#and I’m not going to be done w/ scheduled stuff until 10 pm every day this week 😀 so I am struggling !! but it’s ok that’s life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hollyhomburg · 4 years

Note

Hi! I sent a previous ask about the Sandcastle series- I would love to see whatever you have and are comfortable sharing 😍

SANDCASTLES: UNRELEASED SNIPPET (YOONMINJOONSEOK X READER) (OMEGAVERSE AU)

SUMMARY: You and Hoseok had a bad fight, so bad that you don’t know if you can come back from it. will you let the rest of your relationship with the others suffer? or will you decide that they’re better off without you? moreover- what will happen when you leave them.

TAGS: angst, leaving long term relationships, polyamory, details of toxic relationships, secret-keeping, omega! reader, Omega! Jimin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Yoongi

W/c: 4.2k

A/N: this is a stolen part from a series I never plan to finish, it is angst and there is absolutely no resolution planned to be given to you. please note: the reader is actually pregnant with Namjoon’s kid during this, but none of them know- not even the reader. there is very little editing in this. I'm just posting this because it would just sit in my drafts otherwise. there is more, I will give it if people want it

- your hands hover over your computer screen, your email brought up as you hear Namjoon leave the apartment. A solitary tear drifts down your cheek as you look around the apartment. Everything is immaculately clean; the pictures on the wall of the 5 of you are immaculately aligned.

- The next room over, Jimin Yoongi and Hoseok sleep, probably wrapped up in one another. You know that Hoseok’s probably breathing against Jimin’s skin, and Jimin is probably sighing into Yoongi’s strong arms. the three of them the picture of domestic bliss.

- You know how that bed feels, how it's warm and comfortable and that it feels like someone is untangling your worries one by one.

- But you also know that when you go in there it will immediately stop feeling like that, Hoseok is always the light sleeper and will notice the moment that you walk in. Hoseok will turn away, making sure there’s no room in between Jimin and him and no room on his side, and Yoongi will be too lethargic to realize you’re behind him- to asleep to cuddle you, and you’d spend the rest of the night cold and curled to your side. And you couldn’t bear that another night.

- Your apartment feels so cold to you, Goosebumps rise on your arms. You don’t want to feel cold anymore.

- You look at your email again, bringing up the one from the company that desperately wants to hire you, you take a look at the benefits, better than your old job, at the apartment they plan to give you, at the hours- less work than before. Then at the address- one city away.

- You wipe away your tears and begin to type, your hands shaking,

- I am very pleased to inform you that I accept your generous offer of employment. When can I start?

- You swallow back the lump in your throat, telling yourself that it’s for the best, they’ll be happier without you around. Without you hovering in the relationship and looking at them forlornly all the time. Your relationship was finished, it was time to say goodbye. they’d be happier without you.

- You know the thing in this apartment that’s cold isn’t them- it’s you, and maybe when you leave it will get warmer. Try as you might you cant be somewhere you’re not wanted.

- Even if it will hurt Namjoon, you think he’ll get over it eventually- after all, he’ll have everyone else to comfort him, yoongi will too, you know jimin will never forgive you- he’ll feel so betrayed that you left. But Hoseok will be so glad that you’re gone, finally smiling again without fear of offending you. This is what the 5 of you need. You’re sure of it.

- Over the next few days- the company contacts you with everything you’ll need to pick up and leave, a plane ticket is sent to you, the address of your apartment, and they arrange for someone to pick you up from the airport. even movers to take your stuff- they’re being terribly kind.

- For the first few days you try not to let the fact that you’re leaving disrupt your rhythm.

- You don’t know how you’re going to tell them you’re leaving- but you know it has to be soon. But every time you look at them- how happy they are, you can't imagine making them so sad. You don’t want them to try and convince you to stay when you know it's not what they really want- but at least that’s what you think

- What you don’t know is that Namjoon has started to resent the way that Hoseok has pushed you away, he’s already planning a special one on one date between the two of you.

- And Jimin has started to feel guilty, about giving Hoseok the love that he so desperately craves, when whenever Jimin goes to you Hoseok pushed him away. And Yoongi is left to wonder why Hoseok can’t just forgive you. it’s been more than a few weeks now, and he’s beginning to worry that things won't get better. Because he wants them too.

- And Hoseok- Hoseok doesn’t know how to forgive you. he wants to but he doesn't know how. Every time he thinks about you- about what you’ve lost he just wants to take you into his arms and never let you go. But then his mouth opens and he says the opposite or treats you with such a cold shoulder that even he feels it.

- But then a stroke of good luck happens barely a week before you're supposed to leave. Namjoon’s case is reassigned to a courthouse on the other side of the city- and he’s always so wrapped up when that happens that you know he usually sleeps at his office.

- And Hoseok comes to the others talking about a dance showcase, a convention that will be all day- saying that they could make a day of it, Yoongi and Jimin agree with a smile, Jimin jumping up and down excitedly, you watch from where you're sorting through papers idly listening in.

- “do you want to come y/n?” Yoongi asks, his eyes watching you watch them, “you should totally come!” Jimin starts saying, jumping up to lean on Yoongi’s arm, as he starts to talk to you about the costumes that will likely be there. About this one restaurant in that area that they could go to. He even talks about the final showcase- a ballet rendition of a west side story that will go off at 8 pm, the same time your flight leaves.

- Behind them, Hoseok isn’t looking at you instead busying himself by fiddling with something in his hands, but you see his jaw tighten as he looks away, the distaste clear on his face. Yoongi’s gaze flicks to Hoseok’s and for the first time you see a bit of anger in it, maybe it’s always been there- or maybe you’re just creating things in your head. Looking for a reason not to go.

- You excuse yourself easily- saying that you were hoping to get a lot of work done that day- and that dances aren’t really your thing. And they aren’t- but for Jimin you always used to make exceptions just to placate him. You string a fake smile onto your face and say that you’re sure that it’d be better if you don’t go.

- Yoongi can't help but recognize a double meaning in your words, his eyes fixing on you with a frown as you start talking to jimin about a new pastry that they were offering at the café as you start to get dinner ready for them. And Yoongi steps in, offering to help you

- He knows something’s wrong with how you keep your distance from him. You used to always wrap your arms around his waist when he would help you cook, or you would sit on the counter in front of him and steal whatever he was chopping off his place. But now you turn away to stir the pots, and carefully step around him when you need to get something. you don’t touch him.

- You even flinch away from him when he runs his hand across your stomach as you pass, your startled sad eyes meeting his before you have a chance to smooth your features into one of soft happiness.

- You’re hiding something from them and he’s sure of it.

