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screpa · 1 year

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Levi was fine

Summary: You finally told Levi and Hange of your new relationship with Bertolt. Levi knew that you were more than just a dear friend to him. But he was fine with you being with someone else. Was he?

Notes: (1) This piece was difficult for me to write (T^T) I almost cried a couple of times, as I put myself in Levi’s shoes. I’ve experienced enough heartbreak to know the pain of losing the person I love to someone else. I didn’t want to put my beloved Levi in this situation, but that’s how life is. At times, we have to let go of someone we love and wish them happiness. But, as in Levi’s case, sometimes love needs a detour before arriving to its final destination ^^ (2) Maybe listen to Michael Jackson’s ’She’s out of my life’ when reading this if you want to elevate the gut-wrenching effect. (I guess now you know how I old I am considering the song choice ha-ha-ha. I know classics, okay, I may be old but not THAT old :-D)

Tags: SFW, sad, heartbreaking, lost love, gloomy

Read it here or on AO3, up to you ^^

You don’t really know why you kept postponing to tell your best friends, Levi and Hange, about your new relationship with Bertolt.

You knew it wasn’t because they’d judge you.

You were sure that they wouldn’t see the age and rank gap between you and Bert as problematic. Age was just a number and Bertolt was already the legal age to be intimate with you. As for rank, they knew you were too kind to take advantage of other people. It’d be more likely for Bert to take advantage of your naïveté, but you knew for sure both of them would have your back in the slim chance that would happen.

But you felt they wouldn’t be ecstatic with the news anyway.

Hange may be upset with the news. Your friendship with them couldn’t be considered as purely platonic. You enjoyed hugging, cuddling and giving them light peck kisses, which were normal between close friends.

They were your source of comfort, like a warm fluffy blanket in cold autumn nights.

That slightly changed during one of your pillow talks. Both of you almost crossed the line and realized of the mutual love you had for each other. With the line uncrossed, you maintained a close friendship, although sometimes you were both bothered and gutted by the missed opportunity toward happiness together.

So, you were dispirited by the fact that you were going to break their heart.

As for Levi…

You didn’t really know why you thought he’d be upset with the news. For all you knew, you had a one-sided love toward him. He only saw you as his dear friend and a soldier under his care.

Maybe he’d be upset because he didn’t like change. Maybe he didn’t want you to divert your time for training or for helping him with paperwork to spend time with Bertolt. Or, maybe he just didn’t want to share one of the few people he trusted to someone else.

Whatever it was, you knew he’d be bitter about it.

You decided to just tell them the news quickly like taking off a bandaid. Just blurt it out then leave. Everything would be back to normal the next day. You were sure of it.

Tonight was the perfect opportunity. The three of you were hanging out at Levi’s office to discuss about Hange’s plan to capture a few titans for research. Erwin was still unmoving with the idea, so Hange was trying to get stubborn Levi on their side.

But you didn’t get to tell them because of their petty disagreements. They both had good points but they couldn’t meet in the middle. The argument was so heated that you had to be the middle woman to prevent them from saying things they’d regret later on.

After an hour of their bickering, you were too emotionally drained to say anything to them.

Noticing your dispirited body slumped on the sofa, Hange softened and decided to throw in the towel for the time being. The discussion could continue another day, they thought.

‘Hey, Y/N, tomorrow’s our day off. How about the three of us have tea and sweets together in town in the afternoon? Just to relax for a bit. How about that?’ Hange asked you cheerfully.

At the mention of tea, Levi’s ears perked up and his mood was lifted. He nodded while maintaining his signature stoic expression.

This was the chance you had been waiting for!

With true regret in your voice you told them, ‘That’d be nice, but I have a date tomorrow’.

Both of them stared at you. Levi with his unchanged stoic expression, Hange with clear surprise on their face.

After a minute of silence had passed, Hange asked you in a whisper, ‘A date? With who?’

You took a deep breath and said, ‘Bertolt. We’re together now’.

‘To– together? I thought it was just a date?’ Hange asked in disbelief. You could hear their voice starting to shake.

Tears started to fill your eyes as you realized that their heart was breaking because of you. You had to end this conversation. There was no need to drag it out, knowing that there’d only be more pain.

‘We’ve been together for a while now. So sorry that I didn’t tell both of you earlier. I wanted to, but, just, didn’t know how’.

‘So… It’s serious?’ Hange sounded so miserable.

You felt tears spilling out of your eyes.

‘Yes. I love him’.

You cried not because you felt it was wrong to love Bertolt, yet it was still painful for you to tell them the truth.

Hange looked up to the ceiling, trying to keep their tears from spilling down.

After a while, they took in a deep breath and exhaled long and slow. They turned their face to you, showing you their warm, supportive smile.

They told you cheerfully, ‘I’m happy for you and Bertolt! I genuinely wish you and him nothing but happiness. Let’s have a drink tomorrow night to celebrate, okay? I know where Mobilt kept his homemade rice wine’.

You smiled at them, grateful of their support. ‘I’d love that,’ you sincerely told them.

Then you turned your gaze to Levi. He still had the same stoic expression.

After a minute or two of him staring at you in silence, you stood up to take your leave. You accepted that he wouldn’t say anything. He wasn’t too big with congratulations, so there was no point waiting.

‘We’ll have the tea and sweets next time okay? Don’t have too much fun without me you two’. You tried to sound cheerful although you knew that you sounded so superficial.

Hange wished you good night and you quickly went out of the room.

You ran toward your dorm room.

You knew you’d spend the night crying for your two lost loves.

—

When Y/N closed the door behind her, Levi heard the sound of her running footsteps. The sound echoed in his head. Tap. Tap. Tap. There was nothing in his head other than the gradually fading sound of her footst–

SMACK!

A hard slap on the back of his head jolted him away from his melancholic thoughts.

He rubbed the back of his head and turned his face toward the perpetrator.

He was going to yell at them, but he saw Hange’s angry, tear stained face and kept his silence.

Suddenly Hange kicked the coffee table in front of them so hard that it flipped. They then stood and went toward his office table. They flung everything that was on top of the table across the room. They then let out a long angry growl.

Levi just stared, not knowing how to comfort his friend.

Hange spoke between clenched teeth without looking at him, ‘Remember this. The emptiness you're feeling right now. It was NOT acceptance. It was utter regret’.

Levi could taste the venom from the Hange’s ‘utter regret’.

With that, Hange left him.

He stood up to put the coffee table in its place. The part that Hange kicked was now dented with wood splinters covering the chipped part. He had to wipe and fix that later, he thought. Maybe sand it a bit to get all the splinters out. Wouldn’t want anyone to get an annoying splinter stuck on their clothes or, worse, on their skin.

He went to pick up all of the papers, books and pencils on the floor and placed them tidily on the table. He had to rearrange the papers, he thought. If he delayed it for tomorrow, some important papers could slip somewhere. He had to do it before bed tonight.

But first, he had to clean up the shattered ink bottle. It’d take a while to lift the stain from the floor. That one couldn’t wait. He wouldn’t want an ugly stain on the floor. Better get going to get the cleaning equipment…

It was way past midnight when his office was as neat as before Hange’s outburst. He sat on his office chair and looked out the window. He stared at the darkness outside.

Now he had to confront his thoughts and feelings, which were muted when he was busy tidying up.

Utter regret. Was that what he was feeling at the moment?

What was Y/N to him?

She was a dear friend, indeed. Ever since she gave him the portraits of Isabel and Furlan, Levi had accepted her as his friend, just as he had accepted Erwin and Hange. His friendship with the three of them were built on the solid foundation of trust and compassion.

But he noticed that there was something different, something more with Y/N, compared to his friendship with Erwin and Hange.

He was somehow drawn to her. Levi appreciated her beauty, but that wasn’t the reason he always discreetly searched for her whenever he entered a room. There were a lot of beautiful women and men in the Regiment, but none was half as charming as Y/N.

Maybe the fact that she knew how to act around him helped. She was never intimidated by him or expected him to act like other people. She let him take his own pace in the relationship while she stayed true to her kind and caring nature.

Oh, she could annoy the heck out of him with her lax attitude toward training and sloppiness during expeditions. Not to mention her vulgarity and foolishness whenever she was with Hange. She could also be rude and mocking toward him. She knew just the right ways to irk him.

But he enjoyed being annoyed at her as it meant he had her by his side.

Even during the most irritating moments, Y/N always soothed him.

He couldn’t remember when he started to place himself beside her whenever they were in the same room. It wasn’t easy since she was friendly with a lot of people in the Regiment. Sometimes he found himself sulking when she was surrounded by people. He couldn’t insert himself in between the others without accidentally touching them. Then he had to settle with gazing at her and listening to her sing-song voice from afar.

He didn’t know what she meant to him until Erwin put it to him straight and simple.

It was after a morning meeting with the Captains and Scout Leaders. Levi was watching Y/N going out of the meeting room with the others.

Erwin, who was still sitting beside him, whispered, 'Stop gazing and tell her’.

He turned to Erwin and saw that he was also looking at Y/N.

‘Tell her what?’

‘That you love her’.

Ah, that was what it was.

Love.

But he never got around to say it. He didn’t know how. The three words were always at the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t make them escape from his mouth.

So, he decided to show his love through his actions. Believing, to his undoing, that she’d feel it. He kept her close by spending as much time with her as possible. He made her think that he needed her help with paperwork when he could do them quicker himself.

He trained her hard to ensure that she could fend for herself. Even though he could feel the hate in her eyes during every training. He thought, it’d be better for her to hate him for a while rather than having her injured or, worse, killed.

He thought that their relationship was solid. In his mind, they were already a partner, set for life.

Levi buried his head in his hands. You’re such an idiot, he screamed to himself, you lost her because you could't utter those three simple words.

He heard her running footsteps again. Tap. Tap. Tap. Away, and away she went. To a place he was no longer allowed to follow…

Nothing seemed to change between them the morning after. Y/N was already at the mess hall, at her usual spot. She was talking animatedly with Hange on her side. She greeted him like she always did. Hange threw a cold stare at him then quickly changed to their normal, goofy self.

Levi took some food and sat across Y/N and Hange as he normally did. He’d eat while listening to whatever weird discussion Y/N and Hange were having. He’d winced at their vulgar comments and grunted when they asked for his opinion.

Things didn’t have to change just because she belonged to someone else, he thought.

Y/N excused herself to get to her squad.

Levi then realized something trivial, but could’ve been a clear sign if only he noticed it sooner.

Y/N always left her breakfast milk carton unopened.

If there was something she didn’t like, she’d force him to eat it. You need more nourishment, she’d tell him. But she always kept the milk.

He always gazed at her, so he knew who she gave the milk to.

He sighed, appalled by his stupidity.

Y/N was kind and caring, but even she wouldn’t go out of her way for someone like that.

Like himself, it was the little things that mattered, that separated the special person from the rest of the crowd.

He saw Y/N gave the milk to Bertolt. It was just like any other mornings. She’d cheerfully give the milk cartoon to him and the pine tree would stutter. No. He no longer stuttered. Instead, he looked at her with such tenderness. He didn’t abruptly take it from her like he usually did, but placed his hand on hers. He left his hand there, rubbing his thumb on her skin.

Levi couldn’t watch anymore. He tried to focus on his food.

He didn’t want to watch her walk away, yet he did. Y/N and Bertolt walked side by side, barely touching. But Levi could see clearly the silent intimacy between the two of them.

The following days, weeks and months, Y/N treated him the same way. She was still her kind, rude, foolish, and vulgar self with him. She still helped him with paper work and obediently followed his training. He went back to the routine of discreetly searching for her whenever he entered a room and the deftly positioned himself beside her.

But he’d avoid all of the places where he caught a glimpse of her with Bertolt.

He spent more time monitoring Eren in the abandoned fortress, just so he could be away from the headquarters more.

Yet, he couldn’t be away too long from her, so he arranged a one-on-one training with her once a week. He knew she hated it, but this was the only time he could steal her away from her lover and the others.

He knew it was cowardly of him. But knowing how happy she was with the pine tree, he just had to deny his feelings.

It was enough that she still considered him as her dear friend.

It was enough to have a couple of hours in a week with her.

It was enough to know that she was happy.

As long as she was still alive, nothing else mattered.

Or so he kept telling himself…

This story is part the "Detours to Your Heart" series, comprises of stories of YOUR friendship and slow burn romance with Levi Ackerman. You build many interesting relationships with other AOT characters, such as ambiguous friendship/ romance with Hange Zoe, a whirlwind romance with Bertolt Hoover, sibling-like relationship with Jean Kirstein, and many more!

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coffeewithastraww · 11 months

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I miss you.

I miss you but I know this is for my own good. What would happen if we got back together? That’s what I think I want right? You? Well. My toxic mindset created a wall between us that I built out of jealousy. I built out of anxiety. I built out of not being able to let go. How do you fully trust someone who never opened up to you? Who turned to alcohol every time something didn’t go their way. Just like the man who raised you. You choose the people who you surround yourself with and you choose the ones who bring out your insecurities the most. Is that a me problem? Yes. I worried about having the perfect life for so long I just looked right past the fact that I don’t even know if you were what I wanted. Maybe you were what I needed at that time in my life. Someone to love me right as I was learning to love myself but I lost it along the way. I lost that love for myself because I focus so hard on that insecure anxious mindset that came along with your silence. Am I blaming this on you. Not entirely because that is not fair. But will I take all the blame here? No. Because that isn’t fair either. Growing up and moving on isn’t just about trying to get help with the things holding me back in this life. It’s about giving myself credit where it’s due and owning up to my mistakes and only try to become a better person in the process.

I think I miss the back rubs, the lazy sex, the way you made fun of me all the time, the drinks at the kitchen table, laughing at Bert’s comedy specials together. There was very minimal moments in our relationship where I was completely comfortable with the fact that one day you and I could potentially bring another human in this world or I would have the same last name as you one day because I knew deep down you weren’t comfortable with it and I lost myself trying too hard to hold onto my first relationship. I feel like that is redundant with people who love too hard. I know I’ve heard that in a romantic comedy once or twice. It’s always the same. You meet a guy, you fall in love, he can’t open up, you become too clingy and then you break up.

Looking forward I just want to find someone who loves me so much they would do anything for me. Not someone who rolls their eyes every time I ask them to scratch my back. I want someone who has goals and actively achieves them. Someone who tells me the things I need to work on and honestly wants me to achieve them for my own well being. Someone who wants to go and do fun things with me out in public and doesn’t swear in front of little kids. Someone who holds love in their heart instead of hate and spite. Someone who comes home with flowers for me just because. Someone who will look at me like I’m the only girl in the world.

I remember when that look left your face.

Flowers die you said.

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wefoundloveunderthelight · 3 years

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Love or Duty by GleefullyCaptainSwan - Chapter 7/8

Or on FF

Stacy's Tortured Crew: @teamhook @kmomof4 @stahlop @lfh1226-linda @ilovemesomekillianjones @itsfabianadocarmo @mariakov81 @qualitycoffeethings @zaharadessert @jrob64 @jonesfandomfanatic @natascha-ronin @tiganasummertree @xarandomdreamx @therooksshiningknight @batana54 @superchocovian @onceratheart18 @ultraluckycatnd @snowbellewells @karlyfr13s @the-darkdragonfly @xsajx @deckerstarblanche

Chapter 7: The Gift of Nobility

Emma stared wistfully at the horizon from her place on the balcony. The last week had been a whirlwind affair, they had made the trek from Misthaven to Jonesboro immediately after Prince Liam’s arrival. Regina’s forces were advancing closer to both Kingdom’s, the destruction she was leaving in her wake was causing the villagers to panic. Both King David and King Brennan realized that they needed to act fast if they were going to unite their people against the cause.

Emma looked down at her dress, the white fabric flowing onto the floor as she spun around. It should be the happiest day of her life, her wedding day. The tears slid down her cheek as she thought about giving herself to Prince Liam, knowing that she would forever belong to Killian. The pair had been separated once they arrived at the castle in Jonesboro, and Emma was cautious not to be caught alone with the younger brother of her betrothed.

“I found it.” Her mother entered the room with her tiara in her hand. “This will look perfect with your…” She paused, taking in her reddened cheeks and swollen eyes. “Emma, are you quite alright?”

The tears fell quicker down her face as she tried to take a deep breath. “I’m fine. I just…” She sucked in her breath. “I always thought I would be doing this with the man I loved and now…” Sobs escaped her throat as she threw herself down on her bed.

She felt the bed shift behind her, and her mother’s fingers slipped into her hair. “My dear sweet Emma don’t cry. I’m sure you will learn to love Liam, maybe not today, but one day.”

“But he’s out there, the man I love, waiting for me, he’s real.” She said through her tears, knowing how hard it was going to be today to walk out there and marry the brother of the man she loved. “I can feel my heart breaking knowing I can’t be with him.”

“Emma, maybe Liam is that man.”

“The man I love is not Liam Jones.” She said angrily. “My heart belongs only to the man I love.”

“Then you should follow your heart.” Her mother sighed, causing Emma to sit up and stare into her eyes with hope. “Instead of following this thought of yours that Liam could not possibly be the one you love, perhaps you can follow your heart and it will lead you right to him after all.”

Emma groaned and threw herself back onto her bed. If she followed her heart she would walk straight into Killian’s arms! “You do not listen.”

“Oh Emma, you are being childish, it’s time to grow up and become a woman.”

“I am a woman.” She stated angrily. She wanted to shout at her that she was a woman in more ways than her mother realized but she knew it was pointless. She needed to follow her duty, her responsibility and appease her family. She stood from her bed and walked over to the window. “Can we just get this over with?” She said dryly, her mother moving behind her to place the tiara on her head.

“One day, you will look back on this day as the day when your entire world changed. The day you blossomed into a beautiful woman, a wife, and the future Queen of Jonesboro.”

Emma rolled her eyes as she faced away from her mother. “Of course, you are most wise.” She said sweetly. “Thank you mother.” She turned and wrapped her arms around her mother. “I’m sure you need to prepare; I will be alright on my own.”

“Are you sure?”

“I promise.” She smiled, and her mother hesitantly walked away, leaving her alone in her room. One day, she would look back on this as the day hope died and light faded to black. She heard the door open behind her and she exhaled. “I told you I was fine, mother.”

“You look stunning.”

She spun around quickly at the sound of his voice. “Killian, what are you doing here?” She rushed toward him, her hands burying themselves in his hair as she pulled him toward her, their lips crashing together in a heated kiss. When they broke apart, he was staring at her with blue eyes that looked through to her soul, as if he were memorizing every part of her.

“I had to see you one last time before…” He shook his head. “I’ve been trying to be right with this all evening. This duty you must uphold, but Emma you can’t go through with it…”

“Killian, please don’t do this.” She pleaded through tears-stained eyes.

“I cannot bear to witness you joined with my brother, not when you are all I long for. Marry me, Emma, marry me and we can run away together, and I will always, always be by your side.”

“I want nothing more than to marry you.” Her voice shook. “If we were any other people, if this were any other time, I would never leave your side, but we aren’t other people, I can’t turn my back on everyone who needs me. I have to go through with this.”

He stepped away from her, narrowing his eyes. “Then you do not love me.” It was like a dagger to her heart.

“I love you more than anything.” She whispered. “I’m doing this because I love you. Marrying Liam will allow us to defeat Regina, it protects you as much as it does them.”

“Don’t…” He said loudly. “Don’t use that as an excuse. If you loved me, you would stand up for us, as your mother did when she refused to marry my father.” Emma felt as if she had been slapped. “The Emma I know, the one who stabbed through the heart of a bandit to save my life, that Emma is brave. That Emma would choose love, she would choose to find another way to save our kingdoms without sacrificing her soul.”

“That’s not fair. How dare you put this all on me!” She said angrily. “Everything I have done is because I do not have a choice.”

“You always have a choice, love. And apparently, you’ve made yours.” He bowed to her. “I’ll take my leave and my place beside my brother, my future King. All hail Queen Emma.” His eyes did not meet hers as he turned and exited her room.

Emma stared at the wooden door standing between her and the man she loved, the tears falling freely from her eyes. How did he not understand that she had to go through with this? She wiped her face, a new determination overtaking her as she squared her shoulders, straightening her dress and taking a deep breath.

The door opened once more, and her father stepped into the room. “Oh Emma, you look beautiful.”

She smiled at her father, ignoring the pain in her heart. “Thanks, daddy.”

He stepped toward her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I’ve been looking forward to this honor for so long.” He said reverently. “I know this wasn’t what you wanted…perhaps you’ve settled on the idea?”

