Me: I will stop talking about Nijisanji EN as it is bad for me and they are probably going to want to have it die down eventually.

Nijisanji EN: Not only are we disclosing legal details on a stream, but we're going to have three of our most popular livers (that were also quite close to Selen) read some of the content that sounds like it was read off of a script!

Me: Oh, for fuck's sake- SINK THE YACHT.

Chemo, 7/14/2021

This round of chemo lead to a whirlwind of emotions. Once again, my liver enzymes were too high and for the first time, my oncologist looked concerned. I’m normally a pretty easy patient. I don’t have any side effects that are out of the normal, I follow instructions explicitly and my body is doing such a good job keeping it together. My doc normally comes in, says things look good, tells me I’m cute (omg, thank you so much gf) or to use rubbers (the one time I asked about sex, lololol) and heads out. It’s a very expensive minute. This time, she slumped in her chair and said “I just don’t know what to do with you. I’m on hold to get you a scan ASAP, I need to see your liver.” We talked for a little longer than usual about my current chemo and potential new chemo and then she was off to make her final decision about that day’s treatment. You could tell that she was deeply affected by my less than perfect bloodwork and I felt touched. 

I was able to get a scan and it was decided to take the drug Oxaliplatin out of my chemo cocktail. Normally with the FOLFOX treatment, I get FOLinic acid, Fluorouracil (5FU) and OXaliplatin, accompanied by anti-nausea meds and a steroid drip. It takes about 3 hours and is brutal. The steroids come first and I immediately start to get extremely agitated in my chair, barely able to sit for another 3 hours. The anti-nausea drip is fine but the extra bit they push through Tony (my mediport) ironically makes me want to throw up (you can taste everything they push and that one is particularly disgusting). Then you get the 2 F meds and finally the Oxaliplatin which makes you actually feel the life draining out of you. Fast forward to me laying in bed and vomiting straight stomach bile.

Oxaliplatin is intense and I was actually supposed to get off of FOLFOX after my surgery, but because my neuropathy wasn’t too bad and I my tumor shrank so much on it, they decided to do another 3 rounds. Well, apparently 2 more was enough for me. The working theory is the Oxali is what’s driving up my liver enzymes and we’re done with her, she goooone. I only ended up only getting the Fluorouracil (5FU) and it was a dream in comparison. It doesn’t require the steroids or anti-nausea meds and the drip lasted 30 minutes.

So basically my day started with my high liver enzymes and getting a last minute scan, being so worried that my body wasn’t compatible with this pump that I just went through the most insane surgery to put in, not to mention the 2 months the of healing and daily discomfort is gives me. Talking about getting a new chemo cocktail FOLFIRI that would most likely cause me to lose me hair (I still might need it, but not yet at least) and I don’t care how small that sounds in the grand scheme of things, that will fucking suck and I will be a mess. Any most importantly, the fear that if my liver starts to fail, I’m done here. 

What ended up happening is my scan came back showing no issues, I only got 5FU which was a much much much gentler and lovelier chemo with none of the other drips I hate, a plan in place to only get the 5FU for the next 6 weeks to see if my body responds well without the Oxali and no Neulasta shot for white blood cells which gives me extreme bone pain all weekend.

HOLAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Now, I know that things could turn on a dime and my next appt. could result in bad shit, but I am loving this small victory!

I want to take this moment to say how constantly amazed I am by MSK, the incredibly kind nurses and my doctor who is a God in my eyes. Also a big thank you to Anna and Emily who took my to my appointments and took care of me.

(You’re) Having My Baby

Masterlist

Fandom: Resident Evil/Biohazard

Pairing: Jill/Carlos

AU: Family Life

Summary: After a couple years of being happily married, Jill and Carlos are ready to grow their little family of two.

Requested by @vgames-lover​ and three anonymous users because yet again I combined requests! The title is taken from the song of the same name by Paul Anka and you’ll see why.

It was November 2003 and Jill had been suffering from a stomach bug for about week. She was a bit concerned, maybe the take out she had ordered - Carlos was out with Chris and Leon for Leon’s bachelor party - was bad as she had thrown up the next day and those following. Carlos, despite being slightly hungover, was there to hold her hair back as she muttered curses and promises never to order from that restaurant again. However, being very much under the weather meant she couldn’t go on the mission she was scheduled for and she counted her blessing that Claire’s bachelorette party had been the day before Leon’s. But Jill would not let some mystery illness stop her from attending her friends’ wedding, it would take much more than throwing up in the morning to stop her. Carlos, for his part, kept a close eye on her, understandably worried until he noticed something she murmured to herself while getting ready for the ceremony.

“Need to get new bras, these ones are starting to make my nipples hurt.”

Normally, those kinds of statements would be overlooked by someone who couldn’t put two and two together. But Carlos never overlooked anything when it came to Jill, it might have been a result of trauma but he felt the niggling urge to keep an eye on her, make sure she was safe and okay. So it was safe to say he was starting to piece together a picture and, if he was right about it, it was a picture he had wanted to paint for about a year at that point. He felt butterflies in his stomach at the thought of it.

He noticed her struggling to zip up her dress and went over to help, “You know, I think it might be worth picking up a pregnancy test on our way to the venue. We have been trying for a couple of months after all. We should also stay clear of alcohol today, just in case.”

Jill turned to him, a pensive look on her face, “You really think so?”

Carlos pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and gave her a reassuring smile, “Better safe than sorry.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jill was impatient throughout the ceremony, wanting to get to the bathroom as soon as possible. She was happy for her friends, she really was, and it was sweet seeing Sherry be flower girl yet again, this time for her adoptive parents but after what Carlos had said earlier she just had to know. So as soon as the ceremony was over and it was time for the reception, Jill sped away into the bathroom with the pregnancy test in her over the shoulder bag. Carlos was not aware that she was rushing to take the test. No, the poor man was none the wiser and followed after her, worried that she was having another bout of sickness. His concern grew when she locked the bathroom door behind her. He sighed, leaning against the wall as he waited for her to come out. He was stood there for about 5 minutes before he heard the door unlock and Jill emerged.

He grasped her shoulders, worry in his eyes as he looked her over, “Are you okay?”

“I’m more than okay. Carlos, I’m pregnant,” She beamed at him, tears welling up.

Carlos pulled her into a hug, kissing the crown of her head, “Hello pregnant, I’m dad.”

“Seriously? You’re starting with the terrible fucking dad jokes now?” Jill groaned, nuzzling into his neck.

He shrugged, “I’m a dad now, it’s my job to make bad jokes that embarrass my family.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Although Carlos said that they both wouldn’t drink, Jill managed to convince him that he should be allowed to drink as they were now celebrating two things. She got a few looks from their friends as she turned away drinks because if there was something Jill never said no to, it was a free drink. Instead, she would either pass the offered drink to Carlos or sip on some sort of soft drink with an excuse of “I’m the designated driver.” But maybe she made a mistake passing drinks to him. Even though they agreed to stay quiet until the next day as not to detract attention away from the newlywed couple, there Carlos was, fucking serenading her.

“Having my baby. What a lovely way of saying how much you love me. Having my baby. What a lovely way of saying what you're thinking of me.” Carlos sang over the sound of the reception, on one knee, cradling her hand between his as their friends stared at them.

He was cut off before he could continue by Claire rushing over to envelope Jill in a hug, “Oh my god! Jill, you’re pregnant?! How long have you known?”

Jill’s face was red under all the attention, “Today… although I feel Carlos had an inkling sooner since he’s the one that suggested I buy a test this morning.”

“This is the best wedding gift! I’m going to be an auntie!”

The rest of the evening was filled with congratulations and getting Carlos to drink enough water to sober up slightly so he wouldn’t be as hungover in the morning. Chris helped to get Carlos home, insisting that since she was pregnant she shouldn’t be lugging her husband around. A husband that was now just speaking Spanish and making Jill very very thankful Chris only knew the basics of the language as Carlos was getting rather… colourful in verbally displaying his affection to his wife. Chris even opted to stay in their guest room as they had “much to talk about” the next morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following day saw Chris and Rebecca sat on one sofa as Jill and Carlos, who was nursing a slight hangover that wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, sat on the opposite one. They hadn’t been expecting Rebecca to knock on their door at 10am but they weren’t entirely surprised since she had been the one to keep an eye on Jill’s health over the years.

“First things first, I’m going to state the obvious: You won’t be able to go on missions for about one year at the very least. Not only would it be dangerous for the baby for you to still go while pregnant, but pregnancy and birth itself is traumatic for the body. You’ll need time to recuperate afterwards. I recommend a two-year leave. Maybe longer depending on how quickly you get back into a fit state.” Rebecca declared sternly, eyeing up the coffee Jill had in front of her.

Chris crossed his arms, “We knew that already. I was planning to talk about her leave today and have her help me pick out a suitable temporary replacement for the meantime.”

Jill was about to take a sip of her coffee when Rebecca reached her hand out and covered the top of it.

“Sorry Jill, but it’s going to be decaf until after the post-birth recovery period.”

Carlos took the coffee from her and headed into the kitchen with it and his own.

Jill levelled Rebecca with a stare, “Decaf tastes like burnt toast.”

Carlos came back in with two glasses of orange juice, “It’s for the good of you and pequeño. But you won’t have to suffer a coffeeless world alone, whatever you’re not allowed, I won’t have either.”

Jill smiled at him as she accepted the offered juice, hand coming to rest on his knee once he was seated again.

“What else is there ‘Becca? What do I need to purge from the pantry.” Carlos asked, lacing his fingers with Jill’s.

Rebecca reached into her bag and pulled a document from its confines, “It’s all written here but I’ll give you a brief rundown. Unpasteurised or mould-ripened dairy products are a no go. Uncooked meats, liver, any and all pates and game meats are not to be eaten. Liver contains high amounts of Vitamin A which can be harmful to the baby. Raw and partially cooked eggs as well as: duck, goose or quail eggs are dangerous unless cooked solid, no runny eggs.” She flicked over to the next page, “Oily fish is to be limited to two portions a week. Tuna should be limited to 140g a week as it contains the most mercury than any other fish. Swordfish, marlin, shark meat and raw shellfish should be avoided. Sadly herbal teas should be limited to four cups a day if you were looking to them as a replacement for coffee. Fruits and vegetables must be thoroughly washed before eating or cooking. Oh and no multivitamin supplements as they can contain vitamin A. That should be about it.”

She handed the document to Jill who was frowning. Carlos had been nodding along the entire time, Jill could see the cogs working away in his head as he thought about what was currently in their kitchen cupboards.

