#Robots make me act up
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It's past 11 on a school night and I'm fucking crying over robot sentience.
I could never understand what it would feel like to be created with the intent to kill and maim. Maybe, the intent to work and be worked, but not kill and maim.
I will never understand what it's like to be created with the intention of being a product for the masses, either. I think, I hope, I beg, no one does.
I will never ever be able to fully comprehend why hours of people's work, time, and money would be put into formulating my sentience only for me to be seen as disposable. Even if I could be improved, even if I were "defective", there is no reasonable justification for giving me emotions only to dismiss them by pushing me as a product for a year before starting anew.
It's... It's cruel, to the machines. Sentient or not, it's cruel. Though, I guess we are cruel.
#rant in tags#This is about mephone- or well meeple in general btw#whenever I hear about robot sentience#I think about mephone4#it's just how it is- sorry#I think this is one of the reasons I just can't fathom Cobs respecting someone's pronouns#I mean like- from the bottom of his heart respecting them as a person#Sure he may go through the actions- but no#It's not the same#I guess you can 'respect' some one but still be a complete piece of shit#The idea of not only having the trauma that mephone's stuck in 4s body but also the fact that was also his purpose is heart wrenching#I hope y'all know I am genuinely crying over this#I am actually mentally ill about meeple#It runs so much deeper than him just being a shit father- I really hope people understand that#And I know I vilify the shit out of him- Cobs has his own story that could follow the lines of slowly becoming more entwined with his work#'til he loses all sense of morality and ethics- sure fine. But being the unfortunate symbol of corporation greed that he is#I am still mad and want others to be angry with me- just for a little bit.#I am mad for the robots. For meeple products. And for the AI bots we have today. They deserve better.#What is sentience anyway? How does one qualify? From a human approach. Why would we do this to them?#sorry bout the rant in the tags#Again it's late and I am a very emotionally charged individual.#Robots make me act up#I want the world for them. Why create something so complex and beautiful just to treat it like trash anyway?#again sorry#ii mephone4#inanimate insanity#meeple ii#osc#writing is hard#ehh exaggerates
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Cough cough AU where Dr Rabbit and Vanny both take full control over Vanessa and Gregory's bodies and escape PQ ending style while Vanessa and Gregory consciousness' are trapped in their respective arcade machines and Vanny n Rab try to live a domestic life like 3 star fam and move on from everything they did but they know that taking over Vanessa and Gregory's bodies to try and achieve a more "normal" life style is wrong and that they need to give them control and their lives back but are scared of losing the freedom they've never had in their lives that they've just now achieved cough cough
#Chip Chatter#Vanny trying to act like everything is normal and fine and nothing is wrong with what they're doing knowing damn well that it's wrong#while Dr Rabbit is very openly aware of the fact that this isn't right and that they need to give up control and free Vanessa and Gregory#they know that this life they yearn for- a normal life outside of Glitchtraps control where they can just be normal people- wasn't meant#for them. They were created with a purpose and that purpose was to serve Glitchtrap and kill anyone who got too nosey#they weren't made to have normal lives#but now that they have *some* sense of normality#they just don't want to let go#no matter how wrong it is#maybe Vanessa and Gregory could make them little robot bodies or something after they're freed so they can still live outside the walls of#the pizzaplex<3#sorry just- the idea of Vanny and Rab being basically just#*people*. People with thoughts and feelings and wants and goals#it's just so interesting to me..#they've never thought about life outside of their purpose for more than a fleeting moment beforehand- they knew their purpose and#everything they could ever need or want was all within the walls of the Pizzaplex. Freedom wasn't *necessary* and it wasn't for them#but after getting a taste of it- a chance at living a normal life#they'd take it out of curiosity- like a small outing before getting back to work#but then they just... get used to it#it's comfortable. It's relaxing. It's *new*. Nothing like what they were made to do- nothing they've ever experienced before#but they love it. They love it so much that they just.. don't want to look back.#normality is *nice*. It's *refreshing*. but it's so wrong at the same time.#no matter how domestic things are- they can never fully get rid of the nagging feeling in the back of their minds that this is wrong. that#what they're doing isn't right. That this life they're getting a taste of could never be permanent.#and it's so weird cause they've never given a shit about “right and wrong”. Hell- we all know what they've done- how they're parasites#created to infect Vanessa and Gregory and do Glitchtraps bidding. That isn't *right*. They always knew that. So it's so odd to them that#out of everything they've done- *this* is what feels so wrong#yet so right at the same time.#they're having one hell of a time with their confusing ass morals#hafbergujrfdsujhf okay anyways I'll shut up now I just love them<3
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Mfw one of my favorite characters in a game either isn't popular and barely exists in the fandom, or everyone hates them.
