re-learning paint tool sai <3

I am very invested in the P3 x soul eater au even if I have not seen soul eater

unfortunately i didn’t plan it as far as an actual plot goes. i basically just assigned whether or not they were weapons or meisters and moved on with my day 😭

if u dont know soul eater, the simplest way i can explain is that there’s meisters (ppl who use weapons) and demon weapons (ppl who are weapons). & theyre usually partners.

the way i had partners set up was:

minato/ryoji + kotone/aigis + junpei/fuuka + yukari/mitsuru + akihiko/shinjiro + ken/koromaru

yeah it’s hard to yap about this when i never had an actual storyline in my head 😭 basically how i chose the actual weapon form they take was i picked what weapons the characters already use in the game. so, even tho akihiko uses boxing gloves, shinjiro is an axe. yukari uses a bow, but mitsuru is a fencing sword, etc. i could’ve made shinjiro & mitsuru be knuckle dusters & a bow respectively, but i didn’t see the fun in it tbh. i thought it could be cool to see them learn to use what their partner is comfortable transforming into ✌️

except fuuka. she was kicking my ass trying to decide what she’d be, so i just pictured fuuka would be the one weapon catering to ppls preferences. so, partners w junpei, she’s just a sword or a baseball bat or smth + koromaru is the same. w ken, he’s a lance… as much as i thought about & laughed at ken, small child, running around with a knife that happens to also be his dog best friend, i figured it wouldnt work out…

lastly, ryoji is a scythe & aigis is a gun. kotone using a machine gun is an important part of this au. not for any particular reason i just think its a little funny

i had stuff planned for ryoji to make him all special but honestly i think planning the au so intricately was what burnt me out 😭😭 opening the wiki to relearn anime lore i watched at like 11 years old and doing my research when all i wanted to do was draw akihiko with a big ass axe 💔

Dump as many geno headcanons as you physically have and want to share ( also ink ones if you have any )

ONGOMG OK I HAVE. MANY.!!! ILL ALSO DROP ANY INK ONES I HAVE BCS. I LOVE HIM TOO <333

theres no order in this its just. brainrot chaos

Okay first off, I think geno would be really really sensative to colour, both in the savescreen n out of it. Esp with his escaping the savescreen end, I think the ton of colour everywhere would be like super overstimulating for him since hes been in. a black void with minimal colour and light for. A very very long time- i like to imagine hed have like tinted glasses (something like sunglasses but also prescription glasses? i <3 geno with glasses) to help block out the colour n light.

i also think hed have chronic pain and dizziness/fainting spells (totally not just me protecting huh noo) due to having only a part of a soul, snd the fact its affected by determination, i feel like itd cause him a lottt of issues. he would experiment on himself and make his own little gear n gadgets n aids n stuff to help with it bcs. science boy. If he gets too emotional in any capacity (especially anger, but also like too sad even too happy just. too anything) he starts melting again starting from his socket. i think his scar would still bleed out of the save screen. it wouldnt hurt unless ppl are touching it but i think itd always bleed magic. which would be very inconvenient- he also likes to wear white and light colours due to the colour sensory issues which makes the bleeding scar a lot more obvious- i call it a magic defect in my head, basically just a permanent issue with his magic that he cant stop but also isnt inherently harming him.

i think about this guy sm i love him

continued geno ramblings hed keep doing science stuff outside of the save screen, both experimenting with his magic and (when he can rope him in) the other sans of their verse (who i call after). Geno n after would have slightly different memories. i think geno would remember past things after cant, but after can remember like the active timeline better then geno. geno would also have more science knowledge then him i think. Geno would probably lose tract of time in the save screen and have no idea how long hes been there. I also hc hes like. 100s of years old if you count all the time in the savescreen. he doesnt know that though. I think geno would get really paranoid that things would reset and he would get trapped in the save screen again. i dont think he likes the colour yellow. i think this man has (better than in the past) but still very bsd mood swings, which coupled with the fact he could melt and die if its too intense is not great. hed have to relearn a lot of his magic after injecting the determination and it still will never be the same as it was before, i think the determination would fuck with his summoning abilities especially.

(do monsters melt when they have too much determination because monsters are made of magic and determination fucks with and breaks down magic? am i only thinking if this now???)

i think his socket would have melted first because his eyelights have strong amounts of magic. i also like to draw him with not just the socket melted but like. that entire side of his head melted when hes in the savescreen. i think once hes out itd be a bit less melty but still not. pleasant. he has a little fabric thing he made that he wears out that covers that half of his skull to hide the melting. he only sleeps on his left side because if he sleeps on his right or back the melty stuff will get everywhere. I think hes put his hand through the goop into his skull more than once. for. scientific research. if he touches the inside it makes a ringing noise n gives him a massive headache. i think head get migraines very easily and be very overwhelmed by sounds bcs of the melty side as well. his fingers are slightly shorter than afters because the tips (where i hc magic like. pools.) melted off.

