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sanfangirl-cynicalromantic · 7 months

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How You Get The Girl

In (late) honor of Taylor Swfit's version of 1989, I felt compelled to write a short fic inspired by one of my favorite songs from that album (all the songs are favorites).

Read on AO3 here

It had been two weeks, but whatever crap people spouted about being able to move on was a complete lie. He hid in his room - or more accurately, he hid in his awful generous cousin’s guest room, since his own apartment held too many reminders and before he had met Minden he had spent most of his time here anyway.

He stumbled downstairs, intending to steal the last carton of ice cream (again). He was pretty sure the only reason Astrid hadn’t come up to kick him out and kill him for continuously finishing off her ice cream was her fiancé keeping her at bay.

The rest of the gang were gathered in Hiccup’s living room talking quietly, which was unusual in itself, and everyone abruptly stopped talking as soon as he entered the room to get to the kitchen.

“Snotlout,” Hiccup greeted him with forced ease. “There you are. It’s, uh, it’s good to see you, um, out and about.”

“We were just talking about you,” admitted Fishlegs. Ruffnut threw an elbow into his substantial gut and he squeaked. “What?!”

“Actually, this is the perfect opportunity to talk. Why don’t you sit down?” Astrid suggested firmly. Her voice was honestly gentler than Snotlout would’ve expected, but there was still the threat of painful things to come if he didn’t obey.

“What’s up, Snotlout?” Heather asked. She was lounging on the couch with her boyfriend, Eret. “You’ve got us worried, honestly. We’ve never seen you down like this.”

Snotlout relented and collapsed into the last remaining armchair, hoping his dried tear tracks weren’t too obvious.

“I messed everything up,” he uttered despondently.

“I’m sure you did,” Ruffnut agreed. Then she frowned. “Wait, are we comforting you or saying it how it is?”

“What happened?” Hiccup addressed his cousin, ignoring Ruffnut. “I caught the part where you and Minden broke up, but I mean, why? You seemed really happy together, and no girl has ever stuck around this long. I thought you guys were kinda . . . it.” Snotlout stared stonily at the inch of space dangling between the floor and his heel. Damn Hiccup and Astrid and their long legs.

“You said you messed up,” Astrid remembered. “How’d you do that?”

“I guess it was kinda inevitable,” Snotlout spat bitterly. He spotted Hiccup’s thumb brushing absently over Astrid’s hands. The display of affection shot a pang straight through Snotlout, even though he hadn’t had physical closeness like that with Minden.

“I - I got scared,” he admitted. “I realized what she meant to me and - I wasn’t expecting it and then I freaked out because I’m, well, me,” - Ruff nodded solemnly in agreement - “and she’s, her so I pulled away and then I messed something she’d been working towards by forgetting about it and then she missed it and then when I called to apologize, she just yelled at me and hung up the phone. And then she blocked me. And when I went to her house to see her I found the door locked with my stuff in a box.” Normally, Snotlout was never this candid, but he was in a bad state, and it was strangely cathartic to spill all his woes onto others to share, even if they might judge him.

“Well, that sounds pretty final, mate,” Eret grimaced.

“Shut your mouth, Eret,” Snotlout groaned and let his head fall back against the chair.

“Shame,” Tuffnut interjected. “I totally thought she was the one a month ago.”

“She was the one,” Snotlout burst. “God, she’s - she is the one, guys. And I’ve lost her.”

“If she is the one, you should get her back. Are you gonna fight for her?” Astrid demanded.

“How would I do that?” Snotlout pouted.

“Grovel,” Hiccup offered. “Groveling does . . . it does wonders.” Astrid sniggered and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“What does she like?” queried Fishlegs reasonably. “For example: Astrid is straightforward, so she appreciates getting straight to the point and groveling, as Hiccup put it.” Astrid crossed her arms and smirked in confirmation. “Heather likes big speeches followed by promises and presents.”

“Am I that easy!” Heather exclaimed, sitting up from under Eret’s arms slung around her shoulders. “Am I that easy?” she asked her boyfriend.

Eret grinned and pecked her temple. “Yes about all those things, but the speeches and presents are neither easy nor cheap.” Heather rolled her eyes.

“Guess you shouldn’t fight with me,” she said demurely.

