Another thing that is driving me fucking insane is that the only thing the current rise in the anti-zionist movement is in agreement upon is a ceasefire. I think that's good in terms of organizing around one immediate, actionable change, but god it's going to be a fucking shitshow when a ceasefire does occur because there seems to be very little consensus on what should happen long-term. Not surprising, considering a lot of people are new to the cause and that their passion stems from the obvious atrocity currently happening, not a deeper connection or investment. Just bonkers to see people who want one 'secular, democratic' state (not a lot of elaboration on what that means) and people who want two independent states and people who want one Palestinian state (sometimes secular, sometimes not) all calling themselves one movement... I mean, where is all this support going to be channeled in the years to come?

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

l

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

tumblr.com/suzukiblu/740466228925202432/you-know-ten-minutes-ago-i-was-sure-that-daddykink?source=share

Okay, but I was glad to see your response to this^^^ because I've actually been going back and forth for Days about whether to send you an ask about how much I surprisingly ADORE your writing, so it's nice to know you get it a lot. (I didn't want to risk coming across as condescending because like. You obviously very much like the tropes you tend to write for, that's why you write them, and I didn't want you to think I was essentially going "you're not like Other authors who write this thing you like")

Like. I generally Very Much dislike kid!fic and I don't usually care about omegaverse. And then you're over here like "I have a dozen different flavors of Omegaverse, Accidental Baby Acquisition, and Is Anyone Gonna Parent That Child?" and I'll read a snippet of Kon Isn't the Father or Wet Nurse Omegaverse and start foaming at the mouth and trying to pretend I care about them a Normal Human Amount.

Hahaha, yeah, no, I'm VERY used to hearing that at this point. I am of the mind that people like what they like, and if they don't like what I like, it's fine, it's just how they roll! And like, even the tropes I tend to like, I tend to like in pretty specific ways? So I don't even always like what I like, and I don't expect other authors to be perfectly up my alley, you know?

Also like . . . I regularly subvert a fair amount of the tropes I'm into, or at least I regularly TRY to, and when I don't, I still examine them pretty closely and like . . . idk, I feel like I explain them pretty thoroughly in my writing, most of the time? So I think that's why a lot of people who don't really like said tropes can get into my stuff more easily than other writers', because it's like, an entry-level approach in that way, but also not necessarily the most fandom-common approach, beause I decided to examine a different part of the trope than the genre I'm working in usually goes for.

Example: when I write DC omegaverse, I generally make Kon an omega, buuuuut the Omega Kon tag on AO3 has, like . . . less than thirty fics in it, while the ALPHA Kon tag has over a hundred--

( GOD I wish people wrote more of Kon, but that is not the point of this reply, haha )

--so like, generally speaking, I'm usually drawn to more gender-fucky and less fandom-typical interpretations when I'm doing omegaverse, which means my concepts are usually a little different from the default assumptions and therefore, like, people are a little likelier to find my stuff, I feel like? Because the tag is less flooded, if nothing else, and also because if you want Omega Kon you probably REALLY WANT IT, given the overall drought of it, hahaha.

( For the record? I didn't even like omegaverse the first time I wrote omegaverse. It was literally just supposed to be a one-off, haha. I didn't like a LOT of things it turned out I really like, the first time I wrote them! )

And also in my experience a lot of people who dislike omegaverse dislike it because they don't like how it approaches sex or gender or feel like it erases the existences and experiences of trans and queer people or just think it's super rape-y, but I get REALLY into the gender stuff and consent and DON'T, you know, forget about the existences of trans and queer people. So like . . . I'm regularly doing an entry-level approach, but also regularly doing a nontraditional approach, so I think I just tend to attract people who don't really "get" the AU/kink/genre/etc that I'm writing and also people who don't like the traditional approach to the AU/kink/genre/etc that I'm writing.

Another example: like, I love kidfic, but when I write kidfic I am writing the kids as characters in their own right, which is admittedly not always a thing that I see people want to do, or comfortable with doing? But I grew up the oldest of four kids, have worked as a nanny, am DEEPLY fascinated by child psychology, and have like . . . four niblings between the ages of three and twenty with a fifth one on the way, hah. So I have at least SOME feel for what kids are like at specific ages, developmentally-speaking, which is an issue I see pop up in a lot of kidfic too. Just like, people describing a seven year-old as being closer to toddler-sized, or having an eight year-old that talks like a high-schooler or just things like that--stuff that can inadvertantly throw somebody who Knows Kids out of a story, basically. Also I have a lot of feelings about Being A Parent as a concept, so like . . . pretty sure that gets in there too, hah.

Basically if I'm writing more than a couple thousand words about a thing, I have a lot of feelings about it?? Like a LOT of feelings.

. . . okay this reply got involved, lol. Whooooops.

Anyway! tl;dr: idk, those are just the feelings I get for why I get that comment from people pretty often?

You want to learn Arabic :0???? As an Arabian, Arabic is kinda hard but I feel like knowing it has helped me a LOT with learning languages like Spanish because the way you structure sentences is kinda similar :D like for example in Arabic if you want to say "can you give me it?" you'd say:

"يمديك تعطيني ايه؟"

And in Spanish you'd say:

"¿Puedes dámelo?"

In the Arabic sentence the word "تعطيني" is actually technically two words/pronouns put into one :0 it would translate into "(you) give me" تعطي-ني

is very similar to how in the Spanish one "dámelo" is also technically multiple pronouns/words put into one, dá-me-lo.