“Is there anything that needs doing asap?” Jill asked.

“A simple urine test to see how far along you are, then we can try to predict a due date.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The due date they had been given was for mid-August and an ultrasound scan during the second trimester revealed they’d be having a baby girl. Carlos had reached out to Barry to help them set up a nursery as well as set up a birthing plan, a fount of knowledge thanks to being a father of two. One thing Jill hadn’t accounted for was Carlos becoming more protective than he had been before. He hardly let her in her office, saying that she might stress herself out and that wouldn’t be good for her or the baby. If she wanted to go out with the girls for a chill night, he would text her every half hour to make sure she was okay. She wasn’t mad, not at all. In fact, she completely understood his behaviour. It was just… a tad much sometimes. The bigger her stomach became the more anxious he became about her going out because “What if something happens and I can’t be there to help.”

So there Jill was, sat between her husband’s legs as she leant against him playing Animal Crossing (a game she had grown addicted to much to Carlos’ relief) on the GameCube he bought her as an apology for his worrying ways. She had started taking to wearing his clothes instead of the expensive maternity they had bought because she just found them more comfortable and comforting. Carlos wasn’t complaining, loving the sight of his rounded wife waddling about in his clothes. He had his arms resting around her front, hands pressed to her belly under his baggy shirt, feeling their pequeño’s little kicks. She was definitely going to be a fighter like her mum, that much Carlos could tell.

As it was August, Carlos had a hospital packed and ready to go as well as Barry on speed dial. They had decided on a hospital birth instead of a home birth just in case there were complications at Barry’s suggestion after all. Jill felt a little bad for the older former S.T.A.R.S member, Carlos had been picking his brains ever since they formally announced the pregnancy.

“Carlos playing this game makes me see why you were a communist. Slaving away to pay a raccoon who does nothing is insulting. Fucking Tom Nook-”

Carlos was chuckling until his wife cut herself off, “What is it?”

“...I think my water just broke…”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twelve laborious hours later and Eliza Anne Valentine was welcomed into the world. Sure Carlos’ hand hurt like a bitch but he wasn’t complaining if the small chubby baby in Jill’s arms was the end result. He smiled as he watched the scene. Jill was sweaty, her hair a mess as she tiredly greeted their child, stroking her small round cheeks.

“Hello there Eliza, I’m your mama. I’m going to make the world a safe place for you. I promise.” She looked to Carlos, unshed tears in her eyes, “Do you want to hold her?”

Carlos nodded unable to form words with how his throat tightened. Carefully, oh so carefully, they passed the small bundle of joy from one to the other. And upon seeing his daughter’s face, he started crying. She had his nose and her mother’s mouth. Her hair was dark but matted with embryonic fluids so there was no way of telling its actual colour in that moment. He wondered what colour eyes she’d have when she finally opens them. But no matter what traits she took, Carlos didn’t care. She was made from them and their love. She was going to be perfect in his eyes no matter what.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: To break your hearts further, the way Jill’s maternity leave works out means her first mission back is the one she “dies” in.

I love hearing from you guys! Please tell me what parts you liked!

Requests are temporarily closed. I'm also on twitter @mxbelmounte.

Mononucleosis Awareness Post

So I caught Mono participating in Hot Girl Summer™ (jk jk lmao) but I did get Mono, and this shit is not a fucking joke. If you feel like you might have it, please go to the doctor. Over the past 4 weeks, I have been going through literal medical hell from complications. I’m gonna list the symptoms I’ve had and if you feel like you might have it, go get looked at. I thought Mono was something only horny ass teens got in high school playing spin the bottle, I’m 26 (27 next month) and was NOT expecting this shit at all.

Fatigue

My first symptom that something was wrong was fatigue. This is not normal, everyday fatigue. This is actually waking up and feeling like the world is ending when you take your first step, fatigue. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. While driving, I put my emergency break on at red lights because I was afraid I would fall asleep while at the standstill. At work, if there were no calls, my head was down (luckily, my boss is only here twice a week so I could get away with this). At home, I was in bed by 6PM and when you do sleep, it’s immediate. There is no gradual lulling off to sleep. It’s face-meet-pillow-meet-morning-alarm type of sleep. But I was still tired no matter how much I slept so I started using No Doze to counteract the effects. At first, it was fine, but even then, I still had the underlying fatigue. It got so bad, I drove over a friend’s house in Greenbelt, MD which is about an hour and a half away with rush hour traffic, using every bit of energy I had in my body to get to her, because she said she would take care of me, which she did. But by the time I pulled up to her house, I basically almost fell out of the driver side door when she opened it for me. That is not an exaggeration, that is the level of exhaustion I felt from just driving that far without sleeping. We thought I had the flu or something flu-like, so she gave me fluids and alot of Day & NightQuil. It made the symptoms lessen, but it never made them go away.

Sore Throat

At the beginning, my throat merely felt scratchy. This lasted for about 3 days, before I knew it, my voice was gone and my throat was in so much pain I gave up talking. The pain is not akin to Strep Throat, if you’ve had that before. It is actually worse. My throat was swollen as a symptom of the virus, but it graduated into its own infection of severe Tonsillitis. It was so severe that I actually began having trouble swallowing from the amount of swelling that it caused. I had to receive a steroid injection in my butt to counteract the swelling and start methylprednisone (which wasn’t strong enough and I had to go back for regular prednisone 20mg). I couldn’t eat anything without pain, so I stuck to drinking a lot of fluids and ice water. Ice water became my guardian angel because my throat was in a constant state of burning pain. I also grew exodus on the back of my throat, past my tonsils, as a result of the infection in my throat, and had to gargle salt water like crazy everyday to get them out. The exodus hurts, it is hard and feels like cement on the back of your throat and it makes the Tonsillitis 10x worse than it already is. I didn’t have a voice at all for 12 days, I had to use a dry erase board for all interactions (it’s quicker than typing on my phone.) 

Nausea

Now my case may be different because the doctors keep telling me my nausea shouldn’t have gone on as long as it did and that I need to go see a Gastroenterologist ASAP but that’s a different story for a different post. Nausea was my worst and most persistent symptom to date. The kind of nausea you may feel will be persistent. I woke up nauseous to the point of my mouth salivating as though I were about to vomit everyday for about 2-2.5 weeks. This never settled. There was never a time my mouth was not salivating, I had to begin keeping paper cups at my desk to spit the residual saliva into throughout the day because it never subsided. One day, I had a salad for lunch from Panera even though I wasn’t hungry, I knew I should try to eat something. (By this time, my throat had made some progress and I could swallow some whole things.) I immediately regretted that decision when I lay in bed at midnight holding my stomach like the world was ending. I was so nauseous that I couldn’t get myself together enough to even get out of bed. The thing that makes the nausea symptom so bad (for me) is that it never made be actually vomit, it just created the sensation of needing to. Eventually, I broke down and stuck a straw down my throat just to alleviate the symptom a bit and threw up the salad, and it didn’t even look like it’d been digested properly. That made the nausea go away for the night, and after that I gave up eating anything solid hoping that would prevent any future nausea, spoiler alert: I was wrong. My salivating mouth picked up right where it left off, it was as though all I went through the night before didn’t even matter. My stomach was empty and still nauseated. That night, the nausea was so bad that I just knew something was off and I drove myself to the ER (Note: I drive myself to the ER that is less than 10-minutes away all the time to save money on an ambulance, if you feel you are not safe to drive, dial 911, it is better to just pay the ambulance than cause an accident and make your situation worse than it already is.). When I got there, I was beyond exhausted, nauseous, dizzy, I just felt like I was dying. The doctor brought me back, took my vitals, asked the usual questions. I told him about the nausea, the Mono diagnosis, he said he wanted me to get a temporary room while he ran some tests. I got a room and a nurse came in and gave me a shot of Zofran for the nausea that did absolutely nothing. It was so bad that when he came back in, I asked for Ipecac or a straw to induce vomiting again. Alarmed, he said they wanted to avoid me vomiting and gave me an additional shot of Zofran. That helped that time, but I still just felt overall terrible. The doctor came in later and told me my potassium levels were extremely low, explaining the extreme fatigue and dizziness, that my liver was swollen from the Mono, and that the nausea was alarming and he would be admitting me for treatment. I was shocked that this virus had done such a number on me. My throat had even worsened and was now even more swollen and painful than it was before (I hadn’t gotten the 20mg prednisone script yet.). I spent 2 days with an IV in my arm, eating mushy foods and sleeping in the hospital. I had to take off work because I was in no shape to even drive there, let alone get anything done. After the 2 days went by, I actually felt back to my normal self! I was so fucking happy to exist and not feel like dying after weeks of wanting to that I went home and started cleaning my room. I had let it get atrocious from not feeling well or feeling like doing anything besides sleeping. Shortly after I began, the fatigue kicked in, the only symptom to never leave, and I sat my ass down and watched Rick & Morty with Sebastia and went to sleep instead, which was probably the safer bet. Fast forward 8 nausea-free days, and guess what’s back??? It’s tolerable now, but still an extreme nuisance. I get my Zofran prescription and it does didly fucking squat to alleviate the nausea. I call the Urgent Care that diagnosed me and ask if there’s anything stronger for nausea and they tell me all the stronger shit will have me bedbound and loopy. Bills gotta get paid so we can’t have that. So that night, in a moment of nauseous desperation, I took double the dosage of the Zofran to alleviate the discomfort. Now, I understand I shouldn’t have done this, but I was DESPERATE and afterward, I felt great. It was the first time the medicine had done wtf the doctors said it would do and the way it was supposed to: quick, fast and in a motherfucking sprint. So I stupidly called the Urgent Care to ask them about the nausea medicine again (I have such a good relationship with this UC for some reason, probably because I hate my primary.) and told them what I’d done the night before and that I was now out of nausea meds and needed a refill before it came back, which was all true. Jessica, the nurse I always saw, was alarmed and spoke to the doctor on duty there, and told them about what I did. Then they cut me off and said to go ask my Primary for the refill because I’ve been utilizing them way too much (long story short). But she also said that I shouldn’t need that much Zofran and something else is going on and I need to be seen by a Gastro. That $40 co-pay appointment is still pending. Andddd I’ve been nausea-free for about a week now, but as I type this, my mouth just began salivating so it looks like I’m gonna be dealing with that again soon. Fuck.

