so he just casually dropped that on stream 😌🤍

so i finished queer as folk

SO. look did i need to put off the ending for a month? no. did the last season have some weird fucking moments? yes. BUT THIS SHOW.

ok so basically like. s1 has some kind of magic where i HAD to watch it. it's been so long since i fell for a ship and a character the way i have for brian and justin. this show has been really important to me. i mostly identify as bisexual but kind of. just want to use the word queer but i'm still going to use both. which i was leaning toward anyway but this show helped me articulate it.

BRIAN KINNEY. you reminded me there is space for me. i'm queer. it doesn't matter if i never date anyone. i have a community. but it doesn't matter if it's not an outward aspect of my day to day life. it's there. i get to have it. it's mine. it's a part of me no matter what. he was unapologetic. he was himself. he was masculine. he was sexy. he was fucked up. he loved his family. he was so many things in one. he was a queer man on screen who got to be all those things. he wasn't a perfect watered down version of representation. he was so important for the time period but honestly even know in increasingly conservertive times. we got to have this character who said fuck them. fuck the straights. im queer. im going to live however i fucking want. CAN YOU JUST. LIKE HE REMINDED ME I CAN HAVE THAT LIFE TOO. brian kinney i love you. ALSO helped me think about sometimes switching up gender expression. i just can't explain to you how important he's been for me. i will love him forever.

and justin. my baby. i love him. love that everyone calls him sunshine because he's just radiant and beautiful but also you know what? he was a little shit sometimes. and i love that for him. i love that he always believed in his and brian's love and he wasn't ever afraid to say it. even when brian didn't say it back (until he did)

their relationship was honestly like. unconditional love. i'll love you if you leave me. i'll love you if you don't love me back. i love you enough to let you love someone else if that's what makes you happy. i love you enough to leave you. i saved your life over and over and you saved mine. you're the only person i've said i love you to in 20 years. like their growth.

and re: the ending. they definitely end up together. i mean i don't know how they wouldn't. i don't think anyone else would ever measure up. i think they would always just naturally gravitate back to each other and figure out a way to be together. once justin gets famous enough to paint from anywhere. it makes me sad that we didn't get to see it. but i know in my heart they're married somewhere. im sure i have more thoughts but this is just my incoherent initial thoughts.

ps. emmett honeycutt i adore you. ted you're ok. mel and linds, i wish these people knew how to write women better (mel you're a real one), ben, you are an angel on earth. debbie, daphne and jennifer, you're the true mvps of the show. michael, you can fucking choke.

Hello! I'm sorry for dumping this on you but I recently realised I was transhet and have been trying to find people to talk about it to but it's been super difficult on finding communities or resources on it (googling transhet guys and how do I know I'm transhet has yielded no results) but I can across your blog that seemed to help transmascs a lot and was wondering if you can help guide me a bit? 1/?

I identified as a non-binary bi up until recently and I never felt like I lived up to the label because I was never able to relate to 'gay culture' or gay stuff my friends were into and it made me feel miserable because I felt like I was never 'queer' enough and as a result I would end up having episodes crying in bed and feeling like a fraud going into deep deep spirals about how I didn't belong.

It didn't help that the LGBT community kept on demonizing straight people either but I always gravitated more towards m/f content than gay content.  It was only last week when I realised that the term transhet fit me more but I still feel miserable for not being 'queer' enough because I still have so trauma and discomfort for not being able to fit in with my other queer friends or relate to them at all. I've been trying to find spaces for people like me with no luck...

I don't think I'm ever going to come out irl publically because I know my family would probably want me dead if I did so I'm planning to just stealth as a cishet girl for the rest of my life but I feel so bad for my future husband... I'm really not sure what to do. I also think I would never be able to 'live up' to the label similarly to how I felt as a bi non-binary (though transhet gives me more euphoria) thank you for listening and I hope it wasn't too much of a bother!

Oh hey, this isn’t transhet-specific, but this article by a trans woman who decided never to come out honestly made me feel a lot of Feelings about folks who choose to remain closeted. It’s compassionate and wonderful, and it may be nice just to know you’re not alone.

I don’t have specific resources for you; unfortunately the straight trans/transhet community is not super organized, as you said. But maybe some of my followers know of transhet public figures or community spaces they can point you toward?

You may also try looking into trans Discord servers listed on Disboard. They can be pretty hit-or-miss, but if you find a server you like, you might be able to find more folks like you that you can relate to.

I really feel for transhet struggles, too. The vast majority of mainstream transphobia is designed to target straight trans people specifically, and the queer community really overlooks that in its prioritization of specifically the gay & lesbian communities.

Good luck!! I know it’s tough and I know I also don’t really talk about transhet issues here (being gay myself), but I hope you know I’m on your side & rooting for you.

How David Bowie Articulated my Gender Envy/ Dysphoria

Boys Keep Swinging is a song by David Bowie that I feel a strong connection to. At it's core, it is a celebration of what it feels like to experience boyhood and also a critique of patriarchy and toxic masculinity. Speaking specifically, lines like "You’re always first on the line" and "You can wear a uniform" are both positive and negative. Boys are given the opportunity to take on hard jobs like being a part of the military which is a privilege that women don’t have, but they are also pushed to even if they don't want too.

I connect with this because I think the reason I feel connected to masculinity stems from my experiences with misogyny. I am tired of my femininity being perceived as inherently sexual (The phrase "I wish I was feminine the way boys are" is a common one now, and I relate to it immensely. Many have pointed out that this idea is probably at least partly rooted in how everything feminine is often sexualized). I feel body dysphoria because I've been shamed for being flat-chested from an early age, yet bigger boobs are often something to gape at and sexualize. I think the gender euphoria I experience from being called a boy stems from my experiences with misogyny, and I don't think that makes the transgender in me any less valid. It's just the psychological reason behind it.

(Songs like Brutus by The Buttress looks at this kind of gender envy motivated by misogyny in a different direction and I would recommend checking it out "I don't want what you have, I wanna BE you,")

There are also some obvious queer undertones to the song and music video. "Other boys check you out", "Uncage the colors, unfurl the flag", and David in drag as his own backup singers in the music video.

That leads me to the music video

David Bowie appears as three different dragsonas in this music video. I interpret this as telling the viewer that "my gender expression does not define my gender" and is also obviously a big “screw you" to gender norms and the norms of masculinity in particular. When Bowie rips off his drag, he is revealing that he is still a masculine being because he is man. His rejection of norms does not make him any less in touch with his manhood. 

This is validating to me as someone who feels in touch with masculine labels yet naturally gravitates towards things that are traditionally deemed more feminine. Masculinity and femininity are social constructs. Bowie affirms that I can enjoy being called a boy and still love wearing dresses and makeup, he tells the viewer that those don’t contradict each other. 

David Bowie was possibly the first person I ever felt gender envy towards, and in addition he created a song that I consider an afab trans anthem. Bowie paved the way for so many queer folks and those who do not fit convention. He’s affirmed so many and gave so much of himself. Thanks, Bowie. RIP, Blackstar. 

long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

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There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE. 

hey man, do you have any advice about how to make friends in fandom? a huge problem ive been having is that fandom is TOO big now and its hard to build friendships from huge fandoms.

It can be tough, Anon. Especially since COVID has currently put a hold on real-life meetups at conventions (which is how I’ve made a lot of fandom pals).

Online, I lurk a lot at first, to get a feel for where socializing happens, what drama to avoid, etc.

To make friends, I look for niche communities. A fandom on its own is almost always too broad to really connect with someone after you’ve exhausted the intro conversations about favorite characters.

Me, I usually gravitate towards cosplayers and queer folks. You may be drawn to the fanfic writers, the RP blogs, the meta commentators, the artists, the shit-posters, the content curators, etc.

I also just... try to put myself out there. I have learned to not be self-conscious of my special brand of hyper-focus within a fandom. Often-times, that has attracted someone of a similar bent who is like, “thank God, someone else with my special interests I can talk to!”

So, if you see someone who makes/reblogs content you really enjoy, follow them and leave nice notes and see how they respond! Try sending an Ask about a headcanon or something they’re working on.