I dont know why I have this one but i love the idea of geno being a good singer. i dont know why but i love it. i think hed listen to music a lot, esp to calm down. He would hyperorganize things, and like to keep things on shelves and in draws and trys to keep the floor clean. his workspace would be less clean though, the floor would be clean but hed use the trusty old 'shove everything in the corner of the desk' method. He wears baggy clothes a lot and prefers them. He doesnt like the public. I think hed constantly hear a slight ringing in his head and it would annoy the hell out of him- robbed from my fren but hed always have some sort of sound on like music or white noise and hed have like. at least 2 fans in his room for noise. kinda from cpau but. he would not drink much and gets drunk vv easily (i had another headcanon to put here but. i switched to typing on my pc and i forgor it :<)

this guy is. so silly. so so very silly. is he even a guy? no one knows. i hc hes genderfluid and also pangender n i think hed use a bunch of like microgenders and the promply forgor all of them. i. i dont think he sleeps. i dont think he knows how. until he runs out of paint and WHOMP collapse asleep. I love him being like, nice but very blunt. i think he has 12 projects running at all times and none of them are the same medium. he has an ao3 account im 100% sure. wheres that one gif hold on

uhhhh overall i love this man so much but holy shit he needs a hug and. all the therapy. just all of it. like. yesterday. but ilove him so so much spins him around in a microwave in my head.

THE INK ONES!!!!

oh also he speaks french

THIS ONE!!!! HES JUST DOING THIS IN MY HEAD CONSTANTLYY (i cant find the source if someone has it pls let me know)

yeah i cant think of him without thinking of this gif its permanently my preception of him. hed bully kids on roblox but like in a silly way. i think hes like constantly making little changes to his outfit that no one but him can notice the difference but hed like proudly show it off. i think hed listen to at least one song from every genre and have at least 2 songs he adores no one in their life has ever heard of. he doesnt not have playlists he has one large thing of all his songs and runs it on shuffle. I think bcs of his paints the colours around him can influence his mood, and i also think the saturation of stuff would, n i also think thatd affect his art. Like when hes really happy hed paint with super bright colours but if hes more sad hed use greyscale and dark colours n stuff like that. I think he has a massive collection of art exploring really fucked up things he doesnt show to anyone. I do not think theyd just be sad art too, i think some of them would be but hed also have like max saturated color gore artworks. this guy has never kept a pencil or eraser or pen long enough for them to run out. he has a hoard of supplies bcs he always loses things. I think he has a list of a bunch of aus he wants to draw that he keeps on him at all times (not like aus to create but like, aus he wants to visit and create based on the scenery). i think broomy has a secret compartment on him that ink stores art supply backups and vial backups in. he does forget about it sometimes and has accidentally popped it open in a fight before, scaring both him and whoever he was fighting. speaking of i dont think hed be big on fighting, but i think he would do it sometimes as a way to try and explore how the people interact. i <3 having ink love to like. study others emotions. he has a ton of artworks just of peoples faces portraying different emotions. I dont think hed just draw and paint i think hed write and make music and do any form of art you can think of. except cooking. hes been banned from cooking and baking. he knows why.

overall rating: 6/5 Stars, so very silly

It's really refreshing to see that your reaction to someone offering advice on ways for Al to look more "realistically" fat isn't to shut down and throw a fit about how its /your/ art and you can draw whatever you want, but to take it to heart or be like "im already learning how to do that". It feels like a lot of the straight sized or midsized artists I see that do draw fat people(if at all) will treat the fact that they have made a half-hearted attempt to draw a fat person to be some kind of service to fat ppl that cannot be criticized in any way. Genuinely thanks for not being weird about it!

i understand the sentiment while also wanting to be like "dont thank me for having Normal human reaction"!

But dis is also bc i like different body types and fat distributions and Have drawn fat people before and for a very long while ^_^ I have other fat ocs (so i have ""already learned"" (<- but/and am constantly relearning + learning more)) Al's just the only one that's been historically tricky for me to stylize to my Vision of him... So theres no reason to become upset

+ These characters are all important to me so why wldnt I want to depict The Body to the best of my ability... as well as having enjoyment of the human body in all forms in general (and Al being my favorite oc) ^_^ I cant imagine turning down advice that wld help me depict him better bc I really wld like to, I love him ^_^ but i understand what u mean!

rambling about mi and my art for a sec. ups and downs. downs and ups.

back during covid restrictions i was basically free to make my art as long as i needed/wanted. every post could take weeks and it would be fine because i had more energy than i was used to.

