hi, im 16! I worry way too much about others opinions. This is clearly stopping me from doing what i really want. I need advice for self love, self confidence... What would you say to your younger self ? ☺️

Hey love, 

1. Get to know yourself authentically.

Getting to know yourself is a lifelong experience, and it starts to take shape from the age you’re at. Begin to visualize what you want for yourself. Begin to connect with yourself - via past times/hobbies (writing, dancing, painting, singing, etc). If you have hobbies, you’ll be so busy with yourself that you won’t really think about others.

Ask yourself: “What does being me look like? What do I love to do? Where do I see my life going?” 

Journaling helps you think this through, I always recommend this to people. You can reflect on where you are in life, and where you want to go. You can set your intentions and it helps you tremendously. The universe will reward you once you begin setting your intentions with yourself. You can physically journal in a cute lil’ notebook, or digitally on journaling apps - such as Day One app. Day One can go on your Macbook and your phone. I use both physical and digital.

You can also make vision boards of the type of life you want to have - a YOU vision board, print out what the best life and your future looks like to you! Add high value women on the board that you would emulate, such as Beyoncé or Rihanna. Make it cute. Or if you are more digital, make one on Google Slides and get pictures from Pinterest, or create a private board on Pinterest. 

2. Create boundaries.

Once you get to know yourself, you will realize what you will tolerate as far as people you encounter. When you don’t have healthy boundaries, you are susceptible to always thinking about what people think, and you get taken for granted. The advantages of boundaries are stable mental and emotional health, developing autonomy, growing an identity with yourself, and nurturing self love.

You have to always ask yourself:

“Is this person adding value to my life? Do they respect my boundaries?”

You cannot allow your boundaries to be violated. There are no exceptions to this rule, because if you do make any, it violates the relationship you are building with yourself, and that is a lifelong relationship. I say don’t give people second chances, because they will use it to take advantage of you. 

Be clear about YOUR boundaries and don’t ACCEPT disrespect.  Core Personal Boundaries I Live By:

-Valuing your own feelings. You do not owe anyone an apology for how you feel. It is your own job to monitor how you feel and how others make you feel. You don’t owe anyone anything, but you owe yourself validation. I will not value other opinions over my own. i will not anticipate what other people are thinking or needing.

-Never oversharing with someone. Maintaining a semblance of privacy, because your life is your own and people can plot on your goals. Do not share too much of everything.

I will not overshare my goals and desires with someone. I will not speak about my personal problems with everyone.

I will not share every detail of my life.

-Knowing your personal needs and communicating them. If you need to defend yourself, communicate such. If someone is hurting you and they’re supposed to be your friend, be direct. Protect your emotional space ALWAYS. Never compromise this for other people.

I will take responsibility for my own emotions and needs, always.

I will protect myself.

-Not wasting time on social media when you’re bored. Instead, work on your hobbies, journaling, etcetera. When developing your self love and confidence, wasting so much time on Instagram for example is not going to help you. You have to focus on yourself.

I will put more time into myself everyday, rather than social media.

I will not waste time on social media.

-Never accepting less than mutual friendships and relationships. Once someone has proven themselves to be fake, do not accept this. Once someone has proven that they don’t care about you, do not accept this. Only tolerate what you deserve. If they give any less, remove yourself quietly from the situation and move on. 

I will not tolerate toxic friendships or relationships. I will always remove myself from any situation that is not good for me. 

I will know and understand what I deserve, and I will not accept less than what I deserve.

-Avoid people who are negative. If you are hanging out with negative individuals, they will infiltrate your life and wreck your mindset. If someone is always complaining, always jealous of you, always criticizing, and isn’t going the direction you’re going, again, no remorse. Don’t allow it.

I will not have a friend circle of negative, jealous people.

I will always put energy into people who put positive energy into me.

The reason why I am so sure of myself and sure of my dynamics in my life is because I have strong boundaries with myself and others. Setting them may feel weird or wrong at first, but this is so important and it saves you so much heartache. 

3. Reinvent yourself.

Ask yourself: What does the new me look like?

Confidence is all about how you command yourself. I have already said the following things on my blog on my posts about confidence, which you can find here: confidence.

Start thinking like you are the most important thing in the world, because you are. Begin working on your posture when you walk in a room. Wear outfits that make YOU feel good. They don’t have to be what anyone else says but you! 

If not, you need to make sure you have routines dedicated to yourself. A routine day and night including your skincare/hygiene, saying 3 things you know to be true about yourself in the mirror (I am beautiful, I am blessed, I am blossoming) say those every single day, meditation and yoga, some tea, and your journaling like I said. Every. Day. Do not slack.

Have a pampering/self love routine: hair is on point, nails are on point, makeup is on point. Body is on point: bubble baths/relaxing showers, lathered in cocoa/shea butter after, and perfume. At night, have a cute robe, cute slippers, cute pajamas. Go to the gym some days, or just do workouts at home, or stick to the yoga, as it does make you sweat with certain poses.

4. Foster independence and don’t look back. 

Being your own best friend is the most important lesson to learn in life. You have to begin to develop your autonomy from now to the rest of your life. Be more independent, make sure you are fixing your own problems and not involving everybody and their mama, learn to rely on you, and manifest opportunities and goals on your own time without involving everyone so heavily. In a generation where everyone is so interconnected via cell phones, you will stand out because you are confident, independent, and focused on you. You can have fun with other people, but the difference will show when you only engage with high value individuals. Make sure you’re productive: studying or working, and make sure you understand the days where you need to relax and resort to serious pampering. 

This will begin your journey to self love and confidence, and not worrying about everybody else!

about to write the world's longest post (a review? maybe?) because i don't know anyone else who has read mister impossible yet and if i do not write my thoughts down SOMEWHERE i will either combust or eat my own foot, probably (spoilers, obviously)

genuinely brokenhearted (and cried a lot) over ronan in this book. part of what i loved so much about cdth was the sense that ronan had at least made some progress in regards to his mental health, self-love, etc. and now we're seeing him in such a dark place again that it hurts to read. it was sad enough believing, for almost the entire book, that he was blindly idolizing bryde for this reason (declan's "ronan is a follower" speech in the cafe with carmen actually killed me), and i thought maggie was just going for the whole "unhappy people are more susceptible to cults" thing. but to find out that he MADE bryde? that he felt so alone and so hopeless that he dreamt THAT? this read like some sort of super-villain origin story. i know ronan believes he's doing the right thing, saving dreamers and dreams and all that, but at the core of it all he's really doing it because bryde told him to, and bryde only exists because ronan subconsciously hates his life so much he'll do whatever it takes to make himself a new one. that just makes me incredibly sad

uhhhhhhhh bad day for pynch stans. we didn't technically get the dreaded break up, but it feels like we did anyway. even the sweet moments (e.g. ronan's memory of adam's gloves) are immediately followed up by something sad (e.g. the memory not being enough to keep ronan from sticking with bryde) (also, fletcher tells the moderators that they're broken up, so does that mean adam told all his college friends he's single?) there are several moments in which ronan makes it very clear that he will (and does) prioritize what he's doing with bryde over his relationship with adam (hanging up on him at the end? what the fuck) and like, i'm definitely not saying his boyfriend should be the #1 most important thing in his life because that's not healthy, either, but the dude is clearly very unhappy & insecure in the relationship. i still think (hope?) that they'll get a happy ending because ronan definitely cares about adam deeply (not wanting bryde to say the word tamquam, keeping adam out of his dreamspace so he doesn't lose harvard, etc.) but things are looking pretty grim right now :/

adam loves ronan so much it makes me crazy. he could easily say "fuck this" after ronan doesn't speak to him for weeks, especially knowing that ronan's capable of reaching out because he still talks to declan and especially after being blocked from ronan's dreamspace, too. i would be pissed if i heard from my bf for the first time in weeks and found out he only called because he needed a place where he & the guy he ditched me for could crash. but adam still spends the free time i'm sure he doesn't actually have keeping tabs on ronan and reaching out to declan and pretty much doing everything in his power to help. and oh my god even after ronan hangs up on him we still see him scrying to try to get to him and i need to move on now before i scream (but first, declan lynch = #1 pynch stan??? the number of times he mentions adam when thinking about the things he wants ronan to keep safe, help me)

speaking of adam, i had to put the book down and take a lap after his first appearance. i cannot believe this boy is charging harvard kids for fake tarot readings and making hella cash off of it. KING. genuinely some fantastic adam content in this. i love that he talks to the gray man. i love that we are reminded that he's literally brilliant. but also, he makes me sad, too. when declan mentions how ronan is the ONE person who adam opens up to and how all of his harvard groupies are just "ducklings"........honey, i love you, please, please, please make some real friends

hennessy's pov also breaks my heart. it's maybe even worse to read than ronan's because she's fully aware of how unhappy she is and the bluntness of it slaps you across the face. the memory of her mom's painting was genuinely chilling (the lace pattern on the floor - was that how the Lace started? am i understanding that correctly?) and the fact that it was so dreadful she accidentally made a sweetmetal....poor hennessy :( also, the things she said to jordan, right after she made half a dozen real ass people crash their cars and didn't even bat an eye about it....yikes. i'm glad she teamed up with carmen and liliana, though. i love my team of wlw girlies (also really interesting that carmen/liliana believe the Lace is something out of hennessy's control while ronan/bryde believe it's something she can get rid of if she just tries hard enough. what the fuck is the Lace, it's driving me nuts)

CARLIANA KISS CARLIANA KISS CARLIANA KISS

jordan's pov!!!!!!! delicious, finally some good fucking food!!!!!!! i'm happy that she's starting to see herself as her own person, independent of hennessy, and the whole forgery/original work metaphor was really cool (her first original work being a portrait of declan 🥺🥺🥺) i loooooove her relationship with matthew and how she speaks to him and that they're able to connect with each other because they're both dreams. i love that she's able to make him feel more human

JORDECLAN KISS JORDECLAN KISS JORDECLAN KISS (but i'm even more hung up on declan just casually talking about MARRIAGE, oh my GOD)

declan my beloved....my sweet......absolutely obsessed with him saying "screw politics, i'm leaning into my crime side" and OBSESSED with him being happy for once. i know the other shoe did drop and now things are all messed up again but it was so nice to see him so content, at least for a little while. he needed a break (also was laughing my ass off at all of ronan's dream creatures just climbing onto his bed in the morning and his screaming and how matthew was so used to it he BRUSHED HIS TEETH before going to help. iconic)

matthew's pov was also really upsetting but 🥺him deciding he's tired of just being treated like a pet and that he deserves to have a future so he goes to sign himself up to finish high school 🥺

quick note but the whole sweetmetal thing is really interesting as a concept. loooooved the way maggie incorporated the gardner museum heist into the story

THE ENDING???? WHY THE FUCK IS JORDAN AWAKE. WHY THE FUCK IS RONAN STILL ASLEEP. WAS ADAM STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF SCRYING WHEN THE LEY LINE DISAPPEARED, AND, IF SO, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR HIM. WHY ARE LITERALLY ALL THE MODERATORS DREAMS. WHAT IS HAPPENING

Picnics and Perspicuity

This is an extremely self-indulgent Fred blurb that I wrote on a whim. 💕

Summary: You and Fred enjoy a peaceful morning together. Word Count: 699 Note: I’m not joking when I say this is on a whim. I got out of bed and wrote this in ten minutes. Enjoy!

You yawned, stretching out your legs as you rolled over in the bed. You thumped against Fred’s broad chest next to you. Breathing in his musky scent, you nuzzled yourself closer to him. He groaned lightly, shifting and wrapping his arms around you. He held you close, kissing your forehead lightly.

“Morning love,” he whispered gently. 

“Morning Freddie,” You smiled up at him before burrowing your head into the crook of his neck.

He let out a throaty chuckle, sending vibrations through you. You shivered lightly, and Fred pulled you in closer to him. Being in a completely brick room up in a tower in the middle of winter certainly did get cold from time to time. Fred pulled the blankets further up the bed, nearly covering you. You pressed a light kiss to his cheek, drifting off to sleep once again.

You both woke up again a while later. Fred yawned, removing his arms from around you. He stood from the bed, pulling you up with him. 

“Fred,” you groaned, attempting to climb back into the bed.

“Y/n,” he mocked back. His hands grabbed your hips, just enough to keep you in place. He smirked, spinning you around to face him. He wrapped one arm around your, bringing his other hand to cup your cheek. He brought you closer for a loving, tender kiss. “I love you,” he mumbled into your lips.

“Love you, too,” you whispered, pulling away from him. “We’re almost late for our own lunch date, Fred.”

He chuckled, “Well I suppose we better get ready then.” He smiled, leading you into the connected bathroom. “Bath?”

You nodded, reaching to light the two nearby candles as Fred got the bath running. 

Fred sunk into the bath, letting out a breath at the soothing water. He brought his arms up, inviting you to join him. You stepped into the large tub, leaning back until you rested against Fred’s broad, toned chest. You sighed in comfort and satisfaction as Fred wrapped his arms around you. The water, enchanted with some special potions, was so calming and relaxing you could’ve fallen asleep all over again. 

Fred massaged the soreness out of your thighs and hips and you gently squeezed his forearms.

He kissed down your neck gently. “You’re gorgeous, y/n. I don’t tell you enough.”

“Yes you do Freddie,” you giggled, “But thank you. You’re rather fine yourself I suppose.”

“You supposed?” He raised his voice in fake offense, gently splashing water on you.

“Can’t have you getting cocky now, Weasley.”

“Course not,” he replied, “that’s for later.” You didn’t need to be looking at him to see the wink and cheeky grin on his face. 

After the bath you both got showered off and changed, ready for your picnic date. 

You pulled on your favorite blue sundress while Fred buttoned up his casual dress shirt. Walking hand-in-hand, you went down to the outskirts of Hogwarts’ grounds. With a flick of his wand, Fred set up an entire picnic fit for royalty.

“How romantic,” you mused, sitting down. He smiled at you, sitting across from you.

“Only the best for you, darling,” he winked. He poured you both a small glass of firewhiskey. “Here’s to the end of our final year here at Hogwarts and our life together in the future.” He raised his glass towards you, and just as you did the same, you noticed something peculiar in your drink.

Eyeing the glass, you realized what the object was. “Fred,” you breathed out, reaching in to grab the object without second thought. You held the ring in your hand, diamond glinting in the afternoon sun. “Is this?-”

“Absolutely, y/n. I love you so, so bloody much, more than I can put into words right now. I can’t imagine a life without you going forward, so will you be my wife?”

You felt the tears stream down your face, nodding your head yes as you slipped the ring onto your finger. “It’s beautiful,” you choked out, “I love you so much Fred.” You leaned over, pulling him into a tight, loving kiss and embrace.

“I love you too,” he whispered, never wanting to let go.

Fred Taglist: @it-was-three-am​ @hariosborn​ @bforbroadway​ @haphazardhufflepuff​ @slytherin-chaser​ @chaotic-fae-queen​ @masterofthedarkness​ @stuckindilemma​ @slytherinlovesgryffindor​ @dralf0yy​ @pastel-filme​ @marauderswhisperer​ @notruercolors​ @levylovegood​ @vintagecherrypie106​ @black-lake-confessions​ @crissdanvers​ @susceptible-but-siriusexual​

[ this headcanon meme | still accepting ]

@chantlight​​ said: hc + emotions?

Cut for length bc I was really feeling this and it got long.

          I’m gonna break this up into tl;dr sections to hopefully make the read easier because I got super inspired and rambled about several different things, but they all center around Daeris and her emotions / emotional health.

          Daeris is desensitized, but not a stone-cold assassin.

          Daeris's biggest failing as an assassin is her inability to kill off her emotions. She was trained from early childhood by her caretakers in the Dark Brotherhood to be a perfect weapon in both body and mind, but while she found success in the former, the latter was a failure. Daeris feels emotions intensely. She wishes she could be the perfect machine that everyone wants her to be, but no matter how hard she tries, she cannot do so. Not completely. 

          This unhealthy mindset forced upon her has only made her emotional turmoil worse. Daeris is, with the exception of her conscience, the perfect assassin. At a young age, she became desensitized to death and the act of killing. She has learned how to put her emotions aside for as long as she needs to get the job done, but being desensitized to her own actions as she does the deed doesn’t mean that she does not feel the emotional consequences later on. And oh boy, does she. It’s even worse because she was taught that she shouldn’t have remorse and that it was a sign of weakness, so she never learned how to express it or cope with it in a healthy manner.

          Daeris’s relationship with her own emotions is extremely unhealthy.

