#and I HATE where she’s moving | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tyrianlynch · 8 months

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I’ve been improving a lot mentally lately and today my wife (best friend who I’ve lived with for 7 years) told me she’s divorcing me (moving to a city we both swore we’d never live in) and she’s taking the kids (our dog) and this is just further proof that god will never allow me to be happy or hopeful

#i know I sound dramatic but it feels like a divorce #my entire life revolves around her #she’s my soulmate and I’ve known her for a million lifetimes #I spend all day anticipating her coming home from work so we can spend time together #I schedule nothing on the weekends because weekends are for being with her #she’s come to every family gathering I’ve gone to for at least the last five years #she’s my entire fucking life and she’s leaving me #I’m gonna have to leave our apartment that we’ve been in for 3 years #I don’t even know how to make other friends because we’ve never needed anyone besides each other #and maybe we’re codependent and rely on each other too much but it’s never bothered us #and I always swore I’d follow her anywhere but she knows I can’t go where she’s going this time #I’m still so sick that I need my family nearby to help me so I can’t leave them #and my doctors are all here and I’ve spent years finding doctors I actually like #and I HATE where she’s moving #we lived there together for a summer and it was awful and she swore that we’d never go back there #and when she told me she’s leaving she didn’t bother asking me to come bc she knows I can’t #and I’m so fucking mad at her #I don’t know who I am without her and I feel like chunks of me are being carved out of my chest

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offkilterkeys · 1 month

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i imagine you have a vault of unreleased content that you don't get around to posting for relatable reasons. if you do i humbly ask that you grace me with something. anything! close your eyes and pick a file? let fate decide. if you made it i'll like it, that's the point anyway

I’ve posted some panels or pieces of these but never the entire sequence on here I don’t think, so but this is one of the only substantial things I’d say I’ve kept in a vault.

I feel like compared to my newer stuff these look super rough, but they were really good practice.

These have pesterlogs that go with them but this post is already huge so eh. This was set to occur a couple hours after Caliborn’s masterpiece, so Roxy and Dirk are talking about Halquius’s heroic sacrifice/death. Davepeta and Dirk continue that line of conversation, while Roxy is pulled into an argument about self control as I bum everyone out by reminding them that Jasprose never actual stopped being an alcoholic.

#homestuck #rose lalonde #roxy lalonde #jasprosesprite^2 #davepetasprite #dirk strider #and Roxy was gonna bring it up cause she think he’s being weird for doing that #This was mostly just me messing around with the sprite^2s and fleshing them out #Also expanding upon Jasprose and Rose’s relationship cause I think it could be sooooo silly #anyway the last Jasprose panel intentionally looks like the scene in trickster mode where Dirk scolds Roxy for getting Drunk #Jasprose is all “you just hate me cause I remind you of mom #and Rose is like “No I hate you because you’re literally a worse #less articulate #horrifically selfish #version of me!”#Dirk asks Davepeta if they want a hug #cause of the whole brother/moirail death #and to both of their surprise they say no #that’s why they fist bump #The Lalonde’s conversation is left on a cliffhanger while Dirk dips out in order to do some soul searching #also the sprites not glowing anymore was a conscious decision #it’s meant to imply that now that they’re out of the medium they’re slowly losing their game construct-ness #also also Dirk’s house being in the middle of the ocean was a conscious decision #he put it there even though everyone else used Jade’s powers to have their houses move from their planets to Can Town #Roxy brings it up before they’re interrupted #anyway sorry for using this ask as an excuse to share old content I am just always brainrotting