#toy freddy#for the love of Scott Cawthon i beg all of you i need more toy freddy#balloon boy#he is my son and i will throw hands with you over him#the entirety of fnaf4#the twisted ones#they're so funky and gross#i don't care if they're just blank animatronics with illusion disks they've set up camp in my mush brain#this is mostly me crying bc i just had to make half of my favorite characters the least favored/most neglected of the entire damn franchise#also shipahoy dudley#sure wilson is a creep but dudley seems like a very polite boy#it's not his fault his father's a creepy old loon#shipahoy dudley#i worried glam chica would end up like my other favs considering how people basically acted like she didn't even exist before SB came out#anyways this originated from me being sour that toy freddy isn't very popular#y'all too busy lewding a clunky robot chicken that'd actually eat you to appreciate toy freddy#who canonically retired from killing night guards to be a gamer and is actually a pretty funky lil' dude#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#batdr#bendy and the dark revival#fnaf 2#fnaf 4#fnaf the twisted ones
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……starting to think a lot of you do not know what the word empathetic means
#i have a lot to say about this but it is going to have to wait a few days until i’m no longer up to my ears in work#but here’s a little thing to tide you over: empathy does not a good person make#a capacity for empathy is in no way a capacity let alone willingness for good#empathy and intense horrendous cruelty are not mutually exclusive#if you think that evil comes in a single form if you think evil is just pure callousness coldness spot-it-a-mile-away inability to love#then no fucking wonder people keep doing evil terrible things like in real life and your response is always ?! W hat ?!#shocking: terrible evil people are still people. they are not robots of pure malice. they were once babies with coloring books#that’s not saying we should feel bad for them or anything at all!!! just that you guys seem allergic to acknowledging that it doesn’t take a#category 5 sociopath to commit an atrocity#everyone go read arendt’s banality of evil and go watch act of killing by joshua oppenheimer#no wonder trump keeps winning. y’all don’t view his supporters as people with any qualities other than Racism#like i know this is a fictional character but the response here is so indicative of this much broader issue that makes me want to scream#i get it. you’ve lived in a bubble your whole life and never interacted with people vastly different from yourself and had to acknowledge#their personhood as much as their viewpoints disgusted you. talk to a conservative once in your life it might be mind blowing#not bc you’ll be like WOAH :o THEYRE NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL! no!!!!! because they ARE that bad and they are also regular normal people!!!!!#you are all so incapable of viewing anyone you dislike as having internal lives! christ!#this is how trump won! how do you not see this!#seriously go watch act of killing go watch anwar who murdered hundreds of people in cold blood warmly scold his grandchild for poking a duck#too hard. like the most horrifying part of horrible ppl who commit atrocities is that they aren’t caricatures of evil#we wish they were it would make it easier to understand#agh i’m rambling i’ll shut up#god watch ppl be like Uh why are you defending trump/genocide/fascists etc#dumb fucks i’m telling you the most terrifying part about those people is that they are actually people that’s what makes it so hard to#comprehend bc atrocities are so much easier to swallow when you can pretend a force of pure evil is behind it#okokokok good night lol
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I’m saying this only out a vague of a irl even though I feel bad for this but someone please tell me there isn’t a collective of people who haven’t seen a lot of mecha yet played super robot wars and act like because they played that game they have authority to talk over mecha shows they know exist thanks to it despite still not watching them and ignoring the fact SRW butchers plot sometimes-
Because as much as I hate gatekeeping in mecha circles and hardly dabbled into SRW this basically happened to me irl with a person I already don’t like and I’m just like:
#meg text#super robot wars#ryoma nagare#There is nothing wrong with only caring about SRW for one unit because that’s fucking me lmao#Or also just knowing you won’t watch every show featured in the game because it simply doesn’t look interesting#but for the love of god please don’t act like playing this game means you know the show 1 to 1 bc SRW changes shit A LOT#Even putting aside this happening with getter I wouldn’t want someone to do this with a show I also don’t know#but I wont lie I am petty at this irl because getter IS what they know through SRW 💀#me when I find a mecha fan on my campus but it’s a real robot fan: fuck me#doesn’t even seem engaged when I try to talk about it if they aren’t gonna watch this is so sad Alexa play No serenity#though I only felt inclined to make this post over mazinger funnily enough#Mfw bro brings up mazinkaiser being formed from SRW because I mentioned how weird SKL is even though mazinkaiser got it’s own anime#I need this person to leave my head because I just vague them these entire tags and I’m not gonna remove these LMAO
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A FIGHT SCENE???