          There is a pent-up hurricane of emotions within her that she does not know how to release. It manifests in night terrors, depression, self-loathing, insomnia, and other PTSD-like symptoms that she does not understand. She’s developed a hypersexual, pleasure and adrenaline-seeking lifestyle as an unhealthy coping mechanism in response because she cannot make any of these negative symptoms go away; she’s found she can only stave them off for a short while, and the best way to do so is to overload her senses with cheap thrills.

          Daeris KNOWS that her emotional state is super unhealthy, but she feels so entrapped that she cannot imagine a healthy future for herself. Thus she perpetuates her own cycle of self-loathing.

          In a way, she does have a surface-level understanding of where it’s coming from. She’s self-aware enough to recognize what she is and what she’s doing. If she had been able to make the choice herself, she would have never become an assassin. If she could leave, she would, but what else is out there for her? This is the only family she’s ever known. This is the path her own mother set her on. She stays faithful to the Brotherhood, doing these horrid things and inflicting more self-hatred upon herself, all in hope that one day she will get to put the blade down. That one day her mother will keep her promise and pull Daeris away from the Brotherhood to fulfill whatever secretive purpose she had in store for her daughter. But the more realistic part of her knows that, even when the day comes that she joins Nocturnal at her side, she’ll never be able to put the blade down. Why would Nocturnal make her into a weapon if she didn’t plan on using her, after all? It’s hopeless and she knows it, but she has to keep herself going because she feels she can’t change things otherwise.

          In spite of everything, there’s still a lot of good left in Daeris. But thanks to Imposter Syndrome (or something similar to it), she struggles recognizing her good qualities as genuine parts of herself.

          Daeris’s strong emotions may be a weakness in her profession, but they are also a strength she does not realize she has, and she could flourish if she would give in and accept that part of herself. She is deeply empathetic and has an incredibly loving nature. Even tainted by the darkness in her veins and the blood on her hands, that part of her remains, desperately waiting for a chance to move away from the dark path she’s on and heal. 

          She is kind. She is compassionate. She loves people. But she is also an assassin. A murderer. And it has an effect on her that’s similar to Imposter Syndrome. There is such a drastic contrast between the two sides of Daeris that she cannot reason within herself that it’s possible for both versions of herself to exist at the same time. Though her better qualities are as much a part of her as her darker ones are, because these darker qualities exist in an environment where they are encouraged and as such dominate her life, it makes the better qualities feel fake. She is kind and loving, but she feels like it’s a fraud; that truly she is incapable of being like that as the real her is horrible. When she has good experiences, she feels like a monster playing pretend. She feels like she’s akin to the Big Bad Wolf disguised as the grandmother in the tale of Red Riding Hood. Like all the happiness that comes to her is fake, or that she does not deserve any of it.

          Honestly? Her morality could swing either way in most verses, and it wholly depends on the influences she interacts with. 

          A strong example of Daeris finally accepting the good in herself and choosing to follow a better path is her ESO verse played out in it’s full, developed storyline. Even then the darkness in her nature is strong, and it always will be, but the true change is that she also accepts the good things. She sees herself as a complete person instead of a fragmented being at war with herself. And she can thrive amidst the heavy losses she has suffered, whereas a younger Daeris who had not experienced that level of self-realization would not have been able to handle what happened and would self-destruct. On the other hand, since most of her verses do not have this kind of development pre-built into them, she is also susceptible to giving in completely to the darker aspects; of truly becoming a powerful Daedric Lord who pursues self-interests above all else, which is exactly what her mother is grooming her to be. I love Daeris’s development in ESO and her reaching that point in her actualization will always be the best outcome for her (and her canon outcome), but as a writer, I am also interested in what would happen if the pendulum swings the other way. And that’s what really excites me about Daeris: getting to watch her adapt and change and discover things about herself, whether for better or worse.

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 4: The Death of Mysterio

Previous Part

Next Part

Master Post

Last time we began our look at the life of Mysterio. In this post we’ll continue our retrospective, starting with the 1990s.

The 1990s: Helping Harry

We come now to an event that chronologically would’ve happened in the 1990s but was retroactively established in 2009.

During Brand New Day (ASM #581 specifically) we learned via retcon that Mysterio was responsible for faking the death of Mary Jane’s close friend, Harry Osborn. He did this on behalf of his Harry’s, father Norman.

I won’t recount the entire Harry Osborn Saga for you, but suffice it to say that Harry’s descent into madness was incredibly stressful for Mary Jane and Peter.

In spite of what Harry had become the couple were grief-stricken by his death.

MJ in particular was so affected by his death she requested Peter take a temporary break from hero work.

That same day Carnage began a killing spree alongside several other highly violent super villains. MJ’s grief over Harry coupled with the anxiety that Peter might meet a similar fate contributed to straining her and her marriage further, albeit briefly.

At the time Peter and MJ were living in an apartment owned by the Osborns. Following the Carnage crisis, Harry’s widow Liz Allan evicted the Parkers as a direct result of Harry’s death. Obviously this added to the Parkers’ distress.

In general Harry’s death left short and long-term wounds for MJ and people she loved and Mysterio was directly implicated in that. As he had done with Aunt May he had caused entirely unnecessary pain and grief out of pure selfishness, even if he was merely a ‘hired gun’ to that effect.

We never see MJ learn this information but given how one of her friends seemingly came back from the dead  it’s something she’d obviously want to know about and since she is so close to Peter and Harry it’s extremely unlikely they wouldn’t have told her.

I will admit that this example is a contentious one as it doesn’t really make sense for a loooooooot of reasons and the story doesn’t 100% confirm that Harry (and by extension Peter and anyone either of them might tell) knows  Mysterio was responsible.

So it could be argued that as far as Harry knows an unknown ‘someone’ covered his tracks (presumably his father) but he’s in the dark regarding Beck’s involvement.

However it is food for thought, yet another thing that would realistically cause MJ to hold Mysterio in lowly regard.

Duel with the Devil

Lets move away from Beck’s encounters with Spidey and towards those he had with Man Without Fear, Daredevil.

The first of these occurred in Daredevil #358, set shortly after the Onslaught crossover. In the wake of Onslaught’s attack and the presumed deaths of the Avengers and F4 Beck set up a fraudulent insurance scheme to con people out of their money.  That isn’t too relevant beyond it once again proving what an exploitative dickbag Mysterio is. More importantly though, it sets up his next encounter with DD.

I am of course referring to the ‘Guardian Devil’ story arc that ran through Daredevil volume 2 #1-8.

This arc is the absolute nadir of Mysterio’s ‘bad behaviour’.

Developing terminal illnesses and with just a year to live, Beck sought to go out with a bang. Initially he intended to make Spider-Man the centre of his plan but due to confusion (arising from Ben Reilly’s tenure as Spidey) he targeted Daredevil instead. Learning personal details about Daredevil’s life (including his secret identity) Beck built a plan designed to attack Matt Murdock’s sanity (evoking his scheme in ASM #24). In particular his plan hinged upon Murdock’s Catholic beliefs.

A key component of his plan was the abduction, drugging, artificial insemination and gas lighting of a Catholic teenager named Gwyneth.

Although her faith led Gwyneth to believe her pregnancy was divine in origin, she was understandably emotionally distraught after discovering herself pregnant and her pregnancy caused major strife with her parents. To ensure Gwyneth’s parents wouldn’t get the chance to investigate the matter, Beck hired some thugs to murder them. Witnessing her mother being beheaded  over the body  of her father Gwyneth fled with her baby, terrified as the thugs pursued her.

Out of desperation she was temporarily forced to sleep on the streets with her baby. It was at this point that Beck used his illusionary skills to trick her into seeing a ‘divine vision’ that led her to Matt Murdock. Passing her baby onto Matt she fled again hoping to lay low. However Mysterio’s men found and promptly murdered her. Her body was buried somewhere it wouldn’t be found.

Just to bottom line things so far, Mysterio knowingly:

Abducted

Drugged

Sexually assaulted

Orphaned

Traumatised

Hunted

Distressed

Manipulated

And murdered

A TEENAGED GIRL!

Just saying…

Anyway, there was more to Beck’s scheme than just Gwyneth.

He also murdered an innocent old man and for his fortune and impersonated him to enact the next part of his plan. This entailed slipping Murdock drugs that made him susceptible to Beck’s cover story. According to this story Gwyneth’s baby was in fact the literal anti-Christ and misfortune would befall Matt the longer he was around the child.

To help make his story more convincing Beck began targeting Matt’s loved ones.

He hired a drug-addicted actress named Lydia Mckenzie to seduce Matt’s best friend Foggy Nelson, who was already in a relationship. On Beck’s orders she also slipped Foggy a drug that caused him to perceive her as a demon and believe that he had pushed her out a window. In reality Beck ensured she died of an overdose, shoved her out the window himself and over all framed Foggy for murder.*

He also posed as a doctor and (I am dead serious right now) tricked Matt’s girlfriend Karen Page into believing she had AIDs. Remember this story was from the late 1990s so this was a BIG deal.

As a result of these machinations and the drug Beck slipped him, Daredevil genuinely tried to murder Gwyneth’s baby.

Mysterio later hired DD’s long-time nemesis (and known psychopathic assassin) Bullseye to abduct Lydia’s baby. He cared little about the inevitable collateral damage Bullseye caused in pursuit of his target. And by ‘collateral damage’ I mean the serious injuries to several people (including Matt’s mother, the nun Sister Margaret) and the murder of 11 people. Karen was among the casualties, traumatically dying in Matt’s arms.

Matt was so distraught over Karen’s death that he briefly contemplated suicide.

Angry and determined, Daredevil zeroed in on Beck’s hideout where Beck had a gauntlet prepared for him. One of the obstacles Murdock faced was an illusion of Karen stuck in Hell. Undoubtedly this was the single most spiteful and hurtful of the things Matt endured in Beck’s gauntlet.

When Daredevil and Mysterio finally come face to face, Beck revealed Gwyneth’s baby trapped in a soundproof chamber where the air was rapidly running out.

So…Mysterio is a-okay with seriously endangering and potentially murdering a baby.

…Again…Just saying…

Mysterio finally revealed his master plan to Daredevil, intending to push a broken Murdock into murdering him.

When DD refused Mysterio opted to emulate Kraven the Hunter and blow his own brains out; a fact that became public knowledge.**

Now sure, we the audience might be aware of all these awful things Beck did in ‘Guardian Devil’; but how much does MJ  know about them?

The potential answer is all of it.

The definite answer is more than enough of it.

Towards the start of Daredevil v2 #8 Peter is shown watching a news report about Mysterio’s death. The report acknowledges Mysterio committed suicide and that the bodies of his criminal crew had been found. It also refers to ‘a related story’, that of Foggy Nelson being freed from prison after being framed for Lydia’s death. This implies the news were aware Mysterio was implicated in Lydia’s death.

During this scene MJ is not only within earshot of most of the report, but she even consoles Peter that Mysterio was (in her own words) ‘a lunatic’. She acknowledges he was responsible for the deaths of ‘all those people’. She continues by saying Beck doesn’t deserve Peter’s ‘pity’ and that he should ‘not mourn for Mysterio’. She concludes by telling him to mourn someone ‘who deserves it’ instead.

Then they go to Karen Page’s funeral, which they were clearly preparing for during the news report.

Their attendance of the funeral and the scene leading into it heavily implies that Peter and MJ were aware that Mysterio’s was implicated in Karen’s murder.***

Later in the issue Spider-Man talks to Daredevil in order to fill in the blanks.

We do not know for sure if Spider-Man relayed any of this information to Mary Jane, but it’d be highly likely.

He typically confides in her and uses his conversations with her to process things. MJ herself often asks him to share if she sees something I bothering him.

In this case Peter would especially want to inform MJ of what happened and MJ would especially want to know.

This is because the incident entails one of Peter’s foes essentially manipulating and killing the lover of a fellow street level hero. In fact the only reason Daredevil was targeted at all was because Beck didn’t realise Peter was still around as the original Spider-Man. In other words Peter and MJ could very well have been in Matt and Karen’s shoes.

For the sake of future reference and general safety it’s totally unbelievable that Peter would not have told MJ about this at some point. After all, forewarned is forearmed and MJ has found herself targeted by people with powers of deception like Mysterio in the past, e.g. Venom and the Chameleon.****

I admit there is no hard proof that MJ knows all the details about Mysterio’s actions, but it’s rather unlikely that she wouldn’t if Peter did; it’s just common sense. Therefore we don’t need to see such a scene any more than we need to see the characters going to the bathroom or paying their taxes. It’s just such basic common sense we can presume it happened.

Even if you don’t think so, at the bear minimum Mary Jane definitely knows Mysterio is guilty of murder, accessory to murder (of someone in a similar relationship to herself), gas lighting and mental abuse. The result was that she personally regarded him as mentally unhinged and unworthy f sympathy.

If you only bear in mind ONE of the stories we’ve looked at so far, remember this one. In particular because the story is explicitly referenced in Amazing Mary Jane #1.

The 2000s: Rebirth of Berkhart

As far as those in charge of Marvel were concerned, Beck was genuinely dead and that was the status quo throughout the 2000s.

Nevertheless there are two very noteworthy events from MJ’s point of view that should be taken into account.

The first occurred in ASM v2 #7-8. In this story ‘Mysterio’ abducts the Parker family along with some of their friends and plugs them into a virtual reality machine because the Matrix was really popular back then. His intention was to deduce Spider-Man’s true identity by monitoring their interactions in the virtual world.

This virtual world happened to be shaped by the subconscious of Flash Thompson, meaning everyone was contorted to fit into his wish fulfilment fantasy. This included MJ’s friend Jill Stacy becoming a seemingly resurrected Gwen Stacy, MJ herself being gaga over Flash and wanting to marry him (the climax actually occurs at their wedding) and MJ’s husband being wheelchair bound.

Realistically the fantasy world (along with the realization they’d been abducted) would’ve obviously been upsetting for Mary Jane. Indeed it would’ve been upsetting for everyone else too (including fragile old Aunt May) even if it didn’t leave long-term scars. With no equivocation, this upset was directly ‘Mysterio’s’ fault.

I say Mysterio, but in actuality (and due to retcons) it was Beck’s ‘apprentice’ Danny Berkhart. However, Mary Jane couldn’t have known that (even the writers didn’t!), so from her point of view it would’ve seemed likely that Beck was responsible and merely faked his death once more during the ‘Guardian Devil’ arc.

Later during the ‘Mysterio Manifesto’ mini-series Spidey and Daredevil discovered the truth behind Berkhart’s scheme. This is tangentially important to bear in mind because of what we are going to look at next, namely Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #12.

The specifics of this story aren’t all that relevant. All you need to know is that following Spidey publically unmasking Midtown High (where he worked as a science teacher) was besieged by three Mysterios. One was a new villain named Francis Klum, who had a vendetta against Spider-Man. Another was Berkhart who took issue with Klum’s claim to the Mysterio mantle. And the third was Beck himself, literally sent back from Hell.

After deducing an illusion of MJ as a fake Peter calls the genuine article to confirm her safety. During their conversation it’s revealed that MJ believes Mysterio to be dead.

First of all, this scene establishes that MJ was definitely aware Mysterio had targeted her husband (again!) and potentially endangered school children  in the process.

Second of all, from her point of view it’d seem likely that Beck would be behind this. I grant you that's a point that can be debated. However in her conversation with Peter he seems to imply to her that it is the original Mysterio.

Finally (and most importantly) MJ’s dialogue reveals that previously believed Beck was dead. Between ‘Guardian Devil’ and ‘Beck’s’ presence in ASM v2 #7-8 Mary Jane would have no reason to believe Beck hadn’t simply faked his death again. That is unless Peter told her otherwise.

Remember, Peter learned the truth in the ‘Mysterio Manifesto’ when MJ was believed dead, which occurred after  ASM v2 #8. This means that Peter must have informed her of this discovery after she was revealed as alive.

This is a point less about how bad of a person Beck is and more about proving that Peter keeps MJ abreast of noteworthy events in regards to his villains. Thus it is absolutely illogical to presume MJ wouldn’t similarly be in the know about most events Peter experiences pertaining to his villains; or at least the really noteworthy ones.

Let’s leave it there for now. Next time we will finish our coverage as we enter the 2010s.

*‘Fun’ fact. In addition to her close friend/ex-boyfriend Harry Osborn struggling with a drug addiction (which indirectly led to Gwen’s death) another of MJ’s friends was well acquainted with drugs.

Her name was Lorraine and she helped MJ learn the ropes when she was first getting into modelling. Unfortunately after overdosing in the Parker residence, MJ learned Lorraine had a major cocaine problem. MJ was so upset by this she asked Peter to sort out Lorraine’s dealer, only to be distraught when Lorraine simply went to someone worse and very nearly died as a result.

Lorraine survived and MJ was determined to help her through her problem.

