i hope we continue to see more protests within the US military. i see a lot of leftists and folks who are anti-military who have such an open disdain for the people who are in the military, yet neglect to considering the conditions this country makes to produce ideology, poverty, and the illusion of choice to make all kinds of people choose to enlist in the military. You ever see those videos of ROTC kids recording each other asking why they joined the military and everyone's like, "healthcare", "it helped me go to college", "I was bored" or "free ptsd lol". I hate to remind everyone but folks who are in the military are people, too, and they are the same victims and perpetrators of violence as the rest of you, we have all been shallowly conditioned to view each other as enemies just because one person is wearing army greens and the other is not.

some of the biggest anti-war advocates are those who engaged in war. Veterans who genuinely believed they were protecting the US against "terrorism" come back with blood on their hands, and they choose to realize that it was US imperialism that forced them to carry out violence, instead of doubling down and shielding themselves from the fact that they too are capable of atrocities... This is a class of people who are intentionally conditioned to be as poor and as ideologically aligned to US imperialism so that the military has a never-ending pool to send their youth to destroy other country's youth. The only people I have ever heard say "do not join the military" are those who ARE military.

This is in no way to ever excuse or explain away any of the atrocious war crimes and violence this industry and its people have committed against others. What I am saying is that we absolutely cannot cast aside the individuals who have been victimized within US imperialism, even if they are wearing army greens. I was speaking with my Palestinian classmate last week and another classmate--a member of the US air force-- walked up to me and struck up a conversation. My military classmate showed me her new bird, bid both of us goodbye, and left. My Palestinian classmate asked me if I was close with her, and I said we talked quite often, and she said, "I never met a person who's in the military. I still hate the military, but I never knew that they did, too. I didn't realize that they were also victims."

If my Palestinian classmate--one who is actively watching her own community die--can understand that it is not individuals who are the problem but it is in fact systems, US imperialism, white supremacy, capitalism...why can't we all? And she has EVERY reason to hate any individual military member. A lot of online activism just creates more barriers. if your optics look bad, complicated, or contradictory, you are cast aside. Everyone has got the be the perfect activist, you can never make a mistake or share a half-baked thought, you should always believe every word from a marginalized persons mouth (because being marginalized doesn't mean you're not entrenched in white supremacy too!) and you should never question what you see...Do you know what you sound like? The very imperialists who are convincing poor whites to vote against themselves. Perfectionism is white supremacy. Black & white thinking is white supremacy.

I'd rather have a military member who genuinely believed in the US imperialism machine but was disillusioned after being deployed as my comrade than some leftist who cherishes the performance of "being a good person". I don't want "good people" in our movements. I want humans who care. I want humans who make mistakes and who learn from them. I want humans who accept the messiness of a person. I want humans who hold others accountable and allow themselves to take responsibility for their actions. I want people who change for themselves and others.

fight systems, not individual people. we can change each other, but if we're too preoccupied looking like the World's Perfect Activists, we will only consume each other alive. Connect to your fellow humans, forever and always.

Im a year post op today!! ^w^ (he/him)

uhm. uhm. uhm, im taking a plunge. can any1 offer me sum resources or blogs about autistic experiences and being autistic. I have been questioning myself and my entire life for the past few months and like damn. a lot about autism feels v relatable and id just like to learn more but everywhere i look into doesnt rlly give me very nuanced explanations of experience. ty <3

Alice Oseman just announced my Heartstopper guest comic will come out on June 21st! Keep an eye out :D !!! <333

Question for the trans folks following that totally has nothing related to an upcoming honors project i will b working on, but what about sexual health do you think is lacking for trans people? What would you like to see? Less medicalized terms, more anecdotes of healthy sex for trans people, etc and etc!

hmngh. I have therapy today but Im going to bring up what I feel like are my autistic traits to my therapist. Inserting a read more cuz this got long, but if youre autistic, I would really appreciate some input/advice. This is just so long because I desperately am just searching for some sort of validation or anything really, but I guess its also practice to advocate for myself.

