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kyouka-supremacy · 2 years

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You know, actually, there's one distinctive trait, a very simple reason that had me fall in love with sskk.

They meet each other for the first time; they don't hate each other. Akutagawa was just doing his job (rip), and Atsushi's main sentiment towards Akutagawa was fear- hatred too, maybe, but nothing more than any other mafia operative. They don't know each other yet.

Then, they get to know each other. They start to understand each other's reasons and motivations as they share-scream them with each other while fighting. They start to understand each other, and that's when they start hating each other like they've never hated anyone before. But why is that? Where does all this loathing come from? It's quite simple: because as soon as they started knowing each other, they started seeing themselves in the other; and the person both of them hate more than anyone else is themselves. You don't even need to check how both of them have themselves listed as their own major dislike on their respective profiles to perceive that: it's already more than evident by simply taking a look at their self-destructive tendencies, need for validation, null self-esteem they've been carrying through the whole manga. They see themselves in the other, end they hate themselves, so they hate the other too.

But then. Then they start to see something else too. They start to see how broken the other is. They start to see how kind the other is. They start admiring how strong the other is!! And they start questioning, how is that person not worth of love? Isn't it beautiful how they lived through hell, yet they're still standing? And finally!! A slow realization makes its way through them. If they are worthy of love, and they are like me- doesn't that mean I'm worth of love too? If they're worthy of living, does that mean that so am I?

And that's how their feelings of hating themselves, hating each other, loving each other, loving themselves come full circle. That's the thing I love about this ship: how the journey towards learning to love each other is actually a journey to learning to love themselves. And I think that's beautiful :')

#The essay I build in my mind at 2am to make me fall asleep–#is worded a thousand times better than this but eh this is what you get ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#It's not like I could ever put my love for them in words anyway (╥﹏╥)#atsushi nakajima #ryūnosuke akutagawa #sskk #Changing blog title to sskk-manifesto #(Not actually but it would be fitting lmao)#bsd #bungou stray dogs #mine #Forbidden line I had to cut off because it didn't match the tone of the post:#“They start to understand each other's reasons and motivations as they share-scream them with each other–#because apparently that's what shonen manga protagonists do while fighting idk”#q.#Edit: IT'S SO FUN TO WITNESS MY OLD SSKK POSTS BEING PUBLISHED I was so hopeful and romantic towards them back then you go old Kyo #I'm currently in a major angst / sskk is Akutagawa's unrequited love phase but you'll have to wait three months to witness it (sobs)#shin soukoku

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miyaniacs · 4 years

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Mafia AU - Bokuto x fem!reader

Chapter 6 - Unexpected Events

Chapter 5 - You are mine. ; Index ; masterlist

warnings: mentions of death and blood

Tuesday, 7pm

Ushijima left about an hour ago, he stayed quite long after last night. Strange enough you had a feeling that he felt bad when he saw all the bruises he left on your body and how you frowned with every movement.

You sigh and fall down on your sofa, pulling your blanket over your legs.

Why have I chose this life again? You sigh and look over at the plush owl.

Yeah why have you? At first you could say it was as if you were forced. Ushijima saved you this one night, that still hunts your dreams. Until that night you’ve always been naive, walking around the city at night, partying until the next morning or waking up in some strangers bed.

That night you got into the car of those two guys, they told you they just needed to ‘talk with some of their guys’. You got out of the car with them, the ‘other guys’ already waiting for them, but as soon as they saw you something changed. “We got something for us to have some fun” the one next to you said and pushed you forwards, you stumbled on the hard ground. The other got closer and you knew what was going to happen to you, but then he came. You still remember his words: “You’re here to work and not to take advantage of some innocent girl. GET THE FUCK OFF OF HER NOW!”. Then a shoot, and the guy who was feeling you up just seconds before fall down next to you. Blood running put off the wound on his head. The next thing you felt was his arm around your waist pulling you up, protectively pushing you against him, the gun in his other hand. You can still feel the warmth that filled your body in that moment. You never felt so save before.

Ushijima took you home that night and stayed until you felt asleep. The next morning you woke up finding some fresh croissants in your kitchen together with his number, saying that you should text him. And so you did.. and he asked you for one small favour. This favour was 2 years ago. You got used to all the money, the adrenaline and the fun.

“I’m so sorry Bokuto.” You say and pull the owl into your chest, feeling the tiredness taking over your body you closed your eyes.

Wednesday, 2am

Your eyes shoot open. What was this noise? Is someone at your door? Yeah there is definitely someone banging on your door.

