Despite his stern, cold demeanour, I do believe that, at his core, Lord Asriel is an optimist. I mean, to spend your life doggedly pursuing the impossible aim of dethroning actual God, for which the near-first step is blowing holes in the very fabric of the universe, all to usher in a new age that prizes curiosity, love and freedom, must require a considerable amount of confidence and good cheer, even if to many it just looks overblown and arrogant. And so when it comes to his affair with Mrs Coulter, I believe that Asriel really thought until the bitter end that he might win her over and that they might fight for his cause as a team (and if you follow their story until its last beat, he did succeed eventually). He knew that she loved him, that they were formidable together, that her commitment to the Church was megalomaniacal more than it was ideological. So when I consider their early love affair, I imagine that it took a lot for him to truly grasp that their love was not enough, and that she wasn’t going to choose him, even if the cost of that was his livelihood or his life. To me, the moment everything fell apart for him emotionally (and financially, of course) was after Edward’s murder, when he was faced with the miserable truth that even with the obstacle of her husband out of her way, even with her own reputation shattered, even when all he’d done was protect the baby and himself, she still left him to the wolves, walked away, and abandoned the only surviving piece of them to be poisoned and abused by the Church (that’s also, incidentally, how I imagine Lyra’s conception always functioned for him: more than anything, she was a proxy for his and Marisa’s relationship, and so Marisa’s rejection of the baby stung not because he cared deeply for the child, but because it was such a cruel knife in his own side). Before that, he’d been so rich, so privileged, so wilful, that everything and anything could be achieved, and the future looked so brilliant. I think she just crushed his heart to a pulp, and that on some level, he never recovered. Aah, I never get sick of writing about these two. Never!
was talking to my gf about my fear of dying young for being trans and my mom putting my deadname on my gravestone, and she said "i hope that never happens, but if it does, i will carve your name into your grave myself if i have to." and i think theres something extremely raw about that sentiment and trans community in general. you can kill only our bodies, but you cant kill transsexuality
chilchuck going "sorry leave me outta this one. i cant fight" but then hitting literally every precise shot with an arrow or projectile he ever made in the story INCLUDING PIERCING A RED DRAGONS EYE BY THROWING A KNIFE WHILE LEAPING AWAY my bro is a rogue with dex 20 and wants no one to know biggest liar in history