#i am so tired all the time
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I'm like if a girl who didn't do much was still experiencing burnout
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Something that fully healthy people don't really seem to understand about chronic health issues is what running on an energy deficit is like long-term. It's more exhausting than you can possibly imagine if you haven't experienced it.
How does that work? Well, it's sort of like this. Everybody has a certain amount of energy. When you're healthy and well-rested, you feel pretty good. There are artificial boosters that give you more energy, too. You can do all sorts of stuff.
When you get tired, you can still do some stuff but you can't do as much and what you can do might suffer from lack of energy. Except that's essentially your every day existence with chronic health issues. You go to sleep tired, and wake up tired--sometimes more tired!
Your energy levels rarely reach "full"--that is, there's few points where you are in a "well rested" state where you feel pretty good and have "normal" levels of energy. You're *always* operating in "low battery" mode rather than being fully charged, and you drain *fast*.
This makes doing basic tasks much harder than need be--things that drain a little energy you notice a hell of a lot more when you're already dead tired than when you're well-rested. Like how when your phone drops from 10% to 9% you notice more than from 100% to 99%.
You can do some stuff--but you have an upper limit of what you can do that's a lot lower than other people. And functioning while running against a deficit at all times means a *lot* of careful, conservative planning to husband your strength for when you need it most.
It means sometimes spending 30 minutes deliberating what you should buy when you reach the store because you're trying to guess "will I have the energy to prepare this food after shopping? Will I later this week?" You hedge your bets when you can.
It means skipping out on a lot of stuff you'd otherwise love to do because you just can't be sure you'll have the energy to do it without landing yourself in bed for the next 3 days by pushing yourself to collapse. It's depressing. And it's exhausting.
EDIT: This post is for people with physical AND mental health causes for their fatigue and exhaustion, by the way! I know there are posts that really are meant only for one or the other and it's rude to hijack them, but if you find this resonates with you then you're welcome to it regardless of the cause!
#i am so tired all the time#chronic illness#the worst part is that it's not visible externally#so ppl assume we're being lazy or that we're being dicks and not doing stuff#when what's really going on is we're just too damn exhausted#and people just can't really understand that and they don't even try#it's frustrating to be berated and expected to perform to normal standards when you CANNOT#this post is for those who have physical OR mental causes for their exhaustion and fatigue!#this isnt one of those times where a post is meant only for once set of people#those posts are importand and have their place but this post is open to everyone
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i've had an ais fic idea in my head for a while now..... i just haven't had the time or energy to write it..... i use it to fall asleep sometimes..... it's pure angst...... but also kinda wholesome...... in an angst kinda way..........
#it was originally for my mc but i wanna write it as an mc-insert so ppl can enjoy#although it prob wouldn't be a one size fits all. but i'm fine with that lol#sighs#i am so tired all the time#ais please let me sleep under the watchful eye of octobussy so i feel safe#also hold my hand too#touchstarved game#skkskwkwkw#( A SPARROW SINGS ) * my posts!
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If anyone wants me to write a Halloween fic, speak now or forever hold your peace 🙃
#i got the energy to maybe write three at the most#day shift is not for me#i am so tired all the time
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I need a cigarette
but like
for my soul
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love falling asleep on people u know i love the trust there i love snoozing on someone’s shoulder and knowing they won’t move until i wake up i love the warmth i love sleep as an expression of closeness
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Playing Nice
This is a short one for me. It's supposed to have a second scene, and I might eventually add it as a part two.
This takes place like a week before part one of Illusory.
cw: repeated mentions of child abuse
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Black Ice adjusted his tie, trying to find the right balance between well-dressed and choking. He touched his thin briefcase reassuringly, trying not to bounce his leg. He settled for tugging on his slacks and picking a hair off of them.
It was amazing how stressful normal shit could be sometimes. Hand-to-hand sparring with someone twice his size? Easy. Racing other flyers to avoid the stick? A laugh. Going to an interview to get accepted onto the heroes roster?
He was fucking dying.