Spanish is still veryyy different than Arabic, it has WAY more tenses, In Arabic we have (about) the same amount of tenses as English. But you know, knowing Arabic helps a lot when learning other languages, I am very grateful to my Arabian heritage <3 I feel like of you know other languages like Spanish or Portuguese Arabic becomes way more easier to learn. although to be fair, I can see how the fact that Arabic has a whole different alphabet can make it really hard for foreigners, I've known the Arabic alphabet ever since I was 6 years old so I just kinda got used to it, Idk how it would be for a foreigner.

Side note: I've heard that people say that they Arabic sounds scary/harsh?? It's really funny to read new learners talking about how they started pissing their pants when their teachers said "السلام عليكم" but at the same time I can't help but wonder what DOES Arabic really sound like to foreigners??? Are we really that scary 😭 I promise I don't bite??

(Sorry for the huge rant, it just made me happy to see someone mention Arabic. I feel like it's only really brought up in religious discussions so it's kinda a jumpscare to see it brought up on this blog)

(Today I learned that the letter ت kinda looks like :] and it genuinely brightened up my day so I might as well share it here)

yeah!!! i've always wanted to learn arabic, and speaking hebrew, since they're both semitic languages, would probably help out with it, although i know they're still very different. ive been able to recognize words in the past though because there's so many shared roots and cognates.

and i think language learning always builds on itself, so you're totally right about languages like spanish and portuguese helping with other languages, especially for eng speakers since we don't get taught the terminology of language really and its structured very differently to a lot of other languages, particularly, like you mentioned, in terms of dropping pronouns and combining words.

and to me arabic has always sounded beautiful; i think people get caught up in very different sounds to their own (arabic having fricatives and glottal stops that english and many other european languages don't have, for instance) and also the general islamophobic/xenophobic/racist rhetoric around arabic makes a lot of people unable to recognize their biases and why they think arabic is scary but french sounds elegant, for example. but yeah it doesn't sound scary to me at all, just different!

it would also be nice to know arabic from a religious studies perspective but i was interested in learning it long before i started studying theology, so it's a combination of things! ive really enjoyed every islamic studies class ive taken and while im not muslim myself, being able to engage with islamic texts in arabic would be really cool.

hi. sorry to bug you, but i just learned about the props auction, and i'm a little sad. i know there were people trying to be uplifting about it, but i just can't shake seeing things from the revenge get auctioned off. idk. if it was something that appeared once or twice, then sure ok. but the wall sconces? from outside the captain quarters' main door? :(

it's just not sitting right with me at all. so i was just wondering if you had any advice or had a way to positively swing it. sorry again :(

Hey Anon! I'm so sorry that the props auction is causing you stress. I know it sounds bad-- but the scuttlebutt I'm hearing is that this is fairly normal, as long as they aren't "dismantling the set" we're probably still in a pretty good place. It sounds like depending on the size/cost of the props it can get pretty expensive to house them (like that canon) and I know WB is trying to recover some of their losses right now.

From what I've read... some places will even sell things off even if there is a renewal because for example the prop may cost $10 to make, but a fan / company will pay $100 for it, so why pay to have it sit around when you can profit the difference? I wish I remembered where I read that so I could send you a source. Something else to think about is-- we have no idea what's in store for s3. It could be possible that we don't even see the Revenge for most of the time. Maybe it's focused on Ed and Stede a lot, or maybe Frenchie really fucking hates those wall sconces, or there's some epic battle that damages the ship and they have to rebuild all sorts of stuff.

I don't know if that helps, but I personally am not as much worried about the props than if they very specifically said "The Revenge is being dismantled" because that was such a huge effort and took huge amounts of money to build, and that wouldn't be easily replicable (Ra Vincent went crazy with that set and all the hidden crap).

I hope that helps a bit *hug* I know it's probably just the inner clown, but I am with a lot of other people where I think David Jenkins has been (albeit sneaky about it) pretty open about "who we should go after" and if he didn't think there was any chance, I doubt he'd continue to support us and not just say flat out "It's over yall". We haven't heard much from him lately, but I think that's a good sign, that means he's probably spending his time negotiating, and who knows, maybe he's out there bidding on the props, lol.

Anyway, sending love and hugs, I know it's hard, and it's totally fair to feel concerned. But try not to give up hope! There's so many things pointing towards "positive" still that I think we still have a shot.

Take care anon <3

a couple weeks ago, i saw a conversation asking if virtual photographers should be called "content creators," and it's a topic that's kind of been rolling around in my brain since i saw it. very raw brain dump under the cut:

the question was framed with the implication that "content creator" is a, idk, like some kind of aspirational, prestigious title, and since it was asked in a vp community, pretty much all the answers were yes. a lot of the reasons for why it should be considered content creation were like it's really hard work (with a fair amount of comments that it's harder work than streaming/making videos (which as someone who has done all of the above, idk if i'd agree with that, but ymmv)), it's an art form, it serves the same function for companies as other "content," etc.

there's a lot to unpack here, and this is just some cursory thoughts so im not gonna touch on all of it, but i just thought it was really interesting how so many people were so adamantly defending the honor of being called a "content creator" because I've long felt like it's a term that devalues creative work.