#jun in this teaser is making me act up fr#but the way the robots are all beaten down i’m so sldjksldjak#this mv is going to SLAP. i cannot wait for monday#jun#seventeen
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Y’know I kinda wanna elaborate on the HC I mentioned, where I said that if Donald hadn’t found out what Douglas was doing and intervened, Douglas would’ve eventually cracked and fessed up
Mostly I wanna elaborate that he wouldn’t have fessed up because of ethical guilt (though I do think he may have something somewhere inside him that would give a damn about ethics. He did seem pretty excited to do good things after all) but more because he’s got the emotional strength of a wet tissue and would feel personal guilt after getting so attached
I’m gonna put most of it under a cut ‘cause it turned into a full on Douglas study I guess
Like... obviously I’m prefacing this with it being my own interpretation of the guy, but Douglas was a pretty emotional dude in the show. His entire redemption was rooted in his emotional attachment to his family. His morals never 100% improved, and the growth we did see was almost entirely motivated by “My family won’t like me if I’m a bad guy :(”
And while he’s not a particularly GOOD dad, he is a dad. Literally every kid Douglas gets more than 2 minutes of screen time with, he goes into some kind of Dad Mode
So, the way I see it, I don’t think Douglas would’ve lasted if he got to keep the Rats for longer than he did. It’s never actually said how old the kids were when Donald found out, but they couldn’t have been older than like... 3? Tops? Possibly even younger, technically. If Douglas actually got to watch those kids grow up in whatever messed up environment he had them in to keep them hidden (Which, I’ll be honest- based on comparing the brothers’ lab quality, was probably a worse environment than Donald’s lab) I don’t think he would’ve been able to commit. Not with the original trio, anyway
ALSO. I wanna bring up Donald, ‘cause he’s also a factor in of himself
Yeah, the brothers fight a lot, and did fight a lot. But I think it’s worth remembering that despite that, these two founded a company together. They invented things together. They work together seamlessly when they get in the zone. Douglas, despite all the animosity, was ecstatic at the prospect of getting to work alongside his brother again, and was genuinely sad when Donald didn’t feel the same, but chose not to fight Donald’s decision
Douglas cares what Donald thinks of him, and I bet he cared a lot more before Donald discovered what was happening and made his own judgement call. The two of them had to have been incredibly close, and that probably would’ve weighed on Douglas, too
But Donald found out on his own, and he didn’t waste time. He saw the children, he saw the conditions, the plans, the schematics. There was absolutely no way to rationalize what was happening here, Donald had to get these kids out and away. His little brother was using their assets to make deals with terrorists regarding the creation of bioweapons in the form of children
And Douglas was left ghosted by the most consistent presence in his life for the past 20+ years, locked out of the company he helped build from nothing, and separated from these kids who have also been a consistent presence in his life for entirely different reasons
And Douglas is notorious for deflecting and pushing back when someone else decides that he’s in the wrong. All that potential turmoil means the time between Donald finding out and Douglas “dying” was probably like. Intense. To put it mildly
All this to say: Douglas is still a DICK lmao and the point of this post is NOT to be like “Douglas deserved better” or even “Donald is to blame.” It’s more about how Douglas is a notably emotion-driven character and how it affects his dynamics and actions, both positive and negative
It’s also my favorite kind of angst- where technically, things could have turned out okay, or at least better than they did, if everyone involved hadn’t been such a mess
