#Someone said that they hoped he is getting raped in prison
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Hey guys!
Summary: This takes place in Alexandria era. There is a welcoming party thrown for the new group. Daryl doesn't come because of his complicated relationship with Y/n but once he stops by the party, he sees Y/n being all flirty and nasty with Spencer lol and Daryl gets superrr jeaolus only for him and y/n to end up arguing like crazyyy and kinda make a scene at the party (?). Daryl and y/n are like friends with benefits??? but it's complicated :/ and this is like a moment where Daryl realizes y/n is more than somebody he happens to share a bed with now and then.
Also they are not DATING. they're just fucking now and then with no strings attached. no emotions involved (atleast that's what they agreed to without ever talking) so this isn't cheating!!!
Warnings: mentions of rape. Spencer being an asshole and trying to take advantage of drunk Y/n. Daryl punching Spencer. Suggestive content. Lemme know if there is more!
this is more of a fancy welcoming party than that of in the show. they aren't gonna show up with jeans and stuff!
Y/n ran her fingers through her body, looking at the her reflection on the mirror with dilated pupils; not being able to take her eyes off of herself. She got all dolled up, her hair and make up done. She was wearing an alluring, ostentatious dress that was hugging her curves flawlessly which was given to her from a lovely woman in Alexandria. Y/n's head was slightly tilted as she kept eyeing herself.
"Ugh I can't even remember the last time I wore a dress." Rosita complained. Y/n looked over at her and gently grinned.
"I know right." Y/n said "Me neither." she added.
Y/n kept leering at her reflection when her eyes caught Maggie entering the room with a charming dress and a pleasant smile on her face. Y/n turned to her and slowly reached for her purse that was on the nightstand.
"Y'all ready?" Maggie queried.
"Almost." Rosita responded back with an enthusiastic undertone. It was true they went through hell to get where they are at this moment. They all knew that. They were all suffering in agony. These thoughts kept pondering Y/n's head when she heard the door being shut loudly from downstairs.
"Daryl's home." Maggie uttered while cautiously leering at Y/n. Nobody exactly knew what went down between them but it was clear as day that something did. They were distant from eachother, barely even talking. Everyone knew they weren't romantic in any sense but some kind of relationship beyond just friends or teammates formed itself between them back in the prison. They were top secret. Even the ones that know what they once were, couldn't dare to talk about it; like Maggie.
"He is not coming to the party?" Rosita mumbled under her breath to kill the peculiar silence.
"I don't think so." Maggie huffed after taking a deep breath, her eyes still roaming Y/n's movements. She took a deep breath again
"You should come downstairs if you're all done. We will be goin' in 10-15 minutes." She spoke after she checked y/n for the last time.
She left the room. Rosita looked over at y/n for a brief moment. She barely knew anyone but she could sense there was something wrong, though, she remained silent.
"Uhh, I need to go to bathroom for something. I'll meet you downstairs." She said in a hurry as she grabbed her purse and made her way to the bathroom.
Y/n sighed audibly. She felt as if her track of thought was transparent and they could sense everything. She didn't know if Daryl was still downstairs and hoped that he wouldn't be. She gazed at her reflection for a brief moment and left the room.
••••••
Y/n saw Daryl as she stepped in downstairs. He was in the kitchen, a beer bottle on the kitchen counter. His hair was messy and greasy. His hands were on the kitchen counter. He was looking at the door, his back facing Y/n. He turned his head lightly as soon as he felt someone's presence. Y/n couldn't help but leer at his eyes exactly like he did. He may have checked Y/n from head to toe for a second or so, not showing any kind of affection nor admiration in his eyes or his body language. He made his way to the couch, put the beer bottle on the coffee table and started cleaning his filthy arrows with the cloth that was always in his jean pockets.
Y/n was almost feeling embarrased being infront of him like this. A sexy mini black dress, her hair and make-up done. She was incompetently trying to cover her legs with the purse. She was normally wearing even shorter shorts due to humid and the heat of the south and it wasn't like Daryl hadn't already seen every inch of her body but this, for some reason, felt different. A part of her sinked in sorrow because Y/n knew she couldn't have an intimate night tonight like many other nights with Daryl. "He is acting foolish." She got hot inside of her head. When was she ever gonna wear a dress like this and look like this again? And yet, there he was, missing such a fancy oppurtinity that he could've participated with her, show up with her. Hell, maybe that would keep jerks like Spencer away. It was play pretend. She knew that. The people that took them knew that, however shamming the old world wasn't immoral. Y/n didn't mind the elegance of the event, she cared for Daryl beyond that even if she didn't want to admit it but there was no harm for these type of things here and there. She was almost arguing with herself inside of her head. Y/n could feel herself getting sweaty already in that 6 inch dress. Thankfully, her saviors have been Glenn and Rick that ringed the door bell. She almost ran to the door, Daryl followed her with his eyes but turned back to working on his crossbow right after. Rosita and Maggie came downstairs as Y/n welcomed Rick and Glenn inside. They were gonna meet the others in the party. Glenn rushed over to Maggie, gave her a soft kiss on the lips. Rick couldn't help but look at the ladies with enchanted eyes
"You all look gorgeous tonight." He uttered confidently. There was no denying that he could be flirty.
He leered at Daryl and his smile faded away quickly.
"Your not comin' to the party?" he huffed. One could tell he already knew the answer by his tone. Everyone, including Y/n turned to Daryl. He shrugged his shoulders" 'M fine." He said then took a sip of his beer "Might stop ba later." he grunted.
"You better." Rick spoke in a daring tone as he frowned lightly. Daryl made a "Mhmm." sound and looked at his beer bottle for a moment and went back to continue the tense eye contact they had already formed. Daryl didn't seem bothered at all, not breaking the eye contact with Rick.
Daryl's eyes locked on Y/n's for a brief second before he got up, grabbed his beer and crossbow and went upstairs.
"And I thought I did a good speech about first impressions." Rick huffed under his breath, not hiding his frustration even a little.
Glenn looked at him with a knowing look as they lead the ladies to the door.
•••••••••
At the party, Y/n started helping with the beverages. She gave a proud look to Rosita as she came closer to her.
"Reminds me of old days you know." Y/n spoke as she watched Rosita coming closer.
"What do you mean?" Rosita asked.
Y/n was tipsy. She lightly hit her forehead with her fingers
"You don't know right? I was a barmaiden before all this." Y/n shouted as it could be hard for Rosita to hear her because of loud music. She never loved the job but anyone would miss anything from the past nowadays.
"That's good." Rosita expressed, with a fond smile on her face. She was only growing to love y/n's energy more.
Y/n didn't have to prepare beverages, she wasn't asked to. She only did it because it was taking her off of Daryl. Rosita sat one of the stools infront of her. She was watching people have fun when she saw Spencer approach them from the corner of her eyes.
Spencer approached y/n with a ludicrous smile bearing his face. Y/n instantly stopped what she was doing and looked at him with seductive eyes. She got drunk enough to not care about anything, anyone and after all her thing with Daryl have only been about sexual intercourse, nothing more. For the moment, that felt like a done deal too. No could blame her for wanting look for more. Rosita kept watching them for a minute or so when she decided to leave those two alone.
It was evident that Spencer was a bit intoxicated too if not as much as Y/n. He offered her hand to y/n for her to get out of the bar, she gently accepted his hand. Spencer placed his hands on y/n's waist as she looked at him with tempting eyes.
"You look gorgeous tonight." Spencer spoke. His voice was sloppy, even a little bit alcohol could make him talk funny. On the other hand, Y/n was too wasted to see that. She kept looking at his eyes with those seductive eyes of her. She didn't need to speak. Her eyes would do the job for her most of the time.
"You wanna dance?" Y/n whispered into Spencer's ear. She almost fell into his arms because she had to be on her tiptoes to reach him. He caught y/n and laughed it off.
"Yeah. S-sure." He said in a hectic tone. Spencer held y/n hand and led her to a corner. Y/n couldn't care less how far she'd go. She looked into Spencer's eyes with a fierce, alluring look before placing her hands on his chest. Spencer smirking lightly as he replaced his hands on her waist. They danced in that position for a moment, getting closer with each passing second and snuggling into one another. Their bodies were touching eachother passionately. They could feel eachother's breaths on their skin. Y/n wrapped her hands around Spencer more and went further with her sensual actions. Spencer could feel himself getting dizzy both because of alcohol and how far Y/n was going and grinding herself against him. He would whisper into her hear.
"You're so beautiful."
"Yeah just like that."
Y/n couldn't hear him, she was using him in a sense. She just went further and further with her suggestive moves that would drive any man out there crazy. They were lucky everybody was dancing, otherwise everyone would talk about them and give them disapproved looks. On the other hand, Spencer was fantasizing about taking Y/n to his place, spend a fabulous night. Y/n was wasted anyway, Spencer relieved himself. He wasn't gonna get ignored by her like always. Even at that point, he couldn't believe Y/n was all over him, grinding her ass against him so harshly yet so gently.
"Oh no." Maggie uttered silently as she pulled her arms that were grabbing Glenn on the shoulder softly. She scowled. Glenn took a deep breath, his annoyance growing thicker.
"For the millionth time Maggie, let Y/n have her fun. She is a grown woman." He sighed, obviously giving up. Glenn made out there was no way he could stop Maggie worrying about Y/n.
"No." Maggie said in concern. She softly pointed a spot behind Glenn with her head, her uneasy eyes widening a little bit more with each second. Glenn's eyes followed her gaze and he fixed his leer at Daryl and mildly huffed under his breath
"Fuck. He's been moody all week, right?"
"And he was drinking when we left." Maggie uttered.
They were both perturbed about what might happen.
"Look we step in if something happens, OK?" Glenn gently said to Maggie, trying his best to give her assurance.
"No need to get him all worked up." Glenn was trying to persuade Maggie to stay out of it unless a scene broke out at the party. Maggie nodded, slowly wrapping her hands around Glenn and smiling at once.
••••••••••
Daryl sat down on one of the stools that were lined up front of the bar, looking around to find a familiar face. He sighed at the failure of finding no one that he knew. This party wasn't for him. It reminded him the days where Merle and his friends would force him go downtown to hang out aimlessly in nightclubs, bars; hitting on every single girl that would catch their eyes regardless if they had someone with them. He hadn't really meet anyone yet. He was going on runs without any prearrangments and without letting anybody know, all alone. He asked for a scotch. His mind was busy. He thought guzzling one beer after another and working on his crossbow would engage his mind nevertheless, that failed.
He took a sip from his drink when he narrowed his eyes slightly at something. He thought he must've been hallucinating or mistake her for someone but it was clear as day. Y/n was dancing with Spencer and it was safe to say that it wasn't a cute, typical dance. They were all over eachother as if their bodies were glued. Y/n's hair was tangled and messy from the heat or who knows, from how long she had been dancing. She wasn't breaking the tense eye contact with Spencer. She was touching his face and giggling erotically at the same time. She would turn now and then and grind her entire body harshly against Spencer's for a brief moment in a seductive way. Her already-mini dress would fold everytime she did that. Spencer's hand would run through the front of her thighs. He would stroke Y/n's arms, hair, waist, anything. He would touch and caress every part of Y/n's body and Y/n didn't seem to mind.
Daryl's mind twitched at this scene. He didn't move. He wasn't fully drunk but his mind was growing more and more lethargic. He couldn't think clear. He felt a sense of jeaolusy, but did he have a right to feel that way? He had been avoiding her for weeks and so had she. Did he lose her completely? Did he ever have her entirely to himself? Was she trying to take revenge? Did it look like revenge or was she actually enjoying this? Didn't Y/n once say she liked the attention she was receiving from men when she was working as a barmaiden? Didn't she like to play with them like toys only for them to tip her more?
A heavy feeling of insecurity washed all over Daryl. It was crystal clear that Y/n was bewitching, almost way too bewitching. It wasn't like he never appreciated her beauty. The days he would wake up next to her and watch her chest going up and down lighly and admiring her beauty were countless. Maybe he should've made it more plain. He couldn't. A lump in his throat formed itself when he would think of the wall between them that he created. He couldn't be more. He didn't even know if he wanted to. He never had to worry about someone else back in the prison. There was only them and no one else. Spencer have been boldly flirting with Y/n ever since they got here. Daryl never could've foreseen that it would end like this. Y/n never responded back to Spencer after all.
Daryl's knuckles were turning whiter around his drink everytime he would fix his eyes on them. The sensation of jeaolusy and insecurity were no longer there. He was furious, bitter. All he wanted to do was to punch Spencer in the face. His glare growing more stern with each second, yet he couldn't get himself to get up and go over there. He was breathing fire. He examined Y/n's face, movements. He wanted to despise her but he horribly failed. He could just sit there and torture himself with this view, perhaps he deserved it. He notioned he deserved to torment himself with any way he could. Though he never would've want the torturer to be someone he deeply cared about in deep down. His eyes were hurting.
"Wanna go to my place?" Spencer whispered into Y/n's ear. "This place is getting boring." He added. Y/n gazed at him with puppy eyes before responding "Sure." She was wasted. She could barely even walk. Spencer smirked at her. It was not a pure smirk.
Daryl's eyes darted away to other people in the party for a second and went back to staring Spencer. He has acknowledged Spencer's intentions. He left his drink on the long thin table, he got up and slowly started walking towards them. He couldn't understand why Y/n hadn't see him until then. He knew what he had to do. He was gonna convince Y/n to come with him one way or another.
He got closer to them, he firmly grabbed Y/n by the hand and drew her to himself. She almost fell over him. "Daryl." she said in a tone above whisper. He stared into Spencer eyes in a stern manner and turned back to y/n
"Yer comin' with me." He stated. Y/n pulled her hand to herself and howled
"The hell I'm not." She was drunk yet strong.
"He was 'bout to leave with me man." Spencer spoke in a haggard tone. His tone indicated that he was irascible. Spencer's hand took place between Daryl and Y/n implying that Daryl couldn't touch her.
"She 's drunk, don' ya see that " Daryl grunted. He kept looking at Spencer, waiting for a respond.
"She can rest at my place." He grinned ludicrously.
Daryl could feel his blood boiling. He felt as if this Spencer guy was only trying to get under his skin. "And yer gon' let her sleep just like tha' " He huffed in a sarcastic fashion. He couldn't even believe he was still speaking with him. He looked over Y/n.
"Come on y/n. wer leavin' "
Y/n was sleepy. She clattered a "Mmm" sound as she let herself lean onto Daryl. She couldn't even focus on one thing anymore. Daryl held her by the waist and started making his way to the entrance when Spencer cut him.
"And your gonna let that mess sleep, huh?"
He pointed at Y/n by raising his eyebrows. That ludicrous smirk hadn't faded a bit. He was crossing the line. He was being stupid.
"Don't you think I haven't noticed the way you look at her."
Daryl kept looking at him without saying a word. He then spoke, gritting his teeth.
"Yea wanna do this here man?" He was giving Spencer one last chance so that he doesn't get beaten up. Spencer once again looked foolish, not understanding what he could've meant by that. Daryl was waiting for a response, he never got it but Spencer was not getting out of the way neither.
Y/n wasn't that sleepy at that point. She noticed Daryl's hands on her and freed herself from his grip and simply sat on one of the stools. She grabbed her hand to her head, whimpering in pain while she slowly massaged her temples.
Spencer looked at her with a knowing look. That was it. That was the last straw. Daryl looked over Y/n for a moment before jumping Spencer and punching him on the face with all his power. Spencer fell down and immediatly covered his face with his hand, his blood started oozing from his nose to the floor. He tumbled into some of the people there as he fell, which all screamed consecutively to the scene infront of their eyes. He had a huge ego built in himself that he didn't believe anyone would dare to touch Deanna's son, especially in a place like this; in an event like this. He leered at Daryl with confounded eyes.
Y/n turned to her back after hearing everyone scream. Her gaze shifted to Daryl after she saw Spencer lying on the floor with blood oozing everywhere. Y/n didn't say a word, neither did Daryl. However she had an uneasy look on her face. Daryl looked at her with stern eyes, not saying anything. He couldn't believe she was still where she was, not moving; not coming next to him. He was virtually disheartened.
"Fuck this." He grunted before looking at Spencer for the last time. He walked out from the scene. Y/n's eyes followed his every move when Rick arrived
"What happened?" He asked with curious eyes.
Y/n got up from the stool and sighed
"Daryl happened." She took one last glare to Spencer who was looking at y/n aswell. Y/n couldn't make out what his gaze meant. He wasn't angry, disappointed nor shocked.
Rick tried to grab her by the arm however she left the area somehow.
She scurried out. Her eyes scrutinizing the whole yard looking for Daryl. Y/n walked in a rush for a while when she saw him near the perimeter where people were taking patrols. He turned to her. He was enraged. Y/n had never seen him like this before. He was slightly trembling like he had just crashed into something. He tried to control his panting as he cried out
"If yer here to blame me, don't."
Y/n was taken aback by his cold manner. His "don't" sounded as if he was pleading. Yet she didn't step back. Maybe it was the intoxication, maybe it was the bottled up emotions she had been keeping inside of her for weeks but she didn't step back.
"Who else is there to blame besides you, Daryl" she uttered.
"You started off by ruining everyone's mood back at the house to punch Spencer on the face in the middle of a party." She shouted.
Some of the guards were staring down at them, looking fed up with the noisy party music, people throwing up here and there and now these two.
"A party that was thrown for us." Y/n added. She wasn't lightening the harsh, accusing tone in her voice even a little.
"I don' give a dam' 'bout the party." He uttered, swinging his arm at Y/n.
"You may not care," Y/n said, her voice started to tremble
"But the others do." She ended her sentence.
"It actually matters for some of us to survive in some place that's safe and liveable."
"Hell with all of 'em." He spoke.
There was a brief silence before he grunted
"Funny yea still think this 's all 'bout this damn place." His voice was slightly tall.
"Ya didn't see how he was droolin' all over ya." He looked at y/n. He was still, however his mood lied heavily on Y/n's words.
"Fuck you and Spencer. I was having fun." She emphasized on her words. Her frustration was growing bigger
"Ya callin' that fun? Grindin' yer body against some dude?"
"Yes, I call that fun Daryl. Have a problem with that?" She sighed at his sight.
Daryl stayed silent. He knew y/n was trying to get a reaction out of him. Both of them caught their breaths when Daryl spoke
"Yer so clueless, aren't ya?"
"Yer doin' it on purpose." He laughed it off while shaking his head. Y/n couldn't find something to say. She focused on her breathing, tried to calm herself down. Her heart was beating like it was trying to get out of her chest. She could hear her pulse's banging in her ears.
"He wouldva raped yea 'n yea wouldn't even know."
Y/n narrowed her eyes keenly at his statement.
"You ar- y-you." She was stuttering. She didn't know what to say. She just looked at Daryl. Her eyes got watery, she sobered up right there. Daryl fought back thinking she had something more to say in contrast.
"What? Yea thought he was fixin' to take yea in his place to feed yea a bowl of steamin' soup?" He grunted. He didn't care if he was being bitter. He didn't care if it would cause him to lose y/n entirely. He just knew he had to speak on what he saw tonight. Their eyes were still locked up on eachother when Daryl's eyes shifted something else behind Y/n. Y/n followed his gaze only to see Rick and Maggie coming towards them. The rest of their people were lined up infront of the door, watching them.
"Enough." Rick shouted as he got closer.
Both of their eyes were fixated on Rick.
FOOTNOTE
hey guys!! omg the duties i been ignoring to write these are crazy (no complains whatsoever im into this lol) i initially planned writing this even longer and a bit different (daryl practically dragging y/n to the house and y/n puking etc and it would end in a soft way?? like them cuddling and kissing etc and they would acknowledge eachothers povs etc but it would be a whole damn novel by itself and ive been impatient posting this so idk maybe a sequel??) also ive noticed its impossible to avoid daryl getting ooc now and then.. i yield... sometimes he is gonna feel ooc.. and there is nothing i can do🥹🥹
lemme know your thoughts!! love yall
#daryl dixon#daryl dixon imagine#daryl dixon one shot#daryl fanfiction#the walking dead#the walking dead daryl#the walking dead fanfiction#twd daryl#twd imagine#rick grimes oneshot#rick grimes imagine#rick grimes#daryl dixon gif#daryl dixon fanfiction#daryl dixon angst#daryl dixon fic#daryl dixon twd#daryl dixon the walking dead#maggie rhee#glenn rhee
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Think I need someone older
Pairing: Daryl Dixon x GN!Reader
Comfort/romantic
TW: Mention of sleep paralysis & rape
Hope ya'll enjoy this a little regardless of the sensitive topic!!
It was a quiet night at the prison, except for the uncomfortable feeling you've been having the whole time. You couldn't fall asleep like that, it was impossible, as soon as you felt tired and tried allowing your body to rest, your eyes shot up again. It felt as if you were being watched, as if someone or something was creeping over you, footsteps sounded and then whispers..
Your body shot up, it was early in the morning and you quickly realised that you experienced one of your sleep paralysis's again. Quickly you got up, getting dressed and grabbing your c/w, walking out of the prison cell you called your room. At breakfast you were quiet, not saying a word and it caused the others attention. "Why are you so quiet today?" Rick asked you, a worried look on his face. "Didn't sleep well" Was your reply as you began picking at your food. You didn't feel hungry, the memories of lastnights 'nightmare' repeating in your head over and over again.
After breakfast you went into the prison's garden, caring for some of the plants there as you constantly kept an eye out for any threats. A hand grabbed your shoulder, pulling you up and you shrieked out. "Woah, M' sorry, didn't know ya get scared this easily" Daryl's voice chuckled out, you turned around to face him. "What the fuck's your deal?" You shot back, making eye contact with him. "Listen Kid, something's clearly up with ya" He began, taking a step closer. "So why don't ya tell me what it is?" He finished his sentence, holding eye contact. You huffed out at him calling you 'kid', just because he was somewhere in his 40s and you were barely 21 doesn't mean he gets to call you that. "Forget it, you're the last person I'ld trust with my issues" You muttered back and rolled your eyes, returning to your work of caring for the tomatoes. A sigh escaped his lips as he kneeled down next to you. "Heard ya screaming last night, something happened?" He whispered quietly, making sure nobody else heard them. "I sure as heöl didn't scream" You scoffed at him, trying to ignore his presence. "Well, not scream, but ya know. I walked past your cell, heard ya sobbing and whimpering" He replied and sighed a little. "Sleep paralysis" You simply said, knowing that you couldn't hide it from him. He hummed in reply and got up again, ruffling your hair a bit. "Next time ya come talk to me, 'kay?" He said and stepped back a little, you nod slowly. "Mkay" You replied and went back to your work.
When you wanted to go to sleep in the evening you didn't know what to do, the same uncomfortable feeling in your stomach as the night before, when you fell asleep and had a whole ass sleep paralysis. You slowly got up, wearing a pair of pversized shorts and a T-shirt as you stepped out of your cell. Your bare feet hit the cold, stone floor of the prison, quietly walking by all the cells, until you came to Daryl's. His curtain was opened and he was lying on his bed, playing arounf with a ball he had found on his last supply run. "Come in, Kid" He said quietly and you hesiatted, thinking about leaving again, but eventually you stepped inside, closing the curtain as you sat down on his bed across from him. "What's up with ya? Ya look more disturbed than this mornin'" He said and let the ball fall to the ground, leaning forward a little to show he was listening. "I feel like I'll have another paralysis" You mumbled out, avoiding eye contact eith him. It was embarassing, this whole situation. Never had you told anyone about them, especially not some random guy you've been knowing for a week. To your surprise Daryl nod in understanding. "Why do ya get them?" He asked, his tone careful and for the first time he sounded actually worried. "Childhood trauma I guess" You mumbled and he looked at you with such interest in his eyes you almost couldn't believe it. "Uhm.. I don't know if you even wanna hear about this, I-" He interrupted you by saying:"No no, tell me." You took a deep breath. "My Mom's husband, he raped me when I was younger.." You whispered, tears forming in your eyes. Daryl stayed quiet, instead he pulled you a little closer, his arm wrapped around your body as his other one softly caressed your hair. "'M sorry this happened to you, It'll be okay, Baby. 'M here for you" He whispered quietly, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead as he let you cry in his arms. Eventually you fell asleep and he let you stay, pulling the covers over both of you, as he held you close.