i'm especially not fond of it fandom spaces because i feel like it puts really weird and harmful expectations on people who make fanworks (either by the community or on themselves) to treat fandom like a side hustle or even a professional venture rather than a hobby. not that there can't be some overlap, especially nowadays, but i'm just very protective of my personal fandom experience being a reprieve from all that nonsense.

and tbh, i feel a little weird when people comment on my stuff and refer to it as "content." it's usually complimentary, which of course i really appreciate (and if you've ever referred to my stuff as "content," it's totally fine, please don't feel bad, especially if you're not a native English speaker--i know the term is ubiquitous in English-speaking social media spaces and these connotations aren't universal even to native English speakers), but i just don't think of anything i make as "content." even when i was a streamer and felt closer to the whole "content creation" mindset, i still always felt kind of disconnected from the term. and the stuff i do for cyberpunk (art, fic, vp, all of it), i would collectively refer to as "fan works," not "content." "fan works" just feels so much warmer and sincere and soulful.

i will say, though, that it's a battle of semantics that i've largely let go, tbh--even I've caught myself on a few occasions using it as a collective term for a creative body of work online--but i just thought it was kind of interesting that my immediate reaction upon seeing that question was "i don't want VPers to be called 'content creators' because i think that cheapens their work" only to see a slew of VPers proudly say YES WE ARE CONTENT CREATORS AND WE DESERVE THAT RECOGNITION.

my perspective, though, is from one as a fan who just wants to make and share stuff for fun and doesn't have any grand professional aspirations with what I'm making. i think the conversation i was reading through was between a lot of people who did have those sorts of aspirations with their virtual photography, which opens up a bunch of other shit that i don't feel like getting into right now bc it's getting late, lmao.

(Big of a long one, sorry)

I just came across another one of those "if you put your Hogwarts houses in your bio you're a terf" posts, and in the tags one of the people was talking about how they had a Gryffindor tshirt that was their favourite thing to wear which they just threw away because they'd rather never have such a thing touch them again. Fair enough, what anyone is comfortable with in their personal life is none of my business. But it did remind me of something similar that happened with me.

I own a perfectly good Fantastic Beasts t-shirt. It's the kind that has a simple design and good enough material to last YEARS. I did, of course, buy it before I knew about all this JKR business. Then couple of years ago I was faced with the fact that I own some HP merch and the dilemma of whether or not I should throw it away. This surprisingly came down to a moment where I properly understood and defined my own politics to myself.

At the same time that I had some people in my circles insisting on these performative measures, I was also learning about fast fashion and the very real impacts of clothing trends on the environment. After reading up on it enough and seeing the gross appropriation of "thrifting", it became obvious that the solution is to "reduce" waste, to stop buying more clothes than you need, to stop throwing away perfectly good clothes, to stitch up clothing that needs mending instead of replacing it, etc. The best clothing for the environment is the one already in your closet. That idea. Was I going to make an exception in this case and throw away this t-shirt because someone might think me a class traitor for it, even though whether I keep it or discard it doesn't actually change the support JKR doe or doesn't have anymore? On the one hand it was just one tshirt and it would keep me safe from my peers in those liberal circles. On the other hand it made me feel shame like i had never felt before. It reminded me of every other performative thing I've done in the name of activism and how little it has amounted to. I'm the kind of person who still has my wardrobe from five years ago almost intact with very few changes. Wasteful consumption has a very real cost and I don't do that anymore, so when it came down to tossing that tshirt out it ended up meaning more than it should have. I kept the tshirt. It's still in great shape, it's gonna last many years more as well and save me that much more consumption waste.

What if i had given it away? Would some random person who hasn't ever heard of the JKR drama (consider: I'm not from the West) suddenly become a Terf by wearing it? Would it keep HP and JKR relevant because some person who hardly even knows HP is now wearing a second hand tshirt from someone? When I went to another trans friend's house, who has been there for the community every single day, who has worked hard at the ground levels to create safe spaces for queer people, who has advocated for trans rights in our country, and when i saw their HP merch, what kind of an asshole would I be to call them out on it or say that I suddenly don't trust them because they made a reference to some book we all read as kids? In that moment, sitting with that friend, I also realised how far removed our day-to-day lives actually are from what was considered activism in online spaces. The latter can be great when it's about spreading information and having discussions. But something that reeks that much of simply a performance? Idk, I don't think people talking about HP in their daily lives or wearing an old Gryffindor tshirt or reblogging a gif has as much power over the queer struggle as people here seem to think. It's getting a bit annoying how because I see more posts talking about HP just to tell people who are engaging with it to die than i see actual posts by people just talking about the book. I think the former are the ones actually keeping it more relevant than it is

.