"No way," someone said from down the hall. Black Ice looked up to the speaker, and he felt the stiff kick of adrenalin to see two black, armored uniforms staring at him. Just his luck. He mustered up a friendly, polite smile, and the two enforcers started cautiously towards him. "Are you… Black Ice?" the one asked. She wasn't wearing head gear, and as she got closer, Black Ice could see the crow's feet and fine lines on her face.
"Hopefully not for much longer," he replied, chipper. He looked down and patted his brief case, then smiled back up at the two.
"Wait," the other enforcer, a man closer to Black Ice's age, said.
"Yeah," the first one griped, gesturing stiffly to him, "this is the little bastard that blew up Genesis Labs."
Great.
"Now, hold on," Black Ice began, pulling on his best smile. He stood slowly, holding up his hands when both enforcers touched the stun guns on their hips. Black Ice hesitated, looking between them, before meeting the woman's eye. He turned up the charm, making his smile crooked and more playful. "I think we can all agree that that place was unethical."
The man shifted, glancing to the woman. Black Ice held her gaze, tilting his chin down slightly. She looked him up and down in a flash before meeting his eyes again.
"I reacted unethically, and I'm ready to admit that," he went on. "But given the circumstances, can you see how my response was appropriate?"
The woman tensed her jaw, anger flaring in her eyes. "I don't know," she challenged, taking a step closer. "Johnson? Do you think it's appropriate to kill forty hard-working men and women for a kindergarten freak show?"
Black Ice's smile fell instantly, hatred and rage rising to a boil in his chest. The lab had been full of kids, little kids to teenagers, who had done nothing wrong. Kids who were just trying to survive that fucking place. Kids who were sweet, and good, and did everything they were told, and still got the fucking knife because they were different.
Black Ice bit down hard on the snarl trying to twist his expression, but the younger enforcer still took a step back. Black Ice kept his gaze on the woman, fighting the urge to drop his temperature until she couldn't breathe his air. She was nervous now, too, gripping the handle of her stun gun as he took a step forward. He couldn't do anything to this woman, to anyone. He had to be added to the hero roster. He needed to get back inside S.A.I.
"Do you think it's appropriate," Black Ice growled, leaning in closer, looming over her, "for forty-two grown men and women to muscle around a bunch of children? To watch, while sixty-five kids are beaten, starved, terrorized, and caged?"
She kept glaring at him, squaring her shoulders like she somehow still had the moral high ground. He didn't let her reply.
"I did what I did because I was trying to save people," he rumbled. "You people are just a bunch of glorified mercenaries."
"You have no idea what we do," she snapped.
"Enlighten me."
"We're the reason people like you survive as long as you do," she hissed, jabbing a finger into his chest. He clenched his fists, baring his teeth, but not using his powers despite the burning need to. "Without us, you and every other entitled mutant would be mincemeat on day one."
"Funny," Black Ice spat, his eyes deathly sharp, "since a fourteen-year-old made such easy work of you."
She grabbed him by the throat and slammed him into the wall, both hands wrapped around his neck as the chair clattered behind him. He was already holding her wrists, ready to get up and yank her off of the ground, when the door opened.
"Hey!" another woman shouted. The enforcer stilled, but she didn't let go of Black Ice. He tried to soften his expression, clenching his jaw and tamping his roiling hatred down to a simmer. "Is there a problem?"
Black Ice watched the enforcer, a smug sense of satisfaction creeping in. What was she going to say? Yeah, there's a problem, this asshole killed a bunch of people a decade ago? This bastard has a smart mouth? He provoked me from all the way across the hall because he was just sitting there minding his own fucking business?
Black Ice smirked. The enforcer let him go, her expression tightly pinched.
"No, there's no problem," she said as Black Ice tugged his rumpled suit back into rights.
"Then please don't assault anyone," the new woman snapped. Black Ice just kept smiling at the enforcer as she tried to glare a hole into his face. "We're ready for you, now, Black Ice."
He finally broke eye contact with his assailant to pick up his suitcase, which had fallen to the floor during her little outburst. He turned to her again, offering her the most disgustingly sweet smile he could muster. "See you in the field, ma'am," he said through his teeth.
"I'm looking forward to it," she growled.