In the morning you found yourself still in Daryl's bed, but he was nowhere to be found, his crossbow gone too. He was probably on a run or just right outside the prison. A small sigh escaped your lips as you decided to just keep sleeping for a bit longer, enjoy the warmth and smell of Daryl's bed.
#norman reedus x reader#twd daryl#daryl dixon x male reader#daryl dixon x reader#daryl dixon x gn!reader
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The Story of Minglan
Minglan, save me 😭
I have one more day of work tomorrow before I can take a couple of days off. I've been working 10-hour days for the past twenty days (well, 9, with a one-hour break in the middle) straight. I have so many non-work related things to do but I will probably do none of them and just sleep. I'm just so drained and counting on a c-drama to give my brain an extra boost to get me through tomorrow, though Minglan at this point in the show is probably a bad choice. The Empress Dowager and the stupid court politics just exhaust me and I'm just hoping for a miracle at this point 😭😭
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Does anyone actually care about these random people and their manufactured drama?
We see so little of Molan and Changbai, Rulan and Hualan have dropped off the face of the Earth and instead, we are here debating if this rando raped that other rando or if he was set up over some dumbass scheme I couldn't care less about. If all this doesn't start becoming relevant with super speed, I will be very pissed off.
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How convenient 🙄
So, was she murdered or did they pay her to kill herself?
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OMG!
Is this the first time we've seen her with her hair down? She's so pretty!
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Ah, so that's what we are getting at.
Honestly, I am not buying the whole contrivance. If the Emperor had simply said, "Gu Tingye, you go!" I would have been aboard at once, it would have made sense, it would have been what was expected. We really didn't need this whole mess with their army buddies. All it did was annoy me.
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I am so looking forward to this baby because there will 100% be some drama like Madam Qin trying to smother him in his cradle or something and I need this drama to go back to being interesting ASAP.
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LOL. LOL. LOL.
There is a reason the plot is pushing so hard to send him away right at this precise moment. Sorry, Minglan, but I am looking forward to your attempted murder.
On the bright side, at least they can't stuff him with another concubine while he's away on the pretext that his legal wife is pregnant, eh? 🤣🤣
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Wait, where is Nanny Chang?
Why isn't she with them already?
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Granny's back, at least.
Small comforts.
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LMAO, drag her Minglan.
This aunt Kang is the most pointless villain on this show and it is about time Minglan stopped putting up with petty bullshit.
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LMAO, shut up, bitch.
She has several, all of whom could eat your shitty ass for lunch and still walk away hungry.
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What even.
Again, I ask. When does Minglan start murdering these people?
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LMAOOOOOO 🤣🤣
Nanny Chang going out to murder people is fine by me, too!
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LMAO, merchandise?
Is this a translation thing or do they really call it that in Chinese? Like bun in the oven?
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LMAOOOO 🤣🤣
End her, Nanny!
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Nanny is taking no prisoners today!
58 episodes into this drama and this is the first time I'm seeing someone openly tell a bitch to fuck off 🤣🤣
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OH MY GOD, SHE JUST KEEPS GOING!!
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Ah, so her true surname is Wang after all!
I keep wondering why they address her by her married surname when all the other women keep their maiden name even after they marry, including her sister.
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LMAO, is she for real?
Bitch, Gu Tingye will skin you alive!
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AAAAAAAAND SHE'S BACK!!
I AM LIVING FOR THIS CARNAGE!! 🔥🔥
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Itoshi Sae x fem reader.
Tags : Angst, one sided love, Rape(Not by him), Ending.
Warning read at your own risk! Its not in detail but still.
unedited part 1 check out for part2 for sae's pov
"Prepare for dinner by seven at the same place. "Your boyfriend then proceeded to march out of your shared room, and you smile at him as he waves good bye."
"Take care." You instantly check your wardrobe for anything to wear. You found a box, and you instantly smiled when you remembered it was a dress he gave you on your first date.
You're finally using it.
You stared to imagine his reaction after all, you haven't seen him smile since you met him, and he's also always away. It's hard to be in a long distance relationship, but you're glad it worked out.
You check the time; there are still four hours left. You need to prepare yourself; you know Sae hates it when someone's late. You tried calling Sae's number multiple times, but he's not answering. You catch a glimpse inside the restaurant; it's the same restaurant you both like and the one he asks you for a date at.
Earlier at home, you tried calling him; you thought he would pick you up, but it was getting late, so you decided to come here by yourself.
After hours passed and you were getting furious, some staff came out and asked you multiple times if you had any reservations or how they could help you, and you answered them. "I'm fine." Or ". "Just waiting for someone." A group of men suddenly approaches you.
"We've been eyeing you for 30 minutes now, so how long are you going to stand there?" One of them asks They keep approaching at you, which makes you scared and run. You thought you lost them, but they suddenly appear in one alley. This time you tried to dial Sae's number while running, and you screamed when one of the men grabbed your hair.
You woke up in the hospital full of bruises, tears fell from your eyes, and you jumped out of the bed but collapsed after feeling the pain between your thighs.
A nurse opens the door with a basket of fruits and rushes to you. "Ma'am, please stay in bed." She guided you to your bed and gave you a cup of water. She placed the basket on the table besides you.
"A tall man gave me this; he seems in a rush so he leaves instantly." She said while fixing the blanket to cover you.
She also told you that those men were arrested with a possession of drugs they'll serve prison for a long time that gave up relief.
Days later, you're finally home. Your boyfriend never showed up or texted you after that, and the feeling of solitude surprisingly comforts you now that you think of it.
Sae never shows emotions towards you; there was a time that you felt like he lost interest in loving you. "Or probably he never loved you." You said it to yourself. You thought he was tired after practicing and sometimes didn't bother to reply to you, but at least you knew he was fine and doing great if he only read your reply.
At the hospital You know it's him; the feeling of betrayal and disappointment you never felt for him before has come to your senses. For the last time, you dialed Sae's number, hoping that he would answer it, but he failed.
To:Sae
When i met you two years ago when we visited and stayed in Madrid for six months,i went to a soccer match with my cousin who truly loves soccer (he really forced me to watch) but i didn't regret it because i met you there,your so good that i instantly have a crush on you, my cousin is a friend of one of your teammates and often invites your team that's how we officially met i know you don't have an interest with me that why i never really bother you that much but when we are leaving you ran towards me and ask me to be your girlfriend which made my heart jump in joy,after that we went into long distance which is hard but i understand before me your obsessed playing soccer, i cant just show to your life and stops or bother you with your dream, please don't give up being the best player cause im giving up this relationship, im sorry to bother you these years,im saying that i enjoy being with you and i love you i still do —im just giving up, those having crush on you turns into crushing me into pieces ,i know i deserves someone better . This will be the last time we'll be talking to each other. I love you; take care. My final good-bye.
To be continued... Sae's pov
#itoshi sae#anime and manga#blue lock#blue lock sae itoshi#blue lock x reader#sae itoshi x reader#anime fanfic#blue lock angst#itoshi sae angst
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The Weeping Monk x Reader : Born In The Dawn Chapter 12
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Story Summary: Locked inside a dark room in a dungeon, kept alive only for your power, you believed you’d never see the daylight again. That is until the Weeping Monk finds his way down and steals you from your captors. It is the beginning of a journey that leads you through hardship and newfound hope, but nothing is assured in a world that is changing for the Fey. The magic that runs in your veins is drawing out the worst the world has to offer, does it include the man who pulled you from the dark?
Chapter Title: Unbroken
Notes: Their journey has begun y'all.
Warnings: Violence. Torture. Sexual Assault. Rape Threat. Gore. Enemies To Lovers. Pining. Trauma. Flagellation. Manipulation. Strong Language. Blood. Gore?. Misogyny. PTSD. Spicy and smut parts. Slight redemption arc.
Other warnings: Jealousy. Forbidden Love. Romance. Slow-burn…
Word count of this fic: +190K
Chapter: 12/ It’s a secret.
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The Monk led you back to the place you had first encountered each other.
You did not know if you were ready to be back in that dungeon. Back then, you had believed you would never leave the place again, that you would die there and be left to rot.
The ruins of the destroyed fort only offered a glimpse of how big it must have once been. He was the first to dismount and helped Squirrel to get to the ground, then he looked around for a place to hide the horses from sight. The ruins proved useful, he found a part of the fort that would offer the horses some shelter.
Once the horses had their spot, he searched for and found the trapdoor again, it was still open.
“Wait here. I will see if it is abandoned.” He said.
You waited with Squirrel while he went down the narrow steps that led to the dungeon.
Squirrel wasn’t keen on going down there either. “Why were you in there?”
It was to be expected that the boy would wonder why someone would want to be down there. “Manbloods who were in the Brotherhood kept me prisoner down there. They made me heal them.”
It almost startled you when the boy took your hand in his and gave it a squeeze.
The brave boy reassured you that you were safe with him, “Nothing bad is going to happen. If there’s more of them, I’ll fight them off.”
You were speechless, you weren’t the sentimental type but that sure tugged at your heartstrings.
By kneeling down, you put yourself at his eye level, then cupped his cheek and planted a kiss on it. “You are the bravest person I know.”
Squirrel was wiping his cheek off with his sleeve and looked at the Monk who had witnessed it happen upon his return.
Those red cheeks were visible even from a distance.
“The place is clear.” He announced.
The boy was the first to head down the steps now, and you stood up from the ground.
“After you.” You gestured to the stairwell, sword in hand because you would not go back to that place unarmed.
The Monk could easily tell that you were not looking forward to being down there again and he went down the steps before you did. He did not need much time to light one of the torches on the walls and used it to light some of the others. It was still a dark place, but not as intimidating anymore.
Squirrel was not fearful of the dark and wandered off to explore the place.
You were far more reserved. “I do not want to go back to the room you found me in.”
It was an understandable demand.
There were still a lot of other doors in this place and you were curious to see what was behind them, you struggled to open the first one on the left.
Even with putting your shoulder against it and pushing, the damned thing did not open.
The Monk saw the struggle and put a hand to your arm to make you step aside, then he kicked down that door in one go.
Someone had had enough experience and practice with this…
You peeked inside, as did he, then shared a look.
There was cheese and ale, this must have been where Hutch and Ives stored away their wares.
He walked in and searched the room for a moment. He found a pouch with some coins, caught your attention and tossed it at you.
You caught it and counted some silver coins and even a gold one. “I must have earned them good coin…”
He looked over his shoulder, seeing that flicker of sadness wash over you, “They…sold you?”
Your eyes met his from afar. “They sold my healing ability to others. Nothing else.”
The Monk let out a quiet breath in relief and continued to search the room, Squirrel waltzed in there and inspected all there was to eat.
You noticed something hanging on the chair that looked like it had been fixed a hundred times already, you went to take it and were pleased to see that it was brown leather sword sheath and belt. Of course you put it on immediately and stored the sword away at your side instead of having to carry it around by hand all the time.
Squirrel was trying to open the drawer of a small cabinet, “What’s in here?”
The Monk went over and forced the thing open, a silence fell over him and he closed the thing again before Squirrel could look inside.
“Oi!” The boy loudly protested.
It caused you to look at him, “What’s in there?”
The look in the Monk’s eyes said it all, his wording was vague to spare the boy, “Relics.”
Squirrel had understood the meaning of what that meant, as did you.
You walked over, moved Squirrel behind you and went to open the drawer.
The Monk put his hand against the drawer. “Y/n, don’t.”
This had been your prison for months, you wanted to know the truth and secrets within these wall. “I need to know.”
With reluctance he withdrew his hand and let you open the drawer yourself.
Bones from fingers, too small to be from an adult, were in the corner of it.
Small teeth were in a small bowl…
Relics that they intended to sell, relics of the Dawn Folk children.
Slowly you pushed the drawer shut again, eyes fixed downwards.
He had seen how you were trying to keep yourself together over the shocking discovery. “Percival, will you collect all there is here that can still be eaten? Place them in the hall for now, perhaps we may find something to store them in.”
The boy looked up at you, then nodded at him.
Once the boy was out of the room he fixed his attention on you. “Are you alright?”
It had shaken you to your core. “There were other Dawn Folk here before me. Children. They must have discovered how our magic drains us too late. The young ones were not strong enough to use their magic as much as an adult can…”
To the Reaper, the Dawn Folk were too useful to let them die. Ives and Hutch had only ever cared for the quickest way to earn coin. The Brotherhood of the Reaper would have killed them for this ‘wastefulness’.
You turned away before he could ask further, or see how badly it had hurt to see it.
By rummaging through the room quickly to find anything of use, you hoped to be able to shut that door and not enter that room again.
The Monk must have guessed your trail of thought as he grabbed whatever that looked useful. He gathered two tankards he found and a lantern.
The contents of the drawer was still on your mind and all you had in your hands was a spoon that you had found.
He held out a tankard and you put the spoon in it.
Back in the hallway, he put the items with the cheese Squirrel had gathered.
The Monk proceeded to go and break open every single one of those doors if they were locked. With some luck there was other useful material to be found.
At the third door, he called you over.
You went to see what the fuss was about.
It was just a room filled with stacks of linen and some supplies like a broken broom and some buckets.
You arched a brow at him, “What? You want us to clean this dungeon up?”
He let out a sigh and took a bucket from the room. “There is a well outside, if we go and fetch water we can use it.”
Oh, that was actually a good idea.
“You can wash the blood off of you then.” The Monk mumbled while passing by you.
You took a bucket as well and quickly followed him, “Does the scent of my blood bother you?”
He answered with, “It will if your wounds get infected.”
Squirrel walked over and stepped aside when seeing the buckets.
The Monk urged the boy to stay down in the dungeon. “Wait here, we will be back in a moment with water.”
The tired child did not protest against it and went to look in the room you got the buckets from.
Together you went back up those daunting steps and followed him to the well.
The well was located quite close to the entrance and the old rope still hanged on it. He used it to tie it to the bucket he had carried and then lowered it into the well.
Once he caught the water, he pulled at the rope to get the bucket up again.
The full bucket was placed on the ground and he untied the rope from it.
He held out his hand in your direction. “Pass me your bucket.”
You did so and voiced your irritation. “You don’t need to order me.”
That caused him to look at you. “I was not. I was asking.”
The whole thing had put you in a bad mood, your limit had been reached and trampled over.
You went ahead and handed him the bucket. “Here.”
Without another word, you went back into the dungeon to fetch another empty bucket.
By the time you were back at the well, the Monk stood waiting beside it.
This time you bound the rope on the bucket yourself and lowered it into the well, all while ignoring the way he was looking in your direction often.
You got the bucket up from the well again and put it down with the others while getting the rope off. One look up at him and you just knew that he was holding back on saying something.
He caught your arm before it could pick up the bucket again and you were seconds away of pulling yourself free of him.
The Monk was not afraid to voice how the tense atmosphere between you was bothering him, “You have a sword in case my presence is too overbearing for you.”
You pulled free, “The Hidden disagrees with that idea. What do you expect of me? To be sweet after all that has happened?!?”
When you took a step to return to the dungeon, he followed the action and ended up right in front of your nose again.
Your anger boiled over. “I do not have to pretend to like you, Monk! I know you could have just left me there, but that does not mean I have to forgive you for putting me into that hell in the first place!”
No matter how hard you tried to let the rage mask the pain, it slipped through in your voice when it broke, “And now… here again…”
The fury was there to mask the sorrow. Why had he not seen this sooner?
The silence that fell could have cut through steel, you needed it to pull yourself together before Squirrel would hear or see. You grabbed a bucket of water, ready to return to the boy.
He lowered his eyes to the grass at your feet. “I will not ask you for forgiveness-, ”
You scoffed and turned to walk away, having heard enough.
“I will earn it.” He finished his sentence.
Your head whipped around, you didn’t know what to say to that for a moment. “I don’t think either of us have enough years left in life for that.”
Was that a jest? Or did you mean it?
He did not know. It intrigued him nonetheless.
His head tilted to the side a little, as if he was studying your reactions, “It is worth it to try, is it not?”
“You have to decide that for yourself.” You told him and headed back to the dungeon with the bucket.
It was not until you were already going down the steps again that he realized he was fidgeting with the pommel of his sword, he had never done so when facing Father’s fury.
He picked up the remaining buckets and followed in your tracks.
~~~♡~~~♡~~~♧~~~♡~~~♡~~~
“Squirrel?” You searched around for the boy after putting the bucket down.
He wasn’t in the room where you had found the buckets, or the relics. And the cheese he had placed in the hallway had vanished too.
Your heart returned to it’s regular pace when you found him in another empty room, vast asleep on a pile of linen that he had stacked together. Some crumbs stuck to and around his mouth, the cheese he had been eating was still half in his hand. He had put the pile of cheese down in the corner near him.
The Monk descended the steps with the buckets, put them down and stopped beside you to see what had paused you.
You took one of the buckets and brought it into the room, placing it next to the cheese.
The Monk went and carried one to the room with the old linen and found inspiration in the boy’s self-made bed. He returned with stacks of linen and quietly placed them on the ground, offering you some as well.
You used the first one you were handed to cover Squirrel to keep him warm. The cheese was taking from the boy’s hand and placed beside him.
You walked over to the Monk again and he handed you some smaller pieces of linen, and some that looked to have been cut and torn in long pieces.
“What do I do with these?” You whispered at him.
It sounded more like a careful suggestion, “Use if for your wounds? You can treat them in the linen room.”
Oh…
You collected most of the smaller pieces and chose not to ask him whether or not he had been the one to tear them from the larger fabrics.
The hallway was not as dark as you remembered it, had the brothers truly never bothered to light a single one of those torches whilst you were there?
While walking to the linen room, you looked behind you and at the end of the rows filled with doors was the room you had spend months locked away in in darkness.
Your past self would have never believed you would return here, with a Fey child and the Weeping Monk, it would have been unthinkable.
Then again, back then you had been certain you would perish in this place.
You went into the linen room and shut the door, there was the lantern he had found earlier, a candle burned inside of it and offered a modest amount of light.
The Monk was fortunate to own a flint to make fire when it was needed.
You removed your vest and bodice, the back of your shirt was covered in dried blood.
By feeling your back, you could get a close idea on how bad the wounds of the lashes were.
If a paladin could survive them, so could you.
With the water from the bucket you began to clean the blood off as best as you could, in the light of the lantern you could also see the dark bruise on your lower back where the Trinity Guard had kicked you.
The water turned dirty quickly and you didn’t feel comfortable to keep using the water now that is was looking like this already.
You put on your shirt and quietly left the room to grab the other bucket that was still near the steps, then went back to the linen room.
You discarded the bloodied cloths in the previous bucket and continued to wash up with the clear water.
It took a while, the cut on your hand was the last thing you cleaned and put a bandage on, you started to get dressed again.
A knock on the door, startled you. Still in your shirt, you opened the door,
The eyes of the Monk dropped to the stains on the shirt right away, he forced himself to look at your face then, “I was just.. you have been gone for a while.”
Your brow could not arch higher. “I had some trouble cleaning the blood off.”
His attention shifted to the bucket nearest to the door, of which the water had turned brownish from the blood.
You followed his gaze. “Oh, I’ll toss that.”
He moved past you and picked up the bucket. “I will take care of this. Go and rest.”
“I-” You watched him walk out of the room with the bucket before you got to protest against it.
Others would have been reluctant to even go near or touch a bucket filled with dirty water. It was hard to wrap your head around the Monk. If you were more certain of him and his intentions, you would have suggested going north instead of coming here. But you questioned if he still believed in cleansing and serving the Church, and as long as that was unclear, there was little trust you had.
You put on the bodice before following his trail.
He was right that you had been gone for quite a while, it was dark outside when you went up to the well.
The Monk had tossed the tainted water and was just untying the rope from the one he had filled anew.
He noticed your presence and looked over at you.
You crossed your arms over your chest while walking over to him. “Just making sure you’re not running off with the only horses we have.”
It was possible, he could leave, unless he really did feel responsible for Squirrel and making sure that the boy was safe.
“Only one of them allows you to ride them.” He rubbed it in your face.
Oh, how easy it was to remember how arrogant he could be.
You stopped a few steps away from him, “Are you really sticking around to make sure Squirrel is safe?”
He sounded quite determined. “I owe it to him. You saw what he did, if he had not interfered, that Trinity Guard would have crushed my skull.”
At least he knew what gratitude meant…
You saw him put his attention on you. “I met Squirrel in the village I fled to after you took me away from here.”
He gestured to where the dungeon entrance was approximately, “I could tell that you were familiar with him. He is the boy you spoke about once, is he not?”
It was quite impressive how much of your conversations he could recall. “He is. So, you were telling the truth back then. I always feared the paladins had caught him that day too.”
The Monk was the one who went ahead and took a step closer. “We found what we needed, bringing you to Father was my order, not chasing a boy through a village.”
A question that lingered on the tip of your tongue was finally asked, “Why did you save him?”
There was a line he would never cross, not even when it was ordered.
“I told you before, I do not harm the children, they form no threat.” He said.
For someone so feared, he did come with a set of morals, it only made it harder to figure him out.
There were others who thought differently on the matter. “Father Carden disagrees on that.”
He spoke quietly, lost in thought, “Only evil kills children.”
You recalled having said something of the sort to him not too long ago.
Carefully you approached the subject, “I want to know where we are now.”
Confusion washed over his face.
You had to explain what that meant, “Do I need to be worried that you will kill Feys that we might encounter?”
He dared to stop a step in front of you. “I am a traitor to the Church, I cannot…cleanse.”
His broken faith had put a stop to it. He could not save others from evil while giving in to it himself.
You read between the lines and tried not to take it personal, “You still believe we are born from evil?”
The quiet truth was not something he expected to tell you, and yet he did, “I do not know what is true or not anymore.”
Honesty was something you appreciated, to hear that he was starting to think for himself more was progress.
Your crossed arms were shielding you from his close presence. “Well, now you have a chance to find out for yourself, without others telling you what you should or should not believe in.”
He appreciated that you were respectful about it and gave a shallow nod.
You brought up the idea you had, the journey north would take some days and would give you enough time to figure out if he could ever be trusted. “Look uhm… I have a friend we could take Squirrel to, it would be safe there for him.”
“A friend?” He questioned.
“Far up north, there’s a uh…” You wondered if it was smart to even be telling him of this. “Place. A safe place, for Squirrel. Once we’re there, we can go our own way.”
At this point he was just looking at you and trying to read your thoughts. “How far north?”
That was one of the problems you would face. “Past Uther’s castle. It’s at the coast.”
His eyes widened slightly, as if the idea was insane. “Past Uther’s castle? The land around the castle is protected by the king’s soldiers, we’ll be captured long before we can pass it.”
You knew it would be dangerous, but staying was too. “We can’t stay in this dungeon either.”
The Monk wiped his hand across his mouth, clearly not approving of the idea yet. “Let us think about it for the night, we can decide tomorrow after we have rested.”
You took a step back, finally uncrossing your arms. “Alright, that’s fine.”
In the light of the moon, you noted how pale he looked, it was not just Squirrel who was tired. Sudden exhaustion was common among people healed by magic, first there was a surge of energy, but when that stopped the body went back to it’s usual state.
“Do you still need to be in the linen room?” He asked.
“No.” You said.
He moved past you. “Then I shall make use of it.”
You called after him, “Going to try and wash the sin off?”
He sounded so matter-of-factually, “Only a scourge can.”
The way it sounded so normal to him… it didn’t feel right to you.
You made the suggestion to try something different then harming himself, “Maybe try prayer instead?”
For a brief moment he looked back at you, like he did not know what to say, then turned and headed back down to the dungeon.
It had been a long time since you had been north, maybe the Monk was right and it was too dangerous. But the dungeon was not a good place to stay with Squirrel, children had died down there. The place deserved to be burned out of existence.
For now, all you could do was go back down there and return to Squirrel.
~~~♡~~~♡~~~♧~~~♡~~~♡~~~
Getting some rest in this place was not simple.
You had build a comfortable spot on the ground next to Squirrel with the linen and were trying to sleep.
With your back against the wall, you were reminded how hard it was to fall asleep in this place.
The door of the room was open and you could see the dim light from the torches in the hallway.
