.

hey pink!

i was hoping you could offer some encouragement and advice to me. basically the entire luckyvoidgirl thing yesterday, i acctually liked her success story, it made sense to me and i even listened to cee's subliminal and my parents ended up saying i don't have to go to this dumb event i was dreading so im even seeing successes with it

the thing was she said something that i can't stop thinking about. she said that a lot of tumblr is just misinformation and that the original blog that brought the void to tumblr was divineangelbee and she was exposed for lying about the void. everyone just copied whatever she said and kept spreading the same stuff she put out but her own experience was all a lie. it really got me thinking about how educated this community is about loa, like the void state and loa is so intertwined. luckyvoidgirl never said she used loa and she did something different but she got so much flack bc the void community on tumblr is so deeprooted in loa, possibly bc of angel. but anyways for a community that is so deeprooted in loa, so many people haven't entered and even worse, so many bloggers have been exposed for lying about their success story. the crazy thing is its so easy to lie on tumblr so the fact that so many have gotten caught makes me wonder how many we haven't even caught and really how does a community that knows loa struggle like this.

idk i just can't stop thinking about this and was hoping for some guidance.

hey love! im technically on break but you're not the only one spiraling so i rlly wanted to answer this.

first of all, i want to say she's just lying and this community is great but i can't. the truth of the matter is she is right. the person who brought the void to tumblr was @divineangelbee and she was the one who went around saying it was super easy and anyone can do it and she was and is still pretty much the blueprint for how a lot of voidstate tumblr thinks, but she was exposed for harassing her friends to enter the void for her. since then, many other bloggers who basically parrot the same thing as her have been exposed as well.

however i want to highlight something here. just because someone preaches something and it doesn't work out for them doesn't mean it's false. this is a super old argument, like back when bloggers like cleo and raven were super popular but people were arguing abt Sammy Ingram. basically she was a big affirm and persist girlie and people were going at her for saying this but never losing any weight (her main goal with manifestation was to lose weight but she never did and just gaslighted anyone who pointed it out, saying they were bodyshaming her). while something was off for sammy (maybe she didn't persist or maybe she just didn't bother doing her method at all), her method worked for so many people. there's boatloads and boatloads of success stories from her videos and methods. so someone can be lying about the void and still be giving legit advice.

however, the void state community on tumblr DOES have a lot of misinformation. ive seen people claim the void state is just SATS, just alpha state, theta state, delta state, it's acc just a placebo for you to guarantee manifestations, and all sorts of nonsense. now there's a new addition, people who tell you to pay money and they'll get you into the void state. it's honestly crazy how hard the community went against the luckyvoidgirl but not some of the other stuff i see here.

but anyways, what do you do?

you need to realize that you entering the void has nothing to do with the state of the void community on tumblr. people lying abt entering the void doesnt make the void a lie, it makes them a liar.

ive been in that position where i hailed bloggers and felt attached to this community so drama here messed with me internally. you shouldn't be doing that. please read my Doubts post where i talk about overcoming this and also provide many sources of proof that the void is real so that you don't need to rely on tumblr to know that:

also it helps to find a few reputable sources. i just wanted to give a shout out to someone rn: @voidprincessblog

her page is the page i would recommend to everyone. you can tell the amount of research and effort she puts into every post and you can trust her to be a reputable source on info.

im going to attach this other post of mine for you as well:

i wish you the best of luck on your void journey and hope this helps! 💟

I dont think i have many insecurities. Not much of my own experience with myself or like any of my own traits, are things im ashamed of or feel disdain for or any negative emotion about honestly.

but the one thing that i havent gotten past yet is my insecurity about my issues with communication.

i grew up with good faith treatment being a "treat" some kind of fucking theoretical "reward" never to actually be earned. i felt like i wasnt allowed to fuck up ever at all when speaking. and that didnt come from nowhere if there was any even slight discrepancy in my sentences or sentiments themselves even, i would get interrogated for it. normal simple sentences. my abuser could find a way to make me feel awful for saying i didnt like a food yesterday that today i asked to eat. you know. his child. children, who are routinely indecisive. anyway. i grew up with every fucking conversation being a minefield. we had regular conversations maybe once or twice every other month.

i identify or selfdiagnose with the labels for autism and dyslexia because their symptoms match my experience of my life and im american so good fucking luck affording a diagnosis if you even want one.

I am disabled when it comes to talking. I have times where I go nonverbal. Sometimes I cant think of anything to say. Sometimes i just cant make myself say what i have thought of, it takes too much energy/spoons. I've always been like this. I sometimes fuck a sentence up so bad that the version that comes out of my mouth sounds more like an insult than the compliment i meant to say. I lose my own train of thought, i cant spell with ease, I get distracted from my original points in my infodumping, I will say a word I just read while talking instead of the actual planned next word, i'll think a word but skip typing it, i will sort of speak "in reverse order" saying the end of the sentence then going back to the beginning. i will forget to give full context. i will say a sentence with naked intent not a single undertone or insinuation to be found i meant EXACTLY what i just said. sometimes paired with the last one it will be a turn of phrase that doesnt work and i realize in hindsight Aw Fuck the sentence probably sounded like this other intent didnt it. etc etc. it happens over text as well. I need vocal intonation to know whats up better. i cant read tone over text well. when im low energy i speak more deadpan than usual.

and since i didnt grow up with any benefit of the doubt, since i grew up with someone who would pick One Single Thing and make it my whole personality in his dumbfuck fantasy of what our lives were like, ive ended up insecure that at some point the good faith will run out. ill "do words bad" too many times and friends will "give up on me"

It got buried so deep in my head. everytime i fucked up my abusive cunt father would act like i MEANT the fucked up version. hed also pretend to misunderstand me CONSTANTLY like he wasnt actually confused but hed try to fuck with me by gaslighting me GENUINELY gaslighting me by acting like he couldnt understand what i meant when i said something because i phrased it MILDLY ATYPICALLY. he was never that stupid. The insecurity that i am operating on borrowed time with other people no matter what because of how difficult communication through text and verbal words are is so loud still and i really hate it.

But. I'm an adult now. If someone would rather be a dickhead to me about something that i genuinely cannot control, am insecure about, and try to correct mistakes caused by said disability the exact second after the mistake happens, I can tell them to fuck off.

Beauty of adulthood; no fucking ableist nonsense in my friend groups.

I’m not trying to get you crucified here but tbh I would love to hear your locked tomb criticisms and feel validated in mine

So like im not a professional hater for it bc i simply didnt like it and i only make well thought out analyses if i enjoy the thing a lot for whatever reason and to me tlt is more of a whimper than a bang. so this isnt the most well thought out & its been a year or maybe 2 since i read it. but lets go. i read the first 2 books & not nona the ninth btw, and i enjoyed gideon for the most part due to I Love Murder Mysteries. but once its no longer a murder mystery(& confined to one location) i felt like the whole thing fell apart. (That being said i will suffer through a LOT for a murder mystery) harrow the ninth was like.. confusing and i know thats the point but it couldnt carry itself well enough. like i like confusing narratives i like nonsense and i like it when it doesnt make sense. but it just like. wasnt.. good? i really cant elaborate without rereading and i dont really want to. Also it was very predictable which, how can u be confusing and predictable, idk, ask harrow the ninth

so like anyways the writing is pretty annoying. i cant say its bad writing because it's competent enough but it's like oh my god you referenced this meme from 2016 tumblr you are SO. FUNNY. like i felt like as soon as i would be like "ok this is real im getting into it" someone would drop the dumbest line in the entire world that was a reference to an outdated meme. (I wish i took notes in my book to give you an example but like... you know exactly what im talking about if you've read any of it lmfao) people are like "gideon is just annoying" and yeah, she really was, but her narration in the first book had much fewer meme references and it was therefore sooo much more tolerable imo. Like harrow was genuinely SO bad for it. but both books i read felt very very juvenile. like people will be like "it is NOT ya" but then why does it feel like ya. like ya isnt just subject matter, i would argue that the defining feature in all the ya i read as a teen was in its tone and style. and tlt totally has a similar tone. in an annoying way. like "oh funny and relatable" but like due to everyone talking like a 17 year old from tumblr.com in the year 2015 it was not like, atmospheric at all. and a lot of harrow the ninth is about The Vibe. And the vibe was not coming across well. it just completely prevented me from feeling like i was in another world in like, any way. and this is a pretty fantastical setting..

and now we move on to the fandom of it all. i saw a really good post a few days ago that i did not reblog or save but it was criticizing how ianthe specifically was written like, intentionally playing into fandom troping and it genuinely shows so hard and it's really annoying. like. ok. so i told my friend that ianthe was just discount nanami from utena. and they were like "that is not true because ianthe is a discount homestuck character, also how dare you say that about nanami." (Idk anything about homestuck so i cant tell you any more there) but isnt that crazy. she is a knock off of many. anyways so like her whole purpose is to i dont know. fuck things up in an incredibly non threatening manner? like she was not necessary but its like Omg #Failgirl! god i wish i could find the post because i am not putting it into words

i also generally found the relationships and characters to be pretty uncompelling. like i didnt really care about gideon and harrow it was like woah they like each other now. wasnt really feelin it. i know a lot of people like it and thats fine though. the characters i liked the best were camilla and palamedes and then they dropped the bomb that palamedes was a heterosexual and i was genuinely so upset. like the man had fag vibes. "Oh he could be bisexual" the thing is that he wasnt though. soooooo. this is like so unimportant but i really did feel very betrayed. bc like gay people exist in the series. and not him..? fuck off

Ok thats all for now good bye if anyone want me to reread the books and take notes and critique for real give me money i would do it and i would be so thorough. but i know i dont do these things often so you cant really trust my analysis skills so thats fine. anyways. yeah. um anon if you have thoughts on the books let me know i love to read them tbh. sorry this post is so long i am on my cell phone and i feel like it doesnt deserve a read more. sorry

could u do more high school au's pls? I was thinking maybe rich popular peter who seems untouchable and then grungy tony who just doesnt care for appearances and hes been pining after peter his whole school life

+

could u make it so that tony is rich and everyone knows it but he just doesn't care about his money and doesnt act rich so it's one of those things that u know but dont acknowledge. also if tony's daddy issues made an appearance id be so happy ty.

I’m so sorry for the delay, but I really do hope this scratches your itch! 

***

He had that sort of beauty that almost hurt to look at. So pure and soft. Pink cheeks, small eyes that squinted when he laughed – which was often –; brown, wavy hair, so shiny and silky-looking; thin, pink lips, always stretched in a smile. He had the most beautiful smile Tony had ever seen, too. Honest and wide, happy.

He was never alone. Of course he wasn’t. He was too magnetic, there were always people drawn to his light, following him around, laughing at his jokes, making him laugh in return. Everyone seemed to want a piece of him, a scrap of his attention. And he, being the lovely human being that he was, made room for anyone who wished to bask in his light.

Jocks liked him. Peter was great at team sports, he was light on his feet and good with his hands. He wasn’t in any teams, though, claimed he didn’t have the time, but he was always picked first in P.E. group activities. Tony knew, watched him at practice way too often – from a distance, of course, as he did his stretches and sit-ups with Rhodes.

Nerds liked him, too. He was really smart, an asset to the Decathlon team, and was always willing to help anyone having trouble in class. Even the weirdos from drama club, glee club and the school band loved him – he never made fun of them, on the contrary, he was always very vocal about how talented they were and how he wished he could be a part of their clubs, too.

Girls swooned at him. He was kind and sweet, a good listener, and gorgeous. Guys weren’t immune to his charms, either. The ones Tony knew for a fact that were gay or bi didn’t even try to pretend they didn’t watch him when he walked down the halls, but even supposedly straight guys, like Steve Rogers, sneaked a peek now and then, face flushed, if he was wearing specially tight jeans.

Tony was jealous of all those people, but he learned to deal with it. He’d been, well, admiring him from a distance for years. He was used to seeing people make passes at him, ask him out. Peter was discreet, though. If he ever dated anyone, nobody ever heard anything about it. He was a mystery, Tony wasn’t even sure if he was gay, straight, bi or whatever – there were rumors that he had made out with Wade Wilson in freshman year, but neither of them confirmed or denied it. Tony hated the guy anyway.

“If you keep staring, people are gonna know you’re in love and not actually dead inside,” Rhodey spoke up right next to him, taking a huge bite of his tuna sandwich. Tony averted his gaze from Peter’s table for a minute and looked at his friend, annoyed. “It’s gonna ruin your whole aesthetic.”

“Very funny,” He rolled his eyes and looked back at Peter. There were so many people around him he could barely catch a glimpse of his smile, which was annoying.

His dad’s company, Parker Innovations, had just released a new phone a few weeks earlier, it was ridiculous how many people thought they could get one for free if they kissed his ass hard enough. At least Tony didn’t have to endure that kind of nonsense anymore. People in that school learned very early on that even though he was related to Howard Stark, he wanted nothing to do with the guy – or his company, or his money. They also learned sucking up to him did nothing but annoy him, so they kind of just forgot he existed over time and he blended right in with everyone else – a blessing in its own right.

“Rhodey is right, you’re drooling, it’s a little embarrassing,” Natasha looked at him with boredom as she nibbled on her fries. “You should just ask him out, you’ve been pining for ages.”

“I’m not pining,” he huffed, irritated, and the redhead smirked, raising a perfectly manicured brow.

“Right, yearning might be more accurate. Bruce?” She glanced at their other friend who scratched his chin, pretending to think about it.

“I think obsessing sounds more like it. Rhodey?”  

“Fuck you guys,” he barked before they could keep the game going, and all three laughed at him. Someone got up from Peter’s table and he caught a glimpse of his beautiful face, their eyes made contact for half a second and Tony looked away.

“No, but seriously, Tones. Just go talk to him, he’s a great guy, I’m sure he wouldn’t be an ass about it.” Bruce adjusted his glasses and said that like it was simple. Like he would have the guts to do it if he was in Tony’s position – he wouldn’t, he’d pined for Thor, an exchange student, for a year, and never worked up the courage to ask him out. The guy went back to Norway or whatever and Bruce never even said hi to him.

“I know, of course he wouldn’t, but I don’t wanna be one of those people begging for his attention, just look at that.” He pointed at the little crowd around him, people were almost literally fighting for his attention, the poor guy could barely finish his lunch. “It’s ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but you’re not them,” Natasha said that like it was the most obvious thing in the world and Tony frowned.

“How am I different?”

“You’re a certified genius, you and him have similar interests and you look hot in a ‘I’m gonna fuck  you raw in the back of my car’ kinda way. I don’t know, maybe he’s into that.” The redhead shrugged, again, saying all that like it was obvious and an unquestionable truth.

“Yeah, right, sounds just like him,” Tony scoffed.

Peter was perfect in so many ways – perfect face, perfect body, perfect grades, Tony was sure he pooped out candy or something – of course he wouldn’t go for a guy like him. He had a bad reputation, he was in detention more often than not and people in general considered him an asshole – all because he didn’t partake in their little games of social climbing or whatever. No, Peter wouldn’t go for his grungy ass. He’d probably go for all American, apple pie, boy-next-door Steve Rogers.

“No, she’s right, I’ve seen him looking at you several times.” Bruce pointed out, not for the first time, and Tony scoffed.

“Oh, yeah? When?”

“AP chemistry class. I’m his lab partner, remember?” How could Tony forget? As Mr. Erskine called out their names, Tony prayed to a God he didn’t even believe in that he’d be paired up with Peter, but no such luck. “He stares at you whenever he has a chance or an excuse. You know, when you blow things up, for example.”

