#Klaus would say it straight up delightedly I know he would | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

siswritesyanderes · 3 years

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OK now you made me wanna yandere aro x leah how would their relationship be

Okay, so imagine the same initial set of circumstances as described in the Marcus post, but instead of Marcus sitting up and exhaling peculiarly when Leah is brought in, Aro makes a noise of surely-exaggerated delight, speeds over to Leah, and takes her hand right away. Leah reels and snatches her hand back, like, "Watch it, bloodsucker!" "Apologies, darling Leah," Aro purrs. He doesn't tell her right away that he's fallen in love with her, though Marcus sees his fixation forming and chuckles dryly. "I would like to offer you a place here, among us." "Yeah, I remember; Cullen said you were interested in guard dogs. If you got anything out of that little mind scan you just did, you've probably figured out that you picked exactly the wrong werewolf." (And Caius would start some pedantic argument about whether she's a werewolf or a shapeshifter; skipping all of that.) "Of course, I understand now that you would be the last person to ever fight for us," Aro agrees, amused. His red eyes are sparkling. "I have no intention of asking it of you." "And if this is, or was, a hostage plan, I guess now you know that that won't likely work out, either." (I'm reminded of that scene from season one of Umbrella Academy, where Klaus is being tortured and straight up says that the bad guys screwed up when they picked him, since no one in his family will come looking for him. Like, Leah would be equally cavalier in pointing out that 1. No one will find out she's been captured in any useful length of time, and 2. She doesn't believe anyone would come to save her if they did find out.) "Oh, my poor dear." In contrast with his words and his pitying gaze, Aro is grinning delightedly. Leah glares fearlessly back. "Will you introduce her to Sulpicia?" Marcus asks, to move things along (because he finds Aro's dancing around the matter of his infatuation terribly tedious). "Not just now, brother," Aro says lightly. He knows that Sulpicia will likely have the same feelings for Leah that he does, but he has no particular interest in letting her. He enjoys the idea of loving them both but keeping them separate. "I think dear Leah would like her own quarters. I would, however, like to introduce her to Chelsea." (Internally, Leah is like, Which one is Chelsea again?!) "What's the point?" she demands. "We've established that I'm useless to you. Literally just direct me to the exit." "Now, who ever said you're useless?"

Aro would have Chelsea selectively cut off Leah's outside relationships; he would have her get rid of positive relationships but not negative ones, so Leah still feels the rejection of her first pack and the betrayal of Sam and Emily and the loss of her father, but she doesn't feel (at least on nearly the same level) her sororal bond with Seth or her burgeoning friendship with Jacob or any of that. He also instructs Chelsea to get rid of the animosity between Leah and the Volturi, but to let the animosity between Leah and vampires in general remain. This makes it easier for him to convince her to stay.

She still perceives herself as coerced, so she's still as deliberately high-maintenance as she is in the Marcus scenario, but she has no particular desire to escape, so long as she is treated with respect and allowed her freedom. Aro isn't quite as protective as Marcus, so he lets her go out into the city to enjoy herself; he just has guards follow her at a respectful distance and secretly eat any human she has too strong a rapport with.

Aro will not renounce his human diet for her, and Leah hates it. She takes him to task about it all the time, and he pretty much just lets her get mad because there's a certain novelty to being fussed at by someone over whom he has power. He has Sulpicia to be comforting and pleasant, and Leah is exciting and spirited.

He adores her spirit. He finds her so adorable. Really, her attempts to be inconveniently demanding are almost redundant, because he takes the initiative to spoil her pretty grandly on his own. She can only think to ask for things that she wants in the moment, but he's privvy to everything she's ever wanted; everything she saw in a commercial ten years ago and coveted but didn't ask for. Everything she convinced herself not to want, sour-grapes-style. And he buys her pretty much all of it.

It's not just material gifts, though.

There is a culmination where he manages to abduct Sam and Emily. (Cue that John Mulaney joke: "Do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because he sounds like he sucks, and I will totally kill that guy for you.") He figures that letting her watch them beg for her forgiveness (and their lives) would be good closure. Of course, keeping Sam in check takes some doing, but he has the resources to make sure Sam fears for Emily's safety if he wolfs out.

Leah convinces Aro not to murder her ex and her cousin, and he relents, after touching her hand and determining that she really would be happier if he didn't.

Still, he has Jane walk them out, and she delights in sending them short bursts of pain at random intervals on the way, both because she enjoys hurting people in general and because her devotion to Aro extends to Leah, now, by association. Whenever Leah gets mad at someone who isn't Aro (or Caius or Marcus, though it's never Marcus because Marcus stays out of stuff), Jane gets back at them for her. She's trying to get Leah to like her as much as Aro does. Jane is really a huge kiss-up.

Also, because Aro knows that Leah has at a point been self-conscious about the fact that turning into a wolf has put her reproductive processes on pause (and yes, Meyer expressed this in an unbelievably horrible way), there is a non-zero chance that he steals a baby for her, like, "Are you interested in this at all? Because Felix ate its parents, anyway, so you may as well keep it."

#yandere twilight #yandere aro volturi #leah clearwater #aro/leah #male yandere #obsession #jane volturi #kidnapping

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singtotheskiies · 3 years

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not quite what i planned // teen!ben hargreeves x reader hcs

request (by anon): Got any H/Cs for getting caught under the mistletoe with Ben (Alive!Ben AU)?

a/n: do i??? dO I?????? u better believe i do😉😉

- while life in the umbrella academy is full of unknowns and weird happenings, there’s one thing that can always be counted on:

- klaus is an incorrigible little shit

- you all love him, yeah, but he’s always up to his neck in some sort of mischief

- however—

- ben is desperate

- if he goes another month hiding all these ridiculously strong feelings for you, he’s going to go feral

- so he goes to klaus for help

- “let me get this straight, benny boy. you want to impart some holiday cheer to y/n by getting them under the mistletoe and smoochin’ ‘em senseless?”

- “not in that—exact wording?”

- “never fear, brother dear”

- klaus is literally the personification of the wink emoji as ben is detailing his (admittedly pretty shoddy) plan

- “i’m thinking it has to be either sometime after lights out or when dad is training one of the others,” ben says. “otherwise we’re gonna get caught.”