Still, it was not enough to make you feel less trapped. The only thing stopping you from walking out off that room and sitting closer to the stairwell, was Squirrel sleeping next to you.
You waited and waited for sleep to come and eventually gave up, even though your body was exhausted after healing the Monk, your mind was not at rest enough.
Quietly you walked out of the room, seeing a small ray of light coming from under the door of the linen room where the Monk was in.
You plucked a torch from the wall and walked down the hall to the room you had avoided.
The door was still open and you could see where you had scratched at the wood when being in the darkness had taken a toll on you.
After a minute of hesitating, you went inside and often glanced back to see if the door was still open.
The room was small, old blood stains were on the floor of it. The first two weeks you had tried to fight them and escape, it often ended in you being a bloody mess. Once your nose had bled so much after being hit by Hutch that you’d thought he had broken it.
You wandered around the room for a moment longer, then walked out and closed the door behind you, this time forever.
The light at the other end of the hall was still present and you remembered that you had forgotten your vest in the linen room.
After putting the torch back in it’s holder on the wall, you went to the room and knocked, quietly announcing yourself, “It’s me. I forgot my vest in-”
“Come in.” The Monk called out.
Slowly you opened the door and peeked around it, he was in his undershirt and trimming some of his beard with one of his daggers.
But it was the small mirror he was using that surprised you.
Your attention went to the mirror right away. “What… where did you find that mirror?”
That would have come in handy earlier.
Dammit.
He continued while answering, “In between some of the linen.”
You picked up your vest from near the door and noticed all the blood stains on his shirt, it was in far worse condition than your own. At least yours had no tears in it.
Your kind could not heal scars, so the ones on his back were still present, but there were still some cuts on his hands that your healing had not cared for.
You didn’t want him to think you had done it on purpose. “I tried to heal you as best as I could without fainting.”
He did not blame you for the wounds still present. “You have done more than enough, I have seen the toll it takes on your body to do what you did for me.”
You were watching him trim his beard so meticulously that you couldn’t hold in a small laugh.
It had him turn a little to look your way, he was not understanding what had caused the reaction.
“I think you missed a spot.” You dared to say.
He knew you were not serious about it. “That would be intentional.”
Well, he surely was confident in his shaving abilities.
You put your vest on and rolled your eyes while walking back to the door. “I’m going to look around and see if I can find a shirt that isn’t ruined. Maybe the Brothers left more things laying around than we have found so far.”
In the mirror you could see the reflection of the slight frown he had.
You weren’t going to ask if you should look for a shirt, you didn’t want to come across as too helpful towards him, it was possible that he realized this.
On your way out, you looked down at the swords that he had put to rest against the wall.
He caught you looking and commented lightheartedly. “You have your own.”
You looked at him through the mirror and then walked out.
Maybe there was some clothing left in that room with the relic drawer, it looked like the brothers had been there the most often back then, and there had to be some leftovers from the ruins above.
You went to a door that had been broken open by the Monk and entered the room.
Dust. Tons and tons of dust, some of it flew up and covered you in it.
More buckets were there, a ruined table and a set of chairs. Off in the corner was a big and heavy looking wooden chest, fortunately it was not locked and you were able to look inside.
Some books, always a good thing. A bottle with dried up ink and a quill. Some clothing was inside, including a shirt you hoped to find.
Under the clothing was a small knife, it was rather dull but maybe it could still be of use so you took it along. And then you found something most useful, a satchel to wear over your shoulder.
Right away you began to store away two small books that looked interesting, and the knife.
With the shirt you returned to the linen room and almost forgot to knock.
He was already opening the door and it made you stumble back from it.
Had he heard you walk?
“Your scent.” He said upon seeing your confused reaction.
“I washed!” You snapped.
Oh, how difficult it was to bury the hatchets when one took every spoken word as ignition for battle.
Still, he could sense that most of your hostile attitude was the result of the broken trust you had in others. It was something he could relate to.
The Monk looked down at your hands and slowly took hold of the shirt in it, while clarifying with a slight smirk what he had meant. “Your Fey scent.”
Oh…
“Did you find that satchel in the same place you found the shirt?” He noticed it hanging at your side.
Your eyes dropped down to it and you showed him the contents. “Oh… yes. Some books as well and a dull knife that I can maybe sharpen and give to Squirrel.”
It slipped out of him, “Everything is a weapon in his hands.”
It seems that he was quick to figure Squirrel out.
You gestured to the room Squirrel was still sleeping in. “I am going to try to get some sleep.
He gave a nod and quietly closed the door again.
Back at the room, Squirrel was snoring a little when you went to lay down on the linen bed you had build for yourself.
Exhaustion washed over you not long after and finally carried you off to sleep.
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#weeping monk x reader#the weeping monk#cursed lancelot#the weeping monk x reader#lancelot#cursed#cursed netflix#weeping monk#lancelot x reader#weeping monk x you#daniel sharman#daniel sharman character
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Freedom (Donquixote Doflamingo x Reader)
Warning: This chapter contains sexual content. If you don't like this type of content, don't read on, even if it means you'll lose information about the story.
You know perfectly well that you cannot escape destiny because you are already part of its life. A tortuous life that you never wanted to be a part of. Your parents abandoned you when you were just a child. You have suffered many abuses from other children and from men who only see a simple girl who can open her legs to anyone. You want to die of shame and disappear from the face of the earth. You don't want to live any more and you want someone to strangle you until you see the light and understand that it is time to leave.
You became a slave for the Heavenly Kings. They marked you as theirs and no one could buy you. You were already giving it all away, you were just a toy for those people who think they are untouchable. And one day, while you were in the Sabaody archipelago, your eyes were fixed on a rather handsome boy, with blond hair and a big unforced smile showing how happy he was. You know he is twice your age, but there was something about him that captivated you too much and you are afraid that it is a sin to have wet dreams about him.
You only know one thing and you know that name that anyone who uttered it would be executed. He is a powerful man within the government, just another dog.
Donquixote Doflamingo.
When you knew his name you didn't stop dreaming about him, having wet dreams, wanting to be part of his world full of freedom and not being a slave to anyone else. Only of him. That man full of sins and is a forbidden fruit for any woman. Those girls are too lucky to have him around. I wish luck would fall from the sky, but you have never had hope.
However, one day during the night, you hear someone open the window that gave access to your room and you wake up with some fear thinking that someone was going to rape or kidnap you. And you didn't expect that man in a flamenco coat to appear there as if he were a gentleman about to save his lady. You were impressed, you couldn't articulate any of the impressions. Doflamingo extended his hand as an invitation to free you from that prison. A place that you do not feel happy.
You, without a moment's hesitation, accepted it, being hypnotized for a few moments by the gaze of the Shichibukai. He simply smiles and attracts you strongly to get you out of there in a majestic way: flying through the air. You open your eyes impressed that this man could fly freely through the air, demonstrating that he is a true bird. Perhaps, it is due to his ability, something you heard at that moment. Fatigue overcomes you, so you close your eyes in fear that everything is a dream.
And after a few hours, you are pleasantly surprised to find yourself in a different place than the prison. It was the ship of the pirates of Donquixote, you were in the ship of that famous man. You cowered in your seat, listening to him walk towards you, and it was that man who was ready to raise his hand towards you. You closed your eyes in fear that he would hurt you; however, you never expected Doflamingo to take away that necklace that was a torture for you for many years.
You wanted to cry at that moment. Now you feel free. Before his eyes you were a caged bird who wanted to feel freedom, to have the wind play with your hair and know that you are safe now. He was not going to let anyone hurt you without his consent until you said you would be in his service, that you would be a slave to him.
"No," he replies curtly, leaving you confused, "you will be more than my slave.
You didn't understand those words until you realized why many women want him. He is a dominant man who likes to have in his power everything he desires and he, since he saw you, has always wanted to hold you in his arms and give you all the love you have never had. And when it comes to beautiful ladies like you, he would kill anyone who dared to look at you or hurt you.
You were trained all the way through him to satisfy him as much as he wanted. Do you want to know what his training was? Oh, every time you think about that, you blush and your panties get wet instantly. He trained your body to get used to him and how you should play with him. A long training process that always left you wanting more and wanting to get more. You never reached more. He always left you in that tortuous process that is frustrating for you. Why does he do that to you? Maybe so that you would understand that what he says has to be followed perfectly.
Four weeks of suffering and, in the end, you reached your destination. The place where the great Shichibukai reigned, proclaimed as king of those lands: Dressrosa. How is it possible that this ten-foot man has such a reign? Every time this man surprises you, what he is capable of doing. Although you notice how your body tensions feeling that something is going to happen in that kingdom. You can tell just by looking at Doflamingo who just smiled and kept looking at you. You avert your eyes a little flushed, the man's face was intimidating and it makes you a little nervous. You appreciate how that tall man touches your chin and his fingers are calling for your attention and for you to look at him.
"Tonight will be the big day," he says very close to your face, "I want you to be ready for what is going to happen. His fingers ascend your face, slowly caressing one of your cheeks. "Today you will be mine," he whispers and then walks away as soon as your cheeks have turned pinker than ever.
Your heart has not stopped beating since that man uttered those words: "Today you will be mine". Today will be the day when your wettest dreams will come true, and you will even notice how your throat is drying up as the moment approaches. And the worst thing of all is that Baby 5 has been with you all this time buying you a lace outfit for tonight because Doflamingo asked her to. You just hope it's not too... sexy. You wanted the earth to swallow you up at that moment, since the girl made you try one on and you looked adorable in anyone's eyes. You wanted to take it off, but she stopped you from doing so because she forced you to put on your usual clothes.
You were getting nervous because the time was coming, only a few hours away from going to that man's room. You notice how your panties are starting to get wet every time your thoughts go beyond your imagination. Until, without realizing it, you were biting your lip hard, wanting that moment to come.
And finally, you were already in his room patiently waiting for your lover? You weren't sure, since he said you weren't a slave in his eyes. You are something else to him. A gift from heaven? Lover? Partner? Many words and prayers, and before you knew it, "The Joker" was in the room admiring the great gift in the bed. It was you, that woman who wished to hold her in his arms and free her from that prison of torture.
"What are you thinking about?" You get scared when you hear his voice.
"Nothing," you simply say at that very moment, looking away from him.
"I don't like it when he talks to you, you turn your face away." He was already close to you as he put his hand on your head caressing your hair.
"I can't help it," you confess, looking up at yourself and finding the man helpless. A man who is a sin to touch.
"You are already trained, my little bird." You blush at the sound of that name he gave you a long time ago. "It's time for you to be mine tonight."
And without waiting, he puts you completely to bed, cornering you between the sheets with his legs and arms. You feel small next to her because of the difference in height between the two. And more knowing the nature of Donquixote, a bit dominant that with only the look is able to undress you completely. With so many thoughts you didn't realize that he was already kissing you with some impotence your lips, as if he hadn't tried them for a long time. You groaned softly while you had your hands in his hair pulling strongly.
You laughed knowing perfectly how you were in bed. For him, it was the wick that lights up your heart and your lower self that you were already really wet. He doesn't miss the chance to take off those clothes that were in his way to touch every pore of your skin and, obviously, to see that lace of clothes he asked Baby 5 to make.
He licks his lips at the sight of those sexy clothes for his eyes and also for any man but him. He doesn't even want to think what would happen if someone other than him dared to touch you. He knows deep down that you are not a virgin because of what has happened to you. You didn't have to tell him what happened because he saw every battle, every scar that decorates your body because of those evildoers. He wanted to find them and kill them with his own hands.
You carry your hands to your lace clothes with some shyness almost covering your whole body. Doflamingo smiles seeing that you are still quite shy. His somewhat skilful fingers slowly caress your entire body, exploring every pore of your skin making your lips come out with little sighs of pleasure that made the King of Dressrosa tremble. He loved to listen to you in that way, so submissive to him and his eyes.
He didn't want to take that lace off because you looked so attractive with it, but he wanted to touch those mountains that decorate your chest. And thank God the hook was in front of you so that he could take it off. Your breasts bounced a little when they felt released by that garment and your nipples stood up when you felt the breath of that old man very close to them. You blush even more, remaining a little vulnerable while you feel that tongue that is a little bit too sharp for your body and that you are moaning softly. You want more from him and, as if he had read your mind, one of his hands descends to your lower body, slowly caressing your panties. A sullen laugh appears on his lips alerting you.
"Are you wet already, my little bird?"
"Yes...," you answer bluntly.
"As I like you to be wet for me," he moves that garment away a little, slowly caressing your clitoris; however, his fingers were slipping because of your essence. "Do you want to put it in so badly?"
"Yes.
"The truth is that you are too prepared."She licks her lips again while looking at you. "In fact, I can stick it in you now."
In fact, I can stick it in you now."
"I want him, Doflamingo," you say his name, but he looks at you as if he doesn't want you to call him that in private.
"Have you forgotten what you should call me already?" With his fingers, he opens the folds of your entrance and with one of his fingers he caresses and makes circles in your entrance.
"Please, Daddy."
"That's the way I like it," Kiss your lips again, tasting that sweet and sour taste in your mouth.
And without further ado, he sticks two fingers in where you arch your back in surprise and a great moan escapes very close to his lips. That invasion started to move strongly inside you causing little spasms in your body and you open your legs more and more receiving more and more. That wide smile that decorated Donquixote's face expanded even more, perceiving that you were receptive to his caresses. He has trained you too well during the journey.
He grunts quietly feeling you close those vaginal walls warning that you are about to have your first orgasm that night and he let you free him. He wants to see you more prepared than before because, let's say, his member is not small or medium. Because he is too tall and size matters.
A great vacuum is created in your lower zone while you are trying to recover some air, and with the cloudy view, you see how that man unbuttons his trousers showing his great majestic virility that you only swallow saliva. You have already tried it once in your mouth, too big and with a great thickness that you thought it would never fit in it, but it is possible with training. Besides, you also tried its essence, a bit bitter but addictive.
It holds your wrists to make you turn your body upside down and puts you in a position of four, which makes you blush even more knowing perfectly what their fetishes were. He told you about them and his favourite was this one, because, as we well know, the human is like an animal born from Homo Sapiens. And almost most animals do it this way and for a man it is most exciting.
Without warning, you already notice the size of that limb entering your cavity and releasing a strong moan and, unconsciously, you bite hard on the sheets. It's been years since you've done this and you don't remember how badly it made you sick. However, with him it is different, it feels wonderful that you wished that this feeling of emptiness would not end. Until you feel it moving with some savagery inciting those spasms again. It is as if he already knows every part of you in just a few weeks. That's what you get when you're someone with some experience, right?
You feel his hands resting on your waist wanting to go deeper into the onslaught, listening to every moan for every blow you receive. Your vaginal walls squeeze that great span until you feel it touches a point somewhat unknown to you that you collapse instantly. Doflamingo just laughs internally finding a little button. A little treasure better than the One Piece: the G-spot.
Hit hard that area where you no longer moan, but scream loud and clear. It is as if he wants your sounds to be heard by all of Dressrosa so that everyone knows that you are his and no one else's. And whoever dares to touch you will be a dead man.
And finally, you notice the second orgasm releasing him completely and he does the same releasing his seed inside you. You blush with strength when you notice that hot semen running all over your vaginal area. You bite your lip with some excitement and close your eyes tightly and fall tired.
His hand slowly caresses your hair making you relax a little and fall asleep instantly. You didn't hear his words when you fell into Morpheus' dreams, but you have the feeling that he has marked you for life. You offered your body while he gives you what you were longing for: freedom.
#donquixote doflamingo#x reader#reader insert#doflamingo one piece#one piece#doflamingo x reader#op doflamingo#english version#wattpad
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I saw your post about Gwen going to prison from the death of Peter and this actually happened in the comics, though her sentence is greatly shortened because she had she hulk and captain America defending her so she was only in a year, but they made her wear a collar that completely stops her powers so no super strength and she also had venom at the time and it also stopped them. And she was locked up with everyone she had gotten locked up so the vulture was the head of the biggest group, so she ended up getting beaten a lot.
Sorry for the info dump I just thought it was interesting and I really liked your post on the subject.
I see, but that's a very different world than the one I pictured - and the one in the movie. Maybe she would get help from some interdimensional heroes but, like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about how citizens of New York and eventually the rest of the world would see her. Even if she was saved by other hero who happens to decide to recruit her, she can't go back to her dimension unless she befriends Doctor Strange and they pull off that "nobody will remember Spider-Man" trick from No Way Home, which would be the best for Gwen but again she couldn't look at her father with the same eyes afterwards and he would die soon, which would be very similar to No Way Home plot.
I've seen speculations about death penalty on my post, maybe she would get it but death penalty is a punishment for first degree murder and a child her age can't be guilty of that, only for second degree murder (but they would most likely put her in a jail for adults or for villains or something). I doubt her father would want her dead - he doesn't deserve '#1 Dad' coffee mug but he isn't THAT bad to want his child to die - but that's on the judge to decide anyway. I was hoping that they wouldn't remove her superpowers because without them she's only a defenceless child and if they put her with someone stronger than her, even prison guards if they decide to take advantage of the situation, she could be beaten up and/or sexually assaulted and/or raped. There are tons of effed up shit going on.
However you imagine it, it would be bad for her. No wonder they decided to change it quickly so that her life is from Miles' pov cuz her life from her pov is effed up beyond repair. Poor kid 😢.
Thanks for the compliment, happy to see that my post got a positive response by everyone so far ❤️
#gwen stacy#spider man across the spider verse#across the spiderverse#ghost spider#spider woman#spider gwen#ask and answer#Spiderverse#tw mention of abuse
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lmao your posts about how awful Till is and how we need to believe all women certainly aged well. i hope if you ever try to get back into the fandom they tell fair-weather fans like you to suck shit :>
People like you, and those on twitter who say exactly the same stuff and even make fun of topics like rape, SA etc are what make me feel ashamed to be connected with as a (former) Rammstein fan.
Did you really think anything would come out of this? You don't need to study law to know that it is hardly possible to proof anything in these cases, some really long ago. It is not even that any of the victims sued him. I wonder if you even understand what actually was/is going on.
This all is not about Till being some evil criminal who will definitely go into prison. If you think that it is absolutely fine that a 47 year old man had a sexual relationship with a 15 year old, basically a child, you can't be helped. It is not against the laws, no, because there were 'real feelings of love'. Basically none of the things Till did or does are really against the law, more like in a grey zone. The whole row zero system, the pressure the (young) girls were put into because they thought they could join a backstage party with all members, all the girls waking up next to members and not remembering anything.
I simply think that he is a massive asshole, he does certainly not respect women the way I thought for a long time or the fandom portrays. He is abusing his power as a man, as someone who is famous and idolized by many people and it's no problem because he is a 'rockstar'. I love Rammstein's music and I want to believe them, but I don't put strangers over my moral beliefs. Most people in the fandom seem to lack even critical thinking, because, no way that our teddybear and his family - who act as one right know but clearly said they are very distant to him by now - could do anything wrong!
It's funny to me that you believe I would give a damn what that fandom thinks of me or that I would try to go back into that pit.
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hi! i commented on the fic itself but i have to know more - absolutely loved ‘just enough to let me drown’ and very intrigued by the essay you said you could write about ‘the one thing he’s never done’ - if you’re up for it, i would love to hear said essay
Link to work in progress fic:
Many, many overlapping concepts, really, which are difficult to get into a coherent flow. I have attempted across a couple of posts!
Relevant interlocking quotes and some notes within:
Tommy’s standing in the hotel foyer conflicted between wanting and not wanting people to recognise him and Diana, and he thinks:
‘…a hope they were recognised [can someone on the outside see something’s not right here?], because it scratched [listening for the sound of something on the other side of the tunnel wall scratching through] at him uneasily [see below], this particular proving, her dressed like that [upper class] and him dressed like this [working man]. If Mosley was somehow contriving to hit him with a charge of rape[where did that word suddenly come from, Tommy, with no context for it?], or to blackmail him with this somehow [Mosley has blackmailed Tommy before], there might be some doubt if people witnessed him and her together at peace [peace is a loaded word for Tommy: truce? weapons down? death (RIP)? Or simply acceptance?] … It hurt so much [being raped hurts] to think that word [rape] for some reason [why are you being vague, Tommy? You know the reason]. Tommy Shelby, gone down at last [put in prison/convicted/hung] for rape. The one thing he’d never done [how so very ironic if he was convicted in a legal system for this, given further context below]. He was so careful about that [not committing rape]. [Because he’s so very careful that sex is either a clear transaction/trade for coin, hence the prostitutes, or because he makes sure to explicitly verbally articulate the question “Do you want to fuck/fuck me?” and obtains return consent.] He knew there was a line [reference to crossing the line, in the context of going too far and not caring about unintended consequences, raping children, impact to Charlie, abusing power, abusing trust, or in this context, committing a sex act a rape]. It was barely a thread [the line itself is very difficult to see and it’s so thin and easy to cross and it’s also very easy to break].’
When he’s in the hotel room kneeling on the floor between Diana’s legs, the actual quote from palmviolet’s query:
‘This same odd ringing trepidation [anxiety/tunnels again, the looming dread of hearing and waiting for the collapse or explosion or bang] from before, that word [rape] like a bell [the institutional bell; institutions and the abuse of power particularly against children]. The one thing he’d never done [per the first quote, but the trepidation now intensifies because he’s actually in a sexual position now, and he also has a visual loop of sexualised violence playing in his head as a kind of unexpected thing which is making him hard. The first quote using this statement was an intellectual response (they might be setting me up for rape) but thinking it now is because of this layer born from hyperanxiety/intrusive thinking (what if I accidentally do rape her?)] Why did he keep thinking it? [rape. And why does he keep thinking it? He can’t set the word aside. More on this below] Imagine leaving Charlie with that for a father [more on this below]. Not that on top of everything else. [Rape being the worst crime Tommy can think of, he’d accept going down for murder, for theft, extortion, tax crimes, smuggling, but not rape. More on this below]’
And then after the act, where we circle back to his canon flashback on the narrowboat, when he ‘found himself at the narrowboat’ [also a deliberate choice of “found himself:” he’s back at his first childhood home to find himself after being lost and adrift with Diana]:
‘Sprawling on that narrow bunk where his father slept with his mother and fucked her willing and unwilling [confusing for kids because why could sex sometimes be ok and sometimes not?] for years while they all listened and did nothing.’ [Home was the first place he learned about rape, the source of why rape is the worst crime Tommy can think of because it's the only marker that now distinguishes himself from his violent father, and the first place he felt powerless against rape/sex generally. More below.]
Broader Thought Piece:
Three layers in the quote palmviolet flagged
The first superficial layer, intended to be overtly read, is him thinking this: they have so much power over him, and sex from a position of power is rape; Diana could easily cry rape before, during or after, and her word against his would see him put away. After everything he’d done and contrived and hidden, it would be this stupid sex act where he’s not even actually raping her that sees him done and hanged. It would be ironic and horrible.
Except that’s the oh so very easy thing to think. Thinking that repeatedly and on loop lets him cope with the shape of the word rape without having to think the more disturbing and deeper thing, the thing that “scratched at him uneasily”. Because he doesn’t want to have sex with Diana, and yet he will have sex with Diana, and there’s no guarantee there is a transaction or a return benefit to make this an overt acceptable trade, because Diana didn’t agree to help him. And if he doesn’t want sex and there’s no transaction and yet sex is still happening, that’s rape, isn’t it?
Except he cannot think that about himself. Not only for the attack that the thought makes on his identity, masculinity and power, but also because the very law and mores of the time don’t even let that be considered. It’s not possible for a woman to rape a man. Yet this stupid word keeps bouncing around his skull, and he doesn’t know what to do with it.
So he pivots it even further into this twisted anxiety of ‘I might accidentally commit rape on her, because I am a violent man, and my mind’s decided to think some pretty violent sexual things which she can’t possibly want. And unfortunately I can’t actually speak (part of the oral trauma was the symbolism of violently silencing him, albeit he’s not that badly hurt) to ask her the way I might usually do, and so I have no way of navigating this sanely’.
