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worldlxvlys · 2 days

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listening

part 5 of the CRUSH series

bsf! matt sturniolo x reader

warnings: smutttt, p in v, unprotected sex, fingering, orgasm denial, cream pie, squirting, cursing

a/n -> read the previous part for context!!

hope you like !!

matt must have been driving pretty quickly, as his usual ten minute trip to my house was shaved down to five.

he didn’t say anything, letting out a quick “i’m coming in” before hanging up.

i don’t even know how it was possible, but he was in my room less than a minute later.

neither of us made a move, both of us just staring at the other. every action that we took prior to this moment was based off of our desires.

this was the first time that night that we were actually stopping to think about what we were doing. this wasn’t just anyone, it was matt. we flirted often, but i never expected it to go any further than that.

i knew it was wrong, wanting him like this. but i also knew i wouldn’t be able to help myself, not after seeing the faces he makes with his hand wrapped around his dick. the thought of that alone made my legs clench together while he walked towards me.

my breathing picked up slightly as he leaned over me, his hands on either side of my body. his face was only inches away from mine when he spoke up, “are we- is this okay?” he asked, eyeing my lips.

“yes, please matt. you can do whatever you want to me” i told him, grabbing his hand and guiding it to my thigh. “anything?” he asked in confirmation, his fingers sliding under my skirt.

“yes, matt. just fuck me, please. need it so bad” i whined while he swiped his finger through my folds, collecting my arousal.

“so fucking wet, bet you taste amazing” he whispered, bringing his wet finger up to his mouth and tasting it. his eyes rolled back and he let out a low moan, “of course you do”

he hooked his finger under my jaw, pulling my lips to his in a slow kiss. i moaned at the taste of myself on his tongue, tilting my head to deepen the kiss.

my head flew back when i felt his finger poking at my entrance teasingly, before moving to my thigh. “matt, please. no teasing” i sighed out while he trailed kisses down my neck.

“didn’t you just say i could do whatever i want?” he spoke, his lips tickling my skin. “yeah, but-” i started, quickly being cut off by him, “no buts, you don’t have to do anything. just sit there and take it” he spoke as he pulled down his sweats and boxers in one swift motion.

his thick, veiny dick sprung free. it was red, covered in pre-cum, and it was so hard it looked like it hurt.

he pushed my skirt up, bunching it at my waist to expose my heat to him. “look at that pretty little pussy” he whispered to himself, spreading my thighs apart.

he began to rub his tip up and down my folds, dipping it into my entrance momentarily before taking it out. he did this over and over again, watching while i squirmed underneath him.

i was a whining mess, hand slapping over my mouth while he continued to torture me. “rub your clit” he ordered while he continued to grind himself against me. i let out a long moan when i followed his instruction, my free hand gripping the sheets next to me.

“matt, i’m so close” i cried out, clenching around nothing. “hold it” he spoke, pushing in just the tip.

“i-i can’t, matt. please, i-” i cut myself off with a loud moan when he pushed himself in fully, without warning. “you can take it. hold it” he spoke as he began to thrust into me quickly.

i was about to move my hand from my clit, finding the added stimulation to be too much, but matt spoke up before i could, “and don’t move that hand either. this is what you wanted, right? take it”

my eyes screwed shut, teeth digging into my lips as i tried desperately to hold off my orgasm. “eyes on me when i’m fucking you, princess” he said, my eyes flying open in obedience.

“you’re such a good listener when you want to be, baby. we’re gonna have to work on that attitude though, aren’t we?”

i nodded my head in response, was he implying that this would be happening again?

he hooked his arms around my thighs, lifting them up to thrust into me at a different angle. his dick brushed against my sweet spot and i was gone.

“fuck, fuck, fuck matt!” i screamed as i released all over him, my body shaking under him. i clenched around him, making him cry out in surprise as thick spurts of his cum shot inside of me.

he continued to thrust into me sloppily, eliciting several high-pitched moans from me as my juices spilled out of me and onto him. after a few more thrusts, he pulled out of me carefully.

“fuck, you’re on the pill, right?” he asked as he watched our combined pleasure drip out of me. “yeah, and now’s a fine time to ask” i spoke.

“yeah, well maybe if you had actually listened we wouldn’t have had to worry about it” he said, squinting his eyes and flashing me a sarcastic smile.

“not my fault you got horny and decided to screw your best friend” i countered.

“what’s that you were saying again? matt, please ! please fuck me! need it so bad ” he spoke in a high-pitched voice, mocking me.

“shut up” i fought the smile taking over my face, rolling my eyes at him. he leaned forward slightly, making me move back until i was laying down.

“that’s funny, you seemed to like how i was talking to you a minute ago. eyes rolled back, toes curled, when was the last time you squirted like that?” he asked, tilting his head at me.

he gave me a pointed look, waiting for an answer. “i haven’t” i admitted, “that was the first time”

a wide grin quickly grew on his face at that as he picked me up bridal style. “matt!” i yelled in surprise, “where are we going?”

“to take a shower” he spoke as we made our way to the bathroom, “and make you squirt again. we wouldn’t want your first time to be the last, would we? ” he spoke, his cheeky grin never leaving his face.

yeah, that was far from the last time.

the way i already know what i’m doing for p6 😋

masterlist

tag list: @lustfulslxt @flowerxbunnie @sturnssx @mattslolita @its-jennarose @sophssturn @bernardsleftbootycheek @queen161718 @cupidsword @imwetforyourmom @nickmillersn1gf @mattsneezing @chrisstankyleg @sturniolobltch @bethsturn @bernardenjoyer @mbbsgf @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @ssturniolo @blueeyedbesson @mxqdii @sturniolowhore @readerakayourname @defnotayonna @urmom2bitch @rootbeerworshiper @starsturniolo @hearts4chriss @theyluv-meee @carolinalikesthings @itzdarling @chrisstopherfilmed @judespoision @sstvrnioloo @littlebookworm803 @nicksdrpepper @chrisloyalgf @robins-scoop @fandomhopped @chr1sgirl4life @bbglmfao @55sturn @nickgetsmewetter @meg-sturniolo @yamamasjumpercables @vanteguccir @ineedchriscock @junnniiieee07 @breeloveschris @luverboychris

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madgirlmuahaha · 2 days

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Ok mad props to Brennan. Just. Mad props.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from channeling my mediocre writing skills into a longfic, it’s that when you start a story, especially an elaborate one where you’re crafting the world as you go and figuring out the kinks along the way, you don’t have to have everything completely sorted 100% of the way on day 1. You just have to leave enough details and loose ends to do something interesting with later.

And boy is the “something interesting” in episode 17 of Junior Year INTERESTING.

I don’t think Ankarna existed back in the first episodes of Freshman Year (though I also don’t want to underestimate the depth of BLeeM’s initial world building, lol) . I don’t know if it was canon in that moment that Jace and Porter were in the middle of their own conspiracy running tangent to the whole Kalvaxus thing. And honestly, it doesn’t really matter to me. Because he knew that they had been singled out for suspicious behavior, and set up just enough details in Freshman and Sophomore year to circle back to once he figured out exactly what kind of conspiracy they would be involved in.

It’s just the kind of writing that really gets to me. It’s like a Chekov’s gun that is definitely placed on the mantle with the intent to use it later, but the actual relevance and context isn’t decided upon by the writer until much, much later. You don’t know the joke yet but you have a perfect punchline.

