

Text

As someone with BPD, I struggle a lot with headcanons of Kent Parson with BPD.

Bc on the one hand, I really enjoy people taking the time to research BPD and crafting versions of Kent Parson that are complicated yet respectful and highlighting a disorder that imho isn’t spoken about nearly enough + a lot of thought and effort goes into taking mentally ill characters and fleshing them out with words. Plus I’ve seen some well composed stuff from people who do have BPD and get what it’s like and make wonderfully relatable versions of BPD!Parse and I don’t want to downplay those at all.

But at the same time, I noticed a lot of what happens is that people paint Kent Parson as this guy that’s been really manipulative and can say and do things that are emotionally abusive or just make him all impulsive but then be all like oh he’s like that because he has BPD so it’s okay.

And that’s bad for multiple reasons—the first one being ofc that you can’t excuse manipulative, emotionally abusive, or any other kind of shitty behaviors just bc the person acting that way is mentally ill. The second is that people with Borderline Personality Disorder are generally not like that???? That’s a really harmful stereotype of what people with BPD are like and it’s been perpetuated a lot in various types of media and even within medical and mental health communities.

Anyways, I’m p sure I personally won’t be able to read any fics with BPD!Parson unless they’re personally recommend to me, but I will throw a few things out there that I haven’t seen in BPD!Parse fics but that are common amongst people with BPD. (Please keep in mind that these are based on my own experiences and experiences of other people I know who have BPD—as with any mental health issue, it can manifest very differently depending on the person and not everyone with have experienced all of these):

Manic episodes!!!!! (I feel it’s important to note that often times you won’t realize you’re Manic until you’re peeking. And tbh a lot of times you don’t realize it at all, especially if you don’t have experience recognizing those feelings. Also I’ve noticed that with people with BPD that are more on the consistently manic side will not notice their mania because while manic episodes are intense, if you’re used to them it feels totally normal to feel that way all the time. You might not notice it’s a thing until it gets pointed out by an outsider or unless you get a really really bad one or end up hospitalized)

After a manic episode, you might Crash—a sort of Mania Hangover, if you will. Sometimes it can be a full blow depressive episode, sometimes it’s just a need for sleep or maybe releasing a few hard earned tears. (Or if you’re one of those people that’s kind of Perpetually Manic or going through a manic phase, maybe you won’t even Crash, you’ll just slide into another episode like whatislife amiright??)

If not full blown mania, then mood swings!!!! So many mood swings!!!!! They’re intense and sometimes they last a few hours and sometimes they last a few days. People with BPD have intense emotions, highs and lows and you can on occasion get several in the span of an hour or two.

A chronic feeling of emptiness (I’m thinking of Parse feeling empty n wow that hurts so bad doesn’t it?)

Reckless, impulsive, or dangerous behaviors, often thought of as a result of trying to fill that emptiness or during feelings of mania or anger or mood swings. (This can manifest as shopping sprees, sex, substance abuse, binge eating, etc).

Viewing things in black and white—often times things and feelings are perceived as either totally Good or totally Bad, with little to nothing in between. It’s easy to distort your point of view to make it so that everything fits in those categories. This is a defense mechanism and is often referred to as “Splitting” or all-or-nothing thinking.

The Good/Bad POV//defense mechanism also and especially applies toward people and while logically you might know people are multifaceted and want to recognize that people can be both good and bad, sometimes it can be really hard not to look at people and subconsciously be like “okay are you a hero or a villain, a protagonist or an antagonist, do I love you or hate you” (idealization vs devaluation)

In the BPD community, many people have something called an FP (a Favorite Person)—this is a person you’ve formed an emotional dependency on that can quite literally make or break your day with the slightest provocation. Frankly, this is kind of difficult to talk about so I recommend skimming this article. Basically, you devolve intense feelings for a person (be it romantic or platonic) and when they give you attention or when you view their actions as positive, it’s like you’re happier than you’ve ever been but if you view something they did or said as a negative towards you (even if it wasn’t their intention), suddently your mood plummets so badly that you might feel physically pained or enter a major depressive episode or feel suicidal. (Not everyone has or has had an FP, but if you have one and they reject you and the relationship between the two of you is over, it can feel kind of like a soulmate au gone bad in which you gotta break this Profound Bond and it feels like you’re shattering. Not impossible to get over but you’ll be kind of broken for a while, or maybe just a little cracked forever.) ((Was Jack Zimmermann Kent’s FP???? Who knows, just don’t think about it))

While obviously relationships with people can often be intense and sometimes unstable, it doesn’t mean everyone is regarded with the same level of intensity and it doesn’t mean people with BPD don’t also have normal and healthy relationships and friendships. It truthfully depends on the person. Sometimes all relationships are affected, and sometimes it’s just one.

Disassociation—this can range from depersonalization (feeling disconnected from your body), derealization (feeling disconnected from reality), amnesia (lost time), and identity confusion (losing self).