These three readings as the guts of the fracture in Tommy’s thinking:
- ‘they have power over me and might get me for rape’ (which he thinks is rational but is actually irrational) – surface
- ‘why do I keep thinking the word rape? Why?’ (the emotional response/the anger and disgust and shame) the hook for the reader to recognise it’s him avoiding thinking he’s being raped – call this one the deepest layer, because he can’t even get near to thinking anything like this about himself
- the anxiety / intrusive thinking (which is absent of rationality rather than irrational) of ‘I might actually accidentally commit rape given my potential for violence and that this woman has made me angry.’ - call this the middle layer, he is aware of it at some level
Not forgetting Tommy’s rationalising that he’s doing this voluntarily, in order to eventually get what he wants out of them. He *could* just walk out of that room, right, she can’t stop him doing that. So the surface thought and middle thought are driving his actions, but the deeper thought/emotion is silenced but drives all his emotional trauma.
Gaslit into participating in his own rape
I refer to Diana x Tommy as Tommy being gaslit into participating in his own rape. He rationalises it to himself and hence participates. It’s only that deepest level of emotion/thought implied in the above quote that screams you’re being raped, trying to get him out of that room. (He manages immobility, and he manages one half-step backwards at one point, that's it.)
I speculate Tommy’s had some very open conversations with Dr Holford (a whole essay and fic in itself) which Diana and Mosley had full access to, plus a lot of background research by Mosley (alluded to with Mosely’s S5 reference to May and Diana’s S6 statement on ‘research’ to Ada; I headcanon they also spoke to Tatiana), plus Holford accessing Tommy’s earlier psychologist/psychiatrist records. They *know* Tommy’s mental/emotional state. So, when he reaches out to Diana for her financial/influential help, they contrive to put him in this situation and seem to greatly enjoy the fact he thinks he still has some kind of voluntary participation in it.
This is why I call it gaslighting and why I still think it’s rape, even though he does have all his layers of rationalising as well. The crux of this being gaslighting is: Tommy has already been given his false terminal diagnosis. His rationalising doesn't hold true if the basis of his belief is their lying.
Mosley (and Diana) have already decided that Tommy has no further use for them and he needs to die. They no longer need Tommy coming across to work under Mosley and bring political power with him. Diana fucking Tommy in this way, and the scene they then contrive with Lizzie, is entirely just Diana and Mosley fucking around for their amusement, seeing how far they can push Tommy before he kills himself or does something dangerous/destructive. His compliance is no longer meaningful to them in any political way. They just want him to hurt and they want to drive this man to suicide.
[more to come]
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CAUGHT RED-HANDED So, at the age of nineteen Dub and I had ended our sexual relationship. I do not know why it ended. We never discussed ending it we just did. Every time we met; we had sex at least once. Usually more than once. But one day he came over and nothing happened. And since that day we never had sex again. I was still heavily addicted to porn, food, and because my sex life had ended, I was masturbating even more. It was then at the age of twenty that I did something completely stupid, but to make a long story short one day in January in the year of 2003 the police were at the door and I was at the police station arrested for uploading and downloading child porn. At this moment I thought my life was over and I would never be able to do anything ever again. As I was sitting there answering their questions, I was hoping it was a nightmare and that I would wake up. The one thing that made me very angry was the fact that the police officers (two of them) openly lied to me. Their exact words were, “If you tell us everything, we will let you go (back home) and we will make sure the judge knows you cooperated with us.” So, my dumb-ass told them everything and from there I wasn’t at home I was in jail. I was angry that they lied to me so much that I quickly became a cop hater. I was signing those 1980’s hip-hop cop killer songs. But I was angrier with myself for talking to those cops. I soon was in prison and very afraid. I kept to myself and said as less as I could. Soon I was transferred to another part of the prison and was even more afraid. The one thing I hated the most about prison is how nosy everyone is. Everyone kept asking me what I was in for and I wanted to say none of your business, but I was too passive for that. People were nice to me, but soon all that crap I told the police was in the newspaper and the prisoners came to my bed and was angry with me. It was at that point I had wished I lied to them when they asked me my name. I was really afraid I was going to get either beat or raped, but thank God for His protection. After being bullied (verbally) by hypocrites (wrong is wrong, never think your wrong is less than someone else’s. If you are in jail and know you are guilty you have no right condemning anyone else) I kept to myself and decided not to eat. I went on a fast (it was supposed to help me change, but it didn’t). I began that day in prison a “forty days forty nights” fast and it was soon that I was bailed out and I was too happy.
#booktok#booksbooksbooks#book recommendations#memoir#bibliophile#book lover#book lovers#book review#bookaholic#current read#audiobooks
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More toxic 💩 driving me crazy how stans will turn a blind eye to anything their idols do.
WTF is wrong with Kim Heechul? I mean, he's another one who I felt was problematic but again, even I shrugged some of it off. Now he's giving a not really much of an apology for his latest drunk screw up on a friend's video blog.
Yeah, he was drunk. That's not an excuse. The stuff he said against feminists and one certain group of women was ignorant and offensive, though not surprising from a privileged Korean male. Korea is not exactly the capitol of feminist tolerance. Still not an excuse.
He gave the standard "if what I said bothered you" &" I'm sorry you felt that way" victim blaming, non apology which is classic passive aggressive no responsibility taken, sorry not sorry, the problem is with you not me crap.
I stupidly looked at the comments and almost unanimously are the female stans saying he was just "telling it like it is" and has nothing to be sorry for. Wow. How these girls can just throw their own gender under the bus for a crush I will never comprehend and hope I never do.
Same with Kris Wu. Yes, sentencing in China is harsh, but you know, maybe he shouldn't have been RAPING GIRLS while he was a celebrity there. But we got girls crying over his prison sentence and how long it is and blah blah blah.
And once again, I'm pissed because while I wasn't into his music I did like his work as an actor. Yet again, warning niggles for years like I had with S* but yeah, I ignored them too. And that is on me. I'm not claiming I'm completely immune,I need to learn to not ignore red flags, but when I'm faced with proof that a celebrity I had a crush on or admired committed crimes against another human or willingly broke laws with full knowledge of what they were doing and are not really sorry for it other than getting caught then yea, I usually feel horrible and betrayed and then write them out of my life. Not slam the blinders down and go, nah, I like him so he couldn't have done that, end of story.
Take Deng Lun aka Allen Deng, another C-drama celeb I loved. Watched a bunch of his serials. Then he gets indicted in the Chinese crackdown of celebrity tax evasion. Like, in the millions of dollars, somewhere in the neighborhood of 16 million USD. He knew what he did, he deliberately hid his income, he said he did it because "everyone was doing it" (sound familiar?). To be honest a lot were and yes, it was quietly ignored for years til citizens made such a big protest about the differences in treatment that the authorities decided to make a show of coming down on celeb tax dodgers.
He was wildly popular and then literally lost all of his jobs and lucrative endorsements overnight. And fans were crying and metaphorically rending their shirts, saying they are with him and he didn't deserve to lose his status and poor him, we need to let him know he didn't do anything wrong, and meanwhile I'm just upset that someone I liked so much was involved in that.
Just because someone is a celebrity it doesn't mean they couldn't possibly commit crime. Or if they did they had to be a completely clueless, innocent babe in the woods and it's not their fault.
Take TOP. He was and is my bias. Do I think Korea's laws on certain prescription drugs and marijuana is unnecessarily strict? Yes. Doesn't matter.
Do I think he had reasons he turned to marijuana use? Yes. But he still knew how stringent the laws were, he used it, and got caught. And yeah, he lied too at first. Am I happy about that? No. But the situation was what it was.
Regardless of his mental state, and personally, if you think mental health care is bad in the States it's pretty much non existent in comparison in Korea, he was aware of the laws and as a citizen he has to adhere to the law, even if I, a fan in the States, thinks it's stupid and too harsh.
He screwed up. He was liable, he paid his penalty with lenience that yes, considering his life long mental health conditions is justifiable,and the fact that he was so sorry and upset he took an overdose and almost died was also a factor, he admitted his guilt, he was truly sorry for everything, he got the help he needed, and carried out the rest of his duties as quietly as the press would let him.
I never thought of him as a saint who did no wrong. That he deserved none of his penance and was a lily white angel just because I like the man a lot.
I mean, this is simplifying it all, and don't get me started on the almost repeat of the same situation with B.I. of iKon and how I thought and still think YG is a swirling cesspool that harbored a lot of shady crap and when the pins were down they threw their own artists under the bus to protect themselves. They made for a bad environment IMO and yes, I even hold the Co. and YG himself as a terrible influence on S* and feel it all had more than a hand in that whole mess. But in the end, S was a 30 yr old man, not a child, and he knew damn well what he was doing and what the people he was associating himself with were like.
As the saying goes, you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas. So the continuous infantilising of him and saying how he never could have possibly even put a toe out of line knowingly just because you can't deal with your crush not being a blameless ethereal being is just infuriating to me and always will be.
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My Personal Savior
Chapter 10- Memories
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(Trigger Warning: Rape, and abuse)
Meanwhile, Rick was still thinking about what Raven said. Even if their guns were all taken away, if they could find that military base, then they'd be fine. If they had guns and a few more allies, then they could stand up and rebel against the Saviors. When the Saviors were dealt with, then maybe the communities could gather together and live peacefully. Until then, they were stuck foraging for supplies for Negan, unable to focus their time on much else.
Raven smiles softly and nods as she glances over at the community and then looks over at Daryl he still hasn't lifted his head at all she was wondering when she will be able to talk to Daryl she thinks after all that they have done she will be able to talk to him. She stares at Daryl for a while and then looks over at Negan she sighs and holds her arms across her chest and holds her necklace messing with it. She didn't know what going to happen but she hoped that this arrangement they had with this group would stay like this and not get violent or anything going wrong. She needs to talk to Daryl to clear up everything between them. She hopes he doesn't hate her or anything just because of her being with Negan's group. Daryl lifted his head a little to look over at Rick, the two of them making eye contact for a few moments. Rick held a subtle look of desperation as he gazed upon his right-hand man being imprisoned. His most loyal member, who had been there since the start, was now his adversary's punching bag. After a few minutes, Rick turned his gaze away from Daryl and onto Negan before making his way over. "Negan," He called out, "I wanted to ask if Daryl could stay."
Negan's attention left his soldiers, as he turned to look at Rick. A couple of seconds later, a smile appeared on his face, as Negan signaled for Daryl to be brought over. Dwight, who had been keeping a very close eye on the prisoner did as told and led Dixon over. "I don't know, Rick. But maybe good ol' Daryl here can plead his case. Maybe change my mind." Negan spoke, turning his attention to Daryl instead. Daryl, however, remained silent, his eyes still staring at the ground beneath his feet. Raven looks at Negan and Daryl walking next to him she walks over to Negan touches his arm and sighs "Negan, Daryl is the best hunter and scavenger I know he knows how to find and collect supplies quickly please Negan." She says as she looks up at Negan. She whispers to him, so nobody hears him, but she sees Daryl glancing over at her when she says his name. She didn't want to get Negan upset, but she still needed to talk to Daryl. She either talks to him here or back at the Sanctuary. She wasn't sure what Negan's plans were for Daryl, but she wanted to get Daryl out of this situation.
Negan leaned closer to her, his voice a whisper with a similar volume to hers, "I know he is. That's why he's staying with me. I could use someone like that among my boys. Besides, Daryl must like it there if he's not trying to argue." After he spoke, he stood up straight once more, putting his attention on Rick and Daryl. "Alright. Today has been a productive damn day! I expect it to be this good next week, the week after that, and so on. Anything less, and well.." Negan moved Lucille a little bit forward in a motion like he was about to hit someone, clicking his tongue to mimic the sound of the bat colliding with something. A moment later, Negan's smile returned, "Well, I think you get the picture. Now, how about you go speak to that gawking audience over there while we finish up?" Rick took one last look at Daryl, before hesitantly walking away to join the crowd that had gathered. Negan put his eyes on Dwight, and with a motion of his hand, he too walked away. Afterward, Negan finally put his attention back on Raven. "You've been patient, so talk all you want to." He said, taking a couple of steps back to give the two a little more space to converse.
Daryl, curious about what was about to happen, slightly lifted his head to get a look at Raven. She looked and sounded familiar to him, but he hadn't seemed to recognize her yet due to all of the time that had passed. Raven looks at Negan and frowns knowing she tried but as soon as he says it is okay for he to talk to him she looks into Negan's eyes as tears start to well up a bit she slowly walks up to Daryl and looks at him at how he has been treated seeing all the scars bruises on his face she can't even imagine how's he's doing mental. "Daryl? It's me... Raven your childhood best friend. I'm so sorry I... I'm sorry I left without a word... I'm sorry I didn't know you were being treated like this... I tried to look for you once all this started but I couldn't I'm just so glad you're alive I just wish I could help you. All this has to stop... I can't even imagine what you have been through. Please tell me you remember me. Please don't be mad at me or hate me." She says as she messes with her necklace as she looks down tears rolling down her cheeks.
Daryl's head finally lifted to look her in the eye, his face although mostly solemn held a hint of surprise. After all of these years, he had thought that she was dead, even before the apocalypse took its toll. Of course, he never had concrete evidence, but thinking she was dead was a little bit easier than accepting that she had abandoned him. Yet, here she stood before him. Daryl stood in silence for a moment, the beginning of a nostalgic smile quickly fading into a frown. "Yeah, I know who you are. I waited in that damn lodge every single day, hoping that you'd be there, but you never came. Every day I had to get a punch in the gut because you bolted! All I had left was Merle, but now I've lost him too.." He snapped, his voice raspy. Negan frowned a little upon hearing Daryl's anger, his muscles tense, prepared to step in just in case things got heated. Even though Daryl was angry, he wouldn't attack her, but Negan didn't know that.
Raven tears run down her cheek and looks up at him "Daryl I went back to my house I killed my parents I stayed there for a few days to figure everything out I went to your house you weren't there and then I went to our cabin you weren't there! I searched for a long time I ran away from home to get away from my parents I was living on the streets! I didn't want to get in the way of your brother he dragged you everywhere he fucking hated me! I would've ended my life on those streets.... until... Negan saved my life I would've been dead if it weren't for him.... I would be dead Daryl and I'm sorry I left I didn't want to abandon you ever." She glances at Negan and then looks at Daryl as she walks up to him and touches his cheeks softly with her hands. "Please, Daryl. I know you must hate me but please forgive me." She says softly.
Daryl's gaze began to lighten as he listened to her speak. She had a point about Merle. As much as Daryl loved his brother, he knew he wasn't a good person. He sold drugs, and Daryl often helped with such, which is something he was glad that she got to avoid. When he heard about her parents, he gave a small nod, a soft "Good," escaping his lips. Even though he hadn't met them personally, he knew they were assholes. They deserved what was coming to them. Although he didn't say anything, she had another point, but he and Merle couldn't have stayed in that cabin. It would have been a death sentence. They kept moving before running into Shane's group. However, upon the mention of Negan, his anger returned. He couldn't bring himself to believe that Negan of all people would have saved her. Not after everything he had put himself and his friends through.
Upon feeling her touch, Daryl flinched a little at first, but he didn't move away. He stayed there for a while, silently looking her in the eyes. "I forgive you. But I ain't gonna forget." Raven looks into his eyes tears running down her cheek and nods "I know you don't believe me about Negan saving me but he did I know he's changed since I saw him before the apocalypse but he still saved my life I just now recently reunited with him and now you if he knew that I knew you he wouldn't have done what he did to you. But I missed you so much, Daryl... I'm so glad you're still alive and that we finally found each other again." She says softly as she embraces him tightly. She can't resist not hugging him she misses him too much and thinks he needs a hug like she does. She felt so many emotions as she hugged him. She looked over at Negan as she hugged him.
Daryl still wasn't sure about what she said about Negan. He still saw him as a horrible person after everything he'd done, but there was a possibility he was different before the apocalypse. Everyone changed to some extent, after all. If she had only recently joined, then that means that she hadn't seen the lineup or Dwight getting his face burned, like he had. She wasn't part of anything Negan had done, not until today, so he still saw her as innocent, unlike the other Saviors. Daryl wrapped an arm around her in return for the hug, a subtle smile on his lips. "It's good to see you again, Raven." He spoke. Meanwhile, Negan calmed slightly as he watched the two of them hug. He was still on edge, but he wasn't going to attack unless Daryl did. Raven holds the back of his head smiles softly and embraces him tightly tears run down her cheeks she turns her head towards his neck and whispers for him to hear. "If you escape please don't do anything stupid I don't want to see you get hurt more than you already have I still care bout you Daryl very much but I can't come with you. Negan hasn't hurt me he never will. But please don't start anything with Negan I know I know you and you've been through a lot but you're risking your lives and I'm trying to help and stop all this." She says softly as she pulls away after what she says looking into his eyes.
Daryl smiled a little more, enjoying their embrace. With anyone else, he might not have stayed in a hug for that long but Raven was different. They had known each other for a long time, and he had missed her so much, even though he still felt a little hurt by her leaving. When she whispered to him, he listened intently, curious of what she had to say that was so secretive. He was going to escape the Sanctuary no matter what it took. He couldn't stay there for much longer, even if he wasn't being tortured he could never see it as home. His place was with Rick and the group, just like it had been ever since Atlanta. When she said Negan would never hurt her, he still wasn't sure. He had never seen him hurt, torture, or kill a woman before, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't. Another thing he was hesitant about was what she said about not fighting against Negan. They had to, there wasn't any choice. They couldn't live like this forever, slaving away to meet Negan's needs. Eventually, they'd loot everything valuable in the area and have to travel far to get anything which was going to be difficult now that they didn't have guns. However, despite his thoughts, when she pulled away to look at him, he gave a small nod. A silent agreement to her terms.
Raven smiles softly and then looks over at Negan, smiling softly and nods slightly. She was glad she was trying to get them to not start a war with Negan, but if it did happen she at least tried. She steps away from Daryl she was wondering why Negan was so protective she did notice him watching, especially with Daryl yelling at her, but she knows Daryl would never hurt me. She walks away towards Negan and looks up at him and puts her hand on his chest. "Thank you, Negan, I needed that. I'm ready to go back to the Sanctuary now." She says she felt like she could trust Daryl and Negan, but knowing what happened between them, this wasn't going to stop no matter how hard she tried.
Negan gave a smile in return when she looked over, but he only relaxed when she had finally moved away from Daryl. In his eyes, Daryl was fierce and strategic. He didn't know if he was going to try to take her hostage or something to be let go. Luckily, that hadn't happened, because if it did, the power dynamics would have instantly shifted a 180. If they got hold of her, then they could make Negan do whatever they wanted for him to get her back. There was also a chance of not getting her back at all because this was Rick and his group. Regardless, Negan didn't want to take those chances and had decided to keep a close eye in case he saw any signs of confirmation about his worry.
Negan smiled a little brighter upon her touch, his brown eyes looking into her blue. "You're welcome, sweetheart. The trucks are all ready to go, so let's get our happy asses home, shall we?" He teased a little, before turning his gaze away from her to look at Daryl. Daryl, although reluctant, began walking back in the direction of the trucks. As he moved, Dwight was quick to join his side, keeping an eye on him in case of flight, until pretty soon Daryl was back in the truck he had arrived here in. Raven glances back at Daryl and then looks back up at Negan and smiles softly and nods as she walks towards the truck they came in she climbs into the truck and sighs as she hopes that Daryl will escape whenever he can but she doesn't think he will be able to escape tonight but hopefully he will soon. She thinks bout what will happen when they start heading back to the Sanctuary she doesn't know if Negan is going to talk to her bout anything on the way back. She looks out the window as she waits for Negan to get in and drive them back. She needs to go out tonight and look at the stars to think bout what happened today.
Negan smiled in return before following behind her. He too climbed up into the same truck, placing Lucille back into the floorboard, before shutting the door loudly behind him again. A minute later, a chorus of the same sound occurred behind them as the Saviors loaded back up into their trucks. Not long after, the engines roared back to life and they were back on the move, ready to drive in the direction of the Sanctuary. Meanwhile, Rick and his group stood near the gates, watching as they left. Rick's eyes lingered on Raven in particular for a moment, before turning and walking away, his group following in tow as they retreated further into their community as the Saviors drove away.
Meanwhile, Negan took a glance over to her, a smile still stuck on his face. "Well, for your first time with us, you did amazing. Usually, people are skittish at first, but you jumped right in there like a little mini-me." He spoke. If his words weren't proof enough of how proud he was of her, you could see it in his eyes. He knew she was a loyal and strong person, but he was amazed that she had adapted so quickly.
Raven looks over at him. "I'm sorry it I jumped in there like that I didn't mean to do that you're the leader, not me. I just thought what you probably would say you know but again I'm sorry and I appreciate you letting me talk to Daryl I saw how you were watching to make sure he didn't do anything but he never hurt me Negan. I'm the one who hurt him emotionally, and I'm so happy he forgave me." She says, looking at him, and she holds her necklace tightly and messes with it. She thought he would've been mad at her for stepping in like that especially when that kid held a gun at him she would've stood in front of him he probably would be pissed if she did do that.
Negan gave a deep sigh, before shaking his head, his lips forming into a smile. "Well, it was your first time, so I'm not holding it against ya. Next time, let me do the talking. Alright, Mini-me?.. But you did do good. You made some good calls back there." He reached his hand over, giving her a couple of pats on the shoulder in a congratulatory manner. Even though she did overstep, he was still proud of the calls she made. He was pondering if he should make her one of his lieutenants. Sure, she had only been there a day, but she already showed she could handle herself well. When she spoke of Daryl, his thoughts were pushed aside. "Well, you can't exactly blame me. He helped kill my people in their sleep and blew up twenty more of my guys with an RPG." He responded, before releasing a sigh soon after, taking a glance over. "But, I'm glad you two made amends."
Raven looks at him smiles, blushing, and nods. "Thank you, I'm glad you're not mad at me. I think after tonight I'm going to have some time to myself think back to the past and reflect I didn't know if he was going to forgive me or not it was hard for me to see him like that." She says as she looks down and then out the window she messes with her necklace. "I'm sure you have things to do tonight, so maybe tomorrow night we can hang out unless you're busy all day tomorrow?" She questions as she glances over at him as they drive down the road. She knows he has leadership things and maybe spends time with his wives she felt flattered that he would protect her from this group. Hopefully, they don't do shit overnight after what happened today.
When Negan heard what she said about seeing Daryl again, he gave a nod. Even he thought things weren't going to go as well as they had. "Yeah, he started screaming like a damn banshee. Just when I thought his voice couldn't get more annoying." He joked. He felt bad for what he had done to Daryl. Had he known about him being Raven's childhood friend, then he would have taken a different approach, but it was too late to go back now. Negan stared out the windshield, his fingers tapping a little on the steering wheel as they sat in silence for a moment. When Raven spoke again, a smile appeared on his face. "Well, I think I can clear my schedule. Tomorrow night, then. It's a date." He joked, his brown eyes taking a glance over to her, before looking back onto the road ahead.
Raven looks at him after he says it's a date she blushes and playful pushes him after he jokes about Daryl. "Hey, be nice bout Daryl he's still my best friend." She says softly as she looks out the window she blushes about him saying it's a date but her heart hurts knowing he's joking and it's not a date. She holds her necklace as she leans her head back on the headrest sighs, and keeps looking out the window. She felt like she couldn't deal with not saying her feelings, but there was no point in telling him, knowing he would never see her in that way. She glances down at her tattoo that they got together and thinks about what she would do if she were rejected for her feelings.
Negan smirked upon the shove, before giving an amused scoff as she defended Daryl after his teasing. "'Best friend.' Well, if that's the case, what am I then? Chopped liver?" He joked. Their successful run had allowed him to relax enough to where he could joke around and be in a playful mood. He was acting a little bit like his old self, but the megalomania he had adapted to was still there. After a second, he took a glance over, noticing she was deep in thought. He was a little curious about why she was so quiet, but a creeping suspicion had crossed his mind. "So, what are you thinking so hard on over there? Something you want to tell me?" He asked
Raven glances over at him and shakes her head with a slight smile as she looks back out the window as she touches the tattoo on her inner arm she tears up a bit but has her face hidden by Negan. "Just think bout the old days you know when we will be together at your house with... Lucille.... I love how you are like yourself again, at least around me, Negan. I want that to be an everyday thing. You don't have to like that towards me around your people, but you know what I mean..." she says as she looks down, blushing and looking away out the window again, not saying the full truth.