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sanchoyo · 10 months

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ok yeah the comic was good but the lack of ANY danielle was VERY funny to me. I know they were juggling a lot of characters but no quick mention of her or glimpse is like. is she still just 12 and homeless traveling the world completely alone, probably not going to school still. wdym vlad is taking dark danny in while he alrEADY HAS A CANONICAL DAUGHTER HES NEGLECTING???? SHES jUST. SHES OUT THERE BRO. and I 100% understand her not wanting to live with him after how he treated her, but shes not even living with the fentons?? she was NO WHERE TO BE SEEN

just. very funny. hope some fanfics remedy this 💀

#danny phantom spoilers #danny phantom #dont take this post too seriously btw but like. where is she. did they retcon her out too #also i wanted a lil more valerie but thats my fav bias showing im glad she was there in any capacity (and that cliffhanger with her ooooh 👀#a glitch in time #agit spoilers #dp agit spoilers #danny phantom a glitch in time spoilers #dont know how the fanom is tagging spoilers so just to be safe yk #anyway my ideal dani thing would be jazz moving out then dani maybe staying with her #or dani staying with their aunt #thatd be cute #i just dont want her to stay 1. with the fentons who once again hate ghosts after the retcon 2. be HOMELESS. U KNOW.

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paperglader · 5 months

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in this episode Imogen:

Took off her circlet. You know, that one that finally gave her peace and quiet, that soothed her constant pain and anxiety, and that gave her the confidence and energy to get back to fully feeling comfortable on her own skin after years. That’s the one. She just took it off.

Told laudna that she was disgusted by the fact that delilah was always watching them. You know, something that laudna fully has no control over whatsoever.

Admitted that she felt like she’s “tainted” and that the gods have been ignoring her for her entire life, in spite of her trying over and over to reach them. So she doesn’t really want to save them.

Mentioned being genuinely scared of meeting Liliana again. Totally not a problem, I’m sure nothing bad will happen there. Specially not in the next couple of episodes.

Said some unfair stuff to fearne, that I genuinely think is coming from somewhere else entirely, and I hope we circle back to eventually.

It’s safe to say that I am officially ✨worried✨ about the farmgirl

#I will not tolerate any amount of Imogen hate on this post if anyone even dares #miss temult will only be treated with love and tenderness in any post of mine 😂#but anyways #girly has spent like the last 2-3 eps fully hearbroken about the shit that keeps happening to them #so like yeah #of course #she’s on some sort of breaking point #she talked to a god yet again who she’s trying to save only to be ignored and pressed upon the fact that she’ll lose the woman she loves #Laudna’s abuser has been continuously tormenting them and fully damaging Laudna’s wellbeing whilst she can’t do much of anything #laudna asked her to move on and find happiness when Delilah inevitably takes over #also to take her down before that happens #they’re about to go to the moon where they could face and/or even have to kill some of the bad guys that include her own mother #plus she’s constantly fighting off this intrinsic need of hers to give into a power that’ll destroy her and everyone she loves #the farmgirl is truly NOT doing alright #oh and a friend of hers just manipulated another friend of hers into letting them kill themselves #pretty wild #critical role #Laudna needs her own post btw cause she’s going THROUGH it as well #imodna #imogen temult #southern gothic #c3 #cr spoilers #c3 spoilers #critical role spoilers #bells hells #campaign 3

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lunarharp · 3 months

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"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want #but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care #i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now #i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit #i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know #i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines #i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words #to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court #anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him #why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out #way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey #I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now

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kicktwine · 5 months

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oh so alisaie’s exaggerated bully behavior is 80% fanon. saying this she casually picks up a large rock

