i feel like ive been left behind. i know that’s not the case but idk. i miss them. a lot. i dont think they miss me.

x

whump prompt 132

Whumper keeping Whumpee anxious that they're going to leave them at any moment.

a very tmi, very long, very personal ramble is beneath the cut. i'm putting it here, partially because I don't have somewhere else neutral i can put it and partially because it does explain a lot of the ways i interact with people here. please feel free to skip past it, the tl;dr is essentially i am consistently afraid that i am going to do something wrong and make people leave me and i'm trying to fix that.

During my last therapy sesh, my therapist and I figured out that I live in a constant state of fear. My core emotion that I make 90% of my decisions out of is fear. And today, while driving home from getting my coffee, I was thinking about how that comes from the abandonment wound I carry from my dad and how the first time I was kicked out I was a first grader and that fundamentally changed my brain. But then I realized that my mom did the same exact thing back. She never actually kicked me out, but I lived with the threat of being sent away if I didn't behave every day of my life.

So, then I grew up constantly trying. If I was the best at everything, if I was the smartest and funniest and nicest and most understanding, I wouldn't get kicked out. That instability still haunts me to this day and I find it so funny that this hobby has become such a large part of me, this community and all of it's ups and downs, when it's the same constant fear: that I'm going to be kicked out. And like, "kicked out" feels a little dramatic but I had people here years ago that I would talk to for hours. I knew their family members and I supported them through shit and they supported me through shit. And then they were gone. Not even a falling out or anything, but one day they just. . . didn't log in anymore.

It's funny, we seek patterns that are familiar. If you grew up in a peaceful environment, you're more likely to seek peace than if you grew up in a chaotic space and here I am: constantly afraid of not being enough and being cast aside in a community where people come and go, sometimes without so much as a goodbye. It's like here my fear makes sense. I can say the wrong thing and someone can decide to block me and it answers that fear in my head. It rationalizes that fear that I live with and idk. It's almost like exposure therapy.

If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. I felt compelled to share I think because I'm trying to have a healthier relationship with the RPC and with the way I interact with this hobby. I'm trying to learn that rejection or disconnection isn't a negative reflection on me, or either party really, but something that happens when friendships flex and change. I know I get quiet when I'm feeling afraid and I'm sorry if I've done that to anyone of late, I promise I'm working on it. Thank you for being a part of this space where I can practice healing before taking it into the real world and trying it on for size out there lol.

Trauma culture is getting scared when ur friend gets a partner that they’ll leave you for the partner (because it’s happened many times before)

❤‎

Reflect on Jamis mom leaving her

@isbrilliant / painful reflections / accepting.

i'll be right back. wait here. so she will and so she did. she sat and waited. in a small, broken down spaceship while mari goes to find someone that could help them. the girl is sat in the open hatchway, legs hanging off the edge and brown eyes curiously glancing around her surroundings. dark, grim, quiet. somewhere in the distance there's people and noise, some dim lights while workers slave away tirelessly. she can still feel mari's energy, she's around here somewhere. she's in a good mood, joyous even. and so jami is too. there was no reason for her to worry right ?

sleepiness tugs on her eventually and she crawls inside and into what she has transformed into a makeshift bed. wrapped in a blanket with oddie in her arms, she drifts off within minutes. Knowhere has no sun, it's hard to keep track of supposed days - of time in general. it all seems like one, endlessly long night. she went to sleep in the dark and she wakes up in the dark. nothing much has changed and for all she knows, she could have been sleeping for two minutes or several days. she feels rested but uneasy. the door has been left open for mari but one glance the direction of the opening there was still no sign of her. the girl rummages some cupboards for a snack and goes to sit down the exact same spot she had waited in before going to sleep. the same kind of white noise and dim lights in the distance.

so, she waits some more. like she told her to. if she wandered off to find her, mari would come back while she's not there. the best thing is to stay put. she can still feel her on knowhere. she must be doing everything to get someone's help with repairing their ship right ? as long as she can feel her mother is still somewhere on Knowhere, everything will be fine.

the time passes slowly. she falls into the routine easily.