Oh and MJ herself struggled for a little while to kick cigarettes.

All of which is to say Mary Jane is definitely going to take major issue with someone exploiting someone else’s drug addiction for their own ends. Which is exactly what Beck did with Lydia McKenzie.

Not to mention Lydia was someone in the exact same profession as Mary Jane, which might incline further ire from MJ.

**Remember this is not the first time Mysterio has been publically declared dead. It first occurred in ASM #141, which I discussed in the last instalment.

***Not to mention how it’d be common sense to ask how someone so young died if you are going to their funeral.

****And as food for thought she has literally armed herself with guns in the past. As such the idea she wouldn’t make a point of getting practical information for the sake of safety is highly unbelievable, even if she didn’t live in a city where super villains are commonplace.

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Master Post

Top 8 Insane MJ Theories

1. Michael Jackson is Dave Dave. Dave Dave was originally born as David Charles Rothenberg who was set on fire by his father over a custody dispute when he was six-years-old. He survived but suffered third-degree burns. He was befriended by Michael and was connected with him for years. On September 3, 2009, Dave Dave appeared on Larry King Live to discuss the funeral arrangements for Jackson. What made many people suspicious was how eerily similar he sounded to Michael. Such as having certain verbal quirks like saying "Encino house" instead of "houses in Encino." The way he spoke about Michael's legacy also appeared to be speaking entirely in the third person. When you watch the interview, it's noticeable that he was nervous throughout. It could be chalked up to him being anxious about being on television, or, as some belief, it's Michael trying to get into character. Michael also had a history of disguising himself and one dressed up as a mayor for his "Ghost" short film. So it would not be out of the ordinary for Michael to get some makeup and dress up as Dave Dave if he was theoretically alive. However, anyone can easily sound like Michael and it strikes me as odd that if it was Michael, why would he keep the same voice if he did not want to be found out? On a last note, there was a WordPress account that posited that Dave Dave prior to dying was using his Myspace account to pretend to be Michael because MJ's followers were that gullible to believe him, but with no one coming out to confess authorship of the doc, I find it dubious at best.

2. Michael is the Archangel Michael: An insane theory, but it does make some small sense. Kind of. So, "Michael" is Hebrew for "Who is like God?" Michael would make it abundantly clear throughout his life that he was deeply faithful and believed fervently in God. Initially, Michael was not actually going to be the seventh child of the Jackson family, but due to the death of Marlon's twin brother shortly after his birth, this gives many theorizers the idea that Michael's birth was of some divine nature. Some believe that Michael was sent to be a guide for people to bring them into the light citing that with his death, the world became a little darker. I've already made it clear that I'm a skeptic, and just because Michael shared the name to one of the only named archangels in the Hebrew Bible doesn't mean that he is divine, or literally an angel. But it is interesting all the same.

3. Egyptian Connections: There is a rich assortment of Egyptian artifacts at the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago with several well-preserved mummies. There is also a bust made out of limestone of a woman with prominent cheeks and eyes with a chipped off nose. It bears a striking resemblance to the late King of Pop. Aside from that, there was also a painting of a young man that also resembled Jackson, well after his vitiligo and the plastic surgeries. Some claim this as proof of Michael being a time traveler, or that he was reincarnated over several centuries and is an old soul. Or, Michael allegedly saw the bust and decided to model himself after it.

4. BeLIEvers: They are a group dedicated to the idea that Michael faked his death and demonstrate this through either album of his or "sightings." For instance, one album claims to have the subliminal message "I live" written on Michael's lower lip. They also look for slip-ups from the Jackson family or have gone as far as to say that Michael arranged for his entire funeral to be a farse saying that people were laughing or smiling at what would typically be a somber event. Even though y'know, oftentimes people laugh or smile at funerals because they remembered some of the good times they've had with the person they loved?

5. Muzan = Michael Jackson. More of a comedic one, but some like to say that rather than dying, Michael merely inserted himself into the eternal media of anime as Muzan Kibutsuji, the main antagonist of the anime and manga series Demon Slayer. In some ways, it makes sense. While shapeshifting is an ability Kibutsuji has, his default one bears a resemblance to Jackson's outfit in the Smooth Criminal music video. In the manga, Kibutsuji was an ordinary human but suffered from a rare illness that should've killed him at 20. His doctor made an antidote (prototype) from the Blue Spider Lily but instead transformed him into a demon who couldn't walk into the sun again. Sounds similar to Michael calling himself Peter Pan.

6. He could predict the future. Apparently, he was supposed to have been in the World Trade Center's towers when 9/11 happened but overslept. In his album "Blood on the Dance Floor," Michael is depicted in front of a city with smoke in the background. In front of him is a clock: his arms point to a 9 and an 11, thus implying that he is referring to 9/11. Additionally, many take the stance that his hands are situated 8 and 10 meaning 8:50. The attacks themselves took place at 8:46 AM. The "blood" is attributed to the blood that was shed that day.

7. Cloning. The real Jackson allegedly died when he had that accident when he was doing a commercial for Pepsi. Alternatively, some claim that the Jackson that was announcing the This is It world tour was actually fake and the clone was the one that died on June 25, 2009. Others also infer that Prince "Blanket" Jackson was a clone of his father inspired by the successful cloning of Dolly the Sheep.

8. Michael was murdered by the Illuminati. Don't believe in the Illuminati myself. There was one once, but they were enlightened thinkers rather than a satanic organization. MK Ultra was a real thing that the CIA tried to do that was essentially a mind control program. This theory states that celebrities were set in place to dumb down the media to make the public more susceptible to brain control. Michael was apart of the operation but later started to stray from his intended path. When that happened, the Powers That Be struck back with child molestation allegations and spread insane rumors to demonize Jackson. And, due to the idea that they sacrifice celebrities as part of blood rituals to collect more wealth for themselves, this was believed to be Jackson's fate. Jackson himself said constantly that he was afraid that he'd be killed. And he wasn't that big by then until his death in 2009 where his music was sold and topped the charts. 

in season 2 episode 3, how was the mindflayer able to show up on the video? i think it might be one of will's powers, like how el can not only spy on people, but also connect what they're saying to any nearby speakers. i want to know how you think this happened

*That’s definitely a possibility.

But, I always thought it was because Joyce was  psychic?

Bob watched the video too and saw nothing. And after reading the ST prequel novel “Suspicious Minds”- I’m pretty much certain she is.

You can read the full book analysis here (cause there’s a lot of cool stuff I won’t get into here). But some of what we learned-

 Essentially, El and Kali are enigmas.

. The book even said, before El was born Kali was the strongest psychic on record. Most psychics have almost ‘realistic’ powers. El’s mom (Terry) had ‘perfect recall of memories’ , Alice (could see visions of the future- just like # number 6 in the comic), and number #3 in the comic had the power to make people susceptible into doing what he wanted.

The ‘potential’ to have powers is (generally) hereditary, however ONLY under certain conditions will these powers manifest.

(psychological trauma, drugs, or certain psychological conditioning/experimentation is usually how it’s done). Most adults who were experimented on were completely dependent on that stimulus ( electro-shock therapy, lsd, alcohol, etc.) Without the stimulus… they couldn’t really use their powers. Examples being Alice and Terry. It’s implied the younger the experiment the more likely such manipulation will give them powers ( and won’t need the stimulus in the future)- probably cause their brain is more malleable than adults.

If there wasn’t drugs/trauma, generally, if any powers still developed they are very weak

. There was only one cannon example of a psychic who just ‘had abilities’ - Ken who was born with powers along with some of his other family members.

-“I am psychic, always have been … My family always believed in this stuff… “

-“ He got feelings. Certainty would lodge itself in his chest. He had dreams with snatches of reality mixed in. Flashes of intuition. These came unpredictably—which he always thought was funny—and so he was never surprised if an inkling showed up. Or if it didn’t.”

-“ I get feelings, sometimes fully formed thoughts, that I have a deep sense are true.”

( Hmm… doesn’t this intuition-thing sounds very similar to how Joyce insisted she knew Will was alive despite seeing his fake-body.) Knowing the lights were Will trying to talk to her? Knowing the magnets meant something very bad etc.

Also, in the show,  both Terry and Joyce’s aunt(s) were both described as 

“crazy”

. And… if you claim you have psychic abilities most people would assume so. And of course Joyce and Terry were both dismissed as “mothers who couldn’t cope with the death of a child”- when they claimed their children were still alive … and it was all a government cover-up.  The fact that both Will and El’s moms- had crazy aunts proves this was probably an easter-egg (to Will having powers from his mother’s side of the family) . Because in s2- people called both Will and El

“schizos”.

Plus, in the show whenever people use their powers, there is a background noise. Will’s is a growl. El’s is a ringing noise. But when Joyce was staring at the drawings of the tunnels there was a zoom-in shot of her face (and a ‘whooshing noise). And when someone tapped her shoulder and she got startled -the noise immediately stopped.

But that’s just me… you’re theory is good, and could still be true :)

Silver and Peppermint (Part 6)

((Part 6 of a fantasy AU, where Monster Hunter Abe and his reluctant partner, the DA, are trying to track down a murderous werewolf. With one suspect more than helpful and the other on his way to the hospital, Abe and the DA have just one person connected to the victims left to talk to.

Links to Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 7, and the Epilogue.))

With these questions in mind, Abe and his District Attorney went to Garroway’s house, an older building in a still upscale neighborhood. The wiry, gray-haired woman met them at the door, her deep-set eyes knowing even as she feigned surprise at the sight of the DA and the hunter on her doorstep.

“Please, come in,” she said and ushered them into a living room, modest at first glance until you noticed the paintings on the walls were originals, the furniture of a quality that wore its age well while still being comfortable enough that Abe doubted he would be able to get back up again if he sat down.

Which is why he paced around the room before taking up a stand where he could see the faces of his partner and the theater owner. She tilted her head at his behavior but said nothing, as she no doubt dealt with stranger personalities on a weekly if not daily basis.

“While I don’t begrudge your visit, I had hoped to see you again at the theater, Y/N, not in my own home under these circumstances,” Garroway said, her eyes flickering toward the hunter.

“I don’t have much time for entertainment these days,” the District Attorney answered. “I suppose you’re aware of the recent string of murders in the city?”

“Yes, unfortunately. Alex Haywood was a firm supporter of the theater, as were the other victims. He had access to reserved seats for any show if he just asked, because there are so many shows we wouldn’t be able to put on without the help of donors like him.” Garroway sighed, her eyes dropping to her hands. “I’ll admit the news hit me hard. I haven’t been out in days, and my poor assistant has been run ragged between staying on top of things at the theater and keeping me updated. You know how some of our actors can be…temperamental.”

The District Attorney gave a nod but said, “Did your financial connections to Haywood ever extend beyond donations? After all, I know there were some talks of renovating the theater in the near future.”

“Oh, there’s always talks, but I’m afraid we hadn’t moved so far as to start looking at contractors. I admit Alex’s company would have been one of our considerations, although he may not have been able to make the time for us. The downside of booming business, I suppose.”

“I’m not sure ‘booming’ would be the right word,” the District Attorney answered. “Abe here and I recently came into possession of some financial documents that might suggest otherwise. Perhaps he spread himself a little thin?”

The District Attorney’s expression did not change, but Abe knew they had to be watching the old woman just as closely as he did. Maybe they were just as disappointed as he felt when she did not react at all to that news besides a little, curious, “Hm. Perhaps.”

“Do you know anything about how Haywood and the others died?” Abe asked, if only to get some kind of reaction out of the woman.

In turn, she fixed him with the same, even stare and said, “I know that it was murder, and after the police came by last night, I now know I am being watched. I would thank you for thinking of my safety, but you’re not with the police, are you? Just who are you, exactly?”

“Name’s Abe Lincoln, monster hunter,” Abe answered without hesitation. At this point he was used to ignoring the attorney’s reaction whenever he introduced himself, but the small turn at the corner of the theater owner’s lips put him on the defensive. “I’ve had years of experience with the worst this world has to offer, monsters that infest more than just the space under your bed or the back of your closet. I’ve dirtied my hands more times than I count stopping things your nightmares would turn and run at the sight of, so you should know that when I’m called in on a case this isn’t your run of the mill Jack the Ripper situation going on.”

“Oh, what a nice little speech. I should write that down,” Garroway said, a hint of a laugh in her voice. “You can’t seriously be suggesting that something supernatural is at work here. The city’s walls are warded, no troll or hag or what have you is going to come waltzing in. Not without raising some serious questions about how safe our people are, questions that shouldn’t be rooted on some baseless rumors. Isn’t that right, Y/N?”

“The Mayor saw fit to call in an expert,” they answered, no hint in their tone of voice or in their expression to give away what was going on behind those eyes. “And Franklin seemed convinced that he needed protection from something that was not human. Do you know why that might be?”

“Franklin? Bless his heart, he’s always been…susceptible to fits of fear and paranoia. Why, after our rendition of Carmilla, he took it in his head to wear a bulb of garlic on a key chain next to a crucifix! A useful habit to have if you find yourself cooking often, I suppose, but I somehow doubt he had anything to fear vampire-wise. Surely you’re not basing your entire investigation on that?”

“We have evidence that a werewolf was at all four crime scenes,” Abe answered. “Believe me, I know the signs of a werewolf when I see them.”

There it was again. That little sound, a small “hm,” a tiny tone that suggested a laugh maybe, or just an ounce of disbelief at his words.

He knew he would regret it, but he couldn’t stop the word from slipping out. “What?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing. I just find it interesting that of course a hunter is going to find evidence that some beast was at work here. After all, if it was just some bad egg at work, the city wouldn’t need you, now would it?”

Abe bristled, but it was the District Attorney who spoke up first.

“I’ve seen the bodies. I’ve seen what this thing has done, what it’s capable of. This is more than just some ‘bad egg,’ Ms. Garroway.”

“Of course, I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful in that regard,” she answered with a placating gesture in the attorney’s direction.  “But humans are capable of some truly terrible things on their own, as I’m sure you’re well aware, Y/N. I just fear that this hunter’s narrow-minded outlook will steer the investigation in the wrong direction entirely.”

Abe felt the heat rising to his face as he stepped forward, ready and willing to remind her that she was still a suspect in this whole thing, but he barely got the words, “Now look here—” out before there was a knock at the front door and the sound of it opening followed by a vaguely familiar voice calling out.

“Ms. Garroway? It’s Luke, I finished those errands for you this morning and I wanted to drop these off before I—”

The man stopped mid sentence when he spotted the three occupants of the living room, his surprise almost comparable to Abe’s own when he recognized the barista from the coffee shop—or rather, the fake from earlier.

The “barista” dropped the dry cleaning he had flung over one shoulder and turned to run, but Abe was faster and soon had him pinned to the wall of the hallway with his face pressed against the wood paneling and his visible eye rolling around in panic.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Garroway yelled, proving that she was more than capable of projecting her voice when she needed to. Her hand grabbed at Abe’s shoulder, but he ignored it as she said, “That is my assistant you’re manhandling! Let him go, right now!”

“Step back, please,” the District Attorney said behind her, and Abe felt the theater owner back off even as the attorney continued, “Abe, explain. Now.”

“This piece of scum was the one in the coffee shop this morning,” he said, pressing harder when Luke tried to struggle. “He’s the one who pretended to work there and gave me who knows what to drink.”

Abe lowered his voice and added into the assistant’s ear, “I don’t take kindly to poisoning. Lost a partner that way, and I can tell you it’s not a good way to go.”

“You can’t prove that was me,” the assistant said, his voice slurred thanks to the wall against his face. “I’ve never seen you before in my life! I’ve been running errands for Ms. Garroway all morning, I swear.”

“Abe, move aside,” the District Attorney said, their stare warning him not to argue. When the assistant started to move, they pressed one hand to the back of his head and said, “I didn’t say you could move. This is a serious accusation, one worth following up with the police. I’m going to search you now, do you understand?”

He muttered something under his breath, but with Abe ready and willing to step in if he resisted, the District Attorney was able to check inside the bags he had dropped alongside the dry cleaning before patting him down.

Only to stop at his waist, where they pulled a small bottle out of his pocket.

“Care to explain what’s in this?” they asked.

“Medicine,” he answered without hesitation. “I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping lately, my doctor said it would help.”

“No label, so we’ll have to get someone to verify that,” the District Attorney said. They popped the lid off and made a small ‘tsk’-ing sound before saying, “I’m guessing your doctor didn’t suggest you use this all at once, as I can only imagine that would get you more than just one night of sleep.”

“That’s why I had it on me, so I wouldn’t forget to go to the pharmacy for a refill,” Luke answered.

“So I’m sure your doctor or your pharmacist would be willing to confirm that when I talk to them later,” the District Attorney said as they slipped the empty bottle into their pocket.