physically going to & from school took so much hours of my day not just bc of commute time but bc i'm just always so tired from something, and simple tasks take... forever. not having to deal with that 6 days a week gave me so much. time. i could actually sleep a good amount of hours and take care of myself and the house... and draw what i wanted. and have some free time for other activities. and participate in [albeit online] social stuff.)

in 2022 after the end of the restrictions, i got back to uni and it felt... i don't know. i got so used to not being questioned (abt my names, my gender) and used to being surrounded by nice or like-minded ppl and i had to, lose that. i was being seen physically again, by all sorts of people and i felt so, slow. i couldn't make friends for a year and everyone felt so ahead of me.

i eventually lost knowing how to draw/talk about the things i liked in ways i wanted. i felt like i got replaced by someone else without noticing. i felt lost. i lost very important people in different ways. one died and one... got tired of me.

some updates & positives though yippee :]

i started making art of me n my closest friends again. we got very disconnected in 2021 (and to some extent, 2022) bc all of us were experiencing our own fucked up shit due to the isolation. i think talking to each other made us all too aware of how separated we were and it didn't help anybody.

[also bc their main game is Leeg of Lehgehnds and i'm noooooooooot interested /j]

some of them who now live in other cities visited a few times and it was always fun (and very, very, loud.)

also started reconnecting with other people i lost contact with over the restriction.

got to draw a lot in February actually, especially after meeting some new friends. they're probably like the nicest people i've ever met irl. i don't think i've met nicer people (sorry closest friends </3.) i feel bad swearing around them bc they don't even do that lmaoo omg.

got my teeth cleaned and one of my molars removed after weeks of aching and noticed a small inflamed part of my gums 😭

i bought a little table :D so i didn't have to work with my stuff on the bed or the floor anymore.

relearning to b nice to myself. relearning a lot of things. raaa

wrt that furry art post can i just say 1: drawing equines is fucking Hard & i dread the day i try to anthro-fy my ponysona. i Will do it tho.

and 2: shouts out to furry artists who can also draw humans. this isn't a pat on the back I'm saying this through anguished tears as every time my interests shift from one (drawing furries) to the other (drawing humans) i have to relearn how to draw whichever one i neglected for 5 years. like I'm saluting the ppl who do both

Your art trademark(s) I’d say would be the way you draw eyes and fabrics as well as your coloring style.

I LOVE DRAWING EYES man i went through such a journey with how i draw eyes. i had a good path and then BAM my 2018 crisis hit and suddenly all i could do was this weird hyperstylized eye which was fun and ppl liked it but it soooo hindered my improvement and i had to completely relearn how to draw people! its kinda crazy ngl lol

fabrics r also fun i think thats cause i was taught clothing folds p early on at like 13/14 years old in my magnet school days

Seriously your art is such *chef kiss*, I'm so happy you're sharing your work with us!! I have many questions if that's okay haha Have you been to art school or are you self-taught? What got you interested in art in the forst place? Do you plan on making it a career, or is it """just""" a nice hobby? Would you ever be interested in art collabs? Do you take commissions/do you sell prints? (u should) Is there something about your art you feel needs improvement and what are you the most proud of about your work? Do you have timelapses I can look at/have you considered making tutorials on how to draw our fav Kpop boiz?

I hope you have a lovely day <3

😭Hiiii ooh these r good questions...

Have you been to art school or are you self-taught?

I've been to art schools as in private art classes when i was a kid + taking art in public school (my high school had a rly good art program) so I don't consider myself self-taught, but I also didn't go to art college (I took 1 art class that I actually liked in college, the rest were for easy As oops). In the last year I've been watching more art theory stuff on my own thru youtube

What got you interested in art in the forst place?

Idk just been drawing since I was a kid... always liked drawing and painting. Really liked anime in middle school and found digital art as a result of a friend who was really good at drawing manga style digitally. Alice X Zhang was a big inspiration for me because she's such a success story of transforming fan art into a career. At the same time I did a lot of oil painting in high school.

Do you plan on making it a career, or is it """just""" a nice hobby?

Right now it's """just""" a hobby :') My day job is entirely unrelated to art

Would you ever be interested in art collabs?

Ya :) that sounds fun

Do you take commissions/do you sell prints? (u should)

Lol no not now.. Commissions i feel like i'm not disciplined enough to be responsible to draw for money oop. I always thought prints could be cool in the future but I want to like...test sample prints first and stuff. If i were to sell prints I dont wanna do it thru like redbubble or s6 i'd prefer to find a local printshop n set my own system up :) it'd be fun and more direct ... but like not now :''')

Is there something about your art you feel needs improvement and what are you the most proud of about your work?

So much needs improvement always! I am recently working on speed... drawing faster, which goes hand-in-hand with simplifying my drawings and not overworking stuff when I dont need to make everything so detailed. And ofc I always work on improving w likenesses and that balance of realism vs stylization. I think I'm most proud of having developed a style that I feel like is recognizably me (lol "spaghetti squiggly lines") but also sort of having "multiple styles" that I can develop too (like just lineart sketch, black & white shaded sketches, the darker charcoal style I have going on, and full color paintings).