Speaking of identity—people with BPD struggle with their self-image, and yes sometimes they will distort how they view themselves to fit their mood. I often see this brought up in fics in regards to Kent Parson as either having extreme narcissism or with an extremely low self worth. While those two things aren’t generally out of the realm of possibility, most of the time when it comes to people with BPD and their identity it’s more like they’re lost???? Idk how to describe it but amongst people with BPD, it’s common to feel like you don’t know who the real you is, or like there is no real you and you’re just made up of other people. It’s because sometimes we latch onto the habits and obsessions of others, of our friends and loved ones, and they become our habits and our obsessions, and sometimes realizing this can push you into a bit of an identity crisis????? (Does anyone have a way to put this into English that makes sense bc I’m doing my best here but I Suck soooo) EDIT: the word for it is “Identity Disturbance” and it’s A Big Thing

Seemingly unprovoked bursts of anger and irritability are not uncommon

A lot of people with BPD have abandonment issues. Be it real or imagined abandonment, many of us try to avoid feeling that kind (or any kind) of rejection, even if it means we’re the ones doing the rejecting first. I see this well represented in fics but it’s very dragged out. (Truthfully, imho people with BPD can kinda suck at rejecting people, like we’ll wanna do it so that you don’t do it to us but we can’t quite execute it all that well and when we do we try not to dwell on it.)

I have noticed in BPD!Parse fics, most of the time he has a healthy sense of distrust towards people and their intentions and that’s pretty accurate although sometimes it’s the exact opposite—you might trust too much or too quickly if you consider them Good.

Major depressive episodes are not at all uncommon. (I apologize bc I don’t think I’m going to be able to put in as much detail about this rn bc tbh I’m running on the Manic side lately and when I’m more manic I tend to forget what it’s like to feel depressed or just how those feelings come about until I get hit with a wave of them and then I just wallow.)

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are not uncommon either, even if you aren’t going through a depressive episode or feeling sad. (An unfortunate percentage of people with BPD die from suicide.)

Some people experience intrusive thoughts or some form of psychosis (if I’m not mistaken the term “borderline” actually comes from an antiquated thought that people with BPD are “borderline psychotic” and so some places no longer use the term “borderline personality disorder” and rather call it an emotional intensity disorder or an “emotionally unstable personality disorder”—bc the latter is totally much better)

Looooots of anxiety, I don’t think in the same way you see in an anxiety disorder??? (I have both so it’s hard for me to describe and separate the two but from what I’ve heard, for people that don’t have an anxiety disorder but do have BPD, it can come in bouts, kind of like manic and depressive episodes but just anxiety and none of the high or low feelings????)

Trouble sleeping is common with people with BPD

Paranoia

A majority of the time, people with BPD also have other disorders such a depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, or other personality disorders that coexist with your BPD.

And the last thing: if you’re reading this list and thinking “huh this sounds more like what I’ve read about bipolar disorder rather than borderline personality disorder” then the reason for it is bc the way bipolar disorder is presented in media is often similar to the reality of what it’s like to have BPD (and similarly there is so much more to bipolar disorder that is not presented in media accurately). The two can be very similar from an outsider’s point of view but to put it in oversimplified terms—people with BPD have more persistent day-to-day symptoms that impact them 24/7 whereas someone with bipolar disorder can go through periods of symptom-free wellness for days, weeks, or even years before falling into say a major manic episode. Our mood swings and episodes are also shorter and tend to run on patterns or are a direct reaction to life’s typical stressors—we can have multiple mood swings and episodes within a single day, whereas folks with bipolar disorder have seemingly no warning before an episode that can last months. Also while any form of mental illness (particularly ones that have to do with mania or delusions or hallucinations) can impact your relationship with people, typically people with bipolar disorder don’t have the same problems with interpersonal relationships like people with BPD do. (I hope I don’t sound like I’m “down selling” bipolar disorder or anything, truthfully I’m just not knowledgeable enough to feel comfortable speaking on it but I do know that these are some of the differences between the two and that BPD and bipolar disorder are often misdiagnosed as each other.)

Anyways y’all, BPD is a really serious disorder. Most of the time we’re people that are considered high functioning because it’s a disorder that affects emotions and relationships and sometimes that only seemingly affects our personal and social lives and not our professional or academic lives.

We’re typecast as dramatic and manipulative and attention seekers. I’d personally argue that we aren’t (for the most part) but our behavior can get really poor and we can feel desperate and enslaved by our emotions. We can’t really help it but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold us accountable if we act horribly. The point of this is just that if you want to write about this disorder or cast a character with it, try to understand beyond what you’ve seen or heard portrayed by people who don’t have to live with it.

BPD is usually treated with cognitive behavioral therapy but it’s not at all uncommon to have medication as treatment of some of your symptoms or to be hospitalized for it. Personally I used to be on antipsychotics to help stabilize my moods and it was good but not a cure-all, of course. There is no cure for BPD.

