This whole thing about the She-Hulk scene just makes me sigh. A character can make a pointed argument that makes people pump their fists and go “fuck yeah!”, sure, but that doesn’t make it good writing by default in the context of the scene, selling the characters, or selling the story. If the entirety of She-Hulk was filled with those kind of impersonal messages, you’d have a lot of “take that, sexists!” moments, but there’d be nothing to grab your attention regarding the characters’ own unique experiences.

It would just be an hour-long general PSA that feels a little too on-the-nose and preachy.

Who's better at poetry, Stranger or Sunny?

I automatically assume that Sunny would lean more onto the drawing side of art rather than writing, let alone poetry. I think it depends on how people see the character because based on Canon occurrences, Sunny takes a lot of inspiration from the outside world, like from comic books and movies when he dreams. He creates new adventures and scenarios that would lead most to assume that he would be a good writer if he practiced. In addition to his more darker thoughts, and his sad poem skill, it seems possible he'd be good at it. But the thing is, Sunny has trouble identifying how he feels, that includes speaking and even writing those feelings down. If he were to attempt to journal anything for those 4 years that he was stuck in the house, that would ruin the world he created for himself where mari didn't die. With how much he was repressing his feelings, trying to organize them into words would be a long shot. That's why Sunny turns to drawing, in can be incoherent as he wants without directly including the thing he wants to ignore. (And sunnys drawings are cool, I'm a sucker for violent, surrealism art) Even after the truth, I think sunnys poetry would be good and cool to read (I'm not sure, I'm no critic but I'd like to think sunnys poetry would be very vivid, sometimes incoherent) His poetry would be for his eyes only, I don't think he'd actively try to get better at it but use it as a way to be less stressed.

With rare access to pen and paper, Stranger has a lot to say but speaks in a cryptic way as a way to hold back. Of maybe it's because Omori/Sunny refuses to hear anything of the truth that Stranger is simply cursed to never say it out loud. Or maybe Stranger doesn't want to frighten them away and chooses his words carefully in order to keep him from retreating further into repression. I like to think about the second possibility. Stranger is capable of altering his words in a vague, but concise way to lead, question, or warn The Dreamer. He also has access to the Lost Library and practically most of the horrors residing in Blackspace. Every idea is different down there, it changes constantly, the abstract rooms and delusions is a gold mine for inspiration. Horrible inspiration, actually. (Kinda reminds me how most artists are troubled in some way, "thank you for the trauma, I need it for my art" kinda way)

Stranger had been down there longer since Sunny avoided blackspace as much as he could. Who knows? During that time, Stranger must've talked to himself a lot. He may speak strangely, not really using the words 'I feel' because spiraling is far too easy in a quiet place like that. He can't really draw. With personified fears and ideas from The Dreamer in all those rooms, Stranger doesn't want to draw them again as a mean to express his own feelings. How can you express the hell in your head when there is hell all around you? So melodramatic. At least Sunny sat in denial, surrounded by color. Stranger reminds me of someone doodle silly things, at least draw something where he hoped to be instead of living in darkness. Though, it'd probably make him more sad, so he'd abandon it somewhere. If he could, Stranger would write a lot. His thoughts could be like a little rule book to keep himself sane. Anger, guilt, shame, vile thoughts, disgusting actions, Stranger would make sure certain mistakes don't happen twice. He'd remember his purpose, helping Sunny remember. Certainly making him feel less worthless. If all this writing was possible, Stranger would be the one with tons of poems.

Ramble. Ramble. Ramble. Jeez, that was a lot of crap. Sorry if you were expecting a yes or no with a few sentences of reasoning, I wanted to reinforce a lot. It gave me a few ideas in the process, but all of it is pretty loose and theorizable (i didnt read check this, so sorry if certain sentences of explanation are a little awkward). But yeah, whaddya think?

For some reason, very few writing posts are about dialog. Like are you supposed to be naturally good at it, or just figure it out? Anyway, here are some tips that have been useful for me. (All examples come from the front page of A03, but the point is not to embarrass anyone. There is nothing seriously wrong with any of these.)

"I have work to do Leo. We need to find Mikey." Donnie responded, not looking over at Leo. 

New writers love to put character names in dialog. And try it sometime, actually say the name of the person you're talking to as you're talking to them. It's very intense, often kind of aggressive ("Clean your room, Leo.") When it does happen, it's usually a way to underline what kind of relationship you have with the person you're talking to. ("I'm sorry, Master Splinter." = I respect you, and see you as an authority figure.") ("We're cool right, Red?" = I want you to know you're someone I feel emotionally close to.)

Regulus groaned. "This will be fun."

“Reggie! Truth or dare?” Lupin asked

“Dare, Rems,” Regulus replied. No one else called him Reggie.

The nicknames get across a lot more meaning/utility/character development than just straight-up names would, so points. But my thing is, don't torture yourself. Just use "said." It's fine. It's a super common invisible word. You can't overuse "said" the same way you can't overuse "that." It honestly takes you out of it more if characters spend a whole fic "responding" or "observing" or "answering."

"Harvey, I wasn't flirting, I was just socializing. You know how much I love meeting and talking to people, men or not. You are the only one I ever wanted and you know that."

This is an example of 'on-the-nose' dialog. Even though the character is in a kind of intense situation, they're laying out exactly what they want to say very clearly, something people are are generally pretty bad at.

You can pack a lot of character development into a moment like this. This person has just been accused of flirting when they weren't - so does that make them angry? defensive? confused? let down? apologetic? scared? playful?

Movie dialog can get away with being more on-the-nose, because a good actor can bring all those different kinds of subtext to the same line. Like this bit from Revenge of the Sith:

OBI-WAN: Anakin, Chancellor Palpatine is evil!

ANAKIN: From my point of view the Jedi are evil!

Not "What do you know?" or "The Jedi threatened him!" or "He's given me more than the you ever have!" Just a very straightforward 'Well, from Anakin's point of view the jedi are evil, so why doesn't he just say that.'

But Hayden Christensen is a good enough actor to sell the line- he takes the slightly formal phrase "From my point of view" and delivers it in a way that sounds automatic, like maybe this is something he's been taught to say. I could believe that "From my point of view" is a phrase Obi-Wan has given him to use in arguments, and he's bringing it out here because they still have a teacher/student dynamic, and he's desperately hoping that somehow Obi-Wan might still be willing to listen. Imagine if once or twice in the previous films we had an exchange like "Anakin! What were you doing with those chance cubes!" "From my point of view, I was making it easier for the other customers to come up and talk to me," and then got hit with that exchange in the final movie.

"Turning yourself in frankly diffused a very unstable situation, and saved both sides a lot of trouble and probably some lives, and well... I thought I owed you that much."

This is a good example of a speaking quirk (I'm going though a few characters, all from the same fic.) Notice the code-switching. The character starts off very professional before becoming casual - they say "a lot of trouble" when they could have said "significant expense and effort" - which would be more of a match to "diffused a very unstable situation." So either they're getting comfortable with the person they're talking to, trying to make that person feel more comfortable, or else their professional mask is slipping for some reason

"Are you trying to paint yourself an honest thief? Ha!"

That "Ha!" is so nice because it's like... a little lame? But I totally buy that no one is actually going to tell this character that, because he's powerful. Great for a slightly funny sub-villain.