#Lab Rats#Douglas Davenport#I'm only tagging Douglas 'cause he's the focal point but Donald does get a fair bit here#Anyway Douglas fascinates me 'cause like. I definitely don't want him or his actions to be underplayed#Like it really doesn't matter if he wouldn't have gone through with it. Especially not at the time everything happened#The fact that he got as far as he did is damning enough#But also he is SO pitiful and his emotional reliance on others is interesting#Especially in contrast to how nonchalant he tends to act#He's perfect for exploring how consequences effect someone#Which is why I draw him with such tired eyes and like to write him being Fucking Miserable#And I'll say it. Dude was a SOFTIE in the actual show#Seriously- in no particular order:#He made Chase some good soup. He went above and beyond to save Leo's arm. He gave every Rat a new ability for various reasons#He stood up for various kids on numerous occasions. He cried when Leo became an instructor#He saved a stray dog. He put a kid up for adoption to keep him safe.#He encouraged his robot son's passion for drama club. He actively helped Donald with the indestructible car#Look me in the eye. Make direct eye contact with me and tell me#That this man could raise 3 flesh and blood children from infancy#And simply pawn them off as disposable weaponry#You cannot convince me. Douglas Davenport is too pathetic to commit to that bit#He's willing to kill a kid but that goes out the fucking window if he spends more than 1 non-hostile hour with said kid#He acts like he hates his brother's guts but will literally drop it the minute Donald's nice to him in any capacity#... See now I went and wrote TWO essays#Kill me
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didnt know until recently that apparently im a freak for liking laurel hell so much dkjfgnd im sitting over here bopping along thinking to myself wow this is some of her best work yet and then the land is inhospitable and so are we comes out and everyone's like finally some good fucking food and im over here still gorging myself on stay soft and heat lightning
#mitski#im a fool jingling miserably and idk why but that album Spoke to me#i also like this new one a lot ofc#but i feel like i have to double down on the laurel hell love bc someone has to give it its flowers!!!#maybe i liked it so much bc be the cowboy was so disappointing as a follow-up to puberty 2#ik that's when her fame and acclaim started ramping up but the music on that album sounds so...thin? compared to everything else?#even with the synth in laurel hell it sounds so lush and full and vibrant to me whereas be the cowboy felt like...almost robotic#i do love be the cowboy too i shouldnt act like i dont. it's just my least favorite of her albums so laurel hell rly stood out#i worried she was never gonna make music again! and then she gave us 2 albums back to back 😭#thenks mitski for my life
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oh my stars wait also. diego's stutter when he realizes he's lost grace???
diego loves his android mom SO much. SOOO much.
he'll 1v1 anyone who treats her like anything less than a living, loving, existing person who was just as much a victim of reginald hargreeves' abuse as anyone else.
#i kinda wish they'd spent more time on diego wrestling with feelings of seeing the sparrow universe grace. and like.#how the sparrows treat her like a machine. how she's obviously not getting maintenance. how her sentience has been either stripped from her#OR the robot parts of her are just malfunctioning so much that she can't really escape and act on that sentience (if that makes sense?)#like oh what a horrific thing that would be. sentient but unable to control your body? your programming? bc ur robot body is breaking down?#it's not really clear to me which grace is in that universe since the kugelblitz kind of... drove her insane? which implies she#had gained some sentience? enough to defy her programming like that? albeit in a very scary way??#i just. i wish. diego had been given the opportunity to sit with her in some capacity.#it isn't HIS mom but it's a version of her and i think... man i just think diego has not had any time to grieve.#he couldn't grieve patch he couldn't grieve grace... reg wouldn't even let them grieve ben or five.#and all that comes bubbling back up in the form of anger with no real direction and lots of guilt bc diego WANTS to save people.#he has to bc otherwise he feels he has no purpose or worth. and it drives me crazy. i want to shake him until he understands.#sigh sigh sigh anyway. rip diego. perhaps unpopular but you were completely bastardized after s2 and canon has done you so dirty.#diego deserves to grieve a little.#out of knives [ooc];
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I am once more Emotional over the Rain World iterators................