#this is the writing I aspire to #me with my dumb baby hobby writer brain #dimension 20 #fhjy spoilers #fantasy high junior year #spoilers #MAN WHAT A PAYOFF #I had suspected that Jace was a bit of a red herring and I’m pleased that Porter is kind of the head of this conspiracy

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vigilskeep · 2 days

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i have never thought of the bg3 paths as railroaded before but oh my god... i see your vision. i think that, for all that can be picked apart in the writing of dragon age, the worldbuilding in that series is so so interested in complicating all factions that you can envision a character who /makes sense/ while bouncing through various ideologies. and the sort of fantasy writing in (most of) the forgotten realms doesn't really allow for that.

dao is particularly the light of my life because the origins mechanic is specifically intended to let you create a character who has a distinctive perspective on the world that’s grounded in the worldbuilding. one of my favourite aspects of this is several origins having completely different codex entries on their own culture as opposed to those an outsider would get. it’s really good! it’s also a reasonably grounded world (while obviously silly) because, like, the basic fundamental premise of thedas, from which they ikea flatpack built almost every feature, is “how would people react to magical and fantastical diversity? the same way they react to human diversity.” you’re meant to feel like, aside from i guess the darkspawn, people are normal and have real motivations. sure it has to fulfil certain roles in a story, and dragon age was manufactured too quickly and purposefully for everything to land feeling authentic, but evil in dragon age should feel recognisable. and in most of the origins they give you a chance to do something that is bad, but also totally makes sense, because of the context of your character belonging to this world where these things happen

in dnd/the forgotten realms it’s a bit different because capital e Evil exists, so there are people and deities and devils (and, to open another can of worms, races) whose entire goal is to Do Evil. it’s also harder to produce grounded evil because in a world where i’m being given basically no context and just told to make whatever i want, i don’t have an inch of the kind of social information i get from for example a dao origin: what my character has been taught to believe they should do to survive, who they are willing to sacrifice, whatever. bg3 also happens to have a main plot goal that is, at least for the first part of the game, broadly selfish (“i am sick, and i need a cure”) which works really well for getting a bunch of people with vastly differing moral standards to band together for the same goal, and not so good for any kind of “greater good” type blurred morality, so that’s out too

however much the worldbuilding factors into this, bg3 specifically went for quite a clear distinction between the good path and the capital e Evil Path, and i find it pretty hard to vary up the good path. when i say railroaded i mean you either do the specific thing that gets you a quest down the line or not. i was really disappointed actually in my playthrough where i totally fucked up in the druids’ grove and caused a fight to break out, because it immediately instakilled tons of characters i knew i would need down the line. the few it spared needed some of the dead ones to stay alive in later quests, so it’s like... oh. that’s just... over. for both factions. bg3 arguably lets you do basically anything you want but they are able to do that because if you fuck around it just breaks the entire quest line from coming up again, which means playing a character who fucks up is not even really going to get me consequences it’s just going to cut content from the game. does that make sense? and then the Evil Path is just straight up evil, like... there’s no way for me to complicate and empathise, here, especially playing a blank canvas character whose motivations i would have to make up from nothing, and who faces basically no consequences for not doing this. the only neutral/cowardly/self-interested option in act 1 is to do neither path, which gets me the least content because i literally don’t get to play the fucking game

i don’t know, i’m not saying it’s necessarily bad just that it’s hard for me, personally, and how i like to create characters. especially when you have my constant restart disease and you have to do this all over again a dozen times just for a handful of different dialogue. does any of that make sense

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nexility-sims · 2 days

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𝐍𝐎. 𝟕 ❛ 𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭 ❜ | AUGUST 1991

❧ 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 / 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 / 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 / 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭.

Trish Fitzpatrick wore many hats, but her favorite was “freelance journalist.” Her area of expertise grew directly out of myriad side gigs: what she called portrait pieces of interesting people. Outlets clamored for them—or, they had since she’d buttered up famous, neurotic opera singer-turned-starlet Prudence Boone into revealing she had a glass eye, a secret runaway daughter, and a hair-eating habit. Of course, Prudence was basically a stranger. They had once had a fifteen minute conversation on the deck of a yacht, bonding over the fact that neither actually knew to whom the vessel belonged. Prudence thought Trish’s outlandish suggestions were funny enough to remember her when she called to pitch the piece. It had gone the same way with Renzo. Of course, they had met while fighting over a scarf in a vintage clothing store. Trish considered letting him win to be a debt, one for which she would demand recompense at the ideal time. Opportunities passed, and then August 1991 proved to be the time.

❧ i got the irresistible urge to do renzo backstory, which was meant to be an outtake, but then i was like, "uh, no, this totally works as story proper if i put leonor in it," so here we are ! context and such. given the amount of work, this might be my magnum opus until further notice ... it was also just fun to do :^) checked off the sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll boxes ?? where's my prize. in conclusion, i love my white boy of the week or whatever

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭 ↓

I grew up in a tiny town—Petunia. Petunia? You say it differently. It’s the country coming out, I guess. Not “pee-tyoon-ee-ah,” it’s “puh-toon-yuh.” Petunia. That’s it. So, how was it? Fond memories? In retrospect, maybe. I wanted to get the hell out of there from day one. What I remember is being very unhappy—dispositionally sullen, not just a pouty kid, but fully down and out. Born that way, probably. And your parents? My parents … Life had the upper hand, man. They were good at losing. I didn’t want that life.

My dad professed to be a traveling salesman—What, he wasn’t? I mean, he didn’t know jack shit about vacuums or whatever the fuck. I don’t know. But, he wasn’t around a lot, it sounds like? Gone for weeks at a time. Just me and my mom. How was she? Not really there either. When I got home from school, she’d pop her pills and be gone until morning. She wasn’t avoiding me; she was avoiding life. She did what she had to do in the mornings—you know, I had what I needed, the bare essentials—but she was checked out. You had a lot of unsupervised time, then. Oh, did I. Too much. I mean, I had books to read, and I got into music early—From her? No. My dad’d blow into town and bring pity gifts. Not kid-appropriate shit, now that I think about it. Heavy, gritty stories. A guitar I was too little to use. Flip lighter. But, you know, I was a kid. I wanted to run and play with everyone else, too. Of course.

Here’s the thing: it was hard to be a scrawny kid named Lorencio in Petunia. Shit, I can imagine. What was that like? … Hard, like I said. Well—Details? I got the shit kicked out of me. Regularly. What do they call it—um—“school of hard knocks”? Yeah. I remember, one time, I limped home on a Saturday. Mom was out of it, but she leapt up when she saw all the blood. Cleaned me up. It’s like I’m there now—in that bathroom with the dirty tile, her burning me with peroxide … She didn’t really talk, you know, not in a serious way? But she did then? She said, in Uspanian, “‘Don’t roll over for anyone.’” Interesting. So, that’s the lesson? Part of it. I realized that summer it didn’t matter if you were scrawny, if you talked funny, if you were poor. What mattered was not being a pussy. [Laughs] Oh, yeah? If you want credibility, if you want respect, sometimes you gotta be able to take a beating. Don’t roll over. That’s right.

I think it also helped when the growth spurt hit. You must’ve still been scrawny. [Laughs] String bean. So it goes. Adolescence . Now, you grew up fast, is what I’ve heard. You could say that. My life changed when Marty got out of lock-up—Sorry, what?—for “teen offenders”; he set his grandparents’ car on fire—oh, I see, regular kid shit—Uh huh. We hit it off. He introduced me to other guys, including Jesse. They’d huff gas together. Oh my God. Not whippits? Sure, but less convenient. That’s—No good, yeah. Fun though. Have you—? I’ve tried everything, Patricia.

Jesus! So, Marty and Jesse…? We got on like a house fire. [Groans] They were into petty crime for the thrill of it—Now, Renzo, is arson petty? He did it one fucking time. Everyone overreacted. They got into trouble for fun, and for you it was—? Money. Not a lot. I was too dumb to consider the risks. But, you did other things for money, too? Don’t say it like that. I wasn’t hooking. [Snorts] I worked a lot. I was cutting school to work, getting paid under the table, all of that. Maybe—hear me out—some of it was thrilling for you, too? I won’t tell anyone. [Chuckles] What can I say? Credibility.

I feel like I’m mischaracterizing … I love Marty and Jesse, to this day. Jesse’s daughter is your godchild, right? Yeah. Marty went back to Petunia in … ‘88? Jesse and I had better luck, or maybe we were just more desperate. Either way, my point is that delinquents get a bad rap—With good reason! Sure, okay. Both of them were deeper and more complicated than that. You’re not an outlier. No. We’re a dime a dozen. No one gives them the chances you got. Uh huh. So, we bonded over that—feeling down and out, like I said, but also the fact that we loved music. Marty’s family had money, so they’d bought him a nice bass guitar. But, Jesse’s mind … He’s so fucking creative. He wasn’t a reader, but I could tell him about something I’d been chewing on, and he’d have a song inspired by it within the hour. He has an incredible voice, too. He does.