 "I gotta tell you about all the new jobs here! There's like, so many openings at the mines and in the factories!"

You don't even need to tell me this is a young character. That "like" does all the work for you.

"You want me to actively help you lot? Ha! What the fuck makes you think I'd ever do that?"

I like the combination of the precise and slightly technical "actively help" with the intense and in-your-face "fuck" and "you lot." There's a duality to this character. Like maybe they can code switch into 'expert' but choose not to. Intriguing.

Basically, you can have so much fun with a character swearing (or not), being formal (or not) using unusual words from their job or background, running scripts, talking too little, repeating themselves, having large or small vocabularies, phrasing everything as a question (or nothing as a question.) Gender, age, education level, location, background, profession, level of social prestige absolutely affect word choice and how characters talk... and if they're a robot, alien, angel, whatever - that's just an excuse to get even more stylized. (Heck, even over-using character names in dialog is a great speaking quirk for one specific character that you want to feel slightly intense/over-formal/other)

How to Hook Your Readers: Myths and Tips

Opening a story can be daunting. Unless you're super inspired, it will likely always seem like a challenge to get that first sentence or paragraph down.

The good news? You can always go back and revise your intro as needed. You may better understand your story as you write it and think of a better starting point or line later.

The bad news? There are definitely some myths out there that writers often believe about their hooks. I know I have! Let's go over a few.

Common Myths About Hooking Your Readers

Never Start With Dialogue

I'm guessing that people give this advice because starting in the middle of a conversation can be a bit bewildering. Although that's true in real life, books or stories that start in a conversation can easily catch the reader up to speed.

Here's an example:

"I swear, it's like I'm cursed to forever get pink chicken nuggets."

"Dude, it's just the cafeteria food. McDonald's would never steer you wrong." My best friend shook their head and laughed as I dropped my uncooked chicken nugget back onto my school lunch tray. The room was full of people buzzing with conversation, eating their food without complaint.

"No way," I said, my nose crinkling. "And of course my curse has to attempt some health damage on the day of my first ever musical tryouts."

The dialogue sets up the protagonist's generally sour demeanor and the conversation establishes the story's first source of conflict: the musical tryouts later that day.

You can also look to George R.R. Martin's A Game of Thrones opening line:

"We should start back,” Gared urged, as the woods began to grow dark around them. “The wildlings are dead.”

Just with that one line, you know who's speaking, that they aren't in a good environment, and there's literally action right around the corner.

Always Start With Action

Speaking of action, do you always have to start with a scene that involves things like racing cars, a fist fight, or your protagonist sailing down the tracks of a rollercoaster?

Absolutely not. In fact, many of the most famous books start with gentle pacing so they can work their way up to bigger conflicts as the readers get to know their characters.

Think about Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice:

'It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife'

Or J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan:

All children, except one, grow up.

Your story may have a fantastic opening line or scene if it just makes the reader think of something new or from a new perspective. The shock and/or reframing will intrigue them to learn more about what you mean.

Readers Only Care About That First Line

When was the last time you read the first line of a book and judged it in its entirety? If I've done that, it's been rarely.

You're more than likely going to give a new book the first full page, or chapter, or the first 100 pages before deciding if you like it.

You'll know if it interests you when the hook makes itself known. Sometimes authors even make their hooks happen at the end of their first chapters. That's great too!

So try not to stress too much about having the perfect opening line. Most people will automatically read many more before making a personal judgement call.

Tips for Writing Great Hooks

Make the Reader Ask One of the W's

The W's can help you define a hook that mostly feels like going with your gut.

When you write a first line and know that it's perfect but can't describe why, ask if it will make your readers wonder any of the following questions:

Who is this?

What is happening?

Where is this character/action?

When is this taking place?

Why is this happening?

You don't necessarily need to answer every single one of these questions on your first page, but they should resolve within your first few pages or chapter. A useful hook will make your readers wonder about one or more of those questions.

Start at a Critical Plot Point

Sometimes the start of a story doesn't work because it's boring. Even if it answers the W's above, it can still take a while for people to start investing in the plot.

When that happens, you may need to press fast-foward a bit during the editing process.

Let's say your protagonist goes to the grocery store, which is where the primary conflict takes place. The story starts by describing their drive to the store, finding where they should park, and filling their cart with a few items on their grocery list.

While that information sets the scene for your readers and introduces your protagonist, it's not very interesting. They're all ordinary actions.

Instead, you could start with your character at the grocery store, spend a few lines or a paragraph on their inner monologue to develop their characteritics, then have the action happen right away.

Open on the scene where they encounter their worst enemy in the frozen food aisle or their ex at the checkout line. The conflict immediately gets the plot started and is guaranteed to interest the reader because without that initial conflict, the story wouldn't happen at all. It would just be another trip to the grocery store.

Confuse the With Something Unfounded

"I once heard that you should never trust someone who never blinks. I mean, an owl told me that, so they would know."

If you read this first line, you'd immediately wonder how the protagonist could talk to owls. Are they a human with a supernatural gift? Are they also an owl? Can the owl in question speak a human language?

Something as lighthearted and seemingly small as that kind of detail will make your reader curiously confused. They'll keep reading just to find out how the story unrolls from such a strange opening.

Although the shock-and-awe opener doesn't fit every genre or theme, it can be a fun way to make your readers do a double-take and dive into your story.

---

I am always reminding myself that the first thing I write when a new story begins isn't permanent. You can always go back, revise, and even shuffle scenes if you think the whole first scene of your story is boring.

Give yourself permission to go with your gut and you'll eventually hone that hook into something captivating.

Just a reminder, I am a roleplay blog. Blurry is a character. This post is regarding the Sherlock BBC roleplayer drama.

If I talk about things on my blog, it's in character. If we talk in DM's it's a 50/50 if I'll be in character or not. You'll be able to tell, by the fact if I start slurring you or not. (If you request we talk mod to mod; sure. If not I'll let you know- but this has never happened. I don't have reason to not be kind or myself in general.) If i send asks, it's 90% of the time in character. I am quick to drop a character if the conversation gets serious and I am trying to comfort the people behind the blogs.

I don't have beef with anyone personally.

It's all roleplay.

I do have addiction issues, and yes I did go on a binge last month and overdose. I've been (rather painfully) sober since. I smoke weed now though, in attempts to help me stay away from harder drugs. It's worked so far. I mostly am here when sober, and again am sober now as I write all of this, and have been during a lot of this situation. The weed has been during weaker moments.

If you want to ask me about in character drama, I will GLADLY spill all I know! If we have the energy at the time, anyway. If there are gaps between posts or replies, remember I'm an addict and I have a disociative disorder. Simply put; my body might be here, but my mind isn't all of the time. I'm too tired or too high to be in it sometimes, and you get gaps. Days, weeks, whatever. Often not weeks, I think 3 weeks was the max recently.

If you want drama between mods; the character will not. And if I am not part of the mod drama, I have nothing to say. Do I know more than I let on? Yes. Do I talk about it? Not unless they're a dangerous person and I fear for you. Could I warn you again talking OOC with a character, while saying it's safe to talk to the character? Yah. Sure. Just be cautious and I need to remind you that these characters are not the mods, and that these characters are not your friend.