 She has said in past sessions that if I were autistic i’d be too “high functioning”, but I didnt have the knowledge or words or the introspection then to explain myself better. Ive been reading, taking lots of tests, watching a lot of videos, and reading up on autistic experiences. I relate to quite a bit of it and it has been both validating and equally as confusing. I keep doubting myself at every little thing, like doesn’t everyone feel like this? But i am an introverted possibly autistic person surrounded by friends who are extroverts with adhd, and the differences in our experiences has always been normal to me through the “introvert vs extrovert” perspective. Still, I wore my noise cancelling headphones to a music festival in my home town when out with friends and I felt like it really helped me calm down from the noise and the massive amount of people. Ive been letting myself rock when Im doing things, even if my mom points it out and tells me to stop. Ive been saying no to social gatherings for months now under the guise of “i have work to do”, but really its because I genuinely don’t know how to talk to people when its more than 3 of us in a gathering. I end up getting overwhelmed when people are talking over each other, and its always been worse when they’re drinking. I can handle my extrovert friends sober, but drunk is another story. Suddenly I feel the urge to cover my ears when someone says something a little too loud, I cringe when they speak over each other. I’ve had past experiences of people being excited/loud and I want to cringe from the noise and cover my ears, but I can’t because that would look rude. I don’t express myself the same way as others, and I am constantly confused by questions like “are you excited for __?” or “are you sad to be leaving ___?” No? I’m not, I genuinely don’t know what excitement feels like. I like when things have a start and an end, and I will never feel sad for something to end. I’ve stumped my friends and family when I told them I didn’t feel anything toward studying abroad, toward university, etc and etc. Sure I can feel momentary excitement and happiness, but it’s always been internal. I stress when I receive gifts because I worry I don’t look happy enough.

Like...it’s not normal for people to become irrationally angry or agitated when people burst into my room while Im drawing, right? It breaks my focus, and it’s so frustrating because now I can’t go back to what I was doing. I get irrationally angry when people express their happiness or excitement, because I don’t understand it. It confuses me, like why can’t you keep that inside like me? The last time I expressed true happiness was when I saw an email for a potential client, and I stared shaking my hands. It felt so good, but I would never do that in front of other people. “I’m excited” isn’t even part of my vocabulary is what I say often, but it’s true. It doesnt make sense to me to let everyone in the room know how im feeling. My emotions are very stagnant and I often don’t feel what I am actually feeling until theyre at extremes. I struggle with eating on time or if theres no routine. It’s why summer has always been the worst for me, because theres no longer classes or planned breaks for me to follow. I have mental schedules for each day and if they don’t get done or are disrupted, I get really upset because I expected for things to be done. I wasn’t always good at group work, and I had to learn really hard to be a good leader and not take control of everything. Most of my language and body language is based off what I learned from watching TV, and I remember struggling to be understood by others because of that and because of my speech impediment, which I still struggle with now. I remember getting in trouble in school over things that I thought were socially acceptable because I saw them being done in shows, like being “mean” to people. I followed rules very strictly and other kids found me annoying for it because I would snitch on them for it. I only really ever had one close friend up to high school, where thankfully I found a group of people who were just as weird and as queer as I was.

I constantly get asked if I’m okay because I look upset or sad. Apparently my RBF is that strong, because people have even been intimidated by me. I don’t look people in the eye when I am walking around, I kinda just stomp around because I’m faking being confident because I get so anxious by people staring at me. Eye contact has felt invasive for a long time, especially by strangers. I need large amounts of alone time to feel okay. The worst was when I was working 8am to 9pm for a BIPOC/Queer four day program for my campus. That was literal hell. I have never talked to so many people for so long in my life, and I hope I never have to ever again. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal for someone to get so socially exhuasted that you just withdraw completely. I couldn’t fathom speaking after a few hours, getting words out felt literally painful. All I could do when I got home was sleep and do it all over again. If someone tried talking to me when I got home, I was agitated and couldn’t control it. We had to take group photos and I couldn’t even fake a smile; my face muscles hurt and they began twitching. My inability to fake emotions has always been a problem, and Ive had facial twitching from trying to smile in the past during parties and other gatherings. I also feel like I hurt people when I tell them I dont miss them. I don’t think Ive ever felt like Ive missed anyone. I am perfectly fine on my own, and I think my independence makes other people feel like I dont love them. I struggle in romantic relationships because I feel like I dont show affection in a very traditional sense. Light touching feels awful, but when my boyfriends lays on top of me, it’s like I’m at peace and it feels awesome.