- so they look at the training schedule

- (which, by the way, is covered in phrases like ‘close-range knife combat’ and ‘spatial mathematics’ in bright, childish fonts)

- and they determine that there’s going to be a window of time right before dinner on december 23rd where you, ben, klaus, and vanya will all be free

- vanya usually practices before supper because grace loves to hum along to her music, which will leave the three of you open to ben’s plan

- (vanya/grace appreciation hours)

- as the day approaches, ben gets more and more antsy around you

- he’s all nervous giggles and not-so-subtle blushing

- (klaus winking and wiggling his eyebrows at the two of you during mealtimes definitely doesn’t help his case)

- reginald: “number four, either cease your facial twitching or leave the table”

- you’ve definitely picked up that something is going on, but you think it’s cute and therefore don’t say anything

- time passes, etc—

- AND THEN.

- THE DAY IS HERE.

- ben swears he’s going to shit himself when the evening comes around

- he can’t stop fidgeting and going over the plan with klaus

- “for the eighty-sixth time, yes, i will bring her from her room and then go on my merry way so you two have your alone time”

- (klaus probably has a bruise on his arm from ben gripping it in fear)

- finally, it’s time, and as klaus leaves to go get you, ben paces the floor of his room, wringing his hands and trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach

- (or should i say: interdimensional tentacles)

- when he hears footsteps and your and klaus’ voices giggling together, he freezes before assuming the coolest position he can against his doorframe

- “and here you are,” klaus says, nearly bursting with joy as he brings you outside ben’s door

- ben’s heart kinda just

- stops

- you smile at him before asking “what’s up?”

- “uh, n-nothing; just wondered if you wanted to hang out a little bit, y’know?”

- “sure,” you giggle, and klaus gives ben a thumbs-up behind your back before sauntering away

- you and ben talk for a few minutes, and he can feel himself drifting from the conversation a bit as he thinks about when the best moment would be

- his eyes drift to the door and his heart stops

- they forgot to hang the fucking mistletoe.

- it’s still in klaus’ pocket.

- he instantly panics, making a lame excuse of having to go to the bathroom before rushing out of the room

- klaus is, of course, right outside the door

- ben nearly runs into him, but sighs in relief

- he can’t bring himself to be angry with him because he’s just the man he needs to see

- whispering as calmly as possible, they quickly devise a plan where ben will distract you while klaus finds some tape to remedy their issue

- klaus is a bit long in carrying out his mission, but it gets done

- as soon as ben sees that the mistletoe is hung and klaus is out of sight, he shows you across the room to presumably look at something on his desk

- he tries—really tries—to be cool about it

- “oh, uh—what’s that?” *points upward with a shaky hand*

- he watches your face anxiously, and sees a slow smile spread across it

- nervous smiling boy!!!

- “guess we know what to do,” you say, and reach up to softly touch your lips to his

- cutest nervous giggle you’ve ever heard

- it’s cut off by his stomach rumbling in some sort of primitive reaction to what just happened

- his eyes go wide in embarrassment, but you just laugh

- “merry christmas, ben,” you say as you pull him back in

- klaus claps delightedly to himself outside the room

- and all is well:))

#ben hargreeves x reader #ben hargreeves #ben hargreeves imagine #ben hargreeves headcanons #tua #the umbrella academy #tua x reader #tua imagine #klaus hargreeves #imagine #fluff #headcanons #christmas #christmas fic

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lochrannn · 3 years

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Fanfic: Premiere Threads

Read on AO3

Thanks @pepperf for the prompt “You look amazing tonight”!

I also snuck in “Dance with me.” which came in with a choice of prompts from @ohrackham. Thanks as well!

Summary:

The Hargreeves + Lila head to LA for a film premiere.

Low-level hijinks ensue.

Lila gets off her plane at LAX after sitting in the damn metal tube for nearly eight hours. It was only supposed to be a six hour flight but they were delayed on the runway and sat around for nearly an hour with nothing happening. Lila will admit that she's not the most patient of people at the best of times and she had got used to travelling by briefcase, taking her anywhere in an instant. On top of that, she is just absolutely over the vastness of this country. Having to fly six hours to get from one coast to the other is just excessive.

Yeah, she's not in the best of moods when she lifts her heavy bag and then her rolling suitcase off the luggage belt, but does take a little bit of satisfaction from the fact she accidentally (no really, she didn't mean to) hits the guy who roughly pushed past her to get to the belt first in the knee with the corner of her suitcase.

It doesn't take Lila too long to get from baggage collection to the arrival terminal and when she walks out through the sliding doors, she's a little surprised that she can't spot Diego right away waiting for her.

She'd texted him about the delay and he had her flight number, so she wonders why he's not around yet, she doubts he'd be willing to spend any more time than necessary in an airport. In fact, knowing that, she'd told him it wouldn't be necessary for him to pick her up, she could just got a taxi to their hotel, but he had insisted again when she talked to him on the phone yesterday.

He has been in a weird mood these past few days and with the upcoming premiere of the widely anticipated documentary about The Umbrella Academy, she can understand why.

Diego flew out to LA together with Klaus a few days before Lila as she had a job to finish up, but Klaus and Diego wanted some time to spend with Allison and Claire as they've become deeply fond of their little niece.

Luther, Vanya, and Five are scheduled to arrive tomorrow only just making it in time for the premiere. Vanya is tied up with some orchestra thing and both Luther and Five offered to travel with her. Lila was relieved that nobody asked why she wouldn't travel with the others. She loves her new family, she really does, but being trapped on a plain with all of them and having to go through airports and security checks with the three oddballs would have tested her admittedly limited patience a little too much.

As she's annoyingly too short to effectively look over the crowd that's caused a throng just outside the arrivals door, she starts to wander about weaving past hugging families and drivers with signs held up for their clients, and finally spots Diego sitting on a chair at the side of the hall.