“Liam is a good man.” She said softly. “There are worse men I could have been matched with.”

“Can you be happy?”

“I’ll learn to be.” She said with a sad smile.

“It’s time.” A man entered the room announcing the start of the ceremony. Emma took her father’s arm and walked down the large hall toward the ballroom. With each step she got closer and closer to her eventual fate, Killian’s words continued to echo in her ear.

If you loved me, you would stand up for us, as your mother did when she refused to marry my father.

When they turned the corner, her mother was standing waiting for them. Emma paused her steps once they approached her. Her heart was beating out of her chest. She stared at her parents, the way they smiled at each other.

“Mom, why didn’t you marry King Brennan?”

Her mother stared at her in confusion, “What?”

“Your duty was to marry King Brennan and yet you chose daddy. Why?”

“Emma, now is not the time for this, we can reminisce after the wedding.”

“Mom, please.”

Her mother sighed, taking her father’s hand. “I loved your father from the moment I laid eyes on him. I was already promised to Brennan when we met, but I knew that I would never be able to survive a day without your father. I tried to deny my feelings, but he never stopped fighting for me, he never gave up.” She said with a smile.

“I need to speak to Liam.” Emma announced.

“Emma, the wedding has already started, you can’t just stop the ceremony to speak to…”

~*~

Killian paced the room as his brother readied himself for the wedding. After speaking to Emma, his last plea to try and convince her to leave with him failing, he realized that the only thing left for him to do was to support the union and then join the fight against Regina, getting as far away from the castle and Emma as possible.

He watched his brother standing at the window, he was the perfect picture of royalty, he had the build, the height, the posture, Liam was everything that Killian was not. He knew that his brother would be a good King one day, and Killian would follow him anywhere. Being loyal to his brother was never the issue, but was it really fair that Liam could embody perfection, wear the crown, and possess the only thing that Killian had ever truly loved? He could never hate his brother but in this moment he had thought about tossing him off the balcony, but only for a moment.

“You are deep in thought.” His brother’s voice brought him away from his thoughts.

“Aye, it’s a big day brother.”

“Come now little brother, one day you will become a man and take a wife of your own.” He teased. “A woman who will interest you for more than a single dalliance.” His hearty laugh made Killian’s jaw tense in anger.

“As I have told you before, your younger brother is capable of enjoying a woman’s company outside the bedchamber.”

“Come now, Killian, don’t take offense. I am merely teasing.”

Killian exhaled loudly. “What makes you think I have not already found a woman I wished to take for my bride?”

His brother’s brow rose as a smirk grew on his face. “Have you now, do tell? Who is the lucky lass? Is it Matilda from the Boars’ Nest, or perhaps Bertha over by the Rusty Anchor? Come now brother, do not keep me in suspense.”

Killian crossed the room angrily. ��You jest as if you know anything about love. You do not marry for love; you marry because of your duty. You are not about to take a wife, you are merely enlisting a hostage to take as a trophy to sit by your side.”

His brother laughed again, “What’s gotten into you? You are behaving as if you do not understand the situation we find ourselves in.”

“And you are behaving as if the situation has no other alternatives except to thrust a ruse upon our people.”

“This decision is not my choice; it has been willed by better men than me. You would be wise not to question them.”

Killian scoffed. “How bloody horrible for you that your duty leads you to Emma’s bedchamber.”

“What on earth is this about, brother?”

The door to the room swung open and a man entered with a bow. “I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, but Princess Emma has sent for you.”

Killian’s heart pounded in his chest as he stared hopefully at the man, only to have it shatter the moment he watched his brother step forward. “But the wedding is about to begin.”

“Understood, she only stated that she needed to speak to you before the ceremony began.”

“I shall return in a moment.” Liam said with a nod. “We can continue this conversation then.”

Killian turned away from his brother, wondering what had caused Emma to summon him right before the ceremony had begun. Perhaps she had changed her mind and was calling this sham off. He didn’t dare dream of it, yet as he leaned against the stone wall, his eyes pinched closed, his only thoughts were of Emma and a possible future.

~*~

Emma paced the stone steps of the spiral staircase in front of her, she had no idea what she was going to say to Liam, she just needed to speak to him.

“Emma, is something wrong?”

“Liam, I’m so sorry, I needed to see you before…” She closed her eyes. “Before you and I.” She groaned. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

He stepped toward her and took her hands in his. “Relax, Emma. Remember, we are in this together.”

Emma looked up into his eyes, so like his brother. “I’m in love with another man.” The words slipped out of her mouth before she could stop them, a tear forming at the corners of her eye. “I know what everyone wants me to do, but my heart is breaking.”

He exhaled softly, his chin dropping as his eyes stared at the ground. “I am truly sorry, lass. I was not aware you had a previous suitor.”

She laughed lightly. “Fate is cruel.”

“Emma, I know this isn’t easy. It is hard to reconcile the cold responsibility we both bear, especially when you crave the warmth of another. I’m afraid I must confess, I too am in love with another, yet the law of the land forbids our relationship.”

Her mouth dropped. “You have a mistress?”

“I have been in love since I was a young boy, yet she is not of noble blood and thus, it is forbidden for us to be together. Please understand it was not my intention to deceive you and once we are wed, I will not take my mistress into our bed.”

“You’d give up this woman, your heart, to save your people?”

“It is my sworn duty, and yours.”

Emma bowed her head in resignation. He was right. They were born to protect their people, to honor their lands, their King, and their duty. “You are right. I am sorry for speaking out of turn.” She said softly. She felt his hand on her cheek, brushing away her tears.

“I promise you, whatever we are to become, let us at least be friends.”

“I think I can do that.” She said with a sad smile.

~*~

Killian stood at the front of the large hall, anxiously awaiting word from his brother. Secretly hoping that they would burst into the room and declare that the wedding had been cancelled.

He looked around at the people sitting happily in their seats, smiles all around at the happy occasion. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs that the entire affair was for show, a fake excuse to gain their loyalty.

His eyes met Elsa’s and they exchanged a knowing glance, one that told her he was there for her, that he knew her heart was breaking. He only wished he could share with her how much he understood her pain. That his heart was torn apart knowing this his brother was about to destroy his only chance for happiness.

The door opened behind him, and his brother stepped from the room, an apologetic smile on his face as he took his spot next to him.

Call it off, announce that the event is over… he pleaded silently with a clinched jaw.

Harps began to play, a tune for some that was melodic and joyous, but to him the melancholy notes tore his heart asunder. He stood rooted to the ground as the woman he loved entered the hall, the pale see-through material covering her face, concealing the look of sadness behind her eyes that he had seen earlier when they had spoken in her room.

Her eyes did not leave his as she made her way toward his brother, the slow and steady pace that tortured him with each step. When she finally reached them, each breath he took was labored and full of grief as he tried to hide the emotion threatening to overtake him. She glanced sadly in his direction as she was handed off to his brother, taking her place in front of the priest.

“Blessings and merry meet. Gentle lords and ladies, we are here today to join the fair Princess Emma and the Noble Prince Liam together.” He paused and turned toward Emma. “Princess, art thou here this day in pledged troth of thy own free will and choice?”

He watched as she swallowed, staring at the man in front of her. “Yes, Father.” She said as her tiny voice cracked.

“In as much as this Noble Prince and Fair Princess have pledged their troth to be married this day, we call upon Heaven to bless this union. Therefore, if anyone can show just cause, why they may not be joined together, by God's Law, or the Laws of the Realm; let them now speak, or else hereafter keep silent for all time.”

Suddenly the door was flung open as a handful of armed men stormed the room, at the center of the men a menacing woman stepped forward into the crowd.

“Imagine my surprise when I found out there was going to be a wedding between the heirs of Misthaven and Jonesboro and no one invited me.” Regina swirled her hands around her as she stalked toward the couple.

Killian reached for his sword at his side, gripping it in his hand.

“Regina, you are not welcome here.” His father barked as he met her in the middle of the room.

“Brennan, has it really been so long since we last saw each other, I can hardly believe how much Liam has grown.” She winked in Liam’s direction. “And David, your daughter is simply gorgeous.” She walked closer to Emma, grabbing a lock of her hair in her hand and tugging.

“Get away from her.” David growled from his wife’s side.

“Where are my manners?” The woman shrilled, “I came to bring a gift for the happy couple.”

“Try giving us your absence.” His brother responded calmly; his arm wrapped protectively around Emma’s back. Killian turned his attention to the woman in front of him.

“You aren’t welcome here.” He said, stepping toward her.

“Oh, my Brennan, is this scrumptious little treat, the baby? My, my, how much you have grown.” She mewed as she ran her hand against his chest. “Aren’t you just a delicious little morsel.” She squeezed his chin with her finger and Killian jerked away from her.

“Leave Regina.” His mother shouted as she stood from her bench. “Now.” She added, a fire burning in her eyes which brought Regina’s full attention toward her.

“Oh Alice, you must be so proud of your son, plugging his nose in order to drown out the stench of Nolan blood.”

Turning toward Emma’s mother the woman pounced. “Mary, Mary, Mary, the sins of the mother.” She taunted. “Your indiscretion saved you from the fate of becoming a Jones, but you doomed your daughter to that dreaded fate herself.”

“We aren’t afraid of you, Regina.” Emma screamed causing the woman to spin around, advancing on the blonde as Killian held his breath.

“You dare open your mouth to me, Princess?” She seethed, her eyes glaring into Emma’s as Killian took a silent step toward the woman, his hand clinching around the hilt of his sword.

“You said you brought a gift.” King Nolan interrupted, stepping closer to his daughter.

The woman flung her arms theatrically into the air. “Ah yes, how could I forget my present to the happy couple.” She gestured toward her men who scattered around the room, weapons at the ready as they surrounded and separated the King and Queen of both families. Strong arms were suddenly on him, grasping him from behind as he struggled to break free.

Regina stood in front of his father, a grin across her face as she reached out and caressed his cheek.

Turning around she glared at Liam. “I bring you the gift of nobility.” She said with a smirk, “For on this day, you will be King.”

The rest happened in slow motion as he realized the woman’s intent, with a swift jab of his elbow, he scrambled out of the guard’s grasp, rushing toward his mother before the sword plunged into her from behind. Her face crumpled, the blood spreading across her chest before her eyes met his, the light leaving them as she hit the floor.

“No.” He screamed, struggling to get to her in time, feeling his chest constrict with both sadness and an untamed anger as he watched Regina turn and cut down his father where he stood. He fell to his knees, crawling the last few feet until he reached his mother’s side, his parents lifeless bodies lay side by side on the rock floor. They were gone, slain by a Queen most evil.

He took one last look at his mother, brushing his hand lightly against her face before turning a murderous glance toward the object of his anger. “You’ll pay for this.” He growled, climbing to his feet, his weapon held firmly in front of him, biting back tears of anger as he set his sight on his prey.

#love or duty #stacy's fics #killian jones #emma swan #captain swan fics #captain swan au #captain swan

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neeterloveschenford · 3 years

Text

RNM 3x03

Hey y’all! Was last night amazing or what! We finally got Malex!!!!!! We got Echo, Delmanes, and Kybel as well. So many good things happened. Let’s dive right in.

Poor Max. Poor Liz. Why did they use each other’s last names. (Weird) And then we segue right into Ortecho sister’s quality time. I love it when they bicker. They are so realistic when they do.

Broody Michael breaks my heart. And Jones is such an asshole the way he’s working Michael and Isobel. Which brings us right into broody Alex. (I love these two goobers.) I’m not sure whether Eduardo is good or bad, but I sure do like him. Also sassy Alex (Men who stare at goats, LOL) gives me life.

I do love Isobel and Maria sassing each other. I am enjoying the mystery of who gets murdered, but I am now convinced it’s not Michael for sure. And I think all the Sanders clues are red herrings. I still think it’s going to be Rosa. I don’t think she’ll actually die, cause they’ll figure it out before then, but she’s my leading contender. Also, don’t think I didn’t notice Max put up a card with Arturo’s name on it. Get that man off your murder board dude. If Arturo dies, we ALL riot!! And this is just what Michael needs. He truly believes he deserves to die, especially now that he knows who his father is.

Love that Isobel is seeing visions now. I’m hoping that next week when she and Maria take their “journey” that it’ll be her dreamwalking. I always loved that power of hers.

Have I mentioned that Kyle is the MVP of this season? I love his reaction to learning that there is another Max. And as much as he dislikes Max, you can see how much he cares about him. He’s just good through and through. I love him. He’s also totally done with Liz. The way he called her out on all of the things she did last season was fantastic! Max and Liz needed to hear everything he had to tell them.

Jones is so sneaky. I just love to hate him! He is working Isobel so hard. But I think it’s going to backfire. She’s going to embrace her empathic nature and read him like a book. I get the sense that Louise was able to sense the evil in him and that was how they knew that he was the enemy. Perhaps there was even a relationship between Jones and Louise. Maybe he’s even Isobel’s father! (Yeah, farfetched, but I determined to see him be somebody’s daddy!)

Ok, I don’t care what anyone else says, I am digging Delmanes! They are cute together. And I am not upset in the least that Alex ships it too. Look, I know I have had my issues with Maria. I think 2x06 is one of the most toxic episodes of tv out there. But I’m not going to blame Maria on something that was clearly all about Carina. I’m willing to chalk that episode up to a weird fever dream and go from there. She’s interesting this year. And one thing that makes that possible for me is her relationship with Greg. He’s honestly everything that Michael tried and failed to be when they were together. And Alex explicitly said in that episode that he could never hate her. They are best friends and everyone that hates either needs to suck it up or find another show to watch. She ain’t going anywhere. And if she can find her happiness with Greg, then so be it.

BERT!!! It’s been so long! I’ve missed him so much. And what is up with this Jordan? What an ass! Doesn’t he know he’s going to go the way of Racist Hank? I like the way everybody doesn’t know what to do with not racist Wyatt. As long as we dont’ get a romance between Wyatt and Rosa, I’m going to see where it goes. Could be interesting.

Back to my boy Kyle and him calling Liz out for all her nonsense. She needs to hear this! The cost of all of her unethical experiments was too much. I hope between this and her talk with Rosa she will begin to understand that she can’t play God with everyone else’s lives.

I LOVED Alex and Greg. Greg laid some truths on Alex that he definitely needs to hear (Are we sensing a theme in this episode?) Greg’s right. Why didn’t Alex join one of the other branches of the military? Why did he choose the one that his father was in? Alex has to rid himself of Jesse’s voice in his head. When he does, then he’ll finally be in the headspace to have a real relationship with Michael. And whether it’s good or bad, I think Deep Sky is going to be the catalyst for that growth.

And of course Michael is spoiling for a fight. And this Jordan creep is going to be the perfect target for him. (Also, protect Bert at all costs!) And did Max not notice the dudes in the alien masks? Didn’t a group of them attack Maria like one day ago?

Which brings us to my new favorite Malex scene. OMG! It was less than two minutes, but it packed such an emotional impact. Alex laid his own truths on Michael that were harsh but so so true. Michael has always held himself to a different standard than anyone else. Could he have been gentler? I don’t think so. I think it was exactly what Michael needed. And then we get the closest to a present day I love you than we’ve ever gotten. If Michael died, Alex would burn the world down. That’s how much he loves him. After everything that has happened between them. Despite the fact that they don’t know if they will ever truly be together. In spite of the fact that they haven’t been together in two years, Alex still loves him enough to destroy anyone who would dare to hurt Michael. We got feral Michael last season. By God I want feral Alex this season. I think we’ve earned it. (Also, MICHAEL GAVE ALEX A PRETTY ROCK! That could be the most unintentionally romantic thing he’s ever done.)

I also loved the fact that that emotional moment led right into the Liz and Max emotional moment. Max is so willing to let himself die just to protect Liz. And I think Liz is finally starting to see the damage she did to their relationship. It was easy to run off to the west coast and blame Max for everything from afar. But now she’s seeing first hand the damage she’s done.

Which led right into the emotional Kybel moment. (The shipping was strong this episode!) I love how she cares about him taking care of himself. And that is exactly what Kyle needs. Someone who sees him for the hero he is and wants to protect and cherish him. If they don’t happen, then I just don’t know what I’m gonna do. (Besides cry hysterically.)

I’m digging the whole mystery of the machines. Alex’s machine turning on and being amped up by the pretty rock that he got from Michael. And it turning on Kyle’s radio from his father. What things have you been hiding all these years Jim Valenti?

Poor Max doesn’t realize how dangerous Jones really is. It’s no wonder Jones is free now. It’s going to be interesting how everyone figures it out.

It amazed me that there was absolutely zero things that I disliked in this episode. All three episodes have been absolutely fantastic so far. I am just loving everything that has happened. I cannot wait for what’s to come. I just know it’s going to be so much goodness.

As always I have some theories that are percolating in my brain. I will be posting about those later. But until then, hope everyone has a wonderful week! I will see you all this time next week!

#roswell new mexico #roswell new mexico s3 #spoilers #it's only my opinion

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luluwquidprocrow · 3 years

Text

and i’ve written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones

originally posted: august 25th, 2019

word count: 13,060 words

rated: not rated

beatrice/bertrand/lemony

heavy angst, canon compliant, with enough canon divergence that makes the canon compliance worse, epistolary

summary:

and if you don’t love me, let me go.

[a much less than 200 pages break up letter.]

opening notes:

title from the engine driver by the decemberists

By the time you read this

I guess an at least interesting description of us could be like ships passing in the night

I think now is

I think now might be the time for us to

First of all, I have canceled my subscription to the Daily Punctilio, which was just a good move on my part to begin with, and second of all, I couldn’t believe all that anyway, but third of all, do you know, Lemony

You’ll think me such a damn hypocrite, won’t you.

Why now? Why would I

Why would you do this now?

My Heart and I

ENOUGH ! we're tired, my heart and I.

We sit beside the headstone thus,

And wish that name were carved for us.

The moss reprints more tenderly

The hard types of the mason's knife,

As heaven's sweet life renews earth's life

With which we're tired, my heart and I.

II.

You see we're tired, my heart and I.

We dealt with books, we trusted men,

And in our own blood drenched the pen,

As if such colours could not fly.

We walked too straight for fortune's end,

We loved too true to keep a friend ;

At last we're tired, my heart and I.

III.

How tired we feel, my heart and I !

We seem of no use in the world ;

Our fancies hang grey and uncurled

About men's eyes indifferently ;

Our voice which thrilled you so, will let

You sleep; our tears are only wet :

What do we here, my heart and I ?

IV.

So tired, so tired, my heart and I !

It was not thus in that old time

When Ralph sat with me 'neath the lime

To watch the sunset from the sky.

Dear love, you're looking tired,' he said;

I, smiling at him, shook my head :

'Tis now we're tired, my heart and I.

So tired, so tired, my heart and I !

Though now none takes me on his arm

To fold me close and kiss me warm

Till each quick breath end in a sigh

Of happy languor. Now, alone,

We lean upon this graveyard stone,

Uncheered, unkissed, my heart and I.

VI.

Tired out we are, my heart and I.

Suppose the world brought diadems

To tempt us, crusted with loose gems

Of powers and pleasures ? Let it try.

We scarcely care to look at even

A pretty child, or God's blue heaven,

We feel so tired, my heart and I.

VII.

Yet who complains ? My heart and I ?

In this abundant earth no doubt

Is little room for things worn out :

Disdain them, break them, throw them by

And if before the days grew rough

We once were loved, used, — well enough,

I think, we've fared, my heart and I.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning, who knew what she was talking about

My Dearest Darling,

You call me a lot of things but, to be perfectly frank (not Ernest), Lemony, I think I’ve always liked that one the least. There was that summer where, among other things, Bertrand was trying to come up with nicknames for us in that charming way of his, and he came up with a real mess of awful nicknames and then I came up with the list we could Never Repeat In Public (capitals necessary) and then you said something very sweet to both of us, and anyway, we know what happened there, but the point of this is that you held us close and said, very seriously, that you would never ever ever ever ever (for the span of what I’d figure would be maybe two pages, short but evenly-spaced), no matter what happened, call Bertrand ‘Bert’ and that was damn good of you because Bertrand is not a Bert and never will be. We were right to veto Bertie, as well. He is a Bertrand, through and through. The other point was that you wound up calling us nicknames too but dearest darling was maybe the worst of all of them. Bea was my favorite. I liked the way you said it and I liked the way it sounded and I felt noble perfect unstoppable invincible worried fragile good when you said it. And that was good.

