#and i STILL couldnt get all of them im crying
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SEVENTEEN
'God of Music' m/v
#HAPPY SVT DAY!!#sorry for the long post#but i fought for my LIFE to narrow it down to this#and i STILL couldnt get all of them im crying#svt*#mvs*#era: god of music#ultkpopnetwork#maleidolsedit#woranglee#anniehae#dokyelvblr#seventeen#seventeen god of music#god of music#seventeen heaven#svt joshua#svt dk#svt woozi#svt wonwoo#svt jeonghan#svt scoups#svt jun#svt the8#svt mingyu#svt seungkwan#svt dino#svt vernon#svt hoshi
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>:(
#i need to vent a little im sorry pls ignore this if u are bothered by my thoughts#SH tw !!!!!!#this morning i was supposed to have my weekly therapy session but i had to cancel bc my mom got covid and obviously stayed home from work#and i do online therapy and i didnt feel comfortable doing it with my mom around but i really needed to do it tbh#and then my professor replied to my email with all of the things ive been working on since august and didnt say anything about the material#he just asked to call me on the phone tomorrow and i started to spiral…. like Spiral with a capital s#even now thinking about it my stomach sinks bc i have this feeling that his feedback is going to be negative and i just know my#barely existent self esteem is going to break and idk what im gonna do with myself then#this afternoon while i was spiraling all i wanted to do was /hurt/ myself. i kept thinking that i wasnt good enough and i had done a#horrible job.. so bad that he couldnt even tell me by email but needed to do it on the phone and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt get#/that/ thought out of my head and i could only cry#and all of this not even actually knowing what my professors feed back is going to be because this is just all in my head#but i was talking to my school friends and they were like oh its gonna be fine even if he doesnt like it u can still put the project in ur#portfolio hes not even our professor anymore and so on#and i kept saying that i knew that but i just could not handle that sort of feedback and rejection mentally#i was telling them that i knew i would crumble if i got real negative feedback and i was terrified of that and they just couldnt get it and#idk it made me feel really lonely#im a bit calmer now but i feel so depressed#i am really anticipating something that will hurt really bad
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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i might be dumb as rocks lmao
#hdhddjjss you know all the mulling and being really down made it really hard to accept to be around people#MOSTLY bc its a 'ahhhh i shouldnt bother them they have better things to deal with'#but then it went back into isolating again and 😐 sir youre not getting better by doing this#jfjdjd did i ever say? i used to invite my friends to go study together and all early on#but i stopped doing that bc i couldnt handle the idea of people dealing with me#bc of everything that happened + not wanting to have a breakdown in front of people but#oh and also a bunch of classmate drama but thats a different thing#sO it turned into 'oh wait i think people hate me'#girl you isolated YOURSELF what do YOU think is going on#tw vent#vent#anyways.#so friends kept inviting me out to study this week which made me kinda :')#like listen. nothing about being here feels real tbh. its more a dream and im just ready for it to come crashing down#but it sure is nice to still be invited out and kinda reminded people want me around anyways#regardless if i think im not worth their time and all that#i just feel bad if i start crying on the spot if i show up bc i am ! a cry baby#vent in tags#its not really a vent but meh#anyways. assurance goes a long way basically. im very bad at asking for assurance bc i dont think people should bother but#when people do these things its nice#just small gestures and all#am i romanticizing it a bit? i guess but ill just hold onto any belief for some sense of good lmao
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#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation#which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would#i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road#i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed#but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable#as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy#again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos#in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st#started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very#firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me#to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck#me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault#i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when#im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress#dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol#idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but#my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing#but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month#bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get#stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha#unrelated