I will give people my personal blog or otherwise show my hand if I am trying to express I will be open/be your friend. I'm not saying every blog that doesn't tell you their main is bad, and I'm not saying any blog that does tell you their main is good.

But that to blindly trust a character, without establishing any real connection outside of that, and taking what they say as gospel or telling them secrets, is dangerous. Remember that just because one person speaks first, doesn't automatically mean they are in the right. Remember also; that neither is the second, middle, last, whoever! For clearance. Stories have two sides, and sometimes the truth is muddy and somewhere in the middle. Sometimes hearing more stories might help gather intel for you to make a decision, but can never truly be perfect.

If you need to ask about my personal experiences with someone, I can tell you as well, if I'm feeling up for it. If not, I won't lie, I'll say I'm not ready or it's private. I can't speak for anyone else, or tell a story that's happened to anyone else. I'll tell my personal story, if I have one, and you can use it to help guide on who you believe, if you want. But my personal experience will not be a public post on this blog. But private, dm's, or even on one of my personal blogs.

Remember the world isn't black and white, and that people can be good and make mistakes or do bad actions, and that bad people can make mistakes and do good actions. With or without manipulation. That if things sound insane, it might be because they are just exaggerating their story. That they might or might not be the victim, and that good can handle bad for a long time before they break, or any other situation. Good can do bad things, when they've suffered a long time; and that you can't always believe everyone's story to be gospel. Good, bad, we're just people.

These are real people, don't blur the lines of rp and them. They might do bad actions, and be good. They might do good actions, and be bad. But they could just be people, who make mistakes, have misunderstandings, and suffer the fallout for a long, long, time. Hold grudges and hold them long after others change, and when that happens, they could see any good action as manipulation or some other negativr reason for the way they're acting. That they could accidentally become manipulators themselves. Cycle of abuse is real, and the victim turns into a new abuser, but often the one they are abusing is a new innocent person, a new victim. No one deserves abuse, and often there's no reason behind it. Certainly not a good, justifiable, reason.

Remember any time you've acted crazy, sometimes you were pushed to it, sometimes it was deserved, sometimes you were in the wrong, but you felt it was the right often, or otherwise had a reason, didn't you? It's important to self reflect, because sometimes we make mistakes.

Often, someone being mean might be a bad day. Maybe they got in a fight with someone they like, or got shouted at, or one too many people cut them off (maybe drive faster bbg. thats a joke). It's not justified, but understanding is the first step. Maybe they're being mistreated, and it comes out, or they just simply don't have anything else to compare it to.

But at the end of the day, communication is key, and make your own judgements on your experiences or others if you listen. If you are weary but like their character, that's alright. These are real people and sometimes good and bad are just colors on a spectrum. You can be good, and do something bad.

People are just people, with traumas and triggers and it can be hard to stay out of a cycle of abuse when perhaps everything might be bringing them down. Not justified, but understanding.

And if someone is truly bad to you, mean to you, the block button is easy to find. If they start to do something, anon asks or messages, harass you, report for harassment and block again. Tell others and show them, maybe, so they can help, close friends, or people who listen.

Stay safe, everyone. Blocking and walking away is sometimes the best option.

Y'know what's getting to me over this whole "Jodie and/or Sandra feel this way about the show/finale/ending or Jodie and/or Sandra are complicit with the show/finale/ending because they said X Y Z" bullshit?!

I've 'said' and 'behaved' outwardly in particular ways as a closeted queer for over thirty years for a whole clusterfuck of reasons and I promise you that most of the time it has in NO way every really truly reflected how I ACTUALLY feel! And in fact I expect is why the majority of people in my real life probably still believe to this day that I'm straight.

Just because people may say or behave a particular way about a thing doesn't mean that's how they actually feel.

Now I'm in no way suggesting that the various things certain anons have suggested somehow prove this is indeed how Jodie and Sandra feel about the show isn't a possibility.

I'm just saying that people often say and do things to protect themselves - for personal reasons and professional reasons.

Frankly, how they feel about the ending - for better or worse - is entirely their own business.

And EVEN if they did think the ending and fate of their characters was absolutely perfection itself, I don't think that automatically equates to them somehow knowingly or intentionally being complicit or part of the BYG/homophobic narration going around (whether or not that is in fact accurate in itself - people can make bad writing and storytelling choices without INTENTIONALLY gunning for the gays! Sometimes it really is just ignorance or subconscious bias - not making excuses for it, not defending it, nor am I saying that wasn't the case at all and they were, I'm just trying to offer an explanation and playing devil's advocate).

I wish people would just back off Sandra and Jodie for how they may or may not feel about the ending. They're professional actors who I expect want to enjoy a career beyond Killing Eve, and so being seen to publicly bad mouth your past employers would not fare well with potential employers! Even with the best intentions it could be career suicide. I would never blame them for publicly keeping their cards to their chest over this because regardless of how they do feel about it, there will undoubtedly be backlash from one side or the other.

We'll probably never ever know the full truth behind how they feel and I'm totally fine with that.

It's THEIR business. Just like me being queer and how I deal with it is mine.

Right like I knew just from the pre-season interviews that whatever fresh hell Killing Eve was going to give us, it wasn't going to be good. I have spent 3 seasons watching Sandra and Jodie be excited and smiley and giggly while hyping up the forthcoming season. None of that was present in the s4 promotions. The only time we saw that side of them was when they did the game night with Josh Horowitz and got to spend some time not having to talk about the upcoming season. I've never heard Jodie say "mmmmm" so many times in my life. I've never heard Sandra sigh so many times in my life. I've never seen them both take such ridiculously long pauses before answering a question. And I've never seen them both cringe so much or make facial expressions that were anything but encouraging. I kept saying "Thank god for them because like...I'm genuinely prepared for the season to be shit now!" Lmaoooo the joke was on me, because I still wasn't prepared for just how absolutely trash it was! But I had already gotten that impression loud and clear from Jodie and Sandra before the season ever even began

I honestly never expected Jodie and/or Sandra to say much on the finale, no matter how it ended. My opinion on that hasn't changed just because it ended so much worse than we could've possibly imagined. I knew from the pre-season interviews how they felt. There wasn't much to expand on outside of that, especially when they can't speak openly about it. So I'm not surprised that we haven't heard anything from them, nor did I expect any different. Killing Eve is over. They have other projects. This was one show in their filmography of work. We may be stuck on it, but it doesn't mean they are or that they have any obligation to be. The only positive thing Jodie and Sandra EVER said about the finale is that they got to be together and they were really happy about that. There's really nothing else to be said, so they are moving on and I love that for them because really...they don't owe anymore of their time to a show that was never able to do them or the talent they brought to the table justice

Dear Lisette,

I am back in you inbox, yay! How was your day? How's life? How's school?

I am really mad because we had this piece of work and it was like "pen down your idea on this statement, 'i can do whatever i want on the internet as long as i don't get caught' and i put down my thoughts which were 'this statement is true, i stand by it and you can do whatever you like as long as you don't get caught and don't own up' and then people were like throwing shade at me and i looked at it. I have 5 comments.