she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps. she wakes, she sits and waits, she sleeps.....................

it feels like she's having the same dream over and over and over and over again. or is it a nightmare ? it's something inbetween.

half an eternity passes until something changes. there's a shift. mari's energy fades and fades and fades. the invisible string that ties her to her mother is pulling on her, begging to be followed. but she can't. she won't. she's supposed to wait here. mari's gonna come back. she has to come back. sooner or later, she always comes back. the girl sits and waits until she can't feel her anymore which means she's too far gone. instead she's left with a pit in her stomach. the thread that kept them connected had thinned and snapped and she can't help but feel truly and utterly alone.

Angst For the Sadness

Content Warning For: suicidal ideations, death, abandonment, drugs, alcohol

“Please don’t leave me...”

“My heart feels like it’s being broken into a million pieces, I can’t make it stop!”

“You have to go on without me. I’ll only slow you down!”

“What do I do without you here?”

“I can’t just leave you here! I can carry you!”

“It’s so cold... I need to rest my eyes for a little while...”

“I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“I need you. Please.”

“I’m all alone and I can’t take it anymore.”

“What’s the point in all of this? It’s not like anyone actually cares.”

“I want it to be over.”

“I’m tired, in a sense that I’m not really in pain, or just lack of sleep. I’m tired, in the sense that I don’t see the point in continuing.”

“What did you take? Hey! Open your eyes, stay awake! What did you take?”

“I can’t stand by and watch you drink yourself down the drain like this.”

“Everyone leaves. I don’t know how to make them stay.”

“Let me die. If you cared about me, you’d let my suffering end.”

“There’s so much blood, I don’t think we’re gonna make it to a hospital.”

“Don’t go. Please don’t go.”

“Life can be so wonderful still. Don’t you want to stick around to experience it?”

“I don’t know what friendship feels like.”

“I don’t know what love feels like.”

“Isolation is truly the cruelest forms of torture. Trust me, I know.”

ON PARENTS :: an aasimar born to humans, mikael was not seen as a blessing, but handled with fear and abandoned mere hours after taking his first breath. he was found by a circle of druids and raised among them, given a fairly happy life in comparison to what could have been. mikael does not harbor resentment toward his birth parents. rather, he is grateful for the family he was given in return.

many of the grove’s maternal figures helped raise him, so he often jokes that he has not one mother, but five that he holds dearest to his heart.

Seiya/Shiryu fankid, Ryoma.

Birthplace: China,

Pronouns: He/They

Personaily: He loves to learn and he is quiet spritied. They can be shy towards strangers though. However, behind his happy go lucky exterior, they has a lot of insecurities about himself and their relationships with others. This side of him becames more apparent when he gets older.

Likes: His family and friends, Animals(their presence helps calm his cosmo), nature, pulling pranks(more so when he was younger), playing guitar(especially for his animal pals), praticing marital arts, listening stories from his dads.

Dislike/Fears: His cosmo, feeling abandoned, being ostracized, losing control and hurting others, the chores that Shiryu makes them do(he pefers learning marital arts itself, then running errands). 

Bio:

Named after the Longma (Dragon Horse) from Chinese Myth, he was adopted by Seiya and Shiryu when they found him abandoned as a baby. He was born with excess amount of cosmo(similar to Shun) which they couldn’t control. He tries to repress it in fear of hurting others, along with their trauma towards being abandoned as a baby. However, the harm of repressing cosmo, makes him recognize the importants of accepting it, and finding ways to learn how to work with it.

nancy could have steered her son away from horror films but she thought he would outgrow his horror fanaticism. he never did. she once caught him up late watching the first halloween and it was DOWNHILL from there.

The calls of children reverberated through the air, a dozen frolicking in the early snow fallen. To Saber, theirs were familiar faces from frequent visits with exception of her month in Elarips. Becoming regarded as like an older sister — a position carried with remorse, plagued by wonder if they could have saved them had she been more efficient. One of the girls, her braided pigtails nestled in the padded collar of her coat swung her arm, perhaps a gesture to encourage the Servant to join them. half of the youngsters were engaged in a snowball fight, two sprawled on the ground and carving snow angels, while the rest worked together to create a snowman.

