#and feel so helpless and so hopeless
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#so#I guess I need to vent bc I can’t handle my anxiety and isolation any longer ig#my mother has been in the hospital for a week now#she had pneumonia but then they found all these things#like a blood clot in the lung and stuff#and they said it was symptoms of long covid bc me and her got hit hard in 2021 with covid#and they put her on a lot of medication and ran a bunch of tests#and they said that from long covid#she has some damage to her heart#idk anything about medical stuff and she’s waiting on the cardiologist to go talk to her#but I am 2000 miles away#and feel so helpless and so hopeless#and i’m really close with my parents/the baby of the family#and I have had severe anxiety since she went in#and each day it gets worse bc tests show something new#and I literally do not know how to handle it#I also have obsessive repetitive thoughts that are god awful and they have not stopped in a full week#so I have made myself ultimately SO sick from anxiety like I have my own chest pains rn#and then the hypochondriac in me is like…I had covid when she did and we had the same lingering symptoms so like. is my heart damaged too 🙂#and yeah like. I have had severe panic attacks daily now like I just had one in a parking lot and had to go home and now I just feel?????#so numb and so????? I genuinely hate this I cannot handle shit like this
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[image description: 5 gifs of evan buckley and eddie diaz from various episodes of 9-1-1.
gif 1: from season 4 episode 14. in the kitchen of the firehouse, bobby (offscreen) says, "buck, what happened to eddie was not your fault." Upset, Buck responds, "No. No, I was just the guy standing there when it happened who couldn't do anything to protect him."
gif 2: from season 5 episode 14. in the loft of the firehouse, buck reassures lucy, "that lady...she didn't die, cause you caught her."
gif 3: from season 4 episode 13. from under the fire truck, buck screams as he pulls eddie towards himself. his face is bloody. the gif is colored black and white.
gif 4: from season 5 episode 14. offscreen, lucy says, "so accept it was a lucky break and move on?" buck responds, "look, your luck could change tomorrow, so we take the wins when we can get 'em."
gif 5: from season 5 episode 14. buck looks up and smiles at eddie as eddie walks into the dining room and pulls out a chair for himself.
/end ID]
#evan buckley#eddie diaz#911 on fox#911 fox#9-1-1#911edit#alicia edits#if this makes no sense it's just out of my hands at this point#like idk. it's really interesting to think about buck's journey in the context of eddie's and lucy's in this episode#bc like the both of them he also has to accept that he did everything he could do#and that fixating on how he could have done things differently won't change anything#but while they are feeling somewhat hopeless and struggling to see what the point of it all is#buck is oddly - for the first time in a while actually - incredibly optimistic and at this place where he is able to take the wins#and Honestly i think so much of it has to do with the fact that he feels he can finally help eddie#instead of feeling unsure and helpless as he watched eddie struggle alone like he had for all these months before#because yeah. maybe at some point he felt that it should've been him to get shot#but eddie is still *here*#and that's more important than any guilt or fixation on what else he could've done#eddie is still here. how can that not be a win#so buck will be too. he'll be there smiling at eddie as he comes home from his therapy appointment#and taking eddie and chris to equine therapy and helping eddie see that it's not all for naught#he'll be there for everything and all of it - the good and the ugly - is still a win in his eyes
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getous entire story is such a perfect allegory for addiction and i think about it every day btw.
#aristotle.txt#drugs cw#addiction cw#like. down to the wire#the feeling of helplessness and hopeless#the disgust the remorse being unable to tear yourself away feeling like your falling behind#abandoning greater society the desperation#his entire metaphor about the consumption of curses and the disgust in the ritual..... its so there#i cant write this because i like to write healing stuff and i think the tone of this one would be very#difficult to write unless i wrote it with him in his sobriety which is possible. but its So Personal. like JKFDHJS#it would therapize me in the worst way known to man#the oliver fic is much more attainable so i may write it someday but hes not going to be likeable in it at all KJSDFHKSD
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wow that latest silt verses episode. i've listened to it twice so far and i feel like there's Some essay meta connection i want to make about terminal illness and tragedy and losing people to the mundane even when you have the power of gods at your fingertips and when you've tried so hard and done everything Right..... but i don't know how to fathom it into words. maybe with another listen or two i could post coherently about it but for now just. waow. hey. what the fuck.
#i feel like i can't say anything that isn't already in the episode. the hopelessness the helplessness the fucking awfulness....#in funnier (RELATIVELY) news i'm just so pleased that like#pretty much the second that rane got the phone call in the beginning i was like. oh. faulkner's going to kill himself#and then as the episode progressed i was like WOW. FAULKNER IS GOING TO KILL HIMSEEEELLLFFFF#take the boy's dumbass decisions and misery to its logical conclusion. thank GOD. (he's fine tho he survived.)#(for anyone who hasnt listened yet and is alarmed by those tags.)#i gotta read the transcript for this one. sometimes the script notes have secrets (telling u what all the sound effects were and what#characters are thinking. and/or what's real)#good show. what the fuck though. good lord#the silt verses#the silt verses spoilers#suicide#for the tags#medical#autoimmune tag#<-only very very VERY tangentially but like. yeag
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As a person with Capricorn Venus in the 10th house. DO Y'ALL KNOW HOW IT IS TO BE CLUELESS IN BOTH REAL LIFE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS AND OTOME GAME ROMANCES!