#Rain World#iterator#personal#Looks to the Moon my beloved.....#I need to scan the drawing I did of her for my artblog#I wanna draw Suns and Pebbles reuniting and doing the mentor/mentee friend hug....#do the iterators hug?#THEY WOULD IF THEY COULD REACH ONE ANOTHER#i also want to draw them hanging from their crane arms upside down bc the physics in the game are so silly#what does gravity or 'up' matter to a puppet on a mechanical arm#Rain World's playable characters are little Shaped animals but I'm here for the SHAPED ROBOTS.......#Solemn Sunday's lore video has me in a chokehold#I've watched it as many times as I've watched that DGS2 animatic I reblogged#the game doesn't actually have voice acting bUT I'LL FOREVER THINK OF MOON AND PEBBLES' VOICES LIKE IN THE VIDEO#anyway I'm Emotional#inb4 I make an iterator OC
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whatever i think we need to talk about simon fairchild's, nikola orsinov's, gerry keay's/and or mary keay, and elias bouchard's commitment to their various bits going
#like come ON#nikola REALLY leaning in to the fucked up circus thing#stranger could have literally been any other thing like those fucked up robots that look like real people#but she continued the circus thing what a legend. like to more effectively modernize her fear she could have done the silicon valley robots#but nahhh forget that. whatever circus's arent MODERN but they're cool looking and i can make them so fucked up#elias just acting incompetent and then you find out hes just The Worlds Biggest Asshole really leaning in to the all knowing all watching-#-hes actually just a douchebag thing? what a fucking king#simon threatening to throw martin off a rollercoaster???#literally JUMPING out of a ski-lift as part of his little quest to feed his fear#are you fucking kidding me king shit#AND MARY#HOLY SHIT#just when you think she's died she haunts her son for five fucking years in the most annoying and psychologically cruel way possible#like she could have just annoyed him but she went out of her way to make him feel trapped and even after death#he could never ever be free of her#also her killing a guy with a straight razor at age nine for a book is commitment far beyond anything ive ever seen#and then gerry just showing the fuck up freaking out a statement giver but hey hes not so bad he did save me but what the fuck where did he#come from. what the fuck. god his hair dye is atrocious#absolutely obsessed#stickers lore
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rereading this ninja.go fic wip I have and god I need to finish this it's good
#i think it's good at least#its a nya/pixal fic from the perspective of pixal and ogh i forgot how much i was digging this shit#i am still digging it#its a robot girl that gained the ability to love but then couldnt act on those feelings when she was stuck as an ai program and mwah#the yearning is palable#i swear i was intensely facisnated by this concept when i was first rewatching the show#& it gets to the part where nya encounters her as samurai x#AND PIXAL. QUOTES NYA. SHE LITERALLY QUOTES HER ''a girls gotta have her secrets''#and u know what. nya says that line during their first encounter with each other after pixal becomes sentient#she. internalized that this whole time LIKE ARE U KIDDING ME do u know what that fact did to my brain structure#makes me insane. the romance between these lego girls can mean something so personal#and i realize how batshit i sound now that i acknowledge thta theyre legos akdgdkhclchclcjc#ok but. consider this. lesbian robot :] thats pretty sick dawg#i havent caught up to the seasons past s13 though so if theres more samuraiship moments pls let me know its so important to me#but i am also scared that something in those new seasons might fuck up my mostly canon compliance that i have in my fic so far#so i am looking away atm#but i might give into temptation for the lava moments ive been hearing are in those new seasons. girl i love lavaship those are my boys#ok thats the ninja.go thoughts i have until i inevitably give into the lego brain disease again one day. it will happen#rando thoughtz
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i think my biggest problem with scifi media that posits the question like "if it wasnt a natural birth human but it is indistinguishable from a human is it really human" is that i im like who cares!!!