My teachers tried to delete it, my classmates literally lectured me and then she read it out loud and the whole class went looking for that one note i made. In the comments, people are spelling my name in caps. It was my opinion, and oh, look all of them are basically hypocrites. Let me just say, these people make me uncomfortable, they don't talk about exactly nice things or approriate things and they are all commenting ( without names too may i add) like "KAT, THAT'S NOT HOW THINGS WORK!" but with my real name and just arghhh.

Also if my teachers wanted me to say, "no, that isn't the right thing to do," or any other answer that the others provided them with, they shouldn't have asked for my opinion. They should have just forced us all to just type the same thing. The other people all wrote like, "no, its unethical and bad" or "False, no, its bad" and stuff like that, filmsy evidence and elaboration. I HAVE MORALS, i am just saying the truth. I feel like the victim of a hate crime. People don't like me enough already, i am a very intresting person, uh, yeah, we are gonna stop there.

Enjoy the rant i guess? I don't know? I am sorry for loading on you but there's a little extra rant so uh, yeah. im just gonna take this out, one sec.

Ok, so uh my teacher was like, next week, we are making pancakes. Fluffy pancakes. It was changed to pancakes without eggs? and now we have to make it ourselves, at home. Where do i get flour? What do i do with the extra flour? I don't know how to cook at all, my partner who has been extremely controlling and like kinda driving me insane, ( ahem i did the whole coursework) also she uses my friend's name for everything? Like, bestie i was literally helping out and you went all, "Oh you don't want (friend's name) to see you burnt right?". Obviously i don't but if i burnt down my house, she wouldn't be surprised. I BURNT MYSELF LAST YEAR, SHE SAW ME BURN MYSELF. Well, my friend burnt me and then the week after that, she burnt herself.

This happens a lot. Also, the very common questions and statements of, "Are you straight?" , "aren't you and (friend's name) dating?", "you guys would make such a cute couple" , " aren't you bi?" and "i thought the two of you were dating," there is nothing wrong with being bi but i am not attracted to her like that. So, they use her for leverage over me to get me to do what they want and also think im dating her? If we were dating, we would both be homeless. I like my house. This doesn't only happen with her. I once got shipped with my brother. I hugged him and some guy was like, "oh you guys like each other," that was awkward. Can i just add, a lot of people like majority of that community know we are siblings.

I also get shipped with his best friend, thanks to a rumor my brother made up. So, sometimes, i would get like comments like, "oh, you like him" or "(brother's name) told me that you and (brother's best friend) are dating," we are not dating. WE ARE JUST REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. I LIKE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. LEAVE ME ALONE. Also, everytime i have a picture of a guy on my phone or something my cousin just has to tell my brother. THEY ARE STREAMERS. ONE IS OF V FROM BTS SO I CAN TRAMATISE MY FRIEND.

Everytime i cry, someone comes in my room. It is so annoying. LEAVE ME ALONE, I WANT TO CRY. This is why i started reading sad books, listening to sad songs, watching sad movies so i have a reason to cry. There was this once, i wasnt selected to be part of my choir's competition and i was sad about it because i didn't feel good enough. THEY SAID I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. So, i cried but it wasn't enough so i read the saddest book i could find so i had a reason to cry but by that time, my feelings were gone. This is why i get breakdowns when im overwhelmed because of all this. You know how old i am. I have to deal with this and the pressure of always wanting to be perfect. What else can i do? I am not pretty or smart or talented or have friends, i have like 6 friends and nobody ever keeps me company. So, i focus on being perfect. 100%, i deal with not having any attention because my parents didn't pay me any attention just because i was "independent" or something?

Did i mention, i babysit all my siblings? I am the second child. I baby-sit my older brother. I am sleep-deprived because i can't sleep well at night and i constantly worry about everything and i have to take care of all my friends and it is so exhausting. Yet, i can not cry.

Thanks for staying with me through whatever that was. Uh, yeah, i took the quiz and got chaotic academia. That is my aesthetic. I really want one of those fancy skirts they wear like on pintrest and stuff? Like you know what i mean? The academia skirt? Yeah, i don't have one yet.

Question of the day, what is your dream profession or you could answer my other question which is what would you want to look like? Or you could answer both?

Ok, thank you again. i am gonna go study. Love and hugs and just literal joy sent your way!

- Kat, the ultimate dino mom of Leo, Billy Bob, Jessica, Sophie, Jackson, Sarah, Lily, the Micheals and all her other kids. (Jessica, Sophie and Jackson are mailboxes and Lily is a computer, Micheal is my screwdriver and laptop pencil, there are two micheals.)

Dear Kat,

It's really good to see you in my inbox. I'm sorry for replying late, but exams really had occupied my schedule today and I got my Saturday exam tomorrow. This week is going to be stressful and today's day has been pathetic. I had nothing to do except study and write exams. I feel like I haven't really been social recently and That I'm losing touch with people that I used to be close with and basically I'm letting overthinking take over my mind.

That is so sick. Why is someone's genuine opinion bothering them so much? I totally wouldn't be able to tolerate that. They ought to understand that there is a fine line between a fact and an opinion, and what you stated was just an OPINION. they have no right whatsoever to come at you like that. I totally agree... the teachers ought to have not asked for your opinion if all they desired was a particularly specific answer which opposed the statement. one of the reasons I hate the schooling system has to be THIS. people who are putting comments like that ought to realize that what you stated is exactly what they do in real life. They just want to be seen as the good kid here. At least you have the guts enough to speak the truth.

Miss! You don't have to worry about ranting out to me. You can rant to me for days and I'd still listen. Just go on ranting nobody is stopping you.

Ahhh! I've had that happen to me. I really understand how tough that can be. I really really hate being shipped with someone who I am just platonically friends with like you've got no valid proof to believe that we are romantically involved with each other. I've burnt myself plenty of times too. It's not a pleasant experience. Plus I also hate having controlling partners. Cause all they do is boss you around while they are barely doing a thing. It sucks.

Why? Just why? Why does it even matter to them? Who you date and what your sexuality is, is none of their business. I have no idea why people concern themselves with topics that really don't involve them. It's like people are just ready to make gossip out of anything. A person can't have a bestie without not liking them? I don't get what's so difficult to understand about that. I hate it when I'm casually talking to a guy and people start shipping us and start spreading rumors of us being in a romantic relationship. Another thing they do is, if a person likes me, they automatically assume that I like him back when I've barely even ever spoken to that guy. And yes! I like fictional characters! Don't even assume I like any of you fools cause You idiots bully me and ship me with total crackheads... And my standards are good enough for me to not include you guys in my list of *appropriate candidates* which consists of non-existent people.

Similarly, the moment I'm chatting with some guy, or like have a pic with someone on my mobile phone people just assume that fact that I'm crushing on him. Like no! I don't. We are friends... the others are celebrities, Why can't you understand that? I can't imagine how thick their skull must be considering they can't let a small statement like that sink in.

The crying thingy... I feel personally attacked. Nobody lets me do anything in peace, let alone crying. I literally use the washroom in my room and even my sister comes in there just banging on the door asking me to get the heck out of there and go somewhere else, like can't she use the other two washrooms or what? I like listening to sad stuff and reading angst cause somehow or the other it calms me down... it makes me feel at peace cause I know I'm not the only one who feels like crying. I've got a lot of friends, nobody remembers my birthday, I remember all of theirs'. They don't even text me, It's always me who takes the first step. All my friends just want me by their side cause I'm a smartass they want to show off as a trophy and cause I've got much better sarcasm than them. They just want to benefit from me. That's all. GOD, I'm not pretty at all. I look like a random idiot all the time. I look pathetic. And I lack talent... And you! I warned you, miss! You are pretty, beautiful, talented, smart, friendly, caring, kind and THE BEST!!!