She immediately notices three things about him. The first are the large, square, plastic-y orange rimmed sunglasses, which absolutely clash with the grey t-shirt and black jeans he's wearing. The second are the people with him; Klaus on the outside lounging in his chair, also wearing sunglasses, between the two brothers someone who can only be Allison, also in sunglasses, but the actress has apparently wisely decided to make herself as unrecognisable as possible and is wearing a big sweatshirt with a hood up over her head. The third thing Lila notices are the large take-away coffee cups they're all holding and she comes to the conclusion that they must be desperately hung-over.

The three of them spot her before she gets to them and get up, throw away their cups, while Klaus picks up a take-away tray with what must be a fourth coffee they got for Lila, and start making their way over to her. That's when she notices the thing she should have probably spotted right away.

There's an obvious difference to Diego and she feels her jaw drop a little when she notices. He's a little unkempt and his usual designer stubble could do with some tidying up, but all that is inconsequential compared to the glinting flashes that catch her eye on both his earlobes.

He's wearing earrings.

She's about to comment on that, but then she's swallowed up in their madness.

Allison and Klaus are arguing good-naturedly as they come up to her. Allison takes the rolling suitcase from Lila, Diego takes her bag and swings it over his shoulder before heavily putting his free arm around her shoulders and tucking her into his side, while Klaus takes one of her now free hands, kisses it dramatically and then fills it with the remaining cardboard coffee cup.

All the while they do not stop squabbling to properly greet her, instead Diego has now got involved, siding with whoever he seems to think is winning.

“Long night?” she eventually directs at Diego, as the four of them make their way out to the taxi rank.

“Ugh, don't ask!” Diego answers with an exasperated chuckle.

“No, I'm definitely going to!” Lila counters with a pointed look at the side of his head.

“Fair,” Diego says as he lets go of her to put her bag in the taxi they've caught.

Once all her luggage is in the boot, they squeeze into the cab, Diego, Allison and herself on the back bench and Klaus in the front next to the driver.

Allison calls out an address that sounds vaguely familiar to Lila and they drive off.

“Where are we headed?” she asks no one in particular.

“My place,” Allison answers and then Diego adds, “All my stuff is still there.”

Lila nods at that and is about to say something else, when Klaus turns around in his seat and looks at her with a sly smirk, eyes peaking over the rim of his shades, and says teasingly, “So you're not gonna ask about the...?”, he flicks his own earlobe by way of explanation, and then waggles his eyebrows at Diego.

“Why? 's anything different?” Lila deadpans and hears Diego huff next to her, though whether it's in amusement or indignation she's not quite sure.

“Aw, we thought you'd have at least some opinion on the makeover we gave Crocodile Dundee over here. He's been fidgety all morning, wondering what you'll make of it!” Klaus almost whines and earns himself a grumbled “Fuck off, Klaus!” from Diego, “I think he looks dashing. Like a pirate!” Klaus chuckles and earns himself a more emphatic, “Fuck off, Klaus!” and “Leave him alone!” from Allison.

Lila decides that, firstly, there's no point in even attempting to match their energy, so she lets go of the idea and relaxes a little at the thought that she can just let herself be swept along as she's far too tired to come up with a better plan herself, and secondly, she's going to ask the only halfway rational adult in this cab, bar herself and hopefully the driver, to explain the situation. So she turns to Allison and asks, “You gave him the earring?”

Allison takes off her sunglasses, revealing dark shadows under her eyes, and Lila ends up feeling sympathetic even though she knows that tired look is very much self-inflicted.

“I know I shouldn't say this but he was asking for it. Like actually, literally!” Allison begins explaining with an exasperated sigh. “He said he'd always wanted earrings, that the only thing holding him back was his fear of needles, and we were pretty drunk already and you know Diego, he's a lightweight, so when he passed out on the couch, we thought we'd do him a favor...” she trails off a little sheepishly.

“All we needed was alcohol and some ice, which we had plenty of, a needle, and a potato!” Klaus counted off the items on his fingers with a flourish.

“That sounds unsanitary,” was all Lila could think to say.

“You're one to talk,” Diego finally piped up, “you cauterized my stab wound with a soldering iron and then rode me the next day...” but he doesn't get much further as he is interrupted by Lila slapping him in the chest, Allison mumbling “gross” and Klaus cackling delightedly.

“So this is how a bunch of unsupervised thirty-two year olds behave?” Lila asks the occupants of the cab at large, mostly to steer the conversation away from her sex life, to which Allison corrects her “I'm thirty-four.” and Klaus chimes in more or less at the same time, “I'm thirty-six, actually!”

“Great roll models to your little brother, then,” Lila teases with a big grin and pointedly ignores Diego's indignant “Hey!”.

They spend the rest of the taxi ride with much the same amount of back and forth arguing, but somewhere within that is Diego's explanation that really he'd always wanted to get earrings but went for his piercing first as any kind of jewelry outside of a uniform would not have fit police academy regulation and then he had never got up the courage to go anywhere close to a needle again. He hardly wants to admit it, but he is apparently kind of grateful to his siblings for taking matters into their own hands.

Lila takes this information in in her stride. It's his body and the earrings suit him, so she tells him as much and has mixed feelings about the way he visibly relaxes next to her when she says that. It has it's perks that he's so desperate for her approval, but sometimes it makes her a little concerned.

They end up having lunch delivered at Allison's and by late afternoon everybody is exhausted, so Lila and Diego take their luggage and get a taxi to the hotel Diego was meant to check in to three days ago, but he had ended up crashing with his sister instead. Lila hopes they will have a room available.

They do, and the two of them barely manage to drop their bags on the floor before they tumble on to the bed, not even bothering to pull back the sheets, only stripping off the top cover that Lila is always a little suspicious of in hotels, and falling asleep fully dressed.

----

The next day is mostly a whirl and Lila is glad that herself and Diego basically only had a quiet dinner the night before after their nap and then went straight back to bed, as she thinks they would be having a hell of a shitty time if they'd been sleep-deprived.

It's not that the day isn't enjoyable, it's just a lot.

Luther, Vanya, and Five arrive in LA and the siblings all congregate at Allison's.