Ceres help me it is 3:58am and I have been tossing and turning in my bed for the past 30 minutes and I can't sleep

anyway

Now that I've watched a few episodes (read: 2 episodes) of Trigun (the og 1998 anime btw–), I can officially deduce that the Trigun mf (I have no idea what to call him help ☠️ do I just call him Vash–) is 100% silly

I CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY DUDE AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT. REALEST ENERGY RIGHT THERE ☝️ I WOULD HUG HIM and probably get berated by the short-haired lady (I suck at names 😭) but wHATEVER I'D STILL HUG HIM ANYWAY and also give him a box of those donuts he got

but now

i have to ask—does Vash go Super Serious Mode™ in an episode that doesn't include a woman like Marianne (I think that was her name 😭❓ RAHHH I SUCK AT NAMES I'M SO SORRY)

if he d o e s tho,

and I ask you this politely–

describe why in the weirdest, most nonsensical way possible

like

"local florida man simply decided to wear a dino suit one day and was promptly screwed by the local government" type of nonsensical

and then type the episode

so that once I get to that episode, I'll finally understand the context and what you were trying to say :D

(context for this very unusual request: I tend to do this with @ann-aha (< on a temporary no-wifi vacation) whenever I get into a series that she is conveniently obsessed with (she also does this with me towards The Stanley Parable lmao–) andd I decided to do this with you cuuuz idk, ur a friend in my book)

— 🅰️non, on the very ungodly time between 3:58am and 4:14 am || 18/07/2023 [decided to change it lol– it's now DD/MM/YYYY]

I love my silly little guy so much. He truly means the world to me. And don't worry about the names, I suck at names too but you'll get used to them eventually.

(You have no idea how honored I am to have you consider me a friend ♡)

I couldn't pick just one, and maybe not all of them fit the "Vash going serious mode™" but most of them do so I'm putting of of then here. I just love Trigun so much. It's so good. I'm so excited to watch as you get further into it.

Anyways, here's those descriptions you asked for and the episodes they're from

Local blonde man shoots Goliath's fist five times to save moms that tried to kill him earlier that day. Episode 5

Hungover man and his supposed boyfriend (also hungover) win local quick draw tournament with the power of love and incredible amounts of guns. Episode 10

Supposed amnesiac strips naked and barks like a dog to protect found family from bandits. Episode 18

Wandering priest slaps victim of multiple bullet wounds, with the pretense that the victim is "just pretending" and "he's actually fine". Episode 18

Local priest has to be reminded of the commandment "thou shalt not kill" by infamous gunman toting a sixty billion double-dollar bounty on his head. Episode 18

Local priest and infamous gunman clear town of bandits in the most homosexual way possible. Episode 18

First person declared a human natural disaster has breakdown over donuts as he realizes his feelings for man doomed by the narrative. Episode 24

(I realize I did 4 for episode 18, but to be fair, it is one of my favorites)

ugh im just so tired of people dying in jjk. like this is just trauma for the characters for no reason and its not fair to them?? they're not real obvi so no reason to advocate for them but i feel like an obnoxious amount of people have died yfm?? because i cant really see how gojo dying would truly advance the plot likeee is this meant to make megumi, yuuta, and/or yuji stronger? bc im pretty sure those 3 have seen enough people die for their own personal development for the rest of their lives. and i feel like even non-jjk enjoyers being shocked proves how random n bad this is, ofc i take all of this back if he comes back(he will trust). i just idk, very frustrating and i can't articulate how i feel properly(i will revisit this topic later).

but like no, school is.. SO bad rn i just.. NO MORE 😭😭 ty for the support though hottie hoshi ILY BAE

- megan anon

EDIT: SPOILERS IN REPLIES SO AVOID IF YOU DON'T READ JJK.

MEGGY DEAR, TALK THAT FUCKING SHIT ‼️ (excuse me, lemme move to my keyboard bc I'm doin hw and don't wanna make typos while i express my take too, lol)

no bc you're so fucking right tho!!! like I've been reading jjk for a long while and the body count of the cast throughout the years has me dumbfounded, not bc they're big or anything no, but bc like most of the charas introduced are either built up as some sort of pillar that enhances the plot/growth of characters (junpei, nanami, yuki, etc.), or they seem very interesting charas that draw you in, but don't go past 10 chaps of screentime (haibara, kokichi). Then you have those who are injured and have yet given any news about their whereabouts (Nobara and Todo), and it's at this point where you just forget having hope 🫤🫤🫤 and NOW we have this and it's like ???? I think this is more so to showcase how much of a devilish threat Sukuna is, based on how much of a rise the reactions are from Yuuji and Yuuta. Yet at the same time, too many deaths in this manga already displayed that notion (esp. from Mahito), and for it to happen to another critical character? Like I get the poetic nuances of it all, I really do, and ngl I saw it coming. But the way it was executed with these leaks....idk man, I'm down to talk more about it, rn me and twt are still trying to fully comprehend it 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

but outside of that, awwww babessss 😥😥😥 sorry to hear that, I get it completely, but don't worry!!! just bc it's bad rn doesn't mean it'll be bad throughout the school semester/year. I mean, it can, but it WON'T!!! WHY!?? Bc I have faith in you, meggy dear!! NEVER BACK DOWN, NEVER WHAT!!???? Lol fr tho, sorry to hear school's kicking ass like always, but don't let that drag your flow down when the goal isn't in reach yet. You got this, I know you do, trust yourself 🗣️📢 ‼️‼️💓 love you moreeee!!!

@velvetxr0se tagged me to ramble about myself a bit, thank u v much!

When was the last time you cried? - I cried/teared up a little bit at work the otherday ngl lmao but hey, no one saw that.

Do you have kids? - I do not no

Do you use sarcasm a lot? - Absolutely. It is my main form of coping tbh, like, gotta laugh about all the bad stuff right? RIGHT?. I mean obviously there's a limit and y'know a time a place to NOT use sarcasm and sometimes people get a little bit concerned if i'm too sarcastic but yeah.

