feeling very grateful for my mother and therapist who find it in their hearts to tell me every single time i mention therapy that i should "consider doing every other week" while denying that it's strictly a time/money incentive for them because i will always explain very clearly that i cannot do anything other than weekly and they'll go okay i get it and then next week ask me again. Like hearing this from my mom, whatever, she doesn't know my issues. hearing it from my fucking therapist, though?

i am going to be soooo fucked for this therapy appt _(:_」∠)_

go in at work at 1030 or go at 9 like usual

maybe I'll just walk down to the river and have a good long scream. i wont, bc it's still dangerously cold out, but maybe if i imagine it that's close enough

bweeeeeegghhhhhhh -_-

"its okay to take a night off and rest and not do anything productive because youve been pushing way too hard and youre getting burnt out" vs "oh fuck oh god i just wasted the 3-5 hours of free time i get after work and now its 9pm and i have to go to bed soon or ill be just as tired tomorrow" FIGHT

i woke up in a Bad Headspace today and imma use by blog to vent about it like it's livejournal circa 2004.

tw for discussion of medical stuff

- I hate xmas. I'm jewish but my dad is not and the pressure to have An Perfect Xmas every year and the disappointment every year just grosses me out now. Not even going to talk about american xtian hegemony but there's some of that in there too.

- Today i began to suspect that the awesome new migraine med that actually stops my weather-induced migraines might also be interfering with the efficiacy of my prediabetes meds. or maybe im wrong and im Just That Fucking Exhausted.

- Spouse spent all last week recovering from a severe medication allergy and hives on 70% of his body. and steroids Do Not Agree with him so it was just. a wild time. terrifying af. stood over him with an EpiPen basically the entire time.

- 3 days before The Hives, i scratched my cornea while pruning bushes and that right there is a pain i do not ever want to revisit. had to go to the optometrist and get The Goo.

- 2 days before Cornea i had my first Botox For Migraine treatment. 31 injections to the face, neck and shoulders. it stung but it was over in like 4 minutes. takes 3 sessions to start kicking in. sessions are 12 weeks apart. so i guess we'll find out in August if it's working.

- day before Botox i had an ENT appointment and he stuck a camera up my nose and then diagnosed me with a weird vocal cord paralysis thing so now i have to go back to speech therapy for the first time in 26 years.

- Week before that, saw my neurologist and she diagnosed me with a weird intermittent lazy eye / motion lag thingamawhatsis so now i have to go to an ophthalmologist AND vision therapy.

- That week I also saw my PCP and explained to her about the intermittent abdominal pain I've been having since like 2021. She took me seriously!!! Which is good!!! But now i am scheduled for baby's first colonoscopy. And i have to keep a food journal, which i HATE because food is STUPID.

- All of the above all happened this month btw. December 1-23.

- My final appt in November was yet another ultrasound of my former left tit because there is an oil cyst at the site of my top surgery and they are VERY SURE it is a benign oil cyst but the rules require them to poke it every few months for 2-3 years.

- Before that I had a 48 hour ambulatory EEG which was the itchiest i have ever been in my LIFE. That same week our basement stairs collapsed and a contractor had to come rebuild them (up! to! code!). That same week i also went to the dentist to get my crown fitted.

- I think my MIL was in the hospital that same week, too. so that's a thing that's been going on the whole time since then.

- I spent most of October deathly ill with food poisoning thst was originally misdiagnosed as viral. I ended up with a CT scan and colitis. and, eventually, cipro. it was the sickest i have ever been in my adult life. i would rather have mono again. i fantasized about those cholera beds with the hole in the center so you didnt have to get up to have your horrid dysentery. nightmare.

- The day before that hit i had ONE golden day where i felt good and had energy. we went to temple and i got glomped by about 10 different people. my 80 year old bestie kept finding me to hug me again. Rabbi hugged me super hard.

- Before that was a root canal, and before that was a tooth infection that took 2 rounds of antibiotics to kill, and before that was the original cavity filling that started it all. the dentist kindly comped me the $172 for the filling against the $3,800 bill for the root canal + crown.

- Before that? IDEK man. I have lost track. Somewhere in there i got diagnosed with insulin resistance which explained my HORRENDOUSLY TERRIBLE fatigue and cloudiness and waking up starving every 3 hours. The meds they gave me changed that literally overnight. it was a miracle. which is why im freaking out about the new migraine med possibly counteracting that. i spent the entirety of last summer in a fog. several of my very good friends visited and all i could do was nap on them. i couldnt go anywhere or do anything. it was a nightmare. i don't want to go back to that. but also i don't want to have a migraine every time the wind blows. but i would rather have a migraine 50% of the time than be back to that fatigue fogged state 100% of the time. nope nope nope.