Lila is fascinated to see the amount of work that goes into just maintaining a brand for something as simple as a documentary premiere, as there are also half a dozen professional make-up artists and stylists on the scene who are wrangling the Hargreeves siblings with impressive authority. Lila is offered a very elaborate evening gown but decides on a colourful mini-dress with high neckline and exposed shoulders, and by the time they head out to the theatre where the premiere and a subsequent Q+A session is going to take place – they've decided that only Allison, Vanya, and Klaus should be involved in that, as Luther would feel to awkward up on stage, Diego had to admit that he was quite certain he wouldn't get a word out anyway, and Five wasn't part of the film as he is still officially missing – they are all dressed to the nines.

At the afterparty there's still press milling around and some photographers get the Hargreeves sans Five lined up to take a bunch of pictures while Lila and Five watch from a bit of a distance.

“You feel left out, little man?” Lila asks Five.

He looks at her pointedly and then back at his siblings being arranged into good poses by Allison and unconvincingly says, “Not really.” Then he turns back to Lila and asks her, “Do you?”

“Nah,” she replies with the same lack of conviction Five had managed. Then she picks up her whiskey soda and switches it with the ginger ale that's in front of Five, as she knows he hasn't been able to get anything more boozy than apple cider – a non-alcoholic drink in this part of the world, Lila has learnt from an irate Five when she didn't quite understand his complaint – and receives a grateful nod from Five for her efforts.

Before he can even take a sip, they are called over by Allison, who explains that she's wrangled one of the photographers who she has a good working relationship with into taking pictures of all of them – not to publish, just for their own use.

Lila squeezes in between Allison and Klaus and doesn't mind that Five subsequently squeezes in between Klaus and herself. They've come a long way from trying to tear each other to shreds in the sixties.

When they finally disperse to go enjoy the party, Lila feels a hand wrap around her arm and Diego whisper in her ear, his breath ghosting over her exposed shoulder, “Dance with me.”

She doesn't answer, instead she takes his hand and pulls him along to the small dance floor near the DJ. She swivels around and lets herself be pulled in close by Diego and they start dancing to the lively music.

When she gets a chance, she leans close to his ear and tries not to shout, but says loud enough to be heard over the music, “You look amazing tonight!”

And he does. He's wearing a terra-cotta coloured suit with a white vest underneath and Lila really likes the changeup from his usual blacks and greys. But her favourite detail is the heavy chain that one of the stylists, in a stroke of genius, got Diego to put around his neck, and the combination of the vest's low neck-line exposing his chest hair and the cold metal is really doing a number on her sanity.

“Yeah?” Diego asks a little breathlessly. She barely hears him, rather guesses what he says from his open and slightly bashful expression.

She nods at him with a smile, then wraps her fingers around the chain and uses it to pull his face down towards hers and kisses him soundly.

When she pulls away there's a hungry look in his eyes and so Lila decides to make things worse by pulling on the chain a little harder now so she can get to Diego's ear without having to get up on tip-toes, and says evenly, “I think I could get quite the good use out of this,” and jerks the chain once more for emphasis.

To her delight her antics get the desired response as Diego growls at her words, bites her lightly on the jaw, which makes Lila yelp, and then surprises her by dipping her deeply, and with his nose touching hers, says in a low rumble that sends a shiver down Lila's spine, “You should know better, babe, than to say shit like that if you're not going to follow through with it!”

To Lila's annoyance he doesn't kiss her but rather pulls her back upright and spins her out, and Lila's reminded that they're technically still dancing. When she comes back close to him she drags a finger down his chest and says into his ear in the most sultry voice she can manage, “Oh, I'll follow through with it, don't you worry!”

They spend the rest of the night dancing and flirting with each other and drinking with the rest of the Hargreeves.

And when they get back to their hotel room, Lila makes good on her promise.

#fanfic #the umbrella academy #tua #lila pitts #diego hargreeves #diellila #liego #diego x lila #diego/lila #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves

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in-tua-deep · 5 years

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I have seen some fics of Five going to high school (and often falling in love with a 13 y/o oc girl which icks me tf out bc that’s an old man, guys) to socialize which gave me the idea of Five befriending old people who are also physically old. For example, Hannah, the German lady in her 80s who poisoned nazis when she was a child. Then there’s Joan who spent his life fighting to achieve his goals despite having to deal with near-constant racism. Just. Five getting along with all these old ppl

you’re RIGHT and consider: Klaus decides it’s a good idea to take Five along to his weekly ladies over fifty stitch ‘n bitch and is surprised and delighted to find that Five actually genuinely gets along with all of them

there is, of course, Hannah who poisoned Nazis and her and five trade poisoning methods the way other people might trade coveted family recipes. Hannah declares Five to be a “nice young man” and the fact that she is in her 80s or 90s means that she is absolutely allowed to get away with it

Fiona is a 60something butch lesbian who proudly displays her mugshots along the walls of her house for everyone to gaze upon in awe when it’s her turn to host. Her wife, Mandy, always makes snickerdoodle cookies and fondly talks about the time her and “Fee” got arrested because Fee kicked a cop in the balls or something.

Doris was an army nurse during her youth and can curse well enough to make a sailor blush and has the bawdiest sense of humor to match. She spends most of her time knitting baby socks and hats to donate and volunteers at a community center where she sneaks food to any hungry teens who have all adopted her as their odd aunt.

Nada immigrated in her teens with her parents and has had to deal with Islamophobia her entire life. She wears a khimār that she knitted herself and laughs when Five genuinely offers to kill any assholes who harass her. Instead, she starts teaching him Arabic since her own grandchildren unfortunately do not speak it

Edith was trans before anybody even knew what that meant and she teaches Five patterns for interesting dresses and fancy sweaters since Five expresses some interest in diversifying his wardrobe (Five personally stands by the fact that skirts and dresses are the best because!! if you lift up front you have INSTANT POCKET/BAG which was very useful in the apocalypse!! of course now his family protest about him flashing underwear or whatever. Edith just introduces him to wearing leggings under and calls it a day)

Kathy killed her first husband and everyone knows it even if she was never convicted. She spends her days volunteering at centers for domestic violence and working with abused women and children. She tells Klaus and Five quite plainly that if Reginald were still alive she would kill him, and they laugh but they absolutely believe her. Five sincerely tells her he would kill her husband if he were still alive as well, and Kathy grins and winks and says she beat him to that one

and all the others. Sally who worked customer service her whole life and lived to tell the tale. Ruby who was widowed young and raised four kids by herself. Alice who is deaf and signs slowly because her parents thought she needed speech therapy to appear normal more than she needed an actual way to communicate. Becca was a teen during the civil rights movement and witnessed schools being desegregated, and is quick to remind everyone that it wasn’t as long ago as they think - she remembers the white kids jeering and the protests like it was yesterday. Susan’s husband died in the Vietnam war and she is very quiet when she finds out that he was in Klaus’s unit.

