a Buddie WIP for yall (for a bit of context, i wanted to include Pepa setting Eddie up on those dates so i wrote this as if the whole Ana thing took Marisol’s place):
He wasn’t sure why he called Hen. He only called her when Denny and Chris had plans which was not today. Usually Buck would be the person he’d go to in a situation like this, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Hen was who he needed to talk to. And so he called.
“Hey, Eddie.” She answered, the confusion clear in her voice.
“Uhh Hi.”
“What’s going on? Is something wrong?”
“I broke up with Ana”
“Oh…” She stayed silent, waiting for him to speak.
“I’m sorry, I dont know why I called. I’ll just, I’ll talk to you at work tomorrow.”
“No no it’s fine! Why did you break up?” Her question was cautious. He understood why. Sure, they felt like family but not the kind of family you talk to about every little thing in your life. More like the kind you see only at large family gatherings; talk about your job and kids and call it good.
“I don’t know. I mean I do, I just…”
“It’s okay, Eddie.”
“I don’t think I ever liked her. Which is insane, she’s beautiful and Chris loves her. She’s good with him and she’s funny and she’s kind and I just…didn’t feel a thing.”
Hen stayed silent.
“I thought I would. I thought maybe if I gave it time, I would fall in love with her. I mean love at first sight doesn’t exist right? It takes time?” he could hear the desperation in his voice, hear himself begging for answers. He didn’t know what he even wanted to hear.
“It does,” she sighed, “sometimes it’s hard to figure out what you want, that takes time too. And it’s okay to take that time.”
“I know what I want. She’s everything I want and yet…” He trailed off, this was all so frustrating, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t just love her, “The idea of us felt so perfect.” It was true, everything he wanted in a woman had been there in Ana.
Hen was still silent; God why did he choose to call her, this has to be so awkward for her.
“Maybe I’m just not over Shannon, I don’t know, I felt ready.”
“That could be.” She paused sighing again. “Or maybe it’s something else?”
“Like?”
“Tell me about Shannon, how did you meet?”
Eddie was thrown for a loop by the sudden line of questioning but answered anyway, what harm could it do, “We had math class together in middle school.”
“Wow, that’s-you were so young.”
He laughed a little. “Yeah we were.”
“And how did you start dating?”
“We were best friends for years. Then summer before our senior year, she asked me on a date. And I thought why not? I loved spending time with her and she made me happy.”
“Why not?” he could practically see her expression through the phone, raised eyebrows and a smile in her eyes, like she knew something he didn’t.
“I liked her. I just didn’t realize it at first. There was no other girls I thought about, it was just her and the idea of having her around for my entire life made me feel warm and safe.”
Hen hummed gently. “Eddie, that-that doesn’t necessarily sound like romantic love.”
“What? She was my wife of course I loved her.”
“I’m not saying that sweetie.” She still sounded so cautious, like she was talking to an upset child. Why was she being so careful with him?
“What are you saying?”
“Can I ask you more questions before I explain?”
“Uhhh sure?”
“Did you and Ana sleep together?”
“What?”
“You don’t have to answer, really I don’t want to know but I’m trying to help.”
“No, um, it’s fine. I just don’t understand why you’re asking.”
“Just trust me here.”
He rubbed his hand over his face. “No, we didn’t. She never made any move to.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I don’t know. With Shannon she always made the first move. I didn’t want her to think all I wanted from her was sex so… It wasn’t like I minded anyways sex is, it’s fine but it’s not as big of a deal as everyone acts like it is.”
Hen laughed. “Sorry, ‘it’s not as big of a deal as everyone acts like it is?’ “
He felt his face heating up, this wasn’t a topic he had really brought up with anyone. “Yeah…” he cringed at himself. “I mean it feels nice but so does…” he stopped himself, sure Hen didn’t want to hear about that.
“Eddie, have you considered the issue is that you don’t like women?”
“What? I- What makes you think that?”
“Every girl your Tia has set you up with you find some small issue with, you only ever liked the idea of being with Ana, the way you describe your feelings for Shannon sounds like how someone would talk about their best friend…”
“That’s not true. I’ve had friends. The way I feel about Buck is nothing like what I felt for her.”
“And how do you feel about Buck?”
How did he feel about him? That wasn’t something he had ever taken the time to think about. Buck, someone who made his heart feel so full it hurt just from being in the same room. Who could somehow make him smile even in his worst moments. Buck who loved his kid so much it made him want to cry. Buck who made him feel safer than he’d felt his entire life and yet still made his heart race when he stood close. Buck and his curls that always seemed to lay perfectly. Buck and his muscular arms that made his knees feel weak if he thought about them for too long. Oh.
“Oh.”
Hen chuckled.
“Hen, what do I do?”
“That’s not my decision Eddie.”
“I- how could I have had it so wrong?”
“Repression. Sometimes you want to be what’s expected of you so badly that your brain hides the truth.”
“Yeah but that’s too easy right?”
“Sometimes it just takes a little push.”
“So I’m…”
“I don’t know. That’s for you to figure out, I just told you what I see. To me your experience sounds like a extremely repressed gay man’s. But I’m not you.”
“But I-I had a wife, and I loved her. I really did.”
“That can still be true Eddie. I mean look at Athena and her ex.”
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