What sports do you play? - I do not sadly, I used to enjoyyy sports to an extent? but I mean I still do a lot of cycling and I'm kinda thankful because it's moderately keeping me healthy ish.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? -I guess my primitive caveman section of brain will notice boobs. <- lmao this is hilarious. Uhm, I guess without being obvious, their eyes? if they look up/down, are they confident do their eyes get big etc or wander off. Like whole face/body language I guess? I'd like to assume I have an okay understanding/reading people's faces but I'm also v expressive in my face.

What’s your eye color? - Green/grey ish? It's hard to define it as a one colour

Scary movies or happy endings? - Happy Endings? or like tbh I'm a sucker for crappy comedies and whatnot but also like, I watch a fair amount of films so I just like anything that sorta makes you FEEL emotions? Hence why I watched Interstellar and cry everytime.

Any special talents? - I don't think so. I mean I can speak French but it's defo rusty by now since it's been like.. 18 years since I lived there? (wow that's scary typing that out.)

Where were you born? - In Kent, Pembury Hospital on the 29th May

What are your hobbies? - Gaming, sad blogging, socialising uhh, spending time with cats? it's hard to define, idk I go through phases and stuff sometimes and the stuff i usually enjoy just doesn't bring me joy so I just stare at the ceiling.

Do you have pets? - I have 3 Kitties, Ravioli, Fudge and Shrimp

How tall are you? - 5'7''~ I kinda hate how short I am sometimes lmao but we move.

Favorite subject in school? - Uhm, I enjoyed Maths suprisingly and Science and Geography. idk it just sorta sucked we didn't.. learn much about geography as such and just about footpath erosion, like that kinda sapped the fun out of it I think.

Dream job? - Uhm, Ideally nothing. I guess something where I can make an impact and have some kind of satisfaction at the end of the day where it feels like I've actually accomplished something? Working in retail has quite literally killed me with how much shit is wrong with the current state of the world and how much we over produce/waste products. Like working in the warehouse and seeing £400 worth of meat just getting tossed out because someone forgot to put in the the fridge or THREE pallets of water going "Out of Date" because no one bothered to take them out is wild. And the worse part is the audacity of said company then asking people for donations for local charities and being like "do your part" when it's like bruh. (soz ranty) Thanks I'm gonna tag uhh @confetti-hearts @otherspark @hey-hermy @who-is-this-gatsby-anyhow @sleeping-jo @sleepyyphilia @chaoticevilcult @switchywitchie @musicandmasochism

updated apr 19 2024

welcome to earth! welcome to PHOTOSYNTH!

once upon a time in october 2022, i listened to a song called "the turn of a dream" by robert schroeder and imagined people in a space ship, en route to move (back) to earth. they've got two cats who are sitting on the dashboard panels of buttons and switches of the spaceship. there's a little bit of urgency, like they're on the run, but they're also a bit caught up in awe at the sight of earth.

visually there was a lot of messing with crt tvs like pushing through electricity and screens and static. more below the cut! feel free to ask me things about it :D

from that little song kernel i started having fun imagining what earth might look like in a distant future, and what the people would be like, and what their experiences might look like in a post climate-change-global-capital-collapse world. what could grow? in this project i'm also thinking a lot about technology- the sustainability and evolution of gadgets and gizmos over the last few decades and what consequences our excess causes.

what use can we get out of things that are old but still have useful parts or still function? what can we create with what's left over?

who gets left behind after the rich and powerful deem earth unlivable? what will they do to survive?

i have no idea what photosynth may come to be - perhaps animation? a web comic? i haven't decided! i'd like it to be a collaborative something someday! this is all a big sandbox i am stomping around in and constantly adding to ! i've drawn some characters a little and have brainstormed some scenes but i don't have something to be read yet. and i'm honestly perfectly content to let it stay that way for years . i hope it's something tangible in the world as a finished object in like. 10 years. i think that's a fair amount of time to give myself. (i have a pinterest board with 700+ images, an 11 hour playlist, unfinished sketches, an archival external hard drive, and a very chaotic notebook.)

anyway! lets ground ourselves a bit beyond abstract conception shall we!

on earth, the great emigration begins. earth has gotten severely dangerous for life, and Scientists have recently discovered the yellowstone volcano in the west of the american empire is rapidly getting close to eruption. they can't predict when exactly the volcano will blow, but they know it will mean certain destruction for much of the continent, and contribute to global climate shift. a volcanic winter/small ice age, at least. the governing bodies make some swift and grand decisions. space travel has improved enough that the upper class can access it when necessary. state-based spaceships are designated for the rich and powerful, because of course we need our government leaders where we go next, or else we'll be lost! mars exploration has developed enough that there is a station large enough for the federal branch of government to set up shop. able bodied manual laborers are organized by tech conglomerates across the country and are sent to work on building ZEXA, a man made base to start up this new ultimate civilization. any employee within the empire working in certain disciplines are given numbers and ships with certain number ranges are assigned for migration. the empire drops its borders, encouraging mass migration to the south and elsewhere in whatever way people can get access to. it doesn't assist the process beyond that.

an empire moves to mars, leaving a majority of its population behind.

yellowstone erupts. north america is largely uninhabitable. the globe's climate is significantly altered.

time moves. the largest settlement (Jovia) in the north american continent is established and is home to roughly [300k? 1 million? idk] people.