#say one thing wrong to me and you will have a wonderful few days with the rock #if angry silly girls have 100 fans etc if they have 0 fans i have died #sorry i saw a YouTube meme i vehemently disliked on principle and got mad at the only child behavior-#kipspeak #she is just short tempered and uses anger to mask other more ‘shameful’ emotions!!! alphy did the same thing with just deciding not #to express them. which is still not good and I think why he breaks and ends up teary so often now #this shortness does not translate to actually being mean to people. she only uses being mean as a shield for herself and being snarky #Is just fun for her. it’s fun for Me. you have to inconsequentually tease people or they’ll never learn to laugh at themselves #the twins and thancred 🫵 do this thing where they have big emotions but they don’t want anyone to SEE they have big weird emotions #so alphy pretends he doesn’t have them under a veneer of dignity and alisaie pretends the emotions are Something Else. thancred is #just so emotionally constipated he has trouble expressing anything. he’s got enough baggage for a flatbed #anyways. alisaie is such a compassionate and kind girl and she learned how to make snarky jokes and went ham. and she hates appearing sad o #weak or vulnerable so she blocks it off with an unapproachable emotion so no one pities her and they maybe get on with the plot #it is in fact also great at getting ppl to move away from the sad or embarrassing topic. even if the tradeoff is being more offputting #she would never (grabs youtube meme) she would never seriously bully her brother. this is sibling ribbing only. Cain instinct #just leave her be she is learning how to snark humor and she loves it she loves being sharp. alphy has wit he just keeps it close #my brother didn’t learn how to tell or receive a joke until he was 14 he took everything so seriously. he can do it now though and he’s #HILARIOUS. Don’t tell him I said that. my man knows exactly where the funny points are even if he hasn’t learned when to stop yet #too many tags. Whatever. jokey snark alisaie who sometimes compliments is happy alisaie grouchy snappy angry alisaie is way too stressed #very easy way to tell between the two. even alphy can tell between the two I believe! He tends to rib back in protest if they’re having fun #and try to stop her if they’re not having fun. case in point ‘what is that supposed to mean?!’ vs ‘alisaie ryne was only trying to help.’#I know they’re twins but that’s such an intensely older sibling thing to do that it reels me #LONG TAGS AND THREE EDITS TO ADD ON SHORT I resent this stereotype taken too far into ooc behavior. it happened with nya #It will happen again and as a postscript let me regale you with Things U Can Notice About Character Motivation and Actions—#I’m not done let me s #she and raha are friends now I decree. ‘haha you like me’ SPUTTERING PROTEST FROM BOTH

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pan-magi · 8 months

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I've always thought that the rukh place someone where they're supposed to be when leaving a dungeon. When leaving Amon, Aladdin is left where he could meet the Kouga and Hakuei; Alibaba is where the dungeon used to be so it will be "official" that he captured it and be there to help clear Jamil's mess (mainly ensuring his slaves are free).

And Morgiana is right outside. I can't help but think that its because she could have the opportunity to just run. No one else was around so she could leave without being recaptured. It wouldn't be safe to be a Fanalis out alone with broken shackles at her feet (which tbf she could have gotten off easily enough). I don't think anyone could blame her if she decided to take the out and escape safely. Jamil went into the dungeon with all his combat ready slaves (I imagine). Most would have assumed, besides Alibaba and Aladdin who were there, that being unaccounted for meant she ended up dead like the rest. Chances are low that people will be searching for the lost Fanalis slave girl.

She could have taken the opportunity to finish escaping and find Alibaba and Aladdin again after being more secure in her freedom. Morgiana doesn't because she is processing wtf went on in the dungeon and her priority after sorting out her thoughts was to find the two guys that went through that shit with her and see that they are alright. I don't want to discount how admirable that is. But if she was left more confused and scared and just- left? More power to you girl, get the fuck away from your hellhole.

I dunno. Something I've been thinking about. Back to the original point, I do believe that she wasn't in Qishan with Alibaba because more than anything the rukh let her off somewhere that best guaranteed her freedom.

#don't mind me imagining an au where she was left farther away from the city and ran into mu and myron traveling #before meeting up with the boys again #magi #magi: the labyrinth of magic #magi labyrinth of magic #magi morgiana #includes photo edit #strong language #cw slavery #hey look a longer-ish post from me #i have a couple in the works #but idk the next best time i can work on them #may be the last of anything for a while #i hate moving so much ngl grrr

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kakusu-shipping · 19 days

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I have a little habit of picking from Traits I think are Fun and applying them to Self Inserts I think are a little bland, and for my Sun and Moon S/I this became "Inexplicably hated by animals" which is a very unfortunate trait to have in the Pokemon World.