This post is also known as: stop writing Kent Parson as an angsty piece of shit 2k18. I might accept BPD!Parse fics if he’s super excited and manic and forms intense bonds with people and doesn’t want to let them go but also BPD sucks so don’t romanticize it too much but also hello I love Kent Parson

#wow this was supposed to be like a paragraph or two max #im just literally crazy yall im kind of manic rn and this just happened #i might delete this later idk its embarassing n kinda personal #kent parson #bpd #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd kent parson #mental health #fandom #long post #sorry yall

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thetrashthatsmilesback · 7 years

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Friendly Reminder That Jared is 3 - Dimensional

But that doesn't mean his insecurities excuse his acting like an ass for over half the play. There is a difference between his insecurities explaining his behavior and his insecurities excusing his behavior. Some things we know are definite about Jared are: 1) he's extremely insecure 2) he takes those insecurities out on Evan 3) he does have camp friends but they don't hang out with them (I'll explain why I think this below) 4) he gets drunk a lot 5) his parents don't pay attention to him That is all we have definite from the script/bootleg/show. I wish we could somehow get our hands on the song he was supposed to have that was taken out, but so far I've yet to find it. (If someone does, please feel free to link me) Now, I do actually believe that Jared has other friends than Evan. I do also believe that they don't hang out with them. As much as it sucks, most of the time when people who struggle socially (cough me cough, chough these are based on my experiences cough) they will make "friends" who are really more aquaintences. You become attached to this person who talks to you and you convince yourself that they like you. They not always do. I believe this is what Jared's "other friends" actually are - people he talks to every now and then/while at camp but who have other friends who they genuinely like. He's their insurance, the person they call as the last possible resort. His parents I feel do care about him, but he lies to them so often they don't realize how much he's struggling. I don't think he handles stress well, he throughout the show, tries to reach out, but the more stress he's under the meaner his one liners get. It's probable that his parents just think he's going through a phase of being a dick rather than him actually needing help. Now, we can't say for sure if he has high functioning depression or anxiety, but we definitely can say that he's struggling emotionally. I personally related to Jared and (the real) Connor the most out of every one in the show. (The real) Connor had the same constant paranoia that everyone is out to get him and the angry outbursts that cause him to be violent, and Jared had the whole joking to hide pain. Based off of this, I do believe he may have high functioning depression that has gone undiagnosed. (This post is way longer than I meant for it to be, and I'm on mobile so please mind any mistakes.) Now, back to his parents, they genuinely don't know their son. I have a feeling they know few of his interests, and likely when he was young would tell him no one cared/they had more important things to talk about. My family has done that for years, and as such I didn't tell them I liked manga or comic books or how I would go in my room and download videogames off of sketchy ass sites. Jared likely is similar to that. After years of hearing "we have more important things to discuss" he probably learned to hide his interests from them. Now, I don't actually think Jared means to be a bad friend. Throughout the show we see him trying to get closer to Evan through all of the Murphy stuff going on. I think that he actually wants Evan to think he's trying. This however does not change the fact that he made Evan pay for the emails, made fun of him - likely for years - and convinced him that they weren't friends. Jared is a distancer (I made that word up but just take it.) He doesn't want people to see how he really feels, and he likely has serious trust issues. We know very little about his family. All that we know is that he's Jewish, his parents don't monitor their wine cellar, and they're reletively well off. That's... It. This could be placed on the fact that he's not a main character and doesn't need his family described in detail, but it also could be because he hides everything. Everything we know about Jared is shit he tells Evan. When he mentions that he never tells his parents anything true, Evan looks slightly concerned but not too shocked. You could place his concerned look on his anxiety over meeting the Murphys. This is likely something Evan has heard from Jared before. Hell, it's likely something that he's known for a while. Almost everything Jared says in the show drives home that he lies more than he tells the truth. We know for a fact that Evan is a compulsive liar, but we might actually have proof that Jared is as well. (Before anyone attacks me, I personally am a compulsive liar who saw myself in Jared, thats where I'm getting this from.) Over all, Jared is extremely complex, but also shrouded in mystery. Not quite as much as Connor, but you do have to take everything he says and look for a double meaning. We have to take all of his complexity, but also realize that there is no "excuse" for essentially bullying Evan, only explanations. Man this was one big ramble. Sorry.

#jared kleinman #DEH #dear evan hansen #I almost wrote about one sided kleinsen #that's a post for a different day #soon though #as soon as my laptop is fixed #I personally love one sided kleinsen #so I want to write about it

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minttearoom · 7 years

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Nick Spencer’s Captain America is Bad, but in these ways

OK ... I made this blog so I could dump my bad opinions on it, so call me out on this if anyone needs to.