idk. I cud go on and on about this but my ignorance toward social situations, my sensory issues that I cant hide anymore, my difficulty with feeling emotions, and I suppose the way my intelligence was always used as a way to ignore all of these issues; it all has been catching up to me. Maybe it was the pandemic. I loved being at home, but the lack of routine made me depressed. I love wearing masks so people dont look at me and I can hide my deadpan face. Idk. Its just been a bit overwhelming lately as I let myself slowly be more in tune with whats happening. I dont know if i want an official diagnosis, but I guess I just want to feel like im not a freak for being different than my peers. Ive always felt behind them

If u read this far pheww thanks but now u know a lot more about my pysche than some of my friends haha. Its just been hard because my friends are starkly different than me, even if they are ND as well.

o well. guess ill figure things out

hai guys ^-^ my birthday is next tuesday and i wanted to share my amazon wishlist in case anyone wanted to be super generous and get something from my list. I did thing a few birthdays ago and I was very surprised to see some people who got me some stuff, so i figured i cud share another this yr :) the semester has started so im strapped for cash between buying food on campus, paying bills, saving for taxes, and saving to move out for grad school. if u cant buy something off my list, its all good! i appreciate all of yall for supporting me over the years <3

more about possible autism thoughts...

i didnt mention it til now but my last therapy appt went kind of weird. it was obvious that my therapist doesnt have a well rounded knowledge on autism, and her examples were of the “low functioning”, and she kept saying that I would be “high functioning” and therefore dont have autism/autistic traits. again, she was using very outdated terms and language that ive learned from autistic folks to be generally frowned upon. having functioning labels pushed on to me, along side not really getting a word in to what i was feeling, make me feel like there was no point in even trying to bring up the autistic traits i related to. im still struggling to understand myself and why now its all catching up to me, the anxiety and the sensory issues ive had, the social exhaustion and irritability...wouldn’t it have been more productive to talk about the reasons why i felt connected to autistic experiences rather than go through every way i dont? or, at the very least, why my therapist thinks I dont despite me feeling like the person i am in office is highly curated just for that social context.

sigh. either way, she gave me hw to keep track of my symptoms or things I notice to b more autistic but like. man that whole session really turned me off. now i dont even want to keep figuring this out with her if its just going to be weird. and im not even saying that i know for sure that i have autism! i just wanted a session that felt safe and welcoming to question myself based on my own experiences. and it just wasnt. which is weird because i never had an issue with her til now.

anyway. my classes started today but i didnt have any actual classes until tomorrow. and i like school, i really do, but now that im more aware of my sensory issues and my social needs, im starting to feel more anxiety than dread. like how loud will spaces be? will i let myself rock in public? will i have time to transition better between classes and social events? its just mostly anxiety about going outside and being seen. idk, it freaks me out. wear a mask and feel good that no ones looking at my face, or get stared at for wearing one when everyone else isnt. idk idk it all just sucks in my brain rn and maybe it wont be as bad. but i really dont like this limbo im in. I love being alone and i really crave it more than ever, but what if its more anxiety than social exhuastion? but i still get exhuasted even after being with people all day, especially if i dont have my low sensory hours. idk idk ughhh its just so frustrating trying to understand myself, especially because now i feel weird about going back to therapy. i wud appreciate any insight or tips for how to regulate better <3

I’m going to be opening up my store and commissions again sometime this month! Commissions will be extremely limited and more info will come once I have everything settled :) as always, my patreon content has exclusive art, projects, and wips, as well as physical rewards that return this summer! da link is in my pinned post