I guess it’s not surprising that you guys did what you did. There was nothing for us at home, you know? Packing up and heading out west didn’t feel like a risk. And your mom understood that? Better than anyone. I know people judged her—shit, I judge her, too—but I always knew she was trying. That’s sweet. Is it? I mean, I think so … She met my dad at a bus stop three weeks after she arrived in the country and made the mistake of getting off at his stop. That’s it. That was her crime. Well, I’m sure she’s doing better now, huh? She lives in a nicer house in a nicer city, but that doesn’t cure depression, now does it? I suppose not. There was this woman whose lawn I’d cut all the time … A real bitch, but she was extra nice because she felt bad for me. Hated my mother. I think she was just jealous because my dad was her high school sweetheart. Isn’t that just how it goes? Damn foreigner stealing a real catch from her. [Scoffs] Sticky fingers when she invited me inside for lemonade—cigs and quarters from her purse, Valium from the cabinet, that kind of thing. [Laughs] Casual. It was pretty brazen, honestly. Fucking dumb kid.

Alright, so, you come out here with Marty and Jesse to make music, and now you’re a serious actor with a name and a big career ahead of you. How’d that happen? It was completely accidental. While we waited for a record deal, I did odd jobs, like auto work—you know, in a body shop. It was decent. Had you worked on cars before that? So, I got familiar, uh … [Chuckles] We’ve established I was a rascal. We could get under the hood of a parked car and make a few dollars off parts. I can get you in so much trouble, Renzo! [Laughs]

Don’t tell anyone, come on! I was a kid. Have a heart. I guess it paid off. But, alright, body work? What’s the connection? It’s kind of convoluted. When business was slow, the guy I worked for loaned his employees out to another mechanic. This guy, long story short, brought me along to assist him on a movie set. I guess he was a known quantity? Everyone knows the right guy! That’s everyone’s explanation for where they end up. Me, too. Uh huh. I don’t know why they let me do it, but—Somehow it worked out. Yeah, it did. Right place, right time.

You’re in the spot. How did you get into it, though? This is embarrassing as hell but, fuck it, I’ll be honest. Please. Don’t stop now. [Chuckles] I got a shot because I’d been chatting up this girl who, as it turns out, was the director’s kid—or, in fact, she approached me. I had no idea who she was or why she was there. Of course she did! That’s not surprising, is it? I think I was the most disinterested person there. I don’t know. Anyway, we talked a couple times, then—out of the blue—someone asked me if I wanted to hop into a scene, say a line, ten seconds flat. She did that for you? I don’t know what she did. No one mentioned her. Maybe she thought you looked like a movie star. [Snorts] Fuck. I hope not. Did you want to do it? I wanted to make music. I wanted to finish reading my book. I wanted … I mean, I said yeah. Can’t decline that. Makes a good story, right? What happened with her—? Oh, hell. Sorry! Moving on, for now. [Groans]

I got a call several weeks later about an audition. How did that feel? Bizarre. We’d done a demo for a producer once, but this was different. Were you excited? I was terrified. But, I went. Didn’t get that part, although everyone was perfectly nice to me. How disappointing. You always remember your first … But, hey, you have to look at it this way: I didn’t want to be an actor. I thought it was cool, but it felt like … ? Go ahead, give me a good metaphor. Like when you’ve been craving your favorite food, but then someone offers you a helping of something different, new, appetizing. How’s that? Passable. C-plus. [Laughs] Fuck you, Pat.

Okay, so the road didn’t end there. No, it didn’t. I got another call, and that one went well. This was for … Sugar Sweet? That’s the one. Cornball, but I love that movie. Never seen it. What! How is that possible? You were in it. You went to the premiere screening. There are pictures. Saw my first scene, excused myself to go piss, didn’t come back until the applause had started. Wow. Everyone has opinions about that movie these days—very contentious, whether or not Alicia was in the wrong when she left me and stole my lifelong dream. What do you think? Me, Renzo? Good for her. I thought it was kind of bitchy. It’s peculiar how many women say that. I wonder why … ! Billy’s so dreamy. Please, ask me about something else, Pat. So, this romantic comedy is your launching pad. It leads to the television show. The television show blows up immediately. Walk me through what that felt like?

Also terrifying. I really cannot emphasize enough that I didn’t want attention. I wanted money and time to support my music, and acting seemed like a good way to do that. Just didn’t account for the side effects. Like fame? Uh huh. I was a nobody in Sugar Sweet, and the pay was shit, but it felt like a miraculously good deal at the time. What it did is put me in the running for more serious work. I think, even then, sometimes the casting folks were hesitant to take a risk on someone with no experience whatsoever, even if they had—A spark? Talent? Sure. It was unsettling, the idea that I was some kind of “natural,” and I compensated by working really hard. Well, you’ve established yourself as a hard worker. Sure. I guess they saw that—the improvement, in addition to the fact that I had a resume to speak of by then. Or, eh, they saw that you were pretty. Right, of course, you don’t need talent if you have Teen Mag’s favorite cheekbones. [Snickers] I joined a cast with other people who had very little experience, and we bonded over that. I just didn’t expect to be … What, the center of attention? That, yeah.

You know what’s fucking weird? Huh? Signing your name on a picture of your own face that belongs to someone else. That they’re going to take it home and pin it to their fucking wall or frame it on their bedside table. Someone’s kid treating you like their school crush, blushing and shit while they’re asking for you to do it. That does seem like a strange experience. Over and over again. Teenyboppers, goddamn. You were in the magazines for them. I read a couple interviews. No the fuck I was not. I did not do those. No? What they do is take quotes from actual, consented conversations and stitch them together for their own use. It’s legal. That’s fascinating. Maybe I should try that. Less work. [Laughs] Yeah, alright, flush your “exclusive access” privilege right down the toilet.

But, look, I’m not disparaging the fans wholesale. That’d be unfair. And, ouch, ungrateful? Yeah. The initial couple years were fucking insane, but I was with people I liked, and a lot of the fans we actually met were … Normal? Uh huh. Not a hysterical, handsy, screaming blob. You got grabbed? Groped, Pat. Oh boy. We don’t like grabass, I guess. Well, hold on now, just not like that—You keep sidetracking me. What kind of interviewer are you? I’m having fun with my buddy! Sue me. [Chuckles] You got it, baby. What was I saying? The fans? Yeah. The ones we met one-on-one were cool, usually. They had deep thoughts about the show, you know? Ideas about the characters, the plots—filled in holes in the shitty writing. No offense to Jack and Reuben, I hope! Don’t print that, Pat.

If I’m being honest, having to answer their questions made me think deeply about the role. That’s stayed with me. I don’t like being walked up on in public, but sometimes it’d go fine. The first time someone came up to me in the wild, her mother looked so fucking apologetic that I decided, “Cool it, don’t be a jackass.” She wanted to talk about the book I was buying. Same thing would happen to Frank, Perry, Vicky. How about the show itself? That was a three year commitment.

It was alright. In retrospect, I understand that television isn’t for respectable actors, which made the transition hard. Harder to have been on a show for teenagers. But, you made that switch in Uspana. So, did that play into the calculus at all? I lucked out, in the sense that the show was co-produced, and I got to do the dubbing for the Uspanian version. I wasn’t a total unknown, even if they thought my Uspanian was shitty. Is it? Losing an accent is hard, in my defense.

When my contract ended, I hit the road. You didn’t think about staying on? I thought about it with horror, yes. [Laughs] You’d keep shit-talking the whole production if I let you. Maybe. So, in Uspana? It was like exhaling for the first time in a while. I did nothing for a couple months. All that hard work, being a beloved TV star … Throw me a bone, Pat. But, anyway, I didn’t even see my mom’s family again for a few weeks—You knew them, though? Yeah, we’d met, during the press trips. Beach life by yourself. Luxury.

You know, I needed to reconnect with myself. That’s how I felt. I felt like I had been an imposter, then I felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t, and now … You could go a different way. A fork in the road, for your career. Your life, really. Right, yeah. I went to Canarís like any good tourist. I had more money than I’d ever had in my life. I had no plans. Sounds like a dream. It was.