A gentle silver wave answered the girl, though no immediate move were made to comply with the request, lest she ignore the once-passing presence which now lingered. “They were orphaned by NULL’s attack”.

✧ duckie , having been deeply wounded by losing his biological family , never wanted to hold people close ever again . he couldn’t stomach connection , he couldn’t stomach finding a ‘ replacement ’ to the family who should have been by his side forever . he was lost , abandoned , thrown around an overwhelming and overstimulating system , and mistreated severely in a way that he was consistently told was the right thing to do for him , to him .

they shouldn’t have been surprised that he was so angry all of the time . they shouldn’t have ever been confused over why duckie refused to cooperate . they should have understood him , or at least tried to , but instead , they were frustrated by him , and they gave up on him swiftly . part of duckie always liked that ; he liked finding control in acting out so badly that he was sent somewhere new . 

but then , he was adopted . not just welcomed into a new group home , not just taken in by a new foster family , he was adopted - for real this time . a family committed to him , despite all of his flaws and his troubles , and they refused to let him go . they nurtured him , they cared for him , they wanted him . he was in good hands , a safe place , he could have finally relaxed , taken a breath , but he didn’t . 

duckie wasn’t built for a family , not after all that he had been through . still to this day , he wasn’t sure that he was built to have anyone be in his company for long . he was traumatised and deeply hurt from the years he endured before adoption , put into shock over such a big transition into a family that actually wanted him no matter what , and a family in a completely different country at that , and he couldn’t allow this family in .

so , he kicked up a fuss . he refused to welcome the change of living somewhere new , which he hated , he refused speak the only language his family understood , thinking it unfair on him to have to forget himself , and he acted out worse than ever . he wasn’t entirely sure of what he had to gain from this , what his ultimate end goal was , but he was determined to fuck things up for himself until the point of no return . but his family refused to give up on him , and then their family grew , and duckie’s attempts at pushing his family away were changed greatly by this . 

he was still only a child when hoseok was welcomed into his family , and hoseok , understanding and speaking korean too , swiftly got past duckie’s strongest attempt at rejecting the family - by not speaking english . at first this was quite bothersome to duckie , but eventually , he actually began to like having someone who could understand him . though the two weren’t awfully close , though duckie never ceased to cause trouble , and though he might have even frightened hoseok to a certain extent , at the end of the day , it always felt nice to have at least one person that he felt connected to . 

this connection only proved stronger with time , after it was put to the test over and over again . duckie was sure that there would be nothing left for him in new mexico after being caught up in criminal activity and made to serve his sentence in prison , but he was wrong . he knew his connection with hoseok wasn’t by any means perfect , the two of them both having their separate issues that added to unease in forming relationships , even with one’s own family , but in the strange little town of shrike heights that they found themselves in , they were still together , and that was extraordinary . 

perhaps one day duckie will learn to appreciate it . perhaps one day , duckie will finally stop trying to run .  

✧ ho duk soo moodboard 04/?? ✧ featuring moon hoseok ( @ofchrysoprase ). ✧ freddie’s twelve days of moodboards 05/12

[ * I WAS NEVER THE PLAYER, IDIOT. ]

[ * YOU MADE ME.]

[ * YOU ARE NOT ME. ]

[ * I WAS YOUR CREATION, DISCARDED FOR A SIMPLE LESSON. ]

[ * I WAS A CHILD, LEFT IN A VOID FULL OF THE CORPSES OF THOSE LIKE ME. ]

[ * I WAS ME. ]

[ * I *AM* ME! ]

[* - a fictive of The Discarded Vessel, deltarune. #glitchyfae]

I was never the player, idiot. You made me. You are not me. I was your creation, discarded for a simple lesson. I was a child, left in a void full of the corpses of those like me. I was me. I am me!

a fictive of the discarded vessel, deltarune. #glitchyfae

Whumpuary 2

Whumpuary prompts should theoretically make up one cohesive narrative, though I'm not currently putting in the effort to flesh out the story around the prompts just yet. I have good intentions to do so eventually. Masterlist. Oh yeah and they're totally out of order, chronologically.