“I like people to indenture themselves to me and do my bidding for a set amount of time after they apologize and grovel,” Ruffnut stated. Snotlout shuddered. Fishlegs also looked uneasy at that announcement. Snotlout had no idea how close those two were, but he wondered if it were too late for Fishlegs to back out.

“So what would she want?” Fishlegs stressed.

Snotlout cast his mind back through those four months. Blurs of fumbles and giggles. Shy smiles and mistakes. Doing each other’s nails and Mindy’s cooking. Snotlout showing her his embroidery. Her love of pink and silver and honey. Her showing him her extensive album collection.

“She likes that singer!” he remembered. “Taylor Swift. And she never sweetens her coffee with sugar, only honey, and she does yoga and shows me how to do her hair . . .”

“Oh man, you’ve got it bad, br;o,” Tuffnut chortled. “A girl that hot with taste? Pff, no way you deserve her, Snotman.” Ruffnut flicked her brother’s ear, hard. “Oww, what did I do?” he whined.

“I don’t deserve her,” repeated Snotlout despondently. Oh God, he knew that, but hearing it out loud was making everything worse and more real.

“That only means you have to fight twice as hard for her,” said Hiccup encouragingly. “It doesn’t mean you can’t try, especially if she’s the one.” Astrid smiled softly at her fiancé and nodded at his cousin.

“You’ll want to do a big gesture, like out of a movie,” Fishlegs counseled.

“She’s a Swiftie, right?” Heather checked, “Well, that’s just my department. There should be a song.”

“Excuse you,” cried Tuffnut, “but I am a Swiftie too.”

“But Heather knows this particular Swiftie in question best, other than Snotlout,” Astrid cut in.

“Yeah, I go to advanced yoga with her and her roommates,” Heather reminded them.

“Honestly, ‘Swiftie’ wise, Dagur would be the best option. He’s the most devoted to the whole - thing - than anyone,” Hiccup contemplated. Heather looked up from her phone and gasped in outrage.

“Astrid, smack him for me!” Her friend laughingly complied.

“Hey!”

“We’re all appreciators of Taylor Swift here,” Eret soothed.

“Okay, so I’m looking for a perfect song, but we need more of a plan,” Heather directed them back on track.

“Tuffnut has a boom box,” Ruffnut volunteered.

“Maybe write a speech?” Fishlegs suggested.

“Oh my God,” said Eret, looking over Heather's shoulder at her phone.

“Oh yes,” Heather replied triumphantly.

“What?” Astrid craned her head over the armrests between them.

“I found it guys,” Heather announced. Everyone quieted and she pressed play.

Snotlout’s eyes widened. “Oh no.”

---

"I can't believe you guys are serious," Snotlout grumbled. "We don't need to go this hard."

“You absolutely do,” Hiccup assured him, biting back a laugh. “She’s worth it, remember?”

“There’s no guarantee this will work,” Snotlout pleaded.

Hiccup’s face grew sober. “No, there isn’t. But you are gonna do your best and put your heart out on the line because not doing that is what caused you to lose her in the first place. And if after this, she can’t see your sincerity, then she’s not the one for you, okay? You got this, cuz.” He clapped Snotlout’s shoulder cheerily.

“Everyone in position?” Astrid called softly. It was two o’clock and sunny on a Saturday morning and the gang was gathered on the lawn of the big, nice, expensive house Snotlout’s ex Minden shared with her two roommates. Heather checked her phone.

“Okay, they know we’re here. Ruff, Nadia will meet you by the window over there.” She pointed at the window. “Fishlegs, get the hose ready to throw. Eret! You’re on the left!”

“I am on the left!”

“Snotlout’s lefts. And practice the moves in sync.”

“What were we doing all day yesterday?” Snotlout asked sarcastically under his breath.

“Trying to keep up with me,” Tuffnut answered primly. “Now, don’t be afraid to move your hips and keep your body loose.” Snotlout pinched the bridge of his nose.

Astrid checked the old boom box. “Bluetooth is connected,” she reported. “Is the song in the right position?”

Heather switched apps to check. “Yep,” Heather verified.

“Camera’s all set up,” Hiccup added. “We are never letting him forget this.”

“Make sure you record it well; Atali wants a copy of the footage as payment for helping us.”

Ruffnut popped her head out of the first story window and waved her arms. “You wouldn’t believe it, but they’re already playing some Taylor Swift songs,” she called down. Fishlegs chucked the hose up to her. An indistinguishable pulse of sound drifted out the window.