Crucially, I was out of my mind most of the time. Kite high. So fucking high. I swear I almost drowned twice, at which point it was politely suggested that I stop using the pool. Did you politely agree? Fuck no. [Laughs] Troublemaking aside, I ended up taking phone calls, making plans with people—Industry people? Yeah. There were people I knew already, but meeting the ones I really wanted to work with happened kind of organically—parties, premieres for other films, cafes. At the Morningstar Cafe in Canarís? Right, exactly. Same way I ended up finding The Den. Someone at the cafe had worked with Karolina Teague, and she took me there one evening after we all got tossed out of some poor son of a bitch’s house. Sounds rowdy. Can’t blame him. It was after midnight. And? Well, it was a lunch that’d started at eleven in the morning, so. [Chuckles]

So, I have a question. You’re pretty consistent—in terms of behavior. “Behavior?” [Snorts] Yeah, okay, I understand. What was that like, with cameras on you? The photographers in Uspana definitely aren’t less aggressive. That’s part of it. I don’t know if I’d call it an epiphany, but I left Canarís for Nakawe with the understanding that I was going to just do what I wanted to do. Oh boy. Within reason, fuck. Reason. Sure, yes. You didn’t feel like a dumb kid anymore. I mean, I guess I have more fun with the camera guys here. They can get away with more, ergo, so can we.

I distinctly recall you got arrested for—I barely touched that guy or his fucking camera. Did him a favor, if I did. Dogshit quality device. [Chuckles] Not sure he saw it that way, but the charges were dropped. I mean, don’t get me wrong, shouldn’t have reacted that way. I kept thinking about my mom seeing those pictures … The one time I got picked up, she backhanded me in the middle of the station, right in front of the cops. Jesus. In the car, she goes, “If you get caught again, I’m going to rip your ears off.” Empty threat, I guess.

The Den—I want to talk about that. Please, let’s. Your first time there? It was with Karolina, like I said, and there was a local band playing that night. They’d wrapped up their set by the time we arrived and were just … jamming on the stage, taking feedback and requests from the people who were still there. Some kind of funky jazz mash-up. I liked it. How did it come to you? It opened in ‘57 as a bar and, at some point, it turned into more of a music venue open to a certain segment of Nakawe. The guy who owned it gave exposure to a lot of people who went on to really do something with their art, and that’s why it ended up being a somewhat exclusive spot. Celebrities already knew it and brought their friends. Uh huh. I could stroll up, and the cameras weren’t with me because they were already there. He got tired of that, I think—He was an older fella, right? Yeah. But, really, he managed other properties, and The Den wasn’t his passion project the way it’s become for me. So, you had the money and took it off his hands.

What goes on in there? [Laughs] Pat, you’ve been inside. Well, not for me! If I’m going to describe it to people who’ll never go inside, what would I say? I mean, it’s a hangout spot. It’s a performance venue. We had, uh, mimes last month. Truly gifted, those people. [Laughs] Really? I don’t come up with all of the ideas myself, but I only agree to the shit I’m interested in. It’s kind of selfish, but I guess I’m lucky to know a lot of people who’ll toss in five dollars to enjoy it. It’s something. Compelling. I mean it. Thanks. That’s not all, though. I mean, you describe it as a “haven.” It’s very private. Some of your regulars are troubled individuals. Damn, Patricia, just say it. I feel like a cop! “Do you condone drug use in your establishment?” nonsense. But, well … I’m not explaining it. Either you—they, whoever the hell—get it or don’t. Come for the music, come to unwind however you like, doesn’t fucking matter to me as long as you’re coming with an invitation. I like to go in the back room, close the door, let the music and noise seep through. Muffled. You don’t really strike me as a partier, frankly. You never have. I wouldn’t argue with that. I like parties, but I don’t need to be at the center. Some do. That’s fine. This place is for us all.

Maybe it works out because of that, that you’re curating this space but not necessarily always in it? What do you mean? Well, you reopened it and then, if memory serves, immediately went off to do a film. The party kept going. You just like to know it’s happening. Alright, sure. That’s true. Knowing it’s there … Yeah. I like it. I was in that back room, thinking about the script, when I decided to do it, actually. Life felt like it was falling into place. It was a good time to take a leap. “’You are going to be a cowboy?’” “’No, I’m going to be a farmer.’” I had that conversation a thousand times. Reporters, man. Hey! Everyone was so surprised. I think they thought the premise was … I don’t know, that it just wasn’t something I would want to do? Or, worse, that the filmmakers wouldn’t want to work with someone like me? Unflattering assumptions, sounds like. Can’t blame them. I had a lot to prove. Still do.

How was six weeks in Texict? Fucking heaven. I loved it. My mother’s from the northwest so, even when I visited family, it wasn’t anywhere close. No reason to visit until we dropped in to do the film. Every day, I woke up happy to be alive. Happy to be doing this job. Gorgeous. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess it wasn’t just the location, was it?

No, you’re right. I felt like I was really acting—for the first time, seriously. Maybe the cast helped? I’d worked with established actors before. The leads in Sugar Sweet were—well, you know who they were. I learned a ton from them. But, yeah, I guess Sasha was the first person I’d worked alongside who had me sweating. Oh? I wanted to impress her so fucking badly. I wanted to keep up, you know? So talented. So raw. She rips every line out of her chest with her bare hands. Bloodbath of emotion. The premise was new, too. Not a lighthearted romance this time. No. We were young parents of a ill child—stressed as fuck, trying to make life work, struggling separately to be together. Can’t lie, I ate that shit up. So did the critics. Hell yeah.

Every nomination felt surreal. The recognition was incredible. Validating. Sasha and some of the others swept up. I was just honored to be up there with them, honestly. Okay, well, let’s talk about Sasha. Do we have to? Yes. Indulge me! [Grumbling] I mean, all I can really say at this point is that I was obsessed, and it wasn’t until it was over that I had the clarity of mind to really wonder, hm, “Was I in love with Sasha, my coworker, or was I in love with Sasha playing Lucy, my wife?” That seems like an occupational hazard. I wouldn’t describe it that way. You take sensitive, delusional, beautiful people, pay them to get vulnerable and intimate with each other … It’s special, even if it’s … Not genuine? No, it is that. It’s not real, but it is genuine. How else can you say, “Well, our schedules don’t line up anymore, but I’ll have this scar of our initials forever?” You do not! No, I don’t. The letter S is really hard to cut without fucking up. Not a sober man’s idea. No.

Since I have you on the topic—hey, no, absolutely not—I’m obligated to ask if there’s anyone in your life right now. How’s that? Women’s magazines can snap this up and stitch it together for themselves. This is a public service. Patricia … Yes, Lorencio?

Look, I know you do your research. I do. I’m very good at it, too. What’s that like, princess pus—Pat. Pat, I’m begging you—Are you obsessed? The letter L is easier, I bet. It is. Would you go with another L or an R?

I’m not talking about this—not for you to print, anyway. Well, talk to me as a friend, then? I’m not just professionally nosy. We’re friends? Who else calls me Pat and gets away with it? You haven’t been Trish in a long time, it’s true … [Sighs] Fuck. Someone can be precious, right? Lovable. You can hold them in your hands and think, “This person matters to me. They’re special. I like to be around them; I like to listen to them; I want their affection.” You can really, genuinely cherish someone.

But? Maybe you find their life to be completely fucking repellent. Unbearable. … Damn.

There’s parallels, though, right? I mean, fame is fame, there’s got to be value in relatability, and—There’s an open mic going on downstairs in the hotel bar right this minute. Let’s take a break, Pat, what do you say? Let’s just go watch some of it. I’ll let you print dick measurements and my deepest, darkest secrets if you say yes. [Laughs] Well, if that’s on the table—

#just gonna toss in a cw #cw drugs #long post #ts4 story #sims story #sims 4 story #royal sims #simblr #ts4 legacy #1992.story.post #1992.a1 #1992.e04

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ellaphnt · 1 day

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Is it actually racist to relate to Toshiro as an autistic person? The argument seems to be that calling Toshiro autistic disregards the context of his culture, but I feel like the manga made it pretty clear he has issues even beyond his restrictive cultural norms. No one else he knows from his homeland act like he does, and I thought they made it pretty clear that he was an odd child even in the context of his culture. Maybe it is just a coincidence, but I feel like there's room to acknowledge the contexts of his cultural upbringing while also relating to an autistic reading of his behavior.

Hi hi! I agree! Toshiro/Shuro’s behavior have roots in growing up Japanese, but his behavior has made him an odd one, even at home. I like to say he’s sort of an “outcast everywhere.” I think it’s definitely one reason he envies Laios, and also possibly one reason he is infatuated with Falin! I’ve written about Toshiro and Falin before (as many have!), about how he views her as 1) someone he wants to be like and therefore liked by, and 2) someone who might understand him. He doesn’t have a lot of those types of people in his life.