Be open to friendship this way, but also be open to the possibility the other person may not want or be able to reciprocate. Especially on sites like Twitter and Instagram (and yes, Tumblr) where the whole one-way “parasocial relationship” thing happens too easily. So, I find it really helps to look for places where real-time conversation happens, such as Discord. There’s nothing like chatting to make friendships blossom.

Making friends can be hard and it’s important not to force it. Put yourself out there, look for niche communities, and see what happens organically!

Edit: I also wanna say -- Don’t stress about being The Cool One or The Clever One or The Creative One in a fandom. Just like in any friendship, odds are you’ll be far more embraced for simply being kind. :3

I hope this does not come off as rude and if it does I am sorry. are you a fujoshi? I wish t read your writing, I just must be careful of certain people who fetish men. I have heard it is good though. Thank you for your time. Sorry for English it is not first language.

Thank you for your message, anon. It’s not rude at all, you’re welcome to ask. And sorry if this reply comes as a bit stern. This is rather personal to me, heheheh.

The thing is, I do read yaoi. But that doesn’t mean everybody who reads and enjoys yaoi fetishizes men in their own writings or other works. 

For example, my writer friend identifies as fujoshi,  but her main priority is presenting a story that attempts to also educate m|m shippers on the struggles of queer people and how they overcome their problems, just as straight people try to overcome their relationship problems. (In case you’re wondering, she’s bisexual and sort of acts a godmother to a lot of queer folks in campus and her online friends).

As for me, I’m very critical of everything I read, including yaoi. I know works that are simply there for fantasy and fetishizing (I would NOT recommend these titles to anyone hwhwhwh) and those that do attempt to capture the experiences of queer people. I definitely gravitate towards the latter. 

If you want to read my writings, I’d say go for it! Not to toot my own horn, but I’m definitely more on the emotional side of m|m with lots of hurt/comfort and angst, and some feel-good pieces in-between. 

I also like inserting really weird and half-assed philosophical contemplation (if you’re into that sort of thing) and snippets of personal experiences thrown in for good measure. I also check in frequently with the friend I mentioned above to make sure if I handle sensitive issues well.

I do write smut, but I’m always careful to mark them as such. Try browsing through my masterlist and see if there’s anything you like! 

What is your Queer Root/what were your early sparks of “I’m not like the other children”?

hi friend!! thank you for this!! 

i really had no idea about my queerness when i was young-- didn’t realize it until it truly jumped out and whacked me over the head in my early 20s --but looking back there’s so much that would’ve flagged for me if i had more queer folks in my life. 

first off i found guys pretty repugnant even when i was at my most interested in them, and could always find 10 things wrong with any guy i spent regular time with (all my deep crushes besides one were on guys who didn’t live in my town, lmao). i was very invested in gay rights and very open about it; i remember going around in a church youth setting with all of us saying what we wanted to pray for and mine was for people to open their hearts and minds to gay ppl and welcome them openly without expecting them to change. GOSH, why did ppl think i was gay??? I DO NOT KNOW?!

i also joined the queer youth group with my bff “as an ally” in spite of being the only ally in the group. and then went to college and immediately gravitated toward the queer kids, which granted was pretty easy since i was at a women’s college, but there were plenty of het girls i could’ve befriended and i really didn’t. 

also when i look at pics of me as a kid i’m just like. that child is GAY! a small dyke child with a gay face and homo vibes absolutely pouring out!!! if i had seen more lesbians in my early life or if i had actually known about my gay family members i feel like i might’ve had a chance of figuring myself out sooner.(my grandmother’s brother was a gay man who was killed during a robbery in NYC in 1969, a few months before stonewall; it’s possible he was just unlucky and was robbed and killed bc he was an easy target, but what i know of the story tracks with him walking home from a club/bar late at night. i didn’t learn this til i was like 24 or so and my grandmother had already died. she was VERY close with her brother, and not getting the chance to know about him hurts so much. it’s very likely he wouldn’t have made it through the AIDS crisis, though-- the last bf he had before being killed was a kind of big theater person and died of AIDS in the late 80s i think)

Queer people who took time coming to terms with our identities know the dance of avoiding definitive terms and labels. We know what it can look like when someone is a baby queer in waiting; we certainly understand what it’s like trying to figure out how to exist both authentically and safely in the world, calculating the risks of being your true self, and why that waiting period exists—and, for some, never really ends. This process of coming to terms and coming out, however, poses different challenges and has specific implications when you’re a celebrity. Some celebrities—especially those with teen fanbases, like Shawn Mendes or Taylor Swift—are no strangers to being pinned as queer icons because of their presentation, language, or even the friendships they have, despite not being out as queer. However, figures like Mendes or Swift are known for vehemently pushing away from any narrative defining them explicitly queer. Other celebrities, like Harry Styles, have strongly leaned into queerness—or at the very least, embraced being coded as queer.

Look up “Harry Styles queer” on Google and you’ll get a range of headlines from “We need to talk about why Harry Styles is a lesbian icon” to “Harry Style’s New Music Video is Extremely Bisexual.” Styles often dons floral suits and a more stereotypically feminine demeanor alongside lyrics like ones from his song “Medicine,” which are unmistakably bisexual: “The boys and the girls are here/ I mess around with him/ And I’m okay with it.” Recently, Styles announced a tour with artists similarly dubbed queer icons, Jenny Lewis and King Princess, a musical setup that seems like it was made in heaven for queer fans. On his new Saturday Night Live appearance, Styles played a sexually ambiguous character in the Sara Lee sketch, referencing being thirsty for men, almost locking in his “brand” of queerness yet again. In October 2019, Styles’s single “Lights Up” was also deemed a bisexual anthem by certain members of the queer community, especially as the corresponding music video shows a nearly naked Styles surrounded by people of all genders who are touching and carressing his body.

In a 2019 interview with Rolling Stone, he explained why he often dons rainbow flags on stage at his concerts and why he’s been so vocal about supporting queer people. “Everyone in that room is on the same page and everyone knows what I stand for. I’m not saying I understand how it feels. I’m just trying to say, ‘I see you.’” At this point, Styles isn’t new to curiosity surrounding his sexuality. Throughout his time with One Direction, rumors about his sexuality swirled, as he had a close relationship with bandmate Louis Tomlinson. The relationship became a hot topic, and one hugely obsessed over in fan and fanfiction communities. In a 2017 interview with The Sun, while discussing the way that celebrity sexuality is constantly questioned, he said, “It’s weird for me—everyone should just be who they want to be. It’s tough to justify somebody having to answer to someone else about stuff like that … I don’t feel like it’s something I’ve ever felt like I have to explain about myself.” At his final show for his tour in Glasgow in 2018, Styles announced onstage, “We’re all a little bit gay.”

For much of his career, it’s almost seemed like his fanbase is rooting for his queerness. One reason that online communities seem to be so obsessed with queer-adjacent celebrities like Styles is that they normalize queerness, making it feel more accessible. “If they were to come out, it would be a huge benefit to LGBTQ visibility in the media, and a lot of people in the LGBTQ community would love to have a celebrity of that stature on ‘their’ side,” Ash, a bisexual woman, told me. But Styles doesn’t actually claim queerness just because many fans, queer and otherwise, have hoped that he’ll one day do so explicitly. “Can straight people be queer?” asked a 2016 Vice article about the impact of the term’s increasingly broad application. The fact is that cis, straight people can’t be queer—so what does that mean when queer communities tout artists like Styles or Swift as part of our culture?

At some points in history, having these kinds of allies for the community who are not queer themselves, like Lil’ Kim, who has advocated for gay men and against homophobia in the rap community since the early 2000s, has been monumental. Queer audiences of yesteryears also gravitated toward performers like Dolly Parton who didn’t have to be queer themselves because they were accepting and loving toward all, and used their platform to normalize and uplift the queer communities that have celebrated them. In this day and age, however, expectations of performers have heightened. Unlike other celebrities dubbed “queer icons” who happen to be straight, including Madonna, Janet Jackson, or Parton, the fanbases of artists like Styles’s skew younger. And younger audiences don’t just want performers who see and welcome them. They want performers who are them—artists who understand the queer experience because they are queer, and they’re here to reflect audiences back to themselves.