- So he tries to include you more in the next few days, doesn't let you be alone at night after the others have gone to bed when you have a day off. And when your job ends, 3 days before you leave he tries to spend the whole day with you- but you make excuses, saying that you're too tired or that you have work to do.

- When yoongi asks you why you have so much time off you just shrug and say, “They didn’t need me in the schedule.”

- The night before you’re set to go your mind is in a jumble with thoughts of packing your belongings into boxes, of the movers that will be here at 4, giving you only 6 hours to pack up your entire life before you leave this place for good- because Jimin, Hoseok, and Yoongi are leaving at 10, talking excitedly about it in the living room while you’re camped out on the balcony tapping away on your computer trying to figure out if you should leave a note, and if you do, what you should tell them.

- You spend most of the night out on the balcony, it’s been edging so close to summer that it’s so warm outside, you almost think of sleeping out here. it would be easier than avoiding the pack bed.

- But then the door opens and you turn back to look to your surprise finding Hoseok there, “everyone’s going to turn in now” he says quickly. it’s the first words that haven’t been a sneer, that he’s spoken to you in weeks. and you ache just looking at him.

- “Are you-“ he looks down at his feet, “are you going to come in?” he asks, you suck on your bottom lip, “I’m going to wait until Namjoon gets back- but yeah, I’m gonna come in.” Hoseok swallows looks like he’s about to say something, then closes his mouth before saying “goodnight then.” And closing the balcony door.

- Maybe it’s too little too late.

- Namjoon comes in later, prying open the door to the balcony, to see you asleep on the lawn chair,

- your computer open in front of you on the Google search for a city- who knows, he thinks, maybe you’re planning a trip there for something. he dosent pay it any mind, even though- in the future he’ll look back on this moment and kick himself for not realizing.

- You used to do that- look up cities like Paris a Milan and talk animatedly to him about trips you dream of taking. But he pushes thoughts of that out of his head as he closes your laptop, places it inside, and he picks up your small form in his arms and carries you to bed, you protest weekly against his arms, making a noise as you gesture to the couch- where you’ve been sleeping the past few weeks.

- “Not tonight darling.” he says as he heads towards the bedroom, he leans down and pressing a tender kiss against your lips. He pulls away to find your eyes tear-filled and you lip quivering, but still- you screw your face into a smile.

- it stops him dead in his tracks,

- he pauses in front of the door, Hopeless- he realizes that you look absolutely desolate in his arms like you’re filled with nothing but a deep aching sadness that’s consumed you in his absence. your scent twined with fear- you’re not comfortable here. not anymore.

- how did he not realize sooner, how did none of them. In his arms, you shake when he presses an affectionate kiss to your cheek. You feel like you’re an inch away from shattering.

- “Don’t smile at me when you’re sad Jagiya, I know you better than that.” So you let your tears flow down your face while Namjoon tucks you into bed, you wrap your arms gently around his chest. And he holds you close, as you start to shake, then Yoongi starts running his fingers through your hair from behind you, as he makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. And you really start to tremble in Ernest. on the other side of the bed, Jimin and Hoseok curl up close. and remain blissfully asleep.

- every touch they give you feels painful, the sensations burning along your skin. Guilt roils in the pit of your stomach as they comfort you until you’ve stopped shaking. Letting you drift slowly to sleep.

- Namjoon and Yoongi share a glance over the top of your head, The glance says something simple- something that they wouldn’t fully understand until the next day, there is something very very wrong with you, and tomorrow, tomorrow when they both get home, they’re going to try to talk to you about it. not now when you seem so fragile, you deserve to rest.

- You wake the next morning when Namjoon gets out of bed, his warmth no longer pressed up against your back. You listen to the sounds of him quietly getting ready. And when he’s done, he slides carefully back into bed, running a hand down your side, and then up to your face, where he runs a knuckle against your cheek softly. “you awake?” he asks quietly, his voice little more than a whisper.

- You don’t respond, something feels like it’s blocking your throat. Your emotions or maybe your heart- but for some reason, you don’t respond- but Namjoon sighs behind you before continuing.

- “I know things haven’t been the best recently between all of us, but I promise you that after this case is over I’ll work like hell to make this better for you. Just hang in there for me please, I love you- we all love you, even if he’s shit at showing it- he’ll come around you know he will.” you stiffen as you hear his words, trying to stay still as a few tears leak out. you can’t think of hoseok right now without hurting, it feels like your heart is being ripped open and picked through.

- you’d love to say you find his words comforting, but now- when you’ve already made your choice, they just hurt.

- Namjoon runs his long fingers down the length of your spine and presses a kiss to your bare shoulder as he leaves for work. And you almost turn around. Almost decided to tell him that you’re leaving today.

- Because his words are lovely really, but they don’t change anything.

- and you know what he’d do if you told him, you know Namjoon would hold you and keep you from leaving, not let you get on the airplane tonight. but you let him go- you tell yourself that you have to let him go.

- So you listen to the sounds of him getting ready, the sound of Namjoon stubbing his toe on the baseboards one last time quietly sobbing in the bed.

- You’ve already been awake for a few hours when the rest of them wake up, but you’re still just drinking coffee by the table reading a few emails about the start of work while they get ready to go to the showcase, your foot taps against the tiled table as you wait for them to leave, you’re not really paying attention to your email. You’re just watching them.

- Watching as Jimin stretches to reach for a mug and Hoseok slips a hand underneath his shirt to rub at his soft stomach, Jimin flinches and giggles away, Yoongi comes and sits next to you, bending down to tie his shoes,

- “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” he asks in a quiet voice, watching your expression carefully. “You shake your head, his words choking you out of your reverie as you look down back at your computer.

- You give him another fake smile, “don’t worry about it, i’ll be fine- I have more than enough work to do today.” He reaches out, covering your hand softly with his, the affection is so unsuspected that you flinch away at first, but then his hand reaches for yours, grabbing it tighter. “When I get back tonight we should watch a movie” his skin burns against yours.

- “That sounds lovely,” Jimin chimes in, smiling at you over the edge of his own cup “you should choose y/n its been a while since we’ve had a quiet night in and you’ve been off work,” he says before he’s dragged back into his conversation with Hoseok.

- “You guys don’t need too- I know you’ll be pretty tired after walking around all day today.” Is all you say, eyes downcast.

- They finish getting ready to leave- Yoongi runs a hand across your shoulders before he smiles down at you, Jimin gives you a small sideways hug before the three of them exit, “bye guys” you say quietly as the door closes behind them, Jimin is the only one who calls out a goodbye as well- his voice already cheery and happy.