You grab your gun and walk over to your door.

“Y/n.. please tell me you can hear me.” Wait you know this voice, but it sounds different?

You look throw the door viewer and you see exactly what you feared to see.

Quickly you open the door and help Bokuto in. Blood dripping out of a wound on his arm, his right eye is swollen and all in all he doesn’t look good, probably due to the blood loss.

You guide him to your bathroom and he sits down on your toilet.

“Can you take off your shirt?” You ask him and he nods, taking off his shirt. You grab a long tweezer and some bandages. FUCK your disinfectants are empty. “Bo, I’m sorry but I need to get vodka, I forgot to stock up on my disinfectants.” You look back at him, “Take that towel and press against the wound.” Hurrying back to your kitchen you grab the vodka and come back into the bath only to find Bokuto passed out. “FUCK!” You exclaimed and quicks check his pulse.

Okay. Everything is alright. He just passed out. You quickly clean up the wound with the vodka, which eventually gets him back to reality. “SHITT” he groans. “I need to get the bullet out. Here bite on that towel.” You hand him the towel he was originally supposed to press on his wound.

Carefully you remove the bullet with the tweezers and sew the wound together. You’re really glad you volunteered for the ambulance when you were 18. After putting on the bandage, you finally look into his eyes.

“Bo, what happened?” Your eyes filled with sorrow.

“Nothing major, one of the gangs that worked for us though it was a good idea to act up.”, He took a sip out of the vodka, “but don’t worry, I took care of them.” He lazily smirks.

“Bokuto - “ you start but he interrupts you. “It’s fine really, I can go now if you want. Your apartment just was the nearest and I needed somewhere to go and you told me that you volunteered for the ambulance so, sorry if I caused trouble.” He gets up, his face twitched in pain.

Why do all of them have to act so tough. You can’t even count the times Tosh stood in front of your door, with several wounds barley able to walk - all the convincing it took you to made him stay, it was ridicules.

“Bokuto, please stay.” You stutter. He turns around and looks down at you. “Do you really want that?” He asks. You nod and take his hand leading him to your bedroom, gesturing to your bed. He hesitates at first but then took off his shoes and lays down.

“Do you need anything?” You ask him and he smiles. “Just you in my arms.” Your heart arches and you slowly walk towards him. You sit down next to him and he wraps his non injured arm around you to pull you down on his chest. After a few seconds you shift and wrap one arm around his waist, your head rests on his chest while you throw one of your legs over his.

“Who caused them?” He asks, his fingers tracing the marks Ushijima left on your collarbone and neck. You gulp, already looking for an excuse. “Wait never mind, just tell me if it’s something serious with this guy?” He mumbles his fingers now run through your hair. “I really don’t know, it’s mainly sex but I-“ you sigh, you’ve actually always been confused about what this thing between you and Tosh is. “It’s fine, that just means that I have to take more effort in now to make you mine.” You feel your cheeks burn at his words - ‘To make you mine.’.

As if you’re in trance you look at his eyes and push yourself up, to kiss him. Finally you feel his soft lips again. Switching the position you’re now sitting onto of him, deepening the kiss. You don’t know how much practice he got, but you’re melting in the kiss, both of you not wanting to break it. Soon after you need air, he gently stokes your cheek and gives you a perk on your lips. “We should sleep okay?” You whine in response. “No baby, we sleep now, we are not in the right state to get this more heated.” He chuckles as you mumbles something not understandable and cuddle back up on him. His arm pulls you tighter onto him, his face nuzzled in your hair, as you fall asleep to the steady beat of his heart.

Wednesday, 7 am

You wake up by someone calling your name.

“Hey, y/n.” Bokuto whispers in your ear while planting kisses on your temples. “Baby, I know you’re awake.” He laughs softly and you groan. “Just a few more minutes..” You mumble and cuddle closer to him, hiding your face in his chest, shielding your eyes from the morning sun.

“Baby.. You need to get up. You have a class at 9am.” He stokes your hair and looks at you lovingly. You move your head, eyes fluttering because of the light and place a kiss on his jawline.

“I’ll just skip it.” You close your eyes again but Bokuto takes away the blankets and now you’re freezing. “OMG BO?!” Your eyes are now fully open and you look at him disgusted. “You don’t need to care about my education” you huff. Yes, you’re grumpy in the morning. Especially with the lack of sleep and your needed caffein. “Go and get ready, I’ll make some coffee grumpy.” Bokuto laughs. “Wait, let me check your arm first.” You look at the bandage on his arm, which has a light red sport showing. “No, I’m fine, don’t worry about me. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” He lies, and clearly you know that he does, but you don’t have the energy right now to discuss this topic any further with him so you just sigh and make your way to the bathroom.