A rotating cast of women with vibrant and brilliant and unique lives who parade through. Some are fixtures, some come when they’re able which isn’t often, some only pop in on the rare occasion when the planets align.

“Go get the salsa dip, Five.” Kathy orders.

“Why do I always have to fetch everything.” Five complains, even as he stands up.

“Because you can teleport.” Kathy says with a shrug, “If I could teleport then it would be me going to get the salsa, wouldn’t it?”

Five goes and gets the damn salsa.

One time a new woman is very confused and asks about Klaus and Five’s presence at the Women’s 50 and over knitting club (“It’s the stitch ‘n bitch,” Klaus mutters under his breath and is ignored) and everyone just kind of shrugs.

“Women and nonbinary old person support and knitting group?” Edith suggests but everyone agrees that that’s a bit of a mouthful.

“But they’re too young?” The new woman asks again, helplessly.

“Actually Klaus fought with my husband in the Vietnam war.” Susan interjects cheerfully before Klaus can start his theatrics, passing the oatmeal raisin cookies to Hannah who is cackling delightedly, “And Five assassinated President Kennedy, I think.”

“Allegedly assassinated President Kennedy.” Five corrects with a flourish of his knitting needles as Kathy nods in approval.

“Oh.” The new woman says, faintly. “Oh, I think I need to sit down.”

“Don’t worry, dear.” Sally comforts, “It’s only that family which doesn’t make sense. You can probably count on the rest of the world to be at least a little bit sensible.”

“I find it offensive that no one here thinks I’m not too young to be here.” Becca interjects and that sets everyone off laughing and falling over themselves to assure her that she’s as pretty as a picture and fresh as a daisy

i’m having a lot of fun with this as you might be able to tell. Just. Five and Klaus joining in old people things because Five IS old and Klaus fought in the vietnam war so you bet your ass he is demanding the senior citizen discount at restaurants

i feel like Agnes should join the group after her romantic tour of bird sanctuaries with Hazel. Hazel himself is not sure how to feel about Klaus and Five being in the same knitting club as his girlfriend but Agnes is clearly having fun and she makes homemade doughnuts for meetings which means the club isn’t letting go of her voluntarily anyway

AND THEN YEAH i always loved the concept of Klaus meeting up with some of the guys from his old unit and all of them just being kind of like “ah klaus you fucker i never actually took you seriously about the time travel shit i just thought you were on some serious drugs” and immediately just adopt klaus back into the fold

and i mean five is also a soldier in a low of ways so i feel like he would also really fit in with their gallows humor and serious knowledge of weapons. Of course, both Klaus and Five also look young enough to be their grandchildren so they also highkey just straight up adopt them and are fully willing to loom ominously at anyone who bothers them

the hargreeves go to pride and Klaus is like “oh I’m meeting up with some friends as well :)” and the others assume they’re like. party friends he made or ex boyfriends or something and then this big gang of old war vets materialize from the crowd decked out in rainbows bc they do this every year - originally in honor of Klaus and Dave but now klaus is again so Time To Party B)

Five “volunteers” in a nursing home and all the staff think he’s adorable and precocious but actually he complains about technology and reminisces about the great depression and beats the occupants at checkers as he and his opponent trade stories about which joint and bones they can feel storms coming in

just AGE APPROPRIATE FRIENDS

#ask me #stelte23 #you - i like you #i agree that five should not be paired with any teen ever #where's that one gif of the vampire dude being like 'people are like what's what young thing doing with that thousands of years old vampire'#with his 80 yr old gf #far tua long #tua #the umbrella academy #five hargreeves #number five #klaus hargreeves #i had too much fun with this as you can probably tell #klaus is technically only 30 including his year away #but the club handwaves that away #he's the only one they made an exception for #can i admit that the 'ladies over 50 stitch and bitch' is actually a concept from a different drabble i wrote in class today #bc of something my prof said #so i guess that drabble is a prequel to this yelling bc that's pre five being persuaded to go

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spikeymarshmallows · 4 years

Text

alright bitches, saddle up. it’s headcanon-ing time.

inspired by this post.

Specifically this section:

The standard urban fantasy female protagonist dating a werewolf who is not an alpha. Bonus points for it being a cute beta werewolfess who thinks her girlfriend’s perpetual posturing as the ‘baddest bitch on the block’™ is the most adorable thing ever. Extra bonus points for fuzzy baby werewolves and adopted babies. (Because actual wolf packs? Exist to raise children. They’re family units, focused around rearing cubs.)

#werewolves #queer wolves #werewolves as the foster parents of the supernatural world #if there’s a kid so much as sniffling in their general vicinity they’re going to get adopted #the fae discovered that they could straight-up hand off changlings to werewolf packs #no deception needed #magic using children of mundane parents who can’t handle it? #every pack has a dozen of them #fic ideas

okay this is one of the cutest reblogs I’ve gotten. imagine it werewolves just going YES FAMILY GOOD and adopting everyone and making sure they get attention and food and understand that it’s fine to be who you are and that you’re not alone, you’re pack now

Okay, I tried to do the Tumblr aesthetic thing, but it turns out, it takes more effort for me *not* to use capital letters, so fuck that.

Okay, but just imagine. The kids are all 13. Five has not yet fucked off into ye olde apocalypse. Reginald has caught Klaus wearing eyeliner and dancing around in one of Vanya’s skirts, because Allison rumoured him into doing 300 pushups last time he was caught in hers, and Vanya has no spine. So Reggie’s just shoved Klaus in the mausoleum, and as soon as he’s been let go, a sobbing Klaus sneaks out of the house.