- The door closes with a final click and you can finally breathe easy, a few stray tears carving a line down your face as you realize- if everything goes to plan that will be the last time that you see them.

- You pack up your things quickly and efficiently, taking apart your life here piece by piece, folding the memories away into box after box. Locking your heart up memory by memory as you say goodbye. You get your important documents, your makeup, your clothes and your shoes.

- You carefully fold the 3 sweatshirts that you’d claimed as yours over the years, one from each of the alphas. You know you shouldn’t take them with you. the smell of them will only remind you of what you’ve lost.

- But you linger over Jimin's shirt- the one you sleep in most often. And really you know you could never delete him from your life- he’s been apart of you for too long for you to do that. but this will be A clean break you decide. When the movers get there and start hauling your boxes away. You fold Jimin's extra-large shirt and leave it in pile on the bed.

- Meanwhile- halfway through the expo, Namjoon calls Yoongi and decides to meet them for lunch, after all, the convention center and city hall are very close together.

- The three of them order before Namjoon starts, saying quietly. “we need to talk about y/n; Hoseok, none of us can keep going like this, and it’s been long enough, you need to forgive her” On pretense, Hoseok starts to protest but Jimin steps in, leaning over to cover Hoseok’s hands in his.

- “You’re hurting all of us by doing this, and believe me- I know how hurt you where in the beginning but at this point what you’re doing is cruel Hoseok- and you shouldn’t be cruel to the people you love.”

- “do you even love her anymore, do you even care?” Yoongi says- his voice low and angry, he’s angry at Hoseok and angry at himself. Yoongi who has always felt things too keenly to restrain his emotions. “because if you do you have a shit way of showing it, I thought you were supposed to forgive the people you love even if they hurt you,”

- “I do love her! I swear!” Hoseok cries, a little too loudly, the patrons at the restaurant look at him, and Hoseok runs his fingers through his hair pulling at it lightly.

- “at first I was so angry- so angry that she could treat me that way; like I didn’t matter, and I wanted to treat her the same way; but- but it’s like I don’t know how to talk to her anymore, it’s like I think one thing in my head but then I open it and another things come out, but it was wrong of me to try and hurt her like that so I'm done- I’m done with hurting her- I should have been a long time ago.”

- Namjoon nods approvingly, sliding his hand up and down hoseok’s thigh under the table. Jimin smiles, a weight temporarily off his shoulders. “tonight” Hoseok resolves “I’ll apologize to her tonight”

- but he never gets the chance too. You get in the taxi, and get on the plane, your eyes fixed in front of you, trying not to look back. inline at TSA, you change every password to every account you might have told them. You only start crying when the plane pulls up and up, and you see the city you fell in love with fall away underneath you.

- They get home at 9pm, a little early, Jimin decided to skip the last performance in favor of coming home to you, eager for things to be put right again, he’s already fixing his own apology in his head when he opens the door and finds all the lights off, “y/n” Hoseok calls as he pushes in past Jimin, a small nervous smile on his face as he goes off behind you. Yoongi runs to the bathroom. While Jimin files in slowly.

- “y/n?” he calls again, but the air feels heavy, the apartment still and sterile as a hospital in the middle of the night. the entire kitchen is clean except for a mug- your mug, your pink and Polkadot mug that he saw you having coffee in this morning, when he picks it up- your keys jangle in it, which is odd- you're obviously not here- and you never go anywhere without your keys.

- Jimin moves the cup away revealing the note beneath it, his eyes widen as he reads the first line, and he has to catch himself on the edge of the counter as his legs give out by the time he’s read the second.

- He’s sobbing, openly and freely, fighting to stay upright as tears clog his vision and the world spins, “jiminie.” A careful voice comes from behind him, and large hands are on him that he recognizes as namjoons, but they’re not the hands he wants- not the hands he needs. “jimine whats wrong baby?” His voice slightly panicked, jimin falls against Namjoon, who holds him up effortlessly,

- Namjoon reads the note over his shoulder as Jimin sobs, Jimin catches the second Namjoon realizes what the note means, his arms scrambling to clutch jimin harder against him, renewing his sobs as Namjoon breaths in jaggedly- launched straight into a panic attack.

- Hoseok and Yoongi come running once they hear jimin’s sobs, wilding looking for what might have caused them to break down as they ask what’s wrong. Namjoon shakily picks up your note and reads it out loud to them his voice breaking more than once.

- First off I want to say that I’m sorry; I should have never agreed to be in a relationship with you when I knew that you’d be better off without me. the pack will work so much better now that I’m gone. you’re going to be so happy now, and that’s the only thing that’s keeping me strong while I write this letter and pack up my things. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to tell you this in person, but it’s for the best, I’m not worth your love, any of your love, so spend it wiser, spend it on each other and the people who deserve it.

You four will always have a space in my heart. Please forget about me and go on with your lives. I’m safe, and maybe one day I’ll be okay. Please Don’t come looking for me.

- Y/n

Ps. Jiminy, I’m sorry we couldn’t make it even after all this. Especially when we tried to be together for so long. But You’ll be all right without me, you just have to try.

- Namjoon breaks several times while re-reading it, tears running down his face clouding his vision. Jimin is sobbing hysterically through the entirety of it, clutching at his heart because it feels like somethings been cut out of him, his heart hurts more keenly than any pain he’s ever felt.

- He’s breathing too heavy- he’s going to pass out. Yoongi looks shocked, his mouth open as his eyes cast to Hoseok. Hoseok, who looks like the words haven’t sunken in, his eyes wide, his lips parted in disbelief?

- “No” he chokes out. “No I can't be too late, she has to come back, I need a chance to make this right”

- Yoongi runs to the bathroom and vomits in the toilet, the sound of his wrenching joining Jimin's sobs as he crumples, Namjoon drops the letter back onto the table and sinks with him. Fisting his hands in the back of Jimin's shirt to keep his knees from cracking against the tile floor. Jimin is griping like his chest like his heart was ripped out- and it feels like it was.

- Hoseok reaches out- to put a hand on Jimin's shoulder and Jimin flinches,

- “NO!” he screeches, “you don’t get to touch me, not when you pushed her so far away she went right out the door” Namjoon’s arms go slack at the venom in Jimin's voice. And Hoseok looks equally shocked, especially when he continues spitting vitriol. Jimin could always be scary when he was angry, but now he’s just being cruel “if there’s anyone who’s not deserving of love it’s you”

- The silence feels like it’s prying them apart until Yoongi says from the doorway “It’s everyone’s fault” His shoulders shaking as near-silent tears slip out of his eyes, he’s supporting himself on the wall. “We all let it happen, we all let her go.”