“Yeah, which is why he must stare, he must be afraid for his life.” Tony hated to admit that he was way more prone to causing explosive accidents when Peter was in the room. It was fucking embarrassing.

He sighed, drinking the last of his coke. No matter what his friends said, he knew he didn’t stand a chance with Peter. He was… Untouchable. He was too good for him, Tony wasn’t even sure he’d want to taint him if he had a chance –  no, scratch that, he definitely would.

He chose to watch him from afar, allowing himself a few fantasies and daydreams. He had this really stupid and lame one, where he walked up to Peter in the hall, people just parted to let him through, then he gave him his trademark, lopsided grin and asked him out. Peter smiled brightly up at him, holding his books to his chest, cheeks flushed, eyelashes fluttering as he whispered a shy “yes” and leaned up to kiss him. Yeah. That was the whole fantasy.

Peter was so untouchable to him that he didn’t even dare to dream further than that. Of course when he was alone in his room, late at night, relieving himself, a few… less pure fantasies popped up unsolicited, but he felt so guilty then, dirty even, like he was disrespecting him somehow. It was all very confusing, but he still came, shamefully, to the thought of his beautiful face scrunched up in pleasure as dream-Tony fucked him.

The bell rang and everyone hurried to get to their next period, Peter was no different, he gathered his things and stood up, looking around the cafeteria like he was looking for someone. Their eyes met again for a second, but Tony quickly looked away, grabbing his backpack in a hurry to leave.

It was Thursday, the worst day of the week for him, none of his friends were free to hang out with him until later, so he either had to head home and deal with Howard or he had to find somewhere to be for a couple of hours, until Rhodey was done with football practice so they could go to his place. That day, Tony decided to just stay by his car, smoking a cigarette and singing along to Black Sabath’s Iron Man, it wasn’t like he had anywhere to go. He was so distracted watching the smoke dissipate into thin air that he didn’t notice when someone approached, and jumped almost a foot in the air when they spoke.

“Aren’t you afraid of getting caught smoking on school grounds?” Tony almost dropped dead when he registered the angelic voice. He was already having a heart attack as it was, but the boy was so close and he had that beautiful smile in place, blushing cheeks and all. It took almost a full minute for him to calm himself down.  

“I won’t tell if you don’t.” The older teen answered when he finally found his voice and got his breath under control enough not to make a fool of himself. Peter smiled wider, biting his lower lip.

“Your secret is safe with me.” He fake whispered, leaning a little into the older boy’s space and he almost choked on nothing. Peter’s smell was inebriating, expensive and sweet, but not overly so – perfect. He recomposed himself quickly, though, and nodded, but didn’t say anything else. He wasn’t sure why Peter was talking to him and, frankly, he was too fucking nervous to think of anything cool to say. The younger teen deflated a little faced with Tony’s silence; he looked around, seeming a little lost. “You’re Tony, right?”

Fuck, the way he said his name. His name. It was fucking music to his ears, the most beautiful tune. But how did he even know his name? Sure, he was Tony Stark, so not really anonymous, but people often forgot about it.

“Yeah. And you’re Peter.” Tony didn’t play games, he didn’t even try to pretend like he didn’t know who Peter was. It would be dumb anyway, everybody knew him. The other boy nodded shyly, it looked like he wanted to say something else, but he kept biting his lips and looking around nervously. Tony frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“No. I mean, yeah, sure, it’s fine, it’s just, uhm. I have a flat tire and the wheel bolts are really tight and I couldn’t get them off, so I thought – I mean, could you, uh –“ He gestured wildly as he stuttered out his answer, looking in the general direction of his flashy, cherry red sports car. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re busy, but I –“

“Sure, I’ll help, don’t worry.” Tony threw his cigarette butt on the ground and stepped on it. He was a little more at ease now that he knew why Peter was talking to him – he just needed help – and the best thing was, Tony was really good with cars. Of course, one didn’t need to have a PhD in mechanics to change a tire, but it still made him feel really good that he would be able to help properly.

“Thanks, you’re a life saver.” The chirpy attitude was back, as well as the smile, it made Tony’s heart flutter. He nodded sharply, looking away from his face, and gestured for Peter to lead the way.

When they reached his car, Tony whistled lowly, crouching down to look at the completely flat tire, as he tried to find the source of the problem. He was surprised to notice a two-inch cut on the surface of it, and it didn’t seem accidental.

“Fuck, Peter, it looks like someone sliced your tire.” When he looked up at the younger boy, he didn’t look surprised, but nervous. It was an odd reaction. Tony wondered if Peter already knew that – maybe he knew who did it and was scared of them? It made Tony’s blood boil. Why would anyone do that to Peter?

“Wh-what? How do you know that?” He bit his lower lip nervously, scratching his arm, and Tony frowned, worried.

“Here, look.” He gestured for Peter to crouch down next to him and pointed at the cut. “This is clearly a stab mark. Judging by the size and shape of it, I’d say this was probably done with a pocketknife.”

“Oh. Yeah, of course. Clearly.” He face-palmed, like he felt stupid, maybe for not seeing it before, but Tony still worried.

“If you want, I could go with you to the administration. We can ask them to check the security cameras. I think that one might have caught whoever did this.” He pointed at a security camera nearby, Tony knew where all of them were in the parking lot area – he’d been caught smoking way too many times not to know.

“What? There are –? I mean, look, it’s okay, it’s probably just someone trying to play a prank, it’s no big deal, it’s fine.” He stood up quickly, shaking his head, and Tony was positive he felt threatened somehow, he was acting so weird.

“If you’re sure… But if you change your mind, I’ll go with you, ok?” Tony stood up and took off his leather jacket. The weather was nice, just a bit chilly, so he was wearing a thin, white t-shirt with short sleeves underneath. He thought he heard Peter’s breath hitch for a second, but it was probably just his imagination. “Can you hold this for me?” He held out his jacket and the boy blushed, blinking rapidly.

“S-sure.”

Tony bit his bottom lip to refrain from asking, again, if everything was fine. Peter looked so freaking nervous, he was even sweating a little at the temples. Tony was positive he knew who did that to his car, but didn’t want to tell him for some reason. Maybe he wanted to protect whoever did it, maybe it was a boyfriend, or an ex. He gritted his teeth, hands closing in fists, but didn’t say anything, just crouched down and got to work.

The first bolt came off easily, it wasn’t tight at all, so he thought maybe Peter had already loosened it when he tried earlier. The second and third ones came off just as easily, though, only the fourth one was a little trickier, but nothing the younger teen couldn’t have handled himself. Tony thought maybe he hadn’t tried too hard, maybe he was afraid the person who did that would show up or something. He was so glad he was there to help, he wondered if Peter felt safe with him around, and the thought made him feel oddly proud and protective of him.

He made quick work of changing the tires, making sure not to screw the bolts too tight, then put the sliced one in the trunk of the car. When he turned around to look at Peter, he was looking intently at him, almost hypnotized, holding his jacket close to his chest like it was a puppy.

“All done.” Tony smiled and the boy seemed to snap out of a trance.

“Oh, thank you so much, really, you’re too kind.” He smiled broadly and the older teen scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Don’t mention it.” They were silent for a few seconds after that, but Peter kept holding his jacket and didn’t make any move to give it back to him. “Uhm, could I–?” He gestured towards the jacket and again the boy jumped up in surprise.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, here.” He handed it to him and quickly crossed his empty arms over his chest. “So, uhm,… Your dad is having a gala this weekend, right? Are you gonna be there?” Ah, so Peter did know who he was, not just his first name. The older teen leaned against the car and stuck his hands in his pockets, shrugging.

“Not if I can help it.” He smirked, trying to act cool, but now that he didn’t have anything to do with his hands, he was growing nervous.

“Oh,” Peter looked… disappointed? He dropped his gaze to the floor, shuffling his feet, and Tony stood up straight, frowning.

“Why?”

“Nothing, it’s just – my parents are going, so I thought I’d tag along to, you know... but it’s okay.” He kicked an imaginary rock and avoided Tony’s eyes. The older teen stared at him with wide eyes, heart beating fast – what was the end of that sentence? Peter couldn’t possibly mean–

“I don’t – what, you’d go to, like, hang out with me or something?” He felt stupid when he stumbled on the words, but Peter didn’t seem to notice, his cheeks were burning red and he was looking anywhere else but at Tony.

“I mean, you must have much better things to do, of course, I was just –” He chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head, finally looking up at Tony. “Sorry, just forget about it, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“No, wait!” He rushed to interrupt him and Peter looked back at him with huge, Bambi eyes. Tony coughed awkwardly, blushing a little. “I mean, like, uhm… If you – would you wanna go as my date? To the gala?” He blurted out, finally, because what the hell. The worst that could happen was Peter say no, and he could deal with it. He would survive, for sure. It wouldn’t be a big deal. Really. It wouldn’t.

But he didn’t say no, he smiled broadly, eyes twinkling in excitement.

“I’d love to!” He answered quickly, and Tony’s heart fluttered, Peter looked genuinely happy.  “Could you – uhm, text me what color of tie you’ll be wearing? If you want! I understand if you think it’s lame, but I thought–”

“No, it’s fine.” His heart was beating so loud, Peter Fucking Parker wanted to coordinate ties with him, it was fucking corny and cliché and he loved it. “Uhm, here, give me your number.” He fished his phone from his back pocket and gave it to the younger teen.

“Cool.” Peter typed in his number and as soon as he gave his phone back, Tony sent him a smiley face so he would have his number, too. “Cool, cool, cool...” He rocked on the balls of his feet and looked around, like he was looking for something else to say.

“So… Do you have to be home soon or…?” Tony stuck his hands in his pockets again, wondering if maybe he was pushing his luck, but Peter shook his head quickly.

“Not really, no, my parents don’t really mind what time I get home as long as I let them know. You?”

“They don’t really care.” He shrugged, taking one step closer to Peter. “So… are you hungry, by any chance?”

“I’m starving.” He nodded, looking up at Tony in anticipation. It drove the butterflies in his stomach crazy.

“I know a place where they serve great burgers. We could go in my car and I could drop you off here on our way back, I’m just a little worried someone is gonna try to fuck up your car again. I mean, what if they’re targeting you or something?” Just the mention of what happened earlier made Peter nervous. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket and shook his head.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m sure it’s fine.” He didn’t look worried, though, at least not anymore.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, trust me, I am.” Tony found the sudden change odd, but thought maybe he was just trying to play it cool, so he let it go.  

“Okay, then, c’mon, my car is right there,” Tony gestured to his car and Peter smiled, taking his hands off his pockets. When he did, though, something slipped out and fell to the ground with a metallic noise. Tony quickly crouched down to get it for him, when he noticed what it was. “Wh – is that…?” He frowned, examining the pocketknife as if it was alien material. He was confused at first, because Peter didn’t seem like the kind of guy to carry one around, but then it dawned on him. When he looked at the younger teen, his face was so red it looked like he was about to explode.

“Uhm… If I told you I’ve never seen this before in my life would you believe it?” He chuckled nervously, scratching his arm, as Tony stood up. The older teen raised a brow at him.”Sorry, I just – I wanted an excuse to talk to you.” He said quietly, dropping his gaze.

“You know, you could have gone with the weather or whatever.” Tony answered, amused, and it made the younger boy look up at him.

“You’re just very intimidating,” He looked at him with huge, scared eyes, and Tony cocked his head to the side.

“Me?” He raised a brow.

“Yeah.” Peter answered pointedly, and Tony smirked, offering him his knife back.

“You do realize you just sliced your own tire so you’d have an excuse to talk to me, right? And I’m intimidating?” He joked, but Peter didn’t seem to find it funny. He winced and covered his face with his hands, clearly embarrassed.

“You must think I’m such a freak,” He groaned, voice muffled by his palms.

“Hey, hey, yes, I do think you’re a freak.” He grabbed Peter’s thin wrists and marveled at how perfectly they fit in his hands. He definitely saved that thought for later. “But you’re a really cute one.” He grinned and Peter chuckled, a delicate flush rising onto his cheeks.

“I feel stupid.” He admitted, worrying his bottom lip, but Tony shook his head, working up the nerve to cup Peter’s face in his hand.

“I feel flattered,” He said, honestly, and Peter’s breath hitched. He stared up at Tony, eyelashes fluttering, moist, pink lips slightly open. The older teen leaned down slowly and when the Peter closed his eyes, their lips touched. Just like in his fantasies, Peter tasted sweet, his lips were soft and his arms circled Tony’s neck in a warm embrace. When they parted, Tony smiled down at him, stroking his blushing cheek. “Just promise that if this doesn’t work out you won’t, like, key my car or something.”

“Oh, God,” he groaned, but they both laughed out loud, as they walked hand in hand across the parking lot.

Her Aim Was Getting Better

(Ahit ““““““Coffee Shop AU”““““““ rp log)

This is part of an RP between @displacedentities and myself detailing the meet-up between Luka and Vanessa, when she spikes his coffee with the curse. We did this a while back to get a feel for the characters and how that scene would go down, and they nailed it with how they wrote Vanessa. So I asked them if I could post it. Some of the stuff here was written before we had other things established, so some things like Hatties’s age and how long ago they split might be inconsistent with other posts I’ve made, but Enjoy!

(also forgive me for the way i write my parts, I’m not as practiced at writing rip)

(MysticDoodles) Despite the warm paper cup in her hands, Vanessa couldn't deny the chill in her bones. It had yet to go away since that day in court, biting at her skin and hovering just at the base of her brain stem. It always seemed to grow colder whenever she thought about how she got here... the things she'd said. What she almost did to that poor briefcase jockey in the courthouse.

But it didn't matter, anymore. If anything, her mom was happy she lost that case. Losing her husband and... child had stripped away all excuses she had not to throw herself into her work, and her mother was happy. 

Vanessa was not happy. 

In fact, she was seething. 

Luka took everything from her, that day. Her love, her place in their home. His adorable smile, his laugh... they weren't hers anymore. He only gave them to that- little gremlin. The parasite that took his love away from her, her precious nickname given to their daughter. 

Nobody got to be Luka's princess except Vanessa herself. Never again.

She lost the custody battle and her efforts to take Luka's obsession away from him, but she was going to make sure he lost so much more.

Vanessa waited in the autumn breeze, her fingers clenching and unclenching around the coffee cup. Chestnut-infused Columbian. His favorite. A sister cup sat opposite the table, waiting for him. If he was brave enough to show his face. .

(DeusExMakena)  He could see her from his car as he pulled into the parking space, sitting at a table by the large window at the front of the coffee shop. How long had it been now? Around five years, right? Hattie was barely a year old when they split.

He used to get so excited about meeting her, being in her presence, making her smile... and now the very thought of just getting out of his car and making eye contact with her left a pit in his stomach. As much as he'd loved this woman in the past, the way she treated their newborn daughter.... he had to stop thinking about it. Starting this meeting out in an angry mood wouldn't be a good idea.

With a sigh he finally willed himself to leave the vehicle, and just as he looked up their eyes met. The pit in his stomach deepened as he walked up to the cafe doors.

(MysticDoodles) The ice crept up her neck again. Vanessa forced it down, and put up a smile. No reason to start this off as cold as the ice in her veins. 

 Luka can see from her attire that she's doing rather well- financially, anyway. A thick coat against the autumn chill- or maybe from her heart, so closed off- and a scarf stuffed into her bookbag. Her mother must have improved her stipend, now that they split. What a beastly woman. It's pointless to ponder what-ifs at this point, but maybe if Vanessa's mother had been someone else... no. No point.

 With one hand, she gestures to the chair opposite her. Empty and waiting. "Hello, Luka. I got your favorite. You're doing well?" 