Speaking of, right now, Bertrand is with Kit, and don’t worry, they’re not talking about you (I know how you worry). They’re talking about boats and maps and cooking spices and Widdershins will probably come by later to give them both his version of A Stern Talking To (capitals debatable) about open water expeditions, which will probably be something like, ‘Fire this harpoon at anything suspicious! Aye! Shoot first and ask questions later! Aye!’ and it’s a real miracle that man doesn’t have a whole boatload of albatrosses hanging around somewhere. (Unless he does, and I just haven’t seen it.)

Bertrand and I—well, we’ve kept the house up. Even though he has that thing for natural light, you know what I mean. But we’ve managed to decorate it nicely. I got the Gothic Furniture (capitals required), he got his large windows, there is a last unopened root beer bottle in the fridge because every time we look at it both of us think about how you said it’s impolite to take the last one, and I thought, maybe I’d save it for when you came back but I don’t

The last thing I want is to

Bertrand and I, we’re going out to dinner tonight, because we’re still not all that comfortable with the kitchen yet. I mean, why did we get such a fancy kitchen? I’m sure one of these days I’ll come around to it and it’ll be fine but right now it’s, it seems a hassle, I guess. So we’re going out and I’ve already decided that I’m going to order this truly egregious amount of pasta and no one will stop me!

We don’t really have any plans for tomorrow. As it stands right now. We’ve both been sort of taking things as they come lately. Bertrand, Bertrand’s been very busy. Both of us have been busy, but I think he’s been trying to keep his mind occupied. A lot of us have. Even Hector looks more concerned than he usually does. I saw him the other day—not here, in town—and I didn’t think it was possible for Hector to look that harried. So much has been happening lately, I feel like even I haven’t had time to catch my breath, even in this part of the city. It’s like everything’s been going a mile a minute, taking me with it, and the moments where it stops, the moments where I have the time to think, are unbearably, agonizingly slow. But most of my life has been like that, you know.

And I know, I know you are too. Busy. And concerned.

I know.

When you

Did you

The last performance of our play was three days ago. Since the Daily Punctilio doesn’t have a theater section anymore, Bertrand and I haven’t been reading any rave reviews but we were rereading but, what can you do. Geraldine’s moved on to some other column now too, something about, I don’t even know, tax evasion? Shoes? I can never understand a single thing she writes. Even that ‘Secret Organizations You Should Know About’ thing didn’t even pan out, can you believe that? All she did was write about Esmé! All that trouble for

It looks like it’ll be the last play for a while. I know they wanted us to go on longer, but, well, that’s how it has to be. Don’t know what I’m going to do with myself without a script to lug around, but I’ll probably memorize something for kicks. Gilda Farrell’s lines, maybe, that’d be fun.

But it’d be better if you

This is really the first time I’ve had one of those unbearably slow moments in a while, and of course the first thing I think of is you. You and Bertrand have always filled those gaps for me, but now it’s different. It’s just

I saw Jacques the other day and he

Ramona’s the only one who hasn’t been so

I want to see you so much, Lemony. With everything I have, I want you with me, and I keep hoping that if I close my eyes, when I open them again, there you’ll be, alive and well and next to me and real. Or I’ll walk away from my desk and this letter and when I look back it’ll all have been a bad dream, the worst nightmare I keep stopping and hoping and when you’re not there and I’m still here I

I don’t know how to do this. I can’t

I didn’t want to do it like this.

I don’t want you to I’m, burying the lede, or doing any of this on purpose or anything, because by now you’ve definitely noticed how long this is (although, personally, I’m only at the beginning, but I have a feeling this is going to get long—I know I’ve said I could run laps around the city in the time it takes you to finish a single metaphor but between the two of us we both know I could go on for much longer and will), and you have a vague idea, or a concrete idea, or an idea you don’t want to think about, of where I’m going to go with this. If it was something simple it wouldn’t be like this. If I was just, telling you the news, I wouldn’t need so much time, and I need so much of it. I’m setting the stage trying to making sure I wanted to I can’t just

I am a weak woman, Lemony Snicket. And that is a complete lie, you and I know, but I am a weak woman and I don’t want to be but my hands are shaking.

You and I. You and I know so many things.

So why should we

We both know how to make Ramona laugh, and the right amount of sugar for Olivia’s tea, and where Jacques will be on Tuesdays even though he pretends he doesn’t keep a regular schedule, and where Monty has his keys stashed in his garden, and everything possible about Bertrand, including what book he’s reading right now even though you haven’t been home in two months (it’s still that cat book because he says he wants to see the look on your face when he reads it out loud after dinner) (it’s still that cat book), and what kind of records Kit wants for her birthday even though she never has the time to play them, and even what Esmé is going to eat tomorrow because would you believe that herring is still in, to her continued consternation. She can talk all she wants about how good herring is but I still see that look on her face when she eats it! Every meal, Lemony! I’m giggling as we speak and I wish you could see her because it is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my LIFE

Maybe those things are superficial, but they’re things we know about people, about ourselves, and that counts, doesn’t it? And—and I know what you look like when you wake up and I know what you look like when you’re fixing your typewriter and I have to help and I know what you look like when you think I’m not looking at you, and there was a time where that meant you didn’t look like everyone you knew had just died. You know what I look like at my worst, the worst I ever let you see. You knew it anyway. You It was enough.

And Bertrand. I know I’ve said it before but, you and I were so lucky. Lots of good things came from of this, right? The three of us, you and me and Bertrand. Our apartment and that wallpaper we took down in Bertrand’s when he moved out of his, with those horrendous yellow stripes. The cat we pretended to have and the elaborate medical history we made for it so we’d all have an excuse to go home early. (That poor cat, though. I don’t think it would’ve been possible for it to really survive like that. We should be better to our imaginary pets next time in the future.) Watching Bertrand dance to my records, which was terrible because we hadn’t taught him to dance yet. Trying out those new recipes. Keeping the windows open in the summer. The diner down the street, the ice cream shop on the corner, that night it rained and we all stayed outside and got soaking wet because why not? Bertrand making that excessive amount of soup the next day. You telling us we were the only things that mattered. Bertrand would push your hair out of your face when you were sleeping and I wanted to watch that for the rest of my life. I wanted it to be the last thing I ever saw.

Those moments, every moment. Reading in the dark, losing my glasses, you stopped dead the first time we were out with Bertrand and he was under a streetlamp and you both looked so beautiful and you kissed him for the first time and you didn’t even remember to be nervous.

And those million citations Jacques didn’t give us for public indecency during that spring he was disguised as a police officer. (He was definitely kidding when he brought it up. There was no way he could’ve seen us.)

It makes me so happy, to think about all that. I love you and Bertrand so much. I

Oh Lemony. I don’t think I can do any of this.

-------

In other better happier general news, Gustav let Bertrand and me see the pictures from the wedding, and then he archived them, because we agreed that was for the best, and Bertrand figured you’d probably say the same. I look absolutely stunning, and Bertrand looks incredibly handsome even though he finally admitted he agrees with you, that hat was not his style, and you, Lemony, in that white suit that matched Bertrand’s with those peach-colored flowers because peach is a better color than I ever gave it credit for and it looked so good in the spring because it was the color the wall in the living room turned when the afternoon sun hit, you look

It was such a beautiful day. Still spring, and right after Bertrand’s birthday. Us, Kit, Jacques, Ramona, Olivia, Dewey, Hector. Jerome was invited—or he was supposed to be, who knows what happened there. We barely saw Gustav the whole time too, since he kept climbing up into trees for better angles. The smallest place we could find that would hold all of us and be so out of the way. The cake Kit made, against everyone’s expectations. Ramona cried, because of course she did. All those flowers, no one could move the whole time for walking into at least six bees, but no one minded. So much love. It was palpable, and my whole body was alive with it, with such a soft warmth I could barely breathe. I don’t think I ever stopped smiling, not while dancing or singing or kicking my shoes off because such mortal trappings cannot contain me, or when you and Bertrand danced and you cried, or when a crow flew overhead and we all stopped, just for a single second, before every one of us decided not to care. For a few hours one glorious afternoon.

You look happier than I’ve ever seen you before and now I don’t know if I’ll ever see you like that again or forever and I’m sorry, I was right, I can’t do this, I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this

-------

I’ve taken a few deep breaths and I’m ready to

Oh who am I KIDDING

Lemony I love you so much and I need you so much my heart is going to break with it

justice does not need eyes to see,

but truth built himself eyes

in the porcelain patterns of his world

and let them do the talking

in the skies he

so kindly

let them see,

with the eyes he gave them,

one after another

after another

i was something else

but i lived so close beside

that they could not accuse me

of being blind

but i could’ve seen everything

if i could see with every eye,

one after another

after another

after another,

every eye

a certainty,

every eye

the truth,

every eye

mine alone.

You told me when we were younger that I should give rhyming verse a try and, well, Lemony, not everything you said was good advice.

-------

I do, though. I love you a great deal. I think it confuses people. Besides the fact that some of them never understood our relationship with Bertrand (cowards), I get the impression some of our associates don’t know why I love you. Which is just stupid of them, and I don’t owe them anything, none of them are going to read this. It’s not their business why I love you, it’s ours. And I love you because

How can you explain why you love someone? Someone can say ‘they make me laugh’ as much as they want and sure it’s true but is that really why? Can you ever really say why? Isn’t it enough to love somebody, with everything you have? To say, that’s the one I want, for the rest of my life? Who could I possibly need to defend myself to?

I love you because I love you, because I look at you and think I love you, because I inhale and exhale that I love you, because every part of me only feels right with you.

I love you because you embarrassed me but I thought you were kind. I love you because I didn’t ever have to explain anything. I love you because you always came back to me. I love you because you made me happy. I love you because you didn’t let anything stop you from loving me. I love you because you loved me. I love you because when you took my hand I thought I could do anything with that love.

I love you because you were mine. I love you because you looked at me. And I love you because it was more than that, it always was.

I love you because of the records you played. I love you because of the time we taught Bertrand to make root beer floats. I love you because you’d rehearse our lines with us even though you can’t act. I love you because of the way you would stand in the kitchen and wonder what you should make for dinner. I love you because you said you’d plant strawberry bushes in the backyard. I love you because you could never stand Geraldine Julienne. I love you because we would all sit around the table in my apartment and critique the newspaper articles together. I love you because you’d never take the train. I love you because Bertrand and I found every shortcut in the city for you. I love you because you and Bertrand would knit me the ugliest sweaters on purpose. I love you because you would take care of the bats for me and you were terrible at it.

I love you because you were wonderful where it counted. I love you because we’d stay up late and watch movies. I love you because you would hold Bertrand like it was the most important thing in the world. I love you because you would furrow your brow when you read something you didn’t like. I love you because you’d take me to the beach when it was cold. I love you because we went on picnics in the summer. I love you because when I walked into our apartment and then when I walked into our house it always felt like home. I love you because we made up that cat. I love you because you’d sing with me. I love you because Bertrand would take us bird-watching and name the birds with us. I love you because you bought me flowers.

I love you because you told me what happened. I love you because we went back there with you. I love you because I went into the lighthouse. I love you because I wasn’t going to not go. I love you because no one else would’ve gone. I love you because we let you walk out the door there and I knew you would come back.

I love you because we used to make out in the back of the movie theater and we’d take turns with Bertrand and then try to piece together what even happened in the movie when we got home. I love you because you used to sit in dark rooms with me and pretend we were ghosts and scare the other volunteers. I love you because we could just read for hours and not say a word. I love you because you let me cry in the bathroom. I love you because you would make up songs on the accordion when I was upset. I love you because I would whistle along when you did songs I knew. I love you because you would go out of your way to buy crackers. I love you because you would say things like “when we first met, you were pretty, and I was lonely” and you let me laugh. I love you because you would write me notes during class. I love you because you looked the same way I did the first time we saw Bertrand—shocked, and then a little impressed, and then irritated, because who did he think he was? I love you because who did any of us think we were, really. I love you because we grew to not care. I love you because we became people I was proud of.

I love you because you would feed that cat in the back alley on your way home and I would watch you from the window. I love you because that cat followed us to our house and then we had a real live legitimate cat until someone across the street put out better cat food. I love you because of the way you would read out loud, because you couldn’t act but when you read it was like seeing the sunrise for the first time. I love you because the one thing you did that was better than Bertrand was make tea. I love you because you taught me all your cookie recipes. I love you because we got you to sleep in the middle so we could protect you. I love you because they couldn’t take that away from me.

I love you because I’m here in an otherwise empty house, some boxes still unpacked, letting the dust settle, pouring my heart out when I don’t want to, because I do love you with everything I have, every part of me, every bone and every sigh and every drop of blood, and that’s the end of that. That’s all there is, I love you. That’s what it comes down to, I love you. That’s the only thing I want to say, I love you.

I do, I do love you. Lemony, please believe me.

-------

I know Bertrand has his own thoughts, his own opinions. He doesn’t want to admit that he does, but he gets this, look, on his face. Like he doesn’t know what to do with himself, he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, like he’s lost something special but it was there a moment ago, wasn’t it. He thinks I haven’t noticed. After all this time, he thinks he’s not supposed to be here, and you it hurts, is all.

And as much as Bertrand is a part of us, indelibly, forever, just as you are, both of you so a part of me that I ache with it, this letter is between you and me. Not because it was the two of us first. But because you know, for as much as I don’t want to, I’ll say the things Bertrand won’t.

That’s how this has to be.

-------

So.

Olaf’s started talking to me again, which I didn’t think would happen in a million years. Although maybe I shouldn’t call it talking? More like, he sort of shows up if he knows I’m at headquarters (which is far and few between anyway so, really, what the hell?) and lounges in doorways with these big smiles and says these dramatic things at me instead of to me, which he can’t possibly expect me to believe. How stupid does he think I am? Because I’m not. He keeps going, hey Beatrice, have you read the Daily Punctilio? And I don’t say anything to him, even though yes, I’ve read the Daily Punctilio, dammit.

You and I both know what’s in the Daily Punctilio, and for a while I thought, maybe you were writing those articles yourself, part of another fragmentary plot, and that you’d tell me about it later, and you’d explain it to me, even though I wouldn’t need it to be explained, not really. But you didn’t. Not that you didn’t explain, you just, you just didn’t tell me anything. And you were gone and I couldn’t even see you anyway and that was what really made it hard? It wasn’t like I doubted you. I didn’t. I didn’t doubt you. I knew you wouldn’t do any of those things.

But everyone looked at me and they looked so damn pitying, like, oh it happens to the best of us, only he’s not the best of us. Maybe you should’ve seen it coming, well you know what he’s like, as if nothing had ever happened? As if we hadn’t grown up together? As if we wouldn’t have followed you to the ends of the earth because we believed in you? It’s not everyone, but it’s enough. Like some of them don’t owe you their lives.

Bertrand says that people deal with things in different ways, and saying those things about you is probably just another way they’re dealing with everything. Don’t you think it’s harder, it’s gotten harder, as we’ve gotten older? But they don’t have to throw you under the bus to do it. They don’t have to vilify you to make themselves feel better. They don’t have to look me in the eye like that, like I’m some, some poor miserable thing, or like I have to be protected, or like I don’t know what I’m doing, or like they can’t even trust me.

But what does that make me?

And Olaf would grin at me and I would hold my head high and look him back and spit in his face. I wasn’t going to let it get to me. It had only been a month. How long is a month, in the grand scheme of things? What does a month matter, against the beginning of a lifetime? And when a month became two, what did that matter?

-------

I wouldn’t say that Hector and I were ever particularly close, but I’ve actually seen a lot of him lately. We meet up for tea because he keeps saying there’s something he wants to talk to me about but mostly he sits there and looks at his tea and I pretend I’m not super uncomfortable. And then he insists on paying the check, in exact change.

When I see Hector, I think about Haruki. I know how close they were. And Haruki respected you so much, more than anyone else. As in, he respected you more than he respected any of our other friends, but also more than maybe anyone else respected you, because that was how Haruki was. Loyal, the best of the best, and so fierce about it. I wanted him there at our wedding.

Haruki was really the first person we lost, I guess. And I hate how we’re never going to know how it happened, because they say no one else was there, and the one person we do know was there, he’s never going to say a damn thing about it, and we all know that for sure. But I remember everyone gathering around to write Haruki’s obituary and how little we had to say. Not because we didn’t know him. But because, what were we going to say? What did we have left to say, who did Haruki have left, besides us? And what were we?

Hector looks at me and I don’t know what to say to him. He doesn’t know what to say to me. I’m terrified he’s going to tell me I should’ve known better too because then I won’t be able to stand it. But he just looks at me and I try not to cry and I’m trying not to cry now because he’s feeling it too, this awful business of feeling like things are starting to break. Sometimes I feel Hector is going to disappear, too.

--------

I guess the question I started to think was, how long was I going to wait. Bertrand and I had waited for longer, and then there were times where we never waited, and hadn’t we reached a point where we weren’t supposed to, anymore? But then, when you’re married, aren’t you supposed to do whatever you have to?

But doesn’t it go both ways? One half can do their part but doesn’t the other half have to do something too and how much is it before you’re asking too much but how long is it before you’re not doing enough and when you’re married aren’t you supposed to know the answers to all the questions, the right and the wrong ones, you’re not supposed to care and you’re supposed to be there and it’s all is supposed to be okay, and

We never did do anything traditionally, though, did we?

-------

I saved the article. I didn’t save all of them, but I saved this one.

-------

UNIDENTIFIED BODY IDENTIFIED

The unidentified body recently pulled from the downtown river has been identified as local ex-theater critic and renowned person of interest, Lemony Snicket, who was last seen surveying the river and saying, “How deep do you think it really is?”

“For the record,” said the local police, who preferred to remain nameless and sent in their response by postcard from three towns over, “it was three feet.”

Mr. Snicket was identified by a source who was also unidentified, but proved their credentials by singing a variety of showtunes for the newspaper staff, to great applause.

“Yes, I suppose that’s him,” said the source, when asked to identify the photo of the river, which was presented to them while they were drinking a glass of water, because they were parched after the showtunes. When the glass of water spilled on the photograph, the source went on to say, “Oh, that’s definitely him.”

The body in question disappeared as soon as it was found, but the police have no reason to suspect foul play, as no livestock was found at the scene, the morgue, or the local bakery, and neither does our source.

“Can I leave now?” asked the source. “I need to go pick up my glasses.”

Mr. Snicket has recently been the suspect in a number of crimes, including arson, lockpicking, theft, and jaywalking without a license. He has been described as “that’s not what I would call a grey suit, it leaned closer to charcoal.” There is no planned funeral service at this time.

-------

Bertrand and I laughed a lot, because it was the most outrageous article we’d ever read, and we kept talking about what sort of bakery would even allow livestock inside, and of course we knew it was about you, but of course it wasn’t you, because we didn’t know where you were but we knew you were alive. You were alive, so no matter what we read or what anyone told us, no matter who wanted to believe what, we knew the truth.

And, again, Lemony, it wasn’t that I needed you to explain. It was that I wanted you to tell me. I wanted you to let me in on it. I wanted you to call or come by and tell us, your husband and your wife, hey no big deal but I’m gonna fake my death for the foreseeable future, is that okay? And instead I have to find out from Olaf waving it in my face? I have to find out from some absurd article I shouldn’t have even looked twice at? I have to find out from people I thought were my friends telling me I should have known better?

I sure don’t need to tell you, but, we just got married, Lemony! And we had a house and a life and plans and no matter what happened, no matter what else we had to do, because there was no way we were ever going to give this up and we knew that, we were going to stay together, we were going to do this, what we promised, not to other people but to ourselves, and each other, and

Sometimes I want to think that you planned it like that, that you sat down and thought to yourself about the best worst way to do it and you thought, leaving us alone like this and faking your death and not saying a single word was the greatest way to break our hearts, especially after marrying us, that would hurt the most, you wanted to do it so you did it and you got away from us for good like you always wanted because you were never going to stay and you knew it, because then I can hate you like I’m supposed to and stop thinking of the way you smile at me

I hate that you aren’t a cruel person, I hate that you didn’t do it on purpose, I hate that the real true human tradition is that people are human and nothing else

How am I supposed to do this?

a bird up in her chamber

eats love for breakfast lunch and dinner

and steadily gets thinner

sings songs she won’t forget,

in the darkness by the lamps

says the shapes of lonely words

said by lonely people

in lonely rooms

to feel better about

being

what is a life with this alone

what is a life

like this?

“when we grab you by the ankle, where your life is ours to take

you’ll soon be doing wicked things, they’ll keep you long awake

when your whole life is a secret then you’ll be a volunteer

and you’ll scream a long time later, for

the world was never quiet here.”