I've never been given attention. Never ever. My sister has always stolen the spotlight. And I hate it. Not even my friends acknowledge me, my parents just ehhhhh. No matter how good I score, No matter how good I behave, No matter what. I'm just never good enough. My parents think of me as a rebellious kid. And I don't know what to do about that. All I've ever done is listen to them. My parents never allowed me to go out and play with my friends when I was a kid, they never let me go on overnight trips, and they barely let me spend time with the few friends I have. They never let me go to outings my school friends planned. Despite that, I never complained. I never had good friends because of that, yet I never complained. A lot of kids my age roam around in shopping malls by themselves, have sleepovers, spend money, roam around with tons of makeup on their faces, are in relationships, and even get into illegal shit. I've never done anything Like that. And yet... I'm never the good kid. I'm still the rebel.

I've got to take care of my sister almost every day. Get her to study, study myself, take care of myself while tolerating my grandmother. I really don't like my grandma, she s very fussy and just keeps yelling around the house the moment my dad and mom leave the house. I've got sensory overload because of her voice. And now I sit and have an anxiety attack almost every time she speaks. I've always got to strive for perfection as well. And I too can't sleep well at night just cause all the worries of the world, keep weighing me down.

Chaotic academia sounds good. It's the same aesthetic my sister got when I asked her to take the test! And oooh! Me too! I love those skirts and outfits they show on Pinterest. I'd love to have them someday.

My dream profession has to be that of a writer. Or perhaps even running a library. just something cozy. Ohh! I'd love to have brown hair, and I'd want to be tall just a little shorter than What I am right now. I just reached my father's height yesterday. And more or less, I'd like the rest to stay just as it is. and perhaps a lighter shade of skin tone. What about you though?

My question for you! If you were to be stranded on a beach island for a week. Who would you bring with you and how would you spend your time there. You can include whatever elements of nature you want to include like forests, lakes, and all.

Sending love, warmth, hugs, and whatever I have to spare that you would like to you!!!!

-Love from Lisette

P.S. That's an interesting family you've got, right there!

Sweet Night - Song analysis

So I decided to do a small analysis for Taehyung’s new self-written song “Sweet night” which is the OST for the drama “Itaewon Class”. It’s a very sweet song, and I am very proud of Tae. 

I usually aren’t the biggest fan of completely English songs, but even though it’s a bit hard to hear the words clearly sometimes it doesn’t bother me much and I do like the melody, the lyrics and Tae’s voice. I’m really proud over Tae and how he seems to really embrace songwriting a lot more. But it’s quite a bittersweet song to be honest. Or at least it gives an uncertain feeling.

It is a song for a drama, so it is difficult to know how much of the song is from Tae and what might be done to fit the drama. He also isn’t the only writer. However I will speak from a perspective where we guess what it could mean if this is based on Taehyung’s personal feelings and of course also with a possible Vmin perspective.

For me this song (and even Scenery which has some similar parts and themes) seem to show a person who longs to be with someone but that feel like they have probably missed their chance. Or at least they aren't sure if there still is the same chance as there might have been before. And that it was their own fault that they missed their chance before as well, because as the song imply they didn't realize their own feelings from the start. The feelings changed at some point.

It’s a love song, but it’s a very unsure one. It’s uncertain about if there even is a future for that love, if it’s all too late, or even if it’s real at all (real as in If the other person would feel the same). So it’s not really a happy song even though it does have a small sliver of hope. For me it's about a lost chance in the past and wondering what might be there in the future. Let’s look at the lyrics and I will explain what I mean.

Looking at the lyrics, Tae sings about how he can’t sleep and how he is telling us a “fragile truth”. Which means it’s something he is unsure about (not unsure about his own feelings, but if he should confess them or not), and maybe he doesn’t even know if it’s something he should talk about at all. It also seems like he is somehow still hope for something but that he worries that the chance is gone or that he doesn't know if the other person would feel the same. If we look at this as a traditional love song and that it’s about a particular person these are feelings he are very confused about and sad about. He still hopes despite it all though.

Referencing a window being open before and hoping a door can still open for them as well as using the image of two ships in the night, crossing each other for a short time, barely seeing each other and that Tae also already reached the shore. All of it seems to indicate that it could be too late for him and whoever he longs for. It also indicates that there was perhaps a short time where it looked like something was possible but that that time has already passed, but Tae hopes for a second change. (Similar to what he does in Scenery). He still wants there to be something that has been there before, that he missed at the time.

He also asks the question “Are you my best friend?” and this could be both ways, either that he isn’t sure if this person is his best friend, or that he isn’t sure if it’s more than friendship. Personally I think it's 'are we more than friends' considering the whole songs romantic tone. Either way the line about “rushing through my mind” is pretty obviously about him not being able to think clearly. That he is confused and overwhelmed by his feelings.

His next line about “I wanna ask you” if directed to the same person the song is about makes it seem he also doesn’t know if perhaps this thing between them is something real. Or if it’s something he alone is feeling. Basically it could be unrequited and he isn’t sure if his own image of the relationship matches with the other person. But it sounds like his impression is that it is something real between them, but he’s not sure if maybe he is imagining it.

Then he asks if this person is too good to be true, which again seem to point at either his whole image is just something he has built in his head or simply that this person is all he wants and he finds them almost too good to be true. This would match well with all the dreamlike feelings Tae has used to describe love in songs like Winter Bear or his Christmas song, which are much happier and idyllic. It’s possible that Sweet Night could be the step before Winter Bear and the Christmas song and show the progress of being happily falling in love. It’s also possible the other two songs are the more happy longing before he realizes their chance may have passed. If the songs would even talk about the same lovestory at all.

He also asks is it would be alright if he pulled this person closer. This could indicate a possible change in the future, but together with all the other references it seems to almost drown amongst the more negative outcomes of it being too late or one-sided. However it is the ending, and it’s also switched from past tense, so it could be the happy ending of a unsure time. Using "would it be alright if I pulled you closer?" is his wish and hope. Meaning he hasn't neccessarily given up even if he isn't sure about the other person's feelings.

Lastly there is the line “How could I know, one day I would wake up feeling more” and this piece of lyrics truly seem to point at this song being about a person falling in love with their best friend. One day everything is just different, the love is more than what it used to be.

So I guess this in combination with Jimin and in particular Taehyung having confirmed numerous times through the years that they are best friends is the main reason for why people thought of Jimin when they heard this song. Taehyung also seemed to use "My best friend" a lot prior to releasing this song and have pointed out Jimin as his "One and only best friend" making it difficult to not let your mind be drawn towards Jimin. Especially since Friends just came out and we clearly have in our minds how close Vmin are and how they consider each other not only best friends but even soulmates. Basically the timing of this song coming out so close to the album will make people react even more. I suspect this could also be a reason why Jimin hasn’t said anything about it like he tends to do.