Do you have timelapses I can look at/have you considered making tutorials on how to draw our fav Kpop boiz?

bruh i wish i knew how to draw them well consistently. i think bc i have such a realistic-approach I have to relearn how to draw them each time :'''''''') i've seen those kinds of tutorials on twt which is so cool how ppl stylize drawing X kpop boy but i can't do that 😭 i sort of did one w haechan a while ago? but that was more generically about my process

MAN i sent u a fucking ESSAY and i accidentally cut the first paragraph bc im so goddamn tired. To sum up: im 28 and depressed and moving and also trying to make art as a living despite not being Super Good at it and its forcing me to Relearn things when my style has been stagnant since 2013. I know u said u wanted to try getting back into drawing so im sharing things that took me out of my OWN block and maybe it can help u ???

Lookin at sketchbooks and preparing my comp for drawing feels daunting bc it FEELS like i have a responsibility to make whats i draw there look good. It HAS to be perfect; it has to make up for the fact that im going to show people. So have u considered drawing on temporary mediums like sticky notes? Theyre tiny and small and i can doodle and experiment as much as i want bc i can just crumple and chuck out the things i didnt like. And i can take pictures and save the ones i DO like. I have HUNDREDS of stickies that ive tossed in the garbage that were just Circles for drawing a head that didnt come out right. The impermanence of sticky notes lets me flail around w a workspace smaller than my hand and try to make Detailed Eyes or Cute Chibis and then toss em out later.

Also like, its very hard to just say Go Make Friends but like on god having one or two ppl who look at ur shit and hype u up (and vice versa) helps w ur confidence its so unreal. I have tons of art i havent posted ANYWHERE but u know who saw it? My discord friends who comment w 😭💖 and 🥺✨✨ and let me bounce ideas off of them, even if were in completely diff fandoms. Confidence, lack thereof, and the fear of no recognition makes for a terrifying combination thats sucks out the will and energy of all kinds of artists, and if u rlly want to get back to ENJOYING making art, u unfortunately have to address ur relationship w art and how it affects u, and then begin trying to reverse damage thats been done yknow? Letting myself be a beginner in things again has taken (SOME OF) the stress of being perfect; sharing art w friends builds my confidence; even just sharing aus and ideas and concepts lets me be creative when drawing just doesnt seem feasible. Just some food for thought maybe; i wish i had more advice and options to give u 😔

This is actually excellent advice? I think Im gonna go looking for post its. Part of the stress of this for me is also that I feel super guilty drawing something shitty on good paper, and I think postit notes would help with that since they're cheap!!

I do try to share some of the stuff I make on discord for friends to look at but I still struggle a bit with it. I'm gonna try to trust my friends more too and let them help rebuild my confidence

I'm gonna try not to beat myself up for being a beginner again and try to give myself the chance of enjoying art again!!!

Thank you SO MUCH anon!

Makoto plot line by Lêx?

thank you for this totally 100% spontaneous ask that you sent of your own free will, anon!

okay, so here's the thing. i dont like makoto. not really. he's annoying af and basically useless. bitch does nothing but hide behind haru cuz he's scared of everything and be blushy and soft in that spineless way, you know? like he just lets everyone push him around and treats everyone in such an unfuriatingly uniform, fake-cheery, ultra helpful way that it's his whole personality

but here's the thing! it gets sad. you know? especially considering how he, like, seems to basically live to enable haru? in all the worst ways. like it's nice of course that he helps haru with his depression but there's a point when it becomes enabling and that point is when makoto is running after haru all the time trying to solve his messes, remind him of his own damn responsibilities, and basically take care of haru's whole life so he doesn't have to. again, helping is good, but by worrying about the things haru doesn't worry about and preventing him from facing the consequences of not doing anything basically lmao he enables haru to never fucking get out of his constant stupor. also, as previously said, he's spineless, which means that he never truly goes against haru's wishes. so like. enabler. bad

which is my main beef with makoharu, which is actually the most popular ship in the fandom because ppl have no taste and also dont know how to interpret shit. tho tbh even makoharu shippers are like "i ship makoharu because makoto deserves to be happy and he wants haru!" so even they acknowledge that.... haru isn't into him lmao. but anyway

point is: they pull each other back. im not gonna say it's abusive or something cuz i don't think it is, i wouldn't even call it toxic, but it's stale in the worst kind of way. makoto enables not only haruka's depression, but also his self destructive and to some extent relationships destructive behavior, setting his growth back. and makoto lives and exists to take care of haru. he has no dreams, no goals, hell, not even INTERESTS. his whole thing is just. haru. where haru goes, he follows. and. that's it basically