#Emile's Arts #Lillie #proship selfship #The first time he meets Lillie is the defending Nebby from Murkrow's scene at the start of SM #That's where the notch in his ear comes from; Most of the other scratches on his arms and back heal up without scaring #Then the day after Hau gets his first Pokemon the Professor is DESPERATELY trying to convince Lillie to take one too #Sense Nebby clearly can't defend her and she's gonna follow me and Hau around the Alola Region #And to try and convince her to take one I take Litten who IMMEDIATELY scratches me #New scar unlocked #Lillie EVENTUALLY takes Popplio just or the sake of her healing moves sense we're clearly going to need those #His starter is a Porygon Molayne and Sophocles made for him #It's less an Animal Companion and more a Super Computer #So it doesn't hate him like other Pokemon #But also they can never have that BOND most trainers have with their Pokemon #Sense it's just a computer and doesn't have emotions (supposedly)#(Fun plot where Porygon does eventually grow to love it's trainer for funsies side plot and Protag character growth)#Which eventually lends itself to how he interacts with and saves Cyrus when he goes to Sinnoh #But that's a future plot

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fizzing-saturn · 6 months

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literally sobbing my youtuber egos hyperfixation is coming back except its ONLY ever been markiplier and (mostly) crankgameplays egos and there is NO CONTENT FOR CRANKGAMEPLAYS EGOS anywhere 😭😭😭

theyre so interesting too!!! dark and anti (who admittedly i dont know that much abt) are also interesting and silly/pos but BLANK!!!

hes so sad because hes the embodiment of all the negative stuff! but ethan did. nothing with him! wtf! and the character design is so aggfhdf i really like the idea of a gaunt bonewhite figure with eyes leaking oil and a face perpetually stuck in a sob

and unus 😔 the physical embodiment of DEATH?? he was only alive for one year but he was my blorbo the whole way through

and those are the only ones people really talk about?! i mean some people yeah but i feel like most don’t acknowledge mrs thomson or mad mike or bernice or (idk her name) his yandere ego or father ethan any of the rest of them! its so :((((

any ways. im going to go have thoughts abt Them. very sorry for the long post the tags are also very long but i Have Opinions and i needed them to come out

:(

#markiplier egos #youtuber egos #i hate it here #/j but also /srs #i just want some decent blank fanart #my favorite fanfics abt yt egos all had crank egos but none of them have updated in like a year #i genuinely dont know why no one knows abt them #like blank is a wet pathetic sad little cat #mad mike sells drugs out of an ice cream van #bernice is just. absolutely iconic #and some of marks egos are more difficult to find stuff where theyre not just a side character but with ethans its all of them #one of ethans egos is a literal grandmother? he first made her when he was a kid #her name is Mrs Thomson and im pretty sure that she uses the bathroom in cat litter???#i would literally die for her but she only has 17 fanfic on ao3.#what the fuck #then theres unus #if anyone knows any crankgameplays ego its unus #idk if people just moved on from this fandom or if it was never alive as is but it makes me sad #crankgameplays #crankgameplays egos #:(((

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scintillyyy · 5 months

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when it's written that way because it's a patented chuck dixon -ism but it unintentionally creates a really interesting potential narrative for the character-

#still thinking of steph and class and knowing that dixon made her lower middle class on account of he's a classist #but how placing her in that nebulous position of between the have and the have nots #where they're too poor for comfort or stability and too rich for benefits #lends a lot to steph's anger at her situation #her desire to fit it and move up and separate herself from her origins #her showcase '95 story where she has a veneration of what she feels must be the comfort of the true middle class #and her veneration of her coach who she insists can't be anything like her mom #her anger and shame at her mom coming to her gymnastics meet because she doesn't like seeing that part of her life #interact with the better life she's trying to carve for herself #her activities as spoiler being so linked to her desire to throw away the legacy her father left her #that for everyone to say she's not good enough or shouldn't do it is for them to say #you are already where you belong and that thought terrifies her #a steph who grew up hearing sarcastic remarks about those welfare recipients who can afford nicer food than them #while her mom works and gets no help and and struggles for it #a steph who internalizes that no one is going to help her and if she wants it she has to work for and take it #which leads to some bitterness when she sees everyone else such as tim and cass receive the help and support she's always denied #but also only motivates her to keep going harder. if no one will help you you have to help yourself.#what ugly biases might she potentially have as a result of this upbringing #it's like i hate it it's such a conservative story of bootstraps #but i love it because gives such potentially interesting things to play with in steph's arc