Negan's expression lightened as she mentioned the past. He would do anything to go back to those days. No walkers, no fighting to the death over food, just coaching high schoolers and joking around with Lucille and Raven without a worry in the world. It hurt hoping for something he knew he couldn't have, but maybe he could indulge himself in relaxing around her. A little blast from the past. Although, he still viewed his old self as being weak, both mentally and physically. If he got too used to his old ways, then he feared he might grow soft. However, he had figured that he could be careful about it. Any signs that he might be showing weakness, then he'd cut it out and go right back to his bravado whether he was around Raven or not. Finally, Negan gave a nod. "Alright, deal.. But that wasn't what I was talking about. I think I remember you said you were going to tell me about your nightmares."
Raven glances over at him and nods "Right I forgot, well, do you want to know what all my nightmares were bout all through my life or just the recent ones? I've had nightmares all my life with the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological abuse that was put on me by my father and my ex-boyfriend. Daryl knew bout them, too. He helped me a few times. He even saved my life multiple times when I tried to kill myself, or my father tried to kill me, leaving me there to die." She says, looking out the window, not even looking at him. She felt like he meant all her nightmares, but the most important ones are the ones that have happened recently are bout him. The ones from her past were bout her father and ex killing her.
Negan's smile faded a little as he listened to her list all the ways that she had been traumatized. Needless to say, he was in shock as to how she was still kicking. Especially when times are like this, as well. Of course, he was thankful that she was still here with him. He wouldn't know what to do without her spitfire attitude or her caring nature. Eventually, he was pulled from his thoughts before concluding. "All of it, but that's only if you're willing to. I don't wanna make anything resurface for the sake of curiosity."
Raven shakes her head and looks at him "No no it's fine, Negan. I think talking bout them will help me, but it's a lot just to warn you.... when I was kid, when the abuse started, I had dreams of my father killing me or his "friends." I wasn't just abused or raped by my father his friends also did the same to me.... then once I became a preteen and or teenager I started dreaming bout killing myself multiple times more painful than last and seeing Daryl die at his father hands and I couldn't save him and he couldn't save me..... the most recent nightmares I have are we dying alone surrounded by walkers being eaten alive nobody to save me... I also saw you..... being eaten by walkers, and I couldn't get to you to save me... I also dreamt of us reuniting, and it turned into a horror... I was bit and you couldn't put me down. I was a walker and I begged to kill me...." she says softly, looking down at the tattoos on her wrist and the tattoo on her forearm that she got with Negan.
Negan's face dropped as he listened to her speak about it all, his megalomania melting away entirely for a little while. He knew it was going to be bad, but he hadn't imagined it would be that bad. The poor girl had been through so much, and yet, she continued. If he wasn't driving at that very moment, then he would have reached over and pulled her into an embrace. He doubted he'd be able to let her go for hours, but any hugs would have to wait until after they returned to the Sanctuary. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.." He muttered out, unsure of what exactly to say. He wanted to offer words of comfort, but he was so dumbfounded that he was at a loss for words. Upon hearing of the dream of him being unable to kill her, a sigh escaped his lips. If she ever were to get bit, then that dream would more than likely become a reality. He couldn't kill Lucille when she turned, and he knew for certain that he would face the same difficulty if it were Raven.
Raven shakes her head as she has tears run down her cheeks as she puts up her hood. "It's okay, Negan. I had to let that out, and I needed that. I know that's hard to hear, and it's hard on what to say. I know you would do anything to protect me and save me from anything. I.... umm.... never said anything a lot about my childhood and how bad the abuse was and how it affected me. I.. want to um go to my room when we get back." She says softly as she glances over at him, and gives him a slight smile. She felt so much love for him at that moment she could feel her heart beating There was so much going through her mind so many things she needed to have time to herself and maybe get some air and look up at the stars tonight.
The information still felt like a stab in the gut. He cared about her so much and wanted to do all he could to protect her, and hearing about all of that coming from a time when he couldn't help her hurt him so much. Especially, when what she had gone through was so bad that he wouldn't have wished it upon his worst enemy. Negan took a glance over to her, before putting his attention back onto the road, giving a small nod. "Alright. Spend as much time as you need. And if any of the assholes want to give you shit for not working, tell them to find me in my office." He wanted her to have time to herself and do whatever she needed for her mental health. In the apocalypse, you hardly ever got the chance to do such, but with such a large community like The Sanctuary, it was more possible.
Raven looks at him and smiles and nods. "I mean, technically, I did do work today by helping you with Rick. I noticed he was also giving me a dirty look like he gives you when you're not looking. I hope what I have said doesn't come back to bite me, and they come after me too." She says as she looks back out the window. She is just ready to relax and change out of her clothes. She was worried now that she was with Negan and everything that happened at Alexandria today she will be on their list of people to deal with other than Negan. She wasn't sure what would happen next between the Saviors and Alexandria and other communities, but the one thing she was hoping for Daryl would escape and be okay.
Negan nodded a bit, his lips forming into a smirk. "True, you did. I know, he always looks like someone just took a shit in his scrambled eggs, but you should be fine. If he ever does come for someone, it'll be me. The big guy in charge. Not you." He reassured her. Of course, he couldn't be certain about that. No one could, especially when it came to a guy like Rick. It was more a hopeful statement than one of certainty. Negan hoped that Rick would have good sportsmanship if it ever came down to a war, but upon what he had already seen from him, he had his doubts.
Raven nods as she looks out the window as they finally get to the Sanctuary they pull up to the gate and they park she looks over at Negan kisses his cheek and smiles "I'll see you tomorrow Negan." She says as she grabs her stuff gets out of the car and walks inside. She immediately walks towards her room she gets stared at by everyone she walks past glances around at all of them, and then she gets to her room closes the door, and sighs. She went ahead and took her shower and changed into comfortable clothes. Once she finished getting dressed, she lay on her bed, looking up at the ceiling, thinking bout the conversation they had in the truck. She is going to go outside and enjoy the starry night sky later.
Negan parked the truck once they arrived, his muscles relaxing as he gazed out at the familiar surroundings of the Sanctuary. Upon the kiss, Negan smiled before putting his attention on her instead. "Until then, Miss Rose." He watched as she left before he grabbed onto Lucille and made his exit as well. Once all of the trucks were parked up, the Saviors swarmed over to begin unloading and sorting their supplies out. An hour later, once they were all finished, they gathered back into the building to do their jobs, with Negan going into his office like he had said he would. It wasn't until dusk that he was able to finally leave due to the length of the meeting that was held. He hadn't expected it to take so long, but it was better to have a long meeting than to have it divided into two days. After running a brief patrol around the whole building to check on things, he was finally able to trudge up the stairs and go into his bedroom. He took a shower, before putting on a light grey tank top and some sweatpants. He didn't go shirtless this time, just in case he had to run and check up on Raven like he had the night before. He lay down on the mattress, his eyes staring up at the ceiling above as he thought back on what happened. He hadn't expected it to go so well, but he must have made a good first impression that night. Hopefully, Rick will continue such work and not cause problems. However, he was a little concerned as he thought back on how much Rick was staring at Raven, but he pushed his fear aside. He was probably just staring because Raven would jump ahead and do Negan's job. Either that or because she was the one who suggested taking their guns. Negan brushed away his thoughts, before rolling over onto his side, wrapping his arm around Sherry, who had been lying there and pretending to be asleep.
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Connor Hammond, Idaho inmate 134046, born 1997, incarceration intake in 2019, age 22, scheduled release on 02/24/2029
Leud and Lascivious Conduct with a Minor under 16, Rape - Victim aged 16 or 17 with defendant 3 or more years older than victim
A former Brigham Young University student faces up to a decade in prison for the rape and lewd conduct of a 14-year-old girl he met on Tinder.
Connor Hammond and his attorneys Kristopher Meek and Dan Dummar met before Seventh District Court Judge Steven Boyce. There, Hammond pled guilty to one charge of rape and two counts of lewd conduct with a child under 16 in exchange for the state dropping three other counts of lewd conduct.
Boyce sentenced Hammond to four years determinant and six years indeterminate for the rape charge. The Judge gave the same sentence for the two lewd conduct charges ordering those to run consecutively with the rape sentencing. Boyce gave Hammond credit for the six months and 15 days that he spent in the Madison County Jail.
Hammond’s parents spoke prior to the sentencing and reported sthey had a counselor lined up to help him, another 12-step program for him to attend and a job he could work at while serving probation at home in Oregon.
Connor Hammond’s Rexburg Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints bishop also spoke highly of Hammond. Numerous letters in support of Hammond from friends and Latter-day Saints missionary friends in Australia were presented to Boyce.
Madison County Prosecutor Rob Wood reported that the victim initially told Hammond that she was 18, but later admitted she was 14. The victim also told him her dad was deployed with the Army. Such information gave Hammond the opportunity to manipulate the vulnerable girl, Wood said.
Wood reported that Hammond had fondled the breast of a 17-year-old Oregon girl earlier this year. He also stated that while Hammond was in Australia and under constant supervision, he had five sexual encounters where he fondled a girl’s breast. Hammond had also failed a polygraph test where he lied about other sexual incidents.
Hammond told investigators that he never forced the girl to have sex and told them she convinced him to visit her home, Wood said.
“That’s true. We understand a 14-year-old is confused and is acting out. Both agreed (sex) happened, but they have different stories. No one other than Mr. Hammond knows exactly what happened,” Wood said.
Wood reported that Hammond told investigators that he felt pressure to get married following his Church mission.
“It’s mind boggling any 21-year-old BYU-Idaho student would settle down with a 14-year-old girl and have a family,” he said.
Wood also noted news reports where Hammond texted BYU-Idaho students telling them he had an impression to type their names into Facebook and hoped to meet them.
“He was preying on religious vulnerability and naivety at the same time,” he said.
Wood told Boyce that Hammond had proven he couldn’t be trusted and any kind of probation or a one-year rider would show the community that child rape wasn’t taken seriously. Wood also asked Boyce to sentence Hammond to at least six years in prison and to pay a $5,000 civil fine.
Meek spoke and reminded the Judge that Hammond had no previous criminal record, and that he had graduated from a 12-step program while held at the Madison County Jail.
“The retrospective of anyone’s life is that they’re not weighed wholly on the bad decisions they make. Connor Hammond certainly made some poor decisions. Those poor decisions shouldn’t be the only things that this court looks at in examining his sentencing today,” he said.
Meek noted that Hammond was “looking for love in all the wrong places. That could not be any more true than it was at the time this incident took place. He tried to find love with other adult partners. He needs someone to rely on in order to feel loved and cared for.”
Meek reminded the Judge that Hammond’s victim lied about her age, but agreed that Hammond should have ended the relationship when she admitted her age.
“He wanted to be in a relationship. She asked if they could be boyfriend and girlfriend — perfectly playing into his psychological issue. He recognizes now that he needed her, but he should have been smart enough to end it,” he said.
Meek reported that Hammond admits that what he did was wrong and that he has an addiction to pornography that he’s sought treatment for.
“Those are not the statements of an individual who believes ‘I didn’t do anything wrong.’ ‘It wasn’t me.’ ‘It’s all her fault.’ Rather, it’s somebody taking ownership for what he’s done,” Meek said.
Meek reports that Hammond has written an apology letter to his victim, but the letter has not been sent because of a no contact order in place between the two.
Hammond also spoke and apologized to the victim, the victim’s family, his family, the community and BYU-Idaho.
“I know I’ll have a lot of hurtful words thrown at me. I know I’m strong enough to get through this with support from my family. I know I need a lot of help. I’m willing to get that help. I just want to have friends that I’ve known for a long time,” he said.
The Judge noted how complex the case was, and that the state and the defense had suggested vastly different punishments.
“This occurred in Mr. Hammond’s car that got stuck in the snow bank. A 14-year-old girl was in the car. The officer had some suspicions about what was going on,” he said.
Police reports stated that officers found the pair on February 26 at Beaver Dick Park where Hammond admitted to having sex with the girl.
The Judge expressed concerns that Hammond failed to pass the polygraph test and had previous sexual contact with other underage girls.
Boyce was adamant that Hammond’s victim shouldn’t be blamed for what happened.
“There was a comment made in sentencing that ‘What’s causing her to invite men into her home?’ Men don’t go into minor children’s home for these types of activities which have been stated inappropriately as a relationship,” he said. “It’s far beyond that. It’s an illegal relationship. It’s against the law. It’s rape. It’s lewd conduct with a child und 16.”
The Judge pointed out the damage done to the victim and her family.
“The victim is going to take some time to get through this,” he said.
Boyce extended the no contact order between Hammond and his victim. He also ordered that Hammond register as a sex offender.
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Sunshine Chapter 46
Pairings: Zemo x You Bucky x You
Summary: Falling in love with a villain. This will start sweet and then go very dark.
Tags: Explicit. Mature. Not for minors. Dark. Angst. Knife play. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Self Harm . Vomiting. Nightmares. Sleepwalking. Torture. Smut. Broken Bones. Blood. Injury. Violence. Rough Sex. Rape. Kidnapping. Spanking. Unhealthy Relationships. Mental Health Issues. Anal Sex. Orgasm Delay. Fear. Blow Jobs. Sexual Violence. Suicide Attempt. Reference To Domestic Violence. Sleepwalking. Memory Loss. Gen Violence. Threats. Manipulation. Manipulative Relationship. Murder. Death. Loss Of Parents. Implied Alcohol Abuse. Threats Of Rape. Non Consensual Drug Use. Emotional Manipulation. Gaslighting.
Warnings fr this chapter: Threats
You held yourself back in the days Zemo was gone. Scott kept Rebecca entertained with various magic tricks, she loved every one. Asking if he had any other magic friends, she would have loved Victor, but he didn’t appear, but then Zemo wasn’t here. On the last night Hope told you that you didn’t have to take the sleeping tablets, she didn’t know Zemo like you did. He would know if you didn’t and someone would be punished and you weren't about to let that be her or Scott, they gave up their time to look after you and Rebecca, were endlessly kind when you had held them in the grips of your power. Didn’t flinch away, even gave Zemo a quinjet key chain, which you suspected wasn't just a key chain. Hope was so worried when you woke up screaming she ordered Scott out of your room, just because he was male, they had been told what happened or at least had some idea. The shame burned within you, you were not frightened of men, just one really, the one you lived with, the one you were married to, the one there would never be any escape from again.
“You know we lost each other for a while, maybe someone is out there looking for you.” Scott said lovingly holding Hope's hand over a steaming cup of chamomile tea. Your face etched with disdain, you could comment that it was an odd thing to say, it really was, Scott still had optimism, after everything that had happened, after how he had been treated, by his own government. Even after he saved the world, There was only one person looking for you and you walked straight back into his house.
“No, there isn’t, we would have found them by now.” Hope added as she kicked Scott under the table. On some level she knew, she knew that this was a prison, hell you could even say it and they couldn't take you away. She rolled her eyes at the buzzing of her phone, Zemo checking in again, which felt like an alarm going off at five minute intervals. Zemo couldn't exactly refuse any mission because of his own pardon, couldn't claim he had you to take care of, he had to pretend that everything was just as fine as you did, especially as he finished the job you and Maria started, you no longer existed, Zemo took it all.
–
Waking up to an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, you knew Zemo was back, that had to be it. Zemo was back, he had to be, that or something worse, not that you could discount that, there always seemed to be something worse. You were so cynical now, you could just lay in bed forever until the day you didn’t wake up again, get the freedom Victor longed to give you. The sleeping tablets took you under, but they didn't keep you asleep, today they had, at least you hadn't spent half the night pacing your room. Grunting you knew that Zemo would drag you out of bed if he had to and you knew it would take very little for him to feel like he had to. Huffing at yourself, you couldn’t exactly complain, you wanted this, you willingly came here, you coerced, planned, even threatened Maria. Swinging your legs over the bed, you took what you hoped would be a calming breath, placing your hand on the edge of the bed to push yourself up, you stared at the alarmingly familiar black bracelet. Hell no. Prying it with your fingers, clawing at it with your nails, there was only one difference, this wasn’t the one you wore at the raft, this was vibranium, indestructible. This was originally designed to shock you at any moment. Zemo couldn't expect you to wear this, lying to yourself again that he couldn’t make you, when you both knew he could. Would he really be so cruel as to shock you, to have the fear of having bolts of electricity move through your body at any given moment?
“I’m not wearing this.” You told Zemo, finding him walking to the kitchen with an increasingly happy Rebecca.
“Strange, it looks to me as if you are wearing it right now.”
Fuck you.
Fuck no there was no way, you needed Maria, you needed Shuri, you needed to get this torture device off your body immediately, well Zemo removed anything that could even be considered a weapon a while ago, you hadn't seen his sword for ages. You wondered how strong the doors were, if you would have time to smash the door enough times to get the job done, somehow Hydra had done you a favour, you knew what it felt like to lose a limb.
I’ll cut my arm off.
A hand clamped around your forearm like a vice, as Rebecca entered the kitchen you were pulled back and slammed into the hallway wall. Zemo pressed himself firmly against you. You swung your head and Rebecca was in her own little world. Zemo was so close you felt his nose graze your cheek as he whispered into the shell of your ear. “That thought is never to cross your pretty little mind again, do you understand?”
“You're hurting me.” Your lip quivered, heart drumming in your ears, muscles straining as your skin crawled.
“If I find so much as a scratch from any ill attempt to remove this, you will find yourself handcuffed to my person permanently, then you will discover what real pain is.” Zemo promised with a voice devoid of all emotion while you frantically shook your head. Zemo gently lifted your chin with his other hand, heat and fury radiating from him and you whimpered, barely able to hold yourself up, you relented and looked at him. His eyes bore into you unashamed, that darkness ,that fire was there but there was something else, his eyes burned you. Did he even care? After all the pain he had caused? Trembling in his arms you hoped he hadn't seen the scratches already around the watch.
“I’m sorry.” you gasped out. That seemed to disgust Zemo he released his hold and stepped into the kitchen, you slid down the wall, more like fell, placing your hands into the plush carpet in an attempt to ground yourself, to not cave to the impending panic attack, desperately trying to regulate your breathing a hand appeared over your own. Victor. You clung onto him as if he were the only hope you had. Rebecca called out to you and you retched, you had to endure this. You wanted this, you just didn’t think he would be so callous with Rebecca so close.
“You can survive anything Sweetheart.” Victor reminded you. Rubbing your hand over your face you stood, still weak at the knees, plastered a smile on your face and entered the kitchen, hearing Victor on your trail.
“I can count to ten!” Rebecca exclaimed, with one little finger she pointed in the air as she counted off, you forced your smile to get bigger for her.
“You know Rebecca, you have ten fingers, as do I. You should check to see if Sunshine does.” Zemo smirked at you. You fucking asshole. He brought Rebecca into this, made her part of your little spat. She would now remember you had ten fingers. You held them out and your head high as she counted them off. Just for a moment you imagined she was counting up the moment you exploded, that you grabbed the nearest object and repeatedly smash it into Zemo’s face.
“I wish you would.” Victor sang which caused a genuine smile to peep through, his commentary wasn’t exactly child friendly. “You could always say it was an accident.” A laugh almost escaped through your lips, which was only fuelled by the confusion on Zemo’s face.
Another pointless driving lesson, at least Victor was sitting in the back, huffing and tutting at the pretence that you couldn’t drive, or pilot or a jet, or that you were this clueless. Zemo reeled off his stupid instructions. You didn't even know why Zemo agreed to teach you to drive, it wasn't like you were going anywhere. With Rebecca on your lap, driving very slowly around the trees, you gently hit the brakes when a squirrel ran across your path. Rebecca planted her feet on your thighs and hands on the wheel, enamoured by the little furry thing. Watching it, brushing its face with its tiny little paws you were in awe of her sparkling eyes, how its fluffy little tail could bring such joy into her heart, he ran off and she moved her face closer to yours with a big grin, a moment shared between you both.
Zemo captured it on his phone, he played the video for you and you would cherish it forever, the intimacy of it, you both so happy, the sun shining on both of you, so serene, almost as if you were glowing, that joy was lost when you watched Zemo send that video to Maria with a triumphant expression. He had you dead to rights, you were both playing an elaborate game of chess. Sure, you could blow the whole board off the map, but you both knew you wouldn't. He had solid evidence that you were thriving, happy, safe, just as he did before.
“Kill him.” Victor commanded, feeding into your darker desires. And so you opened the car door, gently lifted Rebecca out, made sure she was steady on her feet and hit the gas, laughing maniacally into the air as you sought your revenge, hurtling towards a tree, angling the car to make sure Zemo would die on impact. If only. If only you had the courage, if only Victor were really here, if only you could open the car without Zemo, you couldn't cause Rebecca that much pain, you would live on, whatever that meant, as long as she was happy.
“Driving requires two hands Rebecca, isn’t that right Sunshine?” Zemo cooed.
“Yes, it does. You have two hands just like dad and me.” You agreed with Zemo feeling the burn of Victor’s gaze on you and the start of his chuckle as you continued allowing malice to slip into your voice. “Uncle Bucky has two hands, doesn’t he?” You smiled sardonically at Zemo knowing you left him stumped, what was he going to do? Deny it? Say Bucky was defective in some way and by extension you? That you weren't whole as a person? You hummed to yourself satisfied at the blood curdling laugh you elicited from Victor.
“He is insufferable.” Victor scorned.
-
Victor gave you ideas, plenty of ideas, kick Zemo down the stairs, push his head into the boiling soup he made for dinner, hold his head under Rebecca’s bath, all of which formed an incredible and vivid visual in your mind. The darkness was always there and now the person who taught you how to harness it was with you, encouraging you to act on it, painting a picture of every scenario. That was Victor's solution, to stay safe he argued you had to eliminate Zemo. You asked him how you would get supplies, money, how you were supposed to provide for Rebecca in a prison you couldn't leave, he had his magic, he had his intellect, you didn’t have those things. He would have this bracelet off in five seconds flat, break down whatever shield there was preventing your escape. A knock came on your door after Rebecca went to bed, no doubt Zemo and his shitty pills, opening the door you held out your hand, just get it over with to see Zemo’s sleeves rolled up and a matching thick black bracelet, but why would he wear one? This wasn’t the raft he didn’t need to. You believed the guards only wore them so the chain could form in between. THE CHAIN! Your mind screamed as Zemo’s bracelet touched yours and a black chain appeared in between them. You stared at it in horror, what the sordid implications of this little chain meant. Zemo would be by your side for every waking moment, every sleeping moment, he would be in your bed, how would you use the toilet? How would you shower? Dress? Bile rose up your throat and you had to force it back down, frozen on the spot, you had no idea what to do.
Before you could form any sort of response, Zemo pulled on his handcuff causing you to spin, lifting his arm over you, he grasped your waist ruthlessly and pulled you back into him. Victor help me, help please. Zemo kicked your legs out and as you screamed his hand covered your mouth. You knew what this meant, knew how your body would be violated, every hot breath of his that tickled your cheek, felt like an unwanted touch. Zemo fumbled in his pocket and you screamed louder, flailing against him, trying to get him away from you, you muscles contracted on memory. Zemo held his hand up in front of you with those wretched pills. Did he expect you to take them from his hand like a dog? You nodded your head, you would rather be under for this, when he tipped those pills into your mouth, you felt how much you hated him, with every fibre of your being. You hated him, hated Wanda for digging you out, hated Maria for bringing you back, she was not your guardian angel, she dragged you back to hell, you could have been free from this, free from the endless cycle of pain. Free from feeling your heart shatter over and over.
I made the wrong choice.
Once again you had been presented with a choice and instead of killing Zemo which he rightly deserved, you killed Victor. You choose Zemo again. Metal fingertips grazed yours, urging you to try, to see if your powers worked. Even though you knew how to get out of this Victor trained you specifically to, to fight Zemo. You couldn't, you wouldn't fight Zemo. Victor rested his forehead against yours and you wanted to feel relief from the strong arms wrapped around you, the hands clutching your waist, the hands that Victor swore to remove if they touched you again.
“This isn’t real.” Victor lied echoing the words you said to him in Hydra’s box, cupping your face with his hands and kind eyes.
You're not real.
Snivelling at your situation Victor lied again.“Precisely Sweetheart. I’m dead, I can’t be here, so you can’t either. It's not real, just close your eyes, it will all be over soon.”