Zexa 5's Galactic Federation bombs Jovia, starting the interplanetary war. a little girl escapes the destruction. across an ocean, a pair of newlyweds gear up for battle. two continents over, a "research project" begins development. the war "ends."

occupation remains, and the pressure cooker is reaching fever pitch.....

lets meet some characters!!!!! :D

ROSE EYE, named for her pink heart shaped glasses that double as a sniper scope. also known as JEN, who once escaped the destruction of her home town.

Jen is reputable assassin, with skills in stealth and both long and close range combat. she got her code name after a factory whistle blowing turned into a company's collapse, which she only escaped because of the help of THORN.

THORN, named alongside rose eye for their partnership in rescuing factory employees and carrying out the attack on the company. she's dubbed thorn for her electrified blade weapon and her unique virus software .//th0Rn that gives her full access to multi level security systems. of course it helped she was a security guard at the factory...

also known as HANA. adept at engineering and spacecraft with a love for earth-bound air travel, hana is joyful and loves country music and happens to save her workplace crush who wears those pink glasses everywhere's ass, jumpstarting her criminal career and a high speed chase off-planet. next stop: earth!

on earth, twin boys are knee deep in the junkyards after school to scavenge for new materials. ADI is looking for electronics, AMIR is looking for anything he can fashion into useful clothing. amir is taller. not by much, but by enough that you should know. they've found an old pc with a series of oddly prophetic corrupted plain text files and jpegs. one file looks like some sort of schematic. they'll bring it home and scare their mother, reminding her of what killed their father.

both boys are 19, one sporting purple hair dye and the other a nose ring, for individuality. they're about to complete their foundational educations and choose their apprenticeships and mentors.

across an ocean or two, a galactic federation research facility enters its 21st year of operation. a man who's been fighting to escape it since its inception just might make it this time. in cairo, a pilot receives an order to target that facility.

IVAN has been a prisoner of a galactic federation human experiment facility since he was a child. he's been pushed and prodded in research of the "human limits of strength and survival". despite fighting his captors his whole life, he is what they wanted him to become: a deadly weapon. and he's about to be freed by a man who terrifies him in a different way.

MIGUEL grew up surrounded by rebels and pilots. after his parents were executed by the galactic federation he was raised by an old mechanic in cairo. covered in tattoos piercings and charisma, miguel fashions himself unknowable and invulnerable . with nothing to lose he carries out targeted attacks on galactic federation bases. he just received a mission order that will bring him back to an old friend and give him lives to protect and live for.

thank you for reading !!!! 🫶🫶🫶

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i tried. to actually have things feel livable enough. i did. now i’m really just trying to make it another day, however i can drag it out. i can’t do anything. i’m desperate but it feels so hopeless and i feel so out of options.

and idk, like yeah there's things that'd help. but i can't. and idk i don't feel like i can ask for anything. it's no one else's responsibility. and there's the fear of like yeah i think that'd help but what if it doesn't as much as i thought? is there a point if i i don't want anyone to feel like they've/i've wasted their time. i don't want to bring anyone down. i don't want anyone to feel like they have to do anything. like with how fragile things feel idk, it doesn't feel fair of me. it feels like asking is applying pressure. so why do that? why not just suffer alone? it's also simply too scary to ask for anything tbh, which sounds stupid and feels stupid but words feel blocked and idk

it feels overwhelming to need anything. i feel like needing just makes me think to much about how none of it feels possible or an option. i find myself hurting myself in some way to get my mind away from needing and wanting and wishing. i feel like i have to break the line thought since needing feels like hurting myself too. even just wishing hurts.

i wish. i’m desperate. i’m tired. i feel so much pressure to last x amount more time. after idk. i’ll still try to drag it out i guess. but if… idk it just won’t be so bad once that’s passed enough. like a week or so? maybe maybe maybe i can read that book. i wish… well anything…

dumb little part of me just wishes things change enough in that time, my brain changes something changes. something is livable. i wish i could hope for anything.

6 / 17 / 34 for the fic writer q's! <3

Thanks for such interesting questions! <3

6. Do you have your work beta'd? How important is this to your process?

I try to have my work beta'd/edited when I can. With fanfiction it's not always possible or practical. The only beta I have atm is my husband and I write faster than he feels up to editing which it absolutely fair, so usually I post things with just my own editing.

I say that the worst writing advice anyone ever gave me (or anyone) was "you don't need an editor," and I think that's mostly true. Fanfiction is... maybe not so serious, you know? I forgive other writers their typos and mostly just gloss over them and barely notice, but I hate when I find them in my own stories haha. But if you're doing something for publication, even if it's a self-pub — if multiple people are gonna be spending money on your finished product, please please please get an editor. Just my opinion as a writer, an editor, and a bookseller for over a decade. I've seen many an awful self-pub that could have been improved so much by editing.

I think a trusted second eye can make your work better. If I can't find an editor/beta reader I'll usually write something and try to edit it myself, but even though I have experience editing professionally (i.e. for money) I am still catching and correcting at least grammatical errors in my published work even months later, which sucks for the reader (sorry!). It's harder to edit your own stuff because you know what you meant so you tend to accidentally miss errors and not catch things that don't make sense/don't line up just right plot-wise, if that makes sense.

One of the tricks I use is handwriting my story and then, when I type it up I can often flesh out the story better, but that may just be how my brain works. Idk, see if it works for you!

Also, I'm usually willing to beta people's stories if they want me to so just lmk and I'll try to help out if I feel like I'm qualified (i.e. I know your fandom, and if I have enough time).