I KEEP GETTING BAD ENDINGS! AND I FEEL FRUSTRATED AND SAD! Because I can't turn off my logic against my heart!
#astrology#10th house#capricorn venus#10h venus#venus 10h#venus in capricorn#romance#help#i feel so upset over this I'm taking it on a personal level now#i suck at romance#hopeless romantic#I'm not hopeless romantic... I'M HELPLESS ROMANTIC#this was a very bad ending#story play#venus 10th house#venus Capricorn#aries ascendant#aries moon
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I'm seriously hanging on by a thread right now I might just go drop dead 😭
#work has just been really overwhelming today I'm going to crack#I hate people#I almost broke down in front of the usher manager today because our radio died while we were falling behind becaus3#one of the theatres got out slightly late and set us back for like 45 minutes because everything was gettinf out one on top of the other#on complete opposite ends of the theater#amd it's not a small building guys#and I was already angry because there was a huge spill in a theater earlier I had to get a mop for and it was a pain in the ass#then we started falling behind and when we fall behind I get really stressed so I jad to ask the usher manager for help to catch up when we#were switching radios and even with his help we didn't catch back up until JUST NOW because we're on a 30 minute set break#and I've jusy been stressing and running around the theater and I want to go home and cry and drop dead#I'm so hot and tired and drained amd my legs have been sore for DAYS and this is NOT helping and I hate it here and I qant a real job#like I'm fucking 24 years old this shouldn't be the best I can do but trying to find anything else to get out of here has been IMPOSSIBLE#and I just feel so hopeless and helpless and trapped and miserable#I'm so angry and sad and tired and in pain and miserable all the time now#and it's awful and I hate it I don't wanna be that wah anymlre#I can't even type oh my god#I'm dying#abby's having a crisis
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#the dating pool in my area/country as a whole being so limited is slowly getting to me#queers in general are oppressed here so very few have profiles on tinder#grindr is a cesspool and i refuse to go back to it from how terrible my experience on it was#i just feel super undesirable and#lonely because I’ve been single since 2019#i have no idea how to meet people organically given the persecution and fear of being outed#going out and having friends and volunteering at an lgbt org didn’t work#it’s so upsetting that i might have to travel abroad to actually meet people and experience love#and even that isn’t guaranteed#I’m just really upset with how hopeless/helpless i feel#anyway… how y’all doin
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keepin it fully 100 if I'm not touched in a way that makes me feel loved soon I may very well Lose It™
#🤪teehee I'm at my fuckin limit#I feel. actually helpless and hopeless in regards to this like. I usually have ideas about what to do about things even if I don't like it.#but I'm. I just. I. don't know.#I don't know how to ask for what I need and I don't know how to get it and I don't know who to ask and I#I just don't know. like how do I attach some sort of sign to myself that says :#I just need someone I trust to walk up and hug me or something without acknowledging it ig Idk.#i wanna cry abt it but my head already hurts and crying would undoubtedly make it worse 💀#Idk how to talk abt this outside of rambling or sounding like a whiny lil asshole so no need to say anything#if anyone reads this. but. I'm just tired. I'm gonna. go to sleep I think.#jules.intothevoid✨#jules.txt✨#actually no fuckin scratch that doesn't even have to be loved. I'd take liked! desired! accepted! like I'm a person! like I exist!#anything.
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i don't want to work. at all. does this make me a bad person? it doesn't matter what my job is. i've been a librarian for more than a year now and it's great but i feel like life is meant to be so much more than this. if everyone is feeling like this too but we're not doing anything about it... then what are we even doing? are we gonna spend the next 40+ years working ourselves to death or until we're so tired we can't even enjoy what remains of our days on earth? why does nobody care?? why are we so complacent about it????
#shut up tovi#idk i just feel so helpless and hopeless#i'm working part time now and it's INSANE that i feel guilty about it because of my mental health#people SHOULD be living a comfortable life and be able to afford rent food and gas while working part time.#nobody should feel forced to work because 'well that's how things are'#'it's not like we can change it' ...then what!! why are we not rioting for fuck's sake!!!!!!!#the planet is burning and we're all just sitting here waiting for the end to come#like... i can't move out of my parents' house who are my primary source of anxiety because i don't earn enough money#i can't earn enough money because i can't work full time because i would turn into the joker#what am i supposed to do then?????
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#i think it may be time to admit that the meds are Not Working and move on but i don't know what to do#i wanted them to work so bad#i had so much hope#i've talked to so many people for whom the difference was night and day#like suddenly they could keep up with school and get up and do things and keep their life together#and i never really thought that could happen to me but i WANTED it to like i wanted it SO BAD#and then when it didn't i hoped keeping with it would at least do something? but it's been three months and it's nothing#i can't keep up in school and i can't make myself do anything and i can't keep my life together. like at all. nothing is better.#i don't think i can go on like this. and the dr said i wouldn't have to but it isn't fucking working and i don't know what to do#my mum likes to say my brain just works differently and she's trying to be nice but she's wrong. my brain is broken. it does not work.#it sure seems like nothing is ever going to get better and it feels so helpless and hopeless and i'm really not coping#i'm geuinely scared i can't stick this out long enough to finish my degree but what else am i going to do?#vent post#delete later probably#i'll feel less miserable later. hopefully. just need to cry for a while.