-------

Bertrand has been making lists. You know his tendency to organize, but the funny thing is he just keeps leaving them places. I’m sitting on like, three of them.

To Do

-Check maps

-Apologize to D

-Extra key

-Secure boat

-Study family trees

To Buy

-Thick, sturdy rope

-Do they make portable record players?

-Paintbrushes (for then and now, so get extra)

-White curtains? Will they match? Check ‘To Think’

-Extra wires, no candles!

To Think

-Ask Kit about Bernadette

-Examine garden for hiding spots

-Turtles or foxes?

-What if it turns out to be true?

-Or birds??

Definitely not birds.

-------

You know, I haven’t seen Jerome in a while. Maybe it’s also been two months, I’m not sure. I feel like, even before the wedding, we weren’t seeing much of him—although it wasn’t like Jacques paraded him around or anything in the first place—but since then, I don’t think Jacques has even talked about him.

This means Jacques’s Tuesdays are open now, although you’d never know it. He still only shows up when he wants to. And if he doesn’t want to, then you have as much luck finding him as finding a grammar rule Jo doesn’t know. It must run in the family. I hate to

I had Kit get ahold of him for me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to say to Kit anymore, which is unsettling, but Kit acts like she always does. She comes over and makes herself at home and talks to both of us like this is average everyday Kit business for her. I don’t know if I admire her tenacity or if it’s going to be something else I can’t stand down the line. I don’t know yet. She hugged me when she left, though. That’s just how Kit is. And I don’t really want to lose that.

I wasn’t sure if Kit would know, the thing I wanted to ask Jacques. I guess it wouldn’t surprise me if she did, but when I saw her I thought, maybe she didn’t know. She didn’t talk about you at all. And it wasn’t the ‘I’m Kit Snicket and I’m Being Purposefully Vague For Reasons, Now Deal With It’ sort of silence, it was the ‘I’m Kit Snicket and I Refuse to Admit I Don’t Know This Piece of Information, So I’m Going to Rearrange Your Bookshelves’ sort of silence. Still don’t know where she put T.S. Eliot. I think she took it with her.

Jacques didn’t want to talk to me. He’s too polite to say it, but I could tell. He kept making excuses, and by the time we finally got him to come here, he was uncomfortable and I was on edge. He came right out and said he couldn’t stay long. He knew why I wanted to talk to him and he told me straightforward that he couldn’t tell me.

I’m not proud of what I said to him.

-------

If it was the last day, but it probably was but Lemony, I don’t I sure didn’t know.

I will remember every second until the day I die.

We waited until after the wedding to move into the house, especially because the only honeymoon we wanted was for the three of us to be there together, alone, for a little while. It was on the outskirts of the city, away from everything else, and we barely told anyone. We didn’t even tell everyone from the wedding.

I watched the sunrise, the soft shadows sliding along the sheets on the bed, catching on the suitcases we still hadn’t unpacked all the way, you and Bertrand warm beside me, and I didn’t want to get up. We put the best bed in the whole world in our room, and rightly so. High bed posts but no canopy because Bertrand was worried about dust. Crisp white sheets and I was so excited to look when we finally got up and see the wrinkles mashed down in them from where we slept because that meant it was ours for real. That rich wine comforter that it was too hot to use the first night so we still had it folded up at the foot of the bed, but you had this look in your eyes when we spread it out like you couldn’t wait for winter and when we’d be squished up against each other underneath it for warmth.

That morning, I just wanted to lay there and savor it. It wasn’t like we’d never been in the same bed before, or that we even needed to be married, but! To know I could hold it in my hands, that’s what it was.

And then Bertrand rolled over and got an elbow into my side somehow and you mumbled something about Wedding Pancakes (capitals implied) and then we had to eat breakfast.

I checked. The wrinkles were all there.

-------

Bertrand and I.

We haven’t

We’ve been

We’ve been angry at each other.

And you know Bertrand, he doesn’t get angry, really, he gets, more disappointed than anything, but he’s. He’s been angry. At me. I know.

I get scared, because I don’t know what to do, so I, I can’t hold a conversation without yelling at somebody, and it’s usually Bertrand, and I hate yelling at him and sometimes he starts to yell back.

We’re not. Okay. Right now.

We weren’t supposed to do this without you and I don’t want to find out that we can’t, Lemony. And I know we can but I know it’s also not a matter of doing it with or without you, because that’s awful, I just keep wondering what if you were what held us all together and if you’re not here how are Bertrand and I supposed to go on like this. Saying the wrong things, avoiding each other, not coming home. I guess that’s how we’re ‘dealing’ with it but that’s sure some sick way to do it.

I don’t want to lose anybody and fighting for them means that I want to keep screaming until everything stops.

-------

Jacques said you’d be back soon enough.

I told him I needed to know how soon was soon.

He said soon enough.

I said that wasn’t enough.

I never though of Jacques as one to yell. And he didn’t really yell, he mostly raised his voice, like I couldn’t hear him. I mean I was definitely talking over him but it was because I could hear him and I didn’t want to.

No one can tell me anything I don’t know. I know they think I haven’t felt the same worries as everyone else but that’s because I never wanted them to think that I did. And I did too good a job, apparently. I know we live hard lives, Jacques. I know it requires sacrifices, Jacques. I know there’s no guarantee, Jacques. I know there’s things you have to give up. I know you can’t be childish or selfish in this business. I know we knew what would happen. I know sometimes no matter how hard you try, you’re just going to fail.

He told me to wait for you.

-------

After breakfast, we organized the library, because we still had so many things in boxes but we agreed we had to get that done. We put everything in, every repeat copy and every notebook because we actually had room for everything instead of trying to cram it all into smaller bookshelves. The library was the biggest room in the house and had that beautiful windowseat. (It still does. We’re still in this house, after all, but this moment, this day, just isn’t right now.) I’ll admit I spent more time lounging on it than I did organizing books, but, you sat on that windowseat with me, you knew how comfortable it was. I loved those windows and how bright the sun was (really.) and how good I knew it was going to look when it was raining. And you agreed, and Bertrand rolled his eyes at us, and I told him, he got his natural light, what more did he want?

For two people to stop lazing around and figure out if we were going in alphabetical order or by genre or by which ones most recently made us cry over lunch, Bertrand said.

It was alphabetical, of course.

We forgot about lunch, because we put the record player in the library until we could find another place for it and started playing our favorites. Bertrand could dance by then, obviously, we wouldn’t have married him if he couldn’t. We were very good at dancing together, after practicing for so long. No one was ever going to do a better three-way tango and we all knew it.

We picked through the fridge and some of the wedding gifts, once we got hungry and tired of dancing. We found out Jerome somehow still sent us at least thirty coasters, and learned that he apparently wildly overestimates our social life, because there was no way we were going to be inviting thirty people at a time over anymore, or at least, not for a while. You and Bertrand stacked them in the dining room in a cabinet, and those you organized by color. Then we stood at the window there and looked out into the garden (the best view of it was from the dining room) and talked about the flowers we were going to plant, and how Ramona was going to send us (express) a clipping from one of the rosebushes in her garden, the ones we’d look at during her family’s masked balls.

We went to the corner store down the street and you and Bertrand pretended to fuss over tomatoes while I was looking at loaves of bread and when I turned around you were buying flowers for me, red and bright and beautiful. We put them in the kitchen while we all made dinner (salmon, with cherry tomatoes). Somehow I found the time to make sorbet for dessert and it was only then we realized how late it was and we laughed a lot that day and laughed a lot then because we didn’t need to care about things like that. Our house was barely put together and we tried to find a way to use every single coaster from Jerome and we hadn’t had words with the city about the electricity yet because there was so much we’d had to do beforehand that we had to use candles. We all had matches, and we weren’t naive enough to think we wouldn’t have them.

I can’t tell you how powerful I felt, lighting those candles, because I know you and Bertrand felt it too. This was our doing and ours alone. This space was ours. We looked at each other over the candles, the shadows on our faces, and we’d never looked clearer.

We could’ve lived forever, in that moment.

-------

I called your brother a coward and I told him that whatever happened to Jerome now that he wouldn’t protect him was his fault and his alone and if he could live with himself that’s fine but I couldn’t if I didn’t try to do this and if he didn’t tell me where you were I was going to kill him where he stood and he shouldn’t even think for one second that I wasn’t capable of doing what had to be done and if that meant I had to kill for what I wanted then I would.

-------

You kissed us in the morning. You smiled. You walked out the door and then came back because you forgot your hat and Bertrand and I were still laughing even as the door shut behind you.

And then you were gone.

-------

Kit came by again, after.

We sat in that silence.

She told me that it was the one thing they hadn’t told her. She hadn’t known, until I asked Jacques. We don’t have anywhere else to go, she said, in a moment of unprecedented candidness. So we always come back.

“I underestimated him,” she said.

I told her she could keep The Wasteland, since it was practically hers because it had been yours. Kit smiled. She didn’t say much else.

-------

Bertrand and I aren’t the only ones losing someone here and I forgot that.

Jacques and I looked at each other for a long time. I tried to apologize and he kept shaking his head. He told me where you were. He told me he didn’t know when you’d be back—or if you would at all. He told me he was the one writing the articles in the Daily Punctilio. He turned away from me. Then he gave me his handkerchief, and put his hand on mine, and got up and left.

-------

What it feels like, Lemony, is like you

It feels like you picked

It feels like we didn’t matter and

And it’s not like we could ever choose or have one or the other I know I know I know but

We’re never going to be without it but I thought that

WE GOT MARRIED, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, LEMONY SNICKET

You picked an idea of nobility that you spent the past ten years struggling with and denouncing and promising you’d never

It wasn’t like we ever set out to save you anyway I

At the end of the day, that’s it. You picked the organization over us. And I didn’t think we were going to have to draw lines like that. At least not now. At least not right now. Because that means I have to make a decision. Because it means I can’t only think about me. Because it means I can’t keep waiting. And even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.

-------

I found out the other day.

I had a feeling, though. You just, you either have the feeling or you don’t, right? And I did. And I keep thinking about what your reaction would be. What you’d say. I keep thinking about your eyes, bluer than blue. I keep thinking about the world we said we were going to make when we were kids, the people we said we’d be. We were tiny and young and idealistic and you’re really only that way once in your whole life and when you’re not anymore, you can’t go back.

-------

We can’t go on like this.

stripped off my dress like a skin,

peeled

so you could see everything

not only then,

but always.

didn’t know i was doing it,

guess i never really ran out of clothes.

you took off you shirt

and I was jealous.

you only needed to do it once and there you were.

I thought.

but now I keep finding shirts

in the places where I found you

and I can’t

find anything

that was mine

to put back on

I really can’t do anything

-------

Enclosed you’ll find the ring. I know it’s not just the ring I married you with, but the ring I married Bertrand with, but whenever we look at it we think of you and I’m the one who has to wear it all the time and I can’t.

But I don’t want to give it back because what if it’s the only thing I get to keep of you? But it wasn’t ever mine anyway, or yours, and who knows, maybe Ramona will marry Olivia with it someday, and maybe you’ll be there, only you wouldn’t be if you got the ring back, you’d never show your face again.

And that’s not what I want, I don’t want you out of my life, Lemony, but if I give it back then maybe I do. Maybe that is what I want. Maybe I never want to see you again like this.

-------

Okay, I have to ask. I have to, because Jacques kept his mouth shut about this.

The last time you saw us. Not the day, but the morning, walking out the front door. Did you know you weren’t coming back? You just left like you always did, to go to the newspaper, before Bertrand and I went to the theater, and as far as leaving someone for good goes that’s so

Did you meet up with Jacques, or Hector, or Jo, or even Kit, and did they tell you? Did headquarters address you personally? Did you take an assignment from someone else? Did someone corner you and were you trying to protect us? Was that the only way you could do it, going into hiding and faking your death? Who else was involved, besides Jacques? How long was it going to go on for? Did they expect you to do it by yourself? Did you have a plan, did any of them have a plan? What fragmentary plot was it even a part of? Did you know you weren’t coming back? Could you even come back? Did it even happen right away? Did it start out as some mediocre assignment you were going to tell us about later and then what happened so that I was reading the paper and there you were being accused of things I knew you’d never do? Why didn’t they ask me? Why didn’t they ask Bertrand? Why didn’t they ask us? You knew we’d do it together, we swore we’d do it together, why didn’t you tell us? What made it so that you couldn’t?

Or did you really decide for yourself that that was it?

I don’t want to believe that. I don’t, Lemony. I want to believe that it was one thing and then another but do you know why I can’t, why I keep asking? Do you understand why I need to know the truth? Why I need to be able to put it together? Why waiting and trusting isn’t enough anymore?

--------

No one could ever extinguish my love, Lemony, no one, nothing, not a single solitary thing ever, nothing could do it, but my trust is a different matter. Loving someone and trusting someone are two different things and I know you know that as much as I do. You. Knew. All. Of. This.

-------

You know. If it had ended at the article. I might’ve been okay with it. I might have. Not making any promises, because we both know better than that. But I might’ve. I could’ve.

It didn’t end with the article.

Olivia had a short-lived assignment working the telegrams recently. She gave Ramona a very specific telegram. Olivia was honestly surprised it had come through at all. That something like that would be sent over such an insecure line. And of course she showed Ramona. They didn’t show it to anyone else. Which was lucky, because you know Olivia. She wanted to do whatever she could.

Ramona sent it to me. Right away. I got it yesterday. She said she’d never felt worse in her entire life. She said she was sorry. She’s the only one who didn’t sound patronizing about it.

J.S.,

AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED STOP GOING ON FULL STOP

M.K.

I never liked Monty Kensicle all that much as a name either.

-------

Lemony I can’t help but think that you’re sick of me, sick with me

It wasn’t like I ever—like I did it to be similar, I would NEVER, because both of us had our reasons for why we did what we did, you on that train, me and Bertrand at the opera. We knew what we were doing. Did we regret it? Enough for it to hurt, on the wrong days. Not enough for it to matter, in the long run. But enough for it to stop me every once in a while, in the way I know it stopped you.

But, but did you think, you couldn’t love someone who

Which would be, extraordinarily hypocritical of you, not to mention

I know you still think about it and I know how much it

I paid my price for what I did, Lemony, and so did you, and I didn’t

Is that how it works? Is that what happens? Is this what else I have to give up, for some shred of nobility, is my life going to be one mistake after another because I followed an order and I though they were right enough? Not even right, right enough, how stupid—is everything that happens to me going to be because of that? Am I losing you because it’s what I deserve?

Don’t I deserve good things? Don’t I still deserve happiness, and stability, and love, and a family, and all those things I worked so hard for? Because nobility wasn’t the end of it for me, this was what we wanted, something better, something for us, something we deserved, and this can’t be it, this can’t be the only thing we get for all of that, there has to be something else! And if I lose everyone close to me because of this organization Lemony I swear I don’t know what I’m going to do I feel like I’m going to lose my mind like this

--------

I think of you out there, alone, and probably cold because you never bring a damn jacket with you anywhere. It’s summer but I’m imagining you as being cold, but I think that’s just because it’s sort of what you do when anyone thinks of someone as being anywhere alone.

Or, I’m just—I’m thinking of you out there, alone, for sure. I’m doing that. I’m thinking. About you. Alone.

I’m

thinking.

I think of you. Out there. Letting Jacques know, letting Olivia know, because you had to know who was working the telegram, otherwise you wouldn’t have sent it, I think of you going out of your way to tell your brother and not me and Bertrand and maybe you thought they’d tell me anyway but I had to pull teeth to get it from Jacques and if it had been anyone else! No one but Olivia would have said! You got lucky! But not enough! Because you still didn’t tell us! You went out of your way to not!! You! I think of you! Doing that instead of having the nerve! The decency! To tell us first! You!

How could you

-------

I think of you, out there—hiding in the middle of nowhere with only the occasional newspaper for company, which, let me tell you, Lemony, is a very frustrating existence. You know what? I keep wanting to hope that you are dead because somehow that would make this easier, I can be angry at a dead man. But I can be angry at anyone, can’t I. Dead or alive, it doesn’t matter. I can be angry.

I want to hope that you never sleep comfortably again. I want to hope that every sea is too uneven and every desert is too hot and every mountain is too cold and everywhere you go it’s too much. I want to hope that you try and come back and see how good and happy Bertrand and I are without you and you have to realize, you really did mess up. I want to hope that your boat goes down in the middle of the ocean and I know for sure! I want to think that you’ll be so miserable without us and it’ll never have been worth it!!

You’re out there, without us. Without me.

I hope it was worth it.

-------

What am I going to do?

I’m not picking. It’s not—I’m not capable of that, picking between you two, and I know you both had this ridiculous fear that I was going to, but I wasn’t, and I’m still not. I am selfish and clingy and I know what I want and I love what I have, and I love both of you and Bertrand loves both of us and I was ready to stake my life on the fact that you loved both of us too.

And I hate that I have to say it! Because I do! Apparently I do have to, Lemony! If it comes down to, who would I rather do this with, who would I raise a family with, who would I trust more than anything, and you made me make this choice, I’m sorry it can’t be the man who ran away from me! And part of me keeps thinking I’m not even me for saying that, I’m not, I’m not the Beatrice that was going to tear a room apart with her bare hands to get what she wanted, who would scale walls and climb buildings and shoot a gun and could ski and fence by fourteen, I’m not, taking risks, I’m not doing whatever I have to, and that everyone who told me Bertrand was boring (because there were people!!!) and safe and uncomplicated was right and that I’m betraying some fundamental aspect of myself by not even trying, and that I’m hurting Bertrand especially for making him a damn pawn in what I think my life is

But it’s not like I never did! It’s not like I didn’t spend years and years of my life trying to be a good person, trying to create the life I wanted, all of this is me, every ugly thought and every bad decision and every unfinished book and every theater script I keep leaving around places and every single page of this as I try to figure out where I want to go from here! And it just comes back to one thing, Lemony, just one thing! That we can’t do this! That I can’t have you in my life like this! That I didn’t believe it would happen but here it is, it’s happening!! I can’t avoid it! You walked away from me and expected me to be okay with it! You expected me to wait! You expected me to do it! You expected EVERYTHING from me and I only have so much to give, I’m only so much, I CAN’T DO EVERYTHING

And do you know what I am? Do you know what I am, really, when I get right down to it?? I am this, this awful woman with blood on my hands asking you for something that even I could never give anybody, not you or Bertrand or myself and I’m so sick of everything, I’m so sick of myself, I hate everyone and myself most of all, for being like this, for turning into this person, I hate hate hate hate hate all of this and how we were raised and what our future is going to be and what I’ve done and what is it going to take, for things to be better, for me to be better, for—what is it going to take, Lemony, for you to walk back through that door again and not do it over and over and over and I can’t keep letting you do this, I can’t, not to me or to Bertrand, I can’t keep hoping you’ll be there when I wake up and I can’t keep dreaming we’re going to die and I can’t keep pretending that anything about us has ever been okay or ever will be okay! Nothing about this is okay and how am I only realizing it now? How long have we been fooling ourselves into thinking that we could do this? How long do I have to be kind about this? How long do I have to play nice about you and this?

I’m UPSET and I’m ALLOWED TO BE and I

don’t

know

can

forgive

you

I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know if I can look at you anymore.

I don’t know.

Do you know how it was, Lemony? It was us first. You and me. From the second we saw each other in that green-walled room, it was you and me. Lemony and Beatrice. Root beer floats and being purposely mysterious to each other when we talked and being too clever. And I thought that meant we could do anything. We could die and I’d be happy because I was with you. As long as I had you.

And then there was Bertrand. And life felt different. Bertrand made it different, Bertrand made life different, he made it worth something else. And the bond that you and I had? Irreplaceable. And what we created with him only made it better. We had room in what we had for something so good. It really was Bertrand. I don’t know what would’ve become of us if it hadn’t been for him. And I saw that in you, too. You thought it too.

That was when I worried. When I started dreaming about terrible things happening to us. To you. I kept running from it because I didn’t know what else to do. I just didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to lose.

I’m scared to do anything. I’m scared to be wrong. I’m scared to know anything else.

I’m scared to die.

I don’t think you are.

I’m not sorry.

-------

Here are some questions. Here are some facts. Here are some things.

1 – I’m tired.

2 – I can’t even wonder if we should have done things differently anymore, right after that moment we met. In that room, I never imagined any of this.

3 – Sometimes I do think you lied all along. And that’s not a reflection on our associates or anything but just, see question/statement 1.

4 – You had to have thought about what would happen.

5 – How could we have a family like this?

6 – Did you think you could run all your life? Did you think that would work out? That Bertrand and I would be satisfied with that?