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lovesickeros · 1 year

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☆ lost in orbit

{☆} characters tsaritsa {☆} notes cult au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings violence [ implied ], unhealthy relationship {☆} word count 0.6k

She had resigned herself to apathy – to burying her love beneath the cold, hard soil and letting it rot amongst the graves of a long dead civilization, burned to ash in only a day. Yet how quickly it all fell apart in her hands, slipping through her fingers like sand, no matter how desperately she tried to cling to it.

Was she not diligent enough? Was she so weak that she faltered at the first person who showed her genuine trust and affection? Had all her work been for naught?

A part of her revolts – the same woman who watched the sky burn and the ground beneath her feet crumble into ash. It would be so easy to wrap her hands around your delicate throat, to squeeze until you finally saw her as the monster she knew she has always been.

Yet she doesn't think she could. The look of betrayal, of fear..oh, it would ruin her, she knows.

Perhaps that makes her weak. Perhaps you have made her weak.

Perhaps she does not mind as much as she should.

You trust her, after all – enough to sleep in her bed like she couldn't just kill you before you ever knew what was happening to you. Your body was so..fragile, in this mortal shell you descended in. How easy it would be to snuff out your life, here and now.

Yet she doesn't.

Instead, she looks at you like an old lover – with all the love of a woman who had died in the ashes of a dying civilization, of a woman who thought she could love no longer. Emotions she fought so hard to suppress well up in her chest and fill the empty space where she knows her heart should beat. Try as she might – and oh, how she tries – she can never quite stem the affection that consumes her every waking moment when she sees you.

It is like an addiction that she cannot rid herself of, no matter how she tries. She always finds herself back at square one – back to you.

Her hand lingers against your cheek, undue affection filling the empty spaces in her chest until she feels like cannot breathe. She traces her hand along your jaw, her vision narrowed on the softness of your lips.

Yet that same thought rises unbidden to the forefront of her thoughts. Love was a dangerous thing – you both knew that. To let it fester and rot her from within..she would be throwing her plans out the window, and for what?

Because she was too weak? Because the affection and trust in your eyes whenever your looked at her made her feel whole, like she was more then just an Archon playing God with the fate of the world?

You do not even stir as her thoughts toil like a brewing storm. She swallows the lump in her throat, removing her hand like she'd just touched a piece of hot metal. A part of her still screams that it's for the best, that you've corrupted her enough, torn apart her plans in the span of a week, a mere blink in time..

But it goes silent as she leans in, pressing her lips to your cheek. She will not let the thought fester, tonight – she will let herself be weak, if only for another day. If only to covet the affection that she finds herself drowning in for just another day.

And when you stir, she pretends that she had never thought of it at all, that she has only ever known love with you. Even if her heart that does not beat leaves a stabbing pain in her chest in the agony of knowing that even this is futile..

She lets you wake, let's the recognition and the affection fill your vision until she is all you see – two stars locked in orbit, unable to break away.

And when the day comes that you collide, she will be holding the blade that drives into your chest, and she will know nothing but love when she does.