- The words seem to break them open more when they realize that it’s all true.

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(please like and comment if you want more: but also note that I will not be completing this story, this is just like- me unloading my drafts).

#bts poly au #bts omegaverse #jimin x reader #bts angst #bts polyamory #bts a/b/o #bts fic #bts fanfic #namjoon x reader #yoongi x reader #hoseok x reader #there is so much angst in this oh my god #and it only gets worse #jadeblackwoll

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living-with-pmd · 3 years

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11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

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"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

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"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

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"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

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"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

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"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/

#premenstrual dysphoric disorder #PMDD #pmdd awareness #living with pmdd #actually pmdd #mental health awareness #mental health #women's health #pms #premenstrual syndrome #afab problems

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newtafterdark · 4 years

Text

Taste of Metal - Chapter 10: Sweet Beans AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26157634/chapters/66411679 What if the overwhelming VR experience Gordon went through, had a deeper purpose than just being a simple simulation & a freelance debug job for him?But most importantly- what if Gordon Freeman listens to Metal & used to be in a band? aka. the “Metalhead Gordon AU”

- - The digital clock on the wall said 4:36 PM.

Gordon was laying on the futons in the living room, limbs lazily stretched out and staring at the ceiling. Most members of the Science Team were currently preparing dinner in the kitchen, supervised by Joshua.

The past few days had been... certainly something. It felt like he had attempted speedrunning several different things at the same time because there was an unsettling feeling of time running out fast for something if he didn't.

He knew that was his anxiety. The feeling of too little time for anything, his thoughts running 88 miles per hour, sending him down rabbit holes of thoughts and worries. Especially, since his last job for Black Mesa had him mess up his medication schedule during his time in the simulation. He was slowly getting back to what he considered his personal normal state... and it was honestly a relief.

Gordon turned his head to the side, acknowledging Benrey, who was sitting beside him on a pillow, Gordon's injured arm gently laying on his open palms as he was applying a new layer of healing sweetvoice to it.

His arm was significantly better now. Still sensitive to touch, but all in all healing. Though he had to admit that the scars that had been forming in the process were... unique.

The edge of where the mess started was more akin to what he had expected - lighter coloured slightly bumpy lines & patches where the skin had been damaged.

But the area where it had been an open wound? That's where it looked... unusual. It looked like a protective layer of flesh & skin had formed where it shouldn't have without a proper surgery. The skin there was just as light as the scarring on the edge... but it felt new. Sensitive. And a certain amount of weird because... well, this simply wasn't what a human body would do on its own during a healing process.

Then again... his body had been getting help with the whole thing-

Gordon closed his eyes and let out a soft hum, almost harmonizing with Benrey holding a steady note beside him, as the cool sweetvoice hit his arm.

He hadn't really had the time to ponder over the fact that he was sharing his apartment with several non-humans... but laying on a comfy futon, having to hold still and wait for Benrey to be done sweetvoicing at him - yeah, that sounded like a good time as any.

Well, until he noticed that Benrey stopped singing. He opened one eye, seeing Benrey looking at him with a questioning look on his face, his head slightly tilted to the left.

"Yo, you gonna space out on me with 'em big thoughts?", Benrey asked.

Gordon chuckled at that.

"I told you once and I'll tell you again - your sweetvoice is good. Helpful and... just really relaxing. Helps my brain shut up about the painful shit and lets me focus on things I actually want to think about. Can't help it, my dude.", he said with a shrug and a soft smile.

"Huh.", was all Benrey said, keeping eye contact with Gordon.

The human in question blinked up at the guard.

"If you want... I can tell you my thoughts while you do... uh... the healing thing? No need to reply to me, just... I don't know, me rambling for a bit?"

Now it was Benrey's turn to blink - and to Gordon's surprise similarly to a lizard, an eye-lid-like part of eyes closing over them sideways.

"... that's so fucking cool...", Gordon whispered in awe, staring at Benrey with wide eyes.

"Whu- What?"

"The thing your eyes do when you blink! I... I guess I was never close enough to actually notice it. It just looks cool, is all I'm saying."

"W-Wow, Gordon Flirtman here trying to butter me up with the compliments?"

Despite his quick retort, Benrey visibly turned a shade darker and averted his eyes, letting out a few pink orbs of sweetvoice before returning to the healing teal.

Gordon let out an amused huff, resting his free arm behind his head and looking back at the ceiling.

"Look, I just appreciate all the cool non-human things you and the others can do. I... I don't know how much of it was just part of the simulation and what you can do now that you're free again... but it's simply exciting to me!"

He heard a slightly deeper-pitched tone coming from Benrey, somehow making him feel like it was okay to continue talking.

"So many terrifying things crawled out of the Breach over the past years... all with the goal to destroy and to conquer. The Kaiju and every other creature related to them were all I had for reference for non-human beings for a long time. Aside from Joshua, of course, but you get what I mean."

Benrey let out a few notes that sounded similar to a soft "Uh-huh".

Gordon continued.

"But as scary as you guys think you are... and as you can be-"

Gordon turned his head towards Benrey once more.

"- Thank you for being you. Silly, obnoxious, chaotic and kind. And for showing me that not everything you can find beyond portals and in shady labs is something I should fear forever. That I needed to learn to listen and learn, again. To understand. To actually be the kind of scientist I always wanted to be."

They sat there for a while, Benrey laser-focused on Gordon's arm, a few stray orbs of sweetvoice remaining in the air between them as he eventually closed his mouth.

"I did a good... thing? By being- uh, me?", Benrey eventually stuttered out, still gently holding Gordon's arm in his hands.

Gordon nodded.

"No one told you to apologize to me after everything - even when I told you not to worry- but you did so anyway and on your own accord. Not to mention you are actively helping me heal physically since the moment you guys found me."

He reached over, resting his hand on Benrey's knee.

"You may not be human, Benrey... but you are a person who tries to make up for the things they fucked up. And that's a good thing, in my book."

Benrey's brows were furrowed as he slowly nodded.

"I'm.... n-not a bad guy? All the time?"

"You're a menace with Gremlin energy at worst, at this point."

That made Benrey snort, Gordon laughing softly in return.

"Uh, feed me snacks 24/7 and I'll be the greatest cool!", Benrey added with a grin.

"That's not how Gremlins work!", Gordon wheezed, moving his hand and pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to keep himself from breaking out into loud laughter.

"Only got the energy, bro. Am not small or fuzzy... right now."

Gordon slowly sat up, intrigued by the implications of those last two words. He opted to sit cross-legged, radiating curiosity and excitement as his hand was drumming away on his thigh.