7 – Did you want me like that?

8 – What am I supposed to do?

9 – How long did you think we could keep this up?

10 – Was I wrong?

11 – What did you want?

12 – I know you’d thought about what a family with us would look like and I didn’t think you’d let anything stand in the way of that and maybe that was where I was naive.

13 – What would you say if I asked you this in person?

-------

After all this, I—

Bertrand has asked me if I have any spare pens.

-------

Lemony—

A long time ago, I sat in the diner near your apartment. We’d all known each other for a while, and you and Bea were very much together, and I didn’t quite feel like a third wheel anymore but I also didn’t feel like I was a part of everything yet. We were still dancing around each other, and I was doing it truly, incredibly badly.

I was in the habit of meeting Jo on weekends, when we would go over our reports together because we worked in similar places. We’d meet in the diner. I would arrive early and take a seat near the door. It had the best view of your window. You never turned the lights on, but I would look at it and think about you and—I’m completely serious—write the worst poetry ever to exist. You and Bea have always been much better at it. Jo would take it upon herself to help and suddenly they were these grammar-specific poems, which meant I definitely was not going to send them. Jo is many things; Jo is just not particularly a writer of romance.

I never told you or Bea, because it didn’t seem noteworthy, once we were together. But, things happen in your life and you wish you’d been able to say so much more than you did. I wanted to tell you about the face Bea makes when you aren’t there. She bites her lip and frowns around the kitchen when there’s a lull in the conversation in the spots you would usually say something clever. I wanted to tell you how the bed doesn’t feel the same when you aren’t in it. Bea says the wrinkles don’t set the same, and I feel like it’s emptier without you. I wanted to tell you that the hottest summer days—and I feel like there have been an endless amount of them so far this summer, humid and muggy and not the least bit sultry—even they feel cold when we can’t see you. I wanted to tell you that every time I do the laundry, I remember how you can’t fold socks. I wanted to tell you that I’ve stopped folding socks altogether, which has become quite the problem. Bea and I have stacks of socks in the bedroom now, which is just silly. I wanted to tell you that I love watching you put your hat by the door when you come home, resting it on the table as gently as possible, giving such a small gesture has such a big importance.

I took those things for granted. So much of my life, I’ve thought that loving things so fiercely and so determinedly could be enough, and I’ve relied on that love to get me through what we had to do. Even when the three of us weren’t together, I think I would’ve been happy to stay that way, because I could still love both of you regardless, and just that would’ve been enough. Just to be able to love you, and have your companionship. I would have cherished that always.

I’m the one who’s been so lucky, Lemony. When we all got together, I felt like my life began. I felt like you and Bea pulled me along into something beautiful and breathtaking and nothing would ever compare. I felt like it would always be there, for the rest of my life.

And I’m—

I don’t hate you. I could never. You need to know, that no matter what happens, I will never hate you. I can’t promise to not be upset with you, because I am, and a little angry, and a little disappointed, and a lot sad. But I don’t hate you.

You and Bea have such beautiful ways to say things, and I’ve always been so jealous of the way you two write. You told me that both of you were jealous of my tendency to be a little more forthright, at least when I got down to it, because let’s not forget, I did spend two months coming up with nicknames for all of us instead of just telling you how much you meant to me. But I don’t have lengthy or passionate ways to say certain things, is what it is. Actions, definitely. But when I have to say it, it comes out.

I love you.

And I wish you were here.

I never wanted to think about it, I guess. I’ve done a very good job of not thinking of things I didn’t want to think about. We do difficult things and live difficult lives. It takes its toll, and I’ve watched it happen. I thought if I held on tight enough—to you, to Bea, to myself—that we could escape some of it, no matter what we’ve done. And we’ve done a lot. We’ve been kept up in turn by sleepless nights and bad dreams and wondering too much. We’re not going to leave—not for good, and each of us know that—but it could be more manageable, together. We would figure it out, when we needed to. Perhaps I was a bit too optimistic about how well I could do it.

I hate to think it was something we did, or something we didn’t see. I hate to think that you gave up on yourself or on us. I hate to think I didn’t do enough. I know it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. I know Bea keeps telling me I’m too kind for my own good, and I think it’s because I’m afraid to really feel anything. Feeling it makes it too real, something I have to actually contend with, and I don’t want to. I really don’t.

I want to say—I don’t want to tell you, I just want to say it—that I’m more hurt than I’ve ever been, and I don’t feel like I belong here without you, and that I think, you didn’t want to do it, but you knew what you were doing, and you did it because some things just sound easier, or hurt more but hurt less than others, and that I despise the people that we’ve become. I despise the things that we’ve been made into, and I don’t know how much of it we did to ourselves. I don’t know how much I can change.

I won’t lie, Lemony, because I’ve never been much of a liar. It’s been hard without you. Bea and I haven’t been talking very much, and we get into arguments when we do. We’ve been avoiding each other. It’s hard to avoid someone you live with, for a lot of reasons. But we’ve been managing to do it. I’ve been hiding at the Denouement. Absolutely, definitely hiding. Dewey’s not pleased but he doesn’t say no to the help organizing the archives. Bea’s been going to the theater, even though she’s technically off-duty for the next seven months (it was self-imposed off-duty, which I’ll admit was surprising). When we do talk to each other, Bea has a tendency to raise her voice, which I don’t mind, necessarily, because I understand why she keeps doing it. I have a tendency of late to do the same, which I’m not proud of. Taking it out on each other isn’t good or responsible of us, but it’s where we are right now. It is a miserable place to be.

Bea assumes I’m upset with her, but I’m not. I’m upset with myself, mostly. I keep thinking that none of this would have happened if I wasn’t here, that I made things worse. If you and Bea had just gone on by yourselves, maybe there would be so much less unhappiness. Maybe I was what made it hard for you to stay. Maybe I pressured you, maybe I pressured myself. Maybe this is my lot in life. They’re awful things to think, but I’m thinking them. That’s what people do, when upsetting things happen. We try to figure out where we went wrong. We don’t come up with any answers, but it’s better than sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves, which we do enough of too. I know eventually we’ll stop hurting each other, Bea and I. It just feels a long way away right now. A lot of things feel that way. You, myself, my friends, anything I thought I knew or had.

I’m being very unkind, to myself. That’s not your fault. It’s just something I’m realizing now. I’ve spent a lot of my life being unkind to myself. I don’t know how not to be. There are many things I don’t believe that I deserve, a sentiment I know you understand. It’s hard to feel like we deserve anything, even what we love. The more I think about it, the more I think, maybe that was why. And that breaks my heart and scares me so much, Lemony, that we—you—are capable of feeling such sadness.

Honestly, part of me wants to keep waiting. The part of me that is a fairly patient person is probably willing to do so. But the other part of me that is less patient and a husband to both of you is the part that hurts, and the part that reminds me that I am allowed to say that there is only so much I can take. I want you here more than anything, but I know for sure none of this is ever going to be that simple again.

But going forward from this, I want to feel like I deserve things. There’s only so much time I can spend regretting, or hating myself, or wishing that I had done something different. It’s easy to get caught up in all of that, and I think I still will be, for a while. I think I’m going to keep thinking miserable things for some time to come. But on the other side of that is something else. Not necessarily a happiness, or a satisfaction, but a certain kind of existence. Or, I guess, a kindness.

I love you very much, Lemony, and I can’t imagine doing this without you. I still don’t want to.

But if you have to—Bea and I aren’t going anywhere. We’ll still be here. I can’t promise in what way, but we’ll be here, if or when or anything at all. I hope you can meet us in that something else one day.

Until then, with all my love,

I wish you bluebirds in the spring,

to give your heart a song to sing,

and then a kiss, but more than this,

I wish you love.

And in July, a lemonade

to cool you in some leafy glade,

I wish you health,

and more than wealth,

I wish you love.

My breaking heart and I agree

that you and I could never be,

so with my best,

my very best,

I set you free.

I wish you shelter from the storm,

a cozy fire to keep you warm,

but most of all,

when snowflakes fall,

I wish you love.

Bertrand

face the sun

in the night,

find it in the night

in the pieces,

dig for it,

dig it out with my hands alone.

yes.

what I left –

fragments,

every last eye,

unwelcome.

piling it back in.

new sunlight.

-------

So—the sad truth is that the truth is sad. The real truth is that I never wanted to believe you were right about that. I thought I could get by on good looks and sheer force and well-hidden optimism and believing I was right. I was wrong. We were all wrong, some of us more wrong than others.

Where you went wrong is thinking that we—that I—would be okay with this. And that was where I went wrong too, I admit. The blame could be with all of us.

What I do know is that we can’t be together like this. Not like this. This is where it ends.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. I don’t know what Bertrand and I will do. And the two of us—Bertrand and I—can figure that out. In whatever way that is. Whatever you’re doing, I leave you to it.

You will—always, always, always—be (somewhere) in my mind, and (deep) in my heart, and wherever (wherever.) (parenthetical required.) you are. Be it a boat, or a cave, or the city, or a grave, true or false. That’s the way you want it. That’s the way I will accept it. Good luck.

Beatrice

#asoue #a series of unfortunate events

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hello--mrs · 5 years

Text

Steven Universe Podcast: Battle of Heart and Mind

I don’t usually do this but I said I would for the server, so here we are.

This episode included Rebecca Sugar, Kat Morris, Joe Johnston, Matt Burnett, Ben Levin, and Ian Jones-Quartey.

· The episode starts with the rainbow worm in Steven’s dream, who is voiced by Deedee. This is the last homage to the princess references in the arc. The worm is from the Kyanite colony and was brought to Homeworld by Pink, which Blue allowed, but then Pink released all worms in the ballroom. Rebecca mentions this links with Pink’s desire to be free by releasing animals from their colonies.

· This specific princess reference was to Jasmine (in Aladdin) opening the cage and allowing the birds to fly free. It was also a reference to Pink’s love of animals and wanting to set them free, which isn’t out of character for Steven either.

· For Diamond Days, they picked the most common princess tropes for Steven’s time on Homeworld and made this experience alienating for him.

· Rebecca states that the Diamonds are meant to exist as a body- the inspiration for the ship. Pink is the Id, Blue and Yellow are the Ego, and White is the Super Ego. This is represented in Change Your Mind where the collective mind experiences embarrassment when the Id demands they enjoy something.

· Kat admits that they came up with the new outfits by continuously emailing each other with ideas. Rebecca said they considered everything but there were some concepts that they really wanted, for example, Rainbow 2.0 would have a scarf and a jacket. It was important either way that the fusions would notably have Steven’s clothes and the gems. However, the fusions would hint at the new forms and Pearl didn’t end up having a scarf, but she did have the jacket. Later, McKenzie asked if the jacket was a throwback to Bad Pearl and Rebecca confirmed that it represented her independence.

· One of Garnet’s new designs included transparent glasses and Peridot’s glasses in the shape of a star. Kat came up with the idea for the shredded shorts and star pockets for Amethyst.

· All of the new outfits represent how the gems have changed and learned from Steven.

· Rebecca mentioned that Pearl has been ‘playing the field’ and ‘exploring who she is’, which started in Last One Out of Beach City.

· Lapis has gold accents on her new outfit to match the real-life gem stone. Kat said that Rebecca really wanted the sandals for Lapis and it makes for comfortable cosplay.

· Joe said that he enjoyed a lot of Garnet’s new designs. Most ideas were based off superheroes and had a more ‘knightly’ aspect.

· They confirmed that they tried Peridot’s new design with star hair but it was too much. Rebecca said that the glasses already change her silhouette and expose her gem more.

· Peridot also has boots this time. Before, she had socks because she used to wear limb enhancers.

· Mary Poppins and Bert were the inspiration for Rainbow 2.0. These concepts were made by Joe around 2-3 years ago. Sunstone was a newer concept.

· Rebecca said that all Garnet fusions can break the fourth wall, but with Steven, it would break it to give advice to children. The suction cups are also a combination of Steven’s shield and Garnet’s gauntlets. When creating Sunstone, Rebecca wanted her to look like a toy that you could stick in the back window of a car with suction cups.

· Alistair James auditioned for Rainbow 2.0 by doing an impression of his grandmother with a British accent. Rebecca said that Shoniqua was perfect and she knew immediately that she wanted her for Sunstone. She sounded exactly like how Miki Brewster pitched her.

· For Obsidian, they’d had her concept from the very beginning since she was shown as the temple. It was a hidden in sight visual that would eventually pay off.

· Obsidian’s sword is in the ocean, which is a part of the temple. It’s first seen in Bubble Buddies and seen again in Ocean Gem when the ocean is cleared. The sword design changed over time to ensure that all the Crystal Gem’s weapons could fit into the design.

· The earliest inspiration for White Diamond is traced back to the beginning of the show. She was inspired by the film ‘A Story of Menstruation’, which was made in 1946. It was a film by Disney played in schools to teach children what to expect in menstruation, and the narrator’s voice was a kindly older woman. Rebecca said that she found the designs really interesting and cute.

· From the film, the inspiration came from a scene where a woman cried into her arms but in the reflection of her mirror, she straightens up and starts smiling before going out dancing. The narrator says: “Don’t forget that people are around you and you’ll have to be more pleasant if you want people to like you”. The scene passes by and it ignores that fact that the woman was crying earlier, because she’s now seen being ‘correct’. This is the voice and the feeling that she went for with White Diamond and Homeworld.

· Homeworld is inspired by Busby Berkeley, and White is inspired by Hedy Lamarr in Ziegfeld Girl and Nell Brinkley drawings, all within an era where women were seen as beautiful pieces of furniture. Rebecca states: Women are like lamps, smiling and there, part of the scenery. It all originates from the idea that people thought it was lovely and seen as an escape from reality.

· Those early inspirations were also used for the wall gems- the idea that people are in the background as if turned to stone and function solely as architecture. These faces we see in the architecture are gems and that’s their function.

· White has always been associated as a mother, especially in terms of her storyline with Steven in this arc, and how gems are viewed as her children. This arc wanted to begin to explore her relationship with them.

· Rebecca says that White’s way of thinking is that she is everyone and everyone is her. She considers herself the default white light that passes through other gems, so when she sees gems absorb other colours from that light, she considers it a variation of her but lesser. In that way, she has no identity at all because she considers herself just light. She feels that people can be turned into her because they are all the same.

· Rebecca also stated that White is wrong about how she views the world and herself. It’s an antithesis to Rose’s journey- expression and repression. She lives in a delusion that everything is fine but it isn’t.

· Matt and Ben said that the whole episode was balanced by ensuring that every single character got their moment. It was an accumulation of ideas from over the years that they tried to fit into one episode, such as Amethyst greeting Jasper after she was uncorrupted. They felt they did everything they wanted to do before they left.

· All past episodes, especially for Diamond Days, were made to build up to the scene with White and Steven where she pulled out his gem. Mirror Gem is the first time they introduce the concept that a sentient gem can be trapped inside an object and that object is Steven. They’ve been planting hints that Pink may be trapped inside him ever since.

· From the beginning, they’ve wanted there to be doubt that Steven was his own person and have the audience question if Pink/Rose could still be alive. Even when the gem was pulled out, they still wanted the viewer to doubt if he was Steven. They planted enough hints that the viewer would think it could go either way.

· Between the crew, the hottest debates were about the storyline between Steven and Rose/Pink, about who Steven would be if they were separated. One of the most recent arguments was about Steven’s gem self and the fact he was devoid of any feeling, that there was none at all. That emotion came from Steven.

· Rebecca had planned the split perspective scene since the start of development and storyboarded it early in the process. It’s still from Steven’s point of view. Ian noted that if the show wasn’t completely from his perspective, it wouldn’t work. The split perspective was to also represent how torn and disoriented Steven was in that moment.

· Pink Steven is him as a default. If you take away his personality and emotion, he is empty. He’s been separated from his humanity and all that’s left is power. There have been nods to this in the past by showing how his power is greater because of his humanity and his capacity to love.

· Ian said that Rebecca has always had the idea of the final confrontation being about Steven’s relationship with his powers and that connection showing who he really is. Steven wants that human side of him, even if it slows him down, because it’s what makes him who he is.

· The scene of Steven returning to himself was originally written for episode 10. It was going to be a part of Giant Woman where they establish fusion.

· Rebecca confirms that James Baxter animated the scene where Steven reunites with Pink Steven. She met him by doing a drawing for his daughter’s birthday.

· The fusion sequence with the two Stevens was the ultimate princess trope- a rotating dancing scene specifically boarded by James Baxter. He completed the whole sequence himself apart from the inking.

· Ian mentioned that he wanted the uncorrupted gems scene for a long time. He said they always knew the arc would come back to the corrupted gems as that was the original conflict of the series, but now they finally get to see it through.

· On top of that, Ian went through every single episode that had a corrupted gem and designed their healed versions, while Rebecca added some of the quartz designs. He mentioned that the longer they were in their ‘monster’ form, the more they will look like that form, even when they’re healed. That’s why several of the healed gems look more like their original designs.

· Rebecca added that Ian helped with the fusion designs and their sequence, as that was a wishlist moment for him. He wanted Steven to fuse with all the gems in a row.

· Ian said that he had been most excited about Rainbow 2.0 and that Colin Howard had done most of the groundwork already.

· Rainbow is they/them and he/him, and Sunstone is they/them and she/her.

· Rainbow 2.0 is mixed with Pearl’s properness and Steven’s penchant for making jokes. Rainbow 2.0 loves to make puns and is a throwback to Steven’s puns in the earlier series. In the episode, Ian also came up with the idea that RQ 2.0 could ride their umbrella and have a rainbow shoot out of the end- a reference to Pearl being able to shoot lasers out of her spear.

· With Sunstone and Rainbow 2.0, they wanted to be able to show common traits in Sardonyx. The break in the fourth wall comes from Garnet, but loving to hear themselves talk comes from Pearl. Steven enables the both of them to embrace their silly sides.

· The ship foot falling on them was a slight reference to Monty Python but also a reference to the giant foot mentioned in Arcade Mania.

· Rebecca stated that the song Change Your Mind was not written for the show, but a personal song she wrote while fighting for the wedding arc. She was hesitant at first to include it.

· Change Your Mind isn’t for the end of the Steven Universe franchise but for this arc, Ian mentions. He adds that even though it was written for the process of including the wedding, it perfectly captures the theme of the show. As a coming of age story, Rebecca notes that this is something that had to happen for Steven to start making decisions for himself.

· Rebecca also admits it has been hard to write for Steven because he always puts others before himself. It’s always about what others want and what he thinks they want. However, he finally comes to a realisation in this arc that he doesn’t have to be anyone else other than himself or pamper to other’s expectations.

· Ian states that this arc was incredibly important for Steven’s development, in terms of who he is, who he thinks he is, and who others believe him to be. Moving forward, everything will be different from Steven’s perspective. There’s going to be more but it will have changed, because Steven has changed.

If I’ve missed anything out, let me know. Hope you guys enjoy!

14K notes · View notes

mindwideopen · 3 years

Text

youtube

What do you do, when you feel..... ALONE? Well, Grover has some ideas. He sings, and dances, and even pretends to fly. But then he feels sad, and lonely, and misses... me, and he wishes I was there with him, to do all those things with him. But I’m not there. Because he recorded this album in 1974, and that was the year I was born, so I was busy doing that.

Grover makes a great point. Sometimes we’re ok spending time with others and by ourselves. Sometimes we can be around a ton of people, in a huge crowd, or at a party, or anywhere, and still feel alone. Or, the flip side to this album, not sure, but the flip side to my point definitely, is that we can be alone, and choose to feel, content, happy, and at peace with ourselves.

We have sooooo much power! We can’t necessarily fly literally (if you are a pilot, or take an aircraft, I stand corrected) but you can take off in your mind to a place of tranquility any time you’d like, no matter what the outside circumstances may be. The flight, is up to you. You can go to bora bora! Or, ass gulch. I vote for bora bora! A place I only know the name of. I should look it up! I have no clue where the geographical location is, nor do I know if it’s a good place to visit, but I hear that’s it’s tropical, and a delightful place to vacation, so that’s worth thinking about. Good things, are worth thinking about.

Grover is my absolute favorite muppet of all time. He is basically a paired down version of me. He has ups and downs, ins and outs, big feelings and emotions. But, unlike Grover, I don’t usually wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I used to more, but I’ve retreated. Grover is a lot braver than I am. He creates a space of safety for himself in his head to be able to express his feelings honestly to all of us. He misses us, he loves us, and he wishes that he can spend his time with us, having fun, and loving. What a sweetheart he is!