“That’s my medicine, you can’t just take it!” Luke turned to scowl at both of them. “I don’t even know what you two are talking about, and I’m not going to the police!”

“While I disagree wholeheartedly that Luke had anything to do with this nonsense,” Garroway said, giving Abe an evil stare, “If you insist on taking him in, I’m sure the police would be more than willing to look into this when they have real matters to deal with. And I will make sure the press is aware of this behavior.”

“As I said, these are serious accusations,” the District Attorney answered with a terrible calm as they studied Garroway. “I will need a statement from you, concerning Luke’s duties as your assistant and what you know of his movements this morning.”

“…Of course,” Garroway said, and even the District Attorney seemed surprised by her sudden change of tone. “I will be more than happy to share the chores I had him complete, and I am sure that everyone from the dry cleaner to the shop assistant will confirm his whereabouts. I am sure you have this ‘tainted coffee’ on hand to compare against Luke’s medicine?”

The District Attorney hesitated and Abe thought of the empty cup he tossed into the bin, its contents long dried up on the sidewalk outside of the Mayor’s office.

A cruel smile began to form around Garroway’s mouth. “Oh. Well, what about witnesses? You say this happened in a coffee shop, there must have been someone around to see this charade.”

Abe cleared his throat, but neither answered.

“I see. Then this should be a short visit, more than enough time to make some calls afterward. Do lead, Y/N, Abe. Luke, I promise I won’t count this against your hours if you remembered to pick up the burgundy ribbon from the shop the costume designer’s been begging for.”

“Of course, ma’am, it’s in the bag with the rolls of fabric he ordered.”

“Lovely. Well? I don’t have all day here. There’s a new show starting in two weeks, we have things to do.”

The District Attorney clapped a hand on Luke’s shoulder and said, “As you wish.”

Except there was no way in hell Abe was about to let these two leave on their terms. He wasn’t sure what came over him, whether it was the tone of Garroway’s voice or the sneer on the face of the assistant when he caught his eye, but Abe’s mouth always had a tendency of running away and leaving the rest of him to catch up.

“Hold on a second there,” Abe said, his hand already digging in a pocket of his great coat, past the rummage sale worth of odds and ends that he found useful on the job until he came across something he picked up special for dealing with cases like this one. “I want those hands where I can see them.”

The District Attorney tensed at the sight of the silver handcuffs he pulled out of his pocket with a flourish, but before they could say anything, he had already slapped them on the wrists of the assistant.

Luke immediately screamed and dropped to the floor, his body curling in on the cuffs.

“Get those off!” Garroway screamed, almost matching the noise coming from the young man. She grabbed the collar of the stunned District Attorney and shook them when they failed to move. “Get them off him, right now!”

“Stop thrashing,” Abe growled, already trying to use his key to unlock the cuffs but struggling to get it in the lock. “I said, DON’T MOVE!”

The second the cuffs were off, Luke had both hands buried against his chest under his shaking arms and he sat there rocking back and forth on the ground, tears still streaming from his eyes.

“What did you do to him?” Garroway asked, her voice low and accusing as she moved between the two of them. “What was that?”

“Just silver,” Abe said, holding the handcuffs up for inspection. “Partner, call this in. We’re going to need more than just the two of us to bring him in.”

“I don’t…” The District Attorney stared at Luke and the hand cuffs, their expression confused.

“Did you hear me? Call the station or I’ll do it!” Abe didn’t mean for the command to come out as harsh as it did, or expect them to flinch away when he moved closer.

This wasn’t what he expected either, and as he went to the phone he could hear Garroway’s voice speaking to the District Attorney, the disbelief and condescension in her tone at the very hint of the accusation.

“You know this isn’t right, Y/N,” he could hear her say as he waited to be taken off hold long enough to explain what was going on. “I’ve known Luke for years, he’s not some monster. But of course, he would find a werewolf just when it suits him. There’s no way Luke could have been involved in the murders, we have dozens of witnesses who will stand for him while you waste your time with this hunter.”

“…We have to check every lead, Ms. Garroway. I’m sure you will still be willing to accompany Luke to the station?”

“And after that to the press,” she said, but Abe couldn’t hear the rest of her words, only the biting tone as he told the officers what to bring.

Luke showed no signs of resisting when the dozen officers arrived and walked him out, but that was no guarantee he wouldn’t try something halfway to the station. Abe watched them walk him out to the vehicle with Garroway walking in step and evidently ready to ride in the back with him, yammering all the way about wanting to make sure nothing happened to her assistant like he wasn’t the most dangerous thing in this vehicle.

Halfway down the steps, the District Attorney stopped short, letting the rest of the group go ahead.

“You okay there?” Abe asked when he noticed they weren’t following. “Come on, you should be there for the questioning.”

“Something about this doesn’t feel right,” they said softly.

“Look, he wasn’t on our radar. It happens. But working for Garroway would explain how he knew the other victims, and he could have used her connections and said whatever he needed to get into each of the houses.”

“But why? What’s the motive?” they asked.

“What motive? He’s a werewolf, that’s all the motivation he needs!”

Yeah, he probably shouldn’t have shouted that in the middle of the street. Every single officer there shot him a dirty look while the whispers started in the crowd already gathered to watch the spectacle, but none of them gave him the stare that the District Attorney did before they turned to one of the officers in charge and began asking him about Franklin and sending a guard detail to the hospital to keep an eye on him.

“Y/N,” Abe said, and when they ignored him, “Partner, I—”

“Not your partner,” they interrupted, turning on him in an instant once the officer agreed. “You go with them, question Luke and Garroway, see what you can get out of them. I’m going to stay here and see what I can find, compare everything back at my office to see what we missed. Because we’ve missed something, Abe, and I want to know what that is before this goes any farther.”

“…Sure,” Abe said, biting back what he wanted to say. He understood the DA’s frustration, the need for all the little pieces to fit together nice and neat even if he didn’t agree with it. They would see soon enough that the case was over. They could all go home, once the wolf was taken care of.

((Thank you for reading!

Here’s the link to Part 7.

Tagging: @silver-owl413 @skyewardlight @withjust-a-bite @blackaquokat @catgirlwarrior @neverisadork @luna1350 @oh-so-creepy @purpstraw @weirdfoxalley @95fangirl @lilalovesinternet-l @thepoolofthedead @a-bit-dapper @randomartdudette @geekymushroom @cactipresident @hotcocoachia @purple-anxiety-blog @shyinspiredartist @avispate ))

🕯Ouija/Spirit Board Tips & Safety🕯

Ouija and spirit boards are popular tools both inside and outside the Witch and Pagan Community, as many of y'all already know. They're often the subject of controversy with the taboo of contacting spirits, the bad experiences people tell of online at our fingertips, and Hollywood making Ouija boards to blame for numerous situations gone awry. But how do we really use that in practice? What's the protocol here? I've taken the time to compile all the information I could from using Ouija boards and spirit boards over the years so that hopefully this will help younglings looking to contact spirits and to help those who are already skilled in it brush up on things they may have forgotten. (Remember, I'm not trying to force you to do these. They're more guidelines or suggestions.)

👁My first tip isn't a necessity, but I highly recommend it, and that is to make your own board and planchette. And no, I don't mean use some cardstock and some fake calligraphy on it. I'm being serious, talking to Spirits is serious business and shouldn't be taken lightly. The only time I've ever used anything other than wood is when I was practicing new Ouija designs comma and even then I used a real stretched canvas and paints that were only made with natural dyes. Use wood for your spirit boards it's optimal. I suggest wood from a type of tree that grows local to your location, so you may have to do a bit of researching.

👁My second tip for you is to make sure to cleanse your board both before and after using it. if that means taking cleansing supplies around with yourself and your bored two different locations where you plan to use it, so be it! There are several methods to Cleansing items; such as burning an incense such as sage and running the object through the smoke.

👁Tip number three is to go into your spirit board sessions with positive vibes and good intent. The spirits know if your motives are true or false, and they know if you're lying, so don't even bother with any of that nonsense.

👁Number four is to ensure that you are in a quiet, peaceful, and at least semi-private location, so that you stay in a calm state and remain focused on your intention and questions.

👁My fifth tip is to make sure your questions and / or statements are short and to the point, especially if you don't know the spirit you are currently talking to, or if you're new to using Spirit boards in general. Spirits often prefer to give simple replies because the board is limited, so try not to over-complicate things.

👁Another tip for speaking with the spirit is to never make big demands, such as saying "move something!", "speak to me/us.", or "prove you're here/real!". For starters, this can anger the spirit. Not only that, it can invite a malevolent spirit that you were merely speaking to into to your home or wherever you're using the board at, or even worse it could invite the spirit in question out so that it can invite itself into your body, or someone you know. The last thing you want is a possession on your hands.

👁Tip number seven is to never expect a spirit to communicate with you on your first, or even second try. One must remember the Ouija boards or advertised as a game, meaning people think that it's easier than it actually is. It's really not. It's a skill that has to be learned and built up, and needs to be taken seriously.

👁This next to tip should be obvious but I'm going to throw it out here anyway. Don't use the board if you are super sick or extremely fatigued or tired compared to your normal state. Most likely your session simply won't work, but you run the risk of meeting a malevolent spirit and if you're sick or tired you can become susceptible to that.

👁Another tip is one that personally I find a bit controversial, and of course I'll tell you why in a moment. But that is the tip of not using substances that can impair your judgment beforehand. What I mean by this is drugs or alcohol. They can make you susceptible to mistakes, bad experiences, malevolent spirits, and a harder time using board successfully in the future.

The reason why I believe that this is controversial is I myself am a practicing classical shaman. One thing that shamans do as a part of their spirituality is speaking with spirits, and something that many Shamans also do, for one reason or another in practice, is altering their own mind mind-state through the use of hallucinogens or other drugs, and sometimes alcohol. Someone who's called to be a shaman but never practiced should never use substances before hand,because shamans have to go through many trials and tribulations before they are skilled enough. One can't simply decide to become a shaman in order to find the loophole of using drugs and alcohol before speaking with Spirits either, one must be chosen as a shaman, and that's something that another human doesn't do for you either. It's all very very spiritual. Aside from those infected myself, I would stick to the tip of not doing so.

👁My last tip, and suitably so, is to always remember your closing. By that I mean always say goodbye, or whatever it is you're board says in order to end the session. It's very important not to leave that path open. Neglecting to close it leaves away open forced Ray spirits to come through, not all of them being friendly.

🙏Well, that was my collections of tips and safety procedures, hopefully you found this useful and informative! I enjoyed writing it, and I've been working on it for quite some time. Actually since the day I joined! I've read all the articles I could find here on the app and also and books and on the internet, and I think I've got a good list here. I have personally used spirit board since I was 17 years old, and since then have only grown stronger in my abilities. Always remember that it doesn't always work, and just because it doesn't work for you the first few times doesn't mean that it isn't possible!🙏

The One Where Sarah Goes Sober

Hi guys! Sarah here. This is my first official solo post on the blog. Given that it was my week to post and also the week I hit 90 days alcohol-free, I figured I’d write about that! 

Also, this title is definitely supposed to be a “Friends” reference. I’m currently attempting to convince Cassie that this should be our thing and I’m only half kidding. 

Last Summer, I read an intriguing Instagram post. It's pretty hippie-dippie, so stick with me through this part. @rawforhealth posted on Instagram a picture of a bubbly glass of some sort of alcohol with a caption on alcohol's spiritual effects - to sum up her post, here is the excerpt that really hit me: "In the words of writer and health enthusiast, #JasonChristoff – ‘In alchemy, alcohol is used to extract the soul essence of an entity. Hence its use in extracting essences for essential oils, and the sterilization of medical instruments. By consuming alcohol into the body, it in effect extracts the very essence of the soul, allowing the body to be more susceptible to neighboring entities most of which are of low frequencies (why do you think we call certain alcoholic beverages “SPIRITS?”). That is why people who consume excessive amounts of alcohol often blackout, not remembering what happened. This happens when the good soul (we were sent here with) leaves because the living conditions are too polluted and too traumatic to tolerate. The good soul jettisons the body, staying connected to a tether, and a dark entity takes the body for a joy ride around the block, often in a hedonistic and self-serving illogical rampage. Our bodies are cars for spirits. If one leaves, another can take the car for a ride. Essentially when someone goes dark after drinking alcohol or polluting themselves in many other ways, their body often becomes possessed by another entity.’”

I read it approximately 2 months after turning 21 and a little over a year since I'd gotten a fake ID that I used without restraint, to say the least. I've never had a drinking problem. Truly. I justified my drinking easily. I was a grown adult. I'd been paying my own rent for years, so clearly that justified some wine in the bathtub. Hell, maybe the whole bottle in the bathtub. My job is stressful. I work in social work. The end of hard days is often met with co-workers exclaiming "you deserve a drink tonight!" I was in college, this is what I was supposed to be doing. I was frustrated when I would go out to eat and they didn't have a full bar. Turning 21 was the permission slip I needed to order alcohol everywhere we went. Reading this Instagram post was the first time the idea of stopping drinking occurred to me. I quickly fell back on the excuse that I didn’t have a problem and forced the idea out of my head.

Sometime later, I stopped being able to handle my alcohol. Completely. I'd been off medications for several months, and to this day I wonder if the tolerances I'd built up while on anti-depressants (WHY was I drinking while on anti-depressants. Why, why, why former Sarah??) didn't quite translate. Even after a glass of wine, I would wake up incredibly anxious. Friends always teased me for "looking at a glass of wine and getting drunk”, my tolerance was so low. But this was terrible. I would wake up so anxious I'd cancel plans. Every night I drank ended in extreme nausea. But yet, I continued.

Around this time, a LOT of people entered my life who were abstaining from drinking. Some from a place of addiction, some from a place of mental health care, some from a place of physical health care, some from a place of spiritual care. I knew this was the Universe sending me a sign (or multiple signs - over and over). But I pushed it away, terrified of giving up this societal norm - the social lubricant that relaxed my anxious brain. I drank on first dates to ease my nerves, I drank to cope, I drank to celebrate, I drank when it was girl's night, I drank at the movies, I drank, I drank, I drank. Not inherently excessively, but too much for me.

Then I started yoga teacher training. During one of our first required readings, a Brené Brown book, she spoke of numbing. Of all the ways we as humans numb. She cited an example as simple as a man at work who could not stay off of social media - to the point he got fired. We as humans can numb so many ways - there are the commonly known ones: drugs, sex, alcohol, self-harm. There are the more socially acceptable ones: exercise, eating, social media, etc. As Brené Brown so wisely explains, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

Well, fuck.

As someone who spends A LOT of money and time managing my anxiety as naturally as possible, why was I still choosing alcohol? Why was I choosing numbing over feeling? Why was I preaching movement, vulnerability, stepping into the light, paying a lot of money, energy, and time to become a yoga teacher only to go home and numb with something that quite literally poisons my body? So I toyed with the idea of sobriety. I mentioned it to a few friends. I told myself I'd drink in moderation. Then shit went down in my life and I drank. I went to a wedding, got anxious and a little sad, and drank.

Here's a pretty important thing about me: I need accountability and no grey areas. I was never going to stop drinking by jokingly muttering the idea to my best friend in the middle of TJMaxx and then half-laughing it off. I was never going to stop drinking if I allowed myself any leeway.

So I continued toying. Then, last minute, in the bathroom of a wedding, at least three double vodka crans in, I texted our lead teacher for yoga teacher training. I changed my heart song to "Weak" by AJR. Then, I told my entire YTT cohort that I was not going to drink. And I haven't. For 90 days as of today - September 26th, 2019.

I struggle to talk about this. It's very very very important to me that I never make sobriety seem like a flippant or easy thing. I recognize and am grateful for the fact that I never had a "rock bottom" or was addicted. Going sober was a long decision, but ultimately, an easy one for me. I don’t know that I will never drink again. But I do know that going cold turkey was absolutely what I personally needed and that I am now better able to evaluate my true motives for drinking if I do decide to in the future. And let me be clear: I don’t think that everyone needs to be sober. I do think that as a society, we accept alcohol as such the norm and it’s important to recognize motivations, making saying “no” acceptable, and be honest with ourselves.

1/2 Peachy I would love your opinion on a post I came across. Spoiler warning.... The post goes over Armin's crying scene, they say that Armin was actually moved my Yelena's words and how Armin has changed for the worst over the years. How he just wants to sit and talk etc...ah I wish I could link u the post on this. It's in the Armin tag and it's a recent post. I would love your feed back on that. I'm just kinda paranoid and worried for Armin, I could see him actually being moved by those words

2/2 to find the post the title is “Armin was pretending to fool yellena”?“ I kinda worry for him, I seen a lot of theories that he’s faking it or that his emotions were real but what came out of his mouth was a lie. I also saw your post that another Anon asked over Armin’s crying and that could also be it. Reading your post I kinda got reminded of how Armin has lied to Bert on Annie and also lied to the female Titan of crushing his best friend to distract her.