-- This isn’t something I care about too much, but I feel like I need to start off by saying that Hydra doesn’t and shouldn’t always have a 1:1 equivalent with Nazis or the political specifics of fascism. In their first appearance, they were a generic mustache-twirling, world-domineering evil enterprise. Although that’s changed because Nazi leaders were retconned in to match the WWII backgrounds of Marvel’s heroes, it’s always been story-dependent as to whether that element really mattered. Sometimes, Madame Hydra trying to take over the world was just Madame Hydra trying to take over the world so that superheroes could have fistfights. There’s a usefulness to a generic SPECTRE-type evil organization for when comics that need a villain to punch. Although it’s important for stories and readers to criticize what that evil entails, there’s a messiness that’s involved when it comes to shared universes and different tools serving different functions in different contexts. This is an issue that mostly irks me when it comes to how the conversations about Captain America are framed, and how they’re framed solely in terms of Hydra, when there’s a little more going on there; this was especially bad after Captain America: Steve Rogers #1 came out. *HOWEVER, this is kind of irrelevant to the rest of what I want to talk about.*

-- I’m not sure if a story about an altered-reality Captain America being evil, or even being a Nazi is off-limits. I’m not a Jonathan Chait “protect malevolent free speech” type, but I do think that you might be able to tell a somewhat meaningful (and possibly respectful) story under these conditions. I understand that WWII is highly sensitive and emotional, and I also understand the situation surrounding Captain America’s creation. However, it’s not like similar stories (or story beats) haven’t been done before -- even one drawn by Jack Kirby. I hate Nick Spencer’s Captain America for a variety of reasons, but part of the reason why is that I think you might actually be able to publish a story like this, even (or especially) in these times, and have it be salient and productive and well thought-out.

-- The problem with Nick Spencer’s Captain America goes back to the beginning of his run. From the beginning, he set out to do a run that broached extremely topical political issues, but keep his comics from making too strong of a stance in any given direction, while insisting that it did have a stance. For example: since the KOBIK/Cosmic Cube plotline, he’s been paying lip service to the idea that there needs to be a discussion about the growth of the security state and what it means to create unimaginable and invasive authority and power when you don’t know who will be in control next. ... Except whenever someone does have anything to say about it,it’s usually only a couple words, or a weak sketch of their stance. You might think this is fine, as long as the conflicts that Spencer brings up are carried through the plot to create meaning. After all, you don’t want to buy comics just to see talking heads debate politics. However, this doesn’t carry through for a few reasons!

-- The first way, most commonly seen in Sam Wilson, is that he’ll bring in some way for the critical/left-leaning position to be criticized. Though this is mostly like to preserve some sort of apolitical company line, it ultimately amounts to centrism, which is a political stance in and of itself, defined by the extremes of political climate in which you’re speaking. You see it first with Rick Jones -- he was a whistleblower hacktivist in the early issues of Captain America: Sam Wilson. The characters in Spencer’s book seem sympathetic to him when he gets caught, but Rick did BREAK THE LAW :( so his rightful course of action is to join SHIELD to help the security state keep on doing everything he despised!

Then came the infamous issue where a Tomi Lahren-type character was inciting hate against a specific undocumented teen -- the new Falcon, Joaquin Torres. Joaquin, understandably, was about to go give her a piece of his mind, but he gets derailed by the appearance of a group of teens who obviously serve as an in-universe warning of the dangers of what he was about to do. These teens, the new Bombshells, not only spouts awkward online academia-derived lingo about safe spaces and trigger warnings but they also advocate violence against racists! They come and fight Falcon and Rage as if to, say “Look out! Don’t become like them!”

You see it when Sam goes to stop Rage from getting in a confrontation with the AmeriCops (Spencer’s convenient robotic representations of racist police brutality). There’s no real strong reason for Rage to have not gotten into a confrontation, as the AmeriCops were ridiculously over-the-cop brutal and terrible, except for concerns about optics and (this is a recurring theme which obviously clashes with some of the issues Spencer wants to bring up) respect for authority.

You also see it when the only true far-left voice in the entire run, Flag Smasher, is the only the only one to fully articulate his issues with corporate influence over politics, the security state, and the no-fly list, and ends up being not only a violent terrorist assassin, but also (amazingly) a plant by Steve Rogers. I can’t begin to say how ridiculous that was.

-- The other way that Spencer undermines the political claims in his run is in how the villains are made overly sympathetic. So much of Captain America: Steve Rogers is about the ideological purity and clarity in Steve’s heart. He is destined to lead Hydra because he is still a great man in the way that Dr. Erskine recognized. (This bears out in the most disgusting of ways in the FCBD issue of Secret Empire, where Steve is still worthy to lift Mjolnir.)

Steve is part of a faction of Hydra lead by some horrorterror old god/sweet old lady named Elisa who becomes Steve’s doting mother figure. She gets in close with his mother, and then dotes on Steve day and night about how he’s good and pure and destined for greatness -- and there isn’t much to undercut this as fascist BS. Elisa goes on and on, essentially dogwhistling what might as well be soliloquy about Steve’s Aryan purity and good heart, yet she never really gets a strong villain moment to underscore the idea that what she’s saying is wrong. The one truly evil thing she she was supposed to have (kill his mother offpanel) apparently never happened! She appears unharmed in later issues of CA: Steve Rogers.