When I was younger, I used to think that someone from Sesame Street was going to come to get me, so I could visit. True story. I was eventually disappointed, because that never happened. But I wanted to swing on that big tire they had there in the opening credits, and run and laugh with all the kids running around on the black top, or in the park. They looked like a fun group. I was an only child til I was 10, and basically hung out with adults. Back in the day, people didn’t really set up play dates. So, I had Sesame Street, and my sandbox, and my big imagination.

I went on tiger hunts with Ernie and Bert, and I swam in the jungles, and climbed trees, and sang and danced with all the kids from my grandparent’s living room. Fuck. This story is super depressing, or not, depending on how you view it. Being alone doesn’t have to be sad, or lonely. It can be, exhilarating!

I did a ton of reading as a kid. I used to disappear into my cubby hole that I decorated with my drawings and books, and stuffed animals, and read for hours on end. I also had another hiding spot. It was underneath my dressing table in my room. It had curtains, and was a perfect place to make my little nest, and read, and dream about who I wanted to be. I experienced a lot vicariously through the books I read. Louisa May Alcott, girl of old Boston. Anne of green gables, Judy Blume books, Beverly clearly just to name a few. I never felt lonely with them. I felt like i was with them, living all of their adventures too.

One of my favorite books as a kid was, “the monster at the end of this book.” By Jon Stone, illustrated by mike smollin. I still have my copy. It’s ripped cause I got overzealous about guarding Grover from the outcome. The synopsis is simple. Grover, the monster you see above, was nervous about getting to the end of the book, because he had heard that there was a monster there. He wasn’t into it. He was afraid of monsters. So the whole book was about getting us, the reader, to stop reading, and to stop turning the pages. Well, to me, that was all he had to say. I loved Grover, and I used to argue that we should adhere to his advice, and not turn the pages. Well, the adults reading it with me decided we should, even at my insistence, so we continued. I won’t give the end away, but it’s pretty great. The fear that Grover had throughout the entire book? Unfounded. But, the fear he had during the process of the book... real.

What we feel, is real to us, whether it’s founded in reality or not. So why not choose to love, and to feel peace in the moment, as opposed to not? Grover is my hero in a lot of ways. He loves sooooooo much, and he’s not embarrassed or ashamed to show it, no matter how nutty he gets, or what anyone has to say about him. He is steeped in the knowing of love. And his life is the product of that love. I don’t know what his apartment or house looks like, but I picture it really cozy, with lots of love surrounding him.

Grover will always be my first love. But I have lots of other loves. People are good, and I love them. And some need more love shown to them than others, and that’s ok too. Sometimes love isn’t 50/50. In relationships some need more, depending on how they feel within themselves. Maybe it’s 80/20, or even 100/0. But eventually the love balances out. Because the love you can give to another, pays you back too. The love we all share, is the love that’s real. The rest, can go scratch. That’s not a Grover thing to say, but it’s my truth.

Sometimes I get pissed when people don’t show me the same love, giving or consideration that I show them. But I’m starting to realize that it all comes out in the wash. Love is an energy that is never ceasing. And Jimi Hendrix the awesome guitarist likened it to, “going to the well”, and replenishing. See, that’s love. Love, God, the universe, spirit, however you want to define it, it’s ultimately the same thing. Love is, the energy of evolution. It’s the movement to more. It’s the creation of life, and its ever present expansion. So why not create a world from within, that you want to experience?

Life isn’t always going to present you the exact same thing you’re asking for, but how you decide to react to it, is what you’ll end up getting out of it, no matter what. So things can suck sometimes. It’s true. The contrast, (meaning the ass things you may experience in life) is there for you to learn what you do like, and either focus on that, or more of the lamenting of the ass thing that’s been dealt. See, life is really cool like that. When an ass thing occurs, it’s only at the moment it actually occurred. But it’s our choice whether to stay in the moment or not.

Grover and I dig each other a ton. He’s my guy. I will always love him, no matter what. So I’ve decided that if he ever does show up to my house, and throat punch me, we’ll still be cool afterwards, cause I trust and love him. Will I fight back? Probably. But the point is is that the throat punch is a moment in time, and the rest, would be up to me, and the police after they’ve been called to break up the brawl. I kid. Grover and I will never go there. Because of the respect and love we have for one another, it would never escalate to that point.

Talking things out? Not my forte as of late. I’ve fallen out with so many people in the last 6 months it’s kind of insane. But I’m also human, and in need of love and understanding with my process of hurt. And I’m forgiving myself, and accepting my own apologies from the ones I didn’t get from others. Self love allows for that. It takes care of you when you find that the outside doesn’t.

So the next time you’re feeling alone and lonely, think about Grover, and what he does to take care of himself. He does the things he loves, and focuses on loving things. I promise you, the more you practice that, the easier it will be to be happy alone, and with other people too. ❤️

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phoenixfox56 · 3 years

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What Are Friends For?

Rating - Mature (For suggestive themes)

Note - I wholeheartedly believe Leo and Bertrand were good friends before Leo abdicated and Bertrand was still fun.

Prompt - Day 23 @choicesdecemberchallenge ‘Friendship'

Summary - Bertrand needs a little help with a surprise anniversary gift for Savannah. He knows the perfect person to help him ... Leo!

Word Count - 1,717

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I was pacing my study uncharacteristically. I couldn't sit still. My thoughts were running through my mind and yet I kept hitting a brick wall.

"It must be perfect." I mumbled to myself. I paused realizing how Maxwell I must have looked. I moved over to my desk. With an exaggerated sigh I sat, placed my forearms on my desk and rested my head in my hands. I had to slow down. Take it step by step. I knew I was going to have trouble but I never thought it would be this bad. I could plan the whole day, yet for the life of me could not end the evening. Then I had a thought.

"Maybe I should get help. But who could help me with something like this? Someone who understands the situation. Someone who know me well enough. Someone who could keep it to themself. A master at the art of seduction."

That's when it hit me. I picked up my phone and dialed the number. After a couple rings he picked up.

"Hello Leo."

"Hey Bert. What's new?"

I ignore the use of a nickname.

"I could really use your assistance. Could you possibly come by Ramsford at your earliest?"

"Anything for you pal. I'll be right over."

I could almost hear the smirk on his face. I hang up and placed my phone down. I groan and drop my head again.

"I'm going to regret this." I thought ruefully.

A few hours later I greeted Leo in the driveway.

"There he is!" He proclaimed. I put my hand out to shake his but he instead wrapped me in his arms. I stiffened in his embrace. Not much of a hugger, I patted him a couple times on the back until he released me.

"So, what's going on? You seemed desperate over the phone."

"Please, let us discuss this in the study." I escort him to my study. Stepping aside to let him walk in before me, I shut the door behind myself. Before I have the door fully closed Leo already has a drink in his hand. He drops into a chair as I take my own.

"Okay. I'm in the study. Want to tell me what's going on now?"

"First I must ask that you keep this whole thing to yourself. Promise me you will not tell anyone I sought your assistance for this particular task." I ask sternly. Leo and I have known each other since we were young boys. I am very aware of the way he handles situations. I know his tells. So I study his face intently awaiting his answer.

"Of course Bert. You have my word. Cross my heart and all that." He shrugs nonchalantly, taking a sip of his drink. My eyes narrow at him.

"Secondly, my name is Bertrand. If you don't plan on using my proper title you can at least use my proper name."

"Aaaaaand we are off to a great start already. I don't think you asked me here to school me on your name."

"Fine. Here it is ..." I pause. An unwillingness to proceed halts my actions. I must do this. Just get it out there and get it over with.

"Savannah and I's one year anniversary is in a couple of days and I wanted it to be perfect. I have a whole romantic day planned. I want to end the day a little more... Intimately. But I seem to be falling short on that front. Hence why I have asked you here." I took a breath. He looked back at me with widened eyes for a second. Then lifted his glass for another sip. His eyes still trained on me. I saw the corner of his mouth twitch upwards. I glared at him. He was clearly trying to hide his amusement at my request. He finished his glass and took a large breath before answering.

"Alright. Alright, I understand. This is important. Why don't you break down the day first. What have you put together so far?" He sat forward looking at me earnestly. It made me relax a little.

"Maxwell and Riley have agreed to take Bartie for a couple nights. That clears the entire day for us to have together. I have breakfast set to be delivered to her in bed. Then I have scheduled a private tour of the new exhibit at the art museum. We will have a picnic in the park, take a stroll through the shopping district, and when we return I have a grand dinner planned on the back veranda. Then, this is where your help would be implemented." I was racking my brain for an idea. The perfect end to a day that means everything to me. Leo stares at me for a few seconds. Seeming to be in thought.

"Okay, next we need to figure out a theme. Or something she is interested in. Or something special to both of you. Can you think of anything like that?"

"Uh... Well. Hmm..." I felt utterly foolish. How could I not answer those questions.

"Here how about this, you want something to symbolize your wedding? Something that represents the two of you?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Your wedding was in Texas? At the Walker ranch, Where Savannah spent some time as a child?"

"Yes, and?.."

"Isn't it obvious?" I looked at him blankly, hoping he would understand my silence. He seemed to take the hint and continued.

"We are going to make you a sexy cowboy." He was smirking. I hated that smirk and he knew it. It got us into trouble many times when we were younger.

"That sounds all well and good but I wore traditional cowboy garb leading up to our wedding day."

"Oh no. You don't seem to be understanding. There wont be anything traditional about this. I doubt we will find anything on premise either. So let us go to a little shop I happen to know of and get you all suited up. I'll explain my idea on the way."

I huffed but reluctantly agreed. If anyone knew these things it would be Leo. I had to trust him. As we rode to a store I could have sworn was an abandoned building he told me the plan. After the dessert course I was to excuse myself. I would change into whatever it is Leo finds and return back to Savannah on horse. After that Leo explained how I would have to wing it depending on Savannah's reaction. It made me nervous not knowing precisely what I should do but I tried to implement some faith in myself. For now, I steeled myself for this little adventure. We walked around the small store, Leo looking more intently than I. He seemed to be on a mission, while I was just trying to hide the fact that my face was as red as a Cordonian ruby apple. There was so much lace this and see through that. Straps and ropes and chains, it was a bit much for me. Luckily Leo knew where he needed to look. He found something he thought suitable. I on the other hand was unconvinced. He picked out what appeared to be equestrian chaps, a cowboy vest and some rope. He tried getting a ridiculous cowboy hat but I luckily still have mine. We stopped at one more location for a pair of boots he seemed to believe I needed to really "Complete the look." I reminded myself that I asked for his help and to go with it.

When we returned back to the estate he gave me another rundown of what I should do and how. Quite frankly the whole thing made me nervous, but Leo was persistent and told me I would have no problems and to just go with it. Despite our differences I had to believe his words. He was one of the few people there for me most growing up. My decision to ask for his help meant something. So I nodded in agreement to his plan and walked him to his car.

"You got this buddy. I promise." He said as he grasped my hand firmly.

"Thank you old friend. Truly."

"Let me know how right I was."

"So long as this stays between us?"

"I won't tell a soul. " He smiled at me and got into the car. I watched as he drove off. A smile of my own tugging at the corner of my mouth.

The afternoon after our anniversary Maxwell and Riley arrive back with Bartie. I was in a pleasant mood as Leo's advice worked wonders. I was gathering a few refreshments in the kitchen when Riley approaches me.

"So Duke. I'm guessing yesterday went well."

"Absolutely and I can't thank you enough for watching Bartie."

"Oh it was no problem." She was looking at me with a wide grin. I eyed her suspiciously.

"Is there something on your mind?" I asked inquisitivly.

"Me? Oh no, not at all. I'm just impressed." The smiled came back as she continued.

"I mean, I heard there were horses and everything. You go Bertrand." She snapped her fingers and giggled as she returned to the others before I could say anything. When she was out of site I felt the anger rise.

"I told Leo not to tell anyone. He promised me he wouldn't. The whole court probably knew by now." I was fuming I went to get my phone just outside the room where the others were. I had to give Leo a peice of my mind for this. As I reached into my jacket and pulled out the phone I overheard Savannah talking. She was speaking in a low voice, but I made out a few words that definitely correlated with yesterdays events.

"That little minx." I thought as I calmed down at the realization.

I jumped a little as I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Maxwell staring at me.

"What are you doing standing out here?"

"I was ..." I thought quickly.

"Just grabbing my phone." With that we walked into the room and sat with the girls. I opened my phone and sent a quick text.

"You were right. Thank you again."

Leo replied almost instantly.

"Anytime ;)"

#choicesdecemberchallenge20 #the royal romance #trr au #playchoices #pixelberry #trr fanfic #trr choices #leo rys #bertrand beaumont

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ducktracy · 4 years

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137. i love to singa (1936)

release date: july 18th, 1936

series: merrie melodies

director: tex avery

starring: tommy bond (owl jolson), billy bletcher (fritz owl, penguin), martha wentworth (mama), bernice hansen (fat chicken), joe dougherty (stuttering bird), tedd pierce (jack bunny)

a certified classic that almost everyone has either seen or at least heard of, and for good reason! tedd pierce, writer for mckimson, freleng, and jones, as well as inspiration for pepé le pew, makes his vocal debut as the voice of jack bunny (a very obvious take on radio show entertainer jack benny, who’d be parodied as jack bunny in a handful of cartoons such as slap happy pappy and goofy groceries.) the father owl was originally going to be voiced by bert lahr, who you may recognize as the cowardly lion from the wizard of oz, but was changed to bletcher instead. a parody of the al jolson movie the jazz singer, little owl jolson is born into a musical family that forbids any jazz. kicked out for breaking the strict family rule, owl finds solace in jack bunny’s radio show, where his talents shine—much to the bewilderment of his parents.

pan into a lovely shot of a quaint little home in a tree trunk, trees creating a framing in the foreground as butterflies flit along. a serene home that can do no wrong. a sign in the shape of a violin is posted just above the door: prof. FRITZ OWL teacher of “VOICE, PIANO, & VIOLIN” BUT— pan down to a sign below it, painted in all red letters: NO JAZZ!

tex playful as ever with his transitions as we peer through the keyhole of the door. professor fritz (not friz!) owl himself paces nervously in front of his wife, nesting on eggs while observing her anxious husband. the underscore is a fitting medley of solfeggios. fritz approaches his wife solemnly, who stands up and checks to see if her eggs have hatched yet. nothing but a sympathetic shake of the head.

time lapses, as we see from the rug below fritz’s feet. he’s paced so much that he’s worn it into the ground and then some—tex liked to play around with simple time lapses, a changing background the only indicator of passing time while the animation itself stays the same. once more, fritz returns to his wife. this time, we hear faint knocking. they both observe, and his wife is now beaming and nodding expectantly. the big moment at last! she crawls out of her nest, and fritz takes a conductor’s wand, tapping each egg gently. each makes a strong, reverberating ring of a bell. music to his ears... save for the last one, who creates a jangly dissonant sound instead. fritz and his wife exchange bewildered looks, fritz tapping on the egg again for confirmation. still a dud. very clever use of sound effects by treg brown.

before fritz can mull on his dud for too long, the first egg hatches. a mini owl version of himself dons a sharp suit, singing a beautiful rendition of “chi mi frena in tal momento” from the opera lucia di lammermoor. fritz is absolutely delighted, cooing “ah, what a fine voice! a caruso!” (of course referring to italian tenor enrico caruso) the next egg is set to hatch, this time the owl playing robert schumann’s “traumerei” on violin. he too is met with praise: “what sweet music, a fritz kreisler!” third egg hatches, the owl touting a flute and playing felix mendelssohn’s “spring song”, fritz appropriately commenting “a lovely melody, a mendelssohn.”

and, of course, the final egg. wonderful incongruity and juxtaposition as owl jolson pops out of the egg, blaring red suit and all, informally greeting “hullo, strenza!” “hello, strenza!” was a popular catchphrase at the time and yiddishism for “hello, stranger!”, originated from jack benny’s character schlepperman. appropriate considering jack bunny serves as an important character in the cartoon. owl thusly launches into the eponymous “i love to singa”, written by harold arlen and e. y. harburg (who both worked on the music for the wizard of oz) and featured thrice in 1936’s the singing kid. criminally catchy and a lethal earworm to all... except father fritz.

“ach, a jazz singer! a CROONER! stop! STOP! STOP!!!” fritz is horrified, tearing his feathers out in agony, only pausing to catch his wife, struck unconscious from the horrible thought of her child becoming the next bing crosby. fritz fans her awake, desperately reassuring “listen mama, if he must sing, we will teach him to sing like we want him to.” a sensible plan, right?

apparently not. owl is desperately uncomfortable and unhappy as he begrudgingly sings “drink to me only with thine eyes”, his mother oblivious to his plight as she accompanies him on piano. she pauses to turn the page, and owl gives a quick, hurried, whispered rendition of “i love to singa” behind her back. haven’t we all done that before? personality is very strong in this cartoon, and that’s what sells it, even more than the song itself. mama resumes her playing, and owl resumes his torture session. fritz walks in the doorway to admire his converted son, beaming. owl is unaware of his father’s presence, and as his mother pauses to turn the page he sings some more jazz, but it doesn’t go unnoticed.

bob clampett animates fritz kicking owl out of the house, groveling “enough, it’s too much! out of my house, you hotcha, you crooner! you falsetto! you jazz singer! you... you...YOU..!” fritz is red-faced, sputtering and struggling desperately to find the perfect insult. instead, he opts for slamming the door shut. a pause. he opens it back up and quips “PHOOEY!” before slamming it back shut. perfect comedic timing for a gag that will be used in many a cartoon.

owl is frustrated at first, sardonically introducing to the camera “that’s mein pop.” nevertheless, his mood changes in an instant as he realizes he’s free to sing all the jazz he wants. he strolls along, happily singing his favorite song. a much happier scene than indoors, where mama tearfully suggests that fritz was being “a bit too hasty.” back outside, where owl is strolling along gaily as ever, whistling all the way. there’s a beautiful pan with trees and scenery overlaying in the foreground. you get the sense that everything is going to be just fine, that the world is worth singing about. a very positive and upbeat yet subtle scene. inside once more, where mama calls the police in tears to search for her missing child.

the happy go lucky expedition of owl jolson is put to a halt when he hears a harmonica. it’s coming from a building with a line in front of it: RADIO STATION G-O-N-G. below it: AUDITIONS TODAY. various people are given the boot, the telltale gong sounding as they’re plummeted down a slide and out into the cruel world. owl is enticed, and hurries to join the line.

a few animals perform their failed auditions: a few birds on a flute and saxophone each, another on the accordion, a penguin singing “laugh, clown, laugh” (which daffy would sing in both yankee doodle daffy and duck soup to nuts, both freleng cartoons), a fat chicken singing “i’m forever blowing bubbles” (which was featured in sinkin’ in the bathtub! shows you how far we’ve come)... all of the potential candidates get gonged by a caricature of jack benny (jack BUNNY), and they’re all sent plummeting through a bottomless chute. the fat chicken is so plump that she gets stuck in the chute, and bunny has to give her an extra thwack on the head to get her to go down. very amusing timing.

back at home, mama and fritz are both listening to the radio for an update on their son. mama exclaims tearfully, “i wonder if they found my little boy...” and in a bit of tex avery genius, the radio announcer answers in a deadpan voice “no we didn’t, lady.” a staple that would be used in many a cartoon!

at the radio station, joe dougherty voices a hayseed, stuttering bird with an overbite (a parallel to his role as a hayseed, stuttering dog with an overbite in into your dance) struggling to recount the tongue twister of simple simon. after awhile, the bird gets tired of his OWN act, muttering “oh well, shucks.” and hitting the gong himself and tugging on the rope that would send him into oblivion. elsewhere, a bird reads a telegram out loud, delivered by the telegram boy. she pronounces each “stop” (as i mentioned in my last review, since there is no morse code equivalent to a period, telegrams would use “stop” instead), and we pan over to owl jolson and jack bunny. however, the bird continues to read each stop, growing louder and louder, and we pan back over to see the telegram boy repeatedly attempting to hug her while she keeps shouting “stop!” ain’t sexual harassment funny??? in terms of technicality, it’s a very well structured gag, but is in poor taste and doesn’t feel as funny as it should.

nevertheless, jack bunny asks “well, what’s your name, son?” owl eagerly hands him his very own card, proudly displaying the words “owl jolson” in red ink. he gives a happy salute, and thus formally starts the musical number. it’s been rumored that singer johnnie davis provided the singing voice, but i don’t think that’s true. it still sounds like bond to me, and even when i heard him singing in my green fedora as peter i knew he voiced owl jolson right away, connecting it back to this scene. i could be wrong! but i doubt they hired a separate person for singing. nevertheless, as i’ve repeatedly mentioned, the song is criminally catchy and the animation is cute and fun. bunny is immediately impressed, his defensive glower melting into a gleeful grin.