Dizziness

My dizziness didn’t come full force until about 4 days ago (Week 4). I was out at a shopping center getting groceries and while I was parking at a nearby Dunkin Donuts, the world legit started slanting. I felt like I’d been drugged all of a sudden. My skin felt cold and clammy, everything felt out of focus and I immediately needed to lie down. Luckily, it came right after I’d put my car in park and had the opportunity to put my seat back and do so. I waited about 10 minutes maybe, and then I felt ok enough to get out and go get some food because I thought I was just hungry because I hadn’t eaten yet. Even standing in line and waiting for the food afterward was difficult. I had to sit down or else I’d fall down. I got back in my car and ate and laid down again, went back to the store to get eggs I forgot to grab before, and on the walk back to my car almost walked into another parked car. Of course, people saw and probably thought I was drunk or something. I was embarrassed but didn’t have the motor skills energy to explain the situation of feeling like I was in 2 bodies at once. This symptom has come and gone as it pleases, but luckily after a good 2-hour nap that day when I got home, I felt alot better. 

Poor Appetite

While battling this virus, I have lost 10 pounds and still counting in the past 4 weeks. While it’s great to fit into clothes I was once too thick to get past my thighs, it is not the way I wanted to lose the weight. In the beginning, I always felt full no matter what, which made me not want to eat, combined with the nausea, it made eating something I just wasn’t in the mood to ever do. This went on for weeks, which caused the weight loss. I learned later that my swollen liver pressing against my stomach is what caused the sensation of fullness, hence, not ever feeling like I should eat. Now, my appetite has returned, and I’ve been eating nothing but starchy, fatty nonsense my diet never would’ve allowed before I got sick. And even with all the newfound calories I’ve been non-stop digesting (seriously guys, pizza 5 days straight, bread bowls, bacon egg and cheese croissants, cheesecake, donuts...) I’m still shedding pounds. My Gold’s Gym Membership is gathering dust because I can’t go workout with my body still always in fatigue-mode and it’s probably just not kosher to do with this kind of virus. My mom said I should celebrate for now until it becomes a cause for concern later, but I think I should probably be concerned now since the earlier you find something out the better health-wise. I lowkey did some research and think I might have Hepatitis-C from the virus, which is curable, but sucks all the same if I’m right. I inherited my mother’s extremely poor immune system, so I really wouldn’t be surprised. I’ll post before and after photos of my weight loss separately, don’t want Tumblr turning me into the Face of Mono™ because of this post. 

Swollen Lymph Nodes

This was one of the lesser symptoms that went away by week 2-2.5. They are definitely sensitive and noticeable. I found that icing them alleviated a lot of the discomfort and made it tolerable, but overall, these were the least of my worries.

If you experience any of these symptoms or think you may have Mono, definitely get yourself checked out. They can do a rapid test at any Urgent Care or ER and let you know during your visit if you have it. This shit is not a joke. I’m still dealing with the symptoms right now and have no inclination of when they will be gone. The literature says anywhere from a few weeks to a year, I’m praying for the initial option but I have no way of knowing for sure. I say all this to say, pay attention to and know your body, guys. You only get one. 

Hi friends,

I’ve been pretty uncharacteristically silent on here recently but just wanted to send you a little wave and let you know I’m still here and doing ok even though it’s been a rougher month than usual. First, here’s the wave:

Now here’s the update (below cut):

In the past month I had a few very not-great things happen. In chronological order (and actually the order in which they were distressing from least to most):

My aunt died unexpectedly. We were not close at all, though not quite to the point of being estranged (exchanging gifts and cards continued). It is sad, but in a way I really lost her a long time ago. She was a really difficult person with a number of psychological problems including hoarding, meaning her house is a disaster. She was living my with disabled uncle but they had separate schedules and she had her own entrance so she was dead several days before he noticed. These are both my dad’s younger siblings. My parents (75 and 79) have been in Texas for a month now working on the funeral, the house, and arranging care for my uncle (who is deaf and autistic and an ex-alcoholic - he’s never lived totally alone and can’t start now). I haven’t been able to go help because of my chemotherapy (and my full-time job I still work). We’re all emotionally tapped out.

I had to decide within a week whether I ever wanted biological children. The situation is that chemotherapy damages your eggs. I had already had 10 weeks of chemo so really this seems like the kind of thing that someone could have told me during the 2 fucking months I was diagnosed but not in chemo. I mean, I guess the reason no one did is we all kept hoping I could start it right away and if I had wanted to freeze my eggs I would have needed a few weeks. But honestly I think they literally forgot since what brought this up was me complaining about having my period while on chemo (which is unusual - apparently most people stop) and they were like “omg fertility!!”. Anyway, there were two bad options: 1) delay treatment so I could freeze my eggs or 2) take a drug that shuts down all my sex hormones basically causing early menopause in the hope (NOT certainty) that it protects them. Now, I’ve always been very confident in my desire not to have children at all. This was true when I was married and it’s true now. I first said it when I was 23 and now I’m 35 and it’s still true. So you’d think it would be easy and, in a way, it was. But I felt so rushed and there was SO much cultural pressure to say that I should keep every option open that I felt way more unsure than I would otherwise. I decided not to do either and let things take their course. Only NOW it turns out I’m not going to be doing chemo for a while because of my third bad thing so that door may still be open.

My most recent scans to assess the effectiveness of chemo and the status of my cancer were highly mixed. Now, I have a lot of cancer. I have stage 4 (metastatic) breast cancer that was in: 1) a large (LARGE) bastard of a tumor in my left breast that is so big that it hurts all the time because it presses nerves and skin; 2) a lymph node under my left arm; 3) a bunch of small tumors in my lungs; 4) at least one small tumor in my liver; 5) a soft tissue tumor next to my L4 vertebra; 6) my bones at the point at which that vertebra joins the pelvis. That is a fucking lot of cancer. I don’t think people quite get it when you just say “metastatic” or even “stage 4.” It could definitely be worse but it’s pretty bad. This cancer is super fast and super aggressive--it’s a black ops team. Turns out that, like a team of special forces, it’s still fucking gunning for me. The chemo I was on is pretty standard fare because (more bad luck which you can read more about on my cancer blog @pitiless-achilles-wept) I’m negative for all the things that offer additional treatment options. It turned out to work really well on my lungs, which is actually great news b/c that shit was scary, so I only have a couple small tumors left now there. BUT the bastard tumor and one on my liver got a full centimeter larger (FAST growing jeez). Other stuff seems stable and they didn’t it new places, which is also good. But they do need a better treatment for it than this one. So, instead of more chemo I’m joining a clinical trial for something called PARP inhibitors that basically stop DNA repair in cancer cells so that they die. I don’t have any heritable breast cancer genes but I DO have the BRCA1 mutation in my tumor cells. That’s a “somatic” mutation as opposed to a “germline” mutation. PARP inhibitors work really well on BRCA patients with the inherited mutation so the study is seeing if they also work well on the somatic mutation. My fingers are hugely crossed that the answer is YES and I’m hustling to get going ASAP so this fucking bastard cancer doesn’t spread even further in the meantime. But joining the trial involves a lot more doctor visits at a time when I totally don’t feel up to them (since doctor visits involve making yourself a huge pain in the ass to be an advocate).  I’m sort of on my own for this since my parents are dealing with all that other stuff and I’m single AND an only child. I do have great friends, though, who will do things like make phone calls when I can’t stand it anymore. But my goodness, friends, am I emotionally wrecked.

So that’s where I’ve gone. I wish it were better to report and also that I could be writing more here since it does help. But the fatigue I had from treatment plus just the exhaustion that comes with weighty emotional stuff has stopped me. 

I still hang out on here, distracting myself with hellatus meta (and crack) and using Cockles gifs to cheer myself up (which does actually work b/c they are bottled sunshine like 98% of the time). I miss you all and hope you know that I’ll be back when I can. I appreciate the love you send, even when I can’t muster the energy to respond to it. 💜💜💜

headcanon | bee anatomy 101

so , i never thought i’d bee here writing anatomy on a bee hybrid . but here i am . because apparently shipping is actually going to happen here for the first time ever . so i am going to clear up some things for . . . well for everyone who is fucking curious , lol . d’vorah may seem like a complicated creature , but in truth she is not . though kytinn she is also humanoid in appearance . there may be some complexities when it comes to her body compared to that of any other specie in all the realms , and this is going to be a segment going over her anatomy for everyone to better understand kytinn .

yes , kytinns have thick skin . d’vorah has a strong chitinous exoskeleton exterior . this gives her exceptional protection and reduces her sensation of pain . 

kytinn DO have internal organs , but very few . they lack some major necessities that other animals and humans have ( like lungs , liver , spleens , etc ) . the kytinn also have an open circulatory system , meaning blood does not flow through a system of veins and arteries .

though d’vorah has a nose and mouth , kytinn have no lungs . they breathe through an assortment of complex structure of tracheae and air sacs . coincidentally , one of these structures does lead to their humanoid nose , ergo it may seem like d’vorah “ breathes “ . oxygen is consumed and exited through this system .

this being said , d’vorah’s abdomen houses two stomachs and most of the insects that aid her regenerative powers , so the speak . one stomach is used for food consumption and another for storing flower nectar .

d’vorah is capable of regurgitation , an ability plenty of animals and insects have . because d’vorah is capable and does have brutalities and fatalities that revolve around her regurgitating maggots and flesh eating insects , there is a lot of misconception that revolves around the kytinn . since she can talk without maggots and insects pouring from her mouth / yes , she can kiss her mate ( closed or open ) and no insects will go pouring into their mouth . d’vorah controls her bodily function(s) like regurgitation and the ability to open her abdominal cavity .

kytinn are highly sexual creatures and the queen will mate with males in order to receive sperm and fertilize her eggs . in d’vorah’s nature there are two different acts . sex is sex . when time for mating , d’vorah is solely focused on the act of copulating with her chosen partner . the act of intercourse is not met with impregnating a host . her eggs need to fertilize and she will store them for some time / she isn’t just going to plug them into people asap .

furthermore , not every orifice of d’vorah is festering with insects ! her beegina ( YES BEE’S HAVE SEXUAL ORGANS ) is not a festering slot for bugs folks . it has a main purpose , like get plowed and harvest some eggs .

the act of laying her eggs and impregnating hosts is done sometime well after copulation . the host can be any creature or human(oid) of choice / not necessarily the person she mated with .

yes , i get it , d’vorah is gross / can be gross . and trust me / i want people ( you & your muses ) grossed out by her . many of the inhabitants of these other realms likely have never met a kytinn . so i embrace all the assumptions / ignorance muses will have . but , i do hope this helps some folks out of character .