Wednesday, 7:50 am

“Here.” Bokuto places the cup in front of you, while you scroll through your phone checking your messages. “Thank you Bo.” You smile, not lifting your eyes off your phone. “Should I drive you to your campus?” He asks and lifts his own cup up to his lips. “Would that be okay for you?” You now look at him. His hair is still messy, he has dark circles under his eyes, one of his eyes is still some colour of purple, his shirt isn’t buttoned up completely, leaving the upper buttons undone. “You look like shit.” You state. “Oh you were the one putting vodka on my wound, how do you expect me to look?” He rolls his eyes in a joking way before he adds ”besides I’d put on a different shirt if I were you. There is quite some discolorations showing.” You groan, remembering the mess Ushijima left on your skin and get up to put on a T-Shirt with a higher collar.

Wednesday, 8:40 am

You get out of Bokuto’s car after saying your goodbye and promising him that you won*t ignore his messages and be save and most importantly text him if you’d feel uncomfortable.

Walking towards the building your class is held in you receive a massage from Ushijima.

From: Tosh

Wait for me in the room after the lecture ends. We need to meet Kags at the Casino afterwards.

You reread the message for five times and the ‘wait for me in the room’ won’t make any sense.

“Hey Y/N!” Your best friends walk up to you and you great them putting your phone away. It’s Ushijima after all who knows why you need to wait there for him.

Wednesday, 9:15 am

The door opens and your faculty director walks in. “I’m sorry to announce that Professor Bernstein died.” All the student immediately start to whisper, all the crazies theories about his death coming up, “YET we quickly found someone who will take his place for the rest of the semester. Please welcome -“ you stop listening. You already know who he is, and now you know why your old professor has died all of sudden. You roll your eyes as Ushijimas lock with yours.

Wednesday, 1:30 pm

You told your friends that you need to talk with the Professor because of some essay you had to do. They just smirked at you “You don’t have to lie, we have eyes. He is hot as fuck, shoot your shot babygirl.”

Sadly you weren't the only one staying in the room. Around 10 other female students are circling the desk Ushijima leans against asking him question after question - or more likely flirting with him. You huff. As if anyone of them would have a chance with him. The black hair one with this extremely deep cut shirt takes a step forward and - puts her hand on his chest?

The more you watch her touching him, the more annoyed you get. You sigh loudly, getting attention. He smirks and tells the other girls off, which still try to stay ,but quickly run off as his presence changes, showing that that he was not kindly asking them.

He slowly walks up to you. “Why?” You just ask him. “It was the Boss’s idea. We’re all worried about your safety since this Bastard picked you up on the campus and also came to you last night.” By now he reached the sport you’re standing, hovering over you. You open your mouth to say something but he’s faster “Don’t worry, I know you’re just playing your role babygirl.” He gently stokes your cheek. “Shouldn't we go now? I bet the others are already waiting.” You grumble and add “You took long enough answering those questions - about what? If your muscles are real?” If you could take back your words you would. The last part was supposed to be your thoughts only. “Is my baby jealous?” He smirks. Yes, yes you are jealous. You’re not used to see other girls flirt with him that offensively. Usually when the two of you are around others it was visible for everyone that he was with you. “Now you know how I feel, when I see you with Bokuto. So just imagine how you’d feel if you know one of them spends the night at mine.” He whispers the last part in your ear. Your stomach twists simply by the thought of some other girl sharing a bed with him. Your lack of answers is enough for him to smile softly. “Exactly baby. But don’t worry. I don’t want anyone else than you.” he gently kisses the soft skin behind your ear. “Now let’s get going, the boss is waiting”

taglist ( open ) : @kageyamasbraincell , @theduvetpirate , @tendouthighs , @lilacshouko @softhourswithseb @theperksofcoffee @cuddlesslut @chromaticstudio @shhhlikeme, @kynyta @yammmers

#haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x y/n #bokuto imagine #bokuto x reader #bokuto headcanons #ushijima x reader #ushijima headcanons #hq headcanons

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zombielovescore · 6 years

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Long, very personal post

So…anyone on here who knows me in real life will already know that my father passed away last week. He had been ill, and ailing, but he died very suddenly and it wasn’t at all something we had been expecting at that moment in time, or even in the immediate or near future. I’ve been making this sort of joke to myself that my dad never did anything in his life quickly; he always took his sweet long ass time and forced the world to wait for him, so of all things that he could have done quickly, it was this. I’m in mixed stages of grief where it doesn’t seem real at all and I feel so far removed from it that it makes it possible for me to get through the day without completely breaking down; then there’s other times where I’m so fucking sad and it just feels like there’s someone reaching into my chest and squeezing my heart and it’s like I can’t even breathe. There’s times when I feel both at the exact same time and it’s fucking surreal – it makes me feel like I don’t even exist on the same plane anymore. That I’m existing in someone else’s place.