Not to mention the lack of confrontation. Hien, Benichidori, Maizuru, Tade, all don’t fear speaking their mind! They do it many times. Only Toshiro, hm. I find him relatable in many ways, and I’m sure Ryoko Kui did that intentionally. Was this made for a Japanese audience with commentary on their culture? Yes. Can non-Japanese audiences relate to it anyways? Yes. Can his behavior also be attributed to autism? Can it be an intersection between both his cultural upbringing and possibly learning to mask? HMMMMM either way, I’m really glad autistic POC fans have given their take on it. Tons of POC and non-POC have already spoken about just the cultural part. I’m glad to see commentary on both.

Hearing other POC fans analyze his character is amazing, but I was worried the “it’s just his cultural upbringing” angle would mean his nuance as a character will mainly stay in POC circles. POC relate to POC! (Not a blanket statement, I’ve seen POC who don’t like Toshiro and that’s fine. Not to mention the frequent inability to relate to each other) But if someone is not POC, namely white, and the faults of his character are ONLY attributed to being POC, why try to sympathize with him at all? Lowkey, that might be one of the reasons there was so much hate towards him last week. I’m not saying Toshiro must be any way palatable to a western audience, but hopefully you see my point.

Which is why I think, again, that Ryoko Kui made him relatable to a broader audience. Toshiro’s behavior stems from being Japanese but the fight is not JUST about that culture clash. It’s about anyone who find it hard to confront others and speak their mind. And thats why his character was picked up by autistic fans too! It’s a broader experience than people give it credit for.

You’re in good company of fans who also see themselves represented in either a cultural and/or autistic interpretation of his character! No it’s not racist. Reading autism into a character does not undermine their cultural upbringing. Autism does not flatten a character’s nuance that does have a lot to do with his cultural upbringing. On the contrary, it ADDS to it.

A character can be both. Think it makes them cooler tbh. They have their own things to work on still, they still have their flaws. They could even do something wrong and hurtful! (Shocking!) It doesn’t excuse anything, it just adds another layer to them.

And in the end, it’s just a reading into the media. A singular take, if you will.

I hope I covered everything you mentioned!

Ending it off, here’s some posts other POC have made about this topic because I cannot speak for the community!:

Post 1

Post 2

Post 3

#context: I mentioned in a comment that Toshiro could be both Japanese and autistic #wasnt trying to contradict the op just add onto it #not worth it! going back to being quiet on the internet #but thank you for the ask!#shuro #toshiro nakamoto #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #just thoughts

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giac222 · 2 days

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Happy Progress Report Day TCOAAL fans! 🩷💚

The most recent progress report is really interesting.

Help 💀. I need this sprite of Andrew immediately lmao. Yeah, he’s probably going insane in episode 3. To me it looks like he was trying to light a fire or something and it just wasn’t working. (Edit: or he’s just completely lost it and is just sayin anything lmfao.) I wonder what the pentagram on the ground is for? 🤔 (Another edit lol sorry: What if he’s actually possessed by the demon here? I think it’s possible.)

I’m also wondering where Ashley’s at, maybe they got in a fight and now he’s camping outside 😭.

Wtf happened? 😭. Why is my girlie upset? Count your days Andrew 🙄. I mean we don’t know what made her cry here, but I��m assuming it has to do with him somehow. I don’t really know what/who else would make her cry like this, but we’ll have to wait and see.

We also got another preview video!! Thank you Nemlei and Kit9! ☺️. Link to the video:

The video was really interesting:

😳.. yeah, no thank you.

Pretty sure this is the abandoned building we saw them in in the previous progress report:

This is from progress report 4. Side note: I have no idea what possessed her to say this here 😭. I need context asap lmfao.

Anyway, Andy thought it was Leyley hiding and watching him, he thought she was going to jump out and attempt to scare him.

Does anyone else think “Something Terrifying” might actually be Lord Unknown? (I’m probably just being delulu 😂 but you never know!). Regardless it’s a demon.

We’ve seen those red flowers before. 👀

Poor Andy 😭. Wrong place at the wrong time.

Leyley definitely saw something. So, now we know that they’ve encountered demons way before the whole quarantine mess. Now we might have an answer as to why it’s so easy for Ashley to summon.

I’m so excited for episode 3!!

#progress report 5 #progress report 4 #the coffin of andy and leyley #tcoaal #andrew graves #ashley graves #andy graves #leyley graves #nemlei #kit9

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aealzx · 3 days

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I was curious i stumbled upon your blog from seeing your fic the 03 crossover on ao3. I do remember seeing the art on here. Since he’s my personal fav i wanted to ask. What’s your opinion on Raph? I mean for both iterations ROTMNT and 03.

Yes I post CDK on both here and AO3 8’D

And oh boy, buckle up kiddo I have a lot of opinions on dear Raphie *cracks fingers*

(jk it's actually not that long even under the cut X'D)

TLDR:

2003 Raph: Summed up Raph is home, safety, and warmth wrapped in an awkward bubble that doesn’t word well but will absolutely fight for those who deserve it.

Rise Raph: An adorable puppy that I look up to when it comes to dealing with people and selflessness for the sake of others, and I would adopt him in a heartbeat and smother him with plushies because he's such a good boy.

More in depth thoughts in a scrambled mess below the cut.

First, since he’s older

2003 Raph:

I first watched TMNT 2003 when I was a youngish teenager I think, and I will fully admit I was a little afraid of Raph at that time 8’D I have a really bad tolerance towards anger, I get freaked out easily and afraid I’ll get hurt or yelled at even if I didn’t do anything wrong. So having Raph portrayed heavily as “the angry one” made it hard for me to get attached to him. BUT, after growing up and watching 2003 just before starting CDK I have gotten soooo attached to Raph. This guy is not “angry” all the time, he’s open, honest, and passionate. This guy is the reason the others get out of the house. He’s the reason the others live and get into the fun times. And while Mikey certainly helps with being the life of the party, Raph is also the shield of everyone who deserves it. This guy is the most dad/big bro out of the four, and while Don could probably take care of a kid the best based on technicalities, Raph is the one that would keep them safe. Raph is home. Raph is the safety net that keeps the family warm. Because while Don is the heart of the group and we know they fall apart without him, Don wouldn’t have a voice without Raph because Don is too soft to fight back when Raph will. Donnie is still my all time favorite of the TMNT 2003 boys, but just barely. If Don is 100/100 on the favorite meter, then Raph is 99/100. He kicked Leo out of the second favorite spot for me on my recent watch.

Rise Raph:My first exposure to Rise Raph was my sister sending me the scene of Raphie crying over not being able to figure out how to help his family after they’d just lost Karai, and I have to admit the only thing I thought was “oh that’s nice, Raph actually cries in this one”. And then I actually watched the show (because sis insisted I watch the movie and I knew I needed context to fully enjoy it) and omg the Rise bros (and April) have the unique case of all being just about equal in my favorites tier. But specifically about Rise Raph this boy is a puppy and also I would adopt him and his family in a heartbeat because he’s also the sweetest lil guy and so good at watching out for others without being smothering. And just like 2003 Raph, Rise Raph is the protector of the family. Not because he happens to be the biggest and therefore the tank class, but because he wants to. I think he finds comfort in others being safe - feeling safe- and having fun. He thrives off taking care of others even though he’s not perfect at it. But him not being perfect, not making the most amazing meals, not being prim and proper, maybe getting a little dirty and bending a few rules, is what makes him charming. He’s not “attempt at being the perfect parent” 2003 Leo, he’s big brother Raphie that will cuddle with you in a mound of soft teddy bears, or throw you across the room in a roughhouse depending on what you need. Sure Leo really knows how to annoy the crap out of him, but I don’t think it’s because Raph thinks Leo is irresponsible or a bad kid. It’s much more infuriating to know that someone can be amazing, but seeing them chose not to, and you don’t know how to help them see they can be so much more than they are. And it’s easy to see that regardless of any of his siblings being annoying there’s nothing they can do that will make him hesitate even slightly in helping them when they need it. I don’t think Raph became a parent to the others like some of the fandom does. I think he’s just an adorable, soft, warm teddy bear big brother that did really well in his part of the whole family keeping each other afloat.

If I had 03 Raph as my uncle and Rise Raph as my brother I would be a lot more outspoken and rather reckless because I would have the upmost confidence that they would have my back and would keep me safe.