Hi, anon. I’m sorry; I really wanted to write a thorough meta for this, but I simply don’t have the time. I got this on my way to work yesterday evening, and today will consist of packing until I’m picked up to head to the family cabin (no net there; only on phone). I’ll be staying there till the 22nd of April, and I’ll be busy until the 25th. I would have saved the asks and replied once I’m back, had the topic not had a, probably, short expiration date. Meaning, I assume you’ve probably either landed on something, or there’s just a few days until a new chapter might give further answers, by the time I can actually get to it. However, if, at the end of April, you still wonder, feel free to ask me again about this topic. You’re right, I already gave a general reply, and I’ll give another. If I write another, deeper diving meta about this, it will only be to build up under the thoughts and arguments I have already given. Because, short answer to all of this is: I believe Armin is faking it, in hopes of getting an upper hand out of it. Armin has faked stuff and played on emotions like this before. He lied about Annie to reach Bert (and Reiner’s) emotions twice, he played on Eren’s trust in him during the Return arc - so that Eren wouldn’t catch on to his plan of self-sacrifice (if you don’t remember, Armin knew Eren wouldn’t go along with the plan if he told him the planned endgame, so the moment Eren started to ask himself what Armin was getting at, Armin pulls the “I’ll back out before I get too hurt, I promise; would I ever lie to you?”), he withheld the planned endgame from Jean and Mikasa for the same reason (aka, he knew their emotions could get in the way of them allowing him to sacrifice himself), he woke Eren twice from titan from by appealing to their dream (emotions) - the second time even when he thought he wouldn’t see it (read: he thought to himself “if this plan works, I’ll probably never see the ocean”, and then stabs Eren in the neck and says “Eren, wake up, we’re going to see the ocean”; lied). He also sweet-talked Annie into helping him, by talking about good vs bad people, and how she’d be a bad person to him if she didn’t help him - because we’re all human, and we have an instinctual need to be liked by others (especially if we like or respect the person in question, which Annie did). Armin also lied about his best friend been crushed under her foot, to (among other things) save Jean’s life; by faking his emotional distress over seeing his friend dead - as in, using emotional manipulation. 

My point is, Armin understands people’s emotions very well, he analyses situations well. He knows how to use that to his advantage. If he is faking it with Yelena, it would not only be “in character”, it would be textbook Armin. Even more textbook Armin, than him being generally moved to tears by words. I haven’t looked into what exactly it is Yelena says yet, but by word of mouth, she talks about their work being remembered past their own deaths (among other things). Armin doesn’t want/need to be remembered. You have to think about what his goals and desires are. He doesn’t want bloodshed. He would want every single person to live, if there was a way for it. Even if what they do gets remembered for centuries, do you think he’d be happy if what they did, was to commit genocide? 

Again, I don’t know Yelena’s stance in detail, nor her words to Armin, but I know their positions pre-116: opposite sides. Words will not sway Armin from one to the other. He has an analytical mind, and he has thought about both sides already, from many angles, I am sure. He has picked the side he morally believes in. And because he has thought about it thoroughly, I doubt that simply phrasing the (in his mind) “wrong side” in a certain way, will suddenly convince him to agree with it. If people, words or emotional appeal would convince him, don’t you think his best friend would have been able to get him on board these past 4 years? Armin and Eren are torn because their morals have garnered considerable distance to one another (or so it seems), and Armin will rather uphold his morals than break bread with someone over a treasured friendship (and before anyone goes after Armin for that, remember it takes two to tango; the exact same could be said about Eren).

What more, think about the story aspect of this. Firstly, what was the point of the scene? What was the point of showing Armin getting on Yelena’s good side? Either it’s to show Armin’s development into being a Zeke-follower - but if that isn’t it (which I don’t believe), then the point was that Armin having Yelena around his little finger, will become an asset to him later. He can use it to influence her choices/actions, to free his friends, etc. Where would the story take him, if Isayama makes Armin suddenly side with Yelena? It looks like a dead end to me, especially this late in the game. What will happen next, if Armin goes over to Yelena/Zeke’s side? Eren is gonna throw Zeke a curveball, which means the parties will split into three (if not more). This would leave Armin (still) opposite to Eren, but also opposite to Mikasa. Which would make it finally easy(er) for Mikasa to go against Armin over Eren. And after Mikasa reluctantly sides with Eren to take down Armin, who becomes a side of his own, then what…? We return to Eren vs SC, just like before? A dead-end loop. Of course, there’s a lot of room here, and I honestly won’t pretend to know what the future of this story holds. I will, however, trust my knowledge of Armin enough to say I highly doubt that Armin is being moved to tears over some fanatic’s words. It’s all about motivation here. I already mentioned it, but that’s because it’s such an important thing to look at. You cry when something resonates with you. What about Yelena’s words, would resonate with Armin’s ultimate goals? 

… Because his goals are the same today, as they’ve always been: as much peace as possible, for the smallest price possible. I’m still eager to hear him talk about his dream (ocean, northern lights, etc.) again, just to see where his stance is on that now (it’s the only part of him I won’t confidently guess at), but that’s somewhat irrelevant right now. The point I’m trying to get to is this: Armin hasn’t changed for the worse. He hasn’t changed at all. What has changed, is Eren’s opinion on Armin and his ideals. Before, Eren admired him, now he’s impatient with him. I don’t think I heard anyone talking about Armin’s morals changed, before Eren brought it up at the round table. Because Armin hasn’t changed; what Eren said, he said (either) because he’s convinced himself of it, and (or) because he wanted Armin to start doubting his own mind/motivations. Armin’s strength is his mind, and as long as he thinks he can trust his own judgement, he will be solidly in place (as he has been for 4 years). Topple that confidence, and he might finally, possibly be susceptible to manipulation. That would be to Eren’s great benefit. I think that’s part of why he said it. But he’s wrong either way. And I think that went over parts of the fandom’s heads. 

Because whether Armin has Bertolt’s memories or not, he is still himself. If all the shifters were just an empty shell of the shifter that came before them, then Bertolt wasn’t himself either; he would in turn have been the shell of the previous one, who was a shell of the one before him, etc. Even with shifter influence, that function only works, if it’s at most partial (except for, possibly, exceptions under special circumstances that Armin don’t meet). Look at all the shifters; there is enough evidence to say with certainty, that they are to some degree their own person, with wishes and feelings connected specifically to them. Things from previous people might be added, but not everything from the pre-shifter holder is taken away. Just look at the BRA chemistry: Reiner and Bertolt are friends, and Annie is going “meh” on the sideline. Fat chance the original colossal, armored and female had the exact same dynamic as the BRA trio had pre-shifters, yet they are the same trio before and after becoming shifters.

Armin has tried to talk things out with the enemy before. He tried to talk to Bertolt in the return arc, he tried to talk to Bert and Reiner when they were running away. He generally wants to understand the enemy, and for them to in turn understand him. He believes that if they can find common understanding, they can find common ground. Him wanting to build bridges with the other countries has nothing to do with Bertolt’s memories, and it is not something he “wouldn’t have wanted before”. Remember how upset he was when he shot the MP lady? She was an enemy, but he was still so distraught he puked and cried his heart out. Remember in the return arc when they blew Reiner to bits (one of several times, lol)? Armin looks at him, tears in eyes, and expresses that he is heartbroken that it had to come to that because there was no room for talking. He explicitly mentions how he regrets that they weren’t able to talk it out. Armin Arlert has always wanted to pursue the most peaceful solutions! This is not new! And I was going to dedicate a large chunk on my meta just for this, but sadly, I don’t have the time. I have talked about this many, many times; talked about how he’s not a pacifist, as some claim he is, because he is not - but that he, instead, feels like they have a duty to make sure the violent option they choose, is still the least violent option. He would let a thousand men die if it meant saving the rest of the world. But not before he is confident that there isn’t a way to sacrifice only a hundred for the same outcome! 

1. Zeke and Yelena’s plan is to kill probably several thousands, to save the rest of the world. Armin thinks they can save the world by sacrificing considerably less than several thousands. That is why, no matter how pretty Yelena makes it sound, her plan will never move Armin to tears. 

2. Armin’s morals have not changed; he’s always wanted to save as many people as possible and to get as far as he can with communication. His first line in this damn story is about how if you abandon arguments and resort to violence instead, it means you’re in the wrong. 

3. … Yet he’s not a pacifist. When there is no other solution, he will restore to violence. Eren forced his hand with Marley, and what did Armin do? He didn’t stand passively by; he did the only thing that was left to do to proceed: blow up the harbor. When Jean was about to get shot, what did he do? He shot that MP in the face. He doesn’t like violence, and he wants to avoid it as much as possible, but he recognizes that if communication doesn’t get you all the way, violence will cover the rest. However, he feels that they all have a duty to exhaust all possibilities before turning to violence (”the end justifies the means - if you were mindful of the means”). That is why he and Eren now differs: Armin feels that Eren is no longer attempting to look for less horrific means, and instead going for the first thing plan that comes to mind. And it’s making Armin question his morals; if Eren truly cared about everyone, would he not also - just like Armin - desire to spend at least some time to think and analyze, and test the waters of less horrific plans? Eren, on the other hand, seems to feel pressed for time, and has no patience for Armin’s “lingering”, and thus grows angry and refuses to put himself in Armin’s shoes to try and understand why he “lingers” against the enemy. Pick what side you want, but Eren is wrong in the way he sees Armin. And the fandom should realize this and not so readily take his reprimand of Armin as facts. Armin has not changed. … but I know I’m seen as biased in Armin’s favor, just like that post you read sounds to be biased against him. And since I have no time, I’d encourage you to seek out @momtaku; she’s given good, believable, objective analysis of Armin before and I trust her to treat him fairly. She writes metas a lot more than I do these days, so - though with fear of sending too much work her way - I’d suggest you ask her what she makes of the scene. Either way, that’s enough of my rambling. I hope that no matter what, anon, you are able to de-stress somehow. SNK makes me worry a whole lot too, but Armin stepping away from his greatest strength (good judgement) at the last hour, is not one of those worries.  

(PS: I didn’t read that post you talked about, I don’t have the time, but if there is a fair point in it that I don’t cover, feel free to ask me about that part specifically. Also, had I read it, I would have sourced it and tagged the author so that there is no shade). 

Riverdale 3.07 Thoughts *Spoilers*

- Who the fuck would think that Archie and Jughead were brothers? Lmao sweetie no... (side note my niece thinks that Sweet Pea and Jughead look alike and she constantly gets them mixed up and it’s annoying because they’re so different and my baby Sweet Pea could never)

- Saw the voicemail yesterday and sit still bland as fuck. Like, Riverdale still hasn’t convinced me that Jughead and Betty TRULY love each other and then you have a boyfriend calling his girlfriend (who somehow doesn’t realize that his cling ass, co-dependent ass girlfriend isn’t answering his calls, which he knows she would never do to him, and that she’s in trouble. But whatever I’m just glad they’re not currently together because that means this episode has a CHANCE to be good... even though my faves aren’t in it) JUGHEAD WHERE’S THE LOVE AND THE FEELINGS AND THE EMOTION IN YOUR VOICE? LIKE, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE DOING THIS OUT OF OBLIGATION.

- Archie wanting to send Jughead back just so Betty actually has someone on her side. We love Betty’s future husband and best friend, who cares about her so fucking much!

- “Betty took down a serial killer”? Last I remember she was helping her father clean up his mess but alright. Sure, they got him arrested but that was mostly because he threatened her and Alice (still not entirely sure why though)

- “You can’t go five minutes without getting the crap kicked out of you,” uh yeah the same can go for you, too, Jughead. Penny literally almost killed you. Honestly, I kind of wish they went through with it because I would love to see how different things would be. They could have made the next episode like a dream to Archie or Betty (preferably Archie) not only to trick us fans into thinking it’s real, that he’s really dead, but also it would be interesting to see what would happen.

- So you just come across this convenient random ass farm... and you decide to stay there? I find that so weird but alright Archie you do you

- LAURIE LAKE IS SO FUCKING ATTRACTIVE. FUCK.

- Wow a time where I actually agree with Jughead? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME RAS STOP

- Jughead’s concerned for Archie... but leaves anyways for... pictures? Nvm Jughead’s still a crackhead lmao Like obvious he finds the symbols but STILL. YOU LEFT YOUR SUSCEPTIBLE BEST FRIEND WITH THOSE ODD WOMEN

- Honestly, farm life would really fit Archie but THIS KISS AIN’T IT BITCH. For a second I thought they were going to have her try and pull another Joaquin. OH GOOD HE MENTIONS VERONICA. But you’re not supposed to tell her your shit, Arch... ARCHIE YOU’RE TALKING TO HER LIKE SHE’S AN OLD FRIEND AND YOU’RE CATCHING UP. STOP.

- Now that I think about it thought, Jughead being off on his own like he used to and is supposed to, it’s really fucking great. I also miss photographer!Jughead (and Toni but she’s lost all personality since getting with Cheryl and i’m PISSED about that)

- Poor Archie, he can’t catch a break, can he? Thanks for bashing him on the side of the head, crackhead

- ARCHIE NO YOU RAN AWAY FROM RIVERDALE FROM HIM SPECIFICALLY. THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Although, it’s surprising that Jughead suddenly has good ideas because when it comes to the Serpents he would just rather possibly get someone killed/or do something so horrendously stupid that if he died he would definitely deserve it (skinning Penny’s tattoo off)

- So all of a sudden you realize that you can’t hide from Hiram? Really bitch?

- JUGHEAD MENTIONING VERONICA MY JERONICA HEART BITCH

- Oh is Veronica FINALLY leaving like she has in literally all of my stories? I would have figured she would have left right after Archie was placed in jail and went to live with Fred (or took refuge in Pop’s) to keep him company and also give her a place to stay because we all know he would. But i’ll take this, too. Fucking finally

- How can you not like Veronica Lodge, the queen of being the most caring (other than Archie) and supportive woman in Riverdale?

- BITCH MY FANFIC IS COMING TO LIFE. Although I would have thought she’d sleep in her office because I figured she’d get one but this still works!!! Now Jughead just has to come in and find her, then take her in. Obviously that won’t happen but it does in my stories so whatever

- WE LOVE A DEDICATED WOMAN.

- REGGIE!! I love how he’s being her shoulder to lean on I am HERE for Veggie! And it’s cool and all that a Bulldog and Serpent are playing G&G together (even though they’re playing G&G) but who the fuck is this Serpent? I wanna know!!! I love me some Serpents. I still want to know who was in the background in the scene when Jughead and the Serpents go to rescue Betty from Chic’s criminal people who wanted money. But I know we’ll never get that luxury (or even a name drop) despite the Serpents being the best thing on this show besides Choni and Swangs

- So... it’s Reggie who suggests going a bit criminal? At least it wasn’t Veronica because she turned down the casino offer but since it’s Reggie it at least makes sense for him to do so. BUT ALSO VEGGIE YES BITCH WE’RE HERE FOR IT. Oh thank god it’s only for a night...

- If anything happens to Pop’s imma fight. Also how convenient that after Veronica and Elio talk about their illegal activities in front of the portrait she has of herself thanks to Hiram, he shows up. I’m sure it’s about Hermione being worried for her but still.. s u s p i c i o u s.

- Hiram does have a point about her always talking about wanting a legitimate business but now doing the gambling thing, but when people are desperate, they do desperate things so she’s let off of the hook (also because this storyline is a million times more interesting than anything involving Betty or Bughead)

- HA. HIRAM BEING AN ALLY. That’s funny. That’s like Betty being a good person and a good detective it’s not gonna happen

- But you’re telling me that NO ONE else could show up? Not Kevin, Sweet Pea, Fangs, Cheryl, Toni... not even in Veronica’s? I mean, not even shown fucking around with cards in the background? Or maybe Sweet Pea and Fangs standing guard? Honestly fuck you Roberto, the only reason this storyline is good is because it has Veronica and Reggie, and doesn’t involve Betty or Bughead in ANY way. That guy who gave Veronica her favorite drink? THAT COULD HAVE BEEN TONI. IT COULD HAVE BEEN A FUN MOMENT BUT YOU TOOK THAT AWAY FROM US. It’s like RAS knows what would actually be good for us and the show... and then just completely ignores it, then wonders why we’re all annoyed and angry with him.