-- This links into the other major problem in Spencer’s run: his depiction of Hydra. From the get-go, he plays up Hydra as not only a fascist neo-nazi organization, but specifically one that parallels modern ethnonationalist movements, all being propagated by the Red Skull. He further links Hydra to literal European nationalist militant movements by having Hydra take over Sokovia (#moviesynergy). Linking back to what I talked about at the beginning, this is all fine, so far; Spencer is making the specific choice in this story to use Hydra as an analogy for Nazism and its connection to the modern day, and this is a story that is obviously just as much about the Red Skull. EXCEPT, over the course of Spencer’s flashbacks to Steve’s altered past, we see that Steve is a member of a faction of Hydra that has always opposed not just the Red Skull, but Hydra joining the Nazis in general!

-- It’s an insanely weird choice to decode: does Spencer want to tell a story about Steve Rogers being allied with the Nazis ... or not? He certainly shows him helping the Nazis in WWII. What’s the point of saying he was secretly opposed to them and the Red Skull this whole time? What is he trying to do with Hydra?

-- For that matter, how much less fascist is Steve supposed to be? He rails out against Red Skull’s cheap inflammatory tactics, yet by the time his Secret Empire is set up, he’s already created an authoritarian state that rounds up Inhumans and puts them into camps! CAMPS!

-- There’s a lot of other, little, infinitely frustrating things. The FCBD issue explained that Wanda joining the HYDRA-vengers probably wasn’t of her own will, but having the Romani girl on the Nazi team is still unsettling, especially if they don’t end up giving her any space to react to it. Spencer’s writing is way lacking in nuance -- whereas Ales Kot gave a thoughtful look at the paranoia that must feed the drive to do crazier and crazier things in the name of security when he wrote Maria Hill in Secret Avengers, Spencer’s Maria Hill shrugs off each evil thing she does in the name of the state with a joke and a condescending comment. Spencer sucks at writing spies and spy stuff in general (there’s no reason he should have gotten two tries at Secret Avengers!), so seeing him try to handle SHIELD in general in the context of this run has been annoying. Also, ... why can Steve lift Mjolnir WHEN HE JUST HELPED KILL BUCKY, jfc.

-- Again, this is partially upsetting because some parts of this aren’t terrible. Sam Wilson is the most effortlessly diverse Captain America book ever, with somewhat decent stories about things like police brutality and immigration when they aren’t being undercut by other elements Spencer sticks in to ~balance things out. Seeing the Champions fight HYDRA in Secret Empire is also pretty unobjectionable. It’s the context and the handling that’s made this all atrocious -- even the publicity of blowing this Nazism thing up to a huge event is pretty dubious.

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ancientcalamity · 7 years

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『 193 out of 200 followers... Pfft, close enough! Hello, everyone! Thank you all for following me. I'm grateful and... it's been many years since I last made a Follow Forever or anything like this; been years since I've trusted people enough to really bother, so it was hard for me to do. There's going to be that bias list below, the different people I know/have come to know/am in the process of getting to know and that have changed me for the better I guess you could say? So, to all of you, even if you aren't on the list,

thank you.

I’d like to put a warning here that it gets pretty personal below the cut, so for a tl;dr of the names, they are as follows:

@guidcnce

@blessedbisha

@divineveena

@hafuriyuki

@calamitouscyan

and last but not least, @shinxki.

Not only are they extremely skilled as writers, they’re extremely wonderful people altogether.

Now...

If ya continue to read, it’s yer choice now. It’s long. 』

As a child to early teen, I'd gone through multiple different types of abuse ranging from sexual to mental and while I'm not a coo-coo person going out to murder random people (lol) or anything like that, I do have mental illnesses and I've had physical disorder(s?) that I'm still going through/getting past thanks to my history.

Each day, I feel horrible waking, honestly.

Don't feel worth it. I'm obnoxious. I'm pushy. I'm clingy. I'm a creep. Still getting to know myself as a person. Still getting to understand emotions again. Still getting to being normal in some way. Still trying to get to the point of not blaming myself for any and everything bad that happens to me or my loved ones.

Those sorta things and of course the other usual stuff besides depression.

Anxiety.

Mild schizophrenia.

Extremely mild dissociative disorder.

aaaaand lastly paranoia.

I don’t think I’m too ‘out there’ with my mental issues and I think I’m sane enough to handle myself out in the world so yeah. My eating disorder isn’t here any longer but I do forget to eat by accident (woops!) so my anemia decides to go

and so, I, in return, go

“-dies-”

I came to the Noragami roleplaying fandom on October 22nd, 2016, but I wasn’t really... out there and not known to much of anyone. I didn’t post for long periods of time, too, and I just sorta accepted it cuz ya know? I was new. I met a few blogs here and there but low and behold that didn’t work out but I’m pretty used to having shit go down the drain for me. It wasn’t odd or anything for me and for a bit I’d though about deleting, remaking, and going to another fandom.

Fast-forward to late November-beginning December and I get a follow back by @guidcnce. “Whoa! Cool! A Kazuma! Holy shit a Noragami blog is following me!” I said, getting overly excited as I ate my Oreos that day-- “Lemme check out their blog!”