He’s hiding in the alley outside the house, one of many probably, and is crouched on the ground, sniffing wetly and wiping furiously at his eyes. The eyeliner is long since smudged, but it’s stuck around because, hey, it’s not waterproof but it’s that shitty 90′s eyeliner that takes an insane amount of effort to get off. And he’s rolling a joint, but his hands are shaking.

And this queer werewolf couple happen to be walking by, and super-hearing etc etc, hear a kid crying.

And one of them is all “CHILD. CRYING. MUST PROTECT”.

“Maggie, ffs, you can’t just walk up to strange children and adopt them” “WATCH ME”.

And so this lovely werewolf couple, who are young, and haven’t been able to have kids of their own yet (but have a lovely pack back home) go and talk to a crying Klaus.

And Reginald has taught the kids loads of useless shit, but teaching them stranger danger? Nahhhh son. Sure, Klaus could put up a good fight, but why would he want to fight this nice couple?

And so, through tears, Klaus talks to them, and Maggie is like, looking up at her partner, Sofia, with these big earnest eyes. Because Sofia was like this, trapped with a shitty family who wouldn’t accept her for who she was. And Maggie is like “CAN WE ADOPT HIM” and Sofia is “...you can’t just take a kid off the street and adopt him” except Maggie basically did it to Sofia when they were both seventeen, so it’s not an effective argument.

And Klaus is crouched there, still in his damn skirt, his knees all bruised and filthy from being in the mausoleum, and his hands are grimy and a little bloody, and he can’t fucking roll this joint, and Sofia is just “he’s thirteen and smoking weed? THIS CAN NOT GO ON. MUST. PROTECT.”

And god, it does not at all take much convincing to come home with them except--

“I can’t leave without my favourite brothers 🥺“

Cue Klaus racing inside, trying to grab Ben and Diego to drag them off to his new family. And honestly, they’re not that hard to convince to leave either although they wonder if Klaus has lost the fucking plot, because he’s rambling and raving and not entirely making sense and he’s filthy and--well, he’s Klaus.

But Luther is very “No, we cannot split the team up >:(” and Klaus is just “Okay. Come with us, dipshit.”

And where Luther goes, Allison follows. That said, Allison had been listening from her room and is intrigued at the idea of an adventure.

And Five, who thinks they’re all a bunch of idiots, is just... “Ugh, I’m coming with because it’s me who will need to get you out of trouble when you inevitably land in it”.

And Five (and Ben) don’t like to leave Vanya out, so as soon as she’s back from her violin practice, they sneak her out too.

And that’s the story of how this lovely queer werewolf couple went on an afternoon stroll and adopted seven kids.

Because, hear me out if you’ve made it this far....

It’s initially a bit weird. The kids are used to competing for love and attention, for any skeric of a compliment. There are tiffs, really fucking fast. And Mom’s are like “Kids, this isn’t good pack behaviour”.

Luther’s ears pricking up because... “...does... does this mean we get to do Pack Bonding????”

Yes it does.

There’s no competitions here! Not any more than friendly ones, anyway. No competing for attention or love. It’s just lavished upon them because there’s a pack! Lots of parents!

Imagine one of pack members taking Luther outside to study the night sky, and teaching him all about moon cycles, and different stars and constellations. Some of these werewolves are as strong as him too, and he can spar without having to hold back!

Imagine some pack members saying “hey, Diego, let’s see who’s the fastest!” and Diego just *heavy breathing*. And of course, they let him win, but not in an obvious way. Just slowly building this kids confidence up, piece by piece. They don’t care about his stutter, and they show him love in loads of cuddles, and he learns to howl at the moon.

Allison is just... sisters. She’s always liked being the centre of attention, and so it’s an adjustment to be here with so many others. But she still gets attention. She’s shown that she doesn’t need to hold the limelight to be loved and valued and cared about. She doesn’t need to Rumour anyone because her opinions are actually allowed to be listened to. Why Rumour someone when she can just state why she wants to do something, and it’ll probably be allowed.

And they got to Klaus before his addiction spiralled out of control. They take him through graveyards during the day, not to make him control his powers, but to show him that he's never alone when facing his demons. Maybe they take him to a family crypt or something and introduce him to great grandmas and shit like that. It's hard to be scared of the dark and of demons when your parents run through the forests and howl at the moon and you have friendly ghosts on your team to talk to you when things get hard.

Some pack members are super smart, and for the first time, Five isn’t the smartest in the room. He weirdly relishes it. His thoughts and opinions and desires are listened to as well, and whenever he’s told no, he actually listens to why that is. Instead of treating him like a little asshole, they encourage his love of learning.

And then there’s Ben... Werewolf Parents: Now, Ben, we all have difficult things inside of us to control. Let's work on that and, also, on loving that beast inside us. 😌 Ben learns to control the Horror and it becomes like a giant swing and like, all the pack kids wanna be swung around by the Horror.... Cue pictures of the Horror with little ribbons wrapped around its tips or some bizarre and soft shit like that.

And finally, Vanya. Vanya, who is still Ordinary, at least at first. The Pack doesn’t mind her being on her meds, and don’t mind that she’s quiet and ordinary. There are other humans in the pack too! And they all love listening to Vanya play... Even when she’s just practicing, she usually ends up with a few people sitting there, delightedly listening in. And as time goes on, she thinks “hmm, maybe I don’t need these things for my nerves anymore... Maybe... Maybe I will be okay without them?” and Mom’s are like “well, there’s no problem if you need to go back on them, but if you want to try, we support you : )” And RUH ROH, there are powers??? HOLY SHIT. She’s mad as fuck, but instead of it being disastrous, she has loads of love and support. Like Ben, like al of the siblings, she has people there to help her learn how to manage her powers, and her emotions.

The kids are just totally loved upon and cherished and have someone there for them all the time.

And let’s not even get started on pack cuddles. actually, no, let’s.