 ...the tenor isn't as friendly as it sounds, and feels more plastic than her smile appears.

(DeusExMakena) He hesitates, looking around the venue at the other tennants before wordlessly taking the seat across from her, mostly staring at the coffee cup in front of him.

Why is he having such a hard time looking at her?

"I'm... fine," he manages to force out as he takes the cup in both hands. Come on, man just get this over with and you can go home. "So uh, what brings you here?"

He wishes he could kick himself in the face for how out of place he feels, right now. What do you even say to someone you haven't seen in years, when the last time you saw them had been after an intense battle over the custody rights of the child you fought so hard to protect?

At least the warmth of the cup in his hands provides him with some reassurance.

(MysticDoodles) Something in Vanessa's smile twitches, but it's gone before he can really tell what it was.

"Oh- I just wanted to chat, catch up on old times, you know? I'm guessing the bar exam went well?"

...

Awkward silence, as Vanessa turns her smile away. She lifts her own coffee cup to her lips and takes a long drink, looking at the pavement.When she sets it down, there's a brief moment where her fingertips looked blue. It soon fades back into perfectly trimmed nails.

"...you know why I called you here, Luka. Don't make me lie to you." Her voice grows quiet, though pensive or frustrated is difficult to parse. "You were always better at lying, anyway."

(DeusExMakena) He squints slightly at that last remark and has to do enrything in his power to hold his tongue.

"I dont, actually. With the way things ended the last time we saw eachother, I was almost sure that would be it." he says, probably with a bit more venom in his tone than he should have used, but he was here for less than 10 minutes, now, and he could already feel his patience waning.

"But if you're really just here to reconnect, you'll have to forgive me" he takes a moment to swirl the cup in front of him before lifting it towards his mouth "I'm not very good at small-talk."

Chestnut-infused Columbean bean. Cream and Sugar. So nice to know that she never forgot.

(MysticDoodles) Vanessa smiles as he takes a drink. It's gone by the time he removes the cup again.

"...sorry," she says. Her stony expression shifts into a frown. This wasn't how she expected this conversation to go- but really, she had been expecting nothing, so no pain or gain thus far. "I'm not being very polite, am I? I guess I just- missed you, Luka. It's very different, going back to my mother's apartment after-... well. Being with you."

...

Another quiet sip. Vanessa runs her finger on the plastic cap.

"...do you miss the nights after we studied, when we'd just sit on the couch together and watch garbage movies?"

Before Harriet came along, she didn't say aloud.

(DeusExMakena) Of course he did, he loved her. And as much as he'd love to revisit those moments, to relive the sense of elation he felt when he got her to laugh over awkward acting and nonsensical writing... He just couldn't forgive her for what she did.

He sighs, opting to indulge in her to see where she's going with this.

"Yeah," He takes another sip, looking back down at the table "Sometimes I still wonder why that had to stop."

(MysticDoodles) There's no way he misses the way her fingers tighten on the paper coffee cup. Especially since it's accompanied by an audible pop of paper crumpling in a half inch, and liquid sloshing within.

"They did stop, Luka."

How could he be so blind?

"They stopped when you stopped spending them with me. You spent all your time with our daughter, and not with the loving wife who gave her to you. Don't you see how unfair that is? I deserved your time, too."

Vanessa sighs, her words almost chastising. It reminded of the times she shifted into 'disappointed mother' mode around Harriet. Their one year old, at the time, who didn't understand consequences for things like dropping a toy in the sink. She even had the nerve to sound hurt as she speaks those words.

(DeusExMakena) He is absolutely apalled.

"I-" he doesnt know why he cant find the words to respond. His eyes wide and his eyebrows furrow as he glares directly at her. He shouldnt be surprised by this, really, he saw this coming. Five years, and some things will just never change.

Luka pinches the bridge of his nose, he MARRIED this woman.

"I'm sorry, are we- are we really doing this again?" He sets his coffee cup on the table with a little more force than he wanted to, "You do realize you're getting jealous over a literal one-year old that we both agreed that we wanted to have. I'm her father, I'm sorry, again, for doing my job and raising our child."

(MysticDoodles) Vanessa's long-suffering expression hardens back into stone, pouting out her lip as once more, Luka shows no signs of budging on his stance. How very lawyerlike of him. To the bitter end, he would fight for his side of the case against the opposition. She wished they didn't have to be on opposite sides, anymore, yet here she was for the second time.

"Is it so wrong that I wanted to spend more time with my husband? All toddlers need to learn to share, anyway." Vanessa shrugs, as if this were no big deal. "You never spent evenings with me, anymore, Luka. Every night that you came back from graduate classes and networking with firms, you would go right to her. The honeyed words for me didn't come until dinner, if they came at all. And don't talk to me like I wasn't a good mother- I kept her out of trouble during the day, whenever I was out of rotation."

...

"How is my little Harriet doing? It's been so long since you've squirreled her away."

(DeusExMakena) No. No, no, no, he's not doing this again

"You..." He tries to hold his tongue, but peck, he doesnt want to deal with this right now. He feels his hands ball into fists "No. I'm sorry, no, you don't get to ask how my daughter is doing. You had every opportunity to join us, no one was stopping you from being happy but yourself! You wanna talk about sharing? Then why are you throwing a fit over a over a child spending time with her father?"

 ...

"She wanted a relationship with you, you know. It's... really hard having to explain to a five-year-old that she doesnt get to see her mother because she was too immature to realize 'oh hey! I could hang out with both my daughter AND my husband at the same time!'" He says that last bit in a mocking tone as he picks up his coffee and goes in for another sip, glaring straight at his ex-wife with pure exasperation.

(MysticDoodles) There he goes again. His daughter.

This time, Vanessa doesn't look away as she returns the glare. The medical graduate holds unflinching eye contact as she lifts her own cup and downs half the contents. Trying to make a statement, maybe? She always did have issues with competition.

"...so where does that leave us, then? You drink the coffee I got you, and walk away? Are you really so set on burning this bridge, Luka? Things can go back to the way they were, if you really want it that way. My stipend will get us through the rest of exams, and then we can live a good life together - high paying jobs, a comfortable apartment, as many dates and trashy movie nights as we want. Doesn't that sound wonderful?"

...she didn't say a word about five-year-old Harriet.

(DeusExMakena) Luka takes a moment to stare at her, eyes half-lidded and tired.

He picks up the cup and downs the rest of his coffee, before placing it back on the table and standing up from his seat, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Allow me to light the match for you."

With that, he turns towards the door, ready to leave. Why would he feel bad about burning a bridge that leads nowhere?

(MysticDoodles) Luka can hear the squeal of the metal chair legs as Vanessa stands abruptly from her seat. There's no click of heels on riverstone, but he knows she's got her fists clenched at her sides, watching him. She always did that when she was angry. Maybe this time she'd have some ice on her wrists, now that her abilities were public. She'd put less effort into hiding it after the court case, anyway.

"YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!" Vanessa yells after him as he continues, stride unbroken. "You'll regret this! You won that case, but you'll always be my prince, and I'll always be your princess!"

But legally, she couldn't touch him, now. Luka and Harriet were no longer family. He knew that, and she knew he did.

...

Oh well.

The door closes with a crnk-ling of the bell, and the background noise of the cafe starts to fade back into her awareness. Or lack thereof. Everyone nearby was staring, not that she cared.

Stiffening her upper lip, Vanessa grabs her bag and loops it back over one shoulder. She pats the side, removing the scarf off the copy of 'Ancient Botanicals & You' she'd found at the antique bookshop, and tying the garment back around her neck. With one hand she picks up Luka's cup, and looks inside.

Empty.

A smile traces her lips as she takes it along with her own, and tosses them both into the trash can.

Now all she had to do was wait and see.

Don’t look back Pt.2/3

*Summary:  Daryl is used to his brother coming and going out of his life, leaving him alone, since he was a kid. He’s used to Merle meaning trouble too, and to be dragged into all his messes as Daryl loyally follows his brother. But this time Merle’s mess has reached top and has affected more people than the brothers, and Daryl finds himself wanting to step in and fix it, as once again he’s left alone by his brother. Inspired by me wondering how Daryl felt about having always done as Merle says and yet being always left alone, and especially by wondering how is Daryl so good with kids, handling baby Judith so good, like a pro since day one.

*Tags/Warnings: There’s cute stuff here, but the main tag is Angst. Daryl’s pov, there’s an OC (well…two…), but still, this is mostly a Daryl Dixon fic. Once again, this gets pretty angsty, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Another chapter more! Are you enjoying this?

Also, I’ve been reblogging some pictures of Norman Reedus that I’ve called “young Daryl” and some gifsets that I think kind of have a bit of the vibe of this mini-series. If you want to check it, this is the tag: Don’t look back (Sorry but tumblr doesnt allow me to direct link it)

Link to my masterlist with my other works can be found on the description of this blog. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but tumblr doesn’t show posts with links in the tags.

---

Weeks pass, turning into months, and Daryl feels as if time flies, alone without his brother but not so alone anymore now that he sees Claire and Emily more often than not, having lunch with them sometimes again or just walking with them when they go out for a walk. Emily is eating more things than milk now so Daryl does his best to hunt for her so Claire has fresh meat to make the purees. She always tells him that he doesn't have to but Daryl doesn’t care, it makes him feel useful and he doesn’t know any other way to help them.

He knocks at the door, some squirrels on his bag, and he can’t help his smirk when Claire opens. “You have puree on your face.”

“When I don’t have puree on my everything lately.” She rolls her eyes but smiles. “Come in.”

Emily is sat down on her high chair, a bowl of half-eaten puree in front of her, and she smiles when she sees him, happily babbling nonsense. Daryl can’t help his silly smile, he doesn’t think anyone has ever been so happy to see him, and he doesn’t know why the little girl seems to like him but he’s not going to complain.

“Could you please finish feeding her while I try to have less puree on me? He messes with you less than with me anyway, the little traitor.”

Daryl snorts quietly and nods, sitting down in front of Emily to try to spoon feed her while Claire goes to the bathroom.

“Come on, darlin’, I know, I don’t like peas either.” Daryl finds himself talking to the baby quite often when they are alone, but he would be mortified if someone would hear him. “What if I go on a hunting trip and bring you back some venison, uh? Don’t know if you can eat that…”

“You spoil her.” Claire’s teasing voice surprises him and he blushes, hoping she hasn’t been listening for long.

Daryl says nothing, busying himself with feeding Emily, eyes trained on the puree bowl, embarrassed Claire has caught him talking nonsense to the baby. She doesn’t say anything about it, though, just sits down next to him.

“You know, it just came to my mind, I hadn’t remembered it until now, but a long while ago I was with some friends and we saw you walking into the town with a big buck over your shoulders, it was quite a sight.” She chuckles quietly.

Daryl doesn’t hunt deer as often as squirrels or rabbits, they’re harder to find, further away from the town, but they feed him for longer and sometimes he manages to catch one. Claire mentioning her friends catches Daryl’s mind. In all those months, he hasn’t seen any of them, neither has Claire mentioned them, and he was convinced that somehow she didn’t have friends. Maybe it’s just that they don’t live there anymore?

“Where’re your friends now?” He asks, hoping Claire doesn’t find him nosy.

“Well, one by one they eventually left the town.” She begins to explain, as Daryl had thought. Most people end up leaving that town. “There’s a couple still here, but they…well…they don’t really like kids, you know, so when I got pregnant they told me they didn’t want to hang out with a baby cos they’re annoying and all that…and our lives were different anyway…” Claire shrugs awkwardly and Daryl frowns.

“That’s stupid.” He blurts out.

“There are people who don’t like kids so I’m not going to force them to deal with one, but I’m not going to leave Emily alone either.”

Still, it sounds like bullshit to Daryl, with everything that Claire has been going through. Daryl maybe doesn’t know much about having friends, but her friends should have been there, helping there and supporting her. At least that’s how Daryl sees it. He just hums, unsure of what to say, afraid Claire would be angry if he says what he thinks about his friends.

“I don’t talk to them anymore anyway,” Claire adds quietly.

“How’s that?” So she didn’t have friends anymore after all…

“Well, they said this thing…” Claire begins to fidget as she seems to think for the right words, and Daryl shifts his gaze from the bowl to her, he hasn’t seen her looking like that before. “When David, after what happened…you know. Well, they said that I…not I had it coming, but they kind of said I had brought it on myself and my situation was all my fault…guess they never really liked David that much, you know.”

Claire tries to sound nonchalant, tries to smile too, but her eyes are wet as she looks down and Daryl feels his blood boil at the idea of someone saying something like that to her, not only someone but her friends. He wants to find them and put an arrow on those pricks.  Claire seems to notice or to see something in his face, because she reaches out to gently squeeze his arm and Daryl can’t help but flinch at the touch, but Claire doesn’t seem to mind.

“It’s okay.”

“It ain’t okay. What a bunch of assholes.” Daryl tries not to sounds as angry as he feels, but he’s not sure if he manages.

“Yeah well, maybe I didn’t have the best taste in friends, did I?” Claire chuckles weakly. “But I’ve gotten lucky with the friends I have now.” She smiles to him but Daryl just blinks at her, a bit confused, he was just so sure she didn’t have friends, he doesn’t know who she’s talking about now or why they never seem to be around.”

“Who?”

“You, silly.” Her eyes are still wet but Claire laughs and Daryl finally gets it. He doesn’t know what to say, though, and Claire’s smile falters. “Cos…we’re friends…right?” She sounds unsure, as if she thinks maybe Daryl doesn’t think like that, and he rushes to nod.

“Yeah, yeah, we are.”

Daryl doesn’t think he has ever had a friend before, someone who’s not his brother, and he can’t help his smile. She’s her friend, they’re friends. The idea is a bit overwhelming and scaring, but mostly it just makes him oddly happy.

*

Daryl comes back from hunting earlier today and so he decides to walk past the park, see if Claire and Emily are there.  He spots Emily playing in the sandbox, Claire sitting down at the side of it, both of them seeming uncaring about getting dirt and full of sand. Once again Daryl finds himself thinking about maybe taking them to the woods with him once day, once Emily’s bigger and she can talk and all, though he’s not sure if they’d want to.

There are a couple more kids playing in the small park and two women who Daryl assumes are their mothers, talking with each other, but they don’t seem to be paying any attention neither to Emily or Claire, no matter Daryl’s pretty sure there aren’t many other kids in the town and that’s the only park they have. He wonders if maybe they know who her husband was, or rather with which people he got involved, and that’s why maybe they are purposely ignoring Claire. Or maybe he’s just paranoid.

He’s unsure about approaching, but when Claire looks up and sees him, she smiles and waves, and so Daryl goes to sit down next to her. Emily smiles wide when she sees him and crawls towards him, and Daryl smiles seeing she has managed to get sand even in her head.

“We didn’t expect to see you today,” Claire says as she tries to brush some sand off Emily.

Emily reaches out to him and Daryl takes her but hands her to her mother. He can feel the judging eyes of the other women on him, or maybe he’s being paranoid again, but still, he hates it, it makes him self-conscious. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone there. And maybe if they see Claire hanging out with a Dixon they would want to talk to her even less, and she’d still be lonely, and Emily wouldn’t have friends and it’d be Daryl’s fault. He can feel the women’s eyes almost like they burn.

“Gotta go.” He mutters as he gets up.

“Me too, I’m going to have to scrub her for hours until she stops shedding sand.” Claire jokes, getting up and holding Emily. Daryl doesn’t look at her, he just nods and begins walking, trying to rush away from her and the park. Claire follows him, grabbing his wrist to make him stop, but Daryl keeps walking.