OSRR: 1782

i helped like six people today with JUST chemistry homework. like. stuff i've never seen before. but the good thing about chem is that it's all patterns, and that makes life way easier, especially when it's been almost a decade since i last took chemistry of any kind.

i just really love my job.

i also commandeered a drawer for snacks so we don't go hungry if we don't bring food.

tonight joel and i went to best buy for a new controller for his switch, and we got pwanchos while trying to decide what to get for dinner. we went to the red arrow because i'm indecisive and originally wanted steak and a shirley temple, but realizing that restaurant was expensive, i went with a milkshake and the red arrow instead. it was an excellent choice.

at one point while we were eating, i noticed that joel was especially quiet. i asked him if he was okay, and he didn't say anything, but he gestured exactly the same way i do when i get overwhelmed and go on sensory overload. there were so many noises and it was too much, and thinking back on it, i'm impressed i also didn't overload right then. but i didn't want him to be overloaded and then need to come back immediately and deal with other people, so i pulled out my card and paid the check. i realized i didn't have cash to pay a tip, so when joel got back i asked him, and he did, so we were able to just head out asap. i didn't want him to force himself back into humanity's noise and chaos so soon, because of anyone understands how that feels, it's me.

after dinner we went back to his house and stayed on the sofa and watched videos on youtube and laughed while he put his legs over me. it was getting late, and videos were auto-playing, and joel turned around, hugged my arm, and almost immediately fell asleep. my poor love has been so exhausted lately, and dinner didn't help him with that. so i let him sleep for a short bit, quietly observing his soft features as he softly snored. it's hit me a few times today how much i love him and just how beautiful he really is, and i can't get over it. and i'm pretty sure he likes being a little spoon. he's so adorable.

last part here is a conversation, but i'm gonna put a trigger warning for suicidal ideation and mentions of death because it falls under those while simultaneously not, but just to be safe.

one last thing that was kind of traumatizing for me. joel does this thing where he jokes about things like jumping off a bridge ("there goes my plans for sunday" when i said "please don't") and said his family would get a good sum of money, and i said "am i chopped liver?"

"i've already told you loving me is a bad idea, you got yourself into this"

and i stopped thinking for a hot moment because in a split second i was overwhelmed by the feeling of dread and the hole that would be in my chest if joel were to really be gone.

i looked off into the distance and just said "what the fuck" because i did NOT want to start crying while driving down the road, i've done that before and it's not easy OR fun,

and joel immediately went into protective mode and asked me what was wrong. i told him that i imagined what it would be like to not have him there, and my heart broke and tears started to spill. he immediately took my hand, kissed it, held it, held it tight, a silent apology and a quiet promise to do everything he could to keep my heart from hurting like that. as we pulled into a parking space at the diner he pulled me into his arms and held me tight, not-so-subtly reminding me he's right there, and that he'll be there, next to me, for as long as he can.

i'm so, so in love with him. it hurts my heart to even imagine him not being there. when we started talking three-ish months ago, i had no idea this is what would come from it. i had no idea he would become my best friend, my favorite person, the one i actually would want to come home to. the one who makes me brave. the one who keeps me safe and helps me realize my own potential and goodness and who protects me from myself when the storms roll in. i had no idea this is what it would be like. for the longest time, i was convinced i would never find someone who loved me. and honestly? i'm so glad i was wrong.

Hmm well I haven't had the fortune to just die which is pretty sad because now I have to go to work.

I'm so fucking tired all the time and my new doctor was like "well it's probably the uncontrolled diabetes and sleep apnea" and then she looked at my bloodwork results and it turned into "yeah it's probably the kidney and liver failure."

I was supposed to go get repeat labs done today but my sister's car is broken down again and no one would pick up on Uber or Lyft so. Unfortunate. Ridesharing in the era of COVID is a nightmare. I miss Detroit, when I could get a ride any time, day or night, within 10 minutes.

I'm pissy because third shift was late last night and I missed my Uber home because I can't leave until they show up. I had to get another one which took 45 minutes to show up. Then, one of the third shifters smelled very strongly of marijuana. Like, ok, do whatever you want on your own time, but when you're responsible for the wellbeing of other people, don't come to work high.

One of my coworkers legitimately asked me "Why do you do everything they [the residents] ask you to?" and after staring at her dumbfounded for a few seconds I was like, "because they're human beings and we take away their capacity to do anything on their own, so they need help with everything and HAVING TO WAIT TO TAKE A SHOWER BECAUSE SOMEONE WON'T GO GET YOU SOME SHAMPOO IS DEHUMANIZING." Like honestly. We had a new admit yesterday and she'd been there for 8 hours and she was still in the hospital gown she showed up in because no one would inventory her clothes and give them back. Seriously. I know how awful it feels wearing a hospital gown when everyone around you is in normal clothes, and it's not a good feeling. I inventoried her clothes ASAP and it took maybe 5 minutes. Five minutes to make someone feel like a person. Ugh.

I know I write about my job too much but I only have my sister to talk to about this stuff. She worked as a librarian in a men's prison and she knows all about how shitty and useless these institutions are. I know I'm not helping anyone. I'm not a therapist. I should not be the main provider of mental healthcare that the residents see in a day. When I applied, I thought I'd be doing things like meal prep, cleaning up, supervising downtime, taking the residents on outings etc. And I do those thing, but I also pass meds, lead group therapy, talk residents down when they're having flashbacks from their PTSD, calm panic attacks, provide first aid, and talk down residents who are self harming or want to self harm. They have regular therapy once a week, same as they would on the outside, so it's so clear that this place is just a holding pen.

The second unit I work at is an open unit for patients stepping up from the other unit. Open means they can come and go as they please, as long as they have earned "community access" by exhibiting safe behavior. This unit is both better and worse than the first one. Better, because there's an actual kitchen in which the residents can cook themselves actual food, they get furniture that isn't made out of hard plastic, they can go outside to smoke/take a walk/ get some air, there's no alarms on the doors to the courtyard, they can have jobs if they're so inclined, they can have laptops, cell phones, and other electronics. But therapy is even more of a joke. They get real therapy once a week, and then 5 times a day there's "group therapy" but there really isn't. There'll be a worksheet to fill out or a drawing to color in, and that's group, so of course no one goes. The silverwear is inventoried every night and locked in a drawer. The cooking knives are in a literal safe in the med room. Residents still have to ask for things like toilet paper, paper towels, etc.

Idk. My life is such a flaming shitshow right now. I made a joke about buying a shotgun to blow my brains out, and how I couldn't because my bank account was overdrawn, and it was less of a joke than a statement of fact. My sister says I can't commit suicide because then she'd have to pay rent alone, and I mean, that's legit. I have an interview with CVS on Friday, and even 20 hours a week with them would be about $2000 a paycheck. I'd probably keep my other job(s), as long as I don't like, die from exhaustion. Honestly I'm not even sure if I want to be a pharmacist anymore. I'm in the process of applying to medical school so I can become a psychiatrist and work for CMH so they have young doctor who's up to date on all the newest treatment methods instead of the old fucking retired white men still writing prescriptions for MAOIs.

Speaking of CMH, I'm supposed to have an intake interview with them next week. I was a little hesitant about it, but my current therapist is pretty bad in terms of scheduling and like, you know, remembering me. When I say being forgotten is my #1 trigger, I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic. My family dynamic growing up was one in which I was the least important member of the household, and was reminded of this constantly. My needs were not important, I did not merit attention, no one cared about me. No one outside of my family cared about me because I wasn't obviously abused/obviously mentally ill/obviously in need of attention. I've been unwanted my entire life and then I start to get these shreds of trust that someone actually cares about me and I find out no, they don't, I'm not even enough of a priority to cancel an appointment ahead of time, just let me wait and wait and wait.

Sorry about how long this is. I bought a physical keyboard to pair with my tablet instead of throwing $500 away on a chromebook that literally has worse specs than my tablet. So I can ramble with much more ease and type angrily with satisfying keyboard tapping sounds,

Hawaii 5-0 Season 8 Wishlist

Here it comes again.  Another season.  Another set of hopes and dreams.  Last season was so much better than Season 6 I have to say.  And although this upcoming season is already tainted by the loss of Chin and Kono, I am going to remain optimistic.

I was heartbroken when word came out all those months ago about Grace Park and Daniel Dae Kim’s departures.  And I was afraid that I would hold a grudge about the new cast members coming to fill the void. (Think Corin Nemic when Daniel was killed off of Stargate in Season 5. Poor guy never got a chance)

But I have to say from everything I’ve seen on the new cast members I am excited about their addition.  Especially Meaghan Rath/Tani Rey.  And that really surprises me.  Being such a huge Kono/Grace Park fan I wasn’t keen on just anybody filling that spot on the team.

Tani seems like a very capable and kick ass lady from what I’ve seen.  Meagan Rath is beautiful (though I still think Grace Park outshines her but still...) and as long as they give her character some substance I will be happy.  I just don’t want her to become nothing more than a pretty face to fill the screen. 

Anyway, onto my wishlist...

1.  This has carried over from previous seasons and I still have to declare it.  I want Danny to take Steve to New Jersey!  I NEED this!

2.  I want the restaurant storyline to be handled properly.  Not just some throw away, on the side thing.  But something substantial.  I know it’s a side project but still give us something more.

3.  Danny needs to break up with Melissa, ASAP!  I have said it before and I say it again.  Please, for the love of god.  It’s unfair to her and she deserves better.  So does Danny.  And speaking of....

3a.  Please don’t let Danny get back together with Rachel!  Ugh!

4.  Give us more about Will and Grace dating. 

5.  Give us good and convincing explanations about Kono and Chin’s departure. More concerned about Kono.  Chin’s exit was pretty much set up but Kono is still a bit up in the air. 

5a.  To add to that, don’t have Kono sitting at home popping out babies as an excuse for her not to be on the team.  Fuck that.  She can work!

6.  If Adam is going to be a consultant for 5-0 now, I think he should also be the business manager for Danny and Steve’s restaurant.  He can take care of all the business logistics while Danny makes up the recipes and Steve can handle PR and relations.

7.  Steve needs to break up with Lynn.  There is zero chemistry there.  He can’t even call her his girlfriend.  She’s his lady friend.  No, just stop.

7a.  There’s been several mentions of potential love interests from Lenkov now.  From Catherine’s return, a nurse that helps him with his illness, to Alicia Brown.  I don’t know if this is just Lenkov stirring the pot or if he can’t make out a plan but stop messing with the man’s heart!

