Ebb & Flow

part 2 for Heat. diego x reader

warnings: angst, hints of diego’s self loathing, low key set in the prize buck universe but obvs not the same reader character, drinking, oblivious idiot love birds, unprotected pre-marital missionary, edgar allen poe reference, corny ass shit

Four days pass, and every day he debates trying to reach out to you. He wakes up in a cold bed that feels empty without you. But he doesn’t; because you made it very clear you did not want to sleep with Diego Hargreeves specifically. He decides to try to go back to what his life was like before you fell into it. Before he fell for you. He tries to pretend that hair pin (which he’s now tucked away into a drawer) isn’t literally haunting and taunting him every second he’s in his boiler room bedroom. It’s hard for him to sleep or function with it in the room with him, like it screams it’s presence as a trace of you. The hair pin is a tell-tale heart of all of Diego’s misguided feelings and how he so severely misread the situation between the two of you. The hair pin is the constant thrumming of his mind telling him over and over that of course you’d never feel the same way as he does. You were a therapist, he was a gym janitor. Of course you’d tire of slumming it with a man that regularly plays crime fighter at night. Diego is constantly reminded of you even without seeing the hair pin because he just knows where he put it. And that address. That damn address carefully written in blue pen on the back of one of your business cards. Would it be wrong of him to still look into the warehouse? You had to have left it for him on purpose, you had to have taken it out of your bag and left it there purposely on the bed; there was no way it could have fallen out of the bag that was on his table and onto the middle of his bed as you were leaving. Diego tries to bury his thoughts of you in vigilante work, tries to stay out late. He succeeds and returns just before the gym opens in the morning. When he finally gets back to his boiler room, Al offhandedly mentions that a woman had inquired about his whereabouts. Part of Diego desperately hopes and wishes it’s you, but he doesn’t do anything about it. You probably don’t actually want to see him. Or it's one of his sisters. Probably just Allison or Vanya. Family stuff. Maybe they had another dad die or something. 

Twelve days later, he finally works up the courage to call the owner of the warehouse to ask about pricing and zoning if he wanted to start his own gym there. He had enough in savings that he could have moved out of his current situation and into a studio like Klaus had, but he wanted to put as much money together for his own gym before he thought of himself. He could sleep peacefully alone on a cot in a gym that he happened to own. The current owner remarks that he had heard Diego would be calling, and says he likes the idea of a gym going into the space there. He thanks the man, and they strike a deal, talk about a title and deed change to be drafted and signed for the beginning of the next month. Diego unofficially owns his own gym now. Normally he would be calling you to celebrate, but instead he dials and hopes the landline at Klaus’ apartment is still connected. Klaus’ partner answers and congratulates Diego, and invites him out to the bar with them this weekend. Diego’s voice declines before his mind can stop himself. Maybe because he didn't want to celebrate with anyone but you. 

It’s fifteen days later, Friday, when Diego regrets not going to the bar with Klaus and his partner. It's Diego, a six pack, and that damn hair pin having what looked more like a pity party than a celebration of a major life event. But maybe that's not the worst thing, now he can focus himself for the job ahead, get a good night's sleep. Well, he would have gotten a good night's sleep, if there weren't suddenly shouting coming from the hallway outside his door. 

“Klaus, I don't want to be here!”

That was clearly, unmistakably your voice. You were outside his door and vehemently expressing that you wanted nothing to do with this place. What were you doing with his brother? Oh, right. Friday night at the bar. He was supposed to have been there too, but he bailed. 

“Well it was either this or you officially become part of my harem for the night”

“I have a home, thank you very much! I could go to it”

“But you left your car at the club, and you live across the city. You’re safe here, even if you are afraid of my brother now.”

Afraid. Afraid. Your opinion of him had gone from disgust to fear. He presses his ear now to the door and can only hear one set of retreating footsteps. Someone is leaving, and if hes right, its Klaus. 

Then he hears,

“FUCK,” a frustrated half-groan, half-scream. He has to admit to himself, even hearing how unhappy you seemed, he missed hearing your voice. He missed you. And you were outside his door right now in the middle of the night. Fuck it, he thought, I’m not missing my chance. 

When Diego opens the door, he sees you sitting on the ground, tight jean clad legs spread and chunky high heeled boot toes pointed outwards. He always loved those shoes on you. When his eyes meet your face, there’s an indignant pout on your lips, but your eyes are apologetic. 

“How much of that did you hear?”

“Enough. C’mon, I’m not leaving you in the hallway.” He opens the door a little wider, enough that he could usher you in, but you don't budge.

“Y’know, i’m not even drunk it's just my-”

“-your rule, yeah, I remember,” You had this rule that no matter what, you wouldn't get behind the wheel if you'd had more than one beer or even one drink stronger than a beer. Always best to err on the side of caution, you’d said. Better to not get pulled over at the very least or kill anyone else at the very worst, and you could handle being inconvenienced if it meant safety. But the fact of the matter is that it's the dead of winter and you live across town. You actually live in pretty close proximity to his new gym. 

“Come in, you can take my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch in Al’s office. It’s two am and you are not walking home looking like that. I’ll stay away from you,” He's trying his best to sound comforting and respectful, but it hurts. It hurts to be inviting you in and knowing you want nothing to do with him. 

“You don't have to-” you pause, as if trying to find the right words, “I’m not gonna put you out like that”

Diego nods, and turns back inside the boiler room, holding the door open, and you catch it, following him. It's just like old times, except it isn't. 

“Here, I've got a shirt and some pants you can sleep in,” Diego’s rifling through his drawers as he talks, worried he’ll look at you too long and seem as desperate as he is. He manages to throw a clean tee and a pair of jogger sweatpants on the bed, two of the only clean items he has currently because tomorrow is laundry day. Diego turns completely around to avoid looking at you while he can hear you changing, something he never would have done before, but there are boundaries now. He can imagine exactly what you look like right now, beautiful as ever and tired, changing into his clothes, just as it had happened dozens of times before. Only before he would have watched in awe and then grabbed you all to himself. 

“You can turn around now, nothing you haven't seen before,” your voice is soft, you don't sound annoyed anymore and he can’t help but feel a twinge of hope at that. 

When he turns around, he sees you've neglected the pants all together. Your bare legs end where the hem of his shirt meets the tops of your thighs and - why the fuck would you tell him to turn around with you dressed like this?

You gesture to his bed, and he sits on it, but you don't. You stay standing, looking more apprehensive and nervous by the second. 

“K-klaus said you're afraid of me now?” Stupid thing to say. Diego’s tired. His insecurities are showing. You're the last person he would want to be afraid of him.

Your face crumbles into something unreadable, but what he would guess is pity or guilt. Which are maybe worse than fear and disgust by his standards. He lets his head drop, suddenly finding his draped hands between his legs to be extremely interesting. 

You shift from one foot to another, unsure of how to answer, but then it comes to you. 