“Will you stop? Daryl, stop!”She walks around him to stop in front of him, and Daryl’s pretty sure she’s using the same voice than when Emily has done something she shouldn’t. “What’s gotten into you?!”

“Nothing.” He grumbles, but Claire raises an eyebrow at him without backing off, and Daryl gives in. “They were looking at me, I know what they think of me.”

“You know, Daryl, I know it’s hard to believe, but the world doesn’t spin around you.” Claire teases without malice, sounding fond even, but Daryl’s feeling too awkward for it to make him feel better. “You don’t know if they were looking at you, or what they think, or if they know you.”

“I know it,” He insists, stubborn. “And you know what they think of the Dixons around here.”

“Okay, let’s say you’re right.” Claire concedes, but Daryl knows she’s only going to fight him in another way. “Do you really care about what they think of you?”

“I don’t!” He snaps, no matter it makes him feel self-conscious.

“Alright, problem solved then.”

Daryl guesses she’s a bit right, he doesn’t care about them, they know nothing, they can think whatever they want, Daryl doesn’t care. But they’re going to be talking about Claire if they keep seeing her hanging out with him.

“They’re gonna think stuff about you too if they see you with me.”

“So? I don’t care what those gossipers think about me either.” Claire replies.

“But-”

“But nothing.” Claire stops him before he can say anything. “I don’t care, let them think and talk all they want. You’re my friend, Daryl, alright? That’s what I care about, and that’s not going to change. Believe it or not, but I’m pretty sure you’re way better than most of the people in this damn town.”

Daryl can’t help but feel a bit taken aback by her words, but a smile tugs at the corner of his lips. He doesn’t think he had ever heard someone talk like that about him, he’s not sure he believes it, but he can’t help but be more than grateful for having a friend like her. He stills thinks that being seen with a Dixon isn’t the best for Claire and Emily, but Claire doesn’t seem to want to stop seeing him, and selfishly he doesn’t want her to stop. It makes everything better, less lonely, less harsh.

“Alright?” She repeats and Daryl nods, looking at her with a tiny, crooked smile. “Good. Hush about it now, then.” Before Daryl can say or do anything, she hands her Emily, whose grin as she holds onto him helps him feel almost magically better, with those strange warm feelings she gives him every time he holds her.

“How you managed to even get sand on your ears, sweetheart?” He murmurs quietly to her, chuckling softly, and as Emily babbles some nonsense Daryl can’t help but wonder if maybe she’s actually telling him about her day.

*

The sun is almost down when Daryl comes back into the town, later than he had realized. He had gone out further today, going to that place where he sometimes finds deer, an hour ride from the town.

He has come back with just a couple rabbits he plans on giving Claire. He doesn’t care that much though, it had been nice, he hadn’t gone on a ride in a while now and he realizes how much he had missed it. He has taken his brother’s bike instead of his, he always liked it more and Merle’s not around, though Daryl can almost hear and see his brother if he were to find out. Which he won’t.

He rides directly to Claire’s house before it gets even later, parks outside the house and knocks on the door. Nothing.  He tries the bell again but still, nobody opens and there’s no noise coming from inside. They’re never out that late, always coming home before the sun goes down.

Daryl can’t help but worry. Maybe something had happened, something wrong and they’d had to go out. Or maybe something happened to them.  All kind of worried thoughts knot his stomach and he turns around and back to his bike, but he doesn’t know what to do, where to look for them, where to check if they are okay. There’s a small voice in his head wondering if maybe Claire didn’t decide to just take her things and leave that shit town for good without telling him, but Daryl can’t think she’d do that.

Before he can get on his bike, though, he sees Claire walking up the street, Emily strapped to his back now with the scarf. Both of them smile when they see him, seeming good enough, helping Daryl relax a bit.

“Hey! I hope you haven’t been out here for too long, I didn’t know you were visiting today, sorry.” Claire greets him but her smile falters when she sees Daryl’s face and he wonders if he does look worried. “There’s something wrong?”

“No, just…you weren’t here and it was late…” He’s embarrassed he panicked like that just because Claire and Emily weren’t at home and he doesn’t want to tell Claire. She seems to notice, though, because she gives him a sweet smile and reaches out to squeeze his hand.

“We were in the park and I lost the track of time a bit.” She chuckles as she goes to open the door. “Do you want to have dinner with us? Since you are already here.”

Daryl hesitates for a couple of seconds but finally he nods, following Claire inside. Claire unwraps the scarf and leaves Emily on a big blanket that is spread on the floor with some toys, but the little girl crawls towards Daryl, babbling, and so he picks her up. Daryl feels like time has fled since that first time he held her but Emily looks way bigger now, he wouldn’t be surprised to see her walking one of these days, though Claire says it’s still too early.

“I was just going to reheat some leftovers, if that’s alright?” She asks and Daryl nods, it’s already enough she asked him to come in for dinner, he doesn’t want her to have to cook.

Daryl remembers the rabbits he has in his bag, he had all but forgotten, and he leaves Emily on her blanket, hoping she’d be entertained enough with the toys while he cleans the rabbits. He starts to work in silence while dinner heats in the oven.

“Thank you, Daryl,” Claire says when she sees what he’s doing, and she picks up Emily who was again crawling around and sits her on her high chair. “You really don’t have to bother hunting so much for us.”

“Ain’t a bother.” He doesn’t mind, likes to be out in the woods anyway, may as well bring them some food.

Claire smiles softly and begins feeding Emily her puree before Daryl and her have their dinner. “We met someone new at the park today, another mom and her kid, she’s a couple months older than Emily.” She begins to explain. “And I think we might be friends? We’re meeting tomorrow at the park again. That’s why I didn’t realize how late it was, we were just talking and talking for hours.”

Daryl is still working on the rabbits but he stops to look at her over his shoulder at that. That’s good, he guesses, Daryl has never liked that Claire doesn’t have none else, isn’t friends with any other of those mothers at the park, and he has always thought that it’d probably be good for Emily to have other kids to play with. It seems it has finally happened.

So Daryl doesn’t understand why a sudden fear grips him at her words, why his stomach twitches as if he had been kicked. It’s good that Claire has another friend…a better one, probably. So maybe now she wouldn’t need him to be around anymore, she wouldn’t want to hang out with him, why, when she has a new friend who can understand her better. It’s good for her, it’s what she deserves. It feels like a kick to the gut.

Claire’s looking at him and so he forces himself to speak. “Good.” Claire eyes him like she feels something is off, but she keeps talking.

“She’s called Laura and I think she got a divorce a couple months ago or something, she wanted a change of air so she has moved here with some distant relatives…I don’t think it’s going to take her long to see what shit this town is.” Claire chuckles. “I had a great time, honestly, she’s super nice. You should come to meet her, I think you might like her too.” Daryl lets out a noncommittal hum, he doesn’t really look forward to it. “What’s wrong?” She flat-out asks him.

“Nothing.” Daryl can’t look at her, feeling like an ass for being acting so selfish and not as happy for her as he knows he should, but he can’t help it. “It’s good you have a friend.”

“Well, I already had you.” Claire states matter of factly. “But yes, it feels nice to get to talk with another mom, you know.” Daryl doesn’t know, but he nods anyway. Claire frowns and approaches him and Daryl shifts awkwardly, half expecting her to call him out on his behavior. “Hey, you know you’re my best friend, right?”

Her words take Daryl aback more than they maybe should. They were friends, sure, Claire didn’t have anyone else and so she hangs out with him, but the idea of her thinking him her best friend feels different, and warm, and has Daryl smiling like an idiot as he blinks in surprise, looking dumbfounded and making her laugh. She’s his best friend too and one of the only people Daryl has ever felt like really cares about him.

His life feels better since he has her and Emily in it, since she’s her friend. He doesn’t know how to say that to her, though, and it makes him embarrassed, so he doesn’t think he’ll ever do.

“Come here, silly.” Claire wraps her arms around him to hug him and Daryl freezes for a moment, holding his breath until he relaxes enough to wrap his own arms around her. He pulls away when he realizes his hands are dirty from cleaning the rabbits and he’s staining her shirt.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, you should have seen me the first time I tried to clean the rabbit you got me, it seemed I had murdered someone.” She laughs and Daryl gives her a tiny smile before getting back to work in silence while Claire sets the table.

“I mean it.” She says as they sit down to eat. “You have been helping me a lot. It has…it hasn’t been easy, you know, I try, but sometimes, it’s hard, and-” Claire trails off, her eyes getting wet, and Daryl feels that stab in the gut that he hadn’t felt in a while. “But everything is less hard thanks to you. You’re my best friend, the best one I’ve ever had. So I’m really glad I got to have you as my friend, and beyond grateful for all you do for Emily and me. You’re the best, Daryl.”

Daryl can’t look at her, his eyes trained on the floor, a lump on his throat as he’s overwhelmed by emotion. He doesn’t think someone has ever talked about him the way Claire does. He blinks quickly, embarrassed to feel his eyes wet. He wants to tell her that she’s his best friend too, that she’s the one making his life less hard, that he’s grateful she thinks all those things about him even though he doesn’t understand why, but he can’t say it, can’t find the words.

“I’m happy you’re my friend too.” It’s the only thing he can mutter, hoping that somehow she can understand all the things he doesn’t say, and if he can take the way in which Claire’s smiling at him as a clue, maybe it is.

*

Daryl feels strange going to see Claire without bringing her anything, but she had told him several times now that he doesn’t have to hunt something every time he wants to go, so instead, Daryl has a bottle with squirrel stew in his bag.

He knocks on the door and Claire opens, giving him a weak smile, but her eyes are puffy and rimmed red as if she had been crying, and worry grips Daryl’s stomach.

“There’s something wrong?”

Claire looks at him for a second before shaking her head no and Daryl steals glances at her as he walks inside, placing the bottle of stew on the table in case Claire wants it for lunch.

"Told you, you don’t have to bring something every time you come.” She tells him but Daryl just shrugs.

He looks around but Emily is not there, maybe she’s still at the kindergarten where she has been going lately. Claire works from home, so she doesn’t need Emily to be too long there, just a couple hours each morning, saying it allows her to get more work done and it also gives Emily the chance to play with more kids.

Claire is silent as she sits down on the sofa and Daryl feels awkward and out of place. Maybe she didn’t want the company, maybe he shouldn’t have gone, maybe she’s tired of Daryl visiting several days each week. He doesn’t know if he should leave or not, maybe he should ask. But Claire looks like she’s about to cry and so sad, sadder that he had seen her in a long while. He can’t leave her like that.

“Claire, what’s wrong?”

“You don’t know what day is today, do you? She asks, her eyes wet and Daryl shakes his head softly, clueless. “One year ago, today…well, you know what happened…”

Daryl hasn’t realized it was that day. Now he understands why Claire is like that and again an invisible dagger stabs him. Claire looks down, trying to hide her face as she cries and the stabbing gets worse. He doesn’t know what to do and so he just stands there.

“Crying like this while you look is a new level of embarrassment.” Claire chuckles softly, rubbing her eyes and Daryl feels bad but he still doesn’t know what to do. “I think you’re supposed to hold me or something.”

Daryl is hesitant, but he wants to do what he can to help her and so he sits down next to her and reaches out awkwardly, unsure of how to hug her. Claire smiles, chuckling quietly through her tears. She grabs one of his arms and pulls it around her and then she shifts closer to bury her face on the crook of his shoulder. Daryl holds her carefully, trying to help somehow as he feels his shirt getting wet with her tears.

Eventually, he feels her stop shaking and then Claire pulls back. “Sorry about this.” She sounds embarrassed.

“Ain’t nothing to be sorry about.”

Claire smiles softly and leans to press a soft kiss on his cheek, making Daryl blush, he can’t help but fidget awkwardly. “Have I told you that you are my best friend?” She asks and Daryl nods, how he could forget her saying that. "Seriously, Daryl, I don’t know what I’d have done without you this year. You’ve helped us more than what I could thank you. Thank you.”

Daryl doesn’t know what to say to that, her words of affection making him feel warm and cared for but also making him feel awkward and nervous. “Ain’t nothing.” It’s all he manages to grumble. Claire doesn’t seem to mind, she smiles again and leans her head on his arm, silent for a little while.

“It won’t be long until Merle can come back now? She asks and Daryl honestly doesn’t know.

"Maybe he can get an early release for good behavior, but that would be still in a lot of months.” Maybe three, maybe six, maybe another year, Daryl doesn’t know.

For a short while, Claire doesn’t say anything else. “I know you’re not seeing Emily and me anymore when Merle’s back.”

Daryl can only blink in surprise at her words. He didn’t know Claire thought like that. Daryl had never thought about leaving her, whether Merle is there or not.

“Ain’t leaving you both just cos Merle’s back.” He grumbles but Daryl has to admit she has a point.

He still remembers that first time they talked, how she told him she had never seen him not at his brother's side. He knows things are going to change when Merle’s back and he kind of feels his brother is not going to be too happy with this new friendship, but that doesn’t mean he won’t want to keep seeing Claire and Emily. He doesn’t plan to stop, doesn’t want to, not even with his brother there. He’ll find a way to make it work.

“I won’t.” He forces himself to speak his mind, awkwardness be dammed. “Merle’s my brother, but you’re my friend, I’m not going to stop seeing you and Emily. You’re my best friend too.”

His own words make him blush and he’s afraid of what Claire’s going to say. The way in which she grins at him makes it worth. Soon, though, Daryl is looking away from her again, fidgeting awkwardly.

Claire doesn’t push it more. She rubs her eyes and gives him another smile.

“Alright, I’ve gotta go pick up Emily.” She gets up. “Want to come with me? And then we can all have that squirrel stew for lunch?”

“Yeah, yeah sure.”

-------

Last chapter is coming on friday and it’ll be very, very angsty! I mean, I know this hasn’t been a happy fic, but we also have some quite stuff in it, right? More cute stuff coming, but quite a lot, lot of angst too.  What you think, Daryl + baby? Do you find it as quite as I do? What are your thoughts on this fic?

Thank you all for reading! I hope you liked it! If you have a moment, please let me know your thoughts in the comments, your feedback makes my day! 

As always, English is not my first language so sorry if there are mistakes.

If you want to be tagged (or removed from the tags) let me know!

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Question thing tagged by @euthymiclurker

I tag @horse-boy @cinder-valestera @llunaruna @dieeisenkaiserin @pink-catnip

theres like 50 of them so im sticking them in the read more

1. What takes up too much of your time? being on Tumblr

2. What makes your day better?  when my friends get in call

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?  i went to a job fair and then got food at the burger king at my university for the first time and felt like i was adulting so good

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?  wherever i can find a real Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and use it to go anywhere in the universe

5. Are you good at giving advice? i don’t know, i like to think so but sometimes i feel like i’m not approaching the problem people want advice on in any correct manner 

6. Do you have a mental illness? many 

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? nope

8. What musician inspires you the most? Tally Hall, i really like the variety in the way their music sounds and the way they can make nonsense lyrics sound so compelling and catchy

9. Have you ever fallen in love? many times, and every time i break up with someone my brain does its damnedest to fall in love again asap

10. What’s your dream date? getting food at somewhere we both like or showing one of us a place the other likes and then going home to play video games or watch something n fall asleep while cuddling

11. What do others notice about you? my sarcastic and/or straight-up rude shirts (i have one that says “not shy, just don’t like you” and the like dean of my university or something saw it and let me tell you i wanted to die.)