#anon ask #mun response #about Raph #love him #best boy #2003 Raph #Rise Raph #opinion #scrambled thoughts

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the-most-pathetic-edge-marquis · 1 day

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oops omg in my delirious ranting i forgot to ask you the question i originally meant to send lmao

would love to get your thoughts on Nesta & Cassian's relationship! your thoughts on its dynamics, its current state, its future, etc! any parallels you've found, or anything you find between them that makes you think it doesn't work - anything! i find the dynamic fascinating but i wish there was more than just "haha they drive each other CRAZy they MUST be mates!"

(i haven't read the 5th book but i'm ok if there are spoilers)

okay, if by 5th book you mean A Court of Silver Flames: apologies, i Have To talk about it, because it is the source of most of my Cassian/Nesta thoughts, so there will be spoilers. if you're talking about a different book and not counting the Christmas Special Novella TM as book 4...there's a 5th book??

also, as always, i have written entirely too much. thank you for enabling me on my red-string conspiracy rants.

let's see...this is really interesting, because conceptually i also see so many FASCINATING elements to Nesta and Cassian's relationship, especially thematically and in terms of the ways they mirror each other.

but then reading it within the context of the books themselves just makes it so. incredibly. frustrating.

first of all, what you said about "haha they drive each other CRAZY" is so real--i feel like it was an enemies to lovers story that devolved to centering around very shallow banter and hatefucking that is then still supposed to be seen as something super profound and lifelong for the two of them?

plus the way "mate bonds" are executed within the ACOTAR series frustrates me to no end...plus there's so much misogyny and white feminism and heteronormativity and poor depictions of mental health and abuse baked into the series under this progressive veneer that it for some reason gets...plus getting into the realm of wild speculation, i feel like a) sarah j maas legitimately dislikes Nesta and thinks she deserves the in-universe hate and b) sarah j maas is an only child.

so when i try to analyze Nesta and Cassian's relationship, it's just so difficult for me to separate it from all the rest of that. especially having read A Court of Silver Flames. a book that somehow filled me with more rage than breaking dawn? i did not think that was possible

another note: all of my quotes below are just cited to chapters, because i have an...um...let's call it the Kiera-Knightley-in-the-ocean-in-a-liking-girls-awakening-outfit copy of the ACOTAR series and i'm pretty sure the pages don't line up super well.

anyway, let's dig more into the good/compelling:

1. nesta is very squarely in My Type of female characters, and it's clearly cassian's type too.

aloof and mean and full of cold rage, wearing femininity like armor, with a spine of steel and a too-sharp tongue and undying loyalty to a very very select few soft characters...i LOVE LOVE LOVE that character premise, every goddamn time. and i love that cassian (in theory. according to what he says. not necessarily what he does.) sees that and loves it and doesn't want her to change. that fire is the reason he loves her, and was even when she was human! he's perfectly willing to dash himself up against it, because he sees a reflection of himself there! like:

"'You can keep that sharpness I like so much, that boldness and fearlessness. I don’t want you to ever lose those things, to cage yourself.' 'But I still don’t know how to fix myself.' 'There’s nothing broken to be fixed...'" -ACOSF, Chp. 50

!!!!

(now, do cassian's actions actually line up with that? mmm, debatable, but i think that's definitely more authorial blind spots than intent, and i like the theory!)

2. i am not immune to the:

"His voice was rough as he said, 'Five hundred years ago, I fought on battlefields not far from this house. I fought beside human and faerie alike, bled beside them. I will stand on that battlefield again, Nesta Archeron, to protect this house—your people. I can think of no better way to end my existence than to defend those who need it most.' I watched a tear slide down Nesta’s cheek. And I watched as Cassian reached up a hand to wipe it away. She did not flinch from his touch." -ACOMAF, Chp. 57

3. i go absolutely feral every time i think too hard about the thematic lines you can draw between nesta and cassian.

nesta, who has made herself cold and untouchable and absolutely unwilling to yield to anyone, clinging to the symbols of status and perfect upper-class femininity because those were the only weapon she was taught how to wield...and cassian, who is all fire and fury and raw passion, seeing himself as the blade that bathes himself in blood at rhys' command without being able to understand why and just trusting that rhys knows best, defining himself constantly as a base-born bastard who is only good at the fight...it's SO FASCINATING.

they have parallel experiences that in practice were entirely different because of the social circumstances in which they were born!

(also the way both of their mothers and their deaths play into it???? nesta was shaped by her mother's presence and cassian by his mother's absence???? both of them see their mother's death as a defining moment, except nesta responds with retreating further into that cool passive cruelty and cassian massacres an entire village...HELLO????)

4. you know what? shout-out to nesta weaponizing cassian's care for and promise to her to save his life...

and ONLY his life, when he would've willingly and gladly died with his legion!!! and then feeling guilty about it after the fact! (maybe even guiltier than he does!) that's SUCH a fascinating thing to have between two characters.

how do you go forward loving someone when you feel unspeakably guilty about what you did in the name of that love? you saved their life because you love them! you hate yourself for saving their life! you still love them!

okay, that's my quota for complimenting the acotar series this decade:

1. all of the things that i talked about above are. um. not central parts of the entire 700+ page book that is allegedly cassian and nesta's grand love story?

like--don't get me wrong, they're there. i'm not pulling those elements out of nowhere. but the central focus of that book seems to be...i honestly don't even know. it's like, part nesta's "recovery" (i will not rant here about that), larger part Nesta's Inspiring Fitness Journey TM, part The Thinnest Villain Plotline Of All Time (guys that mortal queen was NEVER going to be able to get into the prison that rhys has to give you permission to get into. she would've just fucking died. it would've been fine. also the mortal queens' motivations are just so shallow and incoherent to me), for some reason part Feyre's Pregnancy Journey TM, and large, large part...

nesta and cassian bantering in increasingly bland ways and having tragically the closest sjm gets to kink because they're being a little bit mean and commanding with each other, but nowhere near enough to actually be interesting to me? and obviously i don't have anything against smut in the fairy smut series, but i feel like it takes up way more of this book than actual interesting relationship beats between nesta and cassian, and it's really frustrating!

like here, have a screenshot from my notes app from my first reading of this book, which i feel like summarizes a lot of my feelings related to that and in general about the "romance" she builds for them:

also why does she write about toes so much when she's writing erotic scenes it's not even like a character-specific thing it's in all the books i noticed it and now i can't stop seeing it, any time a female character is horny her toes curl it's such a stupid specific phrase

2. i cannot separate the romance between nesta and cassian from my deep, profound hatred of the premise of ACOSF, the way it depicts recovery and mental illness, and nesta's lack of agency throughout it.

(i will rant about this now! oops.)

first, i am at my funniest and wisest in the notes app:

but seriously! cassian is just so horribly, consistently cruel to nesta throughout this book, specifically around her grief, her physical condition, and her mental health issues, especially around eating.

"His hazel eyes guttered. 'Not eating won’t bring your father back.' 'That has nothing to do with this,' she hissed. 'Nothing.' He braced his forearms on the table. 'We’re going to cut the bullshit. You think I haven’t gone through what you’re dealing with?'" -ACOSF, Chp. 5

"Cassian asked, 'What stair did you make it to?' 'One hundred eleven.' Nesta didn’t rise. 'Pathetic.'" -ACOSF, Chp. 8

"'I knew you didn’t have much muscle,' Cassian observed as Nesta lay belly-down on the ground, having collapsed onto her front after trying to hold a full-body plank, 'but this is absolutely pathetic.'" -ACOSF, Chp. 16

and Nesta clearly internalizes all of this, because these phrases recur in her narration over and over and over.

"She was pathetic for being so weak. Pathetic for now being unable to walk so much as a step without grimacing" -Chp. 13

“'They are when you’re as out of shape as I am.' A pathetic weakling" -Chp. 15

"She punched that thought out of herself, too. That pathetic, selfish thought. Just as all of her was pathetic, and selfish, and hateful." -Chp. 40

(i did leave out the "everyone hates you" conversation, because to be fair to Cassian, that's a moment where he's overwhelmed, and he does later apologize and walk it back and that's a genuine moment of growth for the two of them--which imo is just proof that he could be doing better in all these other situations!)

even the scenes where nesta and cassian are on the mountain, allegedly nesta's turning point, just make me so incredibly sad and frustrated on her behalf.