- REGGIE “Want me to rough him up? Throw him out” I’D LOVE THAT SWEETIE BUT ALSO HE’S THE ONE WHO MADE ALL OF THIS HAPPEN (with V of course) YOU CAN’T KICK HIM OUT OR THERE’LL BE EXTREME CONSEQUENCES

- WE LOVE THE TRUE QUEEN OF RIVERDALE

- I’m still angry that no one else is in this. Like... seriously. I’m very pissed about it and you can tell because i’m bringing it up AGAIN. So much lost potential.

- WE LOVE A GAMBLING QUEEN, VERONICA LODGE, AND HER PROTECTIVE BOYFRIEND/BODYGUARD/BARTENDER REGGIE MANTLE. HE FUCKING CALLED HER V OH MY GOD I’M- THE WAY HE LOOKS AT HER. STOP. THEY’RE SO IN LOVE and it helps because they’re dating in real life. DON’T COME AT ME FOR NOT THINKING THE SAME WITH THE OTHER COUPLE WHO I’M NOT NAMING LMAO

- LOOK AT REGGIE SO FUCKING ENAMORED WITH HER. UGH FUCK ME UP. BOTH VEGGIE AND CHARMILA

- Pop! :((( He’s so pure and innocent. I’m surprised RAS hasn’t tried to fuck that up, honestly. But he does have a point, Veronica should and CAN NOT veer towards the criminal direction of her father or else all of her character development will go down the drain for nothing. And I don’t want that because she’s one of the greatest characters on this show!

- VERONICA DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY YOUR FATHER WASN’T ALL THAT BAD? He gave you inside intel about Elio and suddenly him destroying Archie’s, and your life, just... goes away? He literally is ruining Riverdale. THIS IS SO OUT OF CHARACTER STOP IT RAS QUEEN RONNIE WOULD NEVER. Season one V, maybe, but not season 3. Definitely NOT season 3 Veronica

- Oh Goody... now onto Betty. This should be boring and full of shit

- Elementary? IT’S SO WEIRD HEARING THAT BECAUSE I SAY IT LIKE ELEMENTRY but also this voiceover stuff is funny I gotta admit. But this is how Betty normally acts... except she says her stupid shit to people’s faces instead. She acts all fake and nice and sweet but we know she’s anything but. Thanks for highlighting that in this, RAS.

- LMAO BETTY SAYING “THANK YOU SO MUCH” WAS SO WEIRD BECAUSE THAT’S SO NOT BETTY.

- ETHEL WE BEEN KNEW JUGHEAD ISN’T INTO BETTY. “THIS PSYCHO BITCH” is basically Lili when someone points out that Bughead is toxic

- JUGHEAD ACTUALLY TOLD BETTY? It’s so weird... like I know it’s always Betty who lies and shit but imagine that conversation “hey betty ethel and I kissed for the game and it actually wasn’t that bad...”

- Ethel, Betty acts like she’s better than everyone because she knows shes’ not.

- For an investigator, Betty.. you’re really slow. Also “bite me” is ALICE’S THING NOT YOURS SO STOP YOU’RE NOT EVER GOING TO BE HER.

- For Betty i’m surprised she didn’t go into the room after the girl screamed because Betty, like Jughead, is stupidly impulsive.

- “Real friends don’t kiss each other’s boyfriends” she really calling herself out isn’t she. BETTY... THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID. TO VERONICA. But I mean you guys shouldn’t be friends in the first place, you don’t deserve Veronica. She never should have gone ooc and apologized to you for NOTHING

- WOW THE WRITERS ARE LITERALLY FUCKING SHADING US WITH ETHELHEAD. I mean obviously it was a joke in the first place but hey at least we get to see Betty’s real bitch side. You know, the normal, annoying ass Betty that somehow everyone seems to think is so cool and feminist when she’s the opposite of that?

- SO RAS HAD THE OPPORTUNITY FOR ETHEL TO FUCKING PUNCH BETTY AND HE DIDN’T TAKE IT? I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE BETTY ACTUALLY FACE CONSEQUENCES. Besides we know that Ethel is compulsive and stupid as well (milkshake for Veronica)

- So... you’re not going to check the rest of your file just in case? And does she really think they wouldn’t have checked the place after Cheryl escaped? Betty’s fucked. RAS would never let an opportunity to make Betty miserable so she can be rescued go.

- “I was lost again.” Betty... this is why you’re not the Serpent queen. THEY’RE NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT SHIT AGAIN BETTY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

- I know I should feel bad for Betty... but honestly... I kinda don’t. I mean, I know she needed proof but why didn’t she get herself in trouble to see the GK? Now we’re going to be forced to watch more Bettydale and I don’t care for it! Give me the Serpent, Veronica, Archie... something that actually is more interesting. No one likes Betty constantly having to be saved because she COULD save herself but she makes stupid ass decisions.

- Also I’m so mad about the mistreatment of Ethel. Like, she was innocent and kinda nice I guess in season 1 and now she’s this fucking apprentice to the GK

- Ugh watch the GK somehow be Hal so that this has even MORE to do with Betty. Now she’s gonna be saved and then have an even larger ego and god complex and i’m just not fucking here for it.

All in all... the only interesting thing to happen, truly, was Archie and Jughead’s part. Veronica’s showed her normal, bad assery and i’m glad but it also is trying to demonize her and bring her back to “criminal daughter” who Betty will definitely act better than and show that she thinks she’s all that. I just... Betty Cooper and how she’s so high on this goddamn pedestal has ruined the show. The only reason i’m watching is for literally anybody else. Betty and Bughead need to fucking go if RAS wants people to start watching again. I get too invested into characters and I can’t leave but that’s not the case for others.

It’s like he sees everything we write, what we want, what we hate, and then he just... ignores it and figures out a way to make Betty even more insufferable. Honestly, I want to like Betty but right now I wouldn’t mind if she just fucking went crazy, got actual help, and had to stay off of the show for a season or two and force Jughead to realize how shitty they are together. I want the best for this show PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOBODY WANTS BUGHEAD. It’s all just to piss off other ship’s fans, to give them less shit while you focus on Bughead. PLEASE. STOP. 