So why the critique if there are seemingly so many positives to any representation or acceptance? It’s not that Styles, or any celebrity or public figure for that matter, owes us any information about their sexualities. On one hand, simply by existing in such a public manner, these celebrities offer a sliver of hope that there might be someone just like us navigating the world of queerness and identity. Celebrities like Styles or Swift—who has made use of queer aesthetics herself, and whose friendship with model Karlie Kloss has been the subject of rumors—remind us of who we were when we navigated our queerness more subtly before we were ready to explicitly tell someone close to us, or our resident queer community. Entertainers like Jackson or Parton became queer icons because they embraced queer fans during a closeted time, and perhaps it felt okay to have acceptance without representation. It was clear the performers weren’t trying to be queer. On the other hand, with Styles or Swift, the lines are blurred, and it’s unclear whether they’re trying to say they’re one of us or merely accept queer fans while borrowing from the culture to fit in and create a brand.

“I think it’s important for white queer folks to interrogate the whiteness of their queer idols, and work to understand why they feel more inclined to celebrate the visible queerness of one artist over another.”

There’s often a concern that celebrities are co-opting queerness as a marketing ploy. With the long history of queerbaiting (using the possibility of or undertones of queerness to gain favorability with queer people) in popular culture, there’s a certain level of disingenuousness to letting the bait and switch go on with minimal critique. The kind of support and lauding that celebrities like Styles receive for more playful expression and experimentation is not always present for queer people of color like Syd (formerly of The Internet), Alok Vaid-Menon, or Big Freedia. When she sees mostly white, thin, able-bodied figures with “queer energy” centered as icons in the queer community as opposed to queer people of color, Olivia Zayas Ryan, a queer woman, wonders why. “If you’re showing up for a pretty white boy in a tutu, where are you when Black and brown queer folks are vilified, ridiculed, and worse?” she told me. “If you are excited and feel seen when queer aesthetics are in the mainstream, what are you doing to honor, protect, and recognize the folks who created them? I think it’s important for white queer folks to interrogate the whiteness of their queer idols, and work to understand why they feel more inclined to celebrate the visible queerness of one artist over another.”

Conversation around both queerbaiting and our curiosity about celebrity queerness is an ongoing and complicated one. For example, there are theorists who have posited that Kurt Cobain was a closeted trans woman. “Many transgender women see themselves in his shaggy hair, his penchant for nail polish and dresses, and his struggles with depression,” Gillian Branstetter, a transgender advocate and writer, told me. Cobain’s fascination with pregnancy (“In Utero”) and his distaste for masculinity (“In Bloom”), as well as his partner Courtney Love’s references to having a more fluid lover (“He had ribbons in his hair/ And lipstick was everywhere/ You look good in my dress”) stoked this interest in his sexuality and presentation. “It sounds very familiar to trans women whose own relationship with masculinity and femininity was often expressed in coded ways before they came out,” says Branstetter. Styles, who like Cobain shows disinterest in conforming to a traditionally masculine rock-star presentation, seems to spark the same interest in fans from the queer community.

With our investment in Styles or other celebrities who are likely straight but exude “queer energy,” it feels as if we’re looking for a mirror of ourselves, seeking to claim the most popular public figures as our own, and in turn feel more normal and accepted. Perhaps our obsession with artists like Styles comes down to the excitement of feeling visible—but what do fans of potentially straight queer icons like Styles actually want? Can we thread the needle between feeling seen and normalized in our queerness while also feeling the imbalance between Styles’s privilege and the most marginalized people in the queer community’s lived experiences? Ultimately, it’s queer fans who get to decide if Styles’s kind of allyship and solidarity with the queer community is enough, or if it’s begun to give off the all-too-familiar stink of disingenuous baiting.

Running with Lions

Running with Lions is a YA contemporary written by Julian Winters. It follows Sebastian, a senior in high school, and the Bloomington High School Star Goalie, during his last summer at camp. Sebastian is determined to make this his best year, before the team drifts apart to college and an uncertain future, but when his estranged childhood friend Emir Shah shows up to camp, things get complicated. Two things before we start. Nb. 1: I love football. It’s my favorite sport, You Will Never Walk Alone. Nb. 2: It’s football, not soccer. If you disagree... I don't think we can be friends. I picked this book up, completely at random; I saw that it’s queer, and revolves around football, and after Real’s disaster game last night (wow this review is either going to be immediately dated, or hilariously relevant) I needed something fun to pick me up. And boy, this book delivered. It’s exactly what you think it will be; a fun, summer romance between two boys at football camp, with all the corniness and cheese that come from these books. For the most part, I think this book was executed well; there were some flaws, and I think we should start with those, because I want to recommend it, so let me get the negative out of the way first. This is Winters’ debut novel, and it definitely reads like one. The biggest problem is the writing; the first two chapters especially, were a pretty bad start. It’s never good when a book opens with a mother fussing about her child who’s off to something, whether it be college or camp; the opening here reminded me of the opening of Afterby Anna Todd, and that’s never a good start. To make matters worse, the book is written in present tense: Sebastian grins at his mom from the bottom step, so it makes all the flaws in the writing that much more apparent, like they way the characters talk (”Are you certain you packed everything?”) or the way things are described (Sebastian rolls his pale brown eyes; Sebastian groans, unable to hide how mortified he is). I’m confident with time, Winters’ writing will improve dramatically; it even does so by the very end of the book. The sentences become a lot less clunky, and it seems to more time he spent with his characters, the better his grip on the way they speak got, so I had no problem distinguishing their personalities through the dialogue alone, by the end. I know the start of the novel is a bit clunky, but I found it worth to push through to get to the story which was very good. To start off with, I enjoyed all the practice related nonsense. It’s clear to me that the author either played football or did his research, because the way practice was conducted and described, felt pretty genuine to me. There’s not too much about the team actually practicing strategies, and the bulk of the novel takes place off the pitch, but it was still fun to read about practice, and watch Sebastian teach Emir how to dribble, how to pass, how to block, etc. I liked a lot of the arguments about what players are better, what teams are better, the discussion about the different positions on the team, and my absolute favorite activity: making fun of the strikers. It’s ok, their egos deserve it. The other thing I really liked about this book were the discussions of queerness, masculinity and body image. Our lead, Sebastian was fat when he was a child, but lost a lot of weight due to puberty and starting to play football. He still carries a lot of the shame and insecurities for his body however, which is normal, but rarely presented in media, especially media that centers men. I know boys struggle with body image too, and it was really nice to see a main character who went through a drastic body change and still feels insecure. One of my favorite scenes was the scene where Emir catches Sebastian looking at himself in the mirror and they have a really positive discussion (well it’s mostly Emir talking at Sebastian) about bodies, and men being beautiful. That line men can be beautiful, girls can be handsome is echoed throughout the book; it’s a look at being a teenage boy, and some of the pressures teenage boys deal with. The book discusses who you want to be, who your role models are, what are acceptable and healthy ways to express emotions, all the things that broadly fall under toxic masculinity. It’s a very positive message, and I really appreciated that it was delivered like this, where I can plausibly see teenage boys reading it and feeling not like someone is preaching, but rather talking to them about these things. Queerness is a big part of the book too; characters identify as anything from questioning, to bi to gay, and the environment of the camp is very accepting. There’s talk about acceptance in the industry, in other schools, and even between teammates. As Sebastian is bi, he struggles a lot with feeling accepted and comfortable sharing his love life with his friends, even though he’s already out. I related a lot to that; being out isn’t always the same as being visible, and as I feel a lot of bi people will agree, pursuing a relationship with someone of the same gender can feel a lot like coming out a second time. As for the romance itself, I found it at times frustrating at times sickeningly cute. It’s messy and complicated, as romance tends to be between confused, horny teenagers, and as such there were a lot of scenes, especially at the start of the book where I wanted to jump out of my skin due to secondhand embarrassment. It doesn’t help that at the start, Sebastian and Emir are in really bad relations with each other, as Emir is even needlessly hostile and defensive around everyone, but especially Sebastian. The explanations why are all very understandable, but I liked too that Sebastian at several point in the book points out that sometimes you have to give people a chance to show you they can be better. It’s a tough line to walk; as Emir is English, brown and Muslim, there’s a lot of really horrific bullying involved, especially concerning his religion and skin color, and I’m always weary of messages that aim to tell marginalized folks to give people a chance, if those same people were involved in or perpetuated the bullying. But I think the book did a great job of showing that most of the boys are not against Emir because of any racial or religious issues, and that a lot of their prejudice comes from ignorance, rather than malice. Let’s quickly go over some of the characters. Grey is the one girl in the group, the coach’s step-daughter. She’s a great player herself, but for reasons that are never explained in the book, she doesn’t want to play on the girl’s team. I liked her a lot, and I found her presence refreshing in the sea of testosterone, though I must say she doesn’t really escape the “not like other girls trope” which kind of irked me, especially because her presence isn’t too relevant for the plot. Hunter is one of the other players, who I liked but I found a bit bland. He gets a good scene with Sebastian towards the end of the book, but for the most part he didn’t stand out much, other than being nice. Mason is the striker on the team, and I liked him and hated him in equal measure. He can be a real asshole, and I liked that the book didn’t shy away from showing that to the readers. His subplot about being more or less bullied into liking Grey was funny, but mostly it’s there for one scene where he realizes what his behavior could lead into. Will is Sebastian’s other friend, and I actually wish he was in the book more. He’s the friendly guy, the one who’s on good terms with everyone, and everyone likes. There’s some unrequited feelings with him, but what I found most interesting was that, in spite of being a great defensive player that could go pro, because of a knee injury his dreams are essentially shot. On the one hand I liked that he took this rather well, but on the other I wish we had gotten more time to really explore what something like that would do to him as person. Emir was an interesting and complex love interest. I ended up relating to him a lot more than I did Sebastian, mostly because I tend to gravitate more towards characters that mask their shyness and anxiety with anger, like he does. I liked that he was a Muslim character who is openly gay, while also still practicing his religion. The one thing that bothered me about him, was more a product of the writing; I found it hard to believe that he and Sebastian being inseparable for years would require him to explain basic things like what prayer mats are, what Abbu or Inshallah mean. Sebastian as a lead was again, sometimes infuriating, sometimes endearing. He is a ball of anxieties, insecurities and hormones. He has this really annoying tendency to think about sex and Emir’s body in really inopportune moments, which is annoying in female led YA, and is annoying here. He’s also a bit of the stereotypical good guy, who is always breaking up fights, playing peacemaker and everyone’s dad. I liked that he got to relax and do some selfish things, and his confession at the end bordered on the ridiculously implausible, but for the most part, he was a good lead. Also, who doesn’t like a goalie (Well me, with Neuer, but that’s a story for another day). If you are looking for a cute queer romance, and football, then this is the book for you. It’s short, it’s sweet and it packs a surprising punch; I highly recommend.