Lying to yourself again, telling yourself that this would be the last time. This isn't real.
–
“Shhhhhh Sunshine, I’m here, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Zemo’s voice broke, soothing you again as your body jerked in his arms. Zemo sobbed into the crook of your neck, he had lost you again. He failed. Failing as he always had, he couldn't save you. You always believed in him. Your pain was indelible as was his. He did not have the heart, the compassion, the patience required, you needed someone like yourself. And there was no one quite like that, no one that could make the sun burst out of them, no one, just you. He wanted to cure your frail body, patch up your heart, slay every demon, heal every wound, wipe your tears, hold your hand as you screamed. How to take it all back? How to fix your broken heart? How to undo it all? He desecrated you and destroyed you. All of your suffering, it was all him. And you were still paying the price. He would dedicate his life to you, even if you continuously rejected him he would remain at your side forever.
He wondered who was more of a shell. Whose gaping wound that would never heal hurt the most, how much longer could he endure not being able to hold you? How much more he could repress? How much more torment he could take? How this felt like death by a thousand cuts. The conversations with himself, the back and forth and for what? What would it change now. You hated him. There wasn't a single space in his heart that didn't still love you. He wanted you to turn on him, make him suffer as you had.
He was not perturbed by the shuffling of feet in his house. New guests had arrived, perhaps they could coax a smile out of you, penetrate the towering walls you had built. Perhaps the old faces would make everything stop, if only Oeznik were here. He imagined if Oeznik were here, he wouldn’t be, he would have shot him dead the moment you were discovered. Oh how he wished he died in Sokovia, then you would be free. You had grown to detest yourself, believing you could only bring pain. You even rejected his smiles. Rebecca seemed to pain you also, he understood why, he wanted to covet her innocence, he just couldn't bring himself to force her to see the realities of the world.
“What the hell Zemo.” Bucky hissed, entering the room, lying to Sarah about checking in with General Ross, no doubt hearing two heartbeats behind this door.
“Don’t take her from me, please James.” Zemo begged, pulling you back. “She threatened to dismember herself. She does not sleep James, her mind is haunting her, automatically assuming the worst, she cannot, shhhhhhh-” He sputtered out, stroking his thumb across your knuckles, lulling you back to sleep again, bringing you closer to him, so James couldn’t snatch you away. “I regret the day she ever met us.”
“Yeah,” Bucky replied softly, helplessly looking on. You would have been terrified, but Zemo was so broken, no one saw how desperate he had been all these years, how he barely slept, how every moment was hollow, the despair he had looking for you, no one had seen the regret that taunted him. There wasn't anything Zemo wouldn't do for you, how he would do anything to make you right again. How you still had all of Zemo, how your face haunted Zemo’s dreams.
“It feels as if she is dying.” Zemo admitted. Watching your own mind poison you, steal away your peace, steal away your soul. Watching you yearn for the man who sold you to Hydra. You were growing weaker and weaker by the day, refusing food, refusing sleep, refusing everything. But your thoughts, they were the darkest they had ever been and he just had to sit and watch you torture yourself. You wouldn't survive this. If Zemo could keep you asleep like this forever, safe in his arms, so at peace, he would.
“She shouldn’t have saved us.”
“That wasn’t intentional, she knew we would have prevented her, she needed us out of her way.” Zemo knew he would never have agreed to your sacrifice, he would have handed over the world and never given it a second thought. Bucky pulled the sheets from the bed and draped them over you, he sat for hours watching Zemo calm your unconscious form, somewhere in there, you knew Zemo would protect you. That wouldn’t matter now, Zemo handcuffed you to him, it was over, you would never trust either of them again. He remembered that, hiding in Bucharest, knowing he could only trust one man he couldn't quite remember, Steve. You didn't have anyone like that, not anymore. Then after Wakanda, you came along, trusted him implicitly, saw the good in everyone including him, he was only with Sarah now because a part of him, that he could have lived with, was somewhere in your mind. Not that he or Zemo were letting you go anywhere, they made a pact it would be different this time. As he watched Zemo’s tears fall onto your body, he wasn’t sure it could ever be, if he thought Zemo was over protective before, that was nothing compared to now. If this was Sarah, he would hold her and never let go. “Just a while longer James.”
–
Having no time to compose yourself hearing the rush at your door, burst open and before you could focus you were bundled by two very excited boys. AJ and Cass, the ones who felt your presence. You wanted to hug them forever.
That was short lived when Sarah rushed in pulling them off. “What did I say!” She scolded them. She held her hand out to you. You ignored her and pushed yourself back up, pulling on your sleeve to fully cover the watch still firmly wrapped around your wrist, which almost felt like Hydra's hand clamps, you stretched your fingers out, just to check that you could and Sarah’s face dropped. You forgot, forgot for a moment that now you were something to be feared, especially around her children. You would never get used to that. “I’m Sarah, I- erm, I-” She stumbled over her words, no doubt because this was an odd introduction, she knew you, you could see the disbelief on her face, that she was looking at someone she grieved for, someone who wasn’t supposed to be here, well you agreed more and more with that with each passing day.
“MEOOOOOWWWW!”
Alpine?
You looked down at your feet to a graceful white cat meowing from what you recall for the first time. She tilted her cute little head at you, you crouched down and she didn't turn on you, swishing her tail with an air of importance, she pounced into your arms, nuzzling into your chest with loud purrs. Well at least someone was pleased to see you. Running your fingers through her soft fur, you took solace in the fact that someone even if it were an animal who knew you from the past just accepted you the way you were.
“Bucky promised pancakes, let’s go.” AJ grabbed your hand and started to drag you out of the room. Bucky was here, just great, fucking perfect. Sarah started on AJ again telling him that he had just met you and he shouldn't be dragging you around, you assured her it was fine and walking behind them, you couldn't quite believe how big they had both gotten. AJ was as tall as Sam now and Cass wasn't far behind, you missed so much. You rolled your shoulders in an attempt to shake off the disgust you felt as you entered the dining room, put on that default smile that was more you showing your teeth. Rebecca was already happily chomping down and the boys soon followed. You snuggled into Alpine, taking the smallest sip of water, forgoing any food. You used to squirm under Zemos intense gaze but now, he could go fuck himself, Bucky too with his staring. Bucky hadn't even greeted you, he just watched your every move. Was he pissed you had Alpine? He took the fucking cat from you too. As soon as Rebecca shuffled down to leave the table, you stood, wanting to be as far away from adults as you could.
“Would it be agreeable to you to eat something more substantial?” Zemo whispered. Eat something more substantial? You didn’t have much of an appetite, the thought of putting a forkful of food that either of them prepared made you retch, you couldn't stop it, covering your hand with your mouth. Zemo looked stunned and you gulped, ready to mumble another apology.
“Don’t apologise. Are you unwell?”
You shook your head, Zemo gave you a look of sadness, he glanced at Bucky, who had his ear prominently in your direction and you wished you could silence your heart. Rebecca impatiently tugged on Zemo’s arm, you could see he wanted to say more, momentarily you allowed every emotion to show on your face. Fuck you, you fucking sadist. Zemo nodded as if to accept your words and everyone filed out of the room. That thing Rebecca was so impatient for, that she was scared she would miss, the rain. The fucking rain. You announced that you didn't like the rain and stayed in with Alpine, as if she would ever allow water to taint her delicate fur. Holding her, sleeping in your arms, as Bucky and Zemo watched you through the window. Declining the coffee Sarah offered you as she stood next to you, you were impressed you didn't blurt out that you weren’t allowed coffee, or baths, or your own thoughts, or to go outside, or to breathe air without Zemo’s say so. The rain caused Rebecca’s hair to stick to her face but that didn’t stop her ever so happy laughs, splashing in every forming puddle, she climbed up Bucky’s arm and he lifted her up into the air so she could be closer to the rainfall.
“Rebecca is the real magic Sweetheart, not me.” Victor said from your other side, with a dreamy tone.
She is naive.
Victor lingered with you all day, silently by your side like a bodyguard. When everyone returned from the outside, all the children wrapped in huge white towels, Zemo handed you the phone he gave you, which you didn't carry with you, as he was monitoring it. You looked at him with wary eyes, what could he have done to it? He scrolled through a few times to reveal your old playlist, he put your music onto it. Something that was yours, just yours, all of your music about pain, how could you have ever been so blind? What even was this? An apology of some kind? Still you quietly mumbled a thank you. Making an active effort to avoid both Zemo and Bucky you stayed quiet and trailed along after Rebecca all day, who was slightly jilted that the rain had stopped. Alpine wandered off when it came to dinner and as you knew, you would be told once again you couldn’t help you waited in the dining room. Watching AJ and Cass pander to whatever Rebecca wanted to do, they also showed you where some snacks were hidden and as they ate them, so did you. You slid AJ’s tablet over, careful not to search anything you opened the news. Scrolling past every awful thing going on in the world because that all could have stopped had you not killed Victor. Which he took great satisfaction in pointing out as he tutted and huffed at everything you read, making his snide little comments.
“Look at this,” You gratefully took another nut that he cracked with his metal hand. “This college kid has found a way to clear oceans and he has got funding, can you imagine all of the plastic gone? It doesn't disturb the habitat either, this is great,” You said animatedly, taking another nut. “Finally a way to clear all the damage humanity has done, this could start healing the world, you-” You lifted your head to look into Victor’s emerald eyes only to be met with blue ones. The air tore itself from your lungs, looking at the pile of nut shells underneath Bucky’s hand and a walnut in his palm. You got so distracted you thought it was Victor, damn that metal hand and by the look on Bucky’s face he figured it out, you thought he was Victor. Pushing the chair out to run, to get away, your foot caught the leg on the chair and you crashed straight down onto the hardwood floor. A hand came into your vision, coupled with the black from the fall, you turned away only to smack your face straight back into the chair. Stop it, stop it, STOP!. You felt the ghost of a touch linger on your back and shrieked, turning again, your hand slipping on the blood dripping from your nose, blindly crawling straight into the edge of the table.
The table flew into the air followed by a sickening crunch, porcelain shattering, shards of glass slicing, setting your nerves alight. Hands gripped your upper arms to stop you moving. Splinters of wood littered down as the arms shook you to stop your head jerking in every direction trying to assess where the threat was.
“You're hurting yourself, look at me!”
Sam? Sam moved his hands to gently place them at the side of your head, instinctively your hands grabbed his wrists. He was breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth, nodding, wanting you mimic him. You didn't even notice him arrive, you gripped him warm wrists, shaking, seeing little flakes of sawdust rest on the hairs of his arms. You ruined dinner, now you had a moment you could smell the tomato sauce that was now painting the ceiling. Catching Zemo out of the corner of your eye, who was looking at you with concern as Rebecca marvelled at Bucky’s strength. Bucky had both boys at either side, no doubt making sure the remnants of the large table didn’t injure them. Sarah looked terrified, hands over her mouth, trembling as much as you were. Zemo handed Rebecca to her and she told the boys to follow. You shouldn't have come back, you couldn’t do this, everyday was proving that. What if you used your powers?
“What did I do?” You whispered to yourself.
“Nothing.” Zemo left no room for argument, careful to stay back. “James startled you, it’s not your fault.”
Yes it is.
–
Sam helped you clean up, somehow you did not break your nose. You had bit your tongue and Victor said you would have black eyes by the morning. You stayed in your room, waiting for Zemo to come along with his shitty pills but he didn't. Sam knocked on your door, you pretended to be asleep. Your head felt tight, crushed by the never ending thoughts and the persistent screaming. You had several texts from Maria having missed her nightly text yesterday, you promised you were fine. You desperately wanted to see her, Zemo let Sam in so Maria should be no different. After the bruises went down, she couldn’t see you like this, she wouldn't believe that it was your fault either. No more distractions, just keep your back to a wall, smile and nothing else. You were offered an ice pack by Bucky who clearly waited outside your room until you decided to leave, he insisted, so much so, you quickly realised, you would be offered it continually, by everyone until you gave in. Sam tried to make conversation with you, so did Sarah, she told you all about the boys, how they were getting on with school, how she was still running her community projects and the fishing business.
“Are you ok here?” She said so quietly you barely heard her.
“Zemo is very kind to me.” You answered with a bright smile and Victor clapped you on the back in a gesture of a job well done.
<”I believe her, Doc taught her to lie.”> Bucky muttered in Russian to Zemo. <”She still has her powers, I can feel it and I know she remembers”> Bucky said with a remorseful tone.
<”We deserve it dont we? I await the day she seeks revenge on us. As far as I can tell she does not remember anything.”>
“Sweetheart, see even they believe they should die. Just a quick clench of those fingers and that’s it, please Sweetheart.” Victor implored.
Don’t encourage me.
After dinner in which you claimed you weren't hungry again. Everyone sat out on the patio, which you learned Sam built. He spent a lot of time here while you were gone, Oeznik was mentioned and you had to blink a few times, if he were alive, you could do this. Sam had more time with his nephews taken from him and this time it was because of you. Sam suggested a picture which surprised you, surely no pictures of you were allowed ever again, you went to enough trouble to erase them all.
“No Becca, you should go and sit with your m-” Sarah cut herself off, her beautiful children, gave her a look they mastered from the woman herself telling her to shut the fuck up. Bucky ran his hands down her back and you saw her lip wobble, her jaw clenched and you wanted to tell her that it was ok, you choose this, that this was a better option to keep Rebecca safe, to keep everyone safe, she turned on her heel and marched back into the house, Bucky and Sam on her tail. Seeing Zemo in your peripheral vision you positioned yourself so Rebecca was in between you, how fucked up that you had to use her as a shield. You claimed to need the bathroom, Zemo pulled some headphones from his pocket and your phone with instructions to not remove them under any circumstance.
Slowly and silently removing your shoes, you tiptoed down the hallway, Sarah was having a harder time with this lie than anyone else. Perhaps because she had a perspective no one else did, she was a mother too and you could garner from her point of view you were being robbed of motherhood. You were already robbed, stripped of everything, surely someone had explained that it was in Rebecca's best interest to not be related to you.
“She isn’t even a person anymore. Tell her that little girl is hers.” Sarah blubbered from inside the study.
“Doll, we have been over this.”
“Bucky-”
“ENOUGH! You think it will help her to remember everything Hydra did? Everything Victor did, remember what she did?” Bucky paused as if he were considering something. “Remember what we did? You call her and Zemo a beautiful runaway love? The night he took her, he brought her here, tied her up, cut into her, shot her, that's what all those scars on her arms are. Don’t look at Sam like that he knew, we all knew. You wanna go out and tell Rebecca that her precious Uncle Bucky strangled her ma to death? Fucking do it, you think we don’t all feel like shit, WE DID THIS!”
Sarah wailed so loud you were sure her heart was physically breaking, your past hurt her, she cried for it more than you had. You put your hand on the door and knew Bucky’s head would have turned to the door, slipping off the headphones with an air of confusion, you calmly walked over to Sarah who was doing a terrible job of stopping crying and wiping away her tears, you wrapped your arms around her and asked her what happened.
–
The next day the bruises had started to set in which made you look horrendous. Sarah announced they were leaving, which you knew was your fault, they were meant to stay for a lot longer, she couldn't handle it, you could barely handle it. There was so much more noise in the house, which you couldn't seem to cope with, so much so you jumped at your own shadow straight into Zemo’s waiting arms. You hated him, you knew you hated him and yet you were intrinsically drawn to him, that was the second time you sought solace in him when you thought you were in danger. You pulled away quickly rushing to the kitchen where the kids ate on the chairs and the adults stood around. Zemo couldn't take his eyes off you, full of devotion, full of dismay. Which you couldn't quite understand, your entire relationship was a lie, what was there to be devoted to? The temptation to flaunt your empty, ring less hand in his face was only spurred on by Victor, you could imagine the distaste across his face. It’s not like you unloved Zemo randomly, it came in bits and pieces, until you had built a heart he couldn't touch, if you believed you had one left.
Did he ever love me? You asked Victor half wanting him to answer the same question, Did Victor love you for you? Or because you were the image of Valeria? Did Zemo ever love you? Could he even love? He loved Rebecca so much so you could feel it, see it in every action. Was I ever happy? You asked Victor again wanting him to answer, you didn't get one, not from either of them, how you wished you could believe that your happiness wasn't all a fallacy, did you lie to yourself for every moment? That dance? The nights in the raft? The baths? The nights Zemo stayed awake with you when you couldn’t sleep? Every touch? every kiss? Was it all a lie?
It’s limerence, not love.
Victor had an answer this time. “Remind me how you got your powers again?”
–
You were sitting outside with Zemo and Rebecca, who was insisting on the daisy chain Zemo was making for her be bigger as she intended to wear it as a crown for her newly found princess status which Victor enjoyed a little too much, reminding you that had his plan come to fruition she would have ruled the world with him and he would have forged her a real crown. In between blowing on dandelions to, in her words, 'set the fairies free.’ You wondered if you could be a fairy. She haphazardly made you a bracelet and asked Zemo if you could be royalty too and you wondered if the ground could just swallow you up. The daisy chain was falling apart in your hands much like this life. Zemo held his hand out and you clutched it to your chest, yes it was stupid and the flowers would die by morning but it was yours, and you didn't have much in this world, why the fuck would he take it from you.
“You wish to preserve this, yes?” He asked gently as you nodded and he sauntered off returning with a thick and heavy dictionary, he had lined it with paper and explained the process of pressing flowers, A way to keep Rebecca’s gift forever.
“Thank you.” You told him later on as you crept into Rebecca's room as she listened intently to Zemo, you selected one of her books and wished her a goodnight. Every book you tried to smuggle away from the study disappeared, for whatever reason Zemo didn’t want you reading them, probably thought they could trigger some awful memory, in your defence you did not finish Dracula. Right on cue the knock came on the door and you held your arm out with that bracelet weighing it down and Rebecca’s book was ripped straight from your hand. How were you supposed to continue with this turbulence? Anticipate his ill temper? What could happen in a child’s book that he didn't want you to read? Backing away with your hands in the air, you wondered what you could have possibly done to antagonise him? You hadn't given Zemo any reason to be, well Zemo.
“The princess is kidnapped in this particular story.” Zemo grumbled, yet he remained where he was, outside of your room.
“It’s a kids book, she’ll get rescued right?”
“Actually the princess Belle, falls in love with her captor.” Zemo said through gritted teeth. Victor burst into laughter and you glared at him. There were children’s books promoting this shit? You picked that one of all the ones she had? Fuck Hydra for stealing your childhood, fuck Victor for laughing, fuck Zemo, Fuck all of it. Zemo’s eyes moved in Victor’s direction and you shifted your body just in case. You waited for Zemo to ask if someone was here with you, for him to threaten to kill him, to carve Victor up and serve him to you for breakfast.
“Would you like to read it?”
“Fuck No.” You blurted out, “I mean no thank you.” You quaked, Zemo opened his mouth to reply then shook his head, more at himself, he didn’t even wish you good night, he just drifted off. As soon as he did you pointed a finger in Victor’s face warning him to keep his mouth shut, you didn’t want to know anymore about beauty and the beast.
–
Over breakfast the next morning, Rebecca tugged on your hands and motioned for you to lower yourself down to her level. She kissed her hand and prodded your purple ringed eyes, she was so sweet and kind. A treasure just like Oeznik said. “Magic kisses take all the pain away.” You watched her parrot that lie, back to you as if she truly believed it with all her heart, a lie you taught her and you felt something within you slowly but surely switch off.
Everyone took little pieces and the worst part was that you let them, you sold your soul a long time ago. To endure this, to survive it, you needed to adapt, which became surprisingly easy, especially as you just stopped feeling anything. You didn't feel disgust when Zemo came knocking with those pills, stopped feeling pangs of hunger, even the fear subsided, you became numb to it, apathetic, as if you couldn’t feel anyone there, you didn't care what Zemo did and soon after you stopped finding joy in Rebecca. You tried so hard to bask in her light. How could you enjoy her happiness when her life was a lie? She was in this hell, this prison too. She was blind to it all, you couldn't exactly tell her to open her eyes. Even the glow you once believed Zemo had was diminishing, if he ever had one, it was probably just another figment of your stupidity.
Even your natural fear response to Zemo faded, whenever he would reach out and then quickly retract his hand, you felt nothing. Nothing could hurt you, but that meant nothing could make you happy either, there wasn’t any comfort here, there was just your silence, only speaking if you were directly spoken to, placidly walking head down, through the house that you once believed was paradise, you had both burned that to ruins. You didn’t even find it demoralising when Zemo served everything to you on plastic plates in bite size pieces, no humiliation, just an aching darkness. You didn’t fit in here, but did you really fit in anywhere? Weeks passed with your despondent staring, no more smiles formed on your face, they felt foreign. Waiting for something to bring you back to life. Waiting and the only thing really you expected, was the day Hydra inevitably found you.
You used to be so good at cognitive dissonance, compartmentalising it all into neat boxes, usually marked, ‘it was an accident’ now it had all turned into a swirling pit. A hyperbole, a vacuum of lies, a vortex of pain, a self perpetuating cycle of abuse. This wasn’t living, this was existing, amongst the people you saved, the ones you swore to protect, how could you feel so profoundly alone? By putting everyone else first you had taught yourself that you come second, it was ingrained and you didn’t exactly want to die, but carrying on this way? This was worse than you could have ever imagined.
Zemo was just as bad as you if not worse, sure Rebecca could coax a smile from him, even the intonation of his voice became more empty, but his eyes always travelled to you, the burden, the inconvenience. He always seemed to be searching for something within you? Was it for you to admit you remember? The day you finally snapped? For the black soul that lived within you to take over? The latter was the only real possibility. And then there were the moments you caught his disgust. Which should bother you, but it didn't, you were as disgusted with yourself as he was. A goddess amongst ants, so powerful you were put on a pedestal, causing cities to fall, completely absolved of the responsibility and now you lived in his house, you were everything he hated, you hated yourself more than he ever could. He gave you a wide berth, you had seen his tactics before, but you appreciated that. He became colder and colder, as broken as you were and you loathed yourself for thinking you could have made this work, that it would be easier if you just held his hand. But nothing ever hurt like him. You were bonded by trauma, unhealthily attached to each other. Toxic in the highest form. Sadness etched on his face and a hard exterior that couldn't be penetrated, not that you wanted to, but Zemo was once your everything. There was no going back for him, for either of you, too much had happened, too much loss. Victor reminded you that you were the one who needed saving, Your pain was interminable because of Zemo and he was insipid, intractable.
You knew that.
But the atmosphere of the house was soul wrenching, a black cloud did not crush you, you were the black cloud, dead, empty inside and as infectious as Zemo once called you, you stole the light from everyone. Trapped in a dalliance they couldn't ward off, one you couldn't either. And as meek and as compliant as you were, it only made Zemo hang his head. You wondered who was more of a shadow of who they used to be? Whose gaping wound that would never heal hurt the most? How much longer could you keep this up? How much more could you bottle up? How much longer could you drown, gasping for air? How after another week Zemo could no longer bear to look at you and you could barely open your eyes, through the tormented sleep and hours staring at the fireplace that no longer worked as Victor begged you to kill them all.
There wasn’t any consistency to it all, only the pain. How it hurt, just to breathe. How Zemo had an answer for everything but he couldn't fix this, that you didn’t want him to, that you knew you did this, you deserve a life of misery, that you went back to the one thing you needed to walk away from and in turn were now forcing Zemo to live in this hell too. How every second felt like you were standing on the edge, to keep going or give up, how tired you were of it all, you were even hallucinating your dead mentor, soulmate, whatever he was, imagining he was here, when you knew he couldn't be. Was this survivor’s guilt? The conversations with yourself, the ups and downs and for what? What would it change now? That no matter how much you tried, you would always be the problem.
“Don’t give in, fight back Sweetheart, for me.”
Instead of answering you rolled over in bed and closed your eyes. Keep fighting? What for? There wasn’t anything to fight for anymore.