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? i don’t like to talk on voice calls for various reasons (most of which are out of my control but its also largely because i just don’t like talking in general) so everyone who calls me has to put up with me typing

13. Do you still talk to your first love? i have dated or had a crush on so many people i don’t even know who to call my first love. i had a crush on some girl when i was in preschool, i shouldve been thinking about legos and when the next time mom was making mac n cheese was

14. How many exes do you have? uh like 5

15. How many songs are in your playlist? which one. i have like so many. one playlist has over 1,500 songs in it

16. What instruments can you play? none of them. i tried trumpet once but i was no good at it

17. What do you have the most pictures of? anime girl reaction pics

18. Where would you like to go before you die? to my bed

19. What’s your zodiac? scorpio

20. Do you relate to it? sometimes

21. What is happiness to you? having no pressing responsibilities

22. Are you going through anything right now? adjusting to living in a college dorm

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? being a gifted child and believing any of the shit they told me

24. What’s your favorite store? i don’t shop much but i guess fry’s grocery store??

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? life is not nearly as sacred as people make it out to be. i think some people need to accept that life is not as nice as they think it is and sometimes shit happens. if a woman doesnt want her baby for any reason i don’t care, especially because its not even born yet, its in no way taking an innocent life cause that thing isnt even fully formed yet anyways. there are a lot of steps matter has to take to become life and things can go wrong on literally all of them

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nope

27. Do you have a favorite album? the crypt of the necrodancer soundtrack is a fuckin banger

28. What do you want for your birthday? money

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? probably that i’m very quiet or i look like i really don’t want to be there

30. What age do you seem according to most people? people usually think im a few years younger than i am for some reason

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? on my desk or sometimes i fall asleep and wake up to find i was laying on it

32. What word do you say the most? ye

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 20

34. What’s the youngest you would date? 17

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? people don’t usually give me suggestions but they agree when i say what i want to do

36. What’s your favorite music genre? i don’t know i like a lot of kinds of music. i like some weird obscure genres like speedcore or gabber or something but i usually don’t say that. i just say i like “experimental” music most of the time

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? nowhere is safe as long as the US is still a world power

38. What is your current favorite song? The Correspondents - INEXPLICABLE

39. How long have you had this blog for? since September 21st, 2013. so, way too long

40. What are you excited for? the next time i get a lot of money so i can blow it all on video games for me n my friends

41. Are you a better talker or listener? im not bad at talking but i dont like to do it so i mostly listen

42. What was the last productive thing you did? worked on problems for an initial knowledge check for my math class thats starting on friday

43. What do you want for Christmas? to go home

44. What class do you get the best grades in? usually english

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? ???

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? laying in bed and fighting off the ever-present feeling of wanting to just give up no matter how good things get

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? in like 4th grade

48. What age do you want to get married? it doesn’t matter to me much as long as we don’t like have a kid

49. What career did you want to have as a child? astronaut... i still really want to but i know that commercial space travel the way i want it will never become a reality in my lifetime and nor will we meet aliens

50. What do you crave right now? a more comfortable chair. the one they gave me in my dorm is not comfortable at all

 gang!au, gang member!han jisung, florist!reader, underground band!au

chapters: I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X masterlist

warnings: angst and themes of abuse and trauma

🌸 a/n: i actually finished this fic, and it’ll be up in my queue to post over the weekend! it’s kind of exciting to be finally finishing this fic! a hint  for the next chapter is at the end!! hehe

🌸 song rec: arsonist’s lullaby

Your eyelids were still heavy when you awoke. In front of you, though your eyes still blurry you made out a flower vase. You tried to move, suddenly desperate to feel the petals against your fingertips. Even though they were azaleas, petunias, globe amarths, carrot flowers, and asphodels- all dressed in a void black vase. You knew what it meant, you knew what it threatened. But you found your arms sore, propped up and irritated from the handcuffs that hung from the ceiling. As you looked down, your head getting too heavy for your neck to support, you found yourself surrounded eglantines, lemon and peach blossoms, lungworts, phlox, and red rose petals. You couldn’t help but let out a choked sob, your wrists burning, the metal digging into your skin. You arms stayed propped up, but the numb feeling began to spread through your body. You didn’t even look up as he came in, even as he made sure to slam the door shut.

“You know why you’re in here?” You didn’t answer, your voice all used up from crying. You could feel his fingers on your jaw, propping your face up so you could look straight up at him. You couldn’t make his face out completely, your vision blurred but not fading. There were already bruises there you knew, and he pressed down on them further. “Do you? I try so hard to control myself, and here you are, still acting up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you? I should just leave you here, let you learn your lesson.”

His thumb rested against your chin, looking at you intently- what could almost be mistaken as sympathy. It was deja vu, sitting there like a doll. “But I can’t resist you, can I?” No, you guess he couldn’t. That was the funny thing, right? He couldn’t expect to, how could he resist these primal urges? He talked and talked about nothing, and you were glad that you couldn’t pay attention to his words anyway, mind foggy and complacent. “I even brought you flowers. You didn’t have these in your shop, huh? So I got them. I’m a good husband.”

“Husband?”

“Good thing you’re pretty.” He got up, reaching over you and pulled something off your, well, ring finger. “See that? That cost more than your stupid shop.”

Stupid shop.

He slipped it back on, sitting back down next to you as he continued to talk.

“How long,” you paused, voice weak and raspy, quiet, “has it been?”

He seemed surprised by your question, eyebrows digging into his forehead in sudden anger. He got up and paced around the cramped room, not even bothering to watch him as you stared down at your own clothes- crinkled and dirty. “Why do you care?” he seethed, “I could treat you better than he ever could. A low-level drug dealer and a shitty, amateur rapper. Do you see lover boy here? No, you don’t. ‘Cause he’s dead.”

You let out a small gasp, tears brimming at the corners of your eyes and you looked at him. “What did you do?” you weeped, “Please- please, please tell me what you did.” His pacing came to a stop as he looked at you, face contorted with anger. “I got my co-workers to shoot him and friends dead, that’s what I did. Because you’re mine. Always and forever.”

You didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t- he couldn’t exactly be trusted. You grew impulsive, angry with him. Jisung would never, Jisung could never. He wasn’t that type of person- he could never take advantage of people, he could never keep something like that from of you. And here your captor was, smothering ash over Jisung’s name. But you knew he wasn’t lying about shooting Jisung and his friends, even if you didn’t want to believe it. He had tried the same thing with your family back then too. You felt guilty, at fault like you were the one behind the trigger. Anger bubbled like sparkling in your throat like bubbling water, steaming with impulsivity.

“You should kill me too then. I’d rather rot in the ground next to Jisung than spend another second looking at you.”

You knew your goal should’ve been to play the long game, especially after your failed attempt some time ago. How long has it been? You weren’t sure, there weren’t any windows in the room- and the white painted walls burned into your eyes. If you made him angry now, it would only take longer to gain his trust, but the damage was already done- you could feel the blood pouring out of the back of your head. You might’ve been dying, but you didn’t really care. You couldn’t even feel the pain from the hit from the adrenaline, so you continued to push your luck. Because it was true, Jisung had kept you going, your shop had kept you going. How would you ever be able to look another flower without seeing his face?

“He loved me better than you ever did and he didn’t even ask me to be his lover yet. Lover boy is better than you even dream about.”

It wasn’t like you to speak out of your turn, especially with the looming threat of death. You were too far gone, the warmth of blood streaming down your back. The bruises on your jaw from your grip deepening in color as his grip tightened, yelling some nonsense.

Still, even as he looked into your eyes, his breath hot on you- all you could think about was Jisung. How could you not? Your mind swam through melancholy memories.

You were in his arms tonight. His arms drooped over your shoulder, his head pressed against yours- lips brushing against your jaw as he whispered commentary about the movie you were watching. You were leaning against his chest, feeling his heart beat against your back. Knees propped up as his legs circled around you.

“I love you,” he murmured, “probably more than like, shrek.”

“I would hope so, shrek doesn’t feed you,” you paused, “But I love you too.”

And it was true, but you were unsure of the extent of your infatuation and devotion he was refering to. You wanted to say you were in love with him, but it was too much of a risk. If you scared him off now, who would come by your flower shop to spend time with you? Who would carry you off your bed during the weekends just to go to the convience store. Who would wrap arms and limbs around you and sing you to sleep at night after nightmares, after remembering? Did it even matter? You’ve never felt like this before, the only thing that came close was your devotion was your flowers. Maybe it should’ve scared you, that suddenly there was someone with so much importace to you, on the same level as the only thing that got through the Incident. You turned your head, the side pressed against Jisung’s chest. His arms moved to wrap around you waist, tightening around you. Your nose was touching his, lips only a breath away- but he was crying.

“Jisung,” you said softly, “Why are you crying? You chose this movie.”

“Do you think people in love will always end up together?”

You laced your hands in his, intertwining the both of them. “Of course,” you whispered, “Love finds a way.”

You thought it would happen then, his lips practically on top of yours- but it didn’t. He turned from you, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down- something caught in his throat. “Even if the person lied?”

“I guess it depends on the ‘sung. As long as it wouldn’t change your perception of the person in a way that hurt the relationship too much, I think they could make it.”

“What if it did? What if the person wasn’t as good as you thought they were?”

“Sung, is something going on? You can talk to me, I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”

“You can’t. I can’t. We can’t.”

“Sung,” You cupped his face, making him look at you. You turned around, and his embrace loosened but remained around your waist. “I love you. You’re my best friend. I love you more than my shop. I promise that I always will, no matter the circumstances. You’re a good person, I know that. I promise, I pinky-promise.” You held up your pinky, and he brushed away his tears wrapping his finger around yours.

You don’t remember exactly what he had said before he left, something about a band dropping out of the club he played at. He had gotten a call and gathered his things almost immediately. You offered to go with him, you always wanted to see him live with his fans but he always refused. He said that it wasn’t your scene, and all grimy- it wasn’t somewhere you should be, not a play for someone pure as you. But you didn’t feel pure and insisted that he was the purer of you two. But it didn’t matter, when Jisung’s mind was set, it was set. He kissed your forehead, and before the door close he wrapped his pinky around yours without another word.

And then Jisung disappeared again.

It wasn’t the first time, but it was one of the longest. The days dragged on, the day having to pull and drag the night up into the sky. Even the sky’s star shined dimly, there only because of obligation. Ever since you started making arrangements back home at your mother’s flower store, you never liked roses much. But now you were starting to understand people’s obsession with them. It was an iconic symbol of love, everyone’s go-to, and you supposed there was a good reason for that. Its smell was sickeningly sweet, and the petals like velvet. You started getting letters in the mail. It happened every day. And even though you were flattered, you began to get worried. Worry arising.

After four months, you finally saw Jisung again. He kept somewhat in contact, but he had been busy. There were two months with complete radio silence, and one night you saw news coverage of shots fired in a car chase. You hadn’t put two and two together then, not even as you saw Jisung slightly limp as he moved around your store. You remember being conflicted about asking him, but as he kept telling you about his stories featuring his group members, you got lost.

That’s the night it all happened.

But before that, way before that. Maybe it really was love at first sight.

After the hose incident, you found Jisung lingering around your store until closing time. He had brought sweets every day for two weeks until you invited him back up to your apartment.

“Thank god,” he groaned, “My grandmother said if it didn’t work this time, she was going to interfere. Jokes on her, though, I’ve been stealing sweets forever.”

You laughed, getting bold after closing the shop and tugging at his wrist as you pulled him up the metal spiral stairs. “I would be more worried about Minho,” you teased, “you’d better not be slacking off during practice or he’ll chew you out.”

“Ew, ugh! Don’t remind me.”

“So, um,” you looked down, “What do you want to do?”

“Can I pick a movie?”

He had chosen a romance movie, you could’ve gone to the theater instead, but he insisted that he would pay you back for the fee- and that going to the theater would never be better than streaming at home. You didn’t mind romance movies, they were fun to watch. But during the less tense parts of the movies, you could feel yourself falling asleep and before you knew it your head was on his shoulder. If you were less sleepy, you would’ve freaked out as he pulled you closer is fingers lightly drawing shapes on your hips. You awoke when you felt Jisung’s chest heave and you looked up to see him crying. It was the first time you saw Jisung cry, and it broke your heart.

“Jisung, are you okay? We can change the movie if it’s too much…”

“No! Sorry, it’s just…”

“It’s just?”

“I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful than love. I’m going to have a love like this one day. And I can’t wait. Thinking about makes me cry.”

 You were awake now. Eyes glazed over, still heavy with exhaustion and sleep. The blood down your back had dried now, you could feel your hair all bunched together and sticky with the flaky dried and blood. It was throbbing, pulsing almost- the headache was unbearable. How long has it been? How long would it be? You tried moving your legs, a numb static began to make you grow in discomfort. It was for the better though, because otherwise you would’ve felt the rope digging in and around your ankles. It was hard, you had to press your wrists further against the cuffs in order to help yourself. It was awkward, like a baby learning how to walk. It must’ve been hours when you stood there, the feeling finally returning to your legs. Your arms were relieved with the ability to relax, even if they were in an awkward position. They were still strung up, but at least your upper arm could relax.

The flowers in the room had been replaced, but the petals around you were starting to become crisp and brown. Alstroemerias, altheas, arbutus, red and yellow balsams, Japanese rose, jumpers, and kalmias. It made you shiver with disgust and fear. Where was he getting these flowers? Was he going back to your shop? 

You collapsed suddenly, your legs caving in on yourself. Your wrists pulled at harshly as your knees hit the floor. Have you eaten? You couldn’t have, how long has it been? Your stomach began to turn, you were hungry, but that was the least of your worries. Was Jisung really dead? What about his friends, Minho, Chan and everyone else? Were they dead too? How were you to expected to live with yourself, knowing you had brought his misfortune on all of them? If they were alive, how could you expect them to forgive you for the mess you had made? You couldn’t, and you would have to live with the guilt of hurting Jisung for the rest of your life. Because you knew it was dangerous, falling in love with someone knowing that it could be turned against you at any moment- but you did anyway. And now you had dug your own grave. Thoughts were growing difficult to form, the space growing through your coherent thoughts. All you could was feel.

How much time has passed? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes? All you knew was white. You could see the walls fill in the spots in your vision. It was irrational, but you began to hate the white painted walls. The lack of color was draining you, except for the vase in front of you. You wanted to kick it, destroy it completely- you wanted to move and release everything- every emotion and irrational thought boiling with impulsivity in your head. The only thought going through your head, getting louder and louder, blocking the diminishing number of coherent thoughts.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

You cried, even as dehydrated as you were. Your voice was raspy, and you couldn’t even speak words of comfort to yourself. You couldn’t remember, you couldn’t make them out.”It’s…going….to...be...okay.” Maybe it was pathetic but you were the only one you could lean on. You couldn’t hang on to the hope that someone was going to rescue you, especially if the only people you were dead- or angry because of the mess you had caused.

“Have you learned your lesson?”

You looked up, vision spotty and glazed with tears, and nodded desperately. You were mad at yourself for giving in so easily. “You’re pretty like this, “ he cooed, “All broken down and desperate.” He stroked your hair, fingers getting caught in your bloodied hair. “I bet you’re hungry, hm? I’m not going to let you go, so you’re going to have to let me feed you. I’d hate to have to...well, you know.”

You wish you didn’t.

 It felt like you were giving in as you ate, the food dry and difficult to swallow. He sat there for a while. The water he made you drink missed your mouth and streamed down your neck. You sat there, helpless, unable to clean yourself. “What a pretty mess,” he murmured, “What a pretty mouth. Just for me.” You hated him, you did. You hated him like forest fire, like the damage of a natural disaster. He disgusted you, he was disgusting- time and time again, he had taken everything that mattered to you. And he won. You felt pathetic, useless. Jisung was dead, dead and gone and you felt like it was all your fault. It made you shake, your heart thumping against your ribcage, begging to get out.