Reggie used to be a real cunt about the kids and their need for contact. I mean, sure, they still tried to sneak into each others rooms for platonic cuddles all the time, but they sure as hell paid for it. And now?? Now, they can cuddle as much as they fucking want. Oh, Ben, Diego and Klaus wanna snuggle together every night? No worries, kids! We’re just gonna get you all a bigger bed and we can turn one of the bedrooms into a study or something. And slowly, there are just... entire pack cuddles. Allison has a bad day, and Klaus tugs her into the pile. And Luther sees and... Snuggles up behind her. Vanya, who is getting better at not being left out, who is more confident in herself, doesn’t fight when Allison brings her in. And Five? Five pretends he’s only there for Vanya, but they all know it’s a lie.

But they don’t call him on it.

Anyway. I’m just very here for a nice pack of werewolves adopting my babies, and them growing up happy and well-adjusted, and loved, and-----*record screeches to a halt*

DIEGO LOVES HIS NEW MOMS. BUT HE MISSES GRACE SO MUCH T.T

....So the Umbrella Academy band together for one final mission: to Mom-nap Grace.

It’s all very dramatic. I haven’t seen Spy Kids since I was, what, 13, but I’m gonna pretend it’s like that. They Mom-nap Mom, and she goes happily because she’s missed her babies and she gets to join the snuggle pile too. She loves helping out her new family too! And she learns new recipes and shares some of her own! Mom is happy too because LET GRACE BE HAPPY.

Anyway, they grow up happy, and well-adjusted.

And still as incestuous as fuck.

Like, that still happens in every universe.

And the wolf pack are like *chinhands* because like. Whatever.

/END

#spikey headcanons #long post #hmmmm not gonna tag it on the original...

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lochrannn · 3 years

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Warnings: Sexual Content (M Rating)

Characters: Lila Pitts; Diego Hargreeves; Allison Hargreeves; Klaus Hargreeves; Hargreeves Siblings (background)

Relationship: Lila Pitts/Diego Hargreeves

Roommates AU; Fake Marriage; Slow Burn; Mutual Pining; Emotional H/C

Chapter 4/?

Of course it’s been something that, at the very back of her mind, has been causing her no small amount of stress, but Lila has been doing a very good job of just completely ignoring the topic. Only, when her co-worker Nandi, a med student from South Africa, asks Lila how much longer she’ll be staying in the country, now that she’s dropped out of her degree, does it fully register with her that her student visa has expired and she’s into the last three weeks of her grace period. After that, she’ll be in the country illegally.

Lila smiles at Nandi brightly and tells her that she’s not made a decision yet and that she’s looking at a couple of options.

On her break she goes out into the alley and bums a smoke off one of the teenage busboys who seems to be working at the restaurant that’s right next to her café, even though she’s not had a cigarette in years, and contemplates what to do.

And predictably she comes up short.

So after her shift ends, she heads to the public library and finds several volumes on immigration law for research, because she doesn’t want to ask one of the librarians.

After an hour of frustratedly thumbing through the books, the only short term solution she has found is to get married to a citizen.

She’s back at square one with no idea what to do, when she leaves her books on the collection cart and heads out into the rainy evening.

By the time she walks in through the door, she’s not sure if she’s just breezed straight through panic and worry or whether she’s just too numb to feel it, but at the smell of cooking food, she immediately follows the aromas to the kitchen and for a moment gets distracted at the door by the sight of Diego gently stirring something on the stove.

Apparently sensing her arrival, Diego twists around to look at her and says, “Oh hey, I didn’t hear you come in.”

Lila drags her eyes up to meet his and belatedly realises that she’s unabashedly been staring at his arse in a pair of perfectly fitted jeans.

“Uh…” she says dumbly.

Somehow she’s got so used to him not being around over the last few days that coming home to someone in the flat is completely throwing her for a loop.

“I’m making gorditas,” Diego says, having turned back to stirring and making idle conversation, “d’you want some?”

When she doesn’t answer right away, still dealing with the whiplash of her day, Diego turns back around and asks, “Hey, you ok?”

Lila scrambles for an answer and, trying to avoid telling Diego that the sight of him all sexily making food has made all the thoughts in her brain combust, she accidentally lands on the other truth and blurts, “Yeah, uh, fine… just dealing with some visa troubles!”

Diego’s expression turns into one of such genuine concern that Lila instantly regrets being the cause of that.

“Ah shit! That sucks,” he says. “Anything I can help you with?”

Lila snorts loudly, “Thanks, but I doubt there’s anything you could do… short of marrying me,” she adds in a sarcastic tone.

There’s a beat where Diego looks at her with a completely blank expression and she knows it’s not the cooking that suddenly makes the temperature in the small kitchen go up a couple of notches. Then he makes a face that’s half smirk and half shy smile and something behind Lila’s ribs cracks at the sight and she hopes she never has to see it again, because she hasn’t the foggiest idea how to respond to it.

“Ha! Yeah,” Diego says then, pointing at her with his spatula and then turns back to the stove again.

“So, uh, d’you want some?” he asks, with a strained kind of casualness, not actually looking at her, and this time Lila is quicker to answer, “Yeah… yes, thanks! I’ll just go get out of my work clothes!”

Lila hurries into her room and then leans against the closed door for a moment. What the fuck is wrong with her? Only a few days ago, she was accusing Diego of being weird and now she’s joking about getting married. This is ridiculous!

She pushes off from the door and begins taking off her work clothes to change into something more comfortable.

Lila’s only justification for her odd behaviour is that she really is stressed out by the idea of having to leave the country. It’s not like she couldn’t start out again somewhere else, Australia maybe, the main thing is, she knows she can’t go back to England, too many bad memories there, but she just doesn’t want to.

She’s been floating about her whole life, and even though what she has going on right now isn’t exactly conventional, to her it feels like a respite. Maybe it won’t be permanent, but here in this city, with her job, and her flat, she’s been feeling significantly more settled than she has in a while and she doesn’t want to have to give that up so soon.

If only she could just marry Diego…

Is that really such an insane solution? Lila thinks to herself, while pulling on a pair of leggings.

She would pay him, of course, and she knows he needs the money. It’s a terribly weird thing to ask your landlord/recent lover/friend but Lila just cannot conceptualise any other solution. And he’s been remarkably patient with her antics over the last few days, maybe he’s actually a lot more relaxed about this sort of thing than she thinks. She can at least make the offer, worst case scenario they go back to being awkward around each other for a few days and she’s sure they’ll be back to normal in no time at all.