#sagau #genshin sagau #self aware genshin #genshin impact sagau #self aware genshin impact #tsaritsa #fellas is it gay to think abt murdering ur lover bc u love them so much #everyone hcing that her lover died in khaenri'ah but what if she killed them..#tsaritsa killing her lover so they dont have to walk down the same path and suffer the consequences when celestia retaliates>>>#tsaritsa killing her lover bc to her them dying is better then living and she refuses to let them be corrupted by going down the same path #i just think shes a little silly!!! a little goofy!!!! i forgive her #theres just smth abt tragic lesbians and also tragic lesbians whose tragedy is one of their own making #yknow :)#but at the SAME TIME. her lover dying and wanting her to move on and LIVE but shes so spiteful shes willing to destroy herself to #destroy celestia. she doesnt care abt what happens to her bc if her lover isnt there with her then what does it matter? she has nothing lef #to lose.#characters who become their lover would hate bc living in a world without them is agony>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#also i only tagged unhealthy relationship bc the tsaritsa is. unhinged but shes actually v normal in the relationship #she loves u!!!! and shes a good lover!!! she just thinks abt killing u sometimes bc she loves too much and its easier to kill u now vs lose #you later on where it will hurt WORSE #also bc smth smth she thinks itll make it hurt less if she kills you vs someone else bc she would actually LOSE IT if someone hurt u #spoilers it does not and she spirals and is haunted by what shes done and constantly tries to lie to herself to justify it. it does not wor #did i scare off the normal ppl w this one.......maybe!!!!!#i meant morally grey at best when i said morally grey at best!!#crawls back into my ditch okay im shutting up now

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shhh-secret-time · 2 months

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To be honest, stardew valley has me in such a chokehold. It always has, even before the 1.6.

In such a way that my brain wants to smash my hyperfixation into it. So late at night I'll be awake thinking of this stardew/south park mashup.

Call that bad boy Star Park AU.

But no brain! Bad! We already have too much going on! You have a Secret Soulmate AU. Fantasy AU, A Cowboy AU story staring Kenny that's still in the outline phase, and these one shots!

(Look at the tags to watch me descent into madness)

#like C'mon #it would be so cute and wholesome #ya know #everything south park isn't #its not my fault I think about me and my friends ocs starting a little farm together #i got one friend I rp with #we smash everything into our stardew rp #it ain't even really stardew besides like the layout of the town #I could write something like that up #like Stan and his family are already “farmers”#the heart event where he tells you he fucking hates it #but next heart event he confesses he's starting to associate farming with you #and now...maybe its not so bad?#COME ON #Kenny taking Karen to see your animals and falling in love with the way you're so gentle with her #Kyle finding you passed out in the mines and scolding you for being careless #but he's patching you up while he does it!!!?#Cartman demanding you bring him crops from your farm because #“everyone elses crops taste like dirt and ball sweat! at least I can stomach yours.”#(its the sweetest thing hes ever said tbh)#tweek having his little coffee shop set up there #he gets away from his parents and moves out to the valley because its quiet!#Craig moves out there to study the stars because they're so clear he can almost see all of them without a telescope #Clyde is JUST Alex and you cant change my mind #after the death of his mother he goes to live with his grandparents #Bebe is like a mix of Haley and Emily!#her events would be you helping her get her outfit designs off the ground and using her photography skills to have you model them #Wendy's whole thing would her being the mayors assistant but over heart events you make her believe in herself #and she becomes mayor; fuck you lewis you old fuck #shhh its a secret

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fourteenfifteen · 2 months

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sorry to steven universe post in 2024 but i’m still not over (pun not intended) this. almost 8 years and it’s still in my brain

youtube

#where’s that post that’s like ‘everyone hated on pearl at the time but if that happened to me i would have become a domestic terrorist’#you won and she chose you and she loved you and she’s gone it’s over isn’t it why can’t i move on #cool b does cool things #not tagging this bc my su tag is full of posts from when i was 15 sorry again

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flowercrowngods · 6 months

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and today in sometimes i write shit that fucks me up for weeks: time travel au steve & trees

Steve gets up. Goes into his room — not his room at all, it’s not his home, it’s not his — knowing Hopper won’t follow him, locks the door knowing El will unlock it if she needs him, and crawls under the blanket. He doesn’t cry, just curls up and lies there in numb misery of feeling too much, thinking too much, knowing too much, and not having the right words to express anything.