- and amongst all of this, still having the seizures. they were going down for a while but the last week or so has been 1-2 per day. so. another checkmark in the "gee do you think you're stressed?" column.

- it is going on 10pm and I'm tired so i very likely have accidentally omitted several other things. to be fair to me, there's Quite A Bit to remember.

- so if youre wondering why i havent updated my latest fic, its partly bc i am TIRED and partly bc if i gave jason even a third of the health bullshit i have dealt with the past few months, it would absolutely defy belief. TWO kinds of eye problems AND a speech problem AND food poisoning AND dentistry?? surely no one in the world has to deal with that much!

sigh. anyway. thanks for listening. i promise i am stressed out of my GOURD but, shockingly, have not slid into any sort of depressive space. mostly im just annoyed. i spent today watching dinosaur documentaries and reorganizing my craft supplies.

tomorrow will be better. today just sucked.

I’m going to see if writing this out in this anonymous space helps me at all.

My dad has cancer. He was diagnosed a couple of years ago. It’s been under control until now, when it has spread quite aggressively to his bones. He called a family zoom meeting and told us. It was two weeks ago, the day after the baby had moved. At the time I had no capacity to deal with another trauma. I actually felt angry that he was imposing another trauma on me when I was already maxed out. Of course I didn’t say that. I messaged my sister to ask if she knew what was going on, and she sent me a screenshot of a message from my mum to her, saying “the appointment was awful but your dad will have to tell you”. This is how we communicate in our family, we are all scared of my dad so we message around him.

Since that meeting, my dad has had another scan and then was awaiting an appointment for decisions on chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

I messaged our family chat (just my parents, sister and me) at the weekend and asked if there was any update. No reply. My sister messages me privately and says, he’s due an appointment on Monday, but she doesn’t want to say that in the family chat in case she gets told off for speaking out of turn because she knows our dad likes to tell things in his own time. (Can you feel the dysfunction bouncing out of the screen?)

On Monday morning, I wonder to myself if the appt will go ahead because there’s a doctors strike here in the UK. I am too scared to ask this in the family chat. Later that day, I message my sister to ask if she knows if the appt has gone ahead. She says as far as she knows it was still planned to happen. On this basis, I message the family chat asking if it’s going ahead. Within an hour, my dad replies that he got the appointment day wrong and it’s not till Thursday.

To anyone in the outside world, we appear a very normal happy functional family, two parents in a loving marriage, two successful, happily married children and a generation of grandchildren . But underneath are layers of complicated stuff that the world doesn’t get to see. We are all scared of my dad, to varying extents and manifesting in various ways. I think I am the most scared, maybe because I faced his anger/impatience the most as a child and tried to shield my younger sister from it, maybe because I am more sensitive and affected by others moods and prone to blaming myself. T knows all this and I wish I could have her back to process what’s happening now with, because in order to try and work through it with a new therapist, they would first need all the back story, which feels so exhausting to go through again.

When we were on holiday with my parents in the summer, it was all (mostly) fine when everyone was together. But one evening everyone else went out to the cinema, leaving me and my dad home alone. I was in such a state of anxiety the entire time, watching the minutes tick down until everyone was back, and praying that he wouldn’t speak to me. I feel so ashamed that this is our relationship and I know my dad would be very hurt and shocked if he knew (he genuinely believes he was an amazing parent), but also the magnitude of trying to unravel it and either shatter his belief in himself or destroy his relationship with me is unthinkable. Aside from anything, I’m just not brave enough.

So I carry on, trying to walk the tightrope of saying the right things at the right time and keeping quiet at the right times, tiptoeing round the emotional landmines, and trying to hold all the complicated feelings of sadness and relief and grief in some sort of same time existence.

And I wonder how bad it should get before I take myself back to therapy.

L after fucking L at the clinic today for FOUR STRAIGHT hours

First, [Specialist] was out here like, bro i think you just have [fully recoverable virus for humans commonly associated with dogs, NOT lycanthropy sadly], I'm like THE DISEASE THAT DOGS GET?? He was like yeah but the human kind dw. But I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. I was like bro come on. And then he sent me to the lab for bloodwork just to make sure I have fully recoverable dog virus where they took even more of my blood...please...ladies....how will the sexy vampires feast on me tonight if I have no blood...