goodreads

The M/M Shipping Thing: Misogyny, the Male Gaze, and Feminist and Queer Representation

Follow up post to this one, here. Read this to see my thoughts on the importance of allowing women to see men through a lens where male sexuality is something to be celebrated, not feared. Seems like a lot of people can relate to this, and I just love talking about it so have some more of my thoughts.

First of all, it’s a numbers game…

Going off of this point by @colt-kun which I’ve copied and pasted here. This gives a great overview of a purely statistical analysis of why m/m ships are more common.  

“There’s also the sheer numbers to take into account.

Take the first Avengers movie as an example (because frankly its one of the few recent blockbusters with two female speaking roles). Two females, Black Widow and Maria. Then eight males, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Hawkeye, Hulk, Loki, Fury, Coulson.

Not counting polyships/selfships for ease of math, and using the characters cisgender identities bc that is what they are largely seen as (no disrespect meant to any trans/nb interpretations)

Possible f/m ships: 16 (35.5%) Possible f/f ships: 1 (2.2%) Possible m/m ships: 28 (62.2%)

That’s not even accounting for screentime, character chemistry, interaction times, etc. thats just the NUMBERS.

When there’s a large disparity in character gender then yeah, you’re going to see a heavy inclination to m/m ships because that’s really ALL THATS POSSIBLE. The fans have a natural desire for more story and romances, they want to world build and AU. We’ve done that since stories were first told.

So of COURSE you’re going to see a lot of women - of all sexual orientations - leaning towards m/m pairings because when there’s only potatoes at the buffet… you eat the potatoes. Think of all the shows an movies with only one female character in a cast of men. Is it really difficult to see WHY there’s a lot of m/m ships there?”

Mainstream media is male-centered and male-dominated.

Going beyond just the numbers the fact is that in the majority of popular films and TV shows many of the female characters aren’t well-rounded or on screen as much as most of the men. There is a tendency for women to be the secondary characters or maybe to have one main female character. This makes it hard to really relate to and invest in a lot of the female characters out there. Not that people don’t, but it’s not going to attract a huge following.

Take Supernatural (low hanging fruit I know) where even if there are a large number of women that appear throughout the series, there aren’t many that stick around(and let’s not even go there with all of the deaths and how sexist that is right now ha)or interact with each other in a way that would lead to a lot of shipping. Even in my lovely Hannibal fandom, the Marlana ship which people love and people write for just isn’t going to have as much of a following just based on the fact that they aren’t the main characters. And Marlana is a good example of a w/w ship where they aren’t objectified, don’t die, and still it’s a secondary focus. There obviously are some exceptions, but they are few and far between.

The Male Gaze:

Also, women (and any gender that isn’t cismale) are trained to see film through the male perspective. Film and TV is usually shot with the male gaze, so women learn to see through this lens. We grow up learning to empathize and put ourselves in the shoes of male protagonists because otherwise we would have very little media to enjoy. I think this is part of why it’s natural for women to ship m/m ships. I also think that shipping men and sexualizing them can be a subversion of the male gaze and is an empowering way to flip that script for many women.

We could go into a whole other discussion on internalized misogyny and patriarchal culture and why there are some not so great reasons women might gravitate towards m/m ships, but I think it’s important to see all the reasons why this is and to not demonize women for doing something that makes sense both statistically, sociologically, and psychologically, etc.

Men rarely have to put themselves in the shoes of women in film. So, I do feel like there is a difference between straight dudes watching lesbian porn and women who thoughtfully engage in a m/m ship. You can’t ignore the gender politics at play and how these factors interact. In an ideal world, people of all genders and sexualities could enjoy bodies without all the baggage of sexism and homophobia, but sadly that’s not our world.

This famous, awesome thread really sums it up:

Disclaimer:

I do think there are women who fetishize and act awful when it comes to m/m ships. (I also realize there are lots of other intersections at work in film such as race and class that I’m not really addressing.) Especially those who don’t do any of the emotional or intellectual work around the history of the queer community and who don’t engage in activism of that sort. Plus, if you are a straight woman who loves and supports gay male ships but you’re grossed out by queer women or you’re objectifying actual queer men in your life, it’s time to check yourself and stop that.

Homoerotic Subtext:

Also, women, and queer people across the board, have been trained to read subtextual clues like pros. Women are especially adept at reading into stories since they are so rarely represented in positive ways. Queer people do this, too. It makes sense that women, especially queer women, would pick up on interactions that have homoerotic subtext easily. And, since film is male dominated, it is much more likely the subtext will be between two men. Also, let’s just face it, the history of film is male centered and homo eroticism is a big part of it, and it’s usually about good looking white dudes. The LGBT community itself still has a long way to go in portraying and magnifying people of all genders and sexualities more equally.

The weight of the male gaze on queer women.