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millions of people are dying in the us in palestine in ukraine in israel everywhere in the world and the supreme court sits up in their fancy chairs and argues about keep allies and winning elections and i just. i can’t. when does it end.
#god. godddd.#fuck fuck fuck#does nobody care. do they just. human lives are suffering and they don’t care.#how do you make them understand?#god.#i feel so helpless and hopeless#and i don’t know what to do
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I have searched to the stars and beyond, looked in the highest mountains and drug the depths of every ocean.
But the loneliness persists. I can't find reason or escape.
#dont tell my friends#feeling down#helpless#heartache#hopeless#hell#over it#ocean#stars#moon#mountains#free yourself#as long as you're happy#i love you#i'm so tired
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what the fuck can we even do. "speak up reblog retweet sign this petition email your representatives go to rallies" what the fuck is that gonna do?????? they're not listening. at the very least we're creating creating a paper trail for future historians so that they can write their little cultural histories about how not ALL citizens of these various empires supported the wholehearted slaughter of an entire fucking country but it's never gonna stop it.
#considering taking another sm break including tumblr honestly bc i just feel so sick and hopeless and helpless#i'm not gonna stop 'speaking up' but it feels like it's not actually doing anything#no one better come into my notes talking about revolution don't give me that
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I think the movie that has impacted me the most was Don't Look Up and I think everyone should watch it but not if they have problems with existential dread
#this movie made me feel so off for like 2 weeks because i just could not stop thinking about it#cause like. this could totally happen#anyways a movie about the end of the world that i DONT suggest is 2012#that shit scared me SO BAD and also i dont like the main actor#like its similar to Dont Look Up but its missing some key elements#like an ariana grande performance#another movie that impacted me a lot was the princess mononoke but for different reasons#(i am madly in love with Sen and Ashitaka)#anyways Dont Look Up is the only movie to have made me feel so utterly hopeless and helpless about our eventual demise#but also angry because of how realistic it was and how they could have done something about it when they first learned about the thing#AND the end made me giggle uncontrollably#it really had everything#and i like the actors of the main characters#also i thought it was funny that they had rich people acting out a scenario where the rich were the problem
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#honestly#im supposed to be spending the weekend helping the guy im dating bake cookies for his friend's baking competition holiday party#and getting in the xmas spirit at the school party#and get do dress up and dance and have a bit of fun before finals eats us all alive#but instead ive come home to get poked with needles and prodded with various devices#because le hashtag chronic illness is rearing its ugly little head#giving me the friendly reminder :) that I dont get to be a 'regular' 23 year old#im trying so hard to just be a grad student. and let it be the incredible time in my life that it has been#and it's SO hard to be back home and feel like i did when i was 19 and sick and helpless and hopeless and sad#and everyone is SO supportive and kind and im trying to let them do that. and not be miserable on my own#and it is very very hard :)#so if anyone has any little holiday fics they love#or even like any holiday hc or ficlets or ideas that make them smile#please send them my way :)
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Are you going to be alright?
if this is in regards to the WB Discovery stuff (since the ask before this in my inbox was asking about that), yeah, i work for Nickelodeon and not WB so i’m not directly affected (at least right now, who knows what could happen in the future—this isn’t just an issue limited to WB) but it’s very heartbreaking and scary watching the work of my friends and colleagues get thrown away into oblivion or uncertain purgatory. yeah i know the stuff that got taken off of HBO Max can be pirated but what about the target audience who’s too young to know how to do that or their parents who are too oblivious? not everyone knows how to do that/that it’s an option to begin with. and don’t even get me started on the projects getting killed in development or finishing up but never seeing the light of day. it‘s an awful awful awful feeling being powerless in your own industry, but i’m hoping this inspires a lot of change and momentum because animation workers and fans alike are pissed off
#i feel especially powerless because i’m not in LA or the union so it just kinda really sucks having to watch everything crash and burn and#not even be able to give your entire support in negotiations and stuff#i’ve had a lot of increasing anxiety about wanting to move to LA in case something happens and me living there would perhaps make me a#better candidate for more jobs/wonder how long WFH will last but at the same time there’s the anxiety of moving out there and not being able#to find a job to begin with#i’m getting way too ahead of myself because i have work still and all of this has solidified that i’m not moving from the Sponge unless they#force me out and so many of my friends right now don’t have that same security. it sucks feeling helpless and feeling selfish for feeling#helpless#but i don’t feel totally hopeless. maybe it’s just ignorance but i can’t make myself feel like this won’t inspire some sort of change and#it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now but i do have a nagging feeling that tells me something will work out somehow so i#just gotta keep doing what i’m doing and hope that’s the case#anonymous#asks#sorry this is kinda heavy#i may or may not delete this later out of an abundance of caution so if and when i do i apologize
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