#Fayte writes#writeblr#writing#hero agency#sassy villain#oc: Black Ice#barely edited#I am so tired#I am so tired all the time#I freaking love Morning Frost not gonna lie#he's trying so damned hard even if he's not really doing the right thing#I want to write more about him before and after#maybe when my battery holds a charge#going through Illusory again just reminded me that I really enjoyed that story#and now I'm trying to put out more bits and bobs of it for funsies#Morning Frost has a lot to him and I know I could make another story about him#maybe#maybe maybe maybe#anyway
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you know, over the summer i had a big crying session roughly every two weeks, bc i was rly stressed out about starting school and feeling like i'm not good enough and i'm gonna fail spectacularly. and i was like "damn, i've been crying a lot lately". but while the fear and self hatred were very much real, a small, more rational part of me did think "it's gonna get better once i start school, i'll realize i've been freaking out over nothing, it's gonna be fine really".
now i've been going to school a little over a month and um. now i cry like. every day? i either cry in the car after school or at night in bed, or both. once i did already on my way to school. every day i feel either tired, sad, or angry, or two of the above, or all or the above. never none of the above though. the hating of myself and feeling like i'm going to fail has not gone away. if anything i'd say it's a little stronger now? i'm just constantly stressed about everything all the time. there's too much going on all at once. while our school has lots of great aspects and great things, i really do feel like i hate my school, the bits that are bad are just so fucking. so fucking bad. so i'm just annoyed and stressed and sad. genuinely good days are a very rare occurence now.
i was just about to cry myself to sleep but had to stop and get up cus i started seriously hyperventilating.
funny how life turns out huh
#sorry for ranting about my misery except i'm not sorry because this is my blog and i do whatever the fuck i want#the slapping Myself In The Face When I'm Frustrated habit has come back stronger than ever 👍#i was raised to never quit stuff and like. hold onto stuff you've commited to. so like#whatever it is in life i'm used to just always pushing through no matter what#i'm wondering if this one's gonna be my breaking point#am i finally gonna reach the point. where i just. can't anymore#if i can just power through this that will be really impressive#because i am just#so tired#i am so tired all the time#i'm just so desperate to not be at school. and yet i have signed up to a thing that will have me spending more time at school#it's important to me and i don't wanna skip out on it but#by god i'm just tired#and i'm sad and#angry and#god i wish i knew how to scream#god i wish i could go outside at night and both be and feel safe#god i wish i could stop time#i am not doing good#i am not doing good at all#fuck#eg posts
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once again i am eepy
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been wanting to disappear once again. i just hate myself and hate my art and feel so frustrated that i am so mediocre. i feel like i dont cherish the people around me properly and just cause them pain or disappointment. i am just a whiny bitch who does nothing to get better at my work and then feel angry about it.
i constantly feel like an annoyance and i am tired of it.
#suicide mention#i am so tired all the time#i wish i could give up every skill i have so get rd of this adhd debuff#i want to be normal so bad#i dont want hyperfixations#i dont want to be overwhelmingly passionate about things#it sounds nice on paper but it sucks#i dont wanna draw at all but i have pending comms
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oh my god today needs to fuck off already
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i need motivation to work on the advent fics
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i am a simple man, all i want to do is get a proper nights sleep
#exam season is kicking me rn#i am so tired all the time#just a week and a half left#theodore rambles
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going to be waking up somewhere in the 1 AM - 4 AM window to wallow in anxiety for a couple hours about a social interaction I had today
#you can be depressed and alone#or you can be anxious and social#and still depressed though#i am so tired all the time#every day is another punishment
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I have not been able to do A Creative in a month. I got a new job that’s great but very busy and intense and now we’re having to move unexpectedly and the weather is dark and making me incredibly sad.
I miss writing. I miss having the energy to write. But I started thinking about some of WIP last night and it made me so happy. Hopefully soon I can get back into it.
#blog post#life#I am so sad and stressed right now#it is dark and wet and I am a sunlight creature#I am so tired all the time#I miss writing
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"You should have multiple streams of income"
Please, having one stream of income is taking all I have
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