You place yourself in his line of vision, not allowing him to look away as you kneel down on your knees between his own. The sight alone is more than Diego can bear.

“No, no I'm not. I'm sorry you heard that and he said that. Look, I wanted to talk to you, not like this, not right now. I came by last week but you weren't here.” So it was you that had come around. Not his sisters like he had convinced himself. You wanted to talk to him. 

“I wanted to apologize. I-I shouldn't have left like that. I need to explain to you why I left.” He nods, and lets you continue. “I crossed a line. I was wrong. Our arrangement, I know it was like a no strings attached thing, but I started to have strings! I have so many strings. I broke our agreement, it wasn't casual for me. I broke your trust. I had to leave. I couldn't do that to you.”

Strings. You had strings, attached. To him of all people. You broke the rules. So did he. He searches your face, as if there's something to read on your features, and feels your hands slide into his own. 

“I-I-I’m sh-shitty at t-tying knots.” Diego what the fuck was that? He was more nervous than he thought. But you break into a watery grin, understanding the meaning in his words. You nod, and reply,

“I can teach you, if you've got strings to spare.” That was extremely sappy, and he loved it. He had so many strings to spare. He loved you. And he could show it now.

He tugs on your hands to pull them up to his shoulders, and you lean up into it, lips coming together as his hands wrap around your back to hold you tight. He easily lifts you up until he can gather you in his lap and keeps kissing you, over and over and over until you're dizzy. He holds you tightly, not unlike the last time you were in his bed, but this time his hands roam and grasp and touch, exploring you like it's the first time you're doing this. In a way, it is. It's the first time you're doing this so vulnerable and open with one another. You don't have to hide the smile that forms against his lips, you don't have to feel shame in the way that your lips chase after his own when he tries to pull away. You are taking from each other as much as you are giving, and for once you are giving everything.

His hands slide from your back, to the hem of his shirt, to your ass under the shirt. Diego is, at heart, an ass man you remember. He squeezes one cheek, then slaps it. Not hard, just enough to feel the slight jiggle at the contact. He chuckles against your mouth and then continues south, still kneading his hands into the flesh of your ass as his kisses meet the hem of his shirt at the other side, at your neck. You kiss his cheek, his nose, the scar that connects from behind his ear to his eye. Diego takes the time to lick the base of your neck, making you shudder and moan into it before he flips the both of you, surprising you when your back hits the blankets below. Looking up at him, his eyes are full of lust and admiration. 

“You look beautiful in my shirt, baby,” he whispers.

“And you are wearing entirely too much, dear” you reply.

He groans, and it turns into a chuckle as he whips his shirt off his torso, revealing his broad, scarred chest to you, which your hands immediately reach for to pull him back down onto you. He makes no move to remove the shirt covering you, but you think this might be doing something for him. Instead, his hands roam under the shirt again, and tease at the hem of your underwear. They aren't a particularly sexy pair, because the last thing you expected to happen tonight is this. It doesn't matter to Diego, who just pulls them down as far as his arm can reach, letting you kick them the rest of the way off as he fumbles with pulling his sweatpants down. There isn't the usual teasing game tonight, no. You'd spent too much time apart, you are full to the brim with love that even a little teasing would have the two of you spilling and in pain. This is fuck-or-die with no real consequences but your own impatience and need for each other. 

Diego wastes no time gently spreading your legs with a smooth slowness you didn't know he possessed before easing inside of you. You gasp, close your eyes, and breathe, taking a moment to remember this. This is what it felt like to make love. Another first for both of you. His pace, when he finally begins moving, is slow and steady, he's in no rush now that he has you. He’s quieter than usual, opting to just kiss you until he's sure you can read his mind and just understand what he's thinking. You rock peacefully, like a boat on the ocean, cresting waves within you mounting, exhaling with low moans he's never heard from you before. You never thought slow and careful would bring you to climax, but here you are feeling it steadily build and build. Waves now beginning to crash instead of ebb and flow, Diego’s only warning being your moans beginning to rise an octave. The release hits you in an all encompassing mighty tidal wave, leaving you shaking in his arms, holding onto him tightly like a lighthouse to the shore. This was not a white hot explosion, this was the tides coming home. As you subside, you almost feel ashamed at how quickly you came for him, but Diego is close behind you, your body pulling him to shore after you. He comes with a tight, close-lipped hum of a moan pressed against the side of your neck, and stills above you. His body cages yours to the bed, a willing prisoner of whatever Diego Hargreeves had in store for you. Whatever happened next for him, you were along for the voyage.

Lol i like how no one wants to touch ric grayson even fandom, i was also looking for ric fics that fixes that sh*t and found nothing but yours.

I think honestly it’s because like...in bruce’s amnesia arc, it showed still that Bruce was the kind of person who wanted to make a change and do good. He came back rattled and saw family but didn’t really accept or interact with them, but in general, it was still an affirmation of who Bruce was deep down as a person.

And ESPECIALLY with Dick Grayson, that’s how I personally think the arc of Ric Grayson should have gone down. Sure, he wakes up and doesn’t recognize Bruce, Damian and Barbara. Sure he decides he wants to go back and start his own life back up without help, without these strings he doesn’t know or understand attached.

But instead of proving Dick’s kindness and general goodness, through whatever means (ie, the youth center, officer, hospital orderly, teacher, volunteer coordinator, even bar tender etc) they...make him a drunk. They have him break into people’s houses. They have him be hateful and gloomy and apathetic.

And I think it’s just very jarring for fans - Because whether he’s Nightwing, Batman, Robin, or just himself, Dick Grayson is kind. Dick Grayson sees the best in people, or at the very least tries to help others, and I feel like that’s just a basic thing wouldn’t be changed in amnesia, at least not in comics (I of course have very little experience when it comes to amnesia in others).

And I think it would have made the ‘redemption’ arc so to speak more interesting. He woke up and has no idea who he is but was apparently shot while acting as a vigilante named Nightwing. He doesn’t want that life again, but he sees people or situations in needs and finds himself wanting to help. THAT’S Dick Grayson at his basic core, memories or not.

But no. They took away our love and a guy who’s always working to find and better himself and we get.....dirtbag Ric. It’s just...whiplash inducing and such a let down from we know this character is, struggling or not.

Infinity Wand

Summary: I recognize that "Endgame" is now a movie. But given that it's a stupid-ass one, I'm electing to re-write it.

Ashes to Ashes, a new Dark Lord

The Avengers' final school year ends on a low note, with Thanos turning half of the world's population to ash with a flick of his Infinity Wand. Not only are half of all living things now gone, but Thanos has evened out the number of Muggles, Wizards and non-Human Beings in the universe, leading to the loss of almost the entire Muggle population.

Thanos now rules the planet with his Infinity Wand. Muggles were exposed to the magical world overnight, in the most horrifying way possible. Imagine preparing for a zombie apocalypse our whole life, only to suddenly instead see half your family crumble to ash, followed by a grape giant declaring himself your new Dark Lord.