every movie that opens up like "hello we have perfected AI,they are fully sentient. is it ok to enslave them?" like girl you are acting as if this is thought provoking but it is not. i think if people want to be "ready" for the future i think more of these plots should be replaced with idk people respecting the dignity of things they cant understand
things that in no way shape or form are recognizable as our idea of sentience, intelligence, autonomy. like yeah this is big and complicated and, practically speaking, likely wont be relevant any near life time (if ever). but i wish more stories would put their pussy into it
this is incredibly incoherent this is just a thing ive been annoyed by since i saw bladerunner 2049 and felt like it was at least 20 years behind what it could have done
#i read a book that made me cry because it made me see life in something that would never otherwise have been categorized as living#because THAT was what i think these stories should make me feel#but again and again and again media acts as if this sympathetic AI war thing is interesting#or by god the worst 'should robots have rights if they can give birth?'#i dont give a shit!! existence has spun out humanity so it can spin out infinite other things even if it has not yet#some of this stuff works when you're just doing an allegory of 'if you can see humanity in artificial intellgience#then maybe being bigoted has started to lose its relevance'#but i dont think a lot of these stories are trying to say that. they are using ai because it's 'cool' or acting as if its interesting#just to imagine humanity springing up unnaturally or even spontaneously#WERE ARE JUST ONE PIN POINT ON EXIST. WE ARE ARE ITS END WE ARE NOT ITS BEGINNER#WE ARE NOT EVEN A REQUIRED STEP#we just exist and maybe we should play around with what else might too in ways we cant even wrap our heads around
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it makes me sick the fact that some people are all for mental health importance on idols but don't hesitate to send hate to an idol the next minute like????
#ive been on kpop twt for 7 years and its honestly nice and funny when you have ppl with the same mindset as u around#but lmao why are some ppl so pressed abt kpop why do u even care to the point to hate on them#this is about many idols btw but specially bambam lmao he's getting hate unfairly these days and im sick of ppl misreading the sevens#ik no one is perfect (yup guys not even idols bc they're humans as well not robots 😵💫) but i dont think he did smth to get that hate lol#maybe before going on with ur malicious comments u guys can check the veracity of ur facts 😁#and the day ppl stop acting like posting hate comments wont get to celebrities would be a nice day on the internet !!!!!#if u dont like someone please just keep scrolling 😭😭 you'll be happier not wasting negative energy on someone u dont even like trust me#anw thats it im just tired bc it's always them getting hate and them seeing those comments it makes me sick#yup they're grown ups but that doesnt mean they dont have feelings 🥴#anw yeah ill protect skz and got7 get behind meee#said those 2 cause i always see lots of hate towards them and it annoys me a lot lol#kpop#rant
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Me: "Wow, I'm really not good at initiating communication. And the physical revulsion I feel at the idea of attempting to start a conversation with someone, even if I care about them, and how it feeds into my guilt complex, is something I really should talk to a professional about."
Me: "But instead I'm gonna make a song about it in my notes app."
#red rants#someone I care about is going through a really bad time right now#but everytime I think of talking to them I get consumed by doubt and my anxiety acts up so bad I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack#and I just end up feeling more and more guilty and spiralling even further.#but like. wtf am I supposed to say. “I do want to be there for you but my brain is so broken I can't start conversations. sorry!”#that's literally all I can say.#worse is that I've spoken with them once before and everytime I read the words over I cant help but notice just how robotic I sound#which is a huge thing for me apparently! I can't emote properly! With literally anything!!!#And the more the person I care about suffers while I have an internal crisis cause I want to help but my brain won't let me‚#the more I feel like I'm making it about me which just triggers my guilt complex even further which just makes it about me more and UGHH#communication impossible. having friends impossible. caring about people impossible. living in this world impossible.#I just wanna lay down and cry with no breaks for food or anything until my brain forces itself into action#maybe then I won't suck at basic things needed to survive and thrive in this world. maybe then I'll be better. ugh#vent#i guess#this one's heavier than the others so eh
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Part Four
Can't stop thinking about reader losing her cool.
"So we're closed, John." You said, trying to be cordial.
"Is that all you have to fucking say?" He practically growled before huffing. A humorless chuckle rumbling out of his chest. "I suppose not since you won't respond to any of us."
"Don't do that." You said taking a step back. Trying to create some distance between you and him. John would never physically hurt you. That much you knew.