which is why the fact that so many makoto stans ship makoharu is also baffling to me, because if i were a makoto fan, i'd probably hate haru, lmao. i mean, makoto is going around doing all this work for him, plus emotional labor, and haru never gives him much back really. and it's obvious that haru doesn't like makoto the same way makoto likes him, but makoto is just out there taking whatever scraps he can get, and haru just sort of. probably doesn't even notice cuz that's been their dynamic since they were kids. and makoto knows that, too. so like. if i stanned makoto. id fucking hate haru for that tbh

and honestly it's bad writing because i think the writers couldn't care less about makoto lmao and also didn't know what to do with him, which i think becomes increasingly obvious as seasons go by and he's just sort of. there. they tried to give him his own plotlines and even dreams but it never stuck. he feels like a doll most of the time. even in s1, which was widely rinharu-focused and barely had any other characters have real plotlines unless you count the one (1) episode where they try to teach rei how to swim, makoto was particularly uninteresting and underexplored and developed. like, the other characters might not have had huge importance but at least they had personalities. makoto didn't, really, unless you count "mama henning haru" and "being uwu" as a personality

but my point is: what if makoto got some real writing? what if we explored his character, and his relationship with haru, in a more critical, dimensional way?

makoto is in love with haru, i think that's indisputable. haru isn't in love with makoto, which i also think is indisputable. makoto himself knows that what haru has with rin is special and beyond what makoto and haru have, he says that, he even says that he was jealous of rin. yet he stays. even when rin comes back, and haru and rin become friends again, and it's obvious they're going to be together, makoto stays. he takes care of haru, which is some pretty damn stressful work, and does all this emotional labor for him, and haru barely gives him, like, a smile every once in a while, lmao, and again it's sad. but makoto stays. and - that's an important part to me - it doesn't seem to be because he has any hopes that haru will come around. so why

i think they're stuck in a loop, and that makoto has been in love with haru, and being not only his emotional support, but basically the one thread connecting him with the outside world (while simultaneously enabling him to continue as detached from it as he can, because he's not bringing haru out to the world, he's bringing the world to accommodate haru) for so long, he doesn't really know what else to do. also, he feels guilty about leaving haru to his own devices, even if obviously there's nothing he can do if haru won't help himself. also, he's scared of losing him, because he's been defining himself for his relationship with haru for so long, he doesn't know where else to go

i think that's supported by his relationship with other characters. like i said, makoto is annoyingly kind to everyone (if im not mistaken, the name makoto actually does mean kind) and a MASSIVE pushover. he never goes against anyone's wishes. he never really throws in what he wants. he doesn't really interfere with anyone's plans and ideas, he just sorta makes it happen. he is never annoyed, never has any quirks, is never even like, tired, you know? he lives to please other people, to the point where he has no personality, interests, or wishes beyond that

so, yeah: i think makoto is scared that, if he doesn't please other people, there's nothing else left for him. and in a way, he is right, because i don't think he would know what to do with himself if he had to look into himself and figure out what he wants out of life. so it's easier to follow others and dedicate himself to them. also, fear of loneliness is very valid, even if i dont think any of his friends would actually leave him if he weren't being their damn mom all the time. but they also let it happen, especially haru, because it's convenient, and again, homeboy barely has the energy to go to school, much less help makoto unpack all of that

but if i were writing free!, id want to explore that, because it has so much potential to be a pretty damn rich story, actually. especially as the story progresses, because one effect of rin being back and haru running the whole swimming club and trying to prepare for their race is that haru needs makoto less and less as time goes by. because he has a motivation. he cares about his grades because if he doesn't keep them up he won't be allowed to keep working in the swimming club, he cares about teaching the newbie (the rei i mentioned before) how to swim because otherwise they won't be able to run against rin in the medley race, hell, he reforms the whole entire pool that was abandoned so they have a place to train (with help, but like, he couldnt be bothered with getting up to school before). he even goes back to drawing so he can make pamphlets to attract more people to the club

and then he finds his love for swimming again, especially as a team, competitively. he finds his love for people again, for human interaction, for competition and the thrill of the sport he loves. haru finds his motivation, and he starts putting his life back on track and working towards his goals, and haru is damn capable. and that means that makoto has a lot of free time in his hands now, and haru is slipping through them, and he knows he can't really keep their relationship as he was. and he shouldn't, honestly, and i think that he's, at least, smart enough to know this

and he has a crisis, because again, he's been defining himself through haru for the longest goddamn time, im talking all the way from middle to high school here. and he doesn't know who he is. he doesn't know what he wants. he barely knows what he likes