All wizard schools are taken over by Thanos's minions, with a not-quite-dead Professor Squidward named the new Headmaster of Hogwarts. All the surviving students and Avengers must pretend to obey the slimy new Headmaster, and plan their continued fights in secret.

No Trust, Liar

Tony Stark and Nebula are left stranded in the ruins of Salazar Slytherin's palace, with no transportation. (Milano, the dragon that the Guardians of the Realm's house sits on the back of, was disintegrated by Thanos.) The two Slytherins develop a strong bond, and adopt each other. Tony teaches Nebula the Muggle sport of paper football, and Nebula drapes blankets over Tony after he's passed out. Just before they die of starvation and exposure, an unusually powerful vampire appears out of nowhere, hauls them each up in one arm, and flies them back to Hogwarts.

A tearful reunion follows in the Avengers' tower. Tony then lets out two years worth of rage at Steve Rogers, before collapsing to the floor and being taken to the Hospital Wing, where Bruce has to give him a literal sedative. That's when

Pepper lashes out at Steve for lying to Tony about his parents, and everything during the drunken Quidditch brawl. Rhodey tries to pacify her; as a military student himself, he guessed early on the real reason for Steve's lie, hence why he was so forgiving when they reunited during the Infinity War.

Steve then goes to the Hospital Wing, where Tony is still seemingly out cold. Steve finally pours out a real apology, warts and all, no excuses, with real emotion and tears. Mad-Eye Fury ordered Nat and Steve to stay quiet about Tony's parents, because Nick, like Stephanigus Strange , deduced that Tony was one of the world's most important defences against Thanos, and didn't want Earth's best defender getting sidetracked and killed on a quest for revenge. Steve never let Fury's orders stop him from doing what he wanted, and he admits now that the only thing stopping him from telling Tony was that he was a coward and he was selfish. He was afraid of Tony going after Bucky, or simply refusing to loan Steve his resources to look for him. He didn't write Tony a real apology after the "Civil War" because Steve has spent the last seven years shielding himself with corny cliches and heroic trappings. Tony wakes up while Steve is starting to cry, and states plainly that he doesn't think he'll ever be capable of forgiving him.

His rage returning, Tony adds, "Nice of you to finally give a real apology after two years though. Only took all your favorite friends dying." Rolling over he repeats, "No trust. Liar."

Last Hope, Crushed

For a brief moment, the Avengers think they had a chance to undo the Dusting Curse.

"Get Time Turners from the Ministry of Magic!" Nat says. "Use them to get our own set of Infinity Stones, fight Thanos, and bring everyone back!"

Since Hermione Granger was among the Dusted, she can't loan them her own Time Turner. But the Order of the Avengers, and their new allies, are able to break into the now Thanos-controlled Ministry....only to find that Thanos has destroyed all of the Time Turners, to prevent exactly what they were trying to do. Conveniently, everyone who knew how to make a Time Turner has been Dusted. And on top of that, he's also Dusted the Avengers' and Guardians' resident telepaths ("completely random" my ass).

Bruce screams at the purple bastard, "Why the hell didn't you just use the Time Turners, or the Time Stone, or all the stones, to make more resources, instead of killing trillions?!" just before Nat drags him out the window by the tail during their escape.

Worst Summer Ever

This following summer break is the worst the Order of the Avengers have ever had.

When the Dusting spell was cast, Clint Barton is at the family cottage with his younger brothers and sisters. His oldest sister is preparing a picnic, while Clint teaches his youngest sister an arrow spell. Having accepted his expulsion from Hogwarts following the UnCivil Quidditch Brawl, Clint is taking the rest of the school year off, and considering his job options. Then, suddenly, all of his younger siblings are ash. This breaks the Hufflepuff, who promised their parents before they died that he'd protect his little brothers and sisters. Clint drops his Hawkeye moniker and becomes Ronin the Barbarian. Outraged by the injustice of the Dusting Spell, Clint hunts down evil people, wizard and Muggle alike, with the Sword of Helga Hufflepuff.

Bruce Banner undergoes the most obvious change. After weeks of being unable to come out, the Wolf finally returns full force, after seeing half his friends Dusted. It takes Thor, Carol and Nebula to subdue the Wolf. Since both Wanda and Mantis are now dust, only traditional magical science can help the giant green werewolf. Tony teams up with Princess Shrui--who was not dusted--to help solve Bruce's dilemma. With the help of all his friends, Bruce slowly makes peace with "the furry guy," as both are now in 100% agreement in their fury and devastation. Bruce then undergoes a new transformation, becoming a humanoid, rationally-thinking werewolf. He takes on the name "Professor Wolf," and gains some new fangirls amongst the surviving Muggle population (mainly the Muggles who frequent DeviantArt and Fur Affinity).

For Tony and Pepper, there is a tiny grain of happiness, encompassed by more fear, when Pepper discovers she is pregnant. They plan to name the child after her eccentric, possibly-magical uncle Morgan. Tony gets them a cottage by a lake, near Bill and Fleur's place, walled off with protective spells. But everyone still lives in terror of Thanos. Tony's Slytherin will is temporarily snuffed out, save his determination to keep Pepper and the baby safe.

Steve Rogers, who during the Infinity War proved to have recovered from his out-of-character antics during the drunken Quidditch Civil War, is devastated by all the loss, especially Bucky crumbling to dust right before him. Steve often looks at his compass, inside of which he has stuck Peggy Carter's wizard card, not because he is abruptly obsessing over an old flame, but because he's wondering what someone he admired would be telling him to do now. He decides to start leading therapy groups, like Sam did. Steve occasionally goes on tangents about his own comparatively minor troubles, but this is a quirk the world has simply come to accept from the Gryffindor.

Thor is arguably in the worst position. His entire family has died one by one, plus the wise family owl Heimdall, and the mountain region of Asgard has been destroyed, along with three forths of the Asgardian population (first half were slaughtered by Thanos's army, and then half of the surviving half were Dusted). Since Hogsmede now has some extra space, the surviving Asgardians are able to get a new neighborhood there. Thor spends most of his time in his apartment above the Three Broomsticks, playing Muggle video games with his friends, and spiraling into alcoholism and overeating.

Natasha Romanoff locks herself up in the Ravenclaw tower and becomes a workaholic, obsessively monitoring the surviving populations around the world, and organizing remaining vigilantes still fighting to protect the innocent from Thanos. The only thing she does for herself is Metamorph her hair into a cool ombre sunset motif.

Carol Danvers isn't around much. "There are a lot of intelligent species in the magic world, and most of them don't have an Order of the Avengers." She keeps in touch with Natasha via the Floo Network, though. But Mad-Eye Fury didn't contact Carol for nothing. What makes her so special? Her connections. Nick knew Carol had a whole Realm of species to protect, and promised to only bother her with (living) humans if something that directly and immediately threatened all populations came up. Carol is now flying around the planet, rallying Vampires and other Beings in the effort to defy Thanos. She also gets a rather boss haircut.