Lil’ ol’ me goes to see the blog, I’m happy, excited-- and my eyes fall on @calamitouscyan, @divineveena, and @hafuriyuki.

“....Shit.”

“Okay, so 1.) There’s another Yato and holy fuck, his blog is great, 2.) There’s a BISHAMON ( @divineveena ) but she talks to @calamitouscyan too (fuck me sideways) and 3.) A YUKINE! ( @hafuriyuki ) YAAAA- fuck he tALKS TO @calamitouscyan too?!?!? HOW FUCKING FAMOUS IS THIS DUDE?? Shit, they must’ve been here for such a long time, shit shit shit shit shit--”

Insert panicking and anxiety filled Cel here! -pops party streamers- WOOOOOOO! Yer not good enough!! Fuck yeah! You got people that’ve not only been here WAY longer than you but your blog LOOKS LIKE TRASH AND SO DO YOUR ICONS! NICE!

Yooooooooooou suuuuuuuck!

I suck it up, keep my emotions to myself and wing it with @guidcnce; I got new followers, I meet with OCs and canon rpers, I talk and plot with people, things goin’ great! Kazuma’s bitch ass is being one of the nicest people I’ve met and holy fuck if it wasn’t for them being so nice/lenient with me I wouldn’t-- WAIT. THAT’S NOT IT!

DID YOU KNOW MY YATO IS NOT A /NORMAL/ YATO??? NO?

...

why the fuck are you reading this then?

Go read my About and Rules, you fucker I swear to GOD I WILL FUCKING END YOUR LI-

....

..........

...moving on.

Kazuma had the NERVE to not ONLY reply to my starter with them in canon (well written canon might I add if you don’t follow them you might wanna do so cuz ya know they’re great and stuff and mhm good shit-- A-ANYWAYS-), but also responded to my character AS IF THEY WERE IN THE SAME VERSE AND WORLD AND SPEAKIN’ NORMALLY-- I just...

I WAS EMOTIONAL OKAY???? I STILL AM.

I STILL AM DAMN YOU.

...They didn’t just treat me right when we met and talked in private but they did so in rp and... I think because of them I started to open up more. Finally, I got in gear with my blog and icons and every thing in general for Tumblr. I made a brand new follow post and I was excited and--

....why are @divineveena, @calamitouscyan, and @hafuriyuki following me??? ........no.

no.

NO.

NONONONONONONONONONO--

I’M NOT READY FOR THIS WHAT IF THEY THINK I’M SHIT WHAT IF THEY MOCK ME WHAT IF THEY TALK ABOUT ME THEY SEEM LIKE FRIENDS I’M NEW WHAT IF-

aaaaand here goes panicking Cel x2.

These people are following me, reblogging from me, SENDING ME ASKS--

I get invited to a group of other people and... I’m afraid. Skeptical and looking back at it, I still am sometimes but... that’s something for another day.

@calamitouscyan, @divineveena, and @shinxki are the main others there and it feels like going to a party in the Office and you know how everything is awkward? Yeah that.

There are a few others that I’m sad to say are no longer there but... I don’t hate anyone. Was raised differently than that.

A month goes by and I feel better to talk to others, a few events have happened, and it looks like I have a brand new roleplay partner! Not only did @calamitouscyan and @shinxki include me in something I never thought I’d do- having an OC shinki, a LIVING-- ...dead? ... breathing? ...

fuck it, whatever-- AN OC SHINKI THAT WE LITERALLY FIGHT TOGETHER, but they were supportive during the whole time. @hafuriyuki joined us soon and both of the shinki got along and just...

Everyone was together. An actual family and a group. @calamitouscyan turned out to be another ‘self’ (DICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) ((don’t ask, they’ll get it)) in not just rp but /outside/ it too because of our cultural similarities and it moved to the point I showed a game I was playing and they joined. THEY JOINED AND WE DANCE TOGETHER IN GAME!

I’M NOT KIDDING, LOOK!

I have a friend to play with!

Outside of the game, @divineveena ruins my FUCKING life because we managed to make a relationship for Older!Yato and Bishamon, you wouldn’t be able to tell that they tried to kill each other at one point.

A BrOTP to such a point-- ugh it’s been years.

YEARS.

Trusting people has not been something I do and after YEARS of agony she managed to be my literal best friend and it makes me want to cry.

FUCK WE CAME UP WITH STUPID AS FUCK ‘CRINGE’ MEME ICONS. SHE HAS ONE OF BISHAMON. HERE’S YATO.

It’s AMAZING.

The amount of memes we make it fuckin’ stupid. I love it.

and now there’s another Bishamon- not giving me two of the same type of person but a Bishamon who’s tragic and heartbroken and has problems @divineveena but another who’s ALSO tragic but also healing and softer. @blessedbisha

She has tried her fucking hardest to bring up spirits and cheer up others and just do what she can for each of us- she’s like a mom. I’m Satan of the fandom so someone has to even out my evil deeds-

SERIOUSLY, though, when things are down and horrible, they keep moving.

It’s encouraging.

Both of them.

They both try so hard for everyone, even in the worst times.