"Shapeshifting... Shapeshifting!! Okay, okay! Tell me when I get too personal with my questions but... uh... you can change your appearance not just in size? Holy shit man, that's... that's WILD!"

Benrey stared at Gordon with wide eyes for a second, taken off-guard by the man's excitement for his more out-there powers. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously - something he had observed Gordon doing sometimes and added to his own mannerisms.

"Yeah, uh, character creation ain't perma-locked. Can access that anytime I want. Makes me tired when I do it too much... but it's cool.", he said, then looking somewhat unsure- "Would you... be a big cool with me doing that? Around here? SMALL WAYS! N-No big Benny. Just... feel comfy here. To do that, I mean."

Gordon smiled at that, reaching over to place a hand on Benrey's shoulder.

"Dude, as long as you don't go full horror and accidentally scare the shit out of any of us, go ahead. I don't know... what you have in mind with "small ways"... but I am curious, so... go ham."

"You sure? Is right now okay?"

"Uh... if you want, yeah!"

Gordon was about to remove his hand to give Benrey some space, but within the blink of an eye Benrey's hands looked... almost paw-like. His fingertips ended in dull claws, while the skin on his hands had a slight gradient to them, reminding Gordon of the ever-present shadow on Benrey's face. He let out a soft gasp-

"Holy SHIT?!- Let me see?? Can I touch them?"

"Huh? Ain't nothing fancy, but sure."

Gordon mirrored Benrey's previous gentleness with his arm as he now carefully took one of Benrey's hands (paws?) in his own.

"Wow...", Gordon breathed, slowly turning it over-

"HOLY FUCK YOU HAVE BEANS????? PAW BEANS?"

Benrey let out a crackle at that but nodded.

"Sometimes, 'cause it makes stuff easier. Climbing and holding shit and all that. Got that perfect gamer grip."

"..."

Benrey tilted his head at Gordon's sudden silence.

"Uh... ?"

Gordon looked up from staring at Benrey's hand, the biggest smirk on his face.

"So... you got paw beans."

"Y-Yeah?"

"Which means you also have toe beans-"

"What you talking about Feetm-"

"Beanrey."

"Wha-"

"BEANREY!"

"NO!", Benrey exclaimed through already starting to laugh, as Gordon fell back on the futon wheezing, barely managing out a "YES!" in reply.

#hlvrai #hlvrai gordon #hlvrai benrey #benrey #gordon feetman #Metalhead Gordon AU #metalhead gordon #you have no idea how much I love this chapter #it gave me so much serotonin #may it give you just as much aND MORE #fanfic #fanfics

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itsachels · 4 years

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Italy; pt. 2

Venice, Florence, & Rome

I have to open my heart up a bit before I post. Midway through writing this, I got hit with the most overwhelming feeling of “Who on earth wants to read all of this?” That’s part of the struggle with writing. I know travel stories are usually a lot more fun for the traveler to tell than it is for the audience to listen to. That’s why it’s so fun for me to write this, because I don’t do much “story telling” after trips for fear of boring people. I can see it on their faces and it’s a little hurtful but that’s okay. I’ve been in their place enough times to not take it personally. So anyways, this is my first opportunity to tell about Italy from front to back. To be frank, no one has to read this. A big part of keeping confidence with this blog is reminding myself that this is all for me, not to please an “audience”. But it’s hard, you know? I always want some kind of approval, even if it’s never spoken…it hurts more than it should, to think someone might read my stuff and think it’s “stupid” or “pointless”. It’s all very dear to my heart so I just want others to appreciate it the way I do. If you do choose to read this…thank you! You are so appreciated, and I hope it inspires you!

Venezia

It has been so hard getting around to typing this story out. My baby is at such a clingy stage right now, which makes it hard to sit down and do this. Normally during his naps, I get housework done, but today I’m just going to ignore the mountain of dirty dishes so I can finally write. If you haven’t read Part 1, you can find it here.

On our last day in the Puglia region of Italy, we meant to go to Alberobello, but there was major confusion with the buses. Sometimes transportation was tricky, since it was all so unfamiliar. At home, if I want to go somewhere, I just jump in my car. I don’t have to worry about reading bus schedules, let alone reading them in a different language. So that left us stranded in Bari with nothing to do. We eventually ended up on a bench outside of McDonald’s, playing Sudoku and listening to music.

When it was finally time to hop on the train to Venice, we had a 7-hour train ride ahead of us. We didn’t get to there until 10 pm, so finding our air b&b was tricky. We eventually found it down a creepy dark alley (my mom’s heart rate probably just quickened). It was a studio apartment with barely any room to walk, incredibly low ceilings, and a broken shower. But it had windows that opened up to the canal and that was honestly all I wanted. We paid $88 a night which is dirt cheap to stay on the canal in Venice. It’s senseless to splurge on hotel rooms, in my opinion, when you’re only sleeping there. The more you spend, the more pressure you feel to stay and get your money’s worth rather than going out to explore the city.

We had one of our few “American” breakfasts the next morning. I say that because breakfast in Italy usually means a pastry with a cappuccino or juice. It’s hard to find places that’ll serve you much more than that. It was delicious, and this cute little café is where I had my first real Italian espresso experience. And you can bet it was my last.

We found our way to St. Mark’s square and basilica and I couldn’t stare at that church long enough! The exterior was amazing. We opted out of Doges Palace because it was expensive. I think its important to be able to let yourself miss out on things…just because it’s on most people’s itinerary, doesn’t mean it has to be on yours. Save the time and money for things you just can’t leave without experiencing. We spent our extra time that day sitting on the edge of a canal, watching gondolas pass by and soaking in the sunshine.

We stumbled into the Galleria dell’ Accademia. It wasn’t originally part of our itinerary (we barely had one to begin with), but we saw a sign saying Leonardo DaVinci’s art was on display, including “Vitruvian Man”. Alex was so excited to see it, which made me enjoy it even more.

One regret I have is not noting the names of some restaurants we liked. Like, I still daydream about the paninis and peach bellini we had that day. Anyways, around that area we saw the Bridge of Sighs. In case you don’t know the backstory, it was the bridge prisoners were led across on the way towards their execution. The little gated windows gifted them with one last view of Venice.

After some souvenir shopping on the Rialto bridge, we napped back at the room. Not to be dramatic, but I almost couldn’t walk anymore. That was followed up with dinner at a cute little restaurant that reminded me of the Lady & the Tramp’s spaghetti & meatballs scene. We pigeon-watched in a small plaza afterwards, listening to the water flow down the canal and talking until sundown. It was pretty romantic, if I do say so myself. If I had to describe Venice in one word, it’d be that: romantic.