Nebula plots her revenge on Thanos, while also checking on Tony and Pepper. When the time comes, Nebula is even in the delivery room.

Scott Lang is still trapped in the Spirit Realm, and thought to be among the Dusted....

The Ant-Nimagus Returns!

At the end of his last adventure, Scott Lang entered the Spirit Realm to collect ectoplasm (basically ghost-sh!t) to help his new ghostly friend, Ava Starr. Unfortunately the entire Pym/Van Dyne family was dusted, along with Ava, and Scott was left stranded in Limbo for the entire summer....

Then, just as the leaves were beginning to change, one of the Weasley family rats (Scabbers XIV) chews away at the magic veil Scott vanished behind, and finally opened up a portal wide enough for Scott to escape. Scott is confused and horrified when he stumbles onto the street and finds trees covered in Missing posters, accompanied by Ordinances signed by "the Dark Lord Thanos." And Muggle news sources talking about magic?!

Rushing to his ex's house, Scott is both relieved and frightened to be greeted by his now teenage daughter.

After the tearful reunion, Scott asks, "How many years was I gone Cassie? It felt like three hours."

"It was three months Dad," Casseopia Lang replies. "I had another fay growth spurt in that time."

(Cassie Lang is part nymph, and ages more quickly than her peers.) 

"Wow, we're like, almost the same age now. This is awkward."

"Mom and Jim are dust."

"And depressing."

Scott finds his way to Steve and Nat, who are flabbergasted but overjoyed to find him alive. Scott is crushed to learn that all three of his crime-buddies are now piles of ash in the Slytherin common-room. Scott arranges the three piles into neat circles, into which he draws crude emote faces to represent how he best remembers each of them.

Scott is able to bring something to the table that even Carol Danvers lacks; knowledge of the Spirit Realm, which exists outside the Spacetime Continuum, and thus can be used for Time Travel. In fact, it turns out that this Realm was regularly used by the Ministry in the Manufacturing of Time Turners...

Lab Gang Learning about this new hope, Tony is at first apprehensive. By now, more months have passed, and Pepper has given birth to a baby girl. Tony doesn't want to lose Morgan or Pepper, or endanger more lives, in an attempt to defy Thanos. But a glance at a wizard-photo of him goofing off with his little Ravenclaw has him change his mind. Tony flies back to the Avengers' tower at Hogwarts, and tells Steve he's done letting resentment eat away at him, and presents Steve with a new shield. Since Steve has already given a full, satisfying, heartfelt apology and explanation, that the audience saw every detail of and didn't have to head-canon up for themselves, Tony's forgiveness makes perfect sense and has the exact emotional impact its writers intend for it to (breaks keyboard while typing). Now, the smartest wizards have to figure out how to use the Spirit Realm for time travel. Deep in Snape's old Potions dungeon, Tony, Bruce, Rocket, and Shuri--who was not Dusted!--all get together to brainstorm. The four geniuses exchange ingenuity and banter, and it is brilliant. Rocket, a niffler, is enamored with Tony’s chest amulet, and steals it, causing some health problems for Tony. This angers Professor Wolf, who chases the niffler/raccoon hybrid around the lab until he catches him and makes him into a violent chew toy. Shuri snags Rocket from the Wolf, and the amulet from Rocket. Struck with inspiration, the Wakandan princess makes some adjustments to the amulet, to Tony’s embarrassment and begrudging awe. This leads to a “eureka!” moment for the four of them, in regards to the Time Travel problem, and they finally get it solved. Meanwhile, Nat, using her metemorphmagus spy skills, finally tracks Clint Barton down in Japan, where he is slaying evil Vampires with the Sword of Hufflepuff (an opal-encrusted katana). He apparently also used the sword to try cutting his hair, hence his disastrous new do. Nat tells Clint they may have a way to bring his family back, and possibly even fix his hair. With this new glimmer of hope, Clint returns to Hogwarts.

Time Heist! Tony and Scott first attempt to use their combined Slythrin cunning to stal the Mind Stone from the Avengers' first battle with Loki, but succeed only in amusing shenanigans and observing Amreica's ass. Figuring it may be better to combine opposite skills, Tony and Steve then decide to try a Slytherin/Gryffindor team-up, and they go further back to the 1970s. There, they find help from the Maurauders, who are more than happy to break some rules and help with a heist, even for two guys they don't know. Steve sees Peggy, carrying on with her life, and watches her with a mixture of sad longing, and happiness that she's moved on. Tony meanwhile meets his father Howard, and discusses parenthood with him. Howard goes on about how "unqualified" he feels, and how he'd do anything for his coming baby, and Tony is reminded once more how full of sh*t his father always was. But since the bastard died an admittedly horrible death, Tony hugs and thanks him anyway, before yeeting off with the Stone. Steve starts to apologize once again, but Tony cuts him off. Tony's cunning and Steve's daring result in a success, and they return to the present time with the Mind Stone. Thor and Rocket travel to Asgard's past, to get the Reality Stone. Thor reunites with his mother, and sees he's still worthy of his hammer/broom, which he brings back with him to the present. Before he leaves, Queen Frigga tells him, "It's time to start being who you are, rather than who you're 'supposed' to be." "Are you telling me to step down from my throne?" "...step down? After your first five years were less than ideal? You're barely 1500 years old, my son. What I'm saying is, you could  take a bit of time off to find yourself. A decade or two of vacation, having adventures with your rabbit friend, maybe. And you can even stay fat for a few centuries if you want. But why in the world would I be suggesting that you should throw away all you've fought for, just because of how things turned out over the last half-decade?" "I'm sorry Mother...living with Midgardians must've gone to my head. Though, I always was rather impulsive anyway."   Rhodey and Nebula meanwhile travel to the Forbidden Forest, where Star Lord is about to steal the Power Stone from a heavily guarded cave. Rhodey and Nebula get along well, both now being close friends of Tony's, and both having been magically modified against their wills. (Rhodey, still a merman, must rely on his silver broom for transportation above water.) The pair interrupts Quill's opening dance number with Petrificus Totalus, and snag the Stone. Past-Thanos learns what they're up to, and almost follows them back to the present time, but Nebula kills her evil past self and past-Thanos, gaining some much-needed catharsis for herself. Past Gamora, however, stows away aboard Nebula's broom, as she and Rhodey fly back through the Spirit Realm to the present. Bruce gets the Time Stone from fellow a Ravenclaw, the Ancient One. Not battle or trickery is needed for this one; just honest, Ravencalw-to-Ravenclaw reasoning. When Bruce tells her about Strange sacrificing the Time Stone to save Tony, she realizes what this must mean, and hands the Stone over to Bruce. "But you must promise to return it, and restore the timeline." "I swear, my Lady, there is no one amongst the Order of the Avengers who would ever even consider messing up the Timeline for any reason, no matter how tempted they are." Nat and Clint go back in time to the palace of Salazar Slythrin, where Red Skull explains the trade for the Time Stone. Hufflepuff Clint naturally wants to be the one to die; he's already lost his family, he can't bear to lose his best friend as well. And he feels he deserves death, for the violent way he handled the loss of his family. But Nat, ever the pragmatic Ravenclaw, remembers that this death may not be permanent; and if god forbid it is, Clint's family will need him, and the world will need as many stable families like Clint's as possible, to rebuild. And she has a lot more red on her ledger to die for than he does. So she sacrifices herself. This apparent loss crushes the Avengers. The stereotype that Ravenclaws are just cold intellectual machines is BS; Nat was introspective and witty, and at the center of the heart of thee Order. And she never got to have a family. They sit in front of the Hogwarts lake, taking in her death. 