“Quiet!” Heather hissed. “We really don’t want them hearing us before we’re ready.”

“Jeez, fine.” Ruffnut rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. “Fishlegs, this hose isn’t on; turn the nozzle.” Heather yelped and jumped out of the way as a jet of water squirted at her.

“Ruff!” she screeched. “The setting is shower and you’re supposed to be pointing it at Snotlout, not me.”

“Sorry!” the female twin called down.

“We really don’t need the hose,” Snotlout interjected.

“We should probably use the hose. The first lyrics are ‘stand there like a ghost, shaking from the rain,” Fishlegs spouted.

“It’s a nice touch,” Astrid agreed, hiding a smile.

“Besides,” Eret nudged him, “Your shirt’ll be soaked and you can flex your muscles at her.”

“Just don’t go flexing your muscles,” Snotlout grumbled.

“I have a girlfriend,” Eret reassured him.

“Yeah, but my - I mean, Mindy - she’s hot.”

“So is Heather, but don’t worry, I won’t go flexing any muscles.”

Ruffnut directed the hose and cold water splashed onto Snotlout, Eret, and Tuffnut. Hiccup sniggered and pressed the record button.

“Ring the doorbell!” Heather instructed him urgently, fingers typing furiously. Snotlout did.

He stood there, soaking the cold water droplets while the hot sun beat down on his back, trying not to panic and reviewing the dance steps in his head to calm himself down.

After what seemed like forever, the door finally opened, revealing Minden’s beautiful dark face. She blinked a few times, like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Snotlout sopping wet and fully clothed in the middle of the day on her doorstep was probably the last thing she was expecting.

He took her in greedily, from her glossy unbrushed brown hair and her olive skin and the tired crust in her light eyes. He was pretty sure he wasn’t imagining the old tear tracks down her face. She was wearing no makeup and a ratty old T-shirt with a smear of strawberry ice cream down one side. There was no way he deserved an angel like her.

“Snotlout?” Girls thought Eret’s British accent was hot? Minden’s Aussie accent was the hottest thing he’d ever heard. “What are you doing here?” she asked, perplexed. “I-”

“It’s been a long six months,” Snotlout recited carefully. This was such a bad idea; she’d just think him more of a fool.

“Are you insane?” she asked, concerned. “It’s only been-”

“Minden, I was - I was too afraid to tell you . . . to tell you what I want.” He spat hose water out of his mouth so he could keep talking. He knew the hose was a bad idea. “But I’m telling you now . . .” continued Snotlout heavily. Astrid turned up the boombox’s volume and picked it up. Minden jumped, startled, taking in everybody as if for the first time.

“I want you for worse or for better . . .”

“I would wait forever and ever,” Snotlout sang along earnestly, Tuffnut and Eret dancing with him.

“Broke your heart I’ll put it back together,” he made a heart with his hands and shimmied alongside Tuffnut, trying not to cringe. It was easier than he thought though, being silly, if he just focused on Minden’s baffled face.

“I would wait forever and ever . . .”

Wait, wasn’t she supposed to be jumping into his arms by now?

“And that’s how it works, that’s how you get the girl,” sang Taylor Swift on the speakers, but it wasn’t working. Not for him, because he was Snotlout, the one guy who always messed up.

He tried to shut down the lump in his throat at the thought. He wouldn’t cry - his dad had drilled that lesson into him thoroughly enough. Leave the girly crying to his wimpy cousin Hiccup instead.

Now would be his cue to start laughing uproariously and yell ‘kidding’ and an I-can’t-believe-you-fell–for-that like he always did. Tuffnut kept dancing even as the choreography ran out and Eret cast a concerned glance at him as he struggled to stay in sync with Tuffnut. Snotlout didn’t keep dancing.

“Look, Mindy,” Snotlout bowed his head. “I understand if you have no interest in seeing me, and, you know, I wouldn’t blame you. I know I messed up.” He chanced a glance at her but she was looking at him steadily with a blank expression on her smooth face.

“I’ve never had anything like this,” Snotlout admitted. “I’ve never had a girl who saw enough in me to stick around - or even truly give me a chance. And then you came along and at first I thought ‘the joke’s on you because I’m not that guy,’ and then I realized that maybe I kinda wanted to be him.” He resisted the urge to shiver as the hose water ran down his back.