Tae also said in his vlive with Namjoon how he gets inspiration from his own feelings a lot. He says “I tend to write what I have felt into the lyrics” and he also said he wrote this song while abroad, so it’s difficult to know if these feelings would be new or old as well. (Though if we consider it to be about Vmin and how they have acted recently it seems more likely to be old feelings.) It also makes Tae’s earlier songs more likely to be very personal and perhaps even reflect different sides of the same love story that he is describing here.

Looking at Scenery in particular we can see a few common things, at the very least in theme and feelings.

Some lyrics from Scenery includes:

Will it be in me

I have my feelings now

That's the time of the moment

I missed my lost mind

I regret it

Collect a moonlight piece

I'll make the lights

Like yesterday

Come in front of me

I still wonder wonder beautiful story

Still wonder wonder best part

I still wander wander next story

I want to make you mine

Basically in Scenery we see some similarities with how Tae knows his feelings now, but that he also that he possibly regrets them, or rather perhaps regrets failing last time they had a chance. In combination with the lyrics for Sweet Night that could mean the other person came before him but Tae himself didn't have those feelings at that time. Something he later regret as his feelings change or become more clear to him. He also seems to want a second chance, asking for the person to come in front of him again. And also that he wants to make them his and looks forward to see what a possible future could hold. So a lot of similarities but in the end a bit more hopeful and certain compared to Sweet night. He knows what he wants, to make the other person his. So despite Sweet Night being a bit hesitant together with Scenery and even more with a Vmin perspective of all other Vmin songs, I think the outcome was a happy one.

That being said there are also many ways a feeling can change and be reinterpreted in a song. So even if the song is partly about his feelings it’s not possible for us to know how much or which parts, or when he felt this. 

I also haven’t seen the drama Itaewon Class so I can’t say how much the song fits in with the drama either. It’s not just Tae who has worked on the song, so it’s possible it’s also been altered to fit the narrative of the story more. Though I have heard people say it doesn’t really fit in with the relationships between the characters. But again, I haven’t watched it yet so I can’t say anything about it.

Anyways, assuming the song is based mostly on Taehyung’s own feelings (and not mostly fiction) there are in my opinion three ways to view it.

1. Just because he uses the phrase “Are you my best friend” it doesn’t automatically mean it has to be about Jimin. It could be about someone else, even someone we don’t know.

2. If it is about Jimin it could be a song based on old feelings and that things have already changed since Taehyung felt like this. Perhaps “Friends” even being the happy solution.

3. The song is about Jimin and it reflects Taehyung’s feelings now. At the very least he is hoping for more and is bold enough to release a song about it.

If I’m completely honest what it sounds like if we assume the best friend is Jimin is that Taehyung has realized he loves Jimin as more than a friend, but he doesn’t know what to do with that. He doesn’t know if that is a possible future for them and he isn’t even sure if it’s just him feeling this. Perhaps he is confused about both his own feelings as well as what Jimin could possibly feel for him.

It’s possible with option three that what we have seen all these years is actually Tae struggling with his own feelings without properly knowing what they are, but that now he knows but he feels scared about revealing them. It's possible he has reason to think Jimin might feel something more too based on their past lost chance. It’s also possible he hasn’t even said something at all to Jimin. That this song is just a way for him to express something that has been occupying his mind. It seems unlikely though, with the way Vmin behave and even more looking at their other songs possibly being connected.

I do find it interesting that he sings about feelings changing for someone, and even mentioning “best friend”. I think those are the parts that make this almost look a little bit like a confession from Tae’s side. And at the very least he has now shown that he probably agrees that you can fall in love with your best friend. It all keeps in fitting very well with Vmin… I can’t deny that.

Either way, what it looks like IF it even is about Jimin at all, is that their relationship is (or was) complicated and that Taehyung is a bit unsure and afraid about what they are and if Jimin would feel the same.

So, to me if this is something Taehyung truly feels and if it is about Jimin, I think Vmin are not in any kind of relationship but that perhaps Taehyung hopes for more. At the point in time of this song. Because we don’t know when Tae would possibly have felt like this or if he still feels it.

This is my take on the subject and the lyrics at least, and I can’t say it wouldn’t fit even though it sounds like a fanfiction. Especially since I personally have always felt more like Tae is the one showing potentially romantic feelings for Jimin, while Jimin has always been harder to read.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading this. Personally I feel a bit sad looking at these lyrics and knowing it’s possibly something Tae has felt himself. But in the end we know Vmin are soulmates and love each other, so at least there is that.

EDIT: I feel I need to say that while this song on it’s own looks like it’s a bit sad and unsure I personally don’t think that if it’s about Vmin it would still be like this. It's about a moment in time, something Tae wonders if they can change. First I find it unlikely Tae would write a song like this if he hasn’t already either talked about his feelings or gotten over them, at least not if it’s about Jimin. And secondly it’s obvious Vmin are very close and happy recently so I don’t think there is any “angst” there at the moment. This analysis is based on the lyrics and I have no way to know when or even if Tae would have felt like this. 

Thanks for reading.

That post you made was a mess, just fyi. 1) I went through the thread you linked, and I found the authors reasonable and respectable. The playwriter's worked with people with disabilities for 10 years, and it's clear he cares about the issue. 2) The fact Lawrence is a puppy isn't automatically pejorative. That's how art works. I haven't seen the play, but it's probably a metaphor for the teen's lack of agency or something like that. Also writing something a certain way doesn't mean you -

“- approve of it. Have you even seen the play? 3) Please stop pretending anyone represents the autistic community and that you guys speak with one voice. It’s seriously dehumanizing to think a large and diverse group of people shares the same views. In that view there is an autistic man who loved the play - I guess his voice doesn’t count because he disagrees with you?”

--

I love this anon message because it contains pretty much every argument that people are using against the autistic folk protesting this play. 

Like, I’ve been watching #puppetgate unfold since day one, read the reviews, read the responses from @allinarowplay. You think I haven’t heard these points before?

I’ve read them so many times now in tweets and reviews that your message just looks like one of those ransom notes that are made from cut and pasted words out of the newspaper.

But since Tumblr is new to #puppetgate, SURE, let’s address them! 

First of all, my #puppetgate summary was a truthful, if flippant, tl;dr of the past two weeks’ worth of Twitter drama. 

I apologize if my brief humorous take on a complex and nuanced debate didn’t meet the standards of a random stranger on the internet. 

Let’s discuss it in more serious detail.

1) You can care about an issue and still handle it really poorly. No one doubts this playwright’s intentions. But, as you say, he was a CARER for 10 years. That doesn’t mean he understands how it feels to be autistic and in fact, ableism is built right into ABA and other therapies used by carers. 

So yeah, he cares. And he still made an ableist play.

Also, the thread you mention was BELOW the video I linked to wherein the puppet designer says, and I quote:

“Laurence is non-verbal, and the power that puppets have is that they explore movement and with a turn of their head or a small movement they give life and character that you wouldn’t achieve with a human actor.”

Which is why I snidely summarized their position as 

“ This puppet is going to be SO MUCH more like an autistic child than a human could ever be!”

https://twitter.com/allinarowplay/status/1092410318960148481

Also, there is a brief shot of their script in that video at 2:19 and if you pause it and look at it you can see that the parents are joking about how their kid is like a puppy.