Bruce roars, and tosses a bench into the lake. The kids sitting on the bench, Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley, barely react, as they too were close with Nat and are mourning her. Even the Giant Squid is too sad to be bothered by the littering of his lake.  "We'll bring her back," Steve says sternly, as tears stream down his face. "It can't be undone," Clint chokes. "Sure it can't," Tony says clenching his jaw. "Just like Time Travel and bringing back the Dusted is impossible. When this is over, we won't need the Stone anymore, and we'll still have Time Travel." The Un-Dusting Tony builds a new Infinity Wand for the Avengers' set of Stones. Naturally, he designs the wand with the same red motif as his own--but this isn't just Tony's diva ego flashing again. He has always seen it has his own duty to defeat Thanos. His mind is temporarily changed when he attempts to use the Infinity Wand, and nearly passes out just from holding it with all the stones. Only Professor Wolf is strong enough to wield it with relative ease, and even he howls with pain as he flicks it. Thanos (the real, current Thanos, who is not dead) senses at once that a new Infinity Wand has been created and used, and attacks Hogwarts. The Avengers prepare to face him themselves, Bruce still weilding the Infinity Wand in his furry green paw, when suddenly portals open up around the school. Stephanigus Strange is back, along with all of the Dusted! Steve Rogers is frozen as he watches Sam and Bucky fly towards him on their brooms, coming from the left and right respectively. Bucky stares at Steve with scolding eyes, and says, "I told you not to do anything stupid," before barreling into him with a hug. Meanwhile, an adorkable little Ravenclaw in a spider-themed cloak swings up to Tony, and begins babbling about how wild it is to be back from the dusted, only to be interrupted by a tight hug. "Oh, this is nice!" As Tony crushes his surrogate baby brother, his eyes meet Bucky's, who is stilll crushing Steve. It's a silent, wet-eyed, exchange of forgiveness between the two of them. Then Tony notices Professor Squidward raising his wand behind Bucky and Steve. In one slick movement, Tony shoves Peter behind him, whips out his own wand, and blasts Squidward into a thousand gory pices of sushi. Bucky returns the favor a moment later, blasting a Thanos-minion that was coming up on Tony and Peter, before leaping over and finishing the villain off with some loud vampiric slurping. Bruce searches desperately for Natasha, and can't find her. He has a sickening feeling she wasn't revived. Vision and Gamora aren't seen either.... But all of the other the Guardians of the Realm are back. King T'Challa leaps through a portal, roaring and changing into his panther form in mid-jump. Wanda Maximoff soars out of the Wakanda portal, no broom or wand, running purely on her own scarlet magic. A pixie buzzes over to Scott, and Hope Van Dyne reverts to her usual size. A white ghostly blur gradually solidifies into Ava Starr, emerging through a slightly irritated Stephen Strange. Valkyrie flies in on her Pegasus, accompanied by all of the Asgardians, including Thor's new eccentric friends from "Ragnarok." From the next portal comes Nicademus Fury and Maria Underhill, ready to kick ass, and not about to miss out on this epic showdown battle, because that would just be jackalope-sh*t. From the next portal comes Lady Sif, Sharyn Carter, Christine Everhart, Bill Foster, and Galaga Guy. From the next, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron, Hagrid, and all of the main heroes from their generation (all having been Dusted). Portals open from wizarding schools around the world--Ilvermorny, Durmstrang, Beaubaxtons, Mahoutokoro, and Xavier's School for Gifted Wizards. From the final portal emereges Eddie Brock/Venom, Deadpool, and DarkWing Duck.   And now the most epic battle in wizard history begins. Battle for Hogwarts The red Infinity Wand is tossed between the strongest Avengers during the battle, each of whom gets a turn using it against Thanos's original model. Bruce and the Wolf fight Thanos once more, now together, and wielding the red Infinity Wand. Professor Wolf is struggling to simply turn Thanos and his minions to dust, but it's one Infinity Wand up against another. As the two Infinity Wands blast against each other, a light begins to glow in the middle of the two spells. Bruce suddenly hears a familiar voice, half in his head. "Bruce, give someone else a turn." Natasha--or a ghostly version of her--is emerging from the middle of the two Infinity Wands' spells. "Priori Incantatem!" shouts Shuri, from her blue-and-silver panther broom. "Or something like it! Two sets of Infinity Stones blasting against each other, their past spells are regurgitating!" The moment of shock distracts Bruce long enough for Thanos to blast him to the ground. The grape bastard is about to pick up the other Infinity Wand, but spirit-Nat delivers a kick to his face. It's not a huge amount of damage--she only has the typical strength of a very angry poltergeist--but it buys enough time for Spidey to swing by and snag up the wand with his web. The little Ravenclaw trembles with the Infinity Wand in his hand; he's stronger than the average wizard, but maybe not quite strong enough to wield an Infinity Wand without harming himself. Thanos and his minions close in on him, and Thanos raises his own Infinity Wand towards Peter. The two Infinity Wands clash against each other once more, and another ghost emerges--Gamora. "I won't let you hurt another orphan!" ghost-Gamora screams, flying at her "father's" putrid head with her green fists raised. Below, past-Gamora watches in awe, as the revenge she's alwasy dreamed of starts to come true before her eyes. Seemingly all of the witches in the battle fly over and form a motherly wall between Thanos and Spidey, with ghost-Gamora and Nat in the lead. Valkyrie flies over on her Pegasus, and Ava Star comes running out of a Hogwarts castle wall. Pepper Potts is also there, with a new shinny purple broom and wand. Wanda Maxmoff and Jean Gray exchange a glance, silently admiring each other's red magic motifs, while Storm brings in some extra lightning for Thor. While the two Infinity ghosts of Nat and Gamora wrestle Thanos, Carol Danvers leaps over and snags the red Infinity Wand from Peter, just before the poor kid collapses. Thanos throws the two spirits off of him, and blasts at Carol. Now it's Captain Marvel's turn to have an Infinity duel with the Dark Lord. Thanos head-butts Carol, which does nothing to the vampire. An armada of dragons closes in, and Carol blasts them all with the Infinity Wand. She tries to turn Thanos and his minions to dust, but he stops her with his own Wand. Once again, two Infinity Wands clash. Carol's holding it against Thanos good, but one of the grape f**ker's minions delivers a cheap blast to her back, sending Carol spinning into the air, and the red Infinity Wand into Thanos's outstretched hand. The purple Dark Lord now wields both Infinity Wands. Worthy Thor raises Mjolnir, now in hammer form (it can switch between hammer and broom), in one hand, and Stormbreaker in the other, hoping his two weapons might be at least a momentary match for the two Infinity Wands. Unfortunately, Thanos instantly blasts Mjolnir out of Thor's hand, though Thor manages to keep a hold of the ax. A corny Mexican tune suddenly honks through the battlefield. Ant-Man's three friends are back, and they've made a quick heist on the way to the courtyard. They're flying in on their magical musical carpet. "Hey Scotty," Luis bellows, "Sorry we're late. Here, this