mama catches wind of her own son back at home, hearing his voice singing on the radio. once more, bob clampett animates mama dragging her entire family outside, happily declaring “it’s him at the radio station!” owl has clearly won bunny’s heart, already displaying the hearty first prize trophy on his desk while he dances along ecstatically to the music.

at long last, the owl family arrives at the station, and they can hardly believe it. everyone crowds around the window outside, peering inside with awestruck disbelief. just as owl as surely clinched the award, he catches a glance of his family and freezes up immediately. now terrified and fearing the worst, he reverts back to his nasally rendition of “drink to me only with thine own eyes”. bunny can’t believe it, even pausing to take his cigar out in disbelief as he ogles at his star pupil. he shoves aside the first prize trophy, ready to pounce.

thankfully, the owl family notices this and they all rush inside. just as bunny is about to call it a day, raising the faithful hammer, fritz cries “STOP! STOP! STOP!!!” he rushes to his previously disavowed son, once more repeating “enough, it’s too much!” but in an entirely different context. a very clever parallel. slowly he attempts to coerce owl back into his song, urging him that it’s okay. “you want to singa! about your moon-a and your june-a and your spring-a, go on and singa!”

hesitant at first, owl picks up his rendition, and in no time things are back to normal. a relieved and ecstatic jack bunny snags the first prize trophy and hands it to owl, shaking his hand. a very endearing, happy, ultimately feel good scene as the entire owl family dances behind their star, the entire family giving one last chorus of “we love to sing!” iris out... leaving the first prize trophy on the black screen. owl pries the iris open and collects his prize, irising out for good (a gag that would be recycled in another avery cartoon, porky’s garden, though porky angrily pries his cash prize away from the clutches of a greedy gardener instead).

a lot to unpack, but all you need to know: a great short that is absolutely worth the watch. if you haven’t seen it already, watch it! if you have, watch it again! one of those cartoons that everyone knows or has at least heard of. do i think this is tex’s best cartoon? probably not. but i DO think this is a major turning point for warner bros. tex saved the studio by shunning the disney attitude instead of adopting it, and this cartoon reflects that. a strong, solid plot with amusing gags (such as the radio bit) would eventually become the norm for the upcoming cartoons. the songs were really beginning to be put on the back burner, and eventually dropped altogether—i don’t have an official date for the last merrie melody to feature a song, but probably anywhere from 1938 to 1939.

i argue that the success of this cartoon lies in the personality moreso than the song. absolutely the song is a big contributor. very catchy, fun to sing, and one that everyone knows. but i don’t think the cartoon is great just BECAUSE of the song. many of the merrie melodies have a lot of great songs, but have faded into obscurity because of weak plots or personality. when was the last time you saw someone lauding harman and ising’s we’re in the money? a very popular song no doubt, but it isn’t held to the same candle as i love to singa because the personality is so staunch. no memorable characters or emotions or motivations or what have you.

all of the personalities are strong, subtle or not. owl has a strong personality, even though 90% of his dialogue is singing. where he begrudgingly sings “drink to me only with thine eyes”, glaring and moping, kicking his feet or making mocking expressions, pausing to give a few breathless verses of “i love to singa”... strong personality. fritz owl has a very strong personality, if not overbearing. 10 seconds into the cartoon and you already know he hates jazz, holding so much contempt for it that he has a sign outside of his house to advertise it. the mother another strong figure, caring deeply for her son and even calling the police to get her son back. even jack bunny, who only says one line in the entire cartoon. it’s obvious he’s fed up with listening to the same old amateur hour acts, and his genuine glee at the freshness of owl’s act feels real and relatable. pair all this with a catchy song and you have yourself a deal.

i think, at the same time, this follows the formula of a lot of tex’s merrie melodies at the time, and i suppose it may be just a bit (for lack of a better term) overrated. not in a bad way, but it isn’t STAUNCHLY different from other merrie melodies tex has been pumping out. but with that said, it’s still a classic and a great short that you certainly need to watch. it’s definitely a spirit raiser.

link!

#lt #i love to singa #reviews #long post #avery

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mychemicalficrecs · 4 years

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Gerard Works in Comics

A New Design For X and Y by DeadFreddie, Frank/Gerard, 6k, Explicit. Frank Iero is the frontman in a successful band called Leathermouth, and Gerard Way is a comic writer working for DC. When they meet at one of Frank's shows, their mutual respect for the other's work becomes something a lot more personal. Oh and Frank's a trans guy and Gerard's nonbinary because I'm Trans And I Make The Rules.

Mixed Bathing at Home by Bexless, Frank/Gerard, 7k, Teen And Up Audiences. it is a pointless AU where gerard writes comics and frank is in leathermouth, but there is no mcr. gerard gets his toe stuck in a faucet and frank rescues him.

Transatlanticism by tabulaxrasa, Frank/Gerard, 21k, Explicit. Gerard's a comic book writer living in London. Frank works for a record label and has a band in New York. The problem with meeting in the middle is there's a whacking great ocean there.

They Came From Outer Jersey! by thatsfinewithus, Gen, Frank/Gerard, 25k, Rated R. New London Fire is an elite fringe government force assigned the task of protecting the earth from some of its more interesting threats: those from beyond the atmosphere or even the universe. They've handled dangerous cases before, but they've never seen anything like...ZOMBIES FROM SPACE. Vampires, long hunted in lore and legend, are now the earth's only saviors. There is little information as to who sent the creatures until Mikey Way, head of the NLF, finds out more by being abducted. Is it too late for him? Is it too late for the earth? Find out how six vampires, one government general, and one frustrated comic book artist save the earth in...THEY CAME FROM OUTER JERSEY!!

Still Crazy After All These Years by noxeir, Frank/Gerard, 822 words [WIP], Not Rated. Frank doesn’t think it’s crazy. He doesn't know. Maybe he’s crazy. Maybe he’s crazy to still love his English teacher. Former English teacher, he corrects himself. Frank has just resigned himself to the fact that he's hopelessly in love, but with the wrong person when then the local comic shop has a signing with Gerard Way, and Frank can’t not go.

Like sticking a fork in an electrical outlet by aliceboleyn, Frank/Gerard, 6k [WIP], Mature. Gerard is a successful comic writer in desperate search for inspiration and Frank is a dissatisfied 26 year old attempting to express what's inside him. A poem which sounds a lot like a cry for help will tie them together, for, after all, destiny does work in mysterious ways.

Don't Try (Please, please, please try) by semataryeyes, Frank/Gerard, 5k [WIP], Explicit. Gerard is living in New York City working for a company writing comics while nursing a drug habit on the side. He breaks up with his long term boyfriend, Bert, causing him to go to the only person he knows won't refuse him, his brother Mikey. Little does Gerard know that Mikey has a roommate, and he is everything pure in the world bundled up into the enigma that is Frank Iero.

A Pale Galaxy Colliding In Crystal Balls by theloudestgraves, Frank/Gerard, 11k [WIP], Teen And Up Audiences. Frank knew Mikey had an older brother. His name was Gerard, and apparently he was out of art college and working for a comic book company. Frank never expected to meet him, and he guessed he was alright with that. But one day, Mikey said, “I think it’s time you met Gee.”

Get up, get out and be social (Frerard) by Rachel_Carter, Frank/Gerard, 5k, Not Rated. Gerard is working on an art assignment in a coffee shop where he meets Frank, a pre-med student. When Frank gives Gerard his phone number, their relationship develops.

stitched up heart by 10rings, Frank/Gerard, 2k, Mature. Gerard was born unlike most, he doesn't feel entirely normal until he meets the short tattooed cashier at his local grocery store.

It's Raining Men (Hallelujah) by thisishowidisappear, Frank/Gerard, 849 words, General Audiences. Frank is getting sick of being single. Luckily for him, the perfect guy is just around the corner. Or, you know, up a tree

Hold On Tight and Don't Look Back by romanticizingchemicals, Frank/Gerard, 48k, Explicit. The whole concept of "love at first sight" is ridiculous. Absolutely untrue. Blasphemy, Okay, maybe not for Frank and Gerard. Gerard Way is an aspired comic artist, with a desire to do big things. Living with his brother, though, really prohibits him from making much of a change. Frank Iero is a man of many talents; from guitar to singing to working his several jobs, Frank really is a "Jack-of-all-trades". He's just recovered from a very abusive relationship, but hides its effects very well. When the two meet, you have your average love story. But soon enough, that relationship evolves into something more. Hopeless crushes and glimpses of each other turn into something both of them could have never imagined.

Cruise ships and comic books by Leah_Red, Frank/Gerard, 2k, Teen And Up Audiences. Hermit comic book artist Gerard Way decides to finally get away from home and go on a cruise, where he finds that one of the staff has a look that's too amazing to not draw.

Two Dreams Came True that Day and Gerard hadn't even Known about the Second One by wellthisisprettyrisque (collettephinz), Ryan/Brendon, Frank/Gerard, Ray/Mikey, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, 5k, Teen And Up Audiences. Gerard Way had been one of those types-- One of the few people who had been in complete and utter denial concerning the apparent “death” of Cpt. Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America. Gerard Way had known, without a shadow of a fucking doubt, that Captain America was still (somehow) alive, and then, lo and behold, he was right. Now his brother, Mikey, was dating a robotics engineer that worked in Stark Tower and Mikey had invited Gerard to tag along in an official tour of the building and everything inside and rumor had it that Steve Rogers was actually living in Stark Tower and Gerard was absolutely fucking certain that his dream of meeting Captain America-- alive and in the flesh and not a museum exhibit-- was about to come true. (and let's be real, a celebrity-crush on Steve Rogers has to be the healthiest celebrity crush you could ever have on anyone)

The Hairdressers!AU by messitallup, Frank/Gerard, 11k, Explicit. Gerard really, really didn't need his hair cut okay, it was fine. In his opinion anyway.

Schizophrenia {A Frerard Story} by Shadow_Hunter_8, Frank/Gerard, 14k [WIP], Teen ANd Up Audiences. Gerard Way and Frank Iero have been dating since high school. Their lives seem perfect. Gerard is a comic book artist, while Frank works as a teacher. Their love for each other is so strong, they're sure that nothing can tear down their relationship. Then Gerard gets diagnosed with schizophrenia. Frank, having taken a psychology course in college, is determined to take care of Gerard instead of sending him to an institute. But as Gerard's condition worsens, will Frank be forced to admit that he isn't prepared to care for him?

Trying To Escape The Inevitable by Transboywitcher, Frank/Gerard, 60k [WIP], Mature. Gerard is an absent minded comic artist who looses his daughter in the supermarket. Frank is an over worked check out attendant with too many bands and too little sleep who helps him find her. Somehow idiots fall in love. ~“You know this happens all the time right?” Frank asked, ducking down to check under the produce bins, he’d found a whole group of kids eating a packet of skittles colour by colour under there once, like some kind of weird new age lord of the flies shit. Supermarkets man, you saw fucking everything.~

The one where Frank's a journalist and Gerard's an artist by theghostofvenom, Frank/Gerard, 6k, Teens And Up Audiences. Frank's a journalist and has to interview a Mr. Gerard Way; comic book artist. They fall in love over a cup of coffee.

Like a Fish Out of Water (You Drown in the Air) by art_brutal, 6k, Mature. Gerard's a washed-up comics writer more in thrall to the party circuit than creating art. It's going to take something or someone extraordinary to turn him around.

Half Of Something Else by fleurdeliser, tuesdaysgone, Frank/Grant/Gerard, 58k, Explicit. Frank left New Jersey for LA because of music, and staying was always just a means to an end. He never anticipated that the industry where he'd get his foot in the door would be comics, or that he'd be working as the one and only Grant Morrison's personal assistant. Comic artist Gerard Way is both a reminder of the place he left behind and a chance for something more. Problem is, Frank has started to see Grant as much more than just a boss…

The second one (or: Adventures at JerseyCon) by mwestbelle, Bob/Gerard, 20k, Explicit. Bob is a good personal assistant (the best) and he definitely knows better than to fall in love with his boss. But when your boss is the goth-pop comic master of our time, Gerard Way, there's more to the job than keeping a datebook. There are appearances to shepherd him to, showers to make him take, and deadlines to remind him to meet. And, really, he's so earnest, it's not that surprising that a crush might develop. Just at tiny one.

#frank/gerard #ray/mikey #frank/grant/gerard #bob/gerard #alternate universe #comics #fic rec list

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snkpolls · 5 years

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SnK S3E18 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 381 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 363 Responses

This was considered a very emotional episode for many viewers, but also highly praised. A majority 86.8% of viewers rated the episode 5/5, with only a few less thrilled viewers.

beautiful episode

Attack on Feels at its finest yet again

It felt slightly underwhelming, but I don't think it couldn't have been considering how great the previous episode was

I cried so much, but I liked it a lot.

Brilliant and excruciating

the most emotionally impactful episode for me so far. it was perfectly done

Awful, fast-paced, and just a statement that Araki wanted to get this out of the way before he could very probably put his eremika fillers. Him cutting out Reienr's tears is unforgivable. It lessens his relationship with bert when the fucking back-bump was a highlight of the OP.

Best of the season

Powerful episode with excellent voice acting.

It was absolutely perfect!

It was so emotional and dramatic, this show keeps getting better and better

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE? 371 Responses

A number of notable moments split the chart into several nearly even pieces. In fact, 16.2% of respondents could not decide their favorite moment. 12.7% did favor watching Levi make his final choice, with Levi and Hange saying their goodbyes to Erwin, Hange’s speech, and the 104th holding Armin in the 9%’s.

Shirtless Armin really waters my crops

This episode was DEVASTATING. OnoD had only one line, but even that one, all soft and weak that made the Commander sound so *human*... I was practically sobbing. And the look on Levi's face just. Just ended me.

Eren and Mikasa's pain was beautifully done. Kaji Yuuki is an absolute marvel, his voice is always dripping with emotion and Eren's pain brought me to tears, too. Not to mention Mikasa's wail...

WHICH SEIYUU WAS THE MVP THIS EPISODE? 366 Responses

Of course, such emotional performances should be credited to the talented voice acting. 36.6% of respondents believe all of them deserve equal praise. 25.1% thought Eren’s seiyuu, Yuki Kaji, was MVP for this episode, followed by 17.8% Yui Ishikawa, who plays Mikasa.

Thanks to the voice actors it had more impact than the manga. I cried for Levi, who had to make the hardest decision of his life.

Yoooo i made a post on reddit appreciating Zeke's VA but he didn't get included in the VA list ;_;

i am a hardcore dub over sub person and yuki kaji had me in tears. SUPER phenomenal voice performance in this episode, jesus christ.

Might’ve been the best ensemble voice acting I’ve ever seen in anything and that included movies. Eren’s, Mikasa, and Levi’s performances were phenomenal. Also, Erwin and Bertholdt’s voiceactors made their deaths that much more impactful.

Great VA work. Growing increasingly attached to floch character because his VA is so good.

Regarding the voice actors this episode, everyone did an awesome job and I expect EreMika to take top place. I chose Hange though because this episode showed new sides of her and it felt like she had a bigger variety of emotions to display. From the relentless wish to kill a titan, which was something uncharacteristic of her usual self, to the strong and determined ""It was my decision"" and then her desperate and vulnerable speech, and finally, her worn-out ""He's already dead."

I may have said all the voice actors were MVP this episode(they are tbh lol added a lot to this already emotional episode) but Mikasa's crying omg I FELT THAT

Hands down to the voice actors this episode, man. They deserve all the praise they can get. 🙌

THIS EPISODE HAD A PROFOUND LACK OF BACKGROUND MUSIC. DO YOU THINK THIS WAS THE CORRECT DECISION ON THE PART OF THE ANIME TEAM? 369 Responses

The majority of the episode had minimal or no background music. 71% of respondents were especially supportive of the decision, with 19.2% who were simply content. The rest would have preferred some more soundtracks or didn’t even notice at all.

It was a great decision, we could focus on what was the most important during those scenes - pure emotion in an outstanding performance by the VA's.

I feel like a track could've been placed during Hange's speech, but otherwise I liked the silence

thanksArminTitan ruined everything

It creeped me out so much. Awful yet good

It was great. But it could also have been great with music so I don't know if it was a good choice.

The silence made it feel eerie, you were able to hear the sizzling body in the background.

THE LACK OF AN OP WAS AN EXCELLENT DECISION. JUST HEARING SHIGASHINA BURNING? EXCELLENT DECISION.

This episode destroyed me! I was nearly in tears during the whole episode and finally shed tears once the music started playing at the end 😭

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT HANGE’S SPEECH? 371 Responses

Hange’s monologue about loss tugged a lot of heart strings. 35.8% of respondents preferred seeing the flashback of Moblit’s sacrifice. 33.2% liked everything Hange had to say, while 20.8% favored the hug between Hange and Mikasa.

WHO DO YOU FEEL WAS OBJECTIVELY THE BETTER PERSON TO REVIVE? 370 Responses

The decision between Armin and Erwin’s survival split the participants’ responses near evenly, though 47.3% thought the best objective choice was to revive Erwin, while 42.4% thought Armin was a better choice. (A small 10.3% thought neither were good options, you monsters!)

I want to say that depends on what sort of objectively we are looking for. Are we looking at it from an in character perspective? Then yes, I would've chosen Erwin. However, if we are looking at it from a story analysis/out of universe perspective, I feel Erwin should always have died, as Armin, in my opinion, has more potential for an additional narrative arc (though his character development would also have been perfect if he had died there) but also through Erwin's death, a lot more people gained new development (Levi, Hange, Armin obviously, Floche to some degree, to some degree the rest of the 104th) that I feel is much more important from a narrative point of view. This arc marks the moment where the status quo about the world is very violently shaken up, and Erwin's death does the same thing to the SC which I feel works best thematically.

OBJECTIVENESS ASIDE, WHO WOULD YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO REVIVE? 371 Responses

When it comes to personal preference, 70.1% of respondents would revive Armin, while 24% would have picked Erwin.

HOW DO YOU THINK ERWIN WOULD FEEL IF HE HAD BEEN PICKED INSTEAD OF ARMIN? 365 Responses

Had Erwin been chosen to receive the serum instead of Armin, 49.6% of respondents believe he would have mostly felt guilty. 25.8% believed Erwin would understand the final decision, while 15.3% think he’d be disappointed.

Accepting, but terribly sad, guilty and weary.

Happy to find out about the basement but once he confirmed his father’s theory, I think he would have preferred not being chosen.

Depressed. After the basement? Unmotivated and listless.

The first thing is he would want to go see the basement. After that, he'd continue to be crushed by his guilt and feel burdened with the responsibility of the titan power even though he no longer has a motivation to lead an army.

His speech made everyone go on a suicide charge with him, therefore after he would survive his guilt of fallen comrades would be unmeasurable. The charge was his final decision and his final redemption.

Erwin not only feel guilty at having been forced to live after coming to peace with his death, he would probably also come to resent Levi for breaking Erwin's trust by bringing him back.

Idk i feel he'd kinda be resentful like he was ready to die and he did value armin's skills so maybe he would view them killing off potential as a bad choice?

He would be suicidal like Reiner. Truth is Erwin wanted to die. And the basement reveal wouldn't make him happy. Like oh shit I found out the truth but now I have to worry about humans(Marley) instead of Titans now.

Very very tired. And saddened by Armin's death (cause the loss of potential, and I sorta feel Erwin does see his own younger self in Armin) but at the same time, it's also the same sadness over all the recruits that died. And again, that they died but he lived.

WHY DO YOU THINK LEVI INJECTED ARMIN INSTEAD OF ERWIN? 371 Responses

Multiple possibilities factored into Levi’s decision to pick Armin, though 45.8% of viewers believe it was mostly because Levi wanted to let Erwin rest. 42.6% believed it was a mix of all possible factors that played a role in his decision.

Erwin told Levi how he felt all his dead comrades were looking at him, Levi didn't want him to live with the guilt any longer.

I think ultimately, after Floch's speach Levi realized that Erwin was indeed becoming a monster and he didnt want him to go further down. But I also think that he cared for Armin and his dream enough that also played a part in his choice. He may have realized that he was being a hypocrite when he told Eren to set his feelings aside.

I believe that Levi wanted Erwin to escape this hellish world but also because he saw a more visionary future from Armin.