“Shits wherever he wants” is clearly visible.

This is the stuff the positive reviews consider funny, honest, and brave.

According to reviews, the child is present in the background throughout most of the play. Which means they talk like this IN FRONT OF HIM and this is never brought up as an issue/problem. 

In fact, non-autistic reviewers don’t even seem bothered by it, probably because they share the common misperception that non-verbal high needs autistic people don’t understand what is going on around them. So…. yeah. I don’t care how well meaning the playwright was. 

The playwright consulted the National Autistic Society and they told him they couldn’t support the play “due to its portrayal of autism, particularly the use of a puppet to depict the autistic character alone.”

But he didn’t change his mind about the puppet.

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/uknews/critics-say-new-play-that-uses-a-puppet-to-portray-an-autistic-boy-dehumanises-those-with-the-condition/ar-BBTk5kC

So again - sure, maybe he cares. But he also wasn’t willing to change his vision despite the warnings of the Autism organization that he was hoping would endorse his play. 

2) Of course a puppet isn’t inherently pejorative. For one thing, the autistic community is very positive about Julia, the autistic muppet on Sesame Street.

The outrage involves a lot more nuance than that. First of all, it’s the choice to make the puppet grey and ugly. This was obviously an artistic decision. The first version of the puppet has black hair too and no eyes, just dark sockets like a skull. 

Not exactly Julia.  

And even with that, I was on the fence and willing to wait for the reviews to come out before I made a judgement. 

Like you, I thought perhaps it would be made clear in the play that his puppet-ness and greyness represented lack of agency. And maybe the designer was thinking that way. 

But if that is the case, it does not come across. 

In fact, the reviewers who enjoyed the play repeatedly dismiss the controversy by saying that the play “isn’t really about Laurence.” 

https://www.timeout.com/london/theatre/all-in-a-row-review

“The production is also about the situation, rather than about Laurence himself.“

https://www.thereviewshub.com/all-in-a-row-southwark-playhouse-london/

“sadly the grey-faced puppet adds nothing to the production that a living actor – adult or child – could not have provided.”

I’ve read a LOT of reviews of this play by now. 

Reviews from mothers of autistic children who feel a kinship with the stressed, unhappy, dysfunctional parents. 

Reviews from people without a connection to autism who feel like they learned something. 

Reviews from autistic people and disabled allies who cringe at the ableism. 

None of them - NONE of them - allude to any kind of symbolism or thematic point running through the play which justifies or explains the puppet or its weird appearance.

And the reasons for the puppet given by the playwright, director, and playhouse make very little sense. 

In that promotional video I linked to they say that the puppet can communicate better than an actor could. I disagree. So does a non-verbal autistic mime who commented in the thread below. 

They also say that it allows them to avoid being offensive or stereotypical, which makes little sense because they still had a grown man grunting and flapping on stage, just with a puppet sprouting from his waist. 

They repeatedly argued that they couldn’t use an autistic child, as if acting wasn’t even a thing. They repeatedly argued that a human actor couldn’t do the sounds and movements, even though a human puppeteer was doing just that.

My favourite one was the review (linked above) that argued that “Laurence isn’t a character a person could play (neurotypical or not) as his autism is so particular and at times violent.”

...Has this guy never seen Titus Andronicus? 

A person can play ANYTHING.

On Broadway I have seen human actors play cats, lions, baboons, and witches. 

On multiple occasions a fine-boned actress has been used to play Peter Pan. I’m pretty sure you could cast a small actor to play a pre-teen boy. Then the play wouldn’t have attracted so much negative attention.

As for “writing something a certain way doesn’t mean you approve of it.”

True. 

My fans can tell you that my main character spouts a fair amount of ableism. They’ll also tell you that this flaw is addressed openly and resolved as part of her character arc. 

They’ll ALSO also tell you that the “villains” of my story embrace ableist ideals. So yes, I wrote ableist stuff. But you can tell by the waythese things are framed how the writer wants you to feel about them.

No, I haven’t seen the play because I don’t live in the same country as it and it would take 12 hours to fly there. But I read what people write about it and I draw my own conclusions.

And the fact that ableist jokes are punchlines does not endear me to the playwright or the puppet. 

You say you haven’t read the play, and from the sounds of it you haven’t read many reviews either. 

If you think it’s wrong for me to criticize it after watching all of this unfold over days and days, and reading a dozen reviews by people who loved it and people who hated it, then how is it right for you to defend it?

3) Aw, look at that straw man lying on its side! You did a good job there.

Nowhere in my puppetgate summary do I claim that 100% of autistic people feel the same way.

I was summarizing what has been going down on Twitter over the past two weeks. I know because I was there. Don’t believe me? Actually spendsome time on the puppetgate hashtag and the actuallyautistic hashtag and see what people are saying.

And of course less than 100% of #actuallyautistic people feel the same, but I want to point out that at the time of this writing, my #puppetgate summary post has nearly 11K notes, all of them expressing disgust at the idea of this play.

Autistic people are disgusted. Autism allies are disgusted. Even people with no connection to autism can often see why this is effed up.

Yours was the only message I have received trying to defend the idea of a play featuring a messed up family arguing, discussing bukkake, calling their child a “puppy” using language which results in the play being rated as 16 plus... all in front of their eleven year old…

But what really bothers me is that somehow people come out of there identifying with the parents and thinking that it is “brave” and “honest.” 

They blame autism for what it has done to this family.

THE DAD SHAT ON HIS WIFE’S PILLOW AND BLAMED IT ON HIS OWN SON.

And the really sad thing is that your lonely messages in my inbox didn’t contain a single unique thought. I’ve been seeing those tired excuses and straw man arguments all over twitter for weeks.

They don’t stand up.

I’ve performed in theatre. I was willing to withhold judgement until more details about the play emerged. 

I was hoping they would say something brilliant and profound about what life is like for an eleven year old child with autism who is being sent away because his messed up family can’t stand it any more.

But facts are facts… they didn’t.

All they are doing is telling audience after audience that it is funny to insult your autistic child in his very presence and that autism wrecks marriages.

You can understand why a LOT of autistic people would be a bit sensitive about that kind of message.