thing's like a magical-sword vending machine or something, right?" And he tosses down the Sorting Hat. Scott, currently a giant ant, fails to catch the hat in his whale-sized pincers. But Janet Van Dyne flies by and grabs the Sorting Hat. Her daughter, in miniature-pixy form, soars into the Hat. Hope comes out, full-sized, wielding a Japanese-styled Katnana, with an elegant bronze handle shaped like an eagle, encrusted with sapphires: the Sword of Ravenclaw. Janet tosses the Hat down to Sam Wilson, yelling, "Pass it around!" Sam pulls out the Sword of Hufflepuff. "Isn't this yours?" he asks Clint, who refuses it. "I got my arrows." Clint says, blasting his arrow spells from his wand like a machine gun. Sam gives a curt nod. The young animagus then takes his Falcon form, clutching the sword in his talons, and tossing the Sorting Hat to Nebula. The blue chimera draws the silver, serpentine Sword of Slytherin--once her sister Gamora's personal weapon. Rhodey swoops by on his broom, slapping the Hat into the air with his merman-tail, and in midair, drawing the Sword of Gryffindor. There is one last weapon to be picked up. Mjolnir is lifted from the ground, with a clash of thunder.  Steve Rogers is finally worthy to lift Mjolnir, now that he has finally owned all of his past faults and grown out of previous shallow idea of heroism, in a well-done arc that the audience saw in detail and didn't have to head-canon up for themselves (smashes computer and tosses it out the window). Everyone is now armed with some uniquely badass weapon, gathered behind the Cap. Holding the hammer and shield, Steve finally bellows, "Avengers, assemble!" Scott Lang is now in his largest Ant-Nimagus form, putting Them! to shame, tossing Thanos's minions aside like action figures. Assisting him is the Giant Squid. Hope speeds through the field with Ravenclaw's Katana like a samurai Tinkerbell, sending heads flying. Ava Starr runs through a string of Thanos's minions, ripping out their hearts as she does, making a bloody set of dominoes. She tries doing the same to Thanos, but his Infinity Wand makes it impossible for her to go through his body. Scott has also learned that the "going up Thanos's ass" trick won't work, since it turns out that Titans have no assholes. So he continues to kick ass as a giant ant. Pepper and Tony fight side by side on their badass Iron-brooms with the badass Iron-wands. Groot does his vine-of-death thing. Venom eats bad guys, while in the shape of a sexy woman.   Bucky and Rocket are being closed in by a circle of Thanos's minions. So Bucky lets Rocket remove his metal arm. Bucky fights the foes in front of him with his human fist, wand, and vampire teeth, while Rocket rides the enchanted armor-arm like a broom, steering it towards villains that it strangles, punches, or pokes the eyeballs out of. (Bucky can control his arm even when it isn't attached to him.) Wanda Maximoff flies over (no broom required) to help Steve and Thor. The latter two hold off the blast from the red Infinity Wand, Cap using his shield and Mjolnir, and Thor using Stormbreaker and his other bare hand. Wanda Maximoff hisses at Thanos, "You took everything from me!" and with her bare hands, contains the original gold Infinity Wand with her scarlet magic. She puts all her effort into destroying it, with the image of Vision strong in her mind (har, har). She manages to make Thanos's Mind Stone crack, just a tad, and out of the crack flies the ghost of her lover. Tears well up in Wanda's eyes, but she doesn't let go. The ghosts of Gamora, Natasha and Vision join Wanda, each taking a hold of the wand and crushing as hard as their ghostly hands can manage. Finally, Thanos's Infinity Wand is destroyed in an explosion of light, that knocks everyone in a hundred mile radius to the ground. Inevitable There is one Infininty Wand left now. It is sitting in the middle of the courtyard. Thanos and Tony both make a dive for it. As they struggle over the wand, Thanos sneers, "I will destroy this universe down to the last molecule, and create a new one in its place." "They'll never accept you!" Tony snaps. "They'll never know." Tony's face says it all. After everything he's experienced, that is indeed a loaded phrase for Tony to hear. Thanos throws Tony off, knocking him into the castle wall. "I am inevitable!" he says raising his wand....only to realize he has no wand. Tony, bruised and bloodied, pushes himself up, and holds up the red Infinity Wand. "And I...am...Iron Man." No incantations are required for this killing curse; just pure unstoppable will. Thanos's fat purple jaw drops as his minions crumble to dust around him. The Titan's own will and power being abnormally strong, he resists the Dusting for a few moments of struggle. But then, both Gamoras--the ghost that emerged from the Infinity Wands, and the physical version from the past--leap at their "father" from opposite directions, the latter now wielding the Sword of Slytheirn. Past-Gamora stabs Thanos through the heart, and says just loud enough for him to hear, "For my real parents." Before he dies, Thanos sees himself in a field, facing a young Gamora, the child he orphaned and kidnapped all those years ago. "You love nothing," the green child says locking eyes with him. "And so you have nothing. You are nothing." She, the field, and Thanos's entire universe disintegrate, as the Titan crumbles into a pile of ash. You Promised When the dust settles, there is only one Gamora. The Infinity-Ghost has merged with the past body. She shakily rises to her feet, tears falling down her green face. "Gamora!" Peter Quill, who hasn't had a chance to speak to her yet, tears across the field to her. For a moment, it looks like they're about to kiss. Gamora chokes, "Peter..." and then knees him in the balls. She finishes with a hiss, "You promised!" Clutching his shattered bludgers, Quill retorts in a strained voice, "Hypocrite!" He is referring to the fact that Gamora couldn't sacrifice her sister to keep the Stone from Thanos. Gamora makes an admitting face, helps him up, and now they kiss. ...Mr. Stark? "We won!" Peter Parker shakes a barely conscious Tony, who is slumped against the castle wall. Half of Tony's face is burned, and the blue light from his chest amulet is flickering. "Sir! Can you hear me?" Everyone is crowded around Antonius Stark. It's unbelievable that an ordinary human wizard, with no extra powers, was able to wield the Infinity Wand at all, much less still be even a little bit alive after doing so. Tony's willpower is abnormally strong, even for a Slytherin. There was a reason he had Thanos's "respect." Pepper knows Tony literally will not rest, in any sense of the word, until he knows everyone is safe. "Tony, we're all gonna be fine." Pepper says keeling beside him. "You can rest now." The light goes out. Not our Steve! Tony is rushed to Wakanda. He has been declared "dead," but magical medicine is improving every day. Meanwhile, someone needs to return the remaining Infinity Stones to their proper time periods, to keep the timeline in tact. Since Steve Rogers is the only Avenger bland enough not to draw any attention to himself even if he tried, he is the perfect candidate. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone," Steve says to Bucky. "How can I," Bucky repeats, "You're taking all the stupid with you." Steve strides through the veil into the Spirit Realm, to begin his Time Travel.... ...and he doesn't come back when he's supposed to. "I don't know what happened!" Professor Wolf says in dismay. "He just missed his jump..." Sam notices someone on a nearby bench, and breathes to himself, "Oh, hell no...."