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

I never ever had writer's block until a few years ago, which fuckkinnnggg suuuuucks. The pandemic messed me up, I guess. I think the best thing is either just sitting down and writing either a set amount of words or for a set amount of time even if I hate every moment of it and if that's too much -- because let's face it, sometimes life/shit is hard — I will ... take a break! I'll either do something totally unrelated and let my brain chill out, or I'll re-watch the movie/film/read essays or other fic etc., just to get excited about it again. This is a lot harder in small fandoms or with things that have limited source material. When that happens I read/watch/find things adjacent to it and hope to find inspiration there.

34. Five years from now, where do you see yourself as a writer?

I mean, I think and I hope I'll still be writing fanfiction. I hope that in five years things will be different with the pandemic and I'll be able to be more out in the world, actually having wider experiences again. If I ever publish anything, I think it will probably be nonfiction before it's fiction, but we'll have to see. I'd like the opportunity to write for film.

i've been reading every rising sun by jamila ahmed. it is a historically-grounded retelling of the story of shaherazade. i love the prose and the grounded attention to historical detail and it's emotionally compelling, i've been getting through a hundred pages at a time, it's an engaging read. and it's set during the islamic golden age which is one of my favorite eras of history to learn about. but it is in some ways not quite living up to my expectations. i was hoping there would be more political machinations because it is about shaherazade trying to keep the ruler who beheads all his wives placated during a time when the declining seljuk empire (which the main characters belong to) is under attack from the khwarazmian empire and the oghuz turks at the same time, and also all of them have to deal with the threat of the franks undertaking the third crusade. so for example, shaherazade considers letting the murderous malik she's married to ride off to jerusalem and die fighting against the european crusaders, but if she does that then the region she lives in might fall to the khwarazmids and oghuz, so she has to come with him to try to keep him alive. that sort of thing is fun, but there is a lot less of it over the course of 400 pages than i was hoping for, and more of it is devoted to shaherazade trying to keep on his good side so he doesn't kill her, especially when she starts crushing on this other guy and has to try to keep it hidden. i mean i understand because writing intricate politics is hard as shit. but also i'm a bit disappointed. oh well.

another aspect i'm disappointed in is the whole story thing. of the course the story of shaherazade is famous for how she kept herself alive by telling her husband compelling stories and leaving him in suspense. this was portrayed really well in the beginning but then the book became more about a bunch of other stuff happening and the storytelling started to feel more incidental. it still serves a role because every time he gets pissed at her for something else she's like "umm hey wanna hear the next part of the story i was telling?" and it distracts him but, idk, i was expecting it to be way more central to the plot. also, the stories themselves are not very compelling. they feel way too modern in their style and structure and the amount of detail involved and they don't have the same timeless enduring folkloric feel as the actual irl 1001 nights. i've been writing a lot of spiders jeremy fanfic lately and really having fun messing around with that fairytale storytelling style, so it disappoints me that the author couldn't be bothered to do that, or at least not very much. then again, replicating that kind of folkloric style is really hard. i'm reminded of how recently i was reading the first queen's thief book which is super good but every time the characters start telling a mythological story from their world i feel like "hmm... this is a bit too detailed... it just doesn't quite feel like real irl mythology..." but i feel like this book does an even worse job of landing the style and is barely even trying. oh well.

i guess it's not fair that i'm asking this book to both have more complex intricate politics and be more about the stories shaherazade tells. though i think you could pull it off with a lot of tight seamless plotting - that's one of my issues here, that the book is kinda rambling and loosey-goosey. but i would settle for one or the other, if the politics were more complex and intricate or if the stories took more of a central role and had more thought put into them i would be happier. anyway despite all those words i am enjoying this book for all the reasons i said above, it's a solid 4 out of 5 stars for me, i just really like going in-depth on the criticism front so i thought i'd make a post recording my thoughts. if you read all this congrats and thank you

come here boy. grabs you by the shoulder. i need you to talk about denima. i need you to go into your local gameshop and i need you to ask about denima to anyone who will listen. i need you to do this. do not come back until you have talked about denima. /j ref

AND.. COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED..... THE PEOPLE ASK ME TO TALK ABOUT DENIMA (i asked two times) (three if you count telling ark about it on call)

Anyway as an aro person I really relate to Denima in the summer party arc a lot. Especially as a scared 8th grader reading the comic, it just... it hits me now that I understand/understood exactly how she felt in that moment of seeing Beryll on call with Kuiper instead of enjoying the party.

SO LIKE. here's the whole deal. I did not like her for awhile when I was first introduced to her. Part of it was something I've just grown out from, i.e. shipping; I still do a fair amount of shipping, but I think it's so much more interesting to think about like. being aromantic and relationships in that context rather than trying to project myself onto characters I'll never fully understand because they're Not aromantic. But I understand Denima, even if she isn't, because more than ever I read her as aromantic.