“I’ve been an idiot - you can ask anyone. And I’ve been a muttonhead too. But I miss what we had, Minden. I miss painting your nails and gluing sequins with you on picture frames. I miss our spa nights and face masks and rom com marathons and I would do whatever it takes to get that back.”

Minden’s mouth parted as if she was going to speak but nothing came out so Snotlout continued in a panic.

“I would do whatever it took,” he swore. “Even if it means standing here soaking wet trying to pull a Lloyd Dobler or waiting for as long as you need me to. I’d do it. Whatever you want. Even if . . . even if you just wanted to never see me again, I’d do that too.” He gulped, suddenly certain she would choose the last option.

“I . . . I think, no I know, I just, I’m pretty sure I love you, okay?! There, I said it! And I was so freaked out I withdrew and hurt you, and I’m sorry.” He shrugged and looked at Minden impleadingly.

“I’m also, um, running out of things to say, so if you just give me an answer that’d be-” he was cut off by Minden throwing herself into his arms, hugging him tightly and nearly toppling Snotlout over.

“You love me?” she asked thickly. Snotlout swallowed and looked around in a panic in an attempt to not meet her eyes, but since she was taller than him he had nowhere to look.

“I . . . yeah,” he sighed. “And I . . . I don’t really . . . um,” his hands rested hesitantly on her waist.

“I love you too, Snotlout,” she half-laughed, half-sniffed. “I really, really do.”

---

“Awww,” squeaked Fishlegs adoringly. “I just love true love!”

“It was about time,” Atali announced from the doorway. She walked over to Hiccup. “Did you get that all on camera?”

“Oh yeah,” Hiccup said, grinning. “It was surprisingly sentimental, a truly phenomenal thing to get on camera when it comes to Snotlout.”

“I also got a good angle of his face when he was apologizing,” the redhead grinned. “Want me to send it to you?”

“Oh yeah,” Hiccup said eagerly.

“Thanks again for agreeing to help us,” Heather said as she came over, pocketing her phone. Atali waved a lazy hand.

“Honestly, it was about time,” she admitted. “If I had to listen to “All Too Well” for another minute I would have gone mad.”

“Or any other Taylor Swift break up song,” Nadia, Atali’s girlfriend, chimed in.

“Guess it was more serious on both their parts than we thought,” Astrid said thoughtfully, setting the boombox down carefully. “I’m happy for them.”

“Ruffnut!” Eret called. “You can turn off the hose now!” The female twin cackled and turned the hose on Fishlegs, who yelped shrilly and tried to run away.

“Help! No - Stop!” he cried, perturbed. Ruffnut just continued to laugh. Heather’s eyes widened as she quickly realized what was about to happen.

“Look out!” she called a second too late as Fishlegs barged into Hiccup and Ruffnut’s hose, which had been following him, sprayed onto everyone. The girls shouted while Hiccup groaned pitifully from underneath Fishlegs. Eret walked over and wrung his hair out onto Heather’s face.

“Eret!” Heather shrieked, outraged. Her boyfriend just laughed. Atali took off towards the house to try to wrestle the hose from Ruffnut while Fishlegs scrambled up and tried to hide behind Tuffnut, who was bent over with laughter. Hiccup wheezed on the ground, not bothering to try to move. Astrid chuckled and helped him up.

“Thanks, milady,” he said gratefully before shaking his head like a dog, spraying water droplets all over her.

“Hey - Argh!” she cried, swatting him away and backing over to Heather.

“What do you say we even this game out?” she murmured. “We brought water guns.” Heather looked askance at her.

“You brought water guns?” she asked. “Why?”

“Have you ever known me to not bring a weapon for every occasion?” Astrid pointed out.

“That’s fair,” Heather acquiesced.

“C’mon,” Astrid grabbed her friend's hand. “We have to get there before Hiccup does!” Heather turned to look at the reunited couple, who was retreating into the house, a dopey smile with just a hint of anxiety on Snotlout's face, and a determined look on Minden's.

"Can you believe this actually worked?" Heather nudged the blonde. She turned to follow her friend's gaze.

"Honestly?” she shrugged, “I'm a little surprised, but I guess it's about time Snotlout finally got a girl."

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