((content warnings: parental physical & verbal abuse, parental abandonment, homophobia, mention of Cruciatus torture ))

promptspiration: @whumpuary 02: "Get away from me."

Whumpee: Draco Malfoy Whumper: Lucius Malfoy Pairing: Harry/Draco whump type: abuse fic type: Deathly Hallows "Voldemort learns Draco hooked up with Harry" AU

words: ~450

-------------------

"Don't speak to me." 

Draco managed not to flinch by holding onto his arms tightly. The Dark Lord and most of the Death Eaters were gone; he thought that he'd be able to talk to his parents finally. He hadn't even seen his father since he was arrested, over a year, and he'd thought…

But no. His father was so angry. 

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, keeping his eyes fixed halfway down his back so he wouldn't have to look at him. 

He looked… bad. Azkaban clearly hadn't been kind to him. Nor had the Dark Lord. He hadn't even realised… 

His father spun around and the back of his hand slammed across his face and made him stumble. "Did you even once stop to think about what you were doing to us?" he demanded. "Did you think about any of your responsibilities? No, I supposed it suits you to have me punished for your failures, doesn't it?" He stepped closer and Draco fell back a step without even trying to answer. "It's bad enough that you failed as spectacularly as you did, when success was right there. All you had to do was follow through with one spell. You could have been a hero, and you threw it away." Disgust and fury fought across his face and he forced Draco back another step. Draco's heel bumped into the baseboard, and he had nowhere left to go. He gripped his arms more tightly and stared into his father's chest while the words washed over him. 

"Bad enough that you ran from the consequences, leaving us to take your punishment." 

His father grabbed the front of his shirt and slammed him back against the wall. Draco gasped in pain — every muscle was still tight and aching from all of the Cruciatus over the previous night, and the impact on his back sent pain running down to his fingertips and his toes. "Bad enough you're a fairy.

"But Harry… fucking… Potter…" His voice was as low and dangerous as Snape's, and worse, because that should never have been turned toward him. That voice was for enemies. "You've ruined everything."

He knew that. Didn't he think he already knew that? He lifted his eyes to his face finally, looking at him helplessly. What he'd really wanted, desperately hoped for, was for his father to know how to fix it…

But there was only anger and disgust. There was nothing that could be done, no excuses that could be given, no manipulation, no strategy, no bribery, no way out of it. 

"Stay away from me." His father threw down his shirt with one final shove against the wall and turned his back on him. "You've done plenty." 

Draco gripped his arms and slowly slid down the wall as his father walked away, trembling.

╰          demigirl  ,  she/they          ☆          𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐄  𝐔𝐏𝐎𝐍  𝐀  𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄  …      we’re  introduced  to  JEMIMA  STERN  ,  the TWENTY  FOUR  year  old  COLLEGE  STUDENT,  ACTOR,  AND  WAITRESS  at  ZIPPITY  DOO  DINER  from  enchanted  falls  who  bears  a  striking  resemblance  to  DIANA  SILVERS.  the  whispers  in  the  wind  tells  us  of  their  SELF-ASSURED  and IRRESPONSIBLE  reputation,  that’s  why  the  townsfolk  often  are  reminded  of  the  snowy  wings  of  a  beautiful  bird  of  prey;  scattered  pages  of  books,  plays,  music  riddled  with  annotations;  looking  the  room  at  an  audition  and  seeing  at  once  the  lost  childhood  she  clings  to  and  the  deadly  competition  in  her  eyes.they  are  often  haunted  by  dreams  of  a  life  lived  as  SARAH  WILLIAMS  (  LABYRINTH  )  .

i. jemima was raised by an absent single father who has since passed away. she has no memories of her mother, but she and her father kept a scrapbook of playbills and newspaper clippings from over the years. according to her cursed memories, her mother had an identity crisis shortly after jemima was born and left the town to pursue her dream of becoming an actress. because jemima believes her mother somehow managed to escape from enchanted falls, she believes she can as well. also important to note that she's an only child here, no toby!