(even leaving aside the question of whether nesta was right to tell feyre about the pregnancy killing her, or how much it matters that she did it out of anger, or even if everyone is right to be mad at nesta which obviously im on nesta's side because FEYRE DESERVED TO KNOW LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WHO CARES IF SHE ONLY DID IT 'TO HURT FEYRE' FEYRE ISN'T MAD! HAVE YOU NEVER HAD A SIBLING???? SAYING THINGS TO HURT BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM IS LITERALLY 99% OF IT!!!! AND ALSO CASSIAN AND LITERALLY EVERY OTHER CHARACTER IN THIS BOOK GET TO SAY HORRIBLE THINGS TO NESTA OUT OF ANGER, RHYSAND LITERALLY THREATENS TO KILL HER FOR TELLING HER SISTER THE TRUTH ABOUT HER OWN PREGNANCY? i hate these quotes.)

(all quotes here come from chapters 47-50, the mountain sequence.)

cassian is saying things "quietly--coldly" with "nothing kind in his face", "nothing warm in it. No challenge or light. Just solid, stonecold warrior", an "icy, amused gleam in Cassian’s eye" as he makes her carry a way-too-heavy pack...and just silence! he doesn't speak to her at all! and she sits there and thinks she deserves it! ("Let him drive her into the ground, let him make her walk and act the servant. It wouldn’t fix anything. Wouldn’t fix her."; "She deserved to be turned into bloody mist by Rhysand. Wished Cassian had not come to save her.")

meanwhile in cassian's head, he's sitting there shocked that she's suicidal, ("Cassian knew that Nesta often hated herself. But he’d never known she hated herself enough to want to … not exist anymore." BOY YOU'RE DUMB AS SHIT), hoping for her to be healed...and still making the explicit choice not to comfort her! ("Instinct bellowed at him to wrap himself around her, to comfort and soothe, but another voice, an ancient and wise voice, whispered to keep going. One more mountain, that voice said. Just one more mountain.")

it just like...makes me so goddamn miserable, and i feel like it undercuts everything in their relationship.

nesta collapses because she wasn't drinking water and cassian rushes over and gives her water and carries her to safety?

cool, the reason she wasn't drinking water in the first place is because he TOLD her no breaks and because, again, she thinks she deserves to be destroyed over the thing he's told her he's angry about! (also he yells at her, of course.)

cassian, over the course of this book, helps guide nesta toward healing and coming into her full power and ability as a warrior, who can then empower other women to do the same?

sure, but he does it by bullying her, assuming he knows best when he has no idea what she's actually going through and won't bother to ask, and being cruel and absent allegedly because she needs to "save herself."

and, of course, all of this is in the circumstances rhys and feyre have created where the only alternative nesta has to being locked in a house with cassian and going along with whatever he asks of her is literal fucking exile with the possibility of death. ("So, yes: Nesta might technically be able to return to the human lands, but she would find no companionship there, no warm welcome or town that would accept her. Wherever she was able to find a place to live, she would be essentially housebound, confined to the grounds of her home for fear of human prejudices." -Chp. 2)

and look. there are a lot of caveats that can be made, (and have been by the acotar fandom), and some that i can even sort of get behind.

the one i find most compelling: nesta is definitely shutting cassian out, hard, and intentionally doing it in ways that she knows will hurt him so that her self-isolation will be most effective. she isn't really in a place, especially at the start of the book, where she wants to get better, and she is willing to be mean in the process of accomplishing that. and i do see the appeal of cassian being willing to be "mean" back! that said...i don't know, the tone of it still doesn't personally land super well with me.

and yes, it is 100% more interesting and better fiction when characters in a book respond imperfectly to mental health issues. not every character should talk like a therapist, or like they've been to therapy! it's more fun when cassian is messy and responds imperfectly and gets mad! he's entitled to feel whatever frustrations he does!

but sarah j maas so obviously doesn't think that's what's going on here. what cassian does "works," in the fiction. in the story, he turns nesta's life around, to the point where she starts helping other people, and in the triumphant climactic fight of the entire novel exclaims "because my mate taught me well!" as she wins. nesta thinks that he's good and perfect and she doesn't deserve him for...the entire story. she bows to amren and begs forgiveness, when amren is the first person to tell her that she's literally "a pathetic waste of life." like, i think we're supposed to believe that nesta is pathetic and has to choose to be "better" and that's just...your mileage may vary, but i personally hate it.

to address some other semi-common talking points that frustrate me even more...

yes, mental illness does not excuse someone's behavior and you still need to be held accountable, even if your actions come from a place of hurt and mental illness! but...this isn't holding nesta accountable. even leaving aside the question of accountable for what, there is a difference between holding someone accountable and just being cruel, and i can't help but put this firmly in the second category. calling someone "pathetic" doesn't actually help them improve their treatment of others in any way. also, it's not like nesta isn't aware and critical of her impact on other people (arguably too critical, but again, i'm a bit of a nesta defender by way of hating Rhysand with my whole heart), she is in fact deeply aware and unable to change alone because it comes from a place of trauma! (and being surrounded by a bunch of controlling ultra-powerful centuries-old also traumatized politicians who fucking suck.)

and yes, mental health care is not always nice and flowery. sometimes there's nothing you can do, because ultimately people do have to save themselves! sometimes you do have to let someone break down before they will accept help! sometimes, speaking as someone who has been extremely mentally ill for a very long time, you need someone who's going to say "that's pretty fucked up, dude," or that it's a little ridiculous to be scared of how permanent tattoos are when you have the number of self-harm scars that you do, or even jokes about you being terrible and unforgivable when you apologize for something like asking to hang out or interrupting over the phone by accident! but those a) require a degree of trust, consent, existing relationship, and shared experience and b) are not what cassian is doing. tonally, contextually, it is obviously different.

also, you know what? the acotar series sells itself hugely on being a YA series--sort of; the marketing has definitely shifted now, like, I've seen ACOSF in adult sections, but when the first three came out, it was definitely YA-marketed, that's how i found it, and there are a lot of teenagers reading it still--anyway--a YA series that deals seriously with mental health issues, recovery, and abuse.

and if it wants to sell itself on that, it should do better.

i first read this series when i was 15. and i completely missed all of the ways that rhys is manipulative and controlling! i took the author at her word that he was a feminist, and feyre had choice and agency!

ACOSF didn't exist yet, but i really truly am afraid of how 15-year-old me, who was struggling with an eating disorder (among other things), would have internalized parts of this book.

so yeah, in summary: i can't in good conscience enjoy nesta and cassian's relationship when so much of it is these moments of cassian reinforcing nesta's self-hatred, and being just outright cruel to her in her weakest moments, and the narrative justifying it.

(also sorry, one more thing: the way that this makes nesta's physical "training," and getting physically in shape, into a solution for her eating disorder? there are many ex-ballerinas, myself included, who'd like a word about that. physical fitness and over-exercise is actually also a huge piece of disordered eating! okay, sorry, i'm actually done now.)

3. yeesh, that was heavy. let's do something more fun:

listen. first of all. nesta is bi as hell and SO INTO GWYN. LOOK AT THIS.

"Nesta looked at her from under lowered brows again. 'Get out of my sight.' Gwyn grinned, a broad, bright thing that showed most of her teeth and made her eyes sparkle in a way Nesta knew her own never had. 'Oh, you’re good.' Gwyn turned back to the stacks. 'Really good.' She vanished into the gloom. … Quiet settled around her, as if Gwyn had been a summer storm that blew in and evaporated within a moment." -Chp. 9

"Nesta allowed herself to listen--to savor the pure, sweet voice that rose and fell with sinuous ease. Gwyn's hair seemed to glow brighter with her song, skin radiating a beckoning light. Drawing any listener in." -Chp. 13

"The only bit of color and sound came from Gwyn." -Chp. 13

"Nesta closed her eyes, leaning into the music, shutting out one sense in order to luxuriate in the sound of her friend. Something beckoned in Gwyn’s song, in a way the others’ hadn’t. Like Gwyn was calling only to her, her voice full of sunshine and joy and unshakable determination. Nesta had never heard a voice like Gwyn’s..." -Chp. 52