8.  Don’t ignore Steve’s radiation sickness.  He is not Superman.  I don’t care how strong you are, the man is sick. He is already immunocompromised from the liver transplant and now this.  Don’t sideline it like he’s superhuman.  Let us see him cope with his limitations AND see the team support him through it.

9.  Give us more McDanno!

and finally......

10.  LET STEVE MCGARRETT BE HAPPY FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE!!!!

CLIQUE talks ‘Life in Lock-down...’

100 days +

What would you do in 100 days.

Read a couple books.

Learn a new skill.

Play those games you never got around to play.

You see; lock-down downs been tough.

It’s been really tough,

It’s sucked almost at times.

But we’re slowly about to see light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s true; it has affected many people from all backgrounds, so we thought we’d put together a small selection of in depth ‘look intos’ how lock-down has affected each and everyone one of us in a small way.

It’s no surprise but we’ve actually been in lock-down for more then 100 days.

Some still self-isolating.

Others working all the way through.

But what has like really been like during lock-down.

Has it really been all sunshine and rainbows.

Has it had a long lasting affect mentally, physically or emotionally.

How hard has lock-down hit you?

You see, everyone’s story is different.

Everyone has a different path to follow and tale to tell.

So this week we caught up with three separate individuals and asked them all the same set of questions.

Let’s see how lock-down life has affected those in different backgrounds.

This week we talked to,

NHS Nurse Sally Dunn who has a family, worked throughout the pandemic, and continues to push on through day-to-day life, all whilst keeping a proud smile, and keeping the family life in motion.

Full time Chemistry Student Matthew Plews, a young man with great ambition, all-round nice guy, who’s not only working full-time part time, he has a passion for baking and music to ease him through the day-to-day life.

Full time Editor in chief (and our friends at Hinton Magazine) Curtis Hinton, magazine editor, football enthusiast, and all round gent who loves a gin or two.

How has lock-down and Covid-19 affected each person, and where do we move forward in the coming months.

Find below our little Q n A.

Answers in order.

CLIQUE

Q. How you been handling lock-down?

Sally - Better than I thought I would. Felt guilt at times that I haven’t been productive like walking enough or home schooling good enough. I’m not great at sitting and relaxing so it’s kind of forced me to do it!

Matthew -  Now that it’s been lifted a little bit, where you can see people I’ve been fine, however at the beginning it was a bit of a struggle as I’m always kept busy, kind of felt lost.

Curtis - I think I’ve been one of the very few people that it hasn’t really affected. A Lot of people that I’ve spoken to have said they have found it tough, they been affected by their mental health during this time. Whereas for me personally I don’t feel like it had affected me.

Q. Did you have to self-isolate?

Sally -  No.

Matthew - No, but I was very weary of going places as my mam and sister are classed as vulnerable.

Curtis -  I did yes, I has symptoms quite early on so I self isolated for 14 days.

Q. What’s your current job?

Sally -  Neonatal nurse

Matthew -  Waiter

Curtis -  I am a business owner

Q. Enjoy it? Or this a stepping stone for something else?

Sally -  Love it. My job for life

Matthew - Not really, I should have been in Ibiza working now, I still don’t want to go back and I’ve been looking for something else

Curtis -  Without a doubt it’s the best job I’ve ever had. There is always something to keep me busy. The business I own, owns a few business including a magazine.

Q. Do you think lock-downs been good for your health?

Sally -  Mental health yes, I’ve been almost forced to make time for me to relax! physical health no, I’ve eaten too much and put too much weight on.

Matthew - Not really, used to going to the gym every day, being out and about to literally doing nothing. Also those zoom quizzes, sat getting drunk with my pals in my room certainly didn’t help my liver lol...

Curtis - Yes, even though I have been very busy, I have still taken time to think about things, Slightly re-evaluate how the future might look and used some spare time to develop some personal skills. 

Q. Have you still been able to work?

Sally -  Yes, I’m a nurse, work carries on regardless for a nurse!

Matthew -   No, however I did have uni work to finish off for a few months. Since that’s been over with I’ve had nothing to do.

Curtis - Thankfully, yes I have. I have set up a home office, so even when I was self-isolating I was managing to work.

If *YES* elaborate.  If *NO* again you could elaborate why not.

Q. How long have you been in lock-down?

Sally -  Since March 16th.

Matthew -  Since BoJo said so, like 105 days maybe?

Curtis - From the moment the government announced it, which I believe was 23rd March, Limiting my visits to shops and going out side of my home.

Q. How has it affected you or your family life?

Sally -  My children miss their friends, their activities such as dancing and swimming. I’ve not been able to see my family - especially my dad, and that’s been awful. My husband’s family is in Birmingham and he hasn’t seen them for months. I couldn’t see my eldest daughter for ages and that was really hard.

Matthew - I live with my mam and sister, we argued a bit at the beginning but gradually got used to it. My mam was even sitting watching Netflix in the car, telling me she was getting shopping for my grandma.

Curtis - I think personally for me this lock-down has been great. It’s given me a lot more time to myself. More time to think about things and to advance some skills and certainly advance something with my business. I went back to the family home for the lock-down so I wasn’t completely alone throughout this time which has been nice. 

Q. Has lock-down affected your relationship? If applicable?

Sally -  We’ve spent more time together so it’s been good.

Matthew - n/a

Curtis - n/a

Q. Do you think there will be a second wave?

Sally -  I think so. I hope not but I think it will.

Matthew -  Not any time soon (hopefully.)

Curtis - Almost certainly, but I don’t think there will be another nationwide lock-down. Although peoples health should always be number one priority – you have to think about the other affects the lock down has, for example on the economy which the fall out from all of this could affect peoples health just as much as the virus. 

Q. Have you learned any new skills in lock-down?

Sally -  Yes! I can now crochet!

Matthew -  I’ve been trying all sorts! Started off learning how to knit, I’ve been growing loads of plants (including and avocado tree), been baking a lot more and cooking for family. I did try hairdressing once I couldn’t cope with the lock-down length anymore, but I don’t recommend going near your hair with clippers when you’re not trained ha ha.

Curtis -  Yes, I have been reading a lot more. Also developing my knowledge in different areas.

Q. What has lock-down taught you? Any lessons?

Sally -  Appreciate the little things. Money is important but time is more precious and what you do with it is special.

Matthew - It has taught me to be grateful for what you have. Like even just seeing friends (not just over facetime) now after like a 3 month it’s been great. Like appreciating like spending time with people because it’s mad how quick everything can just go. It’s also taught me you don’t need to go to the pub every weekend because believe it or not, you CAN actually stay in (all it has taken me to realize was a deadly virus)

Curtis - It’s taught me life is way to short. Don’t be wasting any moments. After speaking to friends I think a lot of people have financially been affected by this lock-down – even with furlough. Hopefully this is a wake up call, people will hopefully see where they are wasting money and invest it in themselves more, whether that be on their education, on their business or even something like travelling. 

Q. Do you think lock-down has been good for everyone?

Sally -  No. My dad has been shielding and he misses us all terribly. Those living alone and those furloughed or have lost jobs have had tough times.

Matthew -   Not really. Personally I’ve been trying to think of positives, like saving money and appreciating people, but from a mental health point of view I feel like it will have a big impact on people.

Curtis - It depends on how each individual views their times in lock-down. I think everyone should take a moment to assess their lock down and to see if they were truly happy with what they have done during their 13/14 weeks at home. If not then they need to make a change ASAP. Chances like this don’t come around often. 

Q. Do you think the Government handle lock-down well?

Sally -  I’m not sure what I’d have done differently, maybe not lifted restrictions so early, but it’s an unprecedented situation and everyone was learning as they went along, including government. Hindsight is a ‘wonderful’ thing. We can all say they should’ve done this, would’ve done that, could’ve done this, but it might not have changed the outcome.

Matthew -   A. Definitely not, fuck the Tories!

Curtis - Yes, They is WAY to much negativity around the ways the government has handled this lock-down. People need to understand compared to the rest of Europe England and the UK are such a different country. The behavior of a small minority in this country are the ones who have failed us. Those who broke lock-down laws those are the ones who have spread it to someone going out once a week to their food shop. I think Boris (even with him getting the virus himself) and his team have done a phenomenal job and if there was another pandemic, I would be more than happy if they were to lead us through it. 

Q. Do you think the population handled lock-down well?

Sally -  Some of us! Some people have been daft and put lives at risk, riots, mass gatherings, ignoring rules. All put lives at risk.

Matthew -  No. Everyone’s just been so angry about everything. I honestly think its brought out the worst in people, especially the “lock-down police” aka those saddos taking pictures of people that have left the house and shaming them on social media. Get a life man.

Curtis -  99.9% Yes, there is a small minority who didn’t listen putting a majority at risk and they should be made to pay.

Q. Highlights of your lock-down?

Sally -  Spending more time with the kids. My 40th birthday has been during lock down and I feel it was made more special.

Matthew -  Weekly quizzes with the crew, low key sad they’ve died out but glad I can see them in real life now.

Curtis -  Self-development.

Q. Do you think there will be many lock-down babies?

Sally -  Not sure, maybe. But maybe not the ones that are result of drunken nights on the town!

Matthew - Can you get pregnant from a social distance?? lol

Curtis -  Maybe, I think many have been affected by mental health and wont bee feeling frisky after the first couple of weeks.

Q. Anything else you’d like to add with your experience of Cv-19?

Sally -  I wish I’d kept a diary since the start of lock-down. COVID19 will be in the history books, we are part of this history.

Matthew -  Ms Rona has taught me to look for the good in bad situations. Everything is out of your control so there’s no point stressing, just play your part and be sensible. And finally, keep stocked up on bog roll so you don’t have to fight Karen for it next time the world comes to an end lol.

Curtis -  I just want to thank everyone is the country who listened to guidelines. The people of Britain is what makes us great, that includes Health workers, all key workers and to the government officials. We are nowhere near through this pandemic yet and no end is in sight. I hope people just stay sensible and stay safe.

Thanks again everyone.

If you wish to make a charitable donation to the NHS find a link below.

CLIQUE.

https://www.nhscharitiestogether.co.uk/

I guess while I’m here.....

Kat has been ignoring my messages. After she came back, we were sitting at her parents’ house in the backyard and she asked me about us. She said she knew we couldn’t really get back together, but that she had hoped things wouldn’t change. And that she liked having me visit her in the hospital, but she also recognized how this was difficult and how it was really just kind of putting off the inevitable. That we were broken up, we’re not getting back together, and I’m moving out.