but he's not alone either, because again, makoto is haru's best friend, and haru does like him and it's not like he's all "i found my purpose with rin now. peace out". his journey was also about finding his whole support system with his friends. through relearning how to swim in a team, he also relearned human connection and friendship. that's one of the many beauties of rinharu. they inspired each other to make their lives better, including in ways that have nothing to do with each other, and they weren't even trying to

so he has haru, but in a now radically different dynamic, and also rei and nagisa (his teammates) and gou (rin's sister and also their trainer) (rin and gou don't go to the same school for some reason). and everyone is going through a similar crisis, because it's the last year of high school. rin obviously has known that he wants to be an athlete since he was a kid, but everyone else's plans are kinda sketchy. makoto just happens to have some extra flavor in that mission - he's not just trying to figure out what he wants to do, but who he is

and fuck if i know how that would develop from there, but id really love to see makoto finding himself, honestly. i want to see his issues being addressed. the only backstory we have for him is that he's afraid of the ocean because he almost drowned at some point? i dont remember. i want to know why the fuck he's been repressing his own needs and personality so hard. i want to know what had him so scared of the world that it was easier to forget about himself and basically live through haru. i want to know what he's going to do to find himself, and the very, very painful journey of looking at himself and his own needs, and, in many ways, his own emptiness, because makoto essentially carved himself hollow. i want makoto to have dimension and depth, and be relatable and not just a dumb shell of uwuness for ppl to swoon over and want to protecc, not even because i like him, but because it could be so interesting. and relatable in so many ways. like, god damn it. if you wanna make him one of the main characters, give him a real plotline!

and i want to see him finding out that his life is better when he's a little more detached from haru and not living in an endless pursuit of a relationship, but having a network of people he loves and that has mutual support. i want to see him getting over haru, not so he can have some other romance with someone else, but so he can grow. makoto basically doesn't grow at all the whole show, and it's sad to watch, especially as everyone else grows so much

hi its 3am and i wrote down dnd au shit that im putting under cut bc its. long

pre-canon is mostly the same with minor differences bc d&d magic at play

 jyl and jzx die but they're ok bc true resurrection baby. maybe it takes them a while to be resurrected bc, at the time, resurrection is a fairly new spell/VERY expensive (requires diamonds worth 25k gp in game)/no one was high enough level to cast the spell and also the spell is taxing on the caster/resurrection is taboo (not sure abt that one). anyways they live and raise jl :) jc is still angry but for different reasons and he's also Not As Angry and misses his brother. wwx doesn't know that jyl/jzx lived

wwx doesn't die. during the bloodbath of nightless city, he manages to destroy one half of the stygian tiger seal but before he can destroy the other, the siege on the burial mounds happens. he planeshifts to the 9 hells to escape taking the remaining half with him. such spells were completely unknown at the time and were of wwx's invention so ppl just assumed he died/killed himself. he stays in hell for 13 years (part cultivating his powers/part thinking he deserves it) before finally returning to the material plane thx to mxy

during those 13 years, ppl definitely try to reach him. BUT considering he's on another plane of existence, they often fail. communication spells like sending usually fail but Some do reach him, though he thinks he's just going crazy or it's just wishful thinking. (jyl successfully sends him a message like "a-xian? are you there? …well, wherever you are, i hope you're ok. i miss you. i love you. we all do. please come back." and wwx thinks it isn't real. he DEFINITELY cries when he finds out it actually was real and he wasn't losing his mind in hell)

REGARDING WWX'S POWERS: no one has done it like him!! forming a pact with a fiend was practically unheard of/extremely taboo and the fact that he managed to outgrow his patron in terms of power (lvl 20 baby) is something in of itself. wwx is like The First Warlock Ever and after his "death" many others tried to follow in his footsteps, however no one came even close in terms of power. xy maybe but fuck that guy lol

MXY LIVES!!! bc of reasons he manages to get his hands on a deck of many things from the jin vault (perhaps nhs had a hand in it :eyes:) and draws a wish card on the first try (Very Lucky). he uses that card to essentially wish a pact with the yiling patriarch into existence and over in hell wwx is like "hey wtf is going on" and pops into mxy's shed to see what's up

wq also lives!! jgs covered up her death and wn and her bust out of jinlintai when wwx calls

CURRENT-CANON:

mxy and wwx have a patron/ward relationship. wwx Knows he's not like his own patron and has no desire for mxy's soul or w/e so he's just "yea fine i guess i'll be your evil teacher :/"

wtf is wwx's patron anyway lol…..maybe it's a demon/fiendish entity that resided in the burial mounds that wwx formed a pact with to survive. it probably hangs out on another plane of existence and was partly responsible for his deteriorating mental state.