Even though I know @divineveena more, I highly doubt @blessedbisha is less caring and both of them fuck up my life as Bishamons because...

ya know.

Bishamon likes beating me up and ruining my day SO YEAH.

....then there’s @shinxki.

I believe I met her around two or three months ago, after meeting the other Yato and Bishamon.

.......

...............

-deep breath-

When I ‘like’ a friend or someone it’s not /that/ type of crush. Not lovey dovey so don’t go cringing away from this post just yet.

It’s like... earlier I said I get clingy; I’ve been abandoned before, multiple times, whether it be for my sexual orientation, my race, my gender issues, my mental issues, my bluntness, or whatever the fuck else people have blown up on me and told me before they left, I’ve been dropped and left. Even recently, when I first started this blog, someone did it within a week because I left to give them space after we had a disagreement. It’s still affecting me, even now. I don’t...

I don’t do well with people hiding things or forgetting me or leaving me behind. I have the phobia about being forgotten or abandoned. It’s full blown and it isn’t pretty. I hate it, but when there’s someone who puts effort into me or something I like and at the same time they talk to me about their issues and don’t hide those things from me and trust me and want to actually bother with me and put up with me and it’s just

-rambling-

IT’S LIKE

“THIS IS MY FRIEND. THIS IS /THAT/ FRIEND. THIS IS THE MAJOR FRIEND. LOOK AT THEM. LOOK. DO YOU SEE THEM? THIS IS THE BAE OKAY LOOK.”

I guess what I’m saying is she’s close. She means a lot and I’m grateful that she

-puts up with me -likes me as a friend -is my shinki -is my ship-friend -is honest with me -is blunt -goes off on me -snaps at me -gets mad at me -doesn’t put me on a pedestal -doesn’t hide things from me

the list goes on but I guess you get the point.

......When I was either 11 or 12 or somewhere near that age, I made a promise to myself, not a nice one and the date of that promise is coming but/and for the first time in a long while, and I mean years again, I don’t know what to think about it and I’m not sure if things will end up going to that point.

To be fair, the only thing I really want now is a job and to go to school. I have a great mom and I actually have friends so... that’s all I want and...

...I think I’d be okay if I had that.

Maybe a therapist and/or a counselor again, too (lmao)...

but... I have these guys to thank for helping me get as far as I have. My life only seems like it’s a downward spiral but they all make me so happy and I owe a lot to them. I’m brash, harsh, blunt, depressed, anxious, and all around a not very pleasant person to be around and all of them try for me and each other. ...They all put themselves down or they’re unhappy in some way and it hurts, because they mean so much more than that and I don’t know what else to do for them.

I’m a person behind a computer screen so... -shrugs-

A ‘thank you’ isn’t really enough. Not a simple one, anyways.

You each mean a lot to not only me but others and I want you and other people to know that. I’m not dead yet, so ya have to be doin’ something correct, right?

...

I’mma stop rambling and leave this here for you all, alright?

𝑚𝑎𝑦 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑓𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑠 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑤𝑖𝑛𝑒.

- 𝖈𝖊𝖑.

#♔ follow forever #guidcnce #blessedbisha #calamitouscyan #divineveena #shinxki #♔ personal||anxieties #personal;#♔ Promos #♔ long post #♔ large promo

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suzu-life · 5 years

Text

Butterflies

Sometimes I ask myself whether Japan bought me forward or took me backwards.

Before the trip I thought I was happy and had a purpose. To look forward and strive for what I want and what makes me happy. I ignored anyone and anything that stood in my way. I shut out unwanted feelings or negative vibes that didn’t make me feel empowered.

The 3 weeks overseas changed me. It forced me to stop running and face the truth. Finally all the thoughts, guilt, shame and reality caught up with me and I started to acknowledge and deal.

Acknowledge the things I’d done to affect people and the consequences that came with it. Admit my true feelings even though it may have been 5 months too late.

It’s so hard at times because on that trip Bao and I found each other again. We realised how much we still cared about one another. We were standing on a long escalator in each others arms and I realised that it was the first time I’d felt happy in those 5 months. What’s even more is that I felt something that I didn’t think I could ever feel with him....butterflies. The connection I thought we’d never had. It was there strong as ever. In that moment nothing mattered. All I cared about was that he and I were together and we were happy.

It’s so cruel how the universe works at times. Just as I had resigned myself to truly fighting with my marriage and ending things with someone else the biggest bombshell that could ever cause destruction to my world dropped and I was thrown into darkness.

Sometimes I want to scream at the sky and ask why? Why now and why this?...why her?

My therapist said that it seems trauma that’s affected me from a long time ago has finally been brought out and it’s causing my hallucinations and paranoia.

So now that we’re back in Melbourne both Bao and I don’t know what to do. Don’t know what to feel. He’s afraid to be with me because in his eyes I was unfaithful and that I could do it all again if things every got too hard. We’re both back at square one mourning what we lost. He’s mad at me for destroying our lives and our families lives.