There’s also the problem of objectification. I like to write, read, and see fan art about w/w ships, but there’s always that weight of feeling like you’re objectifying women all over again and feeling unsure about it. Honestly, I think that many of us in fandom should probably do what we can to write more femslash and write original queer female characters, but there are a lot of reasons why these ships aren’t as popular as m/m ships. There’s a lot of baggage around portraying women and female sexuality. And lesbian sex is so objectified that it can be a minefield to navigate even when(once in a blue moon) a good f/f ship opportunity comes along. But, even with that, there are some thriving ships such as Korrasami and Clexa(oh look another queer woman is dead. This is why we can’t have nice things). Queer women do celebrate and create fandom around good w/w ships when we get the chance. 

Misogyny and Mocking Fandom:

Lastly, and I’ve read lots on this before so this is just my take, people tend to demonize fandom and m/m shipping because it is something that is driven by women, mainly made by women, and made mostly for other women (and nonbinary folks, too).

Even in the LGBT+ community, there is a lot of misogyny. Cis gay white men are the face of that movement, and they often don’t realize the sexism that is still alive and well in the community. It’s easy for people to laugh at, mock, and critique shipping because it is very much a space not created by men. I also think it’s easy for some privileged gay men to point out perceived injustice but not realize the sexism inherent in what they are saying.

Fandom is very much a place where women explore their sexuality and can enjoy seeing men being acted upon, not just being the actors. It’s no surprise that women are intrigued by the sexual politics of queer men given the messages about being penetrated and being acted on that women get all the time. Analyzing sexual dynamics through a m/m relationship makes a lot of sense psychologically as it isn’t tied to a male/female gender dynamic in the same way. I think it’s a very natural way for women to see sexuality , and things like dominance and submission, as a personal preference and the beauty and excitement of different ways of expressing sexuality.

People like to enjoy women’s work while also mocking it.

Also, I know many queer men who enjoy m/m smut, fan art, etc. from fandoms where I’m sure that 90 percent of the work is being produced by people who aren’t cisgay men, and are very likely people who identify as women. So, while I know that some queer men are cool with it and some aren’t cool with it, I think it’s important to keep in mind that many of them are benefiting and enjoying from the work that female driven fandom is creating.

In conclusion:

Once again, it’s important to not be a homophobic, fetishizing, clueless person. I see instances of problematic behavior and thinking among women who ship men together often, and it’s a problem and needs to be called out when it happens. But, for all that is holy, stop acting like all of these women are gross, homophobic fetishizers and look at all the reasons why m/m shipping is such a phenomenon. I always think being self-critical and analytical is important. It’s also good to listen to different perspectives because these are intersectional issues with valid discussions to be had.

Sorry this was so long. I really could go on and on, and this is what happens when I miss writing feminist/queer theory papers. ;)

Oluchi - September 13th, 2018

Me: How do you identify? Oluchi: So, to go down the list. I identify as a nonbinary, Ibo, Person. I use any pronouns. So with me, I understand the fluidity of gender. As it is. I actually don't care what gender pronouns people use for me. I do prefer people to switch it up just to validate all of my gender, not just an aspect that you want to see and want to gravitate towards. As far as my sexuality, I identify as Queer. Meaning, that I find love and sexual attraction to any gender or expression. I also identify romantically as a Queer romantic person. I find relationships with any type of person. My Ibo identity is obviously the culture that my parents grew up in and my ancestors are from. So I have the privilege of knowing what tribe I'm from. Which has given me a lot of validity in my identity. I like who I am as a person but [my identity] has also caused a lot of turmoil. Because of the imperialization of Africa, a lot of my ancestral religion is gone. And my parents don't even know what it is and my grandparents are now dead. Like, they wouldn't even know what it is. So that's been stripped away from me and now the only thing that I have is Christianity, which isn't what my ancestors practiced.

Me: Can you talk a little more about that feeling of 'turmoil'? I'm interested in the dynamic of how you identify with all of your identities, how they intersect, etc. Oluchi: Yeah. So are you saying when I was talking about my name or..? Me: That could fall into it, but more about your cultural identity...you know, like, no purer way of understanding that without the filtering of your family's heritage and lineage that have shaped their lives and how it's shaped you - does that make sense? Oluchi: Yeah. So, growing up, especially because I grew up in the suburbs of Minnesota, there was not a lot of diversity other than white folks. But when my parents emigrated here, they actually made a community organization, a non-profit, of all Ibo people whose specific vision and mission is to foster and uplift the Ibo culture in Minnesota. So when I was younger, I had a very very deep sense of who I was, ethnically. I knew all of our practices, I could speak the language, I was around Nigerian people and Ibo people specifically all of my life. Those are people that I would say that are "my cousins" which are not actually my cousins. But just because we grew up together in this very intentional community, I always had a sense of that piece of me. But because of the imperialization in Africa and just the widespread use of homophobia in Africa, I have had to suppress a lot of my gender and sexual identity to validate my ethnic identity as it stood in Minnesota. Also not knowing history because white people know how to erase history from different cultures. I never knew that my ancestors actually validated Queer people and Trans people and gender nonconforming folks and all I knew was just a Christian, tainted view of what my people were. How people say “African people are super homophobic" and all of these things that were brainwashed into me, made me kind of question my ethnic identity and wish I was a different ethnic identity. But then it made me question what my sexual and gender identity were because if I was Ibo, then there's no way that I could be gay or there's no way I could be gender nonconforming and nonbinary.  That caused a lot of tension. Just thinking about why aren't my ethnic identities or my sexual and gender identity matching up. But through the work that I've been doing and the people that I've met, I've been really validated in knowing that this is who I was supposed to be. This is actually magic where I come from. These are special people.  Me: What does 'Queer' mean to you? And do you think there is a mainstream definition for the term?  Oluchi: Queer is the appreciation and ability to find beauty and attraction in any human being on this planet regardless of their identity and expression. The one thing that I've learned over the years - even throughout being in the LGBTQ+ community, whatever that means - is that expression does not equate to identity. Right? So, how you express yourself, or how you behave, does not necessarily equate to who you identify as. That works for ethnic identity, but then we get into the cultural appropriation piece that can also include gender identity. So when we talk about gender expression versus gender identity, someone that expresses super masculinely, but still identifies in a feminine way, or identifies as a woman - quote, unquote - if you want to use our current society structure of what gender is. It works for sexual identity and spheres of sexual behavior. Which means that someone's sexual behavior does not actually lead to sexual attraction. And that could be for many different reasons. As far as my definition of what Queer means, Queer is actually how I define myself in respect to my gender and my sexuality. And I think that within the LGBTQ+ and the mainstream community, Queer has a couple different connotations. To the main, straight, cis, population, I think they don't really understand what Queer means. They either believe that it's a derogatory term or think that it's what the kids use nowadays. And within the LGBT community, I think what we've done - and try to do - is kind of use Queer as an umbrella term so that someone can give their own definition of what their sexuality is. Queerness is more than just a sexual and gender identity. It's also how are we talking about consent, how are we talking about gender roles, not just gender identity. There's a specific politic that comes into play when you identify as Queer.

Me: You want to talk to that? Oluchi: Yeah. How are we interacting with folks in a way that validates or confirms their autonomy? Even when we're talking about how do we speak to women or some folks that have been conditioned to just say 'hey, I can't take up the space,’ or ‘I have to be this timid or I have to be this quiet or I have to be with people that I'm talking to.' It's really embodying what feminism is. I'm specifically talking about third-wave feminism, speaking about intersectionality and what does it mean to be this specifically intersectional because of the systems of oppression that we have to face.