at mo manor, the mo family dies without mxy or wwx rlly having to do anything. mxy uses his fledgling warlock skills to help out the lan juniors with the arm. lwj shows up after and wwx's like AH FUCK and dips with mxy following after him

wwx uses mask of many faces to disguise himself in his humansona (bc like. he's a tiefling and also very recognizable, being the yiling patriarch and all no biggie) and has bonding moments with mxy. mxy realizes that wwx is not actually evil incarnate; he's actually a fucking dumbass ESPECIALLY when the man starts talking about lwj. (idk how this plays in but I want wwx to complain abt lwj like "i used to be taller than him, now we're the same height?? bullshit >:(" bc i am spreading my short lwj propaganda)

mxy and wwx run into jl at some point. wwx is like :'( when he finds out who it is, jl is a baby homophobe and mxy is like I Will Tell Your Mother to which wwx goes WHAT. BACK UP bc surprise, jyl's actually alive! while he's reeling with this information, mxy drags him away

at dafan mountain, mxy and wwx help out the juniors with the goddess statue. wwx summons wn and jc is like HEY WAIT A SECOND. he goes to hit wwx with zidian (still has the ability to knock possessive spirits but it also has dispel magic, not good for wwx's disguise!) however mxy deflects it with *fjord critical role voice* Eldritch Blast earning lwj's respect. anyways lwj takes both mxy and wwx back to the cloud recesses; mxy doesn't see what's the big deal, wwx is freaking out and Desperately wants to planeshift out of there but he has a ward now and disappearing like that would mean the jigs up considering no one else can planeshift

at the cloud recesses, mxy ditches wwx with lwj so the two can have a Talk to go chill. lwj is like "wei ying drop the humansona i know it's you" and wwx goes :O well. after, mxy comes back and is like "ok so here's the deal with the arm" and spills what he knows abt jgy and what he did and the 3 of them head off to get evidence

I Do Not Remember much of their whole like journey to piece nmj's body back together but it'd probably go much faster with mxy alive and knowledgeable to jgy's shit

wangxian are still gay and stupid

idk abt yi city but songxiao and a-qing get a better ending and xy eats shit

there will def be a yunmeng sib reunion.

POST-CANON:

pulling a page from cql, lwj is chief cultivator but only so he can like. actually do some good then once he's done dismantles the position or smth so he can live out his house husband dreams with wwx

wwx still goes on that journey so he can relearn what it's like to be a person in society and not someone hated and demonized. also he lived in literal hell for 13 years, dude needs time to process that. but u KNOW when he comes back, he's eloping with lwj

with all the pieces of nmj's body back together, nhs true resurrects him :)

NOTES:

wen clan are a mix of tiefling and human, with direct members being tiefling

lsz and ljy are human, jl is half-elf (half-triton), and ozz is a tabaxi (catboy rights!!)

wwx definitely used mask of many faces to entertain a-yuan in the burial mounds by disguising himself as whoever a-yuan asked. (disguises himself as lwj at their dinner date bc a-yuan said so and lwj is like Fuck…….He Would Make Such A Good Father…………)

Adhd is like:

'I want to watch Brooklyn nine nine and knit but I also want to draw all my friends as superheros but I'm also in the middle of a playthrough of the wayhaven chronicles that I forgot about that I really want to get back to but I also want to replay Bad Ritual at the same time but I also want to look at the authors Tumblr to see if they answered my ask and my sister also is trying to get me to play oathbreaker so I might as well download and play that but also I'm tired and want to lie down in bed but my knitting stuff is right here I want to knit while I do all that other stuff but I also want to kind of relearn how to crochet but B99 is open and ready to be watched on my laptop but I'm also sick of stuff to do with police but I really want to read a romance game but which one to I choose but I really should get back to knitting but maybe I'll scroll through Tumblr but I'm up to date none of the ppl I follow are active right now I keep running out of stuff guess I'll check if that authkr answered my ask, oh no they didn't I wonder if they are asleep maybe I should make some Fanart but I just want to watch a boring show and sleep guess I'll do NONE of that and make a post about it on tumblr' and it's all happening in the space of like 3 minutes

So I’ve started drawing digitally, and it’s nothing like physical paper...it’s really tough and idk how ppl do this, but hopefully with enough practice I’ll get a hang of it! It’s like relearning how to draw entirely... This is a pretty shitty piece, but hey it’s by second digital piece ever :p 

ps idk what i was doing with the 2 hair styles-my friend really likes using the marker type brush and i tried...yea uh im just gonna play around more.....

also, idk why it’s exporting like this..hmm..looks clear on my laptop file eh

im not even using a proper program LMAO too dirt poor for a wacom

July 6 2019

3:15 am (saturday?)

