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reading this book “women who love too much” has already really helped me and made me see the ways i’ve put myself thru shit that’s been super self sacrificing and fr just negligent towards myself. and w the whole anthony shit i still find my ego/insecurity trying to blame myself for us not talking anymore. like “maybe if i just rode it out more we would still be talking” or like “maybe if i had asked for less we would still be together” (not like TOGETHER TOGETHER bc we were never dating....but u kno). and i have to remind myself that i truly was not asking for anything out of the ordinary. like rereading the message i sent him from my notes , i was not asking for anything extra. i was simply asking for common courtesy/decency. but bc of this book i’ve realized how much i’ve tried to make myself smaller and been self sacrificing just to feel “loved”. like in some ways i did learn in a healthy way to not ask for too much too quickly, but i also see now that part of that was me getting better (in a bad way) at asking for less just to be “easier to handle”. and i don’t wanna do that anymore. i deserve so much and even tho there’s that voice in my head that tries to tell me that’s not the case i know i do. i know that there is someone out there that will give me anything i ask for......without me even asking for it? they’ll just WANT TO give that to me. i was talking to vanessa yesterday and i found myself STILL making excuses for anthony for whatever reason? like “oh he’s been thru so much blah blah blah”. but .....so have i? and i’ve been able to open my heart up to others. too much tho fr , like i wouldn’t say i’m the best example, but even still i can share myself more than a lot of the guys that have hurt me. i always make excuses for guys like that. maybe because it’s easier to do that than admit that they prolly just didn’t care abt me lol. like w chad, even still when talking to vanessa i found myself repeating that same “bUt Im SuRe He DoEs CaRe AbT mE hE jUsT dIdNt KnOw HoW tO sHoW iT” bullshit, but fr in reality he most likely didn’t??? i think it’s the same pattern of guys liking how i show affection and give my time and my attention to them, but not actually ME. and while it’s their fault for using me for that, at the end of the day it’s on me for giving myself so selflessly without asking for any proof of sincerity beforehand. like i would completely give myself to someone if i liked them. and more often than not, i would like anyone i talked to enough to do that. it’s never been abt if i REALLY like them, jus “do they like me”.. to prove to myself that i’m worth “it”. i don’t quite know what the “it” is, but i’ve put myself thru so much and been thru the same patterns. it’s not that i haven’t learned these lessons, it’s that my trauma bonds and shit run so deeply i haven’t fully understood them, therefore i’ve been acting out of knee jerk reactions and subconscious motives than out of genuine emotion. i find one guy to obsess over, and we’re “SO GREAT”, and then he inevitably pulls away and we stop talking n then it’s onto the next person i can pour myself ENDLESSLY into. it sucks to admit and i still don’t fully understand it, but apparently toxic men can smell that shit from a mile away which is why i’ve been attracting the same. fucking. types. of . guys.

and fr that’s why me and pablo broke up. bc i wanted him to change and he did not want to change. i don’t even think he actually broke up w me “to be w his other gf” like i thought before. i think it was more abt me trying to help him in an overbearing way and he didn’t want my help he wanted me to keep enabling him. and then i assume bc hes a deeply lonely person, he ended up getting too lonely for him to handle and wanted the type of person he knew would enable his alcoholism (mixed w his low self esteem , aka why he would go back to someone that fucked all his friends bc that’s prolky the only love he really feels like he deserves) n that person jus wasn’t me. which all in all is a very good thing. bc we shouldn’t be together. hurts to say this, but same w me and anthony. me and him shouldn’t be together either. bc i was telling myself “oh maybe if i could help him and he get over his drug addiction we would have a great relationship”. and tbh i still think that’s the case, HOWEVER, he is not that fantasy person i wanted to see. he’s a self deprecating, drug addict w low self esteem and i wanted to “fix” him. bc fr if he was the fantasy guy i saw, i prolly wouldn’t even have been attracted to him like i was. which is most likely why i felt like things were “boring” w morgan. or like i wasn’t thT attracted to her.....bc she is a self sufficient, loving, mature woman and, w my childhood trauma , that isn’t as attractive to me. bc i couldn’t “fix” her since she was already solid and mature. obvi not perfect. but she was trying really hard w me. and i think that healthy shit jus rlly scared me. i was being self sabotaging, and even tho PART of it was me not being over pablo, i think i said that was the reason a whole lot more than it was in reality. i miss anthony tbh but i don’t think i do the way i think i do. bc there’s no genuine allure fr. he’s cute and intelligent ........but that’s abt it if we’re being honest?? dick game NOT that good, drug addict, doesn’t fr care abt me, and overall just immature in every way. i think it’s my ego/self sabotaging side that misses him bc even me missing him feels strong , it feels cheap.

also, i need to let go of this bullshit hope that one day these lil boys will regret how they treated me (and the lowkey desire that they’ll run back to me crying abt how they treated me) bc it’s not healthy fr. the reality is, they are low vibration/egotistical ppl and they’re just self centered. they’ll prolly never realize completely bc they’ll just rationalize the way they treated me (and other girls i’m sure lol). like that “but she was bein crazy” bullshit. and even if they DID realize it, they most likely would not come back to me apologizing bc that would take a whole lot of (1) reflecting and (2) taking responsibility. which fr, none of the men i’ve messed w are capable of lol.

and even tho i’m realizing a lot of the err of my ways, i know that i am not where i need to be regardless. like in the book , this woman was describing her experience w this guy named gary and she basically said that even tho she knows this pattern and is aware of it, she can’t start dating again bc she knows that if she did she’d “jus go out and find another ‘Gary’”. and i think that’s very true for me too. she also said she was doing what she’d never done before and making HERSELF a project instead of another guy . i need to jus sit w my uncomfortable loneliness while i work on myself and give my energy to myself .