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#mom says that the reason she didnt comfort me while i was having one of the biggest meltdowns of my life was cus i wouldnt tell her what was#wrong and i clearly was capable#like i hate to tell you but just because im technically capable doesnt mean i can communicate easily#im too upset to be able to communicate my thoughts to you about why im upset#she literally told me that its annoying when i cry and scream without telling her whats wrong#she said and i quote I could ask anyone in the world and all of them would be annoyed by this#she said if i just said Sorry i cant calm down i cant talk right now that would be fine like hello? is that not fucking obvious?#i said wouldnt this (being a more concerning thing) make you more sympathetic and she said no it just makes me more annoyed and this is the#normal response#she said even when normal people are throwing up and retching they can communicate whats wrong#that im just pretending to not be able to talk to her to manipulate her and that im being disrespectful by intentionally getting louder and#more disruptive#my parents are convinced i do things on purpose to guilt trip them all the time and i dont understand it because theyve known me for#my whole life and thats the most out of character thing i could ever possibly do but they wont even consider that im not doing that#i asked her why she didnt believe me when i said i wasnt manipulating her and she said I do believe you! when did i ever say i didnt#i dont understand. shes convinced that every normal person behaves like her#and the worst of it is i know shes trying her best and yet still refuses to acknowledge the fact that#I DONT FUCKING MAKE MYSELF MORE MISERABLE ON PURPOSE!#she doesnt seem to understand that overreaction can be conscious and still unavoidable#like yes its not like if i tried i absolutely couldnt calm down and talk to you#but thats not helpful! i dont WANT to try because i am screaming so hard that mythroat will be sore for an entire day!#because i am upset!#i am too upset to care that i can tecxhnically stop#i just dont understand why its so hard to believe im not manipulating her when im genuinely upset#i dont understand why she looks at me like a loose screw. something annoying but not something worth fixing#its always bad enough to warrant anger and never bad enough to warrant a solution#because im crazy but im fine and im not disabled at all
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#its dumb of me but a few days ago i went with his deadname on google to see if i could see more stuff about his dead#since his friends who were alqo supposed to be my friends did a 'ceremony' together without telling me#even tho i rly wanted to go to be able to grief and to cry it out properly#so since i havent been able to grieve well i did that. search for his deadname. i just wanted to know#and i found out that a page for him was made on the tdor website. there were a ton of details on what was happening#before and after his death#many things i didnt know about. because i was a shit friend and never kept contact. and also because he was secretivz#i feel awful since then. who was i to him. why couldnt i help him. why am i even sorry for myself. he was the one suffering#i keep crying and i cant sleep at night without reading comics until i feel too tired to open my eyes#because otherwise im thinking too much about him. its just too awful. too unjust#i have. weird cravings for alcohol. ive never even drinked much before. im scared of starting to get addicted#but sometimes i wanna get somethibg anything and just drink until i pass out since people say its good to forget#i wish he were still alive. i wish i could hug him and help him. i wish id visited him in the hospital after his 1st mental breakdown#he had sent me a text to tell me he was there but i had work and i was tired and honestly too lazy to go. and now i regret it so bad#its all so unfair. death is so unfair. grief is so unfair. i was afraid i had no heart before because people who died around me didnt#phase me much. i didnt cry. but now that ive experienced the deaths of 2 actually very close people counting one i couldnt grieve forproper#i just wish i had no emotions. that i wouldnt cry when i think of them. but especially him.#and i cant stop thinking about how awful ill be when my parents die. ill be a wreck.#im just crying in my bed and its 4am. everythibg sucks. im so sorry to everyone whos ever met me. im awful#negative /#death m /#suicide m /
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reminded of them trapping me under their full body weight and whispering in my ear, bullying me, calling me pathetic and stupid for even trying to get them off me