Oluchi: How are we are we bringing those most at the margins inside, and how are we centering people at the margins? How are we actually being about what it looks like for someone who is a Trans Black woman or someone who is a cis white women? What are the different approaches in the systems of oppression they each sit on and actively working towards dismantling? I think that, for me, it's emotion, right? It's like being Queer is the actions that you're taking to dismantle oppression as well. Me: I'm going to come back to that, Where's your family from and what brought them to Minnesota? Oluchi: My mom was born in Lagos, Nigeria. But her family and all of her side of the family is from a town in the Abia State called Umukabia. It's part of the city of Umuahia. That’s my mom's city and village. How they do it in Nigeria: they have a city, that city has tiny villages in it. The way of the land is you're supposed to marry someone from your city. It's like a King unit. It's actually really cool. It's like a village. The epitome of Ibo culture is that you marry a village girl, you all live in a village together and then it keeps everything internal. My mom's from Umuahia Umukabia, which is a city in Umuahia, which is in the state of Abia State. My dad is from Umuahia I believe, so they're from the same city. So my dad did marry a village girl. But my parents come from and originate from the Imperial State of Nigeria. I would say more so they are from Umuahia and they are Ibo. But if you want to get into colonial, imperialistic terms, they made that country into Nigeria, and Nigeria is comprised of many many many many different tribes. The top three being Housa, Yoruba and Ibo. There's Edo, which is on the Eastern part of Nigeria that's closest to Ibo people, because Ibo people also live on the East Coast. There is Calabar. Which are also on the East Coast and have the same practices as Ibo people do, but they speak a different language. There are many people that I know that are Calabar that I grew up together with and we we're close, but we don't speak the same language. My parents emigrated here in the late [19]80s, early [19]90s. It was really for giving their family a better life. This was a little after the Biafra War. Which was really radical and awesome. And I'm sad that we lost. But they emigrated after like 10 years after the war to come to Minnesota and make a better life for their family. I was born here in the [United] States. In [19]90-something.  Me: And what kept them and you here?  Oluchi: It's funny because my parents always talk about how they want to win the lottery and move back to Nigeria. And I honestly believe that people don't emigrate here because they want to live in America. It’s funny because growing up, that's how it's ingrained in your body. That's how Americans talk. I used to believe that my parents wanted to live here because it was such a great country. Where actually the more that I think about it, my parents always talked about moving back to Nigeria when they got financially stable. And I think there's a couple of things that have happened here. One is that they made a community here that was very intentional and very close knit. Their closest friends are people that live here. So honestly, if Minnesota gave all of the Nigerian people here a billion dollars to leave, they probably would do it as a collective thing. But because of their deep friendships, they’ll probably never want to leave. But my parents always talk about moving back. I've been here because being a Queer Trans person in the current state of Nigeria is not the most safe. So I haven't gone back for a while because of that reason. Yeah. But I think that my parents would move back if they were financially stable enough to.  Me: What do you do for a living?  Oluchi: So I have like 17 different jobs. My full-time paid job is community organizing at a local LBGTQ+ organization called OutFront Minnesota. I also work part-time at the Apple store as a technician. I am also part of a national organization of Queer Black Immigrants called the Black Migrant Project, or BLMP. I'm also on a national training team of movement organizers called Momentum. And I also do work with the Movement For Black Lives (BLM) through the Action Table. And I am also part of the local chapter of the BLM Network called Black Visions Collective (BLVC) where we do local Black-led organizing. Me: And what gives you joy? Oluchi: Giving people joy gives me a lot of joy. I also think making space for folks to validate their identity makes me really happy. So the work that I'm doing with BLMP, that really makes me happy. Winning campaigns for the greater good of society gives me a lot of joy as well. Just being around friends and people that I love and care about. Me: Describe the moment you recognized your true form of self. Oluchi: Yeah. I don't think I even know my true form of self right now to be honest. I think the more that I meet people that share my identities and are at my specific intersection, the more I am more validated in who I am as a person. I never met another Black Queer person until I was about 20 years old. I never met a Black Queer African person until I was 22 years old. I never met a Black Nigerian Queer person until I was like 23. I never met a Black Ibo Queer person until like 24, 25. And I just met my third or fourth Queer Trans Ibo person in my entire. So it's so crucial that representation happens, that it's a real thing that we embody because there are people that sit at so many different intersections that never feel validated in who they are because they don't see that, right? How are we actually doing the work to bring those people in and center them so that their identities can be seen and be recognized by others?

Me: What's it like to be a Queer Trans Ibo Person while working and living in Minnesota today? Oluchi: I mean, I think that I'm the only one who I know. It's interesting because I bring a specific lens to the work that I do. But also because I bring up a specific lens, I feel like I'm tokenized a lot. I think it's hard because I'm never doing work with other people for my specific person. Like, I'm doing it in regards to my person because I think that liberation is an intrinsically intertwined thing. But I'm never doing specifically Queer Trans Ibo work. Or doing work with other Queer Trans Ibo people. So I would say that it's hard to be that [identity while] working and living here. But also it's so special when I find people that share even 5 of the 90 intersections that I have.

Me: And last question. If you could address the most influential public figures and decision-makers in the state right now, what would you say about improving the standard of living for someone like you in Minnesota? Oluchi: Whenever I think about work - I know I'm a very idealistic person being a Leo-Sun/Scorpio-Moon. So for me, it's dismantling ICE, free borders. Giving people asylum from countries that white people have fucked up and are now leaving because white people have fucked up. Granting asylum for any and all Queer and Trans people, no matter where they're from or what their background is. Providing resources for folks that live here that sit at those intersections - meaning housing, food, jobs. Right now, anyone that’s seeking asylum here, it takes them 150 days. If they come to Minnesota and even get inside our borders. Like, they have to wait 150 days to get any type of public assistance as a resident or live in the fucking state for 150 days. And then they have to figure out how they’re going to eat for the next 150 days or how they plan to survive for the next 150 days. It's sad that my parents had to assimilate so much that they've had. Because I can remember that my aunt had to do that. My mom's brother lived with us, my mom's cousin lived with us. My dad's sister lived with us. My grandparents lived with us. And I just think back on it now, my parents never talked to me about things because they didn't want us to have an ill-feeling about the state or the government and held this connotation of what the government is and how much power they have and didn't want us to have to deal with that in a very resistant way. Me: That’s real. Thank you so much!

I received an advanced copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. This review can also be found on my Goodreads as well as my WordPress blog

When I first started looking up 2020 book releases, this book was one of the first ones I saw, and I immediately gravitated toward it. A YA contemporary in which two queer teens set off on an epic summer road trip bound toward Pride? This sounded exactly like the kind of queer novel I’ve always wanted to exist, plus an indie movie that I would instantly watch. So I was immensely thrilled when I got the opportunity to read an early copy of what then became one of my most anticipated reads for 2020. 

Unfortunately, in the end—and it actually pains me to say this—I felt very let down by this novel.

First off: Positive Things!

I loved that this book was essentially a love letter to LGBTQ+ history and why we have Pride today. I absolutely loved Shirley and Babs as characters and what they represented. The older generation who were a part of history when queer folks were not as accepted and needed riots and underground bars in order to carve out a space in the world and make their voices heard. This is a part of history that they feel should never be erased, that the new generation of queer folk should know about. At the same time, they also recognize that the community is constantly changing, and with that so is the language. Shirley and Babs very much represent bridging the gap between the old and young generations of the LGBTQ+ community, as well as reminder that no matter how you identify, the LGBTQ+ community should always feel like family, like a place where you can feel safe and accepted.

My Critiques

I guess my biggest critique in regard to this novel is that I felt I was sold a very different story from the one I actually got. From the synopsis, we’re led to believe this novel centers around a summer road trip to Pride—you need look no further than the cover to see that even it invokes this kind of story. In actuality though, most of the novel takes place at the summer cabin belonging to Mark and Talia’s grandmother, with the first chunk of the story basically consisting of Mark and Talia puttering around the cabin, and Talia constantly getting after Mark for being irresponsible and blowing off his chores. They spend a lot of time at the lake before the roadtrip even enters the story, and when it does it feels like it’s over in a matter of pages. I feel like the roadtrip element of the story was so oversold for this book, and for what we were actually given I couldn’t help but think, Wait, was that… was that the road trip?? Seriously misleading synopsis, seeeerious letdown.

Another issue that kept me from enjoying this book was the fact that...there wasn’t really any one character who I genuinely liked. Neither protagonists, Mark and Talia, are super likable, and I couldn’t quite bring myself to care about either of them as the story went on.