Lila makes her way back towards the kitchen and finds Diego already in the process of piling food onto the small table that barely has any room in the first place.

There’s a plate with little flat and round doughy things and a few dishes with different steaming fillings in them. There’s a decidedly spicy smell in the air and Lila can’t help the way her mouth starts watering.

“Yo, don’t just stand there, take a seat!” Diego says with a chuckle and Lila heads straight for the table and says with a laugh of her own, “Don’t have to tell me twice! Fuck that smells amazing! Did you make all of this yourself?”

“Uh, some of the fillings are made up of leftover takeout from the last couple of days,” Diego answers with a bit of a bashful shrug as he sits down across from her and shuffles around some of the dishes so he can squeeze one more onto the table, “but I made the gorditas and added some shit to the fillings,” he amends a bit more confidently.

Lila takes one of the little dough pockets and immediately starts spooning in different salsas and pastes. She doesn’t ask what’s in them, just picks up the dishes and gives them a sniff to decide which ones she wants.

“Mmmm!” she hums almost desperately when she takes her first bite. She looks up at Diego who is looking back at her with a glint in his eyes and chewing delightedly on his own food.

“Fuck, this is good!” Lila says, rudely not even having swallowed all of her mouthful.

“I know, right!” Diego answers with a chuckle.

They fall into easy conversation. At one point Diego gets up to get two beers from the fridge to wash down the food and Lila tries to get comfortable on the hard kitchen chair by tucking one of her feet underneath herself and her knee up under her chin.

After they run out of gorditas, Diego uses some slightly stale bread to finish up the rest of the fillings and then gets up to pile the dishes into the sink.

“I can do the dishes!” Lila offers, seeing as she’s been mooching off of Diego’s labour all evening.

“Nah,” Diego says, “dinner’s on me!”

As he starts filling the sink with water, the sudden domesticity of the scene reminds Lila of her plan to actually ask Diego for help.

She excuses herself and heads back to her room and while she’s rummaging through her drawers looking for her cheque book, her pulse starts speeding up and she tries to calm her nerves.

If he says no, she thinks she can handle the fallout of that, though she’ll still be lost for a way to stay in the country. But right now, she’s almost more anxious about what happens if he agrees. But tonight has been one of the most pleasant evenings she’s had in months and probably the most fun she’s had with anyone – she’s strenuously not thinking about the amount of fun she had sleeping with him. Diego’s her only real friend in this city and if after everything they can manage to hang out like this, then, Lila tries to convince herself, they can be pretend married for a while without it being too awkward.

Diego’s drying his hands on a dishtowel when she comes back into the kitchen.

“Diego?” Lila asks, tentatively.

“Mh?” He doesn’t properly acknowledge her as he reaches up to put the clean plates back into the overhead cabinet.

“Earlier… you asked if you could help me with my visa troubles…” Lila feels ridiculous. She’s always been confident and able to ask for, occasionally even straight up demand things. She has a sneaking suspicion that if it were anybody else, she’d just slap the cheque down on the counter and inform them of her plan, but somehow here with Diego, she’s just so unsure of herself.

Diego turns around and leans against the stove top. “Yeah?”

“I… uh… I’d pay you of course! I have money. Turns out I don’t have the same sense of pride as you,” Lila says with a slightly wistful shrug, “I took my mother’s money when she died, felt like it was the least I deserved after the way she treated me my whole life…” she drifts off.

“What do you want to give me money for?” Diego asks, crossing his arms but there’s a peculiar expression on his face that Lila can’t quite read.

“Will you…” She cuts herself off, she can’t ask him like that, “Would you marry me? You know, for money, so I could get a visa?”

Diego’s eyes go really, really wide. Clearly he did not expect her to ask that question and Lila immediately decides to backtrack, “No, you’re right, that’s insane! Forget I asked, I’m sure I can work something out somehow. I just need to do a bit more research and then…”

“Yeah, ok!” Diego interrupts her firmly and Lila’s mouth snaps shut.

She stares back at him and Diego looks no less harassed than when she first asked but he also seems resolved.

Lila panics. “You really don’t have to, I’m sure there’s loads of options. And honestly, if I’m just careful about it I’m sure nobody’s going to find…”

“I’ll do it!” Diego interrupts her rambling again and Lila can’t quite believe her ears.

“Diego, it’s illegal!” She says almost desperately.

“Are you trying to talk me out of it now?” Diego asks with no small amount of exasperation. Then he laughs, but with very little humour in it, “To be honest, the United States government and I have a slightly different understanding of what illegal means in this context.”

That gives Lila pause and she raises her eyebrows, questioningly.

Diego looks down at where he starts scuffing the toe of his shoe into the grout between the tiles, his arms are still tightly crossed.

“I was born in Mexico. From what I can piece together my mother brought me over the border when I was only a few months old. She died soon after that. The only things I have my father to thank for are my siblings and my citizenship. So yeah, I’ll help you.”

They’ve agreed to go down to city hall the next day to apply for a marriage license. No point in delaying the process, this way they can start the visa proceedings before Lila is officially illegally in the country.

After agreeing to get married the ease with which they spent the evening flies out of the window again and they quickly retreat to their separate rooms.

Diego’s lying, still dressed, on top of his comforter waiting till he can’t hear Lila moving about anymore before he’ll head to the bathroom to get ready for bed himself.

He doesn’t regret agreeing to Lila’s plan, not really. It’s fucked up that she has to even resort to something like this to avoid getting thrown out of the country, and honestly, had she asked he would have said yes even if she hadn’t offered him money.

But it’s less messy this way, a clean business arrangement. He already feels just a little bit guilty, because he’s not sure he didn’t also agree out of some sudden selfish fear that she’d leave. He pushes that thought back down as well, because what should he have done, say no just because he can’t quite handle his feelings for her? That wasn’t really an option either.

He breathes out heavily when the light in the hall goes off and gets up from the bed to go brush his teeth.

#otp: just be gentle #lila pitts #diego hargreeves #dielila #diego x lila #diego/lila #tua #the umbrella academy #fanfic #ongoing fic

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