–
Arriving at the New York division of the Wakandan outreach programme you knew you were supposed to feel something, but it just reminded you that Zemo did this either out of obligation to Wakanda or to you. Guilt, the guilt that Wanda told you would eat them alive and despite your efforts something was eating him alive. Eating all of them alive, you could see it on their faces the moment they saw you. You were losing weight rapidly, face gaunt, eyes sullen, lips chapped, skin discoloured, the only reason your hair was brushed was because of Rebecca, Zemo point blank refused to do your hair, so you tried to match it just by eyeballing what he had done. Bucky looked as if he were ready to force feed and then start world war three. Go ahead.
Unsurprisingly you were placed in a courtyard, with very high brick walls. Bored out of your mind, kicking stones around, shut out again and unable to do anything. You opened the outdoor cabinet to find logs. But then this was New York City, plenty of old buildings, so fireplaces were common. Buildings and houses not as old as Castle Doom but old enough. How long were you expected to be out here? Maybe you could carve something with your nails? Something? Anything? You started to remove all of the logs, even just to count them to pass the time finding an axe at the bottom. Well it was something to do. Your sunglasses could serve as safety goggles, not that you cared. Despite knowing your muscles were weaker, that you were weaker, you brought the axe down.
Over and over.
You managed to split one log into eight before you felt a searing gaze on your neck. Dropping the axe out of your hand, you wondered if you could gaslight Zemo as he had to you. Just say there isn't an axe, you can’t see an axe. Just apologise immediately and he would drop it. Really you weren't trying to piss him off, you imagined the person who left this out here was in for worse than you were.
“Explain yourself.” Zemo demanded.
And you could kind of understand why he was angry, but in your defence you hadn't chopped off your arm and you had enough time, shouldn't you get points for that? Yet Zemo looked incensed as frustrated as he had that morning and that was the moment you realised, you weren't even sure he cared about the axe, he more pissed about what happened earlier.
–
That Morning.
–
Sitting at the kitchen counter as the dining room currently had no table and orange stains on the walls, you patiently waited for Rebecca to finish her egg on toast. Zemo got a phone call and excused himself, you didn't need to look up to know there would be a warning in his eyes, not to touch the cutlery to wait until he returned and he would cut up your breakfast only for you to not eat it. Diminished to such treatment, but it was expected. Picking at your nails, wondering if today would bring anything different to yesterday, you felt a small hand on your thigh, scooching back, Rebecca climbed onto your lap. With her own cutlery she started to cut your toast into neat rows. Three years old and she had some of that etiquette Zemo taught you. She encouraged you to try, pulling your hands to the plate, gently praising you for being able to complete such a simple task. Leaving the toast half finished she climbed back to her own chair, took her cutlery back and hummed happily to herself.
“Why did you help me?” You asked cautiously.
“Helping is the best,” She put one hand on her chest. “Makes my heart all fuzzy and warm.”
Glowing.
You loved her, truly you did, but to watch this, to have to witness the joyful creature she was. It was breaking you down. What had they done? How could they let this happen? Finally, finally, you could say this wasn’t your fault, she was just like you and you weren't even here.
“I’m so sorry Sweetheart.”
Your own plate lifted in front of you, Zemo had come back into the room, you didn’t acknowledge him, you couldn’t stop staring at Rebecca. Even when Zemo asked her to fetch her shoes, your eyes followed her every movement, even when you couldn’t see her, you just stared at the door.
“Sunshine, are you planning to continue starving yourself?”
What? Zemo picked off a small piece of egg with a fork, your stomach flipped so violently, you only just made it to the kitchen sink, retching into it only bringing up bile. Shuddering at yet another mistake, another reason to entice Zemo into violence. “I’m so sorry, I’ll eat it, I promise.”
–
Breakfast, the explanation he wanted, your fingers trailed your lips, tasting the ghost of bile on your tongue, Zemo didn’t make you eat any of it. “I didn’t take Rebecca's cutlery, she thinks I don’t know how to use a knife, I’ll tell her not to help-” You cut yourself off, you were going to cry and you couldn’t let that happen. Trying to convey yet another apology, you returned to the courtyard. Making sure you were as far from the axe as possible, you sat down, putting your head in your hands, you didn’t know how you could carry on. Feeling the air shift as someone plopped down next to you.
“It was hard for me too at first,” Bucky started and you rolled your eyes. Warden number two here to tighten the noose. Yes it must have been extremely difficult, difference was, he got Wakanda, he got endless kindness and more importantly freedom, Shuri let him leave, T’Challa, didn’t monitor his every fucking breath, “It gets better, you just need time,” You didn't need time, you needed something else, you had no idea what that was, and as Bucky kept talking you realised what they were waiting for, they were still waiting for you to come home, No matter how docile you were, compliant, silent, you would never live up that image, you weren't the same person anymore and your presence only exasperated that. Letting him trail off you got to your feet, walking away from Bucky, walking away from this, you found Zemo in the exact same spot he was before, disgust on his face until the mask of an approachable openness slid on as he saw you.
“Can I call Maria?” You huffed out, you didn’t carry that shit phone Zemo gave you anywhere and the one Maria gave you was safely tucked inside your mattress, pretending not to see that refusal flash in his eyes. “Zemo, I have to leave.”
“You, you don’t know what you are saying, you have no idea what’s out there.” Bucky said nervously, planting his hand on your shoulder and you wanted to fucking scream, purposely looking at his hand, you wanted to ask why they both felt comfortable touching you, why they assumed they had an open invitation, tell them both that they should be the ones locked up, that they shouldn't be out in the public, that it horrified you that they were, you were deeply disturbed by them both, that if he didn’t get his fucking hands off you, you were going to make him. That at this point, you didn't care what or who was out there, you would take your chances, because it had to be better than this. Bucky, uncomfortable at your focus on his hand, slipped it off, exhaling you knew you had to get through to Zemo, to convince him and the only real way you could see to do that was through Rebecca. You held your hands out, Zemo’s eyes bounced in between your hands and your eyes, he made a valiant effort not to touch you these days, you nodded, giving him permission, you squeezed his soft scarred hands once they made contact.
“Zemo, Rebecca can see what you are doing. She will look back and remember that you became miserable was the day I appeared. You are withering away, we both are, I can’t do this. You have to let me go.” You looked into his eyes and reflected back at you his own admittance, that he knew you were right. You smiled as much as you could at him, nodding hoping he would puppeteer you, that you would both be on the same page, he relinquished one hand to put in his pocket, to get his phone and you heaved a sigh of relief. That was short lived, when you heard Bucky move closer to you, the hairs on your neck stood on end, you snatched your other hand away from Zemo. Knowing that if Victor were here, he would tell you to scream that you remember, that you remember every last thing, planting your feet ready to push off, to break the door just behind Zemo down, hopefully before he jabbed you with one of those needles.
<”She is going to bolt.”> Bucky whispered.
“SARAH!” You shouted at the suspicious eyes of Zemo and Bucky. They could sedate you in front of Sarah, but she wouldn’t let it go, she was already asking questions, already connecting the dots. She came pounding down the stairs, talking over Zemo and Bucky who no doubt were feeding her a line, you spoke slowly and clearly. “If you have the keys, open the door.” You didn’t even look in her direction, you concentrated on Bucky and Zemo’s feet, you didn’t need to plead with your eyes, she would do it or she wouldn’t.
“Doll, Sarah, DOLL you need to think about this.” Bucky urged. She took a single step towards the door and as Bucky matched her step she screamed for Sam. You wanted to feel guilty at getting everyone involved in this but this was as close as you would ever get to freedom. Still watching Bucky's feet as he was the fastest, tension filtered into the air. All of the children were upstairs alone, yes there were many good people from Wakanda, but was Zemo really ok with that? Lifting your eyes to the ceiling, a thump came from above you all and you dodged out of the way as Zemo and Bucky tore up the stairs. Sarah raced the door, fumbling with the keys in her hand. You wished you had time to tell her how thankful you were. The door opened and as you stepped through it a firm grip stretched around your upper arm. Sarah wasn’t having any of it pushing Sam as hard as she could, she stood in between you, tall and defiant. Sarah knew, she knew there was more going on than she was being told. Standing in between you, Captain America, The Winter Soldier and Baron Zemo.
A fierce bold courageous woman.
“I got this.” Even though she sounded scared, she was sure and ready to fight. You listened to your body, the years it had told you that running was the best option and you didn't listen, fuck you were listening now. You pretty much just used Rebecca as bait and you would be killed for that alone. Taking off down the street you didn’t look back, asking the first person where the closest police station was you kept going, you were going to turn yourself in. Ensure the world was safe from you and you would be safe from Hydra, ask the officers to call Maria. Reaching a small station quickly you were asked to wait until someone was available. You let your head rest back and closed your eyes feeling weary, exhausted.
“Officer, that is the protege of Zebediah Killgrave, remember him?” Sam had burst through the door commanding the room with all the authority of Captain America. Zebadiah? You remembered coming across that name, Mr Purple, a man who terrorised the city, had the ability to manipulate, control and brainwash anyone just with his words. Now that was clever, almost too clever, the perfect way to shut you up, to stop you speaking, because not a person would believe you now or let you talk and as every gun simultaneously lifted aimed in your direction, fuck you wished someone would. “I got this.” Sam growled and grabbed at your upper arm again and you stared daggers at him as he manhandled you back out onto the street.
“Get off me, you asshole.”
“You are the biggest pain in my ass you know, just running off, where are you gonna go?”
Far fucking away. Wrestling against his pull he dragged you into what looked like a very upscale bar, a place you were not dressed for, which was evident by you both being stopped, but Sam bypassed that with a few choice words whispered into the concierge’s ear. Being Captain America really did have its perks. And Sam looked pissed, crazy pissed. Pissed that he would have had to explain how you just wandered off to Bucky and Zemo though you suspected he was more pissed at having to go up against Sarah, truly a force to be reckoned with. The only words you intended to express was a need to speak with Maria. Being poured whisky on a crisp white table cloth, just served as yet another reminder who they wanted back, and how much things had changed.
“Look, I know Zemo is an ass. He can be reasonable, he can, just talk to him.”
You couldn’t believe what you were hearing, despite the fact you had heard Sam say this to you before, but that was in regards to Bucky. Zemo could be all of those things, but not with you. He had no control whatsoever. “Would Steve agree with you?” You jabbed, As Sam’s face dropped you lifted your glass to a toast. “To Captain America, a hero,“ You continued bitterly, “To the man you turn to when all hope is lost, a beacon of light, the hero who is supposed to fight for my freedom.”
Sam didn’t meet your glass he couldn’t, he couldn't be your hope, he couldn't grant your freedom. Lips set into a grim line, he at least looked ashamed. It was a low blow to compare him to Steve, to someone he spent years trying to live up to, lowering the glass, you traced a finger of the rim, still not taking a sip. Sam had not even touched his own whisky. You thought he was more of a beer kind guy, anyway. In fact not even his fingers touched it, made no attempt to even pretend. It was as if you had tunnel vision, zooming into the glass, breathing becoming ragged when it dawned on you. Sam hadn’t touched the whisky, because it wasn’t his drink.
Slamming your hands on the table to high tail it out of here before Zemo arrived you were met with his large hands covering your own, crushing his weight down onto your fingers. You tried to pull away, yank yourself away with the remaining strength you had left. Zemo wasn’t angry, he wasn’t upset, he wasn’t even disappointed, if anything he looked defeated.
“SAM! Sam, I can’t go back, I-” Your mouth fell open at Sam, sitting calmly, a blank look on his face, none of that scared you, no, his molten golden eyes did. “Sam?” You tried, quickly checking Zemo’s eyes weren’t the same, Zemo didn’t look remotely alarmed, if anything he looked flustered, flushed as if he ran here. swinging back to Sam only to see more molten golden dots, servers paused pouring wine, some halted with trays in their arms, patrons mid drink all statuesque. Had time stopped? That question was answered quickly when every single person made their way towards the entrance, including Sam. There was that cement feeling again, pouring over you, unable to move, unable to speak, frozen stiff. Your senses only came back to you when the crowd leaving revealed a tall pale man with a slight smirk on his face, his own molten eyes, with one hand in the hair. Druig. You read about him too, he could control minds. The thought alone of having your mind tampered with like that, being controlled in such a way, would you even be aware of what you were doing? You had to bargain for the best possible outcome. You weren’t even perturbed by thick metal shutters coming down the windows and doors, locking you inside with Zemo.
“Zemo, I’ll do anything you want, anything please, please, don’t do that to me.” You begged.
“Anything?” Zemo questioned, the undertone of what that could mean, a vulgar and vile implication. “You shouldn't make agreements without knowing exactly what is required of you.” Zemo gently lifted his hands as your head started darting around, looking for a way out, looking for Victor, for fucking anything. Zemo didn’t need the house, he never needed the house, he only ever needed himself, that was enough,, to keep you contained. Looking for your last fucking brain cell because you still hadn’t quite got the hang of that. You agreed to leave the raft with Zemo without question. Agreed to go with Victor without hesitation and still here you were agreeing to stupid stupid shit. “Do you really believe anyone can save you now?” Zemo rasped. You didn’t there was no one, what was Zemo about to tell you, you would be serving a lifetime term in the basement? You would never see the light of day again? “The only person capable of such a feat is yourself.”
Not even hearing that last sentence, beginning to hyperventilate. “I’m very very sorry.”
“Stop apologising.” Zemo reached over the bar selecting a bottle of wine. “You have nothing to apologise for. You are not responsible for this.” He held up the bottle for your approval and you stood there slack jawed, what in the fresh fuck did he mean? What did he want? What was this? He poured the deep scarlet liquid into a wine glass, a glass not plastic, keeping himself at arms length he offered it to you with nothing left but his humility. “Sunshine, the war is over, I know when I am beaten. You cannot fight and neither can I, you and Rebecca will be relocating to Wakanda, I'm afraid it may take a few days-”
You held your hand up stopping him, there was no way you heard him right. “You're abandoning her? Handing her off? To a stranger?” Voice embellished so he understood, that is exactly what your parents did to you. As Zemo opened his mouth to defend himself, you continued. “Where will you be?”
“I will be turning myself in for my crimes against you, Maria will make the appropriate arrangements.”
He might just be the worst person you had ever met, leaving Rebecca with you, a stranger, handing her over so easily. A malevolent smile spread across your face, reaching out for the wine you sat down. You let the wine slide down your throat in triumph, you had him, he could say whatever he wanted, only now the bruises around your eyes had faded. There wasn’t a mark on your body, he didn't have anything to corroborate his story and most importantly, Maria would believe you. “Call Maria, I'll even speak to her for you.”
Zemo’s lips pursed. “I watch your animated corpse wander my halls, you die everyday. I am detrimental to you. You have become hyper vigilant, not prioritising your basic needs, reactive, distorted negative beliefs about yourself. You are in survival mode and I must concede. It would be negligent of me to allow this to continue. I have to force you, force you to choose yourself.” All you could hear was his devastation, for the situation you were in, for where you both were now. “I talk myself in circles searching for compromises for your freedom. I can only apologise for my behaviour, I will never forgive myself, my transgressions are extensive, endless. I have made many mistakes in my life, they all pale in comparison to you.” Zemo stumbled over his words. Zemo of all people. ”You remind me of what I am. A depraved and cruel man, in Wakanda, you can-”
“Rebecca loves you, you can't leave her.”
“Rebecca is safe, loved, happy. Your needs surpass hers.”
“I don’t care.”
“I am aware of that. That's the crux of it, Sunshine, you do not care enough about yourself to see.” Zemo said exasperated, beaten down, the mask he always had slipped he looked just as fragile as you were. “You’re screaming, watching you torment yourself, it breaks me, my very soul, I couldn’t have envisioned a life so…. I want so much for you Sunshine, so much more than this.”
As the silence stretched between you, you saw that Zemo left his coat behind, his sword, stripped bare of his armour, of his weapons. His pallor looked that of a sickly man, pasty, as if he had just vomited himself, or came down from a panic attack, he looked vulnerable, scared even. Resigned and hopeless, as if his emotions would spill over at any moment.
“You don't trust everyone in Wakanda enough to GIVE AWAY your daughter.”
“I trust several individuals with Rebecca, she is not as reckless as I find you to be. She does not have a natural trepidation for danger. You truly have an incredible resolve, a passionate stubborness that cannot be tamed. So tell me Sunshine, what do you suggest?” Was Zemo giving you carte blanche? Letting you decide what happens from now on? You didn't know how to answer, you had never dreamed of your future, somehow you knew you wouldn't be the person choosing it. “I suspect you haven't ever had the opportunity to dictate your own life? What do you want?”
“I want to be free” But I know I can't be.
“ I understand your desire to have that Sunshine, I do. There are external forces at play. As a result of my actions, of my history there is a high possibility that you will be targeted.” Zemo sounded so wounded, a deep sense of morose in his tone. “Allow me to be candid, I am mentally unstable, I have let's refer to it as control issues. I have become fixated on you, unhealthy so. It is as if every emotion I have is directed at you, my feelings are incomprehensible. I feel as though I cannot live without you, I know that is incredibly unfair However I must ensure you are protected.”
“I’ll go to Wakanda, just me.” You relented.
“Sunshine-”
“NO.”
“Would you be open to a negotiation?” Zemo forever in a position of power wasn't used to being defied, let alone forced to compromise, it just wasn't something that happened you could hear that now in his words as they rattled in your mind. Negotiate with a terrorist, now that you would be willing to try your hand at, negotiate with Zemo? You can’t be negotiated with.
“I swear I am open to this discussion, we can establish new rules.” Zemo tried. No. “I promise that I can and will strive to be less intolerable.” he urged. No. “I vow to, I assure you I take my vows very seriously.” He said sincerely. I bet you do, the answer is still no. Zemo looked pained, took the last sip of his whisky and shook his head sadly, a desperate smile ghosted his lips. Even he knew that him being reasonable was implausible.
“I give you my word.”
That got your attention, something shifted between you. Victor gave his word and his word was binding, absolute. Zemo was attempting to give you a sense of security, even if it meant invoking Victor. “Start over, not afresh as such but with experience.” Just as you originally intended, you could fight with Zemo everyday or just coexist. You didn't agree on anything, but that wasn't a new sensation. Start over? It was only fair to see if Zemo could in fact be agreeable.
“Take this off.” You let your wrist fall to the table with a loud clatter, you wanted that torture device off, immediately. And yet Zemo did not seem to receptive of your demand, the first hurdle and he failed.
“That device allows me to see your pulse, I take great comfort in knowing that your heart beats.”
“Can’t I wear a fitness watch?”
“That is an excellent idea.” Zemo smiled. “Anything else?”
“I don’t want to take the pills, I want any and all cameras gone, I want the age restriction taken off netflix.”
“There are no cameras inside our home whatsoever. I think the rest goes without saying.”
“I don’t want to be afraid anymore.” You admitted.
“The last few years have hardened me, changed me, so much one hardly recognises oneself. A hardship I believe you understand all too well. Fear is your companion now, that is my fault. I am unable to take that from you Sunshine, I desperately wish I could. Know that I will never give you a reason to fear me, not ever again.”
“You actually believe you can do this?”
“James can hear a slight strain on your heart.” Zemo's eyes became glassy. “ It is not a matter of choice, I know that if I do not, you will die.”
You shook your head at yourself, because you believed him, after everything you believed him, trusted in every word he said. You looked at him, you just looked at him and wondered if it was even possible? Wanting to drown in his optimistic eyes and drown you would, one way or another. Zemo pushed the edge of your half empty, half full crystal glass towards you. Wine? Well something had to give you the courage, to agree to try again, to find your way back to some semblance of life, to have even a single shred of hope.
“I must be out of my fucking mind.”
–
Zemo pulled the fire alarm to open the door, an escape, a safety precaution, so simple yet concealed. He informed you that the bar was one of his many establishments, Zemo also invested in commercial property. You and Victor never looked for that, only for any new residential property. Finding a crowd of mindless zombies walking in central park, you kept your distance from Druig. According to Zemo he turned on his own kind for humanity, he valued that above everything else, Zemo also told you Druig would never ever be permitted to control your mind.
“I told you Zemo would come around if you talked to him.” Sam worriedly looked at you both, not quite believing his own words.
"And he is still an asshole.” You said firmly and very loudly, hearing Druig chuckle as he walked off.
“I am.” Zemo agreed wholeheartedly. And off you both went to find a fitness watch, you selected the cheapest one, blue in colour to not show any detection or preference for any colour from your past. Zemo purchased the most expensive black one, which he set up as you sat on a bench on Wall Street. Taking tiny nibbles of a burrito Zemo brought you, annoyed you just got another lump of sauce on the large sunglasses, you decided of your own volition to ask one of the many questions in your mind.
“I have to wear the cap and glasses, Sam does, Bucky does. Why don’t you?”
Zemo eyebrows pinched, he shuffled himself along the bench, creating a bigger space between you, surveying the hustle of New York, he cleared his throat and adopted as much of a carefree tone as he could. “I want my enemies to find me.”
No more burrito, you appreciated that he was honest, but you knew what happened when Zemo met his enemies. There were a million more questions you wanted to ask, but did you really want the answers? Did you want to watch him lie to you? You offered him the remainder of your burrito and to your shock he took a bite.
“Burrito guy is kind of cute, can I run away with him?” You said playfully, wanting to change the subject while watching Zemo to see if you could make him choke on his food. Zemo’s eyes lifted to you with a glint, he was amused that you were bold enough to say such a thing. He turned his attention to the man tending to his food cart. Crouching down to sort his supplies, napkins, chilli sauce, a pigeon swooped down and pecked at the onions and the man didn’t even look up, the pigeon flew away unnoticed. Hardly an acceptable candidate to keep you safe.
“Absolutely not.” Zemo said through laughter. Walking back to the outreach centre you noticed Zemo managed to ward enough anyone in your path with a single look in their direction, you must be the only person in New York City who wasn’t bumped into. Zemo walked ahead of you into the courtyard, picking up the axe and holding it out to you.
“Your life is your prerogative Sunshine. I do need to ask you for a favour, well two actually.” Taking the axe you narrowed your eyes, here it was the catch. “Firstly please refrain from cutting off your limbs.” He said that with a smile he reserved for when he had to be polite and he didn’t want to be. " Please be kinder to yourself.”
–
Zemo shook you awake once you arrived back, you didn’t know if it was the vibrations of the car, or just that the never ending tension in your spine had dulled slightly. Or if it was that Zemo made a point to tell you exactly where you were going before you just woke up in a new place. You did wonder what you had done? if you made the right choice? Rebecca was sleeping too, Zemo had been out in the city and didn't arrive back until late to take you both home. Could this place ever be your home?
Zemo gently pulled Rebecca from the car, rested her head on his shoulder and walked away from the house. You trailed next to him in silence knowing he was walking towards the pond, which now had a bench installed. The moon glittered on the surface as you heard the leaves rustle in the wind. Rebecca’s face squished against Zemo’s chest, slightly frowning as he sat down, he didn't speak until you sat down too.
“I lost someone very dear to me recently.” Zemo spoke lowly, moving Rebecca’s hair out of her face. “I always believed they guided me to be better, to do better, I’m not sure they ever did,” Me? “A gentle soul, saw the good in everyone including myself.” Zemo laughed ironically, knowing how much of a mistake that was for you. “The only person to call me out on my bullshit so blatantly.” Zemo smiled as if he remembered something specific, you wondered what it was. “I don’t know why I feel obligated to tell you this, I did not think it possible to die of a broken heart, “ Zemo's voice shook. “He did.”
He?
Oeznik
Zemo shifted slightly to reveal a plaque engraved with his name, a lump formed in your throat that constricted all of your air, wedged there to prevent the oncoming explosion.
“The loss of Rebecca’s mother tore him apart, the years without her, he missed her terribly, he devoted himself to Rebecca in her honour.” Zemo stood taking controlled breaths through his mouth. “Oeznik would have adored you too.”
Your heart lurched, you snapped your jaw shut and clenched your teeth as Zemo silently laid his coat on the bench and walked away. It must have taken everything he had to have kept walking, the gutteral noise that tore from you, even you never wanted to hear again. Inconsolable tears of grief poured out of you. Crying so much you thought your chest was being ripped open. Your skull shook with sobs as your hand traced his name, swearing you would do anything to bring him back. The wailing into the night just wishing he were here, crying harder when you thought about how he would console you, which only made your heart ache more.