The old wizard sitting on the bench is hunched and wrinkled, and has a long old-wizard beard tied with an American flag styled bow.

“S-Steve?” Sam stammers. “WTF?”

The old wizard smiles. “I decided to try that 'life' thing Tony was always telling me about. So I stayed in my old timeline and got married to the woman of my dreams.” "Peggy?" Sam exclaimed. "She had her own full life after you! She had a husband and kids! I think her husband was a one-legged veteran! You're telling me you stole a one-legged vet's wife and erased their kids, so you could have a woman you kissed once 70 years ago?" "Maybe the one-legged vet wasn't ever her husband." Old-Steve retorts. "Maybe it was me, all along!"

Bucky interjects, “I don’t suppose in all those years you were with Peggy, you found any time to save me from being Hydra’s puppet, or being forced to kill all those people, like Howard and his wife?”

“Erm…" Old-Steve shifts on the bench.

“Speaking of Tony,” Bruce Banner growls, “Were you able to use this opportunity of time travel to bring him, Natasha, Vision, and all our other fallen comrades back?”

“I mustn't alter the timeline, fellas.” Old-Steve replies.

“Hey wait a sec,” Sam says,  “You spent 70 years letting your wife clock into the Order of the SHIELD knowing the whole time she was working for Hydra and not even knowing it?”

“Temporal Prime Directive,” Old-Steve grunts.

Bruce, clenching his green furry fists, asks, “So did you ever bob your niece on your knee? You know, the one you snogged?”

“Adam and Eve were brother and sister.” Steve defends simply.

Bucky exclaims, "You couldn't use this time-travel to save anybody from any of the horrible things you witnessed over 70 years, but you were fine erasing Peggy and Daniel's kids?!"

"See," Old-Steve held up a hand to explain. “When we travel back in time, it makes a new timeline. So you don’t know for a fact that any of those awful implications are even true at all. I might have saved all of you in that other timeline I created, and stopped Bucky from becoming the Winter Soldier, and Tony from becoming an orphan--" "And abandoned me for a better version of me?" Bucky finishes.

Before Steve can reply, Bruce demands, “If it’s another timeline then how’d you get back to this one? That cop out doesn't work at all Steve!”  

A familiar voice interrupts, "Seriously you guys? You really think that thing could ever be me?”

The real Steve Rogers–still the same age as he was when he went to return the stones–enters the field, his face crestfallen. “How could any of you believe that this bastardization with my face is the real Steve Rogers, even for half a second?”

Sam mutters, “Well it wouldn’t be the first time you were wildly out of character….” "WE WERE ALL DRUNK DURING THE CIVIL WAR QUIDDITCH MATCH!" (real) Steve exclaims. "Can't I ever live that down?" The false-Steve says, "No, but you can live with Peggy, in the past. The opportunity is still there, Rogers."   Another familiar, snarkier, voice cuts in: "Hold on, I've got the remote." Tony Stark comes up behind Steve, half his face scarred with burns, and one of his robe sleeves flying emptily. In his remaining hand, his red Iron-wand is pointed at the impostor. "RIDDICULOUS!"

The old-Steve transforms into a younger Steve, dancing around the field wearing only a whipped cream bra and briefs.

Here's What Really Happened “A boggart!” a dazed Bruce realizes, watching the false "Steve" do a slow strip tease. “But it’s usually the moon for me…”

“Mine’s the Winter Soldier,” Bucky muses.

Sam finishes, “And mine’s a copy of the ‘Star Wars’ Christmas Special." "But all three of you were standing so close together," Natasha Romanoff--very much alive--enters behind Tony and Steve, arms folded. "So it had to take a form that would horrify you all at once." Bruce breaks out of his daze, and barrels into Tony and Nat with a giant furry green hug. "Nat! Tony!...how?" "Same as Gamora," Nat says, returning the hug. "I came out when the two Infinity Wands clashed. Steve made one tiny change in the timeline when returning the stones, to bring me a body. I have memories of falling to my death, even feeling my body hit the ground. But I also remember Steve popping out of a portal just before I fell to my death, and watching him have a badass duel with Red Skull. It's like waking up from a dream and not knowing what to believe." Tony pointed at her. "Don't go stealing lines from underrated movies like 'Frequency!'" turning to Bruce he explains, "I guess when I slaughtered Thanos's minions, I accidentally turned my amulet into a horcrux. I'm down one arm, but Shuri was able to pump some new life into my body with some donated vampire blood from Bucky and Carol, and as long as I keep this thing on, I'll mostly stay in one piece. But I can also take it off and turn into Tony the Unfriendly Ghost. It's pretty sweet, in an existentially horrifying way." "Don't lie Tones," Nat elbows him. "You'd never miss a chance to be the epitome of both angst and scientific advancement."

"Then...everyone's back?" Sam asks. "Not everyone," Wanda replies heavily, entering the field. Next to her is Princess Shuri. "The Mind Stone from Tony's Infinity Wand had to be returned to its original time period," Suri begins. "The Mind Stone from ours is destroyed, with the rest of Thanos's Infinity Wand. I tried to save him, I was sure he could live without the stone...." "It was always highly experimental," Wanda finishes. After some grieving, the Order of the Avengers all go out to the Three Broomsticks for a bittersweet dinner and round of drinks.