#howls#theres hearts in my eyes can u fucking see#when they pulled back a lil so they can shove their cock in me and i pulled my legs forward so i could kick them and oush them further away#im never going to shut up about this im going to be thinking about them raping me like that forever and ever#so polite tho. i asked him to not leave hickeys on my neck and he didnt <3#did leave a bright purple bruise on my fucking ear from biting it though#no hickeys from that night#just bite bruises on my arm ear and chest because hes a fucking animal#and he fucked me like a monster 👍#i need that again holy shit#after he said he was hoping i would pass out when he was choking me 😵💫#and he spit in my fucking eyes so i couldnt see#i wanna scream and cry and beg for him to force himself on me again#need him to get me intoxicated next#only downside was that while i was at work he was threatening me with a knife but never pulled a knife on me while he was over :/#i put on specific underwear that he could cut off me#i wanted him to pull a knife on me to get me to stay still only for him to cut me anyways#ofc he knows this dw. i am the bitch that told him i thought he would do more and that it would be better once we were done 💀#he was like 'was it all that you hoped for?' and i was like ?no#it wasnt bad obviously 👍 but he is not as strong as i expected and neither am i#and i expected there to be more than one round and i expected to actually leave bleeding 🤷♀️#and dw. i did make fun of him for not being able to bruise me without the help of some kind of tool (my fucking necklace lol)#he did not care 👍 but his goofy ass had to make jokes#'i dont like when ppl need tools to be able to hurt me. are you hands not strong enough?' and his follow up was 'but you like me?'#baby ur a toy not a tool xoxo
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as im getting closer & closer to the day that i will officially leave my hometown & go live with my dad i am starting to understand my ocs more
#avani most notably rn. bc shes actually my age and leaves behind everyone and everything she knows#having to grow up the rest of the way in an entirely different situation#because even if the situation youve been in for all your teen years has sucked ass the entire time its still.#its familiar? like. yk. familiar suffering is better than the unknown#personal#ive lived in that house my entire life. ive been with my dad for long stretches of time (all of summer break for instance) and it was fine#i KNOW i cant stay there. my mom's partner has actually physically hurt me and theyre both awful to me#and i also know that the only reason why its been somewhat good there lately is because i rarely speak to them anymore#that is not a house to live in! and i fucking love my dad. my stepsiblings. my stepmom!!#and its not even just the fact that im moving. right. i could probably handle that were it not for me also finishing high school.#i got financial support as a student whos 18+ while i was in high school. now its.#i need to get an income. in a region i barely know. being both physically & mentally disabled.#but not so disabled that im *incapable* of work!! which the law here asks for!!#(or i am and i just dont realize it because ive been working past my limits for so long ive forgotten what they are el em ay oh)#also ill miss my cat so fucking much#i love my dad's cats but shes special man#i miss her rn actually but im going back for the last time in a few days so#i was like. tearing up bc of the anxiety but then i remembered my cat and now im actively trying not to cry loudly#bc its. yk. almost 6 am and its almost waking up time for everyone here except me because. my school ended last month#its bedtime for me actually but i couldnt sleep because i was too busy crying over the fact that i am never going to get that room back#i miss being a child#at least back then it wasnt that complicated! i didnt know i was being mistreated when i was 11!#all of this doesnt even matter that much im just really bad with transitions. which is ironic. im transgender#though granted ive put off getting on that list for that exact reason. im scared of transitioning#like the moment im comfortably settled here and have a job and/or disability benefits. all of this will just be embarrassing#something to look back on and laugh. and then cry because i still miss my cat.
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This is my nannys cat, Olly
He likes to play alot, has since he was a weenie kitten, yesterday I decided to play with him and as usual to how cats play, he bites.
So that's how I found out he has no teeth.
#hes a handsome lad but omg you guys he had teeth once and his bites hurt but now hes like yeah no more teeths#his bites now feel so weird#my nanny saw him bite me and was like oh hes gumming you and i was like???? wheres his teeth gone#my uncle walks in and is like yeah they fell out#like to be fair he is like 10 or something#fellas pretty old#he can still eat dw. infact he has like a few teeth left but its just the front ones that are gone#he doesnt have gum pain as far as im aware#lol cats#cute cats#old cat#fun fact his mum was a pregnant stray my nanny and grampy fed and she whike in labour ended up crying outside their house to be let in#and then she gave birth in their house and only had one kitten (him) and ended up living with them for the rest of her life#my nan and gramp thought it would be cruel to let her back out considering how old she was#theyve done that a few times#like a cat brought her newborn kittens to their house and lived with them til she passed#they kept her 2 kittens. they are called betty and tabby#there was other kittens but they couldnt keep all of them and by the time betty and tabby were 10 weeks old they thought it would be#cruel to separate them. yeah they get attached to animals easily
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Buddy Daddies episode 12 WAS SO GOOD WTF IM SOBBING I CANT EVEN WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL FAMILY. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!