The sun rose as your cries turned into hiccups. As you tried to steady your breaths to stop your diaphragm spasming, you felt lighter, there was something cathartic about crying, something freeing about letting it all out, even if just for one night, you sat up when you heard leaping footsteps and the giggles of your daughter running towards you, straight past, jumping without any fear at all into the pond. She emerged squealing, as you raced to the edge. Zemo waded in until he had to start swimming too. Of course she could swim, she was Zemo’s daughter, if she couldn’t he would have had the pond filled. Slipping off your shoes and paddled over to her as she encouraged you over, She was more confident in the water than you, probably a stronger swimmer. She wrapped her arms around your neck and moved her face to your ear.
“Careful of the crocodiles.”
–
After hours in the pond where Rebecca herself played the crocodile, she gave up when squirrels descended on you all, waiting patiently at Oeznik's bench for her to emerge. The nuts you ate earlier that month were for the squirrels who took them directly from her hand, then would scurry off to bury them. When she started to shiver she placed a hand on the bench and looked up into the sky with a bright smile on her face, she whispered Schatzi to herself. Which Zemo told you meant treasure. Just when you thought you couldn’t want Oeznik back anymore. Even after Rebecca was in dry clothes and bundled in blankets she shivered, She cosied up to Zemo and it wasn’t long until her eyes fluttered closed, tiring herself out from chasing after you all morning. Soon after that Zemo closed his eyes rhythmically stroking her hair, just as he used to with yours.
“Fine, even I’ll admit that's adorable.” Victor gritted as you watched them, It was moments like this you needed to hold onto. You hovered closeby, watching both their chest rise and fall, as they slept soundly. They say people know when they are being watched Zemo certainly did, the moment his eyes twitched, you rushed to grab his hands, recalling Oeznik's demonstration of waking a sleeping soldier. You quickly realised his instincts as a father were stronger, you flinched away with an apology. Apprehensive at being alone with Zemo, you felt the need to busy yourself, you moved towards the hallway.
“I need to return these to you.” Zemo said as he caught up, in his hands were the shoes Sarah brought with her, shoes with laces, no guesses for why they were taken from you. “I have some other purchases in the dining room.”
Purchases? Zemo provided everything here which you hated, you never felt comfortable taking his money, but you didn’t have much choice in the matter. Opening the door, you were greeted with every type of pillow available to mankind, square shaped, U shaped, V shaped, memory foam, cotton, firm, soft. Every type of blanket, comforter, duvet imaginable. Bed sheets with such a high thread count you weren’t sure it was possible.
“You are reluctant to sleep, perhaps you had something like this before? Do you feel drawn to any particular item?”
No? You just felt uncomfortable being put on the spot, on having to select something, when you had enough difficulty with everything as it was. You felt awkward that Zemo was trying to take care of you again, nervous to accept it, worried that none of this would ever make you feel comfortable in a bed again, remembering the last time Zemo wanted to take care of you, he built you a house, you started to scratch the palm of your hand.
“Sunshine. The very idea of me caring for you makes your skin crawl, these items are for you to care for yourself.” Zemo said with an air of authority. Piled over the chairs that remained in here, as there wasn’t a table yet, were stacks of long sleeve baggy t-shirts, more leggings, thick fluffy socks.
“I have clothes.” You uttered.
“Clothing that was purchased in an emergency, they are all polyester.” Zemo said dismissively with just a touch of disgust.
“To be fair I didn’t let you wear that either.” Victor added. Let me? Victor looked back at you unashamed matching Zemo's expression. Polyester was beneath both of them.
“I have marked a line in the bathtub as an indicator for the water.” Zemo handed you a wrapped waterproof pillow. “If you use this in combination, it will be very difficult to slip under.” Zemo encouraged. “And micro fibre towels, they are kinder to your skin, some basic skincare too.” Zemo said shyly. Nothing could save your skin, you highly doubted a towel would and there wasn’t a miracle cream out there. “I would suggest trying the weighted blanket, supposedly it aids sleep.” As overwhelmed as you were, you saw the weighted blanket for what it was, a substitute for your cloak. Zemo was willing to put aside his unbridled hate for Victor for you. “And a Loro Piana coat.” Zemo’s pitch went up, this was something he was more comfortable with, holding up the coat to you. It was an exact replica of the coat he had made for you, the emerald green coat, only this one was black. Your favourite colour. Was Zemo accepting of it now? Or would he rather you never wear emerald green again? “A new phone, the one I gave you originally is,” Zemo paused, thinking what to say. A blatant intrusion of privacy? just as you imagined this ‘new’ one would be too, “broken.” Zemo smiled, “and a new bedroom.”
“Why?”
“The master bedroom is…. can feel too large, empty at times. You will be taking the room next to Rebecca, the fireplace is still functional.”
Lips quirking just at the thought of getting the fireplace back. Maybe being closer to Rebecca would make you feel more at peace, maybe there was some merit in the weighted blanket, maybe choosing your own bedding up would help. And if not then it wasn’t like you would be losing anything more. Side eyeing Victor to make sure he would be moving to the new room with you, you agreed.
“Sunshine,” Zemo cleared his throat uncomfortably. “There is the possibility that you shared your bed before, you might be missing that comfort?”
With you? That was years ago?
“No no Sweetheart. Your darling husband thinks you shared a bed with me.”
Staring at Zemo with wide unbelieving eyes and a sneer forming on your face, you decided to make it very clear that was not the case. “I don’t even remember having a bed.” You quipped. The only time in your life that you did was with Bucky and Zemo; you had never been afforded such a luxury at other times. Zemo frowned, trying to understand, he knew you had a bed, he was tortured by the memories of your body against his. As despicable as he found Victor he wouldn’t have forced you to sleep on the floor, he would need to consult with Maria. You both heard the excited footsteps of a tiny human approach and you were glad Rebecca was right on time.
“Look!” Rebecca chimed, whipping round only to fall back into Zemo, not to find solace in his arms, to get as far away as you could from the incredibly large spider that was at least half the size of Rebecca's head crawling up her arm. “It tickles.” She hummed. IT TICKLES!
“Rebecca, maybe you should take your friend outside?” You shrilled. Pushing yourself further back and into Zemo, who kept moving back himself, trying to keep that distance between you. Rebecca moved closer with the spider in the air with two hands and it was bigger, than both her little hands. You swore the wretched thing heard your thoughts, he happily crawled back up Rebecca’s arm and onto her face, her eyes followed still sparkling and you were ready to set the house of fire. Reaching back, you clutched the collar of Zemo’s shirt and pushed him in front of you. Get that thing off her now! Zemo laughed at you, he actually laughed and you would have punched him, had he not let the spider crawl off Rebecca's face into his hands.
“I find it inexplicable that you are frightened of spiders.”
Unable to keep your eyes off its eight hairy legs, it’s black round eyes that you swore were looking at you. “I’m, I’m not scared.” You lied, grasping onto the walls, trying to climb them yourself. Zemo and Rebecca both looked at each other then turned on you, both stifling mocking giggles. “Here is what we are going to do,” You took a small side step keeping your eyes on the creature that Zemo was happy to let wander on his form. “We are all going to walk very slowly to the front door. Then Rebecca you are going to hold Mr spider just for a second, Zemo you open the door and I’ll run,” You took another step indicating for them to follow. “Then you will walk, far, far, far away from the house and let him go.” You continued side stepping, until you reached the door holding up a hand, you didn’t want that thing any closer. Rebecca happily took the spider, Zemo repressed yet another derisive smile as he slowly walked towards you.
“What are you waiting for!”
“Sunshine, are you not capable of opening a door by yourself?” He whispered. No, not this door, not in this house, you know it’s a prison. Zemo, please! He gestured for you to try. Hearing a very subtle click as your hand made contact with the knob, it recognised your fingerprints. Zemo understood that you needed to be able to open doors freely, to always have some form of escape, not complete freedom, but it certainly made you feel less trapped. You swung the door and ran knowing you should feel appreciation for being able to freely be outside without permission or Zemo, but you were too busy, rubbing your hands over your body, that spider might have friends.
–
You all made homemade pizza together for dinner. Zemo told you that if you prepared your own food, you would be able to trust he hadn't laced it with anything. Pizza his way of showing you he was compromising. Grated cheese littered the floor, Rebecca's hands were covered in tomato sauce that she routinely licked off her fingers. She selected only red peppers as her topping as it was her favourite and you wondered how immoral it would be to manipulate her to prefer a new colour. You moved your cloak and daisy chain to your new room, your most treasured possessions, as Rebecca went down for the night, you contemplating starting a fire when Zemo knocked on your door.
“Sunshine,” Zemo said firmly. “I am the prisoner now, I am no stranger to incarceration. I will be either in my room or office and I will seek permission to move between the two.” Zemo looked over your head, seeing that you had not yet made your bed, having only selected some sheets, not even a pillow. He didn’t show any emotion on his face even though you expected disappointment. "I will not encroach on your private space again. Goodnight Sunshine.”
Free roam? Well as much as Zemo could allow and as tempting as it was and as much as you should get a true layout of the house, you knew that opening doors here, just wasn’t in your best interest. You didn’t know what they would lead to, what you would see, you concluded some doors should remain closed. This house, this prison used to be a shelter and yes you would have to ignore what lay beneath. It wasn’t a lie, you weren't swallowing the truth, you knew the basement was just under your feet. Finding yourself in the kitchen, you started to put away the tornado from the pizza’s. Washing the chopping boards, plates, bowls, leaving the knives exactly where they were. There was no reason to rock the boat and honestly you weren't sure if you trusted yourself.
“Sweetheart, You are better than this. These asinine tasks? Don’t-”
“Achievements are achievements, no matter how small.” You told me that.
“Doing the dishes is not an achievement.” Victor growled. Says who? You? Zemo? Bucky? I have to fill the time with something Victor, I’m already halfway to insane. Now you knew there weren't cameras, you could talk out loud, even if were all they would see was you talking to yourself, arguing with yourself, which you felt as if you had been doing all your life. You ewminded Victor that he envied you for your being so adaptive, you had to be again, find a new way to live. If that meant doing the housework then so be it. Even if it could quieten your mind for just ten minutes you would do it. Drying the chopping board, only to realise you didn’t know where it was kept now, the kitchen wasn’t the same. Opening cupboards, pulling out a mixer, a blender, a rolling pin, removing utensils, plates, champagne glasses, whisky tumblers, a slow cooker. Before you knew it every cupboard was empty, you stood amongst the chaos, ready to begin again.
–
“Oh no!”
What's wrong?
Lifting your head with a groan to Rebecca standing in the doorway of the kitchen with her hands over her mouth, hair all messy and a nightie just slightly lopsided. Her golden eyes rounded as she took the scene in. Which meant you had to look at what she could see, you needed more than a second to fully come to your senses, feeling the indented lines from the mixer across your face, you feel asleep hunched over it.
“I’ll clear it up.” You rushed out, half of the contents of the kitchen was still splayed across counters, haphazardly thrown across the island, scattered across the floor.
Zemo didn’t show a single emotion on his face. “No, your task is not completed.” Zemo lifted Rebecca up, carefully took a step into the kitchen. Setting Rebecca down on the island, he picked up the first bowl he laid his eyes on and asked you to pass the cereal, which was in the far corner of the room. Navigating through this mess was easy for you, you had been doing it unknowingly all your life, it was easy for Zemo too as he joined you. “Sunshine, please make this your home. If you need to rearrange the kitchen, anywhere do so. If you need to tear this house apart brick by brick, do so. If you need to flatten cities, I will be by your side."
Unsure that you heard him and not another on of Victor's tirades, you had to check.“You would watch as I flatten cities?”
“No I would show you precisely how to execute such an idea.” Zemo insisted as if he weren't trying to disparage you. Victor’s smile widened significantly, just want you needed Victor in one ear begging you to kill everyone and Zemo in the other handing you a gun. No one is flattening cities. You had both seen and lived the consequences of that. It was a once in a lifetime event. You thrust the cereal into Zemo's chest and he had the nerve to look hurt that you rejected his idea.
“No one is doing that ever again.” You said out loud, ensuring that he understood that it was in no way permission for him to do such a thing either. Zemo gave a weak nod and backed off. Victor opened his mouth to plead with you and you gave him a warning glance as Zemo’s back was turned. “How, how does this house even work? If it is totally off the grid how do you pay for electricity and water?” You asked.
“I siphon it all from a farmer down the road," Zemo said casually, trying to make sense of the tangle in Rebecca’s hair as she ate her cereal sitting crossed legged on the island. His offhandedness about it, that it was completely acceptable to steal and not have it bother him at all. “Ethel and I have an agreement. I purchase her eggs for $500 a piece.” Zemo added. It wasn’t like you could argue, that price was beyond extortion, but then Zemo had a fully functioning house and her silence. Zemo took you over there, Ethel smacked him upside the head, which Zemo responded in kind by smiling politely and handing her a wad of bills.
“I imagine that was a parting gift from Oeznik, he had many more dealings with her.”
You laughed Oeznik was still here, even if it was in the form of putting Zemo back in his place. As Rebecca’s bed time loomed and you dreaded being without her, you pilfered her rest and were rewarded with her cheeky smiles. Stealing a marshmallow from Zemo’s hot chocolate you put a finger to her lips and her eyes dazzled. Purposely looking away you watched Zemo do the same to your hot chocolate out of the corner of your eye, putting his finger to his lips as if he turned a key, to keep Rebecca quiet, which she was incapable of doing. She was snorting to herself, delving into such a fit of giggles, she could barely breathe, tears sprang to her eyes and yours. That was it, right there, your favourite sound in the world, and for a moment, for just one moment, everything felt worth it.
–
You were brutally woken up by a tennis ball to the head, so discombobulated you were shocked you caught the second one only through intuition, through years of Victor's training and conditioning. Holding the bright green ball in your hand, waiting for your mind to comprehend what the hell was going on, you jumped at the clearing of a throat. To see Zemo standing in your doorway, tennis ball in his hand resting at his side. Now your mind had a second to catch up, you recalled the memory of your skin being torn off, a nightmare, one Zemo woke you from, without violating his rule, he would never enter your room. Giving him a weak and embarrassed thank you, you pulled yourself out of bed, ready to wash the sticky sheen of sweat from yourself.
Zemo reminded you to carry our new phone with you and not leave it in the bedroom as Sarah had to call him when you didn’t answer. You didn’t trust that he wasn’t looking at the new phone as he had with the old one, you also hated it because it sent you an alert for every single threat across the globe, something Sarah told you Sam and Bucky’s phone did, to be kept in the loop, Victor talked you though turning those off and they still came. Sarah was only trying to contact you because she said you were making dinner together by video call, accidentally saying it was to fill your time and almost slipping up that you both used to do this together. After Rebecca was settled in for the night both you and Zemo headed to the kitchen, propping up your phone against the coffee machine as it brewed a very late coffee, which Zemo gave you free reign of.
Happy to see Sarah more at ease with you on the small screen, she was just as delighted to see that your eyes weren’t so sullen, that you didn’t look so haggard, that you didn’t have that look in your eyes of wanting to immediately run away. Lasagne was on the menu and you had to remind yourself to not gather all of the ingredients to wait for Sarah’s instruction, patiently waiting for Zemo to begin chopping garlic. You were astounded when he passed you the knife and the chopping board. Unsurprisingly he lingered dangerously close, watching your every move, as if his being this close to a knife and near you wasn’t bad enough, you felt suffocated by him, looking over your shoulder instead of the task at hand. He had encouraged you to tell him what was wrong at any given moment, to point out his failures was his exact wording so you muted yourself from Sarah.
“Rebecca’s asleep, shouldn’t you be in your room?” You reminded Zemo.
“This is a compromise Sunshine, I am only this close to ensure you do not drive that knife into your heart.” Into my heart? Yes you supposed there was always the chance but while on a video call with Sarah? Your eyes flickered to Sarah and Zemo shifted slightly away, not nearly enough, but he did move, chucking a handful more of garlic cloves onto the chopping board. “Garlic is measured by the heart.” Zemo chimed.
“You have one of those?” You jabbed while pointing the knife in his direction, he just smiled fondly at you as Sarah started to tap the screen, she was trying not to do so frantically, but the look in her eye gave her away. Another alert on your phone only caused you to narrow your eyes further.
“Those alerts are to keep you informed, you need to be aware of the goings on in the world.” Zemo stated. He wanted you to be aware now, instead of having the wool pulled over your eyes as before, to give you as much intel as he possibly could. I don’t want to know. “I will have Shuri remove them.” Zemo acquiesced. Taking Sarah off mute, you continued making the dish, whenever the knife was in your possession Zemo struggled not to breathe down your neck, otherwise he let you and Sarah chat, even stretching your leg up to show her, the shoes she got you, putting the dish in the oven you waved Sarah goodbye.
“Could we discuss improvements?” Zemo said uncertainty. What improvements? For lasagne? He added the garlic? No, he meant improvements for you, he still expected you to get better.
“I’m not going to improve.” You starting taking it back as soon as you saw the rise of his eyebrows. “I mean, of course I can, just tell me what to do.”
“The improvements are for me Sunshine. Your well being is paramount to me.” Zemo said solemnly at your reaction, the instantaneous fear response that you couldn't quite shake. “Your efforts do not go unnoticed.” Zemo said, trying to steer to conversation away from anything that might send you into a spiral. “In a few days I will need to fetch supplies, is there anything you need?”
“Who is staying with us?” You asked, ready to prepare yourself for a new guest, a new person who would be witness to your screams in the middle of the night. You couldn’t be left alone, you were a liability, a risk to everyone, including Rebecca.
Zemo’s eyebrows pinched. “I am quite talented at reading people, I know that if anything were to happen you would guard Rebecca with your life. Do not let your insecurities cloud your ability to care for her. My only concern is that you will be alone with the thoughts that plague you, I will retrieve the necessities during the day.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” You voiced and Zemo opened his mouth to argue, closing it shut rapidly seeing that you weren't ready, you weren't sure if you ever would be.
“The secondary fridge is well stocked,” Before you could ask where that was, Zemo answered, “Behind the blanket storage.” Zemo smiled ruefully. A fridge? Not a torture chamber? That did sound like something Zemo would do, you saw the insane lengths he went to in Louisiana, that he built a house underneath the actual house, you could all probably live down there for a few months, probably live here for a few years, given the chance, that was more than like Zemo’s ideal, in one place that couldn't be penetrated, he would call it safe, even if it was a prison.
“Sorry, it must feel like you are taking care of two children.” You said sadly. Zemo didn’t respond to that, not yet anyway. He slid a plastic card over to you, untraceable you presumed. “I don’t want your money.”
“The funds in this account did not come from me, they came from a woman called Pepper Potts.”
You choked on thin air, Pepper Potts, wife of Tony Stark Pepper Potts? Composing yourself, you had to maintain an air of ignorance. You were not supposed to know who either of those people were. Zemo refrained from rubbing your back, to get you through the small trembling coughs that were still spluttering from you.
“Financial freedom, or at the very least an attempt of it, I tried to be diligent in..” Zemo trailed off. “Pepper and I had a video conference, she is aware of your situation. She watched her husband torment himself, believing he was the only one capable of protecting the world. She understands that desire to shield, to conserve.. Sunshine just take it.” Zemo sighed. The desire to shield, like Tony had with the world, for his daughter Morgan, for his wife Pepper. The same burning need Zemo felt to protect you and Rebecca. Zemo reminded Pepper of Tony, that must have been a difficult conversation. You were shocked Pepper even agreed to talk to Zemo. You asked for her number to thank her, which you did by text. You doubted you would ever get a response, Pepper exiled herself and lived a life of seclusion, just as you were doing. Not that you ever needed to use the money, you knew Zemo well enough to know he would make sure you didn't need to.
“Two children?” Zemo wondered aloud, looking into the darkness outside. “One is astounding, the very embodiment of how I know that somewhere in my depraved life, I did one thing right. See’s the good in everyone, sometimes I believe she is too pure for this world.” Zemo said sadly, his thumb stroking the back of his golden wedding band. “The very reason I wish the world would change its heart, so she doesn’t have to change for it.” Zemo said wistfully, it was the perfect way to describe Rebecca. Zemo looked directly at you. “And the other one is sleeping upstairs.”
“I’m not like that.” Not anymore.You said blinking back the burn from the tears forming in your eyes, heartbroken that Zemo had any faith left in you at all.
“I have a gut feeling you were born that way.”
Next Part: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31451681/chapters/119611552
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POLITICS
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — San Francisco District Attorney Brooke Jenkins announced a bold new direction for the DA's office Friday when she put forward an innovative new plan to arrest people who break the law.
"This may seem like a radical idea," began Jenkins, "but I think that if someone breaks the law we should prosecute them and throw them in prison so they can no longer harm others."
Jenkins' revolutionary idea has received zero pushback from a community that is reportedly tired of being raped and murdered. Though unproven, the plan is expected to make the streets of San Francisco cleaner and safer, as well as boost the dwindling tourism market.
"I love San Francisco," said longtime resident Joey Gladstone. "But I'm not a fan of being defecated on by a hobo who thinks he's legendary Trojan warrior Hector while my wife gets mugged by another hobo. I really hope this brave plan to put people in jail pays off!"
Legislators have voiced support for the district attorney's office, calling the idea an incredible breakthrough for the criminal justice system.
"I can't believe no one has thought of this before!" commented CA State Senator Scott Wiener. "What a great idea! Arresting criminals... fascinating!"
At publishing time, CA Governor Gavin Newsom admonished San Francisco Mayor London Breed for allowing a radical DA to lock up misunderstood criminals.
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Hey dani!! I'm not one of the haters and I really do love your posts but I think calling people rape apologists and nazi sympathizers taking it a bit too far, don't you think? I really wish gay mikers and bi mikers, henry theorists and non-henry theorists could just stop fighting on tumblr. This is just a fandom space and it literally makes no sense for everyone to be constantly fighting. I personally believe Mike being gay would make more sense narrative wise, but you're entitled to your own opinion and i respect that. I'm bi myself so i understand the need for more rep in the media, and I wouldn't be mad either way because in the end we're at least getting queer representation one way or another. I really wanted to say something about all the drama going on right now, and I hope fandom spaces can become less toxic. Anyway have a nice day!
Hey!
I think it's taking it exactly where they took it first, they wanted to put fiction to the same field as reality so this applies to their way of thinking... they should be okay with me assuming that they are those types of people by following how they think if they were coherent, but they don't like it when I do the same thing they do and go crying about it distorting the meaning of the conversation or conveniently forgetting the tag where I point out it's irony and hyperbolic language in response to the asks they were sending me, pretending to be Gandhi while harassing others online
Those posts were in direct response to people sending me asks and telling me that you should forgive serial killers in real life and if you don't then it means that you support cops, the actual prison system and capital punishment from the state - I made a comparison because serial killers are not that better from rapists or Nazis, in fact they are overlapping often in real life because a lot of serial killers kill to satisfy sexual urges and exert control on others like that and a lot of Nazis were people so convinced of their superiority to consider others not worthy of value and so kill them for that (exactly like Henry does btw, he says it in the show literally that he kills because he's a predator and they are weak and deserve to be killed because of that)
people that are listening to whoever is talking shit again because they can't let things go and are fixated on starting drama again should look at the whole context of the conversation before judging
For the rest I am not the one constantly fighting I am the one that's not okay with being harassed online and so responds to the attacks, when I have problems with something someone says here I block them I don't go into their blogs to send a ton of hate asks about who they are as a person making big ass accusations first... but I do punch back as I said, I'm not here to take the bullying from these kids
I don't care about the Bi Vs. Gay "discourse" and never did, I think you can think whatever you want about Mike, I think he's bi and it makes more sense in the narrative for many reasons but I'm not into debating about that with others anymore because when I did - always being civil and kind about it - people started sending me hate asks because they don't like the idea of bi mike
The only thing I don't like is when the reasons to justify believing in gay Mike are reasons born from biphobic thinking, so sometimes I respond to those reasons making my own posts in my own blog and then people take it as "discourse" like I was going into their blogs to send them asks telling them they are idiots for believing gay Mike (thing that some gay Mike truthers do constantly about bi mike truthers by the way)
I wish the fandom was less toxic too that's why I block people because I want to have a peaceful experience here and have fun... this is the last ask I'm gonna post about this because I'm over it
Have a nice day too 🌈
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