Epilogue: Tony Stark has finally found the perfect job for him, as the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teachers of Hogwarts. Tony was born for the job, on its two most important grounds: Iron Man is obviously the epitome of "defense against the dark arts;" and since being a D.A.D.A. teacher always means suffering some horrible fate at the end of the semester, this too is Tony's life in a nutshell. No teacher before has been willing to return for another semester, after ending their first one memory-wiped, disintegrated, locked in a chest, or soul-sucked by a Dementor. But for Tony, such things are the story of his life. He always has the summer to recuperate. He also has a new magical red-and-gold armor-arm, so that keeps him pretty entertained. More important though, he has Morgan and Pepper. "I love you 3000." Steve Rogers decides to indeed "try that life thing Tony's always talking about," but without ****ing the timeline. He returns to his home country, and coaches Quadpod (the explosive American version of Quidditch), at Ilvermorny School of Magic.  Either Sam or Bucky will carry on his moniker as Captain America, and his embarrassing portrait in the Gryffindor Quidditch pit will carry on his inspirational speeches and moral lectures. Thor plans to find a proper new home for his people. Joining the Guardians of the Realm, he is on the lookout for any unclaimed mountain range or forest that can be called New Asgard. In the meantime, he has left Valkyrie in his stead, back at their burrow in Hogsmede. Nat is teaching Transfiguration, and Clint, Magical Archery. And "Professor Wolf" is in the dungeons, teaching Potions. Bruce can alternate between any of his three forms at will, and actually tends to teach in his boring, adorkable human form (with only the green tail). After curing Bucky's mind-control, almost saving Vision's life, and curing Everett Ross's near-fatal wounds in hours, Shuri finally has managed to fix Rhodey's legs. He has spent the last month going through the very long list of "asses that need kicking" that he's been accumulating since his accident. Wanda and Bucky are growing close, though Ava might make it a love triangle. Or she might simply be the couple's "little sister." Tony and Shuri are constantly competing to give Bucky a better new arm every month, and Bucky is... (cough)...stockpiling arms. (Dodges tomatoes.) Bucky, Tony and Nebula regularly have magical metal arm-wrestling contests.  Bucky, Tony and Wanda are also all extremely protective of each other, after their guilt complexes regarding one another. Carol Danvers continues to patrol the non-Human societies of the planet, and is now dating Valkyrie. And Peter Parker is preparing for a trip abroad, and graduation. He's scared of adulthood, of no longer being dependent on Aunt May or Mr. Stark, but he will take it in stride. Notes: Willikers! Holy mustache! This was a trip.  To honestly justify each characters' Sorting, I have to stick to their main defining moments in canon. I basically decided to keep the most iconic scenes of "Endgame," while giving it a better plot and climax. And ending. By god, the ending. By god, Steve Rogers. Many people online peg Steve for a Slytherin, and by the last scene of "Endgame," he seems every bit like a Rowling-esque, self-serving Slytherin bastard. I have only two arguments for still sorting him into Gryffindor. (1)  the Sorting Hat never said Slytherins were selfish; just ambitious, cunning, and power-hungry. Steve's selfish actions in "Endgame" could just as easily be the result of a Gryffindor's impulsive stupidity and self importance. (2) Steve can be literally any House you want, because Steve has no consistent character at all. Not in the MCU. For this project, I chose to sort Steve going by the traits the films indented for us to see in him, and used as many mental gymnastics as I could manage to rationalize those traits with his actions in canon. I am nowhere near done with this series. I still have all of the supporting cast of "Black Panther" among other things. In the meantime, see the blog for more MCU characters at Hogwarts.  

Time to Go to Work

One more episode left! So far, i have absolutely adored The Falcon and Winter Soldier. It’s been one hell of a ride and it didn’t take three episode to get going. This thing definitely hot the ground running and i appreciate that. Last episode was A LOT and there are so many threads left untied with a single episode to go so I'm definitely a little sus about the landing but i have faith. Anyway, here’s the sh*t that hit me for this, the penultimate episode of what has turned out to be the MCU’s best show. So far. Loki is looking real right...

He just ran away? Motherf*cker decapitates guy with Cap’s shield and he just runs away from the scene of his murder?? USAgent is an asshole but, like, dude has a code. He’s not a coward. This is straight up character assassination.

I like how Sam has consistently tried to de-escalate sh*t throughout this entire episode count and someone is always just f*cking his whole sh*t up. This is Sam’s actual job. This is what he did before he decided to start Avenging. Counseling and conflict resolution. Dude can talk down actual monsters and yet, ever gets the chance to actual make it count. Sh*t kinda whack, son..

Dope three-way fight though. Feels a lot like that Civil War scrap but, you know, less. Not bad, you really get to see what Sam can do, but just, less. No cap or Iron Man but still pretty powerful. Damn fine scrap.

Hey, Torres! I forgot he was in this. Kind of curious if he’ll get the Falcon mantle eventually. Or, you know, the Vampire/Falcon mutate thing. That s*t is corny but the MCU is pretty great at cleaning up sloppy sh*t like that.

John Walker is an asshole but dude got mad shafted. They effectively ruined this man for doing exactly what he was ordered to do. HE was a soldier. He was THE soldier. They chose him to be cap. Forged him to be a weapon. They made him

Hey, Valentina Allegra de Fontaine! Super deep cut! Looks like she’s working for Ross instead of Fury. Admittedly, i know next to nothing about this chick, never really a huge Nick Fury guy, but i adore that they got Julia Louis-Dreyfus for the part. I love me some Elaine and she’s just generally excellent at anything she decides to take part in.

Zemo, no! We got a whole episode left and the good Brown has been lost to us. I mean, not really, dude is definitely a Thunderbolt later, but I'd be lying if i said Helmut wasn’t the best f*cking thing about this show. Still, dope redemption arc.

That interaction with Isaiah and Sam was an interesting one. Had to be f*cking ridiculous for this dude to endure all of that, simply for being Black and Super-Soldier’d. His story is f*cking awful but it’s the story of being Back in America.

Moral of this story? Don’t trust the f*cking guv’ment.

I’m on a boat, motherf*cker!

Looks like Bucky got his swagger back maybe? I mean, they played that feel good music over the montage so, i guess? Also, this boat is f*cked up, man. Trash the f*cker or sell it for scrap!

Yo, is Sharon REALLY the Power Broker? That is insane levels of character assassination right there. She’s a f*cking Carter, man. Technically Steve Rogers, creepily an almost ex-girlfriend, one hundred percent bad ass, and solidly Lawful aligned. If she’s the Power Broker, i am disappoint.

It’s dope they showed Sam practicing wit the shield. It makes sens that he wouldn’t be able to just, Steve Rogers that sh*t right off the bat. dudes not a Super-Soldier, he’s just a real fit guy. Makes sense he’s got to learn how to properly utilize it.

F*cking Batroc the Leaper, man. Feels a bit disingenuous that he’s going to be Sam’s first big bad but whatever. I mean, technically Karli is but, you know, not really?

What’s in the boooooox?? I already know what’s in the box. It’s just wack we got blue-balled like that. But, on the plus, we’ll actually get to see Falcon-Cap unlike brown suit Wolverine so there’s that.

Alright, Johnny Walker, you've officially lost your sh*t. Full vigilante it is.

This episode was a little longer than the previous few and it definitely feels like it. I think that’s because this is the exposition dump episode. Like, this s the one where everything is explained and you finally get those pay-offs or whatever. I enjoyed what we got in number five. Not a lot of action but a dope watch anyway. Hopefully this thing sticks the landing because the run up has been some of the best Marvel content I've seen since Far From Home. Like, WandaVision was fun but it wasn’t top tier. They kind of botched Agatha. That was a mistake. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier hasn’t botched a thing just yet and i am living for it.