Thus, ended our one day there. I wish we had more time. We ate cereal and yogurt in our room the next morning, dropped the key in the box, and rode the vaporetto back to the train station. By afternoon, we would be in Alex’s #1 bucket list city: Florence.

Firenze

When I look back on Florence I mainly think of gelato, drizzling rain, ceilings covered in intricate and vivid paintings, and of course the Renaissance architecture (I’m looking at you, Maria del Fiore).

Our hotel (Hotel Lorena) in Florence was so sweet. It was basically a hole in the wall; we almost didn’t see the entrance when we were walking past. It was owned by the nicest man with the strongest Italian accent I’ve ever heard. His mother was his assistant🥺, and she while she showed me to our room she asked about my pregnancy and said a baby boy is one of the greatest gifts I will ever receive. I wish I could tell her how right she was!

Okay. I have to talk about the Medici Chapelle Ristorante. I will never forget that meal, in all my days. The best part was the cocoli…fried dough drizzled in honey…a Tuscan beignet. That one in a lifetime meal was followed by gelato, on the steps of the Medici chapel, before turning in for the night.

The next day was big because we were setting out for the Duomo. It was only a couple of blocks away from Hotel Lorena; we had a view of it from our bedroom window. It rained a good bit but we still had fun seeing the incredible exterior of the church and the inside, which was also beautiful. We were blessed to be able to attend mass there. Did you know that in 1601, lightning struck the copper sphere on top of the cathedral, and it smashed into the ground? You can not appreciate how far that ball fell until you’re standing in the building’s shadow. There’s a marble circle marking the spot where it landed.

The bell tower had an unforgettable view of the city and goes higher than the church’s dome, which is what people normally choose as their viewpoint. The stairway was so narrow, there were times I seriously wasn’t sure the crowd could get through. At least all the work was well worth the view.I am not ashamed of what we spent as Ditti Artigeniale the next morning because we were desperate for one of those “American” breakfasts I was talking about. It gave us plenty of energy for exploring Pitti Palace and all of its beautiful painted ceilings. Why don’t we decorate like that anymore???? In the backyard were the Boboli gardens, which were by far one of the prettiest sights I saw on our trip. A garden on a hill, in full bloom, with the Tuscan countryside for a backdrop? Yes, please.

No, we didn’t see the statue of David. Remember our conversation about where to put your money? We didn’t want to put it there. I just really didn’t want to spend $50 to see a statue I wasn’t very excited about. We settled for a free viewing of its replica, which happened to be near the Fountain of Neptune. If you stare at any chunk of concrete in Florence, let this fountain be it. It was breathtaking. I feel like this whole paragraph could be very offensive to an art connoisseur. Sorry!!! I’m sure David is very handsome and I am not comparing the fountain to a chunk of concrete.

Florence was a lot like Polignano a mare in the fact that we spent so much time walking around, stumbling into churches and shops and just trying to figure out where to eat next. We had a very slow pace on this trip and didn’t hesitate to stop by our hotel for a nap when we felt a yawn coming on. A nap in Italy is better than a nap at home! Our days were really simple and easy. No pressure, no running to “fit it all in”. It was unhurried strolling, easy conversation, and letting the day unravel however it wanted to.

Rome

A harsh contrast from that last paragraph: Rome was intense. My legs were bruised from all the walking. One evening I tried to wipe off what I though was bluish dirt (?) on my thighs, and when it wouldn’t give, I realized they were bruises! Not from bumping into anything but just from the stress of carrying a baby all over the city. And our b&b was just weird. People didn’t seem to understand “modesty” when walking out of the bathroom, our host was kind of a stick in the mud, and it was down a sketchy/dirty street. I know it sounds like I’m complaining, but I’m not. It was so cheap and steps away from the metro. It was also above a corner shop that sold delicious cappuccinos and pastries for only 2 euros, so that supplied our breakfast every day. We didn’t mind all the little annoyances and it just made for more memories. Believe me, Rome was beyond worth it.

We started with a free walking tour guided by a local college student. He did amazing; these tours are a good way to get your feet wet in a new city. It gives you a feel for the layout and your guide can share little things that you wouldn’t know otherwise. For example, in the Piazza del Popolo, we had sat under a big statue playing i-spy. We just thought it was a nice place to people-watch. As it turns out, we were sitting in the shadow of a 4000+ year old Egyptian obelisk. We never would’ve known! Our guide also took us to the Pantheon; Alex was so cute with how excited he was.

Before the tour, when we saw the Spanish steps (so beautiful in person), we went to the church at the very top. If you paid a euro or two, you could light a prayer candle. We lit one for Noah. It’s really special to me that he was on that trip with us, even though he was obviously still in the womb. Because we want to continue traveling as a family, it felt like the beginning of something exciting.

That was just day one…the rest of our Rome adventure included the Colosseum and surrounding areas, lots of people-watching in different piazzas, an interesting night in the Trastevere neighborhood, a fun little trip to the countryside to tour the Catacombs, and aaaall the glory of the Vatican. Rome deserves a longer piece, but I feel like I’ve exhausted myself sharing what I have so far. I’ll save it for a rainy day. Even then, though, I simply cannot tell all about Rome without writing a whole book. I wish I could share every funny story and mishap and surprise. You just have to see it for yourself.

And that is my story of Italy. If you’re debating a trip, go. It’s a gem you get to carry in your heart for a lifetime after. I hope reading this inspires some ideas!

#italy #rome #florence #venice #polignano #a mare #travel #adventure #cappuccino #pastries #story

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thecatladyknits · 6 years

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so it’s been 4 months since moving and since starting work at 4:30 am.

i don’t think i can maintain this long term and i’m scared. i like my job, i don’t want to lose it, but it was my choice to move and to do these early hours so i’m afraid to talk to my boss about possibly starting later, like 6 am (which would be 9 am Eastern, so i feel like that’s still a reasonable start time). i feel like i also have a legitimate argument apart from the earliness of the calls.

the ONLY reason why i have to start at 4:30 is due to these daily scrum calls with the dev and QA teams. ignoring the fact that 4:30 is early for me, it’s 7:30 Eastern time, which is kinda early for people in that time zone anyway. until we started agile last year, most people didn’t start work until somewhere between 8 and 9 am. early morning meetings are needed bc the dev and QA teams are offshore in india and they work like 10 am - 7 pm, which gives us overlap on the end of their days. BUT even with the early meetings, we still have like another hour of overlap with them even after the current meeting is done. if i started at 6 am, i would still have some overlap with them. i generally don’t need it though, bc their questions are virtually never directed at me. we mostly communicate substantially via email. though it would get worse in the winter without daylight savings time (we lose an hour of overlap w/ them) but that was true on eastern time anyway so i don’t know if that makes a huge difference.