On Saturday, I messaged her because I found the freeze dried beef liver (dog treats) we’d been looking for, and then things took a turn for the shitty. She told me that she thought her parents might be getting a divorce because they had a big fight in a nearby town and her stepdad walked away telling them to go home and he’d find his own way. So, her mom said let’s go and they actually left him a 45 minute drive away from home. Her mom dropped her off at home, evidently scribbled out a will, left her phone and wallet, and then disappeared.

She had gone to their house because she’d woken up that morning already suicidal. After all of this, she really wasn’t in a good headspace. I tried to talk her down, get more information, try and keep her calm. I even called the police for her to report it (her stepdad, for whatever reason, didn’t want to call the police) and even offered to pick her up and drive her to the other town to find her stepdad (right when I got to her house her stepdad got a ride back). She started talking again about how tired she is, how awful living is, how she just wanted to be dead and how she wished she would have died, how much pain she was in. She said “honestly I wish I’d just fucking kill myself. I’m too traumatized to try again though and Mike [her stepdad] took the gun” So I told her “Then you need to get help. The resources are right there [there was a sheriff who had stopped by her house, and she had talked with him a bit. He told her that if she admitted herself, he could help her and also told her about a 24/7 support system that can come out to her if she needed it] You need to get help. I can’t help you anymore. I’m sorry Kat but I can’t go through this again. I need to remove myself from this. I’m sorry, but please get help”.

I was feeling overwhelmed and I could not handle that responsibility. I rushed to her aid so many times the week leading up to and the weekend of her attempted suicide, and only once was it ever a crisis. And it didn’t truly become a crisis until after I had arrived, and told her that I wasn’t going to do this anymore. THEN she stabbed herself. But I refused to put myself in that situation again, I refused to rush to her aid to try and save her when she’s holding herself hostage. I made a decision to work on my own mental health, and part of that means that I’m not trying to take care of and support her mental health anymore. I still care about her, but she is not my responsibility anymore.

I texted her early Sunday morning to see if her mom had come back yet, and she said she had. I said I was glad, and she said she was too, and then she wished me a good day and I wished the same and told her to love on Ziggy for me. Later that day, I texted her to see if I could go to the apartment and she didn’t respond. I went to the apartment and her car wasn’t there so I went in and got what I needed, gave the cat some love, and left. Then Tuesday I texted her to ask if she was at the apartment, and she said she was, and I asked her how she was doing and she didn’t respond. So I’m thinking maybe now that she knows she can’t rely on me to be there when she’s feeling suicidal, she’s decided to cut me out completely.

Now I guess my goal now is to get my shit out of there ASAP (even though I don’t have anywhere to put it!) and work on healing from being with her. Good thing I started therapy Monday

So I used to say 2010 was the best/worst year of my life but 2019 triumphs that lol

My sweet Alhaja passed away, coincidentally it brought ALL the family together from far and wide and we buried her and celebrated her life as best we could. The young ones made a group chat which was beautiful. London 2 America 2 Nigeria: WE CONNECTED BABY!

My cousin bestie Seunrere have birth to a beautiful baby girl; Jemilah. Fell out of love with my other cousin bestie Rachel which is sad but sigh ... life happens right.

Mary & I broke up ...

Alberta & I made up ...

Whitney & I tried to break up but thst was a dub lol Yh right

My king dad has liver disease & now type 2 diabetes

I got signed off of work for depression lol ain’t nothing better than the people round you directly seeing what you been trying to tell them for years: I’m bat shit crazy lol

I found comfort in some of the most amazing people. Glendene Griffith: the manager I prayed for. So many ppl laughed when I said if I was to work for someone else I needed them to be black and female. And here she is in all her glory. Way more than my boss, a mentor and a source of counsel. Deji, mr ranger ... a perfect example of what listening to my heart through my words feels like. I’ve told him but I don’t think he’ll understand what he’s done for me mentally.

My marriage is ... in ... tatters! But our love will forever reign. I don’t think I can bring myself to write honestly about it yet ... but I will.

Kenke & I broke up and I think it’s for good this time and if I’m being honest... the better.

Zion was official diagnosed with autism ... again kinda not ready to be vulnerable yet.

And finally ... drum roll please ... YOUR GIRL HAS BEEN GOING TO COUSELLING!!! God blessed me with the nicest, most helpful most encouraging counseller ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ironically we’ve just recently broken up lol but we’re on good terms. She equipped me to face the world so Yh ... in facing it!

All in all this years had done highs and lows but I’m ready to get the fuck ASAP into 2020!

Your bad driving caused you to not get hired.

warning: long story.

Background: I work for a construction company that has many divisions but I work in the new construction section. I've been working at this company for about 5 years but actually worked along with my Dad who had 30+ years at the same company. Because of his long tenure in not only the field but with the company I got a lot of inside perks. I created a lot of very beneficial professional relationships through him. My dad recently became very sick (suffering from liver and throat cancer stage 4) and had to stop coming to work. My Dad and I were the only office guys in the department, so once he stepped away I became number 1 guy in the department, making all the decisions. This detail will come into play later.

The Crime: I recently got engaged to the woman of my dreams. We had planned on getting married in 2018 but with my dad being sick and not sure how long he will have, we moved it up to fall of 2017. So we are getting all of the wedding planning stuff done asap. This last weekend (Feb. 11th-12th), we conquered a lot of the list. the incident happened on the 11th. We had just finished our registry and about to meet our DJ at a local coffee shop but had some time for lunch. We grabbed a quick meal before he headed to our meeting. As I'm pulling up to the stop sign to leave the parking lot into the street and car pulls in tight and cuts me off a good 10 feet before the stop sign off of the street. Now, usually I have horrible road rage. Fingers, cuss words, and sometimes I've thrown shit from my car in fits of rage. My fiancé hates my road rage and I try to behave myself as much as possible when she is in the car. So when this guy cut me off all I did was throw up my hands in the air in a," what the hell gesture." He was driving a Chrysler 300 and had Illinois plates. (Ill get some hate comments for this next comment Im sure) I can't stand Illinois drivers. A lot of those dickheads from the rich Chicago suburbs come to my town for school and they drive like assholes. As I threw up my hands, he slammed on his breaks and looked at me. Rolled down his window and asked, "What's your deal?" I respond with, "You cut me off. Don't know how to take turns very well?" His responded with, "Want to get out of the car?" YES! At this point that is all my head is screaming, but when he asked this my Fiance grabbed my arm and said, "Please don't." So I looked at him and said, " No I don't want to get out of the car, I want you to learn how to drive." His response was to call me a pussy for listening to "my bitch" and drive off. He hit all of my buttons in the matter of a minute. Bad driving, not apologizing, and disrespecting one of my loved ones. If she wasn't there in the car, there would have been a fight. I thought that was the end of me seeing that asshat and I was not happy. Karma was on my side.

The Revenge: Since my Dad has left work, my responsibilities have doubled and that caused me to stay later and even come in on weekends. My boss, seeing my struggle, asked if he could hire someone to help take some of the load off of my desk. Since my dad leaving, I've pushed to have one of the field guys take over because they already know a lot about what's going on and wouldn't have to teach much to them. My boss didn't like that idea because he didn't want to lose one of our great field guys. He put some ads out to hire someone, but promised me I would be part of the hiring process and would even have the last word with hiring since I would be working them a lot. Like Santa bringing you everything you asked for on Christmas morning that asshat that cut me off walks through the front door asking about the opening. He hadn't seen me yet, and being in the company car when I drive to and from work he didn't see my car either. My boss took him to the conference room and asked the basic questions while I was finishing a bid we wanted to send out. Then came my chance, my boss called me on the speakerphone asking me to come back to finish the interview. I usually hate Mondays but this felt like the greatest Monday I could ever have. Right when I walked in that room, the asshat's eyes lit up and got real big. What made it even better is as I'm walking in, I hear my boss tell him that I'm coming to finish the interview and would be his boss and we wanted to make sure it was a good fit. The interview went poorly, like really really poorly. I barely roasted him with any difficult questions because he was so nervous/freaked out that his answers to my questions were horrible. My boss then took me out the hallway after I was done and asked what I thought. I told him the whole situation and said I could never work with him. That was all my boss needed and said we will keep looking for a new replacement. Best part is I got to tell the guy the news. I basically told him to get the fuck out and laughed at his face about trying to get a job here. Funniest part actually, is he told me he already had other job offers at some of my competitors and was just shopping around. Idiot actually named the competitors who he claimed had offered him jobs. What he didn't know, is that our company is actually really close and friendly with our competitors. I called up those companies and told them what happened and they not only told me they did not offer him jobs but now they definitely wont.

(source) (story by HireRevenge2804)

Never say die - Chapter one

Pairing: Axl Rose x reader Words: 2561 Summary: Reader accidentally time travels back to 1985 where Axl, Duff, Slash, Steven and Izzy find her. A/N: So i posted this already before but i changed this a bit bc first it was Robert Plant x reader and i don’t have motivation for Robert rn lmao. So now you can enjoy Axl’s company. I’ll try to update asap

”I can't believe it's already today!” my best friend Leo yelled from the living room. I was still in the bathroom trying to fix my hair for tonight. ”I've been waiting for this for such a long time and it's finally happening.”

We were going to see Guns N' Roses at tonight's concert which started at 7 pm. Leo and I loved Guns N' Roses, we were crazy about their music. I had all of their songs on vinyl and many posters on my walls. We were sure for a moment that we couldn't afford to buy the tickets, but luckily I got my salary from work earlier than usual. Probably one reason was also that it was my birthday today and my boss knew how much I loved this band. I finally turned 20 and I was sure this night would be the best birthday ever.

”I know right! I hope they'll play Better, I've been lately really in love with it. My all time favorite is obviously November Rain though, but I know they'll play it every time,” I yelled back and worked with my hair for a couple of minutes more after the curls were good enough. I walked to the living room and saw Leo talking on the phone.

”Dude, how can you not be ready yet?! We're gonna be late soon if you don't hurry up,” Leo said to the phone. Probably talking with Amelie, I thought, she was coming with us and we were supposed to go get her from her house.

”We still have time you know, we're not that busy yet,” I tried to calm him down. He'd been stressing out a lot during the last couple of months. He was sure something bad would happen before the concert and we'd miss it, like for instance Axl would become really sick and lose his voice or the band would get into a car accident.

”We'll be there in 15, you better be ready by then. See you soon!” Leo said and ended the call.

”Calm down, dude. Jesus, you're acting like some young fangirl meeting Harry Styles or who the curly brownie is. Except you're not screaming your lungs out,” I laughed and Leo finally gave me a tiny smile. ”Just breathe.”

”Yeah, let's go,” Leo said and took car keys from the table.

---

It took hours to get in but we finally made it. There were so many people, thousands of them. I had never been in a same area with so many people before. I hadn't been in many concerts because my favorites had mostly either died or they didn't just do gigs anymore. Quite hard to be a classic rock fan in 2017 to be honest. I'd literally do anything to get a time machine and travel back to 70's and 80's. Pink Floyd, The Doors, Nirvana, Queen… There were so many.

”Oh my god,” Amelie gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.

”What?” I asked and drank water from my bottle.

”Okay, don't look. But how much does that pal look like a mix of Slash and Axl?” Amelie pointed a young guy with long curly brown hair, pilot sunglasses, cigarette in his mouth, a cowboy hat on his head and a red checked shirt around his waist. And right then, I accidentally spitted all of the water left in my mouth straight to some man's back and bursted out laughing.

”Oh my god he really does.”

The man turned around, stared at me and tried to touch his back on the wet spot.

”What the fuck –” he started. Then I fully realized what had happened.

”I'm so so sorry! I didn't mean to do that!” I apologized slightly panicking. He just shook his head and turned back to his friends.

Leo was trying to hold his laughter but didn't have time to say anything when the music already started.

---

The concert was amazing, much more amazing than I expected it to be. I literally didn't have any words for the feeling, it was one of the best moments of my life. I couldn't have had any better birthday than tonight. Their first song was Welcome to the Jungle and I slightly cried during Don't Cry – which is quite ironic. Now was the time of their last song before this all would come to its end.

”So this song is really special to us for many reasons. We dedicated this song to our old friend, our best friend,” Axl said on the microphone. ”Without her, we wouldn't probably be here tonight. She was amazing, more than amazing. She was kind, funny and fucking sarcastic. Steven and her did always pranks on the rest of us.”

I had never heard Axl talk about anyone or anything so softly, deeply or just seen him being so emotional during a concert. Everybody in the audience were quiet, probably even held their breaths and let Axl speak without interruptions. He sighed and continued.

”She was always there for us when we had our hard times. I don't have a fucking clue how she handled our drunk asses after some gigs,” Axl laughed. ”We first met in 1985 when we weren't a big thing yet, we were just a little band nobody had ever heard about. And one night we were playing at a local bar and after the playing and stuff she came to talk to us and said how well we played and we would be some helluva band in the future. Well, she wasn't wrong, like she never was.”

I was speechles like were everybody else. Duff and Slash had become more serious now and didn't move even an inch, just stared at the sky.

”She was from Los Angeles as well. She was on a tour with us quite often actually. She meant a lot to us. A lot to me. There’s not a day when i wouldn’t miss her,” Axl said smiling, but was quiet for a moment until continued. ”But the thing is that she died in 1997, she was only 32 years old by then. We were there when it happened and it was literally the worst moment of my whole life. And why are we singing this song exactly today? Well, because this is the day she both died and was born.”

Axl shared a few words with Duff and Slash that the audience couldn't hear. Then he turned to face us again and said:

”Now I'd ask every one of your asses to calm down and have a moment for her.” Axl looked at the dark sky with a couple of stars, ”this is for you, Amy, happy birthday, honey.”

The band began to play and already of the first words I recognized the song to be from the album Chinese Democracy. It was This I Love.

And now I don't know why She wouldn't say goodbye But then it seems that I Had seen it in her eyes And it might not be wise I'd still have to try With all the love I have inside I can't deny I just can't let it die Cause her heart's just like mine And she holds her pain inside So if you ask me why She wouldn't say goodbye I know somewhere inside There is a special light Still shining bright And even on the darkest night She can't deny So if she's somewhere near me I hope to God she hears me There's no one else Could ever make me feel I'm so alive I hoped she'd never leave me Please God you must believe me I've searched the universe And found myself Within' her eyes No matter how I try They say it's all a lie So what's the use of my confessions to a crime Of passions that won't die In my heart So if she's somewhere near me I hope to God she hears me There's no one else Could ever make me feel I'm so alive I hoped she'd never leave me Please God you must believe me I've searched the universe And found myself Within' her eyes

In this point of the song the camera had zoomed to Axl's face and I noticed a couple of tears rolling down his cheek but there was also sorrow on Duff's and Slash's faces. She must have really been an important person in their lives, I wondered and just now noticed how wet my but also Amelie's cheeks were.

So if she's somewhere near me I hope to God she hears me There's no one else Could ever make me feel I'm so alive I hoped she'd never leave me Please God you must believe me I've searched the universe And found myself Within' her eyes So now I don't know why She wouldn't say goodbye It just might be that I Had seen it in her eyes And now it seems that I Gave up my ghost of pride I'll never say goodbye ---

The band said one more good bye and then people were pushing themselves to get out of the place. When we were finally outside of the concert area thingy and could breathe properly without being stuffed between humans, Leo took a cigarette and put it between his teeth.

”Well don't come to cry to me when the doctor tells that you have a cancer,” Amelie said and rolled her eyes.

”You want some, Ruby?” Leo asked, totally ignoring Amelie, and offering me one from the packet. I shrugged and took the cigarette.

”Eh, why not.” I lighted it and watched the smoke flying in the chilly air. ”Why wouldn't we go to a bar or something? It's only 11 pm anyway. And I need something to drink.”

My friends nodded.

”Sure thing. It's been a while since the last time I had vodka,” Amelie stated.

”Funny, it was two days ago, drunky,” Leo snorted.

”Well, we're both apparently destroying our bodies. You your lungs and me my liver,” Amelie grinned and we started walking to the bar. ---

We were nearly there, when we had to cross a dark alley.

”You know, we could go to some other way. This place gives me chills at night,” Amelie told us.

”Yeah, but it's the fastest and besides, you just think too much. Nobody's gonna attack on us tonight. And if someone did, there's three of us to handle it,” I tried to assure. Amelie just scoffed.

”As if Leo could protect us. He even screams and runs away every time he sees a mouse.” Me and Amelie started to giggle.

”Hey! That's not fair and especially not true!”

”Sureee, remember last week when –”

”Hey, Ruby, wanna hear what happened to Amelie yesterday?” Leo started.

”No, no! Fine, you're the manliest man on Earth! You could even fight God!”

I just laughed. I still wondered how they weren't in a relationship. They would be the perfect couple to be honest.

”Thanks I know I'm quite powerful,” Leo said and did an invisible hair flip thingy because his hair wasn't long enough. We were in the middle of the alley when we suddenly heard noise somewhere near. We saw a drunk man ahead of us pushing a young woman against the brick wall with his body. The woman tried to yell help but the man shutted her up by putting his hand roughly on her mouth.

”Well aren't you a pretty lady?” the man said and brushed her long blond hair. She was wearing a purple dress, high heels and a black jacket. We saw already from the distance how afraid she was and without thinking anything, I approached them.

”Hey, asshole! Let the lady go!” I yelled and got his attention.

”Ruby, no, come back! Let's just leave!” Amelie said and tried to pull me with her but I just pulled away from her grip. The drunk guy stared at me for a moment until let the young woman go. She mouthed us 'thank you', took her purse and sprinted quickly away.

”And who might you be? You're just adorable,” he said and smiled, revealing his dirty yellow teeth. His brown hair was a mess, he probably hadn't washed it in a week. His clothes looked like he had rolled himself in a mud and his shirt was full of holes. Suddenly he was so close I could smell his breath. Beer. Disgusting.

Without thinking anything, I punched him with all of my force to his face and he whined in pain and held his bleeding nose. I had never punched anybody so hard and it fucking hurt my hand. I tried to run away with Leo and Amelie, but he was too quick and grapped me by my arm, so I kicked him on his man parts. But he managed to push me hard enough me to fall to the wet and hard ground.

”Ruby!” Leo shouted and tried to help me up and get me away but suddenly I felt horrible pain on my stomach. I saw blood on my t-shirt and saw a bloody knife falling to the ground. The man just stared in front of me a shocked expression on his face.

”Shit. Oh shit,” he murmured before he turned on his heels and run quickly away. Leo got a hold of me before I could collapse.

”Ruby! Ruby, no!” Amelie yelled and felt tears immediately stream from her eyes, as did also Leo.

”Fucking bastard! No, Ruby. Stay with us,” Leo said with shaky voice. ”For fuck's sake, Amelie, call help! Now!”

Amelie's hands were shaking and she barely got dialed the right number on her phone and told ambulance to come here immediately. Leo kneeled on the ground and held me in his arms. He pressed my stomach on the spot where the asshole had stabbed me, trying to stop the bleeding but with a bad success.

”The help is on its way, don't worry, you'll be fine,” Leo said crying. He had stabbed me badly, very badly. I was sure I wouldn't make it alive back home today. A tear rolled down my pale cheek.

”I-I love you guys,” I whispered. ”I really love you two.”

”No, no don't say that!” Amelie said. She had also kneeled next to me and cupped my face between her hands. ”They're here in any second, okay?”

But then I saw nothing but black and the familiar voices of my friends faded away.

---

The next time I woke up, I realized I wasn't at home nor a hospital. I was sure I hadn't been there before, it even smelled strange. I was laying in someone's bed and when I tried to get up I still felt pain in my stomach but not as bad as before and a shockingly familiar figure came from the door and smiled when he saw I was finally awake.

”Oh, great! You're finally awake!” he said.

I stared at him with wide eyes and he was just about to say something when I got up very quickly and basically screamed the words out of me.

”Where the fuck am I?! Who– what–?!”

”Woah, calm down. I won't hurt you.” He held his hands up as if defeated and kept a short pause. ”My name is Axl Rose and we just want to help you.”

Tmi/tw/an update

Had such strong cravings for alcohol/such strong urges to say "fuck my health, I'm already fucked, lets fucking lose all this weight you gained in recovery, buy some adderall and vodka and allllll the opiates in the world and at least enjoy however many shitty yrs you have left" except like ???? Okay, so my private insta kept !! Getting !! Fucking deleted !! Idk why, like yeahh i bitch about my drug problems and my mental illness but i have never shared a triggering picture? Meanwhile all these accts with people fkn shooting up are still up? Huh what a concept So anyway, i was thinking of making a side blog. Or i could just vent on here i guess but posting on my side blogs sounds safer. Damn. Been out of the Tumblr world for a while now. Anyway, since it's quite clear that I don't care about a fkn thing anymore... lemme give you all a lil update on the joke that is my life. This one's gonna be EPIC. So. Uh. First things first... I made it five days without any form of any opiate in my system. I did not eat anything in those 5 days. (Wanna lose weight?! Just get addicted to painkillers and develop crohns, then quit your painkillers cold turkey!!! You'll drop 10 lbs in a week!) I did not keep many fluids down, aside from the days when i was in the hospital. I was shitting and puking blood by the fourth day, because my body had nothing left in it to get out. I still smell like the stench of withdrawal - aka, overpowering body odor, desperation, sadness, guilt... etc. On the fourth day, my "stool" was nothing but black and blood.. I knew my potassium was low, not including sodium, etc. Was starting to get chest pains. Blah blah blah. IST was acting up. Whatever. I knew I had no choice but to go to my shitty hometown clinic (and... yeah i hate NOTHING more than that fucking place). Luckily, I got this cool 1st shift dr who appreciated my extensive knowledge of my esophageal and colonic conditions. She also gave me morphine. But I mean, 4mg through an IV is like... nothing. But.. that fucking rush. Whenever I get IV narcotics in hospitals, it's a nice reminder for me to forever stay tf away from needles. Anywhoooo Moving along. So i got some fluids/potassium, two of my veins are dead now (not even bc of drug use, as i stated above.. legitimately because I've had one too many IVs placed or wtf ever) so they had to stick me a million and one times and i was like :))))) yeahhhh keep causing more pain guys because ya know. I can just fucking take it obviously!!! And then.. this bitch drops the bomb that i realllyyyyy have been hoping was NOT true for like... ya know... a fucking year... that... okay fuck it, you guys all know i am a shit person anyway, lets add onto it.. anyway yeah. I have herpes. And my HPV is progressing. Still dunno about those cancerous cells bc no one tells ME ANYTHING but she said i have a severe pelvic infection that is travelling towards my liver. So they're like "lets do a REALLY intense course of antibiotics" and im like ??? Fucking a man im getting mad just writing this all out. Anyway i was like uhm. How tf am i supposed to keep down antibiotics when i CAN'T EVEN KEEP DOWN WATER THAT IS WHY I'M FUCKING HERE JFCCCC. And they were like "yeah we're aware but you legit do not have a choice" bc yeah, don't want my liver to go downhill (I've been such a lil fuck to my drs lately.... could not care less tho bc they deserve my bluntness) so i called my new case worker (she is super chill, super gay, lets me swear and call my drs fuckers as much as i want, which is dope) and basically explained, she said she's gonna try and get me back on subs legally so i can at least nourish myself and keep my health up (ill still be in pain but I'm learning that id rather have my body not slowly dying and be in pain... what a cool sacrifice. I also was like... "Hey yeah no hospital is gonna admit me rn... and my health is worse now than it was in '14 when i weighed 60 lbs less so like... I'm going to use street subs. Or opiates in general. For a few days. So i can get my electrolytes back somehow... also did i mention i have herpes? *bawling ensues* anywhooo... Just thought I'd let you know." And she was like "Fair enough. You need to eat." And i was like okay cool tell my dr and his bitchy nurse that usually replies to my messages bc i do not need anymore fucking stigma rn .. okay? Tyvm" so that was.. that i guess. So yeah. I used. On day 5. And... i didn't even truly fucking want to. That's the worst fucking part of this whole fucked up bullshit... I WANT TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND SHOW THEM THAT I CAN DO THIS. And i could have. If it wasn't for my poor health... i fucking could have. And I'm gonna tell that to my pdoc when I see him. But you know what? I fucking ate. I kept down a loooottttt of liquids. Opiate wds technically cannot kill you. And the thing is... I've been through the "near fatal" ones (booze and benzos)... but I always caught my alcohol dts super fast, got treated and then away i went. But no. Opiate withdrawals will not be dangerous~~~..... to a person who is in decent health. I say decent bc lbs if you're using them either legally or illegally, something is already prob wrong lol. I remember a story that my ex sponsor who is now a good but distant friend (who relapsed, and when she relapsed, we became close lol shes sober now tho dw) told me once about opiate dts... she said one of her friends was so dehydrated, malnourished, etc... that he almost did die. And it took him almost dying for anyone to take him seriously. And, as I was laying in that miserable hospital bed... I remembered that. Opiate wds cannot kill you, but you're gonna wanna a) kill yourself, because it's honestly fucking easier that way (or so your mind will tell you) and b) if you're in poor health... try and find a detox center/hospital that will take you. ASAP. On tuesday... fuck i lost my train of thought... (in other news, i now have a promethazine script and... boy oh boy lol probably the best non naroticc/not scjeduled drug I've ever gotten my grubby lil hands on)... yeah idk that's all I publicly got rn. If you actually read all this... 👀 @ you, Ashley, bc ik you're the only one who reads my shit on here anymore (love you for that, btw 💜)... but yeah if you read this all, you guys are the real MVPs... I'm gonna start using one of my private blogs on here. Mainly because..welll...its fucking private and also really enjoy the fact that i saved the URL "clonqz3pain" so... yeah that's all I got. Hope you all are doing better than me.

Lemon! I want to hear about your cats' names, personalities, and the most annoying and sweetest habbits!

Do you have any pets and what are their names?: OH BOY.  I don’t think you realize what you’ve gotten yourself into but here goes lol.

The pet I have had the longest is actually my wonderful corn snake Hannibal. He’s an extreme okeetee morph and he’ll be 4 years old in June. He is a precious noodle, very sweet. I’ve had him since he was only 2 weeks old. Back then, he hadn’t been socialized at all, so every time I tried to get him out of his terrarium, he would repeatedly bite me lol. Thus, he earned his name. AND THEN. One night a couple years ago, he escaped his enclosure. I couldn’t find him ANYWHERE. I searched my entire room, the only place he could have gone was through a hole in the wall in my closet. I thought, well, it figures. He’s living up to his name again. How unfortunate. But I left a frozen/thawed feeder mouse out on the closet floor the next night and OF COURSE he was lured back by the prospect of food and I managed to catch him. Naughty noodle, but I adore him. Unfortunately, his feline sister wants to eat him...

At the shelter, they called her Faith. She was 1 year old, the most petite little calico kitty you’ve ever seen. I saw her photo online and we went to meet her specifically. When I entered the room full of 50+ free-roaming cats, I knelt down a few feet from her and she immediately came to me and jumped up on my leg for loves, literally hissing and swatting at the other cat that tried to come sniff me lol. My heart was stolen instantly. We renamed her Robin because my husband desperately wants a cat named Batman someday lol, and she settled into our family like it was meant to be. She is almost 4.5 years old now, and such a love. She drools when she is happy, and she has the most quiet, subtle purr ever. She is notorious for chewing on plastic though, the dork, so we have to be careful about leaving anything where she can reach it. And by that I mean, we can’t leave anything ANYWHERE because she rules this house and is allowed on every surface lol. Well... every surface except for the lid on Hannibal’s cage. I’m worried she will bust through the mesh! D:

About a year after we adopted Robin, we adopted a little longhair tuxedo kitten that we named Gau (the Japanese onomatopoeia for a lion’s roar). He was sick his whole little life, my poor GauGau. We made what little time he had on earth the happiest it could be. He finally succumbed to liver failure and an abdominal mass due to FIP, and we had to put him down at only 7 months old. It broke my fucking heart. I was devastated for so, so long. But it was because of him and his health issues that I began my research into feline health and nutrition and learned just how terrible so much commercial cat food is for cats. It was because of him that I began making cat food myself and even though he didn’t live long enough to benefit from it, Robin surely has, but even more critically, so has Quixote.

Quixote (named after the ‘There Might Be Giants’ film reference of Don Quixote) was one of the only things that brought me out of the devastation of losing Gau. I put a deposit down on a pedigreed ragdoll kitten through a breeder about 3-4 weeks after Gau passed away. Knowing that I had something to look forward to kept me going, even though most of 2015 was a grey fog of despair. We brought Q home that October. He was a bit sick, but I expected him to bounce back asap. He didn’t. His respiratory concerns and his watery eye lingered despite the frequent vet care we sought for him. After about 6 weeks, things finally calmed down, but never truly resolved, occasionally worsening. He was a crazy, energetic little puff ball though. So happy and always ready to get into trouble. Unfortunately, his health has always been affected by what we now know is a TON of allergies. 31 environmental allergens and 11 food allergens. When we got the test back, my vet told me point blank, “It’s a good thing you already make his food and can control all the ingredients, because I don’t know what he would eat otherwise!” Despite being a financial blackhole, he is the PERFECT little fuzz ball. He’s still rotten to the core and picks fights with Robin and gets into all sorts of trouble, but I’m extremely bonded to him and him to me. I can’t imagine life without him. He plays fetch and talks to me and he will literally whine and complain when he’s upset about something. He sheds like a son of a gun though so I am ALWAYS covered in cat hair, but it’s worth it!

About three months after we got Q, we got a shipment of betta fish at the pet supply store I work at. There was one male betta who was vivid orange with bright, metallic teal highlights. He was the prettiest betta I’d ever seen and I thought for SURE a customer would scoop him up immediately, but no one did. One week passed, two weeks passed. I’m always the one who tends to the bettas in my store because I’m ANAL about keeping their frustratingly small cups clean, so every week I would clean the cups on Monday and Friday and keep an eye out for Mr. Handsome, as I had dubbed him at the time. No one bought him. After a solid month of watching him not find a home, I couldn’t help but give in. I bought him myself and set him up with a nice heated, filtered tank on my nightstand, prepared to give him a great and spoiled existence. I named him Poe after Poe Dameron because duh, Mr. Handsome. I couldn’t help it lol. Buuuut he didn’t take well to the transition from store to home and began EATING HIS OWN TAIL. I was at such a loss!! What had I done wrong?? How is it that special needs pets are so drawn to me??? It was maddening not knowing why he exhibited that behavior and it’s a problem we still deal with occasionally even now, over a year later. I think it’s stress related, but it’s not something I can prevent him from doing. I just have to keep his tank very clean so his tail won’t get infected, and keep his tank light off so he won’t see his reflection. At least his tail always grows back! And honestly he’s such a good fishy!! He dances when I come up to his tank! He makes big impressive bubble nests when he wants to show off! I think he’s probably about two years old, but there’s no way to really tell. I’m glad I was the one to finally adopt him, otherwise he might have gone to a less devoted home where they wouldn’t have managed his behavior well. As it is, he is super spoiled and very happy, even when he chews his tail down to a stub lol.

Aaaaaand that’s all of them!! Sorry for the novel... but you did ask ;)