Then went to my gp and took seventeen more losses. Told her some symptoms that were bothering me for a while, she was like lmao bro you haven't dealt with this REOCCURRING ON A WEEKLY BASIS SYMPTOM for HOW long!!? I was like lady listen. You referred me to [a different specialist] in 2021 and he did blood work and was just like take antihistamines and i got super mad and never saw him again. She was like ok but the antihistamines did not work?? And you just lived like that?? FOR TWO YEARS?? I was like i have a tragic backstory involving the medical field that causes me to shy away from seeking medical help!!! She was like ok but I'm writing you another referral You Do Not Have To Live Like This.

Then [Department I was referred to] called me while I was sitting in the lobby waiting in fifteen minute vaccine jail (ya boy will be fully hepatitis b vaccinated soon...fellas watch out...) and they were like sooo you're actually an established patient of this man due to seeing him in 2021...so you have to see him. I was like, must I. Simply must I. And the nice administrator on the phone was like, well most of our department is going on vacation this summer, butttttt. yeah no you do lol. I was like I GUESS!! But at least this appt is in person unlike the last one, which was telehealth - I am way better at advocating for myself in person. so if he says hmm, i think you should take even more antihistamines i can fight him in real life.

And then i had to get an x-ray bc apparently [ENTIRELY UNRELATED SYMPTOM TO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT I THOUGHT WAS JUST A SYMPTOM OF AGING] is not something doctors are generally thrilled to hear abt you having for years. And i met a very nice x-ray technician who was a little on edge bc there was a kid in the next x-ray room having a screaming meltdown you could hear from the waiting room. I was like bro i get it. I also need to go scream in front of my mom

And then after all that was done, i texted my mom tell her that i probably have a dog virus that isn't even lycanthropy and she was buddy you had dog virus in preschool lmao you'll live. Pain.

I also apparently canceled therapy in a fugue state sometime in the past two weeks so i only have one more healthcare appointment this week 😩 but this last one i am not dreading TOO much bc a) this was not a referral, i choose her specifically based on the stress i have around [fourth probably unrelated problem to everything else, not lycanthropy] and b) i had a fifteen minute consult with her last week where she was like hmm. Wow. I need to see you weekly, actually. And sent me intake forms immediately. So while this one will be an expensive weekly pain in the ass, at least i will not be waiting until August like my other damn specialist.

Anyway the reason i wrote all that out is a) you all were so kind and sympathetic while i have been going tf thru it for the past three weeks and I felt you deserved an update that i am NOT dying imminently, 2) i learned a valuable lesson today which is that if you put off dealing with/refuse to deal with several physical health problems separately for several years, eventually they snowball to a point where you just feel bad in your body all the time and then it's even more of a pain in the ass to deal with them all at once and you run the risk of being at the clinic for four hours straight slowly losing the will to live. Don't be me, don't do that. Address what is making you feel bad in your body and make sure your problems are heard. Like i am saying this as someone with medical trauma. It is YOUR body and YOUR life, you do not have to spend every day feeling bad for (likely) treatable reasons.

And I'm not even a werewolf 😭😭😭

things that are bad today list

The Tummy Problems Continue And They're Getting Weirder

i emailed my prof bc i missed class due to said ongoing health issue and instead of being like "oh that sucks take your time" she basically told me she was gonna fail me after four absences which granted is the school's absence policy BUT i have accommodations and i'm a senior based on credit hours so.....i know the attendance policy. how is your response to someone missing class for the first time due to a health issue that they can't control that you're gonna fail them if they miss four classes

my doctor hasn't gotten back to me about my blood test despite there being an alert on it. i even called the office but i am cursed to wait

the anxiety consumes me because i found out today that there actually is someone in my family who died of colon cancer and there is still a non-zero chance that that's what's going on with me

i want to eat and drink so bad but i just can't do anything. i feel so paralyzed and it's awful !! no work no eating no showering. just sitting and rotting and thinking.

i have so much work due this week that i think the stress is beginning to kill me slowly. in one instance, the prof i mentioned earlier put an earlier due date on an assignment than what was on the syllabus so i had to work at the speed of fast last night because i thought i had till next week. well turns out we're back to the original due date because people were begging her to give us longer

my therapy appt was a lot yesterday and a lot of talking about the Bad Things specifically my OCD so it's on my mind and i can't stop thinking about it

sad

In 2022, I had an estimated 129 medical appointments. Many times I had 5 appts a week, 3 in a day even.