Mark, for one, is a pretty selfish, irresponsible character through the entire novel. He cares so much about going to Pride for his own reasons, completely neglecting everyone else and their needs in the process—including his kid sister. I’m not even kidding when I tell you the amount of danger he puts his little sister in, all because he cares more about going to Pride. After their car breaks down, they hitch a ride from a complete stranger, drive into a big city they don’t know, where they proceed to hang out at another stranger’s house filled with people. Then when Mark’s mom pulls up in her car to pick them up, Mark literally tells his sister he owes her one, then runs away in the opposite direction and leaves her standing by herself on the doorstep. Needless to say, Mark is pretty immature. And not the best big brother, either...

Talia, on the other hand, particularly rubbed me the wrong way. She’s a typical social justice bully. And by that, I mean she carries herself as the “perfect” social justice advocate who feels the need to educate everyone at any chance she gets, not necessarily out of good intentions but just so that she can feel superior to them, because they’re just not on her level. She almost seeks out any opportunity to call anyone out for even the tiniest things, regardless of whether she’s on their side or not:

“Paige,” says Talia, “remember what I said about outing people?”

“Yes,” Paige says, “and I’ve thought about it. I don’t like that rule. It’s totally fine that Mark is gay, and if it bugs anyone, that’s their problem.”

“Yes,” says Talia, “but that’s not really the point. I think—”

I cut her off. I don’t have the energy for one of her political debates. “It’s fine, Talia. I don’t care if she outs me.”

“You’re pretty privileged to feel that way,” she says.

This moment especially irritated me. So for one, you’re overstepping boundaries and telling other peoples’ children how to behave (and toward their own sibling) when that’s not your role or your place to do that. And two, the fact that in one instance you’re allegedly standing up for Mark and fighting his battle for him—which I feel like is almost just as bad as outing a queer person..?—and then the second that he calls you out and says, “No, it’s okay, I’m totally cool with it,” you instantly whirl around and start a separate argument with him. So let me get this straight, you don’t want anyone to out Mark because that’s problematic. But then, Mark isn’t allowed to have any say in being okay with it anyway, because he’s… too privileged? Sounds more like Talia herself needs to learn boundaries, to step down, and to not shout over other queer people to satisfy her own self-righteous, social justice complex.

And the hilarious thing about this is: Talia isn’t perfect, either. There are countless times in the novel where she herself even admits that she still has a lot to learn, she still makes a lot of assumptions and oversteps. There’s even a point in the novel where she expresses her frustration over having to live in a society that creates a gender binary system where everyone’s put into boxes and no one understands what it’s like to live as nonbinary (like her partner) and have everyone assume your gender for you. Yet… she does this exact thing.When she first meets up with Erin and their friends, she instantly refers to several of them as “she” and “her” and “girl” without even thinking whether they identify that way.

Essentially, Talia expects and demands perfection from everyone else, yet she herself doesn't even match up to her own expectations. She’s willing to give herself the benefit of the doubt for not always knowing everything, yet she doesn’t give anyone else permission to have these learning experiences themselves. What I see in Talia’s character is also what I see in a lot of internet discourse and what truly irks me about “callout” culture and aggressive social justice policing in online spaces. People who use their own knowledge as a weapon rather than as a tool to initiate communication, empathy, and understanding.

Final Thoughts: I went in fully wanting to love this book for what it is: a celebration of queer youth, of Pride, of embracing who you are. And in many ways, this was that. At the same time though, there was a lot that I wanted this book to be but found it lacking, and by the end I was just very underwhelmed. Again, I really wish that the story had centered more around a road trip and to have it be more than...like, five pages.

Even the “family drama” that was also part of the plot was pretty underwhelming, and for how much it was built up over the course of the novel, by the time we reach the big reveal—the looming question of why Mark and Talia’s parents haven’t spoken in years—I just thought, Wait, that’s… that’s it? That’s the whole thing?”

Ultimately, I just wanted so much more from this book than I was given.

* * *

So, that concludes my full review for When You Get the Chance by Tom Ryan and Robin Stevenson. Let me know down below: What are some 2020 releases that you're looking forward to this year? I'd love to hear!

Until next time!

Few rappers embody the kind of playful experimentation that Chris Conde does on their newest record, the Conde Digital EP. The record is a sharp display of the queer, Mexican rapper’s advanced musicality as a lyricist and songwriter. It’s also perhaps their most personal record to date.

“Conde Digital was essentially me going deeper into myself, looking at bad habits and behavior that I had been afraid to look at,” Conde says. At the time of recording, they were struggling with trauma-borne depression, as well as a string of debilitating issues that left them feeling sidelined: “It was everything from mismanagement of my finances to relationship issues to other things I felt embarrassed to acknowledge,” Conde says. “The songs on Conde Digital were opportunities to address those things and shed light on them, rather than trying to keep them from the world or myself anymore.”

Though you’d never know it from Conde’s bristling confidence, their journey toward candid self-expression has not been easy. They’ve played everything from pummeling technical hardcore to intense, emotionally driven acoustic folk before planting a flag in the rap underground. Conde has been out since the age of 13, and their music has always communicated queer issues—even in the face of danger. “I wrote songs [like] ‘fag bash,’ about the violence I personally experienced, as well as the general violence queer people experience,” Conde says. “At one show, my [hardcore] band members rushed me into our van to get out of the venue, because apparently there was a group of bros that wanted to hurt me because I was queer.” Those experiences inform Conde’s lyrical direction on both Conde Digital as well as their 2019 debut LP, Growing Up Gay. “I think my queerness definitely affects my creative output in general,” Conde says. “We live in a world that wasn’t designed for us in mind, so feeling that on a day to day level, I couldn’t help but talk about navigating my life as a queer person and the struggles that I encountered.”

Those experiences take center stage on songs like “Fire,” a song about burning the masks we wear in order to fit in. Over a devastating, industrial-esque beat from trans noise-rap pioneer K Death of Moodie Black, Conde sings: “Liar liar, pants on fire/ Pour the lighter fluid higher, let this masquerade retire.” On the title track, also produced by K Death, sheets of metallic guitar spiral over throbbing beats, Conde “spitting the gift of gab” beneath so much distortion it sounds as if they’re rapping through a bullhorn, into a shortwave radio. It’s the angriest—and also the most fun—song on Conde Digital, pure truth-to-power and swag over a beat that is loud, wild, and un-contained.

“I write with myself and my audience in mind,” Conde says. “I want to be able to entertain you and tell a story at the same time. I want to impress you with my cadence, but also make it clear enough for you to hear what I’m saying. But over anything, I want to be able to relate something authentic and real.”

The theme of realness rings throughout the album. After coming out as queer, Conde’s journey led them towards identifying as bigender, a label that helped them through bouts of gender dysphoria. “I’ve known that I’m not cis, but I didn’t feel like I was a trans woman either, ya know?” Conde explains. “I knew I was something. And then a lot of people started coming out as non-binary and genderfluid and I was like, ‘That sounds right, but I don’t think that’s it yet [for me].’ Finally I discovered the word ‘bigender’ and it just clicked for me. I used to struggle with what people would think of me processing my life through my lyrics on stage. But then I realized that no matter what, If I was spitting from my heart, my audience would feel that shit too.”

Side A’s closer “Earth” is an almost trance-like incantation put to tape. In contrast to the stark tone of the rest of the record, Conde here imparts a bit of hope: “So when you hear this piece, I pray for your release/ Disease to be deceased, increase of energy and things that you may need/ A freedom never seen, so breathe the breath of peace, and let self become released.” Conde is currently working on an album now with their long time collaborator, trans producer Fire-Toolz, but in the meantime, Conde Digital will be more than enough to satisfy both the casual rap fan with an ear for bombastic beats as well as those who gravitate towards hip hop’s more esoteric flavors.

-  By Alex Smith

Coffee People: A Zine By, For, And About Coffee People

Specialty coffee and art have always worked hand in hand; artists of every stripe have long gravitated towards coffee work for the flexible hours, the freedom of expression, and, of course, the free access to their favorite caffeinated beverage. As specialty coffee culture has brewed over time with the artists who populate its coffeehouses and roasteries, it’s become deeply marked by the presence of the arts, a relationship which is visible in every detail of the specialty movement, from the expression of perfect microfoam as a fluid rosetta to the obsession with aesthetically flawless roast graphs that showcase a rainbow of flavors on the cupping table and in the espresso machine. The newest tribute to this is the Coffee People zine, coming out of Denver, Colorado. It’s an ode to coffee people who are artists, as well as coffee as an art in itself.