It’s odd because when he tells me these things all I can do is sit there and say nothing. I can’t ever seem to think in that moment because I’m just frozen. It’s not until afterwards that I am able to rationalise and wish I’d been able to tell him things then and there.

It annoys me how he’s so quick to tell me what I’ve done yet doesn’t acknowledge his own contributions. He’s so mad at me for leaving him and moving on quickly. But I’m also mad at him.

Mad that when he found out he had to do it in the worst way possible so that we couldn’t go back. It was that important to punish and expose me that now even if we wanted to work things out we would both look like idiots. But no...when I tried to tell him this he claims that he would do it again and that I was the one who caused him to react this way because of what I did and that he was hurt. Everything always seems to be acceptable because we can just fall back and blame it on what Stef did. It does worry me...because if we were both going to decide to give our marriage a red hot go again it’s almost as if he wants me to pay and beg and walk through the city naked in shame....alone. And that’s not the way it should be done. Somehow I feel that no matter how much I proved to him that I was sorry for hurting him....no matter how much I keep my mouth shut as his family give me dirty looks and tell me off....it still won’t be enough. He won’t ever forgive me....and subconsciously he’ll never trust me and once again I’d go back to being that same scared compliant girl just trying to please her husband. The difference is this time...I’d truly be alone and no one would care about me because I’m tainted.

I’m mad at him that he says he’ll never tell me the things I want to hear. Honestly when I say to him that I’m hurting because I’m insecure that he thinks about someone else...would it hurt for him to tell me that I’m being silly and that I’m so much better? It’s not rocket science what I’m asking him to say. This is how I never felt like I got closure over the years. I feel like he refuses to say things like that because it’s his way of punishing me. Punishing me in resentment for not doing the same for him and stop talking to the person who he thinks was the cause of our break up. It’s hard because of timing. Had I known he still cared, had I admitted my feelings, had I saw a way for us to be together and saw how upset he was I would have dropped that person immediately. But what I saw from Bao was coldness, anger, hatred and refusal to listen. He just wanted me to admit that I was wrong and agree to his version of events whilst he refused to see mine. Why would I then think to drop said person for someone who hated me, didn’t want to be with me and just wanted me to suffer and pay for hurting him?

Bao said he couldn’t be there for me anymore because of the way I was reacting to the bombshell. How it was bringing up his resentment for me because he was in the same boat and I hadn’t considered him like he’d considered me. It just sucks. Because every time throughout the years I’ve ever tried to tell him my feelings he’d always counter with something. Whether it be that it was too much for him and he couldn’t support me or that he was experiencing something similar as well. He takes it as a discussion and in doing so it discounts what I’m trying to tell him. That’s how I always found it hard to confide in my husband about things I was struggling with. If it was too much for him I would often then curb back my emotions and stifle it. If he countered with his own struggles and feelings I would shove mine aside and talk him through himself and tell him things to make him feel safe and loved.

It’s unfair because he can’t stand me talking about her. He says it’s exactly the same. He says even though I’m going through trauma from 15 years ago it’s still so much worse for him because it’s his first time whilst it’s my second. Sometimes I wonder though if it’s exactly the same then how come I’m not allowed to talk about her yet he can run his mouth all he wants and say whatever about the person he has a problem with? It hurts when he gets like that. Not because of any feelings I have for this guy but because he’s not even in the picture anymore and Bao is so blinded by his hatred for him that he doesn’t see me here still trying and fighting. Every single thing he’s requested of me I’ve tried to accommodate and be supportive.

Yet it’s still never going to be enough.

Sometimes I sit here and wonder as I reflect each time Bao’s said things to me “Am I really that horrible?”... “Was it all really 100% completely me?”... “Now knowing how much I’ve apparently destroyed...should I have just stayed in that marriage miserable the way I was because I’m just a silly girl who doesn’t appreciate what she has?”

If we really were that great at communication then how come every time we have a discussion it seems Bao gets exactly what he wants out of it, is able to portray whatever he wants to me...yet I sit there stunned, in silence and confused? Is this what it’s meant to be like?

I miss being together. Everywhere I look I see things that remind me of him. Whether something good, bad or funny happens to me the first thing I want to do is go home and tell my Bao. I always thought he was home despite the issues, despite the shortcomings....I still do. And it’s so much worse now because I can see we have everything we were missing. Even when he kissed me today there they were....butterflies. I just wanted to hold him forever. But I was aware of how he seemed like he didn’t want me there.

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t be sure what I want. Not with everything on my plate that I need to deal with. All I know is that I’m not thinking about anything and going with my gut and my feelings. Trying to trust them because without them there’s nothing else I can go off. I’ll always remember Japan. I’ll always remember the good times....but I have a feeling I’ve lost my bao forever. It’s obviously too hard for him and that’s ok. I understand completely what he wants and will just be there for him in case he ever wants my support again.

Maybe it was a bad idea to walk through hell with him during our trip.

Maybe I should have never spoken up about him being involved with the one person that would tear my heart into a million pieces.

Maybe I should have stayed quiet and never left my marriage in the first place.

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