Here is some of the necessary care I fought for all year but still can’t access:

❌ Surgery to address upper cervical instability and 2 bulging discs in my neck ❌ Physical therapy to address my thoracic pain (it took 13 months to get an MRI) and being unable to sit up for long, as well as for my right arm nerve abnormality. Every referral for PT was over an hour away. I can't sit up to drive that long anymore. They can send the disabled shuttle to pick me up, but that's actually even longer sitting up so it's not helpful. ❌ IV ketamine to manage my depression, C-PTSD, autoimmune disorders, and chronic pain (ended up going with at-home ketamine thanks to GFM donations, but IV would be better distribution for inflammation/pain) ❌An updated sleep study since it’s been nearly 10 years since my type 2 narcolepsy diagnosis and some of my other symptoms such as frequent painful myoclonus and choking in my sleep are now making it even harder to get consistent shut-eye ❌Disability benefits and Medicare as I’m now officially considered a “complex” case and have been dropped by doctors who didn't feel they could help me ❌Endometriosis excision surgery + getting my blood-filled ovarian cyst (red thing in photo) dealt with. After several months of going to multiple specialists to rule out other things, including cancer (being monitored for lymphoma/leukemia now), I was sent to a gynecological oncologist surgeon who does the complete wrong outdated terrible no good surgery. She wanted to just do a full hysterectomy and ablation of endo lesions. ❌An updated 1 year colonoscopy after my disastrous 2021 ulcerative colitis/endometriosis flare up that landed me in the hospital. My mesorectal lymph nodes are a little enlarged and there’s a mysterious lesion in my colon, which is why they sent me to a cancer doctor for bloodwork and PET scan—but I strongly believe it’s just endometriosis invading my bowels, which is why I need the endo surgery so bad as well. I'm at the point where my colon will completely go on strike and the pain from the constipation is ER-level (especially when my period from hell comes). It's also just dangerous. I've never had this problem so intensely before, so I'm being even more careful with food and supplements. ❌Pelvic floor physical therapy to help with debilitating pelvic pain caused by endometriosis and other things ❌ A pain management doctor who can prescribe me Tramadol, which helps keep me out of the ER every month, and that has minimal side effects. Something I’ve taken safely for 6 years with no complications. Instead, they'll only Rx Suboxone, which makes it hard to function and has side effects that can cause colitis or narcolepsy complications. I have to take 1/8 of a dose and I still pay for it later.

I had so many arguments with doctors to correct them when they brought up the wrong treatment, wrong surgery, etc. Not only did some of them already know it was bullshit, but others wouldn’t even try to have an open enough mind to keep learning past medical school.

This year was a lot of disappointment and frustration. I feel so worn down. This kind of medical trauma erodes hope and optimism. When intuition about our own bodies and the hours we put into research means nothing to medical professionals or insurance, it feels like we're at the end of the road. I wouldn’t wish the necessity for this kind of resilience on anyone. I wouldn’t have been able to withstand this year without the ketamine therapy or support from friends and followers. I cannot express what it means to have that, especially when I'm still pretty isolated day-to-day. To manage things on my own, I paid out of pocket for acupuncture, cryotherapy, red light therapy, ketamine, many new supplements, all kinds of new massage/trigger point/gua sha/acupressure tools. I went hard on a self-care/pain mgmt routine that I’m proud of, but I’m still very much disabled by persistent, impenetrable chronic pain/fatigue. I was thankfully able to get some prescriptions that help with flare ups, such as Xanax and Toradol. This is one of my many blessings in 2022. My fight is far from over but I want to go into 2023 with softness.

No more pushing through 16 appts per month while also forcing myself to constantly record and edit new content. I want to recline my floor chair and rest my back while I focus on editing older stuff. I have no idea how long it will take to get through my backlog of projects but I’m going to be putting certain things on hiatus so I can just take it slow.

If you enjoy any of my content at all, please share it and consider donating. Your support helps me afford my supplements and medication to keep managing my symptoms even when I'm not able to work that much. GoFundMe: Help New get relief from chronic pain & illness Ko-Fi: Make a micro-donation (name in YouTube endscreen!) Patreon: Monthly support and access to Hologram Discord server (name in YouTube endscreen!) Thank you for helping me be strong this year, Holograms. I love you all very much.