It doesn’t have to be everyone. 

there's hope out there (it doesn't have to happen now) ; a credence barebone fanfiction

Prompt 3/20: making history Summary: credence is slowly healing and overcoming his past, newt wants to help him, queenie is overprotective and tina wants him to follow his own path Disclaimer: work of fiction, original story and universe belongs to the one and only jk rowling no profit gained out of this Comments:  this took a little longer that i expected because i got sidetracked with writing headcanons for a while, but got inspired and managed to finish it. as always, english is not my first language so please forgive any grammar mistakes love, comments, constructive criticism and positive thoughts are more than welcome!! read it at my writing journal and ao3

What it was at the beginning called “temporary custody” seemed to start dancing around the category of “permanent”. Credence was still living in Miss Tina's and Miss Queenie's house, even if they both had a few words, more like screams, it was the first time Credence had seen Miss Queenie screaming, and it was terrifying; with their landlord about “not men allowed in the building”, but it seemed they managed to convince her, or they used magic against her, because Credence was still there. And somehow, slowly and in his very own pace, Credence was healing. He knew it was going to be a gradual and tedious process, but in all honesty, it wasn't like he had anything else to do. No more pamphlets to give away, no beatings to endure, no cold winter mornings to stand without a coat, no more lectures on God, no more punishments. His days were uneventful, peaceful, full of No-Maj books, magic lessons and learnings with Miss Queenie and Miss Tina, enjoying his time outside now that he wasn't so anxious about going outside by himself, fancying to take long and regarding walks in Central Park. He was trying very hard to control the darkness inside of him, trying to channel his bad memories and his dim thoughts, really focusing on disassociating Mister Graves' face from his acts and words, learning about Grindelwald instead, trying to bask in Miss Queenie's nurturing touches and kind words instead of his Ma's. It wasn't easy, and sometimes it didn't quite work, but the truth was, Credence hadn't felt again like he did that night in the subway, or the nights before that. Engulfed by the fog, consumed by his fear, his panic and his anxiety. Completely unable to control himself. That didn't mean the darkness had disappeared, Credence knew it was still here, it was just more stable, controlled, in balance. Newt had tried to explain what the whole Obscurial and Obscurus thing was, and how it worked. And it was all dark stories, no pun intended. He had talked to him about a young girl who died when tried to be separated from her Obscurus, he had told her about kids being consumed by their own fear and revulsion against magic. Tragic deaths, it always ended the same way. But Credence wasn't dead, he was alive, striving, surviving, conquering the darkness inside of him as best as he could, and he didn't really could understand why. “It's because you're different, Credence.” Newt had said to him, in one of his visits between his travels, and Credence never knew what to say when he said that kind of things. “Very powerful.” He looked between fascinated and marvelled, curious and intrigued. He had always felt comfortable around the English man, but there was something in the spark of Newt's eyes that he didn't really understand properly. “You're the first person known older than 10 who is being able to overcome this, you know what's that supposed to mean?” Credence looked at him, and his mouth opened and closed a few times. No he actually, he had no idea, and he just stared at Newt's face, through his overgrown bangs and slowly shook his head a few times. “You're making history, Credence.” There was a smile on Newt's face, almost a smirk, and somehow Credence found himself smiling back, even if he wasn't entirely sure what he was making history about, neither if there was a reason for smiling. “And if only we could find a way...” Newt stammered, looking down at his hands on the surface of the Goldsteins dinner table. “To separate you from your Obscurus, now that would be... It's dangerous and not entirely effective yet but if we found a way...  If I found a way... Then it would be the first case, and we could understand more about this...” Now, he was failing into his awkward mannerisms again, like he was unsure of what he was saying, and somehow his words stumbled together, the s sounds and the r rolling and the accent was so obtuse Credence sometimes had problems understanding him. Miss Queenie's giggle distracted him from his thoughts, and he blinked to look up at her instead, while she was cooking. “Oh, I know sweetie It's the accent, those brits.” She said it in a way like it was almost mischievous, like they were sharing a secret, and Credence laughed too, making her smile deepen, so her dimple was very prominent on her cheek. Laughing was just a foreign thing to him, it was like he had to learn how to do it all over again and to do it without fear, without the apprehension of doing something wrong, doing anything that would trigger any kind of punishment. But his daily life with the Goldsteins wasn't like that, there was no punishments, no fear, and much more laughing than Credence had experience in all his life. But when Miss Queenie attention shifted to Newt instead, her whole attitude changed. “You're confusing him... and he's not one of our creatures, Newt.” She sounded so stern, so serious, Credence had to blink up at her again, because it seemed so out of character of her, who was always bright and cheerful. She was worried, Credence could tell even without her gift of mind-reading, but he couldn't really put his mind on why. “Absolutely not.” Newt replied, in that kind of too polite way, almost awkward once again, his head tilting to the side as he said so, looking at Queenie with an equal solemn expression on his face. “But he's not a child either, Queenie.” He went on, and Credence noticed how Miss Queenie was about to say something before Miss Tina stepped in. “And he's capable of speaking by his own and make his own decisions, it's not like he's not right here, present in the room.” Miss Tina didn't really look stern, in fact, she seemed kind of annoyed. She had a scowl on her face and her expression was rather exasperated and the two of them looked at her with widened eyes and parted lips, but saying nothing. It was then when all the eyes turned to Credence, who was sitting there, quiet up until that moment. He knew what they were talking about, Newt had talked about him before, when the both of them were in his suitcase, with his creatures. They talked about trying to separate Credence from his Obscurus, Newt explained to him what happened to that African girl. He knew it was something unstable, no matter if he could control it right now, Credence knew he was still dangerous,and he knew that there was no possibility that the separating him from the Obscurus would work, not at all. It was scary, of course it was, but it was also scary to live knowing there was something inside of him that was such a dark, destructive force that he had little, very little control of. Something that was triggered over the slightest feelings of anxiety and fear, a tickling boom inside of his chest, ready to explode. And what if he hurt Miss Tina and Miss Queenie the same way he had hurt his Ma and Chastity the next time it happened? What if he put the lives of hundreds of people in danger because of losing control again? Credence's conscience wouldn't bear that a second time, it was barely bearable right then. So he just looked at the three of them, blinking, his thoughts drifting from wanting to try and wanting to be good but also being afraid of what could happen, there was a time Credence used to think about death like a liberating end, but now it was just scary and unwelcome. He looked down at his hands, wishing that Miss Queenie could just read everything off his mind and tell the others instead, it would be much easier. “It would be, honey.” Miss Queenie smiled, sitting down next to him, her hand falling on top of Credence. “But it's better if you say it yourself, Teen and Newt want to know what you think, and they will respect the decision you take. We all will.” Her words, and her touch, alone was enough for Credence to feel calmer, and he smiled again with a faint nod. This was Mister Newt and Miss Tina, it was people he trusted, people he liked and people he knew who were protecting him and taking care of him, not people who was going to take advantage of the darkness living within him. “I-I would like to try.” Credence said, nodding again. “Even if I... If it's not sure it will work.” His lips pressed into a thin line, and looked at all of them again, but focused longer on Mister Newt. “But... It could work, right?” He stammered a little, and he waited a few seconds for Newt to nod, and Credence smiled after releasing a small sigh of relief. “If there's that possibility, then I want to try.” Newt grinned, Tina smiled and Queenie let out a sigh, squeezing Credence's hand. “You're so brave, sweetheart.” It made him look down, warmth expanding inside of his chest, like he was being cocooned by the words leaving her mouth. “Next time I come, Credence, we will try.” They all knew it was too soon to try it then, too hasty. And Newt could research some more, maybe ask Dumbledore. Read more about the little written about Obscurials, try to experiment with the one he had in his suitcase, and find a way to practice what to do without putting someone in danger, so Credence would be less exposed as well. “Okay Mister Newt.” Newt jumped on his seat, and gave him a stare and a raised eyebrow and Credence straightened almost automatically. “N-Newt.” Newt smiled broadly, muttering 'that's better!', and leaning back on his chair. They resumed their evening with Miss Queenie's delicious food and the sharing of the stories both from Hogwarts and Ilvermorny, that had Credence grinning with a dreamy smile, thinking about a lifetime filled with magic. Because Credence was, indeed, making history, and maybe he will be the first one to win.