Esp as like, a woman character, I feel like she gets a lot of hate. And yes she's not the main focus of the blog nor a main character and as such she will be ignored by the fans unless she does something horribly wrong like in the summer party arc. But I feel like while Beryll and Denima might be a little upset with each other rn / not understanding each other (in part because Beryll has not told her about like. the whole Crush On Kuiper + has not been really talking to her at all from what I understand) what she did wasn't... that horrible, it was like. an outburst yes from insecurity yes but maybe its because I don't understand relationships that well that I am like. "excusing" her actions (I actually think that yes there's a very bad element to trying to say who gets to be friends with who so I am not defending that) but I am trying to say that if she's insecure, esp since Beryll is her best friend, we don't have to go all crazy on her. like it's okay to simmer down a bit. like yes she's insecure and shouldn't be pushing Beryll to Not be friends with Kuiper but at the same time I don't think what she did was awful/irredeemable/shes a bad person.

But like as an aro person esp before I found my partner I was totally like. alone in the world. I'm autistic and schizoaffective and that severely impacts my speech patterns/how I view the world/relationships. And yes I had friends but if I remember correctly whoever was the host at the time didn't feel that connected to them. It was a strange existence, where they were constantly worried about being "left behind" for a romantic partner/different friend while at the same time being unable to express these feelings and disconnected from people they called friends. Denima did express these feelings, maybe in a Bad and Toxic Way but she did, and for that they Really Did Not Like Her

So reading her as aromantic feels so good to us. She's aromantic; she wants her best friend back. We even relate to her as an autistic person; change, such as a change in relationships, is Hard and Scary and Awful and Must be avoided at All Costs. So maybe these two things make it easier for us to relate to her and sympathize with her. Idk.

Anyway so we feel like there's a lot of nuance when it comes to Denima but it boils down to I LOVE DENIMA "DISASTER MASTER" DIASTIER

Hmmm... blorbos blorbos blorbos... how about- some Gaster, Sans, Handsome Jack, Nisha, and Rhys? ;3

hEEEHEHE ok let's go!

☝︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎

Okay so I am definitely saying this in a time where Gaster, The Mystery Man, is so unknown lol. That said, I was normal about him until I saw the not-released tarot card for him. Then I started reading fic as a joke and it all went downhill from there. And. Ok. I know we don't know ANYTHING about him, so me saying fandom takes are incorrect isn't quite fair, but I have a hard time thinking he's just 100% evil. Especially if he's a monster - made out of hope and love and all that jazz. Not saying that monsters can't do bad things (LOOKS AT ASGORE) but there's a lot that goes into that. Asgore did bad things because he was put in a bad situation, lost his family, and wanted to help his people. Alphys wanted to help people, but wound up doing bad things, too. I feel like a lot of fic and content I see for Gaster is just about him being super mega evil and Fucked Up which is fine but, like, for why? What made him act that way? I also love the idea of him just being an absolute goof. A real "Sans had to learn puns from someone" type character. And idk it's hard to have canon content about a character that uh erased themselves from existence lmao. That being said I'm not normal about him. I have 3 full fledged fanfictions about him - two I've started writing and one that I visit when I try to fall asleep and haven't written yet. If he is 100% evil that's fine load me up in the extractor baby I'm subject 01.

Snas

In the same way that I relate too well to Dante as being the haha funny pizza man as a coping mechanism to not acknowledge his own fear and depression, I relate WAY TOO WELL to Sans Undertale for the same reason. If my depression gets too bad and all encompassing I'm going to take a nap. While I used to have a healthy love of naps, they're now also coping mechanisms to avoid reality for me. Back when my anxiety and depression pretty much took over my life I would sleep forEVER. 18 hours a day if I could. I now also struggle with insomnia and sleep avoidance so it's like. I sleep in small amounts now and it's gotten to the point that I will 100% use my 15 minute breaks and my lunch to take a nap. The laid back jokey personality is very much who I am truly, but then there's also the Projection where I use that as a facade to avoid my problems/emotional trauma. And I'd say Unwillingly I have come around to him because, as I'm sure you know, in the beginning I was like I don't get this Undyne is the only hot character here what's going on why do people want to fuck this dude. And then I finally watched a play through and learned Everything and I'm like oh no he's so saaadd poor meow meow :((( sad boyyy sad!!! tragic!!! (and then The Fight happens and it's like oh uh hmm not examining my reaction to this bc i don't want to know what this says about me) Then I started reading fanfiction as a joke which ok can I say a lot of blorbos for me have come from me reading fanfic as a joke and then getting super into it??? LMAO. And now I've given myself the challenge to read as many sans/reader fics on AO3 that catch my interest and I still have 274 pages left lmAO.

Handsome Jack

Put him in more situations. Destroy him. I love him. I hate him. The reality is he could make me SO MUCH WORSE. He's handsome. He's a loser. I want more of his face to melt off. I want to chew on him like a chew toy. Jack is such a fun character to hate. He has so much charisma it's sexy but he's also so unhinged and, like, there's never been an option to fix him. I think he was born and from that moment on it's just been a collision course with absolute fuckery. He's such a caricature of a human, and if you're not the receiving end of his insanity it's so fun to watch.

Nisha

I love her. I want her to destroy me. BL2 said we need a character who can go toe-to-toe with Handsome Jack in terms of being an absolute disaster of a human being and then they delivered the most badass cowboy hat wearing woman they could. She is 1000% too good for Jack, and arguably Jack happening to her ruined her life. Rhys

My sweet precious Rhysie boy. ;-; He's so pretty and so stupid I love him so much. I really feel like BL3 fucked him up in terms of characterization. The absolute trials we go through in Tales with him and just. Stop!! putting him in situations!! I lie lmao I need a follow up of Tales where he is put in another situation with Fiona so we can see what the fuck all happened there.