And we are off

My husband has the kids at a state nature preserve while I packed and cleaned up the house. All done and enjoying twenty glorious minutes alone on the couch. My Aunt/Uncle, cousin and their two friends are staying while we are gone. NYC rent is too expensive to leave this place empty. My Aunt is so excited. She's had a rough year so I'm glad she'll will get some fun in.

I cannot wait to be swimming at the hotel pool tmrw. For some reason I'm feeling confident about baby boy flying. The flight to California was a true disaster but I think we've figured it out now. Fingers crossed I'm not in denial.

My husband's boss is leaving. They immediately offered him the position. He doesn't really want to take it. Its a big pay raise but will be longer hours at work. He would still be able to leave the office at 5pm but would be up after the kids go to bed working. There is no part of me that feels like either of us have more hours to spare. Baby boy is really draining all of our energy and its still very unclear what supports he will need in the future. At the same time, it will be hard to turn down the extra pay. He is very lucky to get a full pension based on his three highest years pay (thank you govt work in a liberal state). He can retire at 57 - so its not money just for the next few years but for the next 30 + years. I mean this most likely won't be his last promotion but every step upward counts. If he passes away the pension passes to me. Current employees don't get these benefits - he got in right before they changed the rules. He's been there 20 years now. He/we will have the entire vacation to think about it. Nice either way that they offered it to him. He's also had this amazing boss forever. I'm warning him how miserable his life can get if he gets a bad boss.

Baby boys been behaving very well for the past two days. Maybe he's maturing?? Maybe he just has good and bad days?? He is so damn cute. Last night I told him I was taking the girls somewhere. He goes "Oh, okay. You go Japan???" HA! HA! No kid. The next trip to Japan you are coming.

The girls begged to have a pedicure before vacation. I took them last night. Said it was a treat for doing so well in school. Very cute/fun. Bee is so much more girly then I am.

Foster agency is sticking to making us be re-certified. I can't think about it until we are back. Of course, no one has given us an adoption date so no idea when we need to get the trainings over with. Such a massive waste of time.

Baby boys therapies need to be switched from Department of Health to Dept of Education now that he turned three. After a month of pestering, they sent me a list of over 200 evaluation places throughout the city. I called over 20. None have evaluation appts before October. I put us on all of the waiting lists. Will probably try to pay out of pocket for OT, PT, etc until he is adopted and he can go on our private insurance. Its unGodly expensive. Need to figure out what services will help him. A little lost honestly. Weight vests, weighted blankets, crash pads, sensory toys, brush techniques? Will these things help him?? Do we have room for those things (=No). Need to start videoing when he's really unregulated. One-on-one in an OT office is not going to show what we are talking about. Of course, the foster agency doesn't bother responding to my emails related to any of these services. The medical lady used to be the one consistently competent person at the agency. She moved on and of course the new person is useless.

im nervous bc idk what my schedule will look ljke if i do get the barista job im gna be full time and prob just gna do whatever hours they need and shifts but mayb i can have a day in the week off so i can have my therapy appts or for doctors appts n stuff i need to find a gyno before im done w this current bc pill pack bc im out of refills after ugh! and still need to find a psych. trying to look forward to life and being 23 and being proud of myself for going to this interview at least ut i do not feel that good i dont rly wanna work for 10$ an hr LOL 🥹and i have to take a test first after like 2 wks of training to be eligible to get tips at that place lol

tag game✨

tagged by: @redbelles the >:)

tea, coffee, or soda?

tea for illness, coffee when i’m feeling like That Bitch, yk, and soda when i just really need those goddamn bubbles

dogs or cats?

whoever’s gonna mind their own business (and sometimes it’s a toss-up!), but generally more of a dog person

can you play an instrument?

i’ll go ham on a kazoo, man, i’ll ruin your whole day

what’s your sun sign?

libra, and girl it shows

first song lyrics that pop into your head?