His phone rang, the ringtone burning in your ear. “Yes… I told you...Just get it...Dead.” He must’ve heard you lean against the metal cuffs, because he got up. He smiled, using his thumb to wipe the water off your lips. You were beginning to panic again, maybe it was a small chance that he was talking about Jisung and stray kids, but any chance was big enough to get worried. Before he closed the door, before you could give a second thought: “Help me take..a bath. Please.” Even with your soft, raspy and broken voice, it was enough to get his attention. Words were getting harder to form, it was getting to harder to even think- but you had to warn them, even if you don’t know what the danger was. Because if the call was about them, some of them were alive- and that meant you could clean up some of your mess, or at least make up for it. He ended the call quickly, uncuffing you. You arms immediately dropped, hands slamming against the floor.

“I knew you would come around. But you’d better behave. I don’t care if I have to hurt you to keep you complacent.” You watched as he pulled at your legs, untying the rope that kept your legs together. You struggled to get up, so he opted to carry you, throwing you over his back. It hurt your eyes to be flooded with color as he carried you to the bathroom. The bath ran and you sat in the warm water, he was watching you as he sat on the toilet cover. The feeling was returning to your body as the water in the filling bathtub lapped against you. “Help...me.” You didn’t want him to touch you, you never wanted to feel his fingers brush against your bare skin. You didn’t trust him, and you never would. Especially not after he did, or tried to do with Jisung. But more than anger, you felt guilt. It was overwhelming, contradictory feelings making your head spin even more. You shuddered as you felt the soap against your back.

“I missed you,” he murmured, “I’ve been searching for you for so long, waited for you so long.”

You swallowed hard, biting your lip as he continued. “I watched you for months. I wanted to take you and carry you away in the night, but I wanted to make him watch. He needed to know you were mine.” You felt hot water pour over your head, the bathtub becoming decorated in a red tint. “I almost gave up, I thought I had lost you completely. But then I saw you with lover boy. I wanted to kill him right there, I wanted to kill everyone but you. He gave a good fight though, beat the shit out of me. But guess who’s dead and who’s got the love?” He laughed at that, massaging something into your hair and picking at the flecks. You felt your wound burn and you moved to cover it, but he slapped your hand away. “Me. I won. You’re all mine, and if I ever see him again. I’ll kill everyone. I’m the only one who loves, okay? Not Jisung, not anyone else. You’re mine.” You heard him murmur that again and again. “I love you, you’re mine, mine.” You brought your knees to your chest, glad that the water hid the fact that you were crying. He didn’t push you to get up though, at least he was that decent. You watched as the red water swirled down the drain. He left and brought a towel, and your dress was clean and pressed. He sat on the toilet cover again, watching in case you wanted to pull something again.

This time you walked, content with being able to feel your weight shift as you walked. You knew this feeling, what it felt like to be completely devoid of basic powers. He led you back to the room, watching the phone in his back pocket. As you entered the room, you took an interest in the flowers. They were beautiful, despite what they meant. It was the only color in the white void of a room, and it mocked you. Your fingers caressed the petals, and the smell was haunting. Your heart was beating again, and you did your best to keep your face blank.

“Aren’t they nice? I got them just for you. You don’t even know what they mean, do you?

“No...tell me.”

“Nah. It’s a secret just for me.”

He moved to set up your ties again, and you got up, legs wobbling with a slight shake as your grip around the black vase tightened. It was now or never. It didn’t happen in slow motion- you knew that wasn’t possible. But you watched as the vase shattered against the back of his head, falling, bursting into tiny pieces as the flowers fell to his feet and he toppled. You knew there was no way he would be down for long, so you fished the phone out of his pockets. You panicked as you ran around the large house, searching for a room to hide in the meanwhile. His phone was locked, but you saw the screen unlock as you typed in your anniversary. You didn’t know where you were, a random room with various boxes. You slide the closet door open, met with the smell of mothballs but you entered anyway. There was a lot of stuff, and you piled things on top of you as you typed Jisung’s number.

It fell to voicemail, and you felt tears well up in your eyes.

“Jisung….it’s me….don’t have time, please...he’s send..ing...someone. Be safe..please...I’m in love.... with you. I’m sorry.”

You ended the call, typing in the emergency number.

“What’s your emergency?”

“I’m trapped...abducted.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“No.”

“Okay, stay calm okay? Please stay on the line as long as you can.”

“Can’t..he’s coming. Oh god, I’m as good...as dead.”

“Can you tell me his name please?”

“_____”

“____, as in the gang leader?”

“Yes.”

“I need you to stay on the line okay. Do you remember where you last were?”

“Boseong, my shop...flower shop..mirror.”

You heard the door slam open and the closet door slide open with a large creak.

“Sweetheart? Are you still there? Sweetheart, stay on the line. Is he in the room-?”

“Caught.”

azaleas: fragility

petunias: your prescense soothes me

globe amaranths: immortality, unfading love

carrot flowers: do not refuse me

asphodel in a black vase: death threat

eglatines: i wound to heal

lemon blossom: fidelity in love

peach blossom: i am your captive

lungworts: thou art my life

phlox: our souls are united, unanimity

alstroemerias: devotion

altheas: consumed by love

arbutus: love only for you

red balsams: touch me not, impatient resolve

yellow balsams: impatience

japanese rose: beauty is your only attraction

jumpers: asylum, aid, protection

kalmias: treachery

Please do the ENTIRETY of Forgotten! Hahaha I’m joking, pick your favorite part because that fic is v long 😍

happily, this gonna get l o n g

“The ball was flawless. In the garden, the roses continued to reach to the sky, and the storm brushed away; the lights shut off in the palace, one by one, and the music faded to silence. The prince went to bed with one or two or three pretty women he wouldn’t care for by the next day. Up in his room, Lumiere popped open a bottle of champagne.”

I set the opening to take place almost immediately after “Lit By The Sun,” though this time showing the evening Lumiere and Plumette never got—the stolen croquembouche up in their bedroom, the sharing of champagne among the servants. In the original timeline, obvs they didn’t get that—they got fire and feathers instead—but yeah. I am totally alluding to my own goddamn fics.

Plumette, lighting the candles by the bed, grinned at him over the flames. He laughed and raised his glass.

It’s not a lumiereswig post if there’s not a fucking fire reference.

“He’s turning just like his father—the prince’s father was like this, too,” Mrs. Potts explains to the musicians, who know nothing about the palace or its politics. They nod and move closer to each other on the bed. “We don’t know what he’d do without us. He’ll be fine, though; we try not to intervene. D’you only have wine up here, Lumiere? I could use a cup of tea.”

Foreshadowing of future bullshit, and also reminding the readers that Garderobe and Cadenza WERE NOT PART OF THIS PALACE-POLITICS SHIT. They did not deserve to be cursed!! fuck you agathe!!!! #justiceforgarderenza2k18

“If you cannot take a little sparkling wine, get yourself to bed, grandmother,” laughs Lumiere, and she swipes at his arms and makes him laugh. He eases into a seat between Cogsworth and Plumette and throws his arms around them.

Really trying to remind everyone how fucking close the staff is. The fam. Also, fuck you bill condon for not letting lumiere hug cogsworth every .3 seconds

“Think how long it has been!” he says. “Forty years for you, Cogsworth, but most of my life for mine. Why, I came here as a teenager—imagine me, only a little older than Chip! Fresh out of Paris and still reeking of the apothecary shop.” He grimaces, thinking of his father’s dusty store in a side-street of the city. He had fled, then, looking for the glamor his missed; in his room in Paris he had practiced dance steps, reveled in fashion, adopted the graceful movements of the court as rebellion against the bourgeois facts of an ordinary existence. He had come to this palace, and he had lit into life; dancing and feasting and glowing like gold made Lumiere’s heart sing.

EYYYY IT’S A HEADCANON I TOTALLY MADE UP

but tbh it makes sense to me (and has always made sense to me) that for all his glamor-gold, courtiers-and-candelabras bullshit, lumiere is not from an upper crust background. he’s too extra to have been born to it. That level of golden eyeliner and tequila has to be aspired to.

“We met in this palace, do you remember, mon trésor?” Plumette is close in his arms; her scent—fresh and light, like candy and macarons—right beside him. “I was only fourteen, and I loved you right away.”

“I loved you before I met you,” murmurs Lumiere. “I could never forget.”

Lots more foreshadowing, and also backshadowing. Gotta remind the idiots in the audience which motherfuckers in this story are in love.

The next day is their day off. It is their one day off in the year.

honestly this makes no sense (one day off a year???) but it’s adam. pre-curse adam. i can write him to get away with pretty much any bullshit and be like “””*shrug* uhhh he’s a beast, dudes, of course he banned puppies and kittens from the palace and hates daisies and sunshine”“

also tbh i hate the whole adam dialogue sequence, it’s really badly written

Adam stands in the lonely, empty halls. If he stands in the tower, he can see them weaving their way through the forest and down to the village, to spend their day in the company of each other, in Lumiere and Plumette’s case, or with loved ones, in the case of Mrs. Potts. No matter what, all the servants have each other. And Adam has nobody.

casual evermore references whenever we can’t get in a flame pun

….after all, at least when he yelled they looked at him.

someone told me this line broke them and i am forever pleased. yes mofos!!! relish my very slipshod, mostly shite grasp of the english language!!!!! revel in my poor grasp of human psychology!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Lumiere! The night grows old.”

 The crone grows young.

to make up for the shit in the previous chapter, I really enjoy this bit. the whole bashing-between-the-palace-and-the-village nonsense just makes me happy.

Belle wakes up to a jolt in the road, and the rough wool blanket on her face, and the smell of cheese and paint and horse and wind clinging to her skin. She rubs her eyes and tries to wipe away the sleep. They’re in the wagon, again, and Maurice is hunched up in the bench, encouraging Philippe to trot faster. The contents of Belle’s entire life are jammed in around her, a moving nest of drawings and gear-boxes and packets of cabbage-seed.

aaand we’re with belle. I had to rewrite this chapter about five million times because it wasn’t working—I had planned it out too much in advance, you know, and was just like regurgitating the writing rather than writing it—but I’m happy with the textural detail of this bit. Again, sometimes it pays to use the words around what you’re going for rather than the literal sensation; in this case, cheese and paint and horse and wind, and that rough wool blanket. Home, but also chill, and travel, and being uncomfortable, and the 18th century equivalent of going on a road trip and eating crackers in the backseat while dad’s up front and the crackers making the seat all gritty and reading books in the light of the passing streetlamps, ya feel?

Lilles, Reims, Amiens

i don’t understand french geography

A tiny, delicate gesture from his long fingers; it is a surprisingly sophisticated movement for a man in a yellow peasant’s vest, with candle wax creased in the dirt between his fingernails.

this whole chapter is slightly hard to read because it’s clearly trying too hard, but i hope i got across (or at least, whacked you across the forehead with) the bits i felt were important: lumiere’s current emptiness, but the last imprints of who he ought to be hanging around. i also tend to mention the peasant’s vest too many fucking times, just because the image of lumiere wearing anything that’s not satin & silk is fucking devestating. also, it will be important later, and i need yall to remember that LUMIERE DOESNT LOOK LIKE HE NORMALLY LOOKS

“I am nothing now,” says the man, in a flash of vehemence so sharp it is like seeing a flame in the middle of the forest. He looks up to her—his face broad, and white; and it is an empty face, and beyond the fire in his words there is nothing there at all. It is as if someone washed out all his color, and left him only with his yellow vest.  

you can tell, again, this is a lumiereswig fic because suddenly the language is all about fires and flashing and flickers and flames and there’s probably going to be a reference to the sun fucking setting at some point

also, honestly, this was hard to write because i was seeing it as a fucking movie in my head, and transcribing ‘ewan mcgregor lies on a village stoop looking fucking dismal’ is not what literary writing is made of

He welcomes her to the stoop with the flick of a wrist and a tiny nod with the pipe,

just to remind everyone once a-fucking-gain, Lumiere Is Not Normal, And You Can Tell Because He’s Not Being Very Welcoming. like honestly if you don’t say hello by doing a song and dance what the fuck are you doing

“I knew someone once who treasured books that way as well,” he says, and a smile drifts across his face, homeless. Something in him is sparking up at the story: dim, and faint, but laughing. “He once made me read the whole Odyssey—”

ok yes thank god the fic is finally getting good again

Sorceresses turning people to pigs, and the lily-eaters forgetting their homes, and Penelope undoing the days until her husband returns

ON. THE FUCKING. NOSE

also if i make a literary reference in a fic i am almost 100% of the time trying to make an obvious as fuck connection between the two

Deeply, deeply frightened. Not of the man on the stoop—she has never seen anyone more harmless, to be quite honest; he is such an empty man, with such silent, lifeless limbs—but of the thing inside his eyes when he speaks of his past. It is Other—a thing not rooted in a Parisian background, or the empty face, or the subdued soul. It is a large streak of gray inside the man’s blue eyes, a gray empty and unnatural and as hollow as cold ice. Staring at his eyes, Belle finds herself clutching her arms with fear.

ahhhh fuck subtlty has gone totally out the window. yall are kind and see what i was going for, but i swear this could be better done if i knew shit

It is obvious to Belle that this is a practiced ritual, the sharing of the secret wine.

in retrospect this fic would be sadder if cogsworth or lumiere weren’t friends, but uhh…i just couldnt bring myself to it.

“Oh là là, he acts as if the French accent is difficult,” says Lumiere, puffing smoke….

LIKE YOU CAN SPEAK FRENCH ANYWAY, YOU SCOTTISH DIPSHIT.

“Get off my stoop!” yells the woman. “D’you have wine down there, Lumiere?“

“If you cannot take a little cheap wine, get yourself to bed, grandmother,” calls Lumiere.

and that’s called taking yourself too seriously and referencing your own fic from a few chapters ago

“Mrs. Potts, the crockery-man’s wife,” says Lumiere, and takes a large gulp of the wine. “I barely know her. Thank God.”

PROBABLY THE BEST LINE IN THIS FIC SO FAR. fucking love the simplicity that does so much more than every labored reference to emtpy fucking limbs or colorless eyes beforehands. one simple line and we’re all fucking realizing THE EXTENT OF ALL THIS SHIT

i gotta head off now but i’ll do the rest later tonight

[send me one of my fics (or a bit from a fic) and i’ll do director’s commentary on it—ask here]

okay i am Not Having  A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

 am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when  they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk 

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen

EXO: Mafia (chapter 1)

 ‘You are so boring! Please lets go out tonight’, 

‘No im not, I’m just-’, 

you were cut of by your best friend: 'Look, I know it must be really hard to accept, that he isn’t there for you anymore-’, 

'He is! I know it!’, this time you were the one who interrupted the other. Your best friend gave you a please-not-again-look and sighed. 

'It has been three years since that, I know its still hard for you, but you must get over his death! I really don’t want to sound mean, but i can’t take your sadness anymore, it breaks my heart literally.’

You gave her an incredible look, it was the first time, the really first time, when your best friend spoke the alleged death of your brother out.

 She noticed your face impression and looked guilty while speaking: 'I just mean that he wouldn’t want you to suffer because of him, let him go, let him his long deserved peace…’

'He is not dead, Yoona’, you said seriously,

'How you know? Even the police confirmed it. It has been all over the news after all…’ she said.

You struggled with the thoughts whether you should tell her or not, while staring on your hands.

'Tell me’, she said, 'I know you want to tell me something, i feel it. So go ahead and say it.’