Rio & Buster

Rio: This flight is long Rio: longer 'cos I don't wanna be on it 😒 Buster: Don't, I'm dreading flying back Rio: Can't stay there forever Rio: Unless you ask for that transfer too Rio: only fair Buster: We both could Rio: I really would have to buy my way in Rio: maybe my parents are susceptible to that kind of bribery, like you WANT me back in school, yeah Buster: You're forgetting I know how smart you are, babe Buster: They'd be lucky to have you, even though you're the most distracting Rio: 😏 Rio: Yeah, no way you'd be allowed when your grades mysteriously plummet Buster: Though I've just discovered that catching up on my work actually takes much less time if I ignore all the girls that are offering to help me right now Buster: So there's that Rio: Who'd have known, eh Rio: better than me, I don't even want to think about work or any of it yet Buster: I have to, 10 days is a long time, even though it didn't feel like long enough at all Rio: I know Rio: You'll do it though Buster: I've already done loads Buster: I started as soon as you left Rio: 🤓 Rio: but seriously Rio: well done, baby Buster: If I thought about you I knew I wouldn't be able to stop Buster: You were right when you said it'd be worse after Rio: I know that too Rio: feel that too Buster: At least if we were both thick we could pretend we ain't done the maths on how long it is Buster: The curse of perfection, like Rio: Truly Rio: we've both waited longer Rio: just gotta think how good waiting made it, yeah Buster: Yeah Buster: Not that I should be thinking about that at this exact moment Rio: Sorry Rio: having trouble thinking about anything else still Buster: Me too Rio: Headfuck Rio: nowhere near as fun Buster: Fun not being the word Rio: not even close to good enough but as I said Rio: preoccupied still Buster: You've got more privacy in first class than I do here right now Buster: Use it Rio: But Rio: you've spoilt me Rio: I want you Buster: But I wanna watch you Buster: I miss you Rio: You know how to break my resolve but what happened to yours Buster: I reckon I'm due a break Buster: You know I like to play as hard as I work Rio: Then let's play Buster: I'd play with you until you were begging me not to & the pilot had heard enough to risk crashing the plane Rio: You know I like danger Rio: but I'm feeling like begging for more, not less right now Buster: Go on then Buster: Convince me Rio: [pic on the floor 'cos that first-class legroom honey] Buster: Maybe you can have some more Rio: Only maybe Rio: okay, you need some more first too Rio: hold on Buster: Are you sure keeping me waiting is the best idea? Rio: It was that or give the poor air hostess a show she didn't ask for whilst she was topping up my drink Rio: [audio this time] Buster: She might have liked it Buster: You are good Rio: Would you? Rio: Enough marks I'm never forgetting who I belong to Buster: Is she hot? Rio: Yeah, pretty cute Buster: I'm not sharing you for 'pretty cute' Rio: Well I'm sure she's more your type than mine Buster: You're my type Buster: If you don't want her, I don't Rio: I want you Rio: no one else registers Buster: Good Buster: 'Cause I need you. Nobody else Rio: You've got me Rio: it's different this time in every way Rio: just 'cos I'm going, I'm not gone Rio: whenever you need me Buster: Wherever too, yeah? Rio: Of course Rio: even if I could say no to you, got no desire to Buster: Baby Rio: That stil gets me weak Rio: how the fuck Rio: I read that in your voice Buster: Everything I do makes you weak, that's why Rio: yeah Rio: good thing you can be strong enough for the both of us then Buster: Not sure the hotel staff would agree when we broke the bed but I'll hold you up same as I did then Buster: You don't ever need to touch the floor when you're with me, babe, unless that's where we both want you Rio: That was so awkward Rio: just means we get to go to a new and better hotel next time though so Buster: For somewhere so old school the future didn't have much staying power Rio: That Freudian slip really tell me how it be Rio: won't get used to these heights, don't worry 😉 Buster: 😂 Buster: When I've also been dyslexic all this time Rio: 😏 Nancy gonna be so pissed Rio: don't take her struggle and overcome it, babe Buster: If anyone could Buster: I'm definitely not gay though so Rio: Don't be tryna 💔 that hard Buster: I can't, I promised Rio: Yeah Rio: and lbr, I could turn ya Rio: if anyone could Buster: I don't want any other girls but you that's as close as ever got Rio: They don't deserve you Rio: and they can't do you like I can Buster: I meant it when I said you're the best thing that's ever happened to me Buster: You just keep making that more & more true, like Rio: don't plan on stopping any time soon, don't you worry Buster: Don't stop Rio: I won't if you don't Buster: That's not gonna happen Rio: then never Buster: Rio Rio: Buster Buster: I read that in your voice & I can't fucking handle it Rio: I've not said anything as much as I've said your name Buster: Don't stop that either Buster: I love the way you say it Rio: Keep giving me reason to Buster: Easy Rio: Would be right now Rio: this seat is so big we could share Buster: & Everyone wears headphones so there'd be no need to stay that quiet Buster: All we'd need is a blanket Rio: Complimentary, of course Buster: Just like me. I'd be so nice to you, baby Buster: The entire flight Rio: All the way home, daddy? Buster: Of course Buster: I'll let you recover in the cab while carry your bags in & then come back for you Rio: I want that Rio: it's going to be so shit when I get off this plane and you ain't waiting for me the other end Buster: I won't let it be Rio: I'll be fine Rio: just miss you Buster: I've sent you a surprise, it'll be waiting for you to compensate for the fact I can't be Rio: You're so fucking nice Buster: You haven't opened it yet 😈 Buster: There are loads of things to remind you of me Rio: then that's still really fucking nice, no matter how 😈 everything is bound to be Rio: I'm excited Buster: Show me when you unwrap everything Buster: I wanna see your face Rio: Okay baby Rio: Indie better not open it 😂 Buster: I thought of that so I sent it to your mum & dad's Rio: So smart Rio: although I will now have to bullshit my way through a fake holiday with them Rio: but could be vaguely entertaining Buster: Okay so I didn't think that hard ahead Buster: But you'll be fine Rio: Yeah Rio: lowkey a turn-on 'cos whilst I'm selling them the lie, get to think of what we were actually doing Rio: so don't worry, babe Buster: I feel that, so many people have asked me if I'm feeling better Buster: The yeah's not even a lie but Rio: 😏 Rio: The shit you shouldn't do is always the most fun, just facts Rio: secrets are fun too Buster: Yeah Buster: That's why the party's are so wild here 'cause the drinking age is ridiculous Rio: Init Rio: you ain't even meant to be fucking Rio: America and it's morality Buster: The coke is great though Rio: 😂 Buster: Well, now I wanna go out Rio: I'm sure everyone's missed you Buster: Obviously Rio: You said you've earnt a break Buster: I took that, I gotta do more before I get another Rio: Don't let me distract you then, babe Buster: But that's what you do best Buster: Don't let me stop you Rio: Gotta priortize Rio: how you wanna play Buster: With you Buster: There's no contest Rio: then don't get completely off your face when I'm stuck in the air Rio: can't get on that level Buster: No brandy, I hear you Rio: mhmm Rio: you dumb Buster: Behave Rio: Not if you aren't Rio: no fair Buster: I won't do anything you don't want me to Rio: You can go Rio: not a buzzkill Buster: You've already proved that, you don't need to now Rio: Sorry Rio: I just turned my data back on and instantly regretted it Rio: that's the real comedown Buster: Tell me Rio: It's mostly just the mundane shit Rio: but loads from him obviously Rio: 'cos I told him I was going, so he wouldn't show up when Indie was home alone or something Rio: but clearly he took that as 'I wanna talk again' Buster: He didn't & Indie's alright, yeah? Rio: Yeah, I've been messaging her on socials, she's fine Rio: why I turned my data off, he's blocked everywhere but texts so Buster: Then give me his number, I'd love to talk to him Rio: I can't, he probably knows who you are Rio: he knows everything it's bizarre Buster: He'll know exactly who I am when I'm done Rio: Hot Rio: seriously, forget about him Rio: ain't giving him the attention he wants Buster: That'd be fine by me if he wasn't giving you attention you don't want Rio: I can handle that Buster: I know but you shouldn't have to Rio: It'll quiet down soon Rio: we all got crazy exes, those of us that do repeats anyway Rio: he'll get a new girl and I can get on with my life without him in the background, like Buster: If you say so, babe Buster: I trust you Rio: Good Rio: don't worry Buster: Don't make me Rio: I won't Rio: promise Rio: least the rest have let themselves be ghosted with dignity so that's something Buster: That don't mean don't tell me, you know, before you promise Buster: Ignorance ain't bliss Rio: I'll tell you if I need to, yeah Rio: trust, no one needs this play by play Buster: If you need to for any reason, not just if you need me to sort it Rio: I promise, okay Buster: Okay Rio: So, what do you reckon, is anyone here got enough clout that they looked the other way when checking their bags for bags Rio: I'm bored Buster: Probably Buster: They only care about terrorists Rio: Tell that to Drew, let him know, like Buster: Not until I've gone though Buster: Cheers Rio: don't wanna hit him up to soon Rio: I ain't looking to have a stomach full of crack tah Buster: Fair Buster: When I say you can do anything, not what I mean Rio: Not my aspiration in life, gotta be said Buster: At least the ones you do have will keep you busy until I'm done here Rio: Then what Buster: Then I'll keep you busy all summer Rio: Mm, sounds like a plan Buster: It is, babe. It's my plan Rio: Um, OURS Rio: 'scuse you Buster: Alright, ours Rio: Always trying to claim the best ideas Buster: Hit me with your best right now Buster: I dare you Rio: Answer this call Buster: [does obvs] Rio: [put on that facetime show but try and be quiet please] Buster: [we know that ain't gonna happen but at least don't be as loud as you could be] Rio: [getting kicked off the plane is not goals lol] Buster: [at least he can afford to buy her another flight but still probably don't] Rio: [just thinking of that gifset lol] Buster: [god bless] Rio: see Rio: full of good ideas Buster: You really are Buster: Fuck Rio: don't doubt me again, yeah Buster: Sorry babe, but if it means you'll be that inspired, I might have to Rio: Alright Rio: I don't hate proving you wrong, I guess Buster: Behave, I wasn't wrong Rio: 🙄 Rio: admit it, I have the best ideas Buster: You have good ideas, I never said you didn't Rio: You implied it Rio: you're mean 😏 Buster: You're into it Rio: Only sometimes Rio: the rest you gotta treat me like 👑 Buster: You ain't gotta tell me how to treat you. I know Rio: Yeah Rio: you're good Rio: 😇 Buster: No, you are. It's that simple Buster: I wanna give you what you deserve Rio: You deserve that too Buster: As long as I keep making sure I deserve you that's all that matters Rio: stop making me weak Buster: You're all I want, you already know that Rio: but I feel stupid how much I want you right now Buster: Don't Buster: It's not stupid Rio: It's just Rio: what if it all goes wrong again Buster: I told you, I'm not gonna let that happen Rio: You know, that'd be worse this time too Rio: and I just don't want that Rio: so we can't Buster: We won't Buster: I need you, Rio Rio: I need you Buster: You can trust me Rio: Okay Rio: I don't know how this happened Rio: but I know we have to roll with it Rio: the alternative doesn't work Buster: Yeah Buster: & I know I ain't the same cunt I was before this Buster: I don't wanna go back Rio: Me either Rio: so we won't Rio: easy Buster: I really miss you though, that ain't Rio: Yeah Rio: I never wanted to leave Buster: I didn't want you to. I still don't Buster: Come back Rio: I'll turn this plane 'round Rio: hold on Buster: If anyone could, babe Rio: If we'd have got caught earlier, maybe Rio: but you'd have to talk them out of that no-fly list, probably Buster: We can always go again Buster: I've got you Rio: How are we ever gonna get anything done Rio: when we're so distracted Buster: You've distracted me since we were kids Buster: Things get done 'cause they have to, like Buster: We'd be your ex if we didn't, that's all the motivation you need Rio: who needs the books or inspirational speeches Rio: ugh Buster: We're gonna do epic shit, me & you Rio: You know it, babe Rio: what choice do we have Buster: There's always a choice but we're making the right ones. End of Rio: can make the wrong ones sometimes though Rio: just for fun, like Buster: Stop making it really fucking hot, I'm trying to motivate you Rio: 😋 Rio: please motivate me Buster: Jesus Buster: I actually want you constantly Rio: I know Rio: no matter how deep you go or hard or whatever it's never enough you're so Rio: I can't be close enough to you Buster: If anyone else said that to me I'd have lost my shit in the total opposite way to how I am now Buster: Do you know how fucking special you are to me? Can I ever explain, like Rio: 'Cos you feel it too Rio: you know exactly what I mean Rio: I just want you, in all aspects of my life Rio: nothing else is interesting to me now Buster: I feel emotional, shut up Rio: That's what I was saying Rio: weak Rio: idk, don't planes make some people emotional Buster: I'm not on a plane & I can't be weak Rio: Yeah you can Rio: who am I telling, and what Rio: you can be whatever you need with me Buster: Can I? Rio: Yeah Rio: of course Rio: I want you to Buster: I've just never Buster: Felt this, done this Buster: Any of it Rio: It's different from anything I've ever experienced too Rio: but you know Rio: I can be strong for you too Rio: I don't want you to think it's one way Rio: another stress Buster: I don't think that Buster: I know how strong you are Rio: Good Rio: you can trust me too, okay Buster: I do Rio: Ugh Rio: fuck Rio: I miss you Buster: Seriously, come back Buster: We got away with it, we can again Rio: I'll lose my job Rio: you'll lose all that cash Buster: I'll get you a new job Buster: When you want it Rio: 😏 how are you gonna do that then Buster: I live in Dublin too, I know people Rio: I thought you were motivating me Rio: not being a bad influence 😈 Buster: I'm motivating you get what you really want Buster: Me Rio: Baby Buster: Please Rio: You know it's exactly what I want too Rio: but we can't Buster: Nobody can stop us, except us, & why should we if that's not what we want Rio: 'cos you've gotta focus on school whilst you're there Rio: and I've got stuff here that I've gotta do too Buster: This school requires no focus, compared to the one back home it's like nursery Buster: I know you're worried about Indie but it ain't your job to raise her Rio: but someone has to Rio: you know he can't Rio: don't Buster: Let your parents then Buster: They want to Rio: They clearly have a great handle on the kids they have Rio: not like their 16 year old has just been...where, with who? Rio: it's not that simple Rio: never has been, sad but true Buster: Come on, that's different, we're not kids Rio: I wanna say yes but I don't wanna break a promise either Buster: I know, it's okay Buster: I'm not trying to put pressure on, like, I am but only 'cause you should be making choices for you Buster: Like you said, you're 16, we ain't kids but you ain't gotta live like you're 36 Buster: What about Drew's sister, can't she help? Rio: I can never just make choices for me though Rio: she's already upset I left, and all the other kids act like I ditched them becaused I moved out already Rio: like it or not, that's how it is for me Rio: she does, but Indie is Rio: hard to manage, like Buster: Forget I said anything Buster: It's only a couple of months now anyway Buster: I'm being unfair Rio: You aren't Rio: it is what I want Rio: and I want you to be happy too Rio: but we got some shit we just gotta do, yeah Buster: Yeah Buster: That's life Rio: Mhmm Rio: stupid real life Buster: It's a shame we can't bring Indie here, she'd love it, like Rio: Seriously Rio: she'd have no issue saying yes Buster: She might have an issue with me & you but who won't Rio: Well yeah Rio: that's a whole other subject Rio: she's easily distracted but probably not that much Buster: Even your little brothers ain't that out of it Rio: no, they ain't Rio: that's gonna be harder too now Rio: being around everyone Buster: Yeah Buster: It's fucked Rio: We can do it Rio: we'll have to but Buster: At least it's always been like that for me, I'm sorry I brought you there too with yours Rio: What do you mean Buster: Your fam love you & shit Buster: You know Rio: Yeah Rio: yours do too though Rio: not me, though sure, everyone does Buster: It's not the same Rio: no, true Rio: it's not like my family is idylic Rio: everyone's got their shit Buster: 'Course Rio: I'm saying, I was already there Rio: you ain't done anything, so don't need to apologize Buster: I've done loads to you over the last few days but sure Buster: Not sorry for any of that Rio: 😏 definitely don't be Rio: I'm not Rio: even if it is a shame I can't tell anyone just how good it was Buster: You can Buster: Just think up a new boyfriend that you just have to come back & see ASAP Rio: Okay Rio: but they ain't gonna KNOW the level 'cos they won't know it's you Rio: have to keep that my secret, like Buster: Secrets turn you on, there's no denying it Rio: You turn me on Rio: it's total coincidence Buster: Yeah? Rio: I mean, yeah, it's seriously hot 'cos you're off-limits but I think I'd still want you if you weren't Rio: don't you think? Buster: Obviously I would Buster: Look at you Rio: 😋 Rio: exactly Rio: just a bonus who you are Rio: don't see me trying to get on any of my other cousins like, ew Buster: You're funny Rio: Does that mean you really don't think I am or Buster: It means you're making me laugh Buster: Maybe I'm just fucking hysterical still but Rio: awh Rio: I love your laugh Buster: Don't take the piss Rio: I'm not Rio: I'm sad I can't hear it Buster: Don't be sad either Rio: I'll try Buster: Try for me, baby Rio: 🤤 Buster: I'm in a state, why did I go out? Rio: For the coke, mostly Rio: you gone? Buster: I don't feel here Buster: But maybe that's 'cause you aren't Rio: Babe Rio: What do you need, what can I do? Buster: I'm alright Buster: Have to be Rio: You don't have to Rio: but if you're gonna be a mess be safe Buster: I don't wanna be a mess Rio: 'course not Rio: but sometimes we all have to be that too, like Buster: I can't Buster: You said it shouldn't be conditional, but it is Buster: When I fuck up they stop caring about me Rio: They still care it's just they don't show it in the right way 'cos they're disappointed Rio: it's still something, even if it feels like shit Buster: Bullshit. Nance is more than disappointed for one Rio: Well that's different with her Rio: stuff happened you'll have to agree to forget or talk about Buster: Don't hate me again, okay? Ever Rio: I never did, not really Rio: but I'm not going either, alright Buster: Yeah, don't Buster: There's nobody here that's Rio: That's what? Buster: It just feels like there's no one here but me Rio: You're just far away Rio: from real people Rio: and people who really know you Rio: but you're okay, I've got you Buster: I don't want that anymore Rio: What do you want? Buster: Things that are real Rio: Let's make that happen then Rio: we'll find real things for you Buster: You're real for me though Rio: Yeah Rio: Just 'cos we have to be apart for a bit, doesn't mean it's gotta be how it's always been Rio: I can talk to you all the time, be so annoying, I swear Buster: You're so cute, I swear Rio: Shh Rio: you Buster: No, 'cause you are & you don't know Rio: You're so sweet to me Buster: Not as sweet as I wanna be Buster: I don't know how to do that Rio: Well I like you Rio: I can always teach you Buster: You never did teach me how to kiss so Rio: You still want lessons, baby? Buster: Don't tell me I need 'em Rio: I don't think so but you sound like you're still bitter about it Rio: plenty other things I can show you Buster: Bitter ain't the word, don't worry Rio: Kid didn't stick around to dare us to try again, like Buster: He wanted your first kiss that's why Buster: Didn't reckon on me having it Rio: I'm glad it was you Rio: not gonna forget your name, like Buster: 😂 Rio: Serious Rio: got enough regrets since Buster: They'll motivate you if I can't Rio: you reckon Buster: 'Course Buster: Gotta keep doing better Rio: Yeah Rio: 'til what? Rio: what's the end goal? Buster: It's never over, you can always improve from where you were or get somewhere else you wanna be Rio: I guess so Buster: You calling bullshit? Rio: Nah Rio: Just thinking Buster: What? Rio: Just about what I want Rio: what I don't Buster: If you're about to dump me, you've really picked your moment, babe Rio: Shut up Rio: no Buster: Like cheers for letting me have these last few days first but Rio: 😂 Rio: Stop Rio: like you're getting off that easy Buster: You know you can get me off very easy, that's why I want you to stay Rio: 😏 Rio: touche Rio: and works for me Buster: Works on you too, everything I do for you Rio: You know you make me feel good, baby Buster: Better than good Rio: Yes Rio: happy Buster: You make me feel happy too Rio: Good, that's all I want Buster: Nothing else? Are you sure? Rio: Well Rio: if you're offering Buster: I am Buster: What do you want? Rio: Just you Rio: and you and more you Buster: I told you, you're fucking cute Rio: I just like you Buster: You're making me blush Rio: You're making me miss you so fucking much Rio: the cutest Buster: [sends pics of his cute face] Rio: 😍 Rio: you're unreal Rio: and mine Buster: I wanna kiss you so badly right now Buster: All these girls here & none of them are you Rio: It's so rude and unfair Rio: your lips are so soft Buster: I'm not gonna stop there Buster: Your skin is flawless Buster: My mouth needs to be on all of it Rio: Are you gonna be gentle? Buster: At first Rio: Buster Buster: I just like you too Rio: I know Rio: Be back soon Rio: okay Buster: Okay Rio: We're gonna have the best summer Buster: I promise Rio: 😊 Rio: we should go away somewhere else Buster: Where do you wanna go? Rio: Hmm Rio: anywhere hot Rio: the less clothes you need the better Buster: Fine, I admit you have the best ideas Rio: 😏 Rio: THANK YOU Buster: Don't shout at me Buster: So rude Rio: How could I Rio: being 'round you, making me forget my manners, I reckon Buster: You've gotta be a good girl Buster: Angelic like Buster: Who else is gonna balance me out Rio: Only for you Rio: 'cos you ask so nice Buster: Yeah, nobody else Buster: You're my baby, not theirs Rio: I'm so ridiculously yours Rio: I don't need nobody else Rio: or nothing Buster: I'll make sure you don't Buster: Give you everything Rio: I know you will Rio: you do Buster: Tell me I can get on a plane too & meet you there Rio: Is this a test Rio: of how good I am Rio: 'cos 😩 Buster: It's just what I want Rio: Me too Rio: you're fucking addictive Rio: actually Rio: sounds so cringe for how real it feels Buster: I can't tell anyone even if you said the most embarrassing shit ever uttered Buster: But that's not Buster: It's accurate Rio: Keep it in mind Rio: I still fucking feel you but not enough Rio: just aches Buster: Me too Rio: No matter how many times I make myself cum, I'm still craving you Buster: That's the hottest thing & also exactly how I feel Rio: Kinda never want this plane to land Rio: unless it's back with you, obviously Rio: real life is the worst Buster: If you don't land you can't open your present though Rio: that's true Rio: I should probably sleep but I don't wanna Buster: Dream about me Buster: That was real life too & it was the best Rio: I like sleeping with you Buster: Get on the phone, I'll tell you a story Rio: If you get any more daddy you're actually gonna have to put a kid in me Rio: warning you, like Buster: I'm keeping up with you, going home to be such a MILF Rio: 😂 Rio: you're just too fucking hot Rio: it's dangerous Buster: Don't worry baby, I'll keep you safe Rio: Stop Rio: or Imma come back and fuck up your whole life Rio: 😏 Buster: Come back & be my whole life Rio: 😍 Rio: I swear to GOD, boy Buster: Swear to me, you know you want to Rio: Fuck Rio: just fuck me Rio: fuck my whole life Buster: [calls her so he can sorry everyone] Rio: [either making this flight very interesting or very long for everyone else lmao] Buster: [at least she's not in business class that's just pervy men but she could've got that promo tho] Rio: [pass a bowl round] Buster: [lol imagine] Rio: [better leave this ‘fore an ily slip]

Changeling AU: The Good Doctor

Word Count: 1,799

Warnings: Therapy visit, sad family story, vomit mention

Pairing: None

Summary: How did Roman survive his time in the special needs school without being Undone? He had help...

A/N: I actually went to a psychiatrist as a child. This was roughly 30 years ago at this point, I remember very little about it, and anyway it didn't actually help me. So apologizing in advance if this doesn't accurately reflect contemporary therapy visits.

The couch was soft, at least—upholstered with brown faux-leather that had worn a little in spots but was still perfectly serviceable. It reminded Roman of some of the antique furnishings at Caer Flamingo…which would have been more comforting if he had more confidence that he would ever see Caer Flamingo again once St. Dymphna’s was done with him.

“Just wait right here, Roman,” the receptionist said in a sickly-sweet, chirpy tone, “and the counselor will be with you in few minutes. Feel free to play with any of the soft toys or action figures in here, but please don’t touch the figurines on the shelves. Do you want a cup of water before I leave you alone?”

“No thanks,” said Roman, flinching at the slight tremor that came unbidden to his voice.

“All right.”

She left the room and swung the door until it was just ajar, leaving Roman alone with his thoughts and about twenty different stuffed animals and superheroes. He didn’t pick any of them up right away, instead investigating the contents of the room.

The figurines the receptionist had mentioned were clustered along the numerous bookshelves, and like the toys, consisted entirely of cartoon characters. The groupings were more-or-less sensible—three Looney Tunes characters, a couple Disney Princesses, a few others that Roman didn't recognize but that shared an art style. If he wasn't supposed to touch them, did that mean they were there for the counselor's own enjoyment? If so, that was...unexpected.

Directly across from the couch was an armchair upholstered in the same faux-leather. Presumably that was where the counselor would sit while interrogating him, although at the moment it was occupied by an absurdly large plush of Winnie the Pooh. Someone had put a fake lab coat and a pair of spectacles on it. Roman wrinkled his nose at the crude attempt at humor, and decided he'd seen enough. He turned sideways on the couch and drew his knees up to his chest. It wouldn't be long now...the counselor would arrive, barrage him with questions, and pick apart his soul. They would declare that Roman was abnormal and needed to be fixed, and maybe put him on some sort of medication, and just like that, his life as one of the Shining Host would be over when it had barely begun. Lady Valerie had said so.

Roman balled up his fists and pressed them to his forehead, forcing himself not to sink into despair. Lady Valerie had said...but Thomas had said something quite different, something much more hopeful...he had to hold onto that.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when someone abruptly started singing baritone right outside the room. There were no words—just “dum da dum” syllables, but the tune was...a fanfare? Roman was painfully reminded again of Caer Flamingo, with its trumpeters and troubadours...but then the song continued. A hand came through the narrow gap in the doorway, fingers wiggling in time to the music, which sounded more and more awkward the longer it continued. Finally, the singer reached a crescendo and flung the door wide, springing into the room like a jazz dancer closing out Act 1.

The counselor—as Roman assumed this was—wore a tan suit, a grass-green necktie, dark-rimmed eyeglasses, and a goofy grin. “Good afternoon! My name is Dr. Picani, I use he/him pronouns, and I will be your counselor for today and the foreseeable future! You must be Roman...unless you prefer a different name?”

Roman could only blink in confusion. He had never met a regular mortal grown-up who behaved like this. Was it a trick of some kind?

“Um...Roman's fine,” he said.

“Ah!” Dr. Picani continued, shutting the door firmly and crossing to the armchair. “Dr. Pooh Bear! Thank you for keeping my seat warm!” He moved the plush to the floor and settled into the chair, pulling a small notepad and pen out of his jacket pocket. “So then. I'll start with the same question I ask all my new patients: Do you how do, Roman?”

Had he heard that right? “Do I...what?”