Spoilers (and my unhinged thoughts) in the tags just fyi
#i loved the action of the full-on assault on the mansion#and like yess get Ogino's bitch ass#that whole fight in the mansion was pretty gayyy no lie#rei in his suit with his hair down was HOTT like wtf#that xmas photo of them all just makes me wanna cry it's so adorable#poor Miri when they told her her mama wasnt gonna be able to make it to the concert like my heart#wish rei's dad would've got taken out but i kinda get why rei did what he did#as in the long run that was prob better for getting the organization off their backs fully#since simultaneously proved he was serious about leaving and that he couldnt be an assassin anymore#tho he looks like he can still use his arm pretty well in the future tho#and im sorry DID REI TELL HIS DAD HE WAS SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED AS KAZUKI AND MIRI LIKE OMG WHAT A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGICAL POWER MOVE#he really was like FUCK YOU DAD Kazuki and Miri and I are a real family#i started bawling when they showed Miri older like the fact that they all got to grow up together and be a family im so happy#but also like a lil sad bc does that mean there is no hope for a season 2? Like pls i need to know what happened between the times#i wanna see her growing up and them two managing to make a real family#ahhhh i love how kyu is still clearly a part of their lives by the photos#i wholeheartedly believe kazuki getting drinks with a woman was him drinking with Carol & Dorothy while complaining (in a loving way)#about how Rei can only make french toast loll and just like Dorothy listening with this completely knowing look on her face#and the photos of Karin from France like she looks so happy!#@kazuki's goatee whyyyy lolll#FUCK I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS SHOW AND LOVE THEM SO MUCH#buddy daddies#buddy daddies spoilers#buddy daddies episode 12#daughter daddies#i want to scream into the void about how happy i am they all got to be a family together#idk what to do with myself now like the past few weeks have been so wrapped up in this show idk who i am anymore#fuck pls i NEED A SEASON 2#OR LIKE A MOVIE
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:c
#original entry#im going to vent about art stuff#so feel free to skip this#so im frustrated bc drawing has been so hard for me this past year and if yall couldnt tell im not really making any art definitely not post#ing it. im aware its one of those things thatll only get worse the less i do it bc PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT#but my life this past year has been all over the place and so i havent had time and really no motivation#however i have a few commissions from december i still havent finished#and i feel HORRIBLE that its taken me so long#but some of these pieces. one in particular i have to pretty much redraw every time i come back to it bc its just giving me so many problems#(this isnt the fault of the commissioner lemme just go ahead and say that now)#i WANT to work on it and i work on it for hours but theres no progress bc ive just erased and redrawn things that whole time but something#STILL always looks off and it makes me so frustrated and i want to cry#and so im frustrated but i feel so guilty bc its been such a long time and so often when i do come back to it i just wanna give up and refun#d them. bc it isnt enjoyable anymore#it isnt enjoyable and given how much time ive already spent struggling its really not worth the money. especially bc my comms were half pric#e when i got all these comms (which is WHY i got all these comms)#so i feel like i devalued my self a little and i definitely spread myself way too thin bc i got like 6 commissions in one night or smth like#that. but i feel so guilty giving up!! this persons been WAITING for this!!!#idk yall i didnt want to cry so i stopped working on it but im SO frustrated and dont know what to do
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today sucked but its Over <3
#i am horizontal in bed.#my back still hurts but my clothes are clean#tomorrow i'll run the errand i put off today#maybe i'll do them both#i have 3 i want to get done before gf weekend but at least one of them i want to do fully alone#n the other i need to either get a ride or take the bus#n the 3rd is a 30 min walk holding a large jacket#only 2 of those Really need to get done before gf weekend tho#im still in an awful mood but i managed not to cry abt it and im going to bed just to get the day over with really#theres no reason to keep being awake#i was supposed to call my friend today but felt too shitty n they didnt mention it so#im exhausted#im looking forward to having 5 days where i dont have to work#and am not expected to make plans with a million people all week#i am so drained#nothing bad even happened today i just am not having a good time#i miss my gf i hate tasks#im rereading spit baby au tho bc i couldnt think of anything to rotate that wasnt making me sad#speaking
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vent, suicide ment in tags. I'm safe rn I'm just in a bad mental place rn because of a conversation with my parents.