That was indeed the truth, you really wanted to tell her everything you know. Because without her you couldn’t put all the puzzles together, to find out about what was really going on. The fact, however, was that you weren’t allowed to.

'I can’t, I promised him’ you said quietly.

'Who?’ Yoona asked, nearly angry.

'Him!’ you said, 'Junmyeon!’

Her eyes widened: 'What the hell are you talking about?’

'Please Yoona dont get me wrong, I really cant tell you anything.’

She looked straight into your eyes for about about 10 sekonds. Then she nodded 'Well i guess you dont need me at all then’, when she stood up to leave your room, your heart dropped. You hated seeing her offended, especially when it was your fault. You closed your eyes and said 'wait’, she turned around, 'sit down and promise me that you will keep it to yourself. Dont tell anyone especially mom and dad. Im only telling you this, because you are my only best friend and i never had a better one. 

'She smiled 'Of course i wont tell anyone, so, what is it?’ 'He calls me once a month, to check if i was alright’ you said.

 Yoona’s eyes widened 'your joking!?’

 'Why would I joke about such things, huh?’ You could tell that Yoona’s brain was working at hundred percent, she probably didnt know which question to ask first.

 'Is he alright?’ She asked and you nodded.

 'Then,…. then why are you so sad every day, when you know that he is alright?’

 You stared at your hands again, to be honest you didnt know the right answer yourself. Maybe its because you havent seen him for three years now. You dont even know what he is doing or where he is right now. In fact all you knew is, that he was alright. Alright wasnt really a yes tho, so you still were worried about him. Every day, every night you were worrying. And the fact that you can’t talk with anyone about it made it even worse. Not even your mom and dad knew about it. And they were the people you wanted to tell the most about it.

 'What did he tell you, why cant you tell your parents about it, why is he pretending to be dead, why on earth did the police confirm his death, when they probably dont even have his dead body and why was his death all about the news? I mean everyone knows your parents but why was it on tv when its not true? God.. i bet it was really hard seeing your parents crying and beeing sad about his dead, while knowing that actually he was alive…’ Yoona bombed you with questions which you couldnt even answer. 

'Well..’ you started, 'he just said that i shouldnt worry and that he was alright. When i asked him where he was and what he was doing, he said that the less i know the saver i am. And when i asked him why he left us he said that it was too dangerous for us, if he staid. Also he said that he got too deep in some things and now he has to manage to get things go well again-’ your voice broke up. Telling this felt right and wrong at the same time. Your eyes were filled with tears now, 'Im so confused Yoona, … when i asked him if i could help him in any way, he said that not telling anyone about the truth was the best help. And that in fact it wasnt planed for me to know it either. He just couldnt take knowing that im crying about his alleged death. Thats the only reason he told me.' 

You were crying now, 'I told him that if he ever should be needed in help, im here for him.’

Yoona came closer and hugged you 'The only thing that matters is, that he is alright. But…' 

'What?’ you asked looking at her now.

'I don’t know, im really not sure but for me it sounds like some mafia stuff right here.’ she said.

'No, don’t say such things, he would never get in things like mafia. Not him, not Junmyeon.’ you shook your head, not wanting to believe. But if you were honest to yourself and Yoona, you had a similar feeling about that too.

'Don’t worry it was just a thought of mine, when was the last time he called you?’ your best friend asked, trying to make you feel better again. 

You wiped your tears away and answered: 'Well, it was last month, i believe he will call me somewhen this week. He always calls me int the second week of the month.’

'Okay, thats good. Hmm.. look, since we have a good reason today, what do you think about going out today and after that I will stay at your home? You know he is okay so why don’t we have a little fun?’

You screw up your face, in fact you don’t want to go out anywhere, because lately you had this bad feeling about Junmyeon. It almost felt as if he was in danger. And you just wanted to stay at home and wait until he will call you again. To hear his calm voice which you loved so much-

Yoona suddenly interrupted your thinking 'Oh come on, please? Pretty please? The last time we went out together is so long ago… please (Y/N). And besides that, i want to introduce someone to you.’

'I don’t know, where do you plan to go? And what if he calls me and im not home?’

'Then he will call you later again, we won’t be gone for ever’, Yoona joked.

But you weren’t in the mood to laugh about it or something similar.

'Please i beg you! You know for all this three years i went out with others friends, but i wanted you by my side. I respected the fact that you weren’t in the mood tho. But now, when you know that he is alright, don’t you think it is your right to go out and have some fun? Oh and remember? You weren’t even at my birthday party, you owe it to me.’

'Do you really have to make me feel guilty, im sorry on your birthday I… I couldn’t party back then..’ you said.

'I know, I know, I heard your excuses for over a hundred times now and I don’t want them but you going out with me tonight. Come on, its decided! Stand up! Today you can’t say no, remember we have a good reason to go.’ she said while pulling you up from your bed and pushing you towards the door which led to your room full of clothes.

'Your saying this as if we are celebrating something’ you mumbled.

'Excuse me, i just found out that your brother is alive. Believe me or not but thats a big relief for me as well.’

'Okay, okay… I don’t have anything to put on tho.’ you sighed.

'You do, you just forgot about every cool thing in your closet because you were sitting home the last three years’ your best friend said, obviously in a good mood now.

You moaned: 'Oh please, what did i do to deserve all this, huh? I don’t want to meet new people. Who is the one you want to introduce to me?’

'Haha, your not funny and its a boy’ Yoona said, faking a laugh pretty bad.

When you heard what she just said you immediately stop walking, so that she had even more struggles to push you into your clothing room.

'A boy? Why a boy? I really don’t want to meet a boy! I forgot how to talk to boys Yoona! Cant we just stay at home and watch a movie? I don’t know, maybe a drama?’ you tried to talk her out of this idea. Because talking to boys wasnt really your talent.

'Hmm.. let me think about it, uhmm NO! We are not staying at home watching dramas, your life is a drama and you finally need some action.’

You were now standing in the room which was full of designer clothes you loved once. But since the thing with Junmyun happened you stopped going out and, just like Yoona said, forgot about the half existence of your clothes. 

While Yoona was searching for clothes you asked: 'So, whats his name anyway?’

Yoona turned around and gave you a smirk: 'Hah i knew you would be interested’

You moaned: 'Im not interested i just want to know his name?’

She laughed: 'Aha sure, its Jongin and he is really cute, but don’t let his cuteness fool you my friend. He can be really sexy, i bet you will forget how to breath when you see him’

'Stop talking nonsense im not that easy, and when you find him that attractive why don’t you go out with him by yourself?’

Yoona seemed to be thinking, after a while she said: 'I don’t know, we have been friends for over two years now, and he is the one i like the most under my friends, after you of course. And i just don’t have these feelings for him. It more feels like he is my brother. I mean sometimes he is so handsome even i can’t handle it-’

'You know i don’t like guys every girl has a crush on.’ you interrupted her.

'Yeah i know, but even though its like that, his character is special, i promise you will like him. And to reassure you, he doesnt like easy girls. And by easy girls I mean those girls who are falling for him just because of his look. He likes girls more like, … well i don’t even know how to explain it. More like you i guess.’

'Seriously why are you so sure that he will like me? After everything you told me about him, it seems like he doesnt even want to like a girl.. was that understandable? I believe you know what i mean.’

'Because i feel it, and now shut up, put this on, then we will do our make up and face and then we are leaving.’ Yoona said and gave you some really short gucci hot pans, a white crop shirt and a big jeans jacket, your favorite one. It belonged to Junmyeon and since you asked him a lot to wear it he just gave it to you as a present. 

'I don’t even know if my parents will allow me to go out’ you said and hugged the jacket.

Yoona crossed her arms and gave you a seriously?-look and said: 'your parents are the most cool people i know and to be honest with you, your mom asked me today if there were any plans about going out tonight with you. Because she wants you to have fun, at least a little bit.’

'Aha,’ you said 'by the way, where do you want to go?’

'To my favorite club, Jongin showed it to me a while ago and since that we always went there’ she answered.

You sighed 'I still can’t believe im doing that right now, well then i guess i will change my clothes now,’ you went into your own bathroom which was connected only with your room. 

If you were honest it felt good having other emotions then only worrying about your brother. It has been three years and you can allow yourself to have some fun. This is why you love Yoona so much, because she was by your side everyday, and everyday she managed to make you feel better.

After Yoona made your natural make up and hair you found yourself in a taxi on the way to the club. Your parents weren’t at home tonight so you texted them a text message, so that they won’t worry. There were some guilty thoughts because of Junmyun, but you got them out of your mind quickly, because you really wanted to have fun now.

The taxi stopped infant of a typical rich-kids-club, and even though you were a rich kid yourself (well at least your parents were rich) you didn’t feel like you belonged here. After all it has been three years since you visited a club the last time. While Yoona paid for the taxi you got out of the car and looked around you at the people. You saw beautiful girls and handsome boys, most of them seemed to be happy but you felt kind of anxious, and the more you think about that boy Jongin the more nervous you got. You didn’t even know why, you trusted Yoona’s taste absolutely but it didn’t stop the nervousness.

Yoona got out of the car a minute later and also looked around herself, probably watching for Jongin.

You saw her grinning suddenly: 'Jongin! Here you are! She said and went towards the clubs VIP doors. In front of the door for the ordinary people there was a huge line. You quickly went after her, so that you won’t loose her.

When you reached her she was hugging a boy at the moment. The boy -Jongin didn’t even seem to notice you. After the hug Yoona turned towards you and said 'Jongin, thats (Y/N), (Y/N) thats Jongin. I hope you will become good friends as well.’

Now, when Yoona stepped out of the sight, you finally could see the whole boy. The first thing you noticed was his muscular body, which was even more emphasized by his white shirt, from which the sleeves were pulled up. Then his face… Yoona was absolutely right, he was really handsome, he seemed nice and badass at the same time and suddenly you felt like, you might like him if his character is as good as his look.

You noticed that he was also checking you out, from your bare legs to your crop  shirt and face, you felt nervous again.

After he noticed your uncertain look, he cleared his throat: 'Hi’ he said, 'So you are Yoonas best friend she told me so much about’, 'uhm y..yes i believe so’ you said and threw Yoona a look, she was obviously amused by this situation.

'She mentioned that you were pretty, but i didn’t imagine you that pretty’ Jongin said. These words made you blush, 'Thank you i guess’ you replied shyly looking on the ground bc you very really blushing. In the corner of your eye, you still could see his gaze at you.

Fortunately Yoona where there to help you out of this situation: 'So do we want to go in?’ she asked. Finally Jongin stopped looking at you and turned to Yoona  'Yeah i already have reserved a place for us’ he said. 

'Perfect’ Yoona said, opened the door and stepped in, leaving you and Jongin alone. 

Why is she doing the situation so awkward, you wondered.

Jongin opened the door and made a movement with his hand, which also was handsome. You didn’t exactly know why but you loved it when boys had handsome hands. 

'Ladys first’ he said then, you smiled at him and stepped into the club.

You could hear the loud music already from outside, so it wasn’t really a surprise when you were in. You saw a lot of people dancing and having fun, but you didn’t see Yoona. 

So you stopped a little irritated, which made Jongin run right into you. You turned back to him a little embarrassed,

'Sorry, i just, uhm, i don’t know where Yoona is.’ you said and noticed that Jongin didn’t seem upset about the litte accident. 

He simply gave you a smirk: 'No problem, she probably went into the VIP section upstairs,’ he said. 

You turned around again, searching for the god damn stairs, when you felt a hand around your waist slightly pushing to the left. When you looked to your left, you noticed Jongin’s right arm around you. The touch of his hand got you a new feeling, it almost felt like your skin was burnin under his touch. You didn’t know what was going on, but it feeled good though.

Jongin smirked again: 'The stairs are here’ he said. You gave him embarrassed smile and went in the direction he took you. But his hand was still on your waist. It seemed like you had some butterflies in your stomach and your knees got soft. Which you didn’t really understand because you met him the first time and don’t want such feelings for him. You couldn’t really help it though.

'You seem like you don’t visit clubs often, do you?’ he asked in a load voice, so that you could hear him through the music. 

'No’ you replied, 'In fact i wasn’t in any clubs for three years now,’

'Is there a special reason? Bad experience?’ he asked. 

'I just didn’t feel like i want to have fun’ you said and remembered about Junmyun again, but as earlier you threw the thought away.

'And now you do?’ Jongin asked. 

'Yes, I believe so’ you said.

You felt his hand on your waist all the way up the stairs and somehow you didn’t want his hand to leave the place, it made you kinda chill, nervous and good feeling at the same time.

When you got up the stairs, which were really narrow, there were some people who wanted to go upstairs. They were laughing and giving you the vibes that they were slightly drunk already. 

To make some place for the people Jongin pulled you more close to him, making your left body side touching his right body side. 

And again you had those feelings…

When you found the table where Yoona was already sitting, his hand left your side, you felt like you want to tell him to put his hand back on your waist. But as soon as you thought the thoughts, you were ready to slap yourself for being so strange. 

You sat down right next Yoona 

and Jongin sat down right infron of you. In your mind you were hoping that Yoona hasnt seen his hand aroung your waist. And as if she can read your mind she leaned over to your ear and whispered, so that only you could hear it: 'Dont even hope that i havent seen it, he obviously likes you. I have never seen him doing that to a girl before. And that means something, i mean i know him for a long time.'

 You werent sure if you should see it positive, maybe he was doing that to you because he thought you were too easy... Anyway you decided to talk about that with Yoona later, since she was staying over night at your house. 

 The time slowly went by, you and jongin talked a lot together, just about everything. You really started to like him. Also you noticed that everytime you were not speaking or not looking at him, his gaze was still at you. You didnt know if Yoona noticed that as well, but it kind of made you feel a little bit nervous. 

Suddenly a boy stand next to you, he was smiling shyly: 'Hi' he said. You guys replied with a hi back. Yoona suddenly gave you the vibes as if she was nervous, you could guess why, when the boy said: 'Yoona, do you want to dance?' 

 She was looking at you and then at Jongin, and then again at you. You nodded slightly. 

 'Uhm, sure, why not' she said. After you stood up, to let Yoona out and sat down again, Jongin said: 'Thats her crush you know?'��

 Your eyes widened: 'Really? Was that Minseok?' 

 Yoona told you a lot about him and about her feelings for him, but you have never seen him.. 

 'Yeah thats him' Jongin said. 

 'He seems nice to me,' you thought,

 'Yeah he is actually nice, but sometimes he can be an asshole. And lately his asshole-phases has been really often' Jongin told you, drank his drink and looked at his glad. 

 'I think everyone has his asshole-phases. Dont tell me you dont have them' you joked and tried to put your left leg over your right one. When you suddenly touched Jongins leg up with your leg. 

 At the very second he suddenly looked up, straight into your eyes.

 'Im sorry' you said, not wanting him to feel uncomfortable and think that you were trying to flirt with him. 

 He gave you one of his smirks again and said 'yeah i also have asshole-phases' He, then, leaned a little bit forward so that his knees were touching your bare knees now. The table was small, so it was really ease to do. 

 You had those butterflies again, but you werent sure how to feel about it. You liked it, didnt Yoona said that he doesnt like easy girls? Then why is he doing such things to you, you dont even know him two days.

 'Do you know that man on the table in the left corner? Surrounded by a lot of girls, do you see him?' 

You turned around, thankfull for the topic change, but you still feld his touching.

 You saw the man Jongin was talking about. Well, at least you thought he meant him, he was handsome and also muscular.

 He stared at you for about 5 seconds and then he turned to a girl. 

 You turned around to Jongin, who also was staring at you.