Hi! I was wondering if you like snakes I remember posts about melon (hope their doing good) and wanna know your opinions on other reptiles I just got a good tank for my albino corn snake worm and he's loving it! I wanted to know what your set up for melon was cause my sister has two and needs to upgrade their tank aswell! Wishing you and melon the best :D

hiya!!! i do like snakes :D ive always wanted to own one but I just don't have the space rn. I think reptiles are super cool and its one of the reasons I settled on a leo. Melons also doing good, though he has to be tamed down again after not being handled for three months ;; his current set up is a 20 gallon zoo med tank. He has a 13 W UVB bulb (which needs a new timer because it actually broke) and an undertank heat pad on one side. Keep in mind that for the most part, leos shouldn't be housed together (though Ive seen it work better for two female leos). They're very territorial and can fight. I'm also currently trying to upgrade my leo's tank, and exo terra/zoo med make great tanks. hope that helped!

damn so i mention ONCE me wanting to reconnect to my indigeniety as a colonized mexican and person because ive always wanted to honor that part of myself, while pondering my status as a colonized person and my privilege in terms of being a pale skinned latine. Yes i will never feel colorism and racism, but why does this have to negate any and all desires of me wanting to reconnect? I literally do not know my ancestry from colonization, and no matter how many conversations i have with my family, I still will never be able to put the pieces together. I have family who look indigenous/are darker skinned, i have never been clocked by white people as white because of my features, and other latinos have always been able to tell that i am latino. i mention all of this shit just BARELY and i have gotten latino after latino in my inbox telling me im not latino, telling me i cant reconnect and that I shouldn’t, telling me im white (i fucking know! But damn can a mfer still learn about himself?? Damn!!), etc and etc. I want to reconnect, ive been talking to other latinos who have reconnected, ive been talking to indigenous latinos, its not easy its fucking difficult and I will always feel like im losing a part of myself if i dont reconnect, and u guys just will gatekeep indigeniety like its nobodys business. Im doing nothing but trying to learn about my colonized past and ive gotten more shit from other latinos. Its fucking astounding considering youre all in the same boat as me, all colonized and with colonized pasts and families and ancestry. Its not our fault we’re colonized, but its our duty to decolonize, and this is one way I want to do that so I can never erase my indigeniety like colonization has done for centuries. damn,,,

I had some people asking how much my top surgery was and I finally got my bill! This is after insurance and the hospital financial program! Im honestly. Jaw dropped. Cant believe it’s so little, but I have a similar bill for my tuition. If anyone wants to help out I do have my patreon and kofi and store links in my carrd (link in bio!) im very happy its so little but this is another cost to my name now 😭😭

Edit: the entire bill was $43,000 😶😶😶

Okay mentally have been kinda all over the place as i emotionally prepare to go back to my shitty fucking school and also still reeling from all the bs, its kinda thrown me off my groove epically so hopefully i will be posting some art soon idk really im just tryna manage my anxiety and still do things i want and need to but yea <3

yall r mad annoying with the dysphoria discourse lmao but thank u to everyone whos been epic as always! Give it up to the folks wit the uncolonized brains lets gooo

Got my drains out today! It was not painful but definitely one of the weirdest feelings Ive ever experienced and I kinda wanna feel it again LOL! My nipple bolsters are off too, and those didnt hurt much to take off. Just felt slight tugging as they undid the stitching and cut off the excess. My nipples look charred as FUCK but thats normal! I was told to rub vaseline on them and change their dressings daily until next weeks appointment. The drains were so wonky tho haha, it stung a bit to cut the stitch that was holding them in place. I thought that only like the tip of the drain was in my chest, but when they pulled they out, it was like an inch or two in my chest 😭 so it felt like a rubber tube being yanked out from under my skin and on my muscle. Again, didn’t hurt at all, but it was the strangest sensation. Ive heard for other people the drains were very painful and apparently this is because some surgeons place the drains in the main incisions and not seperately from them!! It may also differ if you dont have the usual Jackson-Pratt drain. My posture is doing much better, too, and I will be a week post op tomorrow :)

really been thinking the past few days about how i have a lot of trauma and just shit to still sift thru which is kinda fucked up that trauma cannot be solved by ignoring it LOL but essentially. i need to cultivate positive experiences surrounding being an Aro and Gay and Trans man because  i was able to deal with each identity separately but PHEW....all three of em have been socking me in the brain lately and it has not been letting me be kind to myself. so yea if youre an aro gay trans man id be rlly cool if u like. said hi or something cuz im really feeling alone here