Honestly, I think it’s the suddenness of his passing that’s making everything that more difficult, because my dad has been ill for a very long time and I’ve had to watch him deteriorate slowly for more than a decade. In the last year or so I’ve noticed even more of a change and I had a little nagging voice inside my head that was telling me “okay, it may be a day coming soon” but ‘soon’ seemed like at least another few years away, at least, and it always seemed like it would come with a lot of warning. I’ve seen my dad in and out of the hospital, times where we thought he wasn’t going to make it, but it seemed like we would always have time to say goodbye. I always thought that he would make a hospital trip and maybe that would be where he passed when he was ready. My grandfather passed away the year before and even thought he deteriorated rather quickly before he died, we still had time to say goodbye. I still had time to fly all the way from one side of the country to the other and take a bus tobuttfuck-nowhere, Ontario, and hold my grandfather’s hand as we watched him pass away. That was rough, but it was comforting because we could say goodbye, and even importantly, because I knew what happened and I saw it with my own eyes.

But with my father, who I thought would pass in a similar manner, it was different and it wasn’t expected, and no one really knows what happened, which makes it absolutely excruciating to me because I feel like I let him down somehow by not being beside him. Like, I sat down and talked with him the night before, like I’d usually do. He’d be sitting at the table taking his pills and eating his (very late) dinner, and I’d come home from wherever and sit down and chat with him about random shit; work, friends, whatever. And he was fine. He was just dad. It was funny because we were talking about the future and I was telling my dad about the things he should get done because he’s a notorious procrastinator, which is exactly where I get it from. I told him he should get his teeth fixed, because his medication made most of them fall out so he had a set of false teeth for the bottom teeth but he didn’t have any upper teeth, which made it pretty hard for him to chew and eat practically everything. I told himabout an interesting story my friend had told me earlier that day. We talked about a building that I had gone to for a few functions when I was younger where the roof had caved in the day before because all the snow had we had been having. And he was fine.

Then I remembered talking to him at about 2am because he had an early appointment in the morning and he was still up and he never ever went to bed at a decent time – and that was the last time I ever spoke to him. He went to bed; I went to bed – and then everything went to fucking shit and I got woken up at 7 in the morning to people banging around inside my house. My dad and I are the only people who live there, so naturally I’m like what the absolute fuck is going on? I thought maybe my dad had forgotten to get up to his alarm, which he sometimes did, and had missed the driver to take him to his appointment. So, I’m up and out of my room and I’m talking to him because I thought he was still in his bedroom and I remember asking him “are you up?” and then I went downstairs and there’s EMS all over the place in my front hall and I see my dad is on the floor.

At this point I have no idea what I just walked into, so now I’m just thinking “okay, shit, maybe dad fell outside on his way to the car and the driver called the paramedics or something”. I thought my dad was conscious and breathing, but just hurt. Then the EMS are bodily hauling him up from the stairwell and laying him out right on the hall floor and they start doing chest compressions and I know that oh shit he’s not breathing, oh shit his heart isn’t beating. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the paramedic saying “he’s still warm”. I think I just went numb then and there and I had to walk away and go into the kitchen because I just couldn’t watch them work on my dad like that, and I think I knew in my heart right there that he wouldn’t be coming back.

No one can tell me what happened. I don’t know what exactly happened and it absolutely kills me, because my dad had woken up that morning. He had gotten dressed and ready to go to his appointment, and he was at the door with the main door open (but the screen still closed) and something had happened. All I know is that the driver came up to the door, saw my dad unresponsive through the screen – I can’t even get a straight answer on if he was slumped on the step or face down in the stairwell – and he called EMS. All we know is that my dad hit his head because it was bleeding and we found a big dent in the drywall with a bit of blood on it where he must have fallen. The EMS think he probably had a heart attack, fell, and was gone before he hit the floor. But nobody did a medical exam, because of his age and his history of heart disease, so we don’t know for sure if he died for a heart attack. And, yes, he probably did.