He realized Erwin gave up on his dream and made his mind to die but Armin hasnt and died while still longing for his dream. Plus he wanted him to rest from being a devil with guilt

Levi realized that Erwin had given all he had to give and that he’d only be bringing back an empty shell of who Erwin was. It would also be cruel to bring him back, as Levi explained.

He realized that Erwin and Kenny were both driven by the intoxication of their dreams, and wanted to set Erwin free from that.

Levi understood that Erwin's wish was to die there, at that moment when he was finally in tune with his words as a commander

Many factors influenced Levi's final decision. But I want to say something that suits better than simply saying "Levi chooses Armin". I mean, yes, he gave him the serum and the chance to be reborn to Armin, but I saw him more as if Levi chose Erwin as the best way for him, not for humanity. Both (and all) are slaves of a dream, a goal to achieve in their lives, and it is wrong to say that some dreams are more "good" or more valuable than others. Their lives cannot be measured by their actions, but by their souls. And Erwin soul was tired, full of pitty and guilt for how much soldiers and close friends died because "they gave their hearts" to him, their life and dreams for humanity, and every dead was a weight that fall in his shoulders, every mission, every year. And for Levi, Erwin is the most important person in his life, he knew all of his suffer. Erwin's death was the freedom for him, being freed of living in this hellsite and being called by the name of the devil. In summary, Levi decision was the most kind, empathetic and noble act in his life for Erwin. He loves this man so much, he needs to rest.

WHICH CHARACTER DO YOU FIND YOURSELF MOURNING THE MOST? 370 Responses

Three long-term character deaths happened in this episode. 58.4% of respondents grieved Erwin the most. Moblit was mourned by 18.9% of participants and 16.8% were more emotional for Bertolt’s demise.

Bertholdt deserved better 😔

I thought I got over Erwin’s death but haHA GUESS I WAS WRONG

RIP Erwin.

I feel almost cheated by having Bertl reduced to just titan fodder for the sake of pushing a protag’s story along.

F to Erwin

WHICH PART OF THE EPISODE GOT YOU CHOKED UP, IF AT ALL? 369 Responses

There were plenty of tearful moments that got viewers grabbing their tissues. Mikasa’s panicked crying when Levi was preparing to inject Erwin choked up 16.8% of participants the most. Levi’s reaction to Erwin’s death was the saddest to 13.3%, and 11.9% were emotional over Eren’s final plea to save Armin.

I teared up when Erwin died; I didn't realize the anime adaptation of Serumbowl would affect me so much. Kudos to the directors, VAs, animators, everyone for such an impactful episode

The episode was beautiful. It made me cry throughout most of it. The voice acting was amazing, especially Mikasa’s VA imo. Tons of respects for the VAs for delivering so much raw emotion and the animators’ amazing work on the visuals.

I'm not crying you're crying

Even if Eren and Mikasa were more demonstrative in their emotions, the one that made my heart broke is without hesitation Levi. His silent despair was much more poignant.

the "Which part of the episode got you choked up, if at all" made me insulted. I choked up the entire episode and this wasn't even a option.

I didn't cry like I did in the manga.

HOW WELL DID THE ANIME ADAPT THE CORRESPONDING CHAPTERS? 367 Responses

Overall, a majority of respondents believed the episode was very faithful to the manga with 80.4% rating at a near perfect score.

i wish the anime production team would realize that since anime ("film") and manga ("print") are two totally different media, you cant just adapt an anime episode "panel by panel" from a manga and have it be as good. it needs to be formatted for *anime*. such a lazy fucking way to go about adapting a show

Honestly this episode was emotionally exhausting, in a good way. The silence was a brilliant choice on the directors' part as it let the VAs raw emotion carry the episode. Character animation and expressions were also on point. Couldn't be happier with the adaptation of Ch.83-84.

IF LEVI HAD CHOSEN TO INJECT ERWIN, DO YOU THINK THAT THE CURRENT MANGA SITUATION WOULD BE AS DIRE? 370 Responses

It’s possible the events of the manga would have been different if Erwin were chosen instead of Armin. 24.9% of respondents the situation would be just as dire, 24.6% are not sure what would have happened, and 24.1% have faith in Erwin to come up with better strategies.

Armin will come through like he always does

His presence COULD have prevented a lot of factors, but this is just a guess, there is no guarantee he would change anything.

It would probably have been as bad, but Armin still has time to do something important.

Eren probably would've been a bit resentful over losing his best friend. Resulting in him going off on his own and being potentially more uncaring with the choices he makes

Would things be different if Erwin had been saved? I believe a lot of the shit that's going on in the manga right now is because cultists infiltrated the Survey Corps. I know Erwin is not perfect but his absence left a clear gap in their organization.

Hard to say. Grass is greener on the other side.

Just different. I don't think we can say that Erwin would've dealt with the current situation better because the current situation would not exist at all. From the moment of Erwin's death, the decisions became Hange's and her priorities shaped those. Erwin, from the start, would've made different decisions. Those may have led to the same situation occurring, those might have led to a whole different set of difficult circumstances. It is impossible to predict. Plus there is the Eren factor. We have Eren causing a lot of trouble for the SC right now, and that is an Eren who did get the revival of his best friend and his close companionship for a few more years. And Eren who lost Armin would've acted completely differently. Would he have resented the SC? Would he have even wanted to stay under the people who, in his eyes, killed Armin? Would anyone be able to talk him down. Would he strike out on his own more quickly and have another reason for potentially joining with Zeke? Maybe in a universe where Erwin was revived, sure, they would've had his experience and political savvy, but it is quite possible they would've lost Eren completely at a much earlier point. Does that lead to a better or worse situation? We literally cannot say.

I don't think there's a way to know for sure. Erwin stated that he wasn't sure what he planned to do after seeing Eren's basement, plus I'm not sure if he would have been able to handle any more guilt related to sending his soldiers to their deaths. Personally, I agreed with Levi when he said that Erwin deserved to rest.

No fucking Armin is useless as of now. That's what Hange was saying about leadership and insight. We could easily argue Isayama hasn't written anything for Armin, but you could also argue that attests to his lack of. Erwin wouldn't let Eren go rogue. The biggest question to ask all manga readers is whether Armin has done anything for humanity that Erwin couldn't have done thus far.

The situation inside the walls would definitely be a lot more organized, but when it comes to turning the tables on Marley, Armin seems to find the most creative ways to turn the tables on their enemies in a way that doesn’t leave a pile of corpses behind him the way Erwin does. The early part of this arc demonstrated what they lost with Erwin, but I believe it’s Armin’s turn to do something great again. And let’s be honest, it’s Eren’s fault that Armin hasn’t gotten the chance to do anything besides plan the Liberio reinforcements anyways.

EREN WAS UNABLE TO LET ARMIN GO, A SHOW OF HOW MUCH HIS FRIENDS ARE HIS WEAKNESS. DO YOU THINK HE STILL HARBORS THE SAME WEAKNESS TOWARDS THEM IN THE CURRENT EVENTS? 371 Responses

One of Eren’s biggest vulnerabilities is his attachment to his friends, although current manga events have displayed Eren’s less heartfelt treatment of his loved ones. 51.5% of respondents, however, still believe Eren harbors the same weakness for them now as he did back then. 25.6% aren’t quite sure, while 18.6% believe he has completely moved on.

He does care. He just isn’t weak about it. Or at least, he doesn’t show it. But he still wants to protect them.

I think only placing Armin or Mikasa in a deathly situation would descover If Eren still harbours feelings for them. In this point of the manga I believe Eren has forgotten all love and compassion and he needs a sparkle to remind them.

He grew up, so of course he has changed. But I still believe he cares about them, he just doesn't want them around rn and prefers to do this by himself.

Eren never really cared about his friends. He didn't wnat to let Armin go because he can't take no for an answer.

Some yes but I think he is influenced by so many previous titan shifters and the titans themselves it got kinda suppressed

Probably? Maybe he kept what happened here in mind in order to say the horrible things he did in Ch 112. I honestly hadn't thought of this before, that Eren himself would distance his friends because they were his weaknesses. :/

I don’t think Eren actually loves Armin, just what Armin symbolizes to him

Maybe a little but not as much

if we can believe what the message Isayama is making us read between the lines to see, yes, the 104th are his weakness and he is subjecting himself to be a terrible villain for their futures and freedom, 100%

HAS THE ANIME ADAPTATION OF THE SERUMBOWL™ CHANGED YOUR PERCEPTION OF EREN AND MIKASA IN THIS MOMENT? 367 Responses

When the Serumbowl chapters were first released, there were varying reactions to Eren and Mikasa’s actions. With years since then and the anime retelling, most viewers’ opinions remained unchanged, 69.5% of respondents say that they were always empathetic, while 10.1% are still indifferent, and 9.3% remain upset by their behavior.

I get where they were coming from, I still do. But I also still think they shouldn't have acted this way (neither of them, even Levi), but it was a tough and intense situation

It was badly animated and overacted so I cringed. But that’s not the characters’ fault

Eren was understandably sad but Mikasa proved her unlikability further with her need to resort to violence.

From their perspective, it was reasonable for them to feel that way. However, I felt disappointed that Erwin was going to die especially since I would have chosen him.

I understood their behavior, but they were in the wrong ( both versions)

Empathised before, but now moreso

It changed a bit from Eren side bc I was surprise by the ease he could have to rebel against someone he admire that much, but also Mikasa bc with a manga reader perspective, I saw that she wouldn't have killed none of Levi and Floch. But tbh I just thought "Oh waw, it's almost scary to see how well they get along when it comes to murder someone"

EreMika being emotional during the serumbowl. Well that is understandable but not excusable. I could argue that Levi was emotional too, his decision to revive Armin wasn't just because he wanted Erwin to rest but also because he thought Armin had a good, pure dream (otherwise he wouldn't have gotten all those flashbacks of Armin flailing about the sea). But EreMika only wanted their friend alive, with little consideration towards Humanity's chances of survival, and only after a long process of persuasion did Mikasa finally let go of Armin...while Eren still did not. That, coupled with the fact that Mikasa legit attacked their one and only best soldier because emotions...I cannot find their actions justifiable…

Eren action just screams childish and selfish just like a child who is throwing a tantrum and crying out loud when his demand wasn’t fulfilled. I understand he can’t helped it since it’s his precious friend but it just shows his immaturity and his inability to understand other people pains other than his own. I don’t see him putting his faith in Levi’s decisions nor others comrades’ when the decisions didn’t go the way he likes; he was angry, bitter, he even forced to take it away and threatening.

FLOCH HAS COMPARED BOTH ERWIN AND EREN TO A DEVIL. DO YOU THINK HE SEES THE SAME QUALITIES IN EREN NOW THAN HE HAD SEEN IN ERWIN? 369 Responses

Floch believes only a devil can defeat their enemies. With the current happenings of the manga, 73.4% of respondents believe Floch thinks Eren holds similar “monstrous” qualities that Erwin had, though 14.6% are not quite sure.

Maybe Floch in the Manga is trying to become the devil because he knows no one else will do it.

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SPLIT SECOND FLASHBACK OF ERWIN RAISING HIS HAND AT SCHOOL? 367 Responses

The anime added a brief transition scene of Erwin raising his hand at school. 52.9% of respondents enjoyed the addition and felt it helped show that Erwin was in a dreamlike state. 40.6% of viewers though it was a neat extra touch that added more impact to the moment. A small amount of viewers could have done without it.

I jumped when i saw that moment, that was a perfect decision, this episode is truly poetic cinema.

Essentially the second option, but I'd like to say that it wasn't just a "neat" addition, it was a heartbreakingly poignant one.

really makes you realize how much erwin was stuck in the past

I blinked and almost missed it, so if they were gonna add it, they should have made it a tad longer

Apparently this still wasn't enough for people to realize that this was Erwin hallucinating, and not him rejecting the serum.

I feel like Erwin overheard everything & willingly rejected the serum, but was just so out of it that he couldn’t form the right words to tell Levi his actual thoughts on the matter. I think it’s good writing, generally speaking.

I started sobbing

It was funny and silly actually

This scene was made in perfection. It showed Erwin’s hopes and dreams but also his big heroism and dedication to the cause.

iM NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING

NOW THAT WE KNOW MORE ABOUT BERTOLT, HAVE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT HIS DEATH CHANGED? 366 Responses

More information on Bertolt’s backstory was revealed later in the manga, which had 31.7% of respondents feel more pity for him when watching his death in the anime. 24.6% were always sad to see him die and 21% of participants felt more sad about it.

Didn't really change. On one hand i feel bad for him but i also really disliked him.

His death in the anime mirrored Marco's and seemed fitting

Nah, i didn't felt anything when he died, and even tho i am more empatethic and pit for with him rn, he still killed hundreds of people. It's good to understand the characters reasons (somethign wedon't have with Eren) but it's also a fact that his reasons don't erase what he did.

I felt bad for Bert's death before the Marley arc. But more of a disturbing pity way. Now I feel alot more sympathetic. However, he still deserved to die unfortunately.

In that moment I felt so bad and there are times when I do but in general I prefer Paradis to Marley. Though I understand what an awful situation they are in. The music and how it was carried out was heartbreaking tho.

His reaction just broke me, in the end he was left alone, with his own guilt and unfulfilment.

I am more sympathetic, but I still believe that he brought that onto himself.

I've always been ambivalent about Bert's death; I'm not happy to see him die but I'm not particularly sad either.

No, he's one of the characters the series could never get me to care much for.

Seeing Bertholdt’s death made me a lot more emotional than the manga. His reaction and voice acting really hit it home for me since I have a soft spot for him after reading the manga. RIP Bertie, despite the circumstances he couldn’t control he definitely deserved better :’(

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE ADDITION OF BERTOLT SMILING AS HE SPOTS HIS FORMER COMRADES? 368 Responses

The anime added a moment of Bertolt’s temporarily smiling when he saw his former comrades. 44.3% of participants thought the addition added more emotional impact to his death, and 28.5% of participants felt sorry for him. 14.9% were upset that Bertolt had the nerve to smile at all.

Dark as heck, I love it

After he clearly asked them to die, how could he think they would help him? (Granted, he was panicking and all but still...)

It was a good show that for a brief moment after regaining consciousness, he was back to thinking of his days as a solder and that his old friendship would save him, before realizing the gravity of the situation

Didn't notice until it was pointed out on Reddit; strange detail to add

It made the scene weirdly comedic

That moment of hope then realization did work emotionally, but I preferred the way it happened in the manga.

It wasn't a smile. More like a baffled-smile.

We all know that his actions were imposed, and the thought of them alone has traumatized the RBA trio. They have shown many times the guilt and need for forgiveness for everything they did. They don't deserve any of this, much less die in such a horrible way as being devoured alive! For me, Berthold was a background character, the boy who was always next to Reiner and that's all, but reviewing and watching more closely his evolution in the anime, even more his death, made me feel really bad for him. Berth deserved more attention in his life, more love and praise, because it is evident that his self-esteem was THAT LOW for all the comments that others gave, including Reiner, his best friend. Anyway, as I said in a post, the one who died was not the Colossal Titan, was a lonely, shy and noble teenager who just wanted to be loved.

I truly wish the survey corps were instead able to convert Bertolt and Reiner to their side instead of watching Bertolt die so brutally. The fact that he flashed a smile when he saw his former comrades really goes to show that he instinctively thought of them as his friends. Truly a sad addition to the anime. All he wanted was to be found.

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 366 Responses

From the preview scenes of the Basement, a majority 39.9% of participants anticipate the scene of Eren being unable to unlock the door with the key. 29.8% of respondents are most looking forward to Eren, Mikasa, Levi, and Hange approaching the basement. 13.7% are anticipating the scene where Armin learns about the sacrifices made to revive him.

I just need to see Eren's face trying so Hard to lift the bar that fell on top of his house and Mikasa and Levi just lift it like it is a feather.

Levi opening the basement's door with his foot is one of the best scenes of the whole chapter and no one will ever change my mind

THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS ABOUT A POSSIBLE ANIME-ONLY EM FLASHBACK SEQUENCE NEXT EPISODE TO MAKE SURE THE EPISODE ENDS WITH GRISHA AND FAYE LEAVING THEIR HOUSE. THOUGHTS? 367 Responses

There are rumors that the new episode will have an extended flashback with Eren and Mikasa. 60.8% of respondents are fine with the addition as long as it doesn’t detract from the manga material. Others are very excited about the flashback, don’t want the extra scenes, or don’t care.

As long as it contributes to what’s currently happening, I won’t have a problem with it.

I don't think anime has time for filler

The anime direly needs a breather episode to let people process the events of the last few episodes, and that would allow for it while also leading to an ending that brings in the next part of the story.

I dont like filler but if it's relevant and faithful to the story, why not

I like when they stick straight to the manga, but this will be interesting?

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

The anime deciding to work both 83 and 84 into an episode solved my biggest issue with Serumbowl just like that. By having both chapters flow into each other, the sense of urgency and chaos of the event actually resonated with me, rather that having lost that in the monthly wait between chapters. And I really appreciate that.

I was crying like a fuckin baby, this was amazing.

Wonderful episode. So much emotion. I was only disappointed to see that it removed the close-up shot of a crying Reiner. I believe it was the only scene of him ever shedding a tear since he became a warrior..

Hange may have suffered the most by losing her close friend/assistant and her close friend/commander + physically losing her left eye. She also has to step up to the mantle of being the new commander to fill the impossibly large shoes that Erwin left behind.

All the emotions I felt while watching this episode made me realise how much i am greatful for those who matter to me the most, this is why this episode was just the best.

Erwin will live forever in my heart. Best anime character

Sad that we didn't see Reiner crying.

I find it great that Bert's death was done in such a great way where whether you are a Manga or Anime-only viewer, you have tons of different conflicting opinions regarding Bert's death.

This episode was splendid, brilliant in every way, I just have to give a round of applause to the voice actors and animators who did this great work. And maybe for that reason and to relive these feelings already believed buried years ago, I thought about what things would have happened and not if another path had been taken. The death of Erwin was the breaking of everything. In that time (years ago) when I saw that Levi chose Armin, it was sad, VERY SAD, but I had faith that he would be the future and the hope to guide us to a better destiny, one without big conflicts and wise and transcendent decisions, but no. Until now Armin has not done much, almost nothing. The current situation of the government, the "betrayal" from Eren and genocide on Liberio, Historia waiting for the time to pass so that her son born and immediately introduce her to the curse that cost so much to get out, ingesting the Beast Titan from Zeke. All these factors make me think that if Erwin was alive none of this would have happened, his leadership and conviction are more necessary than ever now. And seeing it as a whole, more than the fact that Erwin is officially dead (I mean in anime and manga), it gives me even more pain and helplessness than before to see that maybe Levi's decision was not the right one. This feel of desolation also falls for Levi (ofc), Hange, Armin, Eren, Historia, in everyone! Perhaps if the situation had been different, maybe everything would be better, I don't know. However, I don't want to stop believing in Armin, if he was chosen is because he has a purpose to fulfill, perhaps being the new "Helos" that will stop this great war, I don't know either... We'll see it soon, I hope so.

Some of the timing in the animation was weird and irked me a little

"I read the manga, I know whats gonna happen, I'll be fine" - BOY WAS I WRONG! Cried like a bitch pratically the whole episode holy crap what a masterpiece this episode was

It was so so so so badly animated. It looked worse than the manga. The amount of completely still frames was absurd.

It feels like the end of an era. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch the anime the same way. After this, everything turns upside down, and everything seems tainted by the truth of their world. When I think like that I'm glad Levi let Erwin go when he did. Erwin would have thrived in the current events, for sure, but he would've hated it and himself for his part in it. I have no doubt Erwin would blame himself thoroughly for Armin's death, if he had been given the serum then.

Best episode of season 3 thus far. I feel like the art in this episode is the best out of any of them, mostly due to the fact that they probably brought back some of the season 2 staff to work their Close-Up-Facial-Shot-Magic™️. There was a lot of detail put into the faces of the characters this time around and I feel like that’s been lacking ever since season 3 started. I hope they stick around for the rest of the season.

As someone who is extremely neutral about Mikasa, this episode made me shed tears at the expression of utter pain she had when she accepted armin's death, 10/10 animation, how heartbreaking.

The last 3 episodes are the greatest Attack On Titan episodes ever. I just can't decide which one is the best. I am leaning on Hero, but both Perfect Game and Midnight Sun could easily take its place.

omg it was so good I died and thanked God that snk exists kjnhbdhcbdsapozkd

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 353 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated! We’ll see you again in a few days!

#snk spoilers #snk s3 #snk poll #snk polls #poll results

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