The air under the blanket gets too warm to really be comfortable, but he doesn’t want to move. He’s turned into a tree again, as El would put it. Another pang of guilt and misery runs through him, because he doesn’t want to be fucked up like that, fucked up enough for a child to call him a tree because he loses his reality a lot; but then the thought of being a tree almost feels so relieving it makes him want to cry.

Because trees don’t think about their friends dying. Killed. Murdered. By forces greater than this world’s imagination. Trees don’t watch the blood seeping from them over and over again until they lose their minds and go into shock that this world doesn’t support, instead tugging him back and forth until all there is is nothingness, because there is no time to think or feel or process, and once there is time, there is too much to even start. And no one to talk to about it. No one to listen.

If he could turn into a tree and never have a single thought again, he would without hesitation.

But he can’t, so he thinks, and the thinks until he falls asleep and the thoughts turn into memories morphed with fears until it’s Steve who kills them. Steve who fails. And Steve who does it over and over again. In the Upside Down, in Eddie’s trailer, at school, in Mike’s basement.

It’s Steve. Like it was Billy.

[…]

Walking on legs that haven’t quite accommodated to being upright yet, stiff and heavy in the dark of night, Steve makes his way through the forest, tumbling and stumbling, but never enough to make him stop. He’s heaving breaths now, willing the cold air into his lungs to stop everything from feeling so wrong, to break through the haze and the fog and the cotton, to pierce his insides with little pinpricks of ice as December is fast approaching. It only serves to make him more dizzy, his head spinning, glowing spots of black and white appearing in his field of vision until he leans against a tree, catching his breath and holding it.

Holding onto it with whimpers and wheezes and pathetic little groans that make him want to scream. He punches the tree, his hand numb with pain upon impact, his knuckles stiff and scraped up; bloody, even in the pitch black darkness.

Bloody. His hands are always bloody. It stains them, has seeped into his skin, like a reverse tattoo that only he can see. This, though… This is real. It’s his blood.

And so he punches again. And again, until his breath has evened out, and the pain has moved from his arm and his side over to his hand. Over to something real.

He flexes his fingers and watches them, can barely make out their shape, and focuses on the pull of his skin, the scrapes making it feel too tight — but in a real way. In a way that… he’s not going crazy. It’s real. It’s all real. And it’s burning, sizzling along with all of that anger, the grief, the confusion, the complete and utter fucking lostness. The loneliness.

Steve punches the tree one more time, then turns around to put more distance between him and familiar walls and stale air and worried glances so heavy they slowly scrape away the scar tissue growing over all those rawest of feelings.

He walks and walks without direction or destination, simply placing one foot in front of the other as his racing heart calms down and he is overcome with an absolute, all-consuming kind of exhaustion that makes him sway the very second he stops. His eyes are getting heavy, like his body is slowly coming to the realisation that his beside clock said 3:38 a.m. and that he hasn’t slept through the night for some days now, or maybe weeks, always awoken by nightmares — on days that he even dared to fall asleep.

No one should have to feel this kind of exhaustion, Steve thinks. Even after the Russians, after torture and fighting and more torture, followed by running and more running and almost dying in a car crash and then in a fire… Even after all that, he wasn’t as exhausted as he feels right now.

Probably because back then, he had Robin. Robin who would hold his hand, Robin who would share a glance with him and resuscitate everything that died inside of him with just one brave little smile.

God, she was so brave.

Steve leans against a tree, closing his eyes for just one second as he pictures Robin — alive and smiling and determined. Robin, in the passenger seat of his car at ass o’clock in the morning, grumpy and tired, leaning in to give him a hug hello and a hug goodbye. Robin, who would roll her eyes at his antics, his insecurities and his worries — Robin, who would explain hours later, her hand in his, that he had no reason to doubt or worry. That he was fine. That he was perfect. That everything else would slot into place soon and be perfect for him, too. Payback, she’d called it.