 'No' you said, looking Jongin in his eyes, 'Its my first time seeing him. Why are you asking tho?'

 'Well he is staring at you the whole time' Jongin said, which made you feel more nervous. 

 'Really? Why?' You asked.

 Jongin's face impression was really serious, too serious for your taste, 'I dont know, maybe he likes you... No not maybe, he surely likes you.' 

 You werent sure how you should reply to this so you just sat there looking Jongin in his eyes and waiting for him to say something. 

 Unfortunately he was doing the same thing. 

 After a while he said: 'If you dont like it, then show him that you already belong to someone' 

 'I dont belong to anyone though' you said 

'Well i could help you if you want' These words made your heart drop, 

'How do you want to do it?' You asked. 

 'Lets dance' he answered 'act like im your boyfriend' You searched for any sign of joking in his eyes, but he looked all serious.

 'Okay' you said 'But i don't know how to dance anymore', you couldn't believe what you were talking about right now.

 Suddenly Jongin was smirking again: 'Come on, i will show you.' He took you by your waist again, you liked how it fueled..

 On the way to the stairs you noticed that the man was looking at you with furious eyes, which kind of scared you. You were glad you had Jongin by your side and decided to act really natural.

 When you reached the dance floor downstairs, Jongin placed his other hand on your waist and touched your forehead with his forehead.

 You could feel his breath on your lips, you looked him deep into his eyes, not sure about what was happening. And the you just simply put your hands on his wide shoulders. Your knees were soft again and you felt some botterflies flying in your stomach. 

 Suddenly Jongin started to talk, which made you feel even better somehow, his breath touching your lips..

 'He is here, he followed us and he is obviously watching us' he said.

 That made you feel anxious. What does he want from you?.. 

 'Dont be scared', Jongin said, 'you have me.' 

 You nodded slightly but it still didnt make you feel better. You wanted home again, in your warm bed...

'Were is Yoona?' you asked, 'I want to find her and go home, i think thats already enough for today, I don't feel comfortable anymore'

Jongin raised his head 'There she is, at the bar with Minseok,' he said, took your hand and led you through all the people to the bar.

You saw Yoona laughing with Minseok and drinking another drink. 

When she saw you she said 'One minute' to Minseok and lent towards you to ask if everything was okay, because you seemed pale.

You told her that a strange man was watching you and following you around, and that even Jongin noticed it.

'..can we please go home now? This messed up my mood' you finished.

Yoona looked at Minseok who were talking with Jongin, and made sure that no one would hear her: 'Look I'm sorry, but this is the very first time me and Minseok doing something alone. If you want home, could you go with Jongin? I will come to your place a little later i have your keys.' she said with a little bit guilty eyes.

You sighed, because you didn't expect anything else, but you werent mad at her though, 'Do you think he will walk me home?' you asked.

Yoona smiled now: 'Ofcourse he will! Hey Jongin!' 

Jongin stopped talking to Minseok and looked at both of you, 'Yeah?' he said unsurely.

'Could you walk (Y/N) home and make sure she will arrive save there?' Yoona asked him.

Jongin smirked again.

You literally started to love his smirk for gods sake...

'Sure, ill take care, she is safe with me' he said.

His words woke your butterflies in your stomach up..

Yoona said 'I trust you.'

'Don't worry' Jongin replied. 

Somehow you felt safe immediately.

Jongin took you by your hand, smirked and said: 'Lets go. See you Minsoek'

'Yeah' Minseok said.

You smiled at Yoona, who just gave you an amused grin, and then you completely trusted Jongins leadment.

Thats the first chapter, i hope you like it ˆ-ˆ

sorry for any typos 

Episode #10: “He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy" - Brian

Well losing Keaton wasn't in the plan. He was one of my closest allies. I may have screwed things up with Brian. Maybe if I can come up with a lie good enough, we could believe me. Sharky knows that I liked Keaton so maybe theres still trust there. Hopefully. Im still working with Nathan but hopefully he still wants to work with me even though Keaton is gone. I know for sure that I have Bryce. At least that's one ally but who knows.

OKAY OKAY OKAY. Thank fucking GOD. Everything worked out. All the other votes were for Matt so there is no question who is a liar. Because everyone is a liar. But it doesn't matter because our plan worked. Matt is still here. I'm still here. AND KEATON IS NOT!!! Now of course everybody is scrambling to apologize to me. Nick is like oh it was so last minute. Maynor is like "i liked you both so it would keep you both". Nathan is spewing some nonsense. Bryce honestly kind of owned up and laughed it off which tbh i respect. And of course my girl Anna checked in and I told her we are golden. Because we are. Anna was 100% up front with me about this plan so I trust her A LOT now. I told her Brian and I didn't tell Matt about the plan, which is a lie, but it's the smart thing to tell her because it keeps her from being put in another tough position. And I never told Matt Anna was the leak. So Anna should be safe from any fallout after this vote. Nothing to do now but move forward and hopefully Matt or I win immunity and the FB Bois can carry on.

Update: I'm sure as hell not winning immunity because I only got 3 out of 25. Embarrassing. Physical threat who?

Bryce is my final 2.  There, I've said it.  I'm 100% solid on this man as my fellow finalist!  I really hope that we are able to navigate our way to finals together... like, we have our plans, we spilled all the tea... basically Nick and Maynor just continuously lied to me, and like... idk... I feel like Bryce could be lying, but I just feel too good about this connection that I think it's a real final deal.

So fuck me with a spoon and call me Sally because I finally feel amazing about an ally to the end.

Also, we have our "potential vote order."

8. Nick - A goat that could just be brought to the end.  He's not too bad, but he's also someone who could easily replace me in the Sharky-Matt-me trio. 7. Annabelle - Break her duo with Nathan up while also breaking her trust circle with Sharky.  I think it would be ideal for me to take her out now. 6. Sharky - He's the biggest threat and you can't keep the biggest threat around for too long, no matter how much you trust them.

Top 5: Me, Bryce, Nathan, Matt, and Maynor.  This isn't the cutest final 5 ever, but I feel like this sets me and Bryce up for the best final 2.

5. Biggest challenge threat, whoever that may be. 4. Biggest challenge threat now (if it's final 2).  If it's final 3, then biggest jury threat. 3. Final loser (if it's final 2).

1+2. Me and Bryce.  Kings.

omg so brian is my f2 now and thats so iconic... so we think the boot order is gonna be like nick anna sharky and then reevaluate for comp threats.... like so i didnt want to vote matt bc i didnt want to lie to brian bc i really wanted to work with him but nathan convinced me to anyway esp bc we knew anna voted matt already and then GHOSTED. but then matt played idol so someone (maybe nick) prob told him/sharky about the plan... sketchy anyway it worked out bc i hate keaton and am happy hes gone. so when tribal ended i noticed sharky brian matt werent leaving call and they were all the minority voters... well majority bc of the idol... so i went into damage control. it was so iconic bc i didnt even pm sharky or matt just brian bc i really only felt bad about lying to him bc i wanted to work with him so much and matt doesnt respond that much and well sharky maybe i was a lil bad feeling about lying but w/e. i just joked around with them didnt hide anything and was my usual charming self... so i was honest with them about what happened bc i realized like i dont want to work with ppl who lie to me. i forgot if i mentioned this but like keaton and nick refused to tell me they were voting matt even tho we were all supposed to be in on it. and while everyone else was lying about why they voted or when the plan was formed i decided to be forth right. idk if thatll come back to haunt me but hope not NNNN. i was on that call for 7 hours. thats dedication NFJAJDFSHKAJS although they were all iconic and fun to talk to anyway so wasnt that hard but i sleep at midnight the latest usually and it was 2am. but w/e i pushed through bc tiredness is passing but positioning myself properly is NECESSARY. once it was just brian and i we shared everything or at least i did KJFASDKJFA he kept being a lil shady but i think it was fair bc i did just lie to him. i told him about nathans vote spy and the og absolem (minus nick) alliance and all the stuff ppl were saying and he told me about how he knew of matts idol bc he himself had a vote steal and they traded info. so loved that tbh!!! like if we have to use it this round itll set us up good it think, plan is to take out nick bc he can be goated to the end and flipped to and we dont want that. then anna bc shes good at comps and wanna split nathan/anna up. then hopefully work with maynor/nathan/(maybe matt) to vote out sharky bc if he gets to the end he'd win we feel like. after that we gotta see who we can beat in comps so we can beast our way to the f2. we think its f2 bc how days line up but like im bad at math so KFJASDHFJSD. anyways me and brian are like the michele and cydney that make it to the end so get ready for that. sorry nathan, thank you next!

I dont know if i said it last confessional but losing Keaton at the moment was really bad. He trusted me and was working with me. But now it looks like Matt want to start a little alliance. Sharky wasnt bad, was just happy it wasnt him, and Brian not mad but upset. I think i literally may be working with everyone left. Scream team with Sharky. OG Dinah with Brian. Shatter but still together me nathan annabelle and bryce. My rams alliance with bryce. And nick talks to me but is only one who hasnt said we should work together.

So we out here still! I am really happy that the idol play worked and it seems to have shaken the 5 who voted against myself, brian and sharky a lot. they are all seemingly panicking and its quite amusing to watch ngl. However, I am pretty sure I can capitalise on this to my own advantage, to swing the numbers my way or at least to take myself to like 5th (which for me is always a good placing). I am sure as hell not done playing yet so woo lets go bitches!

worried brian is closer to matt than me... annabelle once again ignoring. i dont know how to have a convo with matt like on call sure easy love it on discord? not happening. nick... maynor seems off today but we still chatted for a while... maybe im over? whomst knows! love ain

These questions were all out of left field like wow. I didn't even get to read all the questions. I randomly looked at a question and picked a number. I actually knew more of them than the ones I picked. I only got one right and that was Mickey Mouse and I don't even like him that much. Lets hope people are thrown off by these questions and panic like I did.

So Nathan has come and apologized. I really do believe his plan, although it was super selfish, was to get our group of 4 further. So I'm not mad. But the thing is that more so than Nathan lying it showed that he has real POWER in this game. He was able to get a 6 person majority to do what he wanted and convinced them all to lie to me and Brian. So he won't be my next target because he has my back but I don't have his anymore so he better watch out. Nathan is the biggest threat left in this game.

Okay so it's seems all is at peace. Anna had been worried that Nathan would come after me but it seems that passed. And The Jock Destroyers Alliance actually seems to be on the same page for once. Nick is just seeming like an unknown to all of us and we want to cut down on unknowns this late in the game. None of us can guarantee Nick is with us and that is worrisome. So as much as I've tried to work with Nick these past few weeks it might be time to cut my goat loose and move on with a new flock. I guess we'll find out.

I WON IMMUNITY!!! My wig is flown... now I can be more ballsy over the next 24 hours.  I want Nick gone.  For Nathan and Sharky to think that they're the ones doing this, though, is so annoying because I was literally the one to open this can of worms.  In addition, the reason I want Nick gone is because I want him out of Sharky's ass.  I don't need the two of them to be besties anymore!  I know Sharky is OK with voting him out, but I know Nick thinks him and Sharky are like besties so...

I think that 5 that voted Matt last round were thrown into a tizzy when Keaton went, and so I'm just out here like... lemme revel in the chaos!  Maynor and Nathan both were so anxious for my reaction... Nick went explaining to me right away what happened... ugh!!  My mind is so big... Sending Nick home this round will be one step closer to fulfilling my top 2 fantasy with Bryce.  I love it so much.  I really hope all goes to plan, but I am immune so I can't really be too worried since I'll still be here after 24 hours lmfao!!

I would love to be the hero by the end of this season, but I already see my villain arc coming up, and I'm left sitting here like... well, it was bound to happen.  The second I turn on Sharky is the second I hit that arc, and it's a plan that's coming sooner rather than later!!

i feel like... im going home its so quiet like brian won immunity and pushed on nick so like he should go but its just so quiet hm.

Well. It looks like it might be me. 🤷‍♂️ No one hs been talking to me so I guess its may be my last day!?

So the vote is either between Me or Nick tonight. And i dont like that. Going to see if I can get Nick and atleast 2 other votes to atleast make it a tie. The only other option right now is to take out Sharky. Im looking to try and get Bryce, Nick, and hopefully Nathan. Brian is safe. That leaves Matt, Annabelle, and Sharky. So like 🤷‍♂️ Imma go out fighting if its me.

So like, this tribal is really quite quiet, but seems to have a clear target in  Nick. SOmething of which i will HAPPILY take for myself, as I am just fed up of getting voted atm lmao. Like yes please just give me 1 round of respite then you may come for me again cause I will be ready. I feel close to Maynor and Nathan, mainly cause I have worked on them over the past few days so i feel good about myself and where i stand. will I win? probably not. Am i ok with that? no but if I have to settle I will

Okay for once it seems like there isn't much scrambling. I could be completely wrong and I'll get sent packing but who knows. It should be a quick and easy vote for Nick.

I jinxed it. The moment I said it should be easy NICK GOES OFF IN THE TRIBE CHAT. Trying to basically threaten all of us with the idea that he may have another idol. THEN BRIAN CALLS HIM OUT. And he puts Nick on blast for leaking the Matt plan to us. Which he did do. BUT Anna is actually the one who told us. So Nick either actually has an advantage and will save himself (in which case I don't think I'm his target) or his whole game just BLEW UP. It's messy messy messy.

Well Nick just ruined all the possibilities ih trying to save him. Nathan doesnt seem like we could get the votes so that also gets rid of Annabelle because they are very tight. So my vote is gunna be Nick but just watch its actually me. 🤷‍♂️  I would die but nothing i can really do know.

maybe im boo boo the fool??? theres been iconic fights and stuff and now nick is gonna vote me which is rude but he says hes voting maynor but i doubt that bc maynor tried to save him earlier this round so idk whats happening ppl are saying like dont worry he doesnt have the votes but what if he idols or what if ppl flip or like i dont want any vote against me in the first place. all these ppl so stable bc they arent the ones getting voted. the AUDACITY nick has when ive put up with his bland unanswering self for all these weeks to vote me on his way out??? no ty!!! maynor is like the most NNN idk he just has the worst pokerface i went with his annoying save keaton plan last week and im pretty sure he is going to vote me now too like... maybe dont do that what happen to the stupid :rams: :rams: aries thing we had going... make it add up!

Looks like I’m going home... the only chance I have at staying is if bryce gets out but I’m worried that’s not going to happen... I guess we will see wha happens in a few hours…

AHH!!  So I got into a fight with Nick earlier.  He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy in the main chat about powers he has and how he KNOWS who mentioned his name... girl, you know NOTHING!  He still thinks I've voted for him twice, and highkey if I had read my PMs about the idol before 7:45pm, then I would've voted for him exactly Z E R O times.  So fucking ugly...

So yea, I fought him.  And I'd say I won.  I just hope everyone sends his ass home.  Bryce and Nathan are updating me on, like, everything, and we have Maynor who just is beyond sketchy with his PMs.... I really just... WHEW.... I hope Nick's straight ass goes home and it isn't Bryce.

This tribal is going to be one big fat mess... but like i’m ready for it

I dont really want to do Nick tonight but its the best thing for now not to rock the boat. Im just hoping that everyone isnt lying and its some how me tonight. 🤷‍♂️ Just need to trust people who are saying they are doing Nick. But having a weird feeling and hopefully its a false alarm.

Tbh Brian not voting makes me feel sketch about tonight. It may be nothing and just me being worried that my name was thrown out. He said he was going to sleep early but he could have voted early for Nick so like. 🤷‍♂️ Paranoid and im going to die.

Nick is voted out 5-1-1.

 im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked  our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole.  i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".