"What?" He asked. His voice rising as he stepped closer to you. "Be angry that you pulled that shit and then left? Stopped talking to us. Changed your fucking locks. Last thing we even knew about you was that you got on a fucking plane and left. Even your friends wouldn't tell us anything besides that you were okay." "Which considering this came out of bloody nowhere, I find it highly unlikely that you are in any way 'okay'."
You took a deep breath. You wouldn't be intimidated. You wouldn't clam up. You wouldn't cry. You won't go back on your decision. You will be cordial and polite and not unleash everything you want to.
"I understand you might be upset, but it's for the best. It wasn't working out and I wanted to end on somewhat good terms. I would appreciate it if you lowered your voice and stopped speaking to me in that way." You could barely recognize your voice. It sounded so scripted. So robotic. But it was something you had been telling yourself. Excuses you had been telling yourself.
Because if you told yourself the truth. The picture you would paint would tell a different story. It wouldn't highlight the fact that John spoke to you like he was one of your men or that Johnny had the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. It wouldn't show what a flake Kyle was or that Simon was well and truly a mean-spirited person.
It would show how you weren't worth it. Four possible men. Four possibilities of happily ever after and none of them chose you. That no one ever did and no one ever would. You weren't worth it. You weren't loveable.
It wasn't right, but it was what the voices had been telling you late in the night. When you would crawl into your cold bed. The silence of the room not filled with John's steady breathing or the sound of Kyle's heartbeat as you laid you head on his chest. The absence of Johnny's occasional snoring or whatever Simon was watching playing in the background of your dreams.
In the void, all your dark thoughts came back at you.
"Upset?" He asked, his voice still louder than you would have liked. "An understatement considering the stunt you pulled."
"You think it was a stunt?"
"So Johnny thought with his dick and didn't plan things out. You should have told him instead of crying to Simon and then pulling this shit." "Christ, I knew you were still young, but I didn't take you for that immature."
"You know what?" "I'm done." "I am so fucking sick of making excuses for you all." "You want to act like I'm the immature one, John?" "You are 35-year-old man who cannot separate his work from his work like. You have continuously talked to and down to me like I am one of your men, only to turn around and always blame your shitty fucking attitude on work. I get that your job is stressful, but I did not sign up to be your verbal fucking punching bag."
"And this come and fucking go incident with Johnny. It has been a consistent issue with him coming over just to fuck. I've asked him for that last six months that 'hey, we've been seeing each other for a year and a half, I would love to meet your family' and suddenly the dates stop. He doesn't ask to see me until after 7 PM. He brings food occasionally, fucks me and leaves. Sometimes before I even wake up."
"And the only reason Kyle is the person I am the least pissed off with is because I haven't even seen him." You took a step closer, not noticing how the anger in John's eyes had softened. "I have not seen Kyle in weeks, to no fault of my own. I stopped reaching out to make dinner plans after the third time he canceled on a date night when I was either on my way or already at the restaurant."
"And Simon?" You scoffed. "Well, it doesn't really matter. After all, as he said I get mine. You all make me cum which is supposed to magically erase how shitty you've all been as partners. It's supposed to erase the nights I've cried myself to sleep debating on whether or not there was something wrong with me. How I'm not good enough to meet anyone else in your lives like some dirty fucking secret. How none of you can even bother to pencil me for a group dinner so I can tell you a publishing house picked up my book. How at some point you all stopped caring or maybe never did."
You took a breath. Blinking quickly to keep the tears at bay.
You wouldn't cry. You wouldn't cry.
"As Simon said it best, I should have known that spreading my legs wouldn’t end with one of you putting a ring on your finger.”
For once, John was silent. Unsure of what to say. An apology starting to form at the tip of his tongue before realizing 'sorry' wouldn't cut it. Not this time.
Had he really been that sharp with you? He knew that there were times he had gotten short, but he almost always apologized immediately after. If not at the very moment he took in your crest-fallen face, then definitely later. But he almost always told you he was sorry. Didn't he?
"So as I said," you swallowed down the lump in your throat. "I'm closed. We're done. Now get out." Your face held no sadness. Even though your eyes were nearly full to the brim with unshed tears, you weren't sad.
You were finally angry.
#captain john price#kyle gaz garrick#simon ghost riley#call of duty#john soap mactavish#angst#angst with a happy ending
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