"Gwyn bared her teeth. 'I refuse to leave you here.' ...Nesta said to Gwyn, “It is the only way.” Gwyn screamed, 'IT IS NOT THE ONLY WAY!' And then she was sobbing. 'I will not abandon you to them. They will kill you.' 'You need to go,' Nesta said, even as her hands began shaking. 'Now.' 'No,' Gwyn wept. 'No, I won’t. I’ll face it with you.' Something deep in Nesta’s chest cracked. Cracked open completely, and what lay within bloomed, full and bright and pure. She wrapped her arms around Gwyn. Let her friend sob into her chest. 'I’ll face it with you,' Gwyn whispered, over and over again. 'Promise me we’ll face it together.' Nesta couldn’t stop her tears then. The chill wind froze them on her cheeks. 'I promise,' she breathed, stroking Gwyn’s matted hair. 'I promise.'" -Chp. 69

NESTA YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY--

and then, @r-biter put me onto the "Cassian is a trans woman" headcanon and i have never looked back. it's mostly from the Mor situation and the "lesbian dating a trans woman before either of them have realized" dynamic, which is just so incredibly fun to me (because i lived it? perhaps). but there's also a good amount of...where does that deep, personal rage about girls not being able to train come from? what could lie underneath seeing your body as only a blade, honing it as a weapon and nothing else, excruciating command and control of it, and still seeing yourself as too rough and too much and a brute to be controlled?

can't i just have cool badass butch as hell six-foot-whatever-absurd-number trans women in fiction?

so yes, my ideal view of the future of nesta and cassian's relationship is that they break up, nesta dates some women, cassian does some introspection and comes out as a woman, and maybe the two of them end up back together, but maybe they don't and they have incredibly funny divorced-friends energy for the rest of time.

4. cassian...loves rhys more than nesta? and i feel like that's a significant problem for their relationship?

this is a far more watsonian analysis than anything else on this list, but i still feel like it's worth saying, because i have. SO MANY thoughts about the "Inner Circle" dynamic, and the character conflicts, and frankly abuse, that happens within the balance of the IC being set up as "family" but also being huge political movers with a very strict hierarchy and Rhysand having ultimate power and say...

which in the case of nesta and cassian, shows up in a lot of ways. sending Nesta to the House of Wind is Rhysand's idea and Cassian is willing to go along with it and take the heat; in the argument they have where he tells her everyone hates her, it's because she calls Rhysand an asshole; Rhysand threatens to kill Nesta when she tells Feyre about her pregnancy and all Cassian can do is get Nesta away, and he sympathizes with Rhys' feelings and reasons for doing it, as well as agreeing with him that Feyre shouldn't have been told; Cassian does vote to tell Nesta that she has Made extra-magical swords in opposition to Rhysand, but he also fully wants Rhys to become High King of Prythian and thinks Nesta's swords should be used toward that purpose, without giving any thought to what Nesta wants in the situation...

it's just honestly hard for me to see a relationship thriving in that situation, where ultimately Cassian will (it seems) always bow to Rhys' authority, and Rhys legitimately fucking hates Nesta. even with their "reconciliation" during the birth scene, i'm...i don't know. skeptical. what happens the next time there's a disagreement? (that High King plotline isn't going anywhere, unfortunately.)

and, to step out of in-universe dynamics for a moment, and into some personal speculation about the Doylist view of these things...i do think a lot of it is because Maas genuinely thinks Nesta was in the wrong, and people were right to resent her before she "redeemed" herself by her big sacrifice for Feyre? which is also deeply frustrating to me and affects my read of the Cassian/Nesta dynamic a lot.

just from events in the book--Nesta bowing to Amren and begging forgiveness; Nesta feeling guilt and shame about interacting with Mor and saying she understands why she is angry with her (when the thing Mor says about Nesta deserving to be in the Hewn City is like. SO fucked...in general, the comparison that is for some reason constantly running between Mor as like, a "good" survivor and Nesta as a bad one...i could write so much analysis about that alone); Nesta sacrificing her power for Feyre and Rhys then hugging her--it's clear that Maas to some extent views this as a redemption journey for Nesta and not just a healing one...

and I'm not convinced that was necessary?

like, a lot of people's problems seem to be her letting Feyre go into the woods, which is like...okay, yes, Feyre was fourteen, but Nesta was seventeen? she was also a child in this situation? and it sucks that she didn't step up, and she was definitely extremely petty in the first book...but so was Elain? and Elain is like, instantly forgiven for it? but Nesta is held to a higher standard? (the "nesta has the soul of an illyrian so i expect better from her" is so??? demeaning to both elain and nesta???) even when Feyre says she understands and forgives her?

ALSO, you know who ACTUALLY had an obligation to protect Feyre and failed? THEIR FUCKING DAD, WHO EVERYONE IS NOW DEIFYING AND JUDGING NESTA FOR NOT VISITING HIS GRAVE, LIKE--

and then there's...Nesta is cruel. she shuts people out. but i don't know, it feels deeply hypocritical to resent her for that when the centuries-old immortals she's surrounded by are regularly eviscerating people and making backhanded deals with each other's abusers (the way Rhys treats Mor is just like. SO wild) and lying to each other for no reason...and it's just the most insane double standard that we're expected to see them as perfect and nesta as irredeemable for being mean.

(a semi-related side note: i have to point out that the solstice book is so fucking funny because feyre's sitting there worrying about nesta drinking too much and every other page in that book is her and her friends drinking themselves to sleep. like, i get it, but also. girl.)

anyways, that was a lot of words about nesta's overarching treatment by the narrative, but to bring it back to her relationship with cassian specifically: i feel like she's never going to be justified out-of-universe, or liked in-universe, unless she just starts going along with what rhys and feyre want her to be and do, and that really sucks as a basis for her relationship with Cassian. and i don't think this is happening in canon as an exploration of the ways being royalty and political leadership and pressure like that fractures relationships, i think we're very very obviously supposed to love rhysand and see his inner circle as an idealized friendship group for feyre...which sucks for nesta!!!

also cassian azriel and rhys all just need to have a threesome at least once i think i think it would solve a lot of their problems like what do you MEAN you multiple times fucked girls in the same room as each other at the same time while you were growing up

5. gender roles speedrun roundup:

i often feel like reading the acotar series leaves me with a spectrum of reactions from "are straight people okay" to "yikes, gender roles," (there are no good options on this spectrum), which just makes me roll my eyes so hard at so many interactions between nesta and cassian.

i could write a lot here, or i could just toss you this quote:

"The first time she’d seen Cassian, she couldn’t take her eyes off him. She felt like she’d spent her life surrounded by boys, and then a man—a male, she supposed—had suddenly appeared. Everything about him had radiated that confident, arrogant masculinity. It had been heady and overwhelming, and all she’d wanted, all she’d wanted for so many months, was to touch him, smell him, taste him. Get close to that strength and throw everything she was against it because she knew he’d never break, never falter, never balk." -Chp. 10

like. what. is. what. do straight people really--

also i CANNOT take the use of male and female seriously there HAS to have been a better way to do that i just

to be more serious, there's also something really uncomfortable to me about nesta's view of cassian as the ideal of masculinity, and a fundamentally deeply good person (in opposition to her)...whereas we see so clearly from cassian's pov that he's just so deeply embedded in and surrounded by violence?

(i am never not thinking about the entire village that he slaughtered, and how he doesn't regret it, it took him ten years to "face" it but he doesn't regret it! apologies, i'm about to out myself as fundamentally A Star Wars Guy TM, but like...when anakin skywalker slaughters the entire village of people who murdered and assaulted his mother, it is--at least in theory, god those movies are bad--a very clear step into the dark side and the path that leads to him becoming the ultimate evil fascist imperial figurehead. whereas for cassian it's righteous and a step to him becoming "strong enough" to handle nesta!)

they are both a hopefully-unintentional weird racist exoticization of "tribal people" who mistreat women and get murdered for it written by white people though. god everything about the illyrians makes me feel so weird

the masculinity = violence thing is definitely not limited to cassian, (it's arguably worse with High Lord "get her out of here before i kill her for revealing that i was lying to my wife about her imminent death" Rhysand), so it's clearly an authorial thing seeping in, but it still makes me itch to dig my messy little fingers in and deconstruct it, you know?

so!

i'm sure i could write more, but this is already obscenely long--thank you for enabling me to write all of this! i hope it gave you a decent sense of my thought process...and i would love to hear any and all of your thoughts, i am as always so glad to be your friend in conspiracy-board-string meta and everything else.

#thank you so much for the ask!#acotar #acosf #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #NESTA DESERVED BETTER FTW #also. is anyone surprised that this is the stance i took #because i'm sure not

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