it feels like july fourth was just a few hours ago, & june should not have passed yet. i really wish i had someone to love in these moments. it really feels like once again no one really cares for me (in all meanings; im not interesting or tasteful or attractive or desirable or worth understanding/being around). i feel so strange about my body as smth that i do not totally mind being in but also feel mildly disgusted by bc of how other ppl have treated me based upon it. it predicates so much of the violence & suffering that i have internalized. also i am hitting a rock with a few things- i spent all of last night (the night before?) looking up careers & etc things all over the internet & i still have no real dreams relating to working & being a worker- i am more & more uncomfortable with my transness & feeling like i will b disgusting & foolish if i become more feminine but also that i am disgusting & foolish already in how i have always looked & felt- i keep looking at these websites related to queer apa groups & literary things & “opportunities” for someone like me & they just fully do not feel like they are for someone like me bc i feel at the same time too privileged & too lacking to be who they want to support & also that i am simply annoying & burdensome for trying to do anything yet feeling like the work that they do is sometimes annoying & useless anyway so what gives them the pride to deny me & then circling back to these ideas abt money & power that seem antithetical to the stated goals of all of us but totally in line with our actions. it all makes me feel increasingly isolated & resentful that i am unable to change how i feel & live in this moment. it feels like i am back in high school with the part of my brain between my eyes aching yet unable to scream & cry. i know i am different now, but not enough, & not in a way that feels loved. i know that part of my problem is not having a large enough heart to love others first, but when i have not been extended kindness in ways that feel right to me, it is hard to step out & be generous to others who i know deep down will no reciprocate meaningfully. i feel stupid for having these desires that seem totally arbitrary & just make things harder for me (a masculine loving force, being treated as a queer femme by my friends & the respect that comes from knowing i have complex thoughts & emotions, codependency & mutualism in a way that may only be “unhealthy” because of how capitalist dynamics structure our interpersonal relationships) but i cant figure out how to change. i dont want to be uncomfortable & unfulfilled for the rest of my life. on the other hand, i now feel so much shame for wanting these things & pursuing these things in the way that i always have such as studying & licking the toes of elitism bc i understand that this is probably not a channel for me to truly gain comfort but a small part of me (& a huge part of the rest of the world) says yes, it really can be.

A review of june: 

kicked off the month with sherry leaving. we had our philly day trip to eat cheesecake in late may & then our trip to toronto where we met up with grace for a day & then on the last day we hung out until smth crazy like 4am & i sat on the pavement of our driveway & cried as they back up their cars and left. 

the next few days include hanging out w adele, going to hershey to visit alice, & hanging out w adele a little bit more before she left to go on vacation.

around the middle of the month, i did a lot of cooking & eating & sleeping at the correct time & trying to nourish away the emptiness that was slowly creeping in. i was also sewing a shirt with mom that we finished & it looks pretty cute. 

mom & i took many trips. after the weekend at hershey, we went to philadelphia just to eat & hang around, & we went to baltimore at the end of the month (just last weekend). we also went to stone valley/shavers creek & walked around.

around june 20th or so everything started to become a blur. i was/am working on the zine, sleeping at the worst hours, & feeling so empty inside. 

things on the immediate & horizon:

- i bought silkscreen supplies but have not set up a studio situation yet. i am trying to make smth that i am proud of first i guess.

- i am trying to illustrate a zine/comic but i have totally lost steam. i just want it to magically manifest as a finished product because idk how much i still believe in it in this moment of depression & fear it will never come to fruition. part of why i stopped was bc i started feeling like it was shameful to draw these things that i imagine could be a part of a wonderful life because other ppl could look at it & think abt how foolish & disgusting & simple i am.

- em shared these two articles which are rly fucking with me. i guess its comforting that they describe ugliness as smth that shouldnt be treated badly but they also do not have conclusions abt how to not treat ugliness as undesirability which fucks with me. its this strange rhetoric that undesirable people should be valued but maybe still remain undesirable? while acknowledging that value & desirability r unfortunately but definitely related. the more i think abt it the less sense it makes. esp bc i am struggling so much with feeling wholly & totally undesirable. i sent a msg to em today abt it bc they asked me how i am doing & i think it was too much bc they just liked it & didnt reply. 

https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/moving-toward-the-ugly-a-politic-beyond-desirability/

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/how-to-be-fat-caleb-luna-sub/

- im supposed to have my wisdom teeth removed at the end of august & im pretty scared tbh. i have never had surgery, & there are multiple parts that are intimidating to me. i fear being totally not in control of my body being cut up & gouged & not having the choice rly to object because waiting can only make it worse, i fear the physical stabbing & poking & bleeding, i fear the recovery & the pain & indignity, & i also fear the part abt losing consciousness. i dont know what part of my anxiety keeps telling me that its the same as dying, that losing myself to a strange limbo is terrifying, & that framework even makes me suddenly afraid of sleep. on top of that, i am afraid of what i will say & do as i am coming back into consciousness because i think my base thoughts & emotions are not things that i would want mom to hear. 

- i am relearning dr. gradus & here is a section that i played today. ngl i practiced just these measures for the video but also i am rly beginning to string the piece together.