“Listen again,” said Dr. Picani, in a tone of hushed excitement. “Do you...how do? Did you hear it that time?”

“'How do you do'...backwards?” Roman guessed.

“Not backwards, exactly. More...turned inside out. Like the Simpsons, in that one Halloween episode! You've seen it, right? No?” He cleared his throat and shifted in the chair, changing the mood of the interview. “Roman, do you know why you're here?”

Roman looked away. “Because my parents think I'm crazy,” he said bitterly. “And my teachers, too. At my real school, I mean.”

“Let me stop you there,” said Dr. Picani. “I don't want you to think St. Dymphna's isn't your real school. It can seem like a different world here, and maybe you've heard it's only for people who are full of delusions, and it's only going to be temporary...but it's still real. As real as the Ghostbusters.”

Roman's gaze snapped back into position. Despite that out-of-the-clear-blue reference to some old movie, that description was almost suspiciously relatable. That first week, after the theme park...

“Let me explain the situation as I understand it,” the counselor continued. “Roman, you're here because you're having trouble living in the world outside your head. My job is to help you figure out how to do that...without necessarily changing who you are as a person. The unique person that you are is a worthwhile one, and you shouldn't have to turn into someone else in order to get by. I want you to know that.”

Roman felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes. This was reminding him so much of what Thomas had said in the junk pile that it was painful. He blinked the moisture down and put on the haughtiest expression in his repertoire. “You're reciting,” he said. “Like a speech. You don't really mean it.”

“It's true, I do practice saying things like that. Using the right words is an important skill in my job here. But I also mean it. My goal is to help you, Roman. But I can't do that unless you cooperate with me.” He turned a page in his notebook. “Why don't I let you do some of the talking for a while? Do you remember how your troubles started?”

Troubles... Roman decided to humor the misconception for the time being, and suddenly the words were spilling out. “Yeah, it was when we went on vacation to Disney over Christmas. Everything there was just so...wonderful. It's like every kind of story come to life, all in the same place. They make it so you can really believe in magic. And so...so...so I did. And I found out that it was real, all of it, even after our vacation was over and we left.” The tears came again, too thick and fast to be stopped. “There really is magic. Why won't anyone believe in it?”

He fully expected Dr. Picani to shoot him down, but to his amazement, the counselor was nodding thoughtfully. “That makes a lot of sense. You're probably not the first.”

“The first...what?”

“The first to enter Chrysalis in a theme park.” Roman's eyes bulged with shock, but Dr. Picani was forging ahead. “After all, don't they call it The Most Magical Place on Earth? Where Dreams Come True? I always found those commercials to be pretty corny, but the place is focused on imagination and art. Why shouldn't it be capable of connecting susceptible individuals to the Dreaming?”

Roman leapt to his feet, hand scrabbling at his hip to draw the sword that he was not presently wearing. “How do you know these things?” he demanded. “You're not Kithain! I'd be able to see it if you were!”

The counselor slowly stood up, walked over to the desk in the corner, and took a framed photograph from it. He handed it to Roman, who examined it. It was an older photo, in color but with that slight smudginess that indicated it was taken using film rather than a digital camera, and depicted a girl in her early teens, and a boy several years younger, posing on monkey bars in a playground. The boy was just recognizable as a young Picani, while the girl...

Roman's eyes widened again. The girl shared a family resemblance with the boy, but...while the camera could only capture the mortal seeming, there were the little tells in her appearance, in the cant of her eyes and the shape of her nose. She was a changeling.

“No, Roman, I am not one of you. But my sister is. Or was, I guess. She's still alive, but we've barely spoken in years. She was...she lost her fae self, you see.”

“She was Undone,” Roman stated, running his fingers over the glass in the photo frame.

“Thank you, that's the word I was looking for. Our parents thought she was crazy. And so did her teachers. They wouldn't believe in magic.” Roman looked up. Dr. Picani was still smiling, but now it was a sad smile. “So Laura was put into psychotherapy in order to 'cure' her of her 'delusions.' The therapists wouldn't believe in magic either, and by the time they were done, Laura was a normal—completely human—girl.”

Roman felt the blood leaving his face and he began to grow dizzy. Autumn People... He let himself fall back onto the couch, setting the photo aside lest he drop it from his trembling hands. The dizziness got worse and he leaned over, letting his head droop between his knees.

“Easy there,” said Dr. Picani's voice, sounding oddly far away. He sat beside Roman—he felt the movement of the cushions—and rubbed his back. “Do you need the nurse? Or something to throw up into?” Roman shook his head as the dizziness subsided. “Roman, I'm not going to let that happen to you. That's the main reason I became a therapist—so that if I met any other young changelings, I could help them come to terms with their place in the world without making them turn out like Laura. And now I've met you. When they gave us your file, I found your story so familiar...I requested to have you as my patient. You can talk to me about your world, and I'll know that it's real. You're going to be all right. You're going to be you. Are you willing to work with me on that?”

Roman carefully sat up, noting with satisfaction that his head no longer spun. He allowed himself a careful smile. “I think so.”

“Then permit me to ask once more—third time's the charm, right?—do you how do?”

“Do...I...pretty good?” Roman guessed.

Dr. Picani beamed.

A/N: As of this writing, there have been two “Cartoon Therapy” episodes, and Dr. Picani's tie is color-coded for each. I chose to continue that theme here. Green is a color often associated with faeries in folklore because of their ties to nature.

Taglist: @k9cat

6/2/17 10:39 a.m.

I feel positively drained. With this exhaustion, I feel more susceptible to pain and negativity. It’s like I’m not able to ward things off as easily, because my mind is too tired. I hope this isn’t the knockout round, but the moment instead after the fight when I ice my body and cool down.

----

***What’s my pain plan? What will I learn to do healthily when I feel symptoms of depression coming on?

------

I’ve been through one hell of a training and there’s still more to go if I want to reach this mental Everest.

My body aches, my mind aches, my eyes are weary Jehovah if you could carry me along this path just for a little bit I may be able to renew my strength. Please carry me. My heart is heavy and I’m bloated with thoughts I don’t need.

Each day I try to cast one aside so they don’t live within me. Blocking me from moving forward. Thoughts that hurt and pain I will run towards include these….(I have to remember these pains are temporary, ephemeral):

1)    Zach and his girlfriend going out dancing tonight (it’s Friday) at The Piano Bar.

2)    Zach posting on Instagram a pic with him and his new beau (belle?).

3)    Me finding out that Zach is engaged at Chelsey and Keith’s wedding.

4)    Zach celebrating his September birthday – damn Virgos – with her. She takes him out and spoils him.

5)    Zach and his girlfriend having sex. I crave intimacy, even though I’m still learning how to be intimate.

6)    The Piano Bar.

7)    Zach eating ramen or Korean BBQ with him. Did she take is updated profile picture?

8)    Hockey games. I love hockey, don’t I?

So short of breath writing this, like I ran a marathon. Running knee-deep in the pain toward the pain, a breathing mask of pain. Pain...pain...PAIN.

Now, I get to choose. Employ my free will. I can choose to be happy with these outcomes or I can choose to feel the pain more. I can’t rely on my pain more though, like a sordid security blanket, making myself out to be the victim, or even the villain. It is what it is.

I made this decision. I made this reality and moment by moment, I am building a reality.

Now I have a choice what reality I want to build next, whether that’s one of peace or one of despair.

Let’s build one of peace.

Zach chose what he wanted, and we are always willing to stand by our choices. He’s confident and looking back toward me.  

What a lonely dirt road I’m on after he drove away. Better for me to prune my thoughts and sit in silence. White-hot-heat. I have to be resolute in my own choice to move forward and not stay stranded. I have to choose to support and advocate for whatever path Zach takes in order to feel peace and know he’s made the right choices for himself.

I have to choose happiness which is somehow rooted in my own happiness and the happiness I will choose to feel for him.

I can’t nurse pain or sorrow...that breeds pain and sorrow. I can choose to wish him pain, but that infliction would only reach mei. If I send happiness, my pain will turn to peace and my soul will find quiet.

That list on the last page of fears. I fear he’ll start a family. I can’t push away my fears. I can only address them head on. They are fears because my ego fears that I’m not lovable. Why can, how can Zach find someone else to love or like outside of me?

I’m supposed to be the whole world. The love that changes him and makes a better person. My ego wants the acknowledgement and that’s where the pain arises. Instead, If I recognize that he is not my world, nor am I his, he is creating his own reality moment by moment, we are both doing all we know how to do based on our past experiences that shape our future actions until we wake up and choose.

There is no anger in that, only humanity. He needs love; I need love. I also need healing, so I can come to a resolution of inner peace and stillness.

I’m scared of seeing that couple profile shot of Zach and his new girlfriend. I’m scared to like it. The ego says that should be me, but it’s not.

I wish Zach would peruse my Facebook page, and wonder about me and how I’m doing.

Did I leave an empty space in his life? Does he have regrets? What’s she like? Will it last forever? I still check Josh’s relationship status, Josh from my old job, or even Aaron’s. Will someone make the conscious choice to choose me or will I consciously choose to move forward. To actively pursue getting better, to love myself deeper, and maybe, just maybe, that love will spill over to others. Can I choose differently?

-----

My dad was emotionally and physically abusive, but instead of being envious of other loving relationships with the stinkin’ thinkin’ that that will never be me, I’m going to cherise and explore the love I have for myself.

Love isn’t envy. Love breeds more love and nothing else. It is not reckless but controlled and nurtured, just like a plant that needs the right conditions to grow and thrive. Love absorbs and gives. It is generous; it stems from patience, it heals and awakens.

It is not a foe, nor does it create foes. It is warm to touch when you need or cool to touch if you prefer. It is NOT controlling, yet it does take practice and restraint to control.

Without restraint, the art of love is lost to its counterfeits – desire, lust, greed, envy – who share passion with love but not its attributes of patience, kindness, and gratitude.

Fake love is easy to mass produce. Real love takes time and energy, but is everlasting and doesn’t end in destruction.

Zach should not destroy me. Dad should not destroy me. Love cannot be a destroyer. But is should bring healing.

Dear Jehovah,

Please help me to heal and heal with love in my heart for Zach and my dad. Let me bud new blooms of love for me and for my enemies. Let me be flooded with love and light.

I have to reach the point where if I want something, I’m also able to let it go. I have to have an intention and let what I want most go. What if I can do this with Zach? Can I let him go? Can I let you go? Not even think about you anymore.

“Once you release your grasp, then you give up your resistance, and then that which is for you will come to you.” - Michael Bernard Beckwith

Otherwise I could be blocking my blessings.

Why am I scared to stop resisting? Why resist? What if the universe is really on my side? What if God is doing everything in His/Her power to make sure this all works out in the end?

I’m being cheered for to keep going, because everyone and everything is working with me, not against me. I can’t work against myself. That’s like a CEO who self-sabotages will the rest of the company is trying to keep the organization afloat. I have to stop resisting letting you go Zach. Today, I let you go.

“Transsexing is an act of healing”

again I know Hayward has delimited a scope for this (above) --

but it seems insufficient. and i don’t know how exactly we’d differentiate transgressive potentiality from regenerative animation

dysphoria / euphoria — not sure how this maps on — not all transgressive potentialities are euphoric, not every response to dysphoria is regenerative …

and dysphoria is not always localized in/on the body — obviously that’s the intensity we’re trained to see : looking in the mirror, at the jawline, which can be cut, but also the shoulders, the feet, the hands, the entire build of the body — in the latter case dysphoria is a response to what seems immutable — not ever available for healing or regeneration — a structural impossibility — 

and, to speak autobiographically, i’d say too that dysphoria can act more like an absent or retroactive cause than a symptom properly speaking — as in, healing (an “act”?) might have to take place before the symptom can make it to the surface — not always as articulate as “being in the wrong body” — sometimes too it’s just “wrong” — a sense of wrongness — and sometimes even that can’t be felt as such except in retrospect —

especially if dysphoria is dissociative — it seems like that may be a more common symptom but it’s one that can only be apprehended as such when you’re not enveloped in it — not feeling real only comes out as the problem when you come to and your reality starts to lay its film out (on the eye, in the nose) — layers sift out — where before everything was muted, behind glass, etc. — dissociation is like that --  it’s less like regeneration and more like coming up for air —

i think that’s actually what Hayward means by regeneration though: regeneration of the senses — via the flesh, “meat” (???) — why meat? — dead meat, meat market, white meat (an alternative to “flesh,” which seems more specific to racialized embodiment, at least in critical discourse -- “meat” has a feminist political resonance -- men treat us like meat, therefore we’re this kind of subject: visceral corruption, fakeness and hence disposability, subject to avid devoration and just as vicious disgust-- a ripped apart, flayed, delinked, tender (smooth) or tough (muscular) object of consumption -- also the animal studies angle obviously: “trans women” the other other white meat -- in short: meat is feminizing where flesh is racializing -- trans women is in quotes bc both Jules and Torrey point out the false presumption in that term that white trans women and trans women of color necessarily share a coherent set of experiences, much less a coalescent political subjectivity)  — marked out by transition —

anyway though: if dysphoria is dissociative (disabling but not in a way that’s apparent to anyone else and maybe not to yourself either: they/you just think you’re shy, or you’re overcompensating, or you’re abrasive — whatever your particular disorder/cope is) then the response to it is not quite regenerative bc regeneration presumes something cut off and i guess in dissociation you are cut off from some kind of relationality, some kind of reality — yet it doesn’t seem cut off until you’re healing (so to speak) — 

i guess i just mean to appreciate Hayward’s emphasis on a kind of regeneration without wholeness (originary or teleological) — and at the same time wonder if transsexing, as a revelation of dysphoria, (maybe through euphoria: maybe just through changed conditions), puts wholeness more radically in question — bc not only can it operate without any presumption of ideal wholeness (as origin or destination) — a suspension — but it may also depart from or involute the timeline that connects origin / destination — insofar as the symptom comes out after its regeneration  

i am also thinking here about Arielle Scarcella (a lesbian youtube terf / trump endorser) and how she thinks that young trans ppl trick themselves into being trans and then get dysphoria from the transition process — obviously her political aim is retrograde but dysphoria is complex -- it may not seem to exist before an alternative is lived

again i have to insist: dysphoria isn’t actually an individual symptom anyway — it’s a response to interpellation, to an unbearable form of subject formation, a refusal or inability to respond to the incitements to inhabit your assigned sex  — 

assignment is not anatomical but normative — a developmental projection only loosely tethered to the genital trait it claims anchorage in — only loosely in part bc the genital only rly becomes a sex organ later, after genitalization or at puberty (pick your poison)

so there is an impasse or insufficiency in modeling the individual trans body onto the individual starfish body — and to say that “regeneration” is about healing that body — this is more fully addressed in the spider article but it’s important to stress that regeneration is kind of impossible without some kind of “building-out” (as Hayward puts it) — an architectural support — a relational field — and regeneration also means exposing yourself to further damage — not just “redressing harm” but accepting (or not accepting — just putting up with, living with) a certain level of vulnerability to harm in order to move out of the unbearable —

dysphoria isn’t an individual condition and it’s also not as acute as the “cut” in the song — it may also be accretive, built up — it may be a chronic condition, or an episodic susceptibility — dissociative episodes — recurrent

as for euphoria: a diff question — futural — infinitizing — also self-evaporating — rather than reparative — euphoria associated with falseness — false pleasure, false elation, false looking forward to an increasingly abundant future — false anticipation of the endlessness of growth — a speculative mood — yet weirdly too it can be what allows you to feel your happiness at all — as in: euphoria is “wellbeing” but that’s background unless something picks it up and makes it overwhelming — sometimes you’re happy and you don’t know it — and euphoria takes you by surprise when it comes into relief — the relief of how much better it feels — an art of living that’s not just bearable but feels perfectible and extensive — (delusive or nonendless as that feeling may turn out to have been)

i suppose you could say euphoria and dysphoria exist in some kind of dialectical relationship — i don’t think that’s the logic, because they’re more intermittent (not a spiraling momentum, necessarily) —  but you could say that the infinitizing tendency of euphoria confronts dysphoria not just as a corporeal (anatomical) limit but also as an external screen — that is to say, the screen of others’ perceptions — as that which defines corporeal limits — 

again whiteness is crucial: as transparency, individuating possibility of infinite self-extension — all trans bodies are subject to some degree of overdetermination from without (the dysphoric overdetermination of cis criteria) — but obvs race changes how the body is sexed — so too how it’s transsexed, transspeciated  

last point: transspeciation for Hayward is a condition of biochemical transfer -- Premarin, an estrogen taken from horse urine -- what this opens up for question though is the synthetic -- what kind of transfer is that? esp. when it’s supposed to be bioidentical?