For creator Kat Melheim, Coffee People was inspired by her friends and coworkers in coffee who are also artists. Melheim, who roasts coffee at Logan House Coffee and baristas at Amethyst, went to an art show featuring the work of fellow Denverite Breezy Sanchez of Crema Coffeehouse and had a *click* moment. “She’s one hell of a barista and everyone knows her behind bar, but lots of folks didn’t know she did rad art, design, and graphics. At her art show I had this a-ha moment of ‘everyone should know about this,’” said Melheim. Inspired, she started thinking about all the other baristas, roasters, and productionistas who work in coffee but also have creative projects on the side, and, with the support of a tight-knit group of Denver coffee friends including Elle Jensen, Emily Orendorff, Johanna Hirschboeck, Kristyn Wade, Melissa Vaiden, and the aforementioned Sanchez, she worked to create a platform where everyone could showcase their art. The first two issues are available for purchase online. Rather than releasing new issues on the fiscal quarter, zine releases align with the two solstices and equinoxes that occur each year, which means issue two dropped June 21.

Coffee People Zine creator Kat Melheim.

Content-wise, Coffee People has a lot going on. First off, Melheim donates a portion of each zine sale to charities that benefit coffee people—and, since proceeds from the first issue went to the Coffee Too project, a nonprofit that focuses on fighting harassment and discrimination in the coffee industry, a lot of content in the first issue focuses in that direction. The zine’s inaugural Know Your Rights segment, which will focus on a different workers’ rights topic each issue, breaks down workplace sexual harassment with a digestible infographic, and there’s also a Coffee Too fact sheet, followed by a helpful and hilarious guide to mansplaining.

Peppered throughout are poetry, photography, and graphic art from coffee people, including an exquisite corpse drawing on a hot sleeve and a scratch and sniff with coffee flavor notes (there’s a surprise involved here, but I don’t want to spoil it). The zine also features notable new coffeehouse openings and a locally focused but internationally reaching events calendar, including a section on recurring events—many of which are free.

It includes some Coffee Championship-related content, but doesn’t shy away from substantial critique. It focuses on the inequities in coffee competitions, including interviews and statements from queer competitors on their response to the Specialty Coffee Association’s scheduling of world coffee championships in Dubai, a country where queer identity is heavily criminalized (the event has since been rescheduled). It then delves into an admittedly “informal and unscientific” breakdown of gender demographics at the Coffee Champs Denver preliminary based on local survey results.

In addition to providing a platform for coffee creatives and connecting the community through the events calendar, Melheim wants to advocate for and uplift people who work in coffee, especially baristas, as the specialized and skilled professionals that they are, rather than people who are just working in coffee until they get higher-paying jobs. Melheim was drawn to the zine format to do this work because many artists and coffee people alike enjoy physical materials they can hold and keep. She also wants to maximize accessibility, so she plans to make a lot of content available online as well, including online Know Your Rights pdfs that reinforce the material in the zine.

Issue two benefits Prodigy Coffee, a local shop with an apprenticeship program for youth in the neighborhood. To snag the first two issues, pick up a tee shirt, or submit content (including art, articles, photography, doodles, letters, short stories, comics, and more), visit their official website and follow their progress on instagram @coffeepeoplezine.

RJ Joseph (@RJ_Sproseph) is a Sprudge staff writer, publisher of Queer Cup, and coffee professional based in the Bay Area. Read more RJ Joseph on Sprudge Media Network.

Photos courtesy of Andrew Horton.

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Coffee People: A Zine By, For, And About Coffee People published first on https://medium.com/@LinLinCoffee

Coffee People: A Zine By, For, And About Coffee People

Specialty coffee and art have always worked hand in hand; artists of every stripe have long gravitated towards coffee work for the flexible hours, the freedom of expression, and, of course, the free access to their favorite caffeinated beverage. As specialty coffee culture has brewed over time with the artists who populate its coffeehouses and roasteries, it’s become deeply marked by the presence of the arts, a relationship which is visible in every detail of the specialty movement, from the expression of perfect microfoam as a fluid rosetta to the obsession with aesthetically flawless roast graphs that showcase a rainbow of flavors on the cupping table and in the espresso machine. The newest tribute to this is the Coffee People zine, coming out of Denver, Colorado. It’s an ode to coffee people who are artists, as well as coffee as an art in itself.

For creator Kat Melheim, Coffee People was inspired by her friends and coworkers in coffee who are also artists. Melheim, who roasts coffee at Logan House Coffee and baristas at Amethyst, went to an art show featuring the work of fellow Denverite Breezy Sanchez of Crema Coffeehouse and had a *click* moment. “She’s one hell of a barista and everyone knows her behind bar, but lots of folks didn’t know she did rad art, design, and graphics. At her art show I had this a-ha moment of ‘everyone should know about this,’” said Melheim. Inspired, she started thinking about all the other baristas, roasters, and productionistas who work in coffee but also have creative projects on the side, and, with the support of a tight-knit group of Denver coffee friends including Elle Jensen, Emily Orendorff, Johanna Hirschboeck, Kristyn Wade, Melissa Vaiden, and the aforementioned Sanchez, she worked to create a platform where everyone could showcase their art. The first two issues are available for purchase online. Rather than releasing new issues on the fiscal quarter, zine releases align with the two solstices and equinoxes that occur each year, which means issue two dropped June 21.

Coffee People Zine creator Kat Melheim.

Content-wise, Coffee People has a lot going on. First off, Melheim donates a portion of each zine sale to charities that benefit coffee people—and, since proceeds from the first issue went to the Coffee Too project, a nonprofit that focuses on fighting harassment and discrimination in the coffee industry, a lot of content in the first issue focuses in that direction. The zine’s inaugural Know Your Rights segment, which will focus on a different workers’ rights topic each issue, breaks down workplace sexual harassment with a digestible infographic, and there’s also a Coffee Too fact sheet, followed by a helpful and hilarious guide to mansplaining.

Peppered throughout are poetry, photography, and graphic art from coffee people, including an exquisite corpse drawing on a hot sleeve and a scratch and sniff with coffee flavor notes (there’s a surprise involved here, but I don’t want to spoil it). The zine also features notable new coffeehouse openings and a locally focused but internationally reaching events calendar, including a section on recurring events—many of which are free.

It includes some Coffee Championship-related content, but doesn’t shy away from substantial critique. It focuses on the inequities in coffee competitions, including interviews and statements from queer competitors on their response to the Specialty Coffee Association’s scheduling of world coffee championships in Dubai, a country where queer identity is heavily criminalized (the event has since been rescheduled). It then delves into an admittedly “informal and unscientific” breakdown of gender demographics at the Coffee Champs Denver preliminary based on local survey results.

In addition to providing a platform for coffee creatives and connecting the community through the events calendar, Melheim wants to advocate for and uplift people who work in coffee, especially baristas, as the specialized and skilled professionals that they are, rather than people who are just working in coffee until they get higher-paying jobs. Melheim was drawn to the zine format to do this work because many artists and coffee people alike enjoy physical materials they can hold and keep. She also wants to maximize accessibility, so she plans to make a lot of content available online as well, including online Know Your Rights pdfs that reinforce the material in the zine.

Issue two benefits Prodigy Coffee, a local shop with an apprenticeship program for youth in the neighborhood. To snag the first two issues, pick up a tee shirt, or submit content (including art, articles, photography, doodles, letters, short stories, comics, and more), visit their official website and follow their progress on instagram @coffeepeoplezine.

RJ Joseph (@RJ_Sproseph) is a Sprudge staff writer, publisher of Queer Cup, and coffee professional based in the Bay Area. Read more RJ Joseph on Sprudge Media Network.

Photos courtesy of Andrew Horton.

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