but to get to my substantive argument... these meetings are typically not a great use of my time (regardless that it’s early). the IT teams get off on technical tangents all the time, which are irrelevant and over my head anyway. sometimes the meetings are done in 10 minutes and i don’t have another meeting for 2+ hours, but now i’m up already and am expected to work. there are also times when we have meetings scheduled for 2 hours and most of the time is wasted by going off on tangents and diving into technical stuff when we should be talking about broader topics. PLUS, according to the agile methodology, the “product owner” should be the one directly interfacing with dev/QA and doing the tactical day to day things. the “product manager” should be working on the broader communications, soliciting user feedback, developing strategy for the product, etc. i’m the product manager, not the product owner. our PO is directly in IT, whereas me and my boss are technically their ‘clients’. my boss has already spoken about having the PO step up more anyway, so i feel like it’s not unreasonable for me to step back from that regardless of the time.

so, rationally, i feel like i have a few reasons. but i am pretty scared that they’ll be pissed at me since this whole move was my idea and i agreed to the time. it’s just becoming hard. i’m definitely not getting enough sleep because it doesn’t work for me to go to bed at 7:30, and i can’t really nap unless i’m really exhausted, and then when i do, i feel like garbage when i wake up. i also don’t have time to ‘wake up’ like people normally do. it would be one thing if i got up, washed up, got dressed, etc. before starting my work day. which i guess is my choice to NOT do that, but if i did, i would get even less sleep bc i would have to get up even earlier, losing more sleep or having to go to bed even earlier, which i am already having a hard time with.

this isn’t to say i would *never* have to do an earlier meeting or something. i understand that there are like quarterly all-team meetings (not with the IT contractors; with my own team) and quarterly planning meetings where we all convene to do mega-planning. but that’s a few days every 3 months, not every single day. even when i was working normal hours, i would occasionally have days when i had an early meeting or had to stay late or had like a random 10 pm mtg with Australia. that’s fine. if it’s occasional, okay, we all have to do that. but getting up at 4 every day is wearing me down.

on top of the early hours, working from home and having just moved here is making it even harder. i feel really isolated, and waking up at 4 am, sleepily sitting on my computer in the dark by myself on a conference call where i’m trying to be quiet to not wake D and just feeling isolated AF isn’t great for my mental health. i feel like the last person on earth or something. it’s not a good feeling.

so. idk if this is a rational idea or if i should just suck it up or look for another job with regular hours or what. i have no idea how this will go over. i mean i think they will understand as people who also wouldn’t want to work at 4:30 am... i’m just really scared this will hurt my career. i don’t really want to leave my job, but this isn’t sustainable and i feel like these calls aren’t critical for me anyway.

no matter what, i would wait to do this until:

a) after i hear about my compensation for this coming year

b) i propose my “rachel tries to get promoted this year” plan to my boss

it can’t affect my compensation anyway, bc that should be set by now and determined by my past year’s performance anyway. but idk, just to cover my ass. i also don’t want to have “rachel is backing out and can’t handle shit” as a negative hanging over my promotion ambition. i should be having “plans for the coming year” goals/plans discussion with my boss soon anyway.

the next quarterly planning meeting is the end of this month, so i’m thinking about having this discussion w/ my boss before we start the new development cycle (which would start in early sept), which would be good timing to transition it off to the PO, if she agrees to it.

scared. fingers crossed. hopefully i can keep my job. i don’t know what i will do if she says no. probably start looking for another job. which would suck and make me also feel terrible bc i’m covering for my coworker going on maternity leave from sept-jan.

#work #i am so tired all the time #and i feel out of sorts #and isolated #i think it's making my adjustment to the move that much harder #argh #scared #anxious

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opepin · 7 years

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march: week 5

27: i did not get enough sleep. i took my time getting ready in the morning because i had a legit reason for not being in the office on time. i woke up with a headache so i took some advil. after eating breakfast, i hopped on the train and got to work at like 9:30 am or something, which isn’t that bad. i found out that cole forgot his laptop so he had to go back home to work (LOL but qq). i got real hungry at 11 am for some reason so i took an early lunch at 12 pm. i was pretty productive and got my 5 videos edited. then i worked some more and listened in on an extended stand up. after that, i finished editing and uploaded some of them before leaving the office early. i was awake but my body was tired. i met with kevin at the train station (he got off early too). we got back and i finished up some work before taking a nap with kevin. we slept through our alarm LOL and kevin ended up waking me up 10 minutes before the painting session.

we headed over and were surprised that they were giving us pizza, wine, beer, and chicken wings <3 i ate two slices of pizza because i wasn’t gonna be sitting there painting while my tummy rumbled. we got to meet more of the residents at deco and it was nice. i painted a night version of the painting and kevin followed the instructions for a sunset landscape. one of the instructors, josh, worked on the animations and design for bioshock! what?! i’ve basically met a celebrity imo LOL. i didn’t play bioshock but i’ve seen the artwork and everything. we finished painting at like 9:30 pm and it was a successful “date night.” kevin’s painting skills have gotten a lot better! hhe. i made the mushroom rice and washed dishes. then i exercised while kevin cooked the rest of our lunch. then i showered and got in bed and played bravely default. omggg, i stayed up until 2:30 am playing x__X this is bad but the game is so addicting! i went to sleep around that time or something :P

28: mmmm i got to work a bit late again but no one was in the office. lol my entire team was wfh and only a few devs and the marketing team were here. i was pretty productive and then i got distracted and felt tired so i took a break from work to write in my tumblr... i just worked on editing and uploading videos today. it took my entire day. who knew that 5 videos under 6 minutes could take that long to edit. anyway, cole and stephen surprised us by coming in. :O they came from their client site and joined us for the free pizza provided by our forrester contact who was presenting for all-hands today. i ate pizza yesterday so i was like yolo, i’m gonna eat this. the pizza was way different from papa john’s. the crust was harder. i gave stephen and cole some of the candy gum i got from the grocery store and then we listened to the presentation. i got cole to sit in his old seat next to me today ahhaha. he did have to go in the office to talk to stephen a lot so i guess this new arrangement is good for them :P

i stayed longer than i expected but i did leave at around 4:30 pm. it was raining x__x i got back, took out the beef to defrost, and then tried out my new arctis 7 headset! :)))) the sound is alright but the mic is pretty good! i put it away, snacked a bit, and then did abs and cardio. kevin came back and turned on the wireless function for me. i think i’m gonna keep them. i prepped some veggies for dinner while kevin showered then i showered and we had leftovers and watched ‘how to get away with murder.’ then kevin started watching a dota game and i played with my headset. ;D i jammed out while he cooked and watched his game. then i played bravely default until 1 am or so. i was so tired by then. i brushed my teeth and went to sleep before 2 am.