Payback, he thinks now as he heaves another breath, willing it through his constricted throat, and just barely keeping himself from screaming. Payback, because he failed. Payback, because he watched her die and nothing, nothing good will ever come out of that.

As much as he will try to save her, she will always have died. As much as he can try to keep her safe this time around, he will always have failed her.

That’s nothing he can take back. Ever. Nothing he can fix. Nothing he can make un-happen.

It’s the cruellest constant.

One that won’t leave him alone. One that won’t let him sleep at night, one that won’t leave his head even for a minute, flooding his consciousness with memories of blood and failure, weighing down his conscience until he can’t fucking breathe, and—

A sob escapes his throat even as he stumbles forward, continuing on his nonexistent path that feels a lot like running, fleeing from this new life, as though he could magically make his way back to the old one. Because they have died. They’re dead. He watched them. This new world won’t fix that. Won’t fix him. And he doesn’t deserve fixing anyway.

So he runs.

#steve harrington #stranger things #time travel steve #Robin who would share a glance with him and resuscitate everything that died inside of him with just one brave little smile #<- that sentence fucks and even i recognise that okay #and also the imagery of grief and trauma turning you into a tree. stagnant. not moving. but still alive. stood there right where you were #always always standing there. and wishing you weren’t fucked up enough to be likened to a tree #and as a reader pointed out: the duality of steve turning into a tree. and then letting out his anger and grief on a tree #but consequently on himself. in symbolic and literal ways #god isn’t this so fucked up?? isn’t this so messed up?#time travel au #DONT MIND ME i just wanna talk about him and all the symbolism i weave around him all day and all night #nobody could ever accuse me of downplaying platonic stobin in this story bc he is so. he’s so. Lost. without her. she’s all he thinks about #he talks to her still even if she won’t answer. he will not survive school with robin not knowing him. with robin hating him nonetheless

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deityofhearts · 2 months

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I have so many thoughts about mlp, especially trixie

#deity dialogue #mlp had an ‘I hate magicians’ agenda #justice for trixie all she wanted to do was put on magic shows to entertain and inspire :/#she quite literally wasn’t hurting anyone until someponies showed up and started acting like she was being an evil liar #y’all ain’t never heard of magicians??? :/#I feel like in my own imagining of mlp it would go like this #twilight thinks there’s right and wrong ways to do magic and doesn’t like how trixie does magic and gets upset about that #limited worldview that she needs to move on from #applejack would see the act as deceitful and lying and get upset #pinkie would love the show because she knows what acts are #fluttershy would also find it nice #rainbow dash supports her friends and if they’re mad so is she basicaly #idk where rarity stands #and basically the episode would be about acknowledging that sometimes you’re wrong and can just hurt people and lash out because of it #and like basically them going ‘hey we were really rude and hurtful to trixie’#like hey started shit first from what I remember then trixie acted accordingly #like idk y’all started bothering her at her own damn show unprompted for what reason? yeah she did magic shit to y’all but it can be argued #that one it was because it was a part of the show to her and two it was because y’all were acting out first #thank you for coming to my Ted talk

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nerdie-faerie · 3 months

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Where is Bonnie!?

#TVD #tvd lb #series 2 #Kill or Be Killed #Bonnie Bennett #where is my girlie 😭 its been several episodes #I know were focusing on the Lockwood werewolf arc and carolines vampirism and Katherine #but i want her back!!#like i know them treating her like sht and as irrelevant when she cant be directly related to the plot is a constant but i hate it #they could have easily included her the same way they keep matt in the storyline they just dont want to #how often does bonnie have 'how did i not know this was happening' moments in relation to the plot?#it happens with the hunters it happens after her grams dies sge constantly kept out of the loop despite being instrumental #they cant move the show along without her and yet they constantly keep her sidelined until they use her

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