#im crying so hard i feel like i cant breathe#i hate my fucking parents#theyve fucking ruined me and have the gall to say they love me no matter what#and that theyve always been proud of me#what a fucking lie#youve made me feel like a worthless piece of shit and an embarrasment my whole FUCKING LIFE#you made me want to kill myself SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID#fuck you!!!!! just because you went through worse as a child doesnt mean you get to tell me im overemotional and dramatic#and that i just need to leave it in the past#YOU MADE ME LIVE THROUGH PURW FUCKING HELL FOR 18 FUCKING YEARSSSS#you made me feel like i deserved to die because i was a waste of time and space#I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED WHAT I HAVE NOT VECAUSE YOU DID A GREAT JOB AS PARENTS#BUT BECAUSE I HAVE SCRAPED AND CLAWRD AND DONE EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO SURVIVE AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM YOU#i wanna puke. they really believe themselves when they say i 'never tried' and always put in the 'bare minimum'#while i was so depressed and anxious i couldnt eat or sleep#and attempted suicide every month or so for 7 YE A R S#i STILL want to fucking kill myself!!!!!!! every day i think about taking all the pills in my medicine cabinet and washing it down w booze#i cant own a gun because i know ill probably blow my brains out#and they just dont believe me. nobody fucking believes me when i tell them how much fucking pain and anguish im in.#they tell me they should have beaten me more as a child!!!! that maybe then i wouldve fucking acted right#i wish my dad would have just fucking killed me back then just so theyd have to fucking deal with the consequences and i could finally rest#i remember seeing the nails jutting through the wall he slammed me into and being disappointed they didnt go right through my fucking head#all the horrible fucking things they have said and done to me#i wish i could make them feel even a fractuon of my fucking pain and suffering and self self hatred#you all have no fucking clue how deep the fucking trauma goes. the things ive heard and seen and been through#the things ive done to myself#i remember one of the happiest moments of my whole life- i had just taken every pill in the house i could stand. i washed it down with soda#and i remember smiling so wide. the pain was finally gonna be over! i was finally gonna be able to escape and rest#i was so happy nd excited and relieved. my parents wouldnt terrorize me anymore. its not like i was ever going to be anything but a failure
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So weirdly enough I'm sick of being treated like shit
#had a bad fucking day today#i was awake until 5am because i couldnt sleep because i wa so angry at my parents#because my parents have still been misgendering and deadnaming me#its been seven years and i thought they were finally getting better#i woke up and didnt have enough sleep and i had to go to work#but i was determined to try to make the day a littke bette so i got an iced coffee and some candy before work#work is where it all fucking went downhill#because my day actually was getting better after the coffee and candy. i was actively trying to stay positive and have a good shift#i planned a painting i want to do. and my boss said i could go home early cuz i stayed late yesterday#now i gotta explain my job a little. im a concierge at an axe throwing place. so when someone wants to throw an axe i pick a coach#i tell the coach 'you have a group of three' or whatever and get them to take their group back#most of the time the concierges are fairly respected. we tell the coaches when to take groups and when to dismiss them. its fine#but today there was only one coach for the first part of my shift and he was miserable. it wasnt even that busy#but everything i told him was met with a fight or an eye roll. even small things like 'hey your group has ten minutes left'#and he got into our woek geoup chat and was bitching about how people dont do their jobs. which was funny because#he was texting instead of doing his job#i told him he had a group. he went to the back. the group waited for ten minutes. i went to the back because i could see him in the chat#i was sick of his shit and told him to stop texting and take his group. he said no he had shit to say#i told him he was bitching about others not doing their job when he wasnt doing his. he threatened to walk out#it went on like that and finally he told me to fucking leave. and when i get angry i cry. and i was not about to let him see me cry#so i left and just waited until another coach showed up. but i did tear up when i got bscj to the front which the bartender probs saw#im still just so fucking angry and frustrated. trying to have a nice day and do my job and this asshole is bitching but refusing to do his#and im trying to make the day better. i ordered some taco bell. i went home early. i watched a funny show#but i just broke down and i cant stop crying because im so angry and sick of people treating me however they fucking want to#im just so fucking tired
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..
#i have a question to ask and i dont know if i should do it and i dont wanna bother u guys with my problems all the time but i dont know#where else to turn…#im not currently in the position to be able to get a therapist so for now im just gonna leave this question here in the tags and if anyone#feels like answering it pls do#also big SH trigger warning#does anyone know or have any advice on how to stop the thoughts of sh?#not even the act necessarily but the thoughts..? it feels like a flood in my mind like they keep coming and take up all the space in my#brain and it so debilitating and it makes me want to sit in a corner and cry.. as well as listening to them which is a problem still because#i usually have decent self control but lately i dont really know anymore#but the thoughts are so overwhelming and suffocating i feels like i physically cant breathe anymore#and sometimes im in social settings like yesterday i was with my friends and it just came over me and it felt like a sort of panic attack#and it was so loud that i couldnt think straight and my eyes literally couldnt focus like my vision just wasnt working and i could hardly#breathe and the thoughts and flashes of it kept playing over and over in my head and i felt like i was losing my mind#and even now my brain feels as if it was just set on that channel and i just cant get it out of my mind and its exhausting#does anyone have any advice on how to clear my mind from all of this?#ugh
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