29: it was nice to get 7 hours of sleep today...LOL. when i got up, i was productive because i needed to help sultan figure out this whole video organization thing. i needed to make things easier for him to update the videos. after that, i got to recording. these arctis 7 pick up my voice a lot easier so i need to be careful. i could hear myself breathing and stuff. .__. i had a client meeting today and i did a live tutorial for them (: yay! being active and actually talking in a call makes all the difference. i finished recording and then put away dishes and washed dishes. then kevin came home and gamed so i watched ‘jane the virgin.’ then we ate dinner and watched an episode of ‘how to get away with murder’ before kevin went back to gaming and i did new cardio excercises :) i did one with weights and i died. then we watched another episode, i took a nice long shower, and kevin did some work. i found out that my swollen “ring” toe might be hammer toe? mmmm. it’s probably caused by me working out without gym shoes because i do it at home... kevin and i tried taping it but failed. i finished watching ‘jane the virgin’ and then played a bit of ‘bravely default’ and went to sleep pretty early.

30: i felt sleepy even though i got more sleep? hmmm. the train was delayed so i got to work at 9:30 am even though i got on at like 8:40 am. cole got me a doughnut and i was confused because i thought he was just getting the office doughnuts? steve brought in mini cadbury eggs so it’s all coool. :P i got the gluten free chocolate doughnut and it was pretty good. mmm work went by fast. i had a good amount to do and then i was told to do some testing -- it was fun! cole and i figured out the chat and game audio problem. i was hearing a tinny sound on my game audio for some reason but then switching it to connect to my laptop rather than my monitor worked. :) i can now listen to music and be on calls and etc. so cool! anyway, i was pretty tired after work zzzz. i think the headset problem drained me haha. i ended the day with a call that ended at 5 pm and then took the train home -- it was emptier than usual. i was really tired so i was playing around with the idea of taking nap but, i just did 60 minutes of kickboxing instead. then i washed the dishes, made rice, and hit the shower. i started editing my 2min showcase video (i’m so latee but i’ve been busy) and then kevin came back, showered, and we ate dinner while watching tv. then i ko’d and woke up, washed the rest of the dishes, packed kevin’s lunch, brushed my teeth, and hit the hay. i woke up from my nap with soreness all around my core. i am ded. LOL. kevin and i went to sleep before 2 am. zzz. this week has been super tiring for both of us.

31: i got a lot of sleep, which was nice. i cleaned the dishwasher and washed the sheets all while working. we got pulled into a pretty intense meeting before stand up that continued on stand up. then i continued recording and the day ended with another intense stand up but then i was done for the day! kevin got back from work and we ate while watching some tv. then we went straight into cleaning the apartment for ryan and nluu’s stay here. then i did a bit of exercise but i was so physically worn out that i could only do 30 minutes of hip hop cardio and then i laid on the floor watching a vlog LOL. my body was just so sore all over. kevin was a bit worried about me but he had a lot of work to get done. so then i got up, showered, we made the bed, and i ko’d at like 12 am. i really do need some rest days but i feel bad for not moving and exercising every day. it seems like a waste. kevin ended up staying up until 3 am working on his project with old lab peeps.

apr01: we were going to arrive in yale late because of the weather and we needed more sleep. kevin also had to update his team on his progress from last night. we got gas and then kevin drove around 2 hours to get to yale. when we got there, vivian dropped us off at junzi and i had another delicious bowl <3 kevin got the chun bing so i tried it and i think that the noodle bowl is still better. then saad, jennie, nluu, kevin, and i got into the car and drove to the biggest bowling alley i’ve ever been to. the glow in the dark bowling thing is not my favorite though. i granny-rolled the whole 2 hours. nluu is a beast at bowling x__x kevin and nluu won the first round, then everyone else tied for the second round. it was fun! we ordered pizza and headed back to jennie’s place. vivian and saad went to pick up the pizza and get bubble tea. so we just chilled and when they came back, they played two rounds of avalon. i played bravely default while this was all happening haha. the mashed potato pizza and clam pizza were alright. saad apparently loves clam pizza. then we brought out the cake for nluu and sang happy birthday to him :P

we played fish bowl to wrap up the night and we left after the first round because it was nearing 11 pm and we wanted to get back to boston at a reasonable time. ryan took the train to new haven and met up with us. during the car ride back, we just talked about pokemon, our jobs, our lives, etc. it was nice. nluu ko’d at some point. we all lazed around until 4 am...LOL ryan and nluu were playing the guitar and ukulele, kevin was watching a dota game, and i stayed up playing bravely default. so much for fixing my diet and sleeping schedule x__x

apr 02: mmmm everyone got up around 11 am or 12 pm. i played bravely default while the guys played a steam game, played on the guitar and ukulele, and made congee. this game is so interesting now! we bummed until around 3 pm and then everyone went grocery shopping. kevin was a bit scatterbrained because he was worrying about climbing and dinner and etc. x__x; the shopping trip took longer than expected and everyone got hungry. so we got back and toasted some hawaiian bread rolls. then the guys left to climb. we stopped by oh my tea and experienced the worst customer service ever: they ran out of boba (wtf) and the new hire like rq’d on us while taking our order. whut. my opinion of this boba place has now dipped drastically. kevin got the green apple green tea and ryan got the red bean milk tea without boba. ryan’s drink was really good :O

i played more bravely default while doing laundry and then i did obliques and cardio. then i showered and folded the laundry. the guys came back with wingsover and fat cat. ryan and i got the lobster and crab wrap, which wasn’t that great. so i ate the wings and a good amount of fries. mmm. we watched ‘the voice’ videos and hot sauce videos basically. then nluu, ryan, and i just talked about random things and we played a spontaneous writing game. someone would read a line from a cookbook and then we raced to finish writing first while trying to write legibly. one person would be in the other room and not listening to what the sentence is and then come out to judge, ahah. i beat ryan and ryan beat kevin. the guys took turns showering/using the bathroom and then they went to play pool and chill in the lounge. it was pretty late by then so i played a bit of bravely default and then ko’d at like 2 am. i knew i was going to be sooper tired tomorrow.

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