🎶 i’m dyin’ for some action, i’m sick of sittin’ ’round here tryna write this book, i need a love reaction, c’mon now baby gimme just one look

do you have any tattoos?

eight, and the next one’s a cover-up so it’ll be a minute before i move on to double digits

favorite place you’ve traveled:

i’m a midwest girlie, i just love me some flat stretches of nothing road and the mcdonald’s at the next exit, hmkay.

but ask me again this time next year and i’m sure the answer will be new orleans, as my sister’s wedding weekend will be… an Experience (affectionate)

what’s the last movie you watched?

i’m in the midst of a teen movie kick to gather inspo for book 2, can’t quite remember which order i’ve knocked them out in, but the last couple were everybody wants some!!, booksmart, and superbad

you can hang out with one fictional character for an hour—who is it?

i spend enough time with these clowns in my head okay i’m all set

compliment yourself:

i tried to sneak my way out of listing my “strengths” during my therapy intake appt, and u think i’m gonna just pony up the self-love for a tumblr game? think again, buckaroo, i’m outta here*

*genuinely cannot think of anything, it’s like when someone asks what you’ve been listening to lately and suddenly you’re pretty sure you’ve never heard music in your whole life

tagging: man whoever feels like it, i’m tired—but if the spirit moves you, go for it

more about possible autism thoughts...

i didnt mention it til now but my last therapy appt went kind of weird. it was obvious that my therapist doesnt have a well rounded knowledge on autism, and her examples were of the “low functioning”, and she kept saying that I would be “high functioning” and therefore dont have autism/autistic traits. again, she was using very outdated terms and language that ive learned from autistic folks to be generally frowned upon. having functioning labels pushed on to me, along side not really getting a word in to what i was feeling, make me feel like there was no point in even trying to bring up the autistic traits i related to. im still struggling to understand myself and why now its all catching up to me, the anxiety and the sensory issues ive had, the social exhaustion and irritability...wouldn’t it have been more productive to talk about the reasons why i felt connected to autistic experiences rather than go through every way i dont? or, at the very least, why my therapist thinks I dont despite me feeling like the person i am in office is highly curated just for that social context.

sigh. either way, she gave me hw to keep track of my symptoms or things I notice to b more autistic but like. man that whole session really turned me off. now i dont even want to keep figuring this out with her if its just going to be weird. and im not even saying that i know for sure that i have autism! i just wanted a session that felt safe and welcoming to question myself based on my own experiences. and it just wasnt. which is weird because i never had an issue with her til now.

anyway. my classes started today but i didnt have any actual classes until tomorrow. and i like school, i really do, but now that im more aware of my sensory issues and my social needs, im starting to feel more anxiety than dread. like how loud will spaces be? will i let myself rock in public? will i have time to transition better between classes and social events? its just mostly anxiety about going outside and being seen. idk, it freaks me out. wear a mask and feel good that no ones looking at my face, or get stared at for wearing one when everyone else isnt. idk idk it all just sucks in my brain rn and maybe it wont be as bad. but i really dont like this limbo im in. I love being alone and i really crave it more than ever, but what if its more anxiety than social exhuastion? but i still get exhuasted even after being with people all day, especially if i dont have my low sensory hours. idk idk ughhh its just so frustrating trying to understand myself, especially because now i feel weird about going back to therapy. i wud appreciate any insight or tips for how to regulate better <3

That moment when you are so fuckin sleep deprived that you pretty much shut down and collapse in the middle of a family gathering.🙃 Got home thankfully and got in bed and passed tf out. Therapy office calls at 6:30 and I panic thinking I’m late even though therapy is tomorrow at 6. Nothing is wrong they’re just making sure I know my appt is tomorrow and their texting software isn’t working. So now I’m awake but my body is so so tired that I literally cannot function and I’ve given up and have taken sleeping meds and I’m going to bed for the night. Also gonna try taping my eyes shut for the first time because I sleep with my eyes open and nothing is helping or working, which makes this my last resort. My eyes are so dry I feel like they’re literal sandpaper. It’s so painful and I look high as hell all the time. (Bright red scratched up eyes)

For the record, for the past oh, 7-8 nights I’ve only gotten about 1-3 hours max, not in a row. I hope to fuck I sleep or I think I’m going to die. I’m actually starting to have hallucinations again for the first time in several years and I know it’s from sleep deprivation.

I can’t help it. It’s mostly for fear of sleeping (somniphobia) and fear of having nightmares or flashbacks at night that keeps us from sleeping but it’s just making things so much worse. I can’t do anything about it, though. I’m trying to help young alters who are scared to understand that we’re an adult and safe now but it’s not working. I stayed up until 5:45AM last night and woke up at 7 AM. Similar shit in prev nights. I have had to call into work because I’m so tired I cannot function well enough to drive. I feel like I’m slowly killing myself without meaning to.

This is the reality of DID, friends. It’s not glamorous or fun. This is my daily hell. 😔

I pray to whatever deity out there that I can sleep. Please. Please let me sleep.

-Blurry