The thing that really bothers me is that I was asleep upstairs and the fact is HE FELL and I didn’t hear it. I always heard it if he fell. And the one time he fell and it might have made some difference, and I didn’t fucking hear him and I absolutely hate myself. I make myself feel worse because what if he slipped trying to put his shoe on and he fell first, hit the wall, and couldn’t get up or call for help and he was conscious, and he struggled until his heart gave out? Or if he did have a heart attack first and fell after, if I had heard it could I have called EMS in time to save him?

And I know – I KNOW – it’s absolutely pointless to blame myself. I know that it’s not my fault. I know that there was probably fuck all I could do to help it. But I still can’t help but feel like I let him down somehow because I was supposed to look after him and how the fuck didn’t I hear him fall? And not knowing exactly what happened is driving me crazy.

I’ve been so used to having my dad as such a constant in my everyday life. I mean, I’ve been single-handedly caretaking for him for the last seven years and I’ve always been very close to him. I’ve always been able to have long conversations with him about anything and I’ve never been able to do that with my mother (mother is about 24 years divorced from my dad, by the way). Now that he’s suddenly just gone, like that, it’s opened up this huge aching void in my life that feels like it’s pulling in all of my memories and thoughts of my father, and even though he’s only been gone a week, it feels like forever ago that I last saw him, last heard his voice. It feels like he’s been gone for years, even though the pain of the loss is still so fresh and it’s a fucking weird and awful feeling. I try to remember his voice in my head and I can’t. I’m trying to remember the dad I snuck food home from work for so he would get a good dinner in, because god damn we both hated cooking, and he doesn’t seem real to me anymore. I look back on the memories of my dad and it’s I know him, but it doesn’t feel like he existed in my life. He feels like he’s a part of someone else’s story. I absolutely fucking hate that.

I don’t know if it’s just my mind trying to disassociate itself away from the memories of my dad to just fucking deal because my mind is still like what the fuck just happened, and if, maybe over time, that distance will start to go away as I have time to adjust and grieve and heal in the way that I need to, or if it’s going to be like that forever. Either way, fuck you brain, everything sucks.

And when you lose someone close to you, other people just drive you fucking nuts because they’re trying to be supportive, but they also think that they know how to grieve better than you do and they know what’s best for you, and hey this is what you should do to the house (that my dad just died in, thanks), or here’s what you should do with all this shit. My brother and I are executors on the estate so we have people coming from left and right telling us what we should be doing and how we should be doing it and why aren’t we doing this, and etc, etc, etc. It’s like, okay, please just take a big fucking step back and leave me the fuck alone for a bit, yeah? Let me deal with my shit in my own way and if I need your help I’ll ask you for it. Otherwise, bye.

Apparently I grieve by crying by myself and writing long-winded essays in the middle of the night. Normally I would also be drinking heavily, but I’ve been very sick since my dad passed away and I’m only starting to get better so I’d rather not tempt fate too much here, since she obviously fucking hates me right now. I don’t know, but I think that’s an okay way to grieve. I’m not being self-destructive, mostly; I’m not hurting anyone, so who cares? Leave me to it.

The other thing that really gets me is fake condolences. I don’t mean ‘fake’ as in people don’t really mean it. I’m sure they do. But it’s a perfunctory condolence that they send you on facebook or chat or some “sorry for your loss” shitlike that. It takes a second out of their lives and then its immediately forgotten. No one actually reaches out and makes sure you’re okay, and that they’re there for you. Out of all of my friends, other than my boyfriend, the only person who actually bothered to call me and make sure I was okay was a girl I hadn’t even really talked to for a few years. She called me and we talked for about an hour, and then she’s been messaging me over the last few days to see how I’m doing. Absolutely no one else has done that.

I’ve learned by both this experience and experiencing my grandfather passing away that everybody you thought you knew starts to reveal their true colours when a death occurs because you learn pretty tout fucking suite what their intentions and motivations are and whether they’re sincere or not. It’s so fucking pessimistic, but it’s true! I’ll admit that I’ve become a rather pessimistic bitch in the twilight of my twenties and the general suckery of the world, but I was never ever this pessimistic before.

Basically, the gist of this is that life really does come the fuck out of nowhere and takes you out and then likes to keep kicking you while you’re down, and honestly all of this shit I should have known before. There’s absolutely nothing I should have taken, or should take, for granted.

#personal #loss tw #death tw

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