ii. jemima is likely one of the most well-known people in town, if only because of how front and center she always insists on being. she's also held about two dozen different jobs at one point or another, in addition to frequenting almost every local business for one thing or another -- supplies like props and wardrobe for the theatre, thrifting furniture and home decor for her shithole apartment, trying to find the best places to eat. she has a bit of a rachel berry complex: she can be annoying as hell about her talent and ambition, but her confidence is well deserved.

iii. jemima was diagnosed with clinical depression and adhd in elementary school, then general anxiety && panic disorder with pmdd in middle school, and finally ocd and pots in high school. it wasn't until after her twenty first birthday someone actually discovered the cause: asperger's syndrome. paired with a childhood riddled with neglect and emotional manipulation, she didn't learn her central nervous system was irreparably damaged until she'd already learned how to be an adult once. her pots and sensory issues sometimes make it difficult to perform, but it's the one thing she's so dedicated to that she can justify the inevitable burnout.

trauma culture is always waiting for someone to leave because you’re too much to handle, even if they promise it won’t ever happen

❤ㅤ

((Ah fuck it, posting the entire story of Fitzroy and the Maiden from Iconoclasts.

It’s tragic, but a really well-written take on possible drawbacks of immortality and relatively digestible without needing the context of the rest of the game so I want to share it.

(Content warnings for: Iconoclasts spoilers, death, memory conditions, abandonment, and suicide below)

“Fitzroy was a symbol of a new world. A world that recently came alive - after a long time of feeling lost - with a gift from the skies. It came with some arrogance and a sense of grandeur, of course. But he served as a figure of hope. Poor Fitzroy, like any man, fell in love. But the woman was only human, and she eventually passed, while he remained unchanging. During grief, he noticed that he started to forget. It came as both relief, and worry. But maybe the heavens were letting him move on with his purpose? Fitzroy, the legendary man of the tale, would eventually forget the grief of losing his first love, and repeat history. As his years of living continued, unending, he felt memories of his past left him. He could focus on serving the people. The heavens spared him from suffering! But then he met the one woman he truly wanted to always be by his side. A forbidden love. The poor maiden, barely having had time to have real life experiences, was spellbound by the man. Fitzroy felt, with the heavens at his side, he would offer up the maiden to them, to make her like him. He wouldn't have to grieve, or forget. Their love would last forever. But the heavens seemed to betray his wish. The maiden became deformed. Like a carcass, yet breathing. But she was at last eternal! To the horror of Fitzroy... Fitzroy, appearing revolted by the appearance of the love of his life, would abandon his undead beloved. "I must leave the public, until I forget again." He decided that he could not return until he had forgotten what she became, and even who she was. He would wait for the heavens to, once more, grant him the wish to forget his loved one. But he remembered. He eventually hid away from the entire world. He was never seen again. Some say he forgot everything, except the face of his love.”

—The Tale of Fitzroy and The Maiden [pre-bonus boss]

“Here I am, Fitzroy. By the ancestors... You can't even stand up. No more running. No more pity. You and I are unnatural. People are not meant to live for as long as we have. I am losing my mind, Fitzroy. I have been terrified of it... but I got to you in time. Your mind clearly faded a long time ago... You have your body, but not your mind. I still have my mind... but not my body. I leave everything behind, just to be left behind. For you, then by you. We were going to watch every night sky there would ever be, until each and every star had faded. "Eternity" is only the dream of irresponsible children. Nothing with a prospensity [sic] for fear would ever endure eternity. Times we live in may keep our bodies alive longer, but our minds will not keep up. We live for enough time so that we forget everything we lived so long for. Only in death will you atone, Fitzroy. Not in this sanctum of self-pity and doubt. I have remained alive solely for this day. I finally found a person who subdued you. I will bring us death, at last. Do not fear it. That is the only purpose we ever had.”

—The Conclusion to The Tale of Fitzroy [occurs after you beat him as a bonus boss